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Dear All

This is my first post. Background is have unmarried partner of 12 years with S7 and D4. We both live in Europe and have families in the antipodes. My partner has on and off complained about my weight 95kg, 179cm and that I have not done enough at home. At various times she has expressed pov that we do not connect.

I am main bread winner and have focused on career and looking after S and D, I do most of the weekend and after office activities, bath time when I am home. W has always been very focused on exercise and spends 8+ hours a week running, gym and yoga.

Last Nov W told me she was unhappy and wanted to separate, she would not consider counselling, said she had suppressed her feelings for 3 years and there were no emotions. Our relation had been non physical for some time and when I asked she had said it was tiredness, exercise and work. I had raised with her that we needed to do more as a couple and sadly let her brush me off.

In Dec I discovered an affair with a work colleague, she promised to break contact physically but has not done this and I have discovered she is still seeing him.

We live in a country where our right to stay is linked to our accommodation status so it has been impossible for us to physically separate and she says she will not move in with OM and will not leave without children. Because we are not married our jurisdiction did not recognise that i had any parental rights over S and D. W would not give them to me and I commenced legal action which resulted in W giving me Parental Responsibility.

I am in a strong position financially but not enough to sell our house and for us both to buy again on this island. The house will take over a year to sell and W wants to move out and is trying to obtain permission to stay on the island in a different type of housing. I do not think this will be successful. I feel we would be better to return to one of our homelands and be closer to family.

W said she wanted to try again and I let her come on holiday skiing with my mum and children. W was detached, admitted has feelings for OM and on return said it cant work and there is too much damage but she still will not leave the house due to her limited housing options. Living like this damaging our relationship, she often insults me and is unable to have a sensible constructive discussion without being derisory.

I am focusing on me but find I am left to look after the children and W will not agree a new routine for the children so I am being pulled by her routine.

I feel now that my only option is to have her out of the house so I can focus on improving me as a person, living my own life and being in a position to support my children. W has said the current situation is hell.

I have made many mistakes and confided in family and friends about the situation. Is it too late to 180, should I let her stay and risk diluting my rights over S and D, or in worst case she leaves with them and I am stuck with house.

^

My Position

ME 44
WAW 41
S7
D4
R 11 Years
Bomb 11/12
A 12/12

Try Again 3/13 WAW changed mind 4/14 post holiday

Originally Posted By: Rockwallaby

Dear All

This is my first post. Background is have unmarried partner of 12 years with S7 and D4. We both live in Europe and have families in the antipodes. My partner has on and off complained about my weight 95kg, 179cm and that I have not done enough at home. At various times she has expressed pov that we do not connect.

I am main bread winner and have focused on career and looking after S and D, I do most of the weekend and after office activities, bath time when I am home. W has always been very focused on exercise and spends 8+ hours a week running, gym and yoga.

Last Nov W told me she was unhappy and wanted to separate, she would not consider counselling, said she had suppressed her feelings for 3 years and there were no emotions. Our relation had been non physical for some time and when I asked she had said it was tiredness, exercise and work. I had raised with her that we needed to do more as a couple and sadly let her brush me off.

In Dec I discovered an affair with a work colleague, she promised to break contact physically but has not done this and I have discovered she is still seeing him.

We live in a country where our right to stay is linked to our accommodation status so it has been impossible for us to physically separate and she says she will not move in with OM and will not leave without children. Because we are not married our jurisdiction did not recognise that i had any parental rights over S and D. W would not give them to me and I commenced legal action which resulted in W giving me Parental Responsibility.

I am in a strong position financially but not enough to sell our house and for us both to buy again on this island. The house will take over a year to sell and W wants to move out and is trying to obtain permission to stay on the island in a different type of housing. I do not think this will be successful. I feel we would be better to return to one of our homelands and be closer to family.

W said she wanted to try again and I let her come on holiday skiing with my mum and children. W was detached, admitted has feelings for OM and on return said it cant work and there is too much damage but she still will not leave the house due to her limited housing options. Living like this damaging our relationship, she often insults me and is unable to have a sensible constructive discussion without being derisory.

I am focusing on me but find I am left to look after the children and W will not agree a new routine for the children so I am being pulled by her routine.

I feel now that my only option is to have her out of the house so I can focus on improving me as a person, living my own life and being in a position to support my children. W has said the current situation is hell.

I have made many mistakes and confided in family and friends about the situation. Is it too late to 180, should I let her stay and risk diluting my rights over S and D, or in worst case she leaves with them and I am stuck with house.

My situation is above, WAW will not engage and has made it clear that she does not want me and does not find me attractive. It has been going on five months.

I feel that to move on and improve myself I have no choice but to ask her to leave, which she has refused to do to date. She has always tried to control the relationship and I can now see that by trying to placate and support her she has seen me as weak and indecisive.

She is still in contact with OM and I need the house we are in to remain here and work. She has refused to leave the island and I think shee needs to go and live with her OM to find the reality of it.

Hello and welcome, sorry you're going through this, especially with the increased complexity of your living arrangements

Originally Posted By: Rockwallaby

Living like this damaging our relationship, she often insults me and is unable to have a sensible constructive discussion without being derisory

That's often the case, many WAS's are kind, loving and supportive one day and literally overnight transform into uncaring at best; angry, vindictive and abusive at worst.

Quote:

I feel now that my only option is to have her out of the house so I can focus on improving me as a person, living my own life and being in a position to support my children. W has said the current situation is hell.

Often a separation brings healing, even if it doesn't heal the M it can heal much of the bitterness. I was in hell until my W moved out, I was surprised to find that even though the S was all about her, it brought me a lot of healing and recovery as well, maybe even more than it did W. W even told me she was jealous of my newfound confidence and stability when she herself still felt confused.

Quote:

I have made many mistakes and confided in family and friends about the situation.

That's OK, we all have backslides. From now on just tell them that you're both taking this time to sort things through and leave it at that.

Quote:

Is it too late to 180, should I let her stay and risk diluting my rights over S and D, or in worst case she leaves with them and I am stuck with house.

It's never too late for 180's, they are as much about improving ourselves as they are repairing the M. Regarding letting her stay, that's a choice you'll have to make on your own. If you do let her stay, then try and detach as much as you can. Give her time and space. Read DR, read Sandi's DB 180 tips (sticky at top of forum) and put those into practice.

Good luck!

WAS has been in tears the last few nights. She does not want to lose her family or house and has said she does not understand why she is not able to find me attractive, she wants to and is clear from her face that she is filled with sorrow a d a lot of stress. She is worried about affect on S and D is separation.

Looking forward to book arriving, trying to remain detached focused on my own improvements.

Hi and I am also sorry you find yourself in this situation. Are you working with a DB coach? It would be so helpful on how to deal with her and make these important decisions, and help keep you strong. They are in your corner, guiding you how to go forward in a way that is most likely to get through to her. Take care and I would look forward to talking to you.

Hi

I asked her yesterday if she is still carrying on affair and emotionally attached. She replied if she wanted to it would be, the OM is keen, but she feels she needs to resolve a lot of issues by herself before she considers any other relationship ad that this applies if we are to work on our R as well.

We had counselling via Skype with a contact in the UK on Weds, he was very good, incisive and we have booked another session next week. I think it will take awhile to cut through some of these issues. Have started book now and reading the theory at the start.

Have said it is up to her if she wants to go at the moment, her decision, I am not going to use threats over finances to push her out. I think I need to define this more carefully. If she is continuing the A then I would want her to move out, I am not sure would know as I am not prepared to snoop anymore (did in the beginning)

A db might help for me

Originally Posted By: Rockwallaby

WAS has been in tears the last few nights. She does not want to lose her family or house and has said she does not understand why she is not able to find me attractive

While we instruct the LBS that DB is about working on becoming better individuals, regardless of the outcome, we also generally do not focus on the distinction between WAS and MLC. Yet there are some very distinct differences.

If your W is a WAS, what you do to "fix" yourself and the issues your W has indicated she has with you can eventually save the M. Of course, these changes have to be permanent / real, and be because you want to, regardless of whether your M is saved.

OTOH, if your W is MLC, nothing you do will "fix" the problem, as the problem truly is within your W. WAS are generally clear on what they want (or don't want) and are seeking to move on or have clearly defined path (in their minds) of moving on, once the LBS gets the BD.

Your W suggested that an issue is with your weight, yet you don't indicate if you are muscle bound or not. Obviously, if you are not a body builder, 195kg is unhealthy for your height... So how would you address this? This would be part of your GAL as well as a 180 and done for YOU.

Your W suggesting that her working out is causing her to be tired? That's script. People generally find that if they are active, they become rejuvenated unless they are not used to the effort. Obviously, your W was just using that as an excuse. Like I said, script. How long had she been working out like that?

As you found, your W found interest in someone else. So this is simply a reminder that often, the excuses for being distant really just point to some sort of EA / PA. The EA / PA is a symptom, so as much as it hurts to know about it, do your best to not take it personally. It was her choice, even if she rationalized it in her head.

Finally, your last post speaks to your W's confusion. Of all the things you've posted, this last one does help put a more clear picture on where your W is at. The being "tired" (which could be very true) and the confusion, could point to depression, which is a primary component in MLC, tied with possible changes in life style and outbursts and EA / PA... well...

The point is, if your W is MLC, then what you do will not matter. Detach, "fix" yourself, become a man that only a fool would leave, and keep moving forward, regardless of whether your M is saved. MLC can take a long time and while you may want to give up, and that is a fair choice if you decide that, I hope you stick it out as long as you can... you never know...

Just back off on any pressure. MLC especially, runs from pressure.

Hi that is useful as had not understood difference between MLC and WAS. I have wondered with MLC, Dshe got into yoga last year and a lot of very spiritual reading such as Darren Main and also Joirney of Souls. She has been talking to a counsellor/therapist and struggled to come to terms with being 40. There are some long standing issues she is resolving in terms of her family and role models.

just to make it clear I am a pretty fit 179cm (5 10) 95kg 44 yr old. Not 195kg if I made a typo! I could lose 10kg which is an aim

So how do I work out whether it is MLC or WAS.

lol, I think I made the 195kg typo.

Still, I'm about your height and your age and am at 59kg (130lbs). Not much muscle but also very little fat. I think if you lost the 22lbs you hope to, the 180lb or so weight would be great.

Of course, that doesn't really matter. The point is, your W is using your weight as an excuse.

A WAS is generally a person who decides that they are living in an unhealthy relationship. The complaints they have are mostly valid and they do not see a way out, except to leave.

Someone in a life transition, may question their life and their M and begin to have ideas that there's more to life and they want to seek happiness by leaving the M.

Someone in mid life [b]crises[/i] is... in crises... Everything that is wrong with their life, currently and in the past, is someone else' fault. They are confused, they are not sure what they want, but they don't know what to do about it. They start doing things and hiding it from people, especially the spouse. They feel trapped and they feel empty...

Your W may not be crises, but she's certainly in transition. Yes, she's confused as well. She is seeking help from counsellors, yoga, new age reading...

If she starts re-writing your M history (pointing at only the bad, as though there was no good), blaming you (and others) for the problems in her life, not seeking help except to get validation for how she's making the right decisions... IOW, if she is not looking inward to work things out, she is quite possibly MLC.

We talk about keeping the road home "paved and smooth". If you want to save the M, if you want to spend the rest of your life M to your W, then you will want to work on yourself during this time (consider it an opportunity for your own growth) and make sure there's no road blocks that you place which could prevent her from wanting to come back, if she chose to.

I think it is really good that your W is looking inwards to solve her problems. Are there any other complaints regarding you that she mentioned, that you believe are valid and want to make better in yourself?

I did not realize you have a new thread here:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2336891#Post2336891

I'll repost in that thread.

I reposted to new thread when it took awhile to be moderated. I thought it might be lost.

I think this is a more appropriate subject so I have linked my previous posts below.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...018#Post2360018

I should have also said WAS is extremely protective of OM and their home, she will always look to drop off or collect from mine and avoid me being anywhere near OM or her new life. I called her on the phone a few weeks ago and she asked why I called that number.

Has anyone else had to deal with this sort of behaviour from a WAS.

I have checked in from time to time and have not posted regularly. Life has been a bit of a roller coaster and I have been flat out at work and getting my house back in order after WAS left in May and moved her belongings out in July. It is slowly coming together and has taken a lot of time away from my cycling. When I have the kids there is a lot of talking and supporting as S8 is finding it difficult to adjust to living with OM and WAS.

I am still working on detachment, I know I have a long way to go as I still get angry with emails she will not speak by phone and uses emails and texts). I will not reply by email or text unless it is straightforward as it all gets misconstrued. It is not good and I am not making contact and only limited responses to electronic communication.

Yesterday she emailed to ask say I could spend my birthday evening with the children if I wanted and then asked if we could swap our schedule the weekend before I leave for Australia with the children. I really resent the way she positions something as a good gesture but is really only wanting to get something she wants, that is a change in the schedule later. I have replied by saying lets just leave the schedule as it is, I will celebrate with the kids over the weekend. I remaindered her she has not acknowledged my email with changes to her proposed schedule for the children in 2014.

I guess the details are not important, what I beat myself up is still being disappointed when she acts this way, and still feeling angry about it. I mustn't let her actions affect the way I feel.

Positive steps, I have started a diet 5:2 to shed some weight and am keen to get out on my bike again and training. Very keen to shed 15 kg. I am doing loads with kids and they are happy with me D5 has been really sweet all weekend and S8 is loving cooking with me, we do a great Spag Bol.

WAS views me as angry, so I need to pull back and be calm, but also be strong as she will try and exert control as she always has.

I still react to her emails. Positively because I am being firm with her and not being manipulated, however I think it is time to go dark.