My story confuses me at times.
H have been living with his folks since 4 months after we were married. We were living in his grandparents place rent free and his folks were consolidating the 2 homes that they own. Since we couldn't afford our own place, we moved in with his folks. We have our own space in the basement but whenever his folks need him, they either call or yell down the steps. This put a straign on the marriage from the beginning.
H and I have joked about D for a few years. I've always told him that I wasn't going anywhere and that he was stuck with me. We always laughed it off.
H went from talking to me when things upset him to holding it all in. I would give him some time to himself and then I would ask if everything was ok. After being told "Don't worry about it" so many time, I gave up asking. We're still intimate.
Past year/year & half he bounced between M & D a lot more often. Jan, I loose my job but pick up another one w/in the same week. H upset that it's less $. Jan/Feb made the mistake of mentioning his depression and he got upset. We're still intimate.
H started helping female friend cope w/her marital problems. Her H is causing problems. Her H wanted to talk to me but she changed his mind.
Beginning of May he posted on my FB that he loved me more ea day. We're still intimate. H changes jobs. By the end of the month he was done. He wrote me a "Dear John" letter and sent me a text to let me know it was waiting for me at home. ILYBNILWY
Beginnning of June, female friend's D is final. I find out she's OW (EA). H contantly texting me at work asking about D, lawyers, $, etc. I visit Dr. get meds and set 1st IC appt for July on bday. Intimate again. Found concert tickets and got excited because I thought it was for my birthday. Found computer history if H looking up tattoo of OW's name.
Emotional appt. & came home to H negative because I questioned the tattoo appt he was going to schedule. Intimate even though we were upset. Couldn't sleep and H's phone kept buzzing w/texts. Glanced at phone and saw intimate msgs from OW professing her love and claim to H. It pissed me off and I didn't say anything when he 1st woke up. I let him read her texts before I professed my love and devotion even though our relationship was rocky. I asked about the tickets and found out they were for a buddy of his and he hoped I didnt' see them. I reminded him that he used the joint account and since I do the bills it couldn't be missed. I think he apologized but I can't remember. H mentioned OW is crazy.
H started working a job on the side to earn more $ and begins spending his nights with the guys that he's working with. He pretty much moved out of the house.
Sometime at the end of August or start of September H dropped HUGE BOMB. He wants kids but not with me. He doesn't want to be in his 40s and just having kids. He's 4 years younger than I am which set me off even more. He told me he wanted kids the year prior but said he lied. This time he told me that it was a mistake when he told me before because he didn't think I'd be excited about the prospect of having kids. I married him with the understanding that he didn't want kids. I gave up my dream of motherhood for my desire to marry the man I love. He continued to say that he was upset when my older sister (44) had her 1st baby because it showed that I could still have one.
H agreed to go to next therapy session. I was an emotional reck because it was only a few days after bomb. He admitted to being selfish in his decision becasue he was being a grown-up and making his own choice to end the marriage. He doesn't believe he needed to discuss it with me. He also said that he was tired of doing everything to make everyone else happy. He needed to focus on his own happiness. H never attended another session. H mentions that OWs husband is causing issues. I mentioned that last time he said OW was crazy. He covers saying that he was trying to protect me and OW from OWs Ex.
Come to present day:
- H admitted to helping OW break up her marriage.
- We're still intimate.
- I'm taking positive approach to life / H.
- H's talking to me more (life not D/relationship)
- H's still talking, texting, visiting OW
- OW has drama again and H came to her rescue.
- H still wants D; not kids w/me
I found this website and decided I need some non-biased support. I've also borrowed DR from the library. I finished the first read in 2 days.
H agreed to anniversary dinner. I asked for it since it may be our last. We're going to go to the same restaurant as the day he proposed (at home). Today he mentioned that going there would tarnish the place considering what was coming. I told him that it wouldn't tarnish the place if we go with the intention of enjoying each others company. "No strings, No battles"
We'll see what happens. In my heart of hearts, I know that he's in the midst of a MLC along with the EA of the OW.
I'm NOT ready to give up!
Come to present day:
- H admitted to helping OW break up her marriage.
- We're still intimate.
- I'm taking positive approach to life / H.
- H's talking to me more (life not D/relationship)
- H's still talking, texting, visiting OW
- OW has drama again and H came to her rescue.
- H still wants D; not kids w/me
If H helped break up OW's marriage then he is a real POS in my opinion. I have zero sympathy for homewreckers.
You're still intimate- this is what is referred to around here as "cake eating" because he's having his cake (OW) and eating it too (you). That's clearly not helping your situation so you need to ask yourself if you want to continue that. If it's hurting you emotionally then you might consider discontinuing that.
If you've read DR then you know what to do- don't talk about the relationship at all unless he brings it up, don't put any pressure on him to make a decision, don't give him ultimatums, etc. Detach and give him room to think things through. If he says he wants to leave then tell him you support his decision if that's what he thinks will make him happy. It probably won't, but it'll take him a while to figure out that all his unhappiness is coming from within, not from you.
H agreed to anniversary dinner. I asked for it since it may be our last.
Don't assume that. None of us can read the future. Whenever I think about how I'll never get to do this or that with W again, I stop and remind myself that the future is unknown. Many people have reconciled against impossible odds and have better marriages now than before, so anything is possible as long as you hold hope in your heart. Keeping this in mind helps you maintain a PMA (positive mental attitude) rather than being depressed about things. IE, if you go into this expecting that there may be many more such dinners, then you'll more likely happily enjoy this one than if you go in thinking it's your last. PMA is EXTREMELY important to drawing your H back.
I know that he's in the midst of a MLC along with the EA of the OW.
He could be, sometimes it's hard to tell a WAS from MLC. It's best not to try and diagnose your spouse's problems, but rather, follow DB'ing and work on yourself.
Good luck!
Thank you for the feedback, AnotherStander!
If H helped break up OW's marriage then he is a real POS in my opinion. I have zero sympathy for homewreckers.
I've never asked H about what really led up to OWs divorce. All I know is that they talked while she was having issues with her ex. He told me some of what was going on and I didn't question their friendship. I just didn't expect it to be more than friendship.
You're still intimate- this is what is referred to around here as "cake eating" because he's having his cake (OW) and eating it too (you). That's clearly not helping your situation so you need to ask yourself if you want to continue that. If it's hurting you emotionally then you might consider discontinuing that.
During the first couple of weeks of the initial blow, I wasn't going to be intimate with him anymore. But, then I came to the conclusion that I needed the intimacy and closeness even if it didn't mean the same thing to him. I know that it's risky but I'm taking full advantage of his desire to be with me because we still have a fantastic connection in the bedroom.
H agreed to anniversary dinner. I asked for it since it may be our last.
Don't assume that. None of us can read the future.
Since H has been working nights and spending the night with his buddies, I wasn't sure how he would respond to my request to the anniversary dinner. So, I phrased it that way to him. I know I probably shouldn't have done it that way but he agreed. Later, he questioned how the night would turn out. I was honest and told him that all I wanted for us to enjoy the evening together. No strings, no battles.
Yesterday, while H and I were texting (he initiated), he mentioned meeting up with me at work for lunch (which he's never done). I told him to let me know because I was going to bring something just in case he couldn't make it. When he sent me a text today, I asked if he was still going to meet up and he said yes, if I wanted to because he wasn't hungry. Long story short, he picked me up and we had an enjoyable lunch together.
I was positive, acted "as if" we weren't having problems, and let him lead the conversation.
H also mentioned that when the other project is done (the one that's nights/weekends) he make bring his buddy's cat back home but he's not sure how it would work out since his mom is allergic to siamese cats. But then he threw in the "unless I have my own place by then." So there's a good chance that he's going to be back home. I've just got to stay positive but not over do it.
What really surprised me is that after he left, he actually stepped out of his comfort zone and sent me a racy text I was shocked and turned on all at the same time (I've sent them before and he never played along)
. We didn't get the chance to play to much (bad timing) before he nixed playtime. I did tell him I enjoyed the exchange and that I appreciated how he stepped out of his comfort zone to send me the racy text.
Am I wrong to look at this as a positive or is it a game? I want to believe that it's a positive step forward.
H decided to send me racy texts again while I was at work. I played along for a bit. When I had to stop due to a work conversation, he called me a prude. I had to laugh because this is coming from a man that only sent me his first racy text yesterday.
Today was a good day and I'm still facing life with a smile and PMA.
I hope someone may be able to give me some insight on a new name that my H has been calling me.
H and I used to include pet names in our texts. Obviously, that's stopped and we usually address each other by our names or he'll sometimes call me "T" which is normal.
For the past month or so, sporadically, he'll call me "kiddo". For example: Later kiddo
Any insight will help. I mentioned it during my IC and my C didn't know what to make of it. I'm just happy that she's supporting me through everything including my desire to keep trying to save my M.
Thanks.
AnotherStander gave you some good advice!
And, congratulations that your H is responding in your love langugage. Try to remember that in sex, your brain is releasing the same neurochemicals active in drug and alchohol highs. It is powerful stuff! (Only much better for your body.)
Enjoy the good feelings, but keep your head about you. Let these good moments fuel your GAL activities and let them be moments for him to desire more. Transfer all that postive energy you get from the experience to your work, your self-care, and your PMA.
If you find you can't handle the on and off of intimacy, then cut it off. Don't keep hurting yourself. Maintain your boundaries- if you are working, you cannot "play" though you may want to.
Do you want the cat? You are right to focus on your life, your resposibilities, and what you need.
Most likely he is trying to figure out what he wants and is reconnecting to experience the good chemistry and relating you two have. Keep it postive, but also keep yourself emotionally safe. This is very tough to do. Our tendency is to focus so much on getting back together that not only do we smother our S with attention and demands, we bury our own hurt and leave ourselves open for more. You have experienced a lot of hurt in this process. Go slow in the relationship and trust rebuilding, continue not to pressure and be watchful.
Again, stay focused on your PMA and GAL'ing. It seems to be working!
Good luck!
Me- 46,D14,D18 (college)
Sounds like he's engaging in distance/ pursuit behavior. Sometimes he'll pursue, but if you take the bait then he'll go back to distancing. Try not to be too extreme in your reactions to his behavior.
As for the new pet name, I wouldn't read anything into it. Doesn't sound like it means anything.
Do you want the cat? You are right to focus on your life, your resposibilities, and what you need.
Most likely he is trying to figure out what he wants and is reconnecting to experience the good chemistry and relating you two have. Keep it postive, but also keep yourself emotionally safe. This is very tough to do. Our tendency is to focus so much on getting back together that not only do we smother our S with attention and demands, we bury our own hurt and leave ourselves open for more. You have experienced a lot of hurt in this process. Go slow in the relationship and trust rebuilding, continue not to pressure and be watchful.
Thanks DBintheBurg for the advice and support. As far as the cat goes, I would like to bring the cat over as long as it gets along with our 13yr old cat and MIL doesn't get sick do to her allergy to Siamese.
Thanks AnotherStander.
What can I do to combat his distance/pursuit behavior?
I enjoy the intimacy and don't want to give it up. I've been keeping my PMA around him and trying not to give in to the temptation to call him names or fight back when he's being mean.
H is home from now until Monday for medical reasons. Last night, I was open and positive around him and we talked lightly about various things (not about R or M). Even when he was texting I just made a light comment about his being popular. I didn't dwell or make a big deal about his texting because it's a sore subject and he's not ready to give it up.
H was also taking shots and asked me if I wanted one. I agreed twice but stopped and told him I was ok. He said that if I was "ok, then we wouldn't be having problems." When I asked what that meant he just said that I can take it however I wanted. I'm proud of myself becuase I didn't press any further because I know it would have tested my PMA.
Oh yea, in his drunked stupor (he was actually a happy, bubbly drunk instead of his usual po'd drunk), he said that he had a couple of questions for me but didn't want to ask me in the state he was in.
H also told me that he doesn't like me and that the spark is gone. I kept my PMA and didn't respond to him because it was at the same time as above. Not sure how to respond. It doesn't feel right to say "It's okay that you feel that way."
Please advise.
I don't think it needs a response. I would just give him a wide berth right now. Hang in there. You sound strong.
I don't think it needs a response. I would just give him a wide berth right now. Hang in there. You sound strong.
Thank you. I'm trying to be as strong as I can.
Sometimes it feels like he wants me to make the final decision and agree to the D so that it's out of his hands and his conscience is clear.
Last night was a good night. We talked and H was in charge of the conversation. He admitted how he really broke his hand a month ago.
What concerns me is that he and OW are came up with a cover story for how he broke his hand. I told H that one of the things that I admire about him is his loyalty to the people that he cares about. It's a great quality that he stands up for and defends people he cares for. Unfortunatly, his care for OW and her child caused him to behave in a fashion that caused his broken hand. I wish he could see how his loyatly to OW is unhealthy and that she's continuously relying on him to come be her so-called hero. I didnt' say anything about it so as not to cause a fight.
We also talked about my mom and it brought me to tears. She has a few things wrong with her (non-life threatening if treated properly) and she's lost A LOT of weight. So, H and I talked about her and as we spoke, I could see the H that I know and love. He really stepped up and was considerate of my feelings and concern for my mom. He really tried to make me feel better about the situation.
H admitted that he's been taking time to really think about what's been going on. H wants to go to C with me again so that we can figure out how to talk to one another. This time, I won't be as emotional because there isn't anything else that I can be shocked over. He keeps telling me that it's not a PA and I believe him. It feels great to communicate with him...especially calmly without being intentionally hurtful.
Fingers crossed.
H talked about the possiblity of being bankrupt today. I told him it won't happen and asked why he was saying it. H told me that D is expensive and he's already selling alot of his stuff to make ends meet (medical and other bills). I did well in not commenting against the D comment and just let it pass w/o saying anything.
It's hard but I'm trying to be good.
Had a good weekend!
H and I went to dinner on Sat. (didn't realize it was Sweetest Day until that morning). Dinner was nice. Good food and good company.
We didn't talk about R or M. It was nice to have my H back in the house and us interacting as if there's nothing wrong.
On Sunday, I overhear H and MIL talking (didn't make out the whole conversation only bits and pieces becasue I was in the other room and not paying attention). She must have said something that he didn't like because all I heard her say was that she had a lot more that she could say but that it would [tick] him off. He actually went out into the garage to decompress from what their conversation.
Today's our 7 yr anniversary. I did something that I haven't done in a LONG time. I got up and made us breakfast before the start of the day. When he was home consistently, he wouldn't eat breakfast and so it didn't become as common place.
He accepted the breakfast and thanked me for it. What a great way to start the week!
H received text from OW (phone front was facing me). I told him that I had seen the name and didn't read it but to please answer her. He told me what she said (nothing romantic) and why. I told him that I didn't want to pry and asked him if OW has nothing but drama. He told me "no" and that the drama is all that's worth mentioning. I said "ok" because it seems like he's constantly coming to her rescue. He just said "no, not really", I said ok and left it at that. It was a good exchange and nothing hostile.
When I left for work today, we hugged and I thanked him for the good weekend. He said your welcome and that he hoped it wasn't too horrible and that he kept his mouth shut.
I told him that it wasn't horrible and that I appreciated that we had a good visit.
I'm trying not to get my hopes up but it feels like we're making progress.
Still feeling good today.
H sent texts talking about his car and things that he wants done to it (future plans). I'm enjoying the simple conversation especially since it's not negative and it feels like old times.
How come whenever things seem to go well...H has to throw in a snide comment.
We were texting about a motorcycle that we wants to upgrade to. The conversation was going well until he said "Lets hurry up and seperate so that I can get my new bike." and he showed me a pic.
I ignored the comment and he said "I mean come on!!!!" I responded that it was pretty and I didn't appreciate the comment. I then got an "is what it is"...then he went on about being bored, how much he wants the other bike, and that he's trying to make his dream a reality.
Then the comment that actually made me feel better (a little bit). He admitted that the comment wasn't called for and said he was sorry.
I took the high road and thanked him for his apology, told him it meant a lot to me and that I appreciated it.
H is nerve racking but he seems to be more communicative with me and actually apologizes when I call him on something.
Good things....right?
How come whenever things seem to go well...H has to throw in a snide comment.
Because he's afraid you might get the "wrong" impression. If he feels some closeness building, he'll push back now and then.
"Lets hurry up and seperate so that I can get my new bike." and he showed me a pic.
What an idiotic thing to say/ do!
I responded that it was pretty and I didn't appreciate the comment.
Good response! You kept your cool and didn't escalate it, but let him know you were hurt.
I took the high road and thanked him for his apology, told him it meant a lot to me and that I appreciated it.
Great response! Most people would respond "it's nothing" or "don't worry about it", but your response is much better because you thanked him and and accepted the apology without minimizing the hurt he caused.
AS,
Thanks for the feedback. Sometimes I get worried that I'm saying the wrong things. We weren't big on talking about how much we appreciate each other so this is out of the norm to say the least
H does come up with ridiculous comments every so often and it's hard to let it go. But, I'm trying.
I think he's actually noticing the difference. I did a bit of a 180 and told him that I appreciated something about him and gave a reason. The comment fit with the texts that were going back and forth and it wasn't about R or M. He said that I worried him and he asked what was going on. I told him that nothing was going on and that I had been thinking about what I'm thankful for. He said that he didn't understand me anymore. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing. I want to say it's good because he seems to be seeing me in a different way.
I'm not sure though.
I think he's actually noticing the difference. I did a bit of a 180 and told him that I appreciated something about him and gave a reason.
Have you read the 5 Love Languages? What you did is "words of affirmation". You might read that book if you haven't already, it'll help you determine how to do more of this.
He said that I worried him and he asked what was going on. I told him that nothing was going on and that I had been thinking about what I'm thankful for.
Don't tell him "nothing", tell him that this whole experience has awakened you and that you're transforming yourself into a better person. To quote one of the DB 180 tips:
"You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse."
So you want him to know that you ARE changing, but that it's not for his benefit, it's for yours.
He said that he didn't understand me anymore.
DB'ing is all about getting a life and being a bit mysterious. This may be why he's saying he doesn't "understand" you anymore, you're not predictable. If so then you're doing good DB'ing
Thanks AS.
I'll have to get the book and read it. We thanked each other for doing things but we never really talked about how we appreciated each other. I look forward to doing some additional reading.
He said that I worried him and he asked what was going on. I told him that nothing was going on and that I had been thinking about what I'm thankful for.
Don't tell him "nothing", tell him that this whole experience has awakened you and that you're transforming yourself into a better person. To quote one of the DB 180 tips:
"You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse."
So you want him to know that you ARE changing, but that it's not for his benefit, it's for yours.
H was worried because he thought that my comment about appreciating him meant that I was considering suicide. So I told him "nothing was going on" because I wasn't suicidal.
H actually sent me a text with a screenshot of a song that he was listening to. He told me to find the song and listen to it. He used to suggest songs to me all the time but he hadn't for a long time. Plus, the songs are usually along the lines of metal, hard rock and other stuff with good bass lines, drum beats and guitar riffs.
The song is slow paced and romantic. It's called "World in Flames" by In This Moment. It caught me off guard because the lyrics talk about someone calling out to their love asking to be found and saved, that they're alone and want "you" to come home.
What's throwing me off is that I don't know if he's just sharing a really beautiful song, messing with me or sending me a message. I'm trying not to read into it but the song is so full of meaning.
The only response that I have him was that it was a beautiful song.
Wow...today started off on a weird note.
H sent me a text around 6:30 this morning talking about a few things.
I'm a bit po'd right now cuz I lost the textint thread and I'm trying to remember everything from memory.
Let's see.....
H told me that he's sorry if he gave me the impression that he didn't care about me and that it was 200% wrong.
He still cares about me and even if we didn't live with his parents, he would still come over and visit with me and help if I ever needed it.
I'm his first wife
(and someother nice comment that I wish I could remember. I was good and didn't say anything about the 1st wife comment)
He told me not to cry because this was a tired clarity moment. I told him that I wasn't crying and that I appreciated him telling me the above (with the exception of the 1st wife part) and that I was working on making myself better for me.
I also told him that I know how difficult it is for him to talk to me about us.
H said that he's been keeping his mouth shut so that he doesn't hurt me/others. He'd rather be an ass and hope it work out.
So, on one hand I'm happy that he's talking with me more about his feelings but at the same time I want to kick his ass.
...not that I ever would or try.
I also got some additional insight into his issues with me.
H was trying to "play" with me on the phone via text (his communication style of choice) about being naked and "home" alone.
He also joked about meeting up with him and desecrating the backseat of his car. I told him that it'd be easier to pick me up.
He got excited and said "That's what I'm talking about!" and something about needing risk if it's worth keeping.
Ultimately he asked if he stopped over and said lets go would I go with him. I shocked him and said yes. When he put it in real time (hr from that moment) and getting busy in the parking lot at work or at my desk, I told him no. I explained that that was something I didn't want to share with my co-workers. Also, I didn't want to loose my job by getting busy in the parking lot (cameras). H reminded me of his career choice and said that he knew where the blind spots were and then called me a prude. I told him I wasn't going to defend my position and he said that I didn't have a defense.
Luckily, I remainded calm the entire time.
I did reminid him that I had talked about meeting up with him at his place (a warehouse) and he told me no and mentioned cameras as well. (Same general concept) H mentioned it wasn't the same because my place was closer and safer that where he works.
I think I was called a prude a total of 5 times during our texting session. He mentioned that he "always wanted excitement but couldn't pull my head out of my ass."
So, on one hand I've learned more about my H and what he's wanted out of our sex life. But he still has issues with expressing it in a non-obnoxious fashion.
I'm sure there's something else that I want to mention but my mind's a blank.
H came home this morning all playful and frisky. He told me that all his talk about us getting busy in the parking lot still had him riled up.
He also sent me another song to listen to via text.
This one was hard rock called "War on the inside." It's about someones personal struggles and his asking for help.
I wish I knew if he was just sharing good music or if he's sending me a message. I feel he'll just say it's good music and that's it.
Hey everyone.
I only saw my H yesterday for a few hours. He stopped by to do a few things around the house before he headed back to work at his side job and then go "home."
I was quite frustrated with him but was good and didn't show it or say anything. He had brought his laptop home to do some work on OWs new iPhone. Even though H says that they're not dating and just close friends (EA all the way) he had created an account for her on his laptop. He actually had her new phone with him and was working on it. He had created an itunes account for her and was syncing it.
He told me how she and her ex are still having issues and long story short...she stopped sharing the phone service with ex and got her own. Good for her...but she called MY H from the phone store and was going off about not knowing what phone to get and that she wanted the same one H has. So H got on the phone with the rep and explained what she wanted. The rep asked who "name" is and H said that it was her ex. Rep made a comment about OW not actually being crazy. H said no and to just get her what she wants and to get her out of the store. SMH
I don't get it. H mentioned (months ago) that he was tired of doing things to make everyone else happy and now he wanted to concentrate on making himself happy. Now it seems that he is more than willing to drop everything and help her so that she's happy. I know that he enjoys helping his friends but this seems like he's doing exactly what he told me he was tired of doing. I'm not 100% but it feels like she's using him for his good will and willingness to help a friend in need.
This OW is the same person that I warned my H about when he admitted to saying "I love you" when he ends a phone conversation with her. He ends his phone calls with his folks with ILY and he used to do it with me. I had told him that women take ILY a lot differently than men do. That ILY may mean something completely different to her than him. Of course, that was before I found out about the EA.
ARGH!!
I'm trying not to dwell. Just wanted to share and hopefully get your opinions.
Thanks.
PS - Successfully didn't bring up M, D or R this weekend. And we're still talking on friendly terms/topics.
This weekend I took a major step in my goal to GAL.
I'm working on reconnecting with my faith. I actually took the time today to attend the 9am service at my local church.
I was happy when H agreed to have our wedding in the church. He's never been involved in any organized religion and I was thrilled that he was willing to have a church ceremony. He actually joked that he fully expected to go up in flames when he stepped foot in the church (lol he didn't even overheat).
I've been true to my faith and prayed in private. I know that it's time to reconnect with the more formal side of religion. I'm looking forward to recharging my spiritual side.
This is definiately something that I'm doing for myself. (H used to tease me when I would go to mass because I wasn't consistent in going). So, if it makes me a better person perfect. If my M benefits from it, even better.
Hi tessa, popped over to say thx for ur comments on my sitch. Sorry u find urself here too!
Read ur sitch and oh boy the EA sounds so familiar. My W too admitted she got too involved with break up of OM marriage. She also said that he has been supporting her with our sitch, telling her she can do it on her own etc etc. Its a deadly cycle in IMO but I am powerless to stop it. Her thinking is so twisted she actually said she respects him because it must have been so tough for him to walk out on his W and 3 kids!!!! And how strong he is!!! And he seems to be repaying the favour by telling W how strong she is. Grrr. For the record my W sees nothing wrong with their R, they r good friends etc etc. This is all script for an EA and is extremely destructive.
Re intimacy, it sounds v much like cake eating to me. Have u set boundaries?
Ur husband does sound v confused - have u researched MLC, there are some simiarities IMO. There is some great info in the MLC forum to help u understand. Its what keeps me from completely exploding with W.
Have u read the 37 rules? If not read them asap and memorise them.
How is ur detachment going?
Take care
For the record my W sees nothing wrong with their R, they r good friends etc etc. This is all script for an EA and is extremely destructive.
Re intimacy, it sounds v much like cake eating to me. Have u set boundaries?
Ur husband does sound v confused - have u researched MLC, there are some simiarities IMO. There is some great info in the MLC forum to help u understand. Its what keeps me from completely exploding with W.
Have u read the 37 rules? If not read them asap and memorise them.
How is ur detachment going?
Take care
Hi rkyfat73,
You're welcome. I really can relate to your sitch.
Like your wife, my H sees nothing wrong with their R. He keeps telling me that they've known each other longer than we have. The funny thing is that he hadn't been talking with her the whole time. They only reconnected as friends a couple of years ago. He doesn't think that matters.
As for intimacy, I know it's probably cake eating. I really haven't set any boundaries because I'm enjoying just as much as he is and I know that if, at this point, I try to tell him to stay away from OW that it'd backfire on me. Even though I'm trying to GAL, I'm not ready for it.
Thanks for suggesting the MLC area. I've read a couple of posts but I know that I should dig deeper into it. I'll definately take another look.
I've read the 37 rules once but I'll definately read them again. I've just saved them onto my laptop so I can refer to them frequently until their memorized.
Detachment is going alright...it's a slow process. I'm proud of myself because I haven't started conversations via text with him for about a week. I still find myself thinking about him but I'm trying not to act upon anything or let it get me down.
Personally, I've been reading more, reconnecting with my faith, hanging out with others and looking for a second job.
Thanks for your support. I appreciate it.
Best wishes.
I forgot to mention...H is back to NOT wanting kids.
I'm trying to keep up with the not believing what you hear and 1/2 of what you see.
Hi Tessa,
I agree that saying NC may backfire. U do not want to drive it underground and at least he is open about contact with OW. But u can set boundaries to protect yourself. I expect it will be much more difficult to detach when H is doing favours for OW under ur very nose.
Have u been able to figure out what need she is fulfilling? Obviously not physical but she must fulfill some need for him to go there. That cld really help you with making you the better option.
Hi rkyfat73.
I hope your having a good day. I appreciate your input.
But u can set boundaries to protect yourself. I expect it will be much more difficult to detach when H is doing favours for OW under ur very nose.
I haven't been able to figure out the boundaries just yet. Since he's rarely at home I don't have much of an opportunity to see him. H stops by and sees OW about 1-2x a week to visit. Sometimes she has her D and other times she doesn't. Since his "place" is close to her, it's easy for him to stop over, see her and do favors for her.
Have u been able to figure out what need she is fulfilling? Obviously not physical but she must fulfill some need for him to go there. That cld really help you with making you the better option.
I haven't been able to figure it out. I know that he supported her through her M problems and D. Now she's doing the same for him. My C and I were talking today and it seems like he wants to be the hero that helps the damsel in distress.
WHen we first met, he helped me get away from a bad room-mate situation at school. I could talk with him about the problems I was having and he would help me to keep my mind of off the issues at my apartment. Now, he's helping OW with her problems at home and she is free to contact him to help her or to do things for her. So I can only guess that he misses being depended on to resolve everything.
The frustrating part is that during the 1 C session that he attended with me, he mentioned being tired of doing things to make other people happy and now he's going to concentrate on making himself happy. Isn't that exactly what he's doing for her??
When H stayed home a couple of weekends ago, he mentioned that he wanted to go with me to my next C session. H hadn't brought it up since then and I thought it was an alcohol induced comment.
I told him this am that my session was today after work, he said that I should have told him sooner because he wouldn't be able to make it. I was shocked. I didn't think he really meant it that's why I didn't say anything. He actually wants to know when my next appt. is.
I told my C about it and she asked me what outcome I wanted for the session. All I want is an open dialogue with H that allows him to talk. I want the session to focus on him and his feelings and not me. She mentioned that, if she gets an opening, she'll ask some thought provoking questions.
I'm not expecting any decisions to be made, just a good conversation. The session is in 3 weeks so we'll see if I make any DB progress before that time.
H and I were texting yesterday (He started it.)
I had asked him if he had spoken with his parents that day. When I had called home to let them know that I was leaving work (ran late) I was asked if I had heard from H.
H proceeded to tell me that he spoke with his mom and that she made him feel like a POS. I told him that I was sorry because I didn't know that they spoke and she made him feel that way. He said that I do hear it and choose to ignore it. I reminded him that I hear the usual banter betwen him and his parents but I'm not around when they REALLY get into it. He said "I know" and I responded "Just making sure".
Here's the frustrating part: H said "Making sure what? That my parents care to much and you all need to let go??? LMAO"
I told him that wasn't the case and he responded that it felt like it. I reiterated that I wanted to make sure that he knew I wasn't around when they get into it with each other. He ended the coversation with "OK" and I wasn't sure how to respond.
Please help me out here. I'm not sure if I responded correctly or not. I'd appreciate the feedback.
Thanks.
I received a text from H about an hour ago. He tells me not to respond but he's going to spend the day at home to wash his baby (car) and to spend time with us (parents, sister, and me). "Just a heads up."
Funny thing is, I've already made plans for a good portion of the day.
- Audition in the afternoon. (Stepping out of my comfort zone and seeing if I can break into the fashion/entertainment industry part-time).
- Housewarming party in the evening at co-workers home.
Since he's going to be home, should I tell him about the audition and risk ridicule or not tell him and risk making him angry?
What do you think?
I received a text from H about an hour ago. He tells me not to respond but he's going to spend the day at home to wash his baby (car) and to spend time with us (parents, sister, and me). "Just a heads up."
Funny thing is, I've already made plans for a good portion of the day.
Since he's going to be home, should I tell him about the audition and risk ridicule or not tell him and risk making him angry?
Don't tell him what you're doing, just text back and say "thank you but I already have plans for most of the day." If he texts back asking what your plans are just ignore it. It is rude of him to assume that he can just "spend time" with you whenever he wants and just tell you that's what he's doing rather than asking, and doubly rude that he mentions spending that time with his "baby" before you guys!
I received a text from H about an hour ago. He tells me not to respond but he's going to spend the day at home to wash his baby (car) and to spend time with us (parents, sister, and me). "Just a heads up."
Funny thing is, I've already made plans for a good portion of the day.
Since he's going to be home, should I tell him about the audition and risk ridicule or not tell him and risk making him angry?
Don't tell him what you're doing, just text back and say "thank you but I already have plans for most of the day." If he texts back asking what your plans are just ignore it. It is rude of him to assume that he can just "spend time" with you whenever he wants and just tell you that's what he's doing rather than asking, and doubly rude that he mentions spending that time with his "baby" before you guys!
Thanks AS -
You're advice helped. I agree with you that it was rude of him to mention washing his car before spending time with us. I was surprised because he spent time with us before the washed the car. Actually he and I spent the morning watching television together w/o either of us texting and we had small talk during the show.
I didn't mention anything to H about my plans until it was a couple hours before I had to leave. When I got out of the shower, he was outside washing the car. I got ready for the appointment (contacts, makeup, dress [one he likes], heels) and headed out the door. When I walked past to say good-bye, he told me to have fun on my date. I reminded him that it was an appointment and mentioned that I had my laptop. He called BS ("I can get my laptop and say the same thing.") and I didn't get upset. I just reminded him it was an appt and, of course, I got the "Whatever helps you sleep at night." I just told him that I'd see him when I got home.
All and all the weekend went well. He tried my patience and tried starting arguments but I didn't take the bait. He actually gave me a "pft" when I mentioned going to church this morning. I expected it because he doesn't believe in organized religion.
I have a feeling H is coming to the realization that he's actions a few months prior are not serving him well now. I mentioned before how he broke his hand. Now, he may not have his job to go back to [small company with about 5 people including owner] because his boss had to bring someone else in. He asked his old boss about coming back and she hired 2 new people and has no room for him. All of this because he broke his hand doing something that he shouldn't have been doing. I wanted to ask if breaking his hand was worth everything that's going on now, but I "bit my tongue" and didn't say anything. I know it would have started a fight and I'm working on keeping the peace.
The greatest small steps happened today as H was leaving.
1. He said that he's going to come home on the weekends more often to relax.
2. He mentioned that we could go out together during those times.
3. I received a free pass for 2 for a local comedy club, he agreed to go with me if I found a good act.
4. I got 2 hugs from him (he initiated) before he left. (1 before he pulled the car out of the garage and the 2nd before he got in the car to actually leave.
I didn't show my excitement to him but I'm happy. I know that these are small steps and aren't a guarantee. But I can't help being happy.
I think last night was an epiphany.
H sent me a text apologizing for what's happened and what's to come. That I don't deserve this and he wishes that I wasn't involved. I'm a good person and not to forget it.
Huh???
I asked if he was ok and he said that he eventually will be but he's been a mess since Sat. I probed a little and he admitted that it's because of his job and some other stuff. I told him that while I didnt' know everything, I understood, noticed thaere was something wrong but didnt' want to press the issue.
H said he almost cracked when leaving and that the stress is reallly getting to him. We texted a bit more and he mentioned that he was burned by leaving his comfort zone.
There was a bit more exchange but he mentioned that he was going this "for self-preservation". I have no idea where he's going with it but in the end, H said he loved me.
I ended the session with love you too and good night.
This morning he came home and jumped right into bed with me and snuggled.
I'm TRYING not to get my hopes up too high but it feels soo good.
Not too much going on lately.
H came home since Thursday night. We all ate as a family and it was real nice. His b-day gift came in the mail on the 7th and I told him he could start playing since I was going to be late. He told me that he'd wait to start the game because I had been there for the start of all the other episodes. H passed a comment that I ruined his surprise by coming home in time for dinner. I guess he had a rendez-vous planned because I was coming home late after work. (I had a follow-up appt. with the agent regarding the modeling/entertainment industry. She had no news due to weather in NYC.)
We woke up and sat next to each other on the sofa to see the opening sequence to the game. It felt like old times.
He spent a couple of hours playing before he was called into work. The rest of the weekend went very well. No arguing, just spending quality time together watching tv and just hanging out with each other and the family.
On Sunday, H gave me a few dollars to go and get the cat some moist food. (Hadn't bought any moist since $ is tight and she has a full canister of dry food) On my way home from Mass, I went to the cat store and bought our cat some food and the kitten at his buddy's place a toy. (The kitten had busted the other toy and H wanted to replace it but never got the chance.) H was surprised and appreciative that I picked it up.
Later that day, we chatted about a few things (personal but not about M or R) and I took a leap and apologized for my actions during the past 7 years (condesending tone, belittling comments, etc.). H actually told me that I had
nothing to apologize for. That a lot of it was because of something that he said or did to start it. He admitted to being immature and apologized for bringing me into a situation where he was coddled by his parents and lived under their wings. I told him that it was my choice and I agreed to it.
As we were talking he continued to refer to "if we move out" and "when I get my house/condo". He also mentioned that we can still be "F-buddies". Yea, didn't know how to answer that one so I just let it slip.
Without using the taboo word of love, I told H that I feel the way I do because I choose to feel that way. He said that he understood.
I can see the small steps we're making but it's so hard to keep steady and strong. Especially when he sent me that text last week that said he loved me and he still refers to us spending time together but his getting his own place.
As we were talking he continued to refer to "if we move out" and "when I get my house/condo". He also mentioned that we can still be "F-buddies". Yea, didn't know how to answer that one so I just let it slip.
I can see the small steps we're making but it's so hard to keep steady and strong. Especially when he sent me that text last week that said he loved me and he still refers to us spending time together but his getting his own place.
I don't want to throw cold water on your hopes, but I'm not reading any progress in these posts. It sounds to me like he's resolute about leaving but is trying to string you along so he can do some classic cake-eating. I would absolutely shut down any possibility of sex, just be clear to him that you reserve that for a two way loving relationship and are not interested in just being used as an "F buddy".
On a side note, I am constantly amazed to hear that term being thrown around on these forums, almost always by men at their LBS wives. I'm really surprised it hasn't earned any of them a firm reprimand if not a slap across the face. It is so unbelievably rude to tell that to anyone, much less your own wife. "F buddy" = free prostitute in my opinion. Is that really the best they can do? How about something at least a little respectful, like "I know we're having difficulties, but I still enjoy intimacy with you and hope we can continue that in some measure if you feel it's still appropriate." "F buddy" just sounds crude and crass, like an exchange two wasted people would have in some seedy bar.
Tessa,
I have to agree w AS. It doesn't sound like forward progress--just a cycle of the same stuff over and over.
It does sound like you are doing some nice 180's & he is responded though regarding some of the things you say/don't say.
Having said that at some point the interaction between he & OW is going to change or you may get tired of tolerating his "hero" interactions w HER and then running back to you for some great sex.
It might be beneficial to "try something new" by NOT having sex w him as he continues these interactions w HER. Unless you are okay w their R as it is for now, of course. R u ready to establish some boundaries or do you feel you are okay w things as they are? b/c your H is DEFINITELY CAKE-EATING!!!
yup, agree totally with comments above.
Never used the term f-buddy before, but when I reach that point, it's because I lost all respect for the girl.
As a man, I'm attracted to a woman who is kinda difficult to catch, and convince to have sex with. If you're taken for granted, forget it.
Therefore, yeah, no more sex with him, but you have to deprive him in a way that he understands why. He's ego has to be bruised a little. Hit him in the mouth. Not just : I have a headache tonight, or not good moment of the month -like excuses.
See what I mean?
And by the way everybody :
I may know what men want and what makes them tick.
But as for my wife, I haven't got a clue.
Please, I need more input on my thread.
Pretty please all forum friends, I need you to read my story and help me out.
Big thanks,
B
Thanks AS, turtlegirl and B.
I appreciate the input. I'm fully aware that I may be reading more into what's actually going on. So, AS, I understand the cold water.
I know that he's cake-eating and as of right now, I'm okay with it. I need to verify but H is going to come to my next IC on Monday. Depending on how the conversation goes, I may nix the sex. I need to see how it goes first. My C loves Michele's teachings/books/methods and so she is all for trying to help make the sitch better and save the M/R.
He hasn't mentioned OW in a while and so I don't know what's going on with her...although I know that they still text each other. The other night, I didn't have my glasses on but I could just barely make out her name on his phone while he was texting. He told me that he wasn't ignoring me, just texting everyone that he knows so that he could drain his battery. If he does it this weekend, I'll just tell him to stop texting, and turn Pandora and his navigation program. That'll drain the battery MUCH quicker. LOL
On Tuesday, I was leaving for a training session with a client that is 4 hours away. H worked until 11pm the night before and spend the night at his home away from home. He sent me a message talking about the furnace going out in the middle of the night and his "freezing" and needing to bundle up more. To my surprise he actually made it home to see me before I left on my trip. Granted he may have just wanted to sleep in our heated home and waterbed but some part of me knows that he could've waited until after I had left. I even received a text asking if I was still alive since I didn't send a message about getting there okay.
Small steps...right?
Today was an okay day even though I had an emotional slip (unobserved).
I've been trying to GAL and not let H's comments about getting his own place bother me.
For whatever reason, today was an emotional day. As I was driving home from work (safely) I started to get teared up. So, I took the time to pray and have a conversation between God and myself. It made me feel a bit better and I was pretty calm by the time I pulled into the garage.
Good thing H wasn't home because he'd easily pick up on the fact that I was crying even the slightest.
Tessa,
Hey, we're here with you. Don't give up, okay?
I hope you started withdrawing the easy sex for your H. He needs to begin respecting you before loving you.
H needs to see you as something differently than a pain in the neck, but oh well, she does IT.
You are more than that. Start being someone I or any man would fall in love with : nice but firm, independent yet easy to get along with, etc... you know the rest I'm sure.
Not that boring, whiny, old usual wife that I'm going to get rid of but in the meantime let-me-f-her-a-bit-more-while-I'm-at-it.
Do you understand? Do you get what I'm talking about?
Is your H a believer as well? Keep praying, it works, things will turn around, slowly, but they will eventually.
Cheers,
Hi Bruce.
Thank you for the advice and words of encouragement. I appreciate it.
Unfortunately, H isn't a believer. His belief is that there's a higher force at work (unspecified) and when you die it's over.
I have seen small changes and it keeps me hopeful. He actually told me that he had a dream last night of us getting busy on the flight deck of a ship in a game he's playing. LOL
Tessa,
I'm glad your seeing some steps. Although, don't read too much into it.
I've just been disappointed big time today, my post says it all.
If that can help you, usually men like their ego being flattered by an adventure, a challenge, something a little special, dangerous or forbidden. Once the feeling of excitement gone, they go back to their family. So there's hope for you.
(From what I understand, women have a different dynamic, when they quit, they quit, so looks like I'm screwed, but I would love to believe the contrary).
Have a good week,
B
Hi everyone.
I know I've been quiet for a while due to work and the holidays.
Not too much going on with the R/M. We're on an even keel right now and just enjoying each other's company when he's around the house.
Yesterday was a bittersweet. H didn't text/call me all day and I was ok with it but I was still expecting it. H finally called me after I had come home from work but I didn't answer because the ringer was still low from work. He then called the house line and asked his mom the question he was going to ask me. I had to chuckle because he asked if I was home and complained because I didn't answer. He told his mom that I need to have it on my person at all time.
Without skipping a beat, she told him that he can wait and that no one needs to drop everything for him. She explained that I could have been on the phone, in the bathroom, etc. Ultimately, he wanted to know if we could find something for him.
Fast forward about 10 minutes, I find what he was looking for and had his mom call him (he called her not me)
He took a bit long to answer the phone and she teased it about him. Put it right back to him about keeping the phone on his person. (I didn't even coax her into it) Good thing is...he got the point.
H called me today to chat for a few minutes. He talked about his day at work and how a mutual friend is coming along with his new job. H also gave me an update on the friend's wife health.
I told him that my family might be coming into our side of the state to spend Christmas Day with my oldest sister (she lives 45 minutes South of us) and her family. My niece is going to be 1 on the 27th and so they thought it would be nice to have everyone over for a Christmas / Birthday party. H told me to do what I need to do but we'd discuss it later on. I told him that I understood and just wanted to let him know because my family has been asking about him. (They haven't really seen him too much for a while because he doesn't like to travel the 2hrs to see them.)
I wish I could remember exactly what H said next, but he made a reference to getting his act together. So, I'm going to try my best not to read into it. But it almost sounds like he's reconsidering the R. Again, I'm not going to try not to show excitement or get my hopes up. He may just mean that he's actually going to go with me to visit them and finally meet my niece.
We'll see.
H asked about my company's "Adult" holiday party. "Adult" meaning alcohol is involved and nothing kinky. He wanted to know if I still needed him to go. I told him that although I don't need him to go I want him to go. He agreed.
As I mentioned above, H wants to talk about Christmas. In the past, we would both travel the 2 hours to get to my parents house for some of the holidays. In the past few years, he didn't want to go and I didn't force him because I knew that he didn't like the drive. Besides, if he went to visit my family during other holidays/events, it was okay with me. Eventually, he didn't want to visit at all.
It's been confirmed that my sister is going to have Christmas at her house. So, we'll see what happens when we talk about Christmas.
By the way, Christmas morning is going to be here at home with his family (as a reminder, we all live in the same house) so we won't be completely missing the holiday with his side.
H told me that he wanted to go with me to my sister's place for Christmas.
H also told me that he is going to see OW tomorrow to work on the electric in her home. He asked me if I was upset and I told him that I wasn't. I was just used to him not telling me or telling me after the fact.
He actually told me that he wanted to let me know. I told him that I appreciated it.
Hi everyone.
Christmas went well. H apologized for not getting me anything bc he's been too busy. I know "poor excuse" but I know that he's been putting in A LOT of hours at work. (We still have a joint account).
WE did travel 45 min to see my family at my sisters place. H had a good time visiting and finally met my niece. I'm so happy the way the day turned out.
On to New Years: H is going to be having a get together at his buddy's place. Don't know whose invited and I'm not pressing it either. He did tell me that his resolution is to cut down on his drinking because he's tired of waking up as if he hasn't slept. I reminded him that I'll support his decision.
We're still talking more and more. Everything "appears" to be on the up-swing but I'm not getting my hopes too high.
I'm not sure what the future holds in 2013 but I hope things go well for my sitch and all of yours.
Been having some good encounters with my H. We're definitely talking a lot more when he's home and it's very enjoyable. We're talking about health, work and family. Over the past few months, H would say "don't worry about me" or "I'm fine." Now a days, he is open to my asking how he's doing and if he needs me to go to the store and pick something up for him (while I'm out anyway, no special trips).
Today, he admitted that his burning the candle at both ends has finally taken a toll on his health. He's pretty much picked up the flu. I had to go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds and offered to get his cough drops. He told me that he actually picked up 2 bags (1 for him and 1 for me) and was going to bring it home to me tomorrow.
Yesterday, he was home and told us that he'd be home next on Saturday. I asked him about tomorrow night (Friday). He asked why and I reminded him about my company's "Adult" party. H said "oh yea, I'll see everyone Friday." I'm so surprised and happy because he is still planning on going with me to the party.
Some additional small steps forward. I'll take it.
Hi everyone!
The past couple of weeks have been a whirlwind of activity on the home and work side of things.
My H did come to the holiday party with me. We both weren't feeling too good but we at least lasted an hour there before heading back. It's a good thing that we didn't stay any longer because I ended up getting physically sick. H came in and checked to see how I was doing. He actually sounded concerned.
Last week, H stated that he wanted to go out to dinner on Friday. We went to a place that we used to always visit because of the great food and house beers. There was A LOT of animosity between us the last time that we were there. This time was MUCH better. We had good conversation and he even offered me some of his clam chowder (fed it to me, too).
The next day or so, we were texting about a purchasing a handgun for me. He reminded me that there was one at home for me. I had mentioned that I was looking at one for "the future". He then messaged something that completely threw me off. He mentioned that he loved me 100% and that no matter what he was still my husband.
H tried to call an hr or so later and I missed it. He left a msg and stated that I didn't have to call back. I send him a text back stating the phone didn't ring and I'd chat with him later. He actually called back and said that he's had a lot of time to think about everything and he wants to see if we can make it work. He mentioned that he hoped it wasn't too late to try and asked for my feelings. Even though I was "omg, omg, omg" in my head, I calmly said "I'd like that."
So, it seems that he wants to fix our M and R. He's been talking more about our future together, getting our own place, etc. I'm happy that he's made this choice but I'm still on guard around him.
I've made a BIG step with my GAL. A while back, I had mentioned that I had gone on an audition that went rather well. This past Wednesday night, I went on another audition for an international show for models and talent that is happening in NYC in July. I mostly went for the experience and to see what would happen. I actually received an invitation and call back to speak with the scout about attending the show. He felt that I am a really good actress and that I would do well in the commercial advertising business. I'm elated and shocked at the same time. I am fully aware that it may amount to nothing but I'm still excited that a scout in the business thinks I have what it takes.
Since the show is a week in NYC and H is talking about making it work. I made the decision to talk with him about the auditions and the opportunity that is presented. We had a nice, calm conversation and he gave me his blessing to look into it more and pursue this other career...as long as I'm smart about it. I agree completely and it felt so good to have an open talk with him about my new goal. It felt even better to have his support.
Now onto the next step. Trying to keep things going on the right track.
Hey Tessa. Haven't read your sitch much, saw your thread on same page as mine and I clicked on the last page to see the updated status.
Even though I was "omg, omg, omg" in my head, I calmly said "I'd like that." -- I lol'd hard on that.. I literally pictured you with your hands on your cheeks going "OMG>.. OMG'... OMG BREATH.. breath..." haha.
Wow, I don't know the sitch but I swear, reading your last few posts are uplift. The first post I read was where you said H was telling you about his day. My first thought (this is where my training kicked in and realize what these things mean) "he's showing trust and interest, this is a good sign"
I'm so happy that things are looking up. REMEMBER! Baby steps, and take it with little expectations. Expectations is what gets us hurt even more. Hope, now that's a different thing.
I'll say a prayer for you guys (trying to regain my faith
) and I truly hope things keep going well/ in a positive direction.
Dewayne
Yay! I'm so glad for you. This gives me some hope that if I am patient things truly can turn around. Keep going!
Awesome news Tessa! Take it slow, don't go into full-blown pursuit mode or it might scare your H off. Just let him set the pace.
Even though I was "omg, omg, omg" in my head, I calmly said "I'd like that.
Perfect response! Just keep that kind of thing going. Show him cool detachment as this develops.
Dewayne,
Thank you for the feedback and I'm glad that I could make you laugh.
I'm trying to maintain low expectations and just enjoying the increased time together.
I'll add you to my prayers. I'm finding more peace and strength since I've started going back to church. I'm sure you will too once you regain yours.
Take care,
Tessa
jzoom - Thank you.
Best wishes on your sitch.
Awesome news Tessa! Take it slow, don't go into full-blown pursuit mode or it might scare your H off. Just let him set the pace.
Thank you, AS. It's hard but I'm working on taking it slow. The other night, I wanted to start talking about ways to heal our R (one of a few topics). I stopped myself and just mentioned that I had nice time with him the past few days.
Even though I was "omg, omg, omg" in my head, I calmly said "I'd like that.
Perfect response! Just keep that kind of thing going. Show him cool detachment as this develops.
Thanks, I'm trying.
I appreciate the feedback.
Up until today, not much has been going on.
H is a bit upset because he set his motorcycle down and broke some pieces. So, he has to spend his tax return $ on parts insead of splurging on something un-necessary.
He also mentioned that he's going to be moving back in today. He seemed a bit hesitant and I mentioned that we could only take things day by day. Happily, he agreed to that w/o a snide comment. I know that one of our big issues is the fact that we still live in his folks basement.
I have a session with my mc and so she and I can talk about the upcoming changes.
H finally wants to talk this weekend. Since he set the bike down, he really wants to start "figuring things out."
We'll see how it goes.
Take care everyone,
Tessa
Argh!
Bit frustrated right now.
Over the weekend, I learned that H went to OW's family reunion last year. He told me because I had seen a pair of swim shorts that I didn't recognize. He said that he'd tell me about it when I was ready. I told him I was fine and to just tell me. He told me that she asked him to go and he said yes. I only asked how he was introduced and he said his name and nothing else. I said ok and dropped it. I didn't want to share what was going on in my head. That some folks in her family would automatically figure that they were together.
We've talked a little about the future but nothing specific about out R or M. I want him to open up but I know I have to wait for him to be ready.
What little we've talked about, he's added comments like: "someone that we won't name, but not who your thinking" or "don't take this the wrong way".
For example, we were talking about the cable bill and he mentioned that he did some checking around "for someone...". I told him that he didn't even need to mention "for someone..." and to just say, I did some checking around.
I just have so smh becuase I feel as if we're stagnant for most of the time but then I see the small progress.
Last night, he mentioned that he knew he shouldn't have moved back in. This was because his mom was pushing his hot buttons. It's so hard to deal with his dislike for the living arrangements with our R issues. Especially since they're intertwined.
I'm looking forward to when comments like "when I get my tax refund, I can ..." turns into "when we get our tax refund, we can ..."
Argh!
Tessa
Hi everyone.
I'm still having some general conversations with H. He isn't quite ready to talk about us and I'm trying to be okay with it.
He mentioned that he was going to work a side job tonight for an awards show for the local newspaper. I had mentioned something about last year and he told me that he hated life so much last year that he doesn't remember much of it. As much as I wanted to say something about it, I held my tongue and just commented about how I understood.
He keeps talking about being angry and unhappy. I'm trying to be supportive but when I'm upbeat and understanding, he just gives me a look. I told him that I've been trying to let things go and not allow them to get me mad. He says that he can't do it. He's talking more but I can tell he's still holding a lot in.
We were talking while I was brushing my teeth and H mentioned "we'll probably be separated by then." It ticked me off but I kept brushing my teeth. I didn't say anything and I'm not sure if I made a face but he asked me if I was upset. I told him no because I was brushing. I'll admit I was upset for a sec or two but then I calmed down and realized it was to get a reaction out of me. I did't play along.
I know that he's got a lot to work through for himself. I just want him to be patient because our sitch isn't going to resolve itself overnight. He wants to be able to move out of folks basement next year and we're still 2 yrs from being out of debt.
I hope I can continue to have the strength to go forward.
Hi Everyone!
One month update, there hasn't been much progress with H. He's back to texting at night (to kill his battery) and not talking about what's going on.
He's keeps telling me how much he hates his folks and living here. I just listen and tell him I understand. There's really not much that can be done since the bulk of our earnings are going towards bills. I'm getting tired of hearing him talking about hating everything and I'm trying not to let it bring me down.
The Saturday before Easter, I drove down and picked up my 15mo. old niece from my sister's house. She and her H were happy that I was willing to take her D to our parents a day early so that they could have the night off. H was upset because he didn't want me to take her. (Fear that we would get in an accident on the way and my sis would sue us.) He actually said it was the last straw. That night and into Sunday morning, he was going on about enjoying not having me in bed with him and wanting me to not come back. It put me off but I didn't fight back, I just mentioned that texting about it on Easter Sunday was neither the right time or place to be talking about it and that we'd chat when I got home. Needless to say, the talk hasn't happened.
H has been sick and so he hasn't been in a great mood. I've been letting him have his space but also asking how he slept and how his day at work went. I don't get much of an answer. It feels as if he's slipping farther back into not wanting to be together.
This past week, I've been trying to initiate intimacy but back off when he mentions not being in the mood. (Previous complaint was that I didn't initiate enough) This morning, he brushed up against me in the bathroom and I took it as a signal that he was interested. I pursued and we were intimate.
A few hours later, he mentions that he wants that to be the last time until we hash everything out. OK, fine. But how can we hash things out if he doesn't bring up the subject or avoids talking with me all together?
In other news, my GAL is going well. I've completed my first 9-week acting class and enjoyed it. The owner offered me another 9-week course for free. (She knows that I can't afford another session.) I'm so excited because I had fun and she things I'm doing well enough to pay for my next course.
That's about it.
Any advice on my sitch w/H would help.
Thanks and have a good weekend.
Tessa
WOW Tessa, I don't have much to offer other than ((hugs)).
You seem like such a nice & patient person who totally understands how to DB.
WOW Tessa, I don't have much to offer other than ((hugs)).
You seem like such a nice & patient person who totally understands how to DB.
Thanks, I appreciate that! I'm trying my best to be patient.
Sometimes I think he's playing games with me. This morning, H was getting frisky with me twice before I left for work this morning. I reminded him that he told me he didn't want to until we hashed everything out. Then I get the "You don't get it" with a smirk.
Argh!
Not too much has changed. I did manage to talk with H for about 5 minutes about what's going on. (He sent me a pic of a cake that said "I want a Divorce" with rainbows.) I responded back that I wanted what he promised in January. He then told me that try isn't a promise.
I made the mistake of mentioning a comment that he had made about wanting me to move in with him if I still wanted to. He went on the defense and said he never said it and to prove it.
We spoke a bit more and he mentioned that his mind hasn't changed. That his still being in the house was his way of trying. ARGH!
He stepped into the other room for a minute and when he came back he had one thing to say. He said, "Keep in mind, actions speak louder than words." I told him that I understood and that was the end of the conversation.
Not sure if its a major step backwards or not.
Need some advice:
I finally had a brief talk with my H. We talked about how it had only been 2 months since he had broken up with his previous GF before starting to date me. (He wasn't even 21 at the time.) He swore to himself and his buddies that he wouldn't get into a serious relationship right away. But he met me and we did. He pursued me (calling daily) even when I tried getting him to back off.
Now he is regretting it.
He feels like he's never had the opportunity to live on his own. His own place, paying his own bills, buying his own food, coming/going whenever and not answering to anyone.
He went from living with his parents, to living in his grandparents home (parents owned it and used to rent it out to people) with a buddy, then I moved in. We got married and moved in with his parents.
This is why he wants a divorce.
Instead of making the effort to get our own place and live as a married couple instead of in his parents basement, he wants to break up and live on his own.
I can understand his feelings but at the same time, I want the chance to live and act like were married instead of always checking in with his parents.
Most of our money is tied up in debt consolidation so we can't move out right now. Trust me...I wish we could.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks!
Did he bring up all that stuff from the past or did you? The problem with that type of thinking is that he is still looking for the OUTSIDE SOURCE for his "pain". What he doesn't realize is that his pain comes from within. There are many other people who break up and hookup right away and have perfectly happy marriages. It comes down to your own personal attitude.
He is still looking for something/someone to blame. And unfortunately it often happens that they decide that the person closest to them is the cause of their ills.
In order to change his thinking, you have to remove yourself from the picture so that when he looks around, he won't have anyone else to blame.
Hi Mr. Bond.
Thanks so much for responding.
He is the one that brought up the past while we were talking.
When I first moved in with him, he was completely disinterested in taking care of his finances. It was the typical credit card scenario, buy but don't/forget to pay the bill or balance bank acct. Since I was living with him, rent free, I offered to help get his finances back on track and he never looked back. Since then, whenever I tried to get him to work on the finances, he would be interested for a day and then stop.
He admitted that he relied to much on his folks to help him get up when he fell. (His mom admits to helping too much.) The only time he lived on his own, it was in his grandparents home that his parents owned and he was only responsible for utilities. He now wants the chance to pay his bills, own a home, do what he wants and come home to no one.
When he left last year, he moved in with a buddy and still didn't take care of finances or "pay rent."
If I could move out, I would. Unfortunately, I don't have the monthly cash available to rent a place.
Thanks for the advice. I'm going to look deeper into what I can/can't afford and see if I can "remove myself." It's a scary thought but I've been coming to the conclusion its something I HAVE to do.
Arg!
Is it wrong that I am jealous of his cell phone?
He brings it to bed, he lays it on his chest so that he can feel it vibrate, and whenever it does, he responds almost immediately.
We watch tv in bed so that we can wind down before going to bed (he usually falls asleep first and I have to turn it off). He'd rather text and thumb through images online while watching tv than interact with me. He tells me he's "multi-tasking" or "killing his battery."
Last night I questioned it, his case is also a charger. He asked why I cared. I mentioned is usual response to me about phone batteries, "you've always told me that you have to cycle it out." Of course, he tells me he does. I know it's just an excuse to not interact with and avoid me.
But still...is it right to be jealous of a cell phone?
H came home yesterday all upset about work.
His boss is complaining and ridiculing him because H can't afford to treat the office to breakfast (5 people). Boss is calling him a cheapskate.
Then H is complaining that his buddy (co-worker) is bi-polar. That anytime something goes wrong it's H's fault.
Now he's at the end of his limit w/work and wants a new job.
SMH
Had some talking progress.
The other day H passed a comment about my not being any fun. I mentioned that it's hard to have fun when his nose is always in his phone. He came back with a comment about his friends being more fun.
I then told him that it's hard to have fun when he turns down everything that I suggest. He said it's because those things aren't fun. I reminded him that we were supposed to go out to the movies (his offer) and he backed out. I also mentioned that he doesn't come up with anything either. (Probably shouldn't have said it.) It took him a few seconds to realize what I said b/c he got annoyed, gave me a nasty look and started off with "What do you mean by that..." speech about working 40+ hours a week (only past couple of weeks). I came back saying that I understood he was overworked and tired. And that's why I hadn't said anything. That pretty much ended that conversation.
He keeps talking about being nice to me this week (and last). As if he has to make a special effort to be nice.
The other day, he wanted sex before I left for a class. I told him no (I was leaving in 20 min and didn't want to get busy before I had to leave). Later that day, I approached him and he commented about my not wanting it. I told him that I did but not before class AND I may not want to if he continues to treat me like crap. He told me he wasn't.
So if he's being nice for a day or two, it should out weigh the times that he tells me I'm no fun and he can't wait "til this is over."?
SMH - It's getting really hard to GAL and continue to want to be with him.
I'm on vacation this week and I decided to spend the time with my parents. (Grad Party on Sat, Father's Day Sun & mom still sick and underweight)
When H found out that I was going, his eyes lit up and he did that thing movie villains do with their hands "hands together & twiddling their fingers." I laughed and told him that if he was going to be like that, that I'd just stay home. (I knew he was "trying" to be funny)
Well, we texted a few times (I want to see a specific concert and wanted to know if he would go with me, he agreed.
At night, he would text me again about the cat getting sick and messing up the house or random stupid stuff.
Over the course of four days he instigated talks about:
- via text: his drinking to much and that he needed help. We had a brief chat and he mentioned that getting a house would solve some of the problems (no kidding, 8 yrs since we married and still living in his parents basement
).
- via phone: he asked me I want this to work on a scale of 1 - 10. When I said "10", he said, that's it. I replied that that was the scale he gave me.
- via text: who I was banging. I told him no one, he asked "why not" and I told him that I only banged him.
- via text: if I was alive and well ... because "We're still leagally joined so I should check in with him on my well-being." This one got me since last year he would get upset if we sent a text asking him if he was alive when we didn't hear from him in a few days.
- via text: houses (I'm looking places to buy/rent to get out of his parents home either with or without him.) I sent him a few locations (he knows good/bad neighborhoods) and he would say yes/no. He actually said last night, if we stay together no, but if it's just for you, yes. SMH
So, I'm still working on my GAL. The 180 really haven't been implemented yet because I really have to figure out what I can do. I feel like he's still pulling/pushing and I'm along for the ride.
I have to admit, even though I don't want to, my will to keep trying is weakening. So many people are telling me that I'm a saint for sticking this out. My therapist doesn't want to see my heart broken any more than it already has been, but she sees that I'm getting much stronger.
I pray that I can stick it out.
SMH - This morning H starts a texting conversation and asks why EVERYTIME he starts to play with me, I back out.
He was upset because he sent me a pick of a cat laying on its back with its tail between its tail like a penis. When I didn't play along he told me "that's why I want to split".
This morning I explained that I was out with friends and didn't want to start something that I couldn't finish. He didn't care for that response.
Good thing I didn't let it bother me.
WOW!
I came home last Friday to one heck of a kiss...outside in the driveway before I even started to unload the car.
A good night was well, H asked if I wanted to see a movie on Sat and get dinner. We DID!
He seems more open since I've been back and even caressed my hair one night while we were watching TV. Things seem to be looking up but I'm not going to let this "good behavior" trick me. I'm being cautious.
He's still texting OW but when we talk it's not in definite terms anymore. H is using "if" instead of "when." For example, "if we're still together..." instead of "when this is over...".
My birthday is next week. Last year at this time was miserable. H was being nasty about splitting up, he didn't make me feel good or want to acknowledge b-day. Later that week, I was sick & had an anxiety attack. I'm curious how next week will turn out. I'm not expecting anything but a verbal "Happy Birthday."
Here's hoping it's a pleasant day/week.
That's good news, but in reading the last couple of pages of your posts it seems pretty clear your H is running VERY hot/ cold. That's likely to continue for quite a while. Just be prepared for him to go cold again and try not to get too upset over it. Don't overreact to his swings, just try to maintain your own PMA and remain calm while he bounces up and down. Good luck!
I'm not looking forward to his cold spell to come around. We are set to visit friends tomorrow. Hopefully it goes well b/c I haven't seen them w/H since last year.
Thanks for the support, AS.
Hey everyone...it's been quite a while since I've posted. There's been a lot of personal stuff going on w/ my mom's health but hopefully we have her on the right track.
I know not to trust what people tell me but I can't help sharing. I found out a couple of things yesterday when I was out for a walk w/ my SIL. H had brought up Big D with her the other day and she told him that his actions don't match is words. He didn't understand, she told him that he says one thing and his actions say something else...that he's giving me mixed signals. When she clarified, he huffed and walked away.
She also told me about walking in on a conversation last week that he was having with a buddy. She overheard him say "She wants nothing to do with me while I'm still married." As I said, I know not to trust too much what SIL is telling me, but I can't help get excited with the fact that OW seems to have put the breaks on with him. I don't see the Big D happening anytime soon because he still can't save money to pay for filing and other costs. So, that makes me hopeful that he'll come out of his dark cloud.
He keeps mentioning that he's sick of being depressed and angry. I'm glad that he can acknowledge it to me, but I wish he'd see the light and get assistance. But, he doesn't need it. SMH
My GAL is going well. I've been invited to go to LA for an acting conference. I've just got to muster up the cash to pay for it. When I mentioned that I was invited, he asked why. (I only brought it up because I'm going to do a FB fundraiser campaign and our mutual friends will say something to him.) When he asked why, I told him that it was something I wanted to do and that they thought I was good enough to go. He reiterated that it was a pipe dream and I told him I wanted to do it because acting is something that makes me happy.
He actually turned it around for his benefit. He said that last year when he went to do something that made him happy, I had a nervous breakdown. I told him it wasn't the same thing. I don't understand how he can compare asking for Big D versus going to LA for an acting convention.
Argh!
I had a back step yesterday.
H was pissed at the world again and looked like he was about to cry. I couldn't help but ask what was wrong and pressed him a few times to tell me. I asked if it would piss me off..."no." Would it make me cry..."no."
Today I received a text asking me not to pry at him anymore. At least it was a calm text and not a screaming match.
As I mentioned above, I'm sure his really feeling the stress since OW doesn't want to be involved with a married man.
Well, H has been in a crappy mood for a while. Very into himself and not wanted to talk. I'm getting the "I don't want to talk about it" routine. I've been giving him his space and not probing into it. He's also back to drinking 100 proof vodka. But, he's also still sending mixed signals. He's playful one moment and then angry and frustrated the next.
I'm sure our 8 yr anniversary next week is bothering him as well. I haven't brought anything up about it.
Today, I got a text from him asking if I was going to be home tonight. When I said yes, he said that we need to talk. ARGH! I can't stand when he does this to me at work ... especially first thing in the morning. I always get that nervous feeling because I have a whole day to fall into his mind game trap.
I just have to get my mind set on work and TRY not to play this out in my head.
Wish me luck!
Good luck. Maybe it'll help you cope today if you formulate a DB plan for tonight. Such as, listen and don't talk. Really hear him. If he says something like I definitely want to move forward with a divorce, say something like I understand that you want that, I get it, and it sounds like you've been really unhappy, haven't you.
Let him get it all out.
Plan, perhaps, to have no answers for him. Whatever he asks you can tell him, let me give that some serious thought and I'll get back to you. He's had time to think about what he wants, and you may need more than 10 seconds to respond, and can ask for the time you need to sit with this and get used to it.
What that will do is let him feel heard.
If it helps any, he's probably having an uncomfortable day. It's not easy being on the other side of a "we need to talk" either.
Good luck. Ignore the anniversary; we've all been there and afterward, a day later, a couple of weeks, later, two years later, it'll just be a day. Don't torture yourself by giving it more significance right now.
Thanks adinva - I appreciate your feedback.
It turned out to be a very odd night. I was going to take a shower and get ready to settle in when he said "You're not going to come with me to X's?" I was confused and told him I'd go with him but he hadn't told me about going out.
On the way to his friend's home, he asked for an update on my acting/modeling venture and I told him what's been scheduled. We ended up having a nice night with H's friend, his fiancee and their friends.
H has changed his tone again. He's talking about "IF" we're still together. He even plans to take me to above friend's wedding in May.