Wife emailed me not to long ago wanting to know what happened with my appointment with attorney. She said she is at the end of her rope with this. She wants me to follow up with her on my refinancing of the house which I won't be doing, haven't told her yet and her last comment was " it's time to make a move. " Shes made her move. She went out of town for 4 days and I didn't find out till the day she was leaving where she was going. Not that I'm snooping around cause I know the OM is still in the picture but now she has his T-shirt she wears to bed. How much more can she kick me down ? She has been warmer to me but now this email. I told her a week ago I know what has to be done but it hurts to let go. She made a comment how if she knew it would work she would try. Yea!! With the OM in the picture? So tonight in going to speak with her in the settlement agreement and the refinancing. If she wants out that bad, there's the door. I really want to just go off on her and tell her how she has affected everyone around her with her MLC.
The other day spoke with w about my appointment with attorney and went over about the house. She wants to make a move quick on this and the settlement agreement. I told her I still don't know about my refinancing and that theres the door. She responded I can't live like this any more and that she can qualify. I tensed up and told her if she can't live like this the door is there get the **** out till we decide and walked away. The next day she was warm and started going over our agreement. What a pushy woman !! Did I do the right thing ?
She wants me to follow up with her on my refinancing of the house which I won't be doing
Why won't you be doing it, are you hoping to delay D? Don't do anything to obstruct the D, it will just fester resentment in your W. As hard as it is, you have to look at this as a business transaction. Deal with it in a professional manner like you would deal with something at work.
Not that I'm snooping around cause I know the OM is still in the picture but now she has his T-shirt she wears to bed. How much more can she kick me down ?
You mean her wearing a particular shirt to bed is "kicking you down"? Ask yourself this- is that because of her or YOU? My W has never been the least bit interested in any kind of sports. OM is a Texas Rangers fan, now suddenly W is wearing Rangers shirts now and then and put a Rangers collar on MY dog when it was visiting her house with the kids, LOL! It just makes me roll my eyes, but doesn't affect my PMA in any way. It needs to be the same for you, just shrug at how silly it is and keep living your life.
I really want to just go off on her and tell her how she has affected everyone around her with her MLC.
But you won't, right?
The other day spoke with w about my appointment with attorney and went over about the house. She wants to make a move quick on this and the settlement agreement. I told her I still don't know about my refinancing and that theres the door. She responded I can't live like this any more and that she can qualify. I tensed up and told her if she can't live like this the door is there get the **** out till we decide and walked away. The next day she was warm and started going over our agreement. What a pushy woman !! Did I do the right thing ?
Again, treat it like a business transaction. You're letting your feelings get in the way, and that is NOT attractive to her. Be cool, calm, professional. Discuss it like adults, not like a pouty kid.
Thanks AnotherStander. On the refinancing. I am looking at as a business move and it would hurt me financially if I keep it. On the shirt. I guess I can try to look at it in a silly way. I want to go off on her but I won't and haven't in two and a half years going thru this. I have been discussing this as adults and telling her I know it has to be done but not what I want. Some people have told me I have been too nice about this.
She agreed to go to co parenting therapy. The counselor I picked has been divorced but not by her choice and is familiar w DB. She asked me what I wanted out if this and told her one for our s and to also indirectly some how maybe she will wake up.
We have our first co parenting session tomorrow and my appointment before that w my attorney. This morning she told me to get w her as soon as I figure out what to change to let her know and she will have her attorney change what ever. Wow. Pushy. Isn't she. My sister in law told me the other day that I was pushing her buttons and my sister in law said "Good". This is her sister. Anyway. Just going thru the motions. It's still hard to swallow that we are at this point.
Need advice!! W sent me a text today to see if I have plans with s on Sunday. This is my weekend. Her cousin is having a cookout then and wants to take our s. so he can play w his cousin. She said she wasn't going to go unless s goes and that if we had plans she would understand. My coach has suggested in the past to discuss things w her and negotiate like partners and he has also told me to say no to things. Not to be a yes man all the time. Think I'm going to say no to this one. That we have plans.
"Bitter". That's what she still is. Going to be signing sep agree probably by wed and most likely she will file for divorce as soon as she can. She is on a mission. And that's to be out. Well. She's getting it. The woman is lost and she needs help. Anyway. Just venting. The end is near.
Last night I told w that I was going to make appointment w attorney to sign. She wants me to go by today. Told her I will see when he's available. She said all u need is a notary. I responded , always in a hurry. She mumbled and asked s if he wanted to go for a walk. I said, yes go for a walk. This morning she text me to let her know when I sign so she can also cause its real tense around the house. She also wants to handle living arrangements ASAP. Sometimes i think do I really want this woman in my life. I am starting to get angry. Don't know if that's good or not.
Should I go out to the movies tonight with my s and another woman and her daughter ?
YES, you've been doing this a long time. It's time to do something different and have some fun. It is possible GO.
Thanks unbidden. It has been a long time. Today I have changed things up a bit. W text me a couple if times today regarding signing and I have been a little rude on my responses. Told her I have an appointment tomorrow to sign. She came back saying , because I have 90 days to qualify for refinancing the home, she will probably move out soon cause she can't live like the way we have been. I responded "what ever" I will know in a few weeks. Think this might get a little bad here soon. Reality has sunk in and now I'm angry. Anyway. Think I am going to movies tonight w s and other woman.
I am really considering confronting OM and tell him how much of a wonderful person he is to help ruin a family. Anyone ever confronted OM ?
Don't do something like that out of anger at this late date. What difference will it make really?
I am angry. But I have thought about it over and over. It won't make a difference but people like him ,"The Other Person " need to know that what they do even tho the spouse cheating is at fault, hurts a lot of people. Even kids. My mother in law even suggested I approach him.
One hour and counting down before I sign separation agreement. So what's next are divorce papers. And I'm sure she won't hesitate on getting them to me as fast as she can.
S and I didn't go to the movies last night w my female friend and her daughter. S was putting up a fight he didn't want to see that movie. So she said, next time.
I know how you feel about the OM. Unfortunately that will just get your W angry. IF the OW is who I think it is my H has known her for years, longer than me. She was married to a friend of his when we first got together, I've met her. 10 years ago when we separated they had an online thing/EA. From my point of view I wonder why he feels she has something to offer other than being uninhibited sexually. She obviously has no self-esteem if she's been pining away for my husband all these years. She was in an abusive relationship at one point as well...I guess we have to wait until they run there course, as hard as it is. Trust me, I've wanted to call, send letters and emails...but the question is, will this get us closer to our goal? The answer is obviously NO!
And I'm sure she won't hesitate on getting them to me as fast as she can.
Really? Why are you so sure? Do you have a special hability to see the future that others dont have??
I am sure if I dont drink water I get dehidrated, if I dont eat I will develop anemia... Those things I do know for sure, or almost...
And also you want to confront the OM? Well you can do whatever you want, at one point you were also the OM, or dont you remember when your W talked to you about her past relationships?? Do you know why you married her? Because you were a guy who accepted her no matter what...it didnt affected you her past relationships....but wait...now it does?
Here is my question, when you marry her, did you marry her because you love her unconditionally OR because you were signing to have one more property?
I think maybe you tough...if I marry her I own her hehehe, well guess what, you dont own her, she is free to do whatever she wants, of course she is oit of the relationship with you and that hurts, but you cant control what she does, you can only control what you do...
Let her enjoy her affair, chang her hair, divorce you, remarry, do whatever she wishes, just get a bag of popcorn and watch the show, with a smile on your face, set boundaries to yourself, sandi rules and keep moving on, thats the only chance you have to see her coming back, because she wants to be with you by choice, not because you dictate her to be with you, and if she doesnt come back... Thats fine, everything will be fine.
Now, Jesus was a man, if you read his biography (the bible) you will see how confident he was, and how over the top, because he was the "son of God" ?? I dont believe in that... I believe he was a strong and confident man, he was a man who accepted everybody no matter what they did, and always forgive, because of that everybody tough he was the son of God, but at the end he was just a human being, with conditions that made him different, he loved himself, he was respectful and accepted everything that happened....man they abussed him and acussed him of stuff that you couldnt handle at the emotional level that you are now, they killed him and his last words were to forgive his muderers, so imagine what level of acceptance he had...
Today millions of human beings admire him and follow him...they also defend his death and guess what? All that happened millions of years ago but the man its more famous that Coca Cola.
I am not telling you to become Jesus, but to accept your W no matter what she does, because not accepting nothing its gonna change... Some couples reconcile once they accept the separation...you know which ones succeed? Only the ones that accepted what the other person did without judging...
If your W tells you today, hey hon lets get back together... i guarantee you, inside your head all your feelings will go towars the affair and in a few months the D then will be with no return point.
So take this time to accept what she is and what she has become, and time will take care of the rest...
Thank you. That's a lot to take in. I do keep my head up high around her. But today might be a little tough. Your right. Only time will tell. And if she files for divorce tomorrow it's over in 6 to 8 weeks. Am I happy? No. But I will move on. Thanks to everyone here who has given me advice. I pray that it works out for everyone and myself.
Does the va mean that you are in VA ?
Remember this.....
Everything that you do, and every action that you make or take, is on record somewhere...
Either publicly, or in YOUR mind....
Be the person that you want to be, and don't let her actions, or these papers veer you off of that....
Thanks Mach1. And yes. I'm in Va.
kenva, I am sorry for your pain and the stage you are at. I too know how awful this situation is. Confronting om will do no good. of course ,we want people to realize the impact of their actions. Let Karma take care of that. You focus on being a great dad to your son. That will serve you much better.
Thanks Willbwell. One of the things w has told me is that I am there and do more with our s. Mach1 I live in hampton roads.
So guess who's moving out!!!! She is temp for 3 months. She says she can't live like this till we decide who takes house. So when she went into s room to put him to bed I worked my way upstairs for the evening and shouted out, "Yea". She then came out of the room and asked if I heard something and what it was. Told her I stubbed my toe.
I came home cause our s has a stomach bug. She had her car loaded w bags of clothes. She put on her jacket and said she would be back in a few hours. I walked around and noticed some things off the wall that she took. It's hard not to read into it so I'm trying not to. I think I'm going to ask her when she comes back if she needs help loading anything. Just to be nice and its something she wouldn't expect from me. Kinda weird cause I told her I would know in a couple of weeks about me refinancing the house or not. Anyway. Just another step till the end. I know and don't know how I am going to be starting fri how I will react to not having my s for a week even tho I get him tues night. It's a big and sudden change. I even said to her this morning that I wish she gave me a few days heads up on this move so I can mentally get ready not having my s around.
Wife just left with s to go to rental home. I kept a positive attitude and even offered to help her load but now, it's hit me.
Just breathe....
Feel all of this right now, process it, and take a step away from it every day...
Let that feeling motivate you for the future...
It gets better, but only if you allow it to get better.
Every day that you are away from your Son, is one day closer to seeing him again....
Do you have anything lined up for tonite ? Some time just for you ??
I would say, fire up the grill, throw on some red meat, and enjoy the weather down there in Navy-land...
Still hard to swallow the reality. Just put a steak in the grill. Talked to my coach and he said to stay focused and keep my resentment level down. But all I wanted to say to her as she was walking out was to let her know how much pain she had brought to me and both our families. I didn't. I kept it together. I told her that I will go ahead and set up another co parenting appointment next week. She was good w that. The master bed room is empty w just furniture and I plan on moving back in there tomorrow. Just don't have the urge to do anything now. I am also going to take her wedding portrait down along w a few other pics of her. And while I'm at it. Move the family room furniture around. Hey. I got all weekend. And I am going to pop open a beer right now.
I'm sorry it came to this, even though we all know it doesn't have to mean the end, it is a hard step to go through. I'm thinking about you..
Thanks. I really appreciate it. I won't give up on DB. For some reason I have a little hope left in me. I am glad that some out there like u are piecing. I know it would be a lot of work. But I am ready for it. She just isn't. Thanks again.
Hard day today. Got some decent sleep last night. I had 2 wonderful people call me last night. My mother in law and wife's sister. Both trying to chear me up. I love them for that. Trying to get motivated on re arranging family room furniture and to take a couple of more pics of w down. Still up in the air about moving back into master bed. Think I might just shut the door. Real tuff to find something to do tonight. Don't want to meet friends or family out cause the conversation will be of if I'm doing ok. And I know they all are worried about me. Don't want to be around any drinking either. Just don't know what to do.
My s just called and we talked for 20 min. Getting off the phone I got real emotional. I get to have him tue night and then won't have him till fri. Real hard trying to adjust to this one week on and off schedule. I miss my s. it's funny how w got him some new toys since being there at new place and since his Grama couldn't go see them yesterday , w invited his friend over and his mom to hang out for the day. Not to be vindictive but I hope w misses our s as much as I do when she doesn't have him.
I didn't move into the mast bed room , just shut the door. I did re arrange furniture in family room and took down more pictures of her that she left up. I also re arranged the pantry. I got an awesome phone call from her sister yesterday. She was checking in on me. She told me that she talked to w since moving and told her , "this is what u wanted".
I hear ya Kenva! been going through the same things, when I have to drop my girls off it is real sad but we got to stay busy doing positive things for ourselves. People do turn their lives around after this......
What a great feeling!!!! Just picked up my s from after school. Have him for the whole night. Then I won't see him till fri. But at least I will have him for a week. It's also hard cause I teared up giving him a huge hug and he gave me a weird look.
Enjoy your time with your son
I get that way when I drop my girls off...I think it is genetic...I tear up but don't want them to see...my dad who was a war hero used to do the same thing whenever we would leave....don't be hard on yourself....
One week today that w moved out. I get to pick up my s today from school and have him for the week other than tue night. I'm looking forward to it like u wouldn't believe. I miss him. We also have a co parenting appointment in a couple of hours and it will be the first time in a week that I will see w and even speak to her. Communication this past week has been email and text. It's been real hard without my s and I have gotten real emotional. Let's see how she misses him now. Divorce is still on schedule. Have to meet my attorney Mon to go over final decree. I didn't want to meet him today so it wouldn't put me in a bad mood when meeting with w and therapist and to not put a downer on the first weekend I have my s. My Son !! I feel for him. I can't imagine what he is going to go thru. All I can do is be the best father in the world to him. I went to dinner with friends last night that knows both if us real well. My friend said that she would have never seen this coming between me and w with divorce. I have actually heard that from a few people. The other day another friend, who found out , told me he was sorry. I told him not to feel sorry for me but for her. She's going to miss out.
You are focusing too much on her...it won't help you heal and get on with your life. I am not saying she won't be coming back etc...but it is keeping you from being in the moment. I do the same thing always want things to not work out for W so that she will want to come back. But that is not love.
Had a good day yesterday with s. we went to the zoo but it was slammed packed because of the warm weather. So s wanted to go see his Grama , my MIL, which we were not far from. We went there for a few hours and went out to dinner with her. She hadn't seen him in a couple of weeks. Also got a phone call from my w sister checking in to see how I was doing. That family is awesome. Today going to church and then my moms house for the day. The grandparents don't get to see him much cause all of this. I had my moments this morning and am trying to snap out of it. It's hard. Why is this so hard? I look at my s and I sometimes get emotional.
40 days and counting. May 2nd. Court hearing for final divorce. Just found out after speaking to my attorney. The only good thing is, is that I don't have to show up for court. But what a way to start off the week.
I am feeling real angry and bitter today. I picked up my s for the night and he told me that this past weekend they had lunch w the OM and that he got him some toys. Really nice kick in the groin. I called my mother in law just because I needed to vent. She said maybe call w tonight and tell her how much it hurt that s told me about OM at lunch with them. And in the same sentence said her daughter is going to regret this. I also need to tell w that I can't qualify to refinance the house and my MIL said to tell her on phone not email or text. This would be a 180 from what w would expect from me instead of email. My head is spinning in all sorts of directions and I need to snap out of it to enjoy my s tonight. I also made an appointment w my DB coach for Thursday. My MIL said also she doesn't know what us right or wrong to say to her so I ask for anyone here for some input.
I am really considering confronting OM and tell him how much of a wonderful person he is to help ruin a family. Anyone ever confronted OM ?
Kenva,
Just reading through your post. I can give you some feedback on confronting. I confronted both OM on both of my wife's EA's; one was in person & email (He was a friend of ours), the other was through FB on her account she was chatting with (exbf from past).
I will say this up front; this is not part of DB; this was a personal choice and something I had to do for ME due to MY nature; I will explain in a minute. This is not something to take lightly and I do not advise this; stick to the DB principles. Understand, I went into it as calmly as possible, but had to mentally prepare for worst case scenario; it very well could have been a physical confrontation; was not my intent but the possibility remained:OM#1 - In Person / Email - emailed first; ensured he was abiding by my NC boundary; asked in follow-up to meet in a public place; told him I wanted to talk and bring closure; he accepted. I won't go into a lot of details, but essentially I told him he needed to stop his selfishness and think of the impact their actions was having on two families (he is married too!); the potential devastation to both, and how an honorable man he was suppose to be (he is a public figure here)was setting a bad example. Probably talked down to him like a teenager, but oh well. I could tell by his reaction he was embarrassed; wasn't expecting me to be so calm; actually agreed with what I was saying and said he never had any intentions of taking it further (whatever). I presented the evidence of their chat/text logs from my provider and asked him what he thought would happen if these fell into the "wrong" hands. He didn't have much to say but looked worried; I thanked him for his time and left.
OM#2 - online through wife's FB chat after I busted her and she agreed to NC boundary. She didn't know what to say; was too upset she had hurt me; embarrassed she got caught (again). I already had a draft; showed it to her and she agreed with everything I had written. Basically the same thing; lot's of truth dart items and he needed to take a look at their actions and the effect it would have on the families. It was my wife's decision whether she wanted to destroy her marriage or not, but until that time, he would have NC with her and not to come near my family; I would defend my family unit at all cost. His reply just before being blocked / banned...."Duly noted....it's finished" I took screen shots of everything and saved them in multiple formats.
Now, do I believe these guys? Not any farther than I can throw them. Do I trust her not to make another poor decision? Hell no! I had to invade her privacy again in order to find EA#2 & confront; not something I am proud of and hurt our trust issues even more.
So what was the point? As I said, it's a personal thing for ME; standing up for myself; showing the not just the OM's, but the wife I will not be disrespected and while she continues to live under my roof and is provided & cared for by me, she will honor her vows and the marriage; not only is it disrespectful to me, she is also disrespecting the family and her actions affects all of us, not just her and I.
Did it help me at all? Yes & No; I felt good standing up for myself, but in the end, it was bitter sweet. I gave too much thought to the OM's; rather than be indifferent disregard them as an insignificant symptom and hold wife accountable, I gave up some power base and let them know I was affected.
You can't change what has happened; it still doesn't take away the hurt. The satisfaction was momentary. The memory isn't erased. The wife understands now that I won't tolerate it, but what other message did I send her that she is not telling me or letting show? Does she feel like I am treating her like a child as well and invading her space? Probably!
Take it for what it is worth!
Azagtoth
Thanks Azagtoth. I have calmed down since then and chatted w My coach. I am out of town this weekend w my s and my wife's sister and husband. They have a summer home. Well I guess spring now. Looking forward to an awesome weekend. I text w today to see if she was free on the phone to talk. By the way she doesn't know I'm hanging out with her family this weekend but who cares. She's going to find out anyway. So I told her on the phone instead of emailing and texting like we have been that I can not qualify to buy the house and of course she sounded all chippery. So it went well but I still need to confront her about her friend , who is the lowest human being in the world, that it doesn't sit well with me him giving my s gifts. This is for next week and we have a co parenting appointment next week also.
How does someone keep their resentment level down when being so biter toward spouse ?
"How does someone keep their resentment level down when being so biter toward spouse ?"
It depends what you've been doing for yourself all this time. If all you do is sit around and stew about your situation, your resentment will continue to fester and grow. If, however, you have been growing and learning, you'll see that it's not all just about you and can let go.
I'm keeping busy with work, enjoying my s when I have him and going out. I guess it's because May 2nd is D day. Since its getting closer it hits me every once in a while. Even tho we don't live together I have been doing good. It's tuff being alone after 17 years. I have come to realize its over but what I can't still swallow is the om. And the fact I found out that he got my s a few gifts. I have an appointment this afternoon with our co parenting therapist but I made the appointment for me. I thought about this the other day that how messed up I am to have a DB coach a therapist and being on this board. This is really tough coming down to the wire. Just praying for a little miracle.
51 hours to go and then DIVORCED!!! Never thought in a million years it would come to this. I know it's reality and I am ok with it. Not really. I am doing good w this this week with a few moments. I will be OK. I am more sad than anything. I have my son Friday for a few days and that will cheer me up. I wished and prayed for a better outcome, but these are the cards I was delt.
Just don't know what to do!! Tomorrow is the final day. I have found a storage unit to place my stuff for a while but but for some reason can't get motivated to rent it today and start moving things. Should I wait till tomorrow when it's final or go ahead and start today? I haven't slept in the last couple of days not looking forward to tomorrow but am looking forward to having my s for the week.
the only way to get a job done is to do it. tomorrow will be an emotional day as well. But it is also a beginning. do what you can so that you can enjoy more time with your s.
I am very sorry to hear your news
First day of being divorced!! Doesn't feel any different today from last year. Other than its reality. Still sad today but I do have my s till tues. I look back and see all the hard work I have done the past couple of years from talking to my coach,friends,co parenting therapist,people here,family and even her family. And I want to thank everyone for there input. I have come to realize even tho this is still hard to swallow and now I am labeled as a divorcee that I am a better person and the better person from our marriage. I feel sorry for my ex wife, wow , got to get used to that, that she is the one that is going to miss out. She has a problem w in herself and needs help. Talking to her friends and the OM won't help her. I just wish she had come to reality that what she is living is still a fantasy. I hope and pray that the rest of you out there going thru this can have a better outcome w there relationships. I am divorced now and know that I still have a hard road ahead of me still and know that I still have to work hard at it.
How can someone keep there resentment level down when s tells me this past weekend that they went to a beach cottage w a few people and him telling me he slept in a room by himself and his mother had OM stay in her room. It hasn't been 30 days and the ink isn't dry on the divorce papers and she's doing this in front of him. Our co parenting coach advised us if not doing anything like this so soon. The only one I could talk to about this was her mother. Till this day she still hasn't told her mother we are divorced.