LIfe after DB - DivorceBusting.com

Hey:

Not sure if many people remember me or my sitch. Just want to update. As low as we can get on here and those of you know that know my sitch where my wife committed suicide in Augest of 2011 can attest to how low i became. There is life after failed attempts to reconcile. The sun will in fact come up and life does in fact go on and its up to each and every one of us to determine how we do that. GAL is very difficult indeed, almost impossible as long as we allow ourselves to stay stuck.
Now in my sitch, i had NO choice but to move on. She didnt divorce me, she simply died and I was convinced i would never see another real happy day. I went through a very infantile stage if you will, where i dated a number of woman and was intimate with a few in hopes that things would improve, they did not.
As cliche as it sounds, when you least expect it , somebody will come into your life if you allow that opening to materialize. And now , i cannot believe how happy i am since i have found a lovely lady that stimulates me in every way.
Sometimes we put our exes on a pedestal and see only the good.
Now that the fog has finally cleared, i can see some truths.

1) Her death was NOT my fault despite my earlier self loathing
2)She was a beautiful person and i did love her, but i am capable of finding love again with someone that is even more compatible and will love me for who i am
3) She cheated on me and did not value me as a person. But she didnt value herself either.
4) Life does go on and since its the only one we get, we better start living life. Love that quote from Shawshank
"either get busy living or get busy dying"

I have chosen the latter despite some crazy hard days and nights. Sometimes i didnt think i would make it.

Im only one story,, but I now know that my wife did not define who i am.

Peace all

Nine

thank you ! i,m following your footsteps and you give me hope.

Hey Nine !!!

Good to see you posting buddy.

And I don't care what CS says about you, you are a heck of a guy....

How are the boys doin ???

Nine, thank you for that post. I'm sorry for all you went through. But it is so important to be reminded that our spouse does not define us, nor does our divorce, marital situation, bad habits, or anything. We get to define ourselves.

I'm so glad for where you are in life now.

Wow 9, I just can't imagine what you went through. I seen your screen name before but was not familiar with your sitch...But I'm glad you are doing better. Yes we all hit lows on this board but I'm glad to have find this place.

Keep living 9, you're doing great.

Newman

really good to hear from you, nine.

I am very happy to see your post and that you have found peace. Keep moving forward and as Mach mentioned, would love to hear how the boys are.

Nine,

It's great to see you back sounding so good.

Time heals. I know it is cliche but it is true.

Your story is about as tragic as it gets, but it's great to hear you've gotten past the pain and have found a place of joy again, maybe even greater joy than before

Certainly that's a message of hope for all of us. Congrats to you!

Nine, I am very happy to read your post. Thank you.

Nine I am in awe. So glad you checked in. I have about your sitch on the boards I starting coming here right around the time of your W suicide. You are so right about the Shawshank quote we need to remind ourselves its our choice which path to take.

I am copying down your list and rewritting to fit my sitch.

Thanks for giving back to us by your uplifting post

Nine,

You are truly an inspiration. Thank you for stopping by to give us an update. I applaud you and your new found and much deserved happiness.

It's very kind of you to remember us. I have thought of you many times and wondered how you were. Thnk you so much for letting us know about your new love. You deserved it, Nine!

God bless,
Sandi

Nine,

So glad you hear from you. I think of you (and your late w) often.

I couldn't be happier to hear about how you now realize your late w's death was NOT your fault. I'm happy about the new woman in your life too, although from your words it sounds as if you'd have been alright without a new woman too.

How are your boys doing these days? My dad's death was years ago, but I have to say that the death of a parent is sort of underrated. I still think of him often. But what can you do?

Like you said, either get busy living or get busy dying and you chose the first option. Do you feel like the boys are? What kinds of struggles have they had? Does counselling help them? School or sports?

Keep us posted Nine.

You have no idea the value of your journey to others, and I hope also, for you and your sons. I wish all the best for you and your boys.

Nine, you're a strong brave loving man.

((((( )))))

Hey Nine,

as hurt as you were before your w's death (let alone after)

has time and more information about her diagnosis helped you put her choices in context?

I mean, if I recall correctly, sexual behavior outside the marriage is a hallmark of that type of illness, and when she realized this illness was going to be a lifelong challenge if unmanaged (which I guess she did not feel she could manage)

then she chose to "exit, stage left". Point is, while it's true "she cheated", do you see that it was not personal to you? Although Lord knows it feels like the MOST personal of all things...

I only ask b/c 1) i hope you can see that her ill self cheated, not the woman you married, and 2) I've since met someone with a similar diagnosis, made after a 2 year period of erratic semi dangerous behaviors...she's my friend but I feel for her h. She has been angry at him but now is beginning to own "it ALL" and that's probably not fair...also a moot point right now. She is facing AN UPHILL struggle of undetermined length.

If you had something to tell HER h, what would it be? So far his wife is taking the meds and feeling/acting more normal towards him & the kids,

BUT facing the wreckage of her actions, even while sick, is extremely shame filled and hard for her. Dark thoughts cross her mind.

Just thought I'd ask...and yes, I'll refer either or both to this site but not sure they would come here. They are still reeling..both of them.

Thanks for any advice -- and thanks for just letting us know you are okay.

Hugs to your boys...

((( )))

Nine, I too am very happy to read your update. I am not as eloquent as 25 or any of the previous posters.

Pressing the nonexistent like button.

25, I love that you continue to try to help. Wishing your friends success.

Good to hear from you Nine! Glad things are great for you and your kids.

For those of you new to the board, look up the toilet story!

hey all ,, thanks for the kind words. Sorry to see so many of you still here. 25, i have read up some on the disease but not as much as i should have. I do understand that the things she was doing was not really her and i have made peace with that. The scumbag that she was seeing and that beat her served only a little time in jail, and only on weekends. Not going to get into the injustice of our justice system hear. And he had the gull to actually charge me for telling him what i thought about him,, maybe not as well mannered as i usually am,, but i did lose my temper when i saw him downtown. Trouble is,, i still see him from time to time as i live in a very small town..And it takes all i have not to engage with him,

Nine...That's why you invite me, Country, and Denver to come visit you and we make a trip at midnight to "take care of business"!

Originally Posted By: Brian in Hville

Nine...That's why you invite me, Country, and Denver to come visit you and we make a trip at midnight to "take care of business"!

and I hope there's a woodshed there...

PS

Nine, of course, you know you don't want POS to have ANY power or role in your life. Maybe someday you'll see him as a small but pivotal character in a nightmare you once had...and maybe he'll move away. (Make sure it's HIM that feels the discomfort of his choices, not you.)

As for our justice system, oh Lordy, I really hear you.

Somedays I just want to apologize to the country for my profession and how we've gotten sooo off track. Then again, it's juries made up of "regular people" who give acquittals to OJ and Casey Anthony...b/c imo, they did not want the responsibility they accepted when the got on the jury. OR they were too dense to understand how to use logic and deductive reasoning.
Last summer, to my utter shock, I was picked to be on a jury. I always get the boot but not this time. Here's a question that was asked of us before the trial.

"Imagine you saw a boy standing next to a swimming pool and he was soaking wet. You see that he has floaties on his arms, and there are wet footprints leading from the swimming pool to where the boy is standing a few feet away. Based on these facts, would you reasonably conclude that the boy had been in the pool?"

I kid you not, 2 jurors said "I'd need MORE information".

(Like what, a video tape of him splashing??) Guess I'll end my law speech now.

B/c if I play the blame game, I get all wound up.

I thank you for posting Nine...

I send you and your boys HUGS and tenderness.

God bless!

Nine! Long time no talk. Unfortunately, I am busy as h@ll right now and can't catch up on everything. I will be back! Hope you are well!

9, thanks for the update! Sounds like you're doing fairly well, all things considered. I am so glad to hear it, buddy!