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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2327757#Post2327757Keeping the title, makes mama smile everytime I see it!!
So to recap a bit of the last section of that thread, I was not in fact, contemplating sex with H. I was concerned that having him stay in the house overnight could lead to another "slip" in that department. So, I have stated my boundaries...hands off the lovely preggo wife or you won't stay overnight again.
Now, he is actually going to stay over all weekend now. But, I am busy, busy until tomorrow night's egg dying family time. Honestly, it's easier for me not to have to pack up the kids junk to stay over for one night and then I don't have to deal with the dog either. I had to work today and daycare is closed. The only person I could find to watch the kids is my friend who lives 45 minutes away. So, he will get them and I had plans right after work and forgot to pack up their stuff. It's just easier. Tomorrow morning I sleep in, H will sleep in S3's room on the trundle. Go for a run, to an ala-non meeting, then a baby shower. H wants to go to the new church I've been going to on Easter, so that's cool.
It will also be great lesson for me in not being ON while H is in the home. That was one of the things I've realized I did while we were together. The kids always come to me for things because I allowed it. So, I just say "go ask your dad!" Novel concept.
So, boundaries IN PLACE! My mom is also a little mad that I'm spending easter with H and the kids. Our extended family is actually not doing anything this year, so there we go. I only have a mild case of anxiety over it, so that's growth. I would try to appease everyone and today, just deal. My family, my decisions.
I can't wait to see IC on Monday night!! Been a month, glad she is back from vacation.
Happy Easter DB family!!
Happy Easter Tallula !!! WOW, what made H decide to spend the weekend? What will you do in the evenings when kids are in bed?
Happy Easter Tallula !!! WOW, what made H decide to spend the weekend? What will you do in the evenings when kids are in bed?
Honestly, he'd probably move back in now if I let him. It was more my deal for him to move out. I said complete tranparency and defriend OW on FB or we separate. So, he asked if I'd be cool with him just staying the weekend. I have plans with my girlfriends tonight, so I'll come home and go to bed. We'll just play cards and/or watch a movie tomorrow night. We get along great now. Like before DB, which is why I made the boundary of no touchy feely with the wifey.
I would not blame you for not reading up on my sitch, but our R really only hit some bumps in March of last year. And even H has said that if it wasn't for his penchant for cheating, we wouldn't be anywhere near a D. It would have been a blip and no problem. That's the hard part about all of this. We each have things to work on, but for the most part we have had a great M. This person that H has transformed into since May of last year is completely new. He would never have gone 2 weeks with barely seeing his kids even 5-8 months ago. It's sad.
I am grateful for many things that have come from BD. I'm working on some of my issues, people pleasing, controling. Since I became a mom, I lost a bit of me. I'm finding that side again and it's awesome. My only hope for him is that he can grow from this. I just think it will get worse before it gets better. But pain is the touchstone for most spiritual growth...which means if I keep chosing to trudge ahead, I'm in for some serious growing. This is certainly painful!
"That's the hard part about all of this. We each have things to work on, but for the most part we have had a great M."
Oh, and to expound a bit...I mean, great M, except unknown to me he was cheating on me in the first 4 years. Yea, except that part. I still believe that I truly haven't processed that one.
if it wasn't for his penchant for cheating
Is this specifically what he is in IC for? Sorry if you has written about this before and I missed it. It does seem positive though that he is trying to work on himself....
if it wasn't for his penchant for cheating
Is this specifically what he is in IC for? Sorry if you has written about this before and I missed it. It does seem positive though that he is trying to work on himself....
Yes, it is. We both see the same IC and she is our MC. We don't do MC at all now. We have only been twice together, and one was simply to tell him my boundaries or we separate.
I guess the positive is that he does know that he is the problem here. Yes, he can still try to focus on "are we right for each other", and OW helps take the focus off himself. But, in his most lucid moments, he knows he is the problem. It really is sad. Last thursday he said he has an amazing life. Great wife, kids, job, etc. But, he is miserable and can't act how he desparately wants to act. One of my biggest fears is that he will end up killing himself like his father did. But, today I won't let that fear hold me back from living my life how I need to. It's really, really sad. Living with someone who was so abused and seeing the aftermath, it's horrible. And OW has a similar backstory, so I know that is a bond with them.
Wow. You are very strong woman. I admire your strength.
As an outsider looking in, and from the experience of my own sitch and H, it seems positive that he acknowledges he has a problem. Most WAS don't seem to be able to...at least in the beginning.
I am glad that you are not letting that fear hold you back right now. And yes, I think they find OP's that are as broken as they are themselves. I guess it helps validate their issues.
I hope you have a wonderful weekend with your family Tallula. So much love to you.
"And yes, I think they find OP's that are as broken as they are themselves. I guess it helps validate their issues."
Yeah, and then I spin about having this totally crazy, drama filled woman in my kids lives. Or that I don't want a revolving door of woman, cause this R has trouble written all over it. If she doesn't know he is playing us both, she will figure it out eventually. Just have to back off and realize that we aren't there yet.
Have a good one too!
No, you are not there yet...no reason to borrow trouble from the future. Although I completely relate to the spinning of having crazy OW woman in my kids lives!
I'm glad this happened. It needed to. No more BS.
I looked at H's phone. Not only is he having sex with OW, tried with me tonight & I see he is indeed having sex with a nurse at his grandma's nursing home. I took pictures of the texts. He was with OW Tuesday night & last night. Both nights he canceled on his kids, left OW's housectellingvher how amazing she is in bed while texting the nurse how he can't wait to sleep with her.
I'm not crying. I'm in shock, frankly, I have to leave this man. I just do. I won't do anything rash this weekend. It's clear from the texts I saw, he has at least told OW he has slept with me, but no way she knows about the nurse.
I'm done. I just have to be. Happier Easter to Tallula...
And I'm half tempted to email both of these women these texts. So they can all see this crap, plus the texts he sends me. I'm eerily calm. I'm waiting until IZc appt Monday to do anything, but this is some suck crsp!!!
Wow, T, some difficult things to digest! I would be in shock, too. YOur H has some serious issues to work out.
Are you going to confront him about the texts you read?
I am so sorry you are dealing with this...it sux big-time.
It sounds like another addiction. Can't get needs met by one, so try another, and another, and another. But, doesn't realize what he needs was right in front of him all along-his wife and family!
My H has even related his obsession w OW to an addiction--like he can't get enough, knows it's wrong, but can't give it up.
But, we can't get caught up in their self-destruction. We have to take care of ourselves and our children. They have to figure it all out for themselves. Unfortunately by the time they do (IF they do) we may be LONG GONE and they will be regretful.
(((((((((((LOTS OF HUGS))))))))))))))))))))
Wow, Tallula! I'm taken aback by what he has done. I just can't believe that someone would do this kind of crap to others. Well, the OW should have known what she was getting. It will serve her right when she ends up finding out she's being used as a plaything.
I'm sorry you're having to deal with his crap. You made a wise move when you cut him off.
I hope you have a great Easter with safe, loving people tomorrow despite this new discovery.
I don't plan on telling him yet. My plan is to continue the weekend, see IC & a lawyer first thing next week. I'm done. If he ever gets better, someone else will have to reap that. Not me.
More than ever I see that this is all about him. I am extremely angry that my 4 year old sobbed last night and I even flipping offered to bring him dinner & he was WITH OW at his apartment. "no no. You are too sweet, but you don't need to drag the kids out..."
Yeah. I will have all of it documented. I have her texts & his to me. Lying. So, this would help with custody Should he claim he wants 50% physical. Not going to happen.
Ok, I'm not too calm. But, I am done. This is some messed up stuff.
Hugs Tallula. I think you should line up some other help when the baby comes. You've been hopeful and hurt enough.
I am sorry about these new developments Tallula. Wow. Its really unbelievable. Stay your course. You are so grounded. I think Ad's idea is brilliant about lining up help for when the baby arrives.
My love and support to you
Thanks guys. My mom & sis are more than willing to come live with me when the baby gets here. They have already offered.
I guess the lawyer will also help with what financially I can do. H is almost out of money right now & we racked up some CC debt this past year. He got a huge paycut & we pretty much live paycheck to paycheck st this point. I was planning on upping my hours before BD and baby came in. So, while I have no idea how we will make it financially, I know I will figure it out.
I haven't cried yet. I really am done. I see no alternative.
But I do want to eventually let this nurses husband know what she is doing. I wish someone would have clued me in years ago. Plus, as much as I hate OW, I think I will eventually let her know too. I'll discuss all of this in counciling, but I do feel like she should walk into this eyes open. If she stays, then it's on her.
Clearly my H is a very sick man. I'm done enabling it.
I'm so sorry. Seems he just traded one addiction for another. He is broken and needs more help than time and space from you.
Just do what you need to do to take care of you and your family for now. Let the other folks sort out their own stuff.
You need to work through all of your feelings, and with a counselor you'll have good guidance on which ones to act on and which not to. You won't accomplish much just warning the few you know of who are in play at this time - there will be more to come until he decides to change.
You are all right. I have no intention of doing anything rash. Thank god for DB, because it's almost instinctive for me to give take info now and absorb, not react.
I called my best friend this morning. She pretty much nailed it on the head. Also, i had posted in my last thread yesterday how i am sure that OW has helped me not fully process his compulsive chrating. But she eas like, This is so unbelievable. You just can't fathom that this is really happening. That he is actively pursuing 3 woman. So, here I sit.
D2 is a mess. She has been for awhile, but H hasn't really seen it. So this morning she was sobbing for me and he just kept saying "she is sick." I went to comfort her & he said that I should probably just let her cry. I told him I had been reading up on kids dealing with divorce and they just need extra comfort. He goes "we aren't going through a divorce!" I said, "you don't live here anymore. That effects our children. Same literature will help.". In my head I thought, yeah you are. You just don't know it yet.
I am bracing myself for some ugly. I really don't believe he ever thinks I'll leave. And today, I know I will never stay. I want to continue to walk through this as friendly & civilly as I can. I just got off the phone with my moms friend who is a real estate agent. She is coming by next week to see what we will need to do to get the house ready to sell. And what's better, she is waving her fees. Her H was a serial cheater too.
Putting one foot infront of the other. Here I go!
((((((((((((Tallula))))))))))))))))), it sounds like addiction and as with most addiction, the denial aspect is strong about the impact on you and your children. i am glad your family is ready to help out when the baby comes.
Hi Tallula,
I came to offer my support - I am so sorry you find yourself in this aweful situation. I have not posted much, but know that I always follow your situation and read all your posts.
I just want to remind you of how strong you are and how far along you have come. Just letting all this crappy stuff sink in, settle down and really think about what you will do is solid proof of your amazing changes.
In a way, this latest development will give you the certainty of your next steps. You can now focus 100% on what's most important right now without the distractions of the ambiguity with your H. You can drop the rope for now, let him deal with his life drama on his own, maintain your boundaries and focus on you.
Your baby will be here shortly, so get any pending things prepared for him. Figure out your support group and daily routine with your family. I would also suggest to really think carefully about the role you want your H to play in all of this - birth, first few days, first few weeks, etc. Once you figure out what YOU need, you can have a talk with him and set clear custody/visitation arrangements for the kids and the baby. If you need time away from him, enlist the help of your relatives to do the kid exchange - nothing wrong with that.
I am so sorry about your financial situation too - I am in a very, very similar boat - separation and divorce usually wrecks havoc on the family finances, but for some of us, it can simply be a disaster. I have been slowly making decisions and sacrifices that while painful, have been necessary to stay afloat. I know you will do whatever it takes to take care of your family financially - you are that strong. I am glad you are talking to an agent now. Find out what's needed and what you could expect out of the sale. While the timing for it is bad, you will be able to make plans if indeed you decide to sell your home.
Our situations are eerily similar in many ways - T. I just want to tell you that no matter how bleak it looks right now, everything will work out. The most important thing is to fight our tendency to focus on Hs, try to please others and stay focused on us and our kids. I also find that my ability to accept and ASK for others' help has been huge for me to survive what is probably the most challenging time of my life. That has not been easy for me, but I know I would have not made it alone.
Finally, try to not let all of this gunk and your H's actions ruin what is one of the most joyous experiences of your life. I am not going to tell you that it won't be bittersweet, but you are still a blessed woman and you and your kids deserve to experience a wonderful time welcoming your baby boy. For me, doing it without my H was probably the hardest, most painful part of all of this, but I made it and almost two years later, I can tell you, that my H is the one who missed out.
YOU CAN DO THIS. Don't forget that.
(((((((Tallula))))))))))
Tallula, you're so brave! I'm so sorry for your discovery and implications. I have a friend that was married to a sex addict and the situation is tragic. Take care of yourself and your kids and be strong for them.
I'm so sorry T ((((T))))
Hang in there girl.
T - just back on here and read up on the latest developments. So sorry to hear things have progressed the way they did. You and your family will be in my prayers.
You are strong and will make it thru this. There's nothing you can do to help H - he's made his choices and until he realizes how messed up he is, there's really nothing anyone can do...
Tallula, I just caught up with your news. Sorry aboutbthe turn of events. Your husband is being selfish right now and the only thing I can offer is moral suuport.
Dont let him ruin one of the most beautiful and sacred momemt in any persons life... the birth of your baby! It us his loss and one day he will regret this...guatanteed.
Please take care of yourself and your unborn. Tgis is too much stress and trauma on your baby and it really is time to sit back and relax and be pampered. Focus on yourself T!
We all know how strong you are. You got this!
Thank you everyone! You have no idea what it means to me to come on here and see the posts of support.
Well, the baby shower was tough. Not going to lie. Everyone rubbing my belly congratulating me. "a third?!? I thought you guys were done?" "wait, you're pregnant? 21 weeks? How did none of us know?" oh, yea, my husband is banging 2 other woman, so we haven't formally announced it... It's a group of my moms friends that throw showers for all their kids. I held it together, but when my mom and I got in the car to leave I just started sobbing. I told her I was done. That I'm going to see a lawyer this week. We both cried. I haven't told her its been a serial thing. I may never. But she supports me. Totally. Said not to worry about any money, we could all live with them.
Did egg dying with the kids, they had a blast!!! H sensed something in me, I had texted that the shower unexpectedly upset me, so I was composing myself and would be a bit later than I thought. After I got there he asked what happened. I just said it was such a happy time for our friends, and it made me sad that ours wasn't. I started to cry. He came over to comfort me saying "what can I do..." I just turned and said "there is nothing to do. It is what it is. You can't make this better".
I'm not sad right now that my M is over. Its the first time I can remember not remotely wanting this man to touch me. As I was washing my face for bed, he came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me and kissed my neck. "good night, babe. I love you." I knew. I can do this. I don't feel comfort from him. He is no longer safe. I'm letting him go. At least in that moment.
((((T))))
Be strong, you can do this. You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity, do not accept anything less.
Hope everyone had a great Easter! My kids were stuffed full of candy, that's for sure.
So, while getting ready for church, H walked in my bathroom and asked what was up. With tears in my eyes I told him that I feel done. He got really upset. Like sad upset. He said that he could feel that from me, that he has watched me pull away, but since saturday morning felt scared that I was done. I had already made a decision not to tell him what I know until I speak to my IC. I also wasn't going to tell him that I am ready to divorce, but this conversation felt right. I said that I will not be able to have him live with us after his lease is up and when the baby gets here. That living with someone I love who is sleeping with another woman is too painful and I need to move on.
Then I told him that I'm now talking to my best friend, not my husband. I told him that I am very worried about him. I've seen a huge change in him. That our children deserve a happy father, not a miserable or dead one. I told him I think he that he should be alone. Not with me or OW and that I don't think she is the only OW and that you will do the same things to her. That this R is going to be a big challenge. It's gotten around to our friends & family. People don't accept their R. They are angry. That I don't want to be in the same room as her, much less have her within 100 feet of my children. Obviously I will do what is best for my children, but this will be a huge challenge for me. I told him no more family time for now, I need space. I need time.
I discussed our next step of fixing up the house and looking into selling it. We can't afford 2 places, so he needs to really look at where he will live. If it's a roomate situation, we can do where I stay with my parents when he has the kids.
I feel tremendous relief in the conversation. But...H somehow has taken this as he now might be ready to end it with OW and commit to us. I just let that go, didn't respond. I get it. When he told me he wanted to D, I couldn't accept it. So, I didn't feel the need to push. I see IC tonight and will discuss with her how to proceed. If I tell him I know what is really going on, and that I'm done. I might do it in a counciling appointment.
I will say, I am laughing at OW. She is getting played to the nines!! Oh, yes, you are so fabulous. He is leaving me for you... There is also a part of me that feels sorry for her. But, she started this knowing what kind of man he was. I started it thinking he was a faithful person. Good luck, honey.
Tallula,
Sorry that you had to start your day on such a sad note. I hope you feel some kind of relief after that talk. I think it is smart of you to talk first with your IC before defining your next steps.
Remember - it's better to calm down before making any major decisions. You want to make sure they come from the right motivations.
It sounds your kids had a good Easter. That is always good to hear.
((((Talulla)))))
Tallula,
Sorry that you had to start your day on such a sad note. I hope you feel some kind of relief after that talk. I think it is smart of you to talk first with your IC before defining your next steps.
Remember - it's better to calm down before making any major decisions. You want to make sure they come from the right motivations.
It sounds your kids had a good Easter. That is always good to hear.
((((Talulla)))))
Thanks, Keeping. It is insane that when he said he was the closest he has been to really cutting off OW that I did think "wait, can we fix this..." Yeah, then I read the texts and remember this isn't about her or me. There is another OW currently. He will never stop cheating. I flat out said I thought there was another person besides OW, and he denied it. It will never end.
Then I beat myself up for even thinking it. So, that's why no more family time. That's why, he is like my cryptonite. After the conversion he mentioned already having bought me a birthday present. I thought, well, that was nice. Sigh. This is going to take some time to really sink in that he is absolutely no good for me. He even texted me first thing this morning wishing me a blessed day. Yeah. Whatever.
I agree with keep_going, examine your motivations and make sure you're not reacting to the hurt. But it sounds like you can be really proud of yourself and your inner strength. Space could be a good thing for awhile. And the playing pretend family is a killer. Take care of yourself and baby!
((((((Talulla)))))))
You are so brave and strong. I think it is good to get some space and time and let your emotions settle. You have been exposed to a lot of emotional information as of late, you are taking care of very young children and pregnant. Let yourself settle and and focus what is really important now which is YOU and your well-being physically and emotionally. Leave H to be for now. He has to work out this sh!tstorm...not you. You need to heal YOU.
Thinking of you and love you.
Busting
I agree with keep_going, examine your motivations and make sure you're not reacting to the hurt. But it sounds like you can be really proud of yourself and your inner strength. Space could be a good thing for awhile. And the playing pretend family is a killer. Take care of yourself and baby!
Do you both mean that I might be jumping too quickly to divorce?
I just see no other alternative. This man is currently sleeping with 3 woman, claiming he is in love with 2 of us. I don't see him stopping, I just don't. He admitted to 6 PAs in the first 4 years of M and claims he didn't after we had kids, but why should I believe him? When I asked him about the nurse before, he said it was nothing. Not even a friendship really. I flat out asked him, not even in an accusitory way, if he was sleeping with someone besides OW. Nope.
I am not one to frivolously advocate divorce. In fact, I really only think it is proper in cases of physical violence or serial unfaithfulness. But, your husband seems to be serially unfaithful... If my W had multiple PAs, I don't think I could move past that.
I agree with keep_going, examine your motivations and make sure you're not reacting to the hurt. But it sounds like you can be really proud of yourself and your inner strength. Space could be a good thing for awhile. And the playing pretend family is a killer. Take care of yourself and baby!
Do you both mean that I might be jumping too quickly to divorce?
I just see no other alternative. This man is currently sleeping with 3 woman, claiming he is in love with 2 of us. I don't see him stopping, I just don't. He admitted to 6 PAs in the first 4 years of M and claims he didn't after we had kids, but why should I believe him? When I asked him about the nurse before, he said it was nothing. Not even a friendship really. I flat out asked him, not even in an accusitory way, if he was sleeping with someone besides OW. Nope.
You are so strong! I really admire you, honestly!
All I can say is don't make decisions when your emotions are running you (advice I have been given so much on here), God knows I have have and well...
Your in my thoughts.
IMHO just give yourself some time. YOU don't need to push for a D right NOW. It can always be on the table. For your own well-being though, for NOW, focus on your health. Leave this ugliness for awhile.
IMHO just give yourself some time. YOU don't need to push for a D right NOW. It can always be on the table. For your own well-being though, for NOW, focus on your health. Leave this ugliness for awhile.
Ok, I can agree with that. We discussed mediation, so that set my mind a bit at ease as far as feeling like I needed a lawyer righ tnow.
I'm going to go as NC as I can and take care of me.
I'm going to go as NC as I can and take care of me.
That's the focus for now.
(((((((( )))))))
Yes, take care of yourself!
When I take a deep look, I know I felt like I needed to just go file and start this because he knows how to string me along, eating the cake. And I worry with my preggo hormones that I will bite every once in awhile. So, I may be crazy posting for awhile for support.
My friend really hurt my feelings. I was saying MAYBE I wanted to, at some point, let the nurses husband know what she is doing. I said I would have liked to have had a heads up years ago. she said "Well, you've known about this for 5 months and done nothing, so why tell him anything." I felt really crappy about myself. That really, really hurt. Does my H still live with me, no. I have done plenty. She is pretty much like my mom believing I should punish him. I get it, she is really mad at him. But it just reinforces that little voice that says "what is wrong with you?! Why did you stand for this? What pathetic person gets cheated on so much?"
I know it's not true. And that is my focus now. Doing what is best for me. My kids. And my H isn't it.
Do you both mean that I might be jumping too quickly to divorce?
Just cause certainly isn't an issue.
But your feelings will change with time, give yourself some space to make sure your decision is not based on reacting to hurt.
Protect yourself by all means and get an atty consult to figure out what the next steps are. I just know in my own sitch, how I felt a few months ago is a lot different than how I feel today. And I was so hurt and upset last fall that it's a miracle I didn't file for D. But now I'm glad I didn't. Because if it came down to it and I did have to file in the future, my decision would be controlled and pragmatic. And that perspective can usually only be gained with time.
Didn't you mention earlier that your H goes to IC too? I wonder if his therapist even knows. Regardless, there are programs he can get into if it's a sex addiction. You'll know about that coming from aa.
Maybe it'd be possible to just remove yourself from the sitch & arrange H visitation with your two little ones & just leave it all alone for now. And get your finances separated as much as possible. Especially before the baby comes. But as far as filing, you don't have to make a decision right away. You'll know when you're ready because your choice will be based on you wanting to live with intent and choosing your direction. Not just because 'you don't see any other alternative'.
But it just reinforces that little voice that says "what is wrong with you?! Why did you stand for this?
You love him
I know it's not true. And that is my focus now. Doing what is best for me. My kids. And my H isn't it. [/quote] :-)
Tallula, Sorry that you are having to deal with this but as others have stated - you are incredibly strong and brave and have come a long way.
Thoughts and prayers are with you!
Tallula,
I don't think anyone is saying that you should or should not Divorce. What I was trying to say is that regardless of what your final decision is, you don't need to make it today, right now.
Your emotions are very raw right now. You might decide to file for D based on your current hurt and anger. In my view, that would be the wrong motivation. Once you let things settle and you are calm and clear on what is best for you and your kids, you might still decide that filing is the best option and you can proceed knowing that you are doing it for the right reasons.
As for:
When I take a deep look, I know I felt like I needed to just go file and start this because he knows how to string me along, eating the cake. And I worry with my preggo hormones that I will bite every once in awhile. So, I may be crazy posting for awhile for support.
I understand your fear and the reason why you are fearful that you may bite shows that you understand that how you react to his cake-eating is in YOUR hands. You don't have to file for D to stop "biting." He can continue to try cake-eating and that is out of your control, but that doesn't mean you will take it. Go back to focusing on you and setting and keeping healthy boundaries.
As for the hurt you feel from his constant lies, I have nothing for you. Yes, it hurts like nothing. Only time and detachment will help you heal and you need to be patient with YOURSELF to get there, because this is very raw, ongoing and you will have a R with this man for the rest of your life. So in a situation like ours, detachment and healing will probably take longer than if we could simply start a life apart from our Hs. Learn to be ok with that, learn to somehow deal with the pain in a healthy way and be ok that you will heal at your own pace. (Much, much easier said than done. I am over two years into this and it still hurts - a lot...)
This is why you HAVE to stay in your blanket and stop focusing on him. There is A LOT going on for you right now. Stay focused on what matters most - protecting your heart and that of your kids.
And leave him to figure out his stuff.
(((Tallula))))
^^Thank You Keeping!!
I'm actually not too terribly crazy, but you are so right. He has also said, I can't even count how many times but one was yesterday, that we will probably end up married again should we divorce (um, not going to happen). So, me divorcing him isn't going to stop him from still trying to bed me or keep me as an option. It's all up to me. ME!!
:puts on big girl pants: Here we go. Anger as a shield!!
Tallula,
First off, I am so proud of you for being calm. Isn't it amazing what we learn from DBing! Now, I am going to go opposite of what a lot of people are telling you. Let me start by saying the DB principles are wonderful and can help someone save their marriage. But if we are being completely honest about it, they are mostly to save ourselves. I don't know the numbers invloved of how many marriages are saved and won't try to guess. I can say I have been on this board for over 2 years and have seen very few. YOU are the only person who knows when it is time to give up. I have read everything you have wrote on these boards. To me, an outsider, I came to the conclusion long ago that your H is a sex addict or serial cheater. This won't change until he wants it to and figures out what causes it. I doubt this can be fixed in a matter of months...My bet is it will take years, and him hitting rock bottom to want to change. He may change, FOR A SHORT PERIOD, if you tell him you're done. But just understand the compulsion he has for sex with other women will still be there without the tools to learn how to deal with it.
I do agree that you should take your time about filing. But do not wait to see a lawyer. You need to make sure you protect yourself AND your kids. If your financial situation together is getting thin, get a lawyer involved. The longer you wait, the worse that part can get. I also know that being pregnant, your hormones are through the roof. It might be easy to get swayed again.
You deserve to be happy. You have learned a lot going through this process to know how to make yourself happy and stay that way. We can't depend on other people to make us happy, on compliment our happiness. You have done some serious growing from when you first came here. I have no doubts, you are going to be fine! You will be on my prayer list until I no longer see you posting (well, maybe a week longer)!
Brian
Brian, thank you!
I am so very grateful that I found these boards. It has given me the strength to look at myself, thus the ability and tools to create a stronger, happy me regardless of the outcome of my marriage. Plus, it has been a safe place to say "Hey, I'm not ready to say I'm done. I'm standing!" and feel no judgement. I am a better person for having DB in my life. I will continue to stay here and work the principles in my life.
I think I always knew in my heart, from the moment he told me that it was mulitple affairs, that I was going to leave him. And I do believe that it will be me that has to do the leaving. He has been very consistant in saying that he would like to stay married for a few years, maybe just separated. I know it's his fear. I've been his family for 13 years. But this time, I feel it's too much. I feel like I want to start my new life, without him. I don't see him getting better anytime soon, if ever. And frankly, I know there is too much damage to me to ever believe him again and create an intimacy that I deserve.
I plan to email him mid week about compiling a list of things we need to do to the house to get it ready to sell. The baby will be here before we know it, and we can't afford 2 homes. My boss and I just spoke about adding a third day a week until August, so that will be money I can sock away for my maternity leave. Since I am part time, I get no paid leave and I will still have to keep the kids in their daycare to hold their spots.
I still have faith we can handle this in a mediated divorce, but I have an appointment friday with a lawyer.
Just caught up. Your H has some very serious issues.
So sorry. You deserve better.
T - I fully agree with Brian above. DB'ing has helped SAVE ME - I really don't think my marriage stood a chance by the time I found it.
You are very strong indeed, to have tried as long as you have knowing about the 6 PA's. You've certainly earned my respect and admiration for your efforts. The downside is that, at least in my experience, more keeps coming out that you really can't deal with any longer - and that seemed to be the case for you as well. I truly am sorry for what you've gone thru recently.
Yea, I was willing to see...willing... if he was getting some help. Said he didn't want to be like that anymore.
Honestly, the nurse thing just was like "Ok. Here we are. Time to move on for real."
He is a special kind of messed up. I mean, you can't make this stuff up. I'm really interested to see what IC says. H's appointment is right before mine.
Hi Tallula, How was the appointment?
Journal:
IC went well. I looked down when I told her there were 2 OW. I just didn't want to see her reaction, in case he hasn't told her. I have to let this man go. We talked about how I'm really starting to see how manipulative he is and has been our entire R. I joked with him about punking out of the kids last thursday and he flipped out. "Really, really T, I was SICK!! What the heck..." on and on. And it was an actual joke, that was not at all guilt throwing. Because I knew we was lying, I could see that in the past I would joke with him about something totally innocent and he would lose it. I would feel crazy, like, why are you getting so mad? Then I would end up apolygizing. Yeah, now I see it was because he was lying. Over the years there were many times I would just feel like "am I crazy? Why is this a big deal?" It's all
Anyway, IC and I spoke about how I feel done, I see no hope for R, but she did feel that I should hold off on filing. She said she was proud of me for sticking to my boundaries, and to continue that. I said I ordered a book about manipulative people, and she agreed that was a good thing to read. We dicussed how I want to never get into an R like this again.
S4 (yep, he's 4 now, OMG!) is having a really hard time. Yesterday he finally verbalized his feelings instead of just throwing things and crying. He crumpled into a heap on the floor and just sobbed saying "I miss daddy". I couldn't get him calmed down, so I asked if he wanted to talk to daddy. He said yes. So I called H. He told him he would take him fishing and he actually showed up at 2 and take him. Of course, he did try to get me to have sex with him. Sigh. I said "I'm worth being someone's only lay, and I'm not yours." He said "You are more than worth that. I wish I wasn't me." Personally, I just don't care what he wishes anymore.
This morning he texts me at 7:13 that he posted happy birthday on my brother's FB wall, and was that a dumb thing to do. Well, it's another bad morning for me. S4 won't get dressed, D2 is sobbing she doesn't want to go to school...running late. So, of course, I will just text him later. 10 minutes later a text "I hate when you ignore me" Now, clutching my sobbing 2 year old, I'd like to punch him in the throat. Then he calls. I had just dropped the kids off at daycare, and spent 5 minutes with D2 screaming "No mommy, noooooo." It's normal now, she doesn't want to be away from me. So I spend the extra time with her. So I answer and I'm annoyed. I just go "look, I wasn't ignoring you. For christ sake, I am dealing with 2 kids and trying to get us all ready and it was a bad morning, so give me a break!!" he says "Wow, I get insecure and you are going to come at me like this..." Immediately, I start to feel bad. Yep. Hello? Really? No T, this ends now. I get off the phone.
Text from H 20 minutes later:
H:Listen, I am sorry I have fears and u don't get my text jokes. Won't happen again.
Me: I thought u were serious. I had another tough morning with the kids. Then I see that u called too, and I am upset. Not angry, hurt. Here I am, constantly having to deal with the reality of this sh*t and now I have u being upset that I didn't text u back right away. WT*! I didn't sign up for this ride, and I need to get off. Here I am, it's 8 am at work and Im emotionally & physically exhausted. Been up since 3, S4 has been having nightmares. And I keep this to myself. Why? Who knows. To be strong? To not push u away? U R already gone? This is crap
H: Sorry baby
H: At least u r Hot
H: Ironically, I was messed up this morning from not seeing them
H: I really hate myself today
I'm not going to respond. I'm going to send him and email tonight. I'm going to say that I'm done. I'm no ones option, and I've allowed myself to be an option for too long. It's emotionally taxing, and I need to take care of myself, my children and my unborn child. I will ask him to please, just let me go. That for now, I need to only communicate about the children, finances and the house. I need space.
I feel good. This is right. OW can be his option. Tallula is no man's option!!
good for you for your strength to put yourself and your kids first.
your H needs to check into a sexual addiction program.
When was the last text he sent that wasn't about his needs?
your H needs to check into a sexual addiction program.
For real. I had a long talk about telling him I know about both OW with my bestie. She said to go dark first, then when he sees that I'm serious, and deals with the fallout from that, I can figure out if I feel like doing that. I've still allowed myself to be there for him emotionally, and I can't do it anymore. I am not going to allow myself to meet his emotional needs any longer. YOU are doing this to YOURSELF and taking me along for the ride...and you want ME to make it all better. Um, why the heck am I doing this to myself?!
Because, I Tallula, am a co-dependant. Blarg
When was the last text he sent that wasn't about his needs?
Ding, ding!!
:face palm:
And they keep coming, he sent another one. I've allowed this. Me. I know it.
Creating boundaries is sometimes the most loving thing you can do.
You are right. I plan to talk or send the email tonight, and if he continues to text me anything other than kid/finance/house related things, I will block him.
I haven't set the boundary yet. I've allowed myself to be an emotional crutch to him still. That's on me. But once I state these boundaries, I will stick to them with those types consequences. I just believe that right now, since I have allowed this behavior and responded to it, blocking him would seem out of the blue and cause even more drama.
Does that seem correct?
Yes, give him a chance to change his behavior. That's what boundaries are about, protecting you while giving the other person a choice.
But the first time he sneaks in one of his cute little sexual innuendos, shut him down. He's probably never had anyone show him that much love before.
Yes, give him a chance to change his behavior. That's what boundaries are about, protecting you while giving the other person a choice.
But the first time he sneaks in one of his cute little sexual innuendos, shut him down. He's probably never had anyone show him that much love before.
I composed my email, it was firm. Just kids, finances, and house. I was very specific. That I can no longer discuss our feelings, hopes, sadness. We can discuss the kids feelings and that I will call/text him during the week if I think the kids need extra dad time. No sexual advances, I'm beautifuls, or I love you's. And that I will do the same. I said that today, we can't be friends for my and that of our unborn child's, health.
I plan to send it right after work, to give him the evening to process. Doing this crap at work is not cool.
We shall see. It's in his court. I know that without a doubt, I certainly haven't shown him this much love before. Heck, from the texts I saw, he has 2 other woman taking care of him. Not just sexually, they both were worried about his infection that he had to get meds for. Let them apease and stroke his ego. Good lord! Whenever I feel wobbly, all I have to do is take a gander at those texts.
That's sad. No wife should have to see something like that. You are a strong woman.
I feel good. This is right. OW can be his option. Tallula is no man's option!!
Bravo! Keep it up.
Sounding strong Tally and it sounds as if you are on the right path for you!
Wow, Tally,
YOu are in a strong frame of mind!
I think establishing these boundaries will be good FOR YOU. You are right--you need to take care of you and your children, unborn child included.
Your H is waaaaaaaaaaay too dependent on you despite he has these OW in the wings.
Your words are what I want to say, but don't have the strength yet. And, my H hasn't been playing the kind of games yours has (he has maintained his steady progress of detaching from me and moving ever so slowly toward his destination (OW)).
(((((((((((HUGS to YOU!!))))))))))))))
Let us know response to your boundaries!
Journal: It's a long one...
He responded to the email: I agree. I was happy...then 5 minutes later a picture of a pig with um, very large balls, "Saw this, got jealous. Had to get a pic. I do and always will love you". Um, yeah. So normally we would have sent that and I would have joked back...but for real. I pretty much tell you I'm done with our R and pour my heart out and this is what you do? Ok. Mindreading, but I saw it as a way to engage me. I ignored it.
I got a sitter and was going to go to my ala-non meeting, but she couldn't get there until later so I went to an AA meeting. It was H and I's home group, but my bestie told him he hasn't been there in months so I went. Say hi to everyone "OMG, your preggo? How's H..." blah, blah. Some guys there know what is going on, super pissed at H. I sit in my seat. In walks H. For real. I see him. I get VERY angry. He HAD to have seen my car. I took a deep breath, gathered my stuff, and left. Before tears welled up and I just sobbed when I got to my car. I went to the ala-non meeting, I was 45 minutes late, but I needed somewhere safe to go. At least H didn't call or text. My hope is, he got it. One of the guys at the meeting called me "Did that (curse words) say something to make you upset!?!" No, just his presence does it now. I did get some satisfaction thinking at least he got to deal with the questions on why I hightailed it out of the meeting.
That's what I realized last night. I don't have many safe places. I'm a walking billboard belly for questions on my happiness. "OH my god, how wonderful!? Is H excited..." All the normal stuff people say to pregnant woman, and I'm over here like "Yeah, no so excited. My H is a cheating a$$hat..." Ala-non I walk in wondering "do they know? Will she be here?" I just want somewhere where I can go and be mad, happy, sad, angry...whatever and not have to pretend a dang thing.
I'm going out with some of my girlfriends tonight. I texted one today and told her everything. I just feels better than keeping it in. The way I see it is, I'm 99% done. The 99% is just working on bludgeoning the hope out of the 1%. I need support, and I have done nothing wrong. I just haven't. I have my faults, indeed, but I'm dealing with a serial cheater. Reality: There is no chance for a happy life with him. I'm keeping this all in on the 1% chance I lose my marbles and take him back...don't want to ruin the chance. Whaaaa?!?! Don't want him to get mad cause I tell people...really?! I should be mad. I don't need to be crazy, mean, annouce on facebook, tire slashing woman scorned...but Geez T, allow yourself to be mad!!!
I'm really peeling the layers away of just how co-dependant I've been on my H. Like...hello?!?! Honestly, I'm questioning whether I am truly an alcoholic, or just a young partier living with an alcoholic for 2 years (H). And that I've just needed ala-non all these years. I'm not going to go out and start drinking. A. I'm pregnant. But, if I really take a hard look, I may have just followed H into AA. Desparate not to lose him, and I found a safe place that did help me find a spiritual solution. I feel like a total idiot even saying it out loud on the anonymous interwebs...but I think it's true. Ugh, I feel pathetic.
Okay, don't feel stupid because the AA and al-anon has helped you to become what you are becoming today. The way I look at it is that you can't do it over...ever. What you can do is find the good in everything. I think you found a Tally that you didn't know existed. You found friends here and yuo found the strength to walk your own path, if indeed, you profess co dependency. Was it a bit of a b*tch to get here? Yup...but the rewards are worth it
I don't know how big your city is but can you find a new home group? I also know that many double winners are amazed at what they get from AlAnon that they didn't get from AA. It does tend to be a small community until you get to really large cities. I'm in a metro area of nearly 1 million and run into people from AlAnon groups I've attended quite often. I was in a restaurant just last week and looked over and saw a meeting after the meeting going on with the Sat morning group I attended.
You'll work through this and get to your solution, I have no doubt. Keep detaching.
I don't know how big your city is but can you find a new home group? I also know that many double winners are amazed at what they get from AlAnon that they didn't get from AA. It does tend to be a small community until you get to really large cities. I'm in a metro area of nearly 1 million and run into people from AlAnon groups I've attended quite often. I was in a restaurant just last week and looked over and saw a meeting after the meeting going on with the Sat morning group I attended.
You'll work through this and get to your solution, I have no doubt. Keep detaching.
Problem is, there a very few meetings with babysitting. One ala-non (that's the one he met the OW he loves at...nice I have to name the OWs like that, ha!) and the only weeknight one is my home group. So, I just need to email him that I need to go to that meeting since I have the kids all the time. Or, just strickly go to ala-non right now and pay for a sitter. Honestly, I just need ala-non more right now regardless if I'm alcoholic or not. I'm not spending much thought on that right now, it's just something I've been talking about with IC when talking about my extreme co-dependecy. I regret NONE of my path. I am a happy, stronger T from the twelve steps. I have great friends and support.
T -
I am so sorry you are stuggling today, but don't beat yourself up for where you are. Self-forgiveness is accepting of your past and where it led you to.
I can so relate to the self-consciousness you feel now that your pregnancy shows. All the things that would seem normal and quite welcome at this stage, become painful given our situations with our H. I also used to dread the comments and the "oh congratulations to both, H must be so happy to finally have the boy he wanted" etc. At the time only my closest family members and friends knew our sitch.
I didn't really want to give any explanations, get sympathy or make others feel awkward, so I kept silent and tried to avoid those social situations. Yet I admit it was a HUGE burden to carry. In a way I felt like I was enabling my H... IDK if I would do anything differently - I was just barely functioning and able to articulate a sentence w/o bursting into tears and I had to keep my composure, specially at work. So I protected myself the only way I could think of - by withdrawing socially from aquaintances, focusing on my little ones and finding refuge in those close ones who knew.
All this to just tell you to do whatever you need to protect yourself and try to keep up a PMA.
Re. your program groups, I like Bug's Idea of finding another home group if you can. I also would like to recommend going to CODA. Lots of AA, AlAnon and members of other recovery groups there. I have learned so much of my codependency relationships and behaviors there and why I am where I am today. You will feel right at home and yet be able to isolate your thoughts and behaviors apart from the alcohol use. After all, they were there before and some may probably still there post-sobriety...
As for your H, block him. His response to your email was just as immature and selfish as everyone of his actions so far. You don't need that in your life right now.
You are looking for a safe place? Create one in your mind and in your heart by protecting yourself from his issues - they are not yours. Enforce your boundaries and interact with him as little as possible until he learns to respect you. CODA helped me understand that.
(((((Tally)))))
Thanks, keeping.
If my H was only in one A, I would keep this to myself. You had hope that your M could be saved. Mine is not worth saving.
My sitch is that of a man who is not capable of monogamy. He is professing a torn choice between me and OW...while sleeping with a 3rd and lying to both of us. Really, he was weighing who will actually let him have cake. He was all for me to do it, until I set the boundary of transparency. I believe the only reason he told me about OW was because her XH was going to tell me. Then, when I set my boundaries, she became the better option. Because she doesn't know about all the As. She thinks she is a sparkly special woman who pulled H away from his wife, therefore why would she watch him closely? She is his true love! And each day since I discovered the intel on the nurse, I actually am starting to feel mildly sorry for her. I laugh, mostly. But sorry. All the damage being done, with no thought of others.
My anger is my shield. I will protect my boundaries. I will not protect my H. I do not plan to shout this from the rooftops, but I'm no longer keeping our separation a secret. I've decided that for myself. The more honest I am, the less power this crap has over me. No one needs to know the details, but I'm done covering anything up.
Journal:
Good weekend. Drop off was ackward, he seems mad. Ha, let him!! Going dark will be hard for him, for me...I feel so much better.
I moved up to 3 days a week at work and I've started telling people we are separated. Feels good not to be hiding things. I had this huge weight on myself. What if they figure it out? That he is a cheating jerk? Well, not my problem to manage. Not my actions, these are his consequences. I will not protect him any longer.
So I had allued to the start of our problems last year. My really close friend came to me in december 2011 and told him that H confessed a crush on her. She said that since then, it spiraled into a weird deal, and she didn't want it to come between us, but that they had a horrible email back and forth and that she no longer wanted to be around him. H and I had been fighting about her and how he hated her for months. I didn't understand, and when she told me it all made sense. I confronted H and he said that NO, in fact she was flirting with him and he told her to knock it off. No big deal, she begged him not to tell me and then he just started to hate her....blah, blah.
Well, for me, I was very upset with him for lying to me. I didn't understand why he wouldn't tell me after all the problems it was causing he and I. But, I stood by him and our friendship desolved horribly. She was hostile towards me, etc. It was horrible because our boys were best friends and she and I are fitness instructors together and it was super stressful on me all last year.
Anyway, this weekend I went and spoke with her. I wanted her to hear we are separated from me. It went suprisingly well. She sobbed and hugged me, apologized for taking her anger for him out on me. She said she completely understood why I had stood by him, but that due to the exchanges they had...felt that this would happen. Not ALL the crazy, even that suprised her.
I'm still processing it. We plan to have the boys hang and she has already texted me today about helping in anyway and how much she has missed me. She also understands that if we do renew the friendship, I would need to keep it on the super downlow because H would LOSE HIS MIND!! At least until we are D, or he has accepted we are over. Which, he hasn't right now.
I've been pretty sad, but I am also excited about my future.
Hi Tallula, I was thinking of you this morning and looked to see if you had an update. Here you are! Glad you had a good weekend and are making amends to heal relationships in your life. Don't let H's anger get to you or control you. His reactions are his responsibility and don't need to effect you any longer. Hang in there!
Sounds good Tally. Spring is a time for new beginnings, I always find I am a little lighter in these months
Sounds good Tally. Spring is a time for new beginnings, I always find I am a little lighter in these months
That has been the coolest part. I love that my decision has happened in spring. New beginnings. Get to stay out late and play with the kids! Go for runs with them, plant the garden.
H always has done the yardwork and said at his drop off "I'll be by this week to do some yard work...oh wait, I have to train for XYZ race" Yeah, $100 I end up mowing the yard, doing the yardwork. Oh well. I'm super pleasant to him, he just seems really sad. Friday drop off, he was mad. I just don't care.
i admire your strength. i'm glad you've got your friend back, too.
Check out "I Love It" by Icona Pop. Play it...alot and sing the lyrics as loudly as possible...trust me on this lol!!!
Check out "I Love It" by Icona Pop. Play it...alot and sing the lyrics as loudly as possible...trust me on this lol!!!
This is the second song on my new running mix right after carry on by Fun... I DON'T CARE...I LOVE IT!!!
Tallula, I signed up for a 5K in one month and I haven't run or jogged in over a year. What should I do? Help! My fallback option is just walk in the 5K when I need to, but I'd kind of like to get back to my old time, which is a hair under 40 minutes. I'm short so I'm slow.
How are you doing today?
Tallula, I signed up for a 5K in one month and I haven't run or jogged in over a year. What should I do? Help! My fallback option is just walk in the 5K when I need to, but I'd kind of like to get back to my old time, which is a hair under 40 minutes. I'm short so I'm slow.
How are you doing today?
Google "couch to 5k" It is an interval training program that is 6 weeks long. It is to get you from literally laying on the couch, to running a 5k. Since you are not, in fact, laying around on the couch, you should be good. I have worked about 10 moms through this who never ran...4 have now ran half marathons!!! The others still run 5ks, several are running one with me on saturday. You'll do great!!
I'm great, actually. The longer NC goes on, the better I feel. S4 was discussing his birthday party, which is a year away :), and was listing all the people that he wants to come. Then he goes "Oh, MY DAD!! But he lives far away." I told him that of course his dad will come because he loves him so much!! The cool part...no pang of hurt in my heart. No "But maybe..." Just calm. This [censored], I hate it for my kids, but it's the right thing for me. I texted H a pic of the kids and said I'd have them call him tonight to chat and say goodnight. He responded that that was really cool and thoughtful. I thought, yes H, those are the words I would use to describe me. LOL. I didn't respond further.
Journal:
I will say that I am dealing with some anger at him. But using it as a shield...thanks guys!! After talking with my friend, and really getting away from him and his manipulative emotional blackmail...I can really see the sitch. He only told me about OW because her XH was going to tell me. Then sat around and tried to figure out who would be the best option for his MAIN cake. He tried me on again, until I set the transparency boundaries. Now he is trying to keep both OW and myself on the hook, while starting with the nurse. He is a liar. I will no longer listen to words, only watch his actions. I'm mad. But, realistic. He is here to stay, but I will no longer allow myself to be pulled in by him.
I'm not an option anymore. I don't think he gets it yet. I think things may get nasty once he really sees that. I'm telling people that we are separated, now I can truly get all the support I need. No more pretending. With each person I tell, another brick is pulled off of me. I can breathe. It feels amazing!
Try the couch potato to 5K...and use the 5K as a training run, since that program is a 10 week. That is the one that got me running last summer and now have a half marathon in two weeks
Tallula -
Been following ya but haven't posted in a while. Just wanted to say I'm glad you sound so good. Anger, as a shield, isn't a bad thing in my opinion. Keep up the good work and stay strong.
All this running talk has me wanting to run today. I hurt my I-T band a few weeks ago and took time off to rehab. It was feeling better so I ran 5 miles Saturday and OUCH!!! Taking this week off because I have a 10k this Saturday. W is running it also and wants to run together so we'll look like the walking wounded. Figure I should try since it's something we can do together and not have to talk...
Maybe it only seemed like a ten week program lmao!!! Maybe because I stalled a bit because I am actually lazy.....
But, I have given to a few friends and it worked for me...6 weeks? Really? Seemed so much longer lmao!!
Maybe it only seemed like a ten week program lmao!!! Maybe because I stalled a bit because I am actually lazy.....
But, I have given to a few friends and it worked for me...6 weeks? Really? Seemed so much longer lmao!!
You know what, it may be 8 or 10...I modified it to a 6 week program
When I train for marathons I ususally follow a 12 week program. The longer the better for time. But if your goal is to run it the whole time, interval training will get you there!
Tallula -
Been following ya but haven't posted in a while. Just wanted to say I'm glad you sound so good. Anger, as a shield, isn't a bad thing in my opinion. Keep up the good work and stay strong.
All this running talk has me wanting to run today. I hurt my I-T band a few weeks ago and took time off to rehab. It was feeling better so I ran 5 miles Saturday and OUCH!!! Taking this week off because I have a 10k this Saturday. W is running it also and wants to run together so we'll look like the walking wounded. Figure I should try since it's something we can do together and not have to talk...
Oooh, I T band injuries...not fun. I had a hip flexor injury last year and that is when I became a religious foam roller. All I know, is when I first foam rolled my IT band...I almost passed out. And I've birthed a baby with not epidural... Good luck, man! H and I are both long distance runners and ran together all the time. We still wore our ipods, it was just nice to do things together.
I am in awe of you guys <<<<<not a runner.......
Ha, Inside. I do have to say, now that race season is kicking off...I'm a bit bummed. I'm doing some 10ks, but this year I was going to start doing triathalons. Now, I'm a year out and wondering how I will do that training as a single mom of 3...sigh.
T... how are you doing? Does h know you are now DONE? Whats he like?
I did the foam roller again Saturday and OMG did it hurt!!! I don't remember it being that bad the first time I hurt it, I was almost in tears. Funny story, my S5 sensed weakness and dive bombed me on the floor and is still claiming a wrestling victory, even told grandma last night on the phone that he beat me
. The pain is a little less everyday plus lots of ice. If adversity and pain fosters growth I'm expecting a lot of growth this Saturday...
IO - I was never a distance runner until about a year ago. I started with the couch to 5K and got hooked after about a month. Joining a running club is a great way to meet new people also. When I started last year someone told me that runners only talk about running when not running but as soon as they start running they talk about life. It's true!!!
Tallula - If I know anything about you, I'm guessing you'll find a way to do that triathalon. Have faith
Also not a runner, but fancy myself to be every time I hit the treadmill which is about 2 x every three months lol
Tallula you are sounding great. IMO, using anger as a shield and not the dreaded sword, is one of the most effective techniques to use when protecting yourself (not that I always am able to employ it myself).
wondering how I will do that training as a single mom of 3....
Dont borrow trouble from the future....you are blossoming in the here and NOW.
xxx
wondering how I will do that training as a single mom of 3....
Dont borrow trouble from the future....you are blossoming in the here and NOW.
xxx
Your are right. If I think of everything I'm going to face, I'll be in a ball on the floor...and I"m not a ball on the floor type a gal. I'm pretty amazing...so I figure I'll find a way. Kidding. But I have amazing people in my life, so I know I have help. Right now, I need to just think about how awesome it is to be able to plop my kids in the double jogger tonight and run. The weather is awesome! But S4 could use some thinning out...
wondering how I will do that training as a single mom of 3....
T-
You will definitely be able to do it! Since you are already a solid long distance runner, you will be able to do a Sprint Tri with your eyes closed. Probably won't even need to train much (in terms of endurance). Just attend one or two clinics on open water swimming, race transitions and equipment and you can do it.
I transitioned from running to triathlons just a little before D5 was born. I was working 60+ hrs. a week at the time, so I stuck with just a few Sprint races each season. It wasn't till a few years later that I ventured into the Olympic distance.
Then I scaled back to Sprint again when S1 was born. Then last year I didn't do any - it was way too much, but this season I am doing 2 races in late Summer. No time to do too much, but I still want to set goals and accomplish them.
Just like running - just start slow and steady. I think you will LOVE doing triathlons. The camaraderie is just incredible. Join your local Triathlon club - great social activities, training partners, clinics and events. Perfect combination of social and exercise GAL...
(((((tallula)))))
Tallula
You are amazing, a true inspiration. Think of the example you are showing your kids. How to stand up for yourself, how not to tolerate disrespectful behavior. Plus you deserve a chance at a happy relationship, and so do they deserve the chance to be a part of that some day.
Thanks, KG!! I was a competitive swimmer growing up, so I know I can do it. I just get a little bummy thinking of working & with the kids and trying to fit in much me time. And I'm NOT buying a triple jogging stroller. My double was crazy expensive enough.
Ha. Tig. You seriously made me cry. So many moments I feel so weak, but I am strong. I deserve better, my kids deserve the WORLD!!! We will survive and thrive from this, I will make sure of it!!
So I just have to laugh and share this. I texted H a pic of the kids this morning. I kept the exchange completely about the kids, very one word. I posted on it earlier. Then I get this a few hours ago
H:How about XZY?
A baby name suggestion
I texted back a few names I LOVE and he texts this:
H: all of those names mean gay or getting his butt whipped in school. XYZ name it is!
I haven't answered. God, why did I marry this guy, ha. I mean, how is Gus a girlie name? Anywho, I want to text back, why don't we ask girlfriend #1, she picks fabulous names... FYI-her kids names are ridiculous. I won't post them, but one is like naming your kid Brick. It's a type of metal. But, alas. I went NC. Maybe I'll just name the kid myself...
Omg what a cruel thing to say, I'd love to put my heel up his crack right now
I haven't answered. God, why did I marry this guy, ha. I mean, how is Gus a girlie name? Anywho, I want to text back, why don't we ask girlfriend #1, she picks fabulous names... FYI-her kids names are ridiculous. I won't post them, but one is like naming your kid Brick. It's a type of metal. But, alas. I went NC. Maybe I'll just name the kid myself...
I have to agree with Gabbysmom, except a D bag is slightly better than someone who says crap like that. I'd give him your options for a name he can choose from your list and then you decide what name you want. If his decision coincides with yours then "sweet" if not then "sweet" lol.
You'll run tri's thats what winners do, they find ways to win even when the odds are against them. You T are that winner!!
Ok, I agree that my H is a narsassistic dbag. But, he was joking. He use to say that stuff to get a rise out of me when we were picking names for S4. I took that more as a way to try & get me to engage in banter with him and annoy me. Plus, the name he said meant manly. I had listed the names with there meanings. I just see that he isn't going to probably ever stop trying to engage me. Barf.
Even tonight when I had the kids call them on speaker he was all "give your mom a big hug from me.". Then trying to ask me how I was, how I'm feeling, how my sister is. I just kept pulling the kids back in, then when D2 kept kidding the phone (so freakin' cute!!!) and hanging up on him, I let him go.
Holy phone typos... She kept kissing the phone
I was going to guess kicking the phone, which could also be cute considering who was on the other line! :p
T.... I totally see "how" you do it in your interractions with h, and how he pursues back... interesting. I will try your approach. Please be patient with me and keep reminding me how you do it (by examples).. TX
I was going to guess kicking the phone, which could also be cute considering who was on the other line! :p
Buh wa wa wa! Spit out my water. Awesome!!!
WFM- I've learned patience through DB, do I have plenty for you
you will get there!!
T, you are so strong. I admire your strength and focus. You have clarity about your sitch despite how incredibly difficult the circumstances are!
Thanks GTO!
Journal:
So H texted for me to bring the kids major league baseball outfits. I texted back that they will be so excited to see the game. Of course, pang in my heart...right? So here is the text exchange:
H: I know you have set boundaries, of which I respect but I know how much it hurts me to not go to the zoo & stuff. I have 4 tickets sat.
Me: I appreciate the invite. It's just too hard for me to be around you. I want to eventually be able to do family stuff. Let me just think about it, but probably not.
As I hit send this comes through
H:scratch that it's a bad idea
H:I'm sorry I just am lost. Don't know what to do
H: If you've given up I have numbers for free or cheap divorce. One is catholic so you can probably get that legit thru them.
M:I'm not ready to D, yet. I'm letting you go and trying to process my hurt & anger. I don't think we need to rush to do anything, especially when we are both so full of emotion. If you feel different, I'm open to whatever. I just think time won't do anything but help.
H: Good
H: They have counselling
Me: For you, me, kids?
H:just sent u email. This past week had me worried and looking. I still don't know.
M: Look, I won't just spring a D on you. I want to choose a mediator together & D as civily as possible. Which is why I don't see a need to rush. I'm hurt. I'm angry. All I know is we aren't together but where still acting like we were. So, now we aren't. I'm processing that.
H:Not trying to imply any fault. Now I'm sorry I ever explain how I feel.
H: Have a good day.
Me: I wasn't mad.
H: I hate text.
AND...then I called him. Bad idea. I won't do the exact blow by blow...but man!! I was calm. I reiterated the above. He said that he felt I was done. I said that I'm the closest to that, but right now I just need to detach. Taking it step by step. Then there was just a bunch of "sorry I'm just such a mess" and not in a very sorry tone. How getting my email was so hurtful that I'll never trust him and think he is running around sleeping with all these people. Then he launched into how he may never trust me since I looked through his stuff. I was silent. Is he really trying to turn this on me?! Yes. Yes he is. Barf. There were things about him not having any support. How he gets my resentments...but I think that is when he threw in how hurtful my email was. His phone started cutting out, which was good because I started to feel a bit bad...eye roll...I know. So I said I need to go.
I'm sitting here at work...stunned. CLearly not working
But, I realized that I still want this man to GET IT. Like, hello?! Look what you are doing. He says it flippantly, "I get it, I'm the dbag!" Um, no. You don't . And, you never will. And that needs to be ok with me. I need to accept that. He is a wild animal in a corner. He is clawing for any way out. He old manipulations aren't working. Why aren't they working on her? And I am still looking for a rational response. A sincere "I'm sorry. I have really screwed up." Not the I get it, BUT! As long as I show a smidgen of weakness, he will try to exploit that. He wants me to feel sorry for him. I've spent months doing that. I'm going to feel sorry for the pregnant wife who trusted someone and was c r a p e d on, and their 3 children that have to deal with the explosion. And I'm the first hand outstretched to help them stand up, move on and kick some butt!
Oh, Tallula. This is so hard. I understand how you feel. You had a glimpse of hope that maybe he will get it, but your H is a manipulator, big time. Don’t get pulled into this again. I agree with you that you need to detach and process this first, and then think about the next steps. I would try to avoid any R talks with him, it will only upset you and give him another chance for his manipulations.
You are a very strong person. You will get through this. One step at a time. (((((HUGS)))))
Thanks, BF.
I don't know, I go back and forth between...start it and divorce, and let's let things sink in. Let your emotions level out before fighting over the fridge and the 30 hammers we have. Cause I haven't said "I'm done. We aren't getting back together. But let's wait to actually hammer things out." Which is how I feel. So I feel like I'm stringing him along. He had brought up how hurtful it was to say we aren't in a trust building place. (My eyes still hurt from them rolling to the back of my head on that one) I just said, "We aren't. You are still with OW. So, you aren't trying to build trust with me." But maybe I should have said, "No, and I never will. I'm done." I was thinking maybe the process would be better. I detach emotionally, then a few months down the road I say I'm truly done.
I think I'm scared to say it. I'm scared to say out loud to him, I'm done. I'm scared he will react crazy, get mean. I'm just scared. But...I'm done.
I'll explore this with IC Monday. What do you guys think?
I agree. Saying it out loud makes it even more real. You know you are done & feel solid about that. I wouldn't want to have to deal with my H being mean either, that certainly won't help your frame of mind or emotional state.
I suggest waiting to see what IC advises. I've read in your posts that you both use the same C. They may be able to help you since C knows both you & H.
They always say don't make any major decisions until at least a year after trauma... give yourself time to marinate in your feelings. In many ways, maybe it'll be easier when baby is born to really take your concentration off of R with H. And maybe you'll be so empowered by being your badd-*ss single mom self that it'll be a lot easier to deal with down the road.
Ooh! Great thinking. I'd go this route!
Ok, I did some work. Calmed down. Sometimes just getting it out on here is so helpful. In the meantime, H did what he does and texted me that he is crazy and he was sorry. I didn't respond, and won't.
I think my need to tell him, is to control. Like, if I tell him, then he won't keep pursuing me. Or that it's somehow not fair to him. Or that X, or that Y fear. He knows I'm pretty much done. I've said it, and I'm showing it. He may never stop, even if we D. So, detach. Continue what I'm doing. I can't control this. Only me.
YOU ARE RIGHT!
No more dipping my foot in the pool of crazy R talks. He can spin, not my problem.
I need to remember, I'm starting a life of my own. He doesn't have to be clued in on everything. He certainly didn't give me a heads up with OW #1 or OW#2
Bad a$$ single mom. I'm making a tshirt!!
I'll buy that tshirt! And print on the back Team Tallula!
I read somewhere or someone told me, divorce should be intentional, not reactive.
Stop the phone stuff unless it's about the business of the family. You let him in when you said "Let me think about it."
Boundaries go both ways.
I read somewhere or someone told me, divorce should be intentional, not reactive.
Stop the phone stuff unless it's about the business of the family. You let him in when you said "Let me think about it."
Boundaries go both ways.
You are right. I KNEW better when I put that in there. Thanks, Labug!! You are my boundary lady. Should have simply answered, thank you & no.
I had been doing to good at not letting him in.
I will repeat the divorce needs to be intentional, not reactive.
I agree it's needs to be intentional, not reactionary. But finding out about OW #2(3...4...) isn't reactionary, it eye opening to the actual problem. He is a serial cheater and has no desire to change. Also, every decision you make ultimately effects the kids. They will go through everything you go through. They are seeing the mamma's emotions and feeling them. Thankfully, they are young enough so they aren't learning that daddy's behavior is normal.
Don't be afraid to say "you're done" out loud. Only you know if you are. If you are ok with who he is, then keep at it. If not, and you don't either see him wanting to change or don't want to wait the time it will take for him to change (and who knows how long that would be), then why not announce your intentions. Announce it, then move forward. One problem I battle constently is that I don't always stick with the decisions I make (though I know whole heartedly that I NEED to keep them). In the end, I end up getting hurt or walked on.
Brian
Tallula,
Hope I am not being rude by going totally off topic, but I love the title of your thread!
I used to play a kind of "peek-a-boo" with my toddlers to that song, popping my head out from behind a chair (or whatever) with each "mana mana." They would squeal with laughter! So, seeing the title of your thread makes me smile. Hope reading that gives you a grin, too.
On the subject of your actual thread...I guess there isn't a lot I can say, except I'm sorry that this happened to you, and I hope the life you rebuild from here is everything you are hoping for.
I agree it's needs to be intentional, not reactionary. But finding out about OW #2(3...4...) isn't reactionary, it eye opening to the actual problem. He is a serial cheater and has no desire to change. Also, every decision you make ultimately effects the kids. They will go through everything you go through. They are seeing the mamma's emotions and feeling them. Thankfully, they are young enough so they aren't learning that daddy's behavior is normal.
Don't be afraid to say "you're done" out loud. Only you know if you are. If you are ok with who he is, then keep at it. If not, and you don't either see him wanting to change or don't want to wait the time it will take for him to change (and who knows how long that would be), then why not announce your intentions. Announce it, then move forward. One problem I battle constently is that I don't always stick with the decisions I make (though I know whole heartedly that I NEED to keep them). In the end, I end up getting hurt or walked on.
Brian
Well, see and then you say what is in my head. I am done. There is no way I will allow myself to continue in a marriage with someone who is doing this. I know I will back that up.
In our conversation today, he was going on and on about how hurtful it was for me to think that he is running around with all these woman. And he can't just accept his responcibiliy, has to throw out that he may never be able to trust me since I looked through his stuff. Ok. Yeah. I wouldn't give a crap if he looked through my stuff, especially if I GAVE him a reason to look. Ok...here I go again. Trying to get crazy to see rational thought. And, even if he was willing to change, I know I will never trust him. That's not fair to either of us. But, he isn't willing, so here we are.
I will discuss this with my IC. Maybe just saying I'm done, but we can talk later about D. Get finances in order now. See how we feel after the baby gets here to really D or just legally separate.
I just feel like it's lying to not state that I won't be staying married to him. Especially since he outright asked.
I titled my thread exactly to make me smile. Muppets, they just make you laugh. And I have to keep laughing and smiling. I won't let this dim my light!!
I love the muppets, too. Never grew up, I guess. Not the same since Jim Henson died.
With regard to H trying to turn it around on you...I can maybe give you some perspective on that. He feels guilty, unfounded, without a leg to stand on...in short (I think), he feels like he is in a position in which he is morally inferior to you. He feels morally threatened and ashamed, and wants reason to feel like he is not complete trash. So, he tries to find something to blame you for, so that you will be on equal footing.
I regret to say that I know this tactic firsthand. I have f***ed up a lot in my M, and during fights I have used this weak and pathetic device. I wish I could say that it has been a long time since I did. Sometimes it seems to come out automatically. I am working on changing my reactions.
There is no excuse for what he did to you (I could say the same thing of myself). I thought it might make his answers easier to tolerate if you understood what was going on behind his face.
Check on your state laws...I know in Alabama, you can't get divorced if you are preggo...So that choice may be made for you.
Still praying for you girl. I know you have the strength and determination to to make it through this. You are such a strong and wonderful person.
THinking of you, T! (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))
-turtle/GTO
Hey T, just thinking of you.
You do what feels right. Whatever the decision, it always comes attached with mixed emotion, but that is to be expected. These people were in our lives for long periods of time and no matter if we are done or not, it still is emotional.
GTO, First I want to say I do admire you and think you are an amazingly strong person. My heart goes out to you.
I have a question and that is all it is, nothing more. You have said that a PA crosses your line and since you have stuck this out with EA, I assume EA does not cross your line. I am not saying either are ok, as they are so wrong in my book. My question is why does a PA cross and EA not for you?
For me my W had or is still having an EA and for me that burns much deeper than a PA would. PA and EA together I guess is the worst possible, but for me an EA is so much more meaningful and hurtful, for me.
Sh!t Sorry Tallula thought I was on GTO's thread!!!
Hi Talulla... in my small town today, saw a cute litte red car with the licence plate Talula!.... was that you?...LOL
Hope you are having a good day today!
Nope! Ha, no cute little red car for me.
JP- hilarious!
So in my state we can't D until after the baby is born. I got a call a text from H this morning to call him ASAP. Well, he had to tell me that he got into a verbal altercation with a guy in our AA home group. Bthen H slapped him in the face. Ya. It happens to be the next door neighbor of his OW...who is married to my best friends cousin. You can't make this up. He has been very vocal about how messed up & angry he is at H for what he is doing.
I didn't respond at first. H asked if I hate him more. I said no. I don't. I just don't care anymore. His choices are catching up to him & he is lucky that they guy didn't press charges. He got all "I'll just leave everyone alone since I keep letting everyone down". I got off the phone. I didn't RSVP to the pity party.
Spirally down. He is cracking, that's for sure. I just have to ket go of him acting crazy around the kids. Deep breath
Good for you Tallula... I like the way you handled THAT! It amazes me how you disengage from his 'tude. Is it because you are detached or are you truly not caring anymore. (there is a diff)
More detached. I still care, but not more than my POM. These are the consequences of his actions.
He is just sooo angry, so it does worry me to think he'll get into a physical fight with someone in front of my kids. But, nothing I can do about it. I want to believe he would be responsible, but clearly everything I thought about this man has changed. His dad had fought with people infront of him. It's sad. The man he has hated since he was little...he is becoming. I do fear he will kill himself. But, not so much that I will enable anything or try to soften his consequences. That would be tragic, but not my fault. I spent years getting over my uncles suicide & feeling it was my fault. Today I know in my soul I am not responsible for the choices of others.
It's just so sad.
1. the pity party routine, to me sounds like attempting to paint himself a victim so he can be mad and his attacker (ie you and everyone else) to justify why he's a cheater and a neighbor slapper and whatever other problems he won't face. He can point his attention out at all the meanies keeping him down. Glad you're turning away from that routine. I'm going to steal the rsvp line too.
2. you are not no matter what responsible in any way for any person's decision to commit suicide. Especially not with the integrity, grace, and assertiveness with which you're handling yourself with H but even if you weren't. Your fear won't help him, and you know that. Find a place to put it where it doesn't get to you.
Tallula, maybe you standing up for yourself, not going to his pity-parties, and removing yourself from his behaviours... are EXACTLY What he needs to WAKE UP! For the sake of the kids, yourself & your M... I sure hope so! ((HUGS))
So I took some time away from the boards. Just needed to breath and live.
Journal:
Anger has been bubbling up inside me. Friday at drop off H, yet again, tried to put the moves on me. Sigh. Then asked again if I hated him for the slap sitch. I just looked at him. He goes "See, this is the problem. We are fundamentally different." I left. I sat in the truck seething. Yea, bud. THAT IS the problem. We ARE fundamentally different. You think you can bang other woman. I don't. THE END.
Long story short, we both had counciling Monday night. I'm trying this new thing were I just tell him what I need him to do. I know, novel concept. So I texted that he take the kids to my house and put them to bed during my session. He agreed. With no complaints. I was shocked.
I spoke to my councilor about my anger. How I am sick of any responcibility to be thrown at me. She suggested that when he does, I say "I will not accept any responcibility for your cheating. That is not on me." I left feeling good. Strong.
I walk in the door and H says he wants to talk to me. This should be fun. He then goes on to say that he always wanted to be monogomous. "I've been focusing all my anger on you. I've been cruel and mean. I had to blame you, because I just couldn't accept that I was the problem. It had to be that I didn't love you enough or you weren't this or that, so I didn't have to see that I'm the problem. You are awesome. And I can't be happy with that. I'm so sorry."
Yea. Yeah. So tears started to stream down my face. I wasn't crying or sobbing, just the tears. I told him that I am so hurt. That he will never know the amount of pain that he has caused me, mostly with his anger and trying to blame me. That it means alot to hear, but that I hope it continues. Because I won't accept any more blame. I just won't.
So I've been marinating on that. It makes me sad. Sad, because it ignited a small hope in me that we could fix this. But I know, we can never be again. He didn't say he was going to stop cheating. He still hasn't admitted there is more than just OW. My only hope is that he continues to be remorseful, kinder towards me. That he can heal himself and be a happy person. But, as always with him these days...let's see what tomorrow brings.
The baby is kicking up a blue streak. That is exciting. The kids are very excited, S4 keeps talking about all the toys he will give him and helping me with diapers. D2 just keeps saying "BABY!! mumble, mumble." And life just keeps ticking along.
"I've been focusing all my anger on you. I've been cruel and mean. I had to blame you, because I just couldn't accept that I was the problem. It had to be that I didn't love you enough or you weren't this or that, so I didn't have to see that I'm the problem.\\
I find this very significant for whatever type of R you and your H cultivate, Tallula. If this is sincere, which of course time will reveal, then this could really be a shift in your H that he needs for himself to begin to heal and grow. I know I shouldnt compare, but really? I could not imagine my H saying something like that to me. He is adamant that I was the problem (why he left) and still am the problem (I didn't run to the D lawyer when he yelled boo).
Exciting baby news!!!!!! What a beautiful, positive, affirmation of life and love for you and your kids to have right now. :-)
He then goes on to say that he always wanted to be monogomous. "I've been focusing all my anger on you. I've been cruel and mean. I had to blame you, because I just couldn't accept that I was the problem. It had to be that I didn't love you enough or you weren't this or that, so I didn't have to see that I'm the problem. You are awesome. And I can't be happy with that. I'm so sorry."
Pardon the cynicism in me, but, B.S...
If he always wanted to be monogamous, he would've found a way to do so. And in doing so come to grips with his problems without being mean and cruel in the process.
I could VERY much be wrong here, but, it looks to me like he's telling you what he thinks you want to hear. On the surface, from an outsider perspective, this looks a lot like more manipulation, but, what do I know...?
Either way, T, you are a very strong lady and I know you'll do what you have to in order to protect yourself and your kids.
[quote=bblake1968
Pardon the cynicism in me, but, B.S...
If he always wanted to be monogamous, he would've found a way to do so. And in doing so come to grips with his problems without being mean and cruel in the process.
I could VERY much be wrong here, but, it looks to me like he's telling you what he thinks you want to hear. On the surface, from an outsider perspective, this looks a lot like more manipulation, but, what do I know...?
Either way, T, you are a very strong lady and I know you'll do what you have to in order to protect yourself and your kids. [/quote]
I agree with you. He would have to do some serious changing for me to ever see him as nothing but a manipulative person at this point. I see no M future. Just that we are parents together. Maybe one day we could be friends...emphasis on the maybe. Right now I just think the worst and if he surprises me, then there we go. And whenever I feel wobbly...I read the texts I took pics of. Clears things right up, hahaha.
I know that the NC has really thrown him for a loop. He said he was talking to the IC about never feeling safe. He said as stupid as it sounds he is trying to create one for himself now. He said the councilor asked if he felt it was a person or a place. He said the only person in the world he has ever felt close to safe with was me.
Well, sorry bud. That ship has sailed. I'm all about actions today. Bet a million dollars he starts blaming me again when this little speech doesn't get me to let him move back in. Or whatever he thinks. I know when he was over sunday helping me with yardwork I had gotten teary about this baby not having me at home with him. I walked away, cried. Started mowing. He walked up and said "I need to you to know that I haven't given up on us." He saw the look on my face (Um...but I'm done.) and goes "you don't need to say anything. I just need you to know."
Yea. I. Me. Me...me...me
It is interesting how the WAH doesn't have the power/control HE thinks he has.
You are in control of you. And if you believe your M is over, (based on your H's continued A's and irrational behavior) then it is.
You are doing an amazing job working through all this. All the while pregnant and cultivating your own yard. You go, littl momma girl!!
i can't believe how amazing you can be dealing with this while expecting a little one. i also can't believe how anyone can walk out on or cheat on a spouse while they're pregnant.
i've been reading a lot of quotes about heartbreak (i know.. sadistic of me) and this one seems fitting..
i make no apologies for how i choose to repair what you broke.
Yeah, T, how r u? What's going on w u?
Hi Tallula... been thinking 'bout you. How are you?
Yeah T...is everything ok?
I'm ok. Just been busy, kinda taking a break from the boards. I'll post an update later.
I'm doing great, though. Hope to catch up with you all too!!
Good to hear you are ok, T. I look forward to your update!
((((Tallula)))))
Hey, friends!!
So, life has just been ticking along. My H is still being remorseful, more helpful with the kids and I keep getting firmer in my belief that my marriage is over.
By moving further away from the emotional rollercoaster of dealing with a spouse in a affair...or in my case, as spouse that cheats with anyone...I see that an affair is a deal breaker for me. I believe that even one would be. Because regardless if my H was remoseful (which he has become. confessed EVERYTHING to me the last week and is begging me to let him come home...NOPE!), does a 180, gives me transparency, the whole nine, I will never trust him again. I will always feel the sting of that betrayal, of the abuse. And today, I feel that cheating is abuse. Plain and simple. I deserve someone who will love me completely and not abuse me. I'd rather be alone. My kids will be fine. Now I'm just working on me and continuing to be the best mom and person I can be, and to ensure that I pick a better mate next time.
We are, however, contemplating him physically moving back into the home in the basement bedroom. Financially, we can not support 2 households and I don't want to divorce and be financially ruined. We both go to IC tonight. We have spoken about the boundaries he would need to uphold. My personal plan would be to fix up the house, sell it, then we could both move to separate homes and divorce. I worry about the impact to the kids, him moving back in only to move out again, but the housing market really [censored] around us and it could be a long time before we could have the house ready to sell anyway. Otherwise, he finds a close to free place to live (um, do you know of those) or I move in with the kids to my parents.
We have a month to figure it out. I'm praying and really trying to be very mindful of our decision. I'm going to read up on everyone, hope you are all well.
Rough night. Rough, rough night.
IC went well, she told me to make a list of the boundaries I need for H to move back into the house. Know my dealbreakers ie sleeps in basement bedroom, no OW while living here, phone records, no putting the moves on me, makes dinner 2 nights a week, does dishes on the nights I cook, and picks the kids up from daycare 2 nights a week.
So, I get out of my appointment and had some missed calls from my dad and aunt. Not normal. So, my 45 year old uncle has stage 4 cirrhosis of the liver. Given 2 months to a year if he doesn't stop drinking. Multiple curse words. I get to McD's to get the kids from H. We were outside the car. I just let all my emotions fly. Told him off for banging anything that moves, how I angry I am that someone who was suppose to me my partner, my confidant and lover could purposely and with forethought devastate my security to my CORE! (yeah, I may have been a wee dramatic. All true, non the less, hilariously dramatic. It gets better. All in all, it reminds me of my favorite scene from Christmas vacation) How I laugh and laugh at main OW who thinks she is so amazingly wonderful that he would leave his wife and babies to be with her shiny (um, I may have used a word that rhymes with hussy) all while he is schtupping a nurse at his gma's nursing home and begging the aforementioned wife to take him back. Why in the holy heck does anyone think I can get my uncle to stop drinking and killing himself when I can't get my H to stop sticking it every warm body?! "I just want someone to come to my house, tell me I'm beautiful, that everything will be ok, fold some laundry, do the dishes, schtupp me and bring me some multiple curse words frozen yogurt and get out. Oh, and the G D garage door sensor is all messed up so I kicked it repeatedly!! It's broken. You're welcome." He looks at me
H "You done?"
:blink: Me "Yea"
H "That was impressive!" smiling.
Me "Really? Cause it felt good."
H "I bet! I'm a grade A a$$clown. I've been waiting for you to do that."
Me "You really are. Wow."
H "I will never be able to forgive myself or make up for ever making you feel you are anything less than amazing."
Me "Nope. You won't. A+ for really shredding it up good, though." laughing
H "I mean, really. How in the world did I even convince myself that any of this was your fault?! I'm really one messed up dude. You are right to run in the other direction. Heck, If I could, I would. I can't belive (uncle) is dying. This [censored]."
M "Yeah." I cried. He held me. I went home. Put the kids down and just sobbed all night.
When it comes down to it, I'm healthy. My kids are healthy. My cousin is 12. His dad is dying. My uncle, my friend. He is in hell. 18 years ago he, my other uncle and I were super close. We all were partiers. My uncle killed himself, we found him on my 18th birthday. Things have just never been the same. I got sober, my uncle continued to drink...be dry...drink...be dry. Today I'm sad. I'm real sad.
It's moments
Opps.
It's moments like these that I remind myself, God is carrying me. Footprints in the sand. I'm not alone. I will never be alone. I can handle this. Feel it, and carry on!
"Well I woke up to the sound of silence
And cries were cutting like knives in a fist fight
And I found you with a bottle of wine
Your head in the curtains
And heart like the Fourth of July
You swore and said,
"We are not,
We are not shining stars"
This I know,
I never said we are
Though I've never been through hell like that
I've closed enough windows to know you can never look back
If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on
Carry on, carry on
So I met up with some friends at the edge of the night
At a bar off 75
And we talked and talked about how our parents will die,
All our neighbours and wives
But I like to think I can cheat it all
To make up for the times I've been cheated on
And it's nice to know when I was left for dead
I was found and now I don't roam these streets
I am not the ghost you are to me
If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on
Whoa
My head is on fire but my legs are fine
After all they are mine
Lay your clothes down on the floor
Close the door, hold the phone
Show me how no one’s ever gonna stop us tonight
'Cause here we are
We are shining stars
We are invincible
We are who we are
On our darkest day
When we’re miles away
Sun will come
We will find our way home
If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on"
Love you Tallula! Just keep leaning on God right now.
T,
I am really sorry to hear about your uncle's health. I will pray for him and your whole family.
You are dealing with so much right now, but you keep proving how strong you are in the face of adversity.
Yes - carry on...
((((((((Tallula)))))))
(((Tally))))
You are strong. That is one of my favourite songs.
Good for you
You deserve to be adored, worshipped, schtupped and brought yogourt at your whim. Settle for nothing less.
(((Tally))))
You deserve to be adored, worshipped, schtupped and brought yogourt at your whim. Settle for nothing less.
I'm getting that shiz stitched on a pillow...
You are strong T. Very inspirational. I am sorry about your uncle's health.
And I agree with Ruby...You deserve nothing less :-)
Take care of yourself, T, and those babies of yours!!