As we all know, enjoying the weekend is important in the GAL department, especially those of us who won't have the kids...so what's the plan people?
I'm doing a martial arts class tonight. Saturday evening hitting the gym followed by visiting a friend who's up for either emptying a tequila bottle or going to a Latin dance club. Sunday, eldest daughter is coming to visit (probably wants to do laundry). We'll either rent a movie or bowl after eating a giant pile of shrimp.
How about you?
It's margarita's and gossip at my place tonight with a friend who's been kinda low lately.
Saturday is some physical fitness "me" time depending on the weather my activity is flexible!
Then Sunday is brunch with another good friend that I haven't seen in a while.
Get your GAL on peeps! Have a great weekend!
Happy hour tonight with a group of friends. Tomorrow we have S5's bowling birthday party with 15 kids. Tomorrow night, I will probably have to put the kids to bed early and drink a bottle of wine to recover from the party.
Sunday is family day with H and the kids. Dont have anything set in stone yet.
Have a great weekend everyone
Gym tonight and then out with my brother-in-law for the evening.
I don't know about Saturday and Sunday. H is still around and sometimes we do family things and sometimes not. Will go to the gym both days though.
Friday night was dinner with the motorbike group and then coffee at one of their houses that overlook the city.
Saturday morning a 5km parkrun, that I placed 7th.
Saturday meeting a friend in the city to catch up.
Saturday night ten pin bowling with a new meetup group.
Sunday......spare time at the moment.
This is awesome stuff! When I think back to the early days in solitude, high stress, shock, sad, alone…GAL is the best advice ever
Taking it easy this weekend, since I am still recovering from a nasty sinus thing.
Tonight, H has the kids so I will go to a restorative yoga class . . . good for the body and mind!
Tomorrow will run some errands and work on some organization around the house. Play with the kids in the afternoon (hopefully outside; it's supposed to be 60!), then (because I am a glutton for punishment) going to an NBA game with my H.
Sunday making brunch with my kids, doing some crafts, just hanging out together in the morning. Then going to hang out with some friends to watch NFL playoff game. GOOOO BRONCOS!!
Hope everyone has a great weekend!
Almost forgot kickboxing tomorrow morning. I find that I can really get a good PMA going if I spend an hour beating the crap out of a bag.
3, hope your S5 has a great party! Is your H going to be there?
And yes, keep that bottle of wine at the ready.
Man U guys have me jealous. Hope everyone has a good weekend.
What are you doing about that jealousy, Scott!
Are you just feeling it or are you going to do something about it - and make us jealous next weekend????
Agreed! Scott, Friday next week we want to hear something awesome!
I just have to say, my GAL was awesome tonight. Went out to dinner and a movie, and got home later than H. He thought I stayed home all night by myself and was flabbergasted when he let me in that I wasn't back in the room asleep. LOL
Hi folks, hopefully I am not too late for this
.
I am taking my kids to a football museum today, my son loves anything football!!! Unfortunately his match today is cancelled because of the weather
Tonight I am cooking and tomorrow I am going for a long run in the morning to blow off some cobwebs!! GAL rocks!!
I really need to get my act into gear after the Christmas/New Year break. It's Saturday night here and I've just watched a DVD. Must think about getting the kayak out again and taking the dog out for a swim.
hi all, I have 3 hockey games for my kids and a practice too this weekend. the hockey families have been wonderful for us. We go to a meal after games and spend time together. besides that I take me dog for long walks and last week I took a random trip to my local farmer's market and bought some good treats for kids and I to share. I had always wanted to go to this one with W but she never wanted to take time away from the barn to do stuff with me. So no more waiting. Just live.
Slight glitch in the plan. My friend told me last night (via text) that her sort throat turned out to be more serious and she can't do anything this weekend.
I almost resigned myself to a Saturday night alone until I realized there's no reason I can't go out alone. Either a salsa club or a dance school event, I'll be stepping out alone tonight and hopefully meet people, have fun…I'm horrible at meeting people, kind of shy so this is so out of my comfort zone. Wish me luck everybody.
That sounds great 2s2q, I am sure you will have a blast
Agreed! Scott, Friday next week we want to hear something awesome!
ok will do. Plans r actually 95% confirmed for Saturday night and were gonna have some fun. Somthing new. Never been before. Ill fill you in next week
So who's GAL tonight. I really enjoyed reading everyone's stories. We should have this thread every weekend.
Tonight (Saturday) I watched a move and ate popcorn with 2 very sick boys. We still had fun and laughed a lot. I almost got on this site during the move but then said NO I need to live in this moment right now. I'm glad I did and I'm going to try that always.
Hang in there everyone. I think about and pray for all of you all the time. Hope your havin fun tonight.
I'm waiting for the dog to come in then I'm taking off. Should make it to the club around midnight and I'll stay for a couple hours to dance with people.
This prob makes me *that* loser who comes by himself but who cares? I plead it safe for too long.
Well I did it. I went to a dance club by myself. Went on the dance floor by myself. I hated it LOL! But I learned something. I want to be a person who can come alone or with a friend and approach strangers to dance. It was fun now that I'm back even if it was for just an hour.
When I think of how I am now compared to the first time when I took my kids to a zoo and came home fighting to not cry, I'm pretty proud of myself.
Good for you, 2S2Q!
GALing definitely becomes easier! I remember forcing myself to go do GAL things, and spending the entire time feeling awful with a pit in my stomach, and just wanting to go home and hide from myself.
Now I look forward to my GAL activities (esp. exercise) - they are rejuvenating and a time to be in the moment rather than obsessing over my sitch and my H.
Good for you for pushing through your fear and doing something way outside your comfort zone!
Hope everyone enjoyed their GALing this weekend.
I have to put this out there, mostly I just need a show of hands to see if I screwed up.
So I had told myself all week I wasn't going to get any Valentines day c.r.a.p or text her or anything like that...well of course I'm full of c.r.a.p and last night I bought flowers. Nothing huge and overly romantic, no card, no message, just some flowers.
I stopped by her place this morning to drop them off. She liked them; smiled, said thank you, kisses on the cheek. We chatted about the kids. She obviously put no thought into this day at all. I didn't expect anything anyway so that's ok. I made no attempt to ask her for time tonight and she made no offers.
She called me later during the day to talk about kid stuff and mentioned at the end of the call she really liked them and it made her day...and again no attempt to reciprocate or make time ...as I expected anyway.
I did this because it would have bugged me if I didn't. I still have feelings for her (if anyone knows how to switch that off, please let me know) and I like doing this kind of stuff. It's not out of character, I always did this before she left too.
Was this a mistake? I'm told I was too nice and shouldn't have done it.
To be honest, all it did for me was highlight how the end is near and I'll probably be making the first move towards D in a few months. Her latest "there was no passion" comment is still ringing so loud in my brain.
It's clear to me now. She's not into me, she hadn't been for a long time. Her decision to marry me was a functional one. Now that I no longer serve that function, her post-cancer "life is too short" mentality just couldn't allow her to continue with this marriage.
2S2Q . . . how do you feel about it? Do you feel like you did what you wanted to do, and you are OK with it? Or did you maybe notice later that you thought you hadn't attached any expectations to it, but you kinda sorta did?
Think about it. Were you testing the waters to see what your W would do? Or were you just giving them to her out of the kindness of your heart? (It could be both, too.)
Add me to the list of wanting to know how to switch off feelings. I'd give an arm and a leg for that tutorial.
I've decided I will buy flowers for myself today. Because I know with 100% certainty that I will appreciate them and appreciate the person who gave them to me. Then I will reciprocate by giving myself a massage appointment. It's a win-win.
I actually expected her to react negatively. I did this because I wanted to, I knew she wasn't going to do anything in return. I wanted to express myself, that's all. I'd feel worst if I hadn't done it. Of course there's a part of me that hoped for more but I knew it wasn't going to happen.
That was a good idea spoiling yourself like that.
Well, then, if you are OK with having done it, and you feel good about yourself, why are you asking us if it was a mistake?
Seriously. You've got a WAW to beat up your self esteem. You don't need to do it to yourself.
Ithink it went well. DB is not a perfect science. You tried something and it had a positive outcome. Happy Valentines Day
Add me to the list of wanting to know how to switch off feelings. I'd give an arm and a leg for that tutorial.
LOL, Me too, when does that class start. I just found out my WAW is having either EA or PA and I still cant shut the switch off.
2S2Q- I dont think you did anything wrong. It sounds like WAW took it well.
BUT That's it for the day. No more gifts, texting, calling, following etc etc. GOT IT. Let her be the one to call, text or reach out to you.
2S2Q, I totally understand what you mean. I did that for Christmas. In my case though I think it was pursuing. She waited till I left the house to read the card, then didn't acknowledge the gift for 2 days after. Being the glutton for punishment that I was I HAD to ask about it and she replied Oh yeah! thanks!
If you are going to practice detachment I would think you would have to not do that anymore. I think as time passes and you keep giving gifts eventually you will look for a positive reaction. If you don't get one it will crush you.
...by positive I meant a reciprocated feeling.
2s2q, if you did the flowers because you felt good about doing it, then it was all fine. Sometimes we have to do what we think is right, for ourselves.
If you were hoping for some kind of expectation, and then feel let down because of it, then wrong choice.
As you said, you expected her to act negative towards the flowers. She didn't, therefore giving her flowers was a positive.
I agree, it sounds like I'm beating myself up for nothing. I just need to make sure I'm not pursuing and a friend told me I was being too nice so I had to put myself up for judgement by my peers LOL!
Also, NMMNG had an interesting perspective that saying "I love you" in order to get it said in return is manipulative behavior. I was very conscious to make sure I'm doing this for my expression and not pressuring her to respond.
You guys are right, I haven't and will not make any more contact. It's up to her to approach, not me.
I guess the title says it all. She still hasn't made any moves towards a D but hasn't come the other way either.
We aren't in contact for any reason other than when she gives me money to help with groceries...If I got rid of the house, that excuse would go away and there would be nothing.
Out of the blue a couple days ago she sent me a message "took the kids to the Lego movie, it was funny and reminded me of you". That was it. I read that and immediately reminded myself it meant nothing and of course it didn't. She just remembered that I laugh really loud at the movies and I like going with the kids.
I've had a few aha! moments recently, all of which remind me that this marriage wasn't what I thought it was and it's not going to be right again. I married for love, she married because she needed someone at the time.
On Thursday I go to the head office at work to meet the CEO and receive an award for a project I took part in. It's a great moment for me and will help me move up in my career. I've spent the last few days moping because when I come home, no one will be there to talk to about it. There'll be no one to show. If she was still around, I don't think she'd be interested anyway. This is not the kind of support I gave when she had opportunities.
I've spent the last few years sacrificing so much time and energy to make her happy, it never worked. I since learned that while I was running myself ragged for her, she was with her friends talking a mountain of smack about me and how I'm no good, always late, never do anything right. She also recently told me that I never got to know the real her. She's herself around her friends but was never that person with me.
Let's face it, I'm single again. I don't know how else to say this, she's gone. Life's too short, she didn't want to live this lie anymore and I need to move on as well.
This is very hard, I don't want to do this but I have to or I'm going to lose it. Apologies if I sound like a quitter but I'm a person too. It's not just because she gets to run in circles with excuses ranging from midlife crisis, I'm just a friend, I'm depressed, I have no passion for you, etc. etc. that I have to sit in this miserable cloud and wait for her majesty to maybe decide I might not actually be a horrible a-hole.
The recent episodes where she wanted to ML but only at a hotel is insulting. In hindsight, it shows she just needed some and I was willing to give it.
Does anyone have any book they recommend to help a person move on with their lives and prep for divorce? Not the legal issues, I know that has to be discussed with a L. This is just really hard and I could use some perspective on the decision to do this.
I read "Getting past what you'll never get over" by John Westfall. It had some helpful points. I think he had too many comparitives to his own life but you could check it out. I read that while detaching just to feel like I could if I need to.
Hey 2stubborn2quit, IMO, if you have kids you need to try to hand in there for them to have a chance to have their parents together with them. If you loved your W at one point it's likely that she loved you too so that can happen again. Love isn't a mysterious thing, it happens when the two of you spend time together, share common interests etc. If you're like me, you focused a lot of energy on things outside your marriage (work etc) and the kids and not on each other.
I don't know your situation but based on my own this has easily been the hardest time of my life. Hanging in and giving her time can be brutal but if you quit now I'd say you need to be 100% sure or you may have regrets for the rest of your life. It sounds like your W is confused on what she wants so there may be hope for a better future.
As much as it 5ucks, I think Scorp is right. You've been at it for a couple of months and that's really just the beginning. I've only been at it for three months and I'm feeling a lot better so here's hoping your next month is about you and getting your head and heart right.
So your W is saying that she sees stuff that reminds her of you....offered to make love to you (even though it's in a hotel) and you're saying that there's nothing positive going on in your sitch.
You're so wrong. There's alot going on in your sitch. You just aren't seeing them. But if you want to quit, it's up to you.
My W took 3 YEARS before she actually talked to me about ANYTHING. You don't know how to count the blessings you have. You're not being a quitter. You just seem a bit selfish. There are so many people on here who have received not even a FRACTION of what you've gotten. What's happened is that now anything your W does for or to you, will not be enough.
Ditto the sentiments of Scorp & Barrybran. When we're all done with this chapter in our lives (which I'm sure we all can agree are some of the toughest times any of us will face), we need to be able to look at ourselves in the mirror and say that we did everything in our power to make this work.
We obviously want our marriages to work or we wouldn't have come here in the first place.
If my wife and I get divorced and 10-15 years down the road my son and/or daughter asks why we got divorced, I want to be able to say "your mom and I did everything we could to make our marriage work." I don't want to say "your mom checked out of the marriage and decided she wanted a divorce after only a few months of trying and I gave up at that point."
Regardless if our marriages work or not, we need to do it standing up for what we believe in. That way we will have no regrets.
Ditto the sentiments of Scorp & Barrybran. When we're all done with this chapter in our lives (which I'm sure we all can agree are some of the toughest times any of us will face), we need to be able to look at ourselves in the mirror and say that we did everything in our power to make this work.
We obviously want our marriages to work or we wouldn't have come here in the first place.
If my wife and I get divorced and 10-15 years down the road my son and/or daughter asks why we got divorced, I want to be able to say "your mom and I did everything we could to make our marriage work." I don't want to say "your mom checked out of the marriage and decided she wanted a divorce after only a few months of trying and I gave up at that point."
Regardless if our marriages work or not, we need to do it standing up for what we believe in. That way we will have no regrets.
Mr. Bond, I hope I'm not stepping over the line because I've been reading a lot of what you have to say and it's been very helpful to me. You said it took 3 years for your W talked to you about anything. Were you able to DB and reconcile? Again, I apologize if I'm overstepping but I obviously value the opinion of someone who did this for 3 years.
I hate to say this...but this is the attitude I had and the attitude I NEEDED to truly believe and not just fake it...and my WAS came back.
Hi Jerseybeachmam, can you clarify that a bit? What attitude did you have that lead to your WAS coming back?
MrBond,
Everyday, you keep it real for me and keep me from getting down on my sitch and having a Self-pitty party. Thank you!!
I guess the title says it all. She still hasn't made any moves towards a D but hasn't come the other way either.
No, this^^ does not say it all. Before I go further, btw, it would help ME so much if you could stay on one thread b/c I can't follow your story or situation when there are at least 6-10 threads you begin and then end. Also PLEASE put a signature block with info (profile provides this) and summarize Length of marriage, number of kids, when the cancer was and when the BD was, so it'll again be easier to keep up with your sitch and give more targeted help.
Just saying, you'll get more and better advice if you make it easier for us to follow your story. 
BUT HERE is what YOU WROTE your first time here...less than 5 months ago:
9-30-2013
The problem was I messed up at the end. I walked her to the door and as she was leaving I hugged her, told her I loved her. Bad move. She kissed me on the cheek, told me she loved me too but something felt insincere about it.
To be honest this is a rotten dance I'm tired of playing. I'm miserable and lonely while she seems to be partying with her friends and having a grand old time.
I'm currently torn between writing her off and being patient. It's only been 3 weeks now since she left but it's just so hard. I'm ok if I don't see her for a few days but it's a big downer after I see her.
3 weeks into this, you thought about quitting. 3 weeks into this, you were assuming she was out partying with her friends and having a grand old time. SHE never told you so, you assumed the worst of her at nearly every moment. You also really gloss over the role you played in this.
Here is a "secret" that is not really a secret:
She will Not return to the marriage to you unless
she believes marriage to you will be better/different than before.
So, what are You DOING to show her that?
You have to see her vis a vis the kids. So why not view each interaction as a chance to demonstrate thru actions (not words, not telling her) that you are a new improved man?
I'm curious if other people have felt this duality of goals? For those of you who were able to win their spouse back, how long did it take? In what length of time should I be able to expect her attitude and affections to change if there's hope?
The duality of goals is also known as "limbo" to some, and a lot of ambiguity to others. YES it was a struggle for a long time. Like a heavy pendulum swinging from one end of my heart to the other...
When Gilda Radner faced cancer, she wrote of this inherent ambiguity b/c really, tomorrow is promised to no one. We marry for life but things change and we are sometimes left behind.
She wrote that she was not sure if the next spring she'd be with her h Gene Wilder trying to have a baby (which is how her diagnosis of cancer was made, fertility treatments)
OR Facing another round of Chemo
OR dead...she said that the ambiguity would make you insane if you stare at it that way and base ALL other important decisions and our happiness on which road life takes us.
She said to make each day count, and that type of thing, etc (the things we CAN control we should)
but that we all have to learn to accept and maybe even EMBRACE the inherent ambiguity life gives us (but which most of us are unaware of til something like this happens)
Not sure if that helps you but it helped me to know that others have faced it.
As for how long it took to "win back" my spouse. I did not 'win" him back.
I released him to his task. Then I contrasted our world here, with the world he was living in, by making sure THIS place was warm and loving...which evidently his new life, was not. I did nothing "to" his world, I merely focussed on mine here, with our children. I created a life here for them and myself, which was happy.
Turns out H missed that a lot...there was a lot to miss. THAT part, making it a home you'd miss, was within my control. What h did when he was not here, was not within my control. So i let go of it.
I came to see and truly believed in my heart of hearts, that no matter what h did, I would be alright and so would the kids. I wish I had "gotten" that earlier b/c I spent about a YEAR on what h was doing/thinking/saying/meaning and how unfair/selfish/irrational/wrong HE was...
before I realized I had nothing to gain by this^^, except more anger. And anger did not serve me or my marriage very well.
If you must, set an internal deadline in your head. A deadline that tells you if you don't see concrete signs of an improving r with her, then you'll file or sign or whatever giving up means to you.
But once I let go of my h fully, he began to call more often. Like every day (whereas before, it could be weeks between calls to ME at least)
and then more than once a day, "Begging" me to give him a chance to be the h I deserve, etc. I didn't like the word begging but it did stick out in my mind b/c h is a proud man.
We began piecing, and that was so so until we went to Retrovaille, which I recommend for ANY & ALL couples who are trying to get new tools for their damaged marriage.
Um no, in case you are wondering. Your w is NOT ready to hear about Retrovaille. Nowhere near ready. BUT if you are into personal growth and wanting to get some clarity in your life, try a workshop called Essential Experience (aka "EE") that many of us have done. Every one of us has called it 'Life changing"...
You don't have to have your partner with you for one thing, (b/c it's for the individual) and it'll help you gain clarity and get tools for any area of your life not working too well. Including how to GAL and communicate meaningfully with just about anyone.
It's in Philly but it's so worth it, I've flown in from Alaska to do it. And if you want, you can get free housing so all you need to do is pay for your slot, then get there and participate.
Like Div Busting, it's a solution based approach to problems, so it's not just re-hashing the past and there is NO keeping score.
I think score cards ruin marriages so often...
We aren't in contact for any reason other than when she gives me money to help with groceries...If I got rid of the house, that excuse would go away and there would be nothing.
1) stop being so negative. IT's a trait you admitted to having 5 months ago so I'd like to see SOME cognitive awareness of how negatively programmed you can sound...
2) I thought you had kids. Where are they? Don't you have to see her when you two exchange them? And so, SHE pays you? Why, if she has the kids? What is your job, versus hers?
I recall you saying Your work stressed you out and that you complained a lot to her and around her about it. Did you get a new job? Do you want to?
Out of the blue a couple days ago she sent me a message "took the kids to the Lego movie, it was funny and reminded me of you". That was it. I read that and immediately reminded myself it meant nothing and of course it didn't. She just remembered that I laugh really loud at the movies and I like going with the kids.
I've had a few aha! moments recently,
all of which remind me that this marriage wasn't what I thought it was
and it's not going to be right again. I married for love,
she married because she needed someone at the time.
This^^^ is me crossing out your negative "stinking thinking" that projects/predicts or assumes what others are thinking, & also you are revising the marriage now, as she has likely done. That does not help and it negates the joy your kids brought you. Can I hear something about them??
On Thursday I go to the head office at work to meet the CEO and receive an award for a project I took part in. It's a great moment for me and will help me move up in my career. I've spent the last few days moping because when I come home, no one will be there to talk to about it. There'll be no one to show.
Can you get a family member or friend or your children to come? I got a medal in the Army and a promotion and was holding our infant daughter (after the medal was pinned that is). IF NOT, then plan a celebration with your kids. Order pizza and BRAG about "daddy's prize that we are celebrating"...
and no matter what, pat yourself on the back b/c that job sounded pretty awful before. But now you are getting an award. Well done!
If she was still around,
I don't think she'd be interested anyway. This is not the kind of support I gave when she had opportunities.
more negative thinking projecting and predicting on YOUR part. WHY??? IT's self inflicted pain. FROM you, TO you.I
've spent the last few years sacrificing so much time and energy to make her happy, it never worked. I since learned that while I was running myself ragged for her, she was with her friends talking a mountain of smack about me and how I'm no good, always late, never do anything right.
I hope you really do have an AHA moment b/c when you do, THIS^^^ type of c.r.a.p. should stop. IT really reeks of someone being a Swirling Vortex Of Negativity ("SVON") and you don't want to be a SVON! So NOT fun to be around. Your w needs to feel relaxed around you so you can be in the same room and then she has to start feeling like you could co-parent with her...
and then she needs to feel like you could be a real friend to her and then the love that I believe is there, underneath all the resentment SHE has felt and the FEARS SHE HAS that YOU WILL REVERT to your old ways of the many complaints you once admitted to uttering too much of, and then she'll be sad again...SO IF She can get past that and learn to be around you and relaxed a bit, then you build on that..
Trust me on this, your anger is getting you nowhere good. It's making you stuck and bitter. Instead of becoming a man only a fool would leave, which should have been your goal,
you are just getting more righteous and angry. NOT helping you or the kids....
She also recently told me that I never got to know the real her. She's herself around her friends but was never that person with me.
IF reconciling were your real mission, this^^ would be considered "INTEL" for reconnaissance. You'd have said "Really W? What do you mean? Tell me more" and find out what she really means. What did she need that she did not get. What specifically could YOU DO DIFFERENTLY?? ...and then when she says she could never be herself with you, you say
"W, I'm sorry you felt that way. If I had it to do all over again, I'd do lots of things differently"...
that shows you are changing and see the need for it, it validates her feelings and does not escalate anything NOR does it make you a doormat.
Seems to me you are trying to make this about how Wrong SHE is, and how right you are. Do you want to be "right" or happy? Lose the scorecard.
Let's face it, I'm single again. I don't know how else to say this, she's gone. Life's too short, she didn't want to live this lie anymore and I need to move on as well.
This is very hard, I don't want to do this but I have to or I'm going to lose it. Apologies if I sound like a quitter but I'm a person too.
If you can't go on, you can't. Only you decide that. I DO Suggest you watch a film on Netflix called "Stuck In Love" before you decide...
It's not just because she gets to run in circles with excuses ranging from midlife crisis, I'm just a friend, I'm depressed, I have no passion for you, etc. etc. that I have to sit in this miserable cloud and wait for her majesty to maybe decide I might not actually be a horrible a-hole.^^^... 
enough said....same tone you had 5 months ago. What are your 180s?
The recent episodes where she wanted to ML but only at a hotel is insulting. In hindsight, it shows she just needed some and I was willing to give it.
As BOND pointed out, which I second, this^^ was NOT an insult. Period. You HAVE To remove your negative "SVON" glasses and stop seeing the world thru such a dark lens. Honestly it's a huge turn off for me.
And on that note, let me tell you what a TURN ON would be. You being the best father ever, would be great. I would like to hear SOMETHING about your children -or their pain- or the joy you feel with them...and then I'd remind you that no mother is unmoved by the loving interactions of her child(ten) with their dad.
Does anyone have any book they recommend to help a person move on with their lives and prep for divorce? Not the legal issues, I know that has to be discussed with a L. This is just really hard and I could use some perspective on the decision to do this.
Perspective? See my signature block? 2 years, with an internal time line of d1's high school graduation. I figured if we were not reconciled or piecing by then, I'd file for a divorce. OR I guess I could have renewed a new deadline, but I think in truth, that Without this site and my DB coach and a great MC, (which was unusual) I would be divorced.
In 2006 I wrote that "my m has a 10% chance of succeeding..."
so there you go.
.
Thanks for your input everyone, much appreciated. Truthfully, I don't have it in me to wait on her anymore, I really don't. I'm living my life now and I don't recognize her in it anymore.
Perhaps it seems like it only just started, but were approaching a year since the time she decided she was going to stop talking to me. It was a few months of silent treatment followed by a separation which she wanted. It hurt a lot. I'm not hurting anymore, but I'm not in love like I was once either.
I'm not acting as if anymore. I'm sad about it but I'm pretty much single again.
I'm pretty sure jerseymama is referring to her recent decision to let her WAS move on with his life and she did the same. As I recall you were seeing someone Jersey? What's been happening?
2,
read my post again please. And can you give some answers to the many questions asked?
I actually asked them for YOUR benefit and I think you may even get something out of just having to ponder what I asked...
25, just saw your post. We don't see each other at the exchange. Each Friday after school, we alternate who picks up the kids and have them for the week. It's 50/50. She helps me with this because there are a lot of debts. She makes more because of her side business. She ruined my credit rating just before leaving and now I can't consolidate debts. We decided I'd stay in the house since we can't buy our own anyway, she's renting a place. After a few months, a certain expense came I can't avoid so she's helping me.
I'll check out that movie.
My 180s have been letting her have her space. I've been catching up on the things I've held off on when we were married. I'm learning to cook very well, taking all kinds of lessons, making friends of my own, living my life. I was always available when she wanted to talk bit she doesn't really want to.
Perhaps I sound whiney. Maybe getting the lawyers involved isn't productive. I'll just live single seeing as that's how I feel right now.
Okay...so,
When was the cancer, how old are the kids and how are THEY Doing? How long were you married and how old are each of you?
Cancer was 9 years ago, kids are 9,14. My step kids are 19 and 24.
We've been married 14 years.
Eldest is ok, she's in her own apartment and visits regularly
19yo SS lives with me full time. He's as ok as he'll be, he's always had emotional issues but he's calmed down quite a bit the past few months.
Younger kids are doing well. We worked a lot together t make sure they'd be ok and
I talk with them about stuff. They're ok…they obviously want us back together but they're functioning at school and playing week with friends.
2S2Q, I am going to jump on the bandwagon here and say that you might want to back up a few steps and look at things through a different lens.
If you really are done, you're done. There is no shame in that.
But I am not sure that you are really done, vs. you are tired of this crappy situation.
If you think it's that you really are done, how do you know?
I can tell you from being there right now, that having filed for D has really only made me feel worse. I didn't have a choice but to file, but if I did, I think I would have waited quite a bit longer. Not because I have really any hope that my H and I will R, but because you just never know what might happen.
There is nothing keeping you from living the life you want to live right now. The only thing you can't do while still M is get married to someone else.
It can get tiring having hope, and having your expectations/hopes constantly dashed. I get it. Maybe just focus on yourself for a bit, and see what happens. Stop thinking about your M, and your W, and what she is thinking, and what's going to happen, and just live.
2S2Q, I am going to jump on the bandwagon here and say that you might want to back up a few steps and look at things through a different lens.
If you really are done, you're done. There is no shame in that.
But I am not sure that you are really done, vs. you are tired of this crappy situation.
If you think it's that you really are done, how do you know?
I can tell you from being there right now, that having filed for D has really only made me feel worse. I didn't have a choice but to file, but if I did, I think I would have waited quite a bit longer. Not because I have really any hope that my H and I will R, but because you just never know what might happen.
There is nothing keeping you from living the life you want to live right now. The only thing you can't do while still M is get married to someone else.
It can get tiring having hope, and having your expectations/hopes constantly dashed. I get it. Maybe just focus on yourself for a bit, and see what happens. Stop thinking about your M, and your W, and what she is thinking, and what's going to happen, and just live.
I've found that being "tired of the situation" can impact both sides as well. My wife (WAS) just said the other day that it wasn't her final decision but she was leaning toward a divorce. She said she's just "done" with all of this uncertainty and wants to move forward one way or the other.
Of course I'm tired of it as well but I understand for the good of myself & my kids, I need to just deal with it for the sake of the family. Because I can't expect her to make a rational decision. That's part of the reason I'd never agree to a dissolution. Because that would just make it be "done" for her when I still believe VERY MUCH that our marriage is salvagable. If she does want to be "done," she'll have to do the heavy lifting. She'll have to be the one to get (and pay for) an attorney. She'll have to be the one to file for divorce. She'll have to be the one to "find" grounds for divorce (good luck to her on that one).
2s2q. Nobody "likes" doing this. Everyone wants this to be over as quickly as possible and moving toward R. Everyone here has lost heart. Most of us do it routinely.
Obviously every situation is different. But I have two kids (5 & 2). The way I look at it is this. My wife is partially out the door. I am the one holding this marriage together, not her. If I give up, she'll give up. But in my situation, our kids will be much better off in the long term if we're together (my wife and I do care about each other and don't hate each other). And it's my job to do what's best for them regardless of the short-term pain it will cause me. I'm worried about the next 50 years for my kids (and their kids), not the next 12 months for myself.
Your kids are older so I can't completely relate. But you have a lot more positives going on than many of us here. If you act as defeated in front of your spouse as you did in this thread, I would imagine that your wife can see that as well. And no WAS thinks that's attractive.
Because I can't expect her to make a rational decision. That's part of the reason I'd never agree to a dissolution. Because that would just make it be "done" for her when I still believe VERY MUCH that our marriage is salvagable. If she does want to be "done," she'll have to do the heavy lifting. She'll have to be the one to get (and pay for) an attorney. She'll have to be the one to file for divorce. She'll have to be the one to "find" grounds for divorce (good luck to her on that one).
On this point I totally agree. This is my philosophy as well. That's why things on her end, for me, is moving too slow. My state though has something called "No Fault" and basically you can just say irreconcilable differences without having to prove anything. Funny they make getting loans and declaring bankruptcies harder but getting divorced easier.
On this point I totally agree. This is my philosophy as well. That's why things on her end, for me, is moving too slow. My state though has something called "No Fault" and basically you can just say irreconcilable differences without having to prove anything. Funny they make getting loans and declaring bankruptcies harder but getting divorced easier.
My state does have "incompatibility." But it has to be agreed by the spouse who hasn't file (myself). Which I will never agree to (we actually do get along). The other is that we don't live together for a year and THEN she has grounds.
Either way, it's time. I can't remember who has it in thier signature, but there is such a thing as the gift of time. 2S2Q, some people don't have that gift and it does seem like you do.
In my case, I am still 100% hopeful until she has grounds for divorce (even then I'll probably still be hopeful). I KNOW I can do the work needed to turn this around if I have time. And that's how I'd recommend you looking at it 2S2Q. You're looking at time in reverse. Treat it as your friend, not your enemy. If you're using DB techniques consistently, then you can make this work.
I agree. U have a better chance with a live-in WAS to turn things around than if you were physically separated.
My apologies, I didn't remember she is actually gone. Getting sitches mixed up.
Sorry...didn't mean to hijack the thread.
But I think it all does go back to 2S2Q's original thought of just wanting it to be "done."
It takes patience and time. Some people here are running out of time. Some have nothing but time. If a person REALLY wanted to save their marriage, then the more time....the better.
That's why GAL is ESSENTIAL to getting through our sitches when time is on our side.
2S2Q, I am going to jump on the bandwagon here and say that you might want to back up a few steps and look at things through a different lens.
If you really are done, you're done. There is no shame in that.
But I am not sure that you are really done, vs. you are tired of this crappy situation.
If you think it's that you really are done, how do you know?
I can tell you from being there right now, that having filed for D has really only made me feel worse. I didn't have a choice but to file, but if I did, I think I would have waited quite a bit longer. Not because I have really any hope that my H and I will R, but because you just never know what might happen.
There is nothing keeping you from living the life you want to live right now. The only thing you can't do while still M is get married to someone else.
It can get tiring having hope, and having your expectations/hopes constantly dashed. I get it. Maybe just focus on yourself for a bit, and see what happens. Stop thinking about your M, and your W, and what she is thinking, and what's going to happen, and just live.
2sq, I agree with M, if you can consider things for a little bit and look at 25s post again (wow it was really powerful) then perhaps you'd change your mind. I am in a similar situation to M in that certain circumstances made it necessary for me to begin a legal process. I got certain external information that lead me to believe that me and my kids would not be financially secure if I didn't take that step in my state to further separate me and my W.
I have heard things that tell me and have seen things that show me she hasn't been interested in being M in a long time. I'm sure that there are things I did that added to this. I'm sure that there are just parts of her own life that added to this. I'll have to sort out the issues that I brought to the table. I can't fix her's.
I also agree with M if you decide to move forward with legal stuff, there's not shame in that either. these situations are really confusing.
I will also say that I am impressed and amazed at the success of people like Bug and 25. they earned it. However, what they did is NOT COMMON. What they accomplished is a very small percentage and was only done because they changed for themselves and the person they are M to decided to re-engage them. the second part was completely out of their control. But because they changed, I don't think the second part was something they HAD to have happen....my 2 cents (or 4 cents...)
again there's no shame in moving forward. Or you can choose to move forward in a way that is not legal. Just by living your life. I would think that you also want companionship. if you're like me, you won't do anything about that without moving "formally" away from your M. I respect that. Some people do things like dating while separate and still hoping to R. I don't agree with that for myself. you have to think about what you want and what you need for you to be happy and for your kids to have the best dad on the planet.
we're here for you
No judgment from me about things.
I agree. U have a better chance with a live-in WAS to turn things around than if you were physically separated.
I don't know about this^^^. I'd like some data to support it, though I'm not sure how that would be obtained.
In my sitch, h leaving lowered the tension level big time. And over time, it gave me the chance to work on MY issues, a lot better than if he'd been there in my face the whole time.
The changes I made were more noticeable b/c we were not together on a daily basis, and finally, by making the rare interactions we had, better/different than before, h had a lot more to miss when he was gone.
The Contrast between the world HE was creating for himself and the homelife I was creating HERE, was huge,
in time. H noticed it b/c it was blindingly obvious.
I doubt that could have happened if he had remained in the home til we got so tired of each other that one of us bolted for good.
Just my .02
25, you make some great points. I was thinking if the WAS broke all contact with the LBS how would the WAS even notice anything if they were never together? Your point is very valid and im leaning towards your POV. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
I agree. U have a better chance with a live-in WAS to turn things around than if you were physically separated.
I don't know about this^^^. I'd like some data to support it, though I'm not sure how that would be obtained.
In my sitch, h leaving lowered the tension level big time. And over time, it gave me the chance to work on MY issues, a lot better than if he'd been there in my face the whole time.
The changes I made were more noticeable b/c we were not together on a daily basis, and finally, by making the rare interactions we had, better/different than before, h had a lot more to miss when he was gone.
The Contrast between the world HE was creating for himself and the homelife I was creating HERE, was huge,
in time. H noticed it b/c it was blindingly obvious.
I doubt that could have happened if he had remained in the home til we got so tired of each other that one of us bolted for good.
Just my .02
I think in most cases it can be a good thing depending on the situation. In my case, we originally separated in order to lessen the amount of time we had around each other therefore we fought less. And that has definitely been the case thus far. Which is most definitely a good thing. BUT, in my case my wife has "said" that she's as happy as she's been in years since we've been separated. Now, we've only been separated for about a month and I've only been DBing for about 20 days so it IS possible that she's just "saying" that and that isn't how she feels.
Time will tell I guess. If everything remains the same, the separation will just end up being one nail in the coffin.
Didn't mean to hijack again but separation needs to be considered VERY carefully because it could have unintended consequences depending on the situation.
BUT, in my case my wife has "said" that she's as happy as she's been in years since we've been separated. Now, we've only been separated for about a month and I've only been DBing for about 20 days so it IS possible that she's just "saying" that and that isn't how she feels.
Time will tell I guess. If everything remains the same, the separation will just end up being one nail in the coffin.
My wife said the same thing after about 3 days, but I understood her and I feel she meant every word of it. She carried a lot of guilt and stress about moving out before she actually left, and when she did a lot of stress was removed.
It hurts to hear these things, but time and GAL will help you move past it. I am two months in and feel completely different that I did at your point in the S. I try to not look at her actions with anger, but from her point of view and with empathy, but lack of empathy is one of my issues.
When I was at your same timeline I felt the same nail in coffin feelings you have. But something changed in me and I felt that being alone let me think about me and myself and how I had changed in my R. Some were positive and some were negative, but these are my opinions about myself and no the W's.
Take this time to change for you and make these changes permanent.
I am fresh in my sitch and DB, but these are my feelings/opinions right now. Take them or leave them.
"Truthfully, I don't have it in me to wait on her anymore,"
That's why you feel the way you do. You've been "waiting" on her. You're not supposed to "wait" on them to produce an action. You just live and continue to live the way you want to.
But if you're content at leaving, then you should draw up the paperwork and finish the deal.
Companionship. Is the biggest key here. I live my life very much as I want it now and that parts' great (would be better if I got rid of these debts). In fact I'm finally able to go ahead and do things irregardless of her busy schedule that always had me running around in circles for her.
The only part of my life that's waiting on her is the part where I wake up alone. I don't like it. I got used to it again, don't like it. I really like having a woman in my life.
But then I have to rewind on what it was like with her. She doesn't respect me. She didn't care if I was happy or not. She's one of these "my way or the highway" people and it drove me nuts.
There's so much work we'd need to do if we got together and she's not interested anyway. I'll take your word that the legal route might not be what I'm looking for.
Perhaps it's best to simply move on with my life. I haven't worn the ring in a couple weeks now and I don't plan on putting it back on any time soon.
Again, thanks all for your iput.much appreciated.
"She doesn't respect me. She didn't care if I was happy or not. She's one of these "my way or the highway" people and it drove me nuts. "
"Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us. "
There's so much work we'd need to do if we got together and she's not interested anyway.
Has she told you this? I know that she did at DB, and it's been a while since I read through your threads, but if I recall, she told you lots of different things, and while she didn't ever fully recommit (though it sounded like she was headed that way at one point), she also never reiterated her desire for D. Did she?
No she doesn't speak of divorce, she's not that direct...about anything. And anything she does say will go in circles as she runs away when you try to talk.
But her priorities speak very clearly that she's not interested. For example the time we had lunch was quite a merry go round of times and dates. She's with her friends and has plans any night of the week. Weekends are booked as well. Lunch is possible, but she's too busy any day except this one day. Why? It's not a priority. Her friends are a priority. Partying, clubbing, Caribbean holidays with her friends, these are a priority. Trust me, she has lots of time for them; she'll reschedule things with me for them and time with them is carved in stone.
I recently made the mistake of asking her if she'd be interested in spending a few days alone together. She said no, she'd like to but she doesn't have enough vacation days this year. Not too long later, guess who asked me to watch the kids an extra couple of days in March so she can go to the Dominican Republic with her friends? One of them found a good price and they all decided to go and she can't pass it up. Those are her priorities.
And when you do talk to her, she's a master of avoiding any sort of important conversation. She'll say something that's important, I'll follow up on it. I'll try to get her to explain further and understand but as soon as I try, she does the verbal version of a squid spraying ink to run away from a predator.
I hear a lot of resentment in what you are saying and I know where you are coming from, but you need to let that go it doesn't help you in whatever you decide to do
2 if its any help...my W does the same things....not fancy vacations but horse stuff. Anything with friends. I wss never a priority but you need to just get back to you. Dont hurt youself over that if you can. Whatever you decide to do...letting go will be a big part of it for your own ss nity and health. I'm going tbru it now. I know M is too. Keep up the work on you. No matter what you do.
My wife is the same. She lives her own life, makes her own plans, she doesn't even have the courtesy to tell me when she'll be home for dinner so I can organise dinner and the kids with her.
You're right, you're not a priority to her right now. Look at the positives though. There's less fighting, right? She speaks less about divorce, right? She's more pleasant to you, right? I look at these things from my wife as positive differences from BD and platforms from which to work from.
Wow reading what your wives are doing I realized I did a number of these things the last few years of my marriage to my H. I would either tell him that morning where I was going with the kids or just not invite him. Horse stuff was always a priority. Did not realize how much that must have hurt him. In the wishing I could change time space.
Men what is important to you in a marriage?
Everyone is different but I wish I KNEW I was a priority to my wife rather than have my wife assume I know it. I don't expect her to live in my pocket but I do expect (when times are good again) her to make time for me like she does for work, friends, her phone, etc.
I'm not getting my main point with you, across. Here goes a last attempt.
I believe You mind read and it's at her expense, or the expense of any possible positive spin. I understand you THINK that having such a skeptical view somehow protects you from bad things (yet you carry hopeful expectations with you on a daily basis, then complain that they were not met), which undermines any self protection you may have had, AND being negative does Not protect us.
It does not ward off bad things. If it makes any difference at all, it's bad for you b/c it ruins your "now" since you fear the other shoe will drop BECAUSE or WHILE you are happy, so you can't let yourself have fun or joy...You can't be happy or grateful today, b/c of your fears about tomorrow.
Secondly, negative projections/expectations really can bring about the very thing we fear losing the most. Like men/women who are terrified of being abandoned, so then they get too possessive or paranoid and mopey, and end up being a drag...so they get abandoned! Then they say "See? I was "right" to be so negative!! 
The irony of your signature phrase is being lost.
Please allow me to cross through things you have NO control over AND OR places where you mind read again, or project...
No she doesn't speak of divorce, she's not that direct...about anything. And anything she does say will go in circles as she runs away when you try to talk.
But her priorities speak very clearly that she's not interested.
For example the time we had lunch was quite a merry go round of times and dates. She's with her friends and has plans any night of the week. Weekends are booked as well. Lunch is possible, but she's too busy any day except this one day. Why?
Because she IS busy. She's trying to GAL big time. You should try some of that.
Also, you must must, Lose the scorecard. You seem to measure everything and your 'measuring cup' is skewed. (FYI< our spouses have their own scorecards and measuring cups. On their card, WE are way behind them...hence the need to get rid of the scorecard b/c they'll never match and they are destructive to marriages)...
When a good thing happens to HER, you feel it's unfair to YOU...
but it's NOT a contest. Her happiness level is not your "Misery Index". Plus you project happiness and galavanting on her end, so it's not even necessarily accurate.
But IF her car breaks down, it's not a "good" thing FOR YOU, right? So then why is her apparent, presumed contentment, negating anything in your life?
Who is responsible for your happiness?
(I know that you know you're supposed to say you are responsible for your happiness, but I wonder if you actually believe that...do you? Or, down deep, do you really believe that SHE is responsible for everything going on in your life?)
I see too much commentary from you, seething with resentment about her "happiness" b/c you are not happy... Man, that's so Not attractive or helpful to your situation at all... So again, I urge you to Lose the scorecard for your sake, and everyone else's.
If my h did that to me, now, post DBing, I'd be polite, act upbeat and THANK HIM for modeling the GAL for me so well.
That's the new improved me, not the old me, who would resent him for enjoying life when I felt miserable, b/c HEY if it does not make ME HAPPY then no one ought to be happy...
It's not a priority. Her friends are a priority. Partying, clubbing, Caribbean holidays with her friends, these are a priority. Trust me, she has lots of time for them; she'll reschedule things with me for them and time with them is carved in stone.
So you have proof she has never cancelled an event with them? You can prove she only, always, cancels with you??
So, if she cancels, then stop making plans with her. Why are you lunching anyhow? I mean, I don't think she's prioritizing her friends over you, so much as avoiding you. There's a difference.
Tell me why you believe she'd want to avoid you. Meaning, what is there to avoid by having lunch with YOU? Could it be something such as your anger, or neediness, or trying to guilt her, or an argument you have had many times before, maybe??
What if you told her you are happy that she is finally getting a chance to explore all the things she wanted to, but did not get a chance to, due to becoming a mom so young? I mean, after she picks up her jaw from the floor, what do you think it would reveal to her, about YOU?
(I Think it would be a big 180, if you really meant it...)
What if YOU were too busy next time she asked you to lunch?
Correction, has SHE invited you to lunch? Are these invitations From you, to her, which she is avoiding? It makes a difference.
I recently made the mistake of asking her if she'd be interested in spending a few days alone together. She said no, she'd like to but she doesn't have enough vacation days this year.
This^^ was a self inflicted wound, and I see nothing wrong with your w's polite refusal. She MAY have made up a white lie to protect your feelings. That's not bad of her; it's courteous and sensitive.
But for you to be in pursuit mode "recently," means you are not listening to the approach here. Did you really read the Div Busting or Div Remedy book??
I'm not trying to be a witch here, but I need to know if you simply don't agree with DBing, or don't get it, or have not read it, OR if you are mixing in different approaches.
It's best not to mix them b/c you never can tell what exactly worked and what exactly failed. Besides, although Div Busting is simple in that it's a solution based approach, it's also radically different than most other marital approaches, b/c they tend to go backwards in time, re-hashing battles and long simmering resentments, which usually builds to an angry conclusion about who is more at fault...
You cannot blame DBing for failing if you fail to DB.
Not too long later, guess who asked me to watch the kids an extra couple of days in March so she can go to the Dominican Republic with her friends? One of them found a good price and they all decided to go and she can't pass it up. Those are her priorities.
She did not want to spend time alone with YOU. That isn't about her "priorities" nearly as much as it is about who she wants to spend time with now.
It does not make her selfish or unkind, b/c she's being clear about boundaries with you. You don't like her boundaries. They hurt you and I understand that. But I don't find them vague or rude or selfish. At least not this one.
And when you do talk to her, she's a master of avoiding any sort of important conversation. She'll say something that's important, I'll follow up on it. I'll try to get her to explain further and understand but as soon as I try, she does the verbal version of a squid spraying ink to run away from a predator.
First, Stop the SVONing...(Swirling Vortex Of Negativity) with her. "Master of avoiding any important conversation..."
which YOU determine?? Only to say in the next sentence, "SHE'LL say something important"....
so she's NOT avoiding it! But you press for more
(& I'd bet 10-1 you make a remark that comes off as an argument from you, or an attack on her, so she shuts down again. I can tell this from your tone HERE)
Back off for real. What are you doing that is a 180?
She has a lot of friends and it's NOT b/c she's a jerk.
The real journey in life, is an inward one. What would you like to change in YOU?
Are any of her complaints about you, in any way, valid? (99% of us would answer 'yes' to that, so don't feel defensive.)
We are/were all trying to get the one upside out of this ORDEAL, out of our sad and infuriating experience...
and that "upside" is the personal journeys we take, leading us to becoming our best selves. We then discover that our best selves are our happiest most loving selves.
And man, if you then reconcile or have another r someday, it's a lot deeper.
Final comment:
At a mc, the BEST news YOU can get, is that YOU are the "wrong" one....
How can that be true?
B/c if you arrive at a MC's or therapist's office and they tell you, "2, you were and are a great, perhaps even perfect h. Your w is completely wrong to feel and do as she is..."
What does one do with that?^^^^ IT means you are powerless!
When 3 different MCs' told my h to his face that he was being "Selfish", "acting as if he were single", "not prioritizing his family", he told me to my face that I had 'Brain washed" the MCs.
B/C I'm a L, I "make them think h is wrong"...
Being "right" got me nowhere. The best news I got was from my own T, who later became OUR MC, when he suggested I handle things differently. He was a fan of DBing by the way.
When I finally found things in myself I wanted to change (not hard to find, but very hard to decide to look within, b/c blaming h was easier, much much easier...),
I found traits I admired inside me and I worked to hone them, but I found some significant character flaws (defensiveness, resentment, the desire to "teach h a lesson" which I TOLD MYSELF was about "fairness/justice", but was really me being punitive to h)
I saw things in me I did NOT want there. I worked hard to identify and eradicate those things, traits of mine not too charitable and then I sometimes had to replace them with new positive behaviors & thought patterns.
I highly recommend a TED Talk (youtube or Netflix) by Scott Achor and or Amy Cuddy, (2012 series) b/c they discuss how WE can make ourselves feel better and think better and literally create happier lives for ourselves. Their suggested actions are ALL dependent on our own actions...which means ALL of that is within our control!
THAT^^ IS EMPOWERING... I don't mean to say own all problems. But
when a counselor (or spouse), or friend, tells you about a flaw in you, you can deny/deflect and deride them for being "so critical", and gain nothing...
OR you can "do the 'Reconnassaince work', take it in to examine, decide if there is any validity to it and if you want to work on it.
See that as a GIFT, towards becoming the best you, that you can be.
Become a man only a fool would leave.
Once you make this^^ journey and then you become the best man you can become, then you turn your marriage over to God.
Then you can hold your head high, knowing you really gave it your best and you really are the man you always wanted to be, & you leave it in His hands.
Then, be at peace, regardless of outcome b/c the real outcome already happened. You became the new best you.
Divorce busting is mostly about US doing work to become better people,
and So, we save ourselves...sometimes that means our marriages and families get saved along with us.
Everyone is different but I wish I KNEW I was a priority to my wife rather than have my wife assume I know it. I don't expect her to live in my pocket but I do expect (when times are good again) her to make time for me like she does for work, friends, her phone, etc.
What would she have to do or say, so you could "KNOW" you are a priority?
Have you told her ^^this?
In the past, what efforts did you make to create that time with her?
Did you plan all/most/some or any dates or vacations or nights out for her?
Or did you leave it up to her? OR??
I don't want to hijack 2S2Q's question; I was just answering Mic's question. I'll be as concise as I can:
- Plan/suggest activities for us herself OR say something along the lines of "I'm sorry, I'm really busy right now but let's do something together in the next couple of weeks";
- Yes;
- I made suggestions to go and do things. At the time I saw it as rejection but now I understand I may not have been suggesting things that she wanted to do;
- I didn't plan anything for her; only events for us. If she wanted to go out without me she'd organise her own activities with her friends;
- Left it up to her.
Wow reading what your wives are doing I realized I did a number of these things the last few years of my marriage to my H. I would either tell him that morning where I was going with the kids or just not invite him. Horse stuff was always a priority. Did not realize how much that must have hurt him. In the wishing I could change time space.
Men what is important to you in a marriage?
Hi Mic, my W's horses are her priority. Over me and the kids. before that it was other things. me and the M never were. I wanted to spend time and rekindle our friendship. We didn't. Our C called it a tree and said we needed to water and nurture it. over the past few years, I told her, we're not watering the tree. It needs it or it will wither and die.
In the final weeks of living together, I told her my arms were breaking from carrying the water buckets. I wanted help. She refused. More time at the barn and with horse friends. it really can be addictive.
Now she spends all of her spare time there and lives apart from us. Me and the kids are slowly detaching. I filed for D this week due to looming financial issues (mostly due to spending on equestrian stuff) and a need to separate us formally in order to protect me and the kids.
I don't believe that my W will ever see this for what it was...I could be wrong (I know its mind reading...but venting at the moment).... Long time friends even backed away over the past couple of years due to it. Its a shame really.
I can tell you that W hangs with a crowd that I know. the 4 people she's been hanging with are all equestrian and all 4 have M on the brink of D (W +3 others currently separated). The 5th person is the W of a friend. I spoke with him and he said their M is now straining over the constant influx of H bashing the other 4 are doing (including my W).
I'm not sure any of this really helps you, but, I think I just vented the other side.
Good luck with your situation. I look forward to reading your thread.
25,
APPLAUSE: APPLAUSE:
Are u a therapist...or did you stay at a Holiday Inn last night?
LOL, LFC!
And great post, 25. Every time I see one of your posts (even if it's not on my own thread), it makes me think, and usually press the reset button on a couple of things.
Hi Paul9510
Thanks for letting me know. I do know one of our issues my H stated was he felt I had/am having an emotional affair with our farm and I did admit once that I loved the farm more than him. Did not mean it but was admitting at one point if I had to choose I would have chosen the farm. Ironically I am losing both now and am in the process of placing the majority of our animals/some of the horses and closing out my horse business. He actually has stepped up and is paying for all of the horse stuff I just sent him an email thanking him for being patient with me while I dismantle the business and place the horses. Sad thing is he is nicer and treating me better than he has in a long time. I know too little too late but I am seeing how I greatly disrespected him on so many issues.
One of my friends recently said "but you made a difference in the lives of so many children and helped save so many animals lives" I said yes I did but at the expense of my most important relationship (outside of God) If I would have nurtured my marriage the way I nurtured the farm I probably would not be here. Ironically when we first got married I wanted that farm more than anything so we went into debt for my husband to buy it for me and now it was one of the major items that caused our marriage to collapse.
I do agree that many women that get involved with horses are single or are on the brink of divorce. I wonder why that is?
Thanks
It is nice to hear the other perspective (from the man's point of view)
I don't know if it's horses or any obsession that interferes with a relationship in general. It could be horses, cars, drugs, alcohol, sports, videogames, anything.
It's like the woman who marries the homicide detective in a crime filled area then divorces him 'cause he's never home. HUH?
No she doesn't speak of divorce, she's not that direct...about anything. And anything she does say will go in circles as she runs away when you try to talk.
But her priorities speak very clearly that she's not interested. For example the time we had lunch was quite a merry go round of times and dates. She's with her friends and has plans any night of the week. Weekends are booked as well. Lunch is possible, but she's too busy any day except this one day. Why? It's not a priority. Her friends are a priority. Partying, clubbing, Caribbean holidays with her friends, these are a priority. Trust me, she has lots of time for them; she'll reschedule things with me for them and time with them is carved in stone.
2s2q, you're really pushing the "reasons to hate W" agenda lately, I'm curious if you're trying to convince us or yourself? The stuff you're telling us is no revelation, it's all right out of the WAS playbook (1st edition). All of the above is a reflection on how she feels right NOW. Tomorrow, who knows? Quit focusing so darned much on her WAS state-of-mind, that is not who she was and is probably not who she will be, it is just who she is right now. That's why DB'ing focuses on US, because we can't change or fix them. We can't snap them out of it. We can only influence them slowly and indirectly by changing ourselves.
I recently made the mistake of asking her if she'd be interested in spending a few days alone together.
Get back to basics. Read
Sandi2's 37 Rules at least once a day.
I'll try to get her to explain further and understand but as soon as I try, she does the verbal version of a squid spraying ink to run away from a predator.
My W and I are trying to work out the details of the D right now. When I send her an email I get no reply. When I call she doesn't answer. When I bring it up face-to-face she deflects. Why? Who knows, she was the one that wanted D so bad and now when it's in her grasp she suddenly is in avoidance mode. It only takes one to D, if you're done with your W then that's your option to pursue. But you don't need to convince us it's "right", we might try to talk you out of it initially just to make sure you've really thought it through, but in the end we support people here even if they decide to pursue D themselves.
I'll leave you with a story, those that read my threads probably remember my buddy that is reconciling with his W. I had lunch with him a couple of days ago and each time I usually ask for more details about his sitch. He and his W barely spoke for over a year (he says it may have been closer to two years). She said he was the reason for everything wrong in her life. She couldn't stand him. He was mean, treated her poorly, didn't respect her, he caused famine and global warming and everything else. After almost two years of NC he realized it was over and got on with his life. Then out of the blue she called him and asked him out to a movie. He went just as a friend. I still remember when it happened several years ago, he thought it was odd but just shrugged and went. It was a good 6 months before things became intimate again, but she recently told him that she knew at that movie that she was in love again. Now he is the greatest thing that ever happened to her. She has totally FORGOTTEN all the bad things that a few years ago were all she could REMEMBER. Now all she can remember is that they've ALWAYS had a great M!
So remember that. Your W feels that way RIGHT NOW. Don't react to her feelings. Work on you because her feelings may change, and if they do you want her to look back at a road to you that's paved and smooth.
My goodness, AS, you brought a tear to my eye with that one.
Thanks for sharing that story, AS. Very inspiring and brought a smile to my face.
25-LOVE your perspective. You are amazing. Thanks for taking the time out of your day to help those of us that are struggling. I hope I can do the same some day
2S2Q-I can relate to your feelings of frustration, but reread 25's posts and then review yours. You DO have a lot of positives that I feel you are overlooking by being so frustrated. Review your 180's and strive for YOUR happiness. The happier I feel, the better I feel about my sitch. I'm doing everything I can right now to have only positive thoughts and it really helps. I agree with you on feeling lonely. I long for someone to share my day and cuddle with. But that's just more reasons to be the best me.
That was a very inspirational story AS, I think you gave a lot of people here hope with that one.
Thanks, AS. Great story.
My pleasure, glad you all found it inspirational
The buddy in question has been a good friend for over 20 years. He is a really nice, laid back guy. I can't remember ever hearing him raise his voice or show anger. Hard to imagine his W could have laid so much fault on him, it just made no sense. Sometimes WAS's complaints are valid and sometimes they're just spew from the fog. His reconciliation had more to do with giving his W time and space than any changes he made in himself, because he really didn't make any changes. He just stayed true to himself and he left her alone. I'm not saying we shouldn't change ourselves, we should always strive to be better. But his story highlights that the WAS's path is just as much about their personal journey as it is about the LBS doing things to draw them back.
Agree 100% with that A.S. In my case my W does have a beef and it's something that certainly has to be corrected (I have a temper but have never hurt her). BUT, that one thing snowballed into so many little things with her for a while to where all she could do was focus on negative things.
And I've been trying to reverse that cycle for a few weeks now. With SOME results. Still a long way to go.
Agree 100% with that A.S. In my case my W does have a beef and it's something that certainly has to be corrected (I have a temper but have never hurt her).
What would your wife say to this statement? ^^^ I mean, if you have a temper, it must show. So, what happens? You have never hit her, is what i assume you meant when you said you'd "never hurt her". I'd bet a lot of money that you have hurt her. Just wanted to mention that you have to be careful with your glossing over....
BUT, that one thing snowballed into so many little things with her for a while to where all she could do was focus on negative things.
And I've been trying to reverse that cycle for a few weeks now. With SOME results. Still a long way to go.
Not sure if this will give false hope or just inspiration, but I recently saw the movie "Stuck In Love" and it deeply resonated with me and my h. (Our d16 picked it!!)
But I'm not now in the midst of the whole "DB Ordeal" atm, so perhaps my perspective enables me to see that movie and simply feel happy in a bittersweet way.
I recommend it also b/c it shows the kids perspectives too. Check it out if you think you need more patience in your situation, b/c the movie will inspire you to do that, I hope.
25, I actually ordered it. its on the way (along w/ Riddick and a sex how-to video)
25, I actually ordered it. its on the way (along w/ Riddick and a sex how-to video)
interesting movie night!
Agree 100% with that A.S. In my case my W does have a beef and it's something that certainly has to be corrected (I have a temper but have never hurt her).
What would your wife say to this statement? ^^^ I mean, if you have a temper, it must show. So, what happens? You have never hit her, is what i assume you meant when you said you'd "never hurt her". I'd bet a lot of money that you have hurt her. Just wanted to mention that you have to be careful with your glossing over....
BUT, that one thing snowballed into so many little things with her for a while to where all she could do was focus on negative things.
And I've been trying to reverse that cycle for a few weeks now. With SOME results. Still a long way to go.
Not sure if this will give false hope or just inspiration, but I recently saw the movie "Stuck In Love" and it deeply resonated with me and my h. (Our d16 picked it!!)
But I'm not now in the midst of the whole "DB Ordeal" atm, so perhaps my perspective enables me to see that movie and simply feel happy in a bittersweet way.
I recommend it also b/c it shows the kids perspectives too. Check it out if you think you need more patience in your situation, b/c the movie will inspire you to do that, I hope.25, here's the link to my thread so we don't jumble up this one.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2430024&page=allI'll discuss it there. Obviously I DID hurt her but you are right about having to be careful how I address that with her. On 2/24 I have a lenghthy post that goes into a little bit of detail on the temper issue.
Hello,
I see many names I don't recognize, it's been a while since I've posted here.
My wife moved out last September. It was a shock at the time though now I see the signs so clearly, I was kind of retarded not to understand. I read DB and DR, followed the rules as best I could and thought it was a failure because I had hoped that in a few months she'd show signs of returning. When she didn't, I said my goodbye to the good people here and moved on with my life. The "no contact" rule wasn't a strategy, I was just done. I lived my life, did what I wanted, got used to sleeping in the middle of the bed and held off on dating because I decided to wait until July before doing anything legal.
People, sometimes it's like they know!!!! The day I came back to work from vacation, I was just about to dial for the free legal counselling I get through my job's benefits when my cell phone started to ring. It was her. She was in tears. She was having a very hard time, she wanted to talk about it. I listened, I took the opportunity to provide a perspective. By the end of the conversation she told me she misses me and still loves me. I was honest and admitted I still loved her too. End of phone call.
She texted me several times over the next few days. Phone calls. Stupid conversations about nothing and then deep ones about how life was. We took a few walks together. She told me what was wrong for her. I was sympathetic but I wasn't about to coddle her and kiss her butt, she heard in no uncertain terms how life wasn't easy for me either. She even texted me to admit that she had acted selfishly and that it wasn't intentional. I recognized things I did wrong too.
We've had a lot of talks. She told me she's not ready to come back yet but she enjoys reconnecting. It's fine, I'll wait some more for now. We'll see what happens. The problem I'm facing now is that all the conversations lead to re-hashing the past and airing grievances. It's at the point she's always repeating herself and seems to be trying to re-tell things in response to my side of the story.
I'm kind of done with this. I'm happy to reconnect, I'm glad we shed light on each other's situations but it seems now that re-visiting the past isn't helping to move forward and she seems to be trying to "scold" me for things. There's a lot of "well it would have been nice if you had said this" and "you should have told me this and that" or "well you should have been better at communicating". It's kind of gotten on my nerves.
I'm trying to find a way to direct the conversations to the future. For action. She says she's not ready to move back, I'm not pushing it but it seems to me there needs to be movement in a direction, not spinning around in the past.
Is this something I should be doing? Should I just let her do this until she's ready to move forward or should I take the lead for change?
By change, I mean move towards doing things together, invite her for a drink or to come for a hike, be people who have experiences together...I don't mean try to convince her to talk about moving back in.
Wow! I'm happy to hear that things are turning around. What i hear your wife saying she needs is a little validation. She wants you to recognize that she has needs when she says, "it would have been nice if you had said this", etc. Nothing wrong with saying, "Your'e right, that would have been a better way to handle it". She's telling you plainly what she needs to hear from you in certain situations. She's scripting it out for you - that's a gift. Don't push her to talk about the future, this is all still new and you guys are still figuring this out. Listen, listen, listen. A wise person once told me to applaud the 1% that she is right. Stop looking to set her straight or allow her expressing herself to get on your nerves. DB this! Listen, validate and come from a place of understanding or wanting to understand. Let her words permeate and allow change in your for the better. This communication is a gift that you may not realize right now but it is. It really is. I think (but I'm not a vet so get a vet to weight in before you take my advice) going our for a drink is a good idea but be ready to listen, listen, listen and validate like crazy! Use this opportunity to show her you've made some changes - GOOD changes.
Hang in there. Vent to a friend about stuff getting on your nerves... not to her!!!i
2s2q
Good to hear from you and thank you for posting this. Stories like this helps all of us keeping our hopes up!
Unfortunately I cant advice you on what to do but hopefully a VET will stop by and give you some thoughts on this.
All the best!
F
I definitely won't be pushing talks in that direction if she's not ready.
My concern is that a lot of this is happening as she's explaining she's not ready to return and plans on renewing her lease so a part of me suspects she's trying to test my availability or keep me within reach.
She still wears the wedding rings and told me she can't see me out of her life long term, she just has things to sort through.
I think it's time I re read the book.
2S2Q, good to hear from you! Love to hear the positive developments in your sitch.
Do you want your W back?
I have always thought that it would be hard to R after DBing, because it isn't sustainable to put your feelings into a box and stuff it in the back of the closet. Yet I think that oftentimes, the WAS enjoys having all the focus on him/her (and the blame on the LBS), and that is what lures them back in.
If you feel like you have been over and over this stuff, you have validated her, and you have acknowledged your responsibility for the problems you had, perhaps you can gently tell her that you would prefer to focus on the positive - what you have learned, how things can be different, how you can have a better R going forward.
2S2Q, does she have work to do? Do you need her to do it in order to move forward with her? What do YOU need from her in order to have a successful R with her?
Well she did acknowledge that she acted selfishly. That was big and I waited a long time to hear it. For it to be a successful R, I need to be able to forgive her. It's harder than I thought it would be. Perhaps it's good this sort of thing takes time.
She assured me there hasn't been anyone else but I don't know if I believe it.
For me, she needs to prove she's changed and that in the future she understands that we need to work on our problems between us, not talk a mountain of crap with her friends about me and them plan an escape.
That's for me. For her, she says she needs me to be clear about what I want and to communicate. To not be passive aggressive, instead be honest and clear. It's all to-be-continued.
How are you doing Melissa?
I think you need to go back to the goal-setting chapter of DR and be more precise in your goals. If your W isn't scolding you for the past, then what is she doing? How do you respond? And so on.
I've oversimplified it so go back to the book and start at step one.
Best wishes for a successful reconciliation, and keep posting as you explore this.
Yes I grabbed the book this morning and will be re reading it today.
I responded to the scolds by talking about communication which I think is wrong. In retrospect I realize she's dodging things that way. I told her some important things I wanted an answer to and she responded the wrong way.
I need to explain my statements better so they illicit a response. If I get another "well wouldn't it be nice if you had just said that" I will have to respond "well I'm telling you now so let's discuss it".
If you can find it (my local library had it), there's a book called "I love you, but I don't trust you" that has some very helpful points about rebuilding a relationship and trust after betrayals. One of the points that came to mind when I read your recent posts was that the betrayed spouse (we'll call your W the betrayed spouse here since she's bringing up grievances from the past that have hurt her) needs to hear the other spouse tell the betrayed spouse's story, so that she gets that you truly understand her. The book talks about how when the betrayed spouse starts rehashing the same things over and over, often it's because the other spouse's response is along the lines of "Yeah, I understand, and I'm sorry, BUT.." or proceeds to tell their side of the story/why they did it. What the betrayed spouse needs to hear is a recount of what you did and how it hurt them, or their story - not your side of the story, not justifications, not excuses. For example: "Yes, I was really poor at communicating. I didn't do X/Y/Z when what you wanted was A/B/C. You felt unheard and etc. etc. etc.... what can I do differently to in the future?" Another way I've heard such a response put here on the boards is "Yes, I'm so sorry for that hurt and pain I caused before. I can't change the past, all I can change is the future, so going forward what else can I do differently?" - but maybe put in a little more reflection/acknowledgement of what she told you she felt in the past.
You said "It's at the point she's always repeating herself and seems to be trying to re-tell things in response to my side of the story." I can see why she's repeating herself - she wants to know that you understand HER side of the story. She doesn't want your justifications. If my H was telling me his side of the story in response to things I was trying to explain to him, I would NOT feel like he really understood where I was coming from or that he hurt me, but was instead trying to make excuses for himself. Granted I don't know how much you guys have already talked about, but the book I mentioned may be helpful in this situation.
Well I'll add that one to my list then. Hanks for the tip.
I'm not great at communicating, I wouldn't be surprised to find I'm doing it wrong.
Hello all,
After my last post about how my WAW approached me and we started talking, I felt great. I was starting to read DR again, we were communicating. The talks weren't going so great, we disagreed about quite a few things but that's ok, I wasn't naive enough to think it wouldn't take time and work. But then something happened.
My step son (young adult who lives with me) started acting weird. Temperamental, bad moods, talking to himself. Soon he began sending strange text messages with weird accusations and mean things today to his mother and sister. Eventually he was doing it with me too. He began staying up all night screaming at himself, furious rages that scared everyone. He was keeping weapons in his room and was screaming at the neighbours, accusing people of watching him. I had to spend several nights at other people's homes and had the kids at her place. In time I e was able to convince him to come to a hospital and they forced him to stay for anti-psychotic Meds. It seems he may have become schizophrenic.
During this time, as you can imagine, there wasn't time to talk romance and relationships. She's now on the verge of a breakdown. Somehow I became the enemy for saying I can't help him. He's coming back home medicated part time to my home but were going to have a social worker find him a place to live. It seems I'm unfeeling and cold hearted because I can't live with him anymore. I won't lie, it scares me. There's nothing of reason with the rages. I can't help him and I can't place myself or the younger kids in danger if ever the Meds aren't working or he decides he doesn't need them anymore.
This is beyond square one. It feels like were farther back than ever before. I'm trying to get her to talk about her feelings, work with her on this but she's only doing that with her friends now. I'm disappointed. I thought we'd somehow work together on this but we aren't. I've been mostly on my own with this problem. It's pretty depressing. I wouldn't be surprised if this kills whatever chance we had.
Oh wow, 2S. That is a tough situation. I am a little bit confused - your W no longer lives with you, correct? But her adult son does? If I am understanding that correctly, I am confused as to why you are so cold hearted yet she does not have him living with her? (And FTR, I agree that you cannot have an unstable person around your younger children. Or really, you either.)
I'm sorry that things have gone awry with the reconciliation. Perhaps this will just be a blip on the radar, or maybe it will be a turning point - to see if the two of you can make it through.
He has had behaviour problems for a long time. We now see it was a precursor to this mental illness. Her answer for a long time was to be the mother bear and defend whatever he does or say or feels and be mad at everyone around him.
In her view, he's taking Meds now so the problem's solved and I'm cold hearted for saying that it isn't enough. I agreed he can come back to my home temporarily. That well do a gradual return to see how it works. But I've made it clear to her and his doctor that he can't stay, this is only a transition so he doesn't become homeless. She won't take him in, he's stressed her to the point of a breakdown. There's a social worker assigned to him to help him find housing that offers I dependant living but with medical supervision. He can do this for a year or so as he stabilizes and learns to be more independent.
Everyone around me agrees with my decision, his doc told me he can't guarantee he wouldn't become violent and understands my position too. But I guess mothers don't think that way? To her, his feelings are the most important thing.
Oooh, this is a very tough situation. I'm not sure what I would do in your situation but I feel like the safety and well being of the younger kids and yourself are paramount.
I understand your W is a momma bear and wants to consider his feelings. That is really important but denial of the actual situation doesn't help him any. He needs help and to be watched so he doesn't lapse on his meds AT ALL.
I'm so sorry things are becoming even more complicated.
I still do not understand why she would criticize you for not wanting him to live with you permanently, if she is not willing to have him live with her. ??
Honestly, it sounds to me like she is having some difficult feelings about the situation, and she is taking it out on you. You are doing nothing wrong. You probably won't be able to convince her of this, though. Let some time pass and see what happens when the smoke clears.
Do you want to R with her?
She agrees with him transitioning but conversations went in ways she didn't like.
She would say "first he needs to come home and when he feels comfortable we can discuss it with him in a way he doesn't feel pushed out" I would answer "we need to discuss this transition ASAP as he begins to come back. I'm not comfortable with this situation at all and if he's going to object or refuse to cooperate I need to know before he's released".
I understand it sounds cold or unemotional but I'm sorry that's how it has to be.
This long weekend he's at my place during the day while she's spending it away with friends at a cottage because she feels like she's on the edge of a burnout.
She texted me once with "I wish the younger ones could stay with you permanently and he'd stay with me" in anger. I asked her to confirm that as a request and she never said it again.
I would love to R but it seems so foreign now. I can barely remember holding her anymore. She almost seems a stranger.
How about you Melissag? I'm sorry I haven't kept up with your situation. Any progress I. Yours?
Maybe I'm an emotional 'tard, maybe I just over complicate everything.
Has anyone ever gotten to a point where the solution to the "hole in your heart" was to just get the situation over with more than it was to have her back? I know it sounds like I'm in the tedious details but that's how it seems now. I still love her, I do but the hurt seems to have a different solution now.
Is this just normal part of GAL?
I have no idea what is "normal" so I won't speak to that but I will say I vacillate between wanting to throw in the towel myself and wanting to work so freaking hard it'll make his head spin to see the marriage we'll have if he just would consider it.
I often think that just throwing in the towel, while super tempting, is a temporary solution to a permanent problem and my efforts are better spent working at chipping away at the permanent problem, you know?
Just my thoughts.
For me that is about once a week. DB'ing when your WAS is being just plain evil, or is lashing out and hurting you is tough.
I switch between just wanting this to be over, to seeing a glimmer of hope in my WAW eye and getting hope.
Then I get hit in the face by her actions. And I lay bloodied on the floor just trying to stuff something into the whole in my heart...
So yes, this is normal.
I feel like that all the time. Its a roller coaster. One minute I have hope and just feel relieved that things are calm. The next minute I want to move on and KNOW that I deserve better. I think what you are feeling is natural. It's a hard situation and an emotional roller coaster. I think we all know what we want deep down inside. Sometimes it takes some digging to find out what it is......
Pic just had a text based screaming match with WAW and it's like I'm talking to a wall. It's difficult when you're trying to understand another person but it seems like the person would rather accuse and scold you than try to talk with you about a problem.
I'm looking for feedback about the end of this arguement. Background, she's overwhelmed about all of the things we've been up to with ss20. Picking s14 from football is too much for her. She didn't say that to me though, she said it's a PIA because of the rain, tells me about her groceries, a doctors appointment...everything except what's actually bothering her. After much fighting (because it took me a while to finally understand the real root problem) I told her that it would be better if she'd tell me that instead of everything else. It's easier for me to help that way.
Her answer "you should have known that. I shouldn't have to tell you".
My reply "you'll always have to tell me. I'm not a mind reader. I'm not expecting it from you and you can't expect it from me".
I'm not sure if I did the right thing. Her comment seems so childish I don't even know if it was worth replying. Did I explain it right? Would you have said it that way? It just seems that it's an unreasonable expectation and that we need to communicate, not assume the other side understands.
Ok, I totally see where you're coming from here but let's look at it another way for the sake of... looking at it another way.
What if she was trying to vent with the rain and the football and the groceries and doctor's appointments...
Perhaps some validation would have worked better.
"wow, that IS a lot. It sounds like you're overwhelmed."
I wonder if that would have soothed her a little and she would have perhaps said something like,
"It is overwhelming. It's just a lot to handle but I can do it although maybe I can ask you to help me out with football pick up occasionally?"
Wdyt?
Yo said that much better than I did. I simply said "if it's too much for you, don't worry I'm used to it I can do it myself" which got her more angry because d9 would have to come with me and she needs to get to bed earlier than that.
In the end she asked me to ask a parent for help getting him a lift home.
I said it's an idea I'll try to get help with. Maybe I didn't validate enough before trying solutions. Thanks. This isn't easy.
Journaling. Things haven't changed much at all. She continues to be interested in anything but family life. She's not used to hearing me argue with her and she's not taking it very well lol!
I think because of the dynamic of my listening, validating (as best I can) she kind of got used to me taking her crap comments with ease and discussing the issues. Now, I kind of lost my patience. The snippy comments with demands in caps lock and swearing aren't tolerated anymore. The last time she decided to hang up on me instead of listening when I had something to say resulted in a text message telling her I'm willing to talk and help but I'll be treated with respect or it won't happen (all of a sudden she's claiming her phone cuts the line).
I'm detaching. I still think about her a lot but I'm emotionally detaching. It's for the best, whatever the result.
Yesterday was a rough day. Last year yesterday was the day she signed that lease and moved out. I knew that day was coming. I felt it coming and felt like throwing it in her face all week but instead I kept it to myself.
Guess what? She didn't say anything either. I don't even think she knows. All she did was send me a random text message about how her retirement savings plan at her new job wasn't the same and asked how she needs to handle that. I was like really? That's it? Nothing else to say?
I guess it's good I didn't say anything seeing as it want much to her either.
She told me last week her shrink wants her to go on short term disability because she's on the edge of a burnout. Says she can't sleep without Meds even though she's exhausted. Says she can't handle stress or problems right now. I responded that if she needed help I was available but she went radio silent.
I am perplexed. Why approach me to tell me you miss and love me and then run away. Sheesh!
"All she did was send me a random text message about how her retirement savings plan at her new job wasn't the same and asked how she needs to handle that. I was like really? That's it? Nothing else to say?"
What did you expect her to say? It doesn't seem like a big deal, yet YOU are the one who puts importance with it.
"I am perplexed. Why approach me to tell me you miss and love me and then run away. Sheesh!"
This shows that you haven't learned how to be compassionate towards her. She wanted you to just listen and be understanding. She doesn't want you to solve the problem for her. Women are like that. If you don't learn that, you won't save your M.
She wanted you to just listen and be understanding. She doesn't want you to solve the problem for her. Women are like that. .
^^this^^
MrBond is a wise man.
I have no idea what to expect. It had been stressing me out for a while, I was just surprised she had nothing to say about that but would have questions about a very mundane subject.
It's just crazy how much i stress more about this than her. And how it all changed so quickly. I had detached, I was doing my own thing and life was finally beginning to feel normal again when she approached me to "talk" and tell me she still loves me and explained *explicitly* that she can't see herself living away from me on a long term basis. And now we're back to transactional conversations.
I guess I'm mostly stressed seeing as she went back to her shell just as I really needed someone. Stepson's episodes were really stressful.