Hello, this is something very new for me. I’m not one who talks to people about my problems. But, I have realized that I can’t do this alone. I’m a father of two boys; one is 3 the other 5. I have been with my wife for 13 years; we will be married for 7 years in June. I worked multiple jobs, one at a hospital, fire department, and also going to college. Back in November I told my wife that I needed to go see someone because I was having a hard time dealing with a fatal fire I had and that I didn’t think I was living my life to the best. She at the same time said that she was not happy and had been trying to figure out how to make it as a single mom. That took me by surprise. At the same time I was wondering if she was getting to close to a friend of ours that she was working with and that we had over to visit a lot. She said it was just someone she could talk to. So, the next month or so I tried to be more of a father and loving husband. I thought things where getting better but on December 27th, she told me that the M was to far gone and that it could not be fixed. We started counseling in January, but Monday she said she wanted a D. It has been a rollercoaster the whole time. I have read many books and so has she. I wish I would have come here sooner. I think I have just pushed her father away by doing all the things that the book says not to do. We also found out about three or four weeks ago she has been talking to are so called friend 10 to 15 times a day and hours at time. She has shut her whole family out, except her brother and his new wife, who likes drama. She has been living with them since February. The sister-in-law told me if that was her, she would have filed for divorce already, don’t think she is helping things. I once told my W that everything I try blows up in my face, she said that this whole thing has blown up in her face since the start. We think she thought that the family was going to be on her side and support her, but that’s not the case. Yesterday I decide that I was going to GAL, I still want the M to work. I love her more than ever. But, nothing is working. Time for some space and tough love. I texted her yesterday and said “I respect you very much. You know how I feel about you and this. If you truly think that a D is the best thing, then I will not fight you. I want to have a great friendship for us and the boys. I hope and pray that we can still work this out.
Yesterday I decide that I was going to GAL,
I still want the M to work.
I love her more than ever.
But, nothing is working.
Time for some space and tough love. I texted her yesterday and said “I respect you very much.
You know how I feel about you and this.
If you truly think that a D is the best thing, then I will not fight you.
Welcome to the board.
You have given yourself good advice above, start to put it into place, and get off of the rollercoaster.
You will need to learn how to give her space,
she wants a divorce and you both need to learn what that means.
Start right now, do not wait until after the divorce.
DETACH.
Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
shockeddad, Welcome to the board. I think you'll find it's one of the best places to be for one of the worst situations to be in. I am sorry to hear about your situation.
Good for you for seeking help with your issues with you not feeling like you were living your best life.
I've certainly heard a lot of the same things from my W you've heard.
Now is the time to really focus on yourself. Be there for your boys. Become the best father and man you can become. You can't control what your W is doing.
Cut any pursuing, ILYs, etc. It's just going to remind your W of the feelings she doesn't have right now.
Post with short posts and post often. We're here to help. You will be on moderation for awhile so your posts won't show up right away.
One thing on my mind. She has not had her ring on for about 5 to 6 months. Should I still keep mine on or take it off. How might this affect her?
How do I detach her when we are at my sons t-ball games. I don't want to come across as I don't care or mean. We are also possibly going to be with each other at the family cabins this upcoming holiday weekend. What to do or act?
In Jan 11, get back from cruise, she wants to tell me how much of a jerk and a## I have been and if no change, she wants out. But, doesn't tell me because she don't want to hurt my feelings. In July 11, wants to have another baby, I'm not ready yet. Never tells me that anything was bugging her. This whole thing just does not make sense. Thought everthing was great, even getting better over the year, I'm so lost.
"One thing on my mind. She has not had her ring on for about 5 to 6 months. Should I still keep mine on or take it off. How might this affect her?"
Don't worry about the ring thing, she's playing being single. You have much bigger problems that worry over wearing your rings or how that might affect her.
"In Jan 11, get back from cruise, she wants to tell me how much of a jerk and a## I have been and if no change, she wants out. But, doesn't tell me because she don't want to hurt my feelings. In July 11, wants to have another baby,"
She was totally contradicting in her desires in a short period of time without cause. So either she was having a PA and thought she could be pregnant, or she's very screwed up thinking a baby could help the M. Which, btw, couldn't be further from the truth! Never have a baby thinking it will draw the two of you closer.
This OM that your W has as a "friend" is probably who she is having an EA with, if not a PA. Don't buy into that cr@p that she has him over just to talk. Don't let that man come into your home b/c he's no friend, trust me.
Your M can be saved, but you've got to do what people tell you works...and not what you feel you want to do.
Start with no sharing a cabin during the holidays. Do not contact her unless extremely important about kids. Leave her alone and pull as far back as you can. Don't act like a total jerk but show no interest in her at all. Fill your life with other people and good friends (not her shared friends or family) but just your friends. Be around people who have a positive affect on you. Don't talk to family about her or the MR b/c you will not get unbiased advice.
Can you do it?
Re: the ring. I don't think it matters. I wear mine out of principle that I am not giving up even when things look down.
Listen to the advice on here: detach detach detach! It took me 3 months to get the point where I grew more comfortable with doing that. I wish I did it sooner.
Re: the ring. I don't think it matters. I wear mine out of principle that I am not giving up even when things look down.
Listen to the advice on here: detach detach detach! It took me 3 months to get the point where I grew more comfortable with doing that. I wish I did it sooner.
Yep. I initially took off my ring (because I thought it would make H think that's not what he really wanted but it didn't work). My DB coach recommended I put it back on. I'll take it off, if ever, when I'm good and ready to. I'm not there yet
Stop talking about your M with your W especially until you have read DB/DR. That's for you - don't share it with her. Read it over lunch at work if you have to.
"Yep. I initially took off my ring (because I thought it would make H think that's not what he really wanted but it didn't work)."
That's how it usually is whenever a LBS is doing it to see if it affects the WAS.
Thanks Sandi2, LIO, and Verab754. After reading a lot of the post, I relize all the wrong things I have done. I hope I still have time to try this with her. I will keep my ring on and I can do this and pull away. I know it's going to be tough, but if I want a chance I have to. I do believe tha the W may or is having an EA with OM, but I trust that it has not been PA. They are never together, but on the phone. I still trust her. She admits to talking but swears that's it.
I've tried taking my ring off for a day & I wasn't ready, so I put it straight back on the next day. I think it's more of a powerful for the LBS to keep wearing their ring than to stop wearing it. It shows that you are still commited to the R and is a constant reminder to the WAS that you are married to them, every time they notice it (which we can only speculate on the frequency of that chestnut).
I think it's just good old fashioned reverse psychology, the WAS wants to forget they are M and wants the LBS to notice they aren't wearing the ring; whereas the LBS wants to remind the WAS that they are M and wants the WAS to notice they are wearing the ring.
Bill
Just so I got things clear. You went out with your W since she was 16 and you were 18 years old?
What did she tell you specifically was wrong with your M? or about you?
It could very well be that she feels like she hasn't had a chance to explore dating others or just doesn't know any better.
One thing on my mind. She has not had her ring on for about 5 to 6 months. Should I still keep mine on or take it off. How might this affect her?
Do NOTHING to get her to react a certain way or to see how it affects HER.
TAKE NO ACTION TO GET A REACTION...this is about YOU working on YOU,
only.
She has to believe that marriage to you, from this day forward
can be better/different than before...
or she won't reconcile..So you have to demonstrate that improvement, by changing YOU.
NOT CHANGING HER...
YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER HER -AT ALL- SO DROP THAT EFFORT NOW...it's a waste of time and
makes you miss the opportunity of a life time now, which is for you to
become a man only a fool would leave.So, how would marriage to you be different?
What are YOU working on in yourself to make that improvment a reality?
In Jan 11, get back from cruise, she wants to tell me how much of a jerk and a## I have been and if no change, she wants out. But, doesn't tell me because she don't want to hurt my feelings. In July 11, wants to have another baby, I'm not ready yet. Never tells me that anything was bugging her. This whole thing just does not make sense. Thought everthing was great, even getting better over the year, I'm so lost.
So you are saying you thought "everything was great"? Really? "Everything"?
She "wants to tell" you but ...did she say you have a temper or she feared your reaction if she hurt your feelings? B/C some of this does not make sense from YOU...
B/c in your first post, YOU said YOU wanted to get counselling b/c of a fatal fire...so YOU cannot have been feeling all that well.
Don't revise the marriage now, to justify not changing. She is revising it so she can justify leaving and she's going to say how Unhappy she has been...but don't do the same thing in the reverse...
to make it all about how crazy/shocking or nutty her choices to leave are,
b/c while you may believe that makes you look better,
it just makes
you powerless. After all, if you really were a great & perfect h and father
and she still wanted out, then what options do you have now? You'd always face the same thing....But no one is perfect...
and that's good.
OR
Do you want to be powerless?
Or do you want to know that you have control over something in your life?
B/C you do. You can change YOU and YOUR LIFE...
SO instead of telling us how wacky SHE Is, or how great the marriage was,
tell us what you think you could be working on to become a better man and h.
And in the meantime
know that no woman is unmoved by the loving interaction of her children with their dad. For many of us it's an emotional turn on.
So be the best dad you can be, for them, for you and for the long term r you'll have with your w - no matter what else happens.
Yes MrBond that would be right. I put my work before the family, I didn't get along with some of her family all the time. I wanted sex to much. Just wasn't there for her. I think it makes her mad that her whole family is behind me. She does come from parents who are both on their third M. Her brother is D and just re M. She is living with him and his new wife said if she was my W, she would have filed already. She comes from a broken family. The W says the kids will be okay, she thinks we could have a good friendship if we get a D, because her mom and dad do.
Pulling back will not feel natural to you, so expect that....ok? What you "feel" like doing is to pursue her. That's the way men are wired. When you are afraid of losing her, then your natural instincts scream out to grab hold of her. However, it doesn't work when she's a WAW who has lost her attraction for her H and has her attention on the OM.
She's different now. She's not an inexperienced teenager any longer. She's looking for something in this OM that she didn't get in her R with you. I know you want to trust her. That's only natural, too. I suggest you don't ask her questions about OM, her behavior, intentions, past actions, or anything other than what directly concerns the kids. Tough stuff!
Healing from an affair, even an emotional A, is very difficult b/c for the woman, her heart is involved. For men, they have a harder time dealing with a physical A. Either way, it is a rough road and it takes a long time to work through it. She's had a taste of the infidelity drug now, and let me tell you....it is a very addictive feeling.
I'm telling you this so you have an idea of what to expect. Don't throw in the towel, but learn by reading information on line about infidelity and how if affects the wayward spouse and the LBS.
The last two days have been a roller coaster, I'm trying to detach myself, it's so hard and feels so wrong. I didn't say very much to at our sons t-ball game, just things about the kids. At first I just sat, I could see In the corner of my I, her kep looking at me. Then we ended up going out to eat with her mom, I did choose to ride in a separate car. She dropped the kids off this morning, don't think I said ten words, she did say see you Tuesday. She told her mom she was not going to family cabins next weekend. Did have to just call her about a couple bills, but made it short. Having a hard time stopping myself from picture her with another man, let alone having sex. Which I believe 100% has not happen. Makes me sick and hurts.
every one who fears a PA has that same sick feeling. Every one of us.
You have to dig deep and learn some ways of coping with it and even some gimmicks, for the short run just to get you thru this hard horrible time.
Many of us pictured a "Stop Sign" in our minds when the ugly unproductive thoughts creeped in. See the STOP SIGN and STOP THAT TRAIN OF THOUGHT...
DERAIL IT AND REDIRECT IT....go get busy and if you can, do something that takes your MIND off it AND busies and tires your body. Exercise, going to theater (being IN theater) and whatever else can occupy your mind are all good ideas.
Do what you have to do to get past this initial reeling phase.
If you know for an undeniable fact that there's no way you - YOU - could get past this or forgive her for whatever may have happened...
then don't bother dragging it out. Leave now and be done.
But most of us,
NOT ALL but most, find we can forgive more than we believed, if we want to. And if we learn how...we cannot hold an affair (of any sort) over a WAS head if there is to be a recon
and they cannot fear we will...
I know I forgave more than I thought I should or could.
I had to LEARN how to forgive b/c I never saw it growing up.
It's a learned skill and it's
NOT just about wanting the marriage to work out or to forgive the spouse (even if you don't think they "deserve" it).
It is truly really, I SWEAR--
about freeing yourself of the consuming pain that jealousy and betrayal can create in US, not them.Holding onto that pain, b/c you don't think they deserve you letting go of it, only and truly hurts YOU.
Realize this^^^^....
"Staying angry at someone to punish them, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes."When I realized how much my pain and anger were consuming ME, (not my h or anyone else)
just ME (OH AND my kids - b/c I wasn't fully present for them cuz my anger/pain so pre-occupied ME....
so they were losing 2 parents at once)
that realization helped me to learn to LET IT GO...
whatever you have no control over, isn't yours so let it go....remember that.
And taking control over what really belongs to you (which is just you)
simplifies your life and future, and when seen in the proper light;
is empowering. So take back your life and let the anger go...one day at a time.
My miracle-We went on a 4 day trip w/h and our kids about 9 weeks before "Sep day" b/c he had a conference in Palm Springs. I did NOT want to go and felt h did not deserve that "pretense" that all was fine or well or that I was okay w/his plans to leave...
but my DB coach said it'd be good for the girls to go and have some good memories of family time.
Plus it'd give h something happy and fun- TO MISS...
(b/c no one misses the pain and anger and guilt & fighting)since it was only 4 days I felt I could probably do it.
Decided No matter what triggers or buttons were pushed, I would not be nasty.
I told myself I'd be frickin' Mother Teresa FOR FOUR DAYS...if that is what it took to not say one single negative....
B/C it was only for 4 days, I'm embarrassed to admit, I told myself "it's okay b/c you can be mad again next week!
"
and that actually got me motivated to make it for those four days.(Hey I'm not proud of that,^^ but it's true...)
So NO criticism from me, regardless of snarky comments by h, or my perception of that or any irritabity from him, I, 25, would NOT be the one to break the internal truce I had made w/life...
no negatives were going to come from ME...for those 4 days.
Funny thing happened.
After only a day in the car, maybe 2, I began to see h in a better light b/c I forced myself to interpret things positively instead of negatively.
E.G., When h began teaching our d's something about botany, I didn't roll my eyes and think "h is such a nerd, AND monopolizing the conversation"...
instead I actually felt a little pride in the intelligence and education of the mate I'd chosen. (Who knew??)
And I worked on what I MYSELF could do to improve the moment or day...THEN H began to feel happier and more relaxed and he got a lot less critical too....
we had a really fun four days.
I think to this day it was really a lesson I/we needed....which is that
we glimpsed what forgiveness would look like.So, from this day forward....you can do this. Focus on YOU...& the positives...
I hope this detachment is not coming across as a jerk. When we talk or seen each other, I have made her start the talking. Acting like she is not really there. Just saying up or okay. It's been hard not to say I love you or have a good night or week. Or can I say a few things like that? Seen that she picked up a book, divorce in Michigan. I think she really wants this, hope I still have time to try and change things.
I've tried taking my ring off for a day & I wasn't ready, so I put it straight back on the next day. I think it's more of a powerful for the LBS to keep wearing their ring than to stop wearing it. It shows that you are still commited to the R and is a constant reminder to the WAS that you are married to them, every time they notice it (which we can only speculate on the frequency of that chestnut).
I think it's just good old fashioned reverse psychology, the WAS wants to forget they are M and wants the LBS to notice they aren't wearing the ring; whereas the LBS wants to remind the WAS that they are M and wants the WAS to notice they are wearing the ring.
Bill
sorry but i think this just smacks of more manipulating and trying to get a reaction out of them.
If it were ONLY about you feeling your commitment and making a statement to YOURSELF that's one thing.
but clearly your main goal is getting a reaction FROM Her or guilting her and there is a ton of speculative mind reading about her so, I think it's a waste of energy.
If the other WAS spouse wants to act as if THEY are not married, I see nothing wrong with the LBSer removing their ring to show their acceptance of it
(b/c continuing to wear the ring is resistance, and one could argue that the more you resist, the more they persist---)
and the more you challenge their choices
the more you force them to defend them.
If you choose to wear your ring out of respect for the vows YOU made - so be it. I get that.
But imo, you are attaching expectations AND judgement to your choice (contrasting it w/hers) and trying to guilt her or get a reaction from her.
From what I"ve seen, that will backfire
if it has any result at all.
I took my rings off in the beginning because I was not going to be the one in our marriage who pathetically held on (pride). I even started wearing a pinky ring on that hand so people would not think I might be married and just didn't like wearing rings. I also liked it when I saw H noticing it. Finally, I decided I WANTED to wear my rings, not for anyone else, but for me. I love them as a piece of jewelry. They are the prettiest I've ever had and I love looking at them. They also let men know I'm not available ( not that anyone cares but you never know) for now. If H and I divorce, I'll probably get them sized for my right hand.
Or I may keep them on my left? Right now, they are just rings.
This is really get hard and getting me down. It does not feel right to just stop trying to save the one I love. Had a counseling by myself yesterday, it was okay. She said the same thing about giving time and space to the W. Seen the W at my son t-ball game. We didn't saying anything at first, then just a little question here and there. She did say by when she left. I'm so scared that I have lost here forever. She is the last person in the world I thought would leave. Trying to gal, but it's so hard. I'm so lost.
If I'm detaching, how do I act when she picks the kids up or I'm around her at a game or family event. Do I say hi or how are you doing. If someone might be able to give me an idea before she picks the kids up at 3, that would help. Right now I have been quiet, which I think she thinks I'm mad because she said last week she thinks a D would be best. Help!!!
Treat her as you would a stranger. Yes say hi but look happy and confident. If she starts to talk just listen.
If I'm detaching, how do I act when she picks the kids up or I'm around her at a game or family event. Do I say hi or how are you doing. If someone might be able to give me an idea before she picks the kids up at 3, that would help. Right now I have been quiet, which I think she thinks I'm mad because she said last week she thinks a D would be best. Help!!!
Be upbeat and positive. Believe me, it takes practice. Keep practicing this until it sinks in. Maybe your positives could be related to the kids? If she thinks you're angry, it will help justify the D decision. IOW, she would not want to return to an angry person anyway.
I have to chime in on the ring thing.
My H has never worn his wedding ring...outside of maybe the first six months of our marriage. He always said it was due to his work (he's in construction) that there is a risk that a tool could get caught on the ring and he'd end up losing his finger. I did notice that plenty of other guys in his line of work, even co-workers who were married wore *their* rings.
Anyway, its only been two weeks since he's left. I too, have been contemplating whether or not to take my ring off...mostly because in these two weeks, he's repeatedly said he wants to divorce. I feel like by wearing my ring, its showing my commitment to wanting to try to work things out. But then I struggle with what a previous poster said about not wanting to look desperate...like I'm holding on to something that I shouldn't be. It's a murky situation at best.
I say, wear the ring if it *feels* right to do so...in your heart. Like someone already posted, if you take it off, it should not be because you are wanting to see the reaction it creates for your spouse. I was totally thinking about what "message" it would send my H if I took it off and then finally I concluded that right now, I'm not ready to take it off so it stays on. Its not about what he would think, but about what feels right for me right now.
Some excellent advice in this thread about doing the work to be a better person...using this time to really focus on yourself, OP. Its not about controlling the situation, having the upper hand, getting the WAS to react. Its about looking at ourselves and what we need to do in order to grow from this. I've learned a lot reading through the feedback here myself.
Stay strong...as hard and confusing as this all is, you can only be responsible for what you do and say right now. It makes sense then, to do productive and healthy things.
Rough afternoon today. Was good till the wife came and picked up the boys. I was nice said high, kept a smile on my face the whole time. She asked me if I wanted help filling dhs papers out. I said for what, she said food stamps, that we were not going to share anymore. I think in her mind she is going to go threw with a D. Nothing filed that I know of. She did have a counseling session today. Would have loved to be a bug on the wall. She told her mom it went well, but she has said they all went well. I'm torn between leaving all the pictures up in the house or not, plus the thought about the credit card and bank accounts. What to do. If I didn't shave my head I would pull my hair out.
I don't get it. Was the food stamps comment a dig?
No it was not a dig. We are on food stamp, we have been splitting them because we each have the boys 50/50. She is making us have our own and not sharing together.
Well then why haven't you demanded for them to be split? You have the kids 50/50 then the resources need to be split in half as well. Why does she feel like she's entitled to all of it?
We have been splitting, but now she wants separate food cards.
And what would that involve?
Us just filling our own paper work. Just something that scares me because it something that indicates she is serious about a D. I think it's just the start of her splitting things up and moving on.
Then I would suggest you get the jump on her by doing this first. Just do it. Split up the food stamps and come up with the visitation schedule and tell her that she needs to adhere to it. Show that you are ready to move on and she'll get second thoughts.
I closed some bank accounts and took some money out so she don't take it. Took her name of the credit card and ordered new card. Told her she needed to give me money for the renewal of a membership and money for my half of the food stamps that she spent. Didn't ell her about the credit card or bank accounts, she didn't sound happy when I asked for the money. She needs a dose of what it's going to be like if she goes and files for a D. She also called me because our son split his head open and she wasn't sure if she should take him in or not. I told her to take him to the fire department I use to work at and see what they think. They didn't think he needed any. Am I come across as mean. Doing this is hard to believe this might change her mind.
Do I leave our pictures up thru the house or take them down. What would she think if she walked in and seen them gone. I'm starting to think taht closing bank accounts and taking her off the credit card is going to make her mad and push her away even more. Am I wrong for doing that? I just want to protect me and the boys, and have money to pay the bills. When I see her, she acts like nothing is wrong. JUST DON"T UNDERSTAND.
shocked,
I'm sorry for how bad you feel and how frightened you are. But I MUST ASK YOU...
have you read the Divorce Remedy Book or the Divorce Busting book? YOU HAVE TO READ IT
or you will keep spinning your wheels wondering what sentence or phrase to say or expression to have on your face.
No ONE comment or incident will end your marriage (other than violence or adultery)
and I still have got NO IDEA why your w wants out.
You need to open up so we can help you more. What is HER complaint?
And what are YOU DOING TO SHOW HER CHANGE?
and what's up with food stamps? Are you working? You may not want to hear this but
women feel safer & more secure with men who can provide a roof over their head and put food on the table. Are you looking for work? How long have the food stamps been going on?
Is money a problem in the marriage?
Again, please, take the time to read the book (Divorce Remedy is slightly better but do NOT give your w the book to read.
It's just for YOU.
Work on YOU, and not what SHE is thinking/doing/saying....
1. I did read divorce busting about two or three months ago, but to be honest. I was so scared and lost that I didn't do anything it said. which now I wish it would of open my eyes at that time. Right now I'm readinf DR.
2.Her complaints. She has a real hard time saying what is bothering her. During MC, she would say she don't know why she feels this way. She has said a couple things like, she feels we have grown apart, I don't get along with family members at times, I put work first, and sex. I have a high drive and she don't, shes not much into and said she really only did it because she thought thats what a wife is supose to do.
3.I have become a better father since this has happen and she even says she sees that. I have started building bridges with family and friends that I have burned, she likes that. I have let the Lord into my life and just trying to be more friendly to people and wanting to try new things.
4.We both worked till we had our first son, then she wanted to be a stay at home mom. So I was working fulltime at a hospital, part-yime at a fire department, for the state in the DNR, and at her mom's bar. I also went back to college to work on a degree. I had to work alot to keep up with the bills. Which including leaving family events at times to go to emergency calls to get hours in. After our second son turned 2, she started working at her mom's bar and I would stay home with the kids. Since this has happen, I have given up the fire department, which has been all my life and loved it. I did it to be with my kids more and show her I love her more, didn't seem to work.
5. Even with all the work and school, we still quilfied for assistance. Thats were the food stamps came in.
We both have had a problem of when things were bothering us, we just botteled it up. We never had fights. The only time we had talks, was mostly about sex. We would come up with a plan that we both liked, would be good for alittle while, than we would seem to go back to the same. She said she didn't bring other stuff up, because she said she thought it would be just like the sex talks. Be okay, then back to the same. Things have been different since she started working at the bar, I don't think it's helping. I think she has gotten to close to a so called friend. She swears she just talks to him because he is the only one she can talk to right now. I would bet the farm that nothing has happen P. 1. she really don't like sex and 2 he is 400 pounds, smokes, and smells.
Our MC did have us both read DB, we both have read others books. I think she has her blinders and mind set that she has not taken anything she read to heart. She does not know I'm reading DR. I told her a few weeks ago that everything I have tried has blown up in my face. She said this whole thing has blown up in her face. I don't think things are going how she planned. Her family is behind me, I think she thought I would be okay with it, and I would put up a fight to keep her.
Is it wrong for your mind to wonder about if she does leave, about whoyou might be interested in? I would give anything for my wife to come back, feels bad to think about what if.
Yeah it sounds like she is having a PA...but there isn't anything you can do about that except GAL and stop pursuing her. Read the chapter in DR about infidelity it was helpful for me (my wife had a PA, perhaps several).
I took down the pictures of me and my W throughout the house and I took off the wedding ring. But that was more of my way to just let go and start over (you need to do what is best for you...don't worry what your W might think or anybody else). I guess that is the point of separation to reflect about what went wrong, give her space, and GAL. GALing will save you, if not your marriage.
Did I backstep by taking her off the credit card and taking money out of the bank?
Well it sounds like you did it to punish her whereas in the case of the food stamps, your W talked to you about it first before doing anything.
She has not used the credit card in months, she has not done anything with the bank accounts in months also. I was just afraid that since she spent all the food stamps without asking me that she might take money without asking or start charging things. Just don't want to get screwed. Need the money for bills.
She really didn't ask to talk about it, she said this is what we are doing and this going to be how it is.
Then whatever move you make you tell her how it's going to be. You be the assertive one.
Think I did the right thing. I called W to tell her that I closed the credit card. I said I was just giving you a courtsy call to let you know I closed the card. Didn't want you to get in a bind using it or try to use it. She said it was okay since she hadn't used it in a while. Asked how the kids were, she said good. Told her have a nice day, she said you too. Then bye, she said bye to. Did it all in a nice voice and think it was the right thing to do.
My Goals:
1. Work on giving her space and time. Detach
2. Only talk to her about the kids and let her start any conversation.
3. In happy mood, tell her Hi and Bye when I see her, even say have a good week, day, night, what ever.
4. Wash the haouse and work on the yard to stay busy.
5. See if the church has support group and try to get more envalved with my church.
6. Call friends to do more things.
7. Be the best dad I can and make my kids happy and want to see me.
8. Make new friends
9. Relaxe more. maybe yoga.
10. Let her make all moves
11. Keep going to counseling by myself.
12. New hobbies
13. Spend more time with other family members
Well getting ready to go up north with my boys and family. W is not going. Maybe a good thing, gives us more space. I think things maybe starting to hit her. Her brother that she lives with told her since she wants to make this perment, then she needs to find a place to live. Guess she freaked out and cried. he told her she has till September. Think things are going to start not looking greener on the other side. I'm just giving her space and GAL. Days are getting better, but I have my moments. Miss her and want her back, but it has to be her choice. Just hope she don't wait to long and it be to late. Hard to set something free when you love it so much, but if ment to be, it will come back.
My Goals:
1. Work on giving her space and time. Detach
this^^ is great. Read up on detachment Shocked. I'll post a little piece on it later here. Take it in...2. Only talk to her about the kids and let her start any conversation.
yes...and be the first to end the conversations too. Politiely Get off the phone first, have to "go somewhere, things to do, places to see, people to meet", etc 
3. In happy mood, tell her Hi and Bye when I see her, even say have a good week, day, night, what ever.
4. Wash the haouse and work on the yard to stay busy.
5. See if the church has support group and try to get more envalved with my church.
6. Call friends to do more things.
Join something. Meet NEW people.
Join A club (a writer's club, or a bowling club, just something YOU like or were always interested in),
do some volunteer work w/a group, audition for a community theater project or play, take up a hobby or take a class for college
but meet NEW people who don't remind you of your situation and
maybe help your career AND OR your attitude (b/c we want you to have a "PMA" which is a Positive Mental Attitude)=GAL 7. Be the best dad I can and make my kids happy and want to see me.
how about just "Be the best dad I can" (and let the rest happen? No forced results or expectations of them or their reactions to you.
This will take more time than you think it should.)
8. Make new friends
^^YES!!!
9. Relaxe more. maybe yoga.
10. Let her make all moves
meaning she must take the initiative? Be ready to REACT appropriately too. and Check yourself on this one. A part of me finds your reactions very passive. Maybe too much so.
Still not clear on how you can be on food stamps if you are working 2+ jobs. You quit one, right? So, Is she not working at all and you are only working one?
How does SHE feel about money and what you earn? How do YOU feel about it?
11. Keep going to counseling by myself.
12. New hobbies
13. Spend more time with other family members
sounds like a great GAL PLAN...keep it up! You may want to give yourself some short term goals. Like "talk to w and be the first one to politely end the conversation, twice..."
OR, calmly discuss a conflict or touchy subject without losing my temper or insulting her.
The more comfortable she feels around you or the more you two can talk without it escalating, the easier it will be to build on it.
You definitely need conflict resolution skills...to show her that things can be better/different between you two.
And be patient. This is a marathon, not a sprint.
Make sense?
Well, up at her family cabins with the family, except the W. We are having fun, but do miss her. She did talk to her mom and ask how the kids where. She didn't say much when she dropped the kids off Friday. I did tell her to have a good weekend, she said you too. Also did say bye, I tried to be happy and chery the whole time. Times I wonder if all this effort is going to bring her back, but I'm a better person for myself and boys. I sure do love her and miss her.
did you accomplish any of your short term goals? TRY to note them and pat yourself on the back when you make them.
Do this for a 90 day increment and then, and not before, assess how it's going.
UNLESS it's clear that something you are doing is hurting your m, continue doing the new behaviors long enough so she trusts that you are making REAL change that she can trust.
Remember this simple truth:
she won't come back unless she believes marriage to you can be
better/different, than before.
YOU Must show her it can. By changing YOUR ways.
Make sense?
It makes complete sense. I think I have done good on some of my goals. I have not had any contact except for the kids. Been happy mood when I seen her. The last two times we swapped kids, I had to say bye first. I don't know what to think about that. I'm doing good at GAL. She has not filed for D yet. She is talking to a friend that is going threw the same thing, but her friend and husband still live in same house. Don't know if she is still talking to Male friend or not. Would rather her talk to friend going through samething.
Nice to hear all the good turns lately with everyone, pray that i can post good news in the future. At my sons t-ball game yesterday, the W was alittle different. I said hi first, but then went and played with our younger son till the game started. Really didn't say anything to her, but could see her keep looking at me and she said a few little things. Her dad was there and going to take the kids because she had to go to work. He said it was cold and maybe he should go home and I could drop the kids off, I said sorry, I have plans after the game. Think that shocked her. Played with our younger son more during the game, laughing and having fun. She left to go to work and gave my son a huge and kiss and started to walk away, I just kept playing. Then she turned around with a smile and said see you saturday. I said okay, have a nice week, she said you too.
shocked,
I noticed you posted on my thread yesterday. I am not caught up on your sitch, but you have some really great members who helped me on my journey posting on your thread.
LITB,
Thanks, Need all the help and support I can get.
sounds like you have been playing your cards right. she wants to see you? that is great! obviously something is working. i know it [censored] being where you are emotionally. i am there alot. when i have bad days i try to think of all the things i am grateful for. no matter how small. it was hard at first. now i am seeing that stuff isnt as bad as my mind makes out sometimes.
Thanks, I do the same thing. I hope this is working. Every day seems to get better. Still have my moments. I think the no pressure is letting her think and me gal is also making her think. Not for sure, time will tell. A full 2 weeks of no talk about our R or M.
Well, where to start. There are days that I think just move on and I'm okay with it. Then there are days that I break down. It's been a little over three weeks since I have started to detach, this week I found myself sitting and looking at pictures asking why.
I don't know how to read her at times. For example, when she dropped the boys off Saturday morning she didn't say hardly anything. I was the one to say good bye, I waited till the last second. Then later that day at my sons birthday party, she was talking more to me than she has in a long time and she started the talks. We talked about the kids a little yesterday when I dropped them off,but she was kinda quiet. She did ask me about ccamping with family in july, she asked if I was going to be out only on the days I have the kids, I said I was going all week. That I have been saving all my vaction time for family time. I think she took it as a shock. She said oh. Then didn't saying anything else. I asked if she wanted one of our counceling meeting in a couple of weeks and she said yes. We are going byselfs now. I told her to have a good week when I left and she said you to. I also said her name and not honey.
Our aniversery is the 18th, not sure what to do. Thought about just getting a card that said thinking about you and not regular card. Any thoughts?
Last night I did text her I found a shirt that we have been looking for my son. She said ok thanks i will get it from you friday. I said okay have a good night. Was that wrong?
Last night I did text her I found a shirt that we have been looking for my son. She said ok thanks i will get it from you friday. I said okay have a good night. Was that wrong?
stop pursuing her. Back off. GAL...read the Div Remedy or Div Busting book AGAIN and don't backslide.
Be LESS predictable. Upbeat and postive but NOT clingy or needy. NO unecessary contact.
This is not a sprint, it's a marathon. Give your changes and new approach a LOT longer before you monitor for results or expect any. Your timeline or expectaions for change IN HER
are too unrealistic.
Extend your time frame by a WHOLE LOT.
She'll need to see consistent change in you, over enough time, to believe the changes are real and that marriage to you can be better/different.
What are you changing about YOU?
Not just how you act around HER, but how you are, as a man?
What's different about you?
How are you becoming a man only a fool would leave?
Sorry, not trying to pursue, just trying to be kind. I have been consistent in my changes, which she has made a comment on. The big thing that I have changed is that I'm a better dad than I have ever been. I feel much closer to my boys than ever before and I can see that in them.
I'm talking to more friends and rebuilding bridges that I have burned in the past.
Making more time with other family members and being envolved with family events that I would have normally skipped on.
I have accepted god into my life and teaching my boys about god. Helping with activities at church.
I'm more of a relaxed person, don't get angry, mad, or swear anymore. Really didn't do much of that anyway.
Just moving on, not letting it get me down anymore. doing a lot around the house and yard, which is looking better than ever.
Been taking the boys to the beach and other places, doing stuff they like to do, just minus the W.
I'm not letting W stop me from going and doing things even if she is there. Not that she tells me not to, but I go to support my boys or other family members. For example, we do this big camping trip in july with about 100 other people, she said you going to be there on the days you have the kids? I replied I was going to be there all week. That I have been saving my vaction time for family time. That shocked her I think, because she didn't have anything to say after that.
that sounds good shocked.
May I suggest another type of GAL as well as the great things you are already doing?
JOIN Something or take a class. Be around NEW people who do not remind you of and who know nothing about your marital situation. GO
Learn something new that you always wanted to learn or that helps your job market skills or that is purely for FUN. A new hobby? A class in cooking/mechanics, a new language...
I did all of those things and auditioned for local theater and even did stand up comedy. I went sky diving for my birthday and those dramatic actions were for ME
but they do make an impression and a statement about our own enjoyment of life.
We show that hey, we are FUN to be around and we are interesting and interestED in others and learning new things. I got in great shape, talked to a counselor and for awhile was on anti-depressants.
I joined a writer's group, took flying lessons to get my pilot's license, and this is when we lived in the interior of Alaska.
There is more that I did b/c I could not surrender to the "winter of discontent" and be miserable there.
But you get the point. I worked HARD to just feel alright. But then I felt better than alright. I began to like myself more and to know myself better and I CHANGED FOR THE BETTER....
when I truly detached from the outcome of what choice my h made
I comforted myself with the knowledge that "Hey I have become the best woman I can become, and I know this, so I will leave the results up to God."
Either way I knew I'd do more than "survive", I'd thrive.
You will too.
There is more that I did b/c I could not surrender to the "winter of discontent" and be miserable there.
But you get the point. I worked HARD to just feel alright. But then I felt better than alright. I began to like myself more and to know myself better and I CHANGED FOR THE BETTER....
when I truly detached from the outcome of what choice my h made
I comforted myself with the knowledge that "Hey I have become the best woman I can become, and I know this, so I will leave the results up to God."
Either way I knew I'd do more than "survive", I'd thrive.
thanks 25 - i really really need to hear these words today. even 10 months into my sitch i am still having a hard time living them.
thank-you
zig
ps: shocked - don't be like me - take what 25 is giving you very seriously and do this exactly - it will make your life much easier
PS wish we could edit!!
I wanted to also say "Go somewhere new" b/c that is very stimulating, does not remind you of w, and it is fun sounding to others. Even though these acts are to make YOU feel better, and they do, they also tend to make the WAS wonder what the heck is so wrong with YOU that they left.
After all, if you are busy GAL and changing...they begin to second guess their choices. They have to.
See, the lie some LBSers tell themselves to justify their pursuit or refusal to detach and become independent healthier people, is that somehow being needy shows love. [b] WRONG...
[/b]
Frankly, If you are miserable without them, BECAUSE you are without them and not enough for yourself, then you are not bringing much to the table for THEM...
It will seem like "proof" to them that they made the right choice to leave b/c it's NOT attractive to be needy and sad. Who misses that type of behavior?
If her complaint about you was that you were neglectful/ inattentive, you can still detach but show changes by making full eye contact with her when she speaks, never interrupting (if shes not being rude) and LISTENING to her without trying to fix/solve her problem that second. Validate her perspective.
If she revises the marital history, and most WAWs do, then you can say one of 2 things.
If the "revision" is so outrageous you literally have no idea what she's talking about or you recall it very differently
you can say "Wow w, I don't recall that event that way at all, but I'm sorry you were so hurt."
IF the revision isn't far from the truth and you have regrets about a choice you made or comment you made, you can say''
"I understand why you feel that way and if I had it to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."
Neither response escalates, both replies show willingness to change ON YOUR END, and both show you are thinking about what she is saying. You are not deflecting OR defending yourself, which is great. No actual argument can be had with this approach. NOTE-I'm repeating this b/c it bears repeating. She won't come back if she believes that marriage to you isn't going to be better/DIFFERENT. So you have to show change every chance you get and those comments help SHOW CHANGE IN YOU.
You want contact without argument. NO defending yourself. Then eventually some relaxation around each other can happen, which you want. You want her to feel comfortable around you which means NO R TALK from you.
Then, you build on the ability to be around each other without tense R talks or weird awkwardness. That SLOWLY builds...
Let it build, "page by page". EVentually, a chapter is done -but don't keep expecting "the book to be done"
when you can only do a 'page' of relationship work, every week or two. This is a marathon, not a sprint.
There's a reason I keep saying that...
Remember**
If you seem upbeat and strong, (eventually it becomes reality) & that makes her wonder if maybe, just maybe, she has a problem in perspective...maybe she was wrong about you...
or maybe her info or "data" about you is old news and out of date, b/c maybe you really have changed...
So be the best dad you can be and
Be less predictable. If your w comments on your changes you can thank her for the compliment, but mention that you "wanted to make that change anyhow".
Do not make a big deal about her comment or EVER ask if she's noticed them...
WHY? B/C then she'll think the "Change" is NOT real and that it is merely a tactic to get her back and
that if she were to return - then you would simply revert to the way things used to be. THAT IS HER GREATEST FEAR...
You must show her the changes for long enough that she believes they are real and permanent. Make them so.
When you think about it from another perspective, if your partner had flaws/problems that damaged the marriage enough a relationship to make you want OUT of it - even though you have two kids,
& then you see that the spouse is changing into someone without those issues or flaws, or who is becoming a person you wanted them to become all along, or even better, then it's darn tough not to re-think your choice to leave.
It's as if all "YOUR work" and patience with the spouse, staying as long as you did, before finally leaving
-- will only benefit someone else? WTH?
You could try to tell yourself it's "too little too late" or "it's not real", or "he'd never keep that up for ME"...
but down deep it ends up bugging a lot of people very much, that the changes they always hoped for, were finally made, but for someone else.
I heard an ex wife once say it's as if she "got the crappy Practice husband' and the 2nd wife gets the 'new & improved guy' and THEY get to go off into the sunset with his newfound relationship skills and all his confidence and respectful behavior, that she never got but Taught him by leaving!!!"
believe me, that bothers WAS's a lot...
and NO woman is unmoved by seeing the loving interactions of her children, with their father. Keep it up.
It's the right thing to do so they don't lose both parents, and b/c it gives YOU joy and b/c it takes two involved parents to raise happy healthy citizens.
Reassure your kids as best you can, that you will ALWAYS be there for them. And that you love them.
If things are smooth enough, and IF it does NOT seem like you are making your case to her
you may even thank HER for "waking" you up to make these changes
b/c now you see that life is better for YOU this way, and you won't ever go back to being an uninvolved dad who misses out, etc...
Make sense?
Be happy. It's attractive and that attitude MAY help win her back. But the thing is, it cannot hurt.
So even IF she never returns, You will be happier/healthier that much sooner. than if you wallow. Do not try to convince yourself that being miserable will prove how much you love her. That myth always backfires.
IF she is potentially open to returning, she's FAR more likely to do so, if there is an appealing, confident attractive man to return to...
Being miserable is just not attractive. It's weak and needy looking and no healthy woman will run back to that...Be strong...
(at least ACT strong - you only have to act like that in front of her & anyone who might pass on info about you to her. So look good and put together if you think you'll run into mutual friends. But hey, It's not a 24/7 thing so yes you CAN do this!).
Got it? Yes, I know you may not "Feel happy" but where the head goes, the heart will follow, if we let it.
Talk yourself into what you have to do. Don't wait to feel it...like GAL. Too many LBSers wait to "feel like GAL" but in reality what they FEEL like doing is hiding under their bed with some ice cream or booze. Should they do that b/c that is how they FEEL?
Don't let how you "feel" this hour, or day, dictate your life's choices or you'll be repeating your wife's behavior--following her every emotional whim as if that is the way to live.
NO one could keep their committments in life if they only let their feelings guide them.
"What's that? You don't "FEEL" like working today? Okay, don't show up"...see how that helps your career.
"You don't FEEL like cooking for the kids or taking care of the sick one, OR playing with them b/c it's not that fun FOR YOU"
so you "FEEL" like doing your own thing and gee, if you feel that way it must be right.
But that's a lie we say to justify some bad selfish choices. See how healthy your relationships w/your kids (or their physical health) become living that way.
Broken agreeements make for messy lives.
Love is at least in part, a CHOICE. We must make it every day.
If need be, fake it til you make it...
good luck
((( )))
Wow! 25yrs....I'm copying this to read over and over again later. Thanks!
25!!!!!
Completely.in.awe.
Copied and saved to be read again and again and again....
Shocked...take this all in...
((( ))) to all
Me too. I just printed 25s post out myself. One of the things that I have been struggling with is the fact that my H says that he genuinely loves me very much but he just doesn't "feel" like being married. Not so he can go off and date but because he wants to live alone and write the great American novel (which he will never do anyway). Initially, I kept telling him that he shouldn't be such a slave to his feelings because I don't always feel like going to work or being a mom or whatever but I do it because it's part of life commitments that I've already made and they bring me a great life ultimately. But your post, 25, says it so much better. Being driven by feelings is often an excuse to be selfish. Shocked, you are getting great advice here. It was only when I completely detached and GAL'd that my H suddenly started saying maybe he had been confused about his feelings and was thinking about reconciling. Now we are dating and (always were) exclusive, but still living apart. We'll see where the next train stop on this journey takes us from here... Hang in there, but begin retreating strongly now so that she can miss you and start pursuing you eventually.
25, right now you are my rock that keeps me going. I love everything you have to tell me. I like that you don't sugar coat things, you say it like it needs to be said.
I have been doing thinking about new things that I want to try. I have had a guitar that has been sitting for about 5 or 6 years, I'm going to take some lesson.
At first when I was with the boys alone, they drove me crazy always wanting to do this or play that. At first I didn't care to, now I find myself enjoying it more and more.
I heard an ex wife once say it's as if she "got the crappy Practice husband' and the 2nd wife gets the 'new & improved guy' and THEY get to go off into the sunset with his newfound relationship skills and all his confidence and respectful behavior, that she never got but Taught him by leaving!!!" This will be her exact words if she does leave. LOLOLOL
I'm going to work on myself to make me feel good and set myself for joy in the future with or without her. I'm going to be the man only a fool would leave like you said.
Me and other family are trying a new camp ground and are going canoeing, something we never have done.
I know how to hold a grudge
I can send a bridge up in smoke
And I can't count the people I've let down, the hearts I've broke
You ain't gotta dig too deep
If you wanna find some dirt on me
I'm learning who you've been
Ain't who you've got to be
It's gonna be an uphill climb
Aww honey I won't lie
I ain't no angel
I still got a few more dances with the devil
I’m cleaning up my act little by little
I’m getting there
I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see
I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get
But I’m better than I used to be
I’ve pinned a lot of demons to the ground
I’ve got a few old habits left
But there’s still one or two I might need you to help me get
Standing in the rain so long has left me with a little rust
But put some faith in me
And someday you’ll see
There’s a diamond under all this dust
I ain't no angel
I still got a few more dances with the devil
I’m cleaning up my act little by little
I’m getting there
I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see
I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get
But I’m better than I used to be
I ain't no angel
I still got a few more dances with the devil
But I’m cleaning up my act little by little
I’m getting there
I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see
I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get
But I’m better than I used to be "Better Than I Used To Be" TIM MCGRAW
Bold is my favorite part of the song. I sing this like no tomorrow in the car on the way to work. Makes me feel good. This song is truely how a feel.
Zig, Bustingout, Unbidden, Thanks, I'm taking 25's advice to heart. She is going to be a big part in getting me threw this. Hugs to you 25!!!!!!!!!
i really like that song too!
(((( ))))
I wasn't born knowing this stuff. I learned it..
.the really really hard way. So I'm happy to pass it on and hope you'll be less stubborn than I was.
HAd a busy weekend and start to the week so I have been missing you guys. Trying to detach and move on, nut W is not making it easy. It is amazing that one day she will be cold, next talking to me about odd things. I just don't know how to read her, trying not to but can't help it. I miss her. Took the kids to an amusment park on Sunday with her stepmom and niece. She called her stepmom that night to see how things went.
Monday at my S t-ball game, we switch some clothes and showed her shirts that me and the boys got for vaction bible study. Then she stud by a friend of hers for about 20 mins, then came over and gave me some pictures, then went and stood by the fence by herself. Then she came back over told me about and old friends daughter that was on the other side of the field, then went and stood at the fence agian. Makes no sense.
I had IC yesterday, it went okay. The C said not to have my hopes up. The comment about an old friends D, is a little better she said, b/c before she couldn't remeber anything from the past. The C also aked if I think there is something missing with my W. I said yes, something is just not there. She said the samething, she is holding something back and not sure. I said maybe depression or post pardom depression that was not seen. not sure. Maybe IC with W will help W figure things out. We will see.
When I dropped the kids off to her yesterday, she was talk ative. was there maybe 8 to 15 min compared to 2 or 3. She also seemed to be happy and smiling.
SEE IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!!!!!!
Then last night she tells her mom that I closed our credit card, which is good, one less thing she will have to split.
I'M LOST!!!!
She gave me the "false hope" speech on several occasions.
Oh yeah, that's a popular one! My DB coach put it like this - they are convincing themselves of this more than they are trying to tell you that. If they didn't feel any glimmer of hope at all, they wouldn't have any hope to try to squash.
jbnati, Could you explain that a little more. What the DB caoch said.
shockeddad, I'll do my best.
My DB coach said my W may have been looking right at me when she said that, but she may have really been talking to herself. She was feeling hope and she needed to tell herself there was no hope to keep herself on track. IOW, she had to squash that glimmer of hope she was feeling.
Does that make sense?
Thanks, that makes more sense to me. Think my W has been thinking about us. She has called other people to see what I have been doing. But, I think she is using anything to try and squash any hope she might have. Trying to tell herself this is the right thing to do.
I showed her a shirt that I bought for vaction bible school that has Matt. 19:26 on it. She is even fighting her faith now too.
I showed her a shirt that I bought for vaction bible school that has Matt. 19:26 on it.
Nice! I am particularly fond of that verse myself.
She is even fighting her faith now too.
My W is, too, and has been for quite some time now. I'm sure with your W, as with mine, that faith is in conflict with their game plan. My W stopped going to church early on in my situation. I figured she was afraid of hearing something that was inconsistent with what she's doing.
Am I trying to read into things to much? I just want my W back. I want to hold her in my arms, I hate being alone.
What if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
our VBS week used the same scripture to get the kids fired up (everything is possible with God Matthew 19:26... I pointed this out to my W who works two part time jobs at the church and she chose to ignore it...
Another weird night with the wife. At my sons t-ball game, the wife was like back to normal. She was talk ative, smiling, laughing, telling me what they did that day. Then leaves for work and does not say goodbye. Lord please help me!!!!!
Is what my W doing, a sign that my detaching is working or is she thinking that I'm fine with a D. Starting to think of giving up, I hate feeling like this.
W is doing what I believe is normal behavior.
The version of the W you knew is inside her. She will pop her head out every now and then.
DO NOT REACT TO THIS. Take things in stride. When the W I knew would show up, I would see it as a sign and jump at it. This would make it quickly disappear and take longer for it to surface again.
It is like the scared and hungry cat hiding in your house. If it shows itself and you run to it because you know it needs food, it will instantly run away. It needs to build trust before it decides it wants to stay unhidden longer.
Do not give up. Detach and GAL.
Thanks Lost, This is just beating me down, I want it to work so much, but I hate being alone. Then the way she acts at times just makes me wonder. One thing I have worked on big time is patience. Still working on it.
Okay, this is going to sound silly. But I feel a little down because she finally changed her profile picture on FB. It was one of all us sitting in a hottub. I knew it was coming just hurt to see it happen. At least she left on there that we are still married. LOL. THis [censored], I want lie. 7th anniversary is Monday. I think thats what is brining me down, hope it hits her a little. Our 13th anniversary of being togethier did back in April. Did I say this [censored]!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh, it doesn't sound silly at all! Of course it hurts!
My H went for a business trip in March just before he moved out. While he was gone he deleted 95% of the pictures of the two of us on FB. Then he dropped his married status. Then added lots of activities.
I was crushed. I asked him about it when we talked next and he said he can still see the married status on FB, but the public can't see it. I found it so painful.
Just now, I'm starting to fill out my profile more. Add more friends. Add more interests. I'm going to add some older pics (I have a couple of glamour shots ).
It's not to retaliate. Just to get more of my interest in my life on FB with friends and family. Not be so interested in what H is doing.
Maybe that would help you? As you are GAL, add those things to your FB page. It's very satisfying to see people comment on your stuff.
I will try that, thanks. The odd thing is she says she don't get on, which you don't see her post things, but I think she might be looking at mine. One time I asked about something I sent her, she said she don't go on there. The next morning I seen her on. I think she might have done it, because see don't want to see pictures of us, think it makes her think about what she is doing and if it's the right thing. She won't step in the house, when you do, there is a whole wall filled with our wedding pictures.
Shockedad,
You are experiancing a huge amount of pain. This is to be expected. Expressing it here rather than to your wife is good.
Now I am going to ask you to look at what you are saying. "This is just beating me down, I want it to work so much, but I hate being alone" You sound weak, needy, and a mess. That is so unattractive to any women. Its certainly not the man she married: He was strong, capabale, accomplished, funnny and so very attractive to her and probably that image of you was reinforced by her friends. Which version of you do you think she would want to be with????
Please get ahold of yourself. Yes patience is critical here. But strength is even more important. I am sure that even if you do not say these things to your wife she can sense them. She can smell the fear and desperation. Remember she knows you. She knows your body language, your little tells. She can see your weaknesses a mile away. This is why you can not convince her of anything. She must come to realizations by herself. The only thing you have control over is YOU. How you feel, think, and most importantly how you act.
You can do this. Make a plan based on strength. Then live your life 100% based who you want to be and who your are as a man. She either will be attracted by that or not. Again not in your control. But which do you think has a better shot at success. Either way you will survive and things will get better with or without your wife when you decide to lead your life.
Hey Shocked, keep your chin up my friend we are all rooting for you. Vorlon gave you some great advice, 8 months in I am still figuring all this out since little has worked for me, so I don't do much advice but am pulling for you and your sitch!
Vorlon, I see you have been around for a while and the list you posted yesterday really hit home for me, one of the most helpful things I have seen on here. I have subsequently read all of your posts and you give some of the most candid and helpful advice I have read on here. Thanks for being here!
Sorry, I just having rough day. Think I have been pretty good for about the last month. I keep trying to look into the little things to much. Thr new pic is a nice one of her and one of my sons. Would it be okay to leave a comment? Maybe " Lovely pic of you and S. He is so handsome and you are lovely as always. He's growing into a young man."
To avoid all that, I just defriended my H when he dropped the bomb. I didn't want to know about him and I didn't want him to know about me. It saved me a lot of heartache, and sleepless nights.
What is it you hope to accomplish by making the comment? What are your expectations or result your looking for? Be honest with yourself here...you want her to notice how thoughtful you are and write a nice comment back to you to make you feel better. To ellicit a nice though or feeling about you. Your trying to score points. Your looking for validation from her.
Again the focus on her, the sublte pressure to respond to you. Hmm does that sound like the actions of a strong, confident, capable man that she would be attracted too? I'll let you answer this my friend because you have to learn to think, act and feel by yourself.
Even if you do the wrong thing, so what!! We are all human. What you need is confidence in your own thougts, actions and deeds. Even if you are wrong or make a mistake. You are man enough to get over it and press ahead with what needs to be done. That is part of being a man no women would let go.... yes you are good enough. You can handle it.
Broken74---Thanks. I read a lot.. 5LL, A Passionate Marrage, TWOTSM, and M/V books to name a few and have had to go through my own pain. I have a wife who wouldn't cut me any slack as a man and at the same time had the strength to stay with me while I worked on me. I had to grow up and figure out what the heck being a man meant. I also try and learn from others as I go through life. Many great people have been on here over the years as well as on other boards I visit. Its process and many of the issues are similar.
Shockeddad, I appreciate what Verlon said. I am loving his advice too!
H & I are both frequent FB users. He "likes" everything I post and I try not to overdo posting too much.
As far as my comments on his stuff, I try to make it not more than other friends. Like "cute pic" or just a "like" or try to make a funny statement. Never anything personal. It helps to maintain the "light-hearted" feeling ping-ponging back and forth and still I get the feeling of being in touch with him.
Just what works right now for me.
Great Advice Vorlon! It is also nice to hear you have been lucky enough to work through your marraige issues. Keep the good advice going and thanks!
shockeddad,
I wanted to drop in on your thread. Vorlon has given you some great advice. I agree with what he is pointing out. Please read his posts again and again.
You still have expectations. There is not a magic bullet for these situations. You must continue working on completely detaching. It is a process. That's why GAL is so important.
You must focus on getting yourself to that happy and confident place. It takes time and patience. A lot of time and patience.
It is time to dig deep and work on yourself.
I showed her a shirt that I bought for vaction bible school that has Matt. 19:26 on it. She is even fighting her faith now too.
Please do NOT discuss theology with her. It's a ruse to guilt her into coming back
even if you don't realize it. For sure it's how SHE sees it, pressure from you and probably some judgement.
IF that would get her home, talking to ONE religious friend would already have worked.
back way way off.
And I know you've heard this a dozen time "Pay NO attention to anything they say and only half of what they do"
yet you are examining her every comment/conversation with you -AND with others on a
daily basis
Stop that.
Look for patterns or movement, over time.Again, this is a marathon,not a spring. No short cuts.
very good advice, 25yearsmlc... I am relying very heavily on my faith to help me through this, I will be sure to keep your comments here in mind... I also have trouble examining every word...
what type of patterns/movement are you suggesting need to be looked for..?
thanks...
FF,
I'll try to find your thread, b/c this one will lock up soon. Come find me if I don't find you first.
25mlc
lets see if I do this right... my sitch name is "one step closer to the edge and I'm about to break"
here is the link(I think).. lol
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2254996&#Post2254996
Did good yesterday, didn't go anywhere she was at. Today is going to be hard, it's our 7 th wedding anniversary.