Back from the far away.... - DivorceBusting.com

Been nearly a couple of years since i posted but thought i would run my situation past you guys and see if you have any advice...

divorce was final in february of 2011. since then there has been minimal contact. we have no kids and the only reasons to see each other have been when random things end up getting sent to her house or situations like that. i have been dating and am currently in an exclusive but not serious relationship (hard to be when i'm still in love with my ex wife.)

my "GAL"ing has gone very well and i have been in a very good job for nearly a year (ironically in the same building where she works... although it is a very large office tower) in addition, i have taken up photography as a hobby and that has been going very well. i am showing my prints at an art show and invited her to come see my show (not go with me) but she declined.

one thing that happened while we were splitting that i should cover real quick... there was one night where she was extremely depressed. crying and saying that if we divorced she would be alone because all of our friends were mostly my friends and they would blame her, etc... i told her that that wasn't true and that people cared about her a lot and that no matter what, no matter what happened with our marriage, i would always be there for her. she replied saying "no you won't!..." then she hesitated and thinking to herself out loud said "but, i don't know why i would want you to be there for me if i'm divorcing you?"

so fast forward to about a month ago... i emailed her to try to get a conversation going. i talked about that conversation and asked something to the affect of whether or not she was avoiding me just to prove that point to herself. she replied fairly unfiltered that she had struggled with that idea since our divorce. she doesn't know how to reconcile that in her mind.

after that conversation i asked her to come see my show and she went dark for a few days... finally she replied cold and distant with "i won't be able to make it but congrats" or something like that.

her reasoning for divorcing me was that i didn't love her, that i loved "my version of her"... i told her that i love her no matter what and that if she has to be on her own then i can accept that.

how do i keep a conversation going with her? i have no exposure to her really. i want her to know that i love her right now... but not in a "i told you so" kind of way. and not with any expectation.

i'm just looking for advice on how i can work towards opening a door that has been closed.

Originally Posted By: what next?

i'm just looking for advice on how i can work towards opening a door that has been closed.

Stop trying to open it.
Who shut the door?
YOU?

No, I don't think that I shut the door. So, your advice is to just let it go and not contact her?

That's what I say. You're still the one trying to keep the door open. SHE's the one that has to walk through it.

her strategy with dealing with our divorce has been to keep me out of site and out of mind. she is very good at compartmentalizing her emotions. my point is that in a lot of cases there are children involved which michelle says to use as an opportunity to db. but without that kind of exposure and with an ex wife that is content to stay in separate worlds how do i bridge that gap? how do i get that exposure to her? it has been nearly 2 years and are situation has changed very little. my hope is that with the space and perspective she could be ready to see me as a friend on some level (as per our conversation that we had recently that i outlined above)i just want to know how to keep that door open and what strategy some of you might have used in the past to keep the lines of communication from shutting off.

You are pursuing her and wondering why she is rejecting you.

You need her to pursue YOU.
Maybe she does not feel safe with you because you pursue her.
Let her go and see what happens.

Have you ever chased a squirrel?
Trying to give it food.
How do you think that works out?

You need to be the Lighthouse.

i have literally gone months without speaking a word to her over the past 2 years. my question is how do i get exposure to her? maybe i can't? maybe i just walk away and give up. but that hasn't worked either... maybe that is the point i have to reach though.

I am not telling you to give up.

There can always be HOPE.
But you must keep moving forward with your life.

You must become the best that you can be with YOUR life.

So when you dont speak to her, then she also has no contact with you?

Sorry to say but 2 years is not that long, sounds like she may be deeply depressed.

yeah, trust me... 2 years ago i would have said you're insane... now i realize it's about 20 minutes lol

my life has been moving forward and some of that is what has triggered this semi-relapse i guess. i am doing really well and enjoying life and part of that makes me feel guilty... like i've left her behind. maybe that's ridiculous but it's how i feel about it. and every time i start to feel myself getting close to another woman i just get consumed with guilt. plus i just miss her a ton lol

when i don't contact her she will contact me if there is a reason to but it is usually short and cordial but no openings ever pretty much. i'm trying to introduce the idea to her of me being her friend but i think that the hold up for her is that if she admits that i'm worthy of being a friend it invalidates her reason for wanting a divorce... then she has to feel the guilt that comes along with thinking she caused a lot of pain to someone that is actually a pretty good person. she would rather just keep it in her head that i am the bad guy she convinced herself that i was (or would be after divorce) and if she doesn't expose herself to me then she can't be proven wrong.

You guys are in the same office building, have you tried just asking her out to lunch? Lunch dates are pretty non-committal because it's not like you're going to try to get her back to your place afterwards, you've both got to return to work. If she accepts then DO NOT talk about reconciling, falling back in love, etc. etc. Treat her like you'd treat a friend.

Yeah, I've tried that. No luck...

I guess that there really is no answer. I'm just bummed that she wouldn't come to my show I guess... On the one hand that is bad but it just opened up questions in me... It's seems like if she was in a healthy place and was past our relationship she wouldn't feel the need to put up a wall still. But maybe I'm mind reading too much.

bump for any input lol

You've been divorced for over 1-1/2 years and even after that much time she won't have lunch with you even though you're in the same building. And she won't go to your show even though it would be completely benign if she did. As much as I admire your tenacity in trying to reconcile, it may be time for you to consider dropping the rope. I'm not saying there will never be a chance for reconciliation because I've read stories where people have been divorced for years and then against all odds got back together. But I am saying that your X is clearly indicating to you that she has zero interest in you right now. So moving on may be the healthiest thing for you to do.

Originally Posted By: AnotherStander

You've been divorced for over 1-1/2 years and even after that much time she won't have lunch with you even though you're in the same building. And she won't go to your show even though it would be completely benign if she did. As much as I admire your tenacity in trying to reconcile, it may be time for you to consider dropping the rope. I'm not saying there will never be a chance for reconciliation because I've read stories where people have been divorced for years and then against all odds got back together. But I am saying that your X is clearly indicating to you that she has zero interest in you right now. So moving on may be the healthiest thing for you to do.

What makes you think she has any interest in ANYONE?

YES DROP THE ROPE.

Does than mean running out and marrying someone else? - NO

But it means to stop pursuing and moving forward.

The bolded part above is your best chance scenario.

yeah, i think that she can't reconcile the idea that i am worthy of being her friend with the fact that she divorced me for a "reason". it makes her confront the irrational move that she made and she would rather hide from anything that presents her with that fact. i'm not pursuing at all... just wish that i had some way to have some exposure to her. like i said originally, db says that for couples with kids the hand off can be a perfect opportunity to re-brand yourself in your ex's mind. i don't have that exposure but i guess there is nothing that i can do about that. i'll just be nice to her when i'm around and keep living my life... never know where the road goes

Originally Posted By: what next?

yeah, i think that she can't reconcile the idea that i am worthy of being her friend with the fact that she divorced me for a "reason". it makes her confront the irrational move that she made and she would rather hide from anything that presents her with that fact. i'm not pursuing at all... just wish that i had some way to have some exposure to her. like i said originally, db says that for couples with kids the hand off can be a perfect opportunity to re-brand yourself in your ex's mind. i don't have that exposure but i guess there is nothing that i can do about that. i'll just be nice to her when i'm around and keep living my life... never know where the road goes

THAT ^^ is all that you can do. Nice seeing you around!