looking for help in The Netherlands

No sure how to do this:
Background:
Wife went on a holiday then came back kicks me out of my house saying that because she was happy on holiday I had to leave. With the words she was doing this to make me happy and more self confident. From what I have read seems like a case of WAS.

Side note: How do you answer your kids when they say : Daddy when is my real mummy coming back. ( They are living with her)

Been living seperated now for nearly a year as she is now insisting on a divorce. She refuses any discussion of marriage counselling.

What I have been doing during the seperation:
- found a new appartment ( hoping it would be temporary)
-Working on myself
-Took up a new hobby
-Became a lot closer to my three kids
- started going on day trips with an Expat group in order
to make friends out side of work
- Getting help from psychologist and also dutch social services
as I completely collapsed from being kicked out of my home.
- Talking to parish priest
- Confused as I do not really fully understand what more I need to change. ( tried asking and got a list that changed when ever I got close to making progress towards meeting the criteria)

The Problem:
Read Divorce busting and probably everything on the web.
Been trying to 180 but not sure if I am.
All help in the netherlands seems to be geared to divorce
being the only option.(Including the parish priest who suggested give
her an ultimatium and then go to mediation to divorce)
There is no support that I have been able to find here towards rebuilding marriages.
All the advice I am hearing and I am pretty sure my wife is being given the same is that
divorce is the only option for my wife.

The Question: Anybody know of a DBer in the Netherlands I can talk to please?
Thanks

Hi, I am sorry for the tough time you are having. You are able to talk to a DB coach wherever you live. We speak to clients all over the world. Michele's coaches are experts in helping you save your marriage. Please give me a call for further information. Take good care.

I look into it. What is the time difference and what days woudl it be possible.?

Any idea what the time difference between the netherlands and your offices is ? So I don't phone at 4 am in the morning.

Hi, You are 7 hours later than we are. You can call between
3pm-10pm your time and reach us. Otherwise leave a message and we will call you back. I would look forward to talking to you. Thanks.

Still trying to pluck up the courage to call.
Just finished ready Divorce remedy and ended up feeling even more dispondent. Felt I had to "skip to chapter 9".
My wife is one of those personalities that once she has made a decision nothing will change.

Would a 1 hour coaching session help me to know how to act in the following situation that will bring me back on the road to rebuilding my marriage? 180's etc. have not seemed to have worked.

She has scheduled a meeting with a mediator on Wednesday to discuss finances. Her words are :"I think it would be
good to start with the financial side as it might take away a lot of anxiety on both our sides to come to an agreement on this." Considering that I have been paying fully for everything for both of us during thi sseperation( The mortgage and the rent of the appartment I had to move to) and that she has full accesss to my salary and bank account and credit cards I am not sure what she has to be anxious about.

Does she have a job?

so just left my son's therapist (ADHD, Dyslexia etc.) after being told single parenting skills and that I should accept that I can do nothing and move forward with the divorce my WAW has asked for. That I should stop feeling sad and embrace my new life.
hmmm. so I am emotionally stuck wanting to DB and being told left right and centre to give up

WAW : started a job over a month ago. i.e. 11 months since separation

Any DB advice on what to do at the mediators tomorrow?
a) should I roll over and agree to whatever my WAW asks for?
path of least confrontation .

b) Should I say no to everything?

c) Should I state that this is just to clarify the current situation so that the children are assured that I will still pay
for the roof over their heads in the family home.

d) refuse to discuss divorce?

e) accelerate it and agree to the divorce and what ever my wife wants? This is seems to be what I am being told by the "help" I am receiving from the Dutch Social services and psychologists.

Mediator today

1. I have been domineering and stifling to WAW all during our marriage
2. Everyone is telling WAW that she is so much happier now.
3. WAW belives we are incompatible
4. WAW wants the house in her name because she belives otherwise she will be lumbered with a 10000 euro tax bill. No I do not understand this one either.
5. Mediator suggested that we see a collegue of hers to help me accept the idea of a divorce.
6. When it was suggested that WAW might also need to attend WAW refused point blank claiming i was trying to reel her back in.
7. WAW raised claims of physical abuse to her and the kids: Not actually true
8. A lot of other stuff i cannot recall. But basically made to feel i am the only guilty party in all this.
9 WAW feels that i am holding a sword over head about the finances.
10 we both trust each other regarding the safety and upbrining of the kids.
11. Somehow I was the one preventing my WAW from finding a job

Next meeting to detail all the finances.

So basically I am torn up again inside and being railroaded into a divorce. Any suggestion of getting help to accept and be able to communicate is refused.

Just protect you and the children, and be fair in your dealings.

Thanks Sandi2 .
I am trying to be fair and to protect the children.
The mediator thougth it was a strange word to use when I said i just wanted to protect my wife and children by ensuring a roof over their heads.

Protecting me : I do not think I really understand what that really means. A part of me still belives that my wife wants the best for both of us and that she belives this is the best way.

Originally Posted By: expatNL

Protecting me : I do not think I really understand what that really means. A part of me still belives that my wife wants the best for both of us and that she belives this is the best way.

It means that you need to do what YOU believe is best for you and your kids regardless of what your wife believes is best for you and your kids.

I didn't say anything about protecting your wife! She wants to remove herself out from your protection! Now, you and your children must be financially protected from her. B/c she may go after you like a shark. Most WAW's will get everything they can b/c of their mindset and b/c it is a struggle to have the lifestyle they can afford.

Is the coaching availble via Skype?

Anyway yesterday evening while I was doing sports with the Kids at work .
My WAW comes over to the equipment room and starts to discuss again why the marriage is over and why I should let go etc.( The sports club is already unhappy that she does this ever week as it leaves me an emotional wreck nearly every time).
Any way she brought forward herself that she would be willing to attend the sessions with the therapist recommended by the mediator in order to help me let go of the marriage. ( a step forward from how she reacted at the mediator's in the morning).

But it is not a session to help the M, right?

If you have questions about DBING coaching, you need to call them and ask.

waiting to get a appointment for the session.
The mediator wants it to be a session to convince me to accept that I can do nothing to change the situation and just accept it.

Just feeling like I am running out of steam and am so tired.
Feels like I am about to start to ramble.

OK so today we had a meeting with
- Social services
- My therapist
- Kids Therapists
- WAS therapist
- WAS
- School representatives

Subject : Social services provide support to families falling apart in order to "protect the interests of the children"
It is a forum to allow all the people involved to share information about the care of the children and prevent chinese whispers ( i.e. he said she said misunderstandings)
Ein Gezin = One Face One Family

What happened :
1. I did not fall apart in tears this time

2. I stated clearly that I did not wish that my WAW corner me about our problems any more during the sports evenings with the children at work. WAW was unhappy about it saying that she did not have any other way she could discuss about the children and other issues. My reply was that if needed we can arrange an appointment but that it was inappropiate to address these issues which caused me to break down in tears at my workplace.

3. Kids are doing great at school and no problems at all.

4. Again encouraged by all that I should seek help to accept that we are getting divorce.

My take with a DB perspective:
---------------------------------
1. I managed to face my WAW without breaking down
(is this a 180 ???)
2. I managed to state clearly a boundary
(is this a 180 ???)
3. WAW feels vindicated in her descision by kids good grades and being told that I should just accept it.
4. I don't see much room/evidence for hope or what more 180s I need to do that can help.
5.Acceptance therapy I think would at least give me the tools to put on a brave face to the situation.

It helps writing it down and having comments from another perspective.

arrgh! feels like a physical punch in the stomach and I am not sure I am handling these situations correctly either for myself or in an appropiate DB way.

So today I get an email from my WAW clarifying in detail the kids schedule for the next two days and Easter and in the middle of it

> 1)Tonight I will pass you a bag with some papers that I found

Where tonight is the sports evening with the kids at my workplace which I thought yesterday she had agreed not to use to discuss issues regarding the separation. No details of what papers she is talking about.

Anyway here below was my response about which I really am not sure if my answer was appropiate or helpful.
I am constantly second guessing my self it feels like.

Dear xxxxx
Thankyou for the clarification of the children's schedule for the next two days.
Regarding the bag with papers:
1. Work is not the appropiate place to transfer papers.
2. What papers are you reffering to? It is inappropiate to start emptying the house of paperwork prior to mediation

Regarding the points about the children sure no problems.
Regards
xxxxxx

Comments ideas ?????

so the papers turned out to be related to a pension policy cancelled 5 years ago and a junkmail flyer.
Not clear to me what or why it is important for my WAW to drip feed like this.

a) Is she looking to cause a reaction in me in order that she can say that I am being unreasonable ?

b) Propably she does not realise the effect it has on me as a LBS and that I am now probably hyper-sensitive to any little thing when I should just ignore it.

c) More likely reason: That I have still not processed the situation and I am reacting to any little thing that reminds me that I am being railroaded into a divorce.

So how do you tell if you are making progress in DB?

My WAW seems to find a reason each day to email me organisational messages regarding the children. And today sms's me that she might allow me the use of the family car next week for when I have the children.

Confused : On the one hand it is hell bent for leather to the divorce and on the other it is micro managing the time and activities of the children and my interaction with them.

I really have no idea about anything at the moment.

Despite what she is doing, what are YOU doing proactively in your situation?

What I am doing proactively? : Difficult question as I feel I have hit a dead end.

so far over the last year:
GAL:
1. Found an apartment within a month of being forced to leave
2. Started a new hobby - climbing/bouldering ( I have vertigo!)
3. being available for the kids when ever asked. (QT)
4. shared the new hobby with the kids ( WAW says kids really enjoy it)
5. Started going on day trips with people not from work ( meetups) in order to broaden my social circle
6. Tried to reduced communication with WAW in order to support the kids.
7. kept the finances the same so that the kids have a roof over their heads and all bills paid for.
8. Tried to establish bouandaries as to her control of my life. ( seems always to make things worse)

Things I am probably still doing wrong:
1. letting my WAW dictate when and how many of the children I am allowed to have at one time . ( 3 kids)
2. Still beliving every wordshes says about me especially the negative
3. Not having a clue what is proactive as from reading DB and DR what I think is procative is precisily what I should not do.(i.e. Begging etc. )

Rather than listing your marital issues like a grocery list, how about explaining in detail what your marriage problems actually were? Why did she say she left the M?

This is a very confused answer below.
I know I am responsible for difficulties in the marriage but after a year seperated it is difficult to verbalise them with out it coming across as my blaming her. I belive that it is all my fault for not knowing how to help her to feel happy.

what my marriage problems were?

That is the crux of the matter as it is not really that clear to me. I have been trying to understand what went wrong. That I was too submissive, that I was no longer acting as a partner but just a piece of the furniture. That I was cluttering the house up by being there.

Problems in the marriage: Complaints that I always wanted to have activities as a family with her. Feelings I had was that my opinion was not valued and that she is always right no matter what. The feeling that both of us thought the other was too controlling and we were under the other's thumb. ( i.e. everthing I was unhappy about we both seem to have felt but with the roles reversed)

When I have tried to understand what went wrong and ask the answers are confused. To summarise it all would be to say she was unhappy with her life with me.

Comments I am trying to extrapolate sense from ( I am falling back on my engineering background with using lists I know)
-----------------------------------------------------------
-Very first thing she said at moment of kicking me out She said she wanted me to leave to make me happy and more self confident.
- then given a grocery list by WAW of things to change:
- be happy
- spend more QT with the kids
WAW acknowleged the changes but then says she wanted
divorce all along and was/is just waiting for me to accept it

-after eight months seperation she was feeling stifled and that I was holding her back.

- after six months seperation started saying that problems started five years ago : ( about the time I finished a Masters and had been slowly building up my self confidence) i.e. I had started to think that I should be allowed to express an opinion and dialogue.

- that we argued. ( had differences of opinion)

- that I am to blame for everything she felt was wrong with her life

- Now says her life is blossoming and she has never been so happy.

Then the most hurtful comment that she only married me to fix me.

Against that maybe I should just give up (but I owe it to myself ,my children and my wife to try and honour the promise I made to her when we married) .
I really do not know anymore what to offer/change anymore. Backing down constantly has not helped. Drawing lines in the sand has not helped. I really have run out of ideas of what to do given that we live in seperate dwellings.

Again today told by personal therapist that I should just let go and get on with my life and give up trying to change myself to please her.