I used to post here very frequently, and I always enjoyed the feeling of support I got, and some of the relief from the loneliness. I need that again, as DBing has not been successful so far.
W and I have been M for almost 20 years, now, and it has been rocky for most of it. Both of us stayed together because we really believe in M, and were determined to stick it out and make it work. We were really in love. I still do love her, but there is so little left that we can do.
I have had a problem with my temper for a while. I don't strike anyone, or even threaten to do so (W has sometimes threatened physical violence), but sometimes when I am upset, feel I am misunderstood, or am being accused of something I don't think I did, I will sometimes scream, and get too close to W, with the result that she feels threatened. I didn't want to intimidate her, but that is what I ended up doing. Mind you, this problem is only what has been happening for the last few years of the marriage. During a session of MC, W asked me, "How badly do you want to save this M?" and asked me to go to a batterer's intervention group. The program lasted 40 weeks, but with days taken off for holidays and such, it ended up taking about a year. But less than halfway through it, W took me aside and told me that to continue to work on the M was torture for her, and she did not want to try anymore. She told me that as far as she was concerned, the M was over. We agreed to continue to live together, because we cannot afford 2 homes, because neither of us wants to live apart from the children, and because we want to give them as stable a home environment as possible.
We don't talk anymore, except about what absolutely has to be said. That was the way it had been before she told me she didn't want to try anymore - she had asked me to keep a distance until we got things sorted out - but since she said she was done with the M, things seem to be more hostile in the home than ever before. When I try to talk about anything, she gets angry, and if I don't back away, it turns into a fight. For example, most nights I take over with the kids when I get home, but last night I told Jennifer that tonight I would be returning to karate class (I have little going on outside the home). Because I knew that meant I would not be supervising the kids for a part of the evening, I started to say, "If there is anything I can do to make things easier for you..." She cut me off there, and said, "You have never done anything to make anything easier for me. You saying that is so insulting!" Mind you, I work 50-60 hours per week as the only income in the family, take over duty with the kids as soon as I get home, supervising them cleaning up the kitchen (which, as many parents know, is often more work than actually cleaning up the kitchen yourself), and reading to them before bed. Additionally, 2 nights a week, I prepare a dinner ahead of time so W can put it into the oven the next day and not worry about cooking (I offered to do that, and W said less than a year ago that this had been very helpful).
The night W told me she was done with the M, she had just seen the MC for an individual visit the night before (that night she told me that she would no longer be going back to the MC). When I had gone to MC the previous week, they had told me basically that W was very hurt, and said that she looked like she was going to be pretty hostile for a while. They coached me in being prepared to absorb her digs, and to let it roll off when she interpreted everything I did in the most negative way possible. They congratulated me on living with this situation as long as I had (I was, and still am, sleeping on a cot in the basement next to the boiler). I wonder if they had challenged her on her decisions, and that was the reason behind her decision to give up on M.
In IC, I have been talking about the conflicts between me and W, and IC has been trying to convince me that I am not the only one being unkind in this R - while I defend W and her position, IC has been trying to tell me that W is being emotionally abusive to me.
Some of her latest barbed comments have actually made it easier for me to detach. I have finally realized that, no matter what I do, it will never be taken as something good. Offering to help will always be thrown back into my face. Not only is it OK for me to pursue my own life, it is the only choice I have left. I need to stop trying to please her, because I won't. In a strange sense, it is a relief to realize this.
The problems are multiple. We are Catholics, and neither of us believe in D and remarriage (although after this experience, I will never again be tempted to look judgmentally on someone who does so). We have taught our children that M is forever. My kids have become attached to me (thank God), and I don't want to be separated from them. And finally, I still love W, although right now I feel nothing but tense and threatened when I am around her.
Our whole relationship would have to be entirely different for me to even WANT to have it back. But W seems to think the whole thing is my fault, and seems to see no reason why she needs to change now (in fairness, earlier on in the R, she tried to make a lot of differences, and often blamed herself inappropriately for problems between us).
Our M crisis has been going on for years now, and we have been to multiple MCs.
And now, I feel kind of aimless. I am not wanted in W's life. I love to spend time with the kids, but I have to try not to be too obtrusive with W while I am around the house. In all honesty, I feel more comfortable at work than at home.
I guess I just came here because I needed to let it out, and get some feedback. Maybe talk to somebody who understands, or just talk to another adult who is supportive rather than hostile.
Sorry for exploding all over the place. Just a whole lot going on.
"I need that again, as DBing has not been successful so far. "
Don't blame DB. It's obvious things haven't worked out because you haven't changed. You have a temper, you haven't learned to communicate better and changed attitudes towards her and even reading your post, you explain how you know that you have this problem, but then explain that your W is hostile, and how you're trying to "please" her.
She doesn't want you to "please" her. She wanted you to change so that she felt safe to be around you. It doesn't matter how many MC's you go to if the basic problem is that you don't change.
What have you changed? What did the MC's recommend to you?
Hi Psych, I've seen your postings here as of late. I would have responded earlier and would post more, but I cannot give more than the support of this one post, at this time.
I feel I understand you and your sitch well enough to say that I believe you have tried your best to make this work and your M survive.
Having said that, perhaps it is time to stand still, regarding changing yourself to save the M.
I know that when one is so enmeshed in something and working on it, very hard, for a long time, burnout occurs. When that happens, the only thing that helps is to take a break from it. Rather than working harder and trying to push on. That is the purpose for vacations and sabbaticals. Perhaps... that is what you need.
Perhaps truly working on GAL, focusing on your kids, and planning on a future that may not include your W, is a place to put your full attention.
Give that some thought. You have poked and prodded and tried to fix your M. Trust that God will show you the way to a better future, regardless of what that future may look. And that you go willingly, in growth, towards that future.
You assume a lot, Mr. Bond.
I don't know exactly how it is "obvious" that I have not changed. Yes, I have a temper. I have more recently learned to pull out of arguments instead of yelling. And there have been multiple times when I was the one who refused to continue arguing, while W went on a tirade. I believe that is a change.
How exactly did you conclude that I have not learned to communicate better? Or changed attitudes toward her?
And yes, I do try to "please" her. I try to do things that are considerate...somehow, I didn't think that trying to be more considerate was a violation of the principles of DBing.
As I said in my post, the MCs recommended to me that I learn to accept that W will be interpreting everything I do as maliciously intended, something that they were observing in our sessions, and that I would have to live with this for quite some time before any positive change would come about. This is something that I have, albeit imperfectly, done. I react a lot less than I used to when W tells me what a <excrement> I am for making simple mistakes, or when she spits in my face. They commended me on the changes that they had seen me make - even though it is "obvious" to you that I have not made any. And 1 week later, W said there would be no recovery for our M.
2 weeks ago, I made baked macaroni and cheese with the wrong kind of cheese, and she accused me of doing it on purpose, just to spite her and our daughter. And, in saying so, she let forth a stream of obscenities at me. Thank God the kids were not up at that time, as I was preparing dinner for the next day.
And FWIW, I am not "blaming" DB. I am just saying it has not been working for me. The fact that it has not helped for me (and yes, I have been applying a lot of the principles, although I will admit I have sometimes forgotten myself) does not mean that I am saying the program is bad. It does not guarantee success. That's all.
Sorry for my tone.
My life is falling apart, my W has told me (with raised voice) that I should never hope for anything to get any better, and I am grasping for something to hope for.
Honestly, having someone turn around with, "Well, it's all your own fault," doesn't really help.
Kaffe,
Thank you. I guess that is kind of where I was going anyway, but I just needed someone else to talk to me.
Again, Bond, I am sorry for my tone earlier. I haven't lost my temper in person for a while, but I kind of lost my temper online just now.
OK, I get it.
Based on my reaction yesterday, it is obvious that I haven't changed much, yet. You were right, Bond.
I have been trying for the last few years to change everything. I have been driving myself to fix everything in me that has led our M to the state that it is in. And I don't know if anything in me has changed.
My kids seem to think that I am a good dad. They really like me, and show me genuine affection, and they look forward to my coming home in the evening. So I'm not all bad.
But in adult relationships I seem to be fairly inept. I even fail to control my temper online, when I actually have to take time to think about and type what I want to say. It's no wonder W doesn't feel safe around me when we are face to face.
I feel insecure about everything right now - I'm so protective of anything I feel I've done right, because I feel like I need to hang onto those things...I've screwed up so much, and that is constantly in my face, that I cling to the little bits of headway that I have made.
I guess I am kind of losing hope. One thing I know for sure is that I need some kind of adult contact apart from W, because it is clear that this relationship will not feed me emotionally right now. I have to live and thrive emotionally without W, because if we are to be together again, that will surely be a precondition, and (more likely) otherwise I am on my own emotionally from now on.
So, if people would be so charitable as to ignore my earlier, "Mr. Hyde" post, I would like to interact a little bit.
You're starting to get it. All the counseling in the world isn't going to save you unless YOU start to change. All of the snarky and critical comments you are seeing from her is because that's how the two of you have communicated for awhile. And once you do control your temper, it will take awhile for her to respond nicely to them. But you change and make them permanent. Having a bad temper is definitely not a good thing in life. Stepping away from an argument is a step, but it doesn't address 'WHY' you got angry in the first place.
It's like your MC. They will tell you what you can do physically to defuse an argument, but it doesn't explain 'WHY' you get upset in the first place.
The fact that your W was willing to work on your marriage before is a plus. YOU start to change and she will follow. You just need patience.
I really do think your M can be saved. But only when YOU save yourself first.
I really do think your M can be saved.
That is something more hopeful than I have heard - or thought - in a long time.
W said she wasn't willing to work on M anymore back in August, and over the last month I have been sinking into a depression. It is hard to resist at this point - I have been trying to make changes for a long time, and changing me is like trying to mold granite - things don't happen very fast. And in the meantime I am getting tired and lonely.
Thanks for the encouragement - it just may help me to keep going a little longer.
"I have been trying to make changes for a long time, and changing me is like trying to mold granite - things don't happen very fast. "
But the changes have to START first. You saying how stubborn you are etc. are just excuses. You either man up to them and just DO IT or you just blame it on apathy and say "well I can't change". Everyone can change. If YOU CHOOSE to change.
ALRIGHT
I guess it's time to go right back to the beginning. Start from the ground level and build up.
Since W has left me, effectively, alone, I now have the time for a complete renovation of myself. Besides, that is exactly what is needed.
When W fell in love with me in the first place, I was my own person, with some confidence in what I had to offer. I liked myself, because I saw some good qualities in me that I was happy to open up to other people. The seeds of my bad temper were present (and will still need to be worked on) but I was not as quick tempered, because I was much more secure in my own feelings about myself. W could make little jokes about me, and I was usually OK with it, because she was not my only source of affirmation in life.
Compare that to now. I am socially isolated, live my life with little concern for anything except whether I am an adequate husband and father (much of that being focused on whether I am making enough money), and I am anxious that I am inadequate most of the time. Every time W says anything in criticism of my fatherhood or my role as a husband or provider, it tears me apart, because for years I have allowed her to be the only judge of my worth. As a result, it is only with effort that I can hold back my temper, as I want to defend myself against what she says about me. My skin has gotten thin, and so my first reaction, if I do not restrain myself, has been to lash out.
So, for my own sake (and, in the eventuality of a reconciliation, for W's sake), I must regain my independence - be able to support myself emotionally without W.
For a first step, I will start taking Karate again - this will put me in contact with other people, and give me a chance to feel good about myself by achieving something
I have Asperger's disorder. While this is nothing new, I only learned that fact much later in life - after W and I were married. I have difficulty identifying and processing my emotions. When we were dating, and when we were first married, this was not a problem, as we had hours and hours to discuss our points of view and to talk about our feelings. Once we had children, we no longer had that luxury, but I still had (have) difficulty understanding and expressing my feelings, which probably results in a disproportionate amount of my emotional life being converted to anger which is poorly controlled. Furthermore, when we first got married, we were surrounded by a group of very supportive friends who, while none were aware of the label "Aspergers" (I wasn't even aware of it myself), understood my quirks, and served as a great support for me and for our marriage.
I must learn strategies to maintain control of my behavior when I am feeling intense emotions, so that instead of reacting I can identify my emotions and figure out what to do with them. I must also begin surrounding myself with others who are positive toward me, as it was unfair in the first place for me to expect all of my acceptance and emotional support to come from W.
For a first step, I am going through a self-help course designed to help me to relieve stress immediately as it arises, and then become more aware of my emotions. I am also seeing an IC, but I may need to see someone else, as she seems only focused on reminding me that our M problems are not ONLY my fault, and sometimes has trouble hearing my goals.
Most of all, I must make these changes for myself. If I make them to try to fix our M, or to make W happy, they will only be short term. Instead of working changes, I must become changed. If I do, then these changes will be advantageous to me whether or not we reconcile.
These are some initial goals. I hope that writing them down will help me to keep myself accountable. I also count on the community here (and especially Bond) to let me know if I am missing the obvious.
This is a great post and I love that you are willing to work on this and not allow your diagnosis to limit you! Bravo! On my thread I've been working through some stuff around my S and his diagnosis. You give me hope.
I am socially isolated, live my life with little concern for anything except whether I am an adequate husband and father (much of that being focused on whether I am making enough money), and I am anxious that I am inadequate most of the time.
I read this and related to it straight away. I was permanently stressed at kids, and at other drivers on the road etc, but as soon as my W announced she was not in love with me any more, and she wanted D it all went. Not sure why it made a difference, its almost like the pressure was released (although yes, I have a whole new set of problems to deal with now!
)
Sounds like you are ready to role up your sleeves and get stuck in - good luck!
Labug and 2.4,
Thanks for responding to me. Having someone to type back and forth to makes me feel a little less isolated.
I'm glad to hear that my posting encourages you with your son. He is the one with OCD, right (hope I didn't get you confused with someone else)? That stinks, and has a lot in common with Asperger's. Hopefully he will find things that are important enough to him to really dig in and do the work to confront his anxiety - sounds like he has not always been facing up to everything. Not that I'm a great expert on doing that...I have my own parts of myself that I ignore and put off. And I'm 46!
Mrtwopointfour -
Thanks for the support and empathy. I guess that the more I let my M go (W doesn't want to be anywhere near me now, and the only way for me to survive has been to convince myself that my life needs to go on as if it is over - although in my heart the door is still open), the more I feel relieved myself. In fact, once recently W attributed some nasty motivations to my actions, and I just let it go - it felt very liberating, as though her rejection (utter and total) meant I didn't have to go on trying to get her to love me. I just needed to be me, and if she loves me again (eventually), great...if she doesn't...well, she already doesn't, so there's really little left to lose, there.
I'm glad it [b]sounds[\b] like I am ready to do the work. I've failed myself a number of times, so the proof is in whether I really follow through - that takes a lot more courage than stating my goals.
Still, I'll say this, at least: I have never given up - each time I have failed myself, I have gotten back up and tried again. I guess that's just how you live life, right?
Hope to hear from you guys again.
Hope is gone.
This morning I said good morning to W, and she got angry at me, stating that there was nothing between us anymore, telling me that the entire alienation between us was my fault, that it was permanent and unrecoverable, and that my greeting her amounted to being "phony." She threw a few choice words at me of the unsavory variety, and told me never to greet her again - only to address her if I had to ask a question or inform her of something. She told me basically that I didn't want the M when we had it (not true, but she is convinced of it), and that pretending to be civil now was a poor substitute, and she does not want us to try to be civil.
As far as she is concerned, everything I have done wrong since we got married was vindictive and intentional. Far from trying to reconcile, she is angry at any attempt to communicate, or even be pleasant to each other.
I cannot help but believe this means it is irreversibly over.
I struggled with suicidal thoughts this morning and early afternoon. Thank God for my children - I wouldn't hurt myself for their sake. But I can't help thinking...am I really completely bad? Is it true that I was always selfish, and never really loved her at all - or anyone else? She can counter every argument I make to say that I was good at least some of the time...is she right? I am caught between being angry at W and hating myself.
I am sorry. I know this is not exactly the forum for me to vent my insecurities and fears about myself. But I needed to reach out to someone who might answer me, and you guys are the only ones I know to reach out to. I am scared, and alone, and I don't know what to think. I have no other friends.
Hi Psych was thinking of u a while back. If I recall you guys were expecting. How did it go?
The suicidal thoughts come from hopelessness and helplessness. Your W is likely to pick up on that and get angrier with you. And to think that u are completely bad is an ireational way of thinking. No one can be all bad or all good. You are like most of us somewhere in the middle.
Keep posting
Psych, please call a crisis line if you have suicidal thoughts. Even though we support you here, a crisis line can help you immediately work through the anxiety.
You ask if she is right and she is not. She is doing what all WAS's do and that is spew venom to justify what they are doing. There is a grain of truth probably, but she is exaggerating certainly. What are you doing for yourself right now? You need to work out the stress you're under.
Hi Psych, hope you're doing better today. I really relate quite strongly to your situation, as well as to Mr. 2.4's, so I know how hard and stressful it can be.
When you're living life on a roller coaster, it can be pretty difficult to keep you equilibrium. Are you working on detaching? Are you focusing on your 180s and GAL and PMA? As they say, "fake it till you make it" and become the person you choose to be so that your W will have someone she would be a fool to leave.
Can I ask if you're getting any exercise? I do a bit of running, and that feels great, especially after a tough day. You might want to consider it because exercise definitely improves your mood -- plus once you get in shape it gives the W a bit of eye candy
Keep us posted on things.
There's always hope! I'm amazed at some of the seemingly impossible situations that marriages have bounced back from. Lots of stories on these forums and in RetroV too.
This morning I said good morning to W, and she got angry at me, stating that there was nothing between us anymore, telling me that the entire alienation between us was my fault, that it was permanent and unrecoverable, and that my greeting her amounted to being "phony."
Good grief, all that from just saying "good morning"? This sounds a lot like the "going monster" stuff I've read about in MLC sitches.
She threw a few choice words at me of the unsavory variety, and told me never to greet her again - only to address her if I had to ask a question or inform her of something.
I would grant her wish on this. Just detach and give her LOTS of space and time! Just leave her to her thoughts.
and that pretending to be civil now was a poor substitute, and she does not want us to try to be civil.
That is so completely absurd it's almost laughable. Of course one should ALWAYS strive to be civil, even to their worst enemy!
I struggled with suicidal thoughts this morning and early afternoon.
It will pass, but if you really get overwhelmed then get to a doctor ASAP. I ended up getting on anti-depressants after going through a truly low, low period in which suicide seemed like a brilliant choice. I'm off the A/D's now, but I credit them for getting me through the worst of it.
But I can't help thinking...am I really completely bad? Is it true that I was always selfish, and never really loved her at all - or anyone else?
Of course it's not true, she's rewritten your entire marital history. It's what WAS's do. That's why we push people to detach and GAL, because it'll rebuild your self-esteem and help you to remember that you are NOT the version of you that she gripes about, there's a lot more to you than that.
I am scared, and alone, and I don't know what to think. I have no other friends.
Oh boy do I ever remember that. It's a nasty place to be. I had no idea how codependent on my W I was until BD came. Then I felt alone, empty, worthless, unattractive, etc. FORCE yourself to GAL. I didn't want to, I instead wanted to curl up into a ball and sit in the corner weeping and rocking. But I dragged my sorry butt out of the house and did stuff. I HATED it at first! I didn't want to see happy people and sunshine! But the more I did the more I wanted to do, until one day I realized I was going to be fine whether I reconcile or not. You'll get there too! Just get out there and GAL, and keep at it
Head up psych. Press on. For yourself and for your kids.
I can tell you that hope is definitely not gone.
I am sorry I have not responded for a couple of days; I've been really depressed and just haven't had the motivation.
I can't thank you all enough for your show of support when I've been so desperate.
Can't say much now, because I'm at work, but will type more later. Just wanted to let you know that, yes, I'm still alive (love the kids too much to let that go, no matter how desperate I feel), and to say thanks sooooo much!
Its raining up here and im a bit glum too
I am doing this, subjecting myself to this torture so that -regardless of what happens- I 100% know.....WE 100% know THAT WE HAVE DONE EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO SAVE OUR FAMILIES!
We are allowed "off days"
Refocus- what are you doing for yourself? I know its tough with children but what are your goals. You need to be able to see success somewhere
Be strong- we have several days of rain ahead
Oh boy do I ever remember that...(etc.)
That whole paragraph made me want to cry! Thank you so much for letting me know I am not alone feeling so devastated. Sometimes everyone here seems so strong in the things that they write, and I don't feel that strong.
I know what you mean when you say you didn't want to GAL. Isn't it ironic that so often when we are feeling our worst we just don't
want to feel any better. Me, I just wanted to wrap myself up in blankets and cry, telling myself how hopeless life is.
But, of course, you are right. I have to make myself go out there and GAL! Right now, there is nothing I can do
directly to save my M, so the only thing to do right now is to save myself. If there is still hope of a reconciliation between us, I had better be a healthy, happy person, or not only won't I be equipped to piece, there will be nothing there to love. And if there is no hope for a reconciliation, I had better be a healthy, happy person, or there will be nothing I can do with the rest of my life - which I still have left to live, either way.
I work at nursing homes, and today I was met by an old lady from the Carribean, who speaks Spanish and French, but has forgotten all her English. This 80 year old woman was distraught, telling me that her 14 year old daughter had been grabbed by a fat boy down the hall and was being harassed by him. Note, she is an 80 year old woman, so of course she hasn't any 14 year old daughter, but there is no telling her that. So I gently told her that it was OK...I had just seen her 14 year old walking off safely to school, and the police had taken that boy away. She was so relieved and happy, she hugged me and blessed me (she is a little hyperreligious)! It was such a silly little thing but it felt so good to see that I could do something that made a positive impact on the life of another adult. At home, the few times W speaks to me, I hear plenty about the negative effect I have had. I really want to have more of those experiences where I can do something to make someone happy.
I went to karate for the first time in well over a year on Friday, and it was really nice to hear how many other people welcomed me back, including the instructor. It is a really positive and supportive place. While they are demanding in terms of performance, they are not like some dojangs, where those who perform less are looked down upon. If you go in there all out of shape, their whole attitude is, "you have to start somewhere." I didn't remember most of my techniques and forms, but having that welcoming attitude made up for it. Expect to go back tomorrow night.
I am already on an antidepressant, but I am now on the maximum dose of the one I am taking, and on that I was still where I was on Sunday, so I think that during my next appointment we need to consider trying a different one.
Positive - you're right! I have to know I've done everything I can...then I can let it go in peace, if that's what must be.
Rick - glad to see you again.
Gotta go, everybody. Will keep on posting. Thanks again.
Hey Psych, I know how you feel, man. I got on some antidepressants and feel much better. I'm also working on getting out and meeting people.
Thanks, JMax.
W called me today in the middle of work. Notified me that as of today she would no longer be including my laundry with that of the rest of the family, and that, as she pays the bills, she will no longer be paying for my student loans...I will have to pay that bill myself.
OK, they are just such little things. I can do my own laundry, and write two checks every month. No big deal. Why does it hurt so much to hear her say that? Just cutting me out in one more way, I guess. Just finding ways to separate herself from me a little bit more.
Well, I guess it just serves as a reminder of my NEED to detach myself from her, GAL, meet people and meet my OWN needs. Only, doing this, I don't really feel like I am doing this by way of DBing, but instead in the same way that a passenger jumps from a sinking ship...in order to salvage my own life from a disaster.
Going back to karate tonight. Maybe will feel better getting some exercise, and maybe someone will make me smile. That would be a welcome change.
Well, cheers, everyone!
I don't get it. Does she work or was she complaining that she has to "physically" do the bills. So petty it's laughable.
Next time she does something like that, just tell her "thank you for letting me know." Was there something you and the kids want for dinner tonight?
Show her that you're made of sterner stuff.
Yeah, sounds like button-pushing for a reaction.
Thanks for sticking with me, guys. I really look forward to hearing your replies - they are so affirming and friendly.
I am finally starting to feel like I am really separating. It is one thing to make the decision that you are going to detach yourself, and another to feel yourself detaching. I am actually starting to get a little excited about starting up my own life! W doesn't want me to say "boo" to her, that's fine. It was only added stress for me to try to negotiate civil interactions with her, anyway. I have six people in that house who love me, and I love them. I will spend my time with them, and just stay out of W's way. If, after some time of us being out of each other's lives, we start to like each other again, so be it. If not...oh, well. The only thing I know for sure it this - what there is between us now, I don't want! So, I'm staying away from it.
Going back to karate tonight. Sometimes I don't look forward to it...I am sooooooo out of shape, I have forgotten most of my karate, and I end up winded at the end of the class. But I know that when I am depressed I always want to do what is comfortable more than what makes me happy, and usually those two are not the same thing. So, if I just schedule particular nights of the week that I go regularly, I can usually keep myself going, even when I don't feel like it...at first.
At work someone gave me a gift card to the Outback for "Doctor's Day" (ummm, technically, I am a clinical nurse specialist, but they didn't care). So, maybe one of these nights I will treat myself to dinner out and a movie. I haven't been out to a movie in the theater in literally years.
I feel a little ambivalent, because at this point I really don't feel like I am DBing for the M, but really just for myself. I have been miserable for the last year...depressed and anxious almost constantly. Down inside I still really love W, but at this point being around her is only painful for me. Sometimes I feel a little guilty about this feeling like I am giving up.
Still, if there were to be a reconciliation at this point, it couldn't be rekindling what was already there. We would really have to start from scratch. So maybe it's better for me to just regard it as over. Allow us to both rebuild ourselves and see if something happens down the road.
My efforts to GAL are by necessity pretty small right now. I want to spend lots of time with the kids - I need to be near them, and they need closeness to their parents during this time. Important to GAL, but that doesn't justify distancing from the kids.
Have a good weekend, everybody!
W called me today in the middle of work. Notified me that as of today she would no longer be including my laundry with that of the rest of the family
She was still doing your laundry? I would have thought you would have taken it over after this:
She cut me off there, and said, "You have never done anything to make anything easier for me. You saying that is so insulting!"
I know you mentioned that you make dinner a few times a week and supervise the kids when they clean up the kitchen, but now is the time to really step things up. After she made the above statement you should have taken the laundry over. And then when she told you she was going to quit doing your laundry, that was another opportunity to step up. You should have replied with "you're right, I need to do my own laundry, and I think it's about time I did the rest of the family's as well. Why don't you go over with me how you like it done and I'll take over from there."
The thing is, your W doesn't want to wash your socks and undies. She's already got to be a mom to your kids, she doesn't want to be your mom too.
You sound much better, Psych. Keep moving forward!
