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Room for Improvement That Sting song plays over and over in my head when I'm here on the boards.
Must mean sumthin.
If your only reason for being here is to "Save My Marriage" you will be stuck in the same place a year, 2 years, forever. Lay down the save my marriage banner and pick up the one that says "Save Me"
If you're here to improve yourself, get rid of some old baggage and are open to the process you just might create a new life for yourself. It may or may not include your spouse but that might no matter.
You're probably right. It really used to scare me when I was new here that people would say basically that you have to let go of your marriage, when the whole reason you came was to save it.
But I've been down a lot of cheeseless tunnels and almost every mistake I've made had to do with not being detached enough.
Thanks for the great advice. I think I'm
nearly ready for it.
When H once told me "I have no interest in looking at the past and trying to rekindle. If we have something in the future a spark then it will be us getting to know each other know and building a new love story" I thought that meant there was no hope if he wasn't looking to see what was wrong. But I get it more now.
I feel like I've taken my marriage, packed it all away in a box and put it to the side, a bit like Christmas decorations. But he's still there and I'm just trying to appreciate him, relate better, and be me.
I like your new thread title!
I read a book once, can't remember the author, that said sometimes you have to give your R a brush with death in order to have a rebirth with a new R. Now, there have been MANY, MANY, times I have wanted H's death....LOL, but I never really got the gist of the idea until a little while ago. The old R has to die...one really does need to bury it. It's gone. I believe that is where the GAL comes in, and the need to focus on oneself comes in.
I liken it to an activity I do with my students. I have them make a "friendship" recipe card. On it they list the ingredients that are needed in order to have a great friend. I tell them in order to have friends, you have to be a person that a friend would want to have.
In our sitches, we have to be partners that WE would want to have. This has been the hardest lesson for me to learn, and I still have a loooooooooong way to go. But in time, I feel like I will be an AWESOME partner that I would want to have around.
**At least that's the plan**
i love what you wrote AprilT - that's a great way to look at it - i think i'll go write my own "partner recipe card" and focus on how i can be that
labug - i love your thread title - that song has been in my head for the past couple of days also - i really feel as if i'm finally starting to set h free, and subsequently beginning to feel my own freedom - just the first twinges. but who says we don't have to make baby steps also
Ahh man labug, now you have that song going through my head!
If your only reason for being here is to "Save My Marriage" you will be stuck in the same place a year, 2 years, forever. Lay down the save my marriage banner and pick up the one that says "Save Me"
If you're here to improve yourself, get rid of some old baggage and are open to the process you just might create a new life for yourself. It may or may not include your spouse but that might no matter.
So true. We can set our spouses free to make their life what they think they want it to be. We can give them the freedom to see how it works for them. In the meantime, we have the freedom to make our lives the way we want them to be. If the two paths converge so be it - everyone wins. If the paths don't converge, we're still better people.
Yes, jb, I think that's the way it has to be, that's the way it is.
We can only control ourselvs.
Jb, that is exactly right. We have to let them live their lives and make their own mistakes, while we do the same. And when we both figure out what path we're on and what we really want in life, we can then decide if we can take that path together.
So true....the only question is the amount of time it takes for the paths to diverge or converge.......when to make the call?
That's the tough part. I'm one year in and haven't given up yet. I still don't think we've even begun to take our own paths yet, so it could be awhile.
I am also one year in ... xW formal departure was 10 months ago....we must continue to GAL and move forward......
bug-
i hope your night gets better. sounds like you had a rough day.
((((((bug)))))
Thanks, this has been brewing and it's all due to expectations. H and I had a few positive interactions and now he's retreated deep into his cave. Darker than dark. As I've said before, he's a better DBer than I'll ever be.
A friend from this board wrote me about something not having to do with my sitch, at least not directly: This is the hard part, watching while others make their choices, albeit a great exercise in letting others live their life.
I need to learn that lesson. That maybe he never was that person I thought he was. This is him stripped of my filling in the empty spaces, making excuses, smoothing the rough spots.
I'm not there yet.
I know this is a bit cryptic but I'm too raw right now. I'm letting emotion get in the way of my logical brain. Maybe I can make more sense tomorrow.
Thanks, Dakota.
labug - are you ok?
i can't figure out what happened. can't see anything on this thread - is it somewhere else?
i just came on line and saw this
(((((labug))))))
zig
hang in there girl, this too shall pass and you'll find your center again. remember that you ARE stronger than you think
Thanks, zig. I just have to sort this out. As I said, I'm in a very emotional place and feeling very sorry for myself because I want what I can't have, and maybe never did.
I am grateful for:
the beautiful day today
spending the day with a lovely family who welcomed a new son into their lives, and shared food with me
my home
my sons
the dog who welcomes me home every night, even tho I'm not that crazy about him
the people here
The gratitude thing is great. One of my wayward wife's legitimate complaints was that I had been pretty negative. Now granted I'm in a better work situation which makes it easier to be positive about things, but I've also been practicing being consciously grateful for the good things. Even small good things. My counselor even gave me a journal to that end - the idea being to write down five things every day. It's helped me through the separation and pending dissolution, and made me a more enjoyable person to be around.
In the good weeks when I seem to have the world by the tail, I tend to forget the basics.
Exercise
Yoga
Meditation
Gratitude
Doing for others without expectations
Thanks, Kolja!
A Daily Prayer
I want to know the fullness of who I am, so guide me closer in every step today to a fuller recognition of what I've been asking for and who I really am.
______________________________________________________________________________
Love others in their uniqueness and try to manage them not at all
And Love yourself in your uniqueness and try to conform not at all
______________________________________________________________________________
Today, no matter where I'm going , no matter what I'm doing , it is my dominant intent to please myself, to be good to me.
I am going to soothe myself into a good feeling place. I am going to look for ways to soothe myself.
I'm going to leave behind things that don't feel good - thoughts, relationships, stuff. I'm going to declutter my experience, my relationships, declutter my mind.
I'm going to leave that not good feeling stuff behind.
I'm going to think less often of that thought that puts a knot in the pit of my stomach.
I'm going to be nicer to me.
I'm going to let the relationship with myself be the only thing that matters to me.
It's time for me to chill and stop trying so hard about so many things and let life be good to me as it is supposed to be.
______________________________________________________________________________
You don't wrestle the unwanted into the ground, you just leave it behind, you let it just fade into the vibrational distance...
______________________________________________________________________________
Here are a few things from my most recent arsenal. I read them or say them to myself several times a day - and they are really effective. they are from ester hicks - Law of attraction.
double triple hug
zig
Hey Bug, just checking in to let you know you are in my thoughts tonight! Tomorrow will be a better day for you.
Pat the dog on the head and scratch his neck. He'll love you for it and you can't buy that kind of gratitude!
zig, I have to read that several times-thanks (())
2, the dog appreciates the attention.
I told him it was from Uncle 2.
sure labug - I hope you have a peaceful calm night and wake up tomorrow feeling centered again.:)
Bug, you are always there for me and I just read this and thought I should comment. I wonder long after the spearation or the bomb we continue to feel the ripples of hurt. I'm sorry you're feeling this way.
I completely agree with your statement about how maybe this is them without you filling in the spaces and smoothing over cracks. My H said he was a better person for knowing me but he doesn't seem to have kept some lessons. Someone not on this board told me when you're in love it tolerates, accepts, and has compassion but as you begin to detach you see them without those eyes.
But I don't think you should feel that he was never who you thought he was. Both of you...all of are different people than we were a year ago even a week ago. Another good quote "no man can walk into the same river twice for he is a different man and it is a different river"
And whatever's happened it's not a reflection on you or your judge of character. That's what I try to tell myself
bugsy.. i hate reading that you're having a rough patch. but i know it's something we must all go through.
"I need to learn that lesson. That maybe he never was that person I thought he was. This is him stripped of my filling in the empty spaces, making excuses, smoothing the rough spots."
i have been wondering this myself. that perhaps H was trying to be this person he thought i wanted and who he is now is the real him. i don't know. but the only thing i think we can do is continue figuring out who we are aside from our Hs. maybe who we were in the M was us trying to be who we thought they wanted us to be. and now.. as we strip away the empty spaces they filled.. we're slowly discovering ourselves?
i don't know. ((((( )))))
Thanks everyone and the moral of the story is: don't jump to conclusions. As it turns out I didn't have all the facts before I made a judgment and got myself all twisted up.
This was something H had agreed to do with S19 and when I got home from work it seemed to have not happened. I had emailed H all the specifics but since he has now chosen not to respond to emails, I didn't know what was happening.
I did later learn that he had kept his word and done what he had agreed to do. I'm so glad I didn't email him in a fit of anger.
Thanks for all the support, I'm on a more even keel today.
And I can't emphasize this enough, this is at the heart of DB, and at the heart of living a full life, especially if you've lived your life as a controlling-fixer :
This is the hard part, watching while others make their choices, albeit a great exercise in letting others live their life.
When I stop to think about "what is upsetting to me about this or that situation?" the answers is often that I have no control over it.
I fear the unknown.
This is the hard part, watching while others make their choices, albeit a great exercise in letting others live their life.
When I stop to think about "what is upsetting to me about this or that situation?" the answers is often that I have no control over it.
I fear the unknown.
So true, Bug, so true.
My C told me, and I think it is true for many of us here, that I am a high achiever, that what makes me that way is that I do not give up, I know I can find a solution if I think/try long enough...
But it is also a way of keeping myself away from the fear of uncertainty, which I hate, hate, hate!!! (Did I say that hate it? I do
) I know that I need to learn how to live with the uncertainty of life and not fight so hard to control it, that to fight it means to lose the moment.. to not enjoy where I am, right now...to brace myself against the bad, closes me off at times to the good.
While we think we are fighting for our M here, I wonder if we are fighting for something much much bigger and greater, to sit in the uncertainty that is life without fear.
I know that I used my M as a way to avoid the fear that is life itself. It was my safety, my certain, unchanging thing that I could count on, my rock...
I had a therapy session in which I did a visualization and the therapist had me visualize my depression and loss and I saw myself in a dark, deep swirling body of water fighting to keep my head above the water, exhausted and scared. She told me to stop fighting. I was crying and scared, but I trusted her so I did as she said and surprisingly, I started to float. She had my Mother come to me in the image and say something. My Mother said, "This is where you need to be."
The anxiety I was experiencing lessened significantly after that session.
Maybe the big lesson in life, is to learn how to float.
((( ))) to you Bug. Thank you for helping me grow by sharing your life here.
Way easier said than done...
Maybe the big lesson in life, is to learn how to float.
Yes, I do believe you're right.
We can only save ourselves.
bug- i am glad to hear you evened out. you had me worried. on what grace said. it makes sense. here is a true story about me when my W was pregnant with my son.
a group of friends and us went out to this dam. it was hot and sunny. we used to slide down the dam like a water slide. so we were having some drinks, playin in the water and decided to go for a slide. it had been a rainy year, but we never thought about it. young and dumb.
me, my friend and this girl were on top. she went first. we saw her struggling in the bottom so we went down. we are bigger than her. when we hit the bottom we got sucked into the washing machine. it was insane. i kept trying to swim out. i am a strong swimmer, but not stronger than that water. i fought and fought to come up for air and just survive. i kept barely coming up and was losing strength. i didnt think i could keep going. i had a shirt on(covers up some tattoos that i wasnt proud of, they have since been covered up) and when i came up to breathe it went over m mouth and nose. thats when i knew i was finished. i gave up. i couldnt go on. when i stopped fighting, the water kicked me out the bottom. i lay in the shallow water gasping. all i could think was, why did i fight? if i would have trusted god and let the water do it's thing this would have ended sooner.
it is a natural reaction to fight against what scares us. i was so afraid of dying that day. when i accepted that i might die, i lived. there was a happy ending. i get caught up in what is in front of my face and forget what i know. thank you grace for that reminder.
bug, i know you are smart and you know what to do. it is hard. when you hold a pebble to your eye, it looks HUGE. when you set it down and dont focus on it, it isnt that big after all. i dont know if that makes sense. im thinkin of you!
I'm so glad I didn't email him in a fit of anger.
It's funny how much we resist it and yet patience keeps proving itself time and again. If we just wait and be still we can certainly make a more informed decision.
In this case I'm happy things worked out for you.
what a great analogy! what happened to your two friends?
the girl got spit out right away. she was smaller. my buddy ended up grabbing a rope that was hanging down. i looked up and there he was hanging there....butt a$$ naked. current ripped his shorts of..lmao
That's a scary story but I like the ending and the analogy. Dams have always scared me for that reason. The story got my heart rate up.
Thanks for your kind words, I don have those crashes occasionally but not nearly as often as I used to.
I took a great 13 mile bike ride this morning! I love riding and we have a beautiful bike path here which will soon be completely connected(as of now it's patchy) and will provide 55 miles of paved trail. I had to do a long slow climb near the end but made it. Those can be killers.
The sons and I have been invited to a friends house for a cook-out and we'll have fun there.
Not much else planned. It's a beautiful day so we will enjoy that. Our he!!ish heat hasn't descended on us yet, but it's coming. Have to enjoy these days.
Sounds like you had a wonderful day. Glad you're having a nice night out!
Sounds like an excellent day! It's really stinking hot here today... very thankful for a/c!
Hi Bug,
Glad you planned such a great day for yourself.
I love riding too.
We had a really great day.
Ate way too much. The couple who invited us for dinner are old friends of 30 years. They have been like family to us. She will be 80 this year and he is 89. You would never know it as they are both still sharp. She makes homemade baklava that's to die for. He is Greek, first generation, so she learned the recipe from his family. She also makes stuffed grape leaves that are amazing. She's now growing grapes so she'll have her own supply of grape leaves.
S22 was working on their irrigation system today (he's quite handy) and S19 did the grilling.
We played a new card game that our hosts taught us. We laughed and joked and teased each other about our mistakes. I love the fact that my sons have these people in their lives and enjoy the multigenerational times we spend together.
It was a fun family day.
hey Bug, glad you had a great day! It really is a blessing to find people around to enjoy and support and laugh with...even when its virtual! I appreciate you!
so good to hear you so cheerful - and so pleased that you all had such a warm loving time together.
zig
Glad u and your boys had a great day together Bug!!
sounds like an amazing day.
Labug, that sounds like a really nice, memorable day. Your sons sound very handy and helpful, too!
Thanks so much for the tip to read Laura Munson's book. I can hardly put it down! There is so much there that resonates with me! Thanks so much!
And I love the bike riding too! I rode 8 miles before breakfast this morning. 61 degrees & no wind! It was lovely. And very healing, too!
Do you do camping out with your boys?
‎"In the most ordinary terms, egolessness is a flexible identity. It manifests as inquisitiveness, as adaptability, as humor, as playfulness. It is our capacity to relax with not knowing, not figuring everything out, with not being at all sure who we are, or who anyone else is, either." ~Pema
For all of us who are learning to float.
Thank you, bug. Love that quote. I have already added it to my document of helpful quotes. It is a definite post-it quote!!
Thank you for helping me float... I think you and the other DBers are my arm floats
I was trying to explain just that thing to someone today and I said I've done this for so long "not relaxing" Wondering if I'm a good parent, worried that I'm not doing this or that right in parenting, in my career, in relationships, then in M, then in ending it, etc etc and thinking about the future.
It's that crazy undercurrent you were describing earlier and I love the idea of just floating. Everything will be okay.
I am going to make a beautiful sign today for my bathroom with my kids paint that says "Learning to Float"
thks for sharing
That's an awesome idea BK ^^^^
‎"In the most ordinary terms, egolessness is a flexible identity. It manifests as inquisitiveness, as adaptability, as humor, as playfulness. It is our capacity to relax with not knowing, not figuring everything out, with not being at all sure who we are, or who anyone else is, either." ~Pema
For all of us who are learning to float.
I don't think I've relaxed a single day in my ENTIRE life. Maybe for a few minutes here or there, but never for whole days at a time.
I needed this...THANK YOU!
right on the money. i needed to hear this. i want to float. i think im getting closer. thanks bug!
Thanks everyone for your thoughts. Glad the quote was helpful.
When I first started on this board, I read post where people talked about becoming friends with people here. I was so skeptical of that. Come on, it's online!
But you do become friends and when friends hurt, I hurt. I know they are strong, fabulous women and will come out better than OK but getting to OK can be so painful.
And then we see those who are in the early stages of reconciling. This place is a roller coaster, too.
My life is good. I've arrived at yet another level of detachment. For those new here, yes, there are different levels.
Every level is a gift as we become more secure in ourselves and happy to just be.
So, that's all I have to say tonight.
hey.. im not a woman..lol
new level of detachment made me smile. So true. You always think I have detached and then you do again!
It's been a good weekend, so far.
I had a week off without really planning it. I've been working every other F, S, S (12h) which gives me more time off during the week. I had bid on a shift for Th, which I didn't get so it's been good. I wish I had realized it before it was actually here, I would have planned a quick trip to the cool north country.
I've put the time to good use as I did some major reorganizing and cleaning. That always makes things seem lighter.
Yesterday the sons and I trimmed out big mesquite tree. Always a dreaded job as it has thorns that are about 1-inch and tough. If you step on one, you are hurting. Managed to avoid that but do have a few scrapes. The tree looks beautiful today. I can look out there and think "Wow, we did a great job!"
Went to visit MIL yesterday. Haven't seen her in a while as visits were difficult for both of us. Today is her birthday and the sons and I wanted to visit to wish her Happy 86th Birthday. we took a card and the fixings for root beer floats. That was a treat she liked to do for the boys when they were young so we thought we would turn the tables on her and provide her with the treat.
It was a good visit. No mention of H. I did get to see my marriage played out on her digital photo frames but it didn't bother me as it had in the past. It is what it is.
When I called to set up a time to visit, she told me H was there (he takes her to do grocery shopping). I laughed and said, "Well, I won't come down now." So we arranged a time in the afternoon. She called me at about noon to let me know "The coast is clear."
Today, not much on the schedule. The air compressor's suddenly not working so I have to find a hand pump for my bike tires.
So spoiled, I've been.
I'm going to start my week out with this wise thought:
I have no preconceived notion about what's going to happen because I'm always surprised.
I have no reason to believe it's going to be anything but a great experience.
I open myself up to the experience and the gift that's being given to me.~Keb Mo
sounds like a great weekend. the shutoff switch isnt flipped on the compressor is it? some have them.
i am glad you turned me on to keb mo. i like his stuff.
i want a root beer float now! lol
Labug, what a treat to still have a great relationship with your MIL. That's really good for the boys to continue making positive experiences/memories with her.
I've had some baffling moments with our air compressor too. For now it works and the boys are able to help me with it when needed.
I have to look more closely at the compressor. It could be. It's not getting power at all. (I checked the breaker and the cords, etc) I spent some time reading the manual yesterday and getting up close and personal with it.
Luckily didn't need it yesterday. I am wicked with the reciprocating saw. Best tool ever made!
Keb Mo-my latest obsession. He's like butter with honey.
Is she your neighbor? Pioneer Woman is in OK.
No!!!!! Is that a person on this forum?
Our nearest neighbors are sheep and cows with all their owners appearing to be happily married! Lol!
None of our neighbors know we are separated.
No, she has a wildly successful blog about her "pioneer" life on a big cattle ranch.
She does have some great recipes.
Oh, I might have read about her. Thanks.
Good morning Bug,
Thank you for the introduction to Keb Mo. I am rally enjoying his music.
Listening to the song Inside Out right now.
Loved the Root Beer Float story. What a beautiful idea. Glad you had a good visit w/ MIL.
Hope you have a great day.
Thank you so much for that quote. It is true. A few years ago I never would have believed I'd be where I'm at in my career. 10 years ago I never would have believed I'd be living where I am. So yes I'm always surprised and I have to no reason to believe it won't be a great exp.
Very wise words. Thank you I always learn from you!
Hi grace, yes keb mo is great and he seems to have the life thing down. He does a lot of good work.
Brit, glad to help. It's great when we can all learn from one another.
Had my IC appt yesterday and it was probably one of the best sessions we've every had. And when I walked in I was sure I had nothing to talk about.
In fact when I sat down, I said to her: I got nothin'
She just looked at me as she does and waited. I pleaded: Please, give me a topic.
"Let's just see what comes up."
So, I started talking about S19 and how difficult it is to live with someone with a chronic illness that affects their thought process and motivation. She and I had come up with a plan to provide structure for him and it's been working but in such small increments it's barely noticeable. Baby steps, baby steps.
But I want it NOW! She encouraged me to step back and look at the big picture and stop focusing on the minute to minute. Things are changing, just not on my timeline. She pointed out that I should not even really have a timeline. (Does any of this sound familiar)
She's also very good at pointing out what I've done right, which is something I have trouble with. I see it as I've been providing this structure for 2 weeks, things aren't perfect, therefore I failed.
She reframes that as: He's moving in a positive direction, albeit slowly, and making changes because of the structure you provide.
I also have to again think about what it means to love someone unconditionally, just as they are. Even tho we've been dealing with this since he was about 14, I don't think I've ever truly mourned the loss of that fantasy "perfect" child. And maybe it just comes in stages like all grief and mourning.
But me, I want serenity, NOW!
I also shared a triumph over my control and anxiety. The sons and I were going to see The Avengers. I wanted to go to the early show, 11:10. I was up at 0500 as usual and ready to go at 0930. They take a more leisurely approach. I had said I wanted to leave at 1030 and as the clock is ticking past 1015, my anxiety was kicking in. I wanted to switch into Commandant mode and start giving orders.
So I really delved into that and asked myself: So what if you're late? What does that mean?
We'll have to hurry to get there-No, if you're already late, why hurry?
We'll miss the beginning of the movie-It's The Avengers, we could walk in in the middle and know exactly what was going on: good guys/girls fight evil with lots of noise and special effects. The good side wins. (oops, spoiler)
We'll have to walk into the dark theatre, it'll hard to find a seat and you have to walk in front of people to get to your seat. I hate walking in places late and feel that everyone is looking at me.-It's the 11:10 show in the middle of the week, chances are it won't be packed.
So, I took a deep breath and relaxed, turned off the angry, anxiety filled crazy mom and guess what? We left the house at 1035, got to the theatre in plenty of time, found a great seat and enjoyed the show.
I had avoided another opportunity to ruin a perfectly fine day. I've ruined many good days in the past by being controlled by my anxieties and attempting to keep my false self intact.
It is so good to let that go.
It's work but it is so worth it.
La Bug, sounds like you did have a great session. I can totally relate to the wanting things to happen NOW!
I think your movie scenario has played out in my head every time H and I have gone to the movies. LOL I'm learning to not let my anxieties control me. Thank you for the reminder.
You're doing so great!
Ahhhhh Ro, as you know, it comes in fits and starts.
Baby steps, baby steps. We have to learn to be OK with that.
I saw some Keb Mo lyrics you posted on another thread. Wondering if he is a DBer in heart? He sure seems to get it.
I had avoided another opportunity to ruin a perfectly fine day. I've ruined many good days in the past by being controlled by my anxieties and attempting to keep my false self intact.
i thought i was coming here to read about you - but i landed up reading about myself!!
that process you went through - i do it daily and am getting so much better at catching myself sooner and sooner.
labug - it's a bit freaky how us LBS's display almost the exact characteristics in areas like this. that's why they left, right - it's hard to live with someone who functioned like this 24/7
and we did it so intensively that it's really hard for them to even begin to believe that something like that could change
your session sounded really useful - i've noticed that too. on days where i walk in and feel i have not so much to report, that's when the really work and healing take place.
i think it's because we are relaxed and our minds have space and then new insights have a chance to surface as well as we can hear better what someone else is saying
cheers
zig
bug-
once again you have done it for me. talking about yourself...for a minute i thought you were talking about me. i get so worked up over bbeing on time. it drives my W nuts and me nuts. i find, like you did, sometimes its no big deal and things work out just fine. thank you for the reminder. your light shines very bright =)
"""I had avoided another opportunity to ruin a perfectly fine day. I've ruined many good days in the past by being controlled by my anxieties and attempting to keep my false self intact."""
I ruined so many days like this. Before Al-anon and DB I literally didnt know it could be another way. The sun is shinning so much more then it used to.
I have also learned to adjust the timeline in my mind. I have learned that I really didnt think the future would exist so I needed everything to happen now cause in my mind I didnt think next year would actually occur. I also never planned for the future. As an adult I choose a freelance career so I always blamed my lack of planning on not knowing what job I would have, but really it was me not trusting the future would come.
The future will come. Healing and change take time. Believe.
Another vote for "bug just described my (formerly) normal thought process." The way that you were able to turn it around by asking yourself those questions reads like a real expert manual. Thanks for sharing this.
It's no surprise that the world sometimes seems so fu*cked up when so many people are running around stressed with their own anxiety fueled agenda.
It feels so good to know that I can control that now and if I don't it means I just have more work to do, not that I am a terrible person.
It feels so good to know that I can control that now and if I don't it means I just have more work to do, not that I am a terrible person.
agree - and in doing that work, taking ourselves one step closer to who we genuinely are.
started listening to pema again - getting unstuck.
she talked about becoming really comfortable with who we are and where we are, and in totally accepting that and relaxing into it, it opens up the space very gently and then we can see ourselves and what we can do about it.
a long and gentle process..
Had some difficult moments this weekend but managed to get through it without my old slash and burn reactions.
Some of it was only tangentially related to my sitch but today is IC day so I can work on that.
I went to a music night at the home of some long-time friends. It was a lot of fun but a conversation with my friend left me stirred up. The daughter (17) of this couple is building a little house and I've helped with that process. H has been helping her with the electrical stuff. I new she was going to ask him but didn't realize he had agreed and had been working with her. We were looking at the house which I hadn't seen for awhile and I saw that the outlet boxes were in and remarked on that. There was a bit of an awkward pause and friend said "Yeah, she's been working with H on that."
I was taken aback because even after all this time it's weird to not know what he's been up to. I said "I knew she was going to ask him. I'm happy he's helping her."
Then I noticed they had a little scaffolding in the house and I remarked on that and how helpful it is to have one. Friend said: "Yes we got that on Craigslist and we'll be able to sell it when we're done." I said, "That's what we ..." stopped, looked at friend and asked, "You got that idea from H, didn't you?" "Yes, but I didn't want to say that to you."
Later we were talking and she shared that when they were discussing other ideas for the house and asking for his input he said several times "Well, LaBug would probably do it (blahblah) way," or "LaBug might have a better idea on how to do that."
So, even tho it was a fun evening, I was churning when I left and continued to think about my feelings around those discussions yesterday. My honest inventory: happy that he still thinks about me, happy that he respects my knowledge and creativity, sad/jealous that others know more of my H than I do at this time in our lives.
Positives, I recognized that these are feelings and they will pass. I didn't react in any way, I didn't email him with, "Friend told me you were helping on the little house. Great job!"
It's still a roller coaster at times but now it's more like the one in the kiddie park.
Challenging insights/questions welcomed.
Hey Bug, Sorry the roller coaster took off unexpectantly but glad the ride wasn't as rough as it has been. That's a positive.
Another positive I see is that your H thought of you and in a way that was complimentary of your abilities.
As you know, my W is on her second summer away. Its not to the degree you face but I do have a small idea of what its like to have others be more active in my W's life than me. No fun at all. And that goes back to expectations doesn't it.
This has been a very long journey for you and its still going on. That's hard and I hate it for you. I've very glad you can see these feelings deal with them and move forward. That says so much about you.
Glad you still had fun and I hope your week goes well. ((Bug))
Bug,
Not sure if there are any challenging things to say...
You guys spent years together. He is going to think about you occassionally, just as you are going to think of him.
It is part of life and just because someone isn't in our lives anymore doesn't mean they are gone from our thoughts, memories, or hearts.
I had a similar experience this weekend. Went out with BF to meet a friend of his...to a place that he and his X went occasionally. Listened to a band that they used to go to see. It was wierd.
Have to admit that I was grateful that we didn't run into her but that has happened before too... and will again in the future I'm sure
Something that I have had to remind another friend in the past, is that now we all have baggage. We aren't kids. We had people in our lives and the people we meet had people in their lives before us.
Sometimes those paths will cross again.
I was taken aback because even after all this time it's weird to not know what he's been up to.
I know exactly what you mean. It's the surprise factor I think. And the reminder that just because you're dark it doesn't mean his life doesn't go on.
When H told me about a museum he and GF went to, he mentioned that they had a portrait of someone I liked. And I wondered if he'd mentioned that, if the that thought had been uncomfortable to him while he was there. Why? It doesn't matter.
You are still a big presence in his mind, because you've shared so much your likes, your dislikes, the advice he could hear you giving in his head doesn't just go away. Same way it doesn't for us. Take that as a positive if he felt funny about what they might say about you, he wouldn't have brought up your name.
I would say look at why you think that upset you or threw you for a loop. Wasn't it you that told me it's usually got something to do with what you fear? What is it about that moment that upset you what fear is it connected to and how can you heal that?
I know for me what the fear was when I heard about his life...but it might be a different fear for you. Only you can answer that.
Be proud of the way you responded.
I would say look at why you think that upset you or threw you for a loop. Wasn't it you that told me it's usually got something to do with what you fear? What is it about that moment that upset you what fear is it connected to and how can you heal that?
Great question Brit.
hi bug, sounds like classic pema. you met your shaky place with openness and compassion.. for you and others
Thanks everyone for the response.
Brit, i'm still thinking about your question but I've had a killer day.
I went to IC today and finally faced some of my issues with S19 and his illness.
I felt much better when I left but came home and slept all afternoon and could go back to sleep right now. I didn't realize how much stress I was carrying around relating to that.
Tomorrow, friends.
Glad you feel better Bug. Hope your s19 is doing ok.
your mind does a lot of self healing while you sleep, so i hope you slept well and while you were sleeping you worked through some of the stuff with your s
what you said about realizing how much you were carrying about your s - resonates with me - that;s what my release was about too, today - just letting go of the burden, not literally, but in my mind for myself
glad to hear you allowed yourself to nap and take more rest - it's the best thing after an emotional release.
take care bug - the way you work through your stuff, is a great guidance for me as i work through mine. can't help thinking how "self-regulated' you are, as my IC would say
zig
I felt much better when I left but came home and slept all afternoon and could go back to sleep right now. I didn't realize how much stress I was carrying around relating to that.
So much is surfacing it's no surprise that you're tired. It's a sign of your strength that you're dealing with everything. So many people walk around pushing things down.
(( )) hope you slept well.
labug
just got Melody Beatties -meditation book. thanks so much for suggesting it.
read the first week this morning - i like it - a lot . of course it starts with acknowledging and appreciating the journey - before one can take any steps one has to be in sync with where they are.
hope you're well this morning
zig
Thanks everyone, I did sleep well last night. I noticed several times during my appt yesterday that my whole body was tense, and I had to work on relaxing. But I did gain some insight.
I feel hopeful today and grateful that what we're faced with is what it is. It could be so much worse.
What you resist, persists.~Jung
I would say look at why you think that upset you or threw you for a loop. Wasn't it you that told me it's usually got something to do with what you fear? What is it about that moment that upset you what fear is it connected to and how can you heal that?
Great question Brit.
I think it threw me because in my mind, I see him going through his daily life not thinking of me much at all and if he does, it's in a negative light. However, I know he would never say anything negative about me to others, most especially not to mutual friends.
This opened up a different possibility. Compounded by the fact that as we've seen each other more over the last couple of months, all of our interactions have been positive. Maybe not so much positive as neutral. There have been no harsh words since the month following the bomb. He still wears his wedding ring, there is no OW.
Yep, expectations set in and I have to let that go.
He's walking his path and I'm walking mine. And I'm actually happy right now.
I'm really glad you slept well last night. Sounds like you are doing some true work, so positive!!
He's walking his path and I'm walking mine. And I'm actually happy right now.
This is very good!!
Wow! Labug. It would be hard not to have hope and expectations! Still wearing his ring! No OW! I'm sure he thinks very highly of you and respects you greatly.
Yesterday, in MC, the thing that H could barely say because his emotions were so strong -- it took him a couple minutes to get it out -- was that I am so trustworthy. That obviously means very much to him.
And he said he would want a R where he was transparent. Which he obviously is not right now. But, back to you.....
It sounds like you are in a really good place!
Labug, you have been such an encouragement to me! I see you have time and desire to help people in their sitch's all over this forum. And it's always good, solid advice.
I am so grateful. I feel like I am learning things I should have learned years ago.
My roller coaster dips aren't as low now and the highs aren't as high. It's an evening out. And that's good. Thank you ever so much!!!!
Had a great day! Only work half-day on most Tues so made a date with myself to go see a movie after work. For Christmas my sons gifted me Fandango bucks for movies. What a great gift for me! I've been wanting to see The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel and am I glad I did. I haven't laughed like that at a movie in a long time. It's about growing older, growing up, finding yourself, daring to dream at any age and of course, love. It's a feel good movie with great acting and beautiful backgrounds. I recommend it, especially if you're on the other side of 45.
I also saw the trailer for Love Springs which looks like it will be fun. Tommy Lee Jones and Meryl Streep as a married couple seeking advice from a marriage counselor played by Steve Carrell. Google for the trailer. Those early in their sitch may not be ready for this.
Glad to hear that you got some rest and then had such a great day!
I saw the Love Springs trailer before the Avengers a few weeks ago. It definitely struck a nerve but I could see the humor in it. Plus who doesn't love Meryl!?
Me41(2nd M) W38(3rd M) M7 T10
SD 16 SS13 D6
ILYBINILWY 3/12
AOM 4/17
Bomb 5/27
Can I set her free???
Story as she would tell it.
I never turned out to be the person I posted I was online.
We met right as each of our previous marriages were ending.Making out on the second date. I felt I loved her early on.
We married and I became injured and went on workmens comp soon after we were married. That was the beginning of the end for her.I was unable to work or be seen doing anything was in a holding pattern for 2 years till case was settled. During that time we decided to have my only Daughter.Five months into her pregnancy I was busted looking at porn on the web.That happen maybe 2 more times over the course of the 10 years.
I also expressed to her that i found other women attractive while on business trips but was never unfathfull.
I have been a messy person not keeping up with my share of the household after the injury but am better now.
We had a religious reawakening 2 years ago and were married in the catholic church after a couples weekend.
Maybe 6 months ago hints that she was not happy.
Followed by I cant do it any more ect for the last 3 months.
Me pleading to stay
About a month ago She told me that she had a encounter that was more than just eye contact and can,t stop dreaming about how it could be to be involved with someone passionately.
A few weeks later I love u but not in love Followed by I want a divorce.
-----------------
So i up to this point have been pleading for her to stay.
Have just begun my first 180 personal counseling and GAL stuff along with phone coaching.
Last night we had a melt down in public and she seems thru.
I have been given the advice to call her bluff at the next incident telling her she should leave if its that bad.
Im scared.
Planing to stay out one night this week where she can wonder where I am and I expect that will trigger something.
I don't want to be the one showing my kids my back by being the one to leave.
Am afraid of her doing crazy stuff like leaving with the kids on the night of a blow up.
Anyone been at this juncture.
Truly testing my LRM mettal to call her bluff.
Thanks for help
Trust
Me41 W38 M7 T10
SD 16 SS13 D6
ILYBINILWY 3/12
Vera, I saw Crazy Stupid Love last fall and it left me sad. But I still enjoyed it.
glad you had such a great day labug - and that movie sounds great - should take myself to see it one of these days
i hope the other side of 45 still means good things.
i started Melody Beattie's other book - 45 days to a miracle - i already loved th intro - and immediately wanted to type it out on here - a bit too long though
have you read it?
zig
Vera, I saw Crazy Stupid Love last fall and it left me sad. But I still enjoyed it.
I'm not brave enough for this yet but I hear there is a fine young gentleman actor in it with nice abs, so I'm tempted...
I'm not brave enough for this yet but I hear there is a fine young gentleman actor in it with nice abs, so I'm tempted...
Yes!! Once you are strong enough, it is worth the watch
wow..and men are the pigs? lmao.. im kidding. im glad to hear you are doing things that you enjoy. i've been thinking i might like going to a movie by myself...idk