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Been thinking alot latetly about everything. W has not changed her stance. Court is June 5th. Things have gotten worse at home. I try really hard to be polite and pleasant. I stay out of her way as much as possible. She says nothing to me at all. Seems extremelly angry. I get an occasional glance but that is it.
The last few days I have realized that I have to let go in my heart not my head. She needs to know that I will be ok and that I'm happy. I think that is how it works. I bet she could smell the fear. I still struggle with it but if I want to see some changes in my stich I have to move on. Sad thing is that I don't know if I want to be M anymore.
Yesterday went to a birth day party and I was the only single guy. There were 6 couples. of those only 1 didn't argue. The rest of them fought about stupid stuff throught out the day?
Thank God for Galing. It is keeping me sane. I have met lots of wonderful people in the last 10 months. I thank them for walking with me. Couldn't do this without them. I still get sad but not as bad as it was. I always have someone who will listen to my vents. So this is where I'm at today.
You know it, Buddy!
We're here and elsewhere.
The last few days I have realized that I have to let go in my heart not my head. She needs to know that I will be ok and that I'm happy. I think that is how it works. I bet she could smell the fear. I still struggle with it but if I want to see some changes in my stich I have to move on. Sad thing is that I don't know if I want to be M anymore.
you hit the crux of the sitch, if you want it to change. just go for that and focus on the big pic. don't look to how she is acting or not acting - just keep your own big picture in your mind
i've finally got to the point of realizing the same - i have to let go in my heart and really be happy for myself - just keep focusing only only on that. and trust that .
you've grown up already rick - and that's all you need to know.the rest will work itself out
zig
Keep that chin up Rick :-) Detach and keep GAL my friend, the latter is certainly easier than the former and we all know that. As Zig said you have came a long way keep up the good work!
Rick,
I found this post from a good friend, I hope you get something from it.
There are thousands of post related to going dark, letting go, detaching, getting a life, moving on, etc. etc. Whatever you want to call it, it's about regaining your own sanity, healing your broken heart, stop being a doormat and becoming a likable person.
It has been said over and over that there is no bigger attraction killer than a loss of respect, yet there are still a lot of people here who for months after months are still struggling to make that seemingly simple concept a reality.
So what gives?
Every single day I read folks here pounding each other with the same rhetoric – drop the rope, let them go, take care of yourself, become attractive again, blahblahblah. Yet minutes later they are right back in the same porridge which they have been cooking themselves in for a long time.
I have no doubt that the theory makes perfect sense, it is the lack of strength to put it in practice. Why is that?
One of the problems I see is the notion that letting go, going dark and moving on from the spouse who has fired you is some kind of a tactic to win them back. That has been advocated in books and forums. But it should not be a tactic or it will not be genuine and will not produce desired results. The walkaways and waywards are not blind or stupid not to see through the fakeness of these actions.
So how do you make this "reality"¯?
You must drop the expectations that your actions are going to turn your situation around. You will never get emotionally detached if you are constantly checking what the reactions to your actions are. When I think of Stockdale Paradox, which I do very often, I see everything around me which disrupts my pursuit of happiness, as brutal facts which need to be confronted in order to prevail.
So how do you put this into practice? Your spouse fired you. You are not happy. You want her/him back. He/she does not want you because you are not longer attractive.
You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end with the discipline to confront the brutal facts of your reality.
To really understand that, is fundamental for success. To sit around and keep doing nothing or keep doing what does not work, will get you nowhere. The only person you can change and improve is yourself. Have faith in yourself to become the strong attractive person who your spouse once fell in love with. Don't do it to impress him/her, do it for yourself and your future. Remember that they don't want you anymore, so drop that for a reason.
Obsessing about the past and trying to figure out what your spouse is feeling or thinking is counterproductive. There is also nothing you can do to change history. You can however change the way you think about your emotions. Value yourself. You were fired because you had lost respect. No respect, no attraction.
Get out and explore the world. Listen to what people say about themselves and others around you. What is it that they like and adore in another person? Pay attention to that. Examine how attractive people interact. Look at their mannerism, body language, listen to how they talk and the words they use. Also learn from the people who are disliked and understand why they are.
Practice and be amazed how it works.
Suddenly you are no longer obsessed by the brutal reality of your situation. You find revelation and peace. You are completely comfortable with yourself to achieve happiness you deserve. Where is that wayward spouse again? Oh, I have forgotten. Look, there,ā€¦as miserable as before.
You confronted your brutal facts, you have not confused faith with discipline and you have prevailed. You are attractive, strong and confident person. If your spouse is still lingering and around and took notice, you may have a chance for reconciliation should you choose it. If not, you are ready to move on and pursue the new successful relationship as long as you don't forget what you just have learned.
^^^^^WOW!^^^^^
That is the ticket, thanks for that gr8... And congrats on your successful DB'ng, I look forward to reading your threads to see how you did it!
And congrats on your successful DB'ng
I am offcially D and very happy with my life.
Her loss. She has done nothing to improve herself. In fact she has digressed as a person. All her choices.
She hates the fact that I'm happy.
I am living the last paragraph.
Reminds me of a thread someone started here back in 2010.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...335#Post1981335I remember reading this as I was heading home from my first solo vacation ever.
Boy was I scared to take that vacation.
Boy am I glad I found the inner strength to overcome the doubts in my head.
It was an amazing day.
Edit... Wanted to say Gr8 ... that post reminds me
Hmmm, Did I start that thread???
The was 2 years ago. FWIW to those going through this now, My STBX(at that time) did see changes and was having second thought. Enough doubt for her to reach out to me to try to reconcile.\
Thanks CB for finding this.
There are a lot of good posts on that thread, a lot.
Thanks g8 and CB
"Suddenly you are no longer obsessed by the brutal reality of your situation. You find revelation and peace."
This ^^^is slowly happening. I have realized that the answers must come from within. It is a daily struggle at accepting the fact that W is not coming back, that my M is done. That all that I knew is no more. That my life will change drastically. But does that mean that my life will be awful? I feel guilt at times that I'm excited about the future. Sounds crazy I know. But I guess this is what needs to happen in order to get to the other side. Will keep at it.
Hey Rick! I'm sorry things haven't improved in your marriage, but I'm glad you have found some good GAL activities you enjoy and that you've used this time to work on improving you. You've come such a long way since you first posted, and in my opinion, that is success!
I apologize if you covered this earlier, but have you and your wife spoken to your daughter yet about the upcoming court date? Is she aware that your wife has filed for divorce? I know the relationship between you and your wife is pretty chilly at home and that your daughter no doubt has picked up on this, but I was wondering if you have a custody/visitation plan in place and if you have shared that with your daughter.
Keep hanging in there! Hugs, ncl
Hey Rick! Seems like you are moving into a new phase, and are handling things pretty well. Glad you are GALing and staying busy.
I know there's much more in store for you...so get ready! :-)
Roro You not gonna beat me up right?
put on your running shoes rick.. ro's coming for you.
you seem more peaceful. D doesn't mean the end. it's the beginning.. but of what? hmmmmm.. looks like you have been thinking about that. i think there are good things over the horizon.
NCl always good when you check in. I have not spoken to my D about court. She is aware that W filed because I told her. Not sure that was the right thing to do. I knwo W told her that we were Divorcing. But it was many months ago . And yes I noticed she does not like our interactions but I try to make it as pleasant as possible. I talked to my W about a schedule but she does not want to talk about it. Sometimes I think she believes she is just getting everything and I am gonna end up on the side walk. Thanks for the questions
Roro You not gonna beat me up right?
Of course not! We are DB friends after all. That makes us blood. :-)
U the best Roro.
A little journaling
W has stopped talking to me period. Guess she is preparing for court in four weeks. I have also noticed she is buying the bare minimum of food? That is one of two bills she is responsible. Next month she will be responsible for many bills that she doesn't know exists. I think she is saving for a trial but so am I. my L thinks it will be pretty cut and dry and I hope to keep it that way.
I have also confirmed that my D gives her a difficult time in getting ready for school. She does not do that to me. A little but not to that degree.
Have some serious GALing coming up. More fun than I have time for. Looking forward to it. It really helps. Have NEVER had so many social events to attend in my life. I think my W does not like it too much. But not my problem. Still some depression but I can handle it so far.
Rick - It is the GAL that keeps you sane throughout this process. Good to hear you have so much going on.
You may have covered this before but how much of your D's behavior do you think is attributed to the pending D vs. typical teenage oppositional behavior? Have you and/or your W discussed the upcoming D with your d? Does she understand what is about to happen.
I understand the depression. Are you doing anything about that?
Hang in there.
Duh! just scrolled up a little more and saw your post "#2242088 - 05/01/12 04:30 PM" where you explain about your D. Never mind. Carry on...;)
No worries 2t.
Today my L emailed me my Ws response. It said that I threatened her life in addition to other verbal abuse on July 16 2011. I did threatened her that day. I remember how out of control I was. I have said mean things to her. But I have said many more nice things to her. Can't take it back. Did I have a right to be angry, I think so. Has she been mean to me? Yes. I did not need to get angry and nasty. That is not who I am. I rather make jokes and laugh. In four weeks we may be divorced.
I don't know why I got soooo angry with my W. Still looking at it. Catfour agrees that it was fear. But what was there to fear? Keep digging ok
sorry to hear about that rick1963 - don't think about what is coming - focus on the present. things can change on the toss of a dime
yes keep digging - the more we dig the better off we are. i seem to have the bulldozer out these days, along with a battering ram!
take care
zig
Today my L emailed me my Ws response. It said that I threatened her life in addition to other verbal abuse on July 16 2011. I did threatened her that day. I remember how out of control I was. I have said mean things to her. But I have said many more nice things to her. Can't take it back. Did I have a right to be angry, I think so. Has she been mean to me? Yes. I did not need to get angry and nasty. That is not who I am. I rather make jokes and laugh. In four weeks we may be divorced.
I don't know why I got soooo angry with my W. Still looking at it. Catfour agrees that it was fear. But what was there to fear? Keep digging ok
Rick,
Don't worry about what happened in the past. The important thing is that you have made tremendous change since that time. I am confident your daughter and others have witnessed that in you. Let your lawyer worry about the logistics of the divorce. Keep DB'ing, being the best Rick you can be and detach yourself from the anger and fear you may be feeling. Don't allow it to control your actions now. As you said, that is not who you are.
You are right that you cannot take back your former behavior. You are also right then even if your wife has acted mean to you, you need to keep control of your anger and not be nasty in return. What I'm wondering is, have you ever apologized to her for your past behavior (and I'm not talking about during the pleading/begging phase post bomb-drop; I mean when things were calm and you sincerely meant it)? If so, great. If not, when the time is right, apologizing and asking for her forgiveness as well as forgiving her for how she has hurt you are the best things you can do for YOU. Remember, she doesn't have to ask for forgiveness for you to give it to her. It's something YOU control for YOU.
Let the anger and fear and regret and all the things you are holding against her go. You will feel healthier and lighter and better able to move forward.
Hang in there, ncl
Rick,
People say things always in the heat of the moment. My STBEX seems to be bi-polar. He can be nasty as all get out and say the most outrageous things to me one moment, and then the next day act as if nothing was ever said. Let it go, and don't beat yourself up about it. We are human, and love and hate are just opposite sides of the same coin.
Rooting for ya
Thanks guys and it is always nice that you check in ncl.
I was driving home today and remembered what my Ws response to my L was regarding the horse. When she bought it she told me her mom gave 10k and she put the rest, 5k. I was kind of annoyed that a month or two after we bought a new car she said she only had 2k. She makes twice what I make. The discovery said that her mom gave 7k? Guess she lied. This is the kind of stuff that made me angry and why I didn't trust or believe her. This why I got angry when I found out my D had failed so many classes. I guess I resented not being told the truth. I knew something was wrong. Guess I'm angry at me for not listening to me. Wonder what else she lied or hid from me? And this was 3 years before we had this sitch.
Learning to trust my instincts. To deal with stuff differently. That the one u love is capable of anything to get their way. To not let my bad side come out and be vengeful. Not my job to punish but to protect me.
Learning to trust my instincts. To deal with stuff differently. That the one u love is capable of anything to get their way. To not let my bad side come out and be vengeful. Not my job to punish but to protect me.
Well said Rick, truer words have not been spoken! Keep that bad side on the shelf with mine, I think I have put him into storage once and for all I hope... Keep on keeping on my friend!
[/i]"Wonder what else she lied or hid from me? And this was 3 years before we had this sitch."[i]It doesn't matter what else she lied about. Yes, it may have cost you some money at the time and severely p!ssed you off, but leave the past in the past. No sense in mind reading what/why she did what she did or wondering what else went on. Just cut your losses and move on. Trust me, she isn't the first woman to lie to her husband about money, and she won't be the last. She may have done it in a bigger way than some of us
who don't report exactly what we spent on a shopping trip with the girls, but it doesn't matter now.
[/i]"Learning to trust my instincts. To deal with stuff differently. That the one u love is capable of anything to get their way. To not let my bad side come out and be vengeful. Not my job to punish but to protect me."[i]Let the old self - the vengeful, punishing self - die Rick. It doesn't suit you. You are a much more attractive, likable guy the way you are now.
Hang in there...and know I'm checking on you. ncl
Always great to see you ncl.
Had a great weekend with friends. Told W on Friday that I will be out of town and returning Sunday eve. She didn't ask where and with who and I didn't say. It was a weird feeling at 1st. Never been anywhere on vacation without them. w continues on her path towards the D. Soemone at the get together said that I had the "dear in the head light look'. So true, still can't believe I'm in this situation.
It really doesn't help to feel like the victim and worry about the future. Nothing you can do about it other than to make yourself sick. So I'm working really hard on letting things happen as they will. Really need to stop the internal need to control the sitch. Drop the gun as I was once told. Took a while to get it but it is becoming clearer.
Truthfully I'm kind of exited about the future. Sounds nuts, right? This weekend I saw it with my own eyes that after a tragedy like this you can be happy again. Even happier than you could have imagined.
So yesterday during one of my walks something happened to me. Not sure how to define it. I think it was anger towards me. I saw myself on one of the many windows I passed bye. I didn't like what I saw, a beaten down dude full of helplessness and hopelessness.Really? I just started talking to myself, said this is gotta stop, WTF is happening to me? For a brief moment my depression went away. I even feel ok today.
I have begun to imagine living without W and what that will look like. You can call it imagery. I have a hard time doing that in regards to my D15. Guess I realized that I control my life to a point. I realized how dependent I have been on my W. Always knew she would be there. I almost did something stupid today, was gonna tell W to put the house on the market. But didn't will wait for my L to guide me.
TBH even tho I screwed up in the M I don't know if I want W back. She is living her own life and doing things that she likes. I don't fit in her life as I want different things for myself. Maybe this is what needed to happen.
What I've learned: stay away from Jerseygurls my two long R didn't work out.When I'm ready to date I will look west or even south except for VA pretty screwed state. lol
I thought you loved those VA women! What happened?
Rick, I guess you also need to ask yourself if your W fits into your life you've been building for yourself. Or at least IMO, that's where you might want to focus. What I mean is focus on defining what you want your life to look like.
You said you're thinking West, too? Does that mean Ohio?
except for VA pretty screwed state
Been there recently?
La I still love VA woman.
JB that is a hard question to answer since I'm still in the fog of pain. I'm going to try. I don't think she would. We have both gone different paths. As I grew older I wanted to be closer to her. She wanted more freedom to do other things. So there lays the conflict.
If Ohio is west I guess I will include it. Think u are the only person from Ohio I know?
Truegrit was there last weekend. Had a superb time with good friends. Had the best cup of coffee made by a guy who doesn't even drink it. Great food too. And was wakened by mules. Pretty loud. But the kicker, I got to choose my own sheep. I will say that is a freaking awesome weekend.
I'm originally from Ohio.
Oh ok La. Guess I will stay away from Ohio. Thanks lol
But the kicker, I got to choose my own sheep. I will say that is a freaking awesome weekend.
It is hard to get those things to lay down. You have to buy them dinner and talk to them real nice...
I'm glad you guys had fun.
The menu alone sounded amazing.
You met some of my favorite people in the world. Truly.
Having said that...
My Truegritter dry rub ribs are better.
Ask around. K does make some awesome dip though!
Geez Rick, first you say you love me, then I tell you I have a wedding dress, now you're giving me the brush-off.
Sign me,
Men!
Have a great weekend!
Thanks Bugsy. I do luvs you. But I'm still M. Lol
Truegrit you know what they on the boards. Actions speak louder. I'm always up for a car drive.
My Truegritter dry rub ribs are better.
Is that fact ?
We may need to know for sure : )
( I agree on everything else )
I'll be happy to be a judge
i'm done with all y'all! ya.. you keep talking about your east coast sheep.. lol (i was totally going to say something else but refrained at the last minute!). i hope you do make it out west rickster. why not in june????
glad you had an awesome time w/ friends. did you find a nice soft fluffy sheep?
Yesterday I felt anger. I see her going about and living her life. As if she threw me out with the garbage. Says a lot about how I view myself. Good friend challenged me today. Been thinking about his questions. Don't have answers yet but I'm thinking and digging. The fear is eating at me. That is my biggest problem. The irrational thoughts are keeping me busy and depressed. But I chip away a lil bit everyday.
I know things willmimprove. I know I will be happy again. I know I will make it. I just have to believe that chit and live accordingly. He said I need a plan. Goals. At my stage in life it is hard to think of plans. I had all my plans laid out already. But a boomerang knocked me of balance.
W has been acting weird last couPle of days. I go back to trusting her. Has been an issue for me since I know her. maybe splitting will be liberating will see.
I know I will be happy again. I know I will make it. I just have to believe that chit and live accordingly. He said I need a plan. Goals. At my stage in life it is hard to think of plans. I had all my plans laid out already. But a boomerang knocked me of balance.
Happens to the best of us.
Rick,
We are never too old for plans. As we make new ones and see them coming to fruition, it gets exciting. And we can begin to make more and really look forward again.
Maybe start with something small?
Rick, I agree with cat. Now's the time to make some exciting new plans. It's time to rewrite the book. Think outisde of the box, outside of your comfort zone.
I find myself posting less often about my sitch. Don't have anything good to post. W started rearranging to sell the place. In the past if she had asked me to help do something to it I would have in a sec. Now I don't feel like it it ain't my party. I do my share of the upkeep but that's it. I have told my L that she can keep all the furniture. I have moved us all by myself 3 times. Won't help on this one. Hope that is the right thing to do? But that's how I feel. I would move my D's stuff with no hesitation. But W will have to figure out her own.
You may not like what I'm about to say but it is how I feel. I think I'm more depressed about not seeing my kid when I please and losing my place than l am about losing my W?
Latetly I feel like a teenager again. Going to the beach with a friend, taking off for an entire weekend, coming and going as I please. Glad I'm depressed otherwise I would be getting in trouble and hurting my back like Kaffie. Lol
In exactly 7 days we wll have our 1st court date. W continues on the D path and she isn't looking back. Latetly I have been asking myself if she was to change her mind what would I do? That is a hard question to answer right now. Maybe something is happening to me and how I feel about things. But there has been too much damage done at this point to our M. W lied to me about certain things. I discovered that while going through her L's responses. Some financial stuff, and she lied when things were good? So my trust is shot. I always had trust issues with her. She always kept secrets regarding D and other things.
I'm concerned about what else might come up during court. I don't know what her finances are. She has many credit cards and uses them often. I have noticed that she has been putting things away, some closets are half empty. For some reason it does not bother me anymore like in the beggining. I will but my own stuff and furnish my place the way I like. W does have really good taste and an artistic eye. Let the count down begin. I actually feel ok?
Got an email from my L that made my me go into stinking thinking. But a friend smacked me around afterwards once he heard. I assume it is normal to feel tremendous loss. We are going to court next Tuesday. Talked to my L after the email. We talked about the division of assests. He says " you have had a long M. You have been M for 15 years". I said we will be M 17 years this coming August 1? He said no. Your M stopped when she filed. So in essense I have been single for almost a year. My W will not be happy when it comes to her 401k. He said the way it works is that in our state they are equalized. He also said something interesting. He said that females usually go after stuff like furtniture and man go after financial things like money. He also said so far we have been his easiest case. No violence no police involvement none of that stuff. Good I guess.
I looked at apartments and have decided on the one I like. I will ask my D to go see them. I have chosen a 2 bedroom instead of a one. I think I can afford it. They are super nice and only half the size of my current house. So not as bad as I thought.
Good for you, Rick! I'm glad you're taking some positive steps. It's going to be difficult but living with the cold shoulder for the last year hasn't been a picnic.
(((R)))
Rick you sound great, considering. There is a huge sense of loss. But your new place will be nice, and the second BR will be good for D15.
One thing my L said that got me thinking was that Tuesday will be our 1st court date. My W is in a deep fog and if I know her, she beliefs everything will go as she planned/believed. My L warned me that things may go south when she finds out I have rights. So I will have to be extra vigilant and patient. So sorry it came to this but my top concern is my D15 and my self.
And yes I'm exited about the future scared but exited. I don't what it holds but will live today as if it was my last day. So there I said it
Going to court tomorrow. Guess this M is over. I really tried but she won't budge. So pray for me guys. I think that I'm ok otherwise.
I'll be with you in spirit.
good luck rick - and walk in there head held high and only one thought in your mind:
"I expect things to go well"
zig
Cool, calm, and confident, Rick. Stay strong.
I wish you and your family the best Rick.
Good Luck today Rick. Praying for you!
Hang in there Rick...............youve gots lots of support and peeps behind U Sorry that your marriage has come to this Hug your daughter!!
Best of luck today Rick!! You are in my prayers!!
Thanks for all the well wishes. Nothing happened in court. We didn't settle on anything. Going back July 30th.
Just more time to regroup
You never know what could happen between now and then. Hang in there!!
Yeap. And at the advice of a friend while everyone was negotiating I stopped everyone and asked W if this is what she wanted. she looked confused so I said" a divorce". Because she did not answer one of the lawyer panelist said " he is asking if u want to reconcile. U can always get a d later". She never answer either way but she held back her tears. Though for everyone. so if anyone is thinking of getting a D think carefully.
wow, when push comes to shove...
keep an open mind and allow everything..
my first thought is just wait - let her come to you , if she does. stay well back
you were meant to get some more time for some reason - wait gently till it becomes known
take care of yourself
zig
I have had a couple of days to think about what happened in court Tuesday. Some of my fears are disappearing not sure why. I am kind of exited about the future. Most of my fears are financial ones. But God has always managed to provide for me so I will be ok. Broke but ok. Many months ago I told W that the quickest solution would be for her to buy me out of the house or vice versa. She declined and has since been packing. During mediation I offered to buy her out. Her head was spinning and she said that she wants the house now and that she was never told that she could buy me out? On top of that she will pay me alimony for 8 years it is not much but it will offset child support.The other issue is time with my D. I am still confused but the explanation is that because of her age it is more difficult to set times. Such as 50/50 and because of that my child support could be alot more. So some issues are non negotiable other much more so.
I have already spoken to a mortgage person and will have no issue in obtaining one. since court W has been even colder and looks sickly. I think she thought that on Tuesday the judge was gonna just say here you are divorce and Rick pack your crapp and hit th side walk. TBH this morning I just wished W was gone. Not sure where it came from and it is not anger. I just want peace and some control over my life. There I said it CONTROl. lol
The other issue is time with my D. I am still confused but the explanation is that because of her age it is more difficult to set times.
what does that mean? when i read that i assumed your D was really young, but then i scrolled down to see her age, and i thought - that's an odd reason. is it because a 15 yr old has much more going on with activities etc. i would think it would be easier when they are older to do 50/50, but maybe i'm wrong there. does your wife live very far away?
. TBH this morning I just wished W was gone. Not sure where it came from and it is not anger. I just want peace and some control over my life. There I said it CONTROl
Ha! good place to be - you've really let go. i'm in the same exact place this morning, but not without the anger and fed-upness i'm still feeling. i look forward to getting to where you are.
i'm not being flippant - i'm sure behind your words, there is still a lot for you to deal with. but applaud yourself for getting to this place. letting go of the outcome is the key to our success - according to my IC. I. of course am still working on that.
you, dear friend, are there!!
go treat yourself to something good today - you deserve it:)
zig
Hey Rick, just checking in. Hope you are doing ok, enjoy the weekend, its supposed to be great!!
Hey Gunny doing better everyday. Was thinking of a 30 mile bike ride tomorrow. I have lost more weight than I ever wanted to? Not comPlaining:)
So W seems like a super angry WAS ready to explode. Me I'm trying to enjoy my life. I have been meeting ladies on line. Is it right or wrong? Dunno yet. Haven't met one face to face yet but im learning about what I still need to work on. I think my M is so far gone that if W was to ask to R I don't think she will like the answer. But I won't know until and if it happens. So I have decided to live as if the M is dead and working on accepting it. Not easy after spending half of my life with her.
A new feeling is the excitment of anew life, new goals and maybe a new Partner. Just being able to spend quality time with my D without Ws interruptions or disagreements is a good feeling.
What I have learned so far:
I'm not broken
More people like me than don't
I'm a good man
I made many mistakes in the M so did she
I hate liars and being lied to
I have no control
I will have an awesome life post divorce. Better than imagined
I'm stronger than I felt for the past year
I'm funny really
My W does not define who I am
I love being a H and a dad
I need a road map to feel some control
God is watching over me
That is what is going on in my head right now. Still some depression but dealing with it. I no longer wish to be dead, have a head on coalition, or some other easy way out. I'm dealing with this head on.
Suddenly the future does not look so grim. I have met and made so many new friends that I have to increase my text minutes or be broke:)
We are almost at the one year mark of physical separation. She has gotten even colder. Last 2 days been really depressed. It just comes out of freaking no where. going to economic mediation July 5th. Not sure what it is. The fear is killing me and I need to stop that. Negative thoughts have again taken over. So not helpful. My brain is spiraling out of control at times and feel fatigued.
I hope she moves out soon. Can't take it any longer.
hi rick - it's okay - things will work out for the best, no matter which way it goes eventually. you need to have faith in only that, otherwise you'll start sinking.
you've done a lot of hard work on yourself - and you did it knowing that this could go either way, but you kept the faith all this time. don't let yourself down now, don't give in to the fear. it will take you over in ways you will never be happy about.
when you look back at this time, you'll want to see it as a time where you met your wall, and you stood straight and tall and unflinching in the face of your own fears. give yourself that gift, and love yourself enough to allow yourself to have that.
the fear is an empty fear - in the sense that it's the easier one to go with. sit with it quietly for as long as you need and keep digging deeper and finding out what you are actually afraid of. you might find that it is something different.
it's okay to feel it at the same time - it's natural and all of us will face it in one way or the other - but what we do with it when it comes to meet us - there lies the difference.
it's okay to be depressed too - the minute you allow your feelings and really acknowledge them instead of fighting them, they will dissolve and you will be able to see more clearly.
don't forget - it's not over until it's over
(((( ))))
zig
Was thinking of a 30 mile bike ride tomorrow.
Wow, Rick, I'm impressed! Did you go for the bike ride?
It sounds like it just keeps going on and on? And zig's right - it's not over until it's over.
Hang in there buddy. I am praying for you.
Concentrate on the exciting future you have in front of you. IOW, concentrate on the good part of your life and not the part that's crap right now.
Hey Rick, sorry to hear you're getting so stressed out right now. No one wants to have to go through economic mediation, that's totally understandable how you feel that way.
I'm not sure if anyone else recommended this, but have you looked into thought-stopping techniques at all? You can try googling it, it might help you combat the spiral. Also, you can go back to two posts ago - there's a lot of good stuff about you in there that might help you pull yourself back up out of the spiral. Hang in there.
Rick, I would think that ups and downs are part of the process. That doesn't make it easier tho. You've lived in a very difficult situation for a long time.
Be good to your self and concentrate on the positives in your life.
Rick,
You will be allright, these ups and downs are going to continue for a while. But reading what you have written about how life is not a grim as you once thought is very encouraging, you are at least seeing light at the end of the tunnel. You will feel better when the uncertainty is over, trust me!
Rick at least you saying you were going to do 30 miles pushed me a little harder last night. I went on a group ride last night, and I had it in my head, "Gotta ride farther than Rick, gotta ride farther than Rick!" Since you provided the smilies, I'll let you off the hook.
But you DID forget my two favorite friends:
JB u kick my arse so I wI'll keep trying. Lol
Today I told the rest of my staff of my divorce. Many suspected something others were not aware. they were concerned about my health since I lost so much weight and was not overweight to begin with. And others were concerned that I was having mental health issues and or their jobs were on the line. Either way I feel free. I told them right or wrong I dunno. In addition I changed my FB status to single. All those things let me breath? Some may aprove others won't. What matters is that I approve and feel ok with my decisions. I know my D cancelled her FB page Nd exw doesn't have one.
Either way I feel free. What matters is that I approve and feel ok with my decisions.
I'm happy for you Rick!
Need to vent because my chest is pounding and my skin is sweating.
If you don't know how I got here this a brief synopsis. I came home on a Monday in June of last year. It must have been June 17 or 18th. My W tells me that she thinks D failed two classes. And that it was no biggie because she can make it up in the summer. I think her non shallont attitude made me very angry. I acted on it screamed yelled cursed. I know childish. Than in the same week she goes on a 3 day horse shows and takes my D. I end up being the big jerk because D manages to finish summer school and go on to the 9th grade. A few weeks later whe I told W that D should not go to a graduation party as a consequence. I find ut she let her go. That day I went nuclear I threshed her and told her to leave. She did and five days later filed for a D. There's mire to this but won't go into it.
Today I got her report card. She failed every class exept one where she got a D. She also missed about 2 months of school. Didn't know about it. I asked her to come out of her room and told her my findings. She said she knew and was sorry. Her mother left this morning at 5am to do a 3 day horse show. I assume she knows.
For the anger piece. Some here think that I'm a walking angry doosh. Not so I may have conveyEd that in my writings and at the beginning. What I know now is that my parents had a hands off I don't believe in education mentality. Didn't know how much I resented that till today. In fairness my parents weren't educated at all. Ghezz my brother and I are the only males in our family with high school. And I'm the only male with higher education. So I am struggling right now with my Ws actions. But I'm also sad to realize that I have not been involved in her school. One reason is that W did not want me involved. My mistake she's my kid too. It won't ha
Don't worry about W's actions, worry about yours. Your year has been tough, so has D's.
You can't go back and make her grades better but you can help her come up with a plan for next year or even this summer.
Breathe, it will be OK.
Love ya, Rick.
i agree with bug, hang in there and breathe. what's done is done, and if you spend the energy beating yourself up about it , you'll waste it. use that energy to find ways to work with your D on how to make it better for her - and let her know that you love her just as much. she's hurting too
cut yourself some slack here - you are learning new ways to do everything and this is one of the things that's just next in line - you can only deal with it when you are ready - and now you are ready.
((( )))
zig
Take it from here, Rick. Don't go over the past, assign blame and anger toward W, try to figure out what happened, or otherwise send your energy backwards.
Sounds to me like D is crying for help. Is she ready to be in high school? Does she want help? Where was she for two months during school? She really needs you now, and needs your love and help, not your anger.
It's good that you've decided to be involved in her schooling now. Find out if you can, what's going on with her and how you can help.
What tools do you have to release anger? Long bike ride? Run? Find something so you can work that out not on your W and D.
Hey Rick, buy her a cake, bakeher a cake, get her to bake a cake with you.
I think by you getting more actively involved now, it will make a huge difference to D. She may be looking for that.
I agree with those who have said, rehashing the past and assigning blame isn't going to change anything. Find the tools you need for now and the future. Acknowledging your anger and your feelings towards your parents attitudes is a great first step.
I'm actually ok today. Did a bike ride and other stuff. I did not get angry or blame. I asked if she knew about her grades. She said she did. She turned any help down. I'm just glad I can come here and vent and not fly off the handle. Thanks guys
D is debating weather to attend summer school or redo the 9th grade. I don't think she will do well in the 10th since she hasn't learned the basics.
Also realized that we have passed the one year mark of separation. She remains the same. Divorce proceedings continue. Guess is time to party.
What's your advice to her been?
On the one-year mark, it is just a date. It's actually nice to get past it.
R- My s15's grades went in the dumper this year. He is only living with me and his mom still has yet to try to reach out to him and connect more so I take a lot of responsibility for him struggling.
Anyhow, this was a very tough year for him as I know it was for your d.
They are going to benefit from our new found sense of worth and everything else so lets do our best moving forward into next year.
Wishing u the best my friend!
Thanks guys. I decided that it is best for her to re-do the 9th grade and at least get a good foundation. The guidance counselors won't be back till after July 4th. Need to sit with them. I can't not be involved and blame W. She always took care of her schooling but things are different now.
That sounds like a good decision. What is causing her to struggle? Are her friends poor students? Where's she been going during school and can you get her to stop skipping? I worry about my S14 when our sitch comes out.
Rick,
When it comes to ours kids, we (the LBS) need to step up and teach them to ways of life.
Never rely on the WAS to make good decisions for the kids.
If there is something the WAS had/has an issue with then a discuss may be needed.
Lead your kids to greatness!
I finally got a call from the guidance counselor. She is not the one working with my D. She will be in on Monday. But the one I spoke with said it would not be a good idea for her to do summer school. So she will be doing the 9th grade again. She had 51 unexcused misses. I know she stays home and doens't go anywhere. W knows of the abscences. No excuse for me not be involved ever again. Even if D resents it too bad. I have let my L know and this will be discussed in mediation July 19th. I asked that any absences for other than emergencies be clreared with my 1st. He said that will be doable.
Last night I had to talk to W regarding logistical stuff. Told her that my mortgage company wants to assess the house next Monday. I am unable to take off from work and she is home she said "I guess so". I emailed her later on confirming the appoinment and said thank you she responded "ok". That's the most talk we have had in months. I really didn't want to do that don't want the emotions getting to me but had to. Other than that there is no changes, W continues to cook dinner and to serve me. It is so strange to have that happen.
i know u like those lol