Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd "Misery is Optional" - 05/19/12 10:02 PM
ok. so this is my new thread. i am trying something new. i am sick of being miserable, being a victim, whatever.. if i don't make the decision to change my attitude i will stay stuck in this rut. so here goes..

1st thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2239038#Post2239038

2nd thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2243818#Post2243818
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/19/12 11:52 PM
Way to go HB...it is time to control of our lives and stop living in the past, good for you man. Having sort of a rough day myself...just couldn't get myself out and about. frown But tomorrow is another day and I plan on getting up and getting out...tomorrow is a new day...wish me luck. I'm actually gonna give church a try in the morning...a big 180 for me.

Good luck to you as well my friend. Stay strong, stay positive...this to shall pass.

TD
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/20/12 12:07 AM
td-

some days are diamonds some sure arent. im tryin to get to the diamonds. i felt the same way as you today. forced myself to go look for a bed. that was depressing.

i like your 180. i havent been to church since i was 13. in my aa programs they talk about havin a higher power. i always believed in god, but found every excuse not to go. so i figured if im gonna need god for this, which i know i do, i better put in the work. in feb. i started going to church. i always thought that catholic church seemed cool for some reason. my W is catholic, but that is not why i wanted to go to that church. we had never been together. so one sunday i took the kids to church. it felt like the father was speaking to me. i sensed the peace, and i desparately needed that. i haave not missed a mass since.

if you go with an open mind, it is amazing what you can learn and feel. i am not saying church is where god is, but i sure feel his presence there. i like it.

good luck to you. it is so nice to know that i am not alone in my struggle. this will pass. that i am sure of.
Posted By: sweetbabyred Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/20/12 12:12 AM
I'm also planning to go to church tomorrow. I've considered myself a Buddhist for a long time, but I'm going to check out a Unitarian church.
I had a friend recommend it to me a year ago and I wasn't brave enough to go on my own until now. But my 180 is to go out there and face my fears, so I need to find a community of people with similar beliefs.

I'm hoping that will make me feel less alone. At the very least I will have done something no one would have expected from me.
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/20/12 12:24 AM
sbr-

not sure what unitarian is. not like it matters. as long as it is a place you will feel comfortable, that is good. it is nice to be around people of the same views.

facing fears is tough. i am horrible at it. no more. i am going to put my all into it. i dont like being afraid. before, i would ignore my fears, then i thought i wasnt afraid. i see now, that i was actually being as afraid as it comes by not standing up to them. if i recognize my fears, own them and do something about them, i will no longer be afraid.

i am glad to hear you are doing something for you. who cares whaat others think!
Posted By: Truegritter Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/20/12 12:39 AM
Originally Posted By: Dakota

-have my W invite me to do something with her.
-get my W to laugh or smile


All good goals except these two about your W. You don't control them.

And you need to stop watching her if you are going to reach your other goals.
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/20/12 12:56 AM
My dilemma is that my W and I got married in a local Methodist church anf it's where we've always gone if we did go. I know she doesn't go that often and I like the church but her family goes pretty often so not sure if that's a good idea to go there. I grew up Roman Catholic and thought about visiting a couple of local ones to get a feel for it. I think I "left" the Catholic church because of all the pomp and "guilt". blush But I do love the mass itself and the feel of it all. Methodists seem a bit more laid back and it feels a bit more comfortable. I don't know, what you all think...I guess i could always go to another Methodist church...but the one we go to has a very long tradition (since 1830) and it's a very beautiful place.

Part of me thinks that going to the same church as W's family will help in some way...bad TD, bad...anti-DB, I know.
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/20/12 12:59 AM
tg-

once again, you are right. i do need to stop worrying about her. those i guess would be wants, not goals. if i keep looking for my W to do something, i will always be stuck. i really dont like my behavior right now. its because i am focusing on her, not myself. no more. the switch has flipped, so to speak.

i would like to thank you for the things you have given me to think about. if i didnt think about that stuff, i would still be 100% in crybaby land. thank you
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/20/12 02:17 PM
today is going to be a good day. going to church with the kids now. then W is coming over to take half their stuff to her house. i am not going to be dragged into a fight with her. i am goin to be happy. no matter what. act as if, for now.
Posted By: vera be fierce Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/20/12 03:55 PM
Hey - this may be too late but that if you were detached you wouldn't worry about running into her family at their church. Go and enjoy your experience there if that's what you like - I don't think that's anti-DB. If you want to go somewhere else, do that. What do YOU want to do? That is the DB question.
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/20/12 04:01 PM
verab-

there is no worries about her family. none of us have family here. she has went a couple times with me, but not anymore. i invited her to go, got no response. not that it changed my plans at all. i go regardless of who goes with me. it is something i enjoy. i am glad i went today. got the peace feeling i go for. sermon was good. it was about choosing to stay in the pit of despair or not. wierd how it seems like these are meant for me.

i like this church. it is beautiful. the father speaks in a way that i really like. i feel at peace there. it does not matter to me who goes or who doesnt. i would love to go as a family. thats not in the cards right now and i am okay with that. i go for myself anyway
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/20/12 06:13 PM
I didn't go to church today...I did do laundry, worked out for 2 hours and washed and vacuumed my car. I consider that a victory!! Now, I'm watching my Indians play the Marlins on TV...great day...windows open, cool outside...love it!

I didn't go to church because I found out that my Ws cousin was in town from Hawaii with their new baby and the whole family was going to be there for the baptism. I actually talked to W this morning about taking the kids out of town next week, and she told me about the baptism. I didn't tell her I was planning on going to church now...I just figured it was going to be too stressful for her if I was there. So I CHOSE not to go and let them have their day...I'll go next week. I'm not too concerned about her family either verab...you're right though, if I want to go than DA$@IT I'm going. laugh
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/20/12 10:41 PM
so today sucked. W came over and i looked at her phone. dumb choice i know. there is 2 OM's now. one is talking very dirty to her and she to him. whatever. i told her i am not going to live like this. i said calmly. she didnt like it and thats fine. there was no crying from me. she kept saying she wants space to work on her and doesnt want a divorce. i asked why. "cuz maybe we can be a family again". i think she is manipulating me. i told her i would hold up my end of the separation agreement, but she has to do her part. i told her when i get out of jail i want proof she is not talking to OM's. i mowed her lawn and left, per the agreement.

i am not going to cry around about this. i expected it. now i know. going to keep working on myself.

Operation going dark starts now.
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/21/12 02:32 AM
talked to my sponsor. im glad i did
Posted By: labug Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/21/12 02:33 AM
Me, too.

Gee, I'm gone for a couple of days and missed a lot.

How you feeling?
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/21/12 02:37 AM
bug-

lol...im okay i guess. kind of numb right now. i told my W i was done playing these games. if she wants other men, fine. i want a D. she cried and yelled and all that. i felt just sad. no tears, no anger. numb. still am. i am happy i made the decision to move on. with or without her, i will be happy. sponsor had some good insight. he sounded alot like you. =)
Posted By: 2thepoint Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/21/12 02:43 AM
As you said in a previous post - now you go dark! And the time you are incarcerated will actually help you tremendously in that regard.

Stay strong!
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/21/12 02:53 AM
2-

yes. i also believe it will. she said it is nice to be wanted. meaning OM. i told her i want her, always have. guess im not what she wants right now. im okay with that. i dont know if i can be with her anymore
Posted By: 2thepoint Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/21/12 03:00 AM
Check out this thread. Go specifically to post "#1724961 - 02/26/09 04:06 PM" and see if you can't possibly find some inspiration.
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/21/12 03:15 AM
2-

wow..wow.. that is inspiring. i to feel that way. i feel like i took back some self respect today. i am moving on. maybe being the WAS..lol. thats a joke. i am not putting up with crap behavior anymore. i have been pushed to far. i am done pushing back. i am moving out of the way. like judo..lol. her path is hers, mine is mine
Posted By: labug Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/21/12 04:01 AM
My only advice is you've drawn a hard line in the sand now, there can be no waffling.

Dark means dark.
Posted By: Truegritter Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/21/12 11:24 AM
^^^^^^^

Yup.

Originally Posted By: Dakota
i expected it. now i know.


Ok it is natural to want to know. We say don't snoop and all but only becuase it hurts.

And because there is nothing you can do about it. That is my opinion others may disagree.

Who knows why she is choosing this right now she might not even know but one thng is for sure she has justified it in her mind and you are likely most of the reason.

I am not saying that is true, only you know what you did and how you acted in your M. Only you can hear her complaints and determine which are valid.

Only you can choose to change those things.

Attempts by you right now to assert what YOU want will be met with anger.

Going dark?

Tell me why you are choosing to do this? How will you do it?
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/21/12 12:48 PM
tg-

you are right. there is nothing i can do. and yes, i am sure she hs justified it, because of me. i know i wasnt emotionally there for her. i didnt make her feel good about herself on a daily basis. i am going to change those things. i just cant show her.

i am going dark because of my boundries. i am not going to be in a R with someone who is messing aroud with OM.

i will not contact her, except about when i am comimg to pick up my kids. she has made it clear she does not want to be married to me. that is fine. whe i am not in her life to blame, she might have to look at herself. maybe not. either way i can not continue this.
Posted By: Brit45 Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/21/12 01:24 PM
Hi Dakota!
As a WAW who dated really soon after I walked let me slightly say she might not be justifying it because of things you did. She might but she might not. So don't think about what you did that could have caused it because that's not helpful to anyone. Some people, male or female, like/want/need attention from the opposite sex. Whether it's low self esteem or distraction, you'll seek it out even if you're not emotionally ready for it.

She's getting a high from all the dirty texts. It's numbing the pain and distracting her from the real issue which is that her marriage is over. Otherwise she wouldn't have had that reaction when you said you wanted a D.

Think about how you can be a better partner in general. Think about all the good qualities you have to offer someone. Think about how you want to improve those and change others. Don't beat yourself up. and yes, go dark, Let her sit and think.
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/21/12 09:25 PM
brit-

thanks. its been a rough day. i have been up and down..thinking about waffling. then not. it really hurts to know those things. i am glad in a way i found out. now i know, and can attempt to deal with it.

i know she is getting high from the attention. she said its "a stupid game she is playing" and "do i know how good it feels for someone to want her?" then she says "i dont know what this is, but im just going with it." whatever. there is a right and wrong. doing this with a married man while she is still married is wrong. maybe she will see it, maybe not.

i want to be a better partner. i do. i am working very hard on it. i am still grieving the loss of my W. its getting a little better. a couple of days in between cries. i know i have good qualities. i know i have bad ones too. i am working very hard o the bad qualities, and still workin on the good.

do you really think i made a good call going dark. it feels wrong, but that must be because it is the hard thing to do. what i have been doing isnt working.

the thing that worries me is trust. i dont know if i will ever be able to trust her again. look at her the same way. i feel sick right now just talking about her.

i am going to be happy. i need to get back in rockstar mode.
Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/21/12 09:55 PM
Quote:

the thing that worries me is trust. i dont know if i will ever be able to trust her again. look at her the same way. i feel sick right now just talking about her.


You will, because you will want too. You will again but it takes work on both your part and her part for it to be real.

One of the real tests, is her understanding that you don't trust her, and her allowing you to check up on her. IF that happens? That is a great sign.

And...NO nothing like tha will happen soon for you.

Quote:

do you really think i made a good call going dark


You either want affirmation. : ) Good JOB! There you go.

OR you're hoping someone says "No' so you can justify reaching out to her.

Pretty sure no one is going to tell you that.

sooo Good job. : )
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/22/12 01:07 AM
jack-

lol..yeah thanks for the good job. we will see where it goes. went to my meeting with my sponsor. put me in a good mood. W txt me about 4 times asking for stuff for the kids. didnt answer. just dropped it off and left. now im going to go for a run and work out.
Posted By: labug Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/22/12 01:46 AM
Keep yourself busy, you're doing great.
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/22/12 03:01 AM
bug-
thanks. i actually feel great. my D just called. or my W called for her cuz she is 5. D is crying for me. W is mad sayin "doesnt she have a bedtime at your house?" i said she would already be sleeping at my house. its because i put the effort into relaxing herthe way she needs. i didnt say that last part. then D said "i dont want mommy i want you daddy." W got mad and said goodbye. whatever.

it hurts to know my D is sad. i will be there for her in a month. i will be ok. she will too. makes me feel good to know my sweetpea misses me and its only been 2 nites.

i am feeling good. better than most nights. workout was good. meeting was good. got my rockstar shades on.
Posted By: Brit45 Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/22/12 10:31 AM
Originally Posted By: heartbrokeinsd

do you really think i made a good call going dark. it feels wrong, but that must be because it is the hard thing to do. what i have been doing isnt working.


It will feel wrong and horrible and against everything you want to do. But think about it like a work out. The first time you ever work out it hurts and you know it's easier to stop but you push yourself and then your muscles are sore and then it's easier and you can go for longer or do more and then you see results and that pushes you on.

It's exactly like that.

Two things will happen:
you will stop thinking/obsessing about her so much. It just happens. Because you aren't pursuing there's to think about. Because you aren't having communication there's less to think about it.
You will start feeling in control of the situation. Just a tiny bit because you're now in control of your communication. You're not giving into every whim to text or call her. And when she contacts you, you're not falling into old patterns and letting her see you hurt.

This will do wonders for you! I'm loving the rockstar shades. Don't forget look great and smell good anytime she sees you. I have never put so much work into looking "casually hot" as I have lately.
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/22/12 12:42 PM
brit-

that makes alot of sense. it does hurt not talking to her. i need to do this to prove that i can control myself. i aam not going to let her hurt me anymore. it still rips me up thinking about what she is doing with OM. there is nothing i can do about it. she was going to meet him at a wedding 4 hrs away over last weekend. he left his W at home and brought his kids. and she was going to be a part of that. its sad. its so wrong.

i feel sad for her. i feel sad for his boys. i feel sad for his wife. mostly i feel sad for my kids. i dont really feel sad for me anymore. i am going to move on. if she wants a R from me, the ball is in her court.

i am consciously telling myself not to think about them. i am just trying to focus on me. i need to move on. stop being sucked in to her drama.

i do look my best whenever i see her. she has told me i am not attractive. that is okay. i know i am. the more my confidence comes out, the better i will look.
Posted By: labug Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/22/12 01:25 PM
Keep in mind, this is about you, your boundaries are to protect you, not change her.

I think it also helps when you begin to think about her, wonder what she's doing, etc tell yourself to stop thinking about her. Switch to your workouts, Highland games, guitar, anything. Just stop thinking about her.

It's not easy and it takes time but you can do it.

I have a great daily meditations book called The Language of Letting Go. It's like having another friend in my corner, cheering me on.
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/22/12 05:01 PM
bug-

so about boundries. i told my W if she continued to talk to OM i would tell his W what was going on, i havent yet. i want to. on the other hand i dont. also not sure if its a boundry or an ultimatum.

i feel really bad for his W. if i was her i would have liked to know. at the same time, i dont want to ruin her life. he is telling my W he is leaving his W for her. i think thats a load of crap. whatever.

second dilemma. if i tell, W could get mad and choose him. who knows. i am not sure if i want my W back. i am really hurt, and trying hard not to be resentful. i want to trust her again. i am not sure that i will get that chance, or even want it. i miss her, yes. will i forever? no. im kind of at a crossroads. when i told her i am done and want a D, i was okay with it. i dont like whats going on. she has continuously lied and not honored our separation agreement. i have been fired. im moving on i think.
Posted By: MrBond Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/22/12 07:20 PM
"i told my W if she continued to talk to OM i would tell his W what was going on, i havent yet. i want to. on the other hand i dont. also not sure if its a boundry or an ultimatum."

This is neither. It's a threat.

You can't solve the problem by threatening her. It's going to make her go to him more than ever just because you told her that she couldn't. You're not her father. That is controlling.

What you're supposed to do is to give her up to do what she is going to do. She's either going to burn through the OM relationship really quick, or learn that the grass isn't always greener. But when you 'forbid' her, etc. You're fanning the fantasy.

And let's face it. Your "separation agreement" was all based on your needs. She didn't contribute to any of it, so why should she respect it? Again, the fastest way to get her over the OM is to give her to him. Then start living your life like she doesn't matter.

You honestly have nothing to be mad at because you are causing the very thing that you don't want.
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/22/12 10:28 PM
bond-

thanks again. i do agree with you. i told her that months ago. i havent said anything to them. you are right about the agreement. it means nothing to her. it is seen as me being controling.

as far as im concerned, he can haave her. she doesnt want me, aad i need to get over that. i am not mad. i dont know if i will ever trust her again. we will see if the opportunity arises. until then, i am done. i will focus on me, and not worry about her.

i know my actions have pushed her towards him. thats why i am finally listening to you. i am dark. sorry im a slow learner, but i do catch on. thank you.
Posted By: MrBond Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/22/12 10:37 PM
"as far as im concerned, he can haave her. she doesnt want me, aad i need to get over that. i am not mad."

Do you realize how you managed to contradict yourself in the same paragraph?

It's okay to be mad, p@ssed off, etc. Let that all out. Then do the work.
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/22/12 10:42 PM
bond-

i know. it seems like that. i am not mad. sometimes i guess. usually i am numb. hurt. sad. not really all that mad. there are times where i am, but they are farther apart now. i cant change her. i get that now. too late? maybe. i like to think i still have a chance.

she might miss me when i dont pursue her. i knoww i missed her when she walked away. i am not changing for her. i am changing for myself. she would only be a benefit. i need to deal with my hurt. i am figuring that out. slowly.

any tips on how to move past her actions? how to deal with the hurt?
Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/22/12 10:52 PM
How to deal with it?

'Know' that you're going to be hurt.

Know that she is going to say and do things that anger you and upset you.

Quote:

m:30 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:9
D:5

Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12


Know that you're going to strive to be like Rocky Balboa. You don't have to hit the hardest, you just have to be standing at the end to have the best chance of success.

Stand? You don't kneel, when you can stand, you don't lie down when you can kneel, and you don't tap out if you can lie down and gather your strength.


A really good tip?

The spouse and the OP? they don't spend near as much time, if any...making fun or talking about the LBS. They also don't spend near the ammount of time together that most of us think they do.

If you push her about the OM? You're just pushing her toward him.
And that's...just stupid.
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/23/12 12:49 AM
jack-

thanks. i needed that. my kids are reason enough to be like rocky. i wont give up, no matter how much i get "punched". i thought about that kind of on my run tonight. i was running into a 30 mph wind and i wanted to quit. i was wearing out and only half way. i came to far to turn back. i didnt want to give up. i kept going and only took about 30 secs longer than normal. i told myself to think about my wife that way. i hurt during and after my run, but i am glad i didnt give up.
Posted By: labug Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/23/12 02:27 AM
Good thoughts on your run. As I said before, you are a very insightful guy when you don't let the fear control you.

she continued to talk to OM i would tell his W what was going on, i havent yet. i want to. on the other hand i dont.

You didn't share this before.

About the OM wife...why tell her?

What do you think the response will be?

Do you want your W back because you've engineered OM out of her life or do you want her back because she sees you as the best option?
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/23/12 02:42 AM
bug-

i get so mixed up in my hurt and fear. then i say ^^^^ and do stupid things. i havent said anything to OM or OM's W. i am not planing on it. i really dont want to ruin his childrens lives. he is doin a good enough job of that. plus, i really dont believe he is leaving his W for mine. it's textbook stuff he is saying. if he goes, and my W goes for it, whatever. thats her choice. i wont want any part of that.

i want my W to come back for me. not as a last resort, but because she truly wants too. if i say stuff to him or his wife, i believe it will negatively affect me. i'm trying out this patience thing.

as far as insightful..lol.. yeah right. i figure out alot of stuff that makes sense to me. acting on it the right way is proving to be a struggle. i havent given up yet.

i miss my kids terribly. my son has been txting me pictures of the baseball cards he got with his allowance. its the only way he can show me right now. usually we would be sitting together looking at them, etc.. in a month we can. this is proving to be the hardest part when it comes to staying positive and in a good mood. i love my kids more than anything in the world, that is the reason i havent given up and will continue to work on being a great person. they deserve it.
Posted By: MrBond Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/23/12 02:49 AM
IMHO I would tell his W. After he's done with your W he'll just move on to someone else. I would have wanted someone to tell me when my W was in her A.
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/23/12 02:56 AM
bond- that is where i struggle. my W is the 3rd at her work he has done this with. kind of a pattern. i dont want to push her away. she has said "its a game she is playing". dont know what to mke of that.

i would definitely liked to have known she was doing this, instead of having to play detective. but i did, and found out alot in the process. i cant think of a way to do it, in a way that doesnt backfire. i dont trust myself to confront him. i have a history of violent behavior and am afraid of how i will actually act in the situation. i also do not want my wife to feel i am controlling her by telling his W. the piece of garbage just had a baby born 1.5 months ago with his W. i feel really bad for her.

then there is the work thing. if his W flips out and causes problems, my W will lose her job. she is on thin ice. she would never forgive me for that.
Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/23/12 03:02 AM
You telling his wife...

How is that going to work out? Think that your wife is going to wake up from it? She will NOT be grateful to you...and she will know or find out that it was you.


IF you do this, understand the shitstorm you called down.

Some ascribe to this, and others do not. Make your own choice in this, just do not think it will go over well.
Posted By: labug Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/23/12 03:02 AM
His W might already know, this may not be the first.

as far as insightful..lol.. yeah right. i figure out alot of stuff that makes sense to me. acting on it the right way is proving to be a struggle.

This made me laugh. It's good to keep a sense of humor about this.

Taking the time to act on this stuff is where growth occurs. Pay attention to your emotions but don't let them control you. Just knowing your emotions and feeling them is a huge step.

In the past I'm sure you numbed the uncomfortable ones with your drug of choice.

And it seems you've always acted first and regretted later.

Decisions made in the throes of emotion are usually not good ones.

He!!, in the midst of an emotional storm I told my H to move out if he wasn't happy.

How many times have I wanted a do-over on that one?

Take the time to make the decision that's right for you.
Posted By: MrBond Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/23/12 03:02 AM
"in a way that doesnt backfire"

Forget about the fear. You're not thinking about the welfare of your W, you're thinking about the welfare of his W and young family.

"if his W flips out and causes problems, my W will lose her job. she is on thin ice. she would never forgive me for that."

Again, who cares? She already doesn't "forgive" you for many things. And besides, SHE is the one at fault. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time. Not you. Never be ashamed at doing the right thing.

When she throws it back at you, again that's when you hold up your hand and tell her that you didn't do it to get her back or to spite her. You did it because you were worried about his young family and your W doesn't mean anything to you. When she sees that you mean business and really have nothing to lose, she'll back off.

Think of the OM's young child that has a scumbag for a dad.
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/23/12 03:12 AM
ok..way to say alot of good stuff everyone. i do want to do what is right. im not sure what that is. i am thinking very hard on that. i feel bad for his family, but she might already know. the guy is a scumbag, and i dont say that to make myself feel better. he is.

i dont want to add more resentment to the pile. i am not afraid of my W. i want positive results. the only positive for me, would be knowing i helped someone. is it really help, though. i dont want to sink to his level. i dont want my W to think i engineered him out of her life. i have alot to think about. if i told her, what would be a positive. only thing i see, is that now she would know for sure.

bug- glad i could make you laugh. you have done that many times for me, when i really needed it.
Posted By: labug Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/23/12 03:16 AM
If he's done this that many times before (that you know of) my guess is, she knows.

And don't forget when people are backed into a corner, they can do some crazy, hurtful, dangerous things.
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/23/12 03:20 AM
yeah..thats what scares me. thats why i am trying patience. i dont know what to do. i am all over the place. i think the biggest reason to do it for me, is to get back at him. that is selfish and not right. i am trying to be a better person. he is just lucky i am not still drinking. it is hard changing who i have been. but over the years i have come along way. i dont want to go back..
Posted By: labug Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/23/12 03:22 AM
biggest reason to do it for me, is to get back at him. that is selfish and not right.

There ya go, toldya you were an insightful guy.
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/23/12 03:26 AM
i am sad for his family. very sad. but my anger is what is causing me to want to do this. that i need to watch. it usually gets me in trouble. he should expect a consequence though. you dont mess around with a married woman. that is what is wrong with the world. people do things because they get away with it. i was not raised that way. i believe if you screw up, you pay the price.
Posted By: Truegritter Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/23/12 03:30 AM
Two more pennies:

He is not the problem.

What is the reason to tell his W?

Not your job to leach lessons.

The high road?

Yes it is a place you put yourself so you can protect you and your family.

You act in kind expect to get dirty on the muddy road with them.

Who will respect you for this?

More importantly will you respect yourself?

Originally Posted By: Dakota
i am not afraid of my W.


Really? what is driving this decision? Fear she won't come back?

What does a cornered, hurt animal do when confronted?

Hurt people, hurt people.

Healing people try very hard to weigh the consequences of their decisons and how they align toward the progress of their goals.

Okay more than $.02
Posted By: labug Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/23/12 03:35 AM
But it's not your job to do that. He will pay a price but you may never know what that is.

And he is not the problem, your W made the choice and I think that's the part that hurts so much, you feel like she chose scumbag over you.

Is that where your anger comes from?

Have you read this post? [url=http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Main=51563&Number=2247416#Post2247416][/url]
Posted By: labug Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/23/12 03:36 AM
here, let me make that clickable: click
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/23/12 03:39 AM
tg-

thank you. you have a good perspective. i do not want to get "muddy". i am trying very hard to do the right thing. i haave been thinking about this for months. i havent done anything yet. recent events brought it bck up. i do feel cornered and i dont like it. usually i lash out. i am trying not to. if i think on this for at least another day i probably wont get muddy. i really dont believe he is the "problem" just a contributing factor. the main problem is between me and my W. who knows if it will ever get fixed. all i know is i am only doing my share of the work now. i have done to much, for her to do anything. i think that is the main reason for me going dark.
Posted By: labug Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/23/12 03:42 AM
I swear I didn't read TG's post before I posted. smile
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/23/12 12:55 PM
well.. another day. another chance to make good decisions. i have important meetings with engineers today. i need to be in a good mood or i could shoot my project in the foot.

i woke up repeatedly last night with bad dreams. i need piece of mind. i think i will only get that if i give up and let go. detach. accept. be happy. i know whatever i do, my W will not change her mind. it is her choice and i have to let her make them. i can only be the best me possible. the best dad possibe. i do believe my M is over. maybe we can start over. i am not holding on to that. my hope for that is gone. i just want my kids to be happy.

i need to read some success stories. maybe that will help my mood.
Posted By: Brit45 Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/23/12 01:24 PM
thank you for checking in with me last night. It looks like we both got some tough love on our threads. A lot of your comments on this thread from you and others helped me this morning.

I don't think we can fully detach until we give up that hope. I'm working on me. For me.
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/23/12 02:11 PM
brit-
tough love can be very helpful. i worry about you. you had a miserable day. i know the feeling. im glad you are feeling better. i fear all is lost for me. i need to accept that. it is hard, but like your dad says, if it was easy everyone would do it.

its good to see you picking yourself up. thats not easy, so it says alot about you. i read every post you make. keep them coming.
Posted By: needgrace Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/23/12 02:57 PM
hi hb,

i am sorry you had such a hard night sleeping and had such bad dreams. i think we all have been there.

it is hard to feel good emotionally without rest. i hope your meeting goes well.

((( )))
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/23/12 06:07 PM
i can only hope the meeting goess well. the engineer is very tough to deal with. but if i think its going to go good, chances are it will. i did good work and have nothing to be ashamed of. i am good at what i do.

the dreams will stop. they have to sometime. i hate this cycle i am on. it has to get better. if i am still going through this it means i havent accepted it. not contacting W is the hardest thing i have ever done. i dont see how it is going to have any positive outcome. she likes pursuit. OM is pursuing her and she loves it. what i have been doing isnt working, so i guess this is worth a shot.

this is my last option i think. at least i will know i tried everyting. not like that will make the hurt go away. i am slowly getting my confidence back. i just need to shut up when i am around my W.

i am scared about going to jail tomorrow. i wont see my kids. i am scared about what she will be doing. that is something i need to let go of. i dont control her. i never did. i need to stop trying now. what ever comes of this is meant to be i guess.

i have the fear of never being loved again. i know my kids love me, but its different. i feel like a failure. i still am not sure what all my bad behaviors were in my W's eyes. that scares me. if i dont know what she saw, how do i fix it?
Posted By: MrBond Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/23/12 07:17 PM
I would talk to her about the kids and discuss how to handle your incarceration with them. Both of you have to be on the same page about this.

Stay strong. You can do this. How long are you in for again?

Just real quick about the exposing to the OM's W issue. It's not a matter of punishing your W or the OM. It's showing concern for the OM's W. Or for those who are against this, if your spouse was cheating on you behind your back, would you want to know?

Hang in there man we are all here for you.
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/23/12 08:58 PM
bond-

just found out i dont go to jail tomorrow. they dont have room. i have 26 days with work release. hopefully i can do work there too, and get some time knocked off.

we have talked about the kid stuff. i will call them every night. no visiting them. i agree. it is really hard on them. plus i could lose my work release if im caught not at work.

on the OM's W. i do want to tell her. i just think its mostly for selfish reasons. although i do feel really bad for her. then there is the negative outcomes. he lies to her and my W and i look like an a$$. she starts trouble at work with my W and she loses her job. She leaves scumbag and then my W has him like she wants. W gets very mad and runs even more to him. Sees it as me controlling.

only positive i see is, the W might be able to stop what i cant. i do blame this R between W and OM alot for our problems. we ave always worked it out before. she didnt drop the bomb until a month after this started between them. i know my part, but i dont think it would be quite as bad. maybe it would be.

either way, i'll probably do something stupid.
Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/23/12 09:26 PM
Originally Posted By: MrBond
Just real quick about the exposing to the OM's W issue. It's not a matter of punishing your W or the OM. It's showing concern for the OM's W. Or for those who are against this, if your spouse was cheating on you behind your back, would you want to know?


since...like alot of us here are here because of this...the answer will be quite high.

Would I want to know?

I figure I would if she was after everything? Yeah, not going to ignore the clues or gut, and bury my head in the sand.

On that note...OM here has already done it twice? Either the wife knows, chooses not too, or is a blissfully ignorant person.

If Dakota does it, or does not he will have a basis for either supporting it or not supporting it in the future.

He has valid reason for doing it, and valid reasons against it.

Dakota, if you choose to: Ok.
If you choose not to: Ok.

It's your life, hindsight will provide clarity you are currently missing.
Posted By: MrBond Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/23/12 09:27 PM
I've got another positive. You're helping the OM's W and their children. IMHO she has a right to know that she may be in danger of catching a STD or that the savings that could be used for their kids' college fund is being used on other women.

See you're still thinking about it in terms of yourself and how it will impact you. I say forget about that. This woman is innocent and in danger of catching something deadly. If you say this guy is a serial cheater then she has a right to be concerned.

Of course that's just me.
Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/23/12 09:29 PM
Quote:

i do blame this R between W and OM alot for our problems. we ave always worked it out before. she didnt drop the bomb until a month after this started between them. i know my part, but i dont think it would be quite as bad. maybe it would be


Dakota,

either you are a horrible judge of character...meaning the woman you decided to marry and she was never any good...in which case the above is true.

OR the Affair is a symptom of a greater problem.

Neither option is a pleasant one.
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/23/12 09:35 PM
the info i have is from my W. she has told stories about 2 other women at work who were going thru D and he was there "as a Friend". thats what she told me was going on with them. so if i take what she said and applied it the way it is now, there have been others. i know this type of guy. once upon a time i was him. minus the being M and having a family. i knew how to lie to women to get what i wanted. what he is saying is textbook.

my W has already taken everything. not there was alot. i dont know what im going to do. i want to fight for my marriage. but fighting has gotten me nowhere. i am very conflicted. i want to do whats right. tell her. i also think its because i am being selfish. i am also throwing my values away not telling her. i want stuff not to get worse with my W and that is also selfish
Posted By: Brit45 Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/23/12 09:37 PM
What if there was a third option on the tell don't tell debate. Either OM will leave his W for your W and she'll find out. Or it will end on its own and you can then decide to tell.

I think this internal debate isn't helping you detach. Now you're not only concerned with your R, the R of W and OM but also OM's M
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/23/12 09:38 PM
jack-

i think it is both. this is the 3rd EA. she says it was never like how i say it. it doesnt matter. talking to other men while you are married and hiding it, is wrong. call it whatever. this one has gotten serious.

also i know i am partly to blame for not giving her what she needed. i am not saying what she did is ok. just that i have a part
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/23/12 09:40 PM
brit-

you have a good point. there are so many options, and no i am not very good at detaching. i love my wife. i do. at the same time, i dont know if i can love her like this. i am not going to sit around and deal with this. it is eating me alive. i need to make a choice.
Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/23/12 09:48 PM
Dakota I just don't want you to marginalize your part in it. That is all.

People who do that? It doesn't end well long term and while the marriage that brought them here is likely not to do well...neither will other relationships either.

It becomes a pattern repeated and repeating.
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/23/12 10:51 PM
jack-

i am taking full responsibility for my part. and hers sometimes. i know i was not the model husband. i am doing things about that because i want to.

i am going to leave the situation alone. i prayed and got no answer. i talked here and got no answer. i dont think there is aa right answer. except i want her to be with me because she wants to. not because i manipulated it into happening.

maybe down the road i will say something. maybe not. i dont know at this point. i cant keep thinking about it. i know that. it is driving me insane.

i am picking my kids up for a "last supper" before i go to jail. i invited W on S before i found all this out. i txt her today to see when the kids will be home so i can pick them up. asked if she was still coming. she said she felt uninvited. didnt text her back. i dont know if i want her to. i am going to put on my "shades" and let whatever happens, happen.
Posted By: labug Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/23/12 10:55 PM
Originally Posted By: heartbrokeinsd
brit-

you have a good point. there are so many options, and no i am not very good at detaching. i love my wife. i do. at the same time, i dont know if i can love her like this. i am not going to sit around and deal with this. it is eating me alive. i need to make a choice.


Do you NEED to make a choice or you want to make choice because you think it will make you feel better?

Yesterday you said you wanted to tell because you were angry at the OM.

When we hurt we want to hurt others. That's hardly ever a good starting position.

Would you really be telling her to "help" her or to help you?

Another point, the only way you're going to really feel better is through the gift of time and working on yourself.
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/24/12 12:59 AM
bug-

thats what i mean about a choice. i need to let go. stop all this crap between me and her. she is a big girl. she can figure it out. i do want to hurt OM. that i know. i also know that is not healthy and will lead to alot of misery. i am leaving it alone. it really isnt worth my time.

dinner went okay. W came which was wierd. my D had to go to the bathroom. W and her left. 5 secs later W came back and grabbed her phone. made me mad. i didnt react. i just kept on. brought them home after. i asked her to please give me the list of the things i have done to make her unhappy. the list i asked for about 3-4 weeks ago, if not longer. finally got it. there is some things to look at. here are a few
-pessimistic
-procrastinator
-half-a$$ed
-disorganized
-over react
-lack of patience

then there are some examples. most of it is because of my drinking. that is an easy fix. dont drink and do stuff productively. it gives me something to go off at least.
she needs ALOT of time and space. She said she doesnt know if she will ever get over the hurt i have caused her. i told her i understand, but i am not living in the past. i am going to re write my future.

then i said goodbye and left. going to feed my dog and go to an aa meeting. my homegroup, so that will be nice. i am very scared about our future. she gave me some good info i have to think about.
Posted By: MrBond Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/24/12 01:06 AM
Did she actually give you more details or were they all one words? They could apply to anyone. In fact, I would say after reading your interactions, she's guilty of those things.
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/24/12 03:37 AM
bond-
yes she did give some examples. when having "girls night out" i would sometimes show up or "grill her" when she got home. staying after work and drinking and not calling to say when i would be home. spending money when we didnt have it, causing overdrafts. not giving her the same courtesies she gave me. she says i need to "respect" her. i am still not sure what that means. i did respect her. i guess i didnt shpw it the right way. i dont respect her right now.

i went to my meeting. i am so glad i did. talked to a guy who is going thru a similar sitch. he said alot of the same things DB says. give space. dont control. work on me. these are my goals. i need to stop mind f---ing myself. excuse my language. i dont know how else to say it. if i accept that i might never get her back this will be a whole lot easier. she is as confused as me, just in a different way. i do see her side of it. to a point. the OM i will never understand. i really do believe, deep down this isnt what she wants. she likes the attention and i think she wants to hurt me. she knows this does.

i am hopefully going to sleep tonight. maybe tomorrow will be better than today.
Posted By: Truegritter Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/24/12 04:03 AM
Originally Posted By: Dakota
i know whatever i do, my W will not change her mind.


Then why are you here?

ANSWER THAT IF YOU WANT BEFORE WE MOVE ON








There are lots of people in the world who can benefit from your charity why bestow it on OM's wife?

Feeling charitable? Give your old ties to goodwill.

Let's be honest

Telling OM's wife has an agenda. Do it or don't do it, But don't lie to yourself about the reasons.

Or the consequences.

Not from your wife.

from yourself.

How does telling her align with who you are and who you aspire to be?

The only person that matters here is YOU. You have to live with you.
Posted By: labug Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/24/12 04:16 AM
There's a great Steve Earle song called God is God. You might know his story.

I read somewhere that the song is his 3rd Step prayer. Now I don't know if that's true, but it's a great song.

Always reminds me of my place in the scheme of things.

Google it.

Good luck tomorrow.
Posted By: Truegritter Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/24/12 04:27 AM
Steve Earle is great...
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/24/12 12:46 PM
tg-

i am here to save my marriage. i am here to save me. i have hope that my wife will change her mind. right now it doesnt look that way. that is right now.

i have looked at why i want to tell OM's W. it is mainly for selfish reasons. that is why i am choosing to leave it alone. i dont want to be that mean vindictive person anymore. i have thought about it alot. i dont really see any positives that out weigh the negatives.

i am "aspiring" to be a great man. i have a long road ahead of me. i have come to the realization that, no matter what, i love my W. i always will. i am willing to do whatever it takes to be with her. i know i need to be happy with me for that to ever work. i am willing to forgive. i am willing to trust. i will move past our issues by dealing with them in the right way. i do believe i still have a chance. i vent here sometimes because i dont know what else to do. i know deep down, that i dont want to give up.

i am googling steve earl now.
Posted By: Brit45 Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/24/12 01:31 PM
I think you're doing a good job. I feel like there has been a shift in the past few days. good work!
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/24/12 01:43 PM
brit-

thank you. i dont feel good about it. there has been a shift. i know more of what i want and what i am willing to do to get there. there has been no shift from my W and that is to be expected. its going to take a long time for her to see i am not a demon. if she ever will.

she is consumed by OM right now. it hurts, because i think she will be hurt by him. i dont believe he will leave his W for her. when he doesnt she will be hurt. i dont like that. it also hurts me that my W is having all these feelings for him while she is still married to me. she is a big girl. nothing i can do to change her mind about that right now. i have accepted what is.
i dont like it, it hurts, but i have accepted.

i am going to live for me. and my kids. if she doesnt come back i have to be ok. i dont know how to do that but i am learning. thank you for your support. im glad to hear from you. you sound a bit better.
Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/24/12 06:13 PM
Quote:

excuse my language


Why? Did it fart? ; )

I f-ing hate it when my language is rude.
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/24/12 08:59 PM
jack-

lmao...thanks.. i needed that today. been numb all day. at least i havent been crying like a baby. lol..so thank you. still mind f-ing myself, but im getting used to it. starting to be able to turn my thoughts elsewhere for bits of time. still not happy, but thats a process.

thank you for the bits of stuff you have posted. helped me figure out what i was really feelig and why. i think i am making better decisions. this is a long hard fight, but i think i can be like rocky =)
Posted By: needgrace Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/24/12 09:06 PM
i started hearing the rocky theme song reading your last line. smile you can do it HB!! just like Rocky and we are all running up the steps with you!
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/24/12 09:09 PM
eye of the tiger wasnt it? lol.. thanks. if nothing else there are people here who understand where im coming from, and that feels good
Posted By: Truegritter Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/25/12 05:48 AM
Originally Posted By: Dakota
there has been no shift from my W and that is to be expected. its going to take a long time for her to see i am not a demon. if she ever will.


Excuse my language

F@ck her right now...

Man I gotta say your response to me was...

Well, full of balls, that is what I'm gettin at.

I want you to read what you wrote because THAT is important for you here, at this point, to move forward and it took a alot of gut punching and soul massaging.

THAT is what you are here for. You punched all that sh!t around in your head in spit out your soul.

That is a good step.

Don't you think?
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/25/12 01:06 PM
tg-

i am shaking right now. i dont know why i wrote what i wrote. only that it is truly how i feel. i love my wife. i love her to the point that no matter what, we can work this out. it might get me left hanging out to dry. it might not. i dont know how to tell her this stuff. i dont really know how to show her. i want her to know i will fight for her, no matter what. i dont know how to show that either.

i have been feeling a little better the last few days. not so miserable. have been using the "stop sign" when thoughts come up about OM. i still wake up every night from dreams. i still only sleep only about 4 hrs a night. i dont eat hardly. thats helping me get pretty cut, with my workouts, so that might be a plus.

i was at an aa meeting last night and some things clicked. i hvent respected her. i isolated myself out of the guilt i felt. i felt like a horrible person. i shut myself off without meaning to. i had no passion. i was lost. i didnt know what to do to feel better. i knew i drank to much, but was scared. scared that i wouldnt be "me" if i didnt. even though i didnt like "me".

i want so badly to apologize to her. i want to tell her i get it. i cant. she will not let me. if i try, i am pursuing. pushing her away. she does not want to talk to me or be around me. i have tried thinking about why OM is so attractive to her. he is just like me. and worse in some ways. only thing i can think of, is he tells her what she wants to hear. i didnt give my W the reassurances that she needed. i was walled off in my own world. blindly ruining it. then i thought if i didnt drink, things would be ok. i know i need to keep working on me. that is obvious. i am all over the place right now. sorry for my rambling.
Posted By: Brit45 Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/25/12 01:21 PM
Dakota, I know EXACTLY how you feel right now. I really really do.

I sobbed until I felt like I my stomache might come through my nose....I've thought in circles and crazy thoughts I've laughed hysterically and then cried some more.

I don't know when it when it happen for you that switch. But at some point you decide that you're only torturing yourself, you're hurting you right now not her actions. Your reactions to her actions are hurting you and you'll decide that you aren't a demon, you are worth love and respect.

I can't recommend enough Codependent No More. It's like a revelation.
Posted By: labug Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/25/12 01:31 PM
If you can, stop worrying about why she chose OM, she probably doesn't know other than he was willing. And he said all the things you weren't saying. And maybe her father's the same.

That was then, this is now. She may want to listen to you again but you aren't ready.

What TG said is so true and what you wrote ^^^is your soul coming out from hiding. Be gentle with yourself, you're birthing a new human being.

Did you have a chance to listen to the Steve Earle song? My favorite line (nah, they're all good):

That every day on Earth's another chance to get it right.
Let this little light of mine shine and rage against the night
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/25/12 01:49 PM
bug-

yes i did listen to the song. it is very good. how do i know when i am ready? i feel ready and willing. i have been for a long time. i aam back to wanting to confront OM.

this is what i want to say:
" i dont know what your intentions with my W are. i dont really care. i know what mine are. i am never going to stop fighting for my W. i will always be in her life, and i will always be fighting for her. if you are up to the competition, great. just know i have a headstart. i am still married to her."
and then walk away.

i havent done it. i am just thinking about it. i know no other way of showing her i havent given up. maybe i could say that to my W. idk. i dont want to be pursuing, but she likes pursuit. any thoughts would be much appreciated.
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/25/12 01:57 PM
brit-

thanks for your compassion. i do know i need to stop worrying about her. it is hard on me. knowing and doing are to different things.

i am concentrating on myself. i cant get her out of my head. she is always there. in the back some days, in the front others. i know the is co dependence between us. i have known that for awhile.

i read the infidelity chapter in DR again last night. i think i am at the ATLRT spot. i dont want to end myy marriage but i cant do this anymore. i think i am ready to say, either you two are done or we are. i try very hard not to be selfish. i cannot share my W with another man. it isnt in me.

this is the hardest thing i have ever done. i am not scared of it. i love her with all my heart. if given the chance, i would never do the things i have done ever again. she will be a priority in my life. seeing her smile, and be happy. ugghh. another tough day ahead.
Posted By: labug Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/25/12 02:24 PM
I've given you my thoughts on it. LIO gave you her thoughts on it, TG has given you his.

Why do you want to confront him? She's cheating on you. Do you think she'd not doing this of her own freewill? I
m not saying you confront her because I think you've already done that. She knows you're there.

Quote:
i dont want to end myy marriage but i cant do this anymore. i think i am ready to say, either you two are done or we are

How will this change how you're feeling? That piece of paper that says you are D is going to take the pain away?

I'm not advocating for either, just be honest with yourself about why you're doing it.

Life hurts sometimes, a LOT! And we run around looking for ways to make it stop hurting. I wrote this on my thread weeks ago about how I've dealt with hurt and pain: I'm trying to detach from my "drugs of choice" anger, victimhood, righteous indignation, outrage and see what it's like to accept each person in my life just as they are, just as god made them. Those "drugs" kept me hopped up for so long, I loved that high of being right and in control, using my mind to cut someone down to size. But when the high was gone, I was left with me...just another scared, unhappy junkie looking for another hit.

Things hurt until they don't hurt anymore.

You walk through it.

And with every step you gain strength for the next time.
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/25/12 03:13 PM
bug-

im sorry im so dense. i know what i want. i keep going back and forth and it is doin me no good. i need to quit. my W is scared of this too. i am not mind reading. i can tell by some of her reactions. most of the time she acts tough. there are times where she does let it show. i dont think she knows for sure what she wants. right now it isnt me. i have accepted that. it hasnt made the hurt go away.

maybe its closurei am looking for. i dont know. i dont want it to end. i dont want it like this either. i need to have more faith. i really dont believe it has gotten physical between them. yet. it might. it might not. i dont think that would change my desire to be with her. i want my wife. i always have. i always will. even if we D, i will still want her. i guess i am a penguin.

i want to lash out. i said it and TG said. i am like a wounded animal. i have serious codependency issues. i have detached to a certain degree. i am not calling her. i am not worrying about what she is doing all the time. after my meeting i txt her.. "you were right" she said "about" i said " alot of stuff". no response and i left it at that. not very good at being dark. alot of stuff came up, and i just wanted to let her know i see it. if she wants to know what i see, she can ask. or i can show her. thats what i am tryin to do.

this whole jail thing is messin me up. i was supposed to go on thursday. they are to full and i have to call on wednesday. it threw my whole plan off. now i am spinning in the wind again. i need a course of action. when my plans fall apart, so do i.
Posted By: Brit45 Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/25/12 03:41 PM
I think it's acceptance. You haven't accepted the sitch that is happening right now you're trying to influence it. That's why you text her, want her to know your changes, want to confront OM, want to talk to OM's W...all of that is no accepting. Accepting it.
she is in a R with someone else this is something you can't change.

I accepted that right now H isn't mine. He's decided to be with someone else. My opinions on this DON'T change it so why dwell it. (you know the whole wisdom to see the difference?) I accept that we weren't the best partners to each other that I had issues and faults this is something I can change. I have accepted the possibility that may never want to change. He may never leave her. He may leave her and still not change. He may leave her and still not want to be with me! I have accepted that this is the sitch right now. My reactions are hurting me and I had to identify why I kept wanting to stay in those feelings rather than do the work to feel better. My reasons may be different to your reasons. But one of my reasons is I thought if I let go and not try to control/influence the sitch then it wouldn't go my way. That's not true. In fact there's a better chance of it not going my way if I don't accept and detach.

I think you can do this. A lot of us do that's why we post!
Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/25/12 04:16 PM
Quote:

i cannot share my W with another man. it isnt in me.


Is that what you think we are suggesting?

hrnm.

You aren't under the impression that, I have some time share thing going on with my wife currently are you? ; )

If so..Jack is getting some money!

The reality Dakota?

She isn't sharing with you. So...the word doesn't work.

Get up.
Posted By: needgrace Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/25/12 04:29 PM
Hi Dakota,

I am sorry you are in so much pain. When I first got on this board, I could not understand how in the world these nice people got to acceptance and detachment. I thought they were different from me, healthier, more together and that I would never ever get there.

But slowly and surely, despite my fears, I am detaching more and more. It is possible. For you, too. IMO, you have taken big steps so far.

You said that you are codependent. I just read Pia Mellody's book on Love Addiction and started to understand the way out.

I also decided that I am in this place in my life to learn and grow and that I was going to use it. I am sure that it will be one of the defining moments in my life. My guess is that it will be the same for you.

((( )))
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/25/12 05:38 PM
brit-
thank you. your words help me to think and look at things different. i guess i havent accepted all of whats happening. i am like you. i want to influence things to go my way. letting go is so hard. i can do it. what do i have to lose. i have already lost it all. if im not careful i will lose what little bit of myself i still have left.

Jack-
lol. you crack me up. i like your way of looking at things. and no i dont think anyone is suggesting i share. that is my own mind messing with me. i will get up. i have to.

needgrace-
this is a dfining moment. like they say, i can do something to define the moment or let the moment define me. so many times in my life, i have been defined. not this time. thank you for the hug. i needed it. i havent gotten one in a very long time. it made me tear up. and that isnt like me. well, didnt use to be like me.
Posted By: Brit45 Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/25/12 06:03 PM
Grace's posts always make me cry! She's the best!

When you say what else do I have to lose I've already lost her! That's right! It's done! You're holding on for no reason but to hurt yourself. Accept she's gone. Accept that! And yes nurture yourself!
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/25/12 06:08 PM
HB..."Misery is Optional", remember? Choose happiness...it's SO much nicer.
Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/25/12 06:22 PM
Something to think about.

One day you say to...whomever: I'm going to stand, no matter what I'm going to see this through.

The next day you say to...whomever: I'm done! I am so over this, I deserve to be happy.

Now, we think our spouses are the crazy ones...but who looks or is acting crazy of the two?


We all did it, we all do it...

And in so saying...

Consistency of words and deeds are your friends, they are needed to make you look solid...even if you feel like you are full of holes.

Does that make sense?

When dealing with them the spouse...be consistent.
Posted By: needgrace Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/25/12 06:36 PM
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans

Consistency of words and deeds are your friends, they are needed to make you look solid...even if you feel like you are full of holes.

Does that make sense?

When dealing with them the spouse...be consistent.


Love this. J3B your quote just made my mirror smile Thank you.

(I am putting positive and inspiring quotes on my mirrors and around my room.)
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/25/12 07:18 PM
jack-

i see myself doing that. i am not proud of it. i am letting myself go back and forth. brit said it..i need to accept it. move on with the changes i need to make.

I AM going to stand for my marriage, NO MATTER WHAT!

i need to stop 2nd guessing myself. it isnt doing any good. people can give me answer after answer on whether i should stay or go. it comes down to me. i am full of holes. if i act consistent the holes will fill up. thats what i get out of what you said.

you never tell me to do something. you point stuff out and leave me to make up my mind. i like that. deep down i do know what i want. i am confused on how to make it happen. that problem lies in me.

i need to face the facts. i have not been a good husband. i neglected my wife. i was not there for her. i didnt respect her. i took advantage of her. i treated her like property. i took her for granted. i made her feel bad in an attempt to hide the fact that i felt bad about me. i would have left me too.

i forgive her. i dont forgive myself. i never should have treated her this way. i didnt do it intentionlly and that makes it worse. i promised to love and cherish her and i didnt. i am going to make it up to her somehow someway. i AM going to STAND for my marriage. i AM going to STAND for her. karma is a b!tch.
Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/25/12 07:55 PM
Dakota, I had a lot of little little crutches to help me through. Songs...words, books.

And no...not the crappy sappy "why oh why did you leave me?" songs...sung by...sissy emos.

One poem I took to heart.

Invictus
by Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Dakota,
and as for a song? Mudvayne's "Not Falling" Still gives me the chills.

In no way shape or form was I giving up on anyone's terms but my own. There was nothing anyone could throw at me, that wouldn't have me scrambling back to my feet, spitting blood maybe, but still on my feet, on my terms as long as I gave it my all, as long as I did my best, for me.

No one could take that away from me, that was my success my victory, it's not that I am still married, its that I never let anyone else dictate how long I stood.

Understand?

I also do tell you to do some things...like be consistant, be a good dad, be a good friend...but exactly what to do situationally?

I do try to avoid that. It's your life, and your shoes. I got enough stuff to do in mine, I don' t need to live yours or in yours. : )
Posted By: heartbrokeinsd Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/25/12 08:09 PM
jack-

sissy emos? lmao.. i hate that music. not falling is a great tune! i really like that poem. i am going to keep that one. i have always been getting up from being knocked down. usually spitting blood. this will be no different. i am not giving up. i used to have a picture of a bird eaing a frog. the frog is choking the bird. it said never give up! i used to live by that. i will again.

when my heart hurts i start second guessing as to why i do things. i know its because i love her. i always will. family is my everything. i will not give up on that. you cant be a hero if you quit when stuff gets rough. if the spartans gave up, they would never have been remembered. i want to be remembered as a man who stood up for my beliefs, for my family. no matter what. if my W leaves me fine. she will always remember that when it got tough, i didnt run.

i am sad. i will be for a long time. i am going to start taking tsome happiness out of the fact that i am being me. who i am. i have my flaws and i am removing them. at the core, i will still be me. i am a man who loves his family. i will do anything for them. i am strong. stronger than i think alot of the time. i am loving. i am a good friend. and dammit, im good in bed too! lmao..i will be happy.

thank you for the encouragement. i need it.
Posted By: sweetbabyred Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/25/12 08:41 PM
I haven't heard Mudvayne in a long time, but I just downloaded Not Falling so I'll have it for the gym tomorrow. Maybe that'll keep me on the treadmill just a little while longer.
Posted By: Truegritter Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/27/12 05:44 AM
Originally Posted By: Dakota
i want so badly to apologize to her. i want to tell her i get it. i cant. she will not let me. if i try, i am pursuing. pushing her away. she does not want to talk to me or be around me.


There is a saying we have around here

You can't talk yourself out of something you acted your way into.

Actions.

Your decisions and your actions to back them up.

What Jack said. This is all you man. YOU decide.

The moment you let someone make your choices for you is the moment you accept being a victim.

When you do that you've lost your self.

So what's it going to be?

You'll get bloody along the way, one way or the other, but the difference is you choose your battles rather than being tied to the whipping post.

What's it going to be?
Posted By: Brit45 Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/27/12 08:29 AM
Quote:
You can't talk yourself out of something you acted your way into.

Actions.

Your decisions and your actions to back them up.


This is soo sooo good. I feel like it should be added to Cadet's opening speech about space and patience.

There is so many times you want to text or call to apologize especially after you've had a realization but you're right you can't talk yourself into something you acted your way into. Especially if you've been "acting" that way for years.

I know Dakota has a new thread but I REALLY liked this so I had to post
Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/28/12 04:15 AM
"You can't talk your way out of something you acted your way into"

Got to give credit to Mach1 for that one. It's one of my favorites too.
Posted By: Truegritter Re: "Misery is Optional" - 05/28/12 04:23 AM
Originally Posted By: JTB
Got to give credit to Mach1 for that one. It's one of my favorites too.


Do we have to?

he just said it to me he didn't tell me it was original.
I owe him a nickel?

I owe him more than that...

Surely.
© DivorceBusting.com