I wrote my story recently and in a nutshell; H told me he wasn't in love with me 4/21/12. On 5/25/12 I saw him leave hotel with one of the bosses holding hands and kissing. On 6/5/12 he moved out to the next state and close to OW. He denies it all. We met a few times since and had sex but it was mostly cause I initiated it. He pays the bills still but blames me for the break-up. He won't go to a therapist. We've been together 20 years, each having one child prior and then us having one (19 now). We have 2 beautiful grandkids too. I just cannot get past this hurt. I don't want to divorce as I went through this once before. I know Michelle is all for not divorcing if you don't want to. I want to call a DB Coach but can't quite yet; maybe I'll take a loan:) So why, why can't I go one day without this pain and crying about this? I count the weeks (21 so far) and I go out with friends now but I still am so hurt by everything that it consumes me. I was calling and begging for a long time but I've stopped that now. Now what? The kids don't want to see me sad all the time either.
Update: H FINALLY admitted to me today that he is seeing her. I knew it all this time but still had some doubts. Anyway I probably did the wrong thing by emailing her and telling her she is a whore, her young kids are suffering, she's a liar, etc. I had to get it off my chest cause she told me in May that I had it all wrong and it wasn't true. So I probably should have kept my mouth shut. Anyway..... What to do now? Continue the 180 I think. I'm still missing him a lot. This is the hardest. He also just happened to mention today via text that he took care of "family business" today, but would not elaborate. He then saiid it wasn't a divorce but I'm still worried. I hate this.
Welcome to the board.
Have you read the DR book yet?
Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Stick to this thread until 100 posts for your story.
Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
Use it wisely.
Knowledge is Power.
Cadet, I'm trying so hard to GAL. I work full-time and go to the gym and out with girlfriends; I try to keep busy. But when those weekends come along if i dont have plans or even most evenings I just fall apart thinking "what is he doing" or "we would be doing such and such". I read the books, see a life coach weekly and things did get easier but I still fall back into that deep, dark place of hopelessness. And I'm not by nature a down kind of person.
I guess I need time......still.
First, I'm very sorry to hear you've suffered for so long. No one deserves this, but most of us can relate to your misery. It will be hard for you to believe this right now, but it DOES get better. You WILL be your old self again. Quit dwelling on H and work on yourself, that's the key.
So why, why can't I go one day without this pain and crying about this? I count the weeks (21 so far) and I go out with friends now but I still am so hurt by everything that it consumes me. I was calling and begging for a long time but I've stopped that now. Now what? The kids don't want to see me sad all the time either.
If you're still in this state after 5 months then I'd say there's a very good chance you are clinically depressed. I hate recommending med's to anyone, but in your case it may be warranted. I went through severe depression and anxiety after BD and got on med's and they have helped immensely. I went from being a totally unfunctional disaster to being my old self in just a few weeks. I hope to get off the med's once my sitch stabilizes, but for now I'm sticking with them. You should definitely discuss this with you PCP and see what they recommend.
You have absolutely got to stop the begging/ pleading, that is just driving H away. It's pressure, and he doesn't want pressure. Read DB and/ or DR and make a list of 180's. Work on yourself. Your H may be in MLC, so you can only give him space and time for him to resolve his issues.
Good luck!
Cadet, I'm trying so hard to GAL. I work full-time and go to the gym and out with girlfriends; I try to keep busy. But when those weekends come along if i dont have plans or even most evenings I just fall apart thinking "what is he doing" or "we would be doing such and such". I read the books, see a life coach weekly and things did get easier but I still fall back into that deep, dark place of hopelessness. And I'm not by nature a down kind of person.
I guess I need time......still.
I can only tell you that how you feel is perfectly normal.
Take each day as it comes and try to enjoy them.
Certainly soon here in the Hudson Valley the leaves will start to change and it will be a a spectacular fall.
Go enjoy and try to keep your mind off of this.
As Another Stander said above don't be afraid to take antidepressants or St Johns wort as it is no sin to need these to get yourself through each day.
I can tell you for me learning the whys and howcomes helped at first and let me understand the process and what was happening.
It does not solve the problems but enables you to function each day.
You are going through the stages of grief because your marriage DIED and you must mourn its loss, it is harder than if your spouse really passed away because they are still living and breathing.
However you must not run away from this grief but figure out how YOU will combat it.
That is the part that you can CONTROL.
YOU
Don your oxygen mask and take care of YOU first.
That is the most important thing to do.
I can second (and third) what Cadet and Another Stander have said. All of these feelings you're having are completely normal and to be expected. My H left 2 years ago and I am still in the midst of it.
I am so much better today than I was in the beginning. I too thought my life was over, my children would never be happy, and constantly thought of my H. Weekends were definitely the hardest for me as well. All I can say is keep doing what you're doing. Friends are there for you to lean on. Keep making plans with them. Make plans early in the week so you have something to look forward to.
I know for me, going on antidepressants was probably one of the best things I could have done. No, life does not suddenly seem "perfect" because it's not but it definitely made my life seem brighter and helped pull me out of the pit I found myself in.
You will be OK. It sounds like you have many positives in your life with children and grandchildren. Truly now you can only work on yourself. Recognize and change the things in yourself that need to be changed. Own what part you played in your marriage and move on. Be the best YOU you can be. Will your husband come back? I don't know, mine hasn't. In the end though you will have found YOU and I bet YOU are pretty terrific.
Thank you all for your input and suggestions. I do feel better, especially since now I do know the truth, but it still is tough knowing that even if we talk to each other he still isnt coming home to me and his family. In my analytical mind I'm thinking that his new sitch cannot last. She's got young kids and our kids are grown. Why would a 58 yr old want to start raising someone else's kids? So I'm thinking it's all about the sex and when that fizzles he will come to his senses. So I exercise and go out sometimes with friends and go to work. Am I doing better than last week? I think definitely yes, but then I get into that "funk" again and really miss him. I have been telling him though that I have a joyful heart and I'm not angry anymore. He seems to react positively to that but its not 100% that way.
Yes, this is probably harder than if he had died. Im off tomorrow and I'm busy. Will try to be busy over the weekend too. Send hugs; I'll send 'em right back atcha!
Well figure, I've thought of anti-depressants too. Maybe I will talk to my PCP.
I just keep reading books and boards and I look at statements made about the probabilities of their return. I figure that this will fizzle; I don't see how it can survive. Wishful thinking? Maybe yes, but we have many years and they have little time and her two younger kids.
I also would like to know how people deal with holidays and families. Do people let their RA spouse come by and leave? Do they just not include them? My youngest is19 so he's not a little one. So many things to consider when you break up a family. Why is it so easy for them to walk away?
Why would a 58 yr old want to start raising someone else's kids? So I'm thinking it's all about the sex and when that fizzles he will come to his senses.
Don't try to figure it out or apply logic to it, it'll just frustrate you and not result in any answers. He's probably in the "dopamine" phase still. When you start a new relationship there's a big release of dopamine into the system, it gives you those "puppy love" feelings and blocks you from seeing things logically. It can last anywhere from 3 to 6 months, and when the dopamine release stops then suddenly reality hits home like a brick and you realize that the new situation is no better and may even be worse. Most affairs end within 6 months, this is why.
So I exercise and go out sometimes with friends and go to work.
Good! That's the right thing to do, GAL. At first you may have to force yourself, but the more you do it the more you'll enjoy it and want to do it just for fun.
Try not to think about whether or not he'll get over it. That will keep you stuck.
Create the life you want now.
Another stander......I really like that comment and it makes a lot of sense. They already had a break-up over the weekend because she found out that I was intimate with him over the weekend. He being the initiator. But they're "talking" again. Wonder what crap he's telling her. But I'm going to step back again and let it run its course. Good idea.
Everyday I say God, give me strength!
Snookee,
I am in the same boat!! It has been 6 months since I found out about OW but H and I have been off and on since until Aug when he moved out. I have 2 Ds and a baby on the way and he just left. I am having an awful time at nights and on weekends. I am thinking the same things as you, what is he doing and WHY is he doing this to our family. This past 2 weeks have been the absolute hardest, as we have had no contact and he has not tried at all to even ask how Im feeling considering Im pregnant. He really has lost his mind. He doesnt care about what stress he has put me in and my kids in. He has never been this selfish in the 20 years I have known him and I cannot seem to get over it. I was on an anti depressant, but had to come off due to pregnancy, so I am having to do this without anything to help me. I am so lonely, even though I have my girls, they are so busy with their friends now. They have taken this way better than I , but they still get to see him (when he feels like seeing them) and they get to talk to him too! I am trying so hard to do for ME and detach, but its been the hardest thing ever! I do agree that this is harder than a death...I would love to chat with you, seems we are feeling the same way...
Sweetbriar
goldfish5856@gmail.com
Oh Sweet.......I truly feel your pain. Thing is my kids are grown and they don't have to see me when I'm falling apart at home. You on the other hand have to be strong for your children and the wonderful baby you will give birth to. Yes it's hard and hurtful, but I'm getting somewhat to that point where I'm appreciating the blessings in my life. You need to also work on loving and caring for the most important people in your life. Maybe you should make an appointment also with one of the DB coaches. My appt. is in 2 days and I'm hoping that it will help to turn all things around.
And you feel free to write me about things. I'm nit the expert at this; well not yet, but I have an open mind and open heart. I will pray for your strength too.
Hi Snookee, I can relate too. I keep thinking that me and H have a long history and we loved each other so much, him and OW just have like...1 year history...(it's so long to me already actually) that I hope he will come to his sense....But I don't know, they happened during our roughest year, so.... I tried a few things and didn't get much result...I can only only work on myself now, I feel sad about it....but it's a good thing to me after all i guess. I'm still searching for ways to make myself better. Keep updating!
Snookee
I am trying to hard to be strong for my kids. They are my blessings and everytime I think he is out having a blast, I think that he doesnt have our kids, our home and the happy memories surrounding him. Although having this is hard for me some days, at least I have it:) I made the mistake of talking R with him today and it was more of the same stuff...that we don't make each other happy and that we are opposites...blah blah blah.. Dont even know why I attempt to be nice...I had gone 3 weeks with no contact and I should have kept it that way...it was just kid conversations and about refinancing our house that got the talk started....and it ended up to relationship talk....uggg...
How was your DB coach appt? Was it worth it? Problem with me is that hubby gives me little money, so I cannot afford to call:( I have to use any penny I have on my kids and I for our needs. I went from living a very comfy life to feeling broke all the time. But that is nothing compared to the broke my heart feels everyday...
I hope you are doing okay...fill me in...
Hi Sweet. Hope it's been an up week for you. Yes, I know very well about $$ problems and when H leaves, it leaves us with the kids and not a lot of resources. You'll do fine in time.
My DB coach session went well but it's a lot of what is in the books and its a bit more tailored because its one-on-one. I came into a few extra bucks recently so I put it into a few coaching sessions. I've read on these boards that the books are available at the library. Amazon may have used copies which is another option.
Believe it or not I had a little contact with H today which was better than the contact we've had the last 3 weeks. I've been leaving him alone and definitely have no intention of talking or emailing the OW about anything. When I told her in a fit of anger that her BF was having intimate relations with his W, that flipped everybody out. The biggest mistake I made in the 6 months that this nightmare has been! But you live and learn, right? So in the last 3 weeks I laid low and I did tell him that I would never betray him like that again, hoping that he'll be able to at least trust me again. Listen.....so HE can trust me! Sounds funny but if I want to work at our marriage I will have to accept his betrayal and apology.
And Nina, I feel for you too. A whole year living this bad dream that doesn't end. I guess we all have to keep DB'ing and work on ourselves and GAL. I hope that we all could soon look back at this time as a big bump in the road but that it'll teach us how to be better H's and W's. Hugs to you all!!!!
Thank you Snookee, I'm glad to hear that your contact with H went better. I agree, we make mistakes and learn, well, that's the best we can do anyway. I made two big mistakes during my not so long DB time...although, I regret them, I realized that I couldn't change them and I have to live with it and learn from it, it is hard! But I can feel that I will do better next time....I have no contact with my H right now... So, I don't know when my next time will be yet, but I hope I will be ready to not make mistakes again....I'm looking forward to it, and I so miss him (sigh...)
Hugs to you too, and I hope we will all be better H's and W's too
Ok, so here's what the mood was the last few days: crap! I'm angry at them both one minute and then I'm sad sad again. It's the weekends, I know it. I miss those nice days and getting in the car for a ride to a destination or to nowhere. So what did I do? I got in the car and drove. Started feeling just ok and then it hits me again. The why and the how could he and all those sad feelings. I try to listen only to happy music and that helps sometimes. So it carried over to today when I went to work. I pray and ask for strength and that's all I can do. Then I try to read. I'm hoping that something will change sooner than later. It's very disturbing because I want to see a change now. Oh my..... I know; patience. It's good to vent too.
Hi Snookee.
I'm barely catching up on your thread. I totally empathize with you. Over a year later and my H is still with OW. Many people would tell me that he would drop her after a few mos. Well he hasn't. Their R isn't what it was in the beginning but it's still going on.
My advice to you is to do what's best for snookee. Spoil yourself. You need to feel loved and the only one who can do that now is YOU! It took me over a year to realize HOW I needed to detach and as I'm doing it I feel so much better.
I hope the best for you. Keep posting. Don't let too much time go by to post. Many of us here will be by your side on this journey.
Over a year later and my H is still with OW. Many people would tell me that he would drop her after a few mos. Well he hasn't. Their R isn't what it was in the beginning but it's still going on.
So sorry to hear that. And your point is well made, unfortunately the odds don't predict every outcome. When it comes to people you just never know what to expect, nothing is predictable. I have a friend whose wife walked two years ago. She moved in with another guy a few months after the split and has lived with him ever since. Now she and my friend are reconciling after 2 years. They never did get divorced. You just never know what's going to happen in life!