I found out about his affair on January 2nd. We've been married for 7 years and together for 10. Our marriage was great at the beginning; we would talk, do things together, travel, go out. Just few years ago, we decided to start a family. At the same time, my H got injured at work and is still unable to work. e is recently in school and should be finishing in a month. We struggled with infertility and debt, and eventually, pushed each other way. A few months ago, he started sleeping on the couch and I noticed his mood changed. He said he was depressed and I urged him to seek professional help. He was in the middle of exams at school, and he satrted getting busier and not come home right way. He kept saying he had a study group, and I was sure that was the case since he was in mid-terms. The holidays came and everything was just as before, but i still felt he was distant. He was still on the couch.
On January 2nd i decided I'd talk to him again, if we should seek help, and see if he was planning to see a psychiatrist for his own depression. That is when he told me he had an affair; he slept with a girl from his study group twice and said he was confused about us. She was going through a separation with her husband as well. He agreed to go to counseling to see if it could help clear his head as to what he wanted to do. The first week after that first session was awkward, as the counselor said that he should stop talking to her. He "said" he had done so and even asked his teachers to change groups. I backed off and decides to give him space, not ask any questions till our next session, which was this last Friday.
This session was different, as although he said he was still confused, he admitted that he didn't want to give our relationship a try and wanted to be with her. He insisted that he couldn't see how we can fix our relationship..so no more counseling. The next stage would be separation or divorce. Either way, I told him I am not leaving the house and he has nowhere to go either; we couldn't afford to live alone either way. My questions is, do I take the steps to divorce? Do i seek a lawyer, a real estate agent? This is overwhelming because although he said he wants out, he would never take the steps to get out and i can't live with someone who's in love with someone else, as much as i want to save this marriage. What next? I picked up DR on Friday and I'm halfway through the book but I'm uncertain how to apply the techniques when I know he wants out..is there even a chance to save this or do I just give him what he wants?
He insisted that he couldn't see how we can fix our relationship..so no more counseling.
MC usually doesn't help in the case of a WAS, so that's not really surprising. It helps when the couple gets to the "piecing" phase, but not before that.
Either way, I told him I am not leaving the house and he has nowhere to go either; we couldn't afford to live alone either way. My questions is, do I take the steps to divorce?
No, it's way too soon for that. You and he both need lots of time and space to think things through. It's going to be many months before you're in an emotional state that's steady enough for you to decide if you want to pursue D.
Do i seek a lawyer, a real estate agent?
If you have any concerns that your H will do something crazy like drain the bank accounts then consult a L to see what you might need to do do protect yourself.
I picked up DR on Friday and I'm halfway through the book but I'm uncertain how to apply the techniques when I know he wants out
Ummm, well that's what DR is all about, every single one of us is here on these forums because our spouse wants out. Did you read the chapter on "it takes one to tango"? That's the whole idea, one spouse can do things to try and save the M even when the other spouse is 100% "done".
All this is very confusing; and if that was not enough, my emotions are everywhere! I fell like I'm living in turmoil..
I seriously need to learn how to detach..
No, it's way too soon for that. You and he both need lots of time and space to think things through. It's going to be many months before you're in an emotional state that's steady enough for you to decide if you want to pursue D.
Apparently, D is very clear for him..
I was under the impression that if I am to make him believe that I am moving on, and play the "as if", that I should simply let him go, give him what he wants..
So, if I understood correctly, I don't bring it up, act like he never asked for a D, and even if he brings it up again, I simply say "if that's what you want" but do not take any further action..?? huh...
Ummm, well that's what DR is all about, every single one of us is here on these forums because our spouse wants out. Did you read the chapter on "it takes one to tango"? That's the whole idea, one spouse can do things to try and save the M even when the other spouse is 100% "done".
It makes me feel better knowing that I am not alone, and thank you all for your insight!!
There are things you can do and say that can bring him closer and not push him further away. That is the benefit of talking to a DB coach, as they are experts in helping you come up with a specific plan and having someone in your corner guiding you how to stay strong and on track. It is true that there is usually one partner more motivated than the other to make things work. But, hundreds of these couples get back on track and have learned the skills and techniques to have the relationship you both want. I urge you to talk to a coach and get started on the right track. Take good care.
I agree with Karen. Talk to a coach. It helps. a lot.
Yesterday was different..he is being kind and thanking me for everything (supper, making him lunch, taking care of the garbage). I simply say "welcome" and do not engage in further conversation.
His last monologue was "I don't know how my life got this way; I don't want to be one of those guys who goes from girl to girl; I really thought you where the one..". I just listened and then told him that he should really see a doctor for his depression..to which he replied "I find that we are now communicating better"..
What frustrates me is that he is acting like nothing is going on when he's home. He comes home, says "hi, how was your day", sits to watch TV, walks the dog with me.. He once said he didn't want to end it badly like his parents did, he wants to be friends..so I am thinking he is faking all of this till he is done with school in February and then he leaves..!!
This morning he said "the dog looks down, might be the vibe in the house". I felt like screaming "YOU DID THIS", but I just bit my tongue, said "bye" and walked out the door..
I am trying hard to stay busy and keep with my daily routine, while all the time being vague and dismissive (LRT)..but I am also very confused by his behavior; it would be so much easier if he just said, I am filing for D, or planning to move out, or any hint to his future plans..but he doesn't talk about it and I don't bring it up..I just don't want to be surprised in the end and be served or he picks up and leaves..I feel I need to be prepared for that day, and I'm debating just beating him to the punch..leave, see a lawyer, do something, instaed of living in limbo..
Apparently, D is very clear for him..
They all act like that initially, but if you can remove the pressure he may drop it. It's been 5 months since my W said she filed and was bringing the paperwork over "next week". Still haven't gotten anything. Lots of similar stories on these forums.
So, if I understood correctly, I don't bring it up, act like he never asked for a D, and even if he brings it up again, I simply say "if that's what you want" but do not take any further action..?? huh...
Yes, exactly. When you quit talking about it then they don't feel pressure anymore, and they're not in such a hurry to act.
Yesterday was different..he is being kind and thanking me for everything (supper, making him lunch, taking care of the garbage). I simply say "welcome" and do not engage in further conversation.
Good! But we don't call it a roller coaster for nothing, just get ready because he'll swing back and forth a lot.
What frustrates me is that he is acting like nothing is going on when he's home. He comes home, says "hi, how was your day", sits to watch TV, walks the dog with me.. He once said he didn't want to end it badly like his parents did, he wants to be friends..so I am thinking he is faking all of this till he is done with school in February and then he leaves..!!
This too is pretty common. A lot of WAS's will even engage in affairs and still go home to their "regular" life and act like nothing is any different. It's important not to quit DB'ing though, because things are definitely NOT getting better. It's also important not to have any expectations because it'll just lead to disappointment.
I just don't want to be surprised in the end and be served or he picks up and leaves..I feel I need to be prepared for that day, and I'm debating just beating him to the punch..leave, see a lawyer, do something, instaed of living in limbo..
I think most of us can sympathize with that feeling, we feel like we've lost control of our own lives and we feel like we need to take control back again. And you can, by just putting the marriage on the back burner and focusing on YOU. Get out, GAL, work on yourself, give him time and space. Be patient with him and with yourself, you've got plenty of time, so use it
Yesterday might have been different but today got worse...he just texted to tell me he was "staying at a friend's tonight"...I replied "ok"..
I'm lost for words..
Turns out the "friend" was the OW. When he cam home this morning, he calmly told me that she asked him if he wanted to spend the night and he said yes. When I asked why, he said she makes him happy, and he is really confused and depressed right now..I confronted him by saying that I can't be in a marriage between three; he said he could not reply to that, cause he's not sure what is going on in his head or with him no more; he's simply unhappy..I told him he should then seek help, like he said he wanted too instead of using her as a pick me up..
He left again..I'm looking into filing for separation..
Sorry you are her TA. It [censored] a lot when your stability and what you thought was your future gets torn from you.
With respect to filing for separation, please take time to think about what you really want and what you can/will tolerate before you act. If your husband came home tomorrow and said he was sorry for his mistakes, would you take him back? If so, and if you still want to stand for your marriage, then please please please do not file for anything - let him do it if/when thats what he wants or you do it with you are 100% sure that's what you want. By 100% sure, i mean with a rational mind, not an emotional one.
Believe everyone here when they say time is on your side and do not do anything to accelerate the timeline. Even after a D is filed, there is still time. I made the mistake of filing during an emotional time. Both as a tactic to get my wife to re-commit to the marriage. I was emotional and thought I would fire back and take control of my life again. It failed miserably and now we are that much further along. Furthermore, I acted instead of making her responsible for what she wants.
Do not do anything until you are really ready.
Thanks dingo!
After stepping back, I realized that I shouldn't have jumped on him when he came through the door (even though she was waiting outside for him). I might be making excuses for him but I truly believe he's confused. If he "wakes up" and tells me with certainty that he wants to try to see if we can fix the M or whether he wants out (and not because I am forcing him to make a decision), then I will act accordingly.
In the meantime, I am closing myself off, this way I don't get hurt anymore, applying LRT, and slowly start preparing MY future.
Thanks everyone for your words of encouragement! It's hard to hold onto "hope" while trying hard not to get hurt even more.
Well after this morning's debacle, I came home and he wasn't there. He usually takes off to go to work when I get in (works the late shift every other day) but all his stuff was still at home, which means he didn't got to work!! This is turning out to be a nightmare cause if he is now skipping work cause he's depressed (or to spend time with her???) we will be in a financial mess!! I was so worried, i texted to apologize for this morning's outburst (stupid of me!) and make sure he got to work OK, no answer. I'm worried he might hurt himself if he is in a deep depression. But then again, he might not even care that I am worried and he's out on the town with the OW!! I'm going to loose my mind! Don't know what else to do..but re-read the DR chapter on LRT...but my mind is everywhere right now!!
At least ranting here helps relieve some of the pain..
HHang in there TA. It's easier said than done but don't obsess over it. You can't control him. There could be many reasons that he did what he did and don't worry yourself by jumping to conclusions. You'll spin your head in circles trying to figure out why and it won't do any good. You won't know until you know.
On Friday, I decided I would go talk to a social worker we have a work to get some perspective on my situation. Well, she said that I need to find an outlet for all my emotions...so I did.my H! When he told me the news of the affair, his confusion, blah, blah...I took a deep breath and walked away and never did I let him know what I felt or thought (one of my faults is that I am not really affectionate or emotional). So I walked in the house and when he asked me how my session went, I told him. I told him that he hurt me, how I don't understand how he can cheat on me, how he was selfish. I also mentioned that I knew our marriage wasn't perfect but I never went outside our marriage. I set down my boundaries and let him know that
1) I will not tolerate him going out every other night (or skip work) and spending our money on the OW
2) To let me know if he won't be coming home so I can make sure I'll be there to walk and feed the dog in time
3) That I will not live in a threesome, so he needs to cut her off, decide whether he wants to stay, but if he can't stop seeing her, he'll need to leave.
4) Seek help for his depression so he can clear his head and make a decision. He listened and then said, "Ok...I'll stop seeing her, make an app with a psych, and take it from there..."
He spent all of Saturday home, mopping, watching TV, playing video games...I kept busy cleaning, reading, walking...
On Sunday, he works, so I offered to drive him. He said, "You don’t have to although I appreciate it" and I said, “I wouldn't have offered if I didn't want to". Dropped him off at work, and went out for brunch with friends and then I went grocery shopping. He didn’t come home right after work. He’s usually home by 18:00. At 19:30, I sent him a text asking to let me know he’s ok. Nothing. I packed my bags and got ready to call my parents to let them know I was moving in! However, alas, I was acting out of emotion, so I took a deep breath and made supper instead. At 20:44, he replied, “he was on his way home”. He walked in around 21:30, said he was sorry but needed time to think, that he feels that he can’t do that at home cause “everyone” is on top of him and he has trouble keeping focus due to his clinical depression and having to interact with me, the dog, etc . He needed time for him. I just listened and told him that I understood, and that if he needed more space, that he can let me know and I can leave. He said, “No, this is your home too, this is my problem and that that would not be fair to you”. He actually had dinner with me (instead of running to hide in the basement) and unexpectedly, crying, he said, “it hurt my feelings when you said you thought I was faking my depression”. I said, “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, and I honestly do not remember saying that but I know you’re is in turmoil and not faking it”. He said thank you, picked up our dishes and went to the basement. He came up four times to ask if I wanted to go out for a smoke (bad habits come back when you are living in hell!). I joined him twice and walked the dog myself to give him space. We joked, we talked about the Grammy’s and then he asked how my brunch was and how our friends were doing. My best friend is the only one that knows at this time and I told him, that if he’s worried about what our friends thought, no one knows, except my BF and she lived through something similar in the past and respects my decision to try to fix us. He nodded, we said goodnight, and went off to our separate beds.
Today, he works late. He woke up with me because he said he wanted to go see his doctor. Midday, I texted to tell him to “bundle up because it was really cold outside”. I left it open ended, no questions. No answer. We’ll see what tonight holds...
I know I’m doing many things wrong but it has only been a little over two weeks since he told me about the affair and the ILYBINILWY, and possible D...so I’m learning to keep it together and apply everything in the DR book. Any insight on what I should not do again or do instead would be great...
The more you can act like things don't bother you, especially this early in the process, the better off you will be later. Don't make him feel responsible for your emotional state (even if he is the main factor in it).
It sounds like he crossed boundary #2 and got rewarded with a nice dinner. Did he ever say where he was or why he didn't call? This was a sticky subject in my M too so I can sympathize with you. Don't lay down boundaries you aren't willing to enforce. Its a subtle difference but the boundaries are to protect you, not to control him.
Be careful who you tell. He should be careful who he tells as well (though you can't really suggest this to him). The more people on either side that know, the added stress if/when you attempt to reconcile.
I hope you figured out that TA is YOU......
Keep working on YOU is the best advice anyways.
It sounds like he crossed boundary #2 and got rewarded with a nice dinner. Did he ever say where he was or why he didn't call? This was a sticky subject in my M too so I can sympathize with you. Don't lay down boundaries you aren't willing to enforce. Its a subtle difference but the boundaries are to protect you, not to control him.
Ouch! I didn't see that one!
He said he went to a coffee shop, alone, said he was sorry but did not feel like dealing with anyone or anything so shut his phone..
I hope you figured out that TA is YOU......
Keep working on YOU is the best advice anyways.
LOL Cadet! You're right, I didn't realize it was me at first..
Thanks for the encouragement, it means a lot right now!
As for your advice, I am taking time for me now! Brunch with friends, visit family, exercise, I even joined a mediation group!..I feel that all this helps take the attention of him and I'm not as "freaked out" as I was last week..and sleeping/eating much better..
One day at a time..
It sounds like he crossed boundary #2 and got rewarded with a nice dinner. Did he ever say where he was or why he didn't call? This was a sticky subject in my M too so I can sympathize with you. Don't lay down boundaries you aren't willing to enforce. Its a subtle difference but the boundaries are to protect you, not to control him.
Ouch! I didn't see that one!
He said he went to a coffee shop, alone, said he was sorry but did not feel like dealing with anyone or anything so shut his phone..
I don't say this to hurt your feelings but to help you open your eyes. People in affairs will lie about anything and everything to get what they want (the OP). They are frequently compared to drug addicts, alcoholics, etc. I am not saying he was with her or was not but you should at least recognize that he may have been. If you don't enforce boundaries, you lose respect so again, be very careful with what you set and make sure you are willing to enforce it.
Consider it, understand it and then get it out of your head. It doesn't matter what he does, where he goes or who he's with. What matters right now is what you do for you. Easier said than done but its the only thing you can do.
Things are better at the house these past few days. I am calmer and focusing on me, including outings with friends, exercise and looking into a language course (hey, why not?). I know he's still talking and exchanging with the OW but I do not bring it up, I just go on my day like I don't care..detach right?
My H is presently studying to be a massage therapist and asked if I can help him out and sit it for one of his "dummies" this weekend. I accepted. However, this morning, after sleeping on it, I calmly told him that I would help him out if he was in a bind but I did not think that I was comfortable with him "touching" me if he wasn't "into me" and "getting it" somewhere else. He seemed upset/angry and said "fine, don't worry about it, I'll find someone else". He left and did not say bye.
I am not sure I handled that correctly but truth is my bday is this weekend. I made plans to go out with friends, spend the afternoon at the spa, and working MY plans around to accommodate him, frankly, pissed me off. As well as the fact that if you are sleeping with someone else, why don't you ask HER to bail you out? I'm hurt and angry but I think I need to stop "holding onto" him and move forward without him..
Yesterday, he was home sick. He went to the doctor's and needed drugs, so he called me at work to ask if there was money in the account. He knew there was, so I said, "There should be enough money to pay for the medicine". He said, "OK, I wasn't sure". He mentioned that because he was not well that he would be home when I get in, to which I replied "ok". That is it...total 180 since I would have asked "why? Are you not ok to work? Did you call in sick?” Seeing that I told him that I was not going to help him out this weekend, I thought he was not going to talk to me at all. Therefore, I was surprised he called.
When I got home, sure enough, he was there... He asked how my day was, I said “good”. I asked how we was feeling and then he talked; I listened. He explained that the doctor told him he was not only sick but also depressed and that the doc was worried for his safety (suicidal thoughts?) and wanted to get him to a hospital fast but he refused. He said after that he came home and broke down because he now realizes that he really is depressed and it is all becoming real. He said, "Listen, I took the first step (boundary #4)" and he would follow through today to actually see a psychiatrist. He also said he was waiting for dinner to take his medication. He mentioned that he was trying to find someone else to sit in for him this weekend since he did not want me to “do anything out of my comfort zone”. I said, "OK, I'm glad you're looking after you. I don't feel like cooking anything complicated because I wanted to go out and get a library membership, so I'm just making pasta". He went back downstairs. I cooked, I ate, told him there was pasta for him and got ready to go to the library. He came up as I was leaving to ask if I could pick him up some Advil because we run out. I said, it is on my way, so I can stop.
When I came in almost 2 hrs later, he was laying on the couch, watching TV (he's never upstairs...), and said "Oh! You got some books?" “Did you want to sit on the couch?” To which I said, "No, I’m going upstairs to reads my book, the Advil is on the counter”...and never came back down
I am trying hard to distance myself. To do things cause I want to and when. I also try hard not to think about our R or the OW...so I bury my nose in books...picked up Runaway Husbands by Vikki Stark and Everything you need to know about meditation. One step at a time..
My question is, am I doing this right or am I still not beeing “distant” enough? Is there anything else I can do?
Oh I think you're being distant enough, it's maybe even bordering on "cold and indifferent" so be careful. MWD says to detach in DR, but in other books she clarifies to LOVINGLY detach.
Interesting that the doc was worried about his safety. This tells me that they gave him that depression checklist to fill out and that your H indicated on it that he had been thinking about suicide. And not only that, but H must have ranked it pretty high since the doc wanted to admit him right away. I hope your H follows through and sees someone because he is probably going to need A/D's, and quickly.
What all this means for your R is a big question mark, so just keep up your DB'ing. If he starts A/D's it'll be 4-6 weeks before they fully kick in, and even after that there's no predicting whether it will make him more interested in the M or not. Hang in there and be patient!
When I walked in yesterday night, he was not home. However, the kitchen was clean, the dishes were out of the sink, and the dishwasher was going. I thought it was odd, but understood he was home today instead of going to school. He usually gets in a few minutes after me, so I decided to distract myself with preparing dinner rather than just watching the time tick by. He walked in half an hour later, just as I was in the kitchen making a salad. He said "hey!” I replied "hi”. I did not ask where, with who, or what he was up to (180!). He immediately explained that he didn’t not go to school this morning cause he needed to go to the hospital, he said he avoided it all day, and finally only got himself there around three (he showed me a doctor’s note and a prescription form). He said the doctor gave him pills to help him sleep and control his “anger” but did not give him any antidepressants because he wanted him evaluated by a psychologist to whom he got a referral”. I said, “I’m happy you took the first step and got help”. To which he corrected me and said, “Second step, first, was going to the clinic yesterday”. He mentioned he did not stop to pick up the drugs so I offered to drive him to the pharmacy, and he said “sure, after dinner?” We exchanged pleasantries on the way there; we picked up some things like paper tissue, toothbrushes, picked up the drugs and made our way home. It was so odd because it seemed like we were us again, like nothing did happen, and for a moment I got caught up in it...When we got back in, he went back downstairs, I watched TV upstairs, walked the dog, and went to bed...
I am trying not to lose it because he is acting like nothing is wrong, we talk, we laugh, but then I know at night he sleeps in the other room and falls asleep texting her..It is killing me! I feel that I am now making more excuses for him and trying to explain his past and present behavior, and are now wondering, can this really work? Will he see what he is doing? Will he say he wants to work at this soon? I find this self-destructive cause as I was putting all this effort and taking strides to heal the pain, I find myself backpedaling this week, mostly because it has been “nice” around the house. I need to find a way to just accept the fact that this R is over and move forward...
On another note, after some research, the drug that he was prescribed is used to treat certain mental/mood conditions (such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, sudden episodes of mania or depression associated with bipolar disorder). This medication can decrease hallucinations and improve your concentration. It helps you to think more clearly and positively about yourself, feel less nervous, and take a more active part in everyday life. It may also improve your mood, sleep, appetite, and energy level. It can help prevent severe mood swings or decrease how often mood swings occur.” Although his family has a history of clinical depression, I did not think he was bipolar...only time would tell.
I figured that maybe I should seek some IC, or a support group , I can maybe find a way to accept this faster..
I am trying not to lose it because he is acting like nothing is wrong, we talk, we laugh, but then I know at night he sleeps in the other room and falls asleep texting her..
This is called cake eating.
Is there anything you can change here?
Hi Cadet,
I’ve read that “There is only one way to deal with a cake eater and that is to take away the fork and leave”. But what if I can’t? Financially, at least, I am obliged to stay at the house. I thought that detachment (180/LRT) was one way of attacking this. But as AnotherStander pointed out, “I think you're being distant enough, it's maybe even bordering on "cold and indifferent" so be careful”. I am just not sure how to apply what and when..I’m CONFUSED!!
Well I would never leave my home unless a judge ordered me to.
But there are lots of other ways to stop pursuing.
Maybe read up on pursuit and distance.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=714209
Thank you Cadet..a checklist! Love checklists!!
Emotional Level:
• Don't initiate conversation or give advice (even if they asked for the advice, refrain from giving it).
o I never initiate the conversation anymore...i always let him be the one to talk first, I listen, and respond...I don’t want to be cold or mean. So I do laugh when he tries to joke, or ask about him, his day, if he asked me...maybe I should downplay it even more...but themn I think I’ll be rude..therefore, I will need to test this...
• Abstain from trying to change or improve your partner in any way.
o None of that! He is the one being in charge on HIS decisions. Although I will say, “I’m happy he went to see the doctor, for example”...
• Do not seek his emotional support or help with any of your problems, concerns, or worries.
o I might have slipped at the beginning when I needed some validation that we can maybe save the marriage but now, I am the happiest person on earth (or so it appears
!
• Do not look to him as someone to talk to.
o I have my friends for that. Any conversation with H is regarding our dog, and responding to his how was your day?
• If you've been babying him, stop.
o Maybe I have been feeling sorry for him more than babying him...
• Identify whatever you are doing for him, and stop doing it.An example of this is: stop doing his laundry, picking up after him, cooking especially for him, or waiting on or for him.
o I do not do his laundry.
o I do not clean up after him: his bedroom and the basement are filthy!
o I will make supper for myself and double the batch for him (that is ok, right? I do not know how to cook for one! Moreover, is not that mean?)
o I do make his lunches (NO MORE!)
o If he asks, I will drive him somewhere but this has only happened twice...
Stop "keeping the peace". If you have been intervening between him and others, be it children, family or friends, stop doing so.
• He needs to learn how to interact w/others all on his own.
o He actually does not talk to anyone, not his friends, not his family, the only person he is still speaking with is the OW and maybe his classmates cause they need to interact...
Physical Level:
• Do not initiate expressions of affection, such as hugging, kissing and saying "I love you," or "I'll miss you," or asking questions such as "Do you love me?"
o Nope...separate rooms, no affection at all...as per my previous post, I even declined going to play “dummy” to his massage school cause , as I told him, I was not comfortable him touching me when he’s also touching someone else..
• Do not appease your partner sexually any longer.
o Hell, no! He is not getting any of this...
• Do not plan your schedule around his, and do not do things for him.
o I schedule my time for myself but I should stop making his lunches and “driving” him...
• This is not the time for a romantic vacation or second honeymoon.
o Yeah, right!
• If he spends his spare time at home, arrange to be out while he is there.
o It’s kind of hard to always find something to do everynight1 I’ll go for a walk one night, to the library the next...but I can’t always be ouit cause he’s home, right?
• Do things with family and friends or by yourself.
o I see my friends, coffee, dinner, or go out alone, just to get out...
• In short, do as little as possible for him or with him, with the goal of doing absolutely nothing.
o Ok, will start implementing ASAP
My concern right now is that he has mentioned that I always seem like I don't care, that I am not affectionate enough towards him. He also said early on that "he wished I'd get and, to show that I care". Besides my one little outburst, I have not pursued, begged, pleaded, or tried to reason. I went straight into the LRT as soon as he told me about the A. I am sure that this OW is fulfilling something emotional more than physical so I'm worried that by applying the above, I am only pushing him away further..I know that it's seems counter intuitive and I should do so anyways..
Don't overthink this, like AS said don't run the risk of being cold because that's what you were 'told' will work. Truth is there are people on this site that are 'VETS' and they are single and they followed the letter of the law to the fullest. Do what works for you and your sitch.
Ooohh .. "over-thinking" is my middle name..I over-think everything! Commercials, movies, dinner..I'm a planner and a doer, so right now, I feel like I need to do something to "fix" this or try to understand it ..but I am also using all this energy to do things for ME..I picked up a book and signed up for a mediation challenge, let's hope that helps ease my mind...
But you are right! Maybe I should just do what feels right in the moment, trust my level of comfort and boundaries and take it day by day..
Thanks for that Completelylost..
I agree with CL. Everyone here will offer advice and most of it is very wise but the best advice is to try different things, discard what doesnt give you the results you want and keep doing what does. Every situation is different. Make sure you keep control of your emotions. Another saying that's common around here is 'the person who can keep their emotions in check always has the upper hand.'
Hi TA - I struggle, too, with doing too much for my H vs. being cold/punishing/vindictive and the ideal spot between those two extremes. I over-think a lot as well and often wonder if me doing or not doing something is being "too nice," or just being polite, since it sounds like we should still be polite! My "measuring stick" questions, so to speak, that help me with these decisions are "is what I'm doing something I would do anyway? if H fell off the face of the earth would I still do it?" With the example you gave above about dinner, if you're cooking dinner that you want, when you want, and there's extra, by all means he can have it! But I don't go out of my way to ask him what he'd like, or wait until he gets home to see if he'll want it, etc. It's always something I'm doing anyway, and if he happens to want in on whatever it is, fine, but I'm still doing it! You wouldn't be making him lunches if he fell off the face of the earth : ) I'm trying to think of my H like a random college roommate - I should be polite and cooperative so that we can live together comfortably, but don't really consider him when I make plans for myself.
Hang in there! I'm right there with you on how tough it is to live with your H and have no idea if they're in, out, or still thinking about it.
Thanks all! It's nice to know that I'm not the only one struggling with these questions and situations!
Overall, this week has been good. I mean, he has been trying hard to meet all the "boundaries" I set. He has been home every day this week (at least physically). We've talked and I've been acting positive and happy, as I would with any "roommate". No extra efforts...
Yesterday, I took off in the evening to grab a cup of coffee alone and read a book at the local coffee shop. There were people laughing, couples talking, I thought I was going to have a meltdown but finished my coffee (stayed about 45 minutes) and returned home. He asked if I had fun, and I could feel the tears swell up. He asked what's wrong. I said, nothing" but he insisted. So I said, “it was hard for me to do that and be around people that are genuinely happy". He bowed his head, let out a sigh...OOOPS!! I said, "But I'm ok! I'm good, I did what I set out to accomplish"...he seemed to relax and the rest of the evening was ok. He came out with me when I took the dog for a walk. He initiated conversation about his mental health while I listened. Up and down the stairs he would come and go either to smoke, get a drink, etc. I watched TV quietly and then went to bed.
This morning I expected him to be out when I woke up. He hasn't seen the OW all week...I'm sure they talk and text but I find it odd. He seems to be living in that basement. Spends all day/night playing video games. He has stopped doing any chores around the house but I don’t bring that up and do them myself, mind because I would do them for myself
Thanks all! It's nice to know that I'm not the only one struggling with these questions and situations!
Overall, this week has been good. I mean, he has been trying hard to meet all the "boundaries" I set. He has been home every day this week (at least physically). We've talked and I've been acting positive and happy, as I would with any "roommate". No extra efforts...
Yesterday, I took off in the evening to grab a cup of coffee alone and read a book at the local coffee shop. There were people laughing, couples talking, I thought I was going to have a meltdown but finished my coffee (stayed about 45 minutes) and returned home. He asked if I had fun, and I could feel the tears swell up. He asked what's wrong. I said, “nothing" but he insisted (and I fell for it). So I said, “it was hard for me to do that, go out for coffee alone, and be around people that are genuinely happy". He bowed his head, let out a sigh...OOOPS!! I said, "But I'm ok! I'm good, I did what I set out to accomplish"...he seemed to relax and the rest of the evening was ok. He came out with me when I took the dog for a walk. He initiated conversation about his mental health while I listened. Up and down the stairs he would come and go either to smoke, get a drink, etc. I watched TV quietly and then went to bed.
This morning I expected him to be out when I woke up. He hasn't seen the OW all week...I'm sure they talk and text but I find it odd. He seems to be living in that basement. Spends all day/night playing video games. He has stopped doing any chores around the house but I don’t bring that up and do them myself, i don't mind because I would do them for myself and I know he can't do them right now (doc said he might be bipolar, he's seeing a specialist next week)..
My bday is tomorrow. I have plans tonight, and I'm fully booked tomorrow...haven't said anything and don't plan to unless he asks...I was a little sad this morning thinking that it's been a month since my world collapsed, and all the things I set out to accomplish this year involved "us". I guess I'll have to take some time and see what I plan to accomplish for me this year... unfortunately, having a baby can't be done solo! Lol! And that is the one thing I have the most trouble accepting...I was to be pregnant by now!! I guess all things happen for a reason and I'm glad we don't have kids while I go through this...taking care of the dog is enough for me! lol! I commend all mothers out there and bow to them for their strength if they are living through this...
TA,
Happy Birthday early!!
Your previous post struck a chord with me. I, like you, had big plans for "us" this year as well as last actually but S and W put an end to last year.
I have no proof but have suspicions about EA/PA.
Next week will be tough for me Because our troubles came to light last year the day after I finally asked my W to have a baby with me. I thought everything would be great till I got the "roommate" talk. After all it was her that always wanted kids. I did too but I was stupid about and thought we had to wait till debt was lower. I really needed a 2 x 4 on this about 10 years ago but I was an a$$. If she would have agreed to a baby next week would have been full term date.
In the two or three R talks she initiated I reconfirmed my desire to have a baby with W. She kept saying why couldn't I have told her sooner? I really didn't know the answer till I moved back home. I told her why I thought I didn't tell her sooner but I am sure she was not believing a word of it.
The only thing that is a "saving grace" if there is such a thing in all this is I asked her before troubles came to light so she knows I am not just saying this to get her to come back.
She admitted back in Aug her desire to still have a family. I backslid and told her it is right here waiting for her. All she said was "Its too late, why couldn't you tell me sooner and you are just telling me what I want to hear."
I have not brought the subject up since but I hope I am able to put on a Happy face and have a PMA through next week.
I apologize for talking about myself in this post. I started writing before I caught up on your sitch. I am going back to read it now.
I woke up this morning (it's my bday!)from a dream; I'll spare you the details but I was dreaming of having s@X with my H. It felt real and caught me of guard when I realized it wasn't real..but I did not let that ruin my day, I did not cry or stay in bed miserable..I got busy...
Got downstairs, brewed coffee, he said "hey, happy bday!". I said "thanks". He was watching TV so I went upstairs to read a book. Soon , I'm off to my parents for lunch ( I don't know how I will survive that, they don't know my situation yet..) and then I have dinner plans with my best friend and her family. I peeked out the window and realized I need to shovel. I took the dog out and upon my return, H was out there doing the work. I said thanks, grabbed a second shovel and helped..and the rest of the morning was good.
I think I might be having trouble with rule below:
"When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative."
He talks, I listen but then he engages me in conversations. He finishes his sentences with "no?". So I reply but feel myself getting caught up but don't know how to stop talking!! It's like I forget it all, and I'm telling him "it's ok", or "it will get better", like I'm comforting him. I always do that! and then it feels like we are together again, talking, laughing..i NEED to stop that! But at the same time, he's said how I wasn't attentive or affectionate..but I am not sure how to show him I am without breaking the "rules"? Any input?
He talks, I listen but then he engages me in conversations. He finishes his sentences with "no?". So I reply but feel myself getting caught up but don't know how to stop talking!! It's like I forget it all, and I'm telling him "it's ok", or "it will get better", like I'm comforting him. I always do that! and then it feels like we are together again, talking, laughing..i NEED to stop that! But at the same time, he's said how I wasn't attentive or affectionate..but I am not sure how to show him I am without breaking the "rules"? Any input?
Any input??
I am not the best person to give advice on this because like you I also have a problem with over talking.
It depends what the topic is. If H is sharing his feelings with you it is ok listen and then validate those feelings I believe.
If is it just small talk be conscious of what you are saying and then think of something else to do and go do it.
You can always come back later and see if he wants to talk but this way it lets H know that you are not following him around or just standing there thinking of things to say.
Don't know if this helps.
If is it just small talk be conscious of what you are saying and then think of something else to do and go do it.
Good point!
Well this weekend was my birthday. I had dinner plans with a friend on Saturday night. Lunch at my parents on Sunday and then dinner with a friend and her family on Sunday night. I kept busy!
What annoyed me about H was his aloofness about it all. He kept saying, “Have fun!”, “It’s good for you to get out”. When I would get back, he would rush up to ask, “Did you have fun?” When I was home, he would be super nice, ask me if I wanted a cup of coffee or if he can run out and buy me some soft drink, or to step out for a smoke with him, every time he went out. If I turned him down (happened twice), he would say, “You don’t have to? I was just asking” with a tone, catching himself and then say, “sorry, I’m not mad...” Right after BD, I would do all the household chores. I acted as if he was not there and did not ask for help. As of Saturday, he is chipping in, feeding the animals, and taking the dog out, shoveling snow (??). I attributed his lack of motivation to his depression. However, this weekend was different. He was more “up”, involved, and curious. I do not know if he is doing this because he is trying to be nice or if he feels that if he IS nice, the blow will be less to my ego. Agghh!! So frustrating! I know I should not worry about what he does or why but sometimes, I wish I was a mind reader...
I should keep my guard up cause when there is a high, there should be another low. Right now, I am trying hard not to get too comfortable or caught up in it all, because I really believe there is an ulterior motive for all this…
It is possible that the meds might be kicking in as well. I just wanted to point out that there is a difference between lovingly detaching and going dark (LRT). It is my understanding that LRT should only be employed when a is inevitable. It seems to me that S is in the table for you but he doesn't quite have one foot out the door just yet. He doesn't seem to have a plan or resources not has he taken any steps to make it happen besides telling you it is what he wants. Time is on your side right now.
He seems confused. Being cold and going dark will probably make his choice easier, but not in the way you want it to be. Stay positive, enjoy your life, and don't let him bring you down ;especially not in front if him. When I had a moment if weakness I would drive around until I felt positive again. I tried hard to only let him see me when I was happy and light.
He knows where you stand, now let it go. Stop worrying about the future (trust me this is easier said then done and better some days then others) but prepare yourself for either situation. You do this by being true to yourself. Don't go out if your way to so things for him or to be available to him but that doesn't mean you should cut yourself off from him. If he needs a ride and it is convenient for you to do so then go ahead and do it. But if you planned to do something that would make it inconvenient for you then he will need to find an alternative or wait until it is a better time for you. The more you GAL the more inconvenient it will be for you to do things for him.
Work on you. You told him you are willing to work on this if he wants to but you aren't going to beg plead or try to make things turn out your way. Now you can drop it. Let him figure things out and you work on you. The fact that he is suffering from mental illness makes it even more essential that you need to lovingly detach. He probably is incapable of working on any sort of R until he gets that under control and there is nothing you can do to make it happen. Be supportive the way a friendly neighbor would. Listen, validate, and live your own life. Don't get sucked into his right now.
My sitch is somewhat similar to yours (though no A) and we are no longer considering S, although I have come to realize that his mental state is still an issue. I changed the way I approach it and continue to detach with love but also be supportive when needed. We are beginning to really connect but it is still a work in progress. One thing I realized is that his happiness is not my fault and it isn't under my control so I have to let it go and focus on my own happiness until he gets it sorted out.
I m glad S is off the table for you MS.
I am living back at home but still S and just waiting to see what her next move is, but I am not letting myself worry about it as much as I can.
I have suspicions of an A but nothing concrete and I have not asked because it is not necessarily a dealbreaker.
My W has said no to counseling of any type so that makes it a little tough.
I just keep trying to follow DB principles and Praying W sees all that Im doing for myself is working and will stick. She has mentioned the things I am doing so she knows but she is not happy about it. Im sure it is the "why now, and not before" question that is troubling her
I think your advice^^^ is very sound.
My post should say "his UNhappiness is not my fault" iPhone typing is not my strong suit. Also I wanted to clarify that being cold could push him away but so will pursuing. The last thing he wants is to feel pressured to make a choice before he is ready and chances are the one who is putting pressure on him will be the one he runs away from. That's why you really have to let go of the need to know what will happen right now. I know it is scary, that uncertainty, but if you just trust that things will work out for the best then you can put all your attention into working in you.
Thank you Musterseed.
I just wanted to point out that there is a difference between lovingly detaching and going dark (LRT).
In my case, where there is an A and OW in the picture, I would think that LRT makes more sense as opposed to lovingly detaching. But then again, given his current mental health, maybe lovingly detaching is a better option?
Also I wanted to clarify that being cold could push him away but so will pursuing. The last thing he wants is to feel pressured to make a choice before he is ready and chances are the one who is putting pressure on him will be the one he runs away from.
I am in no way pushy or cold, my issue is maybe that I am being to “understanding” right now…
I read many threads which discuss how to lovingly detach but then there are others who say that "tough love" is the only way to go when he is involved in an A. To me, tough love, means that I will need to be cold and distant with him. Any insight?
That's why you really have to let go of the need to know what will happen right now. I know it is scary, that uncertainty, but if you just trust that things will work out for the best then you can put all your attention into working in you.
I don’t know how to work on me, really. I am not sure what that all means..
Read DR if you haven't yet or reread it
It gives you very good examples of how to do things that will improve you for YOU and eventually become 2nd nature.
This way regardless if the your M is saved or not, you are a better person and will feel better about yourself no matter the outcome.
You want to become a person only a fool would walk away from.
I'll be honest and say that I never read the book till the end. It's hard. I flip over from the 180 section to the LRT section and then to Chapter 10 on infidelity. I read and reread Sandi's rules, and constantly go through the threads here for motivation/inspiration. I think I have to start on page 1 tonight and take it from there..
TA, Yes do that it will help immensely. This Forum is based upon the techniques. They don't always work but at least while this roller coaster is going on it gives some guidance.
They really help you look at yourself. The biggest thing for me was realizing that no matter what I can only control myself not what my W does. Also, that even though I had a part in my M failing it is not completely my fault. If the W choses to look outside the M for someone else that is her choice I did not push or force her into it.
And the biggest thing is no matter what happens you will be a stronger more independent person on the other side of this mess with or without your WAS. It gives the control back to YOU for YOUR life.
I have a difficult time with some of these things also you are not alone in that respect but if we can take advice from the vets and apply to our individual sitches we are much better off then if we did nothing.
I look at it this way, back in Aug and again in Oct, My W told me I know you haven't accepted this yet and I have had thoughts of D for awhile.
I told her I agree that our old M is over but I am standing for our new M. If it does not work out I will be just fine no matter what.
I know this to be true because I have worked hard on myself to become a Man that any woman would be a fool to walk away from. I am not there yet but compared to 7 months ago. Wow, do I feel different.
TBH that is why I even attempted to move back because I knew I was going to be able to handle it. Had I done it sooner I don't think I would have been able to cope as well as I am.
Also, I feel I am now ahead of the W in this respect, IMHO she has done nothing but think of the negatives of being M to me, I have gotten help where I think I need it. I am doing things again that I gave up because I was M. I am starting to do things that I have always wanted to do but didn't because I was M.
It does not change the fact that I still love my W and want to stay M to her. She has seen some of this stuff happening and has commented to me about it. Mostly in the negative because she thinks its too late and why now and not before. The answer I give is thanks for noticing that I am doing these things for myself.
When it hurts too much to see her walking around the house ignoring me I go out or I go to my room and close the door.
I try some 180's they seem to work although the 180's make me wonder if they are actually working or if the W feels some guilt and that is why she does some of the things that have changed since our S.
I see that you have read all the excellent suggestions of the online community. I know you intend to re-read the Divorce Remedy. I strongly suggest that you also speak to a Divorce Busting Coach.
We specialize in helping you focus on your marriage goals and getting your marriage back on track. Having the support and expertise of a DB coach will make a difference. Call me to discuss our Coaching Program 303-444-7004
My post was more in response to the seemingly mixed messages that might be confusing. I was confused to and I am sure a DB coach would help you better navigate. However, the point I hoped to make was some suggestions seen to relate more to "going dark" which is part of the LRT, and others are regarding detachment. In the book Michelle makes it clear that LRT is for when it is pretty much over. From what you have posted I get the sense that he is still unsure. Leaning toward S but not quite sure.
I think that before going dark healthy detachment should come first either way. Be a friendly neighbor to him but live your life for you. Throw yourself into work, hobbies, social events, anything. Date yourself. I see you are already doing some GAL. Whenever you find yourself trying to figure him out go find something to do to take your mind off of him. This part is about you. You aren't trying to make him miss you (though that might happen). You aren't trying to punish him (though you no longer should be making things easy for him). Definitely read DR. And books in codependency would also be useful, especially since you are dealing with someone with depression. It is easy to get sucked into their darkness.
The A to me sounds like a symptom. I know it must hurt immensely but try not to think about it. She won't make him happy. She's a distraction. Keep yourself busy so you don't have time to think about it.
I just got a text: "I'm OK, I'm not coming home tonight. I'll be home in the morning". I texted back saying "Should I walk the dog in the morning?". He replied, no, I should be home by 9". Which means, no work ..again..he was supposed to be at work this evening. He probably is hooking up with the OW tonight.
I know I shouldn't ask where he was today or what he plans to do tomorrow but his behavior is putting our financial stability in jeopardy. I don't know what to do??
OK, so I am thinking that if he is home tonight, that I would talk to him or at least bring up the fact that he crossed the line and did not respect my boundaries. I feel that he needs to know that I strongly believe that he should go to school/work. That his actions are jeopardizing our finances. I also think he should know that although I appreciated him letting me know when he's not coming home, that I cannot accept him being with someone else and don't like being treated like a doormat. Should I discuss this with him?
Or shall i just ignore it and just start planning to leave, not letting him know of my decision..
From what you have posted I get the sense that he is still unsure. Leaning toward S but not quite sure.
I am not sure about that. He's with her when they can be. I think he really wants to be with the OW but financially, he can't. Moreover, she still lives with her ex cause she doesn't work. So, when her friend is out of town, they use her place (like yesterday night)..In my twisted mind, I'm thinking that they are waiting for school (it's where they met) to finish end of this month, get jobs, and take off! Which will leave me in a financial mess..hence my paranoia and my need to get out FAST!
Guess what? He never came home yesterday. That's two nights in a row. The first night, he texted to let me know. Yesterday, I got nothing. Oddly, I didn't care..it was nice to have the space to myself. I made dinner, took the dog out, went grocery shopping and came home and watched TV till bed.
It's when I got to bed that I tried hard to shut my mind. I started wondering, what have I done to deserve this? Is it really that bad here that he doesn't even want to comer home? or even talk to me?
Then I rationalized that obviously, being away from his troubles, bills, mortgage, responsibilities, consequences, with an OW who comes with no burdens or attachments IS a better life. It's a vacation, and escape..I wonder if this has something to do with his mental health?
Well, enough about him! I, on the other hand, had a nice evening and had a chance to think "what do I want?". Truth is, I don't want all this! This is not who I want to spend the rest of my life with regardless if being alone, childless, etc scares me. If he is not capable of making rational decisions, than I will have to take matters into my own hands and get myself out of this crazy situation..now, where to start..
TA how are you doing? Wanted to check in on a fellow "live-in"
Your last post sounded like you were thinking of taking some sort of action....?
Hi KGirl
I decided that for my own sanity, I should just let it go! If he wants to leave, get a divorce, then let him go ahead.. If he wants to be with her, go ahead! I act as if I am living alone and facing the situation alone. I make my own dinner, do my own laundry, buy my own groceries, go out with my friends and keep busy. I “try” not to focus on his actions, his behavior, cause he is NOT my H! I put boundaries in place a while back, and he did not respect any of them..I told him where I stand, he does not want to be with me, so I need to accept that..so I put MY plan in motion and I am going to leave and start new, alone.. I called the realtor, I packed most of my stuff (stashing it at my parents for now), and the house will be up for sale before the end of the week. Next step is seeing a lawyer but finding one is more challenging than I thought.. I told my parents, my friends, a coworker..it helps knowing I have support..
Don’t get me wrong, it is very hard, and I have bad days and good days …but I have put Sandy’s rules in motion (at least most of the time..I did have a breakdown, crying like a child, packing my wedding pictures in front of him) but I need to do this to heal from the lies, infidelity, and start afresh..if my marriage was meant to be, then he will have to win me back..
I know what he says are lies, lies, lies but they hurt nevertheless…a week ago, he just spurted “ I don’t mean to hurt you but you know that I WILL end up with HER”, “our relationship was DEAD a long time ago, you just failed to notice”, “we are toxic to each other”...I simply acknowledge and walk away. Funny thing is, the more I pull back, the more he comes full force…there was once or twice I noticed he’d been crying; he even mentioned once that “he needs to get over the guilt” but has made no other attempt to “talk”; actually, he just turns to HER..therefore, I need to go on, live my life, try hard to just move forward..and the only way I can do that is by letting him go...
Just wanted to clarify that he was the one who first contacted the real estate agent, I just followed through.
On Tuesday night, he was not home when I got in, so I expected he would not be coming home. It has been over a week since he slept over the OW's place (her husband must be home...), so I naturally made dinner for one and sat back to watch TV. He came home around 8 pm, telling me he was in school re-taking an exam he failed. I said, "Oh, I must have misunderstood, I thought the exam was at 1:00 pm. He asked, "what's for dinner?” I replied, "I made some perogies and salad for myself, I didn't know you'd be home tonight."...he made a sandwich and stomped downstairs.
The next day, the realtor came by and placed the sign on the front lawn. As we do not talk unless we are home together, I was taken aback but kept it together. I noticed “someone else” was over my house today as there was a bottle of soft drink and little Debbie cakes (??), which my H does not usually eat. I have asked him not to bring the OW over but I cannot control what he does when I am not home, so I brushed it away... (Very proud of me, no breakdown!)
H was at work that night. He called around 7 pm to say, "I guess you noticed the agent came by. He asked about taxes, and I did not know where to get this info, so can you email him back? (H is not involved in finances at all!). I said "Sure". He added, "I will be home tonight, it would be nice if I had some dinner.” I said, "Yes, sorry I misunderstood, dinner is already made for you".
He came home at 10 pm from work (on time), and said:"Hi!” thanks for dinner" as he grabbed his plate and walked away. I replied, “welcome...goodnight", and went to bed.
I do not think I did anything wrong although he still seems upset at me. On the other hand, I should not overanalyze his behavior but living with him until I get to leave, is torture...
My concern is his family still contacts me whether by phone or text. I was close with his sister and she checks in on me every other day to see “how I’m dealing” or “if I need to talk”. Before, all this, as she was also separated, I found comfort in talking to her because she understood... Her mother was also ‘abandoned’ by her former H who left her for the OW. Therefore, she has actually lived through it! I do not talk to the mom anymore but remain pleasant when she calls the house cause I think she is having a real hard time with all this, brings back memories she says (Like father like son, I say..lol). My question is: Do I tell them to stop calling me because I need space or time to heal? I know Sandy says not to contact his family but they are the ones calling me. WHAT DO I DO?
TipAnna, after reading your situation, I agree we are in similar situations. There are some parts here though that catch me. I am relatively new here as well so I am just wondering I guess. Why is it your job to make him food? I ask because I cant get my WAW to eat, lol. What I mean is I have offered in the past few weeks, and she turns it down. I was the cook in our house. She does not like to. I know more recently when I buy groceries, I buy what I like. I no longer buy her foods. That is up to her. If she wants to eat poorly, that's not my responsibility. I saw what I was doing as pursuing her. I was still "caretaking." Whats' for dinner? A big dose of reality for him. What I have been doing is making these great meals for myself. When she gets home, she just eats cereal. That's her choice. My cooking, is part of the package. If he wants out, than he needs to understand what that will mean. Now anyone correct me if this is wrong, this is just my OP.
I said "Sure". He added, "I will be home tonight, it would be nice if I had some dinner.” I said, "Yes, sorry I misunderstood, dinner is already made for you".
I just want to also say it, because when it has been said to me it feels good. You are not alone. I am struggling with living with my W, who goes out overnight with OM. It is one of the hardest periods of my life. Part because you are there, in the house. I have our wedding pics all over, starring at me. I am not packing, but I have been simplifying my possessions. Doing some "spring cleaning" I guess. My other motive with it is that it will be easier for me to move. I also sit in Limbo as far as M goes. Waiting for her to decide our future. I can only work on me. Also when I feel that way, like I cant handle her being here, that's one of my times to go do something somewhere else. Even another room. It has given some space from where the comments were made, and from them. Even if I just go to the bedroom and read.
I do not think I did anything wrong although he still seems upset at me. On the other hand, I should not overanalyze his behavior but living with him until I get to leave, is torture...
The last part of what you said about his family. that also seems odd to me. I mean, my Step family, dropped me so fast. I was shocked. All the years of them saying how much they loved me, how I was such a big part of the family. Just stopped cold. Just before the bomb dropped, I had confided in her mother that I was worried about her. She was not very worried. Although pretty positive her family does not know about the A. But that was it no talking afterward. I have thought about calling the mom, but have decided there would be no benefit. I had initially though because I think that's what families do. If one person is hurting, they should pull together to help that person. However, I see now that was more of an act for them. So, I find it interesting that they do want to make contact with you. you could interpret that a number of ways. I understand they have 1st hand exp, but it still seems odd.
In my OP, it could be a good thing. Does he also talk to them? Or in the past was he communicating with them often? I know what your plans are and what your doing should not be talked about with them as it would be similar to you telling H what your doing. But when they call what do you tell them when they ask how your doing, etc? I might suggest if you have not already, positive things you are doing. I don't think it would be good to severe that line of communication, at least not right now. I think because the future is uncertain, and the benefits, or repercussions of that change are pretty uncertain.
My concern is his family still contacts me whether by phone or text. I was close with his sister and she checks in on me every other day to see “how I’m dealing” or “if I need to talk”. Before, all this, as she was also separated, I found comfort in talking to her because she understood... Her mother was also ‘abandoned’ by her former H who left her for the OW. Therefore, she has actually lived through it! I do not talk to the mom anymore but remain pleasant when she calls the house cause I think she is having a real hard time with all this, brings back memories she says (Like father like son, I say..lol). My question is: Do I tell them to stop calling me because I need space or time to heal? I know Sandy says not to contact his family but they are the ones calling me. WHAT DO I DO?
I just want to add that I am sorry. As you said on my thread, Keep strong! I feel like the only control we have is over ourselves and what we do. Those times that are harder than the rest, your still here. Someone told me to think about how I felt when the bomb dropped. I'll tell you, I felt hopeless, but we are still here. We all made it through a bomb drop here. I mean that is part of why I keep coming back here. Everywhere else I have looked, ppl have opinions, but don't know first hand. This has been the one place, they do know. you, me, others here, know exactly how this feels, and for most, it is fresh in our minds. Just keep getting yourself back to right now, this moment. No planning, just what is next right this moment. I know I am new, and a bit wordy, lol, but I share your feelings and it hits home.
TipAnna, I sympathize about your situation. It sounds like your H, despite comments to the contrary, is intentionally trying to hurt you and make you feel pain. The fact that he keeps coming at you when u attempt to walk away can attest to this. If he really was not out to hurt you he would say his impulsive comments and then when u walk away leave it at that. UNLESS in some bizarre way he's looking to communicate with you and just don't know how to do it, because it seems like in the beginning he was being like a child using the affair and depression to get your attention. I am clinically (diagnosed) depressed and I don't act out like that. When you didn't notice his "woe with me" the way he anticipated he turns that into rejection and projects that as hate to you. Regardless I think you are handling this with class.
One thing more, if it IS hate, can you think of any reason or any event in your past that made him feel this way? Did the lack of affection or emotion, admittedly shown by you, in the past affect your sex life?
Hate is a strong word. Bitterness is better.
Why is it your job to make him food? I ask because I cant get my WAW to eat, lol. What I mean is I have offered in the past few weeks, and she turns it down. I was the cook in our house. She does not like to. I know more recently when I buy groceries, I buy what I like. [….] I was still "caretaking." ...
I agree that it is not my job to make him food. I make MY dinner and if there are leftovers (after packing my lunch), he can have them. This is my way of detaching but not coming off as cold. I do not go out of my way to do his groceries or cook his favorite meals; I just simply do things that I would do for myself normally, like cook dinner (yes, I am the cook). Seeing that he has mentioned that I was not affectionate enough, I figured that I am comfortable letting him have my leftovers (if there are any) rather than acting as if he is not there...
I said "Sure". He added, "I will be home tonight, it would be nice if I had some dinner.” I said, "Yes, sorry I misunderstood, dinner is already made for you".
In the situation above, if there were no leftovers, then he’s have a PB sandwich like most nights of the week...make sense?
You are not alone. I am struggling with living with my W, who goes out overnight with OM. It is one of the hardest periods of my life. Part because you are there, in the house. I have our wedding pics all over, starring at me. […] I also sit in Limbo as far as M goes. Waiting for her to decide our future. ".
Thank you! It does feel nice to know that I am not the only one out there. As for living in limbo, that is not my situation anymore. At least, I do not tell myself that. He made his choice and has not attempted to reconcile; he tells me that regardless of the OW, our marriage is over. Therefore, I take it as he wants out, so I am doing things for myself to accept his decision and be better be prepared for that day where he does leave...
Although pretty positive her family does not know about the A. […]. So, I find it interesting that they do want to make contact with you. you could interpret that a number of ways. […] In my OP, it could be a good thing. Does he also talk to them? Or in the past was he communicating with them often? I know what your plans are and what your doing should not be talked about with them as it would be similar to you telling H what your doing. But when they call what do you tell them when they ask how your doing, etc? I might suggest if you have not already, positive things you are doing. I don't think it would be good to severe that line of communication, at least not right now. I think because the future is uncertain, and the benefits or repercussions of that change are pretty uncertain.
The family knows about the affair. He called and told them the day he dropped the bomb on me. They did not take it well at the time and it was only last week that he spoke to them again (a month later). Truth is he only became closer to his family a few years after we met. He only made more frequent contact and actual visits to his mom and sister when I came into the picture. His father only came back into his life a few years ago, after a 20-year absence. I agree that I should not be spilling my guts out to his family but they call, daily, to ask how I’m doing or feeling, to tell me "I know this is hard”...i hjust don’t know how to go about telling them that I am not comfortable sharing these things with them seeing that they are HIS family..
I just want to add that I am sorry. As you said on my thread, Keep strong! I feel like the only control we have is over ourselves and what we do. Those times that are harder than the rest, your still here. Someone told me to think about how I felt when the bomb dropped. I'll tell you, I felt hopeless, but we are still here. We all made it through a bomb drop here. I mean that is part of why I keep coming back here. Everywhere else I have looked, ppl have opinions, but don't know first hand. This has been the one place, they do know. you, me, others here, know exactly how this feels, and for most, it is fresh in our minds. Just keep getting yourself back to right now, this moment. No planning, just what is next right this moment. I know I am new, and a bit wordy, lol, but I share your feelings and it hits home. [/quote]
I appreciate it! I always was the strong one, the go-getter, the planner, so this “tsunami” that hit me is not as easy to manage as I thought. I try so hard to make it seem that it’s all good and ok, that I’ll be better off but truth is I am detaching and now I’m at the phase where I miss him..like he was already gone...make sense?
[…] UNLESS in some bizarre way he's looking to communicate with you and just don't know how to do it, because it seems like in the beginning he was being like a child using the affair and depression to get your attention. I am clinically (diagnosed) depressed and I don't act out like that. When you didn't notice his "woe with me" the way he anticipated he turns that into rejection and projects that as hate to you. Regardless I think you are handling this with class.
At the beginning, I do belive he would do this to get a reaction out of me. Maybe I was playing the “as if” role a little too well. That’s when I realized, after reading through the threads, that maybe I’m beeingbtoo cold rather than just “lovomngly” detaching. So I found a balance. Things are better at the house since then; he does not seem as angry anymore.
One thing more, if it IS hate, can you think of any reason or any event in your past that made him feel this way? Did the lack of affection or emotion, admittedly shown by you, in the past affect your sex life?
He has been angry all his life really. His family history explains a lot of this anger, at least his doctor seems to think so. Broken family, abandonment issues , lack of father in his life, More recently, he’s lost his job. So yes, his anger has been there forever but I was always the one who could calm him down...now I am the one “getting it”. Our sex life did “collapse” quickly seeing that we struggled with infertility for almost two years. There where issues there, and I admit, that communication lacked which in turn affected our marriage. I know that my controlling nature and lack of “appreciation/emotion” did contribute to the breakdown of my M. These are my 180s. Vocalize or show my appreciation more; I say “thank you” and “I appreciate” a lot more to him now. He even mentioned it a few weeks ago, that “we are communicating better now”. . I am also working hard on my control issues, and learning to let things go...mediation has helped tremendously! People tell me how more relaxed I seem.
So in all, I am doing things to better myself and in turn, maybe better my relationships with others...
Yesterday, we had two visits to see the house. The second visit seemed very positive, at least, that is what H said as he stayed behind with the realtor while I took the dog at my parents for a visit. When I got home, we walked the dog together. He spoke about his plans to leave the province once the house sells, that he wants to save money before doing so, etc...No talk of the OW though. He said that selling our house was “bitter sweet” because we had good memories there (very unexpected seeing that a week ago he was going at me...). Then he stopped and said “I’m sorry, I so sorry this happened”. I was taken aback! I said “I know”. That is it...I did not know what else to say. I did not want to start questioning him on why, the OW, us...I held back. It was hard!! Then again, I don’t know if this means anything at all... maybe, it was just talk...should I have reacted differently?? Said something else? I will not obsess about it. If he wants to open up gain, he will...i will just let it go...
When we got in, he asked “so, how is this going to work? How are we splitting our debts assets?” I said, "we’ll figure it out, we would need to see someone I guess.” He replied, “Yeah, ok”. Went downstairs, grabbed his cell phone, and said “I’m tired, going to bed”. I said, “Ok”. That was my evening...
There is that rollercoaster. Am I missing something or should I just stop “over thinking it”?
TipAnna, its like you say these things here, and I am like, "yup, that's what this feels like" When you talk about the rollercoaster, and I always am getting caught on what to say in response to things the W says. Things that seem friendly or possibly caring about how I feel. I know that's hard.
..it as he wants out, so I am doing things for myself to accept his decision and be better be prepared for that day where he does leave...
I struggle with this myself. I am a planner as well. I have already been blindsided, and tell myself, not again. I need to be prepared. I guess something I am taking from this place is not to seal the deal. I mean, not closing all the doors yet. I plan, and am maneuvering my finances. I have looked at what I can do after. I don't do that when she is here, I make a point to be present at that time. Applying what I am learning here. But when she is gone, I think, I plan. Probably for the similar reasons, so we know what options we have. So with all the hurt they have caused, we can minimize the final blowout should it come. What I hear in this place is just not to pull all our chips in that pot yet.
The family knows about the affair. He called and told them the day he dropped the bomb on me. They did not take it well at the time and it was only last week that he spoke to them again (a month later). Truth is he only became closer to his family a few years after we met. He only made more frequent contact and actual visits to his mom and sister when I came into the picture. His father only came back into his life a few years ago, after a 20-year absence. I agree that I should not be spilling my guts out to his family but they call, daily, to ask how I’m doing or feeling, to tell me "I know this is hard”...i hjust don’t know how to go about telling them that I am not comfortable sharing these things with them seeing that they are HIS family..
I would think, I may be wrong. But if you really want them to stop calling, couldn't you just be very busy? "cant talk right now, I am on the way out." or something like that. politely excusing yourself, and maybe in the process delivering a message that could get back to him, she is not waiting for you. I may be off base, but just a thought I had reading this.
I appreciate it! I always was the strong one, the go-getter, the planner, so this “tsunami” that hit me is not as easy to manage as I thought. I try so hard to make it seem that it’s all good and ok, that I’ll be better off but truth is I am detaching and now I’m at the phase where I miss him..like he was already gone...make sense?
You are the strong one! I think everyone here is showing great strength. I mean I imagine some people just give up. I mean I think everyone going through things like this here, well, we are here today. We made it through yesterday, and the day before. Its not much easier. It is so difficult, and I know I have questioned whether I can keep this up. But the next day comes and I have. Give yourself more credit, you are still here. I don't mean here on the site, I mean still standing. Try not to dwell on the thoughts of missing him. In my OP, it is ok to sit in it for a brief period, feel the sadness, and acknowledge it. Really feel it. But then have something lined up that you enjoy and will distract you. I do this to control the dose if you will. I try and make time, to feel sometimes, because after, when I am done, and I am off doing something fun, those overwhelming feeling are easier held at bay.
I think of when the bomb dropped, it was all at once. It was so painful and shocking. I think by doing this now, it will make it easier should the day come. I remind myself it aint over till its over.
We are the strong ones, we held true. We are the ones who DO have power. I don't usually quote movies, but I just saw "After earth" the will smith movie. It was not great BTW. But, there is this whole thing about fear.
The point of it is that fear is a made up emotion in our minds.
All the what if's, all the possible outcomes, the fear, anxiety, that all comes from our minds. Now it is in response to what's happening around us. Danger is real, pain is real. But the feelings, reactions, concerns, doubts, questions, all the feelings, they all come from our minds. The one person we can control.
Easier said than done I know. But I thought it was interesting. I mean we feel fear, we feel sadness. But we make that in our minds. So there must be a way to control that. Maybe not stop it completely, but I have been paying attention to it. Why I am said right this moment? What is that doing for me? Sometimes I need it, other times, I unintentionally let it consume me. I took from this, that if I I keep aware of that thought, I am more in control of it. So those waves of sadness that seem to just hit us, maybe we cant stop them, but maybe we can redirect them.
IDK, just my morning thoughts. Keep true to yourself! You are already strong! WE, can get through this, a step at a time. That's all that can be done. Nobody could expect more.
This evening , he brought up that it's his dad's birthday and that the family was all going out for dinner on Saturday. I felt a inch in my heart and tried to keep the tears from swelling in my eyes. I realized that I will miss them too..
But you are right D2, I will avoid his sister's calls...or text back a quick reply if needed. His mom stopped calling, I think she got the message that I am avoiding them. I think I need to do this for myself. Will help with the detaching.
Well, that feeling of "missing out" on that bday dinner tomorrow night just passed..quickly too may I add..lol! Just made plans to go out with a friend for dinner tomorrow night too..haha! I just realized that this does get easier every day. I AM strong and will only get stronger every day. I used to spend every waking moment obsessing, analyzing, rationalizing and I can honestly say that, although I am only (almost) two months in this crazy ride, I now have days when I don't think of IT (H, OW, D, R) at all! Hang in there all! there is a light for US at the end if this tunnel, and we are only stronger, better people for it!
I say good for you TipAnna!! I think not participating in the dinner with his dad, is good. I mean who benefits from you going. I would imagine it could be uncomfortable for all. I don't think you would have fun or be happy. Instead you are going to do something that will be fun for you, that sounds great!
Spend the day packing more boxes. We had two "visits" for the house; 2 more tomorrow. I don't think it will be long now. H said he hoes it sells fast cause he wants to move out into his new apartment quickly...I don't understand why he wants to "run" from me but I guess that is what a WAS does, right? I am trying to focus on me and my future; trying to picture what it would "feel" like to be single/alone again. Alone, I don't mind; single kind of hurts cause I sooo wanted to have children by now. But i guess, everything happens for a reason.
trying to picture what it would "feel" like to be single/alone again. Alone, I don't mind; single kind of hurts cause I sooo wanted to have children by now. But i guess, everything happens for a reason
I have thought about that a lot. I guess what I have been doing when I start thinking about that, is bring myself back to the moment. It is so easy to sink deeper into that line of thought and for me, it does not feel good.
I can relate on the kids thing as well. I mean we had started trying this summer. I thought we had made up our minds, we were going to do this. Mentally I was ready, and everything was good to go, and then this. I mean just another plan that she wiped off the books, lol. [censored], I don't have anything better to say than that. Either it would not be appropriate language to say here, or I just cant go down the thought path.
I am trying to focus on me and my future
cheers to that!
Today, I feel like I finally have gotten a grasp of what detaching IS. I am in such a calm and good place these last few days. He comes, he goes, he does things he wouldn't have done before, but I simply don't let that phase me or let his actions "touch" me. I've had three days of serenity now, no anger, no confusion, no crying or over thinking. I am sleeping like a champ, too! I'm content with myself and how I've handled the situation thus far. In the end, I've accepted his decision, and know that I will be okay when he leaves..
The LRT and GAL have really helped, honestly! Two months ago, when I picked up the DR book , I was desperately looking for a "solution", a fast fix to stop all this from happening. Today, I understand that the LRT and GAL is for me, just like everyone has been saying. Not to get him back or stop my M from crumbling..I also fully understand that I can't make him do what I want him to do, I can't fix this or him. I need to let "this" run its course. One day, he will see that this is a mistake but maybe NOT?!! Everything happens for a reason, so I am embracing this ME time , getting to know me, improving me, focusing on me, and know that I will be okay.. and this in turn has helped me , not only heal from the hurt, but also, understand the situation, what happened and why, without placing blame and forgiving myself at the same time.
Today, the sun is shining (although it's [censored] cold)and I see the light at the end of the tunnel, as they say..I will be okay and will be happy, if not happier than I've ever been..
TipAnna, the tone of this post, to me is calm. It honestly made me feel better reading it. Better for you, but I also got something out of it too. Knowing first hand what this has been like going through this in mine, and reading your story, and what you have posted. Then, reading this post. I know that a feeling of calm, sounds great. You deserve that! Your attitude sounds positive! Hold onto that!
TipAnna, you gotten quiet. How are you? Wanted to check in.
Thank you for checking up! I have needed to come to this site less and less, mainly because I am finally happy and moving forward. This means that I am not looking to save my marriage anymore. Instead, I am looking for ways to bring happiness and success to me!
Although we are still "living" together as I write this, we did have a "talk" about him wanting to leave recently. I acknowledged his decision and told him that if he decided to do so, there are obligations he would need to respect since we bought this house together, like mortgage payments, house insurance, bills, etc, if he still wanted a portion of the profit from the sell of the house. This was not to his liking but after a heated debate, he acknowledged that he, like I, could not afford to be on our own and still take care of our obligations, not before selling the house. Therefore, we agreed he would stay. In my head, I was trying to understand where this was all coming from. Why did he, all of a sudden, decide he wanted out? Was it the OW? blah, blah, and I stopped in my thoughts and realized. It does not matter why... Think of you, be happy and good things will come...
It was later that I found out that, the OW is now pregnant! They decided to keep the baby, had planned to move in together by April. She was going to tell her husband about my H and the baby, after she filed for divorce and blah, blah. That was then, now, she tells my H, that although she wants the baby, she is not sure she wants him..he’s angry, moppy, stressed, etc...but I have dissociated myself from all this negativity, and am looking out for me...I always come back to the moment when I feel my thoughts trail, take it day by day, and wish the universe would bring me a buyer for the house!
My Lord. That last paragraph is soap opera material. Aren't you glad you learned to detach!
I'm reminded of an old roadrunner cartoon. Wily Coyote has a long stick, and he's poking pebbles out of a land bridge directly above him, which ultimately collapses and crushes him in a pile of boulders. Just before the collapse, he holds up a sign that says "What in Heaven's name am I doing?"
I'm wondering if the WAS really does have that moment, where suddenly they recognize, "Wow, wrecked two marriages, I'm the father of a child of a married woman who isn't my wife, etc. etc."
I'm way too early in this process to have seen that yet, but that has to be one helluva moment. I'm truly grateful that my personal choices won't put me in that position.
And I used to love Soap Operas when I was younger..lol! Complete and utter detachments is what has saved me!