Help before I mess everything up part 2 - 05/06/12 10:08 PM
link coming
Re: Help before I mess everything up part 2 - 05/06/12 10:08 PM
Wow, it's been 2 months since I last posted on here. Time really does fly!
So, I guess I'm back cos I need some support and advice about what to do next.
The situation is that me and W are getting on better than we were in the past and she talks about 'us' in the future rather than 'her' although she till talks to me like dirt most of the time and I can't do anything right, I'm still living seperetly which is what we both still want at the moment. I'm absolutely certain now that this is her having a MLC and isn't WAW wife syndrome, I could write a book on why I think that is the case!
But we/I'm kind of stuck, I dont get angry anymore, we've stopped talking on Sunday evening as that wasnt getting us anywhere and just kept opening up old wounds but because shes been ill I've been round there a lot more and (as she says) she can bear to be around me more now. I just privately get frustrated at times that things are going so slowly and I am getting very very lonely.I think what hasn't helped is although I had got quite detached, I got sucked back in quite a bit while she was ill (gallbladder problems) and it felt like the situation was getting better but I applied a little pressure yesterday and didn't get anywhere and managed to annoy her a bit - mind you everything I do seems to annoy her!
It really feels like shes pushing me away but also keeping me close all the time.
So any suggestions as to what to do next? I still haven't mastered the art of patience although I am getting better at it. I realised that now shes getting better from her gallbladder problem I need to detach more again and GAL again, but any other suggestions will be greatfully received.
DBing isn't really working in this situation as shes so caught up in mental confusion/depression that it doesn't really help but I am very strictly following the mantra " Is what I'm about to do going to help or hinder my marriage" and that has helped me push through some tense and tough times as well as go that extra mile at other times.
So, I guess I'm back cos I need some support and advice about what to do next.
The situation is that me and W are getting on better than we were in the past and she talks about 'us' in the future rather than 'her' although she till talks to me like dirt most of the time and I can't do anything right, I'm still living seperetly which is what we both still want at the moment. I'm absolutely certain now that this is her having a MLC and isn't WAW wife syndrome, I could write a book on why I think that is the case!
But we/I'm kind of stuck, I dont get angry anymore, we've stopped talking on Sunday evening as that wasnt getting us anywhere and just kept opening up old wounds but because shes been ill I've been round there a lot more and (as she says) she can bear to be around me more now. I just privately get frustrated at times that things are going so slowly and I am getting very very lonely.I think what hasn't helped is although I had got quite detached, I got sucked back in quite a bit while she was ill (gallbladder problems) and it felt like the situation was getting better but I applied a little pressure yesterday and didn't get anywhere and managed to annoy her a bit - mind you everything I do seems to annoy her!
It really feels like shes pushing me away but also keeping me close all the time.
So any suggestions as to what to do next? I still haven't mastered the art of patience although I am getting better at it. I realised that now shes getting better from her gallbladder problem I need to detach more again and GAL again, but any other suggestions will be greatfully received.
DBing isn't really working in this situation as shes so caught up in mental confusion/depression that it doesn't really help but I am very strictly following the mantra " Is what I'm about to do going to help or hinder my marriage" and that has helped me push through some tense and tough times as well as go that extra mile at other times.
Re: Help before I mess everything up part 2 - 05/06/12 10:11 PM
Re: Help before I mess everything up part 2 - 05/07/12 02:49 AM
Originally Posted By: Denton
any suggestions as to what to do next?
Keep DBing... GAL... learn patience...
If your W really is MLC, don't doubt that DBing is helping. It is likely it just isn't showing results yet, because until your W starts coming out the other side, she will be unable to process and integrate (accept and appreciate) your improvements. My understanding is, if a S is MLC, they remember the positive actions and language in which we conduct ourselves.
If they end up being someone we want to R with, then so be it. If not, then so be it. If they can handle the damage and believe we are truly there for them even with all that has happened and they can forgive themselves, then they might find their way back and ask to R.
If your W is MLC, then all you have is time... how you spend it and how you interact with your W is up to you... the better you handle yourself and the sitch, perhaps the more likely there will be a positive outcome...
Re: Help before I mess everything up part 2 - 05/07/12 10:27 AM
Thanks KD, she does notice some improvements but doesn't outwardly acknowledge them positively, eg there's one thing that really annoyed her in the past which I accidently did the other day, so out of 1000 opportunities to do this thing she picked up on the 1 time I did. I guess when I say DBing doesn't work I mean I don't ever get positive results just not negative results and I will keep doing them, but a lot of them are now my natural behaviour. Going to get back to looking for more 180's though, I had fun doing opposites and seeing the reaction.
Theres not much more I can do to be a perfect husband at the moment and I actually ask her if theres anything I'm doing wrong or would like me to do every week and normally the answers no.
Theres not much more I can do to be a perfect husband at the moment and I actually ask her if theres anything I'm doing wrong or would like me to do every week and normally the answers no.
Re: Help before I mess everything up part 2 - 05/07/12 04:00 PM
You do sound like you are doing the right things to at least keep the road home paved and smooth, as it were...
I find that I can do something positive and not have it recognized or sometimes I will get a "thank you"... it's rare... if I do something negative or really and persistently "poke the bear" I CAN get a negative reaction... not always, but usually... yet even if it is really "bad", my W still will not file or even threaten D... she does everything in her power to outwardly not emotionally connect with me, whether it is positive OR negative...
So yeah, even the negative stuff doesn't get much response... it's like those times when you are out and about, maybe in a bush walk, and see movement in the periphery of your vision, yet when you look directly at the spot you thought you saw movement, there is none... you begin to discount your own senses and instincts...
Have fun with the 180s... and have fun with life... just try to keep on the high road, even if you finally decide you are done... if nothing else, you will know that no matter the results of a R of the M or a D... you had a positive impact...
BTW, my W actually said to me recently, "You're a good guy, you just have some sh1T to figure out." She just can't seem to come up with any examples of the things I need to figure out...
??? 
I find that I can do something positive and not have it recognized or sometimes I will get a "thank you"... it's rare... if I do something negative or really and persistently "poke the bear" I CAN get a negative reaction... not always, but usually... yet even if it is really "bad", my W still will not file or even threaten D... she does everything in her power to outwardly not emotionally connect with me, whether it is positive OR negative...
So yeah, even the negative stuff doesn't get much response... it's like those times when you are out and about, maybe in a bush walk, and see movement in the periphery of your vision, yet when you look directly at the spot you thought you saw movement, there is none... you begin to discount your own senses and instincts...
Have fun with the 180s... and have fun with life... just try to keep on the high road, even if you finally decide you are done... if nothing else, you will know that no matter the results of a R of the M or a D... you had a positive impact...
BTW, my W actually said to me recently, "You're a good guy, you just have some sh1T to figure out." She just can't seem to come up with any examples of the things I need to figure out...
???
Re: Help before I mess everything up part 2 - 05/07/12 10:55 PM
Yeah, apparently everything is my fault too! She's got to the stage over the last few months of changing everything else in her life, she wants a new job, new house, re-decorate the whole house, moving furniture around, getting new furniture, wanting to lose weight (while eating loads!), etc etc, all stuff that is not normal behaviour for her. What really throws me at times is she has a right go at me one minute and then doing things like making me coffee the next (which she never did when we were alright!) and then there's the laughing, angry and crying and then back to laughing again in literally 5 mins.
What's good I guess is our R is starting to feel like it did before the whole Nick situation, which is a positive I think, and over the last week she has asked me twice how I am, which I think is the first time in about 6 months. And after our big 'upset' Saturday night when I pushed it a little the next day she cooked my favourite tea.
I really wish I could hold a mirror upto her and give her a clear mind for a while so she could see how she behaves at times.
Oh well, back to playing it cool but being available and ready to help where possible.
What's good I guess is our R is starting to feel like it did before the whole Nick situation, which is a positive I think, and over the last week she has asked me twice how I am, which I think is the first time in about 6 months. And after our big 'upset' Saturday night when I pushed it a little the next day she cooked my favourite tea.
I really wish I could hold a mirror upto her and give her a clear mind for a while so she could see how she behaves at times.
Oh well, back to playing it cool but being available and ready to help where possible.
Re: Help before I mess everything up part 2 - 05/08/12 09:57 PM
Journaling - but feel free to comment...
So I've really got back into this site again reading up more on MLC, been crying like a baby over some parts, which for someone who hasn't cried for over 10 years till the **** hit the fan 6 months ago is really freaky for me.
Over the weekend I got really low and I mean REALLY low which led me to stirring the pot which is when I tested the waters a little on Saturday night where I told her I was feeling very very lonely and she started crying and apologised for making me feel that way, then I tried to get her to talk about her feelings and wouldn't take no for answer for over half an hour, this was due to frustration from just wanting to help her and get a better picture of what was going on and really upset her in the process. Sunday morning I didn't go round like usual for Sunday and she rang asking what was going on and I said I just needed time to think, I was close to giving up on the R and life. But a very long drive and some window shopping (I am a bloke honest!) helped me calm down and went round later in the day to find she was cooking my favourite sunday roast with all MY favourite trimmings! This was nice considering I didn't exactly behave the best the previous night. I then spent most of the afternoon with the kids planting seeds in the garden. Another thing she said was that I annoyed her by going round everyday last week and texting her more often - this was a continuation of me going round everyday when she was ill to look after her/the kids and do housework, as it felt right like things were getting better between us. After thinking about it and kinda been confirmed by reading on here that it may just have been too much and she was effectively saying back off a little. The old analogy of the feral cat/squirrel comes to mind.
Monday I went round in the afternoon to babysit while she went out with her sister and a mutual friend but left soon after the were back. Today I didn't text her all day and at 6pm she rang me asking me about a random tax letter she found on the table, easily could of waited till tomorrow when I normally go round but I hung on till the end- must remember to finish the conversation myself!
Also shes been really confused lately eg. shes been looking at getting an xbox and kinect (2 weeks ago it was a new laptop) and she genuinely thought the 4gb version had more memory than the 250gb version and couldn't fathom it out and yes normally she would know the difference!
The trigger for this whole MLC I'm sure was her dad dying just over 3 years ago so I reckon she has been in it for almost 3 years and thinking back the last couple of years haven't been good and I think it really needed to come to a head and it feels like she is starting to come out of it slowly. My biggest fear at the moment is wether I can hang on long enough - I just need to detach more again, which I've done alright with today and really need to GAL again after her illness/operation.
Thanks for listening!
So I've really got back into this site again reading up more on MLC, been crying like a baby over some parts, which for someone who hasn't cried for over 10 years till the **** hit the fan 6 months ago is really freaky for me.
Over the weekend I got really low and I mean REALLY low which led me to stirring the pot which is when I tested the waters a little on Saturday night where I told her I was feeling very very lonely and she started crying and apologised for making me feel that way, then I tried to get her to talk about her feelings and wouldn't take no for answer for over half an hour, this was due to frustration from just wanting to help her and get a better picture of what was going on and really upset her in the process. Sunday morning I didn't go round like usual for Sunday and she rang asking what was going on and I said I just needed time to think, I was close to giving up on the R and life. But a very long drive and some window shopping (I am a bloke honest!) helped me calm down and went round later in the day to find she was cooking my favourite sunday roast with all MY favourite trimmings! This was nice considering I didn't exactly behave the best the previous night. I then spent most of the afternoon with the kids planting seeds in the garden. Another thing she said was that I annoyed her by going round everyday last week and texting her more often - this was a continuation of me going round everyday when she was ill to look after her/the kids and do housework, as it felt right like things were getting better between us. After thinking about it and kinda been confirmed by reading on here that it may just have been too much and she was effectively saying back off a little. The old analogy of the feral cat/squirrel comes to mind.
Monday I went round in the afternoon to babysit while she went out with her sister and a mutual friend but left soon after the were back. Today I didn't text her all day and at 6pm she rang me asking me about a random tax letter she found on the table, easily could of waited till tomorrow when I normally go round but I hung on till the end- must remember to finish the conversation myself!
Also shes been really confused lately eg. shes been looking at getting an xbox and kinect
(2 weeks ago it was a new laptop) and she genuinely thought the 4gb version had more memory than the 250gb version and couldn't fathom it out and yes normally she would know the difference!The trigger for this whole MLC I'm sure was her dad dying just over 3 years ago so I reckon she has been in it for almost 3 years and thinking back the last couple of years haven't been good and I think it really needed to come to a head and it feels like she is starting to come out of it slowly. My biggest fear at the moment is wether I can hang on long enough - I just need to detach more again, which I've done alright with today and really need to GAL again after her illness/operation.
Thanks for listening!
Re: Help before I mess everything up part 2 - 05/08/12 10:06 PM
Originally Posted By: Denton
Over the weekend I got really low and I mean REALLY low which led me to stirring the pot which is when I tested the waters a little on Saturday night where I told her I was feeling very very lonely and she started crying and apologised for making me feel that way, then I tried to get her to talk about her feelings and wouldn't take no for answer for over half an hour, this was due to frustration from just wanting to help her and get a better picture of what was going on and really upset her in the process. Sunday morning I didn't go round like usual for Sunday and she rang asking what was going on and I said I just needed time to think, I was close to giving up on the R and life. But a very long drive and some window shopping (I am a bloke honest!) helped me calm down and went round later in the day to find she was cooking my favourite sunday roast with all MY favourite trimmings! This was nice considering I didn't exactly behave the best the previous night.
That is nice. I hope you were able to thank her with genuine emotion and leave it at that
Originally Posted By: Denton
Another thing she said was that I annoyed her by going round everyday last week and texting her more often - this was a continuation of me going round everyday when she was ill to look after her/the kids and do housework, as it felt right like things were getting better between us. After thinking about it and kinda been confirmed by reading on here that it may just have been too much and she was effectively saying back off a little. The old analogy of the feral cat/squirrel comes to mind.
I don't know that analogy and I'm not sure I want to, but at least she was giving you direct feedback about behaviors that were bothering her. I don't think she was effectively saying to back off, she was DEFINITELY saying to back off! Time to back off a bit!
Originally Posted By: Denton
Today I didn't text her all day and at 6pm she rang me asking me about a random tax letter she found on the table, easily could of waited till tomorrow when I normally go round but I hung on till the end- must remember to finish the conversation myself!
Good for you - see, she reached out to you first! Don't beat yourself up about not finishing the conversation first. It seems like some of the rules are easier to remember and practice once you've messed them up!
Maybe set yourself a few goals - 1 day without texting, 2 days without texting, etc. Then you'll feel better after seeing that you can do it.
Re: Help before I mess everything up part 2 - 05/08/12 10:34 PM
Three years? That's a long time to keep up your patience. I'm trying to think back to when my H MLC might have started. At least a year ago, maybe 1 1/2 years, but with him being more and more sure he must have a D to move on, it's really hard to detach and still try to have hope.
I wish you the best of luck. Be thankful that she is still giving you the opportunity to be in her life, even if she keeps changing her mind.
I wish you the best of luck. Be thankful that she is still giving you the opportunity to be in her life, even if she keeps changing her mind.
Re: Help before I mess everything up part 2 - 05/08/12 11:02 PM
Hi, I believe I am very fortunate ( considering others sitchs) that the real heavy stuff has only been going on for about 6-9 months although things have been tough for a couple of years it felt more like a phase that marriages go through and we were both so busy working and bringing up 3 young kids that in a way it was hardly noticed and I guess I sub consciously put up barriers to a lot of the crap. Like I said, compared to some sitchs on here it's like a walk in the park and it's always felt like she has held onto reality just a little the whole time and not gone completely off the rails like some others have.
Re: Help before I mess everything up part 2 - 05/09/12 06:39 AM
Hey Denton, just wanted to put a point on those time that you might feel real down. I hope that you are just verbalizing that you have "given up on life" but wouldn't act on it. If you have any serious thoughts about that, please talk to a professional about those thoughts.
I got a kick out of you asserting your masculinity after saying you were window shopping... lol... Hey, no fear... I window shop a lot, too... I just call it... "price comparing".
IF your W is MLC, confusion can be quite a big factor. Trying to figure out simple things can be difficult for them. My W recently asked me to figure out summer schedule with the kids (there's some conflicts) because I'm better at scheduling than she is... huh? That from someone who has scheduled our entire 12 years together and puts together conferences for hundreds of participants... Yeah, their brains can be a little... London Fog like... 
Only you know if you can "hang on" long enough. Honestly, I'd recommend not focusing on hanging on. Summer's here... spend some time with your mates catching some football games... or cricket... if you're into that kind of thing... lol...
IF your W is MLC (and she could likely be), then on some of the "best" time lines, your W might only be about half way through. GAL will be very important for you to make it through this. Some of the more "high functioning" MLCers might go through quicker... the low functioning ones... those who are really stuck on denial... they seem to take a tad longer...
I got a kick out of you asserting your masculinity after saying you were window shopping... lol... Hey, no fear... I window shop a lot, too... I just call it... "price comparing".
IF your W is MLC, confusion can be quite a big factor. Trying to figure out simple things can be difficult for them. My W recently asked me to figure out summer schedule with the kids (there's some conflicts) because I'm better at scheduling than she is... huh?
That from someone who has scheduled our entire 12 years together and puts together conferences for hundreds of participants... Yeah, their brains can be a little... London Fog like... Only you know if you can "hang on" long enough. Honestly, I'd recommend not focusing on hanging on. Summer's here... spend some time with your mates catching some football games... or cricket... if you're into that kind of thing... lol...
IF your W is MLC (and she could likely be), then on some of the "best" time lines, your W might only be about half way through. GAL will be very important for you to make it through this. Some of the more "high functioning" MLCers might go through quicker... the low functioning ones... those who are really stuck on denial... they seem to take a tad longer...
Re: Help before I mess everything up part 2 - 05/09/12 07:28 AM
Originally Posted By: verab754
That is nice. I hope you were able to thank her with genuine emotion and leave it at that
Yep sure did, although after reading through this website again I feel I've missed opportunities to thank her and give her affirmations (her 2nd LL)
Originally Posted By: verab754
I don't know that analogy and I'm not sure I want to, but at least she was giving you direct feedback about behaviors that were bothering her. I don't think she was effectively saying to back off, she was DEFINITELY saying to back off! Time to back off a bit!
The analogy is quite innocent! Basically to tame a feral cat or a wild squirrel you hold your hand out with food slowly and patiently and wait for it to come to you, as it starts to trust you more, maybe take a step towards and see how they react but if you take too many steps they will run away and you start all over again. And yeah I got the back off message and am doing.
Originally Posted By: verab754
Good for you - see, she reached out to you first! Don't beat yourself up about not finishing the conversation first. It seems like some of the rules are easier to remember and practice once you've messed them up!
Maybe set yourself a few goals - 1 day without texting, 2 days without texting, etc. Then you'll feel better after seeing that you can do it.At the very beginning of the sitch I went all week without
communication, it's just that I got sucked back in with her illness and feeling things were getting better. I think I needed her too say to me 'leave me alone' to stop it, saturday night really pushed me away again and that helped, yesterday was easier to not contact her.
Re: Help before I mess everything up part 2 - 05/09/12 07:45 AM
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
Hey Denton, just wanted to put a point on those time that you might feel real down. I hope that you are just verbalizing that you have "given up on life" but wouldn't act on it. If you have any serious thoughts about that, please talk to a professional about those thoughts.
It wasn't really serious but it was more serious than I felt for a long time, I've snapped out of it now, I don't feel it was due to my sitch completely, rather I think that it was just everything getting on top of me for a short time period.
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
IF your W is MLC, confusion can be quite a big factor. Trying to figure out simple things can be difficult for them. My W recently asked me to figure out summer schedule with the kids (there's some conflicts) because I'm better at scheduling than she is... huh?
That from someone who has scheduled our entire 12 years together and puts together conferences for hundreds of participants... Yeah, their brains can be a little... London Fog like... Yeah, it's one of many, many 'symptoms' that's convinced me it's MLC rather than anything else
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
GAL will be very important for you to make it through this. Some of the more "high functioning" MLCers might go through quicker... the low functioning ones... those who are really stuck on denial... they seem to take a tad longer...
Yeah, I am more focussed on this again now, Saturday night really pushed me away again which is a good thing, I've always thought she still has a slight grip on reality and I'm hoping that her having plenty of space due to our living arrangements will help her come through it quicker.
Re: Help before I mess everything up part 2 - 05/09/12 12:59 PM
Originally Posted By: Denton
Yep sure did, although after reading through this website again I feel I've missed opportunities to thank her and give her affirmations (her 2nd LL)
Again - now that you feel like you've missed the opportunity, you'll be more aware of it next time. I've done the same thing plenty of times! That's part of the process.
Re: Help before I mess everything up part 2 - 08/02/12 09:37 PM
OMG, I can't believe it's been nearly 3 months since I last posted on here! I'm back again for a bit of an update and a bit of advice - things have improved a lot between us over the months, I'm round there nearly every night and she seems comfortable in my presence, we have a bit of a laugh - well as much as we can after being knackered from both working full time and occasionally she is a bit moody (and TBH so am I but it feels more to do with tiredness than hostility between us. I'm not anti depressants any more for the first time in about 8 years, I don't have any trouble controlling my anger any more, although I do get a tiny bit angry at times it is easily controllable. Whenever we talk about things in the future it's always about us , still not talking about the relationship though, we did have a bit of a more serious chat a few weeks ago but it was very short and it was me testing the water and she got very defensive so I changed the subject quickly. I still see a counsellor every week but instead of it all being about my R it's become a 50/50 of my R and dealing with long overdue sorting out of my own personal issues whereas at the beggining of the sitch it was a minute by minute account of my R that week.I've also tested the water with a letter 1 month ago explaining to her how much I love her and how sorry I was for my part in the whole thing, I wrote it deliberetly so she didn't feel the need to reply and I just wanted to make clear to her that I do because at the very beggining she was under the impression I didn't!?! It was also in my mind not a begging/chasing letter (although obviously it was a little bit) It took me 3 weeks before I was ready to give it to her and I was confident enough to give it to her and not expect a reply, she was quite moody for a few days after, not major but I got the impression that it wasn't the right time for anything else like that yet, it was more of a cheeseless tunnel thing because although I am more settled in the situation I want this whole situation to improve a bit quicker because I don't like leaving her or the kids at night to go back to where I'm staying.
She has occasionally been going out to nightclubs with her friends and she keeps asking me for permission and I've almost literally pushed her out the door to go out (a massive and very hard to do 180) and I've stopped asking about her night at all, like did she have a nice time, who was she with, where did she go etc. I don't ask a thing but she tells me all about it now anyway and I just smile and say something like, I'm glad you had a nice time. I feel I've been tested a LOT over the last few months and I think I've passed with flying colours and a good indication of how things have improved, last week I got a text from her at half one in the morning telling me we'd caught a mouse in a mouse trap we set earlier that evening!, compare that to 7 months ago where she wanted to be left alone and was going on all about her independence.
I've got to the stage where I don't feel at all in limbo anymore and I realise I have the power and I'm in control of my life and I can walk away anytime I want. I still love her more than anything in the world and I absolutely want us to have a great future together and all the signs are positive (and looking back all the signs have been positive ) but they don't teach you this kind of stuff at school and nothing can prepare you for it at all. Still feel like shes going through MLC/depression but I feel like I'm helping her with it rather than hindering her now.
I want to take this opportunity to thank everybody that has helped me and for everybody who helps others you've been invaluable and made a real difference and taught me a lot.You are real Angels and it's amazing that you help complete strangers in their time of need. Unfortunetly I don't have the time to comment on other peoples threads and even if I did it hurts to much to read them and think about how to answer them. I may post on here again, I may not but wanted to say this.
It's funny, the answers I was looking for at the beggining of this post have come to me while writing it.
I was wondering what to do next but I see that through the whole timeline things have improved, just not at the speed I want so once again I need to dig deep and find more patience and carry on with what I've been doing and occasionally just put the feelers out to see what the reaction is.
Once again guys from the bottom of my heart THANKYOU.
ps. Any advice you do want to give is welcome
She has occasionally been going out to nightclubs with her friends and she keeps asking me for permission and I've almost literally pushed her out the door to go out (a massive and very hard to do 180) and I've stopped asking about her night at all, like did she have a nice time, who was she with, where did she go etc. I don't ask a thing but she tells me all about it now anyway and I just smile and say something like, I'm glad you had a nice time. I feel I've been tested a LOT over the last few months and I think I've passed with flying colours and a good indication of how things have improved, last week I got a text from her at half one in the morning telling me we'd caught a mouse in a mouse trap we set earlier that evening!, compare that to 7 months ago where she wanted to be left alone and was going on all about her independence.
I've got to the stage where I don't feel at all in limbo anymore and I realise I have the power and I'm in control of my life and I can walk away anytime I want. I still love her more than anything in the world and I absolutely want us to have a great future together and all the signs are positive (and looking back all the signs have been positive ) but they don't teach you this kind of stuff at school and nothing can prepare you for it at all. Still feel like shes going through MLC/depression but I feel like I'm helping her with it rather than hindering her now.
I want to take this opportunity to thank everybody that has helped me and for everybody who helps others you've been invaluable and made a real difference and taught me a lot.You are real Angels and it's amazing that you help complete strangers in their time of need. Unfortunetly I don't have the time to comment on other peoples threads and even if I did it hurts to much to read them and think about how to answer them. I may post on here again, I may not but wanted to say this.
It's funny, the answers I was looking for at the beggining of this post have come to me while writing it.
I was wondering what to do next but I see that through the whole timeline things have improved, just not at the speed I want so once again I need to dig deep and find more patience and carry on with what I've been doing and occasionally just put the feelers out to see what the reaction is.
Once again guys from the bottom of my heart THANKYOU.
ps. Any advice you do want to give is welcome
Re: Help before I mess everything up part 2 - 08/03/12 01:16 AM
Great to hear from you Denton and to find that things are getting better for you.
As you've concluded, it does sound like you are on the right path and just need to keep moving forward, with patience.
Unless, you want to try something different? Not different in the sense of no longer doing what you are doing, which appears to be working...
Rather... try something different IN ADDITION TO what you are doing that is working...
What might that be?
I will ask you a very good question that was asked of me a couple months ago:
+ If you were to guess, what do you think your W really wants from you? What do you think would fill her heart?
As you've concluded, it does sound like you are on the right path and just need to keep moving forward, with patience.
Unless, you want to try something different? Not different in the sense of no longer doing what you are doing, which appears to be working...
Rather... try something different IN ADDITION TO what you are doing that is working...
What might that be?
I will ask you a very good question that was asked of me a couple months ago:
+ If you were to guess, what do you think your W really wants from you? What do you think would fill her heart?
Re: Help before I mess everything up part 2 - 08/03/12 06:34 AM
Hi KD I've asked myself the same question, I'm not sure what else I could do, the only thing that I could think of is win the lottery lol, which I am trying to do! I'm calm and happy most of the time, listen attentively when she talks about work or anything and ask questions, I do the majority of housework and take control of the kids whenever I'm there, if I get a hint from her that she would like help with anything I offer my help, I pay compliments when I feel they're genuine and agree with her on things the large majority of the time.If I do slip up on anything I apologise. I know I can improve further on all these things but I'm completely changing who I am (for me, because over the years I'd become a negative angry person and I never was that person and that was who I'd become in all my life, not just at home or in my R) and that takes time and I think I've made great progress and I'm doing my best to improve her confidence generally.
Any other ideas?
Any other ideas?
Re: Help before I mess everything up part 2 - 08/03/12 10:13 PM
Couple things...
I'm going to ask this in a leading way. Are you doing the majority of the housework because you WANT to?
IOW, are you looking for brownie points with your W or just because you like and want to?
I will believe you if you say you wrote the above because you are letting us know how you are improving yourself. It just comes off as though you are making a list of "look at me, I'm a good H and my W should notice and come back to me" thought.
Just an observation. Otherwise, if you are doing all of that, again, just because you want to and believe it is a great improvement to you, whether your M lasts or not... awesome...
The other bit was about your joke about winning the lottery.
Is that a complaint with your W? That money is in short supply? Or is it just something that you think would be great... again, regardless of your W or your M?
I'm going to ask this in a leading way. Are you doing the majority of the housework because you WANT to?
IOW, are you looking for brownie points with your W or just because you like and want to?
I will believe you if you say you wrote the above because you are letting us know how you are improving yourself. It just comes off as though you are making a list of "look at me, I'm a good H and my W should notice and come back to me" thought.
Just an observation. Otherwise, if you are doing all of that, again, just because you want to and believe it is a great improvement to you, whether your M lasts or not... awesome...
The other bit was about your joke about winning the lottery.
Is that a complaint with your W? That money is in short supply? Or is it just something that you think would be great... again, regardless of your W or your M?
Re: Help before I mess everything up part 2 - 08/07/12 10:29 PM
Hiya, I've taken a couple of days to really think about what you asked!
The housework thing is because it needs doing and she doesn't hardly do any,it did start out as a look at me thing but that was months ago, and I haven't fished for a compliment or a thank you for months either and that was probably only once or twice .But I do feel like I'm her slave at the moment and I am doing 90% of the housework but I've noticed recently she is trying a bit and my plan is to keep giving her positive encouragement when she does and hope she starts doing more in that way.
Money is in short supply but I really don't think I'm blamed for that by her, I do feel that she feels equally responsible for it and yeah more money regardless of M is always good!
I'm really trying hard to fulfil her every need, which I'm actually happy to do and don't feel the resentment like I have done in the past.
Like I said a few days ago, I'm round at home nearly all the time now and only come back to where I'm staying to sleep. And TBH my gut feeling is she likes me being around, another example is she comes home straight from work now, whereas in the past she would hang around talking to people for upto an hour and at the worst point admitted she did this to avoid coming home, now she comes straight home.
I sometimes wonder if she would prefer me not to go back to where I'm staying at night but isn't ready to say anything yet!
Thank you for your questions, it's making me think 'deeper' again.
The housework thing is because it needs doing and she doesn't hardly do any,it did start out as a look at me thing but that was months ago, and I haven't fished for a compliment or a thank you for months either and that was probably only once or twice .But I do feel like I'm her slave at the moment and I am doing 90% of the housework but I've noticed recently she is trying a bit and my plan is to keep giving her positive encouragement when she does and hope she starts doing more in that way.
Money is in short supply but I really don't think I'm blamed for that by her, I do feel that she feels equally responsible for it and yeah more money regardless of M is always good!
I'm really trying hard to fulfil her every need, which I'm actually happy to do and don't feel the resentment like I have done in the past.
Like I said a few days ago, I'm round at home nearly all the time now and only come back to where I'm staying to sleep. And TBH my gut feeling is she likes me being around, another example is she comes home straight from work now, whereas in the past she would hang around talking to people for upto an hour and at the worst point admitted she did this to avoid coming home, now she comes straight home.
I sometimes wonder if she would prefer me not to go back to where I'm staying at night but isn't ready to say anything yet!
Thank you for your questions, it's making me think 'deeper' again.