Hi Everyone! The learning and help from the first three threads has been unbelievable, thank you very much! It’s time to start my 4th thread.
1st thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2252456#Post22524562nd thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2270215#Post22702153rd thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2279444___________________________
Me:38
W:43
Together: 15 Married: 11
D:5
S:8
W wanted separation 5/5/12
Stopped living together 5/5/12
Hey Rough,
Good to have you back. Hope all is well mate. Looking forward to your update.
Hey Arsene, it’s been a while. This has been the longest stretch away from this site since the beginning of my sitch. I have an interesting new development. About 3 weeks ago I was out with some of my friends and I ended up meeting OW. She’s recently divorced with two grown kids. We ended up getting physical the first night I met her and I’ve seen her just about every other day since then. She’s told me from the beginning that she doesn’t want anything serious but as time goes by I can tell that “feelings” are starting to come into the picture for both of us. I doubt I would be interested in a long term relationship with her for multiple reasons. I know she’s on a dating site, a bit slutty and average looking at best. I am sure there's other reasons but that's a start. I just need to decide what I want.
I met with my IC the other day and she had a interesting perspective. She said I am at a crossroad right now because I have a choice. In essence, I can get out now before the “feelings” take over and make things more difficult. All of this has been very interesting and I am not really sure what to make of it.
Hmmmm Rough, where are you going? I thought you told your wife you were acting as a married person would act -- have you told her you're going to start dating? Where are you headed my friend, and how do you feel about it?
I don't think there's anything wrong with starting a new relationship, provided that it's fair to all concerned, and that you've brought your prior relationships to closure. As long as you and W have an understanding and this is what you want, then go for it.
Accuray
Re: Now Separated. Am I doing the right things? No.
Sorry Rough but as Accuray pointed out, what ever happened to "I'm behaving like a married man"?
Listen, I'm not here to judge you mate. In the end you do what you think is best however, ask yourself if this is serving your primary goal. What is your primary goal? Becoming a better person? Reconciling with your wife? Saving your family? If it's any of these or all three (as in my case) what you are doing now isn't serving that.
If your wife is on the fence right now and not sure where to go, this is the sort of thing that would probably send her the other way. Now, I'm not saying that you should be afraid of your wife. I'm saying that you spent hours deciding what text to send to reply to an innocent message from your W to make sure you get it right. How long did you spend making this particular decision?
Having said all of this, of course if your primary goal has changed since we last spoke, that is a different question. Then all I would ask you is if you think you are ready to enter another relationship at this point? Have you come to some sort of closure with your W? Have you even told her that you were considering seeing other people?
I'm saying all of this yet I sooo understand what you are going through mate. I've thought about it a lot as well.
It would be nice to be held tight by someone who seems to care and want to be with me. It would be great to have someone to share life with, the small stuff as well as the big stuff. It would be great to feel wanted and needed again, and it will be at one time. With my W or with another woman. Now however, I've got a lot of work to do to make myself happy. To get to the point where I don't NEED another woman to make me feel great. To a point where I can feel great just being who I am.
When you walk with a cane, whether you need it or not, you'll start to limp.
Take care of yourself mate, and think about how far you've come. Is this really where you want to call it a day? Will you be able to tell your kids that you've given it all you had?
am not really sure what to make of it.I call BS!
You're a smart man.
You're taking our temperature.
I just spent the past 2 days reading the 46 page previous thread completely through and i mainly wanted to follow a sitch with an ongoing separation.
I feel like your priorities have fluctuated on occasion and when you were called out on them, you backtracked to say it was just fleeting thoughts.
So, have you had a change of heart towards R?
As stated by others, thats okay if you have, but you seemingly are not that attracted to or interested in this OW based on your description and characterization of her.
Is a fling worth abandoning any hopes you had of R?
No disrespect intended and i truly wish you peace with whatever decision you make.
I need to start a new thread too, but i was catching up on AT's, Arsenes and yours for the past several days when i had time.
Take care and good luck,
Ed
Thanks everyone, I appreciate your input. A couple other things. I just lost my job a couple weeks ago and I immediately started driving a cab. It’s a short term job until I find something better. I also just received a email frow W which I am posting. I also don’t know if I will be able to give her the money I owe her on the 15th and I don’t have a 401K or family to help. It also looks like she just left her job.
I hope you have had a nice weekend with the kids! I have decided to leave my job and go back to working full time. So far I have applied for 2 jobs this am. I am going to apply for 5 today! That said, I need you to give me the money we agreed upon on the 15th or I wont be able to cover our daughters daycare expenses for this month. I am assuming you requested to cash out whatever you had in your 401k and you should receive your unemployment by then, or you could ask your family. I do not want to ask my parents - we always turn to them and they will be pissed. IF I get a new job, we can talk about you giving me much less for awhile until you are employed again. That is very fair and nice of me. I dont want you to be miserable Rough. I will look hard for a new job!
Speaking of jobs, my brother and I were talking about you and the fact that you are good at sales. My two cents, you should leave recruiting and look for a sales job. A route sales job like my brother that has a company car or a good car allowance. He sells beer and wine... there are a million things you could sell Rough! And I think youd like the freedom of being out in the field all day.
Thanksgiving --- You have the kids Thanksgiving weekend and if you'd like them Thursday- Sunday so that you are with them on Thanksgiving, I am fine with that! Just let me know. As you know, we are going to PA for Christmas, I think it is fair for you to have them on Thanksgiving. I'll send you a separate email about Christmas. Please let me know about Thanksgiving.
Sorry to hear about your job mate. That puts a dent in your plan to sort out your finance. At a point, you had found a second job where they wanted you to commit to full time work. Is that job still available? You might want to check it out. These guys liked you enough back then to offer you full time, they might be interested in having you again now.
About your job. I remember you saying you got on well with your boss and he supported you in your efforts. What is the reason you lost your job? if you don't mind telling. I know most of us down here can't really focus on work and our sitch does affect what we do. Do you think it has anything to do with that?
RE: Your wife's letter. She is being very business-like but still showing concern for your welfare. She is also being considerate re: your time with the kids. I don't see anything wrong with it mate. Remember, this is a marathon. She said she needed time and space. You are giving it to her and she is taking it. Hopefully she is using it well, but that is neither here nor there for us LBSs because we have to focus on how we use our own time. Speaking of which, what is going on with OW? How are you dealing with it?
BTW Rough. I don't mean to diminish the impact of you losing your job. I know it must be tough, especially these days. I'm with you mate and I know you'll be fine. Heck, you lost your job 2 weeks ago and you're already doing something else. Keep your head up mate!
Thanks everyone, I appreciate your input. A couple other things. I just lost my job a couple weeks ago and I immediately started driving a cab. It’s a short term job until I find something better. I also just received a email frow W which I am posting. I also don’t know if I will be able to give her the money I owe her on the 15th and I don’t have a 401K or family to help. It also looks like she just left her job.
WHAT ARE YOUR QUESTIONS FOR US? I MEAN, the OW is a no brainer for us here. You're in no position emotionally, financially, parentally OR MARITALLY to be dating.
But you are "lonely" and yet trying to appear strong and confident. The fact that you seem so needy that you'd date an OW you're not even that crazy about, WHILE saying you want your family restored, is just not consistent. I forgot your age and mean no offense, but are you in your early 20s? I'm not being snotty but I can't see it below.
Get your money in order. You know to provide for your family and you have to know it's an attractive trait and not just for 'Shallow selfish" women but for women who are mothers. We want to know our children will be sheltered and fed...can't do that with a guy who is chronically under employed (Not saying YOU are, but in general, when men are, they tend to get left...)
Without knowing what your questions are here, I'd have to say you need to do what you need to do to make your court ordered payments OR to keep your word to your w. If you have to sell something, so be it. But one thing is clear to me.
If you are dating ANY OW and spending ANY money on her, when you cannot make a child support payment you agreed to, it's just wrong.
I hope you have had a nice weekend with the kids! I have decided to leave my job and go back to working full time. So far I have applied for 2 jobs this am. I am going to apply for 5 today! That said, I need you to give me the money we agreed upon on the 15th or I wont be able to cover our daughters daycare expenses for this month. I am assuming you requested to cash out whatever you had in your 401k and you should receive your unemployment by then, or you could ask your family.
[color:#CC0000]
If any of this^^ is not accurate, calmly inform her of that. And if she is forced to ask her parents, inform her/them YOU will repay them asap. (If it were me, I'd sell something before I'd ask my inlaws to pay MY child support obligation).
Tell her you're driving a cab and whatever else you are doing. My brother drove a cab while he went to nursing school. It happens. I had a law school classmate who drove cabs and I waited tables in law school. It sure motivated me to stay in school.
I do not want to ask my parents - we always turn to them and they will be pissed. IF I get a new job, we can talk about you giving me much less for awhile until you are employed again. That is very fair and nice of me. I dont want you to be miserable Rough. I will look hard for a new job!
Acknowledge this^^^ & be grateful. She could be a lot meaner here. (Although I'm a little curious. Did she quit BEFORE finding new work?)
Speaking of jobs, my brother and I were talking about you and the fact that you are good at sales. My two cents, you should leave recruiting and look for a sales job. A route sales job like my brother that has a company car or a good car allowance. He sells beer and wine... there are a million things you could sell Rough! And I think youd like the freedom of being out in the field all day.
She's flattering you, and she may mean all of it, even if it's self serving. If there's any truth to this^^, agree and validate. Also mention your other goals in your job search, IF you have some.
Thanksgiving --- You have the kids Thanksgiving weekend and if you'd like them Thursday- Sunday so that you are with them on Thanksgiving, I am fine with that! Just let me know. As you know, we are going to PA for Christmas, I think it is fair for you to have them on Thanksgiving. I'll send you a separate email about Christmas. Please let me know about Thanksgiving.[/color]
I don't know what your agreements were about this^ So I can't really comment except if you take all those days, how will you also work?
And are you going to make plans for Christmas so you aren't miserable? Make plans NOW so you are not alone.
Let her and the kids experience Christmas morning without you (b/c you have no choice anyhow) and trust me, IT will NOT be as good as it was with you.
The kids will tell her, YOU don't have to. She'll know...
Otherwise I'm not sure what you are asking so I'll leave it at this.
Good luck Rough, keep posting and keep on keeping on.
I recall a BAD Xmas for us in '05...but when h stopped by and then left to go away again, I took the kids for a weekend of barely affordable skiing. We had a cabin with a huge flatscreen, and we skiied and went sledding and had a ball. Outdoor hot tub, etc.
Proved we could have fun with or without h. And I relaxed! Man that was a good idea. If it were warmer we could have gone camping-cheap too, but the point is, plan something for when you see the kids over that break and have FUN with them. Build memories with them...your w will feel left out.
And that's okay. Do NOT invite her. This is for you and your r's with the kids.
Make sense?
Thanks 25. I thought W quit her job from my interpretation of her email. I spoke with her the other day and I had it wrong, she hasn’t quit her job yet. She's been working part time for years and she's recently decided to look for full time work.
In terms of my age, haaaaa. Sh!t, I wish I was in my 20's. And the Christmas thing, she's taking the kids cross country to visit her parents and I don’t plan on raising an issue about it. It will be very hard regardless of the plans I make.
I was with OW the other day and we were driving her fancy convertible sports car around town. I was the driver and she was the passenger. I was driving around a sharp corner and ended up spinning out. Her car was pretty much totaled but luckily nobody got hurt. She's really pissed at me, understandably so. I can confidently say OW is no longer in the picture, (by her choice). Oh well, I will be just fine.
Things have continued to be very difficult but I am thankful I am doing a great job detaching. I’ve come to terms with what's happened with W. I still love her a lot but the rollercoaster isn’t as big as it used to be. The highs and lows have leveled out. My W and our sitch used to be on my mind all the time. It's now just a brief thought from time to time. Love to my DB family!
glad you are ok too Rough
Yeah, the car was totaled. We were so lucky to escape with no injuries. It could have easily been a deadly accident. Anyway, just plugging away with my life. I am getting accustom to living by myself.
I was with my son earlier today and I told him that I wasn’t going to be with him on Thanksgiving and he broke down crying. I needed to listen to him and validate his feelings but man, was that tough.
Anyway, I am finding myself again, the old Rough. It’s pretty cool because I felt like I lost myself for such a long time. I don’t know what the future holds but I will be just fine. I will be forever thankful to all of you and I hope my DB family is doing well
Wait,
I thought you were getting the kids on Thanksgiving? Did I miss something?
Rough, are you giving us the brush-off?
Remember we've all been dumped before, we know the brush-off when we read it.
This is REALLY hard for me everyone!!!! Here’s a message I just received from W. I know Denver had a good letter, it said something like “ I will not get in the way with your happiness.” It said a lot more then that but please forward it, if you have it. I am REALLY sad, thanks everyone.
Hi Rough, so its time… I m going to file for divorce! I printed all the paperwork out today and I am going to fill it out and file it..Please sign the papers when they come! We can tell our kids when you’re ready, but soon. I’d like 25% of your pay! If you’re doing bad, I suffer….If you’re doing well, you make up to me for all these years of hard stuff!!!! It’s time to move on, I am letting you know it’s coming! I don’t feel the need for us to have another tearful exchange, its time and it’s time for us to start healing! I’ll be more than fair. Same parenting agreement every other weekend, every Tuesday night on my weekends, holidays to be negotiated freely.
You go find a women that will adore you! Please choose well for the sake of our children! I will always care for you and have love in my heart for you.
Chances are she's seeing someone with her last comment but I dont feel that changes much. I am holding off on a response till I hear from you smart folks.
Ride the wave of the emotion. Wait til tomorrow to reply. Take care of RE before anything else. When you're down, what do you like to do?
I'm sorry to hear this Rough. You need to take as much time as you need before responding.
My response that I wrote to my W when she asked me is somewhere around here. It's in my threads around December 23rd, 24th, or so of 2010.
The jist of it is... "Go do what you need to do to find your missing happiness, but I will not help you destroy our marriage and our family".
Hang in there.
Went and found it for you... Dec 23, 2010:
"I've told you before that I still love u and still think that we an have a great life together as both a couple and a family. I have not changed my mind on that. But I understand that you are not happy, that u don't feel happy or complete inside. U need to do what will make u happy. By my side, we can be partners and will share everything and we would do anything to help one another. But that's only if we continue as a team. but I won't stand in your way, but also won't help u leave this marriage or our family. I hope that u do find happiness u r looking for. go do what u need to do. You know where I will be."
I agree with not responding for a day or two. Give yourself time to let the emotions settle down.
Rough, I'm so sorry. (((R)))
Do you have some place to be around friends this weekend?
Thinking about you.
Rough, I know how you feel, and it is terrible. I am so sorry. I wish you all the best. Remember, it isn't over yet. D takes months. I know, as I am in my 3rd month. It has been 45 days since I had to answer D papers. Don't give up because you receive papers.
(((((((rough))))))) thinking of you. Take care of YOU. Give yourself as much time as you need.
Thanks a ton everyone! Denver, I appreciate you providing the verbiage. This really hit me hard. While I knew it might be coming, I am still stunned, shocked, hurt, sad, you name it. I feel like the months I've spend on this forum has taught me a lot and really helped me get through this. All of you are very caring and it means a lot to me. I will be responding to W in just a bit. It's interesting that I havent even cried about this. Maybe its because I am still shocked and everything hasnt settled in, it's really hard for me to process this.
Give yourself time rough. The emotions will come when you are ready. (((((( )))))))
Hey Rough,
I can tell you from personal experience that it is never over til it's over. We separated after he stopped the divorce (3/12)but it just shows things can change. I'm in no place to give advice (I'm new here) but take care of yourself and I hope what ever you want to happen does. In my case I'm still hoping for an R but am giving him space and still doing 180s. I am seeing small positive signs. I think from your timeline I've been going through this longer but it seems like it takes some a long time to figure things out.
Although I find it very, very difficult, I find that less is more when responding to things.
Good luck to you!
So sorry Rough. I can't remember if it's Cadet or Jack that says this, but one of them is fond of pointing out that divorce is just a piece of paper. It doesn't really change the sitch much since you've already been separated quite a while. Hope is still there for as long as you care to hold onto it. Best wishes!
So sorry Rough. I can't remember if it's Cadet or Jack that says this, but one of them is fond of pointing out that divorce is just a piece of paper. It doesn't really change the sitch much since you've already been separated quite a while. Hope is still there for as long as you care to hold onto it. Best wishes!
THAT ^^^ is absolutely right.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! My kids are with W today so I am spending the day with my mom. It's a really hard day.
I have a question that’s come up on this forum quite a bit. I am expecting to receive the divorce papers any day now. I don’t have much money so I doubt I will be getting a lawyer. She's printing the papers on her own so I don't think she's received much council. We don’t have many assets and everything she’s initially outlined seems fair. Do most papers usually have a “respond by date?”
Is it a good idea for me to stall as long as possible?
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! My kids are with W today so I am spending the day with my mom. It's a really hard day.
I have a question that’s come up on this forum quite a bit. I am expecting to receive the divorce papers any day now. I don’t have much money so I doubt I will be getting a lawyer. She's printing the papers on her own so I don't think she's received much council. We don’t have many assets and everything she’s initially outlined seems fair. Do most papers usually have a “respond by date?”
Is it a good idea for me to stall as long as possible?
I am with you Rough. My kids are with W today at her co-worker's (female - not A) house. She told me that they are family now. In GA, you have 31 days to respond after being served. I don't know about other states. I took the whole 31 days, and she hasn't responded legally since then. Who knows why, as she isn't even speaking to me. I pray that your sitch turns out differently. Hang in there. You can get through this.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! My kids are with W today so I am spending the day with my mom. It's a really hard day.
I have a question that’s come up on this forum quite a bit. I am expecting to receive the divorce papers any day now. I don’t have much money so I doubt I will be getting a lawyer. She's printing the papers on her own so I don't think she's received much council. We don’t have many assets and everything she’s initially outlined seems fair. Do most papers usually have a “respond by date?”
I would expect that there is a deadline to respond. However, if they are not 'served' on you by a process server, it is very unlikely that it is valid service. If she just hands them to you, leaves them for you, or mails them to you, you can hold onto them for as long as you like.
Is it a good idea for me to stall as long as possible?
It depends Rough. Stalling helped for me. It p!ssed W off at the time, but it delayed the D or legal S long enough for me to get her to begin to reconsider.
My advice is always to stall as long as you can. You cooperate, but you don't help. That's my opinion on it. Others differ.
Happy Thanksgiving. I know how hard this day can be under these circumstances. You are not alone. I wish that there were more that I could say to make you feel better.
Denver
Thanks Denver! Very helpful. I appreciate your kind words and everyone else that's posted on my thread.
Thought I would stop by and say hi to everyone! I am living my life and trying to do the best I can. I still havent been served my divorce papers yet but I am just rolling with things. I hope all of you are doing ok. Take care all!
Hi All,
I hope all you good people are doing well. I will ALWAYS be thankful for the great help I received from this site. I cant say it's been a cake walk but I am hanging in there. We are 10 months into our seperation and I have a copy of the divorce papers that my W gave me a couple months ago. I will probably sign them shortly. Anyone know the status of the freshman class? I am curious about their status.
Hey rough, glad you are OK.
I think most of those freshman class folks sort of filtered away.
I hope things go as smoothly as possible.
I don't know who's in the freshman class, but I'm glad you're checking in. Sorry about the D papers.
Hey Rough! Good to see you back. I recently popped back onto the boards myself after a semi-lengthy hiatus. Needed to get my head on straight ya know?
I'm glad to hear you're hanging in there, and I'm sorry to hear about the papers. I'm expecting my own set of papers any day now, and although I'd like to think that I'm ready and will be okay, only time will tell.
No matter what happens here, our time on these boards has certainly been extremely well-spent. As there has been almost no progress in my "sitch" lately, I haven't posted often, but I definitely read up on threads now and again, and plan to start the "pay-it-forward" process very soon.
Just remember, we've always got more to learn, more ways to grow, and nothing can stop us from finding the happiness we deserve but ourselves!
Haven't heard much from the rest of the freshman class lately, but I think about all of you often. Stay tuned, I'm sure the others will pop up soon, and I'll be back more often as soon as time allows!
Hey guys! I've also been wondering about the Freshmen! Looks like most of us have now graduated to the rest of our lives. Sorry to hear about the papers Rough! AT, your post here is nearly 2 years old so who knows what's up with you now. I hope it's all good! I'm just getting updates on you guys, hoping you're all fine. As for me, well, I haven't been around for a long time, GALing like crazy to the point where I have a great life in every other respect. My W is still on her own journey (could be MLC if we must put a label on it) and at this point, I'm not sure where it's going but I'm trying not to focus on that too much. I started a new thread a month ago as an update. Have a look if you want:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...416#Post2498416My thoughts are with you all. Wishing you a good life!