http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2249701#Post2249701previous thread
I can use this as an opptunity to practice grace, forgivess, and love
nstead of getting upset at his actions, reacting to him out of what I think he deserves based on his current actions, I just thought in this moment what can I learn, how can I grow. So I'm not even thinking about seeing him tonight in terms of how he'll think of me and what I can project I'm just thinking how can I grow? how is this an opportunity for me!
So this was my latest revelation.
Some of my favourites were:
Even if we don't get back together I want to be his friend.
Everyday I want to get to the end of the day and think This is what I was proud of doing this, today I gave love by doing this and today I am thankful/grateful for this.
Soooooooo.....
The man has come and gone and I am remarkably normal and happy. He came over played with the dog. He talked to S about our weekend then S asked him how his was. I kinda held my breath. He mentioned an event he went to last night. I had assumed they'd go there because it's was related to her interest and her field of work. It was very funny, because it was bad weather and he was basically saying how miserable he was and how they had to see x happen. I started laughing and saying how everyone at work was excited about it and I rolled my eyes. And I said oh and don't forget it's happening again on..and he interrupted and said Oh I know all about it. and said the name of the event which I didn't even know.
anyway this was funny because in the beginning I accidentally say his ebay and there was a lot of this sort of stuff related, but perhaps his interest was shortlived. But again old patterns he's doing things because of the person.
The whole time he talked about an event they went together I was very normal. It wasn't a big deal. Obviously I know they're together, no point in acting like he's being mean by talking about it.
He volunteered to do some gardening. I told him I was planning to do it and he said I'm here it'll take me 10 mins. I said actually there's a lot to do. He did it. I helped, but stayed out of his way.
He came back in and I thanked him a few times. He said a few times that he didn't realize how much there was and I thanked him. Said that I was planning to do it. He said don't be silly you couldn't have done this. I might as well. Later he said right, good to see you guys and almost kill myself with the hedge trimmer. and I said thank you for volunteering to almost kill yourself and he laughed.
I said I'd done that DIY he acted a bit surprised. He commented on a new item I'd bought for the house. Said in a strange pouty voice "that's a really nice xx" I said, "oh, yeah, I like it" without saying where I'd bought it or going over board that he liked it.
I gave him some mail that had come and something else of his. I mentioned something else I had that I couldn't find and he said oh, I don't think...you can keep that. It's not a big deal. He was responding as if I was acting being overly
I don't want anything of yours that's not mine which I have to admit is typical Brit territory self righteous etc. Instead of explaining myself because I had put it right there to give to him and then lost it which is why I mentioned it, I cracked a joke (Michele style) and said hey do want a big plate...(it was a gift from his mom that we didn't want and never used) I said I've got a really big plate you might need a big plate one day...just take the big plate (what his mom had said) and he grinned at me. Massive huge happy grin that I haven't seen since I don't know when. And instead of commenting and saying I haven't seen that in so long which is something he used to do
I remember when you used to smile at me like that, I just turned and walked into the kitchen and starting making our dinner. Because he was on his way out.
Because I was busy when he said okay I guess I'm off I just glanced up and said see ya...no hug!
I feel like I was detached but nice. I acted with the kind eyes Grace talks about. He saw things are moving on..I buy stuff without telling him, I fix stuff on my own, I did one small thing wrong I mentioned that a guy I know has started a gardening/landscape business and I was thinking of talking to him about prices and he said oh S can do this, if I can do this S can do it. I didn't like that in a way I'd consulted him about decisions.
Anyway I'm feeling pretty amazing. I can handle this. I can operate in love, forgiveness, and unselfishness.
You continually inspire me. You should definitely feel amazing.
Well done, Brit! Gotta love it when they smile! Nice flirting but still in control of yourself!
Aw thanks ya'll. I didn't think I was flirting! I talked to a friend of mine after and she was like you sound really different. We hadn't talked since the bomb. She was like I don't know you sound good you sound better.
That made me smile really big!
you are a beautiful person, brit!
Another successful 37rule only I didn't know it. A few hours after he left he texted me to remind me of something. I replied and said I remembered and said oh you forgot to take that shirt with you. He replied and said damn. Next time. So I broke my own rule of replying when there was no direct question however him replying after that was a big step in the positive direction because post bomb our conversations have been limited to say the least. Also I didn't see his reply for a few hours later which meant I ignored it and let him be the last to reply.
This all probably seems very trivial and meaningless but the truth is only a few days ago I was wondering if we would/could be friends. So I'm only looking at the positives and I'm releasing my jealousy, my anger, my resentment. I have to say getting out of the cloud of hurt and seeing him as a flawed person rather than simply the object of desire makes detaching and forgiving easier.
journalling
Had a strange day I suppose. I woke up day 2 or 3 of sleeping well. I really think changing my routines to thinking of how I gave love, and what I'm thankful for really helps.
It was MIL's bday. I texted her and she and I chatted a bit. That was nice lately I've been missing her friendship.
I spent the day NOT thinking about H and it was good. I felt really calm and good. In the afternoon I was a bit shakey. Possibly because I hadn't eaten much and was super hungry and couldn't wait to get home. And it was raining non stop. And now that I know she lives in the city where I work I don't know my thoughts were shifting to that. And if they'd be going out to dinner with MIL tonight. Just felt a bit sorry for myself because of financial issues etc.
Happily once I got home and demolished a sandwich and watched a movie I was able to push all that out of mind. I am feeling like a huge huge massive shift from this time last week and certainly the week before.
Glad to hear that you are feeling better each week. There will be triggers (like MIL's bd) but it sounds like they are less intense and you get past them quickly. That is real growth.
I also love your new routine and am adding it to my life as well. What a great way to remember all that is good in our lives!
I wish I could turn off my thoughts and quiet my mind. I have been thinking of everything from how his R can't be real love....and did his ex think that way about me. And did he tell her the same things he told me post break up. But then I push it all out of mind reminding myself of differences. He didn't marry her, she never met his family. Then I think about all the warning signs during our marriage how we never talked or worked things out the sex issue hos I'd had one foot out for a very long time and his away his anger and resentment for years. I don't want to think about these things. I thought by June I'd be farther along. There were so many things wrong with us and I've been so optimistic for so long.
When he came to my house and talked about them going to that even Tues night and how miserable he was and he talked about it in terms of how he thought it was ridiculous. And I went away thinking this is what he does. Agrees to things goes along and then bad mouthes it. Either say it was important to her so I went or don't go. This was a constant in our R and I always felt as though I was dragging him along to things by the end. Or maybe he felt he could say these feelings that he didn't enjoy the event to me (because I wouldn't have either) and I would understand. But is that who I want in a R someone who goes along and then bad mouthes it to his W?
NO
brit, i think when cadet tells the newcomers that we have been given the gift of time, we think it's to work out what it takes to get our s back.
however, as "time" goes by, i've come to think that, as we work on ourselves and become a better version of ourselves, maybe that "gift" is how we come to understand how our s had some responsibility for the break up, too. and, maybe we deserve better?
still trying to figure out this one for myself...!
Scaredsilly is right, you have the gift of time. Time has helped me look at myself and see what I can do to make myself better not for her but for me. Time has started to make me feel good about myself. I have even had people comment on how good of changes they have seen in me, the 180's I have done.
I to was always having thoughts, over time it will slow down. Every once in a while I can't stop thinking. I just take it as it tells me I still love her.
One thing that has helped me shut my mind off is reading my bible or a good book. Sometimes if I have time, I watch a movie that makes me laugh, I have been catching myself laughing more and makes me feel good.
brit, i think when cadet tells the newcomers that we have been given the gift of time, we think it's to work out what it takes to get our s back.
however, as "time" goes by, i've come to think that, as we work on ourselves and become a better version of ourselves, maybe that "gift" is how we come to understand how our s had some responsibility for the break up, too. and, maybe we deserve better?
this is really insightful , scared silly - and thanks for putting it in words so clearly.
i think cadet should add that explanation to his post tot he newcomer, so they understand right away. i think i took his words to mean the same as you wrote, but there was definitely the inclusion of getting h back as part of it
brit - what you describe - about your h saying yes and then "bit chin' later - i have to say i DON"T miss having that in my life AT ALL, now.
people like me - we say yes and mean it literally - people like our S's - it seems that they simply don't know what they like or don't like and so don't feel any confidence in making decisions one way or the other. then after they say yes, they are second guessing themselves in a way that is completely incomprehensible to us - and i think the complaining and negativity is the surface symptom.
just be glad you aren't on the receiving end of it right now.
hope you feel better about it
zig
people like me - we say yes and mean it literally - people like our S's - it seems that they simply don't know what they like or don't like and so don't feel any confidence in making decisions one way or the other. then after they say yes, they are second guessing themselves in a way that is completely incomprehensible to us - and i think the complaining and negativity is the surface symptom.
haha you and I are very alike and I think our H's are as well. or maybe because we're alike we met similar people. who knows.
You're right I don't miss that. When I was "ruminating" about it (I really like that word Zig) what kept coming to mind was how I said I wanted to live with integrity. Integrity is not bad mouthing your GF's hobbies to your W. It used to drive me insane that he would complain for days that he had promised to do something for his mother at the weekend. When I would suggest putting it off, he would say no,, no...and I used to say I think you enjoy the complaining too much. If you didn't have anything to complain about THEN you wouldn't be happy. IMO it's no way to live. But we're different that way. It did lead to second guessing and walking on eggshells.
Today the only thing of note that happened was MIL texted me to say that she showed the picture of the dog with a sign that said Happy Birthday "to everyone" MIL bought me dog and raised her for awhile and adores her. So I thought it would be cute. But when she said that I was worried that "everyone" meant that at MIL's bday dinner which more than likely included H and GF she passed around the pictures. Also because MIL likes the drama. It wasn't my motive, but it did make me feel slightly uncomfortable.
And Zig isn't the only getting noticed. A guy came into my work who teaches a dance class that my friend has been bugging me to go to since she found out me and H split. She said no one goes in couples there's loads of men and it's a lot of fun. He was STUNNINGLY handsome. Not completely sure he was straight HAHA but the receptionist said..he hung back to talk to you...you should go to that class. Interesting is all I'll say.
wanted to say I walked with the dog and I started having random thoughts about H (funny thing is I don't even remember them now) but I thought of the poem Zig posted about Sorrow being a little girl.
When I put my sadness in terms of a small child, I don't know I was able to just think "it's going to be fine, I know you feel this way right now, but it's okay, don't worry" I was reassuring myself.
This is all very strange but it worked and you know..whatever works go with it!!!
journalling:
So today I had a few moments of thinking that I haven't heard from H and have no reason to expect to hear from H. I felt like we were developing a friendship pre-bomb and that's not there. The interaction on Wednesday was good. But I find myself just coming to the realization more and more, again and again that our lives together have ceased to be. He says that he wanted us to always be friends but he has in a sense replaced that female companionship with someone else. I don't know what our friendship is supposed to look like now. And then I think that maybe I should be the one to reach out. Because I dumped all this pain and hurt and feelings of rejection and abandonment on him a few weeks ago when he said he might be moving in with her. But I try to remember that each time you feel like detaching is what you SHOULDN'T be doing it's when you probably should even more.
Part of me is bitter today because my girlfriends are going on vacation that I was meant to go on but now can't afford. In fact I can't even afford to go out tonight for a friends birthday meanwhile last weekend he was out to dinner several times, went on a mini getaway, and is possibly moving in with her so will have someone help him pay the bills. My lease is up in a month and a half and I'm thinking I may need to move. Even if it means leaving an area I love. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed. But maybe that's just normal adjustment.
It's a strange feeling that we're so "out of contact" even when I was a WAW we were out of contact but I knew if I wanted to contact him I could. Now? I don't want to intrude, I don't want to be needy, or cause arguments between him and his GF.
Today I was out in the garden and realized he did a pretty half a$$ job on the hedges. But that's not a new thing he always does that. Unless it's his cars/toys/clothes/computer etc his personal possession he's quite lazy. I always hated that and he always acted like I was either being silly or being over bearing. Because I was insecure I'd second guess myself and think maybe he's right maybe that is okay. Um, no it's not.
There's an outdoor performance art event happening next weekend that I want to go, but I now know it's in the park in walking distance to his GF's apartment. I know I can't live my whole life worrying that I'll run into them. I thought I could post on FB that me and S were going. Then if they were planning to go, he wouldn't because he wouldn't want to run into me. But this is like mayor of crazy town talk isn't it?
more journalling:
So I read JKS's thread and she mentioned about rash decisions and being independent and it just made me remember the whole name of my thread!!! My point was not to look at things as obstacles but opportunities.
Money: I have a lot of options, not just moving. I am currently reviewing all my outgoings and looking at ways to save money. I have the gift of time...my lease isn't up tomorrow. I can explore, get informed, and make a good decision. I don't have to feel hopeless. This is an opportunity for me to not slip into victimhood and to make the best informed decision rather than feel as though I'm backed into a corner
H's money decisions: I have always been UNHAPPY with his decisions to let others help him out with money. Family members etc. He is repeating old patterns that ultimately make him feel bad inside. He felt insecure that I made more than him (not much) where she easily makes at least double. I don't think he's become okay with that. But how is this an opportunity for me? It's an opportunity be independent, to take pride in the fact that I am taking care of my responsibilities each moment. He never even balanced his books at his new place before thinking of jumping into hers. So FB may paint a picture of things I'd like to do...but at what price? I want to live with integrity and that includes financial independence.
Oh I haven't looked at his FB since we all had that talk a few days ago.
the event next weekend: how is that an opportunity to grow? I can resolve to live my life by not letting the fear of running into them stop me from doing what I want to do. I will look fabulous, have fun, and if I were to see them I will handle that with grace and poise, but I won't fear it happening. I won't hand over power. And I'll cross that bridge if I ever come to it.
oh sweet girl - reassure yourself- soothe yourself out of this by saying (just like you did on the walk w/dog) - i'm just on the down hill part of the roller coaster and i'll be going up anytime now.
you're ruminating too much - and go to the concert - without "warning' him in advance - that's fixing.
think of it this way if he really doesn't want to run into you with ow - how he's going to scramble with her to get out of sight. much more pleasing scenario, don't you think? imagine the message he's giving her - that you still mean something to him, that he's not unaffected by your presence. in fact - she'll react in some pressuring way.
on the other hand - if he's waltzing her in front of you and s - then you want to protect yourselves - especially if s doesn't know about her(i don't know that for sure?)
either way = indifference - don't care what he might be doing , unless you're protecting your s from getting hurt.
what are your plans for today?
distract yourself - go clean a drawer - and remember - 5 mins tops, for ruminating
((( )))
zig
Hi Zig and Brit,
I have followed a couple of your threads. Brit, thanks again for your input the other day. I am trying to implement the detach piece you mentioned but it feels like it's backfiring. Who knows? Anyway, I have updated my thread and would really appreciate any thoughts that either of you could post for me on my thread. You two seem like you know what your talking about.
the event next weekend: how is that an opportunity to grow? I can resolve to live my life by not letting the fear of running into them stop me from doing what I want to do. I will look fabulous, have fun, and if I were to see them I will handle that with grace and poise, but I won't fear it happening. I won't hand over power. And I'll cross that bridge if I ever come to it.
Love this Brit and love your courage. Love your ability to see the positive in any situation and to use each and every challenge you face as an opportunity to grow.
I truly do see you and the other men and women on this board growing and becoming individuals whom only a fool would leave.
Thanks for sharing Brit45. I am just starting down this road and reading about what others have gone through and how they are growing and becoming better people is very encouraging.
i guess we cross posted back there yesterday - i missed what you wrote until tonight - i love the attitude you are using to face the situation next week with the concert - go girl!!
i think facing things this way is the key to getting to a better place for ourselves. thanks for setting such a great example , brit
and yes, look fantastic - yo won't have to do much - it will just emanate from you!!
zig
Had a crappy dream that basically I pursued H he gave me slightly what I wanted but he had the power and then I didn't like him anyway and felt like we were both bad people. I'm not sure what that was all about except I'm done giving him power. Whether that's making me feel nervous when he's around wanting to look good when he's around, missing the friendship and taking it on whatever level he wants to give it: I get that I hurt him, that I walked away, that I had a R with someone, partied with friends, etc. but how long do I self flagellate and give him the moral high ground. I'm not saying tit for tat or that all that I did was okay because of the way he's behaving now.
I'm just saying we haven't been operating in a level playing field for years. It's been his pain vs my pain. We couldn't both be happy at the same time. It was all rescue/victim etc. each time I feel like I've regained my power I find other parts of me that still aren't detached.
I am realizing a core difference between us is that he is much more materialistic than me. He doesn't know how to enjoy hisself or have a good time if he isn't spending money. I'm not sure how to make sure someone I meet has that core value. Because he hid it well in the beginning.
Oh Grace I saw a quote today that is my new mantra the happiest people don't have the best of everything, it's just that they make the best of everything!
the disturbing dreams - you could use them as an opportunity for growth - as i've recently found out.
i had a really disturbing dream a couple of weeks ago - and was really upset from it so asked a couple of people - as well as listened to a couple of abraham hicks thingies on utube, on dreams
so the basic thing is that what happens in your dream is probably your fears manifesting. but then all these screwy things happen, and often what disturbs one the most is the emotion that one is feeling while all this is happening. i found that to acknowledge that the story line was not the issue, but the emotion i was experiencing was the message and to explore that and go from there.
a friend whose a therapist - suggested that the first question i could ask myself is 'how could i help others?" she said that question, when she's working with her clients, seems to set the mind off on a path that takes them to unexpected discoveries.
looking back i am convinced that that dream, and asking myself that questions and inspecting the emotion was pivotal in helping me make that last 180 and changing the pattern between h and myself, in terms of decision making.
so try to explore the emotions you were feeling in the dream - it took me a couple of days to be able to begin to deal with it - it felt too raw at first.
"It's been his pain vs my pain"
that is really what happened isn't it - one against the other, the crazy dance, where it's one person's turn and then the others.
h would always say to me that no other couple functioned that way - the problem was unique to us. if only he knew...
i feel that my h hid some of his core values from me too, and i think that maybe was the cause of the tipping point of the beginning of the crisis to start - they are sensing deep within themselves that they are not living authentically, and that off feeling begins to be directed at you, because you are the source of it (they fear , i think that if they stopped posturing, we wouldn't accept them)
on the other hand - brit i will point out - that sometimes when people are unhappy - they spend money to feel better.
before i married h i lived on barely anything and never had the need to spend money. by the 4th or 5th year, i had this slight compulsion to do so - it was a response to h's constant "we don't have any money mantra' that scared the [censored] out of me. i was puzzled why i had changed in an area which i had never been like that.
funny how after we walked out, i reverted really quickly to my old self and that urge to spend is totally gone. i think it was a symptom of one of the pressures i felt in the relationship. so it could possibly be that your h really wasn't that way when you met and you read him correctly, but something in r caused those dynamics to emerge.
just my rankling thoughts this morning
zig
Thanks Zig!! I will do just that let myself think about the emotions and feelings in that dream. I know part of the reason it disturbed me is that I actually heard his voice in my dream and although I was happy on one level I was upset on another and then I wasn't happy with the way he was acting even though it was a position I'd put him in. I think that's key and I need to think about that later. In a way in my dream I set him up and then wasn't happy with he acted. He had other choices but I was the catalyst.
Maybe my subconscious is telling me that I shouldn't put him in positions he's not ready for yet. One of my thoughts lately is that he says I'm his best friend but what exactly is out friendship supposed to look like now.
You are very true about it was either he was hurt or you were. I think it's very common with the whole victim/rescuer/persecutor drama triangle. It's very very common.
So after all my ruminating. Feeling strange about where do we go from here? What is our R supposed to look like right now? Is there going to be a friendship etc. He texts me today.
So that's twice now he's texted me on weekends. hey it's the little steps MWD says right? He texted me a joke something I used to say that my mom used to say that both thought was funny. That's all he sent 3 lines that my mom used to say that I used to say because he obviously sitting about home (or her home) about to watch a film and thought about that and he can't say it to her because it would mean nothing and the explanation wouldn't be good. Or he's alone. But either way he thought of me and texted.
Again my first trigger response is anger like why do you just get to randomly text me something nice. I'm such a d*ck. I want him to text me, to be my friend, why is my knee jerk to act like I'm on Springer and want to take off my earrings. That's old Brit.
I have replied with something else my mom would have said and told him a movie me and S watched recently. He said he's never seen it. To which I replied I couldn't believe and that it was my fave by that director etc. I was being honest and then I thought how have we never said this to each other. How does he not know and we never watched it together. I like this....it's like MWD says they have to think they don't know all there is to know about you.
Zig, I am the SAME way! In fact when H came over for dinner a few weeks ago he said let me guess this cost you under 5. And I said are you kidding me more like 2.80 because the leftovers will be frozen for another meal. I now spend a week on food what he spend on one meal. I think he was unhappy about a lot of things, his job being one of them. And having a tight budget he felt insecure like he couldn't provide. I remember planning days out that was very inexpensive or free and then I stopped because sometimes he'd laugh at them.
Brit, I think he keeps texting you because he hasn't given up on you two. I know there will be all kinds of negatives about that but... I like to think of it as a positive. If you want there to be another chance (and I know you're not sure but you're not definite), keep being his FRIEND.
you're doing great.
Thank you SS. Having read your post and thinking about my dream, I think this is a pattern since the split. He starts hedging closing, opening himself up and then I demand something more, I put him in this position where I basically ask him for something he isn't in a place to give like with the bomb.
I know you're not sure but you're not definite
you put it perfectly. I'm not sure, but I'm not definite. And I now know that if you're not definite then stay still.
You're right in that there would be negative from people who don't believe in grace. Who think that I should deny him my friendship because he's now in a relationship. I read something today on grace and apparently one of the definitions is a reprieve.
A friend of mine said that when I evaluate what I should I do when it comes to H, I shouldn't think of it in context of everything else: our sitch, our history, my emotions, hurts/expectations...just think right now. Right now is it okay that he thought of our joke and texted me yes.
Thanks TinMan and RoughEnough, I'll have a look at your threads tonight/tomorrow.
Feeling very positive today: my horoscope said that there's been a lot of water under bridges in the past years and lately there's been a river that I've been wondering how I can cross it, but that soon I'll the opportunity to build many bridges.
I thought that was great because I find myself using bridges as an analogy in my sitch when I say that I'll cross that bridge when I come to it or when I went to that meditation class I visualized him meeting me on a bridge and even had a physical one in mind.
This morning I randomly thought about him texting me yesterday and again was struck by how different we are. If I were the one in a R, considering moving in with someone, I wouldn't text him. I probably wouldn't even think of him. I don't know what it says that he does reach out or that I wouldn't work for the friendship if I had "moved on". The person I want to be would still strive to have a friendship and that's what I'm doing.
brit-
scaredsilly is right.. he is still thinking of you. i call that a positive, at least for you wanting to be friends. you are doing great. i need your recipes if you are eating a meal for under 5! lol
brit, I love the concept of grace. Sometimes that's what is needed, grace and forgiveness.
...and this is great
A friend of mine said that when I evaluate what I should I do when it comes to H, I shouldn't think of it in context of everything else: our sitch, our history, my emotions, hurts/expectations...just think right now. Right now is it okay that he thought of our joke and texted me yes.
Lately I have really been homesick and have honestly thought of moving home especially when feeling alone, broke, alienated, etc
However I've looked long and hard and I do think that in my life I often think that moving and a fresh start will solve things. And it probably gives me a diversion because I plan, a distraction because I could daydream about being somewhere else, and a sense of purpose because I was moving forward.
I'm trying to analyse what it is that I'm missing: comfort, reassurance, familiarity, my culture, close community,
I remember talking to my mom on the phone and she spoke to me in sort of two languages. I had been avoiding talking to her after I told her about the separation...I was so ashamed. And hearing her talk to me in that accent, in that language, it did me in really. Just in tears and yet comforted at the same.
I am trying really hard to separate my healing. that the pain of change and an ending doesn't necessarily have to do with missing H and the M.
In fact when Zig was talking about the situation with her S, I remembered when my S said something to me so dismissive and rude and was exactly what H would have said and I turned to him and said "H doesn't live here because he talked to me that way, you are certainly not allowed to" Because was so cold and mean to me. I remember yelling at him towards the end when I was done with it that he wouldn't dream of talking to friends, coworkers or his mother that way so why is it okay to be so hateful towards me. Everyone saw him as the nice guy but he had a very cold, cutting side to him that hurt me.
I am not making everything I feel to be a direct result of him.
While I thought that the answer was to plan a trip home maybe for Christmas, I now think the answer is to challenge myself to step outside the box. It came up recently when S mentioned a town and said what's there again and I said oh you know it has the big cathedral we always go there for xmas eve for H and IL's and he said what will we do this xmas? I said what would you like to do have our own xmas here or go home and see [my mom], or do something crazy and go on a vacation to a warm beach? And he said what about Paris?
Part of me can think of nothing worse: romantic, cold, possibly bleak. But maybe that's the answer to push myself to do something different. It's a long way off, but I am thinking instead of idealizing home (or a move in genera) perhaps I need to stop that pattern and stay still. It's a theme that comes up more and more.
Beginners mind there are many more options that just running away or starting over.
hi brit,
great, great insight...
pema chodron always talks about the moment we hit our edge
and the choice is to either run to something
or to sit in it...
you are sitting..
and that is where insight and awareness comes.
and it has for you.
awesome.
Thank you Grace. I'm going to look into that.
This afternoon I was "ruminating" about how this is my happiness. And for maybe the first time in my life the happiness I feel inside isn't because I have a crazy scheme going, a new job opportunity, a vacation or trip planned, or a R. What I am feeling right now is just my happiness.
I don't want to contrast it against what H is doing. Like Bug says he has his path I have mine. But I'm really just happy that I've found this.
I think because I didn't like me, it was hard to respect him because he liked me. I thought on some level that he was tricked because I wasn't really the person he saw, or that if he liked me he must not be good enough.
It's strange. It really is..but I am liking myself now.
oh happy day!!!!
H just texted me to say that he'd talked to S and they'd made plans to go to the movies next week. He wanted to double check that was okay with me.
He gave me the details and I said again that it was fine and then said I'm glad you guys are hanging out. (not sure if that was too much) and put two lines on my health issue. Because he's always asked in the past and I would update a friend. He replied updating me on his and asked how old are we discussing doctor's visits. I had a laugh at that and I feel really good at our communication.
I have been on the fence about the whole issue I can't "fix" H and SS relationship. He raised him since he was 8/9 and now he's 16. He included things about him in our W vows and he always calls him "his boy" I have not wanted to make an issue of it. Especially after someone gave me a 2x4 that I should never remind H of his old bad R with his dad. I have also had a hard time the idea that he wouldn't want a R with S, would I want to ever be with him again if that were true, and did I make a bad choice. I of course came to the decision that there's nothing I can do about his choice or S's choice to contact him, that would be a bridge I'd have to cross when the time came, and no I didn't make a bad choice.
So stepping back, staying still and giving HIM SPACE TO MAKE HIS OWN DECISION, (yes DR is right, Cadet is right, MWD is right) and when they make their own decisions rather than you manipulating or forcing the issue you're much happier when it happens.
So yes one of my bridges has just been built. And no matter what happens in the future I'm glad that they are hanging out. It works perfectly because I was planning to see a very girly musical at the theater that night!
oh happy day!!!!
H just texted me to say that he'd talked to S and they'd made plans to go to the movies next week. He wanted to double check that was okay with me.
He gave me the details and I said again that it was fine and then said I'm glad you guys are hanging out. (not sure if that was too much)
How lovely of him to do this! I don't think what you said (quoted above) was too much. I would also suggest throwing in something more from S's point of view ("I'm sure S would really enjoy that, you are important to him / he likes spending time with you / other truthful statement") so that his actions are less about pleasing
you and more about pleasing
S. Afterward you could mention how happy it made you to see S so happy, or something like that. Just a thought
Thanks Vera I was worried about making too big a deal of it. you don't know if you should praise praise praise or possibly scare of the rabbit by getting overly excited.
awesome news Brit. so glad for your S, and for your H and you. i think you handled it really well and like verab's comment too.
I think that praising him w/r/t S, if it seemed like H had a hard time figuring out how to deal with him, can't be a bad thing. (I remember you discussing their dynamic but I can't remember quite where the post was!)
no you're right. I sometimes felt like I micromanaged there R, H also felt like I put S before him. Something I think is common in step parent R. Because of that sometimes I wouldn't say anything if I disagreed with some of H's parenting decisions. But he only saw the times I did and said that by the time he left he felt like he ranked lower than S in family importance.
ANYWAY, H agrees that S has better interactions with both us when it's one on one time.
After H left he said well when I come visit S doesn't even hang out and I said he's 16 you have to be the adult. Anyway, I am glad that he did this on his own. If I know H, he has been wanting to and didn't know how. I think once it happens I will mention to H how much S seemed to enjoy it. But I think H will see that on his own. He mentioned it back in April when they spent time together.
Hi Brit,
Thank you for your feedback. Your comments make me wonder if sometimes the WAS comes back after they realized you have found someone else. I know you’ve been active on this board so I am curious if you see common themes about what people do right for a successful reconciliation. I would appreciate it if you could post any feedback on my thread. Thanks again for your input.
Because two family members had commented on a photo of H, I saw it in my FB timeline. It was a photo of him and GF and her family at what looked like a wedding.
Oddly it didn't really bother me. I could go into a few of the reasons but what happened next is important.
Because it didn't bother me, I kinda tested myself and looked at his profile.
One of her friends had put up 3 pics of him.
Two were the photos of the family posing together. The third was one of her friends posing for the camera but in the background was him leaning up against a fence looking absolutely MISERABLE. GF was stood about two steps away and up from him and some guy was kinda looking at him.
Let me just tell you I don't miss at all going to family events, formal functions, business functions, parties at friends at houses, anything that involves socializing and having to baby sit him or circulating myself and glancing over and there he is with this MISERABLE POUTING FACE.
I laughed out loud. And then I took a screen shot of the photo on my phone. I had started to believe that he was only that way towards the end, he was different in the beginning of our R, and the difference was me or him being unhappy. Either way HE HASN'T CHANGED!
yes, I wish that he'd find happiness and not go to events that he won't enjoy. But it goes a long way towards stopping my fantasies of him suddenly being a different partner with a new GF.
Also he certainly misses us. This meant he texted me the day after this wedding maybe after he got home, then he made plans with S yesterday and last week when he'd come back from this weekend away with her, he texted me first thing the next morning and asked to come over that night. I don't want to be the "I stepped out of my comfort zone with GF" now I want to check in with Brit, I'm not sure how to handle that.
that is funny in a twisted way. guess the GF has him doing stuff he doesnt like. either he is going to keep being miserable or heis going to do something about it. i wouldnt say he stepped out of his CZ at all. standing around not talking seems to be his CZ. i would say its a positive that he wanted to stop by and see you. a huge positive planning an outing with your S! keep doing whats working brit! you seem in a good place and it might be rubbing off..
don't handle it - indifference and detachment means no matter what he is or isn't doing - you stay consistent in your behavior towards him - on all levels.
hey -good one on the FB pics of him miserable. and it breaking your thoughts on him being totally different with her. that helps me a lot . h said SO MUCH about that after the bomb - that it really affected and i was imagining him leading this supercool jet set life with her, when he's with her.
but you are soooo right - they take the misery with them - and ow can't see it yet because it's honeymoon stage.
stay strong girl.hey and don't care whether he misses you - that's not being detached right? me, myself, i'm still exploring the parameters of detachment!!
zig
Thanks guys!
Dakota you make you laugh!
standing around not talking seems to be his CZ
this is very very true. There were times and moments when he wasn't this way, but that face he had in the picture. I remember that face and I remember being embarrassed in front of my friends/family/coworkers that he would literally find a corner and pout.
they take the misery with them
It's sad because I do want him to be happy. And he's still not happy with himself or being himself or whatever. People who are happy with themselves don't act that way in public settings.
it breaking your thoughts on him being totally different with her. that helps me a lot . h said SO MUCH about that after the bomb - that it really affected and i was imagining him leading this supercool jet set life with her, when he's with her.
I think because H had described her as being a lot like a girl he had a crush on before we met who is very UNLIKE me and told me that she and him were very alike and that he could listen to her talk about her job forever. I don't know...I thought that in general he was a happier person with her.
I left our sitch and I've been on a freakin hell of a journey but you know what I feel so much happier and more comfortable in my skin.
My IC offhandedly mentioned once "well if this guy wants to be independent so much he's not going to be happy with a needy girl" When I saw that picture I thought he's just traded being miserable at my events to being miserable at her events and done it pretty quickly!
I do want him to be happy. But his choices and the level of happiness he decides he comfortable living with is none of my business.
Zig, thank you for keeping me on the straight and narrow road of detachment.
I have a VERY busy weekend coming up.
thank you for keeping me on the straight and narrow road of detachment.
oh groan -wish i could keep ME on it as easily. but as others have said on this board countless times - in reading other's posts and seeing where they are struggling with something, really helps each of us to see where we can get better at something ourselves.
always a hidden agenda isn't there? (grin)
oh, cynical world...
no really - it's easier to see where the little catches are in someone else's sitch and it really helps us apply them to our own, i'm starting to discover
and to sort of refer to the convo on needgrace's thread - it's an opportunity to do better
busy this weekend - hope you're gal'ing off the charts
zig
ps - i liked very much what your IC said -
I've decided I'm giving myself 2 weeks to decide on whether or not to move from the place I'm renting. TBH, it would be so much upheaval for S because we're near his school. And this place allows a pet. I'm thinking that staying still is the best thing. It's only really another year until S finishes school (scary thought) and then I could move anywhere in the country (again scary thought) so I think I'm leaning towards living cheap for the next year and then evaulating.
I said on someone's thread that if my IC had said okay you're unhappy but it's not like you're in danger in you M. Let's work on getting you happier with you for say 6 months, a year and then make a decision. How this whole thing could have turned out differently. I'm applying that to this sitch too my threshold of patience and time has changed so much. I'm appreciating the gift of time like never before.
H kept talking about my schedule (and how I always had plans and lists) How much better is life with no schedule?
Maybe I'll have more kids maybe I won't. Maybe I'll move home one day maybe I won't. Maybe H and I will work out maybe not. Let's just work on me being happier with me and then reevaulate.
PS one of the things I am routinely grateful for is this board. I don't know how many times I have turned to you guys for help/support/knowledge. I feel as thought I've learnt and grown so much in the past month from finding you. I'm grateful for the friends I've made and from the support of knowing I'm not alone in my feelings. others feel the same way. it's not unique. My M problems are very common. This is a fantastic community.
Putting these here because I think I'd like to look back on it.
Woke up from a dream that I was in my house and saw H through the window coming in the gate. I was upset (noting all my emotions) because I wasn't prepared for visitors. I was in pjs. I went to the door upset and annoyed and tried to compose myself and said you didn't call. He said something about gardening and wanted to show me what he'd done
He cut down the entire hedge on the side of the house and dug a drain or ditch. I was outraged slightly violated and shocked. You can't cut down a hedge my hedge without asking!
We went over to a vehicle that now looking back was similar to one we used to own. Inside we started talking. I was asking him about things he'd done and things going on in his like. It was all GF's work, GF's family, etc etc I was trying to be friendly and upbeat but I did say a few things that looking back were to point out things he was doing wrong and it didn't seem to bother him at all. I brought up something that I knew about but pretended I didn't and he started and then said no, I shouldn't tell you.
Also randomly a fox and a lynx ran past I said I'd never seen one and he said it was the truck
I woke up confused. But at ate same time feeling wonderful in my bed, cozy, and last night for the first time I didn't feel strange going to bed alone, turning off lights, locking up, I felt fine. I noticed that and was happy.
I was reading Pema Chodron quotes last night and found this. It made me cry:
“There is a story of a woman running away from tigers. She runs and runs and the tigers are getting closer and closer. When she comes to the edge of a cliff, she sees some vines there, so she climbs down and holds on to the vines. Looking down, she sees that there are tigers below her as well. She then notices that a mouse is gnawing away at the vine to which she is clinging. She also sees a beautiful little bunch of strawberries close to her, growing out of a clump of grass. She looks up and she looks down. She looks at the mouse. Then she just takes a strawberry, puts it in her mouth, and enjoys it thoroughly. Tigers above, tigers below. This is actually the predicament that we are always in, in terms of our birth and death. Each moment is just what it is. It might be the only moment of our life; it might be the only strawberry we’ll ever eat. We could get depressed about it, or we could finally appreciate it and delight in the preciousness of every single moment of our life.”
― Pema Chödrön, The Wisdom of No Escape: How to Love Yourself and Your World
But what jumped out to me is as I'm reading the story like I always do in puzzles and riddles I'm analyzing from all angles, I'm thinking how can she solve this, and then she sees the strawberries. And I think oh this is what she'll do...she throw a strawberry up on the cliff and the mouse will eat the strawberry and leave her vine alone..saving her from the tigers below.
But when I finish the story, I'm overwhelmed by outcome and the lesson.
Then I meditated a bit about what my thought process was and why. If the woman had thrown the strawberry and distracted the mouse...what kind of life would she have lived dangling from a vine. She might have earned herself a few more hours, maybe the tigers above would have left. My instinct was not to enjoy the moments I had but to plan, scheme and survive. I keep thinking I've gotten to a place of living in the moment and enjoying the moment but I still have a long way to go.
I think the lesson I took from that was that I should see more things in my life as gifts rather than solutions. What "strawberries" am I wasting on things in my life? Am I throwing away strawberries that are there for me to eat?
I know this may sound crazy, but it really spoke to me in a strange way. And my reaction spoke even more to me.
i really like that. i need to eat a strawberry when i have the chance. not think about it, wonder why its there, etc..just eat it and enjoy.
Was looking for the link to the Pursuit/Distancer info and started reading my own thread.
The last bomb was May 22 and in the words of Virginia Slim (Or Peggy if you watch Mad Men) you've come a LONG way baby)
I have to take a new path which is non-pursuit, no manipulation, not being selfish, not sabotaging our friendship or his new R, I want to get through a day without beating myself up over something that happened between us or mistakes I made. That's my first goal.
I've DONE that! How amazing! In the past everytime we'd have a good interaction I would overstep the line, act rash, etc. it's been a few weeks and I've achieved this goal
Can you love someone and let them make choices even when those choices hurt you? And can you do THAT while keeping enough detachment to not take it personally, not see it as a rejection, and not be a victim.
YES! for the first time when I saw something about H & GF (those pictures at the wedding) I didn't take it as a rejection of me.
And *if* we tried again I would hope that he would find the space to stand up and state what he wants because I would have stopped being selfish and demanding.
What I've learned is that in any of my R when I am selfish/demanding/controlling I take away people's ability to be themselves because I'm doing it for them.
I read back over my very first thread and I came to a little bit of a conclusion. The pattern that's been happening is that he lets me in to be his friend and I get expectations and do something to scare him. I never hear from him on weekends because he's with her. We had started to build a very nice friendship with him sending me funny texts etc. What did I do? have expectations which led to the bomb being that much harder to take and act rash. I acted rash about him taking an item from the garage and I really acted rash during the bomb.
Regardless of his choices, I'm not doing a very good job of being consistent. He keeps saying he doesn't want to lead me on. So what happens he opens himself up to being my friend and I show him that I'm still in love with him.
I'm taking that off the table which should be pretty easy considering the fact that I think he has things to work on which he isn't doing currently. It's completely out of my hands right now. And I KNOW I do that he probably thinks we just need some space after my outburst. And he's maybe wondering if he can even be friends because of my smothering.
I think this is what my dream was saying again. He did something drastic removed the hedge and put in a drain (which isn't that a symbol of a boundary and a drain/ditch is the opposite of stopping something it's starting a flow.) I over react and say you can't just DO THAT! I act rash without finding out why. I'm just angry that I didn't know and wasn't consulted and it just seems crazy/outrageous. But he made a decision I acted crazy. Then later in the dream I "tested" him. Asked him about something I already knew about that I knew he wasn't sharing with me (again the theme of me putting in situations that he's not ready for) and then he tells me he's can't tell me, he's not going to.
i really like that. i need to eat a strawberry when i have the chance. not think about it, wonder why its there, etc..just eat it and enjoy.
AGREED!!!
But what jumped out to me is as I'm reading the story like I always do in puzzles and riddles I'm analyzing from all angles, I'm thinking how can she solve this, and then she sees the strawberries. And I think oh this is what she'll do...she throw a strawberry up on the cliff and the mouse will eat the strawberry and leave her vine alone..saving her from the tigers below.
But when I finish the story, I'm overwhelmed by outcome and the lesson.
Then I meditated a bit about what my thought process was and why. If the woman had thrown the strawberry and distracted the mouse...what kind of life would she have lived dangling from a vine. She might have earned herself a few more hours, maybe the tigers above would have left. My instinct was not to enjoy the moments I had but to plan, scheme and survive. I keep thinking I've gotten to a place of living in the moment and enjoying the moment but I still have a long way to go.
I think the lesson I took from that was that I should see more things in my life as gifts rather than solutions. What "strawberries" am I wasting on things in my life? Am I throwing away strawberries that are there for me to eat?
I know this may sound crazy, but it really spoke to me in a strange way. And my reaction spoke even more to me.
Wow. This is really profound. I'm going to have to ruminate on this some more.
Putting these here because I think I'd like to look back on it.
Woke up from a dream that I was in my house and saw H through the window coming in the gate. I was upset (noting all my emotions) because I wasn't prepared for visitors. I was in pjs. I went to the door upset and annoyed and tried to compose myself and said you didn't call. He said something about gardening and wanted to show me what he'd done
He cut down the entire hedge on the side of the house and dug a drain or ditch. I was outraged slightly violated and shocked. You can't cut down a hedge my hedge without asking!
We went over to a vehicle that now looking back was similar to one we used to own. Inside we started talking. I was asking him about things he'd done and things going on in his like. It was all GF's work, GF's family, etc etc I was trying to be friendly and upbeat but I did say a few things that looking back were to point out things he was doing wrong and it didn't seem to bother him at all. I brought up something that I knew about but pretended I didn't and he started and then said no, I shouldn't tell you.
Also randomly a fox and a lynx ran past I said I'd never seen one and he said it was the truck
I woke up confused. But at ate same time feeling wonderful in my bed, cozy, and last night for the first time I didn't feel strange going to bed alone, turning off lights, locking up, I felt fine. I noticed that and was happy.
I'm not a professional dream interpreter, but here's my take: this sounds a little to me like you are working on you (the house in your dream). You're not ready for visitors/houseguests because you're still working on you (in your PJs - you're vulnerable). H shows up (because he's around and still in your life). He wants to show you the gardening (something he's doing in his life). But when you see that he's doing things in his life (outside your house) that are irritating it's because it's not what you would do or what you would give him "permission" to do but he's doing it anyway because he's not in your house.
As for the truck part and after, I don't know, but you were talking about GF so understandably it's in your house brain.
But good to take the feelings you noted and think about what they're trying to tell you.
That's some stuff to think about! Thanks Vera!
He's coming by tonight. I texted him about the house (strictly business) He said he would come by and do it tonight. I hadn't asked him to do anything. Just asked if he knew if we had something in the garage. I was uneasy because of course I find it hard to just accept his helpfulness. I replied and thanked him a few times.
I know his LOL is acts of service (almost to a fault) so I should let him do this. I'm going to use this visit as Kaffe said as a test to my changes.
Something in my thread that jumped out of me that I'd forgotten about "You can't talk your way out of a sitch you acted your way into" I don't remember who said that, but it's true.
wow brit - you are processing and working through a lot-in the last few hours.
good for you - all this is part of your growth, and the dermas, just help you work through more stuff.
pema's story about the tigers - i think it's from her first book - have you read it? i think it might resonate with you a lot.
i imagine you'll still be processing through the next day or 2. take it easy on yourself and keep yourself to yourself when h comes over
zig
Good morning Brit,
Wow, what a dream.
When I read it, I was wondering if the hedge was some sort of barrier to your knowledge of yourself, your awareness of your true feelings and your growth. I saw the drain as the place where your feelings can properly flow. Then I was wondering if you were able to see the fox and lynx (new things) because the hedge was gone.
In the dream how were you feeling while talking to him?
Well Zig I do have the day off and I woke up with the dream and I guess I just have been "ruminating" in a good way for most of the day.
The strawberry thing was last night but I didn't post it. I haven't read any Pema but I will. All of the quotes really resonate with me.
Lately I've been thinking about things in my life where I've not done things because I had to stick to my schedule. I always say I love living where I do and it's worth the extra money but am I really enjoying all of it? There are shops I've never been to, trails I've never walked, etc. all the strawberries...LOL
Grace...I felt like I was working really hard in the conversation. That I was trying so hard to communicate to have a conversation, to get him to talk to me, and then I tried asking him about something. So if I see him as the sitch...and the sitch has broken down a barrier and initially I'm outraged because it's new and I'm scared because it's out of my comfort zone but then I just accept it. Then I try really really hard to interact with the sitch constantly asking questions and finally it says I don't think you're ready to talk about that. You're pushing to find out what you already know. We were inside the truck and when I looked out that's when I saw something new. Maybe I need to stop dwelling on our M for awhile and just look out.
it's like Kaffe or someone said two people looking in the same direction.
hmm interesting.
That interpretation fits with the strawberry story.. wow, your brain is really working, round the clock
Maybe I need to stop dwelling on our M for awhile and just look out.
This is good! Thank you for the reminder!
I survived his visit. He came in and played with the dog. We talked about our respective doctor sitchs and he laughed that we're so old to talk about this. He went to the handyman stuff.
I mentioned that it "looked like he had a fun weekend" I know that there are various opinions on me bringing up this. But I really really wanted to show him that I can talk about his R and not be a big deal that I can be supportive. He said "yeah, it was up near where we went that time, etc etc" It's a gorgeous part of the country and I have to admit I was slightly jealous that he was away with her for the weekend there. And then I remembered that picture of him looking miserable and decided to not be jealous. HAHA I remember also at Christmas I really wanted to do the whole family thing because they'd invited me and S and when we went he was miserable. and I thought why did I even see that as something I'd be missing out on. family is important to me and he didn't want to be there. It was me and his sister forcing everyone to play board games. So don't romanticise that trip!
He then told me a story about having car trouble (his precious unreliable gas guzzler that they took on the long trip instead of hers which is much more efficient...for appearance sake sheesh) He said everyone was asking him about the car and he meanwhile on the way home he has this problem.
I thought it was odd that he didn't tell me what the event was. If it was a wedding or whatever.
Anyway, he confirmed plans with S. Which was good. Then I talked about a financial thing and he was cool with it. Then I gave him two pieces of art. One that was his that I'd found and one that initially I said I wanted, but I think I only wanted it because I was trying to hold on. He said are you sure? And I said yeah, I like it but I still haven't even put it up. And I think you like it more. So you should have it. and he said if you're sure... and I laughed and said yeah, of course why and he said I don't know it's all weird. And I laughed again and I said it's not weird, take the picture!
I feel like overall it was friendly.
I have no more expectations. It's a sad strange feeling. Her profile picture on FB is now of the two of them. He's not looking to me for changes or considering me as a possibility and to be honest I don't know that I'd want to be one.
He looks rough right now. He isn't working on himself. I've said I want to be his friend and I do. But he's starting to become that friend that you like, but that you know they aren't the best of people.
Very early in my thread UNDERDOG told me to remember that I was meant to walk this path and to not forget why I left. I feel like a little bit I'm grieving again the end of the M, and the end of what I believed about him? I don't know. Perhaps I was meant to walk this path from meeting him to leaving him to falling on my face and learning. And it's a not a bad thing. It's hard, but it's a blessing
I'm going dark for no other reason than I'm not sure what our friendship is, I was the fixer for so long that I can't be the fixer now.
It used to seem so big so massive that this R would be over. But now I think when I'm 60 what will 6 years in my late 20s early 30s really be.
In GAL activities I'm going to visit a friend in two weeks and she messaged me to say there's a company party one night. We work for the same company in different areas. She lives in a city that I've said before I wouldn't mind living in....so the fact that I'll be going to a company event is really cool. Who knows if nothing will come of that but it's a good start.
I don't know why this visit made me feel this way maybe it was all of it and the visit combined. I wasn't attracted to him. I didn't feel much of anything. And maybe that's why. I suddenly thought why am I putting in this effort. Him in person is different than the guy who texts me on Sunday with a private family joke about something my mother would say. And I don't know about any of that anymore.
And again....if I were his GF I would not be happy knowing he was sending that text to his W. That's the integrity bit I don't like.
sounds like you are detaching more and more..
it is strange how we romanticize things and give our spouses superpowers when they leave, and then start to view everything much more realistically as we detach..
i like your idea about looking back over the length and breadth of our lives to put things in perspective.
asking about his weekend was such a show of your strength.. i still think we need the WWBD t-shirts
Really? Because I worried it was pushy? I'm glad I did I feel like because in the beginning I barred talk of his R that he still is on eggshells about it around me.
As detached as I feel (and my house is sparkling from stop ruminating) there is still a part of me that would want to try a R....does that ever go away?
i just was thinking and wondering if H looks less appealing bc that is reality or a way to cope with the disappointment? i ask bc i wonder that about my situation sometimes.
but maybe the truth is not either/or but both. it is reality but when we are in a M we hopefully learn to focus on the best of them, leaving the dislikes blurry..
and now we see everything more clearly, the flaws too, and that helps us cope with it all.
I do think I don't have him on a pedestal and so I am looking at him with the eyes of someone not in love.
But yes counting all the negatives is a way to cope a bit with rejection/dissapointment because I remind myself well I don't want him anyway! Haha
I did have a reaction to her FB picture and had to have a talk with myself why. And i said over and over to myself "then thats his choice" "then he will live eith that" In a strange way I am thankful that he met someone first because I've had to go through this growth rather than have a band aid of my own.
It's hard thing to admit that your spouse doesn't want to be the person you want them to be even if that's a better person.
I forgot to say I did text him after he left to say thank you (I didn't while he was here) and he said no problem happy to help and he's glad my medical drama is almost over. I didn't reply.
I'm confused so darkness here we come!
i just read your post after i posted my "crazy post for the day"
i realized i feel a lot like you - in terms of being around h - but at the same time still yearning for things to get better.
you're right though - we hold on this image of what we want to believe they are, but the reality doesn't even begin to hit close.
h told me in the weeks after the bomb - this is who i really am this is what i do, and i thought to myself - no that's not true. maybe he IS right - this is who he really is - a person not in touch with himself who can't really live with the integrity needed to live happily, and here i am, agonizing over it.
I'm going dark for no other reason than I'm not sure what our friendship is, I was the fixer for so long that I can't be the fixer now.
i like this - i've also puzzled over this friendship thing - it's not friendship to me, and i'm not willing to be friends. my friends don't betray and lie to me and treat me badly - if they did, i wouldn't continue the friendship
I suddenly thought why am I putting in this effort. Him in person is different than the guy who texts me on Sunday with a private family joke about something my mother would say. And I don't know about any of that anymore.
you're right - it's part of the paradox of facing the reality of the situation you're in. it's only when we really really face it, that this awareness begins to emerge
thanks brit - for writing out your feelings
zig
I like to think of going dark/dim like wrapping myself in a cozy, warm blanket. It feels good to me and keeps me warm.
It must have been a blow to see him change the profile picture. (This is why I like avoiding FB). And it's sad that it seems like he's not doing so well. Hopefully he'll figure out at some point how to take care of himself.
I think you handled the interaction well and good for not replying to the last text.
WWBD!!
So I had this crazy thought to myself oh god what if he takes her to this event coming up that I've always wanted to go to and there was excuse after excuse but he'll finally go with her. And then I thought how long is that going to go on?
I thought it was the end of the world if he continued dating/moving in/going on vacation, etc etc. I can't keep giving power to these monsters in the closet
I have to separate the fantasy of a BF/H that enjoys going to these events and PLANS these things with the reality of how he always acted in these sitches when we were together. And I also need to separate the hurt of him now doing it from the desire of me wanting someone to do those things with.
So a great day/night planned for Friday. Day with S on Sat and Mon. Night out with a friend to the Theatre mid week then weekend away the next weekend. I'm doing the things I want to do. And someone wonderful WILL join me!
someone wonderful will join you. of that i am sure. you amaze me with your point of view. it helps me think. thank you. i guess the WWBD thing is catching on.. lmao
HA! It's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of...like the pied piper I'm leading you people into the center of crazytown!!!
So it's the nightly Pema bible study lol and I'm writing now so I don't dream about it!!
Pema says "so if The hot loneliness is there and we sit for 1.6 seconds of restlessness when yesterday we couldn't sit for even one that's the journey of a warrior."
Well I cried happy years because tonight I had a moment where I told you guys about monsters in the closet etc and I was feeling the fear but the fear was that I'd spiral that all this work and happy feelings and I'd still be a mess. I was worried I wouldn't be able to sleep etc.
Well now...now...I read this and I think I did just that. I didn't freak out. I may have had restlessness but I was able to "sit" with it longer.
ARGH!!!!!
So let's remember again why I miss being a part of H's family.
MIL came this morning to pick up the dog. She has the day off and wanted to let mine play with hers in their massive back garden.
Remember shovel-gate of mid May? I told him I was going to buy my own and he said don't be silly and I said no really it's fine. And then he brought me one from his mom while he was helping GF move?
Well I keep forgetting to give it to him to bring to MIL so I put it next to the front door. When she came over, we talked, we laughed, it was good.
Then I said oh and do you want to take this (point at shovel)
Her: Do I? (as if i was offering a bag of dirt)
Me: It's yours I keep forgetting to give it to h.
[if looks could kill fellow DBers I would not be alive to type these words]
Her: oh is it....see I don't know. H just takes things and then they show back up. When was this?
(she's trying to lighten the mood but I'm sitting there thinking is she upset at him or upset at the fact he loaned it to me? He's made mention that she is sometimes a bit upset about the amount he's involved with me)
Me: Um I don't know back when he helped GF (I even used her name GO ME) move. I'm sure he told you because he said that you'd said Make sure you bring it back because FIL will miss it.
Her: oh yes he would. okay right then I shall take it.
INTEGRITY PEOPLE!!!! This man constantly tells people what they want to hear. He knows she would have said why doesn't Brit buy her own shovel. Which Brit said the same damn thing. And I bet he never mentioned any of this to GF because it's all too weird. That he would bring me a shovel he borrowed from his mom even though I didn't ask for it. All I want is someone transparent who doesn't lie or hide things because he thinks it's fine but they'll be upset.
He told me (recently) that when we met he was still going over to ex-GF's and mowing her lawn without telling me because I'd said she owned the house not him, she should be taking care of his own lawn. It just made me feel like I never knew him. When he said this I said "Great now I'm the [ex-GFs name]"
In other news his ebay password is saved on the "family computer" and I when i opened the page I saw his watch list. I know I know. Anyway...he's bought home ware type things. They were all themed or had to do with HER interests. I literally LOL'd. Not only is this man not focusing on him, he's completely immersing himself in her. The first time I saw his ebay was mid April. He was watching a few tshirts and wall art that were all his interests. And he'd bought her a key chain. But now everything is obviously her...he's never even had a passing interest in this stuff.
His mom remarked on how amazing I looked. And part of me in an evil way can't wait for shovel gate to explode in his face.
I texted him to remove my cc from his paypal so I can create my own that I was selling some clothes. He replied, said he did and congrats on going down so many sizes. I just said thanks.
one thing I wish I had done in hindsight was say that I hadn't asked for the shovel that I was going to buy one and H said don't spend money on something you'll use 3 times a year.
Because when shovel gate blows up, it'll end up sounding like I asked H and he didn't stand up to me. And he'll let everyone think that instead of owning up to wanting to do something for me.
So, the way I read this stuff about the shovel, it sounds more like he is a people pleaser and doesn't want anyone to get upset to he says what he thinks they want to hear rather than the truth but it's not for nefarious purposes. That is, it's not thoughtless lack of integrity. H used to do this too - tell me a partial/incomplete truth because he thought I'd get upset at the whole truth when in reality I was more upset that he didn't just tell me the whole truth. I think it's a fixer/control issue but comes across as an integrity issue but the roots are actually deeper.
Heh - I initially typed "depper" and had a Johnny Depp moment.
Ding Ding Ding! you are so right Vera!!!
I have seen this happen over and over again. I think I even said that he and I got into a big fight because he sent me a text that was meant for GF. It was flirty or lovey dovey but I replied and sorta said what are you talking about and then two seconds later said oh wait never mind that meant for her. And he tried to CONVINCE me that it was for me. Even saying that I was being too suspicious. Of course it made me feel like a nutcase and if he'd just said "yeah, oops sorry" it would have been fine.
This was a major problem in our M that I never knew if he really wanted to do something or was just saying that to please me. He routinely does things he doesn't want to do because he doesn't want to upset anyone. All he does is drift.
H used to do this too - tell me a partial/incomplete truth because he thought I'd get upset at the whole truth when in reality I was more upset that he didn't just tell me the whole truth.
YES!
This was a major problem in our M that I never knew if he really wanted to do something or was just saying that to please me. He routinely does things he doesn't want to do because he doesn't want to upset anyone. All he does is drift.
So, the way I'm trying to take this, the question is: was there anything in our behavior that made them feel like this was the only way to get information across to us? Were we too harsh (needlessly or without justification) when other truths were revealed that reinforced their beliefs that it was easier for them to tell us what we wanted to hear? Is there anything that we can change about how we deal with them to make it clear that telling the truth is a safe thing and will not be met with scorn? Ruminating...
I think this was an issue since day one. I think it's part of his personality that came before our R. Because I've seen this from day one. I think in the beginning he didn't have to say what I wanted to hear because he was happy to go along with anything I said or did. (GB summed this up great) He only had to lie to me when it came to his ex-GF. Because those were our only contentious issues!
I think that over time things he hadn't voiced an opinion on began to upset him more and more. He also routinely would be upset when he'd be booked up helping others with things that he'd agreed to do. It would drive me crazy because like Zig says we just want to say well than don't do that.
It's a pattern because if he thinks he'll upset you, he'll say it in a pouty embarrassed voice which then puts you in a position where you have to feel weird. He's not telling me anything anymore. He thinks I will be upset if I hear anything about his life.
I just think that the above sitch reinforced to me the man's issues in himself that he does with his relationships over and over not only to me but with his mom. I can guarantee you that his GF doesn't know how much he comes over or how much contact we have. And given her neediness at the start of them dating I'm sure she would flip.
I guess the point I was trying to make gets back to the beginner's mind - if we see things as a part of their personality, we believe it can't change. If we re-frame it as a habit, we see that it could change. Maybe if you mention offhand in a breezy way that you heard he did X, that's cool, so that you show you don't have an issue in it, he wouldn't say it in a pouty voice or think you'll be upset if you hear anything about his life. Does that make sense?
I guess the point I was trying to make gets back to the beginner's mind - if we see things as a part of their personality, we believe it can't change. If we re-frame it as a habit, we see that it could change. Maybe if you mention offhand in a breezy way that you heard he did X, that's cool, so that you show you don't have an issue in it, he wouldn't say it in a pouty voice or think you'll be upset if you hear anything about his life. Does that make sense?
God you're right and actually what I was doing is what Grace suggested yesterday seeing something in him as an ALWAYS to help with the disappointment.
That's exactly what I did yesterday...mention something he'd done with GF and it was fine. He hasn't talked in that voice to me in awhile but then again he hasn't talked to me about his life. I was also fine asking following up questions last week when he said they went to that event.
I have also not offered my opinion or advice since the bomb drop.
I'm not even sure if I want to reconcile. or if I'll ever have that opportunity. Being reminded this morning of the way he people pleases himself into trouble turned my stomach.
It's not just the people pleasing but the drifting. And not doing anything when he's in an unhappy sitch. I could give example after example. But it just drained me.
when I met him I thought he knew who he was and was caught up in a bad sitch...I don't even know if that was true. He was much more confident when we met.
Hi Brit,
Love the reference to shovelgate.. LOL.
I wonder though if the things we are recognizing and not liking about our spouses are the flip side of the things we do like and the reasons we fell in love with them. I believe that everyone's best qualities are linked to the things they struggle with..
it makes more sense now to remember the flip side, the things we don't like as we try to detach..
but the reason we still feel so much when we have contact is that we are reminded of the good qualities and times, even though we don't want to right now..
i know that whenever i hear from W, (even the small two one emails) i focus on the negative of how she says things and it reinforces the things I don't like about her,
but then, without a conscious effort, after the contact ends, I feel sad and miss her....
which makes me feel crazy bc I have just focused all this attention on her negatives...how could i feel this for someone I just thought was so horrible..sounds awfully masochistic
but I think my heart knows what my mind doesn't want to admit, that she is both.
^^^^ very true. I love that he is giving and kind but it is at his own expense sometimes.
very interesting about only seeing the flip side so that we don't have to see the other.
This is really thought provoking. Maybe it's also the realisation that we did not marry perfect people but natural rally flawed human beings.
I know I put my H on a pedestal, and when he didn't live up to my expectations I went at him for it. MY expectations. I did not give him a chance to be human. I expected too much without giving in return.
Gosh- there is a lot to think about. So many layers to unpeel.
Maybe because we didn't ackowledge their flaws we were the ones to drop the first bomb on them?
Busting, I did drop the first bomb. I was the one to say it wasn't working. When I look back the biggest thing should have been different is to not expect it to be perfect. We never worked on it, we didn't make us a priority. We just drifted until we weren't connected. We both had insecurities and fears and but we never talked about them.
Later much much later we talked about a big incident that hurt me really badly and he said I think in a way you were already waiting on that to happen because of things that happened with S's dad. And he was right. No he wasn't emotionally available but if I hadn't gone into that sitch with that fear/expectation then what might have happened.
I said that I always feared he would be unhappy with us and just hang out in the garage and that's what ended up happening. How much even subconciously are our fears of the OM/OW/GF/BF becoming a major part of their lives contributing to that? Or us not reconciling contributing to that not happening?
PS in odd ball family behavior of the day, I logged onto FB and his sister added me to her family list on FB as SIL. but she did this yesterday. Is that weird? I'm friendly with her. Sadly more towards the end than the beginning because I think the age gap is smaller maturity wise once you're in your 30s than when you're in your 20s.
interesting move by SIL. do you think she was making a statement to H or OW?
^^^ I don't know. I really don't! A part of me thought should I approve it. Because I had to click approve this family member request. I am very very very much looking forward to my pamper day tomorrow I haven't had that in ages.
Sounds like you're doing great Brit, keep your chin up and enjoy your pampering!!! :-)
Just checking in before I head out for more BRA (Brit Related Activities!) I like the sound of that better than GAL.
Also today I seriously got checked out on the train by a very attractive man. Like I think, if people still did this sort of thing, a stranger would have asked me for my number. It was weird. I did return the smile once.
I've had a great day and only thought of H a few times...but I imagine that's part of life.I've been thinking a lot more about "my fears becoming realities" because of maybe unconciously influencing things that way....Now, I'm trying to only think of positive things, positive outcomes etc.
It sounds very superficial but going to the salon today made me feel one step closer to the woman he'd be a fool to leave.
Woo Brit Party!! Have a great time
BRA... love that!!!
Have a great weekend!!
HA! It's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of...like the pied piper I'm leading you people into the center of crazytown!!!
No, you said you were the MAYOR of Crazytown before!
Did I hear pampering...ooh my favorite!! Have fun, enjoy and relish in your fabulousness.
No, you said you were the MAYOR of Crazytown before!
crazytown is a busy place!
Yes pampering Yankee and people should never underestimate the power of a little nail polish and a professional blow dry! Felt so good and I love all the girls in the salon. The silly conversations, the gossip, so much fun
So last night I felt fantastic. It was the first time I've drank in a really long time and I was feeling it this morning. I needed to take S somewhere but was very tired, so asked H if he could take him instead. I assumed S would take the train and meet H, but H said he was coming this way so he'd pick him up.
When H came over it was perfect DB'ing because a hangover meant that I didn't have the energy to really care about him. He played with the dog. He said you're looking really thin. I just nodded my head and said yeah I had to buy another pair of jeans in smaller size. (I realized as I said that I wasn't responding to his compliment. I was just stating fact as if my weight loss is all a bit boring to me by now! LOL) He asked me about my night. I told him a funny story and he was teasing me about something (something he used to like about me.) He asked me how I was feeling and I said I'm hungover. and he goes oh I thought you looked sad and I started laughing and I said no, I'm just tired. He made small talk about the house or whatever.
Then he asked me if he could get me a drink and I was like I have one. I must have had a confused look on my face and he said I'm sorry it's just you look all sad and hungover and I just want to take care of you and I guess there's nothing do.
WTF???
I said nothing. I think I smiled a little bit and said thanks
On his way out he says well we're off you look fantastic see you later.
I laugh and say I'm hungover and I look fantastic?
and he says well for having a hangover you look pretty goddamn good.
WTF??? I say nothing again.
I am seriously considering giving my girl at the salon a bigger tip. I kept thinking you are a fool to leave this. But I wasn't thinking about it with malice or anger. It was just amusing.
He also said he'd take S out to lunch so I'm happy they are spending more time together.
Way to go Brit!
And seriously way to go to get such a compliment with a hangover.
I usually look like death warmed over when I have one.... Lol
S got home said he had good time. so I happy that they spent some time together.
S also shows me some stuff from the speciality food market. And I was like oh cool you guys went there?
I texted H (after Vera said it would be to encourage them spending time together) and said S will never say it but I know he had enjoyed spending time with you.
H said I did too, I will make more of an effort to do that more often. You did have a gift from him for in the morning right?
And I said oh I didn't know it was a gift he just said he'd bought it and then H said that cost me a lot of money sneaky kid. I said I'm confused you bought it for me as a gift? well thank you we will enjoy it for breakfast.
So the man compliments me loads and tries to "take care of me" and buys me breakfast. (but of course goes home to his GF)
I just keep thinking that if I was the GF this behaviour would be unacceptable or just red flags. He may be confused on some level about his feelings for me, but I think that by rushing into this relationship he keeps himself from addressing them. And if things keep ticking over in that relationship he's never going to.
I kind of see it like he's in this brand new model home and it's shiny and clean and everything works and it's easy. And then there's this other house that he used to live in that's like a massive old mansion and it's gorgeous and unique but requires a lot of work and upkeep. He has to decide if he wants to take the easy road. He has a pattern of doing that.
Busting...well my hair was still all glossy and bouncy from the night before...but yeah I thought it was pretty funny! with a hangover, really? sheesh well I guess he better watch out when he sees me looking 100%
Went from feeling like I had some degree of an upper hand and then he tells me that he's going somewhere that we'd talking about going to while we were together. Then I was still going to go but couldn't afford to. I am trying to remind myself of his face in that picture. Or ask why I even care that much?
I think hangover isn't helping my moods do I should maybe just shelve it and watch a comedy tonight!
My entire day and now night has been filled with way too much of H.
S started telling me about H and GF's new place and I wanted to seem like I was cool so I chatted away and listened. It still upset me.
I find myself at times having fantasies of emailing GF and telling her we ML after they met, the things he's said about her, but what will that accomplish. I sit here hating that he's moved on and yet not really wanting to be with him. He is so distant and foreign to me (I know nothing about his life anymore) and yet when I see him everything about him is so familiar and personal. Sometimes even seeing or hearing my last name is painful. I feel like I'm living a lie and hate that at some point I'll change my name.
I hate that today he invaded so much of my life. I am working so hard to be free of this and then this happens.
I will say this I'm not crying. A month ago when he told me they were moving I together I was a wreck. Today I'm not a mess....I'm upset that he still annoys me.
I guess it's time that brings total detachment. I know that I've travelled a good hard road to get here but part of me is jealous because I don't want to be alone and I can't afford to do all the things he's now doing.
shite brit - reading your post is exactly like reading my mind.
((((( )))))
i know that nothing helps, except a little time and some sleep -and then you get back to feeling yourself again and in a better place in your mind. at least that's what i've come to - just finally letting myself feel it completely - and then moving a teeny tiny step forward
on my trip away this weekend the loneliness and aloneness really hit me - i was astounded - and realized how much i had been repressing it. it's okay for us to feel these things - and in allowing ourselves to acknowledge the feelings, they actually seem to diminish just a little and are a bit easier to handle.
don't email gf - it won't do any good - just makes things more messy. i stupidly asked h around the second month (mostly because he was going on and on about how honest he was now being) whether ow knew that we had slept together - and how was that relationship doing based on honesty. well - all that did was that he "confessed" it to her - and then told me about it - made me plumb sick to my stomach - as she replied very sadly (his words) - "i really want you and i to be honest with each other!!
dealing directly with the ow never did anyone any good - from what i hear - and if you are going to fantasize about doing something why don't you fantasize her falling down a ling hole or blowing up or something more severe!!! (grin - heck, go for it!!)
you just focus on yourself and moving forward and all the new possibilities in your life with all the new stuff you're doing - and i think we will all find eventually that they "invade" are minds less and less as time goes on.
allow, sweet stuff...
zig
Thank you so much Zig. I like the whole feeling it completely and then moving a teeny tiny step forward. I feel like every month I say goodbye once again.
S told me that H had to finish moving his stuff by Monday. I guess him moving in just seemed more final. And every day every month there's another finality. Sometimes I feel like the worst thing I did was tell him I was having second thoughts because I just feel silly these days that he knows, thinks I can't handle hearing about his new life, and I am rejected. I'm trying to come terms with all of it and just shut the door.
I know that we talk a lot about knowing when you're ready to be done. I feel like I've held the door open and rolled out the red carpet and he's formed a serious relationship with someone else on such a careless manner that it made me feel disrespected and as if our M wasn't important. I understand this is probably how he felt just after we split. I suppose the difference is I'm now not using that as resentment. Whereas he said you slept with someone while we're separated that's it for me. I just think I'm here, but I'm not plan B.
Last night I thought about what it would like..he would have to first move out of her place, get his own, be responsible, independent, transparent, we'd have to date, rediscover each other, safeguard to ensure we kept our identities. And I think would all that really happen. And if it did we'd need to work on communication, the sexual issues, without the rosy glow of projecting onto a new love is he the man I want?
I really hate this. It's hard to believe the best about a person when everyday the actions say otherwise. Everyday he chooses his new life with her and not to have a friendship with me.
I was never going to send her an email. I don't know why I think that sometimes. I guess because I get tired sometimes of being the bigger person.
So yes I did up crying today I don't even know why. It's been almost 8 months since I told him it was over and here I am still trying to figure myself out.
What have I learned: I'm not a bad person because it didn't work, I did things wrong but I'm becoming a better person, I can live and have a sense of calm and security in myself, I can begin to enjoy my surroundings in the moment, when I feel nervous or anxious it isn't a cue to push forward but to sit and be still, any decision that causes anxiety can be made better by waiting a day or two, that I can look at my H and pragmatically see character flaws that hindered the relationship, I've learned that I need to find myself, be myself, and in any relationship not lose myself.
I feel a million times better just having made that list....Sometimes it's easy to be jealous of the life they seem to be projecting but I am trying to do something different which is not push myself into something that I'm not comfortable doing on the inside. Does that make any sense?
absolutely. i think a lot of us got here because we were willing to "give and not get".
i wanted my H to have everything he wanted so i bought into it all, putting my needs aside. that really doesn't work because it encourages them to continue being selfish and breeds bitterness in us.
i love reading your posts, brit.
"...when I feel nervous or anxious it isn't a cue to push forward but to sit and be still, any decision that causes anxiety can be made better by waiting a day or two, that I can look at my H and pragmatically see character flaws that hindered the relationship, I've learned that I need to find myself, be myself, and in any relationship not lose myself."
this is great. it's what i need to remember, too. at first, i would have taken him back without any changes to our relationship. now, there's a pretty significant list of things that would have to happen and frankly, i doubt he's capable.
at first, i would have taken him back without any changes to our relationship. now, there's a pretty significant list of things that would have to happen and frankly, i doubt he's capable.
That's where I'm at. Part of me doesn't think it's possible or doesn't think he wants to. And that's why I had to make that list to remember that I'm doing this to get him back I'm doing this to get me back. Actually I never was that ME! LOL
I think the sooner I stop having hope the better. Like you said about encouraging their selfishness I think by letting him know the door was open I just let him live in this Plan B idea of feeling sorry for me but knowing that I was there. I need to detach as much as possible. Even if it means we're "not friends" but honestly what sort of friendship do we have now?
Thank you SS for saying you like my posts LOL sometimes you feel like you post into the ether.
do't feel ever that you're posting into the ether. sometimes i read your posts and feel a bit overwhelmed by how you articulate so clearly what i am feeling. like this morning. i can't even rite those things down clearly, but then i'll read what you describe and i'll think, wow, that's exactly what i am feeling
it's amazing how you and ss are already at this point in about 6 months. i'm almost at the 11 months point and just getting to the same place. slow learner!
I think by letting him know the door was open I just let him live in this Plan B idea of feeling sorry for me but knowing that I was there
yeah - this just really screwed us up and prolonged the detachment and doing things for our selves in a true way.
still can't reconcile that with the whole mlc advice. are we interpreting it wrong? what it means to "keep the door open"? it's still a very grey area for me
you sound better this morning - glad you had a good cry - it releases a lot of stuff, and then it can pass.
zig
I'm thinking, as I'm at this crossroads to having telephone coaching. Who can you recommend?
it's amazing how you and ss are already at this point in about 6 months. i'm almost at the 11 months point and just getting to the same place. slow learner!
zig
oh, zig. i hope ss isn't for me? i'm such a mess! i'm no good at this. the only thing i can do is see other people's sitch so clearly.
i mess mine up daily. i have yet to detach, i'm still pursuing, and i'm afraid to make H angry. i'm GAL like crazy but it's not fixing me!
brit, good luck with the coach. if you find out anything that helps people with obsessive, co-dependent behavior patterns (like me), please let us all know.
Hi Brit - I've talked to Cheryl twice. I like her. Check out the list of coaches on the site and see if anyone jumps out at you. They are all personally selected by Michele (they say).
Hi Brit, i have spoken to Cheryl twice as well and i like her very much. her perspectives have really forced me to think in a way i would have never thought of before
you're doing great scared silly - even though you don't realize it - you're much further along than you trust yourself to be.
i know - because i can look back and see where i was at the 6 mo point and it was nowhere near where you are now. i just started melody beauties workbook that goes with codependent no more and its helping me see how i have the same behaviors you describe.
brit - that's great if you get the coaching - i want so much to do it, but feel apprehensive about spending the money.
i thought about it a lot before when i first found this site and the books, then felt like i couldn't spend it (even called them) and now lately i feel the urge again to take the plunge.
as ss said - please tell us what she recommends = i have often though that it would be great if people who had coaches would post more about what the coaches said.
maybe this will propel me to do the same.
zig
The cost for me was a big deal but I'm just doing one session and I do feel like right now what I should do differently.
Out of nowhere something hit me about my conversation with ah when he came over Sat morning and I was hungover. He'd asked me about my night. And said were you just at X. (because I'd checked in on FB and tagged my friends) and I said no we started at A, then went to X for the game, then ended the night at B. and he said oh of course the game.....it hadn't even occurred to me. Which I thought nothing of until yesterday when I realised the voice he used....he must have it on FB and been wondering why I was there. Now I wasn't being passive aggressive or thinking he'd see. In fact I had such a cr@p signal that I didn't even it posted. So after the fact it did make me smile that the shoe was on the other foot and he was seeing my activity on FB and wondering what I was doing.
In other news I now weigh less than I did when I MET him! And I made enough money to pay for my coaching session by selling clothes too big for me on EBay!
Now that's some great GAL.
yes that is great great gal
i've thought to myself a couple of times - that i want to make the money myself to pay for the coaching sessions - not what i get from h or borrow from my mom. so that's a goal to work towards, i would say!!
maybe they do more of "the shoe on the other foot" than we realize...
hope you have a brilliant day:)
zig
Hi Brit, just checking in and saying hi
brit-
i went one whole day being happy. no crying, nothing. and i was in jail all day! lol.. thanks
In other news I now weigh less than I did when I MET him! And I made enough money to pay for my coaching session by selling clothes too big for me on EBay!
Now that's some great GAL.
Awesome!! Congrats!! Maybe you can give us a tutorial for selling things on ebay
I had a clothing resale business on ebay for a while. It was fun.
The thrift stores have gotten to expensive to make it worth my while.
