I have developed a weekly habit of checking the local court records online to see if my W's L has filed for divorce. Today I saw that she had.
She said she would so it shouldn't be a surprise, it would have been nice if we could have settled everything beforehand but we're so far apart on alimony (I offered an amount for 4 years, she wants double the amount for 6 years). My L said she could get what she's asking for it all depends on the judge.
Not sure whether I should appeal to her sense of fairness (she has pre-marital assets, parents with money and local family to help). My family has no money, any assets I had are pretty much co-mingled and no local family to assist with the girls.
Not even sure I should mention it until I receive the summons - I do hope she has the decency not to have me served at work, I mean there are nicer ways of handling this.
I know her L is looking out for her best interests, but it's disappointing that it likely will impact our future relationship if this gets into a battle over alimony.
I'm down - but I'll recover.....
Peace everyone....
Crap Peter! Sorry this is unfolding for you the way it is. My best advice is to work with your L on strategies for how to best address the alimony. If you get shared custody, perhaps that would have some influence? Also, wouldn't your W's A's have some bearing on matters as it relates to alimony? If not, that is too bad because it sure seems like it should!
Is there any way you can go to the process servers office and intercept the summons? May be worth looking into. I know I wouldn't want a process server showing up at my work either!
How are the kids doing?
Hang in there!
Sorry you are a bit down Peter. Even if you were expecting it, acutally seeing that she filed must of been extremely tough.
I know you will do whatever you feel is best for yourself and your daughters.
Best of Luck to you. We're here with you!!
Hi folks....
W and I talked on Fri and agreed spousal support, it's higher than I wanted to pay but I can live with it. She says she'll go to her L and have the matrimonial agreement with me this week, so that's pretty much settled. She didn't tell me she filed - I didn't tell her I knew she had.
As soon as it's signed I'll start plans to move out - my W's affair is ongoing, I have not let on that I know (she claimed it ended a couple of months back) - I have had enough pride that I'm not going to be at home, looking after the girls while she is out and about. To me it's a total lack of respect and I don't deserve that.
Had a good weekend with the girls, took them horseback riding and we all picked horses out for the Kentucky derby and watched the race. We have movie night on Saturday's where D7 and I take turns picking a movie, make popcorn - this week was "the spy next door".
Managed to do some GAL today - played a round of golf with a buddy I hadn't seen for months. I filled him in on the situation - he's offered me a place to stay if needed, but it's really too far away from the girls. I need somewhere closer..
Peace everyone...
Hi Peter
Check out Airbnb, they handle renting rooms in people's houses or renting someone's house while they are away, it can be a really nice temporary solution. My friend got a job in Hartford and lives out of state so he is renting a room for $30 per night with a young family via Airbnb
Accuray
You sound like a new man!
Thanks Bklyn - I'm hoping that was a compliment.
Accuray - thanks for the recommendation, will look into it.
It was a compliment. You have your own life. Golfing, horseback riding. Kind of sexy:)
I wouldn't call what I do horseback riding.
My seven year old is a better rider than me - I sit there and let the horse lead me
Though now I know it's sexy - I may start taking it seriously...
Another nice thing about AirBnb is if you room with a family you're not feeling quite so alone and coming home to an empty place. Something to think about
Hey folks :
Nothing new to report - but I do have a question.
The marital agreement my W's lawyer is drawing up says spousal support will end "on cohabitation (60 continuous days) with an adult male who is unrelated and not a tenant".
I objected to the "and not a tenant" - what's to stop OM moving in and writing a small check every month. My W called me controlling.. Am I being unreasonable? Seems to me it would be almost impossible to prove that he wasn't a tenant. It's not like she has a history of renting out rooms to men.
I would be concerned about that too. .. but then my W called me controlling as well. : )
Can "your" objection be made through your L so it sounds less like it's coming from you? What did your L say about that clause, or are you not using the L for the agreement?
I paid my L to review the original agreement and give me feedback. My L wanted another 7.5k as a retainer and I felt it was a waste of money unless we went to litigation.
Well, I think you COULD go to court and push a case that proves that theoretical OM is actually a lover and not just a tenant.
That being said - is this really the hill you want to die on?
I'll tell you what it's like from MY side. I have a similar clause in my divorce agreement. I mommy-tracked my career for 2 decades while supporting my H in his pursuit of excellence and success. The alimony I receive helps make up some of the difference between my earning power now, and what my earning power might have been if MY career had been the family priority. It is essential to me being able to buy my own home, pay for my share of kids' college expenses, and save for retirement.
Since my divorce I have dated a couple of men who might (theoretically) have been in a position where staying at my house for a few months would have been very helpful to them. But it's not something I can even consider offering.
Even non-date male friends who might make great tenants, I wouldn't consider - because my H is just the type to try to make something out of it, even if there's nothing going on.
Meanwhile, my H is free to live with his girlfriend, which he has for the last couple of years.
kml - I don't mind her having a tenant, but having OM move in and I still pay full alimony would be a bitter pill to swallow.
She will be getting more than enough $$ in CS and alimony to live a comfortable lifestyle (greater than 55% of my salary) - if she chooses to invite a man to the home to share her life I don't think I should be funding it.
My W didn't give up her career - she wanted to be a full-time mum. There is nothing stopping her from getting a full-time job, she chooses not to. I will have the girls 50% of the time and give up more than half my salary - (NY state does not take into account % parenting time when calculating CS - just the monied spouse pays unless it's greater than 50% of the time).
So in short - yes I feel justified doing this.
NYCPeter I would def have issues with another person moving in and I was funding the relationship. Stand your ground on this and establish some firm boundaries. Best of luck to you.
Well it's been a big week.
I received the final matrimonial agreement from my W's L - I'll sign it barring any red flags from my L. As I'm sure is the case with everyone, there was some give and take but I feel I am giving more - I did get the time I wanted with the girls and W gets more $$ than I wanted to pay, but as my L says - in court she could have got more depending on the judge.
We received a cash offer on the house contingent on inspection. I thought it was too low - my W wants to accept, we've negotiated up a little, but buyers want to move in by mid June.
I feel worn down by the D - I want my W to be happy, I'm assuming her A continues (she still comes in late after work) - I am moving on with my life.
A close friend said I must be "bitter" - I said my W and girls are the best thing that ever happened to me. Now it's time to have new experiences with my girls.
Peace everyone....
What a great attitude. You inspire me.
Apologies - I owe everyone a long overdue update.
I'm still in a good place - the D is progressing at a rapid pace and I really don't have any plans to stop it.
Our house has sold - we've settled everything re: separation agreement and I am moving out next week (house needs to be vacated by the end of the month).
I have found an apartment complex nearby and my W will be moving to a small cottage - She has promised I can see the girls as often as I like outside of the pre-arranged times.
Divorce is filed - should be final in 6 weeks.
My W's affair continues - but that really is no concern of mine, she chose this path and I haven't let on that I know that it's ongoing.
Looking forward to making a new home for the girls to come and stay with me. W is working all weekend so I get to take them horseback riding and planning to take them to a minor league baseball game on Sunday.
Overall I'd say I'm content - it's not what I wanted, but it's a life I can build on and I know my girls will be a big part of it.
Peace everyone....
P - glad to hear you have found a place where you can be content. Your girls have a great dad.
Peter u sound pretty good. I'm behind ya in the process. Keep on being the great dad that u are.
Ps: by any chance did u get 2 ticket to the Brazil Argentina game next weekend and not planning on using them?
GM maybe he should go to bar for beer it is safer than a soccer game, really. Lol
GM I hear ya. He should wear a Brazillian t shirt and sit on the Argentinian side. LOl
The Euros start next week.
I'll be cheering on England - but have no expectations, Spain are far stronger than anyone else.
Well here I am - sitting in the apt I have rented.
I moved in over the weekend with the help of a couple of friends. It's a nice place and big enough to accomodate the girls, but also small enough for a single person (if any of that makes sense).
D7 stayed over on Sat night - it's our usual movie night.. She even let me pick the movie (she usually gets her way). Black Beauty - I knew she would enjoy it as she loves horses.
W is moving into her cottage in a couple of weeks and our house is closing on the 24th of this month, best place I ever lived...
No D paperwork, still need to sign a couple of things - figure her L must be busy.
W is pretty distant - that's to be expected, only receive texts and they are all business and to the point.
Only one real moment of "pain" since I left the house - the walls are pretty bare (we split furnishing but most of the decorative stuff was my W's) - I thought I'd get some collage frames and put photos of the girls up. Going thru the photos - we had so many good times, but they are gone now.
All in all I'm good - looking forward to the weekend. Girls are staying over Fri - Sun night. Horseback riding and minor league baseball is on the cards.
Peace everyone...
Peter, you sound great. You sound like a different man than a few months ago, much more confident.
Your W is a fool. You are blessed with 2 beautiful girls, enjoy your time with them.
ps - I hate family photos too sometimes
BklynMom is right you are so different. Now is time to visit Pier 1 and Bed and Bath. Love those stores buy stuff and make that place home.
I thought I'd get some collage frames and put photos of the girls up. Going thru the photos - we had so many good times, but they are gone now.
Why not leave half of them blank, and leave them for "Yet to be determined" ????
It won't mean that the past didn't happen, it's just that sometimes you have to leave some of the past behind, to clear a way for the future..
You are going to have a lifetime to fill those frames...
Maybe it is something the girls will want to help you with ???
Going thru the photos - we had so many good times, but they are gone now.
They're not gone. Nobody can take those memories away from you unless YOU let them.
And like my buddy Mach said - you've got plenty of time to make many more.
Chin up!!
How about getting some new photos of just you and the girls?
Definitely include some current of you and the girls, some new memories will be nice for you.
I agree about going to Pier 1 and getting a few things. I may do that myself later this week. Maybe treat yourself to a Fathers day gift?
Thanks for the replies.
I have been a frequesnt visitor to Pier1 and "Bed, Bath & Beyond" over the last week.
Yes - having the girls select which pictures to include in the collages will be part of our plans this weekend.
W texted last night - "D paperwork ready, do you want to drive over to pick up", I didn't respond. I'm picking up the girls tonight - why do I need to pick up a day earlier.
Hope all the dads out there have a great father's day.
Peace everyone.
Happy father's day to you, Peter! A man who truly deserves the distinction of being a great dad!!
Thanks 2TP - I'm blushing....
Had a great weekend with the girls - was sad to drop them off last night, my W tried to engage me in general conversation but I really didn't want to - I'm not ready to be friends with her at the moment, I don't like what she has done to our family and if she were a casual acquaintence I would not be her friend.
I notorized the D papers today - sent her an email telling her the time I would be home over the next couple of nights so she can pick them up.
Meeting an old work colleague for a meal after work tonight and have plans every night his week (how's that for GAL) - just feel I need to keep busy...
Peace everyone.
Happy father's day to you, Peter! A man who truly deserves the distinction of being a great dad!!
Yes u do, Happy F-day Peter.
- I'm not ready to be friends with her at the moment, I don't like what she has done to our family and if she were a casual acquaintence I would not be her friend.
have plans every night his week (how's that for GAL) - just feel I need to keep busy...
Peace everyone.
I'm feeling the same lately w/ respect to my w wanting to be friends. Its been tough and I think GAL activities are a great way to keep moving forward, good job.
Sorry - I have not reported on here for a while.
Well I am sad to report the D went through last week,it was really weird, as I thought I would be notified of the date in advance, apparently if you have a settlement agreement in place - the papers are filed and then reviewed / rubber-stamped.
I accidently found out on Friday (I dropped my L after we had a settlement agreement in place) - when I logged into the county court website and saw that it was completed on Weds. I still don't have the actual papers.
I have been trying to see my girls as often as possible and my W has been very good about me seeing them. For example last weekend was not my weekend, but I took my girls to a carnival / fireworks and brought them to my Ex-W's home and looked after them until she finished work.
Interaction with my Ex-W has been strictly business about the girls and any other logistics re: the D.
Work has been very busy so I've not really had many opportunities for GAL - suits me for now, I would rather be kept busy, though I do have a concern re: work as we recently lost a big client. Not sure what the down-stream impact is.
Money is tight - but manageable, I bring lunches every day to work and cook larger meals and freeze them.
One interesting thing, when I was at Ex-W's house on Saturday, I noticed one of our wedding photos (my Ex-W and I dancing at the wedding), was on a shelf as you climb the stairs. Not sure if she just wanted to fill the space with a picture (or put it up for my benefit as she knew I would be there). I know mind-reading, she probably doesn't even realize it's there.
I'd like to thank all the good folks on this forum - not sure I would be in the place I am today without you all. It's not where I expected to be in life, but I am doing my best to be the best father I can be. GAL will come as work dies down a little...
I will check in on the forum on a semi-regular basis and provide feedback where I can and pot any updates.
Peace everyone.
I am sorry to hear that NYCPeter. ((( )))
I'd like to thank all the good folks on this forum - not sure I would be in the place I am today without you all. It's not where I expected to be in life, but I am doing my best to be the best father I can be. GAL will come as work dies down a little...
Peter, at the end of the day, you play your best hand with the cards you are dealt and know that a bigger and better hand is just one shuffle and deal away.
Keep your focus on you and your kids and one day great things will happen for you. Of that I am sure!
Take care!
Hi everyone -
I guess I'm doing fine, been divorced over 2 months now.
Still have problems completely detaching (how can I say that when I'm divorced).
Work is still very busy - so I've not needed to fill the void with other activities - I still play soccer and golf when I can but haven't met any new people or started new activities.
I am seeing a lot of the girls which is great - my Ex has been very good about me seeing the girls in her time and switching times when I have an event.
Ex is still cordial but business like. I dropped the girls off yesterday - she chatted to D7 about the weekend while I was unloading the car. The only comment to me was "where are the checks" - meaning child / spousal support, I couldn't help myself - I just shook my head and said they are in the bags. Yes I know, I should have just smiled and explained where they were.
I partially signed up for a dating site (never completed the profile) - did a search locally and saw my Ex was on there. Her A is obviously over - she told a mutual friend that she is "heart-broken", our friend said that it's never too late - she said it wasn't about me, it was about her boyfriend. Really didn't need to hear that - but I guess my friend was trying to help me move on.
So all in all - I think about her less every day, I still wish I was married - but that will gradually go. In the meantime - keep myself busy and find myself a new lady friend
Peace everyone.
You are doing the best you can with the cards you have. Good for you.
It's hard not to hate them for doing this to the kids.
You are so blessed to have two beautiful girls. Enjoy every moment with them. They are lucky to have you for a dad.
Hi folks - no real updates..
Ex and I communicate about the girls but that's about it. Work is very hectic, but that should end after this week - I have a trip planned to Vegas next weekend, so will be golfing / gambling and having a couple of drinks with two of my best friends.
Today is my wedding anniversary, I so wanted to send an email to my Ex acknowleding the date but need someone to talk me out of it.
Peace everyone.
I am still fairly new to this and to solving major relationship issues. I have read your posts from the beginning and in place of some great worldly advice, which I am sure a vet will provide on here, I can only offer an opinion and support.
I am sorry you have gone through all of this but I admire your dedication and love for your children. I can relate even if our situations are different.
My gut reaction is that acknowledging the wedding anniversary means more to you than it does to her. Not sure why I would put it out there at this point. I understand why you are asking and struggling but I am not inclined to offer it up to her.
I wish you the best, will pray for you and your family and will continue to follow your journey.
Don't but then you knew that.
And I understand the wanting to.
Well folks - it's been around 6 months since I last posted on here. Thought I would give a short update.
Ex and I are still cordial - we get along fine but don't communicate unless it's about the girls. I see the girls a lot, which is great - she asks me to take them as she needs to work and her family isn't able to help her as they did initially.
One of my biggest concerns was staying active in my girls lives - I'm happy to say I am more active than I ever was. I have started dating someone (it's been 3 months) - and we get along great, we're at the stage where we may meet each other's children casually at an event we both attend.
I wanted everyone to know that despite the dark days, you will come out of this whatever the outcome. I didn't want the D and I would have done whatever it took to have prevented it. But those weren't the cards I was dealt.
I wish everyone all the success and happiness in the world. I just wanted to say that however dark it looks today, there will be better days - whatever the outcome.
Peace everyone.
Wow great to hear from you and VERY GLAD things are going well -- that's something to inspire all of us, your sitch was very hard for very long. I'm glad you've found happiness. Where did you meet your girlfriend?
Hi Peter! I'm really glad to hear you are doing well and happy that you make the time to check in every once in awhile. People are inspired by your story and your resilience. Keep plugging away.
Take care!