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Posted By: Tinman My story, my progress, my hope - 06/07/12 04:52 PM
So not really sure where to start but I have been reading several different forum groups and really like what I have been reading on this one. A bit more positive and right now that is what I need.
My story is a little different than most I have read but a lot of similar situations. My wife is/was amazing. We both have kids from another marriage and we did marry a little quick but everything just felt so right. We married after 6 months together and have been married about 1 1/2 years. We are both professionals and both of us were basically starting over financially. She had a decent relationship with her ex and I have a very difficult relationship with my ex.
My wife is a child psychologist and has been tremendous for my kids and me. Our family’s blended together pretty well. Her family was very accepting of me and my kids and my family lives pretty far away so they really are not involved.
Our problems –
- Our main problem is my ex wife (We had been divorced for 6 years). She is bi-polar and very abusive to our girls and previously was to me also. At the time we started dating and then got married things were fairly calm in this area but once we were married or even right before we got married things started to heat up. I felt so bad for my girls and what was going on with the ex wife that I spent a lot of time on the phone texting and trying to make their lives more bearable. My current wife told me that on our honeymoon was when she thought that she had made a mistake because I spent so much time texting and answering calls from my girls. Looking back on it I do understand what she is saying and yes I should have handled it much different.
- My wife thought that she could make everyone’s lives better. She is such an upbeat person and everyone loves her so why not try. So she made contact with my ex wife and ended up going over to visit with her a few times. Things were great for about a month and then the ex wife went off the deep end and started causing problems and abusing the girls. It came to the point last July when my girls were with me for a few weeks for vacation and my oldest asked if she could go with my wife on her family vacation instead of going with her mother. my daughter and her mother had really been at odds and so I sent her mother a text and asked her if that was possible. My ex asked that my wife and I come over to her home to discuss it. We went over the next night and discussed it and my ex told us that my oldest was a cancer in her home and she wanted to give us full custody of the oldest in exchange she wanted full custody of the youngest. We could not believe our ears. Give up one child to save one. Needless to say we left. My wife’s heart broke. She started crying and said how any mother could offer to give up their daughter.
- So lots happened over the next few months including a number of CPS reports. A few by us and a few by the school and another one by the hospital. With all that was going on my wife encouraged I to seek full custody of my girls and I did but it has been very difficult and a very long process.
- Other issues ;
o My wife got sick with valley fever last October and could not shack it. This went on for about 5 months with no recovery. The Doctors told her recovery might not happen until she removed some of the stress in her life. As it turns out she ended up seeing another doctor and they put her one a different medication and within a few weeks she was pretty much back to being her. Unfortunately this was not until after she had already told me that she needed to leave.
o When we first got together my wife use to hang out with a group of people and I tried to blend into this group. It was a great group of people and I was kind of excited about having this. However, I am not a social butterfly and while I did enjoy most of the people in the group, for some strange reason my wife’s best friend did not like me. So any time we got together with them she would always make me feel uncomfortable. What was strange is that afterwards my wife would point out how rude her friend was to me and I did not really say much about it. Yes it was uncomfortable but my wife really enjoyed them so I wanted to try. As it turns out my wife knew I was uncomfortable and we stopped going out with them. It was a difficult situation and I even told my wife at one point that if anything ever came between us and caused us to separate it would be her friend.
o As it turns out in February my wife started to make contact her friend again and then they decided to have a girl’s weekend up at another friend’s cabin. When she came back is when she told me that she had decided to leave me.
o I certainly have my issues and things that she wanted me to work on but I was so consumed with the custody battle that I lost sight of what was really important. My new wife and family. I was miserable thinking about what my kids were going thru and not being able to do anything about it. The court system just keeps dragging things out and it just seems so helpless at times. I gained about 40 pounds in a year. I was overeating and spending way too much money on things we don’t need.
o After talking to her about all the reasons why she told me the main reason was because of the crazy ex wife. It is just too stressful for her and it is taking her away from her boys. She said at one point that without that in our lives the other things she thought we could actually work through but she can’t spend the rest of her life dealing with a crazy woman.
o I don’t want to down play my issues because I truly feel like I failed her. She told me that since I gained all that weight she was simply not attracted to me anymore. I was too needy of her and her time. She felt like my priorities were ex wife first, my kids second, her third and her kids fourth. I put too much of the decision making on her. She wanted me to make a decision about going after custody but I kept changing my mind because I was scared it would destroy our family and having her in our family was a huge benefit to my girls. They think of her as more of a mother than they do my ex.
With everything going on above I tried to kicked things into gear and felt sure I could make corrections and prove my love. I started seeing a counselor to work thru my own issues on the eating and shopping. I joined overeater anonymous, I started focusing on her and her kids, I started working on my weight (now down 35 pounds) and I have been trying to be strong.
I had hoped that we would she would stay in our home for a few months until the custody case was done but in the end it was just too hard. Living together, knowing that she did not want to be there and for her she felt like she was being forced to stay because she loves my kids and did not want to make it look as if I had an unstable home. But after trying to make that work for two months she decided that we needed to separate. She said that when she was done that she did not know how to get that back. I was heartbroken. As it turned out she found a house and a few days later I found two homes to look at. She saw the two I was going to look at and one was just a few doors down from the home she had just rented. She encouraged me to get that one so that the kids could be close and could spend time going back and forth.
We also agreed to try and work on the marriage and continue our date night. That worked and we had a few really good nights but that was while we were still living together. After we moved she has had me down for dinner with her and her kids and I have had her down but she decided that she would rather not do date night and has been spending a lot of time with her friends.
It is very hard for me to think that she is willing to through away something I thought was a life with someone I loved and who made me feel loved more than anyone ever has and to do it so she can hang out and drink with her old group of friends. She says she is not even thinking about dating and has no desire to be in any kind of relationship. She just wants piece in her life and to enjoy herself. She had a very long and sad marriage before me so I think she is very concerned.
I guess I have done all the wrong things. I have showered her with love and done everything possible to help her and to be kind to her but she says she feels like we are not equals. She said that she wants someone to be strong and be an equal partner in the marriage. It’s so hard to hear things like that when you are putting your own feelings aside and trying to make sure your once partner has everything they need. Her group of friends was suppose to show up and help her move into her new home but then someone in the group set up a birthday party for one of the main guys in the group (He has the money so everyone caters to him, kind of anyway) so they did not show up to help her and I did. She worked hard but I did the majority of moving her into her home. Then the next week when we were supposed to do our date night she basically stood me up because she was going out with her friends.
I want to think the best of her because really outside of leaving me and my kids brokenhearted I am not sure if I was in her position I would want to have to deal with a crazy ex and have it suck up all my time and energy either.
So at this point my kids go back and forth somewhat and we have dinner together in some form or fashion once a week but she really does not seem like she wants to work on anything to do with our marriage.
She did go with me to court last week and said that she would speak on my behalf to custody evaluators, so I am very grateful for that. We now have a final court date / trial in August.
About a week ago I went to her following Dr. Gary Chapman’s advice wrote down all of my problems and accepted responsibility for them. I told her that I wanted to reconcile our marriage and told her all the things I am doing to try and deal with my problems. She told me that she was really enjoying the alone time and being with her kids. She spoke about her being able to resolve long standing emotions about her mother and talked about her previous marriage and how she had made some bad choices in her life when it came to relationships. I asked if she was talking about us and she got upset with me and said that I want not listening to her as usual. I told her I was and really was only trying to understand what she was saying. She said that she was done talking about things but I encouraged her to talk a little more about just her life and what she is doing with the gym and her hobbies. She said that she could not live her life with my ex wife in it so we really needed to see what happens in August.
Now I am trying to give her space and let her heal and work on my own issues. I am not sure if she is just being nice and trying to let me down easy or if she is waiting to see if I get full custody of my kids before she decides if she wants to work on our marriage.
Just so alone and lost right now.
Posted By: Cadet Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/09/12 01:57 AM
Welcome to DB

Read the DR book
Read the 37 rules.

Keep giving her space.

You are on moderation right now have patience for your Posts to go up.

Knowledge is Power.
Posted By: Truegritter Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/09/12 12:48 PM
Tinman

Yes give her space and read the 37 rules on this forum.

First step is to begin to detach from your W. Right now all your emotions about why your W is leaving is keeping you from being able to make meaningful choices about your life.

You have to take a step back to see the big picture.

Just from your short introduction it seems you are much to willing to accept bad behavior from people (your wife's friend and your ex)without having clear boundaries for such behavior.

Why would you accept that?

Might be a good place to start by asking yourself why you fell on your sword.
Posted By: scaredsilly Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/09/12 01:27 PM
tinman, i am a second wife to a man with three children and it's very hard to be in that position. my H's children are all adults now and it is such a relief not to have to deal with them or their mother anymore.

it's good that your w loves your children but i can understand her relief at not having all the stress in her life that comes with you and them.

i think you will have to get your relationship with your xw under control and set some boundaries, yours and legally, as TG stated. doing that will show your w that you are serious about stopping the madness your x has put your family through.

your w needs to feel that she comes first. that is not something you can TELL her. it is something that you will have to SHOW her over an extended period of time. you will have to have great patience. give her time and space.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/10/12 01:18 AM
Thanks for all the advice. Cadet- I have DB on order and should have it any day. I already have a bunch of other books that I have been reading, 5 languages, Hope for the separated, winning your wife back, Love tactics, Love must be tough and soon to have DB added to the collection. I have read the 37 rules and a few other forums. It understands that there is no absolute right and wrong but there are some contradictions in some of the books. Some talk about setting up all these boundaries and being somewhat cold, while others like Gary Chapman's books talk about giving space, not pushing your spouse, not setting time lines, continuing to show them love with no expectations.
Truegritter, I appreciate you taking the time to read my post and provide feedback. I do get what you are saying but I am to the point that I think the bad behavior was mostly on my part. She had this group of friends prior and I knew all about them but she gave them up to try and make me more secure in our relationship. My kids and I were very needy and she gave and gave and I took advantage of that. Yes, I know that she has faults also but not sure it was fair of me to ask her to give up part of herself. She did not go out or see friends for over a year and she put her heart into trying to help my kids and me and in turn I was not there for her when she needed me. She has been so nice thru this whole process. I am sure in some ways it may sound like I am making excuses for her but her kids were getting the short end of the deal and I think that was a major part of her decision to separate. None the less I do get that I need to work on myself and focus on making my life better. My favorite quote I read on hear so far was "be someone only a fool would leave" Not sure who wrote it but it stuck!
Scaredsilly - Thanks to you too for your comments. It is good to hear from someone who might know her perspective. It is strange to think about all this stuff and realize home much pressure this put on her. A new marriage having to deal with blending kids on both sides, a crazy ex-wife, Custody battle and the financial burden that goes along with that and a husband that put so much in front of her. You are hit the nail on the head with the showing her that she is number one. I think that is the hardest part of this. I want to show her how important she is to me have tried to but at the same time I think instead it has come across as being needy and pushy but then how do I prove that she is "all that" when I don't see her.
We did have a nice time Thursday night. I picked up my girls and when we arrived home they text her to say hello (We only live about 6 houses apart). She came down to say hello and then asked about going out for dinner with her. We had a great time chatting and laughing. I kept it light and after I dropped her off she text me and thanked me for the nice night and she enjoyed being able to laugh. I responded back that I also had a good time and hoped that she enjoyed her weekend.
Lord give me patience!!! Again thanks everyone for your comments. It truly does help to get others perspective.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/11/12 12:07 AM
Journal entry: It has been a very long few days. No word but trying to be strong and give her the space it appears that she needs. I have been doing at least 10 miles on the bike every day and then on Friday I tried a crossfit class. I must say it kicked my ars but the people were very nice and it feels good to be doing something to improve myself. I would love to drop another 50lb and be more confident about myself and while I keep telling myself it is just for me it would be nice to get her attention ;-)
She told me a few months ago that she just was not attracted to me anymore. At first I thought what a horrible thing to say to your spouse but looking back at some of the photos over the last year I can't say I really blame her. I would never find me attractive in the shape I am in! In the beginning we were inseparable and constantly chasing each other around the house but I let the crazy ex-wife and all that drama come between us and it did a number on me. I tried to deal with it by eating. My wife has tried encouraged me for so long to do something about it and I have to admit she tried everything to reach me but all it did was annoy and push me away. So I started hiding it from her.
Now I am trying to deal with my issues with a C, joined OA, reading self-help books, communicating with folks in the same situation on this forum, started doing at least 10 miles every day on the bike and now I am going to join the crossfit gym and do that 5 times a week. If only I had tried to do some of this stuff sooner and really showed her how important she was to me. Hopefully not too little too late!
Posted By: Truegritter Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/11/12 10:33 AM
Originally Posted By: Tinman
but she gave them up to try and make me more secure in our relationship. My kids and I were very needy and she gave and gave and I took advantage of that.


Healthy people don't allow people to do that for them. It is a form of codependency.

Healthy people don't give up things they value for others sake. It is a form of codepency.

Healthy people are responsible for their own emotional happiness.

She gave up things hoping you would give something back or she felt her sacrifice was what was required for her happiness. And when that didn't happen, she resented you for it.

This dynamic that evolved in your M is something you may want to look at.

If you Google codependency you will find information on this that my be helpful. There is a book that is very good which I cannot name here because of the forum rules.

But it will help you do it "No more"
Posted By: sayitaintso Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/11/12 03:29 PM
Originally Posted By: Tinman
I have read the 37 rules and a few other forums. It understands that there is no absolute right and wrong but there are some contradictions in some of the books. Some talk about setting up all these boundaries and being somewhat cold, while others like Gary Chapman's books talk about giving space, not pushing your spouse, not setting time lines, continuing to show them love with no expectations.


I don't recall anywhere where it says to be cold. You can set up boundaries without being cold. You can also give space without being cold.

Keep posting. What are some other things that you didn't like about yourself in your marriage?
Posted By: Brit45 Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/11/12 05:44 PM
jumping in with a few thoughts...
Quote:
and to do it so she can hang out and drink with her old group of friends. She says she is not even thinking about dating and has no desire to be in any kind of relationship. She just wants piece in her life and to enjoy herself. She had a very long and sad marriage before me so I think she is very concerned.


-do it so she can hang out and drink with her old friends
I know you're hurt but do you see how you're minimizing and dismissing her desire for freedom and independence.

-she says she's not dating (a positive) isn't interested in dating (a positive) wants peace and happiness because she had a bad marriage before you (wants to heal from past hurts) and then you make it all about you and say are you saying I was a bad choice. No you didn't listen. You should have said I'm happy that you are working on yourself, I want you to have peace, this is validation.

Quote:
Now I am trying to give her space and let her heal and work on my own issues. I am not sure if she is just being nice and trying to let me down easy or if she is waiting to see if I get full custody of my kids before she decides if she wants to work on our marriage.

Good on giving her space.
She probably doesn't know what she wants right now. She probably just felt very very unhappy, unappreciated, and overwhelmed in the sitch.


SS and TG have given you some fantastic advice. Get "co-dependency no more". Read that not "winning your wife back" Let's be honest right now if she came back tomorrow not much would be different. My H told me that once and I didn't believe him, I pleaded. But I see it now...so so true.

Also google the drama triangle. It illustrates perfectly that your wife was attmepting to rescue the situation with your exW and kids and grew to feel victimised herself by the sitch.

SS is right you need to get that legal stuff sorted immediately. Get your house in order in that regard. If you kids are in a bad situation that should be your first and only priority for the moment. Trust me your W will respect that and respect you for doing that.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/11/12 07:39 PM
Sayitaintso – you are right; nowhere in the books does it say to be cold. I guess I am just struggling with how much contact to have or not have. She told me a couple weeks ago not to avoid her and another time I told her that I needed to let her go she asked why. So trying to give her space but to what extent, I don't know. I don't call her for a couple days and it feels like she is dissapointend in me but at the same time she is not calling me, so I guess I just answered it for myself. Hmmm...
She spend the weekend up at the cabin with her friends again this past weekend and when she got home my kids ran down to say hello. M asked my kids why I did not come down and they told her that I was trying to give her space. I felt bad and ended up calling. We had a nice conversation about her weekend and what we were up to. It is really hard to just let go when I am not sure that is what she wants. I think she wants me to still be there for her but at the same time give her space. I guess it might also help to understand that W is a psychologist and very good a reading people.

Brit45 – Oh my you are good! While it kind of hurts to read some of it, I know it is true. In the past I have gotten so defensive and worried about doing the wrong things, I either put up walls or end up making it about all about me (not meaning to but that’s what I am coming to understand). Really some great points that you have given so thank you very much! I will keep reading and posting and working on myself.
Thanks again for the responses. It is so great to get feedback from others in similar situations.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/12/12 02:26 AM
Truegritter - Thanks for the feedback and yes I agree on the co-dependency. Has always been an issue for me. working with C and reading about how to get past that issue.
Scary that the further I dig into my own issues the more I learn and the more I realize I have still to learn.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/13/12 12:00 PM
Journal Entry - So yesterday my W went to Las Vegas with her Boss for a conference. The day before my kids had run down to say hello and she was on her way out to take her kids for sushi. She asked us to come along and we did. It was a nice time but then it came time to pay and she was pulling money out of her wallet and she had about 20 one dollar bills and I laughed and said looks like you are ready to hit a strip club. She said well actually my boss said she wants to go to a male strip club while they are in Vegas. I was kind of shocked but tried to keep smiling. She said she did not really want to go but the two women that she was going with were very excited about going. Oh well, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas? I told her to go and have fun and she said thanks I will.
I have only been there once and that was to get married:-( I do miss her!!!
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/13/12 04:07 PM
Journal entry - So the day before she left for Vegas and after we went out for sushi her youngest 8 asked to come over and hang out with my kids and then her oldest 16 came over and hung out for a couple hours. I was thrilled because her boys, with good reason, felt left out when we were living together. This was one of her concerns that she felt like my ex-wife and her drama were first, then my girls, then her and her boys were fourth and that to her was unacceptable. I completely understand, her boys have a pretty decent life. Amazing mom and they have a pretty decent relationship with their dad so they really did not need me so I did not put the effort in that I should have. I have been trying very hard the last 3-4 months to give them more of me but it is a little more difficult to do as I don't see them very much and they are content to play xbox and hang out with their mom. I bought the 16 year old a small motor bike for his birthday with the intention of working on it with him. We have spent a little time changing the oil and a few times when he has run out of gas or had problems with it he has called me to come and get him and to help him fix it.
Anyway, when they came over to hang with us I was thrilled. W text and asked me to send them home so she could spend more time with them. Told her I was happy to see them but sent them home. I think if I could be a better father figure to them then that might also help plus I really do miss having them around and wanting to do stuff with me. Don't know what you have until it is gone:-(
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/13/12 08:51 PM
I put my wedding ring back on today. She took hers off about 2 months ago and I did not find out until she called me to come help her as she had a flat tire. She had also hid her relationship status on Facebook (did not change it to single just hide it)I was shocked and hurt. So about 2 weeks ago I figured I would do the same thing. I hide my relationship status and took off my wedding ring. I did it mostly to see if I could get a reaction from her. None!
So this morning I decided that I just am not to that point. I am still married and still very much in love with my W and hopeful for the future. I don't really care what she or others might think. Next time I take it off it will be because I am done. (Big talker:-)
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/14/12 12:21 AM
Any advice would be greatly appriciated. I need all I can get. Buller.... Buller.... :-)
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/14/12 12:03 PM
Bump
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/14/12 04:57 PM
Journal entry - Trying to keep busy and keep my mind off of things. I get up go for a 10 mile bike ride, come home get the kids up and drop them off at day camp, head to work, pick kids up, get them dinner, head to Crossfit class and then back home to spend a little time with kids before getting them off to be. Yet I just can't stop checking my phone hoping for a text message or checking this web site to see if anyone has left any perls of wisdom but I silence... Crickets...

the only part of my life that I wish would go away but keeps charging back is my crazy ex-wife. I am in the process of going after full custody of the kids. CPS has issued a report with some very concerning problems, the parenting coordinator has said that there are probelms that the court needs to address and the girls school social worker has made at least three calls to CPS yet a year later the battle continues. Summer schedules are always a treat. We each get 3 weeks of vacation. Every year is is another fight. Last year she actualy took her 21 days and selected one vacation day at a time and only on my days. So in one week if I had them Tuesday and Thursday then she would only use two vacation days and take Tuesday and Thursday. Had to have parenting coordinator tell her this was not acceptable. This year her parents decided that they wanted to take the kids to Hawaii and they decided it needed to happen during my time with the kids and it should not impact ex's 3 weeks. Parenting coordinator again told her no but she decided to object to parenting coordinators report and ask the court for releif. The court also told her no. But this little issue cost me about $1,000. So last night I finally put that issue to bed and this morning I find out that ex has filed for an order or protection claiming that I beat her up 6 years ago. I am so worn out. I have recordings of the times she is claiming these incidents happened so my attorney should be able to object and have the order dismissed but there just does not appear to be an end to this horrible situation. I totally get why my wonderful W left me. Right now I wish I could leave me too. I got the attorney bill yesterday for the summer schedule issue and last month was almost 2,000 and now this issue will be even more and we have not even gotten to the part were we go to trial.

Help!!!
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/15/12 12:17 PM
Journal Entry - really kind of ready to give up on this. I add entries and then by the time they get apporved they are still back on page 7.
kind of hard to even remember where I ended up my journal entries yesterday as i can't see them. Yesterday was busy.
My W, still in vegas at a conferance sent me a text yesterday
W- I have a huge favor. (Her ex) is going to bring boys to my house tomorrow afternoon, but I won't be home till at least 7:30. would you mind having them to your house for dinner? I know I don't have anything for them at my house.
M - Sure, I'd like to see the boys and sure girls will enjoy it too.
W- That would be great! Thanks! Have you seen how the pool looks lately? How is (famliy dog)?
M - We went over last night and (family dog) was good. Don't think the pool guy had been back yet but not sure. You having fun?
W- Of course:-) thanks for checking in on (family dog)...again!

So trying to keep things friendly and upbeat with no pressure:-)
Getting a little easier every day.

Now off for my bike ride.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/15/12 12:20 PM
Wow, I made it off of super-secret probation and my entry went right to top but I don't see some of the posts from yesterday. Hmmm maybe operator error on my part. Feel like dancing!!
Posted By: peringo Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/15/12 12:26 PM
Super-secret probation... lol. I think its really to teach patient at a time when you need instant feedback to calm your nerves....
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/15/12 01:19 PM
Yes, at times like these patients can be difficult to handle:-)
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/15/12 03:24 PM
Journal Entry - Yesterday turned out to be very eventful. Had the above communications with my W which was nice. I was also feeling pretty good because I had finally resolve summer visitation schedule issues with the ex-w. Sure it only cost me about $2k in parenting coordinator and attorney fees to get her to listen to reason but it was finally done. Now I can relax and just live.
So I get to work and I check the court web site to make sure no surprises with the ongoing custody battle. I almost feel out of my chair. She had gone to a different court house and Judge and filed and received and order of protection against me.
I immediately called my attorney and they forwarded the actual documents to me. So yesterday I was able to spend putting a response together so we can go back to court and object to what she filed. It is so obvious she lied too. She requested the OOP based on two situations. First is she made the claim that one day when I picked the kids up at 9am the kids let me into the home and I stole numerous items from her home. She made the statement in the OOP “The children admitted to CPS and Family Preservation Team that they let him into my house and showed him the hard drive to my new alarm system.” Thankfully I received a complete CPS report (all 136 pages concerning her) and on page 112 it addressed this accusation and said “Mother stated that the family preservation team confronted the girls about allowing Father into the home and the girls stated that they did not allow him into the home”. Busted!!
The second claim was that a few months back I met them at the hospital and I caused a scene. So this issue was not true either and yesterday I went to the hospital and spoke to the guy who took care of us and he actually wrote me a very nice letter stating that I was very polite and I did nothing but show concern for his daughter. Busted again.
What I don’t get is how any judge would have signed off on this pile of lies to begin with. CPS has been providing her services for almost 10 months and they recently substantiated abuse charges against her so I am sure she is acting out of desperation. I should also note that she is has MS and is on all kinds of pain meds that she washes down with an nice red wine and her mind and paranoia are out of control. My kids told me that she installed surveillance cameras inside of her house in every room so she can catch who is coming into the home and stealing all of her narcotics.
So I guess in short having to deal with all this craziness without my wonderful W by my side has really hit home how hard dealing with this is and a big part of why she needed to leave. Right now I really don’t blame her and wish I could leave me too
Next week we start the limited assessment process. People have really started stepping up and seeing what kind of person she is. Gives me great hope that on August 16th the judge will rule in favor or my girls and give me sole custody. At that point maybe W will be able to see that life will calm down and we can be a family again and I can get back to being the man she married, but better.
Posted By: vera be fierce Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/15/12 03:26 PM
Please make sure that you preseve the text messages you described above from her, which do not sound like someone who sought a protective order against her spouse.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/15/12 03:37 PM
Sorry for confusion. The text messages were from my current W who is the most kind and considerate and wonderful woman I could imagine. I am currently seperated from my current W and the biggest reason for that is having to deal with my absoulty evil ex-W. I know its confusing and hopefully this helps.
Posted By: vera be fierce Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/15/12 03:38 PM
Sorry - my mistake!
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/15/12 04:41 PM
No worries. it is a little confusing for me so I can imagine how it is for someone reading about it. smile
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/15/12 05:55 PM
I am still learning but now I know I need to hit the respond button
Scaredsilly - Thanks to you too for your comments. It is good to hear from someone who might know her perspective. It is strange to think about all this stuff and realize home much pressure this put on her. A new marriage having to deal with blending kids on both sides, a crazy ex-wife, Custody battle and the financial burden that goes along with that and a husband that put so much in front of her. You are hit the nail on the head with the showing her that she is number one. I think that is the hardest part of this. I want to show her how important she is to me have tried to but at the same time I think instead it has come across as being needy and pushy but then how do I prove that she is "all that" when I don't see her.
We did have a nice time Thursday night. I picked up my girls and when we arrived home they text her to say hello (We only live about 6 houses apart). She came down to say hello and then asked about going out for dinner with her. We had a great time chatting and laughing. I kept it light and after I dropped her off she text me and thanked me for the nice night and she enjoyed being able to laugh. I responded back that I also had a good time and hoped that she enjoyed her weekend.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/15/12 05:56 PM
Just learning so bare with me.
Brit45 – Oh my you are good! While it kind of hurts to read some of it, I know it is true. In the past I have gotten so defensive and worried about doing the wrong things, I either put up walls or end up making it about all about me (not meaning to but that’s what I am coming to understand). Really some great points that you have given so thank you very much! I will keep reading and posting and working on myself.
Thanks again for the responses. It is so great to get feedback from others in similar situations.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/16/12 12:20 AM
Sure missing my W tonight. Have exchange a few text over last few days but have not spoken since Monday. I know it does no good to think about it but kind of hard not to!
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/16/12 03:42 AM
Journal Entry - About ready to give up on this thing. feel a bit like I am talking to myself.
So today I came home a little early so that my Step Son's could come down and join us for dinner. My W spent that last 4 days in Vegas. She had asked yesterday if her boys could come down because she would not be getting home till about 7:30. So make everyone dinner and put a movie on and had a nice evening. Then I went in and cleaned up a bit hoping that I and my girls would get to see her tonight. She called about 7:30 and asked that I send the boys home. I told her that we would walk them home right after they finished dessert. I said that would give the girls and I a chance to say hi. She said that she was really tired but that was fine but it was more how she said it. So that kind of shut me down and I felt like and idiot.
I get I just invited myself down when I should have kept my mouth shut but my girls and I had hoped to see her. I said we would just see her later and would send boys home when the movie was over. She said thanks and that was that.
At least I was able to spend some time with the boys:-)
I never learn when it comes to love:-(
Posted By: Fightfire00 Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/16/12 03:48 AM
don't give up... you have hope... BELIEVE that you will over come and fix this and you will... positive thoughts result in positive actions... keep at it... I believe in you... we all have the same struggles... you are not alone... have faith, be good and stay safe...
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/16/12 04:47 AM
Thanks I needed that!
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/16/12 02:33 PM
This morning I had just returned from my 15 mile bike ride and was washing down my bike when my W drove by (she only lives 5 houses down) and she stopped. I went over and gave her a hug. We chatted for about 15 min. It was a good conversation she was telling me about her trip to Vegas and then she mentioned that she was going over to her friends house for a big barbaque they were doing on sunday. It kind of hit me that Sunday was Fathers day and I guess I had hoped she would want to spend time with us:-( On Mothers day I went down to her house and made a big dinner for her and her boys. I know I should not do things and expect something be done in return but it still stings.
It was a bit the same on her boys birthdays we went all out and I spent about $500 and she bought him a new computer on the 16 year old and I spent $200 and she spent prob $500 on the 10 year old but then when it was my daughters birthday 2 weeks ago. She spent maybe $25 on hair ribbions.
I should not be making these comparisons and I am sure I am trying to over compensate and when I look at it trying to buy love.
Oh well live and learn...
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/16/12 09:35 PM
Advice anyone?
Posted By: peringo Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/16/12 09:50 PM
Don't be a disneyland dad... be the stress free dad.... the fun dad
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/16/12 11:27 PM
I agree. I wanted them to feel special but I am learning that my time is worth a little more.
Posted By: Fightfire00 Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/17/12 12:12 AM
I have found that my W has been trying to buy my kids happiness by getting them things all the time... this won't last... I instead only occasionally get them a treat as we used to do when all living under the same roof... I find at times because my MIL gives W money all the time, that I'm also working against their wallets and has become very discouraging at times... it's all about QUALITY, not quantity... you concentrate on making memories with the kids... not giving them gifts that will be forgotten in a year or two...
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/17/12 01:02 AM
My W invited us down to go swimming this afternoon so we headed down and hung out with them for about 1 1/2 hours. It was fun and I tried to keep it light. Tried to let her do most of the talking. She mentioned that I was looking thinner and was giving me glimpses of her tan lines and flipping water on me with her hair:-) Kind of wonderful and painful at the same time. She gets my heart a pumping and then I have to go to my house:-( Was a nice time and we were able to spend some time with her laughing. She is off again for a girls night dinner at her friends house. She just got back from vegas with the same three yesterday so she is really making up for lost time. The other three women are married so I guess that is good. She can listen to them complain about thier husbands and think maybe she did not have it so bad:-)
Back to.....
Posted By: strongerthanever Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/17/12 05:41 AM
I'm wondering if you are so available that she isn't able to miss you? She seems to be throwing just enough crumbs your way to keep you excited. I think she takes you for granted. I also feel as if she is your source of happiness. Don't do that to yourself. I'm also betting that you looked attractive after your bide ride (party of gal), which is why she stopped.

W internal dialogue "he looks happy without me, let's see if I still have that pull". And then you reinforced that self talk.

I fall prey to the same "let down" of having to return to reality after seeing h. To overcome this, I have started planning something to do afterwards. That way I have something to look forward to, And nothing he does can take that away. Even if it's something as simple as taking my d2/3 for a cheap ice cream, it's still something.

I'm sry if I seemed harsh, I just don't see her waking up with you so active in the picture.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/17/12 12:45 PM
Hi jamiegarcia333,

You did not come across as harsh and I am grateful for comments. I look forward to getting comments from this forum almost as much as I do from my W. Thanks for the input. She has been my source of happiness. It is starting to get easier to put thoughts of her aside and get out and gal. In the last month I have stopped making any comments about the status of the M, I have stopped sending small gifts, notes or texts. I try and have it so if there is any communication between us she is the one that has to initiate it. I guess I am maybe still a little too available and eager to please. Kind of hard to know where to draw the line and it makes it even more difficult having her and my kids running back and forth between homes.
I do feel like when we do get together, maybe 2 or 3 times a week things are good. We laugh and chat and just kind of enjoy ourselves.
I think one of the biggest things I can do for myself is get myself back in shape so that I look good and have more confidence. She said something yesterday about my looking thinner so good to hear:-) again thanks for the feedback.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/17/12 02:56 PM
Journal - Just finished a 20 mile bike ride and kids have yet to get up. Anyway, was doing a lot of thinking about how much I should let W go. I know every situation is a bit different. With my W she gave so much in our short M. I counted on her for so much including dealing with my crazy ex and the abuse she puts my girls thru. So in the end she separated from me partly because she was exhausted and felt like her and her boys were getting the short end of the deal. They were and that is my fault. My W jumped in and thought she could fix everything and I let her and then reality hit and she realized that she can't fix a crazy ex and I was not giving her what she needed to make her feel loved.
She has made a few comments in the past about how she fully expects me to jump into the next relationship and she will never go there again.
So in my mind I need to be there for her. She expects me to go out and start sleeping around and I need to show her that I love her for who she is not for what I think she can do for me.
So for right now yes I plan on giving her the space that she needs and be comfortable with that. I am going to work on myself physically, mentally and financially! Anyone need a realtor;-) I still love that line. Be the person not even a fool would leave!
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/17/12 06:12 PM
I did get a happy father's day text and a posing to my facebook say how luck the kids were to have such a great father:-)Sad the more I get the more I want... Still too needy I guess back to working on being happy being alone.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/17/12 09:09 PM
My W and her boys just stopped by to say hello on thier way over to a barbaque with her friends. It was nice to see them and she was all decked out. Again nice of her to stop by but kind of messed me up seeing her look so good! I miss her and hurt so much but trying to keep it inside.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/18/12 03:18 PM
Good Morning,
Not sure if my story just is not interesting enough, to much information, not enought information or if maybe I am just too needy (know that one already) but wow I just can't get folks to respond with advice. There have been a couple of very helpful comments so I should be greatful but really struggling and would love some insight from people who have been thru this before.
Thanks
Posted By: unbidden Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/18/12 03:21 PM
Sorry, Tinman, to hear that you are struggling. I think that you would get more responses if you asked specific questions for help. The posts that I've seen from you have just seemed matter of fact and not like you were asking for a response or particular help. Sorry that I misread them. Things do get better, overall, day by day so hang in there.
Posted By: labug Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/18/12 03:23 PM
I spent a lot of time reading old threads. I found posters who struck a chord with me and searched out their posts.

Even tho we think we need "personal" advice and that is nice,all our situations are similar in the major things so advice given to others can be helpful.

Currently, Accuray posts great stuff, True Gritter, Mach1, 25. There are others but those pop into my mind.

Part of taking care of you is searching out what you need.

Good luck.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/18/12 03:32 PM
Funny I just read and commented on one of your other postings. I have been reading and searching but I have not found one that is dealing with a crazy ex and most tend to be dealing with EA/PA.
Good timing and thank you
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/18/12 03:33 PM
That is very helpful and something I did not realize. I will try and be more direct and ask specific questions.
Thanks again
Posted By: scaredsilly Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/18/12 03:51 PM
what have you done to get crazy XW out of your life? does your W know of anything positive happening with your R with XW?
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/18/12 04:14 PM
My W being a psychologist thought she could win over my crazy EW and provide for a positive parenting relationship. My W's efforts failed and once she realized how out truly mental and abusive EW is my W encouraged me to go after full custody of my two D's. I did and the custody battle has been going on for almost a year now. It has emotionally daring my W and me and has come between us. Progress is being made and we have our final hearing on August 16th. We have 135 pages CPS report that substantiated physical and emotional abuse on her part against my kids but even with that I am still concerned at what the court will actually do.
My W told me that she cannot go back to a life that includes my EW. So I guess that if I do not get full custody in August there is no hope for my marriage. So sad that it has to be like this. I still feel like if I could somehow become a better spouse that it would make up for this baggage that I bring into the marriage called an ex-wife.
Has anyone had to deal with this before? Am I just supposed to wait until August and hope the courts see what is going on?
Posted By: scaredsilly Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/18/12 04:21 PM
if you get full custody, won't you xw still get some visitation? like alternating weekends? and if so, won't she still be a liability?

have you ever thought of moving if you get custody? i know it's pretty radical but desparate times call for desparate messures...
Posted By: unbidden Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/18/12 04:24 PM
Have you asked your W exactly what she feels she needs about this? Can you do it?
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/18/12 04:33 PM
Moving is not an option. My W has two S's and she and her XH have a good relationship.
Yes you are right on the visitation. I am 90% sure the court will award sole custody to me but the unknown is how much visitation she will be granted and how that will work out. My W has been such a wonderful mother figure to my two D's and just don't know how to set up barriers to keep the Crazy ex from interfering in our lives.
Suggestions??
Posted By: Mach1 Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/18/12 05:08 PM
Was just reading your threads....

The first thing that jumps out at me....

Are the "but"s

What does that mean to you ???
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/18/12 05:34 PM
Hi March1,
Funny I had no idea I was so attached to that word. Appearently I am a But man:-) Going back and looking at the ways I have used the word but it would appear that I feel one way or act one way but in my head I know I should be going down a different path or that I already know the answer to my own question.

How did I do? Moer insite form you?
Posted By: Mach1 Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/18/12 05:51 PM
Sure ????




I don't know man, I just see you being very comfortable when you are the victim of another's behavior..

And the 'buts' kinda prove that.

Anytime there is a 'but' used , it discounts everything that was said previously to it.

I would be thinner, BUT they make doughnuts...

It is an excuse, to not do better in any situation. And I think that you use that to your advantage.

You are looking at your wife, to validate what YOU should do in any situation. Not only that, you are looking toward your Ex for the direction that you should move regarding custody.

I think that you placed her in a no-win situation. One that should have been finished before she was involved. She essentially married the both of you. ( you and ex).

That part, is over and gone now, and there is nothing that you can do to change anything about it. All you can do, is to move forward with a better set of tools to use.

I would like to see what your goals are...for YOU.

Something that you can work toward, that does NOT include another person.

Truegritter eluded to co-dependency issues...

What are you doing / reading to help you understand what that means ??

It's all too easy to commiserate, and stay trapped in the victim role....

Right up until the time when it is not okay anymore to do that. All you have to do, is to want to move past it.

All it takes is for you want to change that part of your life, and move toward it, instead of away from it.



So...

What are your goals ?

What would you like to see, that is for you ???
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/18/12 06:32 PM
Yes I realize the co-dependency is an issue. I have been going to IC a few times per month and she recommended a book. I was also recommended another book and I have that one on order. So yes I agree I am very co-dependent and have in the past used my W as a crutch in all most everything I do. Not sure how I am allowing my ex to give me direction on how to move forward with custody. If you meant my W then yes I did wait for her to tell me that she was comfortable moving forward with the custody battle. I have been thru this with my crazy ex for 7 years now and when I started dating my current W I had just let things go, I felt like there was nothing I could do. I spent 100k in attorney fees to try and make things right for my kids but I could not get anyone to listen. Now in a big way thanks to my W everyone is listening and I am very hopeful for the outcome but I also know that no matter how out of control my crazy ex is the court will still allow her some visitation even if it is supervised. So I am not sure that is going to be good enough for my W. That is why I need to try and plan for it and have some sort of boundaries set up to address it.

My Goals for myself –
- My weight – I have lost about 35lbs since first of the year. I have been doing at least 10 miles on the bike every day and joined a crossfit gym last week. So I am making progress on my path to drop another 50 lbs.
- Co-dependency – I need to learn how to be happy with me.
- Financial – The custody battle has pretty much ruined me financially which was also a major issue for my W. I am also in the process of changing directions in my career. I have been a construction manager for a long time and unless I want to move state to state I need to change careers. I am planning on switching over to Real Estate and home inspections. I now have a state license in both. My W is pretty concerned about getting these going and being financially viable. So I need to really dive in and make it happen because in 6 months the job I am on will be over and I will be left with little except a pile of attorney bills.
- Food / Shopping addiction – I have in past turned to food and shopping to make myself feel better. I went to my first EA meeting two weeks ago. So I am trying to work on this. I think a lot of what I am dealing with ties into the co-dependency and my low self-confidence.
- Social – I am better in small groups but just as comfortable staying home and hanging out. I need to get out and be more active and social. I have started contacting old friends and have started accepting invitations to lunch’s and get togethers.
- Custody of my kids – I am going forward with everything I know to do and hoping for the best. I was way too concerned about doing this even though I knew it was the right thing. Really not much I can do about this except hang on.
- Church – This has been a struggle for me. My W loved the church but was not what you might call super religious. I believe but it is so hard to let go and really truly believe. I have started going to church to listen to the messages and hoping it will sink in. I need to figure out how to open my heart and mind.
Ok so comments feedback on goals? I tried to be more aware of the buts!
Posted By: Mach1 Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/18/12 07:30 PM
Originally Posted By: Tinman
Yes I realize the co-dependency is an issue. I have been going to IC a few times per month and she recommended a book. I was also recommended another book and I have that one on order. So yes I agree I am very co-dependent and have in the past used my W as a crutch in all most everything I do. Not sure how I am allowing my ex to give me direction on how to move forward with custody. If you meant my W then yes I did wait for her to tell me that she was comfortable moving forward with the custody battle. I have been thru this with my crazy ex for 7 years now and when I started dating my current W I had just let things go, I felt like there was nothing I could do. I spent 100k in attorney fees to try and make things right for my kids but I could not get anyone to listen. Now in a big way thanks to my W everyone is listening and I am very hopeful for the outcome but I also know that no matter how out of control my crazy ex is the court will still allow her some visitation even if it is supervised. So I am not sure that is going to be good enough for my W. That is why I need to try and plan for it and have some sort of boundaries set up to address it.



I want you to read this again ^^^^^^^


Remove yourself from it, and give me an honest opinion of what you would say to someone that told you this about them self...




Quote:

My Goals for myself –
- My weight – I have lost about 35lbs since first of the year. I have been doing at least 10 miles on the bike every day and joined a crossfit gym last week. So I am making progress on my path to drop another 50 lbs.


Good for you...


Quote:

- Co-dependency – I need to learn how to be happy with me.



What are you doing to learn ?


Quote:

- Financial – The custody battle has pretty much ruined me financially which was also a major issue for my W. I am also in the process of changing directions in my career. I have been a construction manager for a long time and unless I want to move state to state I need to change careers. I am planning on switching over to Real Estate and home inspections. I now have a state license in both. My W is pretty concerned about getting these going and being financially viable. So I need to really dive in and make it happen because in 6 months the job I am on will be over and I will be left with little except a pile of attorney bills.



See "Custody of my kids" below


Quote:

- Food / Shopping addiction – I have in past turned to food and shopping to make myself feel better. I went to my first EA meeting two weeks ago. So I am trying to work on this. I think a lot of what I am dealing with ties into the co-dependency and my low self-confidence.


How are you addressing this ? By what means are you prepared to change this ?


Quote:

- Social – I am better in small groups but just as comfortable staying home and hanging out. I need to get out and be more active and social. I have started contacting old friends and have started accepting invitations to lunch’s and get togethers.


Small steps...and not something that will change overnight. Push yourself out of your comfort zone, a little at a time.


Quote:

- Custody of my kids – I am going forward with everything I know to do and hoping for the best. I was way too concerned about doing this even though I knew it was the right thing. Really not much I can do about this except hang on.



I think you should find a balance with all of this. Above, you state that you are ruined financially, and there is a gloom to your words. Here, you speak of the same situation with a vigor in your words. Which one is true to who you want to be ?

IF it is the right thing to do, then find a way, and don't complain about the rest of it. You are committed to this, right ?

Then stop whining about how you have to get this point and do what needs to be done.

What is it, that you are afraid of here ?


Quote:

- Church – This has been a struggle for me. My W loved the church but was not what you might call super religious. I believe but it is so hard to let go and really truly believe. I have started going to church to listen to the messages and hoping it will sink in. I need to figure out how to open my heart and mind.



Faith is individual....

Are you going to church because you want to go ?

Or because you think it will build a bridge back to your marriage ????

(P.S. - Notice the 'but' in that sentence. ^^^^ The 'I believe' becomes invisible to me)



Quote:

Ok so comments feedback on goals? I tried to be more aware of the buts!



The buts ???

Nah, you own them...

I can tell you this ....

IF you live your life with buts, then you will always have an excuse.

Watch your thoughts......

Thoughts become words...

Words become actions..

Actions become habits...

Habits become a life style...

Where are your thoughts leading you ????




"Oz never did give nothin to the Tin Man, that he didn't already have"
Posted By: sayitaintso Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/18/12 11:37 PM
Originally Posted By: Tinman
I put my wedding ring back on today. She took hers off about 2 months ago and I did not find out until she called me to come help her as she had a flat tire. She had also hid her relationship status on Facebook (did not change it to single just hide it)I was shocked and hurt. So about 2 weeks ago I figured I would do the same thing. I hide my relationship status and took off my wedding ring. I did it mostly to see if I could get a reaction from her. None!


Tin- I know you are going thru trial and error to see what will bring your w back to you and that is a learning experience we all here go through.

I would advise you to not do anything just to get a reaction out of your w. Do things for you that feel right to you without worrying about a response or reaction from your w.

If your w ever decides to return to you and give it a shot would you prefer it to be 100% her choice or would you be fine if you manipulated her into it in some form or fashion?
Posted By: sayitaintso Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/18/12 11:40 PM
Tin- I also battle with co-dependency and also how much space to give and I have been at this about a year.

This time and circumstance you are in is perhaps the greatest opportunity of your life to examine yourself and find out who you are and who you decide you want to be. Use it to the best of your ability.

And feel blessed to know that Mach^^^ is posting to you early on in this. His wisdom is priceless!
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/19/12 12:24 AM
Wow Mach1 you have given me a lot to think about.
To address a few of your comments
- I went back and read it again and tried to do it as an outsider but not that easy to do. Sounds like someone who needs to take control of their own life instead of letting those around him decide for him.
- Co-Dependency – I have started reading the book but right now not much.
- Food / Shopping addiction – I went to an over eater’s anonymous meeting. A bit of a bust but looking to go back to additional meetings and to listen and understand how to better address my addiction/dependencies.
- Social – Working on pushing myself out of comfort zone and yes it is difficult. I have some issues to address. Need to be a little more humble, less critical, less sarcastic, more open and accepting of others. Wow I sound like a complete looser!
- Custody of my kids – Being a father is one thing that I think I do well. My EW managed to mess me up pretty good. I know step up and be a man…
o I know that this is the right thing to do for my kids. I hate that it is tearing my W and I apart. In the long run I do know that this is the only shot I have at keeping my kids safe and my new family together.
o What is there to be afraid of- Loosing because if I can’t get the court to listen this time I am done in so many ways. My girls will have to keep enduring a physically and emotionally abusive mother and I will certainly loose the only woman who has ever made me feel truly loved! So yes I am a little concerned especially having been through this before.
- Can you help me understand the comment about owning the but’s.
o I do follow that it starts with my thoughts and that it appears that I am making excuses.
I can’t thank you enough for the time and energy that you have spent in corresponding with me on my issues.
I love the OZ line!
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/19/12 12:34 AM
sayitaintso. Thanks for the comments! I understand what you are saying about needing her to come back on her own. Sometimes I have it all straight in my head and feel good about things and then something happens and I get thoughts of her hooking up with one of her friends and it messes me up. She is such a good person but she has also made a few comments to me that make it sound like she fully expects me to start dating and she tells me that would be ok because we don't live together. Then I tell her I am still married and not giving up on us. She says she is not interested in being in a relationship again but at some point I am sure she will and those are the thoughts that get me down. I have not brought up anytihgn about us in over a month but these are the things we have talked about prior to learning to shut my mouth!

I know it is none of my buisness if she dates but for me if she starts dating someone then I will probobly not be able to deal with that and need to let her go for good.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/19/12 06:19 AM
My W came down to get her son who has been down at my house playing with my kids all day. She stayed and we chatted in the other room for close to 2 hours. It was pretty light I tried to listen more than I spoke.
She brought up moving forward with filing the seperation papers. She is trying to get a reduced payment on her student loan and in order to do that she has to show that she no longer has my income so it needs to be formaly submitted thru the court. I trust that what she said it true. I told her that what ever she needed me to sign was fine. I slipped and said that at this point I will willing to sign the seperation or divorce papers. What ever she wanted to move forward with. I said that it did not feel like to wanted to try and work on anything so either way I would do what she wanted. She said that was a whole other conversation for another day. Trying to remember what she said but it came across as she did not care either way. She said that the seperation papers would go thru quicker as the divorce papers took 60 days to process.
Anyway, I said to her that I would prefer doing the formal seperation because I have not given up on us. Not much of a responce but that little side track took about 5 min and then we were back to talking about anything and everything else.

I should have not said that about going either way on seperation or divorce. I need to learn to stop being so dramatic!

All in all it was a good chat. She volenteered to go to see the court appointed custody evaluator with me tomorrow. She said she knows that she will have to wait in the lobby but it would be good for him to see that she is still involved and part of the kids lives.
I love her and she is such a good person and yes I miss her. I did not her any of those things even though I wanted to.
So how bad did I screw up?
Posted By: labug Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/19/12 12:11 PM
You really need to open a can of STFU when she comes around.

You know what you shouldn't have said
Quote:
I told her that what ever she needed me to sign was fine. I slipped and said that at this point I will willing to sign the seperation or divorce papers. What ever she wanted to move forward with. I said that it did not feel like to wanted to try and work on anything so either way I would do what she wanted.


A better thing to say might be...NOTHING. You don't have to make things better or easier for her. If she needs to do those things let her do them. Of course you won't sign anything without consulting a L, right?

Read Codependent No More book as soon as you get it.

Quell your need to fill the empty spaces in a conversation.
Posted By: Mach1 Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/19/12 12:26 PM
Originally Posted By: Tinman

- I went back and read it again and tried to do it as an outsider but not that easy to do. Sounds like someone who needs to take control of their own life instead of letting those around him decide for him.


So what part of taking control of your life depends on you ?

Oh wait, I didn't see the 'but'...

You are correct...it is not easy. It's also not impossible

Nothing in life that is worth doing, is ever easy.

It is the 'but' that allows you an out, when the going gets tough


Quote:

- Co-Dependency – I have started reading the book but right now not much.


I'm afraid to ask about this 'but'.....


Quote:

- Food / Shopping addiction – I went to an over eater’s anonymous meeting. A bit of a bust but looking to go back to additional meetings and to listen and understand how to better address my addiction/dependencies.


So are you going back ? Or is the 'but' gonna keep you away ?

Quote:

- Social – Working on pushing myself out of comfort zone and yes it is difficult. I have some issues to address. Need to be a little more humble, less critical, less sarcastic, more open and accepting of others. Wow I sound like a complete looser!


What I did early on, was to make a list of qualities that I wanted to show the world everyday. I wanted to be that person, and show those things regardless what anyone around me did.

My goal was to be that person, regardless the reaction, not to induce a reaction.

What do you want to show the world ????

Quote:
Custody of my kids – Being a father is one thing that I think I do well. My EW managed to mess me up pretty good. I know step up and be a man…


No...she didn't mess you up...

YOU allowed yourself to be messed up. There is a difference.

Stop blaming another person for your shortcomings.

So yea, step up and own your stuff....


Quote:
I know that this is the right thing to do for my kids. I hate that it is tearing my W and I apart. In the long run I do know that this is the only shot I have at keeping my kids safe and my new family together.


If it is the right thing to do...then stop F-ing around and do it. Do it for you, and nobody else.

If you do it for any other person, then you will allow them to dictate your life to you.

Do it because it is the right thing to do.


Quote:
What is there to be afraid of- Loosing because if I can’t get the court to listen this time I am done in so many ways. My girls will have to keep enduring a physically and emotionally abusive mother and I will certainly loose the only woman who has ever made me feel truly loved! So yes I am a little concerned especially having been through this before.



I'm not entirely understanding the process you are dealing with in court. Is this ongoing ? Has been for over 6 years ?

What is in bold....has already happened, so if you are fearing that....it's a little too late.

I'm not saying that it can't happen again, just for all intents and purpose......it's already happened.



Quote:
Can you help me understand the comment about owning the but’s.


I do follow that it starts with my thoughts and that it appears that I am making excuses.



I hope that you can decipher from the above comments what I am trying to get you to see.

Maybe it's time to get out the oil can Tinman.....

You aren't going to talk your way out of something you acted your way into....
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/19/12 08:09 PM
labug, Headed to the store for a few cans of STFU! Great stuff thank you!
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/19/12 08:14 PM
mach1,
I have read and re-read your responce and feel like I have had my ars handed to me and I am extreamly greatful to you for the advice. Very eye opening. We I saw all the but's I used even after I had tried to keep from using them I was shocked!

I still need to address a couple of your comments but really wanted to thank you!
Posted By: Mach1 Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/20/12 12:14 PM
Originally Posted By: Tinman


the only part of my life that I wish would go away but keeps charging back is my crazy ex-wife. I am in the process of going after full custody of the kids. CPS has issued a report with some very concerning problems, the parenting coordinator has said that there are probelms that the court needs to address and the girls school social worker has made at least three calls to CPS yet a year later the battle continues. Summer schedules are always a treat. We each get 3 weeks of vacation. Every year is is another fight. Last year she actualy took her 21 days and selected one vacation day at a time and only on my days. So in one week if I had them Tuesday and Thursday then she would only use two vacation days and take Tuesday and Thursday. Had to have parenting coordinator tell her this was not acceptable. This year her parents decided that they wanted to take the kids to Hawaii and they decided it needed to happen during my time with the kids and it should not impact ex's 3 weeks. Parenting coordinator again told her no but she decided to object to parenting coordinators report and ask the court for releif. The court also told her no. But this little issue cost me about $1,000. So last night I finally put that issue to bed and this morning I find out that ex has filed for an order or protection claiming that I beat her up 6 years ago. I am so worn out. I have recordings of the times she is claiming these incidents happened so my attorney should be able to object and have the order dismissed but there just does not appear to be an end to this horrible situation. I totally get why my wonderful W left me. Right now I wish I could leave me too. I got the attorney bill yesterday for the summer schedule issue and last month was almost 2,000 and now this issue will be even more and we have not even gotten to the part were we go to trial.



This post was just released last night, it must have been from when you were still moderated...

I understand better now.

So what IS the problem with this ? Is it lawyer speak that keeps getting twisted ?

Is it legal verb-age ???

I would think that the word 'consecutive' being in that statement would end a lot of squabble...

And 21 days ????

That is a LOT of time away from one parent or the other.

So explain this to me like I am 7 years old...

Why are you going for full custody ?


Just the facts, not a jaded view of it. (I.E. , my ex did this or that )

I'm not gonna smack you or anything, I just want to understand.

Why is CPS so deeply involved ?
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/20/12 03:58 PM
Hi Mach1,

To address your questions and don’t worry about smacking me if I need it. If I did not care about improving myself I would not be here and I would not be pouring out my life story.
- Why are you going after full custody –
o My XW was diagnosed with MS 15 years ago. She is one numerous narcotics and has been in a steady decline over the last 10 years. She is always tended to be very aggressive and basically mean. She did have good point to but I lost sight of those a long time ago. Over the last two years, since I remarried she has been spiraling out of control. The kids come home with bruises, the hospital, the kid’s school, my wife and I have all made calls to CPS. There are a lot of issues including my XW telling my 12 year old that she does not want her in her home. The really sad thing is that she called my W and I over to discuss things. The XW offered me full custody of the oldest in exchange the wanted sole custody of the youngest. My W’s heart broke that day! I of course said no and we left and my W said “How could any mother say that about her own child”. So XW tells D12 that she does not want her in her home and father does not want her either. She is flat out nuts!
- Why is CPS so heavily Involved
o During one of the visits CPS offered XW in home services and she accepted. So now she had additional people coming over to clean her home, make her meals, take care of her third child (Disabled) and in home counseling. So CPS has now issued a report substantiating abuse.

You are correct. The word consecutive would have ended that. That was last year’s summer battle with the XW and the parenting coordinator addressed the issue and said that they must be taken in 7 day increments. Perfect! This should have ended any scheduling problems.
This year XW decided that her parents should be able to take the kids for a week’s vacation also. I agreed to it as long as it was considered part of XW 3 weeks of summer vacation. XW refused and so we went back to parenting coordinator and then to court. Both ruled against her.
Every year it is something new and something totally unpredictable. I need to learn how to set up boundaries and not let XW interfere in my life if I am to have any hope of restoring my marriage with current W.
Anyone have a good suggestion boundaries with crazy X's?
Posted By: Mach1 Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/20/12 05:08 PM
What is the custody agreement now ?

Is it shared ???

If it is shared, what is the arrangement ???

How do you share that time ?
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/20/12 07:19 PM
We currently have joint custody. I have them about 45% of the time and XW 55% of the time.

Schedule is on a 4 week cycle.
first weekend both with me (Weekend = friday after school to Monday to school)
Second weekend we split them (alternate for some one on one)
Third weekend both with me
Fourth weekend both with EW

During school year during week I have Wed after school to Thursday to school.
Summer's I get Tue and Thur from 3:00 pm to 9 am. Pick up droop off at her home.

Clear as mud?
They other thing to keep in mind is that She has a 4 year old downs child and XW has stated that she sleeps 14 - 16 hours a day.
Posted By: Mach1 Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/20/12 07:40 PM
Originally Posted By: Tinman
We currently have joint custody. I have them about 45% of the time and XW 55% of the time.

Schedule is on a 4 week cycle.
first weekend both with me (Weekend = friday after school to Monday to school)
Second weekend we split them (alternate for some one on one)
Third weekend both with me
Fourth weekend both with EW

During school year during week I have Wed after school to Thursday to school.
Summer's I get Tue and Thur from 3:00 pm to 9 am. Pick up droop off at her home.

Clear as mud?
They other thing to keep in mind is that She has a 4 year old downs child and XW has stated that she sleeps 14 - 16 hours a day.



And the CPS recommendation is for you to have full custody ?


Is her time with the kids supervised ?


Do you have an appointed Guardian ad Litem ???


Does your parenting (full custody) plan for them, include your wife ? Or is this something that you are able to do on your own ???
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/20/12 10:39 PM
CPS will not make a recommendation in a custody case. They did issue a report stating that the children are in "imminent risk of being removed from XW home.

My parenting plans do not include my W. I need to plan as if I am a single parent right now and prob not a good idea to try and place any of that on her anyway as she has a career also.

I have suggested supervised visits but that is up to custody evaluator.

Can I ask you what your sitch is? I am so impressed with your insight on R and even how you peged me so quickly. Just curious who it is I am grateful to.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/21/12 12:41 AM
I am such an idiot! My kids text my W if we could come down and go swimming. She said sure and that she would join us. We had such a wonderful time yesterday and today it started out nice and we were pretty comfortable and I opened up a little. Some please sew my lips shut. We talked about some of what we were going through and that discussion evolved into some of what happened in the past which turned into her telling me that I push too much and basically ruin her wanting to be with me. 5 min before she was asking me to feel the muscles in her legs and then I made a comment about sex burning off lots of calories and she laughed and responded that she would keep that in mind. Meaning others. Thank kind of caught me off guard. I was like thanks a lot. She said oh you mean with you. Well that would be uncomfortable. I was like why we are still married. Her response was yes but we live in separate houses and are separated.
This lead to her saying I push her too much and in turn I said that maybe I am still trying to hold on too tight and was too needy but told her she has made comments about a few other guy friends and it concerns me (one of them all the time but lives in another state). She said she has been telling me all along that she is happy with her life as it is. She has her little house, her boys, her group of friends and she does not have to worry about us. She said I can’t just let things be. She is right, I miss her so much and then yesterday I felt like I was falling in love with her all over again and now I messed that up again. At that point she said that I was making the whole situation too difficult and she just wanted to go inside and forget about it.
I feel like giving up because it really should not have to hurt this bad!
Posted By: labug Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/21/12 12:44 AM
Duct tape or stop seeing her until you can pop the top on that can of STFU.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/21/12 12:51 AM
Not sure if I am to laugh or cry. oops too late!!! I hate feeling like this!! And she appears to be so happy with being single and going on without me/us.
Posted By: scaredsilly Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/21/12 01:36 AM
well, is she really without you? you live 5 houses away. your kids play with hers. you go to her house to swim.

your anxiety gets the better of you when you're around her. you want this fixed and over with. she's not ready for that.

when she said, "i'll have to keep that in mind", you were mindreading, "meaning others". you should have just laughed.

you keep reminding her of why she left. you need to remind her more of why she married you.

be fun, be happy, keep things light and playful. stop the pressure on her so she can stop resisting.

just my .02 worth.
Posted By: labug Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/21/12 02:18 AM
I had the same thought when I read this post,

you keep reminding her of why she left.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/21/12 02:47 AM
Hard to hear but understood and I am trying but then I get hope and blow it all to heck! Need to open that can or two of STFU. Sounds so easy to do and then insert my "But". Thanks for setting me stright.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/21/12 03:08 AM
Yes Mach1 I see that I used "but" after I said I try in the last post which totally negates it. Guess I better try harder!
Thanks for all your advice!
Posted By: labug Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/21/12 03:13 AM
2 buts

BUT

who's counting?
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/21/12 03:48 AM
Hi labug,
I saw that after i posted the last one:-( I know who is counting:-)
Posted By: Mach1 Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/21/12 11:37 AM
Originally Posted By: Tinman
I am such an idiot! My kids text my W if we could come down and go swimming. She said sure and that she would join us. We had such a wonderful time yesterday and today it started out nice and we were pretty comfortable and I opened up a little. Some please sew my lips shut. We talked about some of what we were going through and that discussion evolved into some of what happened in the past which turned into her telling me that I push too much and basically ruin her wanting to be with me. 5 min before she was asking me to feel the muscles in her legs and then I made a comment about sex burning off lots of calories and she laughed and responded that she would keep that in mind. Meaning others. Thank kind of caught me off guard. I was like thanks a lot. She said oh you mean with you. Well that would be uncomfortable. I was like why we are still married. Her response was yes but we live in separate houses and are separated.
This lead to her saying I push her too much and in turn I said that maybe I am still trying to hold on too tight and was too needy but told her she has made comments about a few other guy friends and it concerns me (one of them all the time but lives in another state). She said she has been telling me all along that she is happy with her life as it is. She has her little house, her boys, her group of friends and she does not have to worry about us. She said I can’t just let things be. She is right, I miss her so much and then yesterday I felt like I was falling in love with her all over again and now I messed that up again. At that point she said that I was making the whole situation too difficult and she just wanted to go inside and forget about it.
I feel like giving up because it really should not have to hurt this bad!



The next time you think that you can say something to change this...

Take out a butter knife, and stick it into an electrical outlet...

It will have the same effect on you.

Didn't 'thinking' get you here ???




I guess my first question would be..(see bold above)

Why are the kids asking her to go swimming ? Is that something that you wanted ?

Convince me otherwise, that you didn't use that as an excuse to be around her in some way....


I'm not sure you are understanding what distance, and creating mystery mean(i.e.-nothing to do with Scooby Doo). Or going down cheeseless tunnels, or 180's...


Did you read DB/DR ???

The 37 rules ???


You may not see this..

This is hard on her too. This was not an easy decision for her to make. Whenever you push her, you are rubbing her nose into it.

You are still there to remind her that you haven't changed one bit, and are still the same person that she wants to get away from. By you telling her that you still love her, all your actions are saying is....is that you still want YOUR way.

Your actions are screaming like a five year old at the Ice Cream shop. I want my way !!!!!


STOP....drink a large, cool glass of STFU, and listen to her, walk away first, create a little mystery. Let her come to you because she wants to, not because you forced her to....


Clear as Mud ???
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/21/12 01:08 PM
Clear as mud!

I have been reading the DR book but DB book appears to be coming from china as I ordered it 2 weeks ago from amazon.
My co-dependency book came yesterday so i started on the section on detachment.

My kids have a very good relationship with her and she has asked that I not interfere. The kids were the main reason we found two homes that were just a few houses apart. That way they can see each other whenever they want. It was actually her idea but now I am thinking it was kind of a stupid move in my part. Thought it would keep us close and allow us to work things out.

I had a hard time sleeping last night and it kind of hit me that things went south when I mentioned the guy she has been texting every day since she dropped the bomb. He lives in another state so I am sure there is no PA but guessing she has feelings for him. At this point really does not matter and I need to keep those thoughts out of my head.
Posted By: Mach1 Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/21/12 01:48 PM
Originally Posted By: Tinman

My kids have a very good relationship with her and she has asked that I not interfere. The kids were the main reason we found two homes that were just a few houses apart. That way they can see each other whenever they want. It was actually her idea but now I am thinking it was kind of a stupid move in my part. Thought it would keep us close and allow us to work things out.


Then let them have that. It doesn't have to include you right now.

Tinman says- I have some things I need to do, is it okay if I pick the girls up later ?


Then you won't have to sit there drooling over her in her bikini all afternoon...with a pup tent in your trunks...which BTW, is kind of creepy

You can DB from across the world, or you can DB from 10 feet away. The bottom line should be that YOU want to be different, sharpen your relationship skills, and make better choices.

Her living close to you, can become another , in a long line, of excuses for not doing better....



Originally Posted By: Tinman

I had a hard time sleeping last night and it kind of hit me that things went south when I mentioned the guy she has been texting every day since she dropped the bomb. He lives in another state so I am sure there is no PA but guessing she has feelings for him. At this point really does not matter and I need to keep those thoughts out of my head.



I fixed that for you ^^^^


Look buddy...

You are treating this as if it was over already. I can tell you that it is far from over. Although if you don't back off, and give some space, it will move quicker than you would like.

You have a crap pile of things that you need to address , and end, before you can fully invest yourself into ANY relationship.

You don't need to say that, you just need to live that. No excuses for not doing it. Just do it.

Once your legal battles are over, then you look toward the Sun, and move forward with everything else.

You don't need her, to lead you, in going after custody of your girls, which BTW...you had with another woman...

Saavy ??


As far as the legal stuff.....

Do you have an appointed Guardian ????

CPS will not make those decisions, although most judges will take their opinion into a stronger consideration than your average Joe saying it. The same goes for a Guardian that is appointed for the children.

As far as my story ????

It's on here, you just have to dig a little to find it...

Start with ...threads by DBmod a few months ago...




That is learning to fish isn't it Cadet ???
Posted By: cat04 Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/21/12 01:48 PM
Tinman,

Took some time to catch up.

You have quite a mess on your hands it appears.

I can empathize with your W. Dealing with a crazy X and child issues can be a huge strain. And while you WANT to understand and you WANT to accept, sometimes you also WANT to be the priority in your SO's life. Even if it is only for a few hours. And you also want to feel that your children are as important to your SO as his are to him.

Your honeymoon, was probably one of those times.

Her children having a good relationship with their Dad doesn't let you off of the hook from trying to form a good relationship with them either. It might not be a "father" role but you are her H and a male presence in their lives. Taking that more seriously in the future is very important.

I want to caution you about expectations. I see that you seem to have huge expectations regarding you winning custody and how that will affect your M. Right now, I would let those go. Just because you obtain full custody (and I hope that you do), it isn't going to make your X go away. She will still be able to crazy make if you allow her to. And I think your W is afraid of that. And I don't know if I think you having full custody is going to make her change her mind. She may view the situation differently and watch to see what actually happens, but it isn't going to be the miracle that you are looking for.

WHY?

Because there are no "magic bullets" around here. There are no tricks, no "if I just do this it will work" answers.

This takes work. This takes committment. This takes time and patience.

Originally Posted By: Tinman
I have showered her with love and done everything possible to help her and to be kind to her but she says she feels like we are not equals. She said that she wants someone to be strong and be an equal partner in the marriage. It’s so hard to hear things like that when you are putting your own feelings aside and trying to make sure your once partner has everything they need.


This stood out to me from your first post.

While it is important for a man to make the female in his life feel important, he also needs to be strong. Self assured. Confident. Not iron fisted or controlling, but in control. Women look for that in men whether they are consciously aware of it or not.

You have a few men with those qualities posting on your thread right now. Mach1, Truegritter...

Listen to them.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/21/12 02:18 PM
Hi cat04,

Thanks for taking the time to catch up on my mess. I agree that even if I get full custody, my XW will still be doing anything and everything she can to make sure no one around her is happy. I need to figure out how to set boundries with her and not fall into the traps I have in the past. I do think having full custody will make those boundries a little easier to set in place.

I have tried to step it up with her boys and I realize that I failed my W and them. So yes I get that now and guess I have been so "desperate" to fix things I have not taken the time to understand what I really need to do.

I am very greatful to all th folks who have offered words of encouragment, advice and a good ars kicking when need.
Posted By: Truegritter Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/22/12 11:37 AM
Originally Posted By: Tinman
So this morning I decided that I just am not to that point. I am still married and still very much in love with my W and hopeful for the future. I don't really care what she or others might think. Next time I take it off it will be because I am done.


A lot has happened here since you posted this and I have been off the boards.

I see my friends have joined you here...

Your ring is a symbol BUT not in the sense that you used to think. At least for me it became something different.

Instead of what it showed the outside world I saw it as a testament, a prize for what I was struggling toward.

I took mine off. I struggled with what did that say to others? My W?

I decided. F@ck em. My marriage was dead. Not over but dead. A new one was my goal or a new me. One would mean I would put that ring back on

WHEN I WAS READY TO DO IT.

If you want to quit then make sure you are doing it for your own reasons not becuase someone made you do it.

It is a difference between letting life and another's choice condemn you (victim and an excuse not take responsibility for your own happiness)

or

Surviving and thriving because you decided to do it.

No excuses.

Sometimes it takes standing in the fire of hurt and rejection to understand what love really means.

And how to love and take care of yourself.

That is no one else's responsiblity BUT yours.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/22/12 03:52 PM
Thanks Truegritter, I have gotten a lot of good advice in the last few days and while some on it not easy to hear it has been very helpful.
I agree with you on the ring and I choose to wear it. One I am not done and don't intend to give up so easily. The next time I take it off it will be because I am ready to and basically done with this M.
I still feel like we are supposed to be together. She is so focused on the negatives in the past and I am a bit jaded in that I only remember how good we were together.
She has some things she needs to work on and I have a lot of my own issues to work on before that part has a chance at moving forward.

Again thank you and the others for jumping in and pointing the way. Not easy trying to find ones way through this nightmare.
Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/22/12 05:35 PM
Let me point something out that I think got a little lost here.

I'm going to speak for Grit so if Imispeak I hope he corrects me, I also hope that if I got it right he'll mention that too.

He said
Quote:

My marriage was dead. Not over but dead. A new one was my goal or a new me. One would mean I would put that ring back on


I hope you understand that he wasn't saying he was done with his wife at the time. That he was moving on.

You can do that, I'll even cheer you on...after you give your best shot, if that is what you choose to do. Hell all these people will, if you give your best shot...but those accolades should mean...nothing. They're not the reason you do...anything, unless your an attentionwhore.

When he says that his marriage was dead? That he still wanted to be with his wife, BUT that it had to be with a new marriage, new boundaries, guidelines and commitment.

Sometimes a marriage is so broken? That it is better...not quicker, but better to build a new one, and let the old sick broken one...die. Sometimes you even have to kill it.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/22/12 08:01 PM
Thanks for the clarification,
My comments were concerning me only. I got what Grit was saying. I was just explaining where I was in the process. I have felt like giving up but as long as I think there is a chance at sharing my life with my W I will not give up.
Posted By: Truegritter Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/23/12 12:07 AM
Originally Posted By: Jack
When he says that his marriage was dead? That he still wanted to be with his wife, BUT that it had to be with a new marriage, new boundaries, guidelines and commitment.


As if he doesn't know me...

Yes THAT is what I meant.

Very good point to clarify what I tried to say.

I sometimes forget that you would have read my whole thread to know that is what I did.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/24/12 09:56 PM
OK so a couple of pretty good days. My W invited us down on Thursday to see her dad who was visiting (really good to see him) and then yesterday she was having problems with her computer and asked if I could come down and fix it then she invited us to stay for pizza and wine. Kept things very light and fun. So I have been very excited and then today she posted one of those sayings and says "Waiting for "someday" The picture says "Someday everything will all make perfect sense. So for now laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason." To me it came across as very sad and I feel like I have let her down. Wanted to post something like "Don't give up on us" or something along those lines but guessing I need to just shut up.
Any thoughts?
Basically she just told 550 of her closest friends that her life is in the toilet.
Posted By: reachingHigher Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/24/12 11:01 PM
Oh, Tinman, I wouldn't say anything. I don't read it the same way as you. Except she is just confused about her own feelings.

H & I are both big FB users and sometimes when he likes serious mottoes it makes me read into it too deeply. I asked him about it once, and he said he doesn't think too seriously, just types "like" if he feels that in that moment.

Your W may be much different, but IMHO, better not to respond. You don't need all 550 friends thinking some things about you, either.

Love the pizza and wine mixed with light and fun! makes a good memory to start the week on. Just forget about the FB thing. Years ago you wouldn't have had that window on her mind.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/24/12 11:45 PM
Reachinghigher, Thanks for the advice. I agree but nice to hear from others!
Posted By: sayitaintso Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/25/12 02:44 AM
I would highly recommend not responding Tin.

IMO, she seems confused but her issues are not for you to fix or worry about.

You have your own issues you are working on correct?

What are they again?

As far as FB goes, my w's posts began to trigger my emotions pretty severely so I stopped going on (after many times of getting stung). It was a pretty simple solution.
Posted By: jks Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/25/12 02:47 AM
You could also hide her comments or "defriend" her on FB so you don't have to see it if you do go on. Just a thought.

I had to "defriend" all of H's family and friends that were associated with his family. I didn't want to see anything that they were doing without me. FB can be killer.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/25/12 04:07 AM
Thanks everyone. It is so confusing for me! She has been so kind and we have spent time together as a family for the last three days in a row. It has been so nice!
Tonight her and her boys came down and I and my girls made dinner for them and we watched a movie. It was a really nice time and I tried to keep it light. Her good friend is out of town until Tuesday and her boys go on vacation with their dad on Tuesday night so guessing she won't be around much after Tuesday but at least we have created a few good times over the last few days.
I am encouraged but I really don’t know what to expect at this point. I feel like I am falling in love with her all over again and worried I am just setting myself up for another fall. Not to mention what it will do to my girls.
I know just focus on the now and be happy!
Posted By: labug Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/25/12 04:10 AM
Tin, I think you're definitely reading that thru your lens which may not be the same as hers.

I read the saying as being hopeful but that's my lens.

Who knows what hers is. Don't mindread, especially on FB.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/25/12 04:21 AM
I hope so labug!! You are right who knows what she was thinking when she posted it.

So greatful for all the feedback!

Tomorrow I have a phone call with the Custody evaluator and things are looking very hopeful in that arena. If I can get that part of my life under control then the rest will be easier to handle and it would be a huge weight off of both me and my W.

Really stinks going to bed without her and waking up alone:-( I so miss her!

Good night all.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 06/30/12 03:37 PM
The ups and downs are hard to deal with. My W and I have had a pretty good week. We have seen each other almost every day. Part of it is due to our kids. So Thursday was my oldest daughter’s birthday. We celebrated her birthday with my W and her boys a few days before. I took my girls on a short road trip. I extended an offer to my W and she declined as she was too busy studying for her psychology license exam. Now worries. So I took the girls tubing down river. Great day but the whole day I kept thinking how much nicer it would have been if W and her boys would have been with us.
We got home and my girls ran down to say hello. I stayed behind. Girls came home and an hour later she text and says she is coming down. She came down and we chatted and had a nice time and then she said something about being hungry and sushi sounded good. My girls were due at their mother’s house for a birthday party over there. So W and I went and had dinner and just chatted. She talked about her girlfriend and how things were not the same and how she probably ruined that relationship. I apologized because I know she basically turned her back on her friend because she thought that would make it easier on me. W also made a comment about how nice I was looking and she was really noticing a difference since I have been working out. Then she said it was too bad I did not do that while we were still married. Ouch!!! I said we are still married.
Then yesterday she had told my girls they should plan on coming down around 11 to go swimming with her. Then W friend called and she was gone. My W has been very kind and we have kept things pretty upbeat for the last few weeks. When these things happen it always feels like such a setback. When this woman called there are no worries about studying for an exam. If only I could get her to feel the way about me that she does about this woman. I have tried to befriend this woman in the past to no avail. She simply did not like me and made it more than clear to me and my W. Then of course I start thinking about just moving on because in the end even if she does come back how am I supposed to feel secure in a marriage with someone who is willing to just walk away.
So in short I guess she was feeling bad and needed me to cheer her up and make her feel better. I probably said a few things I should not have. I tried to kept emotional stuff to a minimum. After this exchange I was really encouraged. I really think without this friend and group of friends that W loves so much our M would have a real shot. What would be really great is if somehow there were some sort of balance not just all or nothing. Right now it appears that my W emotional needs are met with them and she does not have to work at it.
It is really strange to me that she acts toward this other woman the way I act toward her. Jumping at the chance to spend time with her and sad if it does not happen. W actually told me one of the reasons she thought they got along so well is that her friend thinks that she is better than my W. I just don’t get why such an amazing woman (my W) would be so drawn to another woman like this.
My W’s Father also sent me an email and he was very kind and said something like his daughter in one that truly needs the approval of her peers. I have a hard time seeing her this way and understanding.
I look back and it has been about 6 months since she has told me she wants a divorce. It has been about two months since we both moved but it feels like so much longer! It just feels like there is no way out of this mess and it hurts so much. I know I need to keep smiling and telling myself I am ok without her.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/02/12 02:41 AM
Tough day today. My girls left this morning for a week and it has been a quiet day leaving me to contimplate life and what should or could be.

I truly miss my W! We spent several hours together yesterday witht he kids. Had dinner and over all a good day. My W can be so playful showing off her tan lines and making inuendows. Basically giveing me hope one min and then a while later makes a comment making me feel like bad.

She has this group of friends that she hangs out with and yes there are several single guys that are part of that group. She made a comment about one the other day about how she did not have to worry about someone coming onto her because that is not how that group is. Then she points out how she shared a room at the cabin with this guy and there was not issue. Then yesterday she tells me how the night before she and this guy were sitting next to each other and comparing tans and then she meet him and his boys out so she coult do family photos for him. She was showing me some of the photos on her phone and she flipped one too far and it was of her in her new bikin pulling it down a little to show off her tan lines. She jerked the phone back and said she did not want me to see it. I asked who she sent that to and she got mad.

The thing is I am sure she is not involved with anyone but I know she likes the attention and when she got mad like that I know if is because she was being dishonest about the photo. She shows off her tan lines to me all the time so why would a photo of her doing it cause her to get mad?

Anyway, I get so confused about what she is up to. Guess it is none of my buisness but is hurts to see her act like this. I am pretty sure that if I found out that she was dating someone else that would be it for me. All big talk but I don't know how much more of this I can handle. I am trying to GAL and keep positive and I am sure everone here knows what I am feeling, this stinks!

I feel so empty
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/02/12 03:33 AM
I would like to say that I understand my W wanting to be with her friends as she is a very social person and needs that. I also trust her to be faithful. I knew that when we meet so it really should not be an issue for me. It would be so nice if there was a way that we could figure out how she could have both our family back together and her still keep her friends.
I now know that I can't let her give that part of her life up for me. Not sure she believes I am willing to do this.
If only....
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/03/12 12:38 AM
THoughts?
Posted By: labug Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/03/12 12:49 AM
Your W is enjoying being single. If that is upsetting for you (it would be for me)decrease contact.

Why is she showing everyone her tan lines?
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/03/12 12:59 AM
Thanks for the response labug!
I guess she is very proud of her tan! She said that the photo on her phone was only for her so she could see how it looked. I believe her as she never wanted that type of photo of her taken so I can't imagine her sending it to anyone. I think also she has low self-esteem so she is looking for praise where she can find it. Just guessing as she is the psychologist not me.

Maybe I am making more of everything that it really is. I don't know if she is trying to make me jealous or just oblivious to how if hurts me.
My kids are gone this week so really no need to talk to her this week. So I am going to try and let her initiate any contact.
Posted By: labug Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/03/12 01:09 AM
No, if it's hurtful, it's hurtful. The question is do you continue to allow contact that you find hurtful?

Only you know the answer to that.
Posted By: sayitaintso Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/03/12 05:12 AM
I see a lot of focus on your w Tin, what are you focusing on for yourself? GAL? Goals?
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/03/12 12:19 PM
Hello sayitaintso,

I agree with your comment. I have started to GAL. I have started ridding my bike at least 10 miles a day and when I have time farther (Sunday 32 miles), I joined a gym and have been going there in the evenings, I have been seeing a IC, reading self help books, and a few other things.

I think what I really need is a group of friends to spend time with. I have been invited out a few times but I dont want to go there. So not sure, maybe look at meetup.com.

Suggestions?
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/04/12 12:20 AM
Day three of not hearing from W and so bummed!
Posted By: reachingHigher Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/04/12 01:24 AM
That's really hard, Tinman! But congratulations on making it thus far.

I've only had one day where H didn't contact me & it nearly killed me (last week)! But the other two times he didn't contact me (in three months) I gave in and texted him. So I was proud of the one day!

But you've gone three days! Remember what jks said on her thread. "I can do hard things!" and you can!!!

I'm impressed with the bike riding. I do 8 miles twice a week & 18 on Sunday. You do 32? that's awesome. I used to cry on my rides but it's getting easier & now I enjoy it.

Hang in there!
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/04/12 01:10 PM
Thanks RachingHigher, About 30 min after I posted yesterday my W called. She made mention that she was craving sushi and asked me if I wanted to join her. So we went out for sushi and then went to see a movie. She wanted to sneak some Seagram’s in to mix with diet coke. So drinks with sushi and then the Seagram’s at the theater I was a bit snookered. I am not a big drinker and have not been like that in a very long time so maybe that was my 180 for the day? Cheap date I know. Lucky she was driving.
Anyway, it was a decent night. Then to end the night she text me and said “thanks for the fun evening!” to which I responded “It was fun! Thanks and I still miss you but I guess I better get used to it. Take care love of my life!” I then text her and thanked her for being such a good mother to the kids and sorry I failed her and that the room was spinning” to which she responded “focus on the light… it helps!”
So yes drinking and texting are not a smart combination and unfortunately there is no way to take that back. The evening left me wanting more and a little sad at how distant she was at times.
I just wish there was something to push me one way or the other. Like if I found out she was dating I think that would be enough for me to end things and move on. We have only been married for a short time and only known each other three years, we don’t have kids together (mine are very much attached to her and I love hers but her boys are not nearly as attached to me as my girls are to her). So I guess it would be easier for me to walk away than to simply sit in this limbo hell I am in, however, I truly think that we were, and could be again, very wonderful together.
I know any day she is going to come over and ask me to sign official separation papers and I keep thinking that would be a fair time to ask for some sort of guidance or timeframe or something.
Any thoughts on what if anything to say or just keep my mouth shut and my texting separate from my alcohol!

Off for a bike ride, only thing keeping me sain right now and not sure it is doing such a good job at that.
Posted By: labug Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/04/12 03:47 PM
You should have told her, "I'll bring my own drink, a nice cold can of STFU!"

:0
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/06/12 04:01 AM
So my W posted on facebook "Family is not always blood. It's the people in your life who want you in theres; the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile and that love you no matter what"
It has been another 3 days with no contact until I called and left a voice mail a few hours ago. She is taking the state lisence test for Psycology so I called her and said "I just wanted to call cause tomorrow is a big day for you but I know you will do great! Not that you need any but good luck tomorrow. Take care"

Her post makes me feel so bad. I am sure I should not read into it but I so want to be the one to make her smile:-(

Am I reading too much into this?
Posted By: sayitaintso Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/06/12 01:23 PM
I like the message you left her as long as you are not expecting anything in return.

Anytime you mindread and make assumptions is reading too much into it imo. You have no idea what she truly meant.

My waw's fb posts used to really trigger me so I stopped going on, maybe you should do the same, what do you think?
Posted By: Mach1 Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/06/12 01:27 PM
Originally Posted By: Tinman
So my W posted on facebook "Family is not always blood. It's the people in your life who want you in theres; the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile and that love you no matter what"


Sigh....

Look Tinman....

Her choice is to leave the marriage....

And UNTIL SHE CHANGES HER MIND....

Her choice will remain to leave the marriage...

I would expect that the reason her comments hurt so much, is because you see your failures in her words.

Is she right ?

Is that why it hurts ?




One of the reasons that DB doesn't support snooping, is because of the hurt that usually comes along with it.

Don't touch the hot stove....OUCH
Don't touch the hot stove....OUCH
Don't touch the hot stove....OUCH
Don't touch the hot stove....OUCH

Had enough ????

Stop touching that hot stove...



Quote:
It has been another 3 days with no contact until I called and left a voice mail a few hours ago. She is taking the state lisence test for Psycology so I called her and said "I just wanted to call cause tomorrow is a big day for you but I know you will do great! Not that you need any but good luck tomorrow. Take care"

Her post makes me feel so bad. I am sure I should not read into it but I so want to be the one to make her smile:-(

Am I reading too much into this?



She didn't post it to make you feel bad....I can assure you that.

Why is everything about you ?

What YOU want...

What YOU need...

What YOU feel...

What about what YOU can blindly give ?



Oh, and Tinman.....

Maybe you should oil your jaws a little less...????
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/06/12 01:56 PM
Mach1, Getting it slowly. Don't touch the hot stove! I did not consider the Facebook thing snooping. We both do the FB games and she sends game requests and vies versa and when she posts something it shows up on my cover just as when I post it shows up on hers.


As far as her post goes I am guessing it was more directed at her family, letting them know that her group of friends is more her family than they are. I did feel bad after reading it, mostly because I use to be the one she counted on to make her smile and now I have been replaced.


Maybe it would be better to simply not go on facebook. It's just been one of the few things that we are still a bit connected on. Hanging onto threads of what once was and hoping for what could be...


Very sad!!
Little less oil and multiple cans for STFU.
Posted By: Mach1 Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/06/12 02:16 PM
Originally Posted By: Tinman
Mach1, Getting it slowly. Don't touch the hot stove! I did not consider the Facebook thing snooping. We both do the FB games and she sends game requests and vies versa and when she posts something it shows up on my cover just as when I post it shows up on hers.


As far as her post goes I am guessing it was more directed at her family, letting them know that her group of friends is more her family than they are. I did feel bad after reading it, mostly because I use to be the one she counted on to make her smile and now I have been replaced.


Maybe it would be better to simply not go on facebook. It's just been one of the few things that we are still a bit connected on. Hanging onto threads of what once was and hoping for what could be...


Very sad!!
Little less oil and multiple cans for STFU.


For me....Snooping can be different things.

Let me ask you this....

Do you look at your Facebook, and deliberately search through and read her posts ? Hoping for an inside shot to be that special person in her life ?

If you do, then it can be considered snooping. But that is just me.

Point is....YOU are the one inflicting that pain onto yourself. You can't blame her for feeling what she feels, and you can't hold that against her. Is it true ? Maybe not, although it is HER truth right now.

It may not always be her truth, just for now ? It is....

IF it hurts you ??

Then don't do it....


Which one were you missing ?

The heart ?

Brain ?

Courage ?



I don't think any of them, although you could be the Scarecrow at times...

: )


Stop and think for a while, on whether or not your words and actions are bringing you closer to your goals, or driving you away from them before you speak or act.

SIAS is also correct on the expectations....

As long as YOU can smile through contact, and not do any further damage, then contact is fine...

It is all about your tolerance of pain.

For now, that contact seems to be more painful , than helpful...

Is it ?
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/06/12 02:47 PM
Thanks sayitaintso, It is a struggle for me as I am not sure what she wants or needs. I hear the advice on here to give her space and I have been doing that, even though it is difficult. Part of my difficulty is that my W does not believe that I love her, she thinks that I only loved what she could do for me and my kids. She has been amazing and yes I took advantage of her kindness (not purposely) by letting her do too much for us emotionally, and for that I am truly sorry. She thought she could make everything with the crazy ex all better and I let her try. She has reshaped my daughter’s lives and shown them what a real mother could be like. She gave of herself without getting what she needed from me. She wanted to be appreciated and loved for who she was and while I tried the best way I knew how, I did not give her what she needed. After reading the 5 love languages I feel like my eyes have been opened to what she really needed from me. If only I had read that book and understood before she decided she was Done.

For the first few months I was in a very dark place trying to figure out how to save my marriage and prove to my W that she is it for me. Add to that the initial crying, begging, groveling and playing the role of door mat. So yes I am sure I have lost the respect of my W but at the same time I feel like I need to be there for her to try and prove my love to her. My W is so worth fighting for, I just need her to be willing to stand in my corner again.

In the last few weeks I feel like I am in a better place. I have been keeping busy getting my life together, trying to be someone only a fool would leave. I have been reading every book possible, reading and writing posts on this form. One of the biggest helps has been the feedback I get from Mach1, labug, you and a few others. I go back and read the posts and yes sometimes I see that I am making the same mistake over and over. It is a struggle for sure.

I was not going to say anything to her about her test but I wanted to let her know that I knew it was a big day for her and let her know I was pulling for her.

Did I expect anything back from my call last night? Not really but sure was hopeful to make a small connection. She did text me but was pretty short and said she was very busy. She does not think she can pass the test today and is concerned.

Going over to an old friend’s house tonight to hang out so that should be a nice change of pace.
Thanks again for the comments, I can’t tell you how helpful they are and what a relief it is to hear how bad I messed up this time
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/06/12 02:59 PM
Yes, I do look at her facebook. I will sometimes even look at her photos. She has only ever posted one photo of the two of us on her facebook and once in a while when I feel down I check to see if that photo is still there. It is however she has hidden her relationship status. So yes I see your point and yes it would be snooping.

I would say I am missing all three most of the time.

I would also agree that most of the time I am dealing with self inflicted pain and that contact with her can be difficult. Even when it has been a wonderful time I go home and feel pain because there I am home alone wishing to be holding her in my arms and wondering if that will ever happen again.

I need to keep working on myself and try and be stronger and less of a snoop.
Thanks for the kick in the pants:-)
Posted By: Mach1 Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/06/12 03:15 PM
And for a Horse of a different color....


I see a REAL difference in your words lately Tin...

I see you making great strides in what you own, as compared to laying everything at the feet of every one else....

Keep up the good work buddy....
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/06/12 03:21 PM
Thanks for your words. I have to admit that sometimes they are hard to hear BUTyou are dead on and helping to open my eyes to my own issues. I am forever greatful for that!
Posted By: Mach1 Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/06/12 03:34 PM
Oh how you tempt me.....

: )







Maybe, eventually....

You can get through an entire post without mentioning your wife...

???????


Oh wait a second.....you just did.. !!!!

I would bet that four more words typed, would have put you there...


Take that bet ?


What is happening with your legal battles ?

Any resolution ?
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/06/12 04:40 PM
Four more words?

The legal battle goes on and on... We had a final trial/ hearing on August 16th and that was kind of the end date something to count on good or bad. Then two days ago I received a letter from the Custody Evaluator telling the court he needs at least 60 days to complete the evaluation and he wants to put court date out a month.

So now the court has to try and find a 3 hour block to set up a new court date and my attorney told me that it could turn into months and that she is getting court dates scheduled out into next year.

This is one of the things that is keeping W away. She can't deal with the emotional drain that this does to everyone involved and does not wat her kids exposed to it.

My hope had been that after 8/16 my W and I would be able to put most of that drama behind us, run off into the sunset and live happily every after. Is that asking too much;-)
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/09/12 03:08 AM
Interesting weekend. Friday my W had her big test to get her state license in psychology. That morning she sent me a text “This morning, I found a penny on the floor right where I step to get out of bed! And I’ve been fretting this test today. I never have coins in my room…they are always in my purse:-) good sign:-)” I responded with “You will do great. It does not matter what happens. Either way you are still going to be you and I think that is an amazing accomplishment” She responded “Thanks!”

I had hoped she would text me when she was done to let me know how it went but no such luck. I ended going over to an old friends and spending the evening hanging out.

So my W came down to my house the next morning and told me that she ended up going to the lake with her good friends. Apparently she got upset with her good friend because she was up there and everyone was going skinny dipping and my W said no she did not want to go. Her friends kept pushing her to do it and she got upset and left at about midnight and came home. It takes a lot to get my W upset so it must have been pretty bad for her to leave.

She asked me about my night and I told her I spent the evening with an old friend and she asked who she was. I told her she was an old friend that I use to work with her and her husband. At about that point my kids were asking about lunch so she left and I took my kids out. My W called me about 30 min later. She said she needed to ask me something because if she did not it would drive her crazy. She proceeded to ask me if I was out on a date last night. I kind of cracked up and told her no. I told her that I was just trying to get out and I thought it was funny that the first time I went out she got worried that I was out on a date but she has been out parting with her friends a lot and that there was a single guy in the group that she kept talking about and even shared a room in a cabin with him. She said she understood and that no she was not seeing or dating anyone.
So we kind of left it at that and that afternoon we went over to swim and out for sushi.

I think that was a good sign and so very proud of her for not being pushed into doing something like that. Made me feel a whole lot better about things!!

Any other thoughts from my forum friends?
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/09/12 01:03 PM
^^
Posted By: labug Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/09/12 01:12 PM
You talk a lot but you know that. smile

I don't believe in playing games but here,
Quote:
She said she needed to ask me something because if she did not it would drive her crazy. She proceeded to ask me if I was out on a date last night. I kind of cracked up and told her no.

I think "just getting together with an old friend" would have sufficed.

But it's nice that she's wondering. Have no expectation about that, just note it and move on.
Posted By: sayitaintso Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/09/12 03:06 PM
Originally Posted By: Mach1
I would bet that four more words typed, would have put you there...

Take that bet ?



Lol, don't take the bet Tin.

What's on your GAL agenda this week Tin?
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/09/12 07:52 PM
I am still not getting what that bet would be or what four words Mach1 was talking about. Sounds like you got it. Can you help a dim bulb out?

I am going to keep as busy as I possibly can! I try and squeeze in a bike ride before work which usually has me up and on the bike by 4:30 am so I can make it to work by 6 am. Then I am going to do Crossfit on M, W and Friday 6:30-7:30 . Tuesday and Thursday I have my girls so will spend time with them. Guessing will see W on Tuesday so kids can see each other and we can see kids.

I am trying to plan something for the weekend but not sure what. I was thinking about jumping in car and running over to CA to see the beach and maybe take my bike so I can do some riding over there. I have a friend that called and said I could hang with him this weekend. My W said she might take her boys to house boat this weekend with her friends. So I will definitely want to keep busy!!!
My goal right now is to focus on my girls and myself and hopefully keep my mouth shut;-)
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/11/12 01:59 AM
Well I tried my best but I guess I am done.
I have not spoken to W in a couple days and I picked up my kids this afternoon from XW. When we got home they asked if they could go down to see W and her kids. I said it was fine with me. They text her and went down to swim. I was not going to go down but she text and asked if I was coming down. So I went down. We had a decent time and then we were chatting and she started talking about her making up with her friend and telling me about this discussion she had with her. About how she was now a single parent and had no one else to count on and how bad her situation was. It broke my heart! One the fact that her friend treated her so bad again and she simply forgave her. I have never treated her like that yet forgiveness for me is nowhere in sight.
So anyway she is telling me all about this conversation and I have to look away because I am getting a little teary eyed and did not what her to see. Then she asks what is wrong with me. I said something like “I am sorry just hard to hear some of this as you talk about us in such finality” She said “I was talking about my current situation” and then she got up and said I guess I should have known better than to talk to you about it. Then she walked away and went inside.
I was dumfounded! I was hurt not trying to cause her any hurt but she turned her back on me and left which hurt even more.
So, I thought about it and I just can’t go on like this. I sit by and watch while she goes out and parties, drinks like a fish and puts herself in horrible situations. I just don’t know what to do but really I cannot honestly say that at this point even if she came back I could deal with how she is acting. I would love to have a balance of friends and family but she is taking things to such an extreme I could never deal with it.
Anyway I got home and yes in anger and frustration I sent her a very long text. Basically said that I was done. I told her I did not understand what happened tonight. I told her that I could not continue to let her treat me the way she has. I told her I loved her but I was starting to care enough about myself to know I deserved to be treated better. I told her that if she wanted to work on the marriage I wanted to but I could not hang out in limbo anymore and was not willing to accept the scraps of her life.
I am sure I will regret it but at what point do I say enough is enough. Figure your life out but I am moving on with my life.
Breaks my heart but I think the thing that put me over the edge is that I end up taking my hurt feelings out on my girls and it is not fair to them. I can’t be sad anymore and I am not going to be.
I will never marry again because honestly I could not go through this kind of pain again.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/11/12 02:01 AM
Mach1 I saw the but in the first sentence so I guess it may not have been my best:-(
Posted By: sayitaintso Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/11/12 03:16 AM
Originally Posted By: Tinman
I was not going to go down but she text and asked if I was coming down. So I went down.


Next time decline and tell her you are busy.


Originally Posted By: Tinman

So, I thought about it and I just can’t go on like this. I sit by and watch while she goes out and parties, drinks like a fish and puts herself in horrible situations. I just don’t know what to do


So stop watching her, stop checking fb, stop being judgemental of her actions and what she chooses to do. Give her the space she needs right now (and more importantly you need right now) to let her live her life.

Originally Posted By: Tinman

Anyway I got home and yes in anger and frustration I sent her a very long text.


Where are those cans of STFU that you purchased?


Originally Posted By: Tinman


Tinman
Member

Registered: 06/07/12


Tin- You have been reading threads on here right? And if not you should do yourself a favor because their is a ton of wisdom in other threads on here. You have been at this a very short time IMO.

If your over your edge and are done that I will support you but I think you have more in you, what do you think? Don't answer that before 48 hours.

You must focus on yourself Tin and stop focusing on your w. I know it is hard but you can do this.
Posted By: scaredsilly Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/11/12 11:56 AM
maybe she got upset because she was telling you about something that she was going through and you turned it around to make it about your feelings. you didn't validate her but invalidated her.

SIAS is right. focus on you. take your focus off her and be a better you and a better dad. stay away from her house...
Posted By: labug Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/11/12 12:31 PM
Originally Posted By: Tinman
Well I tried my best but I guess I am done.
You can be "done" at anytime, your call but you'll have other R despite what you say in the last paragraph. All these issues will come up again until you figure out why you do what you do.
Quote:
I was not going to go down but she text and asked if I was coming down. So I went down.
sias covered this. Don't be so available.
Quote:
We had a decent time and then we were chatting and she started talking about her making up with her friend and telling me about this discussion she had with her. About how she was now a single parent and had no one else to count on and how bad her situation was. It broke my heart! ...
So anyway she is telling me all about this conversation and I have to look away because I am getting a little teary eyed and did not what her to see. Then she asks what is wrong with me. I said something like “I am sorry just hard to hear some of this as you talk about us in such finality” She said “I was talking about my current situation” and then she got up and said I guess I should have known better than to talk to you about it. Then she walked away and went inside.
As ss said, do you see that she was sharing something that was important and painful for her and made it all about you? You aren't in charge of her friendships or who she lets into her life so it's not for you to judge.

You took an opportunity to listen, understand and validate and turned it into more of the same.
Quote:
I sit by and watch while she goes out and parties, drinks like a fish and puts herself in horrible situations. I just don’t know what to do but really I cannot honestly say that at this point even if she came back I could deal with how she is acting.
Again, not your role, she's an adult and can make her own choices.
Quote:
I told her that if she wanted to work on the marriage I wanted to but I could not hang out in limbo anymore and was not willing to accept the scraps of her life.
You've put yourself in that situation, don't go there every time she calls.
Quote:
Breaks my heart but I think the thing that put me over the edge is that I end up taking my hurt feelings out on my girls and it is not fair to them.

Don't blame this on your W-your feelings are completely in your control. This is where you need to dig deep, because as I said above you have other R (children, friends)and you will have other R, you need to figure this out or all your R will be troubled.

You can do this, but it's not as easy as saying "I'm done."
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/11/12 03:17 PM
Hi Say,

Yes I hear what you are telling me. I still feel like it was the right thing to do. I have been there for her anytime she needs me. I have been understanding and shown her nothing but love. While I fairly new to this forum I have been going thru this for 5 months. I have not always made the smartest moves but everything I have done has been to work toward us.

Over the last 5 months she has broken my heart over and over with no remorse on her part. She has told me that she was done and she has never been able to recover from done, She has told me she does not love me, she has told me that she is not physically attracted to me and the list goes on. She has made comments about my kids and how her kids are not as excited to see my kids. She started lying to me about small things, she has reconnected with old flames or want to be flames and is constantly texting them even when I am around. She is not the person I feel in love with. How can someone who is supposed to love you treat you with such disrespect? And why would I want to spend one min longer trying to save something that the other person has made clear that they want no part of.

I have spent a few hours a day reading the posts on this forum and yesterday I spent about 6 hours. It really is overwhelming how many LBS go on for so long only to end up with nothing. Yesterday I was looking for hope on this forum and really only found pain and hurt.

I don't want to fail with my W but I also need to take a step back and really let her go. I think my text to her yesterday did just that. I left the door to my heart open and clearly told her that I would like to work on our marriage. I also told her that I was moving on with my life. She knows how I feel about her. This whole process is about giving her space and now she has all the space she needs.

I am not done but starting a new chapter in my life. It does not change the fact that I love her more than I have loved anyone in the past (besides my kids) and my hope is that at some point she grows out of this and realizes that we were truly good together. Who knows what happens going forward but I am going to try my best to move forward and be happy no matter happens in the future.

Now I need a road trip for this weekend so I am not around to think about anything. Maybe out to LA and do some bike riding along the coast or maybe to the local bar to play out a scene from my now favorite Movie “crazy, stupid love” . If you have not watched this yet it is great for folks in our situation. Reminder to self, get rid of New Balance Tennis Shoes!
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/11/12 03:38 PM
Thanks labug and scaredsilly, I know you are right and grateful for the comments.

I am not sure how I could have handled the situation last night any different other than just to not be there. I was listening and trying to understand but the story about her and her friends just kept getting deeper and worse. This friend of hers treated her so bad yet my W just let it go (non of my business I realize). The part that I got chocked up on was when she was telling me about how W explained to her friend how hard life was for her. How her ex-husband (previous one not me) left her in a financial crunch and how now she is in this other situation that leaves her being a single parent and trying to make ends meet on her own. She talked about how uncomfortable it was for her to get naked in front of these 4 other couples when she is the only single woman there (that time). Previously she made it sound like it was something she was uncomfortable doing in general but last night it sounded more like she wanted to but because she was the only single person it would just be too much and also everyone else was already in the water and she had a one piece on so she would have had to strip out of it in front of all those other people.


I said very little. Yes I was hurt and got choked up when she started talking about us with such finality. It is hard to see her act like this.

You are both right in that I need to give her space and deal with my own issues. I still think that what I text her last night needed to happen. I told her I loved her but I was letting her go. I told her that if she wanted to talk and try and salvage our marriage I would love that. I let her go so I could stop hurting and being her door mat. I will still treat her with love and kindness but this will give me the space both of us appear to need.

I am sure after a few days I will regret it

Now for a long bike ride and a good cry!!!
Posted By: Rick1963 Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/11/12 04:45 PM
"Over the last 5 months she has broken my heart over and over with no remorse on her part. She has told me that she was done and she has never been able to recover from done, She has told me she does not love me, she has told me that she is not physically attracted to me and the list goes on. She has made comments about my kids and how her kids are not as excited to see my kids. She started lying to me about small things, she has reconnected with old flames or want to be flames and is constantly texting them even when I am around. She is not the person I feel in love with. How can someone who is supposed to love you treat you with such disrespect? And why would I want to spend one min longer trying to save something that the other person has made clear that they want no part of."

Tinman are you serious? She told you she doesn't love you. Stop chacing after her and begging for her love. It doesn't work. I got tired of the words "work on you and focus on you statements" but in the end it is the only thing to do.

Let her go.

Letting Go
Author unknown

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.

To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.

To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
...
To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.

To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.

To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To "let go" is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.

To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.

To "let go" it not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings, and correct them.

To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.

To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To "let go" is to fear less, and love more.
Posted By: sayitaintso Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/11/12 06:40 PM
Nice Rick ^^^^
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/11/12 10:43 PM
Thanks Rick,

I have printed this and plan to staple to my forehead so I don't forget!!!
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/13/12 01:15 PM
So need a little help in understanding something?
Yesterday my D ran down to say hello to my W (We only live 5 houses apart). Then later my W came by our house and she was all decked out in a new dress and looking oh so good. She said she was on her way out to meet up with her group of friends and just wanted to stop and say hello to me. I told her she looked great and she lite up. She does love the attention.
We chatted for a min or two and then she gave me a hug and left. I don’t get it. Two days ago I let her go. Told her I was done. Was it to show me what I would be missing?? Show me how hot she is and make me feel bad because she is now going to hang out at a bar?? I don’t know but It sure did make me miss her!!! Probably my answer. She is not a mean person but not sure how to take it. Guess it is a good thing she even thought about me at all.
Thoughts?
On another note I have no kids this weekend and plan on GALing my ars off. Even have a few offers but such a slippery slope.
Posted By: LostIn407 Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/13/12 01:57 PM
I would chalk it up to checking her position. She wanted you to see her looking good and see how you would react. There was no legitimate reason for it.

Remember when you played chase as a kid? You would outrun your pursuer and they would stop and give up. So you walk back to them to entice them and the chase starts again.

I don't think what she is doing is spiteful, showing you what you would be missing. She is just checking her position. If you react to her, she knows she still has you so she can move at her own pace. If you don't play into her tactics, she knows she is going to have to come closer.

It can be a good thing she came by if you play it right.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/13/12 02:36 PM
Thanks Lost, Childhood chase is a good analogy!
Posted By: Mach1 Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/13/12 02:45 PM
Originally Posted By: Tinman
Then later my W came by our house and she was all decked out in a new dress and looking oh so good. She said she was on her way out to meet up with her group of friends and just wanted to stop and say hello to me. I told her she looked great and she lite up. She does love the attention.



Imagine a world, in which you could STFU, detach while dealing with your crap. Give her time to actually miss you, and that was you, showing up at her door, making her feel that way ????

Not in a way to get her back, just in a way in which you were living YOUR life, not worrying about every little thing she does.


Oh what a world that could be....

If I only had a .......????
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/13/12 03:08 PM
Mach1 - You crack me up! If only…. I will work on my visualization skills!

Great start to Friday 13th! Thanks for the insight and chuckle!
Posted By: sayitaintso Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/13/12 08:07 PM
Your mindreading Tin. You will be unable to find the answer and its a waste of valuable time that you can be spending on improving yourself.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/14/12 03:45 PM
Good Morning!

Just finshed a 36 mile bike ride. Having lunch with an old female friend and then night out on town with buddies. Should keep me pretty occupied today.

Still miss her like crazy!
Posted By: Mach1 Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/17/12 04:06 PM
HELP ???

You have fallen, rusted, and can't reach your oil can ????

Pretty quiet in here Tin.....

Usually that means that you are doing really well...

Or you did something incredibly stupid..

Anyone wanna take bets ???

: )
Posted By: sayitaintso Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/17/12 04:59 PM
What kind of wager we talking about here?
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/17/12 06:57 PM
Oh my you guys crack me up. Yes big weekend for us. On Saturday I did my GAL and had a great time. Then Sunday after a little bit of recovery I received an invitation from W to go up North to a friend’s cabin with her and the boys. I accepted and we went up and had a great time. I spent some time with her boys and a lot of time with her.
Initially we kept everything very light and just enjoyed each other’s company. I was just going to go up for the day but she invited me to stay over and I did (separate room). The next day started out great. We went and did some exploring and then we went back to the cabin. We were having a great time (maybe I already said that) and I gave her a hug and she whispered in my ear that we needed to take it slow. I agreed and then she kissed me like she has not in a long time and that is all I am going to share about that ;-)
We did not get too far into everything but she told me she was so mad at me because I had been doing everything that she had been asking me to do. She said that she felt like I was only interested in betting myself because I was single. I explained that I realized that I failed her in those areas and I was addressing those as best I could. I explained that while I still felt like we would be together in the end I had to do all these things for myself and for all my relationships.
After this weekend I really think we are going to start working toward reconciliation and I could not be happier!! I am going to take things slow, giver her the space she needs and continue to work on myself.

Thanks so much for all the advice and feedback that kept me somewhat from losing my mind.
Posted By: roughenough Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/17/12 09:51 PM
Hi Tinman,

I feel your pain. I am sure you can agree this is one of, if not the most difficult things we’ve been through. Be proud of yourself for trying to do everything you can. Like yourself, I am somewhat newer to this board however that doesn’t mean I am not perceptive. To be brutally honest, I’ve read your thread and it’s very clear. YOU ARE NOT LISTENING AND IMPLEMENTING WHAT SOME OF THESE WISE PEOPLE ON THIS BOARD ARE TELLING YOU. I don’t think it’s sinking in for you.

You thank people for their comments. Yes, that’s nice to be appreciative but you’re not implementing what they are telling you, plain and simple. You will defend yourself by saying something like “I did the right thing” or “ I don’t know how I could’ve handled things any differently”.

The consistency of those comments is a direct reflection to my point, you’re not listening. A lot of your thread revolves around knowledgeable people trying to pound the same things into you. You get to page 14 on your thread and your STILL telling her how great she looks? Come on now, you should know better than that by now.

I am mentioning this because I think you are doing things that are making things even harder on yourself when you’re actually supposed to have the “working on ME mentality”. In other words, your being counterproductive. I know it’s rough my friend. I know it’s not easy. I am right there with you.

Roughenough

Me(M):38
W:43
Together: 14 Married: 11
D: 4 S:8
W wanted separation 5/5/12
Stopped living together 5/5/12
Currently in DB stage

“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude”.
Thomas Jefferson
Posted By: sayitaintso Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 07/18/12 04:30 AM
Pad the brakes Tin!!

I'm glad you had a good weekend and a seemingly positive interaction w/ your w but tread carefully here.

Don't let her know your game plan and don't talk about your changes. She will see them and more importantly believe them through your consistant actions, not by your words.

I wish you the best Tin but I warn you on letting your expectations get the best of you.

Keep working on yourself and give her space as you say you are going to do.

You've read the analogy of a squirrel on here before right?
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/09/12 02:44 AM
Well I am back.
It has been a while since I updated and it has been one heck of a roller coaster ride.

My W and I had about 2 weeks of being back together. It was like being on our honeymoon again. She told me how she wanted to work on us and how she missed us. She told me she loved me and knew that we were going to make it through all of this.
Then like started back up.

Strike one - My girls came home from spending a week with their Mother. We went down to my W house and went swimming. My oldest D who is 12 was spitting water in my youngest D face. I did not see it but my W asked her to stop. At that point my D12 swam over to my W and spit water in her face. My wife did not take it well. It was very disrespectful. I spoke to D12 and she apologized but damage was done. After talking more to D12 she said that her Mother had told her that if I won the custody case D12 would never see her or her half-sister 5 again. The court case was to be at the end of August so her mother had been extremely nice to her and she was crushed thinking that she would never see them again.

Strike two – Two days later I was served with and order or protection filed by my crazy X. Ended up going to court to fight it a week later and my attorney asked that my W be there. Just so happened that the court date was the second day of my W being back to work at school and she had to cancel a presentation she was to give and missed several meetings. Plus she was pretty freaked out thinking she would have to testify in court and deal with my X. We went to court and she came with me and was wonderfully supportive. As it turned out the Judge dismissed her Order of Protection because it was complete BS. One of the claims was that I was breaking into her home and she knew it was me because the toilet seat was left up. Really!

Strike Three – I had to meet with the custody evaluator and asked her to come with me. She did and again was very supportive. Then a week later the custody evaluator issued a letter to the court saying that he did not have enough time to finish the report before the court date and needed to push out the court date by one month. The court ended up pushing the court date out three months. So now this mess which was almost at an end was now going to continue for another 3 months.
To top all of my baggage off my W’s boys are starting to have problems at their father’s home. He remarried about 6 months ago and they don’t get along with the step brother and the Father’s marriage is strained and he is being very hard on boys.

So over the last month my W has been putting more and more distance between us. She stopped telling me she loves me and in the last two weeks I saw her once on labor day when she invited us down to go swimming. She has told me that she feels like what is going on between us and now what is going on at her x home she has let her boys down. She said she has to focus on them. She told me that they have told her that they are happier just being with her.

About a week ago I kind of blew up and told her that I could not continue to do this and I did not understand why she was pushing me away again. I told her I loved her but if she did not want to be with me then she should go ahead and file for D. She said she needed time and said she would make no decisions about us until after the court date in November and she would not do anything if her boys were not on board with it. She said that she would understand if I could not wait. At one point I told if she wanted me to be done then just tell me that she does not love me. She did not respond. I thought about it for a few days and sent her an email telling her I understand but it is very hard. I told her I was not giving up on us but I would basically back of until November. She responded that means a lot… thank you.

I have not heard from her in a few days.

I am back to DB’ing and keeping my mouth shut. Not very good at that but there is not really much I can do about some of these issues other than wait and see.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/09/12 01:44 PM
^
Posted By: labug Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/09/12 03:00 PM
I guess my question is what does "I'm back to DBing" mean? What did you do differently when you were together, besides the blow-up?

SIAS had a great quote above, Pad the brakes.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/09/12 03:38 PM
I don't think pad the brakes would have prevented anything. Everything that happened to cause this was something that was outside source. Kids, crazy x, her x. All those things would have happened reguardless of what I did.

As far as DB'ing goes. I have had very limited contact with her over the last two weeks. I am going to TRY and keep from initiating contact. I am going to step up the GAL. Still going to gym, going to church, still riding my bike most mornings and I am signing up for a class that starts tomorrow night. I took a new job about a month ago which is a lot more stable, I have started a side job and am in the process of trying to buy a home. Also trying to be a better father to my girls.
Posted By: scaredsilly Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/09/12 03:45 PM
IMO, you also must protect her from the drama that's happening in your life with your ex and your daughters. Stop taking her to court and other custody hearings. Don't tell her about what's going on with it. It's too much stress for her. It's wearing her out. She is feeling that her life would be better off without this especially, since she has her own problems with an ex.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/09/12 04:25 PM
I agree with what you are saying. This has been tremendously hard on her and our relationship. The problem is that she is my absolute best chance at getting the court to understand what is going on with my Crazy Ex! My W (Child Psychologist) pushed me to peruse full custody and without her involvement I have little hope of changing that situation. So my options are to involve her and try and keep it limited or to completely pull her out of the situation and most likely end up not being about to show the court what is going on with my x and my kids.

If I go down that road then my W will be gone for sure. She can not deal with having my x having so much control over our lives. Sure I can set up rules and guidleines about how we deal with that situation but my kids come home and it takes them at least a day to recove from being with thier mother and that is what is hardest on my W.
Posted By: labug Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/09/12 04:52 PM
Well Tinman, that is true, you couldn't have stopped those things from happening. My question had more to do with your comment that you were DBing again which led me to think you had stopped doing the things that were working. Maybe I'm wrong in my interpretation.

A lot of bad stuff happens to us in life, how we react or respond to those things is the measure of growth.

How were you reacting or responding?
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/09/12 05:19 PM
This past Thursday was when I decided I needed to start the DB process again. The previous couple of weeks I started to cut back on the amount of communication as she had started having very short responses and sometimes no response at all. She might follow up the next day and just say something like "the boys were having a rough day after being with their father so I just spent time with them last night"

I should also mention that about three weeks ago she started hormone replacement therapy. The first couple of days she had a lot more energy and was feeling much better. Not sure how she is doing now as I have so limited contact with her.

I think I am handling the other items as best as I can. She even told me that the way I handled the situation with my daughter was great but it did not fix the damage done. With the x and the custody case I have kept most of that on the need to know and for the most part unless it is a big issue, she does not need to know. However she keeps a close eye on things. She use to look at the court website every day to see if anything new had happened and she works in the school system so she hears a lot from other sources.

So the things I think I need to work on.
- Giving her time to work thru things but she has told me in the past that knowing I am not giving up on her has really helped her thru some of this. So trying to figure out a balance.
- Working on taking out my GARBAGE! Resolving or at least improving my personal situation. Health, finances and custody battle.
- Try and figure out a way to connect with her boys. This one has got me stumped. I have done something to try and connect with them but they are so content to sit at home with their mom. They really don't need anything or anyone else in their lives.
Posted By: Rick1963 Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/10/12 06:19 PM
Tinman good seeing you back here.....

"This past Thursday was when I decided I needed to start the DB process again".

This^^^^^ was your big mistake. DBing is a way of life that you don't put on hold when things get better. It is ongoing, behavior change that will be better and permanent. When you decide to not DB you go back to your old ways and come right back here...... Makes sense?

"I am going to TRY and keep from initiating contact".

Why are you doing this^^^??? If you are doing LRT technique YOU don't try YOU do it. K
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/10/12 11:31 PM
The part of db'ing I am back to is trying not to initite contact. The rest of my efforts I continued and still continue. I do know I have a long way to go and I can't stop working on myself. The part I did not do well was to jump right back into the relationship. She said she wanted to make it work. She even agreed to go to MC with me. I set up the appointment but by the time the appointment rolled around all these other things happen.
Today was good and bad. Miss her a lot but also realize she is doing what is right for her boys. I have to try and remember that. I need to remember I can't make her work on the relationship and I need to focus on what I can change/ improve (me). I am not giving up even though sometimes it feels like ti would be easier to do just that. She/ We areworth waiting for. I think that if I continue to work on myself and let someof this custody battle get resolved. Then see how thhings turn out.
I have been doing a lot of reading and also found a support group I am going to give a try tonight.
The hardest part of this is the feeling of hopelessness and that is something I need to work on. My happiness should not depend on her. Easier said than done.

I also think I need to work on some ways to connect with her boys. Any suggestions?
Posted By: labug Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/10/12 11:36 PM
Maybe you should focus on all the court stuff and let your W be on the back burner for awhile. You have important stuff you need to take care of.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/10/12 11:44 PM
Very true! Another 2 1/2 months before final court date and could take another 2 months before they issue the final orders. That is going to be tourture!
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/13/12 06:46 PM
Well it has been a very difficult few days.
My W was called by the custody evaluator and asked to come in to discuss my crazy x and the issues surrounding the custody of my 2 D. She told me she was going in on Thursday but did not want me to go with her. She was pretty stressed about it but said she was glad that they finally called her as she had a lot to share.

On Wednesday night I received a call from my oldest daughter. She was crying hysterically and telling me about an incident with her mother. She said that her mother had grabbed her by the hair and was practically lifting her off the ground and then jerked her head back and somehow hit her nose on her knee. She wanted to come home but there is not much I can do. She did not want me to call the police and I asked her if she would talk to the school social worker. I told her I would call and see and then call her back.

I really did not know what to do so I called CPS and informed them of what was going on. CPS has been involved before and has substantiated abuse against their mother in the past. After that call I called my D back and told her that I the school counselor had already gone home (it was 7:30 pm so I already knew she would not be available) So when I called my daughter was crying again and said that the police had just been at the house and spoke to them. I was confused as I did not think CPS would call the police. My daughter was telling me that the police told her that there mother has the right to hurt them but that they do not have the right to hurt their mother. I was shocked and then realized what had happened. Their mother had called the police and told them that my D had attacked her. So now my D is hiding in her room scared because the police officer told her that if he had to come back her would have to take her and put her in jail with other mean people. I was horrified.

I called CPS back and updated them on the situation.

I also sent an email to my attorney and the custody evaluator to inform them of what happened.

As my W was going in to discuss issues with the custody evaluator the following day I felt I needed to let her know what was going on. I called but she did not answer. So I sent her an email and later she called. It was a decent conversation and all about my girls. I expressed how grateful I was that she was going in on behalf of us and she said she was glad to do it.

So yesterday she went in and spoke to the custody evaluator and called me after and told me all about it. Again a decent conversation and all about the custody case.

Then last night my girls were home and ran down to say hello. When they came back I text her and said thanks for chatting with the girls and that they were really happy to see her. She text back and said she was done. She could not continue to be in our lives because it was just too stressful for her and she knew that no matter what happens with the custody case the girl’s mother would always be in the picture and she would always be left to pick up the pieces and she simply could not do it anymore. I was sick and could not believe what she was saying.

So that is where it stands. She wants both me and my girls to disappear from her life. My D could see how upset I was last night and said to me “Is ______ leaving us? She is the mom I have always wanted and now she is leaving us?” Broke my heart.

I text her that I could not tell my daughters that and that I will let her go but I will still hope she realizes what a mistake she has made.

So I left the door open and will simply stop any and all communication. Going forward I have to get through the custody case in November, be the father my girls need and keep working on me.

I just don’t get how a month ago she was able to tell me how much she loves me and wants to work things out and then cast us aside like nothing. Not really sure how to get past this and even if some miracle does happen how I can trust that as the first sign of rough waters she is not going to do it to us again.
Posted By: scaredsilly Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/13/12 07:30 PM
tinman, i'm so sorry you have to go through all this in your life. you are in a h3ll of a spot. right now, i think the focus should be on your daughters.

you asked how your W could "cast us aside like nothing". i can tell you my experience and maybe you will have more insight.

first, you have been married a short time. your wife may be thinking that if this is what life with you is like, she needs to cut her losses now and get out. too much drama. as much as she loves you, the life you are offering her is too stressful.

i've been married for 15 years and the "crap" that comes with my H's adult children (especially, his daughter) and his family make me question if we could ever make a M work. i've just gotten to the point where it's not worth it. and that's after a long history together and still loving him.

your W sounds like she still loves you but she loves herself, too. it's too much sacrifice for her to be with you now.

my suggestion is to get through all your custody issues before you try to have a R with ANY woman. at this point in your life, with what you have going on, it's just not fair to ask another person, especially one with her own kids and ex, to take on all of this and try to be happy with you.

what you're seeing is why subsequent marriages with children fail so much more than first marriages. it's very, very hard.

i wish you the best.

((((()))))
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/14/12 12:55 PM
Thanks Scared. It does help to here from someone that has been in her situation.
W emailed me a short email yesterday and said that I was mistake. She wants to keep girls in her life and will always be there for them. That was a bit of relief.

Then just now I was checking my face book and noticed that the number of mutual friends has been significantly reduced. She defriended my family. All except me and my two girls. So I went to her facebook (I know but...) and she has removed any photos of me or my girls from her albums. I have not looked at facebook in a few days simply because of this.
Posted By: labug Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/14/12 02:00 PM
I'm sure she does love you and the girls but she has to be a mother to her children and what you have going on is monumental. I think she's right to focus on what she needs to do, as painful as that is for you and your girls.

And it is probably breaking her heart but if she can't do it, she can't.

Focus on what you have to do. With the support your girls need it would be very difficult to maintain any R right now. Be there for them, they are in dire need of you.

Take care of yourself.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/14/12 09:29 PM
Thanks labug. I know what you say is true. It's just so hard to feel like this and to know that I have to let her go. I feel like she was my one chance at a life filled with happiness and someone I could share the rest of my life with.
It was so wonderful to hear her tell me that she loved me. To think I will never hear her say those words again is very hard. I know I will get through it but not sure I can ever have that kind of love both given to me and me to her.
Not to mention the loss of her boys. They did not connect with me the way my girls connected with her and that I am truly sad about.

Time will tell and I still have hope but I know until after this custody battle is over she will never return.
Posted By: Crazyville Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/14/12 10:17 PM
Quote:
I feel like she was my one chance at a life filled with happiness and someone I could share the rest of my life with.

The only way a reconciliation can work is if the LBS understands where the WAS is coming from, because until then, they can't begin to correct the situation. As much as you look at her as your chance at a life filled with happiness, she is looking at you as a guarantee of a life filled with misery. I can tell you from personal experience (I have 4 steps) that being a second W is very hard. However, the exW alone is not enough to tear apart a strong second M. What I'm reading in your posts is that YOU weren't there for her. You didn't protect your honeymoon. You didn't connect with her boys. You still seem to be very focused on you and spending little effort truly understanding how difficult it has been for her. You are hoping that she sees what she's doing as a mistake, yet if I were a friend of hers, I would be advising her to run as far and fast as she could. Just reading your situation makes my heart race.

I don't really look at her as being codependent either. I don't think she stuck by it long enough, and she removed herself by her own decision when she had had enough. I think when you love someone, you want to do things for them, and if you believe that they love you, that they'll do things for you too. It's simple give and take. When she ran out of patience waiting for you to fulfill your end of things, she stopped and left. I consider that healthy, not codependent.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/14/12 10:59 PM
Can you give me some ideas on what might help the situation and give her what she might need? Thanks
Posted By: Crazyville Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/15/12 07:07 PM
I'm sorry, but right now, she is getting what she needs. That's why she's doing it.

Generally, letting go of the WAS gives them the opportunity to get away from the chaos/stress/pain of the sitch and have time to reflect on what they're missing, remember the good parts. In your case, what do you think that would be? What would she be missing? (And your girls don't count as an answer.) What would she want to come back for? (And "because she loves me" isn't a valid answer.)

DB principles include doing 180's -- the opposite of what you did that they didn't like. You've listed one of the primary reasons for her leaving is the chaos imposed by your exW. But that isn't going anywhere. You can't do a 180 on your exW because she will always be there. Heck, the current custody situation isn't even over with.

Are you trying to care for your W or get her to come back? They are two different questions with two different answers. To the first question, caring for your W, I think you need to let her go for now, at least until the custody fight is over and you/she actually know what you're looking at for the future. If you're just wanting to know how to get her to come back, I'm not sure you're caring for her at all. This is where I said that until a LBS understands what drove the WAS away, there won't be any improvement. Caring for her means not wanting to put her in a situation that will most certainly cause her pain.

Before you can ask her to come back or even expect her to consider it, you need to create a safe environment for her to come back to. The middle of a court battle with a crazy exW is NOT it. In the meantime, you need to figure out ways that you can provide that. There needs to be a buffer between you and your ex. Perhaps part of the court order could be communication only through a legal mediator. Or you need to block her calls to your phone. Whatever means you can employ so that your W doesn't bear YOUR burdens when they're not hers to bear.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/17/12 06:29 AM
Heart broken. Tonight pretty much marks the end. So this evening after several days without contact I walked a few doors down to say Hi and drop off a couple of cards that my kids made for my W. When I walked up I noticed a car parked in front of her house but assumed it was neighbors, hoped anyway. As I walked up to the front door I could hear her talking to someone. I rang the door bell a few times and left. Then I text her and said that I had stoped by and could hear her talking but she did not answer door. Said I left a couple things that the girls had made her on her door step and if she had time the girls were asking to see her. She text back and said sorry but have a friend and her husband over for dinner. Maybe later. So the same car was parked in front of her home yesterday for a while but again really no big deal but it got me going and my mind to start spinning. Livng 5 houses down stinks. So I look out the window periodicly and a few hours later just a guy comes out and gets in his car and leaves. She then text and says if the girls are still up they can come down. So I am fuming and I walk down. I ask her what is going on. She said what I just had a friend over. I said you lied. You said it was a friend from work and her husband. He was alone. She fist said oh so you are spying on me. I said I could not belive she lied to me and that she is seeing someone. She said yes she has seen this person a couple of times but it is not a relationship. I told her I was heart broken and had hoped we would still work this out. She said that last week she realized that no matter what happen in court with the custody my crazy ex wife would always be in the picture and she can't live like that. So I cried a bit asked her to please give it some time and to not close her heart to me. I gave her a hug and said good bye.

Yes I did numerous things wrong as usual and guess I feel like I just need to move on. Focus on my kids. Just so hard to think that this woman that I love has started dating. In a way maybe I needed this to be able to let her go. Just so sad to lose all hope with something I thought would last forever. I know wake up, be a man, GAL and all that but I so did not see this coming!
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/17/12 11:52 AM
Sleepless night. So hurt with her actions. She had to know that living 5 houses away I would see or at least there was a chance of me finding out. Maybe that is why she did it so that she could finally end things. A month ago we were back and she loved me and wanted to work our marriage problems out now I just don't see any hope of ever repairing all this damage.

Not sure how I am going to handle this. At one point tonight I thought that I would write her father an email and basically say good bye and defriend everyone and her from facebook. But I know that give her family is Mennonite it would really hurt them to know she is dating and still married.
So sad and lost.

Truly did not see this coming! We had talked before and told each other that we would let the other know before we started dating someone else. Guess I had to find out the hard way.
Posted By: labug Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/17/12 01:12 PM
It's good you didn't write the letter. Seems a bit vengeful.

You have a lot to focus on right now. Do right by your kids and who knows what the future may hold.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/17/12 02:37 PM
W text me this morning and said she was moving forward with filing papers for divorce. Said she will file today or tomorrow.

In a way it is a bit of relief. Been working at this for 8 months now and not knowing being pulled close only to be pushed away again has been pure tourcher.

I will always love her but this kind of ends things. No more hoping that she will change her mind and come running back to me. Well i guess i will always have a little of that but not the nail biting waiting on the phone to ring kind of hope. Let go and focus on my girls.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/17/12 02:40 PM
And no i did not send the letter to her Dad. I was angry and hurt but i dont want to hurt her purpousely. Going to miss her family to but guessing it might make things easier for her if i just defriend them.
Posted By: Crazyville Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/17/12 02:42 PM
Sorry, Tinman. I know that must be tough. I hope the two of you can remain cordial for the sake of the kids, at least until the kids aren't interested in continuing a R anymore. It will also help with the D.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/17/12 07:13 PM
I think we will be able to remain decent to each other. So much hurt on both sides. She is a wonderful woman and I have no anger toward her. Hurt, sad and disapponted and yes I will always love her. That said I wish her nothing but good going forward. I will always be grateful for out time together. She has been a tremendous help to me and my girls going through this custody mess and I do realize how painful this has been for her. She needs to move on and I need to let go. This has just been too much for her and really it would be for anyone. I have to stop kidding myself. I will never be able to have a realationship while I am still dealing with my crazy ex wife.

Going to a divorce support group tonight. Was going last week but got side tracked. Really be helpful to talk to someone face to face and get a shoulder to cry on.

Going to be hard to go outside and see her new friends car sitting in her driveway. In the process of buying a house. Something I thought would help pathe the way home for her but now I am going to be alone is 3400 sq feet of heck. At least it will finally be a place my girls can call home.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/18/12 12:20 PM
Yesterday was very hard. As the day went on things got a little better. My mind was spinning all day about what I should do, how I should feel and in the end I guess there is nothing for me to do. I just have to move on and stop hoping for something to happen or for the phone to ring cause chances are it's not going to happen.

Went to a divorce support group last night. It was interesting and it helped. A lot of the people in there were coming out of very long term relationships. I only had 2 years into mine so I can't imagine going through this after being with someone for 20 years.

Thinking about sky diving this weekend....
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/19/12 01:12 AM
Stopped by my house today at lunch and my W was driving by and stopped to say hi. She text me a little bit later and asked if I had lost more weight and I was looking good. Exchanged a few texts. Then I asked her if she would consider filing for seperation papers instead of Divorce papers as I just was not ready to give up on us. Her responce was that after seeing me today she was having a hard time filing either one.

I asked her if she would consider dating me. Keep relationship with kids seperate and just spend time enjoying eachother. She responded Maybe.

Still some hope but after the last few days I think I know she needs to do what is best for her and I need to try and protect her from my custody battle and my crazy X.
Posted By: Rick1963 Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/19/12 01:33 AM
Tin you need to go back and read responses from Mach and others. Not saying to lose hope just have no expectations. Look we are trying for you to not hurt anymore than you have been. This is hard stuff. We care about you but it is so frustrating that u ask for advice and than ignore it. I'm going to leave it that.
Posted By: Crazyville Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/19/12 02:42 AM
I have to say that early on in my M when the ex/custody stuff was at its worst, I would have loved to have lived in separate houses and just dated. I knew it would have eventually been an issue, like when we had kids together, but other than that it would have been a dream. I don't want you to get your hopes up and read more into her actions, but if she's game for that, I think it's really a good option.

But then you can't drag her back into the ugly by providing her with all the gory details just because it helps YOU to feel better.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/19/12 03:09 PM
Rick,

I hear what hou are saying. I also know that every situation is different. Most of the advise and support i have received has been a great help. No i have not followed ever piece of advice but again it is advise and no one knows my situation better than me. Like the majority of people on here i try and do what i think is right at the time and take note if it worked or not. Yes i have let my emotions get the best of me. It is what humans do.

Two months ago she was back and ready to try again. The reasons she said she was back was because through out this whole situation i have done what i did. Yes she retreated again. Not because of something i did but because of what i did not do. I did not protect her from my custody battle and all the crazyness involved with that.
I am now following labug and crazyville advise and trying to provide my W with some peace and seperation from all that. I have taken there advise to heart and it has really opened my eyes as to what my W has been going through.

We all have to take the advice that feels right for us. If i screw up then i have no problem owning it and in the long run only time will tell. I am learning to be ok with that.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/19/12 07:04 PM
Thanks Crazyville! Your comments have been helpful! It made me realize how truly had this has been on her. I just did not get it. I thought that being married was having someone there to support you no matter what. For better or worse. But I have realized that involving her in any of it has been such an emotional drain on her and a crushing burden to her.

I have also made peace with the fact that no matter what I do at this point she needs to look out for herself and her boys. If that means she needs to completly end our relationship then I need to support her decisions.

For now I keep living my life and as Rick said above have no expectations.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/21/12 12:54 PM
So W called me last night and we chatted a little last night. She said she was not going to see this guy anymore as it made things too complicated. Previously she said he was just a friend she had meet and only been out a couple time. Last night it sounded like a little bit more but I did not want want to ask to many questions.

She said she did not know what she wanted right now other that to just be. She said at times she sees me and she thinks about being with me.

So something i am having a hard time with is knowing how far her relationship went. I cant imagine she actually slept with him but i dont know and can't stop thinking about it and what that answer might do to me.

Is that a fair question to ask or should i just keep my mouth shut?
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/21/12 01:29 PM
I kind of already know. What good will asking that question do. It will only bring more hurt to her and to me. It will most likely push her further away and I should just get over it and let it go.

That sound about right?
Posted By: labug Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/21/12 02:21 PM
Sounds right!
Posted By: scaredsilly Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/21/12 02:42 PM
Yep.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/22/12 04:00 AM
W called and asked me to join her and her boys for sushi. She even paid:-) It was a nice time and when we got home i said thank you and headed home. Was going to go out but decided to stay in and just relax. Learning to enjoy the peace and having time to myself.

I think this last round has helped me better understand what she needs and has helped me let go a little. Kind of comforting knowing no matter what happens i will be ok. Still have hope, just learning to stop having expectations and trying to control everything.
Posted By: Rick1963 Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/22/12 12:51 PM
There you go that's how you do it. I think you are beginning to understand this. Good job.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/22/12 09:08 PM
Hard day! To much thinking and wondering. Last night went well. Wife even put her foot in my lap at dinner. Was nice. I did not over stay my welcome and came home. Today has been pretty quiet. W text me about but very short and about her buying a new car. The mixed signals are hard to deal with! Guess it is better that no signals at all.
I have to think she is just confused about what she wants and is maybe just testing the waters to see how i respond. Yes i held her foot when she put it in my lap but was casual about it.

Any thoughts on mixed signals?
Posted By: labug Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/22/12 09:25 PM
N expectations (but you knew that was coming, rigth?). Give the signals +/- no power over you because they will make you crazy.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/23/12 05:28 PM
So very little yesterday. Went to watch football game with friends then off on a long bike ride and then some time yesterday evening with other friends. On Friday when I went to Sushi with my W she was not feeling well. So, this morning I called her just to see how she was feeling. She did not answer her phone which she has with her at all times. Not a good sign but... it is what it is. Left her a voice mail and just said hello and wanted to see how she was feeling and hoping she was having a good weekend.

So I am as usual struggling a bit and doubt within me about our marraige is great and what she wants.

I have a situation right now that I would like some advice on. I am in the process of buying a house. It is a house that is big enough for both my W and I. Had hoped it would help pave her way home. I am running into issues witht he loan. I can qualify but together we have a payment on taxes that we are paying on. Right now because we are only seperated they are using my income and both of our debt to qualify me for the loan. I am right at the edge and if they bring in the back tax payment that will put me over and I will loose the house. The crazy thing is that if we were buying it together they would count both our debts and both of our income and we would qualify. If we were divorced they would use just my debt and just my income and I would qualify but because we are seperated they use just my income and both of our debt.

Anyway in our discussion a few days ago she asked me if we should go ahead and file for divorce because no matter what happens going forward that marragie is over and what ever relationship we have together will have to be it's own.

So right now I am thinking maybe the best thing I can do is to go ahead and file divorce papers, try and get the house and let her know that I still want to date her.

I do struggle with this because of the upcoming custody stuff and I just feel like if I file those papers then all hope of us will be gone. Maybe that is what needs to happen to move forward for both of us but I just don't know.

Advice?
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/23/12 05:51 PM
Just to clarify no I do not want to divorce her but I can't help but to feel like that is what she wants and needs from me and maybe I should give it to her so she can have the peace that she wants. Also, my guess is that she is still texting and talking to the guy she dated a few times and she is being pulled in that direction.
Posted By: labug Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/23/12 06:06 PM
Lots of speculation.

Do you really need the house?
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/23/12 07:58 PM
Well received an email a little while ago. She is done and wants me to let her go. Said she just can't be what I want.

I told her I understood and supported her decision. We both tried and she needs to move on with her life and I guess I do too. No hard feelings and I guess I knew this was coming. Still love her very much and know that I need to do this for her.

So I guess my time is done here. No more trying and hoping only just moving forward.
I am going to let the house go and I guess let her go. Very sad about it but I know it is what she needs. I owe her that much!

Thanks for all the advice and best wishes for everyone still holding out hope.
Posted By: MrBond Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/23/12 08:25 PM
Sorry to hear you've given up.

You know that if you were to listen and actually apply many of what people told you, you can still save your M.

But of course, only if you wanted to.

Good luck.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/23/12 11:21 PM
I will take that to heart. I would have liked to save my marriage and maybe someday we will be together again. Right now I feel like I need to support her decesion and try and let her go. She needs that and today I feel like a weight has been lifted.
Maybe by doing this I am saving a potential future. I don't know but I feel like I have been swimming up stream for the last 8 months and now I can just ride the current and let it take me where ever I am suppose to be.

I have tried to follow advice and let my emotions get the best of me way too often.

Hope that makes sense. She is a wonderful woman and if I truly listen to her and give her what she needs then just maybe....
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/24/12 06:18 PM
My W and I went out last night and talked. She told me that after friday night her son told her that he liked things just being the three of them and did not want to live with me and my D's again. That made her pull away and decide to push for divorce. She said after talking to him she knew she could never put him through that again.

I told her I understood and that I actually felt like a weight had been lifted. I have spent so much time trying to do the right thing and in the process feel like I lost who I was. This is very true and actually feel good about things. We talked about potentially dating and just having fun. We even kissed a few times and agreed to see eachother on Thursday night to celebrate the divorce and spend some adult time together.

I actually feel like our relationship will be stronger and maybe someday it will change into something more but for now it is time to let go of the past and just enjoy today.

I am sure I will have some sad times if she starts to date again but really I am surprised and how much relief I feel right now and I think that has helped her too.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/26/12 02:35 AM
Mr. Bond,

I don't want to give up but really don't see how I can stop her from doing what she has her mind set on. I have made tremendous improvements in myself and my life. I have given her space only to find her starting to date another.

I guess in a way I figure that my 180 in this situation is not to fight it anymore. No asking her to reconsider and try to hang in there.

She told me that her S's have told her that they like things just as they are and don't want to live with me and my D's again. She has said that she knows she has to do right by them and she will never consider living with another person until her boys are grown. The youngest is 10.

After reading her email instead of getting emotional about it I told her that I understood and that I would support her decision. I really don't know what else I can do but try move forward without her.

She has agreed to have one last night together on Thursday. Dinner and some adult time. I made the request and was very surprised when she accepted. So that is where I stand. I have one last evening with my W and I want to enjoy it as best I can.

I am certainly open to suggestions.
My plan was to enjoy the night with her and focus on being happy and enjoying her company. Then when the night was over I was going to tell her in my heart I do not want the divorce but if it is truly what she wants then I will support her. Then I was going to ask if going forward we could try and date each other and keep all the other life dramas seperate. I am debating on having this discussion or not. I know that she is the only one that can decide if whe wants to have any kind of relationship with me. So maybe I should just enjoy the night and say good bye. I don't know. No I Don't Want to Loose my wife but feel like I am out of options. She said she was moving forward with the divorce papers this week and was happy about it.

Advise?
Posted By: MrBond Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/26/12 02:45 AM
"I don't want to give up but really don't see how I can stop her from doing what she has her mind set on."

You don't. You let her fall herself.

"I have made tremendous improvements in myself and my life. I have given her space only to find her starting to date another."

I like how she said she has to do right by her sons and then goes out with someone else.

The main problem is that your family never fully bonded. She naively believed that it would just magically happen. It takes twice the effort to blend a family then starting from scratch.

Why did she leave her first H?
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/26/12 03:07 AM
She was with her first husband for 18 years. From what she has told me it was a very lonely marriage. She felt constantly put down and she said the physically part of the marriage was never there. She said that was why she was drawn to me because she felt so love and needed. In the end my custody battle with my ex was too my for her to handle. So now she just wants peace for her and her boys.

I said the same thing to her about her starting to see someone else and she said she had no intentions of ever having him meet her boys. I told her i would be willing to date her and keep kids and other drama aside and just try and enjoy eachother. I think she is on the fence about trying that so it would be nice to try and do that and build up the relationship. Her oldest is 16 and he is the one that is most adimante about not having us in thier lives.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/26/12 03:11 AM
I should also say that i am to blame when it comes to bondind with her kids. She bonded with mine and i did not put forth the effort to bond with hers. Not that i did not want to but i was so focused on the custody battle i lost sight of what was important. My W and our kids!
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/26/12 04:11 AM
So after our last night together should I tell her I ask her if she would consider dating me or should I just make it the best night ever and then let her go?
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/26/12 04:14 AM
I also thought of inviting her on a trip just the two of us but concerned that might come across as tring to buy her a gift. Thoughts?
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/26/12 12:26 PM
Thoughts?
Posted By: 7720 Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/26/12 01:36 PM
From my angle that looks a lot like persuit...do you really want to do that? Have you given her space and time?
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/26/12 01:54 PM
Ao at this point with her proceeding with filing D papers i should guve her more space and time?
Posted By: labug Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/26/12 02:06 PM
To what end?
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/26/12 02:08 PM
Labug could you elaborate? Please:-)
Posted By: scaredsilly Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/26/12 02:15 PM
I think "divorce" is the ultimate request for space and time.
Posted By: labug Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/26/12 02:29 PM
What are your expectations around taking a trip with her?

I think you said earlier that you needed to focus on your kids and getting your house in order (XW, custody).

How would taking a trip with W advance that?

How does it honor her wish for space?
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/26/12 03:30 PM
I really feel like tomorrow is my last chance to turn things around and make a lasting impression on her. The intent is to celebrate the end of a sad marriage and the start of a new relationship, whatever that might be.

So try and have fun at the end tell her in my heart i dont want divorce and then fade into sunset or should I suggest dating?

Advice?
Posted By: labug Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/26/12 03:33 PM
Whose idea was this date?
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/26/12 03:35 PM
The intent of the trip would be to seperate us from everything and just spend time together.

It would not be giving her space as you said. The times we are alone and it is just about us are great but when all the other stuff it is difficult to make that connection with her. I feel like if i wait another 2 months for court to be done without putting any effort toward the R she will be gone for good.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/26/12 03:38 PM
The date was my idea after we went out and had a really nice time and she said she missed kissing me.
Posted By: 7720 Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/26/12 03:43 PM
From my angle that looks a lot like persuit...do you really want to do that? Have you given her space and time?
Posted By: labug Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/26/12 03:58 PM
I agree^^^ but if that's what you want to do and you accept the consequences or can do it with no expectation, then have fun.

This has been a dynamic throughout your sitch here, she seems to come closer, you get your hopes us, she pulls back, you're sad and defeated.

Is that what you want?

Work on yourself and the big issue (which she has told you is the stumbling block in your M) back away from her and maybe, just maybe, she'll take a second look.

Can you cancel the date with her?
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/26/12 04:11 PM
Sure i could cancel the date with her but it is kind of my last alone time with her. So what it sounds like my best option is (in my messed up head) have fun and don't ask about future. Just go on with life and not worry about if she is going to start dating someone else.
Maybe i should cancel but i think that would do more harm that good.
Posted By: labug Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/26/12 04:16 PM
I don't think that's your best option, I think that's the option you're going to take. wink

So keep you emotions out of it as much as you can because it seems you want this to be something that it may not be for her.

What if she cancels at the last minute?
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/26/12 04:29 PM
I feel like this is my last chance to leave her thinking about what could have been or what could still be.

She could cancel and maybe she will but not something i can do anything about.

Should i tell her that i dont want the divorce and leave it in her hands?
Posted By: labug Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/26/12 04:37 PM
How will you feel if she cancels?

If you're detached enough, it won't matter. You might have a momentary "D@mn!" but then its gone.

If you're detached you could go out on a date every night with her and you wouldn't be an emotional roller coaster based on what she said or did.

You're putting your whole future with her on this one date, that's a lot of pressure. If you were truly detached this would just be a fun get together, not your whole future.

She knows you don't want a D. There's no need to bring it up.
Posted By: scaredsilly Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/26/12 04:48 PM
You, and we, know you will not be able to NOT discuss the future. You keep saying you won't but you keep asking her to date you. You continue to put pressure on her to do what YOU want. She tries but then decides she's done.

If you keep this up, not respecting her, you may find her next "done" is her final one. Stop pushing your agenda on her. You're not listening.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/26/12 04:53 PM
No not detached. Part of me is ok with the divorce and part of me wants to keep trying. I feel like i am in the atarting phase of acceptance. Yes i have made this date sound like a lot of pressure but in truth it is really to just have fun. Sure i have hopes and always will.

So you have answered my question and i thank you. No Future talk at end if night. If she shows up it will be nice and we have fun if she cancels then i will be ok with that too. Friday i fade into sunset and start to move on with life as a single Dad.

Thanks again it helps!
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/26/12 04:57 PM
Understood and i will not discuss future. If i do you can come to arizona and kick my teeth in!
Posted By: Mach1 Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/26/12 05:19 PM
Originally Posted By: Tinman
I really feel like tomorrow is my last chance to turn things around and make a lasting impression on her.


What ,specifically, is wrong with the "lasting" impression being... that you respect her wishes ???


Tin, stop looking for someone to give you the answer that you want to hear...


What do YOU think you should do ?

If you were giving advice, instead of getting advice, what would you say ?

Is it different than the answer you are looking for ???
Posted By: labug Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/26/12 05:35 PM
I'm in Arizona so I won't have to travel too far!
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/26/12 05:36 PM
Hi Mach1 been a while.

So i know i am making this harder that it has to be. If you look a bunch of posts back you will see that I agreed with her and was supporting her decision to move forward with what she wanted. The i recived a reaponce that made me feel like i had given up and i should not really be so supportive about the divorce and i could still save my marriage. That kind of sent me into spiral and trying to make this date more than it is.

I am sure i over thought the comments and made more of it than i should have.
So now back full circle. I need to be at peace with how things are and if i see her tomorrow then i will simply have fun.

That would be my advise. Go out have fun. No R talk. No future talk. Just have fun and no expectations.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/26/12 06:31 PM
Sweet! I would love to buy you a beer. I am in gilbert
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/26/12 06:33 PM
Sorry labug, read that too fast and thought it was mach1.
Glass of wine maybe:-)
Posted By: labug Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/26/12 06:47 PM
I'm crushed!

I actually get to Gilbert on occasion. S(23) is in school up there.
Posted By: labug Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/26/12 06:49 PM
And I'll have that glass of wine along with Mach's beer!
Posted By: 7720 Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/26/12 07:07 PM
I think you are in a good position if she is even considering a date...but you should leave it at that...don't pressure her anymore it will only make you look weak believe me I have done that and hate myself after. You don't want to lose ground..someone described it as feeding a squirrel you can't rush it...good luck.
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/26/12 07:10 PM
Originally Posted By: Tinman

So i know i am making this harder that it has to be. If you look a bunch of posts back you will see that I agreed with her and was supporting her decision to move forward with what she wanted. The i recived a reaponce that made me feel like i had given up and i should not really be so supportive about the divorce and i could still save my marriage. That kind of sent me into spiral and trying to make this date more than it is.


Don't agree (or disagree) with her if she's pushing for divorce. You can validate her feelings without agreeing with her. If she is pushing for D, just say you understand why she feels that way and let it go. Many WAS's bring D up over and over again but don't really want it when it comes down to it.

I'd quit calling this a "date" and think of it more as a "get together" or something. You're stressing way too much over it and you'll feel so much pressure to impress her that you'll likely crash and burn instead. You're hanging too much on this one outing. You are not going to turn this train wreck around with this one event. You're in a marathon, not a sprint. Good luck!
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/27/12 08:03 PM
Thanks all for advice! Labug I owe you a glass of wine and a beer:-) it sounds like our get together is still on for tonight. While i have a clear head i have written myself a note for after to remind me that after tonight i need to truly let go and let her find her way. Easier said than done but i feel ok about it and it will be nice to leave things on a possitive. I need to be strong for my girls, myself and my W.

No backsliding and just try and move on and hope she eventually finds her way back. I think the hardest part will be when she starts dating again. It maybe a good thing for her to see what else is out there but it will hurt none the less.

In preperation for going forward i joined a local sungle parents group that i use to be part of. No intention of dating or looking for another relationship just figured it was a good way to get out and have a little fun instead of sitting at home and wondering what my W is up to.
Posted By: longrun Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/27/12 10:03 PM
I hope the get together has turned out well. A very good idea to join the single parents group, it can be useful to exchange ideas how to organize family life.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/28/12 01:31 PM
Last night my W and I went out and had a great time. We went to dinner and came home to hours of being together and having fun. At the end of the night I walked her home, hand in hand. When we got to her door we kissed, I said goodbye and she said "this is not the end".
It was a very good night we never talked about the divorce once! We are so good together when it is just the two of us. I don't know her intent of the "this is not the end" comment but I took it as a good sign.
Now I need to just figure out how to be and let her find her way.

Scaredsilly and labug thanks for the stern advice / 2x4. Apparently you got thru;-)
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/28/12 10:00 PM
W text me and said she had an awesome time last night:-) next few days will be a bit hard trying not to initiate contact with her.

Last night we steared clear of relationship stuff for most part. She made a comment a few times about how i always have women lined up and ready to go. It kind of surprized me! I have done nothing along thise lines and at the same time she is the one who actually went on a few dates.

Just strikes me as strange when she is the only woman i think about and have worked so hard to mend our marriage. She is truly wonderful and i guess in a way i am a little more at peace letting her figure things out in her own time.
Posted By: Crazyville Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 09/29/12 05:06 PM
I think what you did on Thursday was the best thing you could possibly have done. Also very DB-like.

Time is essential. I'm sure she needs time to heal. It will do good that you are supportive of her needing space, yet still being there for her as a friend and wannabe H. Since your time together is so great when it's just the two of you, it sounds very much to me like your issues were directly related to the ex/custody. Most people here are dealing with spouses that can't stand them personally and things they personally have to do 180's on (not that there isn't anything you need to improve on.) On the positive side, shes like YOU, just not the situation. On the down side, there's not a whole lot you can do to change the situation. It may just mean that the two of you have to create a unique/unusual arrangement. Four houses away is very convenient in many respects at least.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 10/01/12 02:56 PM
Thanks crazyville! That is what i struggle with, knowing that my seperation is more about outside influences than anything else. Friday ans saturday were pretty good. She text me a few times. I tried to let her lead. Sat am she said she was out for a walk and if i happen to be outside she would stop and chat. So i actually walked her home and we talked a little and kissed a few times. It was nice. She said she felt so much better without felling the pressure. We even talked about fall break and i suggested that we go on a trip for a few days and she liked that.
Sunday was a bit of a set back. She text me in am and i went down to see her for few min and had a nice talk. She said maybe she would see me later and then i asked if it would be ok if my girls came down and said hello. She said maybe and we left it at that.

Well last night i called to see how she was doing and she said she did not want to see my girls as it made things harder and she felt pressure again. I told her that was fine and i would keep kids completely out of it and i told her i understood.

So now i need to back off and let her be one to initiate contact. I did not realize seeing my kids would have such an impact on her but now i know better. Maybe i should have know. I know she loves my girls and they love her but she does not want them to look toward her as thier replacement mother.

Sat night i went out with kids and friend to an outdoor concert. It was nice. It was part of a single parent group so i kind of did not want to be there and felt a little like i was on the menu. Still had fun and nice to hang out with friend.
Posted By: Crazyville Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 10/01/12 05:30 PM
Yes, the girls were too much too fast. If she was feeling comfortable with engaging them, she would have asked to see them. It's alright, you wouldn't necessarily have known. You responded well by not putting her on the defensive for her feelings.

One consistent theme here is, "Do what works, don't do what doesn't work." It's a learning process; you aren't going to know all of that upfront.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 10/02/12 01:46 PM
Was wanting to send good morning text to W but decided to come here instead. Yesterday was pretty quiet. She sent a "morning!" text and that was last communication. Definetly trying to figure out how much space to give her. I have told myself that i am not going to initiate contact going forward. At least until things get a better.

On the bright side she has nit brought up her filing for divorce since we spend that night together. I am a bit mixed up inside. She has told me several times that she wants to end things but i keep trying. She starts to come around and the she is gone again. In the last letter she said tried to find those feelings for me again because she knows how much pain i am in and she wants to take it away but inside she realizes that this is not what she needs for herself.

Simetimes i feel like i should just let her go and be done but then i think about how good it feels to be with her and how i want that feeling back. Just want to do right by her too. Maybe my life, my situation is not right for her and i should show her how much i love her by letting her go.

Ok comments / 2x4s?
Posted By: Arsene Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 10/02/12 02:36 PM
Originally Posted By: Tinman

Sometimes i feel like i should just let her go and be done but then i think about how good it feels to be with her and how i want that feeling back. Just want to do right by her too. Maybe my life, my situation is not right for her and i should show her how much i love her by letting her go.

Ok comments / 2x4s?


I have felt this quite often as well mate. What if our standing for our M, which often feels like the only right thing to do, is just a selfish act which undermines their wishes. I often think that what I'm doing now, considering the pain I'm going through to save my family and my M, is the most selfless act I could ever imagine but what if they are better off without us? What if it really is the best course of action for them? Wouldn't we just be selfish bas&%$rds trying to control them again?

I don't know mate but the one thing I do know right now is that I feel like I am sane and clear-headed and she isn't right now so if I'm going to bet on someone, it'll be on myself. I know for a fact that I'll never regret what I'm doing now but I don't think my W could say that with confidence right now. I'm staying the course.

What about you?
Posted By: labug Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 10/02/12 02:37 PM
Sometimes i feel like i should just let her go and be done but then i think about how good it feels to be with her and how i want that feeling back. Just want to do right by her too. Maybe my life, my situation is not right for her and i should show her how much i love her by letting her go.

When we put a but in a sentence it usually means we've disregarded everything before the but.

Sometimes i feel like i should just let her go and be done but then i think about how good it feels to be with her and how i want that feeling back. Just want to do right by her too. Maybe my life, my situation is not right for her and i should show her how much i love her by letting her go.
Posted By: eyesopen Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 10/02/12 02:55 PM
I think in some sitches letting them go is what has to be done. I think that is where I am at. It doesn't mean that you are done, just means that they feel zero pressure. Let them find themselves and hope they realize there mistake before you have truly moved on. It may be the only way to get to the point where you can objectively question them if they want to come back.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 10/02/12 03:17 PM
Thank all, I still have hope just feeling a bit down this am. I know I still have to work on detaching, being stronger for myself and giving her the time and space and space she needs. Easier said than done:-) i keep going back to how good things are when it is just us and no worries about the kids and custody battle.

She wants to give her boys a safe place and i respect that. Trying to take small steps but sometimes i get hopes up and get carried away. No not going to give up just need to keep working toward goal of improving relationship. Just dating for a few years could be fun. Need to not put pressure on her for anything and let her lead.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 10/03/12 02:23 PM
Another day and it has been very quiet. Yesterday afternoon my W text me to say hi and ask how i was doing. Very short conversation and kept it light and upbeat. She text me on monday am too but again very brief conversation. Just trying to keep busy and not think about things. Going for a run in the morning and then a bike ride in evening. Watched a funny movie last night and several times i cracked up at the movie and first thing i thought was how my W would enjoy it and how nice it would have been to enjoy it with her. I was very tempted to text her this morning just to say hi but then i figured i should hold off.
Posted By: unbidden Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 10/03/12 02:31 PM
Good for you. You are doing well, my DB friend. Keep it up.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 10/03/12 03:42 PM
Thanks Unbidden! I am making progress but still have weak moments for sure. Nothing easy about this. I was reading your initial posts and think that you have really done a great job but then the thread ended:-( i will try and see if there is another link. Again thank for encouraging words!
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 10/04/12 03:07 AM
Ok so I caved this afternoon. I text W and asked how she was she responded with a couple of brief texts. Very light between both. I have not initiated communication for three days so I figured it was ok. I will limit it but figured three days was reasonable.
I have my girls tonight so keeping busy. Tomorrow is the one night a week that we both are kid free so hoping she wants to do something. Chances are she will not contact me and I will be ok with that. Trying to take things as they come and really trying to work on letting her go. I think we are great together so hopefully someday she will realize that:-)
Okay so just wanted to share and talk to someone. My W is my one true love and I will always feel that way toward her no matter which direction this goes.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 10/04/12 09:08 PM
Interesting couple of days. I feel like i have had my eyes opened to a lot of my issues. Yes i have listened to my W explain some of these things but i dont think i ever really understood. Well i have gone through my share of aelf help books and besides DB and DR there have been other helpful ones but i have been reading one the last few days that has rocked my perception of myself. No more mister nice guy, has opened my eyes to see how i have been doing things in order to gain approval, doing for W in hope of having it returned and how i tend to try and control and manipulte situations, and putting others needs ahead of mine hoping mine will be met in exchange.

With that said i feel like i better understand my W concerns and hesitations with our M (outside of dealing with my crazy x). I feel like i can truly go forward and focus on my needs and not have to rely on my W to be the center of my joy.

Ok so W text this aftermoon and asked me if we could get go out tonight:-)

So pretty good couple of days for me. Moving on to a better place for myself.
Posted By: unbidden Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 10/04/12 09:26 PM
How insightful. You sound like you are in a better place. Have fun and no expectations smile
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 10/05/12 09:23 AM
Thank you unbidden:-) I do feel like over the last few days I am finally understanding my own issues. Sad thing is that when I think back I have always been like this and did not realize what an issue it was. I am a nice guy and looked at that as a good thing. now i know better. I would give of myself, hoping to have my needs meet. "Expectations" anyway I finally get it and feels like I have control of myself back.

Okay so W asked to go out tonight and I went down to pick her up. She immediately took my hand and leaned in. I gave her a light kiss and she looked at me smiled and said "really, that's it". We went to dinner, back to her place where she took me to her bedroom and then later we started watching a movie. About half way through I told her I needed to go as it was getting late. It was a great night and I will take it for what it was. Two people enjoying each others company.
Posted By: Rick1963 Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 10/05/12 01:00 PM
Good self examination. So you discovered that u are a "nice guy". Good, now you can change that. I have not read that book but I read "hold on to your NUTS". Good read also. Also look into passive/aggressive behavior. Good guys tend to do that and it can be a relationship buster. Keep up the good work buddy
Posted By: labug Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 10/05/12 01:28 PM
My H is a Nice Guy, but he hasn't had the realizations you have. When he's being nice, it's great but when he's P/A and conflict avoidant, it's awful and as Rick said, a relationship buster.

Learn from that and grow.
Posted By: roughenough Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 10/07/12 12:55 AM
Hey Tinman, I just wanted to drop by and give you a big thank you! Because of your post I read No More Mr Nice Guy. I almost bought it but low and behold, a quick Google search and the entire book pulls up for free! Gotta love it. Anyway, as you said, WOW, what an eye opener. It sounds like it really spoke to you, me as well. Take care.
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 10/08/12 03:52 AM
Roughenough so glad you found it. And i would have to say it has done wonders for me. W over last few days has done a 180 and has decided i am the one she wants:-) i think me basically letting go and being more confident has opened her eyes. We still have some healing to do but she wants us to be a family again.

I know i cant go back to the old me as i was way too needy and tried to control everything. Letting her lead the way and we just might be stronger than ever. I did get a little down tonight thinking about her seeing someone else but i know it is in past and it will not do anyone any good to think about that.

So grateful for all the support and feedback i have received on here. It has not been easy and hoping to be one of the success stories. I love my W and so glad i did not completly give up!
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 10/08/12 12:36 PM
bump
Posted By: labug Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 10/08/12 03:28 PM
And that's all you're going to say?
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 10/08/12 05:16 PM
Not sure what more there is to say:-) i am so thankful for all your ans crazyville's advice over the last month. I can't tell you how much that has helped and kept me from losing my mind. I will check back in with updates Nd progress.

My W and i have decided to start looking for a home so we can be a family again. We met up with her family this weekend and she told her dad that we were working things out and she said he was very happy for us. I even put my ring back on last night.

I will not lose sight of what is important and plan to continue working on self and us.
Posted By: Crazyville Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 10/08/12 05:21 PM
Hmmm, moving too fast, I think. I'm sure it doesn't feel like it, but the custody case isn't even over yet, is it? There are problems and issues that aren't going to be addressed by looking for a house to live in together. What about her boys saying that they didn't want to move back together?

Lots of things unspoken here.
Posted By: labug Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 10/08/12 05:43 PM
Yes, slow down.

What has changed? With you? With her? The problems didn't suddenly disappear.

I'm happy that she's willing to give it a chance, but at least give it a fighting chance.
Posted By: scaredsilly Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 10/08/12 05:52 PM
Hasn't she done this a couple of times?
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 10/08/12 05:58 PM
Yes i know and i did feel like that the first few days. She explained to me that she has spoken to her boys and they are both good with the situation. The older one i was most worried about even asked me to come down and work on his mini bike with him. The hesitation on there part was that when we lived together before i had all these rules and was hard on them. So yes i am sure they would still prefer it be just them and there mom but W went on to say that they would be ok with it. She also said that the oldest told her that he really did not care but he wanted her to make up her mind.

Yes custody case is still pending. We apoke about that and i am going to keep her as far away from that as possible. My W has spent some time with my oldest and they both appear to be in a much better place. They even spent last night making dinner together.

So i guess in short it feels like everything is coming together all at the same time. My W has tended not to talk to her family about our seperation and the fact that she opened up to her father and told him we were working things out so we could be a family again spoke volumes to me.

I have never stopped loving my W and to have her responding the way she is lets me know she is serious about being a family again.
Posted By: labug Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 10/08/12 06:52 PM
Why don't you give it 6 months before you jump into other life-stressors like buying a house, moving, re-blending families? Maybe the kids need a break from the roller-coaster.

You and W can have the fun of dating and clandestine sex.
Posted By: labug Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 10/11/12 02:51 PM
Tinman, come out, come out wherever you are! Ally, ally in free!
Posted By: Tinman Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 10/11/12 07:27 PM
Hi labug! Well it has been a great week. I understand your concern. The difference this time is that i have stopped trying to control everything. I feel like i am in a different place and i am letting go. In turn she has made up her mind that we are suppose to be together and wants us to be a family again. I am certainly happy about it and also very relaxed about it. No more desperation and it feels good.

Yesterday was our anniversary and we let the kids at home and went out to celebrate. She told me some of her feelings and how glad she was that we were back together. The best thing said was "you know that i never really left you".

Yes i know i cant stop working on myself and i need to make sure she is able to be her own person and does not become consumed by our relationship and lose herself again.

I will keep you updated and thanks again for all your support!
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 10/12/12 03:15 PM
Originally Posted By: Tinman
but i have been reading one the last few days that has rocked my perception of myself. No more mister nice guy, has opened my eyes to see how i have been doing things in order to gain approval, doing for W in hope of having it returned and how i tend to try and control and manipulte situations, and putting others needs ahead of mine hoping mine will be met in exchange.


Yup, I saw a lot of myself in that book too. It's a good book, it's really helped me to let go of a lot of my expectations regarding doing stuff for validation from others. And man, it is so on target regarding the shady side of "nice" guys. It was helpful in that regard too, it's a lot easier to fix your problems when you know what they are wink
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: My story, my progress, my hope - 10/12/12 03:19 PM
Originally Posted By: Tinman
Hi labug! Well it has been a great week. I understand your concern. The difference this time is that i have stopped trying to control everything. I feel like i am in a different place and i am letting go. In turn she has made up her mind that we are suppose to be together and wants us to be a family again. I am certainly happy about it and also very relaxed about it. No more desperation and it feels good.

Yesterday was our anniversary and we let the kids at home and went out to celebrate. She told me some of her feelings and how glad she was that we were back together. The best thing said was "you know that i never really left you".

Yes i know i cant stop working on myself and i need to make sure she is able to be her own person and does not become consumed by our relationship and lose herself again.

I will keep you updated and thanks again for all your support!


Wow, that's really a fantastic development, congratulations!! Stick with your 180's and keep up the good work! Always be mindful of what worked to get your W back and continue that behavior. Good luck and please do keep us posted!
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