Upwards - Moving Fowards, Tiny Positive Steps - 04/06/14 08:15 PM
Previous thread: Upwards - DB myself to happiness! #2
Thought it was a good time to start a new thread DB has been amazing & really given me my confidence & strength back, the people here are amazing and i'm thankful for all the advice here (both positive & negative!).
I'm currently NC with my H to give myself some head space and get back on track - My plan is to focus on myself for the next couple of weeks, spend a lot of time GAL and also resting & relaxing. I'm intending to keep reading & researching and seeking out support when needed. This is only a temporary thing due to logistics of kids/work.
I have been clear to H that we cant be "friends" until he's completely ended the contact with OW permanently and is willing to show me proof of that, hence why i've gone NC - he's requested we come back together after 2 weeks to talk but i'm trying hard to have no expectations. If he's still not presented me with the proof I plan not to remain very LC & no emotional support until he does.
---------------------------------------------------
What i've learnt from DB so far:
1/ From the moment I made the decision to "let go" of my marriage and old R, I was able to fully focus on myself and saw lots of positives in both myself, my H and our interactions together.
2/ GAL is one of the most crucial parts of DB and really helps with confidence, self-esteem & building yourself into the person that you want to be - I keep reminding myself to "be a woman only a fool would leave" and "be the best ME".
3/ I have been trying to see this separation as a gift of time, its allowing me to look deep within myself and deal with some issues/fears/feelings that have been buried for a long time - its giving me the opportunity to analyse my behaviors and feelings so that I can be the best me! I feel stronger than ever & although i'm very sad about my current situation i'm also thankful for the changes within myself. I realise that these changes are a big part of me being able to be happy regardless of what happens in my M.
4/ I've worked well at DB when i've kept my expectations under control, when expectations creep in then I end up hurt or disappointed. I have also learnt that hope is a positive thing when its not coupled with expectation.
5/ My DB efforts brought very positive changes for me. I've been feeling so much more confident & happier, I've detached a lot so that my H's actions don't affect me as much and I'm able to make much more logical decisions instead of decisions based on emotion.
6/ My DB efforts really brought my H closer to me & his attitude has begun to change, I noticed lots of very positive changes in his actions and how he has been around me as well as his openness & him being more positive about our situation - I need to continue my DB techniques and work hard to remain on track as I believe my H's feelings will continue to change if I handle the situation correctly.
7/ When I allow my emotions instead of blocking them out and trying to "get on with it" I find that the negatives pass more easily and i'm able to continue moving forwards, when I fight the bad days I tend to just keep having bad days until I accept it.
8/ Support from people on here & other places has been the main thing thats kept me going through the tough times along with support from family & friends - I couldnt have done it without the continued support of the people on this forum though!
---------------------------------------------------
Main DB Techniques I've used sucessfully:
1/ No perusing & lots of space - I've let H contact me and not always been available or answered/replied when he does, i've not asked what he's doing or where he's going unless he volunteers that info - this has resulted in my H calling me lots.
2/ No pressure - I like the squirrel analogy here, i've noticed when there's no pressure he comes towards me & as soon as there's pressure he backs right off & his attitude changes. He's perused me much more when there is no pressure.
3/ Act As If - This has been a biggie, i've acted as though i'm happy/confident and ok with the situation. I've also acted as though i'm getting on with my life regardless of my H and that I have little interest in him. I've always been polite, just not overly friendly - he's commented on how he likes the "new me" a lot.
4/ Mystery - I've tried to create some mystery, new wardrobe & image, nights out that he doesn't know details of, being "busy" but not specifying what or who with etc. The "Act as If" also helps with this.
5/ No R talks about the future unless he's brought it up, even then i've tried to cut them short or change to subject so that it doesnt get too "deep" and uncomfortable - this has meant H has been starting these talks more often.
6/ Communication - I've really focused on communication and after trying lots of changes the following have been the most effective: listening, validating, no fixing, no interrupting, no telling my H how he feels, using "I" statements, sharing similar feelings.
---------------------------------------------------
Thought it was a good time to start a new thread DB has been amazing & really given me my confidence & strength back, the people here are amazing and i'm thankful for all the advice here (both positive & negative!).
I'm currently NC with my H to give myself some head space and get back on track - My plan is to focus on myself for the next couple of weeks, spend a lot of time GAL and also resting & relaxing. I'm intending to keep reading & researching and seeking out support when needed. This is only a temporary thing due to logistics of kids/work.
I have been clear to H that we cant be "friends" until he's completely ended the contact with OW permanently and is willing to show me proof of that, hence why i've gone NC - he's requested we come back together after 2 weeks to talk but i'm trying hard to have no expectations. If he's still not presented me with the proof I plan not to remain very LC & no emotional support until he does.
---------------------------------------------------
What i've learnt from DB so far:
1/ From the moment I made the decision to "let go" of my marriage and old R, I was able to fully focus on myself and saw lots of positives in both myself, my H and our interactions together.
2/ GAL is one of the most crucial parts of DB and really helps with confidence, self-esteem & building yourself into the person that you want to be - I keep reminding myself to "be a woman only a fool would leave" and "be the best ME".
3/ I have been trying to see this separation as a gift of time, its allowing me to look deep within myself and deal with some issues/fears/feelings that have been buried for a long time - its giving me the opportunity to analyse my behaviors and feelings so that I can be the best me! I feel stronger than ever & although i'm very sad about my current situation i'm also thankful for the changes within myself. I realise that these changes are a big part of me being able to be happy regardless of what happens in my M.
4/ I've worked well at DB when i've kept my expectations under control, when expectations creep in then I end up hurt or disappointed. I have also learnt that hope is a positive thing when its not coupled with expectation.
5/ My DB efforts brought very positive changes for me. I've been feeling so much more confident & happier, I've detached a lot so that my H's actions don't affect me as much and I'm able to make much more logical decisions instead of decisions based on emotion.
6/ My DB efforts really brought my H closer to me & his attitude has begun to change, I noticed lots of very positive changes in his actions and how he has been around me as well as his openness & him being more positive about our situation - I need to continue my DB techniques and work hard to remain on track as I believe my H's feelings will continue to change if I handle the situation correctly.
7/ When I allow my emotions instead of blocking them out and trying to "get on with it" I find that the negatives pass more easily and i'm able to continue moving forwards, when I fight the bad days I tend to just keep having bad days until I accept it.
8/ Support from people on here & other places has been the main thing thats kept me going through the tough times along with support from family & friends - I couldnt have done it without the continued support of the people on this forum though!
---------------------------------------------------
Main DB Techniques I've used sucessfully:
1/ No perusing & lots of space - I've let H contact me and not always been available or answered/replied when he does, i've not asked what he's doing or where he's going unless he volunteers that info - this has resulted in my H calling me lots.
2/ No pressure - I like the squirrel analogy here, i've noticed when there's no pressure he comes towards me & as soon as there's pressure he backs right off & his attitude changes. He's perused me much more when there is no pressure.
3/ Act As If - This has been a biggie, i've acted as though i'm happy/confident and ok with the situation. I've also acted as though i'm getting on with my life regardless of my H and that I have little interest in him. I've always been polite, just not overly friendly - he's commented on how he likes the "new me" a lot.
4/ Mystery - I've tried to create some mystery, new wardrobe & image, nights out that he doesn't know details of, being "busy" but not specifying what or who with etc. The "Act as If" also helps with this.
5/ No R talks about the future unless he's brought it up, even then i've tried to cut them short or change to subject so that it doesnt get too "deep" and uncomfortable - this has meant H has been starting these talks more often.
6/ Communication - I've really focused on communication and after trying lots of changes the following have been the most effective: listening, validating, no fixing, no interrupting, no telling my H how he feels, using "I" statements, sharing similar feelings.
---------------------------------------------------