ok.. i guess 3rd time is the charm. i am sick of this back and forth crap i have been doing. today was very rough. i cried very hard for what is gone. i am ready to move on. what lies ahead, i dont know. i decide my future. thank you to the people who have helped me get to this place. i really value your feedback. especially the 2x4's. those help me the most. acceptance of what is, is key. i am starting down that road. while i am sure it is going to be very rough, i am not afraid.
1st thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2239038#Post22390382nd thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2243818#Post22438183rd thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2246758&page=1
I like the title of this thread!
bug-
thank jack. he made alot of sense to me. i have pursued to much. i have pleaded to much. W doesnt want anything to do with me. i understand. i accept it. i will not give up. this is where i prove what i am made of.
i need to stay the course. i have proved that DR techniques work. i proved it by not following them. guess its never to late. i will pick myself up. keep moving forward. i know where i stand. that gives me a little calm.
Yes, he does.
And yes, the road ahead is full of bumps.
But after a while you learn how to swerve and miss a few.
And don't beat yourself up if you find yourself crying again! I think I've had a few "okay I'm totally done crying over this" and then it happens again
i am done beating myself up. feeling inadequate. all that. im sure i will have my days. but i will recognize it and pick myself up.
i do want to apologize to my W. not to try to get her back. just to maake amends. i realize how much i let her down over the years. she gave me signs. i chose to ignore them in hopes they would go away. i thought they did. no wonder she is a WAW. its amazing she stuck around this long. i am saying what she is doing is ok, i just get where she is coming from.
she wont talk to me. doesnt want anything to do with me. so i cant apologize in person. i could write her a letter, but thats just words. im trying to figure out how to show her. the small bits of time i see her to pick up the kids are going to have to be good enough. i have forgiven her. i am working on forgiving myself. i dont know if i ever totally will. i have accepted why she left me. im not mad at her anymore. in fact i dont know that i ever was. i think i was really mad at myself.
i let my family down. i ignored them. i was not emotionally there for them. i couldnt be. my addiction prevented that. only thing i can do is work my program and be the best father and husband i can be. this is my defining moment and i am going to define it. i had a long talk with god last night. i told him how much i needed his help and how willing i was to do what he asked of me. i prayed for my kids and W. i prayed for them to be happy. i prayed for my W to find peace. i asked for his help in becoming the best man i could be. i cant do it alone.
i still have hope for me and my W. no one will ever take that away from me. i will not give up. i am going to stop doing things my way. they dont work. i have been a great example of what not to do. i am still very sad, but it will pass. it has to.
Hi Dakota,
This is a difficult part of the process, when we see our role in the M. It is necessary though in order for us to change and grow. We all go through it, we all see things we wish we had done differently. M is one of the most difficult things we do in our lives. We all make mistakes, lose ourselves, act selfishly, distance ourselves, etc... because the intimacy of M uncovers all of our stuff, the wounds and insecurities we can hide from almost everyone else.
The choice is what you do now..today...to grow and become the man you want to be. You seem to be opening up... uncovering... and that is he first step to change.
((( )))
grace-
i agree. marriage is the hardest thing ever. i cant hide my flaws from my W. by trying to do that i made things worse. no more hiding. that is lying. i am going to stand for my marriage with COURAGE. i will not back down. it is what is important to me. i know where i stand. finally.
this is a process. a very tough one. one i wish i wasnt in. i am here though. i am kind of glad too. if that makes any kind of sense. its going to be tough. i am strong. i have doubted that for a long time. tried the "easy" road. that only leadss to heartache. and heartbreak.
i see my path. be who i am. stand for my marriage. stop running. maybe i will be with my W again. maybe not. that would be a benefit, but the main thing is to be me. i am going to set up my dominoes. if i do things right, they will never fall.
thank you for the hug. even cyber ones feel good. =)
so today has been a little wierd. went to a meeting and my topic to discuss was being thankful. it was good for me. my life svcks right now. so it was kind of hard to start. once i got going it was good.
i am thankful
-i am in touch with god
-he is helping me, when i cant help myself
-my son, he is so strong through all of this. i am proud
-my daughter, the thought of her smile makes me smile
-i still have my job
-i am sober
-i am working my program
-my W is providing an excellent home for my kids
-i am not divorced yet
-i am getting in touch with myself
-i dont cry all day every day
-i am getting in shape, looking good
-my dog still loves me..lol
those are what i came up with. puts things into a little perspective for me. things are not good, but i guess they could be alot worse. i teared up a few times today. didnt cry though. that seems like progress. watched some stupid movies. laughed a bit.
tomorrow i pick up my kids for a couple of days. i cant wait. i really miss them. S's phone was off so i had to call W's to talk to him. she talked to me for about 2 mins. i was polite and upbeat. i actually ended the call first. that is something right there. it was polite and she didnt hang up on me. not saying its progress, but i am kind of happy about it.
i really think i have made my decision. i feel alot more at peace. i know i am willing to do whatever it takes to R. i am working on myself and worrying about that now. thats all i can control. i have let go of my W. that feels good. i know i will have the patience to see this through, no matter the outcome. i believe i truly forgive my W. i put myself in her shoes and i didnt like the fit. i see myself through her eyes and know what i need to do.
i understand how she can do things and feel things the way she does. i do not blame her. i dont agree, and thats okay. because i dont agree, doesnt make her feelings any less valid. they are hers to control as mine are mine.
i know that i will have my bad days. i cant let them get me so down and go into a tailspin. i will pick myself up, wipe the blood of my face and continue the fight. it took alot of tough questions and honest introspection to finally figure out where i stand. people dont agree and thats fine. this is my life to live, and thats what i am going to do.
consistency is key. thank you jack.
You sound like you're in a really really good place. I'm so happy for you. Remember there will be moments that you'll get angry again have moments of being resentful when you do come back and read this.
I'm really glad you found a bit of peace today. Like you I do more tearing up than crying and when I cried yesterday I didn't sob so that's good.
i understand how she can do things and feel things the way she does. i do not blame her. i dont agree, and thats okay. because i dont agree, doesnt make her feelings any less valid. they are hers to control as mine are mine.
really fantastic insight! I love it!
You sound like you're in a good place.
Each bump in the road does make you stronger.
its a bumpy road today...
my D lost my sons cellphone yesterday. they found it outside in the rain. she txt me they found it, and was mad that it was wet. we never put insurance on it and she was blaming me. didnt have rice and the kids were sleeping. i told her it is not my fault that it was in the rain, its not fair to be mad at me. do you want me to bring you rice or not? she said yes and i did. she was talking kind of nice to me, but her phone kept going off. it was 11pm. i dont know who it was, didnt ask, but i have my suspicions. she asked me to come in and look at the phone. i told her i had to get going, have a good night and i left. with a little bit of dignity.
didnt sleep good, having crazy dreams about her and OM. im so sick of that. i need to work out harder. then i am to tired to dream. i have to go over there and mow her lawn and pick up the kids. i need to watch my mouth. be happy i even get to see her. jack and truegritter said it. i need to act my way back into her heart. thats what i am going to do. as much as it hurts to see what is going on, i still have a chance. when i met her she had a boyfriend. i never once said anything bad about him. i was just me. and thats who she chose. i can do it again.
go back to the beginning. have a beginners mind. this is not easy, but we are worth it.
Why did you take her rice at 11pm?
Just asking...
cuz im a sucker..lol. i didnt want my sons phone to be ruined. rice [censored] water out. thats how i am supposed to talk to him when she has him. i did want to see her, but i kept cool. if i can continue doing that i might have a chance. she asked me, i didnt initate. i left first. kinda wanted to test myself i guess.
Got it! I thought she was going to cook rice.
I've heard a hair dryer might work.
yeah..rice is supposed to be able to get moisture out of the touchscreen. i idont know. thought it was worth the try. and it goes with being dad. gotta try to fix kids stuff all the time. i know OM wouldnt have brought her rice at 11. he's at home with his family. scumbag..
Also, put the phone in a frost-free freezer for a couple of days. That will pull the moisture out.
unbidden-
nice call. never thought of that. thank you
I just wanted to say you did a good job. It's difficult when there are kids involved. But it sounds as though you handled yourself well and were able to stay emotionally stable afterwards. Good job.
i told her it is not my fault that it was in the rain, its not fair to be mad at me. do you want me to bring you rice or not? she said yes and i did. she was talking kind of nice to me, but her phone kept going off. it was 11pm. i dont know who it was, didnt ask, but i have my suspicions.
How did all this make you feel?
She is blaming you, the phone calls?
I have my suspicions too.
All of this has nothing to with you unless you decide to be a different guy about it all.
You can't control what she does
You CAN control your reaction to it.
ok..interesting past couple of days..will post more later.
well you've piqued my interest!
sorry. wasnt trying to tease. was in a hurry.
anyway on sunday i went to get my kids. mowed her lawn and stepped into her house to ask for a glass of water. she flipped out. i went back outside. told her to get the kids stuff cuz i was leaving. she started yelling at me. i backslid, let myself argue back. she called the cops. again. im so sick of that. after talking to them i left. she started txting me that she has had enough. she is done. i didnt respond. called my parents to come get my dog for while i am in jail. they came. had a good talk with my dad. he encouraged me. that was nice. she txt me a few more times on sunday and monday. i didnt respond. last night she called to talk to the kids. then she wanted to talk to me. i told her to have a good night and hung up. then she txted me that she needed to talk to me. i called her back about 1.5 hrs later. she started crying telling me how she never wanted this, that i pushed her away. i a validated. didnt argue. she started apologizing for OM. saying it isnt what i think it is. i told her i dont want to talk about it. it is her life, live it how she wants. told her i know i am probably never getting her back and i am ok with that. i understand. the changes i am making are for me. i am going to be happy no matter what she decides. more crying. she says she doesnt know who i am, now that i quit drinking. i told her i dont really either. i figuring it out and i like where it is going so far. i told her how i know i didnt respect her enough because i didnt even respect myself. i dont believe in divorce, but if thats where this is going, ok. i am not giving up though. i deserve better, my kids do and so does she. told her to have a goodnight and hung up.
i am staying dim. it seems to be working a little bit. plus it is easier for me. my kids are happy with me and that is good. i am happy with them. i miss my W, but i am not getting sucked in so easy anymore. i believe i am detached. it feels good. she is not calling the cops on me anymore. i am not putting myself in that situation ever again.
i dont think i did very good, but it could have been worse.
she says she doesnt know who i am, now that i quit drinking. i told her i dont really either. i figuring it out and i like where it is going so far.
yeah give her space...I think she might be at a big of a turning point. She is confused because like all WAW's we convince ourselves this is how they are so we can move on .... any change upsets that train of thought.
I understand if you don't want to discuss it but why on earth would she call the cops on you while you were mowing her lawn?
What she's saying is so true when the spouse stops drinking it changes the whole dynamic of the R. Adapting to that change doesn't happen overnight.
She's afraid for the unknown.
Val wrote a great post about this, I'll see if I can find it.
I don't know if you know this about me.. but I'm a w of an addict.
My wife is an alcoholic and an over-eater. She's been in OA for almost 2 yrs. Last time we had a conversation, she was talking about joining AA as well.
I can tell you that there is alot of ANGER being the spouse of an addict. I get angry at all the years she was sick and hurt me. I get angry at the fact that she is trying to get healthy but has no desire to show me the new her.
I find myself getting angry that a friend can do a completely innocent act and it triggers something in me that brings me back to that pain.
My friends suffer from my bullsh!t. Thank God for their never ending grace and love for me.
I can also tell you that is alot of FEAR being the spouse of an addict. Every time my w does something pleasant - I fear the other shoe to drop.
I fear my hope getting up that she has truly changed.
Every time she does something that even reminds me of the old dynamic - I get scared that I'm not strong enough so sometimes I over-react to get my point across.
being in a relationship with an addict causes severe damage to both the addict and the enabler.
I tell you this not to blame you or make you feel bad. I believe that you are working on changing you. You are confronting your demons head on with God's strength... and that is amazing....
... your wife will need to do the same. She will need to confront her own demons because just as you chose to stay in your addiction... she chose to stay in that kind of relationship.
And I can tell you - some days that is hard to admit. It is much easier to blame the addict than to take ownership of your actions.
It is much easier to use the addict to keep you stuck in anger and fear....
I don't want to speculate why your w is acting the way she does. Honestly - I don't agree with what your w is doing...
... but I understand it because until she deals with herself... until she forgives you and herself.. you will get more of the same.
And that journey to forgiveness is soo hard. Some days I just want to scream - why do I have to experience all this pain because of HER addiction.
I bet your wife's has those days.
So I get it. I get why your w is doing what she does. I can understand the fear/angry behind it.
But at the end of the day....
only time and God will have to heal her heart.. and though your changed heart is awesome... it's really not about your journey...
..it's about her journey to heal.
And I'm sorry - but 1 yr may not be enough time for her.
What do you do with this... be patient and be loving. That does not mean being a doormat, that does not mean losing your son.
We care about your on this board. We all bring different viewpoints.
We can say that your w should be acting this way or you should be defending yourself this way....
... but at the end of the day - things are unfolding exactly the way God is intending. We may have difficulty trusting it... and we can surely not like it.
But if we believe that he loves us.. than we believe that he knows what's best for us.
Continue to do what God want's you to do.. and it will all work out.
Have faith. ((( )))
brit-
she called the cops because i stepped into her house. my bad. i was starting to drive away when she called, so i stayed instead of making the sitch worse. whether or not she is at a turning point..who knows. not tryin to think about that anymore. its me time.
bug-
you brighten my day. always know just what i need to hear. thank you. that post was right on the money. she is afraid i will go back to the old me. i have my days where i fear that also. like jack said, its all about consistency. i know i hurt her, maybe beyond repair. i cant change the past only work on the future. i know i will be better. i am working my program aand its working for me. time is all i have to give her. no apology will take away what i have done.
i know where i stand. i know what i want for my life. how i get there who knows. just gotta stay positive. be loving, strong, and sober. i can do this. i want to. i am ready willing and able.
i dont think i did very good, but it could have been worse
I don't think you did too bad.
The hard part? Is not talking. Learning the art of STFU.
There is this idea that every conversation hold the remote and highly unlike potential for the spouse to declare: "I love you, I am so terribly sorry, lets make this work!"
When in fact most conversations at the beggining are more like minefields; minefields you usually don't even need to cross.
Mowing her yard? Why?
Dakota the White Knight?
Dakota the Nice Guy?
: )
Buddy as a former White Knight, and recovering Nice Guy?
My princess had to fetch her own water, pay her own rent... Eventually slay her own dragon, on her own.
I was around to offer her a hand up but I couldn't do it for her. But that's my story. ; )
jack-
lmao..you crack me up. i dont mow the yard for her. really i dont give a sh!t if she likes it. i mow it so my kids have somewhere to play. she will be mowing it by herself for a month while i am in jail. if she can start it..lol. plus its in our sep agreement. i am upholding my end, no matter what. consistency, right?
and you are right, it is a minefield. i need to learn the art of STFU. badly. lol.. she called last night and i did pretty good at it. she is going to do what she wants. i get it. i can only lend a hand when it is asked for, and if i feel like it.
so tonight was interesting. i picked my S up a little early today and bought him a baseball jersey he had been wanting. it was at a 2nd hand store, but like brand new. he really likes it. on the way t get D he tells me he is really mad at mom. took me by surprise. i asked him why. he told me he doesnt like her talking to other guys. "its not right dad". i told him it is okay to be mad. remember how much mom loves you. "i know dad. it makes me sad to. i dont want a new dad. i love you". while that makes me feel good, i had to be the parent. told him it ok to be sad, and i will always be his dad. i will always be there for him.
so we came home and played some baseball. my D cracks me up. wears the glove on the wrong hand, runs around crazy. so funny. W came to watch the kids, so i could go to a meeting. showed up 5 mins before it started. i expected it, wasnt mad and just left. when i got home, she was at the table with D. S was playin Xbox. W said he is really mad at me. he wont talk to me. i said i know. she asked why and i told her she should try to talk to him. then D wanted to go for a walk around the block. W asked if i would like to go with. so i did. she talked about my D's eval tomorrow. she is a little behind where she is supposed to be. we came home and D asked her to read a story. while she was doing that, my sponsor called. wanted to stop by. i said come on over. I told W i had company coming over and she could stay if she wanted. i didnt care. she asked who. asked if he stayed married. i said yeah.
she left. came back about 2 mins later to tell me a store has a sale on beds. i dont have one. i said thanks for telling me. i just payed for hockey camp, so i dont have the money. told her to have a good night.
she is acting wierd. i dont trust her. she called the cops on me sunday, now being kinda nice. got my gaurd up.
You're doing great. As the saying goes, STFU.
So let me get this straight. You mow HER lawn and then she yells at you? Doesn't sound right. "she started crying telling me how she never wanted this, that i pushed her away. i a validated."
This you have to stop doing. You already did that time and time again. She's beginning to use that as an excuse for her bad behavior. That was actually a golden opportunity.
When she started going into how you pushed her away, etc. You should have stopped her and brought up the police issue and that you've already made and continuing to make amends and will not be treated like that any longer by her.
i did say some things similar to that. after she was done going off. told her how i am changing for me. not her. i dont appreciate being treated like this and i am not putting up with it. she kept crying around about stuff. i let her get her feelings out. in all honesty i did push her away with my pursuit. that aside, im not putting up with her crap and i am learning to STFU when i want to say certain things. i am not going to be a jerk. i am going to be polite, yet firm.
she is getting her space and time. what she does with it is her choice. not my focus anymore. it is me time. my kids are benefiting greatly from it.
she asked why and i told her she should try to talk to him.
Not your job to repair the relationship between her and son
Your job not to damage it.
Why did you say this to her?
Were you using your son's words to teach a lesson?
Do you want her back because she feels guilty about son?
Do you think that will change her behavior?
How do you think she felt when you told her?
tg-
i told her none of what S said. not my place. their R is theirs, not mine. i am taking care of my S the best i know how. listenig to him and telling/showing him how much i love him.
i told her if she wants to know what is going on with him, she needs to talk to him. i do not want her back out of guilt. i would never put my S in the position of guilting mom. he loves her and i dont want that to stop. there is a special relationship between a mother and her child. i would do nothing to harm that. ever.
usually you are right on. not this time. maybe i wrote it bad. irregardless, i know what i did was right.
W said he is really mad at me. he wont talk to me. i said i know. she asked why and i told her she should try to talk to him.
I had to read it a couple of times to really get it.
I would have done the same thing you did.
i see how i wrote it bad. i told her she, should try to talk to him. not what he said. at all. that is between them. my bad
I agree you did the right thing. Don't know if you wrote it badly or I read it badly...
Sorry man.
Good call.
no worries. i always read what you post. you are very smart. thats why i was a little miffed. my kids are the most important thing in my life. thats why it hurts so much what is happening to my family. i would in no way use them to try to get my W back. i dont/wont play like that.
if she talks to him and sees how bad he is hurting, great. do i expect her to come back? no. i expect her to be the mom i know she is, and let him know how much she loves him. thats it. she is a great mom, and i would never take that away from her.
if it makes her feel guilty..ok. guilt is a big motivator in change. do i want her back out of guilt? no. if guilt gives her the kick in the a$$ she needs to look at herself and want to work on her, that is great. sometimes guilt and love go hand in hand. if i didnt love my wife, i wouldnt feel guilty for hurting her..i may be way off. just how i see it.
"told her how i am changing for me. not her."
Stop saying this.
"i dont appreciate being treated like this and i am not putting up with it. "
Keep saying this.
I think you should stay the course. It's easy when we're going NC because we don't have to make several decisions about the right thing to do in a short time. I think you did fantastically. You didn't take the bait when talking to your son and you didn't take the bait when she brought it up later.
consistency. Just repeat that to yourself.
Also don't be surprised if she goes from being friendly to being angry quite a few times. She doesn't know it but she'll be testing you to see if you'll really keep this up. She'll also be angry on some level (even if she doesn't know it) that you're making changes for the good once she left.
I agree with Mr Bond. Be firm
thanks bond and brit. i am trying to be calm, yet firm. not exactly my strong suit. its a 180 im working on. i dont try to bring up my changes. she did.
i am not going to allow my son to be dragged into this. he deserves better than that. he impresses me so much with how strong he is being. this is hurting him. all i can do is be there for him and love him to the best of my ability. i know this is hurting W, seeing him like this. hopefully she will talk to him. actually listen and not get mad at him. he told me he doesnt want to talk to her cuz she will get mad.
i fully expect more anger from her. for a long time. she refuses to let it go. its how she copes maybe. i dont know. i am not her. thats why i am not trusting her right now. feels like a setup.
consistency is key. i am putting alot of work towards that.
Wow Dakota! You are doing so well handling such a challenging situation.
Every time I worked on some fault, my W would find something else "wrong" with me to be angry about. I am not saying that your W will do the same, I just want you to be ready, just in case. For my W, I think it helped to justify things in her mind so she would not feel guilty. I made a lot of mistakes running around trying to fix things, which did not end up looking very confident, only more needy.
I love to read how you are caring for your son during this difficult time.
Consistency, what a grab word for all of us to remember and aspire to... I will post it on my mirror.
((( )))
grace-
dont worry. its a new excuse every day from my W. i do this, i do that, blah blah blah. it is to ease the guilt, hurt, and frustration. thanks to mr. bond i have started standing up for myself. when stuff is totally not true, i tell her. as far as the other complaints..i put myself in her shoes. i honestly know how i failed her. i am working on that. the rest of what she tries to blame on me is blah blah blah.
my kids are my world. they always have been. when people talked about being doctors or lawyers when they grew up. i didnt. i just wanted to have a family and be happy. i dont need money and a new house/car to be happy. i just need my family. being a dad is what makes me the happiest.
so another crazy night.. ugghh. realtor had to show the house. took the kids out to supper. after we ate, S wanted to rent field of dreams. there is only one store in town that would have that old of a movie. its a block from W's new house. SOB! so we are driving by and one of OM's car is there. they didnt even have the movie.
we went home. W was on her way to watch the kids so i could go to my meeting. when she got there i told her thanks for watching the kids. didnt mean to cut her visit with her "friend" short. i meant it to. she tried to explain it away, and i stopped her. i said i dont need to know. none of my business. i left to my meeting.
when i got back she wanted to talk about my D's eval today. it didnt go as well as i hoped. D is almost 18 mos behind where she is supposed to be.
then i told her where i stand. i want to stay married but i refuse to put up with this crap anymore. if she wants to date other men or be "friends" that is her choice. i am not being a part of that anymore. she tried to justify it some more and i said enough. that is where i stand.
she said goodnight to the kids. then she was leaving and turned around and asked if this means we are done. i said i dont know. i am done with your crap. if you wont tell me what you want out of me, then yes. i cant play these games anymore. im too tired. she said i dont want a divorce. i just need my time. i said have a good night and i walked away.
i know i went against all DB rules, but i am okay with it. i stood my ground and acted like a man. i dont need her, to be happy. i am happy with me and my kids right now. i am not giving up. i am standing for my M and what i believe in. if she doesnt like that, oh well. i am not goin to take this crap. i had to say something in order for me to be okay with myself. saying nothing was not true to me. i feel better, and i feel like i can move farther down my path now. it might not be with her. that makes me sad. alot less tan normal though.
You've been all over the place on this for a few days.
What happened to STFU?
As this is where you landed, I hope it's where you want to be.
I know you're hurting and angry.
actually im not hurting or angry. i didnt yell. i wasnt mad. i was actually very calm. STFU can happen another day. i had to say something and stand up for myself. i am glad i did. i might have done it wrong, but i did, and i am proud of myself. she now knows i am not her little b!tch anymore.
it might not be a good spot where i landed, then again it could be. i am so sick of sitting around, being walked all over, and still being nice. having to talk to the cops AGAIN has kind of changed how i think a bit. if kept doing nice stuff and am treated like that there is no point. i do want to stay married, but not this way.
she might have something to think about now. she did say how much she sees me being a great dad. actually said it. that is a change from the last 5 months. i am going to stay dim. i was not threatening her or doing it because i expected anything. i did it for me. i believe i will sleep good tonight.
jack, im sure you have a few 2x4's for me. i hope i didnt let you down bug.
Actually I think you did great. You told her your boundary before and you stuck by it.
The only place where you messed up was:
"if you wont tell me what you want out of me, then yes."
Don't EVER tell her that you are waiting for her to say what she wants from you. It makes you responsible for her happiness again and that's NOT your job.
You just keep things short and sweet. "You disrespected me by having other men over and lying and justifying it. That will not happen again."
I'm not the one you have to worry about being let down. This is about you.
It's your path to walk and we each get to choose how.
My only piece of advice at this point is really think about who you are and don't do anything until you have that figured out.
You say you weren't angry but I can feel the anger radiating off that message above. Who thought you were a doormat?
And you can't bullsh!t a bullsh!tter, I was never angry when I unloaded my little bombs either.
Good luck.
bug- you are right about bullsh1tting..lol. i was hurt to see that, yes. angry? i dont believe i was. it kinda stinks because i feel like my heart hardened a bit. that is not what i wanted. i am the one who feels i have been a doormat. i have really been working on keeping my anger in check and focusing on why i am truly angry. i really do believe i have detached, with love. it hurts to see the choices she is making. it is her life to live, and if this is what makes her happy that is great. i dont cotrol her, nor do i want to. i care about her and believe she is worth far more than she is giving herself credit for. thats what hurts. i know i am not an option for her anymore. i am okay with that. my focus isnt on her anymore. i have my bad moments. im having alot less of them now.
the prayer for my marriage from LITB's thread is really helping and it is how i feel. i want her to be the best person she can be, and i pray for that. all i have is time. she isnt filing right now, so that is good. i can continue to DB. i had to get that off my chest in order for me to move on. i needed to stand up for myself and really show her i am serious. i am proud of myself. i did it withut accussing, yelling or saying deliberately hurtful things.
i do want my M to work. that has not changed. i dont like it like this, and i will not be a part of that anymore. i think i did pretty good enforcing my boundry. i never stuck to my feelings in fear of making her mad. i am at the point where she is going to be mad regardless, so why not stand up for myself and my M. she might not respect me for it, but i respect myself.
We are close to the samething. I just keeping telling myself that my boys are whats most important. The hardiest thing is not seeing my kids every night. My W is all over the place at time, Don't know how to read her. Now I focus just on me and the boys. I'm going to keep close eye on you and maybe we can help each other get threw this.
You detach and I think she will see that. I think my W is starting too.
Anyone's help is wanted!!!!
lol..i doubt i will be a whole lot of help. i am not very good at this DB stuff. im good at backsliding. i read your thread often. detachment is helping me. i dont know about her, that her deal. i feel a little better each day. there is something at the end of this tunnel. what, remains to be seen. i have to stay consistent. im getting better at it.
No 2x4's brother.
You either feel good about your actions or you feel bad.
Good means nothing is wrong. Bad means you think you did wrong.
Here is the deal with your wife.
If this is normal person stuff? Then MLC long term tactics don't make sense, and that plays to a long game.
If she is MLC, then it's not about speed it's about distance.
I'm better at MLC stuff.
Did you do right or did you do wrong? Right or wrong don't really apply. How do you feel right now? Does it bring you closer or futher away from your goal?
IF you really want a 2x4? Tell me ; ) There ARE things that you knew better, but we all lie to ourselves at times.
A parting thought?
Many (I believe, please notice the caveat there...my idea is many, hell maybe it's only a few, but can you afford the cahnce even it it only applies to one spouse in a million?) WAW...WAH/WAS...walk-away whatevers...
feel like they cannot come back, that what they did is unforgivable.
If you seem unforgiving? Why would they even try?
Dakota, you're pretty new to this...so don't beat yourself up too badly, ok? Just do better. Get up, dust off.
one last thing...
if you only had a 1 in a 1,000,000,000 chance of making this work... one in a billion....is you wife worth that?
Roles reversed would she do it for you?
If you base this off numbers? Walk now.
Unless you can be that 1.
i feel a little better each day. there is something at the end of this tunnel. what, remains to be seen. i have to stay consistent. im getting better at it.[/quote]
Well said, I agree. Every friend help.
I didn't post at first because I wasn't sure what to say. Whatever you said or did I'm sure that later you may have second guessed yourself. Hindsight plays tricks on us and those of us with issues will always worry we could have done better or should have done better.
Jack is right pick yourself up and brush yourself off. I could mind read and say that she is getting both sides of the fence some happy family interaction with you and the excitement of something new. But I could be projecting because that's how it was for me. So we could tell you to do this or that in order to manipulate the sitch but that doesn't get you anywhere.
You need to completely 100% focus on you. We all do things in anger and hurt. And I gave myself quite a beating after the way I acted when I got a bomb. But you have to just decide that you will neither harden your heart or pursue. You can detach with love. I know you can.
jack-
as always..thanks. i jammed not falling last night after she left. put my soul at ease. i do not feel bad. i feel kinda good actually. whether its moving me closerto my goal or not, who knows. still a bit early to tell. i do feel like i took some of myself back. she did tell me she doesnt want a divorce right now. whatever that means. not thinking about it.
i might have pissed her off. that is okay. sometimes people need to feel that. i am not getting down on myself. i told you before that i am a fighter. no matter how much dust or blood i will pick myself up and continue the fight. you have a good point about forgiveness. i can see my W being that way. scared. that is something i need to stay consistent on. letting her know that i do and will forgive her. because i want to. bottom line. i love her. i always will.
i do not know if my W would still take that 1 in 1,000,000 chance on me. she has before, so i would like to think she would again. i know she is worth it. i would give her that chance over and over again. i would not be trying if i didnt think that 1 shot was worth it.
thanks jack
brit-
once again you are right on. she is getting the best of both worlds. that is okay for now. my kids need her and she needs them. eventually the shine will wear off. then maybe she can see what really matters.
i do not regret what i said or did. that might be a first. i am peaceful knowing what i did was for me and my kids. she wanted to have lunch today so i did. she talked about going to minnesota this weekend to her parents. asked if she could take the kids. i said i would ask them. why do you need to ask them? i told her because it is my week and they can decide. i doubt S will want to go. she asked why i say that. i told her to ask him. she said please tell me so i did. S does not like his grandfather. he is scared of him and thinks he is mean. he doesnt like it when he cusses at him and spanks his sister. i dont blame him. i feel bad because i wouldnt say anyything to him before, just removed them from the sitch. i was trying to keep the peace. no more. she said she doesnt like it either and has talked to her mom about it. i told her maybe she should talk to her dad instead. i told her i have no control over what you do when you have them, but when they are with me they get to choose if thats something they want to do. i am not trying to keep him out of their lives, they get to choose if they want him in theirs. she didnt know what to say, so i said thanks for lunch(she bought, holy cow!) and said i would talk to her later. when she calls.
i dont do any of this out of anger. i do it out of love. you have really helped me with my detachment. i think i am doing it with love. i get alot of inspiration from you. i pray for my heart to stay open. i try very hard not to pursue. i am getting way better. i put my phone down alot when i start to txt her. alot of the time i dont even know why i am. okay i do, but i think it through now and 9 out of 10 times i put it away.
thanks for stopping by. i always look forward to your point of view. whether i like it or not. i always learn something
i know she is worth it. i would give her that chance over and over again.
Just so you don't think I'm Polly anna with rainbows flying out of my ass.
My wife had this one big f- up.
One, cause twice is a repeating pattern.
I'm pretty sure it won't happen, like bet the farm sure...but if it does?
I did this once for her and myself.
I walked through hell and back without her, turns out she followed me...
and that happens once. : )
It happens again?
I'm going to Vegas : D
But understand I did put some time into this...not talking weeks or months here...now? Now it is years, and we will always be piecing as long as we are together.
vegas is a crazy town..lol
i get it. maybe what i meant is i am willing to put in the work until she decides it is over.
yeah...I jumped out a of plane there. It was awesome. No place does that in Alaska so me and my friend HAD to go to Vegas to do it.
Face your fears now brother...cause nothing...nothing feels as bad as you do right now and your phobias? Are nothing but silly ridiculous things compared to what you're going through.
Falling and spiders... I'm 6'3" and a tiny spider scared me? pffftp. Not anymore. Falling? My chute doesn't open? Easy out.
you want to improve yourself in an easy way? kill your fears.
i like that.. kill my fears. i am not afraid of alot. only a few things. mainly losing my family. my IC i used to see called me an adreniline junkie. i am not a huge guy like you..lol maybe thats why. always have something to prove.
i am going to kill my fears. part of me saying that stuff to my W was just that. i am not so afraid of losing my family today. it is wierd.
hbsd, I don't think I'm questioning or disagreeing with what you said to your wife. Boundaries are good but I thought you had set a boundary with her before. Did I imagine that? What do you see as the boundary you set yesterday.
i did try to set boundries before, you are not mistaken. i dont know if what i said was a boundry or how i feel. it is what it is. i am done with the crap. getting worked up over it, all that. i am no longer her little toy. whether it was a good idea or not, i have no idea. all i know is i dont feel bad. i guess if it was a boundry it would be, i love you and i want us to work out and be a family. if you continue doing whatever it is with these men, that will not happen. i am not okay with that. i also told her if she is the type of person that needs other men in her life as "friends" we will never work. i will never be okay with that.
what is your take on it? boundry or me just not knowing how to STFU consistently?
i dont know if what i said was a boundry or how i feel. it is what it is.
I think it might have been letting her know how hurt you are by her actions. Understandable.
But now you've said it, stop saying it. At least to her. You can say it all you want here, but you've made your positions
sort of clear.
i am done with the crap. getting worked up over it, all that.
Only you control this. Are you done getting worked up over it?
Or does she have the power to get you worked up?
This takes work and a lot of looking inward. You're used to blaming others for your reactions. I get that. Have you heard this: "Serenity is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it."
i am no longer her little toy.
Again, I think this is up to you if you feel that way. Do you think she's really toying with you? Or is she confused, too.
Earlier you said you felt like a doormat, not that she or anyone else had called you a doormat. So you went and told her you weren't going to be a doormat, instead of telling the person who thought you were being a doormat.
You.
i guess if it was a boundry it would be, i love you and i want us to work out and be a family. if you continue doing whatever it is with these men, that will not happen.i am not okay with that. i also told her if she is the type of person that needs other men in her life as "friends" we will never work. i will never be okay with that.
That's part of a boundary. And remember boundaries are not to teach another person a lesson or get them to be who you want them to be.
Boundaries are to protect you.
If I spoke disrespectfully to you you would say to me "Bug, when you speak to me in that way it hurts and I feel disrespected. If you continue to speak to me in that manner, I will turn and walk away."
I now have a choice, I can continue to speak to you disrespectfully and you will walk away.
Eventually you might avoid me.
If the relationship is important to me, after a few times of you walking away, I might choose to change the way I speak to you.
But the choice is mine.
What is your "I will turn and walk away" in the statement you made above. A boundary is a wish and a prayer without a consequence and without enforcing your boundary it's pi$$ing in the wind.
Empty words.
People who have strong boundaries need very few.
what is your take on it? boundry or me just not knowing how to STFU consistently?
I thinks it's confusion, fear, hurt, anger.
Think about using the 48 hr rule. Before you want to say something spurred by those feelings, wait 48 hours, go to a meeting, talk to a friend.
Then decide if it's still what you want to say.
You can do this.
bug..i gotta think about this for a bit. thank you. i need to do this
Bug,
You and Brit been eating Relation-O's or Divorce Busting Flakes or something?
really nice stuff there.
now the really hard part...
you living the words too? : )
Jack, this thing called separation, that I would never have invited into my life, has been one of the greatest gifts I have ever received.
I live most of it, I'm wobbly on parts but I still have toddler legs at 14 mos.
bug-
so here goes.. i am going to answer your questions to the best of my ability. honestly. honesty is all i have.
as far as my positions i thought i was clear. if i could have done it differently, im all ears. i am not going to say it anymore to her. i probably will here. who knows. i believe she has heard me and a dead horse comes to mind. what she does with it is up to her.
as for getting worked up. i have been getting less and less mad. my anger is dwindling. there is still hurt there, but i am learning to cope. her power over me is going away. i am going to deal with conflict in order to achieve serenity. i really like that saying. i know i cant change her. i am coming to terms with that.
about the doormat thing. that is 100% all me. it is how i feel. this is where STFU comes into play. i have a problem saying how i think people are treating me. usually to them. it is not healthy to anyone. it needs to stop. i needed to stand up to her. i might have made a bad choice in how to do it. i dont think so. i am good with it.
boundries. such a foreign concept to me. i have never felt like i needed to protect my feelings. i didnt have any. i drank myself numb to get away from the disgust i had for myself. it is hard for people to hurt you when you do it to yourself the worst. i grew to like the pain, because i knew it so well. i isolated myself to the point i neglected my family. i have been a scared little boy in a mans body. not exactly attractive. i need to enforce my boundries. i do not have a consequence. i see that. no wonder it irritates me. im covered in pi$$. walking away could be a good start. when i act like a man that is worthy of respect, i will get it.
48 hr rule is good for me. it will help me sort out the confusion and see if i really hurt as bad as i do in the moment. i speak without thinking alot. it is out of fear and anger. i really have nothing to be afraid of. i am strong. i am kind. i am a good father. that will count for something.
i want to do this. i can do this. people tell me i should just give up and move on. i deserve better. blah blah blah. when i ask them what kind of man i would be if i gave up on my family, i never really get an answer. i have forgiveness in my heart. i have love. i want to trust my W. i have to choose to. i know she is not evil. she is a good mom and has been a great W. i didnt uphold my end, and now i am mad. mad at myself for letting it get to this place. that blame rests on me. it does not excuse her actions as of late. it also should not take away from her good qualities. those are what i love about her. if i prove to her that she is important, and i will do everything in my power to not let myself get back to where i was, i have a chance.
people tell me i should just give up and move on. i deserve better.
Move on from your self? Because this stuff is mostly about you. Moving on will only mean you're in a different place with the same crummy, tired, old baggage.
It took me a while to understand the saying "No matter where you go, there you are."
Think about how you would state this boundary that I think you were trying to do with your wife. Think it through to the end point.
W, I feel ___________ when you are seeing OM. If you continue to see him I will___________________.
I'm not saying you should or shouldn't-just be aware.
Get used to thinking about the consequences of your actions, not just what's going to make you feel better in the moment. Those actions usually keep you paying for a long time. Kinda like RentACenter.
Do you know the music of Keb Mo? If you don't, you should.
Google The Whole Enchilada by Keb.
bug-
i do get that..no matter where i go, there i am. i am trying so hard to release my baggage and i believe i am doing a good job. i am going to continue this work.
i have tried to state this boundry in a way that i would hope she understands. so far i dont believe it has mattered. her behaviors have not changed. i would not have such a problem if she would tell me the truth. if she is dating, fine. just be honest. i see no point in lying. saying she isnt talking to them when she is..what is the point of that? i would love for her to respect my wishes. or boundry. i know that seems controlling. it is not intended that way. i know i say that i will forgive my W. i really want to, and to an extent have. there is this part of me that doesnt want to be in this position. i know i hurt her and wasnt there emotionally for her. i didnt know how to be. i am learning how. the part that hurts is she is doing these thingss with other me. i will never understand it, and have pretty much stopped trying.
this is what i want to say:
W, i feel hurt, angry, and betrayed when you do these things with OM (plural at this point). if you continue to do this i will file for divorce and move on. i refuse to be treated this way and i refuse to put my family in this situation.
now thats what i want to say. say it? probably not. it would ruin any chance at R. i am lost as how to handle it. so far nothing i have done has helped.
Depends on how you define "helped" I guess.
Maybe you need smaller goals, like
1)being able to have sustained interaction with wife without someone going off or calling the cops.
2)pleasant respectful child hand-offs (hate that word in this context. Is there a better one?)
3)finding someone else to cut the grass
Suggestions only, I don't know what your goals are other than reconciliation and that's way to broad for where you are now.
I'm really happy about the way you brought up your thoughts/concerns about your FIL. If you have been passive in this area in the past I'm really happy you're speaking up
I think you need to move on...TO YOURSELF.
On my thread I talked about the crystal ball because I don't like the thinking about "am I waiting on him" and "how long should I wait" Finding someone new which is what our friends and family mean when they say moving on won't really change how you feel. It will help you not to think but won't solve. In the same way that other coping mechanisms help you not think but don't solve. That's why coming to the decision that I'm not thinking about an outcome and just focusing on me really helped me silence that in my head. I'm not ready to date. That's for sure. So "moving on" isn't an option for me.
There is a third choice in meeting someone new and trying to win her back and that choice is working on you.
The more you detach inside the better you'll feel. Trust me I feel like I've had some sort of rebirth. I don't know the future but I'm excited about it.
Dakota,
Hey man, just a few things.
W, i feel hurt, angry, and betrayed when you do these things with OM (plural at this point). if you continue to do this i will file for divorce and move on. i refuse to be treated this way and i refuse to put my family in this situation.
You understand that if you say this, you have to live up to it? The first time you lay downa boundary that you do not back up and you no longer have teeth.
I am all for boundaries, I believe they are absolutely needed in order for a real reconcilliation to occur.
However, I am only for boundaries when the LBS is capable of living up to the consequences they themselves impose upon the boundary.
Think of a child or a puppy...you tell them over and over again not do do X, or you will do Y. Well the keep doing X, and you might 'pretend' to do Y for a little while but stop doing it after a little while. To the point where they keep doing X, over and over and over again until one day...you really mean it.
Lets say Y = "I'm going to spank you."
(You know the parents in Wal MArt who...threaten the kids and the kids never actually shut up because the parents never actually spank them?)
It's kind of like that.
In the immortal words of MC Hammer:
Break it down:
i have tried to state this boundry in a way that i would hope she understands. so far i dont believe it has mattered. her behaviors have not changed. i would not have such a problem if she would tell me the truth. if she is dating, fine. just be honest. i see no point in lying. saying she isnt talking to them when she is..what is the point of that? i would love for her to respect my wishes. or boundry. i know that seems controlling. it is not intended that way. i know i say that i will forgive my W. i really want to, and to an extent have. there is this part of me that doesnt want to be in this position. i know i hurt her and wasnt there emotionally for her. i didnt know how to be. i am learning how. the part that hurts is she is doing these thingss with other me. i will never understand it, and have pretty much stopped trying.
Who ironically in the same song also said, "You can't touch this."
wait for it...
wait for it...
ehh? Maybe, sort of funny?
i have tried to state this boundry in a way that i would hope she understands. so far i dont believe it has mattered.
It hasn't. It...won't yet. Not likely.
i would not have such a problem if she would tell me the truth. if she is dating, fine. just be honest. i see no point in lying. saying she isnt talking to them when she is..what is the point of that?
They lie, it's almost perverse, not wanting you to be hurt almost as much as they don't want the hassle. (My take)
Simply put...she is going to lie if there is an affair. Knowing that a liar is going to lie and getting upset about it? I know she shouldn't be, but man...she is. That is what is what right now.
i would love for her to respect my wishes. or boundry.
I would love for a pony. Dakota, if you going to while away hoping for something...why not hope that you just wake up from a bad dream with this idea that you should be doing better?
i know that seems controlling. it is not intended that way. i know i say that i will forgive my W. i really want to, and to an extent have. there is this part of me that doesnt want to be in this position.
IF she would just follow your boundary, then everything would be better because she could focus on what's important to you right now. And that is working on your relationship...except these other guys are in the way, and as long as they are...
see below:
i know i hurt her and wasnt there emotionally for her. i didnt know how to be. i am learning how. the part that hurts is she is doing these thingss with other me. i will never understand it, and have pretty much stopped trying.
This ties to the comment above.
Now you are ready, and you're upset that she isn't snapping out of this and seeing these things in you.
When I say be consistent, it is so she can can see these changes and believe in you and trust you.
Funny that trust thing...you don't trust her...and you going to have a hard time believing that she doesn't trust you either. New changes in a person are not to be trusted, not without time under their belt.
This could very well be the price you currently pay for your failings earlier.
Try to read the following from the other side, her shoes, or hell as a WAH once...mine:
"I know you want time and space and that these other guys make you feel apprecitated and desired in a away I havent done in a long time if ever, and again I know you want that, or want time to figure it out, well I don't want that, and my wants are more important than yours, so stop it, or I won't be around."
except...I wasn't seeing a guy...not that there is anything wrong with that mind you. ; )
What some people don't know...is that I was also a WAS once too.
So I can see the pressure the LBS places upon them.
ok.. i am gonna do my best to write this down right. i know R is way out of the picture at the time. it would be great, but it isnt going to happen right now. here are my goals i wrote a few weeks ago:
my goals are:
-have my W invite me to do something with her.
-to stop obsessing over what she is doing
-to be in a good mood for a whole day
-to treat my kids like the gifts of god they are
-ignore the baiting comments my W makes
-set healthy boundries and stick to them
-continue my workouts
-reach out to more people/ make friends
-try something new (highland games)
-remember how to play guitar
-be in a good mood tomorrow with my W
-get my W to laugh or smile
i have gotten some feedback on some of them being to much about my W and what she does. i am not worrying about them. some of them i have made progress on. others not so much.
focusing on me. that is a whole new arena for me. i have been working on that for months because of aa. i have made huge strides in that department. things between me and my W sneak up and kick me in the balls. i am getting better at picking myself up and moving forward. i have bad days and good days. i know my W has noticed a difference in me. she told me on wednesday, "i dont know who you are anymore. at least when you were drinking i knew what to expect..absolutely nothing. you are different." i told her that right now i am focusing on being the best dad i can be. the best person i can be. right now i am liking where that is headed.
now on to the boundry. i have no consequence for her crossing them. not that it is my place to dole out punishment. i have not told her i am going to D her. that is the last thing i want. this is where i really struggle. any help here is great. in the words of bug, i am pi$$ing all over myself. =)
now the hoping thing. i am not hoping for it to get better. yes i would like it, and i think it all depends on me. its not fair but neither is life. i am finding stength to continue everyday. strength i never knew i had. jack you have helped me alot on that.
it probably is the price i have to pay. i did fail her and i deserve alot of this. the mistrust, anger, etc.. i do see it from her point of view. i have no idea how to make it up to her. the only thing i have learned is, if i stay consistent in my behaviors, she might trust in my changes. maybe not. i am finding it harder to care, each and everyday. if she doesnt want to see that i am becoming someone great, fine. my kids and i will still benefit from it.
alot of my anger comes from seeing her disrespect herself. she is fooling around with a married co-worker and a kid who has a GF that she is supposed to be tutoring. i do not like seeing her devalue herself, and be just another notch on the bedpost so to speak. i dont like seeing the hurt on her face. then i think, i should be angry at myself. i didnt treat her like the queen i believe she is. and i am mad at myself. more mad than she will ever be at me.
this is a tough road. i am very greatful for all who have took the time to help me. i know i seem like a moron sometimes. then again, i am learning. i am not giving up. that isnt in me.
You aren't a moron or we wouldn't keep helping LOL!!!
The only thing I would say is don't worry about having a good or obsessing over her. I've found those things sneak up on me in a god way and lately I think I haven't thought about H for a few hours or I feel great right now. Whereas this morning I was like stop thinking about the time you went there with H or whether he and GF are doing this or that stop stop stop!
Good luck we're all here and what to see you happy and whole
I don't think you're a moron.
im trying not to obsess. it is hard. she never called the kids last night. we are supposed to every night. she doesnt alot, so i am getting used to it. kids dont say anything. i keep them busy doing fun things. it gets me thinking, what is she doing who is she with..i just wanted it to stop. so i went for my run. put alot into it. felt like i was running away from my thoughts. when my mind went to her, i ran harder. beat my best time by about a minute. my legs hurt today. thats okay, i like the pain.
gonna be a good day i hope. i going to make it that way.
You've probably heard this before but her R with the kids is hers. You can't make it better, you shouldn't try to make it worse. I think you've done a great job of being fair about that.
Here's a story about my H. After we got married he no longer "courted" me. Never said let's go to dinner, how about a movie, this is what I'd like to do for vacation. He wasn't against doing those things but he was never the initiator. Not in his nature.
Now he's that way with the boys. Very seldom calls and invites them to do things with him so he doesn't see them very often. He's squandering his father capital as I see it but that's his stuff.
bug-
thanks for sharing that story with me. i understand its her call what she does. so out of character for her, but all of this is. she was always the initiator. now she barely wants anything to do with them. that is her call. i am here for them always. my goal is to be their rock in this storm. that is consistency. they know dad is here for them.
what she does is so out of my control. i accept that. it hurts to see her neglecting the kids. she has always been a great mom. i just have to step up my efforts to make up for it. i am good with that. they are the only thing that brings me joy right now
it hurts to see her neglecting the kids.
I know that feeling. I try not to think about H's choices about his relationship with SS. I also remember when I was such a mess both as a WAW and breaking down as the LBS when I wasn't as good of a parent as I could be. I spend so much time with my S now. More than I did when H lived here. When I was unhappy I couldn't be a good parent I see that now.
That may change...but yes just focus on your R with them.
today is my least favorite day this week. i have to bring the kids to thier mom. it breaks me down inside. last night my S just wanted to snuggle with me and so did D. we put a movie on and all laid on the floor together. they fell asleep and i just laid there with tears running down my face. i am not cut out to be a part time dad.
i am trying to be patient and see what happens. it hurts to see my kids so sad. my S said he doesnt want to go to his moms. he wants to stay with me. i told him that is nice for him to say, but he has to go to his moms. she loves him and deserves to spend time with him too.
gotta mow the lawn over there today. heres to hoping i dont have to talk to the cops today.. im bringing a water bottle so i dont have to ask for a glass of water.. im going to stay positive and try to act happy. put on a strong face for my kids. i can cry when i drive away.
Can't you pay some neighbor kid to cut it?
Or arrange with her to do it when she's not home?
Sounds like a great evening with your kids. Be grateful that you have that try not to let the sadness take over.
we have 1 lawnmower. its in our sep. agreement that i do it. no matter what happens, i intend to uphold my end of it. i dont know anyone in this town. and i dont have any extra money to pay anyone either. she might let me do it when she is not home, but that is doubtful. i am not allowed over there, except when dropping the kids off or picking them up.
i am trying to stay positive about stuff with my kids. i am going to miss them alot this week.
ok..chalk one up for Dakota! usually i am on time for everything (15 mins early). 10 mins to 2 my W txt me "are you coming or not?" didnt reply. just showed up at 2, the time i am supposed to be there. got the kids stuff out, and the lawnmower. showed W how to start it. she got it after a few tries. looks like mowing might be in her future. mowed the lawn. got done knocked on the door. drank my own water and waited for the kids. told them to listen to their mom, same rules as at my house. W said "they have only been here an hour, and i am already yelling at them". told her she would be fine, they are adjusting. gave kids hugs, told them i love them. S wanted my necklace (W got it for me 11 years ago). i gave it to him and told him to take care of it for me. it is very important. he said he would and now he has somethin of mine when he misses me. told the W if she needed anything to let me know. i would see what i could do. said bye and started walking away. she said "hey". "thanks for mowing the lawn". i said no problem. thats the first time she has said thank you in months.
all in all, i was happy acting. no R talk. best of all...NO COPS!!!!!
proud of you! amazing job!
lol.. thanks brit, it wasnt easy. seeing her is so hard for me
Way to go Dakota!!! Inspiring!
lmao...at bug! you crack me up.
thanks grace.. more has happened since my last post..im going to workout and run. ill post more about the insanity in a bit.
Great job today! You handled that really well!
thanks v-
it gets better. i get home and W starts txtin me.
W- what time did the kids go to bed last night. i think they need naps.
M- D 9 and S 11
W- why did you let him stay up so late?
M- he wouldnt go to bed. you promised you would call him. he didnt want to be sleeping when you called.
W-sorry i got busy at the store. the alarm i set on my phone i guess was for 8am not pm.
M-dont have to apologize to me. we got to hang out.
W-did u get him a water gun yet?
M-no. gonnna tomorrow.
W-when exactly were you going to tell me about tomorrow? what if i have plans..this is MY week.
M-i was goin to get him a gun. never said with him. i know its your week and i respect that. i would have asked you if its ok and you know it. i dont deserve to be talked to like this.
W-why didnt you take him to pick one out.
i didnt answer back. i have my reasons for not taking him.
1. he would want the biggest most spendy one.\
2. i got him the best bang or "squirt" for the buck\
3. kinda wanted to surprise him.
so i went to walmart. im lookin at some supplement shakes when W calls. it was S. he was balling. mom is yelling at me. she wont let me get a movie. she is being mean. i want you. i said S, settle down. i know this is tough, but its not okay to act like this. you know i dont reward bad behavior. your mom loves you and you need to respect her. same rules at my house, you have to follow there. i guess i was on speaker phone cuz W chimes in. when are you going to tell me these rules, huh? i said you already know them, they havent changed. W- this is so unfair that you sent them here tired on purpose. M- you know thats not true. S stayed up late waiting for you to call. you never did. i shoudlnt have let him, but it seemed real important to him. this isnt easy for him. W-im going to get him a councilor then. M-thats fine. maybe you should try talking to him first. W- i tried this week. he wont talk. you need to tell me whats going on. M-he is scared you will yell at him W- i would never do that. what are you saying to him about me? M-i told him you wouldnt. you are a good mom and you love him. listen, im in the middle of the store right now. i dont want to talk about this now. i will call you later. goodbye.
whhooo..ok so i havent called yet. im done working out. supper is almost done. im gonna eat and maybe go to the store. maybe i will drop off the gun and his skates tonight and talk for a minute. or just drop off the stuff. idk.
Here's where your boundary setting comes in.
Time to practice.
bug-
this is where i feel stupid. i dont get the whole boundry thing. is there something i could read on it. anyone have examples..?
W txt me some more about kids clothes. i was polite but busy. kinda pi$$ed her off.
"kinda pi$$ed her off."
When you have boundaries, you learn that it doesn't matter if they get her mad or not. They are for you. You lay down what you will or will not tolerate. When she crosses that, then you move ahead with whatever you need to.
What you went through isn't a boundary. She texted you, you were busy. End of story. It doesn't matter if she was angry about it. You shouldn't care.
bond-
actually i think this whole day is pretty funny. in a wierd sadistic way. her yelling at the kids after less than an hour. her crazy phone calls. all of it. she always said i was the "yeller". i know its not true. now maybe she can see it. i had nothing to do with today. that was all her.
as far as caring. i really think i dont care. i would love to have conversations with her. just not like this. not with who she is at the moment. i miss my W being who she used to be. i know i am not getting that back. i am still hoping for a new updated version. lol..
Do you want her to call you all the time about little stuff or would you rather when it's her time with the kids that she only contact you with emergencies.?
There are lots of books on boundaries and you can google things.
You might like the Cloud and Townsend book Boundaries.
I think it might be throwing her for a loop that you are so controlled and calm and she's really confused and possibly testing that not realising. but that's all mind reading
I would suggest doing some googling on co-parenting. It is a difficult and stressful thing and like Bug said you guys may need to set a weekly time to go over things. Write out "the rules" and go over them together with the kids. Talk to her AWAY from the kids about what you want to discuss in front of them or away from them. Don't underestimate that kids sense a weakness and sometimes likes to test boundries and play parents off one another.
You probably need to think about your parenting relationship separate from your M relationship.
bug-
Do you want her to call you all the time about little stuff or would you rather when it's her time with the kids that she only contact you with emergencies.?
i would rather let her concentrate on the kids and enjoy her time with them. eventually i would like to talk more about the little stuff. not right now.
brit-
I would suggest doing some googling on co-parenting. It is a difficult and stressful thing and like Bug said you guys may need to set a weekly time to go over things. Write out "the rules" and go over them together with the kids. Talk to her AWAY from the kids about what you want to discuss in front of them or away from them. Don't underestimate that kids sense a weakness and sometimes likes to test boundries and play parents off one another.
You probably need to think about your parenting relationship separate from your M relationship.
i have been thinking about this alot. we need to be on the same page. we were when we were together. not anymore i guess, so it needs to be figured out. i know kids test parents. they have tried with me and it hasnt worked. they know what i expect and they know what to expect from me. consistency. man thats a huge theme on my thread..lol.. she is not that way right now and i get it. she is concerened with her "life" and that takes time away from being there focused. thats what the kids need. she is a big girl, she will figure it out.
on a brighter note..today was a pretty good day. cried during my prayer for my marriage this morning. then had a few thoughts about OMen but pushed them aside. had a pretty good day at work. been awhile.
went to divorce care tonight. was on finances. i needed to hear that stuff. there was a new gal there tonight. she will be D in 2 months. she was very emotional. said it must be easy for us guys, we dont have emotions like women. normally i would have tuned her out, but i listened. then i told her a little about me. how i cry, hurt, am scared. dont want to do things. have good days, have bad days. have had to look at myself to figure out why i feel this way. kinda blew her away. she apologized and i told her, im not mad..i said this stuff to let you know, man or woman we all go through it. you are not alone. she said thank you and meant it. that feels good when some says thank you and means it. for no other reason than being myself. i didnt try to please her or be nice. didnt have to do a favor or expect it. i was just me.
after group, i had a txt from my W. asking what my plans for the week are because we need to split the kids clothes up. she has pretty much all of them. i called her and asked to speak to the kids. talked to them, let them knew daddy loves them. then she wanted to find out when i would have time. i said tomorrow night might work. let me know. told her to have a good night and hung up. i did all this sounding happy. i kind of felt happy to. i like talking to her without arguing. its nice. i gotta keep it short right now, because that is all i can handle.
all in all one of my better days in a long time. i am so glad to have this board and the support i find here. thank you everyone.
gonna have to start a new thread..lol