Here’s my story. I’ll try to keep it short, but I’ve been living it for the past year so it’ll be difficult. My H and I were married for three years at that point and one day, out of the blue, he says that he wants more kids (he has a 10 year old son from a previous relationship) and that if I don’t, we can’t be together. I was days away from starting my graduate program and didn’t feel financially stable enough to fully take care of his son (I am a super responsible, over planner!) so I needed time to think. I always thought I’d have all the time in the world if I wanted a child of my own, and H knew that most likely I didn’t. But I begin to realize that my mid 30s are drawing near and maybe I do want a child. I think a lot of this was brought on by his son’s stepfather joining the military and knowing that he wouldn’t have his son living a few towns away anymore.
At this point, he’s now saying that we have other problems, but we could work on those if we’d have children, but he couldn’t believe that I really wanted kids. Less than a month later, he’s dating a girl who has friends with drug issues and has had child protective services called on her for her not so great child rearing of her two boys. I love H dearly and want him to be happy. If he’s going to leave me for an awesome woman who loves kids and adores H, I’ll be sad, but glad that he’s happy. To see him with this girl who was the opposite of everything he wanted threw me for a loop.
By July, he’s decided that I should move out of the house so we can have space to think things over. We’ve had the house on the market since June, but no offers since I wanted the house for our family and if we’re not going to be together we need to get rid of it. We purchased it right before we married, so it’s in my name and even after putting 30K into repairs, we can’t get it sold. As hard as it is, I agree to move out, because I couldn’t stand the idea of being in the house by myself with all of the memories. At this point, he’d already broken up with the girl, but even though he knew she wasn’t right for him, he was still upset.
During the summer and fall, we tried to limit our contact, but occasionally spent time together. In December he surprised me by saying that we’d actually been dating, to see if we could work things out. I know how important the holidays are to him, so I spent both of them with his extended family, who really wish we could work things out. We went to a few sessions of counseling in January/February, but even though we both committed to six months of therapy, he said he was done after 3 meetings because he wasn’t sure if he even wanted to be married.
Now I’ve found out that he’s dating another girl. I think she has two kids and appears really young, so I think he’s just feeling depressed and wants attention. He doesn’t think he deserves any better. I really want to make a solid effort to try DB’ing because I think our problems are minor and if we tried, we could make it work. I’ve identified quite a few things I need to work on, even if this relationship doesn’t work out. I’m just not sure if I have false hope and should give up. All of the other divorce sites I’ve seen are about coping with the loss and moving on, but I still love my H and want to make things work. Any advice you can give me? I’d really appreciate it as this last year has been dreadful for me.
On my good days I'm able to convince myself that I just need to work on all of the issues I had/have that don't make me a good partner (being stubborn, always thinking I know what's right, being over responsible, etc.) and just live my life. If it's meant to be, it will be. But on my bad days, I just don't know how I could have screwed up so badly and if I will ever be happy again. I could really use some advice.
Welcome to the board.
Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
I'm trying to detach and GAL now. It's just so hard when, in the split second when the alarm goes off and I wake up to stop it, I remember that my H doesn't want to be with me right now. Fortunately, I have a 6am kickboxing class, so I have to get out of bed, but it's really difficult sometimes.
Having no expectations is also hard when I've spent my whole life planning every little detail. That's something I know I need to loosen up on because nothing ever goes according to plan. My H has always been over backwards for his friends, and in the beginning I was worried that I'd hurt him because he was just too nice and I had a hard time putting others first. He even told me that he was afraid I'd leave him because I was strong and didn't need him, so it's a shock to me that he's the one trying to get out. Now it's time for me to get back that strong, independent person I used to be; I just have to see where she's been hiding.
--journal
I spoke with H briefly over FB chat. I gave him the heads up that our joint friends and family can see his pictures, updates even if I can't so if he's trying to hide his OW, he needs to do a better job. Her new profile pic is of the two of them. I think she's in her very early 20s and has two kids, so I don't see it working out, but the thought of her with him still upsets me. He doesn't see it as a PA because as he said "we haven't been together in a while", although we were in counseling in early March. Either way, I know he sees himself as single right now, so I'm trying not to think too much about it and chalk it up to his MLC.
A few days ago I'd emailed him about picking up a package that was sent to the house and my engagement ring, which I'd told him to keep until he figured out what he wanted. He's made a decision, at least temporarily, so I wanted the ring back. I don't trust the new crowd he's hanging out with and was afraid it might get stolen from the house. I'd told him he could leave everything in the garage if he preferred, but of course I was hoping for the chance for him to see me, with my hair and makeup done, plus some new clothes! He said Monday would be best, and I said I could stop by after work around 1pm. He said he'd be back out of town but would leave it in the garage for me. I'm just disappointed that I won't even get a chance to see him. I know, more expectations, but it's just so hard to stop. I was feeling a little better, but now I'm queasy just like I have been. Sometimes I wish I could hate him and be glad he's gone, but I can never do that. Part of me will always care for him and worry about him.
I just hope that I can keep working on myself and GAL. And maybe he'll finally hit rock bottom and come to his senses. Then maybe we'll have a chance to make it work. It's been a year now and although I've had glimmers of hope, it just doesn't get any easier.
--journal
No contact is so difficult for me. I sent H one text today to thank him for letting me get another phone on the family plan. I'd been telling him that I was going to keep my somewhat working phone until August, when the contract was up and then I'd go to a prepaid plan since my plan would be too expensive for me as an individual. He'd been telling me to just get a new phone and stay on the plan, as it's only two years. But so much has happened in just the last year that I didn't want to risk it.
Anyway, my phone broke completely last Friday and he asked me again to just renew the contract. I was stressed and I know I'm stubborn, so I was probably difficult with him while choosing a phone. I sent a quick text thanking him for keeping me on the plan and letting him know that I did appreciate it, even if it didn't seem like it. I also admitted to being hard headed. Two hours later I got a response, and I waited three hours to send another. I usually responded within minutes, so that was a first for me. And in the last month or so, he'd tell me that I was the only one who'd respond to him right away, because none of his friends would. So I'm not sure if the late response is a good thing or not. Could that make him think I don't care as much about him? Or could that be good? Why does everything have to be so difficult.
I know that his primary love languages are words of affirmation and gifts. Mine are acts of service and quality time. I scored almost nothing on his two, so it was very difficult for me to love him in a way he could appreciate. He's been working out more recently and I can tell he's lost some weight. Would it be bad for me to mention how good he's looking? I know that he's with the OW because she probably tells him what he wants to hear. When I notice that he's doing something good, should I mention it because of his love language or just stay quiet for now?
I was thinking back of everything that happened before we separated. His son's stepfather joined the army three months before so we knew we had a chance of not seeing him for awhile. I took a month long trip to India before starting school, which I never would have done had I not been completely confident in our relationship, but wasn't able to call/email as much as I wanted while I was there. And his work contract, which I didn't think was up until April, ended up ending halfway through my trip. So he was lonely without me, had no work to keep his mind off things, and didn't feel useful without a job.
Our C, who we saw 3 or 4 times, asked him if he just got so upset at the idea of losing me during that time, that he decided to leave first so he wouldn't have to go through that again. He didn't reply, but I think that's a good possibility. He told me before that he always thought I'd leave him because I was so much better. So he's depressed and possibly in a MLC. I'm trying to do a 180, but I'm not really sure what to do and don't want to abandon him if he really needs help. Even though he doesn't want me as his wife right now, I'd hate to abandon him if he really needs someone to be there. If (and when) things ends with the OW, I know he'll be really upset and I don't want him to feel that he has no one he can talk to. I just don't know what to do.
--journaling
I think the nights are the hardest. H would go out with friends, and me being an early bird, and usually working weekends, I'd usually turn him down. I'd tell him to have a good night and I'd be there when he got home. I'd stay in bed and read a book before going to bed early. And now I'm in my apt, reading relationship books, and wishing I still have the opportunity to go out with him. I was lazy and always thought I'd have another chance, so I can see why H would find an OW who just hangs out with friends all the time. Not that I agree with him finding someone else, but I can see the reasons. I'm an introvert and would much rather be at home w H, but I knew going out was important to him.
If I do get another chance, I'm going to try to make every effort to spend time with him around others, so that he doesn't feel as if he's alone when everyone else is coupled off, and let him know how much I appreciate him. Our M wasn't perfect, but I was happy and had no idea how much he was hurting. And I slept so much better when he was in the bed with me. When he traveled, I never slept as well and these months of being in this apt have been tough, although until about March, he'd invite me to sleep over pretty often. Even though I wasn't sure it was a good idea, I'd usually go over because I missed being with him and wanted to show him that I was trying.
I've always been the strong silent one and this past year has just unleashed all of these emotions. He'd been wanting those from me, and I just couldn't figure out how to do it until it was pretty much too late. I'm glad that I've found this site, because otherwise I'd be tempted to write all of my feelings in an email but that's never gone well. I can't give up on my M, but I just don't know what to do.
And it hurts when I realize that words of affirmation show him that he's loved, and I would nag about little things and he couldn't do anything perfect or fast enough. So even though I didn't realize it, I was showing him that I didn't respect or love him. None of the stuff I nagged about was really important in the grand scheme of things and it all seems so trivial now.
And my fear that he's spiraling into depression doesn't make me feel any better. I really had no idea what I was doing when I got into a relationship and it hurts that I'm only figuring it out when it may be too late to fix this one.
---journaling
I'm so glad that I found this site. Everyone else I know is telling me that my H wants a divorce and I need to move on and eventually I'll be happy with someone else. They don't understand that I truly committed to my marriage and I still love H completely. He drives me insane at times, but I knew that before I married him. And I think he's having a MLC, or at least all the symptoms, so I don't want to give up on him or he might get even worse.
I am trying to detach and not think about the specifics of what is going on. I'm just thankful that he hasn't filed for D yet, so I'll take it day by day until then. When I do communicate by text, I've been complimenting him, because I wasn't very good at doing that before and I'm trying. I know it doesn't mean much now because he has OW who I'm sure is being even nicer and is new and exciting to boot, but I'm still going to make an effort.
I don't want to give up, not as long as I still have hope that we can make it work. I've realized that he has to make the decision to want to be with me, I can't pull him to therapy or push him to read books so that he'll come to the same conclusion as I did. I have to let go and let him figure things out on his own, as hard as that is for me.
I've realized that he has to make the decision to want to be with me, I can't pull him to therapy or push him to read books so that he'll come to the same conclusion as I did.
I have to let go and let him figure things out on his own, as hard as that is for me.
Exactly.
Keep posting and working on yourself
--journaling
I woke up at 3am just thinking of everything that's happened over the past year. I tried to remind myself that H hasn't filed for D yet, so there's still a chance, but am afraid that he's just being nice and not filing until the house is sold so it will be easier to split everything up. I also remembered that we have joint credit cards that he uses for work travel and I'd told him that as soon as D was filed, those would all be canceled since I'm the primary card holder.
So now I'm wondering if he really is done, but he needs the credit to be able to travel for work and until he gets a new job with a company card or a job without high reimbursed expenses, he's just giving me (very slight) hope. That didn't make it any easier to go to sleep.
I've also thought more about the OW situation. Everyone he was with before me was much younger. He'd date the girls who had no long term goals or ambitions, and just let things happen. I'm not sure if it's because he got to be in charge, or if he also didn't have to worry about planning anything.
So dating me was the complete opposite side of the spectrum. I supported myself, had plans for the future, and was having a happy life before I met him.
So this new girl gives him attention (although I'm not really sure how she has time for that with two small kids of her own) and doesn't nag him about household responsibilities. I have to ease up on asking about the house/financial decisions because right now it will only come across as nagging.
He had said he'd put my box in the garage today to pick up, but it wasn't there when I went there. It's not a huge deal and I know he went out of town today, so I'm going to keep to NC and not ask about it. I'm going to try really hard not to contact him and see how long it takes before he initiates anything. I am afraid that I'll be "out of sight, out of mind" and he'll completely move on, but I can't do anything about that. We've been together for over 6 years now, and I know he was happy before, even if he doesn't really remember that now. I just need to give him time to get through this MLC and decide what he really wants out of life.
So, I just got an interesting text from H. --There goes another one. I texted back and found out that the OW broke up with him since he's not actually divorced. That doesn't mean they won't get back together, but for right now it might be over. He still doesn't want to be with me, but I can stop seeing images of the two of them together for at least a day or so. But I find it interesting that as soon as he's upset over it, he tells me immediately.
So, now I found out that he wants to file immediately, so he won't have another girl break up with him because he's still married. So my hopes are really dwindling at this point. H said he'd stay in the house as long as his best friend still can, but won't be able to afford it on his own. I'm in an apt til September and may just have to move back in and short sale/foreclose on it, ruining my credit since the house is in my name. I truly think this is a MLC, but I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to deal with it. I will definitely be detaching now, and just hoping not to lose too much on the house. Looks like it'll be another sleepless night.
--journaling
After finding out that H plans to go ahead and file, I was just in shock again. I haven't been this sleepless and queasy since last June when I found out about the first OW. And that he feels he needs to divorce so he can date other women and not have to worry about being dumped when they find out he's still married just annoys me. I miss the man that I met 6 1/2 years ago who became my best friend. I just don't know who H is any more and it scares me.
His best friend texted me for a bit yesterday and asked me if I really wanted to be with someone who would date young girls, drink too much, and hang out at strip clubs when times got tough. And of course I don't, but it truly seems like a MLC and that he's not acting like himself at all. Even though he seems to have moved past me, I don't want to abandon him if he's in a crisis.
I couldn't sleep last night and had to leave work after two hours because I just couldn't smile and pretend to be happy. I was afraid I'd either pass out or throw up. I was like this in June and thought I'd moved past this, but I guess I was just optimistic that we'd make it through.
Tonight a local church is having a divorce meetup and I think I may actually go. As exhausted as I am, I know I wouldn't sleep if I were here, so it's probably better to be around people who understand what I'm going through. And tomorrow night I have a girls' night out, so I'll be busy for a bit.
It doesn't help that I'm now stressed out over finances. Trying to figure out how to get rid of the house and knowing that I can't afford to stay in this apartment even though I absolutely love it. I didn't think I'd like any place as much as my house, but I've made it my own and it suits me perfectly. But with school and my occasional meltdowns I haven't had the opportunity to make as much money and I need a place that is several hundred a month less. I'll really miss my garage and all of my storage space, and I have no idea who I'm going to get to help me when the time comes, but I need to start figuring that out.
Assuming H files all of the paperwork right away, we could be divorced in as little as 61 days. Hopefully that will be enough time for me to get adjusted to the idea of being a divorcee. My H's birthday is next week, so it'll be a tough day for me. I'm just going to keep with the LRT, because I know what I need to change about myself to be successful in a relationship, even if it doesn't end up being with H. And just try to take one day at a time, even if the minutes seem to be going by so slowly.
H said he'd stay in the house as long as his best friend still can, but won't be able to afford it on his own. I'm in an apt til September and may just have to move back in and short sale/foreclose on it, ruining my credit since the house is in my name. I truly think this is a MLC, but I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to deal with it. I will definitely be detaching now, and just hoping not to lose too much on the house. Looks like it'll be another sleepless night.
S - why did you leave the house if it was in your name?
One of the big reasons was because I didn't want to be in the house alone with all of the memories. I bought that house for us to live as a family and I don't want it otherwise. I can't afford the mortgage on the house, so it was better for the two of them to stay and pay the mortgage while I got a one bedroom apartment a mile away. And that way H has to deal with the inconvenience of home showings morning and night. I don't want a roommate and trying to find one who would understand that the house is on the market wouldn't be easy. I just wanted to escape the drama.
Girl, you sound like a catch to me. That is not a pick up line-that is not what this site is for. Everyone here experiences the same pain-waking up every morning thinking about him, doing it during the day, totally not understanding his actions. I just want to say to you that you are not alone in your grief. And facebook [censored], I hate it, my x uses it to try to bother me so I deactivated my account until a better time (like when I am truly over M). My x is dating a truck driver which no offense but we are both professionals with grad degrees. He is very different then me.
--journaling, but feel free to add comments, advice
I've been able to eat solid food for about two days now, so I guess I'm starting to feel a little better. I just miss the H that I had for the past 5 years before all of this happened. I'm not sure if it's depression, MLC, or a bit of both, but it's so tough to deal with. His best friend seems to have given up on him and his family is upset as well.
I'm not happy with his actions either, but my thought is that if everyone who loves him gives up on him, he'll think even less of himself and continue to find immature, unstable girls who will give him attention. He even admitted that she's not all that nice to him, but I guess it's better than nothing right now and he doesn't think he deserves better. If it is possible for him to come out of his fog, I want him to know that I'll be there for him.
Last night, I actually got a text from him about possibly needing to be picked up. Last year I told him that if he ever went out and drank and needed a ride home, to call me at any time because I didn't want him drinking and driving. He never took me up on that, so I thought it was odd that he did so yesterday. I was GAL, finally out on a girls' night, so I didn't see the messages until later.
I then found out he made it home and was drinking there. This is a man who never drinks at home, except maybe during the Super Bowl or 2-3 times a year when friends are over, because he didn't want to be like his father. I went to the house to check on him and eventually got him to stop and go to sleep. I hid his car keys and took the rest of the beer with me when I left, just in case he woke up and decided to continue.
Other than the house, our finances and property are pretty well separated, so we should be able to do an amicable divorce without a lawyer. If/when he gets the papers, I'm thinking of asking him to go to IC for at least 4-6 sessions before I'll sign them. I just want to know he's working on his issues and not trying to run away from them.
While I really don't want a D, I can deal with that as long as I know that he's okay and will have a better life because of it. But right now it just seems to get worse and worse. I feel so powerless to make anything better.
---more journaling
Three hours later and I should be asleep since I'll be up in six hours, but I had an interesting conversation with H. I don't call him and try only to text when necessary, but I do answer if he calls. H mentioned before that I'm one of the only people who will answer/respond to texts right away. I think that's because I'm his W and not just a friend, but I didn't feel like explaining all of that to him. So I don't do a 180 there, since he actually likes when I answer.
Anyway, he wanted someone to talk to and I needed to find out more about his fight with his friend, since both of them make the house payment each month. I guess his friend moved out in the last day or so and isn't sure if he plans to come back. He said he can't stand to see H acting like a single guy since we separated last year and obsessing over everything. He is offering to pay for H to start IC and he agreed so I am ecstatic over that. The friend doesn't think the 20 year old OW is right for him and doesn't want to put up with the drama.
Then H says he's not sure if he wants to try again with OW because he kind of has his eye on someone else. I said, "oh, ok, I'm not even going to ask" and he said "really?". I said that it probably wasn't anything I needed to hear about, so I wasn't going to. After a long silence, he said it was me. I asked him to repeat himself since I wasn't sure if I'd heard him correctly.
H still thinks that we need to divorce and then we could begin casually dating to see if we can begin again. I think that's pointless. I can understand a couple choosing to divorce and then coming together years later after working on themselves, but planning to divorce and start dating? That makes no sense to me. That would give him the option to date other girls since he'd be single and still see me. I don't think I'd be okay with that.
H said that he's seen the changes that I've been making and knows that I'm doing them for me, so he thinks that maybe we could make it work, but he's just not sure. So I'm definitely not getting my hopes up about this. I just hope that the counselor or his family can make him see that divorcing someone he still thinks he could be with isn't normal. We'd have to agree to "irreconcilable differences" without hope of continuing the marriage, yet we'd be planning to date again?
H could change his mind completely by tomorrow morning so I'm not trying to read too much into any of this, but I just had to write it down so that tomorrow I'll know that this conversation did actually take place.
I love him, but I'm not going to compete with 20 year old girls to see who can win him. If he wants all of that drama, he can have it and we will just have to be friends. Especially if we end up short selling the house because his friend moves out because he doesn't want to deal with the OW drama and we have to separate all of our credit, insurances, etc. I don't think I'd be especially eager to try again.
The fact that this girl cusses all the time, gets into fights, and is "rough around the edges", not to mention putting him down, makes me really wonder what he sees in her. And I can only imagine the reaction his family would have if he brought her to a family gathering! And that she's younger than his 22 year old niece and just about 9 years older than his son. What is he thinking?
I just hope this IC is good and can make him start thinking things through pretty quickly. I'm not into drama and as much as I love him, I may just have to love him from afar.
--journaling
Yesterday H called and asked me to come over. He made the initiative, so I didn't want to turn him away. I found out that he did go to the doctor and ended up getting a rx for Xanax. His doctor knows that he really doesn't like to take medication and thought that maybe antidepressants would be too strong, so he wanted him to start off with anti anxiety pills. Hopefully that will help him out.
He asked me at one point to tell him why I loved him and still believed in him. I've never been good at verbally expressing myself and my feelings, but as a 180, I'm trying to be better. I listed many reasons, but one was that he always had stories to tell me, especially when we first were dating long-distance. We'd spend hours on the phone and I felt that I knew all about him growing up.
After a few minutes of this, he mentioned that OW thought he was too sensitive and she didn't like his storytelling. That's who he is, so I don't understand why he'd put up with that. At one point, he told me that the reason he liked her was because she thought he was cute and she liked kids. But she doesn't like anything about him personally!
H also said that his best friend told him, that other than me, every woman he's dated had issues, and he thinks he has "broken bird" syndrome where he just finds hurt, broken people and tries to help them. H also said that he's realized that maybe he is actually falling apart, so I'm glad that he saw his doctor. I think he's also supposed to start counseling next week.
He also said that his friend thinks he should be by himself for awhile and not date anyone, including me. I told him that I was fine with that, because I'd been working on myself for the past year and he needed to be able to do that too, without trying to find love. And maybe this time by himself, without trying to date, will make him hold off on the divorce proceedings.
He is being more open and is telling me more about what's been going on. Some of it is hard to hear, but I want to know what's going on inside his head, even if he doesn't completely understand it right now. I told him that I wasn't trying to win him back right now, but that I truly believe in him and hope that one day he'll believe in himself again.
I know that he also got the forms to be able to file for D. I'm just hoping he keeps busy and doesn't have time to fill them out for awhile. I know that we could still get back together after D, but could I ever completely trust and/or remarry a person who completely went against his vow? I'm not sure about that.
Wow our situations seem similar in many ways. I also think my H is having some type of MLC and they are around the same age. Have you found any info on MLC in not midlife? I've looked and found nothing.
I sent a quick fb message to my stepson's mom for mother's day. She sent me a message back, stating that it was my day also, because as a stepmom, I had a special place in her and her son's hearts. It was so sweet that it made me cry.
I was always so busy planning the next step and project in my life that I never took the time to appreciate what great family I had. My in-laws and stepson's family completely accepted me. I guess that makes it even tougher to have to walk away from and keeps me hopeful that H and I will make it through.
I'm also having a hard time because on Thursday night H said that even though he wanted a D, he was still interested in seeing if we could work things out. And on Friday we spent several hours together that seemed to go well. And by Saturday he's back to telling me to move on and that he'll only be a distant memory to me at some point.
Normally I'd be busy working on the weekends and not be able to think about all of this but I haven't been able to get as many projects as before, so I'm also stressing about finances. And although I know that a H in MLC will take steps forward and then back, it's so hard not to take it personally.
I need to detach, but with the bf/roommate possibly moving out of the house, I need to find out what's going on in case I have to tell the bank that we might now be in a short sale situation. I've always had excellent credit, and although that's minor compared to everything else that I'm losing, it just s*cks that everything is falling apart around me.
If I find out that the roommate is back in and the bills will be paid as normal, I may try to go dark for awhile. H's birthday is on Thursday, so I'll send him a card, but after that there isn't really too much that we'd have to discuss other than the house. Maybe I can try NC for the rest of the month. I'm not sure if I've made it a week before, so that could be very tough. But last week my GAL activities made him interested again, so I know what I need to do.
Maggie,
Everything I've seen mentions that it's normally from 35-55, but I do have a friend who is a therapist who says it's possible earlier. My H has had depression before, so I think it may be a combination of both. He turns 33 on Thursday, so I'm afraid that's just going to make him feel worse.
I've now made it 24 hours with NC. I know we've gone that long before, but I hadn't made the conscious effort not to contact him. I will be giving him a birthday card on Thursday, but I'll just leave it in the mailbox. His LL are gifts and words of affirmation, so I don't want to ignore his birthday.
Tonight I'm going out with few friends to a happy hour. It's not really in my budget, but I can spare a few bucks to have one or two drinks and get out of the house. I'll just make sure to eat right before I go so I'm not tempted when I'm out. I'm trying to eat better anyway, so I shouldn't be eating out.
Yesterday I spoke with my mom and mother-in-law on the phone. My MIL is so concerned about her son and feels helpless that she can't do anything or even come to visit. I told her that if I thought H was able to listen to her, I'd figure out a way to get her here, but that he just doesn't seem ready for that. She knows that he'd probably do the opposite of whatever advice she gives him, so she's having a hard time trying to help him.
H had told me that he had depression back when he was in high school, so I asked her a little more about it. Come to find out, he was also depressed a few years after that and then again about a year before he met me. It usually happened when he'd get laid off from a job, which also happened last March when I was out of the country for a month. So I think that, plus his son moving away, just triggered it again.
She's hopeful that if he gets this other job that he's been interviewing for since March, he'll feel better about himself and realize that things aren't as bad as they seem and that he really does want to be with me; he's just confused.
She was glad that as messed up as he was on Wednesday that he contacted me because he knew I'd be there for him. I told her that I haven't given up on him. It must be difficult for her being so far away and not being able to do anything. Of course, I'm right here and I can't do anything either!
He has successfully made it through these other depressive episodes, so if that is what this is, I hope he'll come through this okay. I just hope that it'll happen before we're divorced. And I really hope that he does begin to see a IC, but I can't ask him if he is.
On the plus side, I did make a 4.0 on my two grad courses this semester. I'm glad I was able to keep it together enough to do that. And I'm so thankful that I found this site this month as it really helps to see that others are struggling with the same things that I am.
Good for you on your 4.0- dont feel guilty spending the money on happy hour since you are celebrating your awesome semester!
(and by the way I'm also pretty sure my husband is depressed)
(and by the way I'm also pretty sure my husband is depressed)
Congrats on the 4.0. You deserve a celebration!
It must be so difficult dealing with H apparently in the depths of some kind of depression, coming up for air for a bit, and then sinking back down. It sounds like you are at least in a good place where you can step back but be there if he needs someone and feels like you may be the only person who responds to him when he reaches out. Although that seems to be counter-DB, it seems that the depression variable changes the equation a bit (the vets can feel free to correct me if I'm way off base). It does sound like he has a tough journey ahead of him but that he is also confused about the best way to achieve happiness (i.e. D then seeing if you can work out).
Hang in there, and keep eating
Thanks Maggie and Vera! I'm still not sure how I did it with all the stress the past few months.
H just got let go from his job yesterday so I'm sure he's going to get worse before he gets better. I really want to be committed to DB, but I don't want him to feel completely abandoned. He knows the people he's hanging out with aren't good for him, but he really doesn't think he deserves better right now.
After work, I stopped by the library to check out all of the books I could find on men and depression, as well as one on midlife crises. Maggie, if I find anything useful or a really good book, I'll let you know.
Right now I'm trying to convince him to go and visit his family. He doesn't do well with too much free time on his own at the best of times, and with the house on the market, he won't have any home projects to keep him busy. So he'll either sit at home and feel worse, or go to the bars, hang out with the wrong crowd, and drink too much, which will also make him feel worse.
I think that being home and keeping busy with the family would take his mind off of everything. And I know his mom would feel a lot better if she could talk to him in person.
On the good side, H does have an appointment with a counselor or psychiatrist (not sure exactly which) tomorrow morning, so at least he recognizes that he's not in the right state of mind now. I just know it can't be fixed instantly, but at least I have some hope since he's making an effort.
As much as I'd like to save our marriage, my current focus is just making sure he saves himself. Anything else will be a blessing.
Red- I feel like I would reach out to him too. Did he tell you he lost his job? What if you just email or text him saying if he needs anything you're here for him? Maybe some of the others on here can chip in.
Oh also- would it be good to ask him to do some projects around your house- especially if you may be putting it up for sale. That way he has something to keep him busy and occupied and maybe you complimenting him on his work will give him some self worth during this time.
Every little project that we needed done has been done in the last two years. We could repaint the outside of the house or remodel the master bath, but those are huge, expensive projects and we're just hoping to break even with a sale at this point.
I was trying to get him to visit his family because I know his mom could come up with some projects for him. I still haven't given up on that. He has dr's appointments the next few days, but maybe he'll go over the weekend.
He texted me in the afternoon about his job and later that night about when he'd be paying off the business expenses on our credit card. I found out that he was at his local bar, so I stopped in to talk to him on my way home after a girl's night out. I was dressed really cute, so I thought a reminder about what he's currently giving up might help!
And while it's totally against the grain of DB, I told him that I wasn't fighting for us to stay married at this point, but that I truly care for him and won't give up on him right now. I told him that when he realizes how good of a person he is and what/who he deserves, that I'd be willing to step away if he chooses to move on, but I won't give up on him because I know who he really is.
Ugh so frustrating to see someone you love make these bad choices. My friend wants to call my H and explain to him that people look their whole lives to marry their best friend and he did and gave it up without a reason.
I think it was good you stopped by the bar (looking cute) and what you said. I don't really think it goes against DB. You aren't pursuing, you are supporting. I think I am going anti DB in that I'm not really doing a lot of 180s. I like who I am. I feel love from many people around me, even people I know just casually, which shows me I am a good person. This is a problem with my H and his depression, childhood issues, etc. Maybe I didn't handle the issues well, and I'm learning about that. Your situation seems the same. You love him. You have a good head on your shoulders. You will be okay regardless, but you care so you want to ensure he is okay too.
He can come up to my house- PLENTY of man chores since my H stopped doing projects basically in August! Could you keep the house and get a roommate? I might do that- especially since the housing market is creeping up.
H always complained that I never went out, and I do admit to being an introvert who works around people all day, so I usually would prefer to be home. He hates to be at home, and it just so happened that I was out with friends both times he contacted me in the last few week. So I was also showing him that I am making an effort to be more sociable.
I'm only working on the habits that are now driving me crazy. Being stubborn and nagging aren't attractive qualities! And I was never good at verbally expressing my appreciation for everything he did, so I do try to thank him for every little thing now, in the hopes that it'll boost his mood.
My lease isn't up until the end of Sept. and I checked yesterday to find out that the early termination fee would be the same as the rent for the next four months, so I'm just hoping the guys will keep it together and stay there that long. Or we'll get a miracle and someone will offer to pay at least what we owe on it. They'd be getting a great deal.
If nothing broke or needed repairs, it might be possible for me to rent the two bedrooms/bath upstairs and cover the mortgage and utilities. I just hate the thought of living with a stranger, although the three roommates I've had in the past were great. I don't want to be a landlord, but I guess I could if it came down to it.
I knew he'd been depressed once, in high school, but I've never had to deal with anything like that in my own life, so I never expected it to resurface. I'm so afraid that I'm going to do or say the wrong thing and make him feel worse. I'm used to having some control over a situation and this terrifies me.
So right now H should be at his counseling/psych appointment. I hope it goes well, but I can't have any expectations. I know nothing changes instantly anyway.
The first thing I saw this morning was H complaining on FB about 50 pages of paperwork he had to fill out. Although it could be the final work forms, which I highly doubt, I think he did actually get all of the do it yourself divorce papers. That means he somehow decided to come up with the $400-500 it costs.
What's frustrating is that we texted yesterday about health insurance, since we're losing the coverage from his company at the end of the month. I asked if he was going to get his own coverage or if we were still going to do it together. At first he was thinking of going without, but I convinced him that wasn't a good idea and he was ok with the family plan I found last night and went ahead and applied for. But if he's planning to file soon, we could be divorced in 60 days, so why are we getting coverage together?
I don't know why any of this surprises me, but for some reason I just keep hoping for some sign of stability.
I guess when he does mention it to me, that'll be the time that I tell him I'm not going to sign any forms until he does at least 4-6 sessions of IC. If he is truly happy with himself and wants to go, I'll let him, but I don't want him to think that getting a D will magically make things better for him. In the state he's in, I just see it getting much worse before it gets better.
SBR a few things...
As for the health insurance, go ahead and apply together. You can always change it later due to a major life event (M/D) - this is how it usually works (but double check the fine print!)
So right now H should be at his counseling/psych appointment. I hope it goes well, but I can't have any expectations. I know nothing changes instantly anyway.
...
I guess when he does mention it to me, that'll be the time that I tell him I'm not going to sign any forms until he does at least 4-6 sessions of IC. If he is truly happy with himself and wants to go, I'll let him, but I don't want him to think that getting a D will magically make things better for him. In the state he's in, I just see it getting much worse before it gets better.
Unfortunately I think you may have to let him see for himself that D isn't the magical hoped-for solution - that is the bind that many of us are in. Do you think that insisting that he get IC before you sign anything will move you closer to or further away from your goal?
Although I would love to have a R with H, my main goal right now is just to make sure his self esteem is up and he's happy with himself, so I do think that asking for IC would help. He might not be happy with me about it, but if it could make him feel better about himself and work through some of his issues, I think it might be worth asking for.
He's never been the type to be single for long, so I want to make sure he's at least in the right state of mind when he goes out looking again. It's hard to think about him moving on, but if he's going to, I want it to be a stable situation for when my stepson is here visiting during holidays and summer break.
Today has been tough for me. It's H's birthday and the first where I haven't been invited to help him celebrate. I know we're separated, but he keeps saying he still wants us to be friends at the very least. It's hard to know that he's at our favorite restaurant with a group of friends (all of whom I know) and I'm not even invited.
What makes it ironic is that he always complained that I never wanted to go out and in the last year or so, before we even separated, I realized that I needed to make more of an effort to have fun and spend time with friends. And shortly after I decided that, H was done and has tried to have his own friends and not invite me anywhere.
I know that if we do D, I will most likely have little, to no, part in his social life, so I should get used to it now. I don't want to have any regrets, but I keep thinking that if I'd just made a little more of an effort a little sooner, maybe our situation would be completely different now.
I am glad that he's made an effort to make new friends over the last year as he always complained that he didn't have very many. I just wish it didn't upset me so much not to be a part of it.
I just have to keep reminding myself that I want him to be happy. And if spending this day celebrating with friends makes him happy, I should be glad that he's not in one of his depressed, woe is me moods. Maybe it'll remind him that there are many good people who care about him and he doesn't need to waste his time with those who don't.
Tomorrow is another, hopefully better, day. I just need to keep myself busy so that I'm not dwelling on it.
Hey SBR, I'm sorry to hear that you were not invited along on his birthday dinner, I can totally understand how that would not feel good.
I think it's easy to fall into the trap of "If only I had done X, Y, and Z sooner!" The reality is that doing X, Y, and Z might not have made any difference. The important thing is to know that all Rs take effort and we have to be conscious of that and to make sure that we know how to recognize where we need to work on our selves as part of our Rs in the future.
I think your situation is doubly tough because you feel very protective of H. It is indicative of your kind heart. I just worry that you feel overly responsible for helping him get better. At some point, it is not your burden to carry.
What are you going to do for yourself this weekend?
does he want YOU to be happy? why do you feel responsible and so concerned for his happiness? it seems he is making himself happy, without you.
you can't do anything about yesterday. make yourself happy.
This time he did actually seem happy, but I know he's been very depressed lately. He spoke with a IC/psychiatrist yesterday and is going back again tomorrow.
I vowed to be with him for better and worse, and just because he's given up, doesn't mean that I have. I just don't want to see him get into a bad situation once we're divorced because he can't stand to be alone. I also had a therapist once tell me that I'm "hyper responsible" and try to take care of everything, so while I can stop worrying about his finances, household chores, etc. I can't give up on him.
He wants me to be happy. He keeps telling me that I can find someone better, cuter, smarter, with more in common than him. I've told him that you can always go searching for something better, but that I was perfectly happy with my choice of spouse and don't feel the need to see if something better is out there. He's depressed so I'm not sure how much of this is him talking or his depression.
As for me, I should be working this weekend, but don't have anything lined up right now. If I don't work, I have my final kickboxing testing to see how I've improved in the last ten weeks and a party for that on Saturday night, which I'll make sure I go to. I may also check out a Unitarian church on Sunday. I need to be out with people more often, other than when I'm just working. I don't want to be a crazy cat lady spending all her time in her apartment.
H got some unsettling news last night. I'm hoping it'll all blow over, but right now he's pretty stressed about it. He had his second psych appointment today and texted me when he got back to see if I would meet up with him at the house. He just wanted someone to keep an eye on him and try to help him not dwell on all of the craziness.
I was there for a few hours until we had a house showing. H mostly responded to his birthday fb messages and we spoke with our realtor about trying to get more offers on our house. We found out that the house three away from ours sold for full price in less than a month, while we've had two offers for $30k less and our house is actually bigger. I hung out and read a magazine.
Even though he's stressed out and I am too, of course, it was nice to just be spending time together. He had several friends call/text him to confirm plans for this weekend. They all know how upset he's been so they're trying to keep him busy, which is probably a good thing.
I commented that he had lots of friends who were worried about him and he said that he was going out all of the time, just like he'd always wanted, except now it wasn't any fun. While I'd love to read more into and think that now maybe he'd want to settle down and spend time with me, I'm too smart to think that way. I'm not believing anything he says, and just focusing on how he acts.
Although he has the D papers, he's had too much going on to get started on them, but I'm preparing for the day when he tells me he's going to file. Day by day, and I'll make it through this.
he said that he was going out all of the time, just like he'd always wanted, except now it wasn't any fun. While I'd love to read more into and think that now maybe he'd want to settle down and spend time with me, I'm too smart to think that way.
It's good to not make that jump (and it is a bit of a logical jump) for your own sanity, but perhaps his wheels are turning and he'll be trying to figure out what *will* be fun for him. While he's pondering that maybe he can forget about the papers for awhile.
Yes, I've learned that even if it's logical, I can't expect it. H hasn't acted very logical in the last year or so.
While he may never be happy with me again, I want him to realize that he's responsible for his own happiness.
As long as he expects someone else to make him happy, he'll always keep searching.
That's right. We know that but they can't realize it.
It's been an interesting few days. Yesterday over text, I mentioned to H having something (a family crisis averted) to be thankful for at church. He was curious to know how long I'd been going, so I just told him that I was starting and wanted to see if it was for me.
Years ago, long before he met me, he was attending church, and often I'd told him that maybe he should go back. His family attends every weekend (they live several hours away) and I know that they feel he'd be better with religion in his life. I had a friend last year tell me about Unitarian Universalist and that she thought I'd fit in there. I don't like to do things on my own, so I never went, but decided I needed to do a 180 and try it out.
Anyway, this morning I see on FB that H attended a megachurch with a friend of his. I was a little jealous that he had a friend to go with, while I had to brave it out on my own, but I was glad to see that maybe this is just another step to him getting his life together. And it doesn't hurt that if we're both attending church, that is one more thing that we have in common.
No expectations, no expectations. For someone who's always had life planned out 10 steps in advance, this is difficult, but I'm trying.
I woke up at 4am this morning in a bad mood. I realized that I've seen and/or talked to H every single day last week, until yesterday.
And while I didn't have expectations that he'd fall back in love with me and want to work on things, it was nice to spend time with him and be able to talk. He did most of the talking and I just listened. Nothing I say will make a difference, so it's better not to remind him that I still want to work on the marriage.
And I did feel bad, because a lot of the reasons he's needed/wanted to contact me were because of all of the stressful things he's going through right now. And he doesn't want to burden his BF because he's afraid that might make him want to move out. But at the same time, he initiated all contact and he was my best friend for years, so I'd like a friendship to continue at least.
I need to send a quick text reminding him to call the insurance co. so we can get covered. They had some health questions for him and he's needed to call since Thursday but hasn't. I'll send the text, but then won't contact him at all. That is going to be unbearably hard, but I'd decided to do that last week before he started contacting me all the time.
He knows I'm here for him, but I'm not going to pursue anymore. He's having a medical procedure done on Friday and I wish I could be with him, but unless he asks, I'm not going to mention it.
And tomorrow night I'll plan to go to the divorce support group I went to two weeks ago. I feel that my sitch is different and I don't really fit in, but it will be good to be around other people.
I'm so thankful for this forum, where I can express my feelings and get helpful feedback. It's good to know that I'm not the only one dealing with an everchanging sitch and feeling confused all the time.
So I sent the text regarding the health insurance. I nicely asked him to call if he hadn't already. He responded that he had and I thanked him for doing so.
Approximately 30 minutes later he called, asking if I could go over to the house to straighten it up for a house showing. He'd already declined it, but would get them to reschedule if I could get there. He said he was extremely busy, had a dr's appt., etc.
I was at my apartment, less than 5 minutes away, so I agreed. It only took me 15 minutes or so to get it ready to show and I don't want to have to turn down any showings as I'm desperate to get it sold.
Previously, I would have been annoyed that I had to go to the house but decided to look on the bright side and be thankful that he contacted me instead of canceling a showing. I put him completely in control of contact with the real estate company, so I would have had no idea that he canceled a showing.
His LL is words of affirmation, so a little while later I texted him to thank him for going ahead with the showing. He then thanked me for straightening it up for him. So while our interactions were positive, they were brief.
Until yesterday I'd talked to or seen him every day for several days. And while I had no illusions that we were getting back together, it was nice to see him. I know that he thinks he needs to stay away from me so that he can begin his new, happy life, but that doesn't make it any easier.
I've discovered that I really hate dusk. It gets darker and it seems like all the hope I have when it's sunny out just disappears. It's too early to go to sleep, but even when I do there's a good chance that I'll be up at 3 or 4am and not be able to go to sleep.
It didn't matter how bad things got between us last summer, I always slept better when H was in the bed next to me. And for a few nights last week I slept over at the house and had the best sleep I've had in months, even if it was just for a few hours. Now I have to figure out how to sleep on my own again.
journaling, but feel free to respond
I didn't hear from H all day yesterday, but I knew he was working an event, so it didn't bother me as much as it usually would. I spent part of my day applying for more events myself (I'm an independent contractor in marketing) and when I saw an event that he'd be good for, I forwarded the email to him.
He got laid off almost two weeks ago and we're not sure if he's going to get unemployment, so he needs to make some money and he goes crazy if he has too much time to himself, so it would be good for him to just get out of the house.
When he left work, he texted and said I'd sent him a lot of emails. I just replied with a quick, sorry, and left it at that.
I went to sleep and he had texted me two more times, saying that it was okay, he really needed to look for work anyway and asked about my day.
About an hour later he texted saying goodnight and that message actually woke me up. I responded and then we texted off and on for an hour or so. He told me that he was going to stop dropping everything for his friends and finally put himself first, but that he had to stop hating who he saw in the mirror.
I told him that I was proud of him for making the effort and he said he was proud of me for my changes as well, although he didn't mention specifics. We may never get back together and that s*cks, but from the beginning I just wanted him to get back to the happy person I used to know, so I'll settle for that. I'm not going to give up hope though, at least not yet.
Yesterday was a full day of GALing. I went back to the church I tried last week, and while it's still very difficult to go there on my own, it was nice, and one of the older women from last week recognized me and told me to sit by her, so I wasn't completely by myself.
At some point, I should make more of an effort to socialize, but right now I'm just trying to take it in and figure out if I belong there, but so far it's looking good. I just need to stop thinking about H also trying out a church because then I think, "great, we're both going, so it's something we almost have in common, but we're at completely different churches, so maybe he'll see it as another difference." That kind of thinking doesn't help and I need to do this for me.
Afterwards, I ran to the store to buy supplies to make cookies for a party I was going to. Normally I would have come up with an excuse not to go, but several of my friends were going to be there, as well as lots of people I didn't know, but I'd promised myself to take every opportunity to get out of the house that I'm offered.
I didn't get back home until almost midnight and after making tentative plans with another friend who lives about 30 miles away. She says that she never gets to see anyone either, so I told her that we could just meet at a Starbucks in between us and just chat. It didn't have to be anything fancy or planned out in advance.
All in all, it was a good day, but I was ready to get back home to my cat.
The last two days have pretty much been NC, other than a few text messages about bills that need to be paid.
I know that I'm going to see him tomorrow since we both have dentist appointments at the same time.
For the past week or so, we'd been talking almost every day. I'd made it clear that I wasn't trying to get him back, (although I do want that, but he doesn't need to know right now), but wanted to still be friends. That seemed to be working okay, but now he's not contacting me.
He's a grown man, so I need to stop worrying about him. I know he's seen a counselor a few times and started attending church, so he's working on himself now.
I know that I need to let him do his own thing, or he'll never want to be back with me, but I just don't want to see him hurt again. I've been working on GALing and 180's. I know I have to learn to detach, but I just haven't gotten there yet.
So the other day H mentioned that his IC told him that he should read the book "Codependent no more". I told him I'd heard of it and could check it out of the library for him.
I'd heard about it on this forum, but was too busy reading all of the other books, and I really didn't think that this one concerned me. It did look interesting though, so I checked out two copies and just started reading it today.
I can see that H is codependent as far as finding friends that he feels he has to take care of, but I seem to be codependent as far as he is concerned.
I think that most people should take care of their problems by themselves, but I am so concerned about H and how he's doing. I'm afraid he's drinking too much because he's depressed, but I know he won't do anything about it unless he wants to.
I'm now on the chapter on detachment and I'm really feeling that this might be what I need to do. I can still be friendly toward him, but I can't keep giving him suggestions and telling him that I'm concerned about his drinking.
He may be depressed, but at least he's in counseling, so he is working on it. I saw a quote this morning that seems to ring so true now.
‎"You cannot save people. You can only love them" -Anaïs Nin
So as hard as it is, I need to let him live his life. He will make mistakes, but even if I could stop him, he wouldn't learn from that. When he's responsible for himself, he can then figure out what he wants. If he wants to work on the M, I'll be there, but if he doesn't that'll be okay too.
i like it..
So as hard as it is, I need to let him live his life. He will make mistakes, but even if I could stop him, he wouldn't learn from that. When he's responsible for himself, he can then figure out what he wants. If he wants to work on the M, I'll be there, but if he doesn't that'll be okay too.
this is something i am working on.
i like it..
So as hard as it is, I need to let him live his life. He will make mistakes, but even if I could stop him, he wouldn't learn from that. When he's responsible for himself, he can then figure out what he wants. If he wants to work on the M, I'll be there, but if he doesn't that'll be okay too.
this is something i am working on.
^^we all are!
SBR I am glad you are finding the book helpful. I am up to about chapter 13 and I have been recommending it on many threads. There is a lot to learn and process in there.
Yes, I know I needed to detach, but I kept trying to convince myself that my sitch was different. Reading this book has made me realize that it's not. So now I just need to follow through!
Interesting thing happened today. I knew that H was hanging out at the pool of one of his friends. He met these two women last summer right after their husbands had left them. Even though they both have kids, they were through with their divorces by mid-summer.
I've met them both and they're nice enough. I'm actually FB friends with one and saw that the other had tagged a pic of the three of them at the pool. The tag line said "my best single friends".
a At first, I was annoyed, because H has not even filed, so he's definitely not single, but it wasn't his post and I can't do anything about it, so I decided not to give it another thought.
I thought his sis and mom might be annoyed by it, but I'm detaching and it's just a stupid pic, so I'm not going to think about it too much.
Anyway, a few minutes ago, I got a call from H. Mind you, we pretty much communicate only by text unless it's an urgent issue about a house showing, etc. so I thought it must be important.
He called because he thought I'd probably seen the pic of him and his friends and he wanted me to know that he had no idea what she'd written until he saw it posted. I totally acted calm and collected and said that I saw it, but it wasn't a big deal.
Then we talked for a few minutes about his friends teenage daughters and how he's really trying to figure out if he could handle having a daughter. I just listened and didn't say much.
He's pretty much called me his ex since last summer, except not around family, and has been dating, so I can't figure out why he'd be concerned that I'd be upset over a caption. Oh well, I'm not a mind reader and even though I thought I really knew him, I know I'll never figure him completely out. And that's probably a good thing.
He showed concern for my feelings and spent hours at the pool without drinking any beer, so I'm going to just look at the positive.
I hadn't realized how long it's been since I've last posted. I've been reading the posts every day, but really haven't had much to say.
Last weekend one of my best friends came to town, with her new fiance. She'd been dating a guy for 7 or 8 years and finally realized it wasn't going to work, so they finally broke up in February. She then started dating a guy at work, who seems really nice, got engaged, and then found out that she was pregnant.
I'm really happy for her, but we have so much in common that even our parents aren't sure we aren't sisters! So while I'm so excited for her, it was hard to know that she'll be a mom by Christmas and I'm not sure what I'll be doing, but I definitely won't be a mother.
My H has known her almost as long as me, so he met up with us on two occasions for meals. The first, he invited himself along to, and then acted strangely the whole time. They'd always kidded that my friend could have his baby since I was pretty sure I wanted adoption, so when he found out that she was pregnant, he just said something about "her oven" not being available any more.
Then he said that he had a friend who already had kids, who was willing to be a surrogate, but he'd have to pay her. My friend asked who the mother would be and H said he'd just steal one of my eggs! So she just asked why he wouldn't just have a child with me. It got a little more uncomfortable after that, and H later said that he felt that we ganged up on him and that he was just joking about his other friend.
He also said that he was kind of upset because he's seen me making all of these changes and he just wished that I'd made them before. A few days before, his mom was in town and we all went to dinner with his friend, the roommate.
My MIL loves me and wanted to spend time with me, so I agreed to the dinner. H proceeded to tell his friend all about my swimming classes and a few other things I was doing, even though we were discussing something completely different.
He's definitely very confused, but I'm not sure if he'll ever figure out what he wants. In the next week or so, I may bring up the idea of Retrouvaille, but I don't want to scare him off.
Yesterday I was feeling a little better about my sitch because AJM told me I was on the right track by being available to H since he's had issues being abandoned by others.
Then I got a text at 12:30am wanting to know if I would give H a ride to work since he'd had to leave the work vehicle on site and if he drove there, wouldn't be able to get both vehicles off site after the event.
I was annoyed because he has so many new friends that he hangs out with all of the time, but can't count on any of them to help him out. So when he needs something, he can count on dependable, responsible me.
So I'm actually wondering now if I should 180 and not be as available or dependable as he thinks I am. I had to wake up an hour earlier, at 5:30 am to take him since it was completely out of my way to work.
We haven't sold the house yet, so I still need his income to pay the mortgage, but I'm thinking if the house does close at the end of July, I just need to cut him off and let him see what life really is like without me.
His own mother tells me that I'm being too nice to him and if he's chosen to live on his own, I need to let him suffer the consequences, even though she's heartbroken by his decisions.
After I dropped him off, I messed up and texted him that I was tired of being the responsible and dependable one and that I realized he'd never see me as being someone he could have fun with.
It's so annoying to have him drop everything for his friends and go out of his way for them all the time, but I'm the only one he can count on. It wouldn't bother me so much if I was able to spend fun time with him, but I just get the times when he has no one else to count on.
I just have to hope that the house inspection and financing goes through and we can close on july 30. Maybe then I'll really be ready to drop the rope and let him loose.
I think I may have my house sold. I'm paying to get out of it, and losing a ton of money, but it'll be one less thing to deal with. Then H can contact me if he wants, but he can't say that I'm trying to hold onto him with the house.
It'll be sad to see it go, but the day he said he didn't know if he wanted to be with me I knew I had to get rid of it and I haven't lived there in almost a year, so it's time to let go.
It's a little disappointing that one of my big goals was to own a house by 30 and to be in a happy relationship. I achieved both of those by 30, but it looks like I'll have neither one by my 35th in October.
I guess I should make the goal more about sustaining the achievement and not just getting there.
This week H worked two days at one of the events I was at. I was the team lead and my boss for the week at one point mentioned what a cute couple we were. That was a little awkward, but I hadn't wanted to get into the whole separation issue because after this project was over, I'd most likely never see her again as she works in NY.
H was concerned that I'd told people we were together. I wouldn't have even mentioned we were married, except that we were wearing name tags and someone was bound to realize we had the same last name. Not to mention that he got hired because he said that his W, me, referred him. That company loves me, so they put him on the event.
I think it's funny that he'll claim me as his wife if it benefits him, but god help me if I tell someone he's my husband.
While he's in between jobs, he's been working events in my industry and finally getting an idea of the amount of work/stress that I deal with.
Maybe now he'll finally realize why I didn't want to go out at night at the last minute when I still had another long day the next day.
Not that it'll change our sitch, but maybe he'll realize how hard I worked and that it wasn't all fun and games.
Yesterday I got a text from a friend that her long term boyfriend was out of town, so she invited me over for a girl's night happy hour. Normally I wouldn't want to do something so last minute, but in keeping with my 180's and GALing I responded that I'd love to.
There ended up being five of us there and we had a great time. They're all women that I work events with off and on, but we normally don't get to spend time together socially.
It felt great not to spend a Friday night working or home alone in my apartment. And it was nice that H called and instead of answering, I sent him a text that I was out with friends, but he could text if he needed anything about the house sale, etc.
So far I'm 4 for 4 in accepting invitations to gatherings when I'm not already scheduled to work. It's nice to get my mind off of my sitch for awhile.
Otherwise, I sit at home and read books on relationships. I'm not sure if anything I'm learning can be used to improve my M or if I'm just learning how to be a better partner for a future relationship.
Hi SBR- I totally relate to you when you say if the books will help improve the M or being a better partner for a future relationship.vi guess the way we are supposed to think that they are one in the same. A future M with current H will still be a future, 'new' relationship. S either way you will be better off.
At least that's how I have been trying to interpret it because sometimes I read and I think ' I am not in a 'M anymore so why does it matter' but it does. For all of us.
Great work on being 4 for 4 with the invites!!
Bustingout,
I like the way you think about that. If we did ever reconcile, it would be to start a completely new M, where we'd communicate better and put each other first, before other friends and family, so it would be a new R.
I think that perspective will make it a little easier to digest the info that I'm taking in. It was getting depressing thinking that all of this info would have been helpful over the past 6.5 years that I've known H, but that it might be too late for us.
I'm a different, better person for going through this, so I can't expect, or even want, things to go back the way they were.
It was getting depressing thinking that all of this info would have been helpful over the past 6.5 years that I've known H, but that it might be too late for us.
I could not have phrased it differently. That is exactly how I was thinking..especially when reading How to improve your marriage....
But I have learned from that already. And that cant be taken away and now can be used when needed for any future R.
Stay smiling....
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
Viktor E. Frankl
The sermon today was about freedom and this was one of the quotes mentioned. It immediately brought to mind my DBing efforts.
When H tries to goad me into being jealous, which I swear he does just to remind me that we're separated and I have no reason to be anymore, I need to keep this in mind. I need to detach and I think this explains perfectly how to go about it.
Instead of reacting immediately, I'm going to try to remember this quote and take my time responding. I'm sure it won't go so well at first, but it's got to be an improvement over my responses so far.
So Sunday night, around 7:30 I get a text from H asking what I'm doing. It's odd to hear from him so early, but I responded that I was relaxing and watching tv.
H then asked if I wanted to join him at a local bar/grill, where we used to go all of the time. My first reaction was, great!, he actually wants to spend time with me in a public place.
Almost immediately, I then wondered if he wanted "to talk" and it wasn't going to be good.
I get there a few minutes later. Fortunately, I was dressed cute already, so I just had to touch up my makeup. He was on his phone, texting, most likely and ignored me for at least a minute.
He then said hello and went back to texting. At this point, I decided to do the same and began responding to face book messages. That got his attention and he finally put down his phone.
Apparently, he'd spend the day at one of his friend's places, the young Hooters girl that I'd been suspicious of, and he was upset because he thinks he's falling for her, but he's just a friend to her.
I honestly wasn't surprised by this, because I'd suspected it all along. A guy isn't going to be able to hang out with a (somewhat) cute girl doing fun things and not feel some attraction.
Maybe if we ever did anything other than discuss bills and all the work that needs to be done on the house to get it sold, he'd fall back in love with me too. But he sees me as the responsible one, not someone to have fun with.
Long story somewhat short, he says he's done trying with us because he never wants to get this hurt again.
So for now, I've been trying to contact him only about the house. We didn't communicate at all yesterday and just had a few texts today about the bills, started by him.
I also copied him on a note to the realtor about the work we needed to do, so that he'd be informed without me reaching out to him directly.
This is so difficult, but I guess I'll know where I fit in when the house closes on the 30th and he moves somewhere.
I'm not sure whether to keep giving him time to figure out his life and his depression or to tell him to go ahead and file because there is no point in staying married if he is always going to want someone else.
It's one thing to be separated while we, i.e. him, figure things out, but I'm not sure if I can cope with him falling for people.
I've been thinking about it for three days now and still don't know. This isn't the relationship I ever thought I'd have. And I know that our current M is over and we'd have to start a new one, so maybe we should get a D.
At that point, I know I'd back out of his life and really let him see what he chose. I'm just not sure if I'd ever be willing or able to R with him if he wanted to and that scares me.
And here I go again, making plans for the future and trying to think through all of the possibilities. I just need to take one day at a time and see what happens.
On the positive, H does contact me when he's upset and hasn't actually filled out the D papers, so maybe he is still conflicted. I can't figure him out, so I need to stop wasting my time trying to right now.
I just think it's funny that I had an idea this was happening. The last week or so I kept asking him if he was starting to like anyone or found anyone he wanted to date.
He kept saying no and asking me why I kept asking him.
Our arrangement was that we could continue to ML as long as neither one of us was involved with or interested in someone else.
This allowed H to think that it was purely physical, and I could keep that connection with him without scaring him off.
I would never consider seeing someone until I'm officially D'd and it'll much likely be a long time after that before I'm ready to even consider the idea.
So even though he hasn't even told her that he likes her and I doubt it would go anywhere if he did, I had a feeling that this was happening.
Not that any of this matters, but at least I know that I'm not crazy.
It's been a few days since I've updated my sitch.
God willing, we'll be closing on our house three weeks from today. I need to transfer several thousand from my emergency fund so I'll be able to write a check at closing. Need to see how long that'll take to do.
I've tried to make H take on the bulk of the HOA repairs and buyer requests since I'm working and feel that the house is being sold because of his actions, so he should have to do some of the work.
I'm tired of always being the super responsible one who takes care of everything. H was always upset that I wasn't more fun, so I'll let him see how much fun it is to do all of the chores.
I was impressed that he called me this am to update me on the status of some of the calls he's made. I guess my telling him that it all needed to be done in two weeks made him realize he needed to hurry up.
His job interview in NY isn't until the 20th, so no income coming in any time soon. At least that'll give him a few days with his son before work potentially starts and time to pack up all of his stuff.
There are tons of boxes in the garage that he packed up last June, but nothing from the house has been packed yet, so he'll be busy.
Right now his plan is to move in with one of his best female friends who got divorced last year. He won't be living with his best friend, so it'll be a little less like a frat house, so maybe this will be good for him.
It will put him about 20 miles away, where all of his new friends live, so I most likely won't see him much. If he wants to see me, he'll have to put forth the effort.
Either he'll discover that he wants to act like a 20 year old forever, or he'll decide to grow up. Either way, it'll be good for me to know.
I've had a lot of time to think about what I want in a marriage. Some of those things I didn't have with H. I wouldn't have broken up a marriage over it, but now that it's broken I wouldn't go back into it the same way.
So while I may not have detached, I have accepted that our M is over and if we do begin again, it will be as a completely new relationship.
"I've had a lot of time to think about what I want in a marriage. Some of those things I didn't have with H. I wouldn't have broken up a marriage over it, but now that it's broken I wouldn't go back into it the same way."
I think this happens a lot. You sound like you've reached acceptance and it must feel better?
SS, I hadn't really thought about it, but I guess it is acceptance. I just know that I no longer wish that I could wake up to discover it was all just a bad dream.
I deserve better than I had in the last few years with H. I'd still love for H to come around and become the husband that I want, but even if he wanted to come back tomorrow, I wouldn't go back to our old marriage.
When we first started dating, H was so polite and always checking to make sure I was okay and comfortable. Then we just got used to each other and his friends became more important.
I want a true partner, one I can consult with about big plans, such as where to spend the holidays, as well as little things, about where and with who to spend Friday night. I don't want to live like roommates.
Knowing that it wasn't perfect, although nothing ever is, makes it a little easier to deal with the loss.
I agree. You do deserve someone who will cherish you.
To have him tell you that he thinks he may be falling for someone had to have been so hard to hear. You don't deserve that kind of treatment.
I think the next time he wants your company, you might not be so available?
He may need to have another relationship to find out that eventually, we all have to pay the bills together, fix the dishwasher, mow the grass, paint the bedroom, and on and on. He's in a fantasy world right now.
((()))
I really do need to be less available.
Once the house sells, H will probably be moving about 20 miles away, so unless he comes to me, I won't see him much.
For the last few days, he hasn't talked to me much, but I think that's because the girl he thought he'd lost a friendship with has decided to still hang out with him.
Since cute young girl has apparently given him another chance, at least as friends, he doesn't need to see me. Guess he's not as lonely now.
Funny thing is, he and her friends went rope climbing/ cliff diving(!) on Sunday and H cut his foot all up. Calls me to come over and see him. I was busy getting stuff ready for the next day, so I went over about two hours later.
H apparently couldn't even bandage up his foot until I got there to help him get bandages (in the medicine cabinet first aid kit, no less). So this girl is a lot of fun to hang out with, but he can't get bandages from her?
Even he made a comment that he was too old to be doing stuff like that.
I'm just getting really sick of seeing charges to Hooters, bars, and fun places like bowling alleys on the joint credit card when he's broke from not working for almost two months.
H mentioned today that he might close out his retirement accounts so that he can help me close on the house and still be able to pay for classes in the fall.
Ok, but maybe he should stop drinking, smoking, and spending money all the time. Then his money would have gone a lot further.
He was so happy to finally become debt free from all of his student loans right after we got married. We even volunteered at three Dave Ramsey events together.
It's just such a change to know that his own cards are carrying balances right now and he hasn't paid child support since it was last taken out of his check in May.
H would have to do a few 180s of his own for me to be willing to try again at this point.
I need to remind myself to detach, detach. He's getting himself into this mess. If he decides he wants out, he has to do it himself. Life seems fun now, but eventually the bills will have to be paid, in more ways than one.
"I need to remind myself to detach, detach."
and how does this statement line up with going over to bandage his foot that he has hurt while with OW? and being "less available"?
I didn't go over there with the intention to bandage his foot. I assumed he was a grown man and would have done that before I got there. I went over about two hours after I spoke with him because I had my own stuff to do, so he had plenty of time to take care of it.
I didn't know the story of how he'd hurt it until I got there and in my defense, it was about four days ago, so it was before I decided that I really needed to be less available.
The last I'd heard, he was with mutual guy friends on the other side of town, so it came as a surprise to me.
I think that was the straw that broke the camel's back. He can't come running back to me to do all of the grown up stuff if he doesn't want me in his life.
At one point I thought that because he was depressed and had such low self esteem, that it might actually help him to see that I still cared, but I don't think that's helped the sitch at all.
I wanted to think that my sitch was different, but obviously it's not. I've had enough of being co-dependent and always taking care of him. He's a grown man so he needs to figure out who's going to watch his son when he's busy working or how he's going to pack up all of his stuff to move.
Not that I can't wait to see my stepson, but I'm not going to offer to have him so that H can go out and have fun or make things easier for him.
My MIL told me to be less available so that he could really see how life will be without me. I think I'm finally strong enough to do that.
SS, thank you so much for taking the time to read my posts and give me feedback. I really do appreciate it. I am paying attention, even if it may seem that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to.
"I am paying attention, even if it may seem that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to."
of course you are. i think you're doing wonderfully. i don't do what i'm supposed to do all the time, either. we all have to play it by ear sometimes. each sitch is different as each WAS is different.
it's not easy, for sure. i cherish all the advice and comments i get from everyone on here. without all of you, i would have crashed and burned a long time ago. i'm a much happier person because of you, SBR, and all the others on here.
i only wish everyone on here love and happiness!
Last night, around 6pm I got a text from H asking what I was up to. I decided to be honest and say that I was just doing some stuff around my apt, hoping he wasn't going to ask me to do an errand or something for him.
His response- putt putt? Last week I'd printed out the groupon I'd bought back in January (when we had decided to start going on dates again, but never did) that was set to expire yesterday and given it to him. I'd told him to go ahead and take one of his friends.
I'd almost forgotten about it and was pretty sure it was just going to expire. I was surprised that H actually remembered and was willing to take me since he had said he would try to take his best friend.
I met up with him at the house and he said we'd have to hurry because his cousin was in town and he was supposed to go out with her. I wasn't sure how we'd be done in time, but I didn't say anything or try to figure out a plan. Go me!
We had a fun time golfing and playing on the go-carts. As we were finishing up, he said he could take me straight home or I could go with him to the gay bars. I was surprised to be invited along, so I agreed to go.
I like his cousin and her partner, although I've only seen them at family reunions. We had a fun time hanging out and H actually didn't spend all of his time on his phone.
I know that H still has feelings for the other girl, but I was glad to show him that we can still have fun together.
On the ride to golf, he mentioned how he had 3 separate groups of friends- his bf and the gay crowd, his age divorced women w/ kids, and this new group of early 20somethings and that they didn't mix.
I don't know the last group, but the members of the first two really like me and I have no problem hanging out with them. Maybe he's starting to realize that he can't have it all.
His best friend is moving out of state in about three months and H is moving in with another friend for a few months until he can get back on his feet. Maybe this discomfort is what he needs to figure things out.
It may not save our M, but I'll be happy as long as he saves himself. I'm not offering advice, just listening, so I was proud of how I acted yesterday.
Today I called my MIL since I hadn't spoken to her since she visited a few weeks ago. I can tell she's still upset that H and I haven't gotten back together.
At one point, she told me that she was trying to be more like me and just sit back and let him do what he needed to do, without giving him suggestions. She knows that he'll rebel against anything she says and she doesn't want to make the sitch work.
She'd said that she wished she could just tell him to go back to me, but it wouldn't work. I tried to lighten the mood by telling her that if he was that much of a mama's boy to do exactly what she said, I probably wouldn't want him back anyway!
She told me again that I was like a daughter to her and she just wanted both of us to be happy. She'd love us to get back together, but if that didn't happen, she still wanted me to keep in touch because I'm a part of the family.
I'm actually closer to H's family than my own and his is so much larger, so it'll be hard to lose all of them if I do.
It's just nice to hear from someone who knows both of us, but especially H, and to get confirmation that I'm doing the right thing.
She wants me to make things harder on H, not offering to help him out when he's in a jam or doing things for him. She wants him to experience what life will really be like if he divorces me.
I'm doing better at not giving H advice or offering to help. He has to fly out of town on Thursday for an interview and won't be back until Friday.
My SS10 will be in town on Monday for five weeks and while I'd love to keep him overnight while H is gone, I'm not going to offer. If H asks, I'll gladly do it, because I do want to spend time with SS, but it's not my place to help H out anymore.
If he wants to be a single man, he has to figure out how to rearrange his life when he has custody of his son. And I'm definitely not going to offer to watch him if H is trying to hang out with his friends.
SS is only with him for a few weeks in the summer and then he'll be going back out of state, so H really should rearrange his schedule to spend as much time with him as possible. That's what I'd do if I knew when I'd be given the opportunity to see him.
It's hard for me because I'm just his stepmother and may not even be that soon if H decides to file the paperwork. But SS is turning 11 in less than three weeks and I've known him since he was 4. There's a good chance he'll be the only child I'll ever have and I can't imagine losing him too.
Just thinking about this is making me sad and I'm already in a bad mood because H is at a dance club with his new "friend" and her friends. I've begged for years to go dancing and we never did.
Yet, I'm the one who never wanted to go out and have fun. I just didn't want to go out with his guy friends all the time and wanted time with just the two of us or couples. The new girl doesn't fit in with the friends who are his age, so H just joined her group instead. Glad he made the effort for her, and not me...
Except Wednesday, when he hung out with me, I realized he's spent time with her every day this week. And when things are going well, he doesn't feel the need to contact me. At this point, she still doesn't want to date him, but he's interested in her, so I'm just a side note.
Two weeks until the house is sold and we can go our separate ways. We'll have nothing except a cell phone bill and possible car insurance to deal with.
If he wants to contact me, he can make the effort. I'm done pursuing. I need to drop the rope.
She wants me to make things harder on H, not offering to help him out when he's in a jam or doing things for him. She wants him to experience what life will really be like if he divorces me. [/quote}
Your MIL seems to have an intuitive sense of what DB'ing is all about. Listen to her.
[quote]Yet, I'm the one who never wanted to go out and have fun. I just didn't want to go out with his guy friends all the time and wanted time with just the two of us or couples.
There is nothing wrong with you wanting to spend time with your H and not his guy friends. There just has to be a balance. And the scales really should be tilted in your favor. You were his W after all. It is important for you to remember this for your next R whether it is with your H or someone more deserving.
Except Wednesday, when he hung out with me, I realized he's spent time with her every day this week. And when things are going well, he doesn't feel the need to contact me. At this point, she still doesn't want to date him, but he's interested in her, so I'm just a side note.
Two weeks until the house is sold and we can go our separate ways. We'll have nothing except a cell phone bill and possible car insurance to deal with.
If he wants to contact me, he can make the effort. I'm done pursuing. I need to drop the rope.
Yes, I'd say it is time to drop that rope. I know it is not easy. There is a lot of pain and anger and loneliness in doing so. But for your own emotional good, you need to do it.
(((SBR)))
Sorry, I butchered the quoting some on this post. Try to read through my post carefully so you get the gist of what I'm trying to convey.
Hang in there!
2tp,
Thanks for the feedback. Yes, my MIL really wants H to see what life will be like without me before he files for D.
I think I've just spent the last year or so afraid that he'd think that I'd given up on him like everyone else has and that would cause him to lose all possible hope of R.
But with most of our financial ties about to be gone, and him most likely living 25+ miles away, I am ready for him to see that life now.
My apt is less than a mile from our house, so it was easy to go over there when he'd call. But I won't drive to the other side of town and since he'd be living with a friend, that would be awkward anyway.
H never expected any of his friends to come to our side of town and would always go over there. Now that I'll be the only one this direction, I'm somewhat curious to see if he'll make any effort to see me, but if he doesn't, that just shows me that I'm making the right decision to detach.
I really do like H's best friend, but I didn't marry him also. I just wanted time alone with my H.
My view of marriage is that it should be the two of us taking on the world.
H and I should have had a few more conversations about what we expected from married life. I've learned a lot from this about what I need/want from my next relationship, regardless of who it's with.
Now, just to get through all of the last minute details to get this house sold and move on to the next chapter in my life.
I've been good at detaching this weekend. I sent one text yesterday to H regarding an estimate for house repairs and nothing today. And I haven't had much of an urge to send any texts either.
Realized that I didn't mention this yesterday, but at 2am on Saturday morning I got a call from H. I thought it might be an emergency so I answered it.
H was upset because his night at the club hadn't gone the way he wanted and "you're the only one I can talk to". Hmm, I'm the only one he can talk to, isn't that job of a spouse? And isn't he removing me from that role?
Anyway, I knew it was going to be a good story, so I just stayed silent and listened to him talk. Apparently, his "friend" brought along two other friends, one of whom was underage. That girl got extremely drunk, so H put her in his car to sleep it off.
H was worried about her, so he went to check on her and since she wasn't doing any better, decided to close his tab and take her home. He goes inside the club to see his "friend" not worried at all and dirty dancing with some new guy.
So H is all upset that his friend isn't responsible at all and doesn't really seem to care about her friends, leaving him to do all of the work.
I guess when you choose new, extremely young friends to hang out with because they're so much fun you can't expect them to be responsible and dependable too!
And he also mentioned that he'd spent quite a bit of money too, but I knew better than to ask how much. H took money out of his retirement account a few days ago to pay off some of his bills and then can't say no to going out even though he has no money. Even he knows how stupid that was, but just couldn't say no.
I must have detached at least a little, because I wasn't upset by this and really just thought it was pretty funny. He kept saying that he just keeps getting used by people.
I did mention that his IC recommended he read codependent no more for a reason and that it was still on his night stand, but didn't give any advice or ask any questions.
I've finally accepted that I can't save him or fix his life. He has to figure things out for himself and not allow himself to be used any more. I'm too busy working on myself, anyway!
I've finally accepted that I can't save him or fix his life. He has to figure things out for himself and not allow himself to be used any more. I'm too busy working on myself, anyway!
Good for you, SBR! Good for you. Now keep this mindset as you move forward and you will be just fine!
The other day H mentioned that he thought he'd already given me a check to pay off his Visa bill. He hadn't so I looked up the charges last night.
Silly man, he didn't want to tell me how much he'd spent at the club, but he put it on my Visa account. I thought that was funny.
This morning, I texted him the current amount, but didn't say anything else. Later he responded that he'd write me a check today and I thanked him.
A few seconds later, I was asked if I was doing okay. I responded, "of course, why wouldn't I be?".
He just said that he was curious because we hadn't spoken much, but that of course he'd been busy working his a$$ off.
I just said that I'd been busy too and didn't have anything I needed to tell him.
We texted briefly after work about the house repairs and I found out that he didn't pick up his son today. Instead, he's getting him tomorrow. He mentioned that he was so tired yesterday, it seemed like a good idea.
I didn't think it needed a response, so I didn't reply. That may have been the first time I ever stopped replying first!
In 13 days, we should be closing on the house and then we'll really be going our own separate ways. If H was curious about not hearing from me for 2 days, he'll be in for a shock when I really don't have a reason to contact him except while his son is in town for the next month.
I should be able to pay my portion of the phone bill online or at the very least have BofA send him a check so he really won't hear from me unless he initiates it.
I'm a good person and I deserve someone who really cares for me. Maybe H will come around and maybe not, but no matter what I'll be okay. Sometimes I just need to remind myself of that.
2tp,
Thanks for the encouragement. I think I'm keeping on the right track.
Even though H is going out of town on Thursday, I haven't asked him about his plans for my SS10.
I'd love to watch him and would hope that I'd be asked first, since I am his stepmom, but I have no expectations that will happen.
When he gave up on our marriage, he was choosing the life of a single dad when his son is in town to visit. So as my MIL told me to do, I'm just going to sit back and let him figure it out. I'm not going to offer, but will gladly have him over if I'm asked.
So no expectations that I'll be asked first, but I do admit that I will be somewhat upset if he asks one of his friends to do it instead of me. I'm not going to dwell on it and will just wait and see what happens.
Yesterday afternoon, I finally get a text asking if I want to go to the local water park to see SS. I said yes, but offered for them to come to my pool instead.
They agreed and a few hours later showed up. I find out within a few minutes from SS, that they've already hung out with H's "friend" twice since H picked him up the morning before.
I was hurt that it took almost two days before I was able to see SS and mentioned that to H. He responded by saying that his best friend and his boyfriend had seen him already too, so was I upset by that also.
I said I was disappointed, but his best friend is SS's godfather and the boyfriend has known SS for almost 3 years and SS loves him too. So I was disappointed, but understood that I had to wait.
This new girl has only known H for 2 1/2 months and has never met SS, so I was annoyed that she got to see him and go to Legoland with him the first day and then have lunch with him the next day.
I had that day off, so I was available to spend it with SS and H knew that, but instead drove 25 miles to see this girl at the restaurant she works at.
While at the pool H realized he never asked anyone to watch SS when he went out of town the next day. A friend is going to watch him for a few hours tonight while I'm at work, and then I'll have him until tomorrow when H flies home.
H keeps saying this other girl is just a friend, but I'm sick of all of his other friends getting to hang out and do fun stuff with him, while I just get called when he has nothing else going on.
I show up at the house today to watch SS until our friend shows up and find out that I am driving H to the airport in my own car because he used all his gas driving 25 miles to see other friends today.
So I have to use my gas and pay tolls to go to the airport because he can't plan ahead.
Needless to say, I was a little annoyed, but tried not to say anything. H kept mentioning that I had no need to be worried about his friend, even though I never said anything. It was annoying to keep being reminded of her.
As we pulled into the airport I eventually said something to annoy H, although I don't remember what it was. He said that we probably couldn't be friends and that he'd find someone to watch SS when he moves, so I wouldn't have to see him at all.
I know I said something about not wanting to be his friend if all it meant was that I helped him out when he needed rides to the aiport or other help, while everyone else got to have fun with him.
I was so annoyed I even said that I'd appreciate him giving me notice when he files the papers so I wouldn't be caught off guard.
He responds by saying he's too busy to fill out all of the forms, but he should probably do it soon so I can move on. H even suggests that I could do it if I was in such a hurry.
I replied by saying that I didn't want a divorce and I would never fill out the forms, no matter what.
That's pretty much where the conversation ended and I dropped him off. I then sent a text saying that he'd been saying he was confused, but if he was certain he was done, to please make the divorce a priority and I'd leave him alone.
I was trying so hard to detach, but I just can't keep hearing about how much fun he has with his friends, especially when I'm not asking or wanting to know.
I may have erased any improvement I've made in the last few months, but I don't think I can deal with him trying to find dates, etc. while we're married.
It's one thing for him to figure out what he wants in life, but if that involves other women I feel stupid waiting around.
And he's hired two of them for his events, bringing them into my industry, and all the while knowing that I really need money because I'm fronting all the expenses for selling the house.
I need someone who will put me first. I really had hopes that it would be H, but I have to seriously consider that it won't be. I'm not high maintenance, but I do deserve respect and someone who wants to be my partner in life.
I don't get it. Why are you driving him to the airport and being second fiddle to his whims. You've got to get busy with your own life so that you're too busy when your H needs something.
Once you drop the rope and not even think about him, is when he's going to turn around. Go and hang out with your own friends and even the occassional guy or two. No one says you have to hook up. Go out and have fun.
MrBond, Thanks for reading.
I didn't know I was taking him to the airport. I was there to watch SS until our friend came and I went to work.
It wouldn't have been as big a deal if it was his car, gas, toll tag, etc.
I'm tired of being there to pick up the slack when he's had all his fun and forgotten to take care of the details.
I want to see SS as much as I can, but once H moves out of the house, I'm going to have to let him see what the life of a single father is.
I just don't want to lose out on a chance to see SS, since he'll be going back to NY in four weeks.
I can't enable H, but my relationship with SS is very important to me and I'm not sure how to make it work.
"It wouldn't have been as big a deal if it was his car, gas, toll tag, etc."
That's not the point. You're right in thinking that he only uses you when it's convenient. How old is your SS?
You've been married for 4 years so you might have some kind of custodial right to him. Get in touch with a L and see what your rights are. But be sure that he doesn't start using you just for babysitting duties while he's off galavanting around.
To be honest, one of things that would snap him back to reality is if you took a male friend to go out with SS. But stop being his gofer.
MrBond, I think why it didn't normally bother me to take him places was because my two love languages are acts of service and quality time. So helping someone out is how I show that I care, and it's what a W should do.
Of course, H doesn't want me as a wife and I need to stop showing him that I love him, so that needs to stop as well. He flew home last night and found someone else to give him a ride.
I don't want to start any legal issues to try to see my SS. I've heard that he and his family might be moving back to our state in the next year (depending on the Army), so I can deal with his mom directly to see him and bypass H if I need to.
I've told H I'd like to see him as much as possible, but that I would not watch him so that H could hang out with his friends. He only gets to see his son for a limited time, so SS needs to be the priority right now. H can go back to partying in mid-August if he needs/wants to.
I thought I was better at detaching and acting as if, but the stress of getting the house ready to be turned over to the new owner in a week is getting to me. Closing that chapter of my life is harder than I thought it would be.
And I know that H really won't have a reason to contact me unless he actually wants to since he'll be living on the other side of town.
I'll finally be able to see if he will ever be willing to make me a priority, but I know that won't be for a long while, if ever, so the reality is hitting me.
I know that this will force me to accept where I really stand in all of this, but I think I know the answer and I'm scared to really find out.
Due to H over committing himself in the last few days before his move, I've gotten to spend quite a bit of time with SS. 99% of my stuff is already out of the house, so he and roommate just have to move their stuff out. It's not my problem, as long as it's all out by 2pm on Monday when we close.
H completely over reacted to a text I sent him on Monday. I wasn't sure what had gotten into him, because first he was asking me to watch SS on Tues and Wed, and then decided that I shouldn't see him without supervision because I might say something mean.
I was confused, because I told H that not only had I never said anything bad about him to my friends and family, I would never think of saying anything to his son. I still have hope that we'll make it through this somehow, so why would I ever do that to his son? And he's H's son, so he wouldn't side with me anyway if I tried to do something like that.
By the end of the conversation, he'd calmed down enough to let me watch SS and mentioned that he was tired of people taking advantage of him. I mentioned again the co-dependent book, because he'd had it on his night stand for weeks, but never took the time to read it.
I suggested he just read the first 50 or so pages, and if he didn't think it would help, he could quit. His IC had recommended it during one of their first sessions, so I said that the dr. probably told him about it for a reason. He actually seemed somewhat eager to try this time and suggested that I check it out right away instead of waiting until after he moved next week.
The next morning he came by to drop off SS and apologized for his behavior and over reaction the night before. He made a few more comments and I reminded him that I'd sent him a digital copy of the book, but would get a hard copy as it would be too tough to read on his iphone.
He still wasn't sure how a book would help, but I read a few of the phrases about signs and symptoms of a co-dependent. After a minute or so, he said, I get it, that describes me.
At the library, I found one of the author's newer books on cd and checked that out for him so he could read it on his long drives. Yesterday, when I dropped off SS, I could tell that he'd taken the cd and started to listen to it.
I just want him to understand that he's not all alone in always trying to take care of others and never feeling good enough. I don't know if this could save our relationship, but I'll be satisfied as long as both of us are happy, together or separately.
He just kept mentioning how confused he was. H could never say no and was always being taken advantage of by "friends" so I'll be happy if he just learns to put himself first for a change.
I know I'll be okay and just hope that he can be too.
I just found out that H spent several hours in the hospital after passing out at the storage unit. So he's in the hospital, SS is with his new roommate, and I have no idea any of this is going on because H didn't want me to worry! He also said that he didn't want me to be right because I'd told him to drink water, eat food, and get sleep because I was worried something could happen.
Somehow his best friend found out and made it to the hospital before he was released. I'm really just frustrated that instead of telling me so that I can at least pick up my SS and take him somewhere he's a little familiar with, he is with someone he barely knows. And I'm sure he was a little freaked out because he was with H when he passed out.
H waited until three hours after he was even released to tell me, so I get all the news at 11pm. H is so frustrating at times, but I know that I can't be married to a man who won't even tell me when he's taken to the hospital in an ambulance. And yet he says he wants us to still be best friends after all this is done.
I am so annoyed right now. It would be one thing if we were divorced, or maybe if he'd actually filed the papers, but he's done no such thing. He asked me for a hug this am because he was having such a hard time with the move and sale of the house, but then tries to hide something as big as this?
As long as H and I have lived together, we’ve shared a home office. So we’d often spend the day sitting across from each other. And when we’d travel for work, which we both did fairly often, we’d always call or text whenever we had a chance. H would often call me as he drove in between his store visits.
So even when he wasn’t around, it still felt like he was. The hardest part of this separation has been the hours and days that we go without communicating. He was my best friend and the one I’d always share every new, fun little thing that I learned. Even after a year, part of me always hopes that it’s him when I hear my text notification go off, even though most of our conversations have been about the house or other financial matters.
So today I took a brave step and told H that I didn’t want him to contact me when he feels used by his other friends. As recently as yesterday he told me that he wasn’t going to talk to one of his newest “friends” anymore because she kept using him. And today I hear that she might be coming to my apartment complex to help him return a work vehicle.
I decided I had enough and after he dropped off SS, told him by text that I didn’t want to hear any more about his friends who mistreat him. It frustrates me because he doesn’t do anything to change it and just keeps going back for more. I’ve realized in the last month or so that I’ve been acting codependent as far as H is concerned and decided to put a stop to it.
He spent about 10 seconds inside my apartment when he picked up SS and kept telling him to hurry up. I don’t think he has anyone else to vent to, but I just can’t do it anymore. Maybe this will encourage him to actually follow through with what he’s learning in the codependent books, but at the very least I’ll stop getting dragged into the drama. I can’t stand to hear that someone is taking advantage of my H and not being able to do anything about it.
So, at least on this one issue, I’m dropping the rope. Maybe I’ll get even stronger and be able to make some more changes soon.
Just really appreciated your post to me tonight, sbr. I can relate to the thing about being best friends. H & I met while working together in what many would consider a stressful occupation. I thrilled to work with him and take all of our breaks together for years.
And last fall when we were trying to go through a marriage-help book but his heart wasn't in it, all he would do is cry -- he told me the first few years we were together he felt it was the two of us against the world. And we lost that. Oh, to gain that back!!!!
Thank you for taking the time to read my posts. I usually don't get that many responses, but that may be because I just ramble all of my thoughts to get them out of my head.
DBing has taught me that it doesn't do any good to share these emotions with my H right now and most of the world doesn't understand why I won't just file for D and move on.
Having a friendly community where I'm not considered crazy because I'd still like things to work has really helped. I only wish I'd found the site a year earlier.
Looking back, I can see so much that I took for granted, because I just assumed I'd have it forever. At the very least, this sitch has taught me to be thankful for what I have, because it could all change.
Hi sbr- I feel exactly the same way about DB and everything else you said in your last postThanks for sharing....
Last night I agreed to watch SS again because H had a few hours of training. He said he'd be back around 7, but showed up at 5, asking me to watch SS for a few more hours.
I asked if it was work related and he said he just wanted to go to dinner and have a social life, but it's not what I'm thinking. He said he wouldn't be f@cking anyone, if that's what I thought. Of course not, because it's just an EA with his current obsession right now.
I told him that I'd gladly watch SS for H to go to work if I wasn't working, but I wouldn't do it so he could go out. H then offered to pay me and I said I wasn't a babysitter.
That made him upset and he told me that not only was I not going out of town with them tomorrow to celebrate SS's birthday (which I kind of expected), I wasn't going to be able to watch him at all anymore and would have to drive to H's new town in order to see him.
About two hours later he called to say he wasn't taking SS out of my life, but I wouldn't be allowed to watch him anymore. And that he'd like me to be there to celebrate the birthday, but that we weren't really married anymore, so he had to draw a line in the sand.
I told him that we were still married until he filled out the forms and filed them, and that while he might be drawing lines in the sand, he never communicated where they were to me. In our M, he never wanted to say anything to hurt me, so he never said anything, and then just decided he couldn't take it anymore last year and we had the BD.
Then he said that for years I never really said much to him either and now he can't get me to shut up. He asked me where that was 3 years ago when he was still in love with me and I told him that I'd finally learned how important it was to share my feelings, and I was going to do it from now on, even if we didn't have a relationship together.
I know that I'm not supposed to believe what he says, but it's so hard to hear that as confused as he is, he knows he'll never fall back in love with me and that he waited so long to confront it, that it's too late to do anything about it.
So once again, I told him to file the papers so that we can be as "not married" as he thinks we are. If he really is done, I can at least use the divorce to potentially qualify me for financial aid next year and not complicate our taxes. It won't change my feelings for him and then he can meet/date whoever he wants without me being upset because we're still married.
I've learned enough on this site to know that it is still possible to R even after a divorce, but at least then I'd know that I'm not invited to family gatherings or officially part of his family any more.
I know that I just need to detach and GAL, but my SS only turns 11 once and I'm going to miss his party and seeing all of my nieces and nephews. I kept the weekend free so I could go out of town if necessary, so now I really do need to find something to keep me occupied.
What an @$$ using his son as a pawn. Sorry guys like that really burn me. Are you sure he's got a p@ni$ between his legs?
wow, mrbond, you don't pull any punches!
SS is only in town for two more weeks and then he goes back home to the Northeast. After that H is free to do whatever he wants because he won't need a babysitter.
I do think it's kind of funny that he says he'll make other arrangements and that he can take him to daycare or something, but then is texting me at 9pm to see if I can watch him the next day. Something tells me you can't just drop off a child at a center with no advice notice!
It'll be interesting since H is going out of town and then coming back late on Sunday. He starts a new job on Monday and although he may be able to work from home a little, his new boss will be in town on Tues or Wed, so he doesn't have much time to "figure out other arrangements".
I told him that he was a single dad now and he had to figure it out. That's what my MIL has wanted me to do for months now and I finally decided to stick up for myself and do it.
He's usually such a nice guy, so it's really strange to see him get so upset over things. In all the years we've been together, we've never fought like this.
Good for you for sticking up for yourself. It's one thing to talk nasty to your spouse, but when he uses your SS as a hostage, that's a Class A douchebag felony.
I hope you get to spend more time with your SS before he leaves.
I'm a little down today. It's my SS's 11th birthday and he's out of town with H, so I don't get to celebrate with him. I bought him his present early so he could play with it at my place and sent H off with his card, but it's not the same as being there.
I didn't book any work for the weekend in case I was invited, but H was so PA that he never told me either way. On Thursday he just said he'd be uncomfortable and that his BF didn't think it was a good idea. I wish he'd quit taking M advice from him.
Last night I went a step further and pretty much said that I don't think I can be friends with H right now. When his other friends mistreat him, he always wants me to cheer him up or at least listen to him complain. I'd already told him a few days ago that I didn't want to do that anymore.
I'm sick and tired of H being the one to decide if/when he wants to talk to me or see me. I can't happily accept the demotion from wife/best friend to part time friend that he'll contact when he's lonely/mistreated.
It's not fair to me and I deserve better. A few months ago I couldn't stand the idea of not having H in my life, but this isn't the same man that I married. This version thinks that I should be ok hearing about all of his relationship problems, and that it shouldn't really affect me if they're not actually dating.
I'd originally told him that I'd support him, but that I couldn't try to fix him or tell him what to do because I'd realized that didn't help either one of us. Right now, I don't think I can support him right now, because I'm not getting anything in return and it's draining me.
When I first found this site almost three months ago, I'd been telling H that I would always be there for him. That his other friends might give up on him or try to use him, but he could always count on me.
I know he has depression and doesn't feel very good about himself, but I can't change that. I can't be the back up anymore. I can't save him from himself.
Sbr, what's been going on with you? How are things?
RH, thanks for checking on me.
I kept with my boundaries and that led to H texting me on Sunday when he got back in town, asking if I was ok. I said of course, had no reason to contact him and knew he was busy with family. That led to him calling me and we spoke for a bit. He felt that I was distant, and said he was jealous that I was able to move on and be happy with myself and my life. Guess my “as if” act has been working!
He mentioned that his mom might want to stay with me next week to watch my SS while H is out of town. I love her, so I had no problem with that, but thought H might. I told him again that I could watch SS this week if he needed someone and he said he might need me Tues and Wed, but he'd try to do something else.
On Monday, I went to a friend's house for dinner and drinks. She's separated, with kids, so we have a lot in common. H called and texted me to see if I'd watch SS the next day. I texted back and said that was fine, but asked what time. He just kept asking me to call him, so I said I would when I left, but I was at a friends house. Less than 30 minutes later, he said never mind, he was going to bed and he'd make other arrangements! I swear, he loves that phrase, "make other arrangements".
My friend was as confused as I was and asked if H had wanted me to watch SS beginning that night. SS's mom had replied to one of my fb posts about having margaritas, asking if I was watching SS that night. So i don't know what H told her, but I replied and said I thought I'd have him the next day, but wasn't sure.
I left around 11 and texted back, telling him he could call me if he was awake. I ended up watching SS because of course, H hadn't made any other arrangements.
yesterday, H dropped him off and before he came to pick him up, asked if they both could spend the night. H said he was really stressed, and would feel better if we were all together. I told him that would be fine, but I expected him to be off the phone and not texting constantly since he was in my house.
H agreed, came over, and showed me a text he’d sent to a friend asking her not to contact him since she didn’t treat him very well. I said I didn’t want to know about it, but was glad he was being strong. Not 15 minutes later, she calls and texts, saying that she was hanging out with a guy and he tried to attack her. So, of course, H has to go save her, saying that he doesn’t want to be her friend, but can’t let her stay in danger. He is the type of guy to do that, so I just asked him to hurry up and drop her off.
Two hours later, he still hasn’t returned and I was a little annoyed because we were waiting to have dinner with him. He tells me she doesn’t want to be left alone, so he’ll come get SS and then take her home.
I’d told him last week that I did not want to hear about her and did not want her to know where I lived when he mentioned she might help him return a work vehicle that was parked at my place. So I was extremely p!ssed that he showed up with her. I am a very private person and live in a gated complex for a reason.
I didn’t want him to take SS and have him in the car with her, since she was so “emotionally traumatized” by the sitch. And I might have had a slight verbal altercation with her. (oops) I am the most laid back, easy going person ever, but when you cross my line, I’m not going to put up with it anymore.
H was understandably annoyed with my behavior and said he’d have to leave SS alone while he went to work and I couldn’t watch him anymore. By midnight, he’d dropped her off and was back at his place. And I now have SS to watch for today. He keeps threatening to keep SS away, but realizes that no one will take better care of him than I will. In less than two weeks he’ll be back in NY until Thanksgiving, so I’m just trying to spend as much time with him as possible.
I’ve realized why super heroes are usually single and don’t have many friends. It’s hard to be around someone who is always on call and might need to leave at a minute’s notice to save the world. Unless H can deal with his codependency issues I’m not even sure I’d be able to be his friend. Unless I have an emergency and am falling apart, I don’t ever think I’ll be a priority.
Sorry for the extremely long post. It’s been a crazy few days,but I'm doing okay and will make it through.
Good way to stick to your guns. You have to start being more strict with your H. He's still using you and have got you under his control. It really s*cks that he still is using your SS as a pawn.
Are you going to call H out on threatening to take away SS/not allow you to watch him (and then allowing you to watch him) or are you going to let it slide until next time SS is in town?
"H agreed, came over, and showed me a text he’d sent to a friend asking her not to contact him since she didn’t treat him very well. I said I didn’t want to know about it, but was glad he was being strong. Not 15 minutes later, she calls and texts, saying that she was hanging out with a guy and he tried to attack her. So, of course, H has to go save her, saying that he doesn’t want to be her friend, but can’t let her stay in danger. He is the type of guy to do that, so I just asked him to hurry up and drop her off."
he agreed and you let him get away with breaking the agreement. as dr. phil says, you teach people how to treat you. next time, tell him to go get her/him/whomever and not come back.
just my opinion.
oh, and if he uses SS again as a pawn, just say, "so be it".
Right now my priority is to spend time with SS and try to keep him away from any emotional messes.
Once he is gone on the 20th, I think I'm going to declare a boundary of not even being able to try to be friends with H as long as he's still friendly with these people. He says he's not friends, but if he'll drop everything to "save" them, I don't need to be around that.
H seemed to be making an effort the last few days to be a better friend, but any progress he made is gone now. If he wants us to have a relationship, of any sort, he's going to have to prove it.
Scaredsilly,
You must have posted as I was replying, so I just saw your response. I do agree with you, but I had SS at the house and didn't want him to be part of it.
While he is ( i think) getting stronger about setting boundaries with these people, I knew that I wouldn't be able to stop him if he thought the girl was in trouble. I was trying to keep SS from dealing with a girl who might have been attacked.
He's only 11 and I'd like him to have as sheltered of a life as possible. I also knew that H would be driving like crazy to get to her as she was 30+ miles away and it wouldn't have been safe for him to be in the car.
And I couldn't deny him to come back to the house and deny him access to his son, as I am the stepmom and don't officially have custody.
H is definitely taking advantage of the fact that he knows how much I care for SS and would do anything for him. He's the only child I have, so I am very protective. I can't take the chance that he'll be left alone or sent off with people who won't take care of him.
I did tell him that he was making a choice and clearly choosing her over all of his friends and family, but I knew that if she did end up getting raped he'd never forgive himself.
I know, it sounds like a lot of excuses, even to me, but I just need to get through the next few days. I can enforce the boundary between the two of us. H is a grown man and can't count on me to be his backup plan any more.
The last three weeks or so have been exhausting. I was trying to shield SS from all of the craziness here.
With H taking him away every few days and swearing that I'll never take care of him again, only to have him returned the next day because H never made "other arrangements" is tiring. On the plus side, I've gotten very good at believing none of what he says.
H spent maybe 10 minutes with his mom who came down for a week to help watch SS while he was out of town and barely saw his son the last week too.
As frustrating as it all was, it did help me come to the conclusion that this man isn't the same one that I married. And while I don't want a divorce, I do want a husband who is committed to me and willing to work on things. Right now I don't have that and I'm not sure if H can ever be that man again.
I've been scared to ask him to make a decision because I was afraid that he'd go ahead and file. But you know what, that doesn't scare me anymore. Being in this limbo doesn't serve me anymore.
For the past year I haven't had the financial help of a husband, the ability to talk to him as a best friend, or the confidence that I could count on him when and if I needed him. So I've pretty much lived as a divorced woman, but haven't qualified for financial aid due to his income or been able to date because I'd never do that while I'm married.
I am in no way ready to date, but I'm married to a man who thinks it is okay if he does because he thinks we're done, but doesn't want to fill out the papers because it'll be difficult and sad. I'm having a hard time seeing how I get any benefits out of this arrangement.
I asked him last night if he actually thought it would get easier if he waited. He said that I was better at paperwork and I just responded that once we were divorced he'd have no one to help him so he better get used to it now. I filled out all of the marriage forms, so it's up to him to do the divorce papers.
Maybe he still is confused about what he wants, but I deserve better and don't plan to stick around forever. He needs to finally make a choice- get divorced and be free to live as a truly single man, or make a commitment to work on things with me. I'm finally strong enough to be able to accept either decision.
I think it may have been finding out that he hasn't paid child support in the three months since he lost his job. But that hasn't stopped him from going out with friends and spending money he didn't have. I want someone who puts family and responsibility over friends and good times.
Hearing from SS's mom that she's been proud to share the mom title with me for the past 7 years and wants to make sure that they are in my life no matter what also made me a little more confident that I won't lose contact with SS, even if H doesn't want me to see him.
Maybe he will decide to try again, but I'm not sure if he's even capable of that right now. And as much as I love him, I need to put myself first.
All this week, since SS has been gone, I've been following the LRT for the most part, although I did talk with H and tell him that although I don't want a divorce, I do want a husband who is 100% committed to working on our M and unless he felt that way, he needed to file.
I made it clear that it was his choice, as I had never given up on him or the M, but I would no longer sit back as he takes his EA to places to interact with people we both know. I stated that the only chance we had of being friends would take place after the D, as I felt that his actions were disrespectful to me, as he is still a married man.
H told me that he hasn't filed because I "don't know what going on in my head!" and that he is terrified that I'll be out of his life completely once we have a D.
At first I was scared of that too, because H was my best friend for the longest time, but I haven't seen that man in almost a year now and I'm not sure if he'll ever come back.
I know I'm just mind reading, but I think he's still trying to stay in contact with me so that he can pretend we're not over. He can act like a single man, but always has me to fall back on when he's lonely and needs a friend.
Last Thursday, he got upset and said he was trying not to hate me, but by Monday texted to make sure I was ok with SS leaving and later texted that we should meet up for drinks sometime as he still wanted to be friends. And he's called or texted every day that he's been out of town. This afternoon he texted, "have a great day. ttyl" wtf?
I found out today that his "friend/EA" is now signed up on his vball league and that he put her reg charges on our joint cc. So even though he's told me (I know, believe nothing they say) that he doesn't want to be friends with her anymore, his actions show the exact opposite.
I don't want to be a back up friend, when he has no other plans. And I have a good feeling that I'd be ditched when any of his other friends have "emergencies" and need to be "saved". I'm a functional, responsible adult and can take care of myself, so H won't get the thrill of saving me.
I'm now considering the "after the LRT". H really needs to see what his life is like without me in the picture. Without being able to call me when he's sad or lonely. I've been so scared to lose him, but our so-called friendship hasn't benefited me in the least. I can't lose what is already gone.
I don't want a D, but this isn't a M. I heard Pink's new song, blow me one last kiss and it really struck me. there's a line about holding on to a rope, but there's nothing there. I think I've reached that point.
I do still love H, but I'd rather be single than stuck in a M with a man who doesn't want to be there, but doesn't want to truly leave either. It's all on him if he's not done, but I think I am, at least for now.
Even though his own family says he needs to hit rock bottom, with his possible MLC, depression, and what seems to be at least the beginning signs of alcoholism, I didn't want to desert him.
But after reading the codependent books, I've realized that he can't/won't change until he decides he needs to. Nothing I do to hold on will make a difference, except to drag me down.
I have grad classes starting again in five days and I can't allow H's mood swings to affect me. I managed a 4.0 in the spring and I'd like to do that again.
I have a long way to go, both for graduation and to feeling completely comfortable in the sitch I'm in, but I'll never get there if I don't keep moving forward.
"The OW accepts the yucky guy of today, that he know's you wouldn't put up with, maybe even know's you don't deserve. The OW are an ear for that side they don't want to give us. Don't asume he's having a wonderful time...don't assume anything it only hurts you."
DawnMarie said this on another thread and it hit a nerve with me and has now possibly confused me even more!
H has told me that no one will ever compare to me, and that no one has ever trusted him like I did. And that I'm the only one in his life who never hurt him and has always been there for him. He's said this again as recently as a week or two ago.
I think part of him always thought I was too good for him because I had my life all together when I met him, and with his depression he really doesn't think he deserves me.
So I'm afraid that if I do the after the LRT and cut off all communication, so that he can see what life is like without me in it, he'll feel that I abandoned him too.
I'm afraid that instead of spurring him on to figure out what he really wants in life, that he'll do something stupid and possibly injure or kill himself.
But since he got back in town on Thursday, he's barely contacted me, so I guess it really doesn't matter if/when I plan to respond to him. My life used to be so simple and now it's just one thing after another. This s@cks.