Previous thread:
"When To Give Up?" Thought I'd do a new thread as the title of my other is very negative - I hadn't realised at the time that I needed to "let go" of my H and marriage in order to move forwards and not just give up completely.
Since "letting go" of him and our marriage & telling him I've set him free I've seen such a difference it's been amazing! He wants to talk, he wants to connect, he slowly seems to be questioning his decision to walk away and has begun moving forwards emotionally himself which has meant he's feeling the pain of his decisions and then challenging them too. His attitude towards me has taken a huge shift too - this morning we did something as a family (his suggestion) and he's said several times that he "really enjoyed it" and he feels "free" and "less pressure" which confirms that my DB'ing is having a positive effect!
Just wanted to share, will continue to update
Love the new thread title, and the update! DBing really does work!
Just be sure that you continue to remain patient. Most of us get excited when we see progress and then are disappointed when it's not followed up immediately with more progress. When you see progress, that means you are doing great with DBing and need to keep it up.
Hope your sitch keeps getting better!
Love the new thread title, and the update! DBing really does work!
Just be sure that you continue to remain patient. Most of us get excited when we see progress and then are disappointed when it's not followed up immediately with more progress. When you see progress, that means you are doing great with DBing and need to keep it up.
Hope your sitch keeps getting better!
Thank you Melissa.
Yeh in the past when I've seen positive steps (not as positive as recently!) I've then pushed H & asked if his feeling were changing etc & pushed him away again and ended up back at the start... Lesson learnt!! I know I just need to take his lead really & listen instead of asking questions.
Good day, need to work on my patience as I'm terrible for wanting results NOW! Haha.
Sounds like things are going well Upwards
Just try to keep in mind that he is on a long journey and there will be good days and bad days. It's not a linear path. Celebrate the good days and try not to let the bad days move you off your DB'ing path. Don't have any expectations, just take it a day at a time!
Thanks AnotherStander - Yes defo moving in a more preferable direction, need to make sure I don't get impatient & backslide.
We have a "talk" arranged tonight to discuss some financial things & other practicals plus to see how we move forward from here - it was originally to sign D papers as I thought that's what I wanted but I've decided to delay unless it's what he wants... Eeeek nervous!
Urgent question pls...
Tonight when I talk to H, we are both going to talk about how we ended up here and our options for the future - do I tell him I would want him to cut contact with OW (they had EA then one night stand) or leave this until later on if he's ready to work on marriage?
My gut is telling me not to mention her as I don't want to push him away
but I'm unsure?
Upwards he is the one who has to choose that, he is the one who has to choose to stop contacting her.... You cant choose or force him to choose that, you go talk to him and just listen to what he says, and you stfu lol that sounds so rude but well its what is recomended, he has to realize why he got to this point, you have been working in realizing why you got to this point, you cleaned your side of the street and he is the one who has to clean his side of the street, you dont need to finalize an agreement tonight.... It took time to reach this point so it will take time to get fixed... Its not like he comes and say hey honey everything its fine lets get back together....
Its much more of listening of his beliefs and see where he comes from....
I am meeting my W today at 3pm and she is in a super rage against me, this is what I see:
When we were together she would not communicate ever with me what was going on, ahe would just explode in rages.... I wish she would listen to me but her part of the job its to realize that if she is angry I am not able to talk to her so if she doesnt want to communicate in a civil way by me telling her calm down and listen I am just feeding her anger...my 180 its to go to take care of the business we are gonna take care off and let her feel however she wants to feel...
Read this and see what I am saying:
Empowering
You can think. You can feel. You can solve your problems. You can take care of yourself.
Those words have often benefited me more than the most profound and elaborate advice.
How easy it is to fall into the trap of doubting others and ourselves.
When someone tells us about a problem, what is our reaction? Do we believe we need to solve it for the person? Do we believe that that person's future rests on our ability to advise him or her? That's standing on shaky ground - not the stuff of which recovery is made.
When someone is struggling through a feeling, or a morass of feelings, what is our reaction? That the person will never survive that experience? That it's not okay for someone to feel? That he or she will never get through this intact?
When a person is faced with the task of assuming responsibility for their life and behaviors, what is our response? That the person can't do that? I must do it myself to save him or her from dissipating into ashes? From crumbling? From failing?
What is our reaction to ourselves when we encounter a problem, a feeling, or when we face the prospect of assuming responsibility for ourselves?
Do we believe in others and ourselves? Do we give power to people - including ourselves - and their abilities? Or do we give the power to the problem, the feeling, or the irresponsibility?
We can learn to check ourselves out. We can learn to think, and consider our response, before we respond. "I'm sorry you're having that problem. I know you can figure out a solution. Sounds like you've got some feelings going on. I know you'll work through them and come out on the other side."
Each of us is responsible for ourselves. That does not mean we don't care. It does not mean a cold, calculated withdrawal of our support from others. It means we learn to love and support people in ways that work. It means we learn to love and support ourselves in ways that work. It means that we connect with friends who love and support us in ways that work.
To believe in people, to believe in each persons inherent ability to think, feel, solve problems, and take care of themselves is a great gift we can give and receive from others.
Today, I will strive to give and receive support that is pure and empowering. I will work at believing in myself and others - and our mutual abilities to be competent at dealing with feelings, solving problems, and taking responsibility for ourselves.
Thanks ye21 for the advice
Update on this evening....
It went as well as it could have really, we talked a lot about how we ended up here and both took responsibility for our own part in things. We talked through our many options and both decided that D isnt the option right now as neither of us think its what we want. I did lots of listening and allowing H to express how he felt and why, when I didn't agree I voiced that but ensured he knew I respected his feelings/decisions.
He said he wants to feel that love for me again but its not there at the moment however his resentments towards me have near enough gone and his respect for me is growing all the time(this definitely shows in his attitude and behavior towards me), he said he likes "who i'm becoming" which shows that DB is defo getting his attention!! We both agreed that we need to work on ourselves and resolve our own issues before we even consider working on our relationship.
He said to want to try at our relationship he'd have to feel love for me, I challenged that and said that it was very unlikely to happen that way unless we had some positive experiences together and it was given the opportunity, he thought for a while then asked could be try and be friends and see what happened... I said that I'd like to do that although I am unwilling to do that whilst he's still in contact with this other girl and that is a firm boundary that i'm unwilling to move on.
I made clear that I plan to continue moving myself forward and finding myself again and that I was going to build a life for me and the kids, I said that although I wanted to work on building a new relationship with him I wasnt going to hang around waiting and that its up to him what he chooses to do with his life.
He can only talk for so long then it all gets too much which happened before we'd finished really. As he left he hugged me and kissed my neck then looked into my eyes and said that he truly wants me to be happy, he said he's going to think about what we've talked about and so should I then we can come back together so we can discuss where to go from here. He said that he's got some decisions to make and that he needs to be strong and do "what he knows is right" which I think related to OW but I'm not sure.
I *think* it went well, he was certainly very open/honest and seems to be moving forwards emotionally now where as before he was at a complete stand still.
What do you guys think? I'm proud of my DB'ing in the past few weeks it really seems to be paying off for ME and slowly in my relationship with H.
Sounds like it was a productive discussion. I hope your H decides that working towards the marriage is what is "right". Keep being an awesome mom as well as good to your self, as you know, it will pay off no matter what.
Sounds like a productive talk to me. I have the same talk lined up for Thursday and I have it goes in the same direction as yours did. Reading your update gives me hope for your situation as well as mine.
Keep DBing and working on yourself and your family.
Mimi00 - thanks I intend to do just that
having my nails done today & going to spend some time thinking about where I want MY life to go.
gogofo - thank you, I hope your talk is productive but don't give up if it's not as we've had many unproductive ones and it's just because H wasn't ready or in the right place, frustrating that's it's all about them though but unfortunately it is.
I'm nervous today after thinking about everything, when he left I felt positive but now I've had chance to panic & anxiety is creeping in. Not spoken to him since so no idea how he felt it went either but he did say he needed to think about everything so I don't want to pressure him at all.
I'm nervous today after thinking about everything, when he left I felt positive but now I've had chance to panic & anxiety is creeping in. Not spoken to him since so no idea how he felt it went either but he did say he needed to think about everything so I don't want to pressure him at all.
No decision, by him or you, is the end all, so try not to think of it that way. These things tend to ebb and flow so don't let your emotions get tied up in the success or failure of the day (or the what ifs).
Sounds like your conversations are improving....keep the changes going, keep validating and really listening.
No decision, by him or you, is the end all, so try not to think of it that way. These things tend to ebb and flow so don't let your emotions get tied up in the success or failure of the day (or the what ifs).
Sounds like your conversations are improving....keep the changes going, keep validating and really listening.
I know, I need to take a step back and look at the progress instead of panicking. I'm worried he'll choose to remain in contact with her and in turn mean we cant be friends, that would hurt a lot but I know there's no point in us "being friends and seeing what happens" whilst he's doing the same with her!
He called earlier regarding work. I said thanks for talking last night and he said "thank you too, its given me a lot more clarity on the situation" so I'm not sure what that means....? We both agreed that we need to talk more again soon so will leave him a few days before I bring it up again, also give us both more chance to go over what we discussed.
Its been really difficult but I'm beginning to find listening much easier and validating his feelings/emotions is coming more natural too - the more I listen, the more my respect for him grows because I understand the process he's going through.
Very anxious today, struggling... he's always been my rock and the one to support me when i'm struggling, its so hard not to reach out to him
Been trying to keep busy and distract myself but it doesnt help, any tips on how to NOT reach out to them?
Very anxious today, struggling... he's always been my rock and the one to support me when i'm struggling, its so hard not to reach out to him
Been trying to keep busy and distract myself but it doesnt help, any tips on how to NOT reach out to them?
Probably the best deterrent is to think about how he would respond to it. He's not going to respect you for it, won't find it attractive, and therefore, it won't bring him closer to you.
Once you get your hands around that, then GAL....go do something for you, learn something new, visit an old friend, exercise, take a walk, etc.
Probably the best deterrent is to think about how he would respond to it. He's not going to respect you for it, won't find it attractive, and therefore, it won't bring him closer to you.
Once you get your hands around that, then GAL....go do something for you, learn something new, visit an old friend, exercise, take a walk, etc.
Yeh that's what it's been thinking, that's what's deterred me so far. It's difficult as far as GAL in the evenings because I'm stuck at home as the kids are in bed but I'm GAL as much as poss when I can, just trying to keep myself busy & distracted at the moment.
Today my mantra is "I am strong" and I'm going to use it whenever I start to think negative thoughts... To GAL today I'm going to pamper myself, catch up on some paperwork (yawn!) and look into a photography course id like to do.
he thought for a while then asked could be try and be friends and see what happened... I said that I'd like to do that although I am unwilling to do that whilst he's still in contact with this other girl and that is a firm boundary that i'm unwilling to move on.
I'm unsure on how to handle this... I know a lot of DB'ers are happy to continue being "friends" with their spouse whilst there is still OW/OM on the scene but this is something I just cant do. I'm quote possibly handling this all wrong - I've been a mug and let him walk all over me for a long time so this kind of feels like a 180 for me as i'm laying down my boundaries and sticking with them.
This was obviously something that we discussed when we talked and he agreed it wouldn't be fair to expect me to do that and said he had some decisions to make... I mentioned today that we needed to get logistics in place for NC/LC and he asked why, I replied "you know why" and left it at that then text him when i'd left saying:
"H, I want you to know that if you choose not to cut contact with her and want to move forwards with her then I understand and I will leave you to your life, I care about you a lot & truly want you to be happy and if that's without me then I respect that x"What do I do from here?!! I have no idea if i'm doing the right thing or not to be honest - any help very much appreciated!
Upwards, to your question in my thread about confronting W about A- I knew from shortly after BD that there was an EA with OM, even though W denied that it was anything but a friendship. Over the past several mos, I discovered that he had strong feelings towards her, but I did not bring it up as I had not seen anything saying that her feelings were mutual. It wasn't until 2 weekends ago, when I came across several things that told me she had strong feelings for him and that some type of R was there, that I finally confronted W.
After revealing what all I had seen, I told W that she had to choose because I wasn't going to wait around or be the 3rd wheel. Looking back at it, I didn't give her any kind of deadline or no contact 'rules' though. This past weekend I also asked about the seriousness of the R and reiterated that I wasn't going to be involved in a triangle.
While I feel that confronting W has worked for me in that I feel like I've finally forced her to take action, I can't say I recommend it to everyone. Others on here say it's only pushed their S further away. I just decided that I couldn't take it anymore and needed to say something.
I'm in a similar situation as you in that I feel like W is now wanting to be friends and see how things go, but I don't want to do that if she's going to continue contact with OM. Per Sandi2's advice, I think I'm going to see how the next week goes before issuing a no contact ultimatum.
I think there are two questions here....1) what boundaries should I implement and 2) what should I do for best odds of saving my M.
Regarding boundaries, I think it's largely dependent on what you can live with. Boundaries and meant to protect you, so you draw them at where pain starts, or where you refuse to take more. It's not about punishing your spouse....it's about protecting you.
With regards to how to approach the issue of OW, it's tough. I dealt with this myself for a long time, and am really only starting to truly get it. I think Denver posted this in one of my threads or a year or two ago:
Plan A - Get along with cheating spouse, show them legit changes, don't rock the boat, be kind and loving, be the person that the cheating spouse fell in love with... essentially be the rock... the lighthouse home.
Plan B - Take all of that away from the cheating spouse. No contact except for "bills and boys" as J3B coined it.
I did Plan A first...for a long time....until I felt like I had become the man only a fool would leave. Only at that point did I decide to go to Plan B. And honestly, I've waivered on Plan B (which is in essence a boundary) many times....each time only to be disappointed and hurt.
Tarheel - it was a very similar situation for me and I knew about EA straight from BD but H was adamant that they were "just good friends" which I believed but knew it would move onto more than that, I was correct and they've slept together since once and remain in contact via phone/text every day - he says that there is no relationship and its not serious bla bla.
After our talk on monday and him asking can we be friends and see what happens I told him straight that I wasnt willing to do that whilst she's still around, I just cant, it would be torture for me knowing that he's texting her all the time whilst also spending time with me.
I text him today with what I wrote above and have spoke to him since but he's not mentioned it, I don't know whether to wait a few days then ask for his decision or just assume that because he's not given an answer it means he's chosen to stay in contact with her? I don't want to put on too much pressure but at the same time I refuse to be in a triangle!!
To put full NC in place there are logistics to sort out so I cant just do it without arranging things with him first if that makes sense.
HELP!
I did Plan A first...for a long time....until I felt like I had become the man only a fool would leave. Only at that point did I decide to go to Plan B. And honestly, I've waivered on Plan B (which is in essence a boundary) many times....each time only to be disappointed and hurt.
I just cant stay in contact with him in that way whilst he's got her on the side, its something that I'm just not willing to do and don't believe I should have to do it. We've tried being friends up until now but knowing he's seeing OW too is just going to make me ill so I need to draw a line.
I had hoped to not pressure him but I don't think I can do it anymore, I have to protect myself now. Its gunna be soooo hard to do as we have the kids & a joint business together but I know its needs doing.
I want my marriage to surivive more than anything but I also need to protect myself so I can be in good shape for the kids, i'm no good to them as an emotional wreck!
I'm right there with you. Knowing my W (well, at least what I thought I knew of her)- I can't see her 'sacrificing' what she considers just a friendship and running back to me with open arms at the drop of the hat. Maybe that's why I've been hesitant in issuing a very firm ultimatum.
I'm hardly the right person to be giving advice, but my guess is that your H is not addressing your text yet because he assumes this is just a threat and that you won't hold to it. Or maybe he's in the process of deciding what he wants. We have to keep in mind that these A's are close friendships/relationships with someone they have come to care about and as much as we'd like them to drop them overnight, I can only image it's much more difficult that than. I've seen other posts call it an addiction.
I've not been able to take that next step of requesting no OM contact yet because I don't know if she's 'there' yet (although I hope I'm getting closer). It's a difficult balance of 'Do I force the decision?' or 'Do I not pressure?' Each situation is different and could receive a different response. I think you've done the right thing though, and should stick tight to your boundary.
I would not address your text with your H. You have already stated the boundary more than once. If you were truly setting a boundary (which is set to protect you) then you really don't need a direct answer from your H confirming that he did not cut ties with OW. A boundary is different than an ultimatum (which is not recommended by DBing).
Unless your H comes to you and says "OW is gone" then you decide how you want to proceed in the meantime and just start doing it. If you don't want to be friends with him, then limit your contact to business/kids. If you bring it up, you are just applying more pressure. If your H decides to break ties with OW, he will let you know.
It is going to be impossible to go NC due to the business and kids. You are going to need to talk to your H on a regular basis. There is just no way around it. Ask yourself, what is the best way to communication for YOU?
If I need to talk with my H, I usually send an email. You can include all the information that you want to include. It allows you to focus on the subject at hand and ignore other communication that enters the "friend zone". I sometimes text my H regarding the kids (pics, important info), although I text less often than I email. My H and the OW used to (probably still do) spend all day/night sending texts to each other. Right after BD, I saw his phone records and realized that he was alternating between texting me and the OW. For a while, I avoided texts all together. I made a decision right after BD to never call my H. My H tends to call me a lot. While I will return a missed call, I never pick up the phone to call him.
Just decide what you are comfortable with. Accept that no matter what happens with your M, your H will have to be in your life to some degree. Determine how you would like to handle the communication and just starting doing it. No need to have any further decision with your H.
I did deliver an ultimatum, I've decided to cut contact as much as possible. Whilst its not really recommended its what I think is right for my situation and feel that in the long run it will be best for everyone involved as it gives me the space to get myself into a better place and it gives him the space to figure out what he wants.
I've been trying to be his friends and keep things light and happy but I need to put my foot down on this & need to make sure he knows that I'm not willing to be part of the triangle that he wants me to be part of, its only going to cause me more hurt and pain in the longrun. He's walking all over me and i've let him do this for far far too long, for me this is a BIG 180 and think it will shock him to be honest that i'm going to stick to it.
I'm going to write an email with some info in & arrangements to ensure that no/minimal contact is needed after we've sorted everything out. He can use email to contact and text if urgent, i'm going to block his calls for now so i'm not tempted to answer. His mum has already agreed a while ago to drop off the kids after he's had them (he picks them up from school) so I don't need to see him then.
The business stuff is going to be more complicated but i'm hoping to not have to see him for at least a few of weeks until I'm detached enough to just go in & work without letting him affect me.
He said tonight that we have already been "no contact" already which is absolutely not true as we've been in contact several times a day for the past few weeks - I believe that he'll have a shock when I put these things in place as I've been his "safety blanket" for the past 12 years!
This is going to be the hardest thing i've EVER done and i'm really going to need some support from you guys.
Upwards - I actually think that you are setting a healthy boundary, which is recommended by DB. You informed your H that as long as he is in a relationship with the OW, YOU do not want a relationship with him. It is similar to an ultimatum, but it really is about how YOU are going to act as opposed to pressuring him to make a decision/take some action (which is why I recommended that you not contact him or ask him to make a decision). You are going to live your life and leave your H to make a decision as to what he wants/does not want with H. It is hard because we would all love our WAS to say "I am leaving OW to be friends with you." But it will help you start living your new life.
Your H probably will not like the boundary. He will probably try and push back. You will need to remain strong (it is so hard, I have been horrible at enforcing the boundary as time goes on). But there are lots of people here to give you get advice and help you walk your path.
Correction:
"leave your H to make a decision as to what he wants/does not want with OW."
Upwards - I actually think that you are setting a healthy boundary, which is recommended by DB. You informed your H that as long as he is in a relationship with the OW, YOU do not want a relationship with him. It is similar to an ultimatum, but it really is about how YOU are going to act as opposed to pressuring him to make a decision/take some action (which is why I recommended that you not contact him or ask him to make a decision). You are going to live your life and leave your H to make a decision as to what he wants/does not want with H. It is hard because we would all love our WAS to say "I am leaving OW to be friends with you." But it will help you start living your new life.
Your H probably will not like the boundary. He will probably try and push back. You will need to remain strong (it is so hard, I have been horrible at enforcing the boundary as time goes on). But there are lots of people here to give you get advice and help you walk your path.
His horrified expression when I said about cutting contact today said it all, I suspect he'll find it difficult but its TOUGH because its what I want right now. He's said several times today "I really dont want to cut contact, I want you in my life" yeh course you do, on your terms only!!
I've emailed him with logistics of things and how I want things to work from now on, I explained that I'm doing this for ME because its whats best for me at the moment. I've been quite business like about it all & matter of fact. We are going to need to sit down and put things in place regarding the business, i'm due in work (with him) on Friday so we can hopefully have a chat about how things can work then.
This has been a step i've been scared of making for weeks, I'm not really sure why i'm so scared though?! I tried to do it (half heartedly) a couple of weeks ago but ended up caving in when I was lonely and answered his calls, I need to try and put some things in place to stop me reaching out to him.
Am I best just leaving him completely to it & ignoring his contact unless its important?
Am I best just leaving him completely to it & ignoring his contact unless its important?
One day at a time my dear... Take care of no contact today and we will go moving on and acting acordingly...when we are scared we want to figure everything out so we dont get scared anymore...
You are taking care of yourself, you are cleaning your side of the street... Now let him take care of his side of the street and I am reposting this:
Empowering
You can think. You can feel. You can solve your problems. You can take care of yourself.
Those words have often benefited me more than the most profound and elaborate advice.
How easy it is to fall into the trap of doubting others and ourselves.
When someone tells us about a problem, what is our reaction? Do we believe we need to solve it for the person? Do we believe that that person's future rests on our ability to advise him or her? That's standing on shaky ground - not the stuff of which recovery is made.
When someone is struggling through a feeling, or a morass of feelings, what is our reaction? That the person will never survive that experience? That it's not okay for someone to feel? That he or she will never get through this intact?
When a person is faced with the task of assuming responsibility for their life and behaviors, what is our response? That the person can't do that? I must do it myself to save him or her from dissipating into ashes? From crumbling? From failing?
What is our reaction to ourselves when we encounter a problem, a feeling, or when we face the prospect of assuming responsibility for ourselves?
Do we believe in others and ourselves? Do we give power to people - including ourselves - and their abilities? Or do we give the power to the problem, the feeling, or the irresponsibility?
We can learn to check ourselves out. We can learn to think, and consider our response, before we respond. "I'm sorry you're having that problem. I know you can figure out a solution. Sounds like you've got some feelings going on. I know you'll work through them and come out on the other side."
Each of us is responsible for ourselves. That does not mean we don't care. It does not mean a cold, calculated withdrawal of our support from others. It means we learn to love and support people in ways that work. It means we learn to love and support ourselves in ways that work. It means that we connect with friends who love and support us in ways that work.
To believe in people, to believe in each persons inherent ability to think, feel, solve problems, and take care of themselves is a great gift we can give and receive from others.
Today, I will strive to give and receive support that is pure and empowering. I will work at believing in myself and others - and our mutual abilities to be competent at dealing with feelings, solving problems, and taking responsibility for ourselves.
Please read that over and over, you have a R with and addict and he is the one who has to see his unmanageable life to be willing to change it....you cant do this for him...not this time...let him take care of his problems...youll be surprised
I feel so broken today, tears are flowing and I keep having panic attacks
I know this is for the best, I know I need to leave him to sort his life out and walk his own path but the pain I feel inside is ripping me apart. I miss him more than words can say, the pain I feel inside is so powerful & strong and its making me want to curl up and die - I feel so alone.
I keep telling myself i'm strong but I dont feel it, I feel anything but strong. I wanted my marriage to work more than anything, I would have moved heaven and earth to make it happen for my family, now i've let him go to live the life he's chosen and it hurts so so bad.
I know things will get better, they have to, it just doesnt feel like it right now.
So far so good, Upwards. Just keep telling yourself what you have to do and why. You'll get there.
So far so good, Upwards. Just keep telling yourself what you have to do and why. You'll get there.
It doesnt feel like it right now
but thanks.
Upwards , you are doing great, you are a very worth it person to fight for... And what you are feeling now its normal...you are not alone, we are with you....
Even the cry that you seem so sad, its healing you... We dont know whats going to happen in the future but now, today at this moment you are doing great.... Keep doing what you are doing
You're doing great. It's ok to have those feelings....just don't hold on to them. Let them pass thru you.
NC is extremely hard. As I mentioned, I waffled many times over the last year. Each time I pulled away, she chased. Sometimes I was simply weak. Sometimes I felt hope. Sometimes I told myself we could be friendly without problems. Never did she show true commitment to change or to give up OM, and each time not only did I get hurt, my trust diminished, and my resentment grew.
It's only now that I see by not holding my ground, I actually hurt my chances of R. She has never truly lost me (until recently), and it's probably gone on too long now to ever recover. So each time you feel that weakness, that loneliness, that hope, or convince yourself you're ok with it, stop and really be honest with yourself.
Sadness? ... Are you sure or is it love?
Upwards , you are doing great, you are a very worth it person to fight for... And what you are feeling now its normal...you are not alone, we are with you....
Even the cry that you seem so sad, its healing you... We dont know whats going to happen in the future but now, today at this moment you are doing great.... Keep doing what you are doing
I appreciate the support more than you could know. I know crying helps process everything & is normal, I feel a little better this afternoon and already feel more in control of my life.
I just need to take each day as comes & try not to think any further than that right now. The future is scary right now, but also a tiny bit exciting.
Sadness? ... Are you sure or is it love?
Not sure what you mean?
I am showing you to separate your feelings... You are sad because you love him...
Now somebody its probably dying but I dont know them, its sad that its happening but I dont love them so it doesnt affect me...
Can you see it now?
You're doing great. It's ok to have those feelings....just don't hold on to them. Let them pass thru you.
NC is extremely hard. As I mentioned, I waffled many times over the last year. Each time I pulled away, she chased. Sometimes I was simply weak. Sometimes I felt hope. Sometimes I told myself we could be friendly without problems. Never did she show true commitment to change or to give up OM, and each time not only did I get hurt, my trust diminished, and my resentment grew.
It's only now that I see by not holding my ground, I actually hurt my chances of R. She has never truly lost me (until recently), and it's probably gone on too long now to ever recover. So each time you feel that weakness, that loneliness, that hope, or convince yourself you're ok with it, stop and really be honest with yourself.
Thank you Breakdown, your posts always help me so much.
My IC has told me to do the NC and even if I waiver when having a bad day and end up contacting, dont throw the towel in just get back to it - so that's what i'm going to do instead of beating myself up if I do end up contacting him at some point.
I know I need to do this to get myself into a better place and to detach from the situation - I also believe it gives my M the best chance as it will put a stop to H having everything he wants and being able to carry on without making any decisions or facing up to the reality of this.
He's just emailed me saying how sorry he is & if I need anything to let him know, he's making promises of dealing with his fears and has booked to see his counselor on Monday so maybe its given him a kick up the bum too - either way that isn't my problem to think about!
When we say I am sad...we involve other feelings... Dissapointed, angry sometimes, resentfull...
Switch that sadness towards love...i love the way things are because this is helping us both grow... I love this experience that I am having because its a gift others dont get...my life its getting better even if I cant accept change as a positive outcome...
When we say I am sad...we involve other feelings... Dissapointed, angry sometimes, resentfull...
Switch that sadness towards love...i love the way things are because this is helping us both grow... I love this experience that I am having because its a gift others dont get...my life its getting better even if I cant accept change as a positive outcome...
Yeh I understand what you mean now.
I'm trying to see the positives its very hard when your in the thick of it though isn't it. I know this is an amazing opportunity for me to grow into the person that I used to be; the strong, confident and bubbly girl who took no crap off nobody and loved to have fun - that's the girl my H fell in love with & it was his actions that caused that girl to shrink away, now its time to revive her and be ME again!
Thank you Breakdown, your posts always help me so much.
You're welcome. Hopefully you can learn from my (other others') mistakes, and get thru it a little less scathed.
My IC has told me to do the NC and even if I waiver when having a bad day and end up contacting, dont throw the towel in just get back to it - so that's what i'm going to do instead of beating myself up if I do end up contacting him at some point.
Yeah, chances are you will slip at times...just be good to yourself, do the best you can, and protect your heart.
He's just emailed me saying how sorry he is & if I need anything to let him know, he's making promises of dealing with his fears and has booked to see his counselor on Monday so maybe its given him a kick up the bum too - either way that isn't my problem to think about!
Your attitude is great.....but be prepared for the possibility of much spew. I've seen it with my XW for a long time. You want them to figure their crap out and make some decisions about themselves, but that is really the LAST thing they want to do. So before they get there, they will try everything else they can think of to get you back where they want you.
In the past when I've tried NC & ended up contacting him I've then just beat myself up & ended up back in full contact - I CANT let that happen this time, need to see it like an addiction & get "back on the wagon" as quick as possible after a slip instead of going on a binge lol.
Yes he's already pulled the "feel sorry for me" card by saying he's worn out with it all, erm yep me too matey!! Not falling for it, he can't manipulate me anymore like he once used to, I'm wise to his tactics now most of the time. When im feeling low is when I get sucked in, all the more reason to resist contact though I suppose!
Thanks again Breakdown, really appreciated.
My IC has told me to do the NC and even if I waiver when having a bad day and end up contacting, dont throw the towel in just get back to it - so that's what i'm going to do instead of beating myself up if I do end up contacting him at some point.
This is so true! Be kind to yourself. This journey is long and hard. There will be great days and bad days. The goal is to just keep moving, no matter what the day presents you with. The hardest thing is to stay present - to drop what happened in the past and to forget about what may happen in the future.
This is so true! Be kind to yourself. This journey is long and hard. There will be great days and bad days. The goal is to just keep moving, no matter what the day presents you with. The hardest thing is to stay present - to drop what happened in the past and to forget about what may happen in the future.
I'm terrible for beating myself up & expecting too much of myself, I'm really working on treating myself how I'd treat a friend - habit of a lifetime is hard to change though.
I think I'm going to buy a mindfulness book to help me stay in the present too, can't do any harm can it
I'm terrible for beating myself up & expecting too much of myself, I'm really working on treating myself how I'd treat a friend - habit of a lifetime is hard to change though.
Every time you catch yourself doing this, imagine saying the same thing to your little girl. That should give you an idea of how destructive it is, and remind you to STOP.
I'm terrible for beating myself up & expecting too much of myself, I'm really working on treating myself how I'd treat a friend - habit of a lifetime is hard to change though.
Every time you catch yourself doing this, imagine saying the same thing to your little girl. That should give you an idea of how destructive it is, and remind you to STOP.
Thanks melissa, I'll give that a try. I tend to do it without even realising so the first step would be to recognise when I'm being hard on myself then I can work on trying to stop it.
Upwards I am in the same situation you are...not knowing if I am getting D or not, but while my W figures out things I cant treat myself like I am not worth it, I know its hard and maybe they never come back but Ibam not the one who forced her to leave the house, I am not the cause of her unhapiness, so why would I stop being happy? Fake it untill you make it, he knows how you are and he wants you back he is also gonna have to fight for that...my W knows me if she wants me back she is gonna have to deal with her fears and insecurities... I cant be in a R in which everytime she is scared she runs away.... And if she doesnt come back ever thats her choice and I respect that...its hard I know my W left only 2 months and a half ago...but stopping living my life and enjoying things because one person wasnt happy?? Then what? 2 unhapppy people? Lets be serious as much as I love her, I love myself too and yes or yes I am gonna move on with my life... Either she likes or not...thats my choice not her choice
and you have to do the same...
Thanks melissa, I'll give that a try. I tend to do it without even realising so the first step would be to recognise when I'm being hard on myself then I can work on trying to stop it.
Upthread you mentioned getting a mindfulness book, practicing mindfulness will help you recognize your emotions so that you can accept what you're feeling without judgment and let it go. Out thoughts aren't the truth just because we think them. Our minds play tricks on us all the time.
You might also look into acceptance and commitment therapy.
ye21 - I agree, we have to keep carrying on with our lives and make the best of it. I know my H certainly isn't happy, there is no point in us both being miserable. I have no idea if my H will come back but I do suspect he will eventually, either way I have no intention of putting my life on hold for him any longer.
Your doing great by the sounds of things
keep going!
labug - I'm going to look into those things now, thank you very much for that
I sent my H an email last night running through how I want things to work with the kids and if he needs to contact about the business etc. I got this reply today, sounds like my ultimatum and stopping contact has given him a kick up to butt...
Hi W,
I do care about u, but I struggle with my own fears.
I miss my friend but know it's too hard for u at the min. I'm sitting down with Steve (counselor) on Monday and I want to write u a letter and get past my fears of loosing control.
Hope the kids are good I miss them loads. If u need some money for the bills or stuff for the kids don t hesitate to tell me and I will do my best to sort it.
I take full responsibility for all of this, I honestly dont want to hurt u anymore x
"Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do."
Forget the talk...it's meaningless. Watch the actions.
Very true Breakdown.
I went to work this morning to arrange things there so we dont have to see each other - naturally it moved onto talk about "us" and we talked alot about what we've been through and how he feels he doesnt love me but fully admits that he cant allow himself to feel love as it makes him vulnerable. He said he's realised that he does want to be with me & his family and that he thinks he may be making a big mistake, when I asked why he's doing it then he said "fear"
When I was going he picked me up and cuddled me & said he's going to miss me so much, that he thinks about me all the time & doesnt know how he's going to live without me & he feels sick to his stomach that its over... it was on the tip of my tongue to say "thats because you love me" but I resisted. I cried, he shed a tear then we went our separate ways.
This is going to be SOOO hard but I know its the best way to get myself into a better place plus I think it has given him the kick up the bum to look at his fears and figure out what he wants from life. How i'm going to resist contacting I have no idea but i'm going to try my best.
Day 2 of no contact (except for this mornings meeting) - very proud of myself, its been much easier this time than last time. Sounds like nothing but to say we used to speak hourly on the phone its a really big change!
Feeling slightly anxious but trying to just let it pass, feeling a little relieved not to have the stress/confusion and feeling a bit more positive about things too - overall a good day!
It's a good boundary and you're doing well. Remember that advice about what you'd say to your daughter.
This is such an encouraging post. Keep up with the divorce busting techniques.
Thank you
I actually feel in control of my life for the first time in a long time, not fully in control but more in control than I have been recently!
Going to have a read through some bits in DR again tonight to keep me on track
thanks for the support everyone I couldnt have got to here without you all.
Must have been the calm before the storm.... I fell apart, completely overwhelmed & ended up ringing H - arghhh I never learn!!
I AM HUMAN - must not beat myself up!
Don't beat yourself up.
What happened when you spoke with your H?
Not a lot really, we talked a little & he said how he has a lot of figuring out to do and maybe his feelings will change in the future but right now he knows he has to be on his own to work through his issues - same as usual really.
It made me feel much worse afterwards so hopefully lesson learnt! It's so hard as he's always been the one to support me but I need to realise that he isn't my husband in that sense anymore.
Woken feeling upset & anxious after barely any sleep, need to try and turn this day around.
Hey Upwards, have you checked any al anon meetings?
Yeh I have been to Al-Anon but there is only one meeting near me on a Monday & I have nobody to have the kids at the moment - hoping in a few weeks when I'm feeling better about things I'll be able to ask H to watch the kids but at the moment it's best I don't see him.
Why dont you try the phone meetings? They work too
I didn't know they did phone meetings?
Must have been the calm before the storm.... I fell apart, completely overwhelmed & ended up ringing H
What were you looking for? What did you think would happen?
Have you read the analogy of the squirrel, or the one sitting on the blanket outside the castle? I highly recommend....sometimes thinking of things in this context can really help.
I AM HUMAN - must not beat myself up!
You're going to make mistakes, you are going to slip up...go easy on yourself. But get back up and keep marching. I think the important thing here is to understand why you did, and to not cycle it over and over.
Do you have a support group outside of this forum? Someone you can talk to? Someone who will listen without judgement, without trying to fix you? If you don't have an IC, perhaps check with your church, a close friend, a relative.
I've been D'd for almost a year and I've only been NC for a few weeks!! You are a fricken star in my book! Keep your head high!
alanonphonemeetings.org
they have a bunch of them
Thanks again Breakdown, love your replies
What were you looking for? What did you think would happen?
I suppose he's always been the one to "make everything ok" and I was reaching out for support however I know that right now he cant offer me that so its pointless expecting it.
I think its good I did it in a lot of ways as I was okish & felt in control before hand and fell apart afterwards so it just shows that all it does it mess with my emotions/feelings.
Do you have a support group outside of this forum? Someone you can talk to? Someone who will listen without judgement, without trying to fix you? If you don't have an IC, perhaps check with your church, a close friend, a relative.
Yes I have a lot of support from my Mum & brother, they're both brilliant & really supportive although they both believe i'll be happier without my H so gently push in that direction which can be difficult but I know they're just looking out for me - they would stand by me no matter what I decided though.
I'm also seeing an IC weekly at the moment, that's really helpful just to get things in perspective and also to work on things from the past so I can move forwards properly.
I've been D'd for almost a year and I've only been NC for a few weeks!! You are a fricken star in my book! Keep your head high!
I know I should give myself more credit really! I know this will be the best way to make my H realise what he's lost & allow him to miss me properly, it will also give us both some space to figure out what we want and give me the chance to work on ME without his spew to listen to.
A few days ago he said he's missed me lots & thinks about me all the time (whilst we've still be in contact) so I imagine NC is going to be a real wake up call to him, the reality of his decisions are hitting him full force from what I can tell. Its my best chance of showing him what life without me will be like, its tough but i'm trying to keep the end goal in sight!
alanonphonemeetings.org
they have a bunch of them
Thank you. I'm in the UK so it would cost me a fortune
shame!
Yes I have a lot of support from my Mum & brother, they're both brilliant & really supportive although they both believe i'll be happier without my H so gently push in that direction which can be difficult but I know they're just looking out for me - they would stand by me no matter what I decided though.
Yeah, there's a section in DR that talks about family and friends. Most people just want you to be happy again and figure D is the fastest path to get there. Their intentions are good, but it's not always what we need. Just keep that in mind when talking to them. The IC is great.
...so I imagine NC is going to be a real wake up call to him, the reality of his decisions are hitting him full force from what I can tell. Its my best chance of showing him what life without me will be like, its tough but i'm trying to keep the end goal in sight!
I'd be careful here. Remember, the boundary is about protecting you....not about showing him what he's missing. It may be a side effect, but that's not the goal. And try not to mind read....there's no way to know what he's thinking.
Breakdown-
Don't mean to hijack the thread here, but what is the squirrel analogy and the blanket outside of the castle? I googled, but didn't find what you may be referring to.
Yeah, there's a section in DR that talks about family and friends. Most people just want you to be happy again and figure D is the fastest path to get there. Their intentions are good, but it's not always what we need. Just keep that in mind when talking to them. The IC is great.
Yeh they just want me to be happy & they've seen me get hurt so many times that they believe I'll be happier without H. They aren't forceful or anything, they just feel I need to leave him to it & focus on me right now I suppose, which they're dead right about!
Remember, the boundary is about protecting you....not about showing him what he's missing. It may be a side effect, but that's not the goal. And try not to mind read....there's no way to know what he's thinking.
Yeh I know, I'm doing it primarily for me & to protect myself.
He told me that it's all hit him since I started putting things in place to cut contact & that he's really finding it hard & hurting, me walking away has given him no option but to deal with the reality.
Breakdown-
Don't mean to hijack the thread here, but what is the squirrel analogy and the blanket outside of the castle? I googled, but didn't find what you may be referring to.
I won't do either of them justice (so if someone has it, please post!), but basically:
Imagine you are trying to feed a squirrel from your hand. Clearly, any sudden movements will send them off running, so you must move slowly. You make your hand seem as inviting as you can, without scaring him off. And it's going to take an awful lot of patience on your part before he'll even consider it.
When the squirrel finally works up the nerve to come to your hand, again, any sudden movements will send him scurrying....you can't immediately start petting him or anything. If you do something to scare him, he may never come back. So patiently, slowly, over time, the squirrel will built trust to come to you repeatedly.
The castle analogy is the same concept, except your spouse is inside a castle, behind a moat, drawbridge, etc. You set up a blanket outside, start enjoying yourself, laugh, have a good time. Eventually, the spouse will get curious and start watching. They may even sneak out of the castle for a closer look. If it turns out you're faking it, or you try to grab them, they'll return to the castle and may not come back.
So the idea is, if you detach, start working on you, find yourself, etc....there's a decent chance your spouse will notice, and may come to check things out. You have to be extremely patient....before they come, and even after. You cannot apply any pressure, or they will bail.
Makes a lot of sense!!! I like that, will remember it for future.
My H said to me last week that "he likes who I'm becoming" so he's noticed my changes - I just said "thanks" and smiled then changed the subject
Woke up this morning and my H WASNT the first thing on my mind, definitely a first!
Still NC, finding I've got a lot more head space and I'm much more relaxed, Im thinking of him often but don't have the anxiety attached anymore. Problem I'm having is that I'm fantasising that it's all going to be fine & my H is going to come to me in a few weeks & be ready to commit, how do I stop myself doing this as I don't want to set myself for a huge fall?
Thats one of the biggest problem all of us and I guess most human faces... When we start thinking, the best way to " stop" thinking about that, its just accepting that now its what its in our head and as many other feelings it will pass....
When we have this thinkings if you realize we judge ourselves....you dont beleive already in the think.... And you "punished" yourself for having that thinking that "will lead me to fail again"
Just accept its there and let it stay as long as it wants.....as you can see there are thoughs from the beggining that you dont have anymre...
Accept and be happy, fight and be sad...
Still NC, finding I've got a lot more head space and I'm much more relaxed, Im thinking of him often but don't have the anxiety attached anymore.
That's progress!
Problem I'm having is that I'm fantasising that it's all going to be fine & my H is going to come to me in a few weeks & be ready to commit, how do I stop myself doing this as I don't want to set myself for a huge fall?
It
is all going to be fine...that much is true. But how you define "fine" will change over time.
So what are you working on for you? What changes are you trying to make? And what are you doing for GAL?
It is all going to be fine...that much is true. But how you define "fine" will change over time.
Yes I suppose if fantasising about it being fine with H isn't the end of the world, it's keeping me positive & helping me move forwards - obviously I hope that's the way it goes but I'm sure that if it doesn't I'll be fine. I'm not afraid of being on my own & know I can manage on my own, I just don't want to!
So what are you working on for you? What changes are you trying to make? And what are you doing for GAL?
I've been working on focusing on myself (which has been difficult after so long focused on H!) and figuring out what makes me happy & what I want from life and for me & the kids for the future. My IC also asked me to think about what I would want from my H if he came to me & said he wanted to R, how could things work & what I'd need from him to be happy in the relationship.
GAL - I've been spending lots more time socialising with friends & family, I've signed up for voluntary work, looking into joining the gym, getting back into meditation, I'm in the process of getting my DSLR camera fixed so I can get back into photography (hobby). Lots more lined up too.
I've also got myself new clothes, haircut, tan, nails & lost 3 stone in weight
I feel like a new woman - my confidence is increasing every day and I'm starting to feel like ME again and I like it, watch out I'm baaaack haha!
QUESTION
My H text me today saying "How are the kids I'm missing them loads" and I ignored, I felt like it was more about satisfying HIS feelings of missing them than genuinely wanting to know how they are - he knows he'd be the first person I'd contact if they were poorly, upset etc.
He's tried to contact me via text several times yesterday (random unnecessary stuff) & been ignored so I feel like he's doing it to try to get a response from me.
I feel a little bad for ignoring, what do you think?
Well check this out... You want your changes to be real right? So basically YOU ARE TOO BUSY involved in your own life to answer to his text messages...you dont feel "bad" you probably have fear...fear that if you dont answer youll loose him forver, remember that now the ball is on his court side, he is the one that with actions and not words has to demostrate he wants you back...
So let him show you that....if you are busy you have no time to answer to his text messages, you actually dont need to, when you see one of his text messages and start having doubts if to answer or not, grab a book or start cooking something or go for a walk and leave the phone at home... Lets see how you feel after those activities....its like when you quit smoking...first days you are craving for a cigarette so you occupy those cogarettes times with something else
Your kids are really young, so I think you have to be the middle ground for them at this age. You're going to have to help them communicate with their father....it is the right thing for them.
That said, it doesn't mean you have to "be" in the middle....it just means you have to figure out a way that works for your kids, you, and your H. Scheduled times with skype or facetime are awesome. Try to think of how you can keep your kids connected with their father without being in the middle of it.
Personally, all my kids have phones except my 6yo, so I text them regularly. For my 6yo, he has an ipod, so I am probably going to get an ipad or iphone this year so I can connect with him directly. I never call my X and ask her about the kids....never. I get enough info from them via text, and a call to the X just opens a bag of worms unrelated to the kids.
That idea that Breakdown proposed there its fantastic!!!
They both have iPods so he usually uses FaceTime or iMessage but I asked him to not use that for a couple of weeks so that I've got space as he often asks the kids if I'm ok or says "hello to mummy" etc which is a bit naughty & I know it's cos he's missing me but it's not really fair.
I would never stop him having good communication with the kids & will do everything I can to support that, just not for a couple of weeks. They see him regularily so it's not like they have no communication.
I'm pretty sure he's only text thinking I'll reply cos it's about the kids - I've asked him to not call/text and only use email but he's just ignored that.
Well H emailed me this morning regarding work and started the email "Hi W, hope your ok , I'm worrying about you" - what's that all about, why is he worrying about me, because I'm actually sticking with the NC and not falling for his attempts to pull me back into his web?!! Hes also called (ignored) & text, one of the texts was very playful and how he used to speak to me when we were together.
I'm feeling a million miles better since going NC, it's certainly what I needed to do. I've implied to him that I'm done with him & our marriage & I've begun worrying that I'm messing up any chance of R although I know that if he did want that I'm sure he'd let me know?
Since reading 5LL I feel like I need to share what I've learnt with him but don't think now is the right time, it's a shame we hadn't both read it before we got to this stage!!
I'm pushing forward with getting the house ready for sale & been looking today at buying myself a new DSLR camera, yay!
It's a push/pull dynamic. The more you pull away, the more he'll pursue. This is completely normal.
Since reading 5LL I feel like I need to share what I've learnt with him but don't think now is the right time, it's a shame we hadn't both read it before we got to this stage!!
Focus on you. You don't need to tell him anything....he'll see your changes.
I'm pushing forward with getting the house ready for sale & been looking today at buying myself a new DSLR camera, yay!
Good for you!
Upwards, sound like your actions are working, both for your well being and for the possibility of R! Keep it up and stay strong!
Yeh for sure, this is the only way forward now - I've learnt when DB that if something feels "wrong" or "different" then I'm doing the right thing!
My 180s have certainly got his attention, over the past few weeks I've slowly increased their intensity up to this biggie which is complete NC and knowing him as well as I do he'll most likely feel like he's lost his arm right now as his 'safety blanket' has been removed - most importantly though the 180s have given me the strength & self respect to stand up for myself, be my own person and set healthy boundaries that will help to make ME happy.
I'm by no means healed, but I'm beginning to feel like I'm moving in that direction.
Right I'm missing H tonight
so many things have reminded me today of the fact that things are so different now, went to buy Mother's Day cards today (it's this weekend here in uk) and realised that my mother-in-law might not be that for much longer
I bought her a plain card from me but it just felt really strange & hit me like a tonne of bricks. Feeling very sad this evening.
On Friday he's having the kids overnight (at my house) as I'm going out with friends/family, it's my opportunity to show him the "new me" and it will also be the first time he's seen me in over a week which is a huge break for us - bit nervous though!
(((U)))) It is the little things that come out of no where that hit the hardest sometimes. I have received a lot of great advice on here that your R with your H's family does not have to end even in the event of a D. If you are able to avoid talking about your H and the sitch, you can still remain a part of their lives. Again, you cant control how they will respond, but you can continue to reach out. My H's family has been my family for 15 years (almost half my life) so I struggle with this alot!!
Make sure you are looking HOT on Friday
Thank you (((3bm))) much appreciated.
Yes I intend to look KILLER
For once I'm off out enjoying myself whilst he's at home with the kids!
His mum is fantastic, she thinks he's an idiot & he's making the biggest mistake of his life - she's sure he'll come creeping back - she's also dropping off the kids for me when he's had them so I don't have to see him for a while so I see her regularly. I will always keep in contact with them regardless of what happens & they've said I'll always be their daughter-in-law.
It's the little things that have hit me today - his email saying he's "worrying about me", seeing a "wife" mug in a shop, seeing couples in the street, found a note in a drawer saying "I will always love you" etc.
Hang tough girly....one day at a time.
Well I didn't contact last night even though I was struggling, go me! Its been 6 days today and I'm really proud of myself, the only contact we've had has been via email except a short meeting last Friday. Woke up lots through the night having dreams/nightmares about him so not feeling at my best today, yuck!
I'm struggling because I want to know how he's finding it without me around, the only time we've ever had this much NC in the past 12yrs is when he was in rehab so its a big thing for both of us - he's contacted me lots and been ignored so he's clearly trying to break me & hoping i'll back down on the NC like I have in the past.
I need to stay busy today as I'm not feeling great & so i'm most likely to contact - need to remember that I wont get what I want/need from the contact.
Tomorrow is a week! Way to go!
Tomorrow is a week! Way to go!
I know!! Honestly that for us in AMAZING as we used to talk hourly every single day. Can stop wondering if he's missing me though or how he's feeling about it, suppose its only natural though.
Hope your doing ok Barrybran?
Just had a text from H and not sure what to do, do I agree to sit down in person and sort these things out or should I request we do it over the phone instead (which would be more difficult i'd imagine). I'm worried seeing/speaking to him will set me back but I also know that these are things that need to be discussed.
Hi W, I need to sit down with you and discuss the finaces that I mentioned yesterday
All good here. Wife doesn't like me but I'm happy :p
Get him to email what he wants to know. Stick to your guns.
We need to meet up at some point to sign some paperwork to do with the business so i'm going to have to see him at some point at the end of the week. I replied with this:
Can you email me please so that I know what was discussed? We can sort out a meeting at the end of the week if it's needed. Thanks.
All good here. Wife doesn't like me but I'm happy :p
Glad your happy, that's the main thing. Your W is 'work in progress' so dont worry about that
lol!
She's a work alright haha. She'd probably say the same about me though.
Think we're probably all hard work at times, I'm certainly no angel haha!
Breakdown-
Don't mean to hijack the thread here, but what is the squirrel analogy and the blanket outside of the castle? I googled, but didn't find what you may be referring to.
I won't do either of them justice (so if someone has it, please post!), but basically:
Imagine you are trying to feed a squirrel from your hand. Clearly, any sudden movements will send them off running, so you must move slowly. You make your hand seem as inviting as you can, without scaring him off. And it's going to take an awful lot of patience on your part before he'll even consider it.
When the squirrel finally works up the nerve to come to your hand, again, any sudden movements will send him scurrying....you can't immediately start petting him or anything. If you do something to scare him, he may never come back. So patiently, slowly, over time, the squirrel will built trust to come to you repeatedly.
The castle analogy is the same concept, except your spouse is inside a castle, behind a moat, drawbridge, etc. You set up a blanket outside, start enjoying yourself, laugh, have a good time. Eventually, the spouse will get curious and start watching. They may even sneak out of the castle for a closer look. If it turns out you're faking it, or you try to grab them, they'll return to the castle and may not come back.
So the idea is, if you detach, start working on you, find yourself, etc....there's a decent chance your spouse will notice,
and may come to check things out. You have to be extremely patient....before they come, and even after. You cannot apply any pressure, or they will bail.
Know that if they never come out, YOU must still have yourself a good time.
This knowledge is KEY. And darn attractive/attracting.
Up, you KNOW you have broken your own boundaries and each time it hurts and you say "lesson learnt".....
We all make mistakes. Making the same exact mistake is the most harmful kind b/c it makes your spouse doubt your changes,
and makes you feel like you have to start ALL over again....go from this day forward, and keep those "learned lessons" in mind.
KNOW and BELIEVE you will be happy again. See a STOP Sign when you next think of using your h as your self esteem booster. That is not his job anymore...and actually it never was. IT was always your job to boost your self esteem.
Please check out those TED talks by Shawn Achor and Amy Cuddy. One is on positive psychology and the other is "faking it til you make it/Become it"...
both videos are short, yet reflect profound findings.
Good luck
Will check it out thanks! Done much better & really stuck with boundaries & had really positive results
New thread is:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2440751#Post2440751