Scorp
You have gotten a lot of very good advice and perspective from people that I really respect. As Drew mentioned, many of us have been where you find yourself today. It is not a nice place to be; then again, it is also where you are – so you need to accept it. I have a lot going on at work today so I will keep this short (at least short for me – no comments Mach or Drew).
You made mistakes in your M. We all did. Get over it. Holding on to it does no good whatsoever. It seems like you are still carrying around a lot of chit – guilt – that is driving some of your choices. Much like Mach and Drew have echoed, I wonder if there is more to your story that you are letting us in on. Personally, I do not need to know, I think YOU have to figure out if there is something that you are not saying that is affecting how you are looking at your current sitch. If I were to guess (and this is a guess), I think that deep down inside you know you f’d up by not trying to secure access to the kids sooner. This has result in you trying to tippy toe around your W and probably your L so that YOU do not look “bad”. Guess what? It will look bad dude. Sorry. That said, you have to get over it. Another thing I wonder is…..how much YOU really want the kids. What I mean by this is something that Mach touched on….have you really separated you as a father from you as a husband. My point is, are you using the kids as a ploy to get your W back? If you are, then trust me, your L, a court, your W and more importantly…your kids will see right through it.
So Scorp, anything else you care to share?
At the end of the day, the advice that you have received about asking FIRST for what YOU WANT is spot on. That said, I really believe that the first thing you need to do is to ask yourself what is in the best interest of your kids. Look yourself in the mirror and separate how you feel about your W, your MIL, your M – what is in their best interest? Add to that…what is in their best interest TODAY and that YOU have some level of control over. I mention control because at the end of the day, YOU do not control YOUR W….so if you give me the standard “I want my kids to have MOM in their life, o I want me and my wife to be able to co parent”….my response is gonna be 1) YOUR kids will always have mom in their life – the relationship between MOM and the kids is NOT YOURS to control or manipulate. 2) Co parenting involves TWO people. Going into thinking that you caving in and agreeing to everything your W wants NOW, in the hope that she will co parent is flawed thinking. You cannot control your W! You cannot make her co parent. Not now – not ever. So if you think about…..this is why everyone is saying that you need to do what YOU want to do. It is why everyone is telling you to not cave in….just yet.
You did not take the kids 4 hours aways. Your W did. Do you know why she did it? IMO, your W did it because that is what SHE wanted. Notice that she is doing what SHE thinks is best. Do you think that moving closer and selling a nice new house that the kids live in is in their best interest? IMO, NO it is not. It may be in your W best interest but how is that yours….then again, unless your choices are ALL driven by trying to get HER back.
My sitch was different than yours. I stayed in the house (slept on the floor for a while) so that I could be near my kids. The other reason though….is because I was afraid. I was frozen with guilt. When, I finally faced my issues – well then things got a lot clearer. For almost 2 years my ex did not agree to 50/50…according to her, she wanted her time with the kids. I also was much like you…I wanted my kids to enjoy their mom, I wanted to have a great co parenting R with my ex. So I agreed to 50/50 EVEN THOUGH the kids were probably better off with me full time. Anywhoo…we divorced, me happy with my 50/50….then reality set it. I had the kids 70 – 80 of the time, I had to deal with all the parent responsibility – all of it. My ex….ummm…she was busy living her life. I became the rock for my kids. I am soooo happy I was blessed with the opportunity to do it. It is still to this day, the best time of my life. I tear up still when I think about how I had to show my D12 how to shave her pits. LOL. Her mom, well she was busy living her life. My point in all of this is simple………….
Had I had the b*lls to ask for EXACTLY what I wanted and what I think was best for the kids…chances are, I would have received it.
I was scared Scorp…
So…once again….what is better for the kids? If it really is….50/50 with mom and an elderly MIL, in a town that is not as nice and has a higher crime rate – then fine OR if YOU really do not want them more than half the time, that is okay too. Trust me it is not easy being a full time parent.
So Scorp what make the most sense for THEM – cause trust me….the real victims here are THEM, it is NOT YOU nor YOUR W. It is them.
Well I am going to go further....
Need help saving my family...thats the title of your threads... Then a bunch of us put time in telling you the steps to follow but you prefer to be a victim....
I can come here everyday and tell you that she is a piece of Chit and nothing will change...do you know why? Because she is not the problem....
The problem here is you... Your self steeme its one of the problems here....
Basically you dont love, respect or care at all about the most important person you ever had in your life....thats correct that person its you!
You tell us that she blames you for everything, and one very important detail...how you been a musician and she wished you had quitted that so then you poorly you tell us that she is right and you were thinking about it....
While I was with my wife I wanted to be a photographer...support myself with photography and I did it, I became a very suscessfull paparazzi....2 years after I knew that as I kept repeating myself tht wasnt the photography I wanted to do so guess what? I stopped doing that, the kind of photography I want to do will arrive but first I have other things to do in order to reach that vision...
So no more drama in my life...I quit because I wasnt happy doing that type of photography not because my wife told me...
I did that for my own self and my own benefit...I made a lot of money but I lost many things in the proccess so it wasnt for me....
It seems that all the things you were doing for yourself suddendly they dont matter so your W leaves and your passions leave with her and bro I cant believe that...its simply and pure lying to yourself... You want to keep doing it? Fine...your w its not coming back that way....
So now if I was her I would left you a long time ago...maybe I wouldnt even had kids with you ( I am not trying to hurt you) the reason why? Because your lack of confidence.... You doubting about your music career are just telling her...if one day doesnt work....so she probably tought oh chit what if we are 60 and he decides he is quitting without a plan? A woman has to look for her and her kids... She doesnt need you to be Michael Jackson, she needed you to believe in yourself, and when we dont have hobbies or friends or enjoy our life we are showing to the world that we dont love ourselves so of course many people dont want to be around us....
In life there are difficult times and your W its a person that supports you through them....but if you are not supporting yourself bro, she cant do all the job...
Thats what we show you here, to be confident and believe in yourself...your W might as well have her own issues and trust me when I tell you that her resentment now its probably because she sees that even now you are rejecting to take care of yourself...why would she respect you if you dont respect yourself???
Now you keep accussing her...dude I got it she might have problems but those are her problems not yours....you are focussing on her problems because its easier to blame her than to take a personal inventory of yourself...and dude you dont have to change that much...its hard the change but its necessary....
I guarantee you that if you respect and follow the advice members give you here you will succeed at this...if not, well keep doing what you doing and having 3000 threads, but nothing its gonna be different...you want different things? Work for them my friend, we are here to help you on that proccess....
So this is not easy and look once you improve and recover the pasion for the music... I cant believe you did that for 20 years out of passion just because it was a job....i just cant believe that...
Once you recover that passion and hobbies and work towards ACCEPTING YOURSELF you can have whatever you want...even your W back...but untill them you are just crownling down the hole and more and more chit will happen....
And listen if you improve yourself and your W tells you hey I still dont want to be with you because you are not tall enough, you dont make enough money... You will not care less about that... Dont change to be who she wants...change to be who you want.
Are you ready to start now or should we keep going and continue to "blame" her??
Scorp, I'm still in the 'location doesn't matter' camp but I agree with ye that you have low self-esteem. Through all of your threads we've all seen the common trend of people pleasing and that comes about through a lack of love for yourself. I can say that because I've been the same person and I'm still working on it. I live where my wife wants to live and I do the bulk of the housework and kid-chasing in my home. Originally, it was to try and please my wife and it didn't work. She appeared to not notice or worse, not care, and in turn I felt like crap because my efforts were going to waste. Once I found DB and started working on myself, it became clear to me I had to do things for myself, that made me happy, and surprisingly, I stayed in town because I wanted to be with my kids more than I wanted entertainment, etc and I kept up with the bulk of the housework because I enjoyed having clean clothes and dishes and a tidy house. You do need to work out what you want. Write it down and prioritise it if you have to. It will help steer you in the right direction.
As for the musician thing, you've had that longer than you've been married to your wife. Think about that. It's a great GAL activity and you meet new people through it too.
I can take on the world if need be, but when it comes to my W I have a very hard time going against her. In our M I ALWAYS checked with her before I did ANYTHING. I did a lot of things that were really only for me that my W went along with but she's told me since she's been gone that she actually resented those things. Again, as I've said before, she was either afraid to tell me or I think the main issue was she didn't want to disappoint me by not going along with what she thought I wanted.
The "buts" above....bolded in text, and bolded once again in actions, or in this case.....INaction.
The rest ?
The good points are invalidated by the "buts" ....
And like Drew said, pretty script with her words. She is going to find ANYthing to push away from you.
One thing that I was eluding to with my prior post, was that there is something that just isn't right when I read you, and the way that you sell yourself to please other people.
If you were to honestly read back through your threads, I think that you may agree that something is amiss there. It's not the way that you answer things, or speak. Actually, it's the things that you avoid talking about, and the way that you don't fully address certain things that throws me off with you.
So I am gonna lay it out there and ask some very specific questions to you....
You avoid any real confrontation with your spouse, and you are more than ready to bow down to her every whim. You explain that you are doing this in hopes of saving the marriage. Yet I see you bowing to the same set of things with your Female lawyer. You tend to answer more directly to the Female posters here.
And now, you are talking about getting a Nanny for your kids when they are with you ??
Given the option, would you say that your kids are better off being with the Nanny that you hire ?? Or their Mother ???
I'm not sure what your view is about the traditional "roles" of a Husband and Wife within a marriage. Although I get the feeling that your ego has (and I haven't met a musician yet that doesn't have an ego), allowed you to slip into 'caveman' mentality with this....
What is it, that intimidates you about the Female gender ???
What did the normal day look like within your house when your spouse was still there ???
Another thing is....
Rarely...does a woman just decide one day to move away from her Husband and move herself and her young children 4 hours away without some sort of indication that it's happening, or going to happen.
She filed (what you now call a BS) complaint against you, that ...
1- You didn't argue with
2-She didn't follow up on
For me, that indicates that somewhere, someway, there has been a past issue with this ....
Has there been ?
Why was she so intimidated by you, that she left in the way that she did ????
I'd mentioned a few times that I'm a musician, played in bands for about 20+ years, toured and did the whole thing. My W was always, seemingly, very supportive of me with my music. When she left she told me she resented my playing in my band, especially after our kids came along and that I should have quit years ago. I'd been conflicted before she left and thought about giving up the band for a long time but she encouraged me to keep going with it. Since she's told me how she felt I've had a hard time even touching a guitar and music has lost all the joy it used to give me.
I am calling BS on this one...
First off, I don't think that you are really seeing the point here.
Women in general, are the most supportive, nurturing, loving people that were ever created. They far outweigh the efforts of us cave dwellers....
Women also, want to be chosen...EVERY DAY by the Man that they love....
So it wasn't that you played music, it was the fact that you CHOSE music over her...
And IF you would have chosen her, everyday, then you can add faithful to that list above....
And it isn't that she told you... that hurts....it's the fact that it is true, and your own guilt has you reeling from it....
Hindsight is 20/20, and I'm sure that you would do it different now...
Would you do it FOR your family ??
Or to relieve your guilt over doing it ???
So...why are you not playing still ??
What I can't get past:
She left with your kids and moved them four hours away.
She accused you of abuse and had you arrested.
And you did nothing for five months.
What aren't you telling us?
Eric:
I think that deep down inside you know you f’d up by not trying to secure access to the kids sooner.
I can see that I made a mistake by not getting a L involved sooner. I tried to be patient, talk it out with my W, etc, and believed that would lead to us working on our M and getting back together. It obviously hasn't happened so far.
Another thing I wonder is…..how much YOU really want the kids. What I mean by this is something that Mach touched on….have you really separated you as a father from you as a husband. My point is, are you using the kids as a ploy to get your W back? If you are, then trust me, your L, a court, your W and more importantly…your kids will see right through it
I want my kids more than anything in this world. I do not view anything I have done in the past or am planning for the future in any way relates to my W. I AM their Dad and I want to be with them and give them the best life I can. This isn't a new thing since my W left, I've always felt that way. I have done and will always do anything for them.
Anyway, I'm not trying to control my W with what I'm doing today. My only priority is my kids and I'm not willing to risk losing them in a custody battle so that I can keep a house, a job etc. All the material things have some importance but they can be replaced, time with my kids can't.
Being a single parent is hard. I've done a fair bit of it since my W has been gone and I watched my parents do it for most of my childhood. I wouldn't trade that for anything! No matter how hard things have been, every second of my time with my kids has always been awesome and I will do whatever I have to in order to make sure they will never have me for anything less than half their time.
Ye, I realize I've come across as though I feel I'm a victim. I don't really believe I feel that way. I definitely don't think my wife is a bad person at all.
The problem here is you... Your self steeme its one of the problems here....
Basically you dont love, respect or care at all about the most important person you ever had in your life....thats correct that person its you!
I agree 100%. I've been seeing a IC to deal with it for the past 5+ months but it's something that will take time. I do take pretty good care of myself but when it comes to my W I definitely put way more value on her than I do myself.
why would she respect you if you dont respect yourself???
My problems stem from insecurity. From that I tried to compensate by giving my W and kids everything (house, cars, stuff). I gave them all that but I didn't give them enough of what mattered most, myself. Being insecure, I never thought I was good enough for my family which in turn led to depression. Not a great combo to be sure.
Bottom line, I know I need to work on myself and that I can't control anything with my W. The changes I'm making are for my kids and for myself. I do think I'm getting better but it's going to take time.
Are you ready to start now or should we keep going and continue to "blame" her??
I guess I may have come across as "blaming" my W but I take FULL responsibility for my 50% of the situation. My W has to live with her role in our M and what's happened since but there's nothing I can do about that.
Barry, I don't really care where I live although where I am now is a far better place for my kids to be than where they are with my W. By far the most important thing is that my kids have their Dad with them for at least half their time.
Like Ye touched on, I do suffer from a very poor self esteem, big time insecure etc. I'm getting better at not letting it effect me so much but it's going to take time.
Mach
You avoid any real confrontation with your spouse, and you are more than ready to bow down to her every whim.
Not doing that anymore. I've said I want 50/50 with my kids and will not discuss anything else with my W until that has been completed.
And now, you are talking about getting a Nanny for your kids when they are with you ??
Given the option, would you say that your kids are better off being with the Nanny that you hire ?? Or their Mother ???
I don't want a nanny or any other child care for my kids. This is just a practicality. I'm not sure how anyone could work AND give their kids the full attention they need. My W is not with our kids most of the time right now either. She is either away at work or when she is working from home my MIL watches the kids. I will be with my kids all the time, whether a nanny is there to help or not.
What is it, that intimidates you about the Female gender ???
They don't intimidate me. Actually I think I love women in general too much. To the point that I think my W is much better than I am. I put her and a lot of women on a pedestal. Likely partly due to my own insecurity.
What did the normal day look like within your house when your spouse was still there ???
Monday through Thursday I drove into the city to work in the office. I would be away from 9am to about 4 or 5pm. I drove my D6 to school every day and took my D4 to pre school when I could. I worked from home each Friday and which allowed my W to work with her clients in the city so my D4 and S2 were home with me. I tried to work from home other days during the week to be with the kids as much as I could. My W did most of the cooking and I would clean up afterward. We shared laundry, cleaning the house and caring for the kids. When I wasn't at work I was generally at home with my W and my kids other than when I was doing something with my music which was fairly rarely over the last couple of years.
Rarely...does a woman just decide one day to move away from her Husband and move herself and her young children 4 hours away without some sort of indication that it's happening, or going to happen.
She filed (what you now call a BS) complaint against you, that ...
1- You didn't argue with
2-She didn't follow up on
For me, that indicates that somewhere, someway, there has been a past issue with this ....
Has there been ?
Why was she so intimidated by you, that she left in the way that she did ????
It took me a while to come to grips with the fact that my W had planned, at least on some level, to leave me at least a year before she left. Why was my W intimidated by me? I'm guessing because she saw me angry plenty of times in the past, not at her, but just at life in general (not cool I know). Add that to the fact my W is generally a very shy, quiet person and I can be very much the opposite. When we first met my W was afraid to answer the door because she was so shy.
So it wasn't that you played music, it was the fact that you CHOSE music over her...
I think it came down to my W seeing that no matter what I did or how much she supported my I didn't seem to be happy. She did everything for me, supported me with everything and yet I still didn't seem happy. In truth I was very happy but I did a really bad job of showing that to her.
So...why are you not playing still ??
I actually quit my band within days of my W leaving. I felt I needed to devote 100% of my time and attention to my family so I couldn't put in the time needed for my music. I know my kids loved watching and listening to me play and I do miss it so I likely will return to playing at some level again down the road. I don't see myself doing any touring but just playing locally, doing some recording at home and most importantly teaching my kids to play if they want to learn.
Ok, here is what I have ready to send to my W:
Are you willing to consider moving back to the Scorp's City area?
In response to your questions:
1) If there is a shared parenting arrangement agreed to I would go to the trouble of relocating to the W's Home Town area.
2) I would move as soon as we agreed on a shared parenting plan which splits time and custody with our kids 50/50.
3, 4) While it would take a lot of work to make happen and cooperation from Scorp's Company, I expect to work from home on a full time basis for Scorp's Company and would maintain my current position.
5) I understand that my work schedule would remain essentially the same, Monday to Friday, 40 hours per week. I would hire child care to assist with caring for the kids while I am working.
6) I may need to return to Scorp's City once or twice per month and would do so during the time the kids are with you.
It is not my preference to relocate to W's Province as all of my extended family and friends support system as well as my job is in Scorp's Province. Also, it will take considerable work and personal sacrifices for me to relocate to W's Province. However, if you are prepared to co-parent with me in W's Province, then I am prepared to work with my employer to make relocation to W's Province happen.
End of message.
Here is my W's original message from a couple of days ago:
You have presented the idea of sharing the care of the kids on an equal basis. I have a few questions that would help me to effectively discuss the proposal with you, such as:
1. Are you planning on moving to the W's Home Town area?
2. What does your timeline look like?
3. What about work?
4. Would you be working remotely for Scorp's Company? or would you be trying to find employment here?
5. What would your work schedule be like?
6. How often would you have to go to Scorp's City?
I did ask my L about asking my W if she would move back to my province. Here response was "Yes it would have been but it seems like you have already floated the idea of you coming out there and she responded to that.........You could certainly say at the beginning that your preference would be for her to move back to your province etc etc."
Scorp,
All of the posters have raised very valid concerns and questions.
Now, I am going to talk here as if you were a close friend of mine IRL (in real life).
Scorp,
Eric wrote:
OR you can go for FULL custody.
Have you ever thought of this? After reading some recent posts with more and more additional information, I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that you WILL most likely come ahead of your W if you go for the full custody. Here's why:
1) According to you, you live in a nice neighborhood that is not crime ridden
2) You have the house and probably can afford to buy out your W
3) You have a full-time job that allows you to support the three of you financially in the family house
4) Your neighborhood is within a good school district and the kids know their friends from that school
5) Your W just upped and "kidnapped" the kids AWAY from their own home, their school, their friends
Let W move closer to your province if she wants to spend time with the kids! A change of perspective produces a different set of possibilities for you. See?
What do you think?
Scorp, man....^^^ that right there is real stuff delivered on a GOLD platter for you. We've talked and talked about your fears holding you back because you just want to be the "nice guy" here. Who are the real losers? The kids, because of your ill conceived choices which by the way is based on imaginary fears, will not have a nice house to live in, grow up in a good neighborhood, have a solid educational foundation for adulthood, etc....ALL FOR WHAT?? Because you were too f*cking scared of a woman who lives 4 HOURS AWAY!
Doesn't that sound kinda silly to you at all, right?
Not getting through to you here?
Ok.
You're an idiot! You can't be serious in not going after FULL custody. What you need is to face head on the illusion behind the green curtain that is the Oz which is your W. Face it and then you'll earn the "Bravery" medal for your kids. Roar like a true LION. Not a yelp from a tiny teensy Yorkie newborn pup.
Right?
Which is the BETTER choice for YOUR kids?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Please keep in mind that this is what I would have said to a close friend after several supportive, neutral discussions getting no where...then pulling no punches with my friend with straight talk.
And I'd hold off on sending any emails to W until the end of this week....it is a MAJOR decision that will impact you and the kids. W can wait a bit longer!
We truly, truly want you to see that 100 people here DO see that going for FULL custody is the BEST choice for the kids. 100:1 are pretty strong odds here, Scorp. We all are urging you to step back and really re-think your stance on the 50/50 custody. Why? Because it is based on fear. When people make choices based on fear, the outcome is usually 99% unfavorable. I am sure that you probably made some awful choices in the past that were based on fear, right?
To nearly all of us, it's a no-brainer. If I may suggest, if I were you, I'd discuss options from the FULL custody angle with L. It is my sense that you haven't fully explored what entails requesting FULL custody with your L. Right or wrong?
What you seem to be missing is that it is VERY rare for ANY parent to get full custody of the kids in Canada. BTW, custody and time with the kids are two different things. Custody refers to a parent having a say in how their kids live (where they go to school, their medical care, after school activities etc). Time with them is a totally separate issue.
I can't speak to how things are down south, but up here it is VERY rare for a father to get full custody of the kids. If the mother is deemed "unfit" then the father will POSSIBLY get full custody and the mother would have ever other weekend visitation rights with the kids. The far more common scenario is for the father to have shared custody of their kids and see them every other weekend. This is not fear, it is FACT. Do you really think I haven't done a TON of my own fact finding to know what my chances are in a custody fight?
This has NOTHING to do with me being a nice guy. If I thought that I could have my kids brought back to my province I would have that done BUT IT WILL NOT HAPPEN. I haven't spoken much about my W but I do think, despite her recent actions, she is a good mother. I know my kids need her just as much as they need me.
Wonka, I have discussed custody and time with my L as well as a couple of other L's. Not one even hinted at my getting full custody or time with my kids as being remotely possible.
If you have time look up Bill C-560, equal parenting, it is set to be presented to the federal government next week. It has been around for about 15 years and has not been passed but it may be getting closer to being passed. Basically it would change family law in Canada such that both parents would be automatically assumed to have 50/50 custody and time with the kids upon dissolution of a marriage.
This bill hasn't passed yet. If it does that would be great. If you do some reading on the bill you will also turn up a lot on just how biased the courts are against men obtaining equal rights with their kids, let alone having a hope of full custody. Does it happen that a father gets full custody, sure, but it's a very rare exception where the mother was totally unfit or a danger to her kids.
Scorp,
I can't speak to how things are down south, but up here it is VERY rare for a father to get full custody of the kids.
It has happened/does happen.
If I thought that I could have my kids brought back to my province I would have that done BUT IT WILL NOT HAPPEN.
Based on what? You're just 'predicting' a future scenario that HASN'T happened...yet. So....you don't know unless you go for FULL custody.
Really...what I am seeing here is that you seem have made up your mind to offer 50/50 and give up a beautiful home to move a crime-ridden area. It's your life. Not mine.
It is very important that you can LIVE with this choice and quite comfortable with it because YOU will need live with the consequences of your decisions.
Okay...it's on! Then work with L on the 50/50 custody.
The first L I spoke to said that we could "shoot for the moon and ask for shared custody and time". He also hinted that I get used to being discriminated against in the process.
The second L said we could go for shared custody and time but that courts are still weighted in favor of the mother.
The L I hired said something similar but that she thought I would likely end up with more than just every other weekend for sure and would have a chance at shared time.
I have spoken to countless parents that are D that have spoken of their experiences as well. I have not spoken to ONE father that has full custody and that includes a father who's ExW was a drunk and abusive to her kids.
Scorp,
Silly me for missing this post you put up about three posts back....
What you seem to be missing is that it is VERY rare for ANY parent to get full custody of the kids in Canada. If I am reading this right, it would be very HARD for your W to get FULL custody of the kids as well? Is that what I am understanding here correctly?
So it would appear that nobody up in Canada gets FULL custody of the kids in divorce...huh?
It is nearly all 50/50....regardless if one parent is declared "unfit" or "incapable"...is that about right?
Hey Scorp, what is your wife's town really like. Take off the Scorp-goggles for a moment and think about the good and bad things. Is it a place you could be happy in? Is it a place your kids could be happy in?
Wonka, it's rare for parents to get full CUSTODY, that is not time with the kids. Mother's often do get the majority of time with the kids but custody is usually shared.
Thanks for the sarcasm, very helpful.
Barry, the town has some good points. The school seems to be decent. The class sizes are generally reasonable. There are worse places we could be. Compared to where we were living it falls short in a lot of areas but as long as my kids have their Mom and their Dad we can make it work.
As long as you and the kids can be happy there. I understand why everyone is pushing you for certain things but I don't agree with it. Absolutely, 100% protect yourself and the kids, but I don't buy this full custody stuff. If you wife starts to come round and you can stand up for yourself, awesome! If not, revert back to what everyone is suggesting with the lawyer route.
Thanks Barry. I don't think that one parent should ever try to take the kids away from the other unless there was abuse or some other major problem. Whatever problems my W and I have they need to be separate from our kids. They need both of us.
If my W won't be reasonable and share the kids 50/50 then I'll have no choice but to continue with my L. We'll see what tomorrow brings :-)
I can't imagine wanting to R with my H if he stole my children like that . . . I would fight like hell without a single thought about whether it would be an impediment to R.
I still find it hard to believe that in Canada, a court would not immediately rectify this situation.
.
Honestly, there are parts of the story that are still shady. Particularly the bogus charges and taking your kids so far away with out telling you.
I mean she kidnaped your kids. There is no other way to put it. And if canada is ok with kidnapping children for no reason, I never want to move there!
You really haven't explained that, but it is your business not to.
Something simply doesn't add up.
Eric, Mach, and I have all asked him this same question and no answer.
Gabby, mel, in Canada one parent can take the kids away to another province and it is allowed. I agree, it's ridiculous. If she had taken them out of the country then she would have been charged with kidnapping. Also, since she moved in with her parents (ie a place where she had support) then it is also viewed differently. If she had shacked up with some guy she just met or was living somewhere without support then it would have made it very likely the kids would have been brought back.
As far as the charge she made against me apparently that happens all the time in my province. Many women when they decide they want out of the marriage will make a false claim against their H about feeling threatened. This gives them total control of the situation because what happens is the police will charge the H without so much as doing an investigation. At that point the W is free to do what she wants when she leaves. It's a scary situation to be sure. I wish I could say that things were better in my country when it comes to family law but unfortunately it's very grim.
Drew, I think I've answered this several times. What exactly is it that you feel I haven't answered?
I don't know, I'm like four or five of the others here. Long time posters like myself. Something just doesn't add up TO ME.
A lot of your answers are framed:
Well, in Canada...
Well, usually...
Apparently...
Generalities and assumptions, IMO.
I guess my point is that this is your life and your situation.
Me? If my ex kidnapped my kids, moved them four hours away, has me arrested on false charges, and dictated when and where I got to see MY kids, I wouldn't give two rat's arses what USUALLY happens, chit would get real, really fast.
I'd fight like h*ll to clear my name unequivocally and see my kids.
But that's just me.
I had a ton of guilt for the situation. I didn't blame my W for what happened. I should have given her at least half the blame for the situation but I didn't. I realized I had been a giant a***ole and had been for a long time. Forget the excuses for why I was the way I was. I wasn't angry at my W, I'm still not, I was angry at myself for letting things go the way they did.
Should I have fought to have my kids brought back much sooner? Yes. Easy to say now. For the first 3 or 4 months I was 99% sure that I would get a chance to work things out with my W. I felt like fighting for my kids would be hurting my W, yes, that was a stupid way to look at things, but that's where my head was at.
Nothing I can do about the past now. I have a L that is still going ahead with filing for D. I sent my message to my W last night so we'll see if we can sort things out on our own. If not, the L is still full steam ahead with things unless something changes and my W agrees to 50/50.
Don't let guilt cloud your judgment on decisions you'll have to live with the rest of your life.
And more importantly, your children.
I had a ton of guilt for the situation. I didn't blame my W for what happened. I should have given her at least half the blame for the situation but I didn't. I realized I had been a giant a***ole and had been for a long time. Forget the excuses for why I was the way I was. I wasn't angry at my W, I'm still not, I was angry at myself for letting things go the way they did.
We live life...and we learn... This way of talking to yourself its dangerous... Accept who you are and what you did... Its who you are and thats all, not your job to judge yourself.
Look I gained weight while M and now I am exercising.... I dont tell myself what an ass that I didnt work out, its just at that time I didnt feel like it because I was busy with other stuff...stuff that at that point was important to me...thats all...life keeps going and today I go for a 80 miles bike trip...
The things you did were strictly necessary at that point...
Thanks, I've been really, really hard on myself for the situation. I got very low for the first 2 or 3 months after my W left, dangerously so. My only thoughts at the time were that I screwed up horribly and had to do anything I could to get my W and kids back. I thought of them together and that I owed it to my kids to "fix" things with my W so that they could have their family back.
Honestly, I'm still dealing with guilt but I know I can't let it effect what I'm doing anymore.
Other than thoughts believed and the images in your head, where is the proof of past or future?
Think about it bro
Also when I shift into defense, I am defending denial...
Hey Scorp7 are you near innisfail?
Can you explain... what "screwed up horribbly means". What exactly did you do? Was op involved?
Better said...
Why do you think your W packed up, left a nice house, in a nice neighbor hood and took the kids 4 hours away?
Did u ever hit her?
Did you cheat on her?
Did u beat the kids?
Did you verbally insult her often?
I am a little confused also but not from Canada. I know in the states that if one spouse takes the kids from another - the courts can and usually will step in and unilaterally award full custody back to the spouse that could not gain access to the children. (Barring of course some sort of abuse from the spouse the children were taken from).
Why do you think your W packed up, left a nice house, in a nice neighbor hood and took the kids 4 hours away?
Our life was incredibly stressful and I didn't help things with my attitude. I was constantly pushing for more, never seemed to really be happy or satisfied with the life we had. With the many stressful things we were dealing with (quick recap from the past 2 year, my Mom had major health problems that my W and I helped her with, we bought into a business, our son was born, we built a big house on an acreage that was a major project and didn't go well, I worked full time and played in a band, my W worked from home and cared for our kids when I was at work). WAY too much stress. We were both likely clinically depressed and although we talked a LOT, I did most of the talking and I don't think my W felt she could tell me her true feelings. She witnessed me being angry a lot, not towards her or our kids but just in general. I wasn't much fun to be around a lot of the time.
Did u ever hit her? Never, and I would never do that to any woman. I'm not a violent guy in any way.
Did you cheat on her? No, although she did see other women get far too friendly with me when I played shows. I didn't encourage that but I should have done more to discourage it for sure. I always assured her she was the only one for me and that the shows were just a show but it still bothered her I'm sure.
Did u beat the kids? Never. I don't even believe in spanking.
Did you verbally insult her often? No. The worst things I did was I once accused her of being lazy (very stupid thing to say and I apologized profusely). I also would be critical of how she did things at times. I thought I was helping or trying to fix things but I definitely didn't go about it in the right way.
We had a LOT to be happy about in our lives but I never really learned how to be happy. She tried to MAKE me happy by doing anything and everything for me but when she saw I often didn't seem to be appreciative of what she did or what we had she gave up. The last two years were definitely what pushed things over the edge.
Her parents didn't approve of me either. I was not their ideal SIL. I had long hair, played in bands, I made good money but not in a field they would really respect. I was pretty shy and insecure around them so they took that I didn't like them or didn't want them around. Also, when it came to our sex life I was pretty adventurous and my W was the total opposite. If my W told her mother about any of that (it's likely she did) then that would NOT have gone over well at all.
That ^^^
Screams control
Can you explain... what "screwed up horribbly means". What exactly did you do? Was op involved?
Bumping ^^^ for clarity...
OR avoidance, whichever comes first....
I thought I'd answered that in my last post...
I took my W for granted! In the worst ways possible. She is a pleaser and for her to try to do everything to please me and for me to react as though she wasn't enough that would be horrible for her.
Uh, yeah, I guess it did. Not sure what the deal is here. If the idea is that I'm not telling everything then I guess I'm done here. Pretty sad that I seek help and then be accused of lying or withholding info. Good stuff. Very thankful for those that have helped out, it was very much appreciated.
BTW, just so I can understand, what exactly was my W going to do??? Her only real support is her parents and they live 4 hours away. Where else was she going to go??? Was she going to leave the kids behind??? As far as the charges go, she did her homework and she needed to be sure that I couldn't easily have the kids brought back. Happens all the time here.
Hi Scorp-
Don't bail on this place. Trust me when I say that there are VERY few here that don't have their hearts in the right place. I include myself when I say that WE have all been down the road you are starting so we're just trying to get a complete picture with every possible detail in order to give you the benefit of our experiences.
Do with it what you will. It's just offered with the best intentions.
So it appears you are just north of me in AB.
Hopefully, this post hits the thread while it's still relevant.
Last one didn't make it befor ethe lock.
-CD
I don't think I deserved it but I do think I understand it.
Our kids are everything to my W, just as they are to me. Once she decided she couldn't be happy with me any longer she got her plan together as far as what she felt she needed to do to try to be sure she wouldn't lose the kids.
I don't agree with what she did but for her I know she would do anything to make sure she would always have the kids with her, even if it meant doing something awful to me.
Scorp,
I realize that you feel attacked.
What I hope you try to understand is that people are really trying to understand the entire scope of the situation.
And when we first come here, often we choose not to divulge things based on embarrassment or what not.
There really is no malicious intent on the posters part.
I do hope you continue to post...
Scorp7
I am not trying to attack you and I’m sorry you are taking it that way. As Cat said, I am trying to gain a better understanding of you sitch, you and your W. As many people have said, it seems odd (although not impossible) that your W kidnapped the kids based on what you have written…so I keep probing to see if there is something else that was going on.
So you have admitted…..
I took my W for granted! In the worst ways possible. She is a pleaser and for her to try to do everything to please me and for me to react as though she wasn't enough that would be horrible for her.
Lord know I get this ^^^ many of us did the same thing or were married to people that were similar.
Now…taking her for “granted” could mean a lot of different things…
So to gain a better understanding I have a few more questions…
I was constantly pushing for more, never seemed to really be happy or satisfied with the life we had.
Pushing for more of what? Money, material things, sex, all of the above? What exactly were you pushing for?
I wasn't much fun to be around a lot of the time.
Did you sit and mope, did you watch porn, did you ignore her and the kids – why were you not fun to be around? What did you do that makes you say this?
she did see other women get far too friendly with me when I played shows. I didn't encourage that but I should have done more to discourage it for sure. I always assured her she was the only one for me and that the shows were just a show but it still bothered her I'm sure.
Honestly, did you flirt with the other women to feed your own insecurity? How friendly did these women get? Did she see someone make out with you? Go down on you? I am trying to figure out how bad was it? This may explain what your W may really be feeling. Did she feel used? You mention below that you were more adventurous in your sex life than you W. Did you push her to do things she didn’t want to do? Were you more concerned about you getting off than her? Once again, how bad was it? From where I sit, I could see that sex, flirt, etc. could have played a huge part is how she feels and why she did what she did.
You also mentioned that if her parent found out about your sex life that it would not have gone over well with them. To me, that is a red flag. I am not judging you, hell personally, I can be quite freaky but I am trying to understand if maybe….just maybe…your W felt used sexually. Could that be the case?
I am trying to help you scorp7…
Pushing for more of what? Money, material things, sex, all of the above? What exactly were you pushing for?
All of the above. My insecurity led me to not feeling ok with a lot of things in our life so my response was to fix things, ask for more etc. Not cool, and it's one of the things I'm still carrying around the guilt about. I had everything I could have ever wanted and more but I just didn't know how to be happy.
Did you sit and mope, did you watch porn, did you ignore her and the kids – why were you not fun to be around? What did you do that makes you say this?
At times, again, all of the above. In the last year it got worse where I let myself slip into a pretty deep depression. I isolated myself and my family from everything. We did have lots of good times in 2013 but by then the bad overshadowed the good from my W's perspective.
Honestly, did you flirt with the other women to feed your own insecurity? How friendly did these women get? Did she see someone make out with you? Go down on you? I am trying to figure out how bad was it? This may explain what your W may really be feeling. Did she feel used? You mention below that you were more adventurous in your sex life than you W. Did you push her to do things she didn’t want to do? Were you more concerned about you getting off than her? Once again, how bad was it? From where I sit, I could see that sex, flirt, etc. could have played a huge part is how she feels and why she did what she did.
I never did anything physical with those women but I did sign an occasional body part and let them talk to me longer than they should have. It was rare but it happened. I also kept a friendship with an ex that I was involved with for a long time before my W and I were together and I think that bothered her too.
I also did push her to do things sexually that she wasn't really in to or wasn't comfortable with. She would say she did them to make me feel good or to make me happy which I'm sure she really resented.
You also mentioned that if her parent found out about your sex life that it would not have gone over well with them. To me, that is a red flag. I am not judging you, hell personally, I can be quite freaky but I am trying to understand if maybe….just maybe…your W felt used sexually. Could that be the case?
I made a BIG mistake in asking my W to try a threesome with another woman. That was about 3 years or so ago. We didn't end up going through with it but I have to think that even the suggestion hurt my W. Yet another thing I feel like a giant a** about now.
I fully admit, I was a horrible H way to often in our M. We were together for 4 years before we M and I don't think I was a great boyfriend then either. Too insecure, too controlling. It's the past, I wish I could change it, I can't. I sure can learn from it though and I'd never make the same mistakes again.
We did have lots of good times in 2013 but by then the bad overshadowed the good from my W's perspective.
Is this what your wife told you or are you mindreading?
In her words "there were some good times but there were a hell of a lot of bad times.".
Wonka, it's rare for parents to get full CUSTODY, that is not time with the kids. Mother's often do get the majority of time with the kids but custody is usually shared.
Thanks for the sarcasm, very helpful.
Scorp,
No sarcasm at all. I was asking questions on how things are being handled up in Canada and trying to understand how custody is determined regardless if a parent is unfit or incapable. Most of us don't know how stuff is handled up in Canada so that's why I asked those questions. I was very sincere in trying to understand all of this from the Canadian perspective.
It is obvious that laws differ vastly here in the States and Canada when it comes to custody of the kids.
[b][/b]
Our life was incredibly stressful and I didn't help things with my attitude. I was constantly pushing for more, never seemed to really be happy or satisfied with the life we had. With the many stressful things we were dealing with (quick recap from the past 2 year, my Mom had major health problems that my W and I helped her with, we bought into a business, our son was born, we built a big house on an acreage that was a major project and didn't go well, I worked full time and played in a band, my W worked from home and cared for our kids when I was at work). WAY too much stress. We were both likely clinically depressed and although we talked a LOT, I did most of the talking and I don't think my W felt she could tell me her true feelings. She witnessed me being angry a lot, not towards her or our kids but just in general. I wasn't much fun to be around a lot of the time.
Ok ready? Wwlcome to life...life its a learning proccess, it happened too many things and they were most of them new to you so you didnt knew how to handle them...its fine, it happens to all of us, we are human beings not programmed robots that know how to act in every situation...
Depression its an illness and there is no: I am depressed and I dont want to be depress and thennsuddenly everything its great... You both were sick, whats the problem? All of us had suffered depression just accept it and dont look to be mr perfect...
No, although she did see other women get far too friendly with me when I played shows.
Pretty normal that woman get close to you....here she is not taking care of her jelousy and thats not your problem...she has to take care of that...
I didn't encourage that but I should have done more to discourage it for sure. I always assured her she was the only one for me and that the shows were just a show but it still bothered her I'm sure.
You did reassure her (thats what you just said) what else could you had done? Carry a pepper spray and flash them everytime they get close? Again this is your W issue not yours...
The worst things I did was I once accused her of being lazy (very stupid thing to say and I apologized profusely). I also would be critical of how she did things at times. I thought I was helping or trying to fix things but I definitely didn't go about it in the right way.
Ok, I didnt knew how to repair a car a few years ago...now I know...
Do you really think she divorced you because you called her lazy? Hmmm think about it bro
We had a LOT to be happy about in our lives but I never really learned how to be happy.
There you are, life its a learning proccess, now in this time in your life you can pursuit how to be happier and appreciatte what you have... I dont see again no problem in there....She tried to MAKE me happy by doing anything and everything for me but when she saw I often didn't seem to be appreciative of what she did or what we had she gave up. The last two years were definitely what pushed things over the edge.
Ok perfect you see something you dont like and that its your responsability to change...180 from now on into that
Her parents didn't approve of me either. I was not their ideal SIL. I had long hair, played in bands, I made good money but not in a field they would really respect.
Thats their problem not yours, its based on ignorance, your physical aspect and proffession unless you are hurting others like a contract killer, doesnt change who you are...there are tons of rockstars that fall in love and have kids and treat them perfectly... So thats BS
I was pretty shy and insecure around them so they took that I didn't like them or didn't want them around.
Another 180 to work on...find insecurities and if you dont like to be shy then do something to change that...
Also, when it came to our sex life I was pretty adventurous and my W was the total opposite. If my W told her mother about any of that (it's likely she did) then that would NOT have gone over well at all.
Sex its sex, if she had issues with that or the way you like sex, talking about it and visiting a sex therapist could help...you dont dennie your sex preferences because a person doesnt like them....unless your sex inclinations hurt and threat physically the other person....
Basically your W pretty much had some things to work on but she preffered to blame you for them and you instead of supporting yourself preffer to denied yourself, cancel yourself as a person so you can have a R with your W....
Thats not the way R works... Not in Canada and not here....
She didnt accept you and you didnt accept yourself so basically instead of separating because she didnt like who you are you prefer to change yourself so she can stay....
I dont recommend D but if you are being honest and saying all the true, you guys were simply not compatible to be together...
Thats like if I go to a social club where to be a member I have to drink tequila and I am allergic to tequila....
Well I can force myself to drink tequila and maybe I will die... Or I can just look for another social club dont you think?
If my W calls me tomorrow and tells me, I left you because I like woman... I am not going to change my sex and body so she can be with me...
Your w its a person not a divinity, and if she doesnt like who you are but those things are who you are dont you think its better just to let her go and be woth somebody who likes who you are without insecurities and old behaviours?
Basically your W pretty much had some things to work on but she preffered to blame you for them and you instead of supporting yourself preffer to denied yourself, cancel yourself as a person so you can have a R with your W....
Thats not the way R works... Not in Canada and not here....
She didnt accept you and you didnt accept yourself so basically instead of separating because she didnt like who you are you prefer to change yourself so she can stay....
I dont recommend D but if you are being honest and saying all the true, you guys were simply not compatible to be together...
Thats like if I go to a social club where to be a member I have to drink tequila and I am allergic to tequila....
Well I can force myself to drink tequila and maybe I will die... Or I can just look for another social club dont you think?
If my W calls me tomorrow and tells me, I left you because I like woman... I am not going to change my sex and body so she can be with me...
Nice, ye21
Very nice!
My W's response:
I am not willing to consider moving back to the your area.
Thank you for your reply to my questions. I will need to spend some time thinking on this. I think until we are able to come to an agreement on this, the schedule and terms should remain as they are. Which would bring us to next weekend and it being the kids weekend with you being Friday to Sunday in W's Home Town. If you could let me know for sure that you are coming then the kids can be planning for it.
D6's immunizations went very well today and she will not need any others until she is in Grade 6.
She is stalling. Nothing I've proposed in my last message is new so saying she needs to think about it is nothing more than a stall tactic. Looks like she'll be hearing from my L next week.
Just say thank her, validate her, confirm you'll be there next weekend and leave it at that. Most of all, listen to what she says by saying she will "need to spend some time thinking on this" and don't bring it up again. She wants the house sold, she knows you won't agree to terms until you agree to parenting terms so she will bring the kids up again on her own. Practice being patient.
Our life was incredibly stressful and I didn't help things with my attitude. I was constantly pushing for more, never seemed to really be happy or satisfied with the life we had. With the many stressful things we were dealing with (quick recap from the past 2 year, my Mom had major health problems that my W and I helped her with, we bought into a business, our son was born, we built a big house on an acreage that was a major project and didn't go well, I worked full time and played in a band, my W worked from home and cared for our kids when I was at work). WAY too much stress. We were both likely clinically depressed and although we talked a LOT, I did most of the talking and I don't think my W felt she could tell me her true feelings. She witnessed me being angry a lot, not towards her or our kids but just in general. I wasn't much fun to be around a lot of the time.
Ok ready? Wwlcome to life...life its a learning proccess, it happened too many things and they were most of them new to you so you didnt knew how to handle them...its fine, it happens to all of us, we are human beings not programmed robots that know how to act in every situation...
Depression its an illness and there is no: I am depressed and I dont want to be depress and thennsuddenly everything its great... You both were sick, whats the problem? All of us had suffered depression just accept it and dont look to be mr perfect...
No, although she did see other women get far too friendly with me when I played shows.
Pretty normal that woman get close to you....here she is not taking care of her jelousy and thats not your problem...she has to take care of that...
I didn't encourage that but I should have done more to discourage it for sure. I always assured her she was the only one for me and that the shows were just a show but it still bothered her I'm sure.
You did reassure her (thats what you just said) what else could you had done? Carry a pepper spray and flash them everytime they get close? Again this is your W issue not yours...
The worst things I did was I once accused her of being lazy (very stupid thing to say and I apologized profusely). I also would be critical of how she did things at times. I thought I was helping or trying to fix things but I definitely didn't go about it in the right way.
Ok, I didnt knew how to repair a car a few years ago...now I know...
Do you really think she divorced you because you called her lazy? Hmmm think about it bro
We had a LOT to be happy about in our lives but I never really learned how to be happy.
There you are, life its a learning proccess, now in this time in your life you can pursuit how to be happier and appreciatte what you have... I dont see again no problem in there....She tried to MAKE me happy by doing anything and everything for me but when she saw I often didn't seem to be appreciative of what she did or what we had she gave up. The last two years were definitely what pushed things over the edge.
Ok perfect you see something you dont like and that its your responsability to change...180 from now on into that
Her parents didn't approve of me either. I was not their ideal SIL. I had long hair, played in bands, I made good money but not in a field they would really respect.
Thats their problem not yours, its based on ignorance, your physical aspect and proffession unless you are hurting others like a contract killer, doesnt change who you are...there are tons of rockstars that fall in love and have kids and treat them perfectly... So thats BS
I was pretty shy and insecure around them so they took that I didn't like them or didn't want them around.
Another 180 to work on...find insecurities and if you dont like to be shy then do something to change that...
Also, when it came to our sex life I was pretty adventurous and my W was the total opposite. If my W told her mother about any of that (it's likely she did) then that would NOT have gone over well at all.
Sex its sex, if she had issues with that or the way you like sex, talking about it and visiting a sex therapist could help...you dont dennie your sex preferences because a person doesnt like them....unless your sex inclinations hurt and threat physically the other person....
Hi Scorp-
Don't bail on this place. Trust me when I say that there are VERY few here that don't have their hearts in the right place. I include myself when I say that WE have all been down the road you are starting so we're just trying to get a complete picture with every possible detail in order to give you the benefit of our experiences.
Do with it what you will. It's just offered with the best intentions.
So it appears you are just north of me in AB.
Hopefully, this post hits the thread while it's still relevant.
Last one didn't make it before the lock.
-CD
bump ^^^^
Mods, can you PLEASE re-access AK's status ???
Thanks once again to all of you. I kinda feel like I've taken a step backwards, this last week or two has been rough. Maybe it's losing hope in any sort of R ever being possible that's set me back. Being away from my kids as much as I have is brutal.
I do appreciate all of the help here, it's been amazing.
[b][/b]
Our life was incredibly stressful and I didn't help things with my attitude. I was constantly pushing for more, never seemed to really be happy or satisfied with the life we had. With the many stressful things we were dealing with (quick recap from the past 2 year, my Mom had major health problems that my W and I helped her with, we bought into a business, our son was born, we built a big house on an acreage that was a major project and didn't go well, I worked full time and played in a band, my W worked from home and cared for our kids when I was at work). WAY too much stress. We were both likely clinically depressed and although we talked a LOT, I did most of the talking and I don't think my W felt she could tell me her true feelings. She witnessed me being angry a lot, not towards her or our kids but just in general. I wasn't much fun to be around a lot of the time.
Ok ready? Wwlcome to life...life its a learning proccess, it happened too many things and they were most of them new to you so you didnt knew how to handle them...its fine, it happens to all of us, we are human beings not programmed robots that know how to act in every situation...
Depression its an illness and there is no: I am depressed and I dont want to be depress and thennsuddenly everything its great... You both were sick, whats the problem? All of us had suffered depression just accept it and dont look to be mr perfect...
No, although she did see other women get far too friendly with me when I played shows.
Pretty normal that woman get close to you....here she is not taking care of her jelousy and thats not your problem...she has to take care of that...
I didn't encourage that but I should have done more to discourage it for sure. I always assured her she was the only one for me and that the shows were just a show but it still bothered her I'm sure.
You did reassure her (thats what you just said) what else could you had done? Carry a pepper spray and flash them everytime they get close? Again this is your W issue not yours...
The worst things I did was I once accused her of being lazy (very stupid thing to say and I apologized profusely). I also would be critical of how she did things at times. I thought I was helping or trying to fix things but I definitely didn't go about it in the right way.
Ok, I didnt knew how to repair a car a few years ago...now I know...
Do you really think she divorced you because you called her lazy? Hmmm think about it bro
We had a LOT to be happy about in our lives but I never really learned how to be happy.
There you are, life its a learning proccess, now in this time in your life you can pursuit how to be happier and appreciatte what you have... I dont see again no problem in there....She tried to MAKE me happy by doing anything and everything for me but when she saw I often didn't seem to be appreciative of what she did or what we had she gave up. The last two years were definitely what pushed things over the edge.
Ok perfect you see something you dont like and that its your responsability to change...180 from now on into that
Her parents didn't approve of me either. I was not their ideal SIL. I had long hair, played in bands, I made good money but not in a field they would really respect.
Thats their problem not yours, its based on ignorance, your physical aspect and proffession unless you are hurting others like a contract killer, doesnt change who you are...there are tons of rockstars that fall in love and have kids and treat them perfectly... So thats BS
I was pretty shy and insecure around them so they took that I didn't like them or didn't want them around.
Another 180 to work on...find insecurities and if you dont like to be shy then do something to change that...
Also, when it came to our sex life I was pretty adventurous and my W was the total opposite. If my W told her mother about any of that (it's likely she did) then that would NOT have gone over well at all.
Sex its sex, if she had issues with that or the way you like sex, talking about it and visiting a sex therapist could help...you dont dennie your sex preferences because a person doesnt like them....unless your sex inclinations hurt and threat physically the other person....
Basically your W pretty much had some things to work on but she preffered to blame you for them and you instead of supporting yourself preffer to denied yourself, cancel yourself as a person so you can have a R with your W....
Thats not the way R works... Not in Canada and not here....
She didnt accept you and you didnt accept yourself so basically instead of separating because she didnt like who you are you prefer to change yourself so she can stay....
I dont recommend D but if you are being honest and saying all the true, you guys were simply not compatible to be together...
Thats like if I go to a social club where to be a member I have to drink tequila and I am allergic to tequila....
Well I can force myself to drink tequila and maybe I will die... Or I can just look for another social club dont you think?
If my W calls me tomorrow and tells me, I left you because I like woman... I am not going to change my sex and body so she can be with me...
Thanks ye21, you make a LOT of great points.
Just say thank her, validate her, confirm you'll be there next weekend and leave it at that. Most of all, listen to what she says by saying she will "need to spend some time thinking on this" and don't bring it up again. She wants the house sold, she knows you won't agree to terms until you agree to parenting terms so she will bring the kids up again on her own. Practice being patient.
Barry, I agree. The problem with being patient is that the longer I do nothing legally with my kids the more it hurts my chances of 50/50. At this point I don't think I can be more patient with her, I've got to get the L involved. I wish I didn't have to but it is what it is at this point.
My W's response:
I am not willing to consider moving back to the your area.
Thank you for your reply to my questions. I will need to spend some time thinking on this. I think until we are able to come to an agreement on this, the schedule and terms should remain as they are. Which would bring us to next weekend and it being the kids weekend with you being Friday to Sunday in W's Home Town. If you could let me know for sure that you are coming then the kids can be planning for it.
D6's immunizations went very well today and she will not need any others until she is in Grade 6.
She is stalling. Nothing I've proposed in my last message is new so saying she needs to think about it is nothing more than a stall tactic. Looks like she'll be hearing from my L next week.
I should respond to this, any ideas on what I should say?
You can say something like:
I accept your decission.
I agree with you in continue with the same conditions as for now.
I underestand you need to take time to think about it, if there is anyway I can help you on this, please let me know.
Thank you for keep me updated on the d6 vaccine, its amazing how fast she is growing and I wish it didnt hurt her a lot to get the inmunizations.
Have a great weekend.
Scorp,
I would simply reply whether you are going to get the kids or not and thank her for letting you know about D.
I have to say that I disagree with Ye's assessment about sex being simply sex.
Reality of life, we all have different preferences. You are not going to meet someone who enjoys the same exact things that you do. Similar, yes. Same, no. However part of every relationship is communication and compromise. So it is possible that you forego some of the things that you like or she partakes in some things she might not like too much for the sake of the relationship.
So unless you selfishly coerced her into doing things that she was adamantly opposed to, I would try to let that guilt go.
As for the threesome thing...again I would let go of the guilt. You asked, she answered, and obviously nothing came of it.
Not knowing how it was approached or the dynamics of your relationship...I can see how that was possible that her feelings were hurt and that IS something that she should have dealt with within herself and by talking to you.
I would recommend examining your motives in asking for sexual things that she might not have liked. I would examine if they are things that you will need in the future, for the future.
One of two things will happen, you will reconcile and have to deal with the issue, or you will meet someone else and have to deal with the issue.
I see so much trying to make each other happy that neither of you was really happy in your posts...which leads me to the thought that communication was not the best.
Learning to be a better listener and a better communicator will benefit you in the long run.
All of the things I was doing, whether it was sexually, music, work, etc, all were greatly effected by my insecurity. I needed to work on myself and look inward to find happiness rather than all of these external things I was looking for. Now that I know that I've made a ton of progress so I don't see myself making the same mistakes again in the future.
The communication with my W wasn't very good. We talked a lot, or I should say I talked a lot, but we weren't really honest with each other. I also need to learn to be a much better listener for sure. No matter what happens with our M I hope we can learn to communicate with each other honestly in the future.
With the response to my W, I'm going to say something like:
"Thanks for your reply. Unless you hear otherwise from me, I will always come to pickup the kids when it's my time to have them with me.
I'm glad to hear that D6's immunizations went well.
Have a good weekend."
Just say thank her, validate her, confirm you'll be there next weekend and leave it at that. Most of all, listen to what she says by saying she will "need to spend some time thinking on this" and don't bring it up again. She wants the house sold, she knows you won't agree to terms until you agree to parenting terms so she will bring the kids up again on her own. Practice being patient.
Barry, I agree. The problem with being patient is that the longer I do nothing legally with my kids the more it hurts my chances of 50/50. At this point I don't think I can be more patient with her, I've got to get the L involved. I wish I didn't have to but it is what it is at this point.
Scorp, one or two more weeks is not going to change your legal situation but could make the world of difference with your wife because you listened. You have the lawyers in your back pocket.
With the response to my W, I'm going to say something like:
"Thanks for your reply. Unless you hear otherwise from me, I will always come to pickup the kids when it's my time to have them with me. I will be there to pick up the kids on Friday.
I'm glad to hear that D6's immunizations went well.
Have a good weekend."
All of the things I was doing, whether it was sexually, music, work, etc, all were greatly effected by my insecurity. I needed to work on myself and look inward to find happiness rather than all of these external things I was looking for. Now that I know that I've made a ton of progress so I don't see myself making the same mistakes again in the future.
Scorp...right now you are at the beginning.
It is really easy to slip back into old patterns, even after the "changes" actually become natural for you (which they haven't yet).
The communication with my W wasn't very good. We talked a lot, or I should say I talked a lot, but we weren't really honest with each other. I also need to learn to be a much better listener for sure.
That is evidenced by this...
Uh, yeah, I guess it did. Not sure what the deal is here. If the idea is that I'm not telling everything then I guess I'm done here. Pretty sad that I seek help and then be accused of lying or withholding info. Good stuff. Very thankful for those that have helped out, it was very much appreciated.
You wrote that yesterday.
You were angry and defensive and ready to walk away from the process. As well as a little sarcastic.
Neither your listening or your communication was very good here and I believe that is a good example of how you were in the past.
So keep working at it. Keep changing. Listen to the people here instead of trying to argue and explain yourself so much...
Look at the things that are said to you as if they are being said to someone else and see if your desire to explain or argue diminishes.
Sometimes we have to step back from the situation in order to see it more clearly.
Hey Drew...excellent correction
Barry, I'd like to think that. My fear (there's that word again) is making me feel like I've already waited this long and that waiting any longer will hurt my chances further with my kids. On the flip side, I have fear that getting the L to serve my W with papers will derail any positive gains that have been made with her willingness to share time with the kids. I'm still leaning toward having the L do her thing.
Drew, good edit to my message. I'm not sure why my W continues to ask if I'm coming to see my kids or not, or course I'll always be there, so I felt the need to clarify that. Leaving out that line is probably best though.
Cat, you're right. I do feel like I've slipped back the last few weeks. I think my changes had been centered around R with my W and not just for myself. I don't know if there is any hope for a R with my W or not (it seems hard to believe there is a chance right now) but I need to continue with my changes for myself and my kids and leave my W out of it.
It's hit me very hard just how totally my life was about my W and kids since this whole thing started. I'm trying to get back out into the world and have a life of my own again. It's been hard to do, I'm realizing I didn't have much of a life at all outside my family, other than my music. Since I've given up the band I'm feeling very alone these days. I've always hated being alone and living in our family home is pretty painful a lot of the time.
Scorp, I understand your fear. It's natural. Life isn't panning out how you'd like and you want to rush in and fix things. This is why you're here though. You've been controlling, you've not listened, you've not made your wife's needs and wants a high enough priority. I'm in the same boat so I'd like to think I can at least help you with this part. You have chosen this path but you can't rush it. As said in DB, you need to give a course of action a reasonable amount of time to work and this is no different. It will be painful, you will have urges to hurry your wife up but you must not give in. Stay strong, be patient. As I said in my earlier post, you have told your wife you won't agree to terms on anything until you have a satisfactory parenting plan in place. She's heard you, Scorp. She knows your terms. She will bring it up again but you cannot rush her. She can't get her hands on that money until she works with you. This is the action you've chosen so see it through. Be strong.
In the meantime, keep in touch with your kids, be nice and charming to your wife, let your wife see your kids enjoy spending time with you, even without her, and do not bring up the parenting plan.
Also, Drew's message is spot on. Short, simple, to the point, no BS.
If you feel you've slipped back it might be a good time to crack out DB again to refresh your memory on a few things.
No need to add the "will always" part. A simple. Yes I will pick them up is enough.
Scorp,
I like Drew's suggestion which is in keeping with STFU and KISS principles.
My fear (there's that word again) is making me feel like I've already waited this long and that waiting any longer will hurt my chances further with my kids. On the flip side, I have fear that getting the L to serve my W with papers will derail any positive gains that have been made with her willingness to share time with the kids. I'm still leaning toward having the L do her thing.
Divorce and custody are two SEPARATE things. Yes, your W may react angrily to the D paperwork but cannot bar you from having 50/50 custody with your children. Yep, lawyers can do a good service to us for they have our best interests when dealing with the separated spouse. Especially when one just ups and leaves with the kids 4 hours away without any notice and/or explanation.
I'm not sure why my W continues to ask if I'm coming to see my kids or not, or course I'll always be there
This makes sense as it involves logistics and the 4-hour drive. She wanted a confirmation that you'll be there to pick up so she can organize things from her end.
It's hit me very hard just how totally my life was about my W and kids since this whole thing started.
Completely understandable. That ^^^ feeling will come in waves. Allow those feelings to come and go. With time, it'll get better...trust us here. We all have been where you currently are at the moment. This is why we all stress the importance of GALing and get yourself out of the house.
You can always decide to go back to the band. It is still there, right?
Be gentle with yourself as you go through this process. This is tough stuff!!
Thanks all! I'm picking myself back up again. Can't let myself get too down. I'm headed out with a few buddies this weekend, maybe checking out my old band mates new band too so that should be cool.
I need to keep going with the positive changes I've made and try not to slip again.
You can always decide to go back to the band. It is still there, right?
I could get it going again even if it was only for a handful of shows.
In the meantime, keep in touch with your kids, be nice and charming to your wife, let your wife see your kids enjoy spending time with you, even without her, and do not bring up the parenting plan
I talk to my kids on the phone every night so that's been good. Being charming with my wife is a bit tough since the only real contact we have is email. Actually she accidently answered the phone tonight when I called the kids, that was the first time in nearly six months that I've heard her voice on the phone (pretty sad I was actually half excited about that). The kids and I have a great time when we're together, they know I love them with all my heart.
Hi Scorp
Quiet week on the thread. How about talk of the wknd w the kids; lawyer feedback; what's going on in your head; and how you are getting your life back (Yes, that means stuff for you! The stuff that makes you YOU. PLay the guitar this week?