Hi,
I am H/30 my W/30 said she needed space and wanted me to leave our apartment 6 days ago. I left after pleading with her for a bit. This last week has been turmoil. I feel very anxious and scared. I gave her space didn’t call or write until this Saturday (4 days apart) and she keeps telling me she needs more time. I told her that I am moving to my parents and that if she wants space she has to pay the rent on the apartment. She called me on Sunday and said that she wanted me to move into the apartment, that she would move out, and that it would give me a place to study (im in law school). She would pay half the rent through June (I am guessing to give her more time to think about stuff.) I told her we could break the lease but that I didn’t feel comfortable moving back there. She told me she wanted me to move back so that everything didn’t get destroyed. We had a little talk and she said that she has a lot of hurt from over the last 11 years. We have fought a bunch over the time, but I didn’t realize that it was getting this bad. I told her calmly that I would think about moving back to the apartment if she was willing to at least try counseling. She said she would have to think about that, and that is where we are today. She wants to move in with some guy friends (one of which just bought the house) and that scares me.
Been married 3 years been together 11. No children.
I left after pleading with her for a bit.
Welcome to DB
You have to stop begging, pleading, and crying.
Let her go and give her SPACE.
Get the DR book and read it.
Find the 37 rules and read those.
Sorry you are on moderation right now but keep posting and reading and soon you will be off.
Why are you fighting so much?
Tell us more about what happens?
Are you at fault for any of the fights?
What can you do to FIX your 1/2 of the relationship?
Knowledge is POWER!
Keep us posted!
Give it time. I think you are on the right path. You need to not panic and be a man. (I struggle with it as well)
Here is a list for you to start with. hang in there and read other's post.
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes
"She wants to move in with some guy friends (one of which just bought the house) and that scares me."
Are you scared b/c you know in the pit of your stomach that one of them is not a guy friend? You can bet your apartment on it!
So I made it through my workweek. I still haven't heard from her. I am staying away and giving her space. It is starting to make me mad that she isn't letting me know if it's over, or what she is thinking. I dont think she is intending to start a relationship with the guys she is thinking of moving in with, but I don't know anymore I guess. Was wondering if I should just confront her and tell her she needs to figure it out or I am calling it quits and filing for divorce.
Time is on your side dont rush to do anything.
Fake it till you make it. Stay busy. Focus on you
So its been two weeks. I haven't talked with her since last Sunday (10 days ago). I have a friend who is getting divorced at about the same time and he already has two dates lined up. For some reason that makes me feel worse. I don't want to be with anyone else but the thought of dating might make me feel better. Yesterday I switched my phone off of our family plan. She was responsible for that bill and I was responsible for the electricity. I called and left her a message telling her that I moved my phone onto its own plan, and that I wanted to know how she is doing. Not sure if that was the right thing to do or not. I have started working out at a new club and am trying to fill my days with things to do. Still pretty scared anxious and upset.
Ty- you are not alone, I'm in the same boat as you, although my wife may be at a little more hostile mind set, she is to wrapped up in her affair, sadly there is nothing that can be done but wait until the grass is not as green.... but in the mean time exercise, take some classes, be happy with the new found freedom. Sometimes they will feed of your misery... sho no signs of it....
Tomorrow is D-day I think. We talked a bit on Wednesday and she is moving out of the apartment and in with some guy friends. I have decided not to think about her situation and concentrate on mine. I know I can't just live not knowing what is going on so I asked for either a structured separation (monogamy, 3 months, talk once a week) or divorce. I am pretty sure she has settled on divorce. It is sad but I think it is for the best. If we reconnect down the road it would mean a lot of work on both our parts.
Sorry for not updating more regularly. This week has been really hard. On Friday I spoke with her and she told me she wanted a month to think about things and to get counseling. She said after that month if we are both amicable then we could do couples therapy. Everyone seems to think that this is a good sign. Especially because she wasn't even talking to me before. However, its just hard because I feel like I am in a waiting pattern. I have been GAL. I went to Oakland Ca, to visit my sister on Friday. Friends to the movies on Saturday and Hiking with a girlfriend on Monday. However, especially in the morning, or when things don't go well at work I feel like breaking down.
Did you read DR or DB? It sounds like everyone is giving suggestions but you're not acknowledging anyone. Are you here to learn how to get your M back on track or are you just venting?
Oh, so she is in Fresno with the doctor guy who I got all freaked out about. She is helping him perform surgeries all week and then going with her dad to visit relatives in Los Angeles. Both those things scare me. First I know that this doctor was grooming her out of our relationship. Second she has a cousin in LA who is a flirt and someone my wife always tries to emulate. She told me that during the month of space she wants us to be monogomous. That she isn't interested in anyone else. However, I don't know what to believe because I never thought we would be in this situation in the first place. I know I am not going to cheat, even if she does. Not for the month. That's not the kind of person I want to be. I think she is the same but now unsure.
Hi tyefer.
It does sound like a positive step that she is willing to possibly try MC. Good for you for GAL. The hard times feel like they won't stop but they do if you can stick to the DB principles and work on yourself.
Earlier you mentioned that you gave her the option to D or separate. Stop talking about D if that is what you do not want or you will push her out the door.
What were some of her complaints about your relationship? Are you doing any 180s? What short-term goals are you working on?
I guess more importantly - have you read DB/DR?
Keep posting as you feel the need to.
Hey MR. Bond. I have been listening to the sugestions of others. I am following the steps. I have not broke down in front of her. No begging, pleeding.... I am getting a life. I go to the gym every other day (if not more often). I am seeing a Psych and reading a book on Cognative Behavior Therapy. I ordered DR and DB off Amazon and am waiting for them to show up. I am not just here to vent, but venting does help.
No problem with the venting. You should acknowledge the people who post to you though so you can get better help and they know that they're aren't just spinning their wheels.
"She told me that during the month of space she wants us to be monogomous."
Stop letting her dictate how things are going to go. How often does she call you?
I have OCD and high anxiety. One of my major 180's is to not ruminate on the situation and repetivly call my wife. Her major complaints were that she wasn't were she wanted to be in life. She felt that I was unsupportive of her Vet School Dream (She wanted to go to school in the Carribean and I told her that might ruin our marriage). I accused her of cheating a few times, mainly after an incident when I caught her trying to hide her phone from me. I have had trust issues in the past. But I had for a long time done much better and continually worked on them. Right now I am giving her the space that she asked for. I think that's the biggest 180 I can do. I do not contact her. I let her contact me.
She hasn't called me at all. Before she left town she asked me to take care of are cat. She just emailed though. I think it is too painful for her to see me.
Are you taking any anti-anxiety meds? The stress of this situation on top of being on law school right now would be enough to send anyone's anxiety through the roof. Some others on the board have indicated that xanax was helpful for them, at least temporarily.
yeah I have started taking proper medication. I know the fact that I am in Law School and working 45 hours a week is a big reason that I find myself in this situation. I am also working on CBT to combat anxiety.