Time to start a new thread...
Here's the last thread. You should be able to get to the others from there:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2237123#Post2237123Musings...
So...I watched the NFL Draft (well most of it) with H last night. We order pizza & wings - tailgate food. Total 180 for me because I am SO not a football fan, and this is yet another thing on his list of things I do wrong: I don't act interested in anything he's interested in. It was actually fun for me. Surprise, Surprise, Surprise! *In my Gomer Pyle voice*
I've been thinking. Yes, here we go again...LOL As skeptical as I am of anything H does that's nice and caring, he's just as skeptical that my changes are real. I've been so into what I "think" he's trying to do (i.e., get over on me, use me as his nursemaid, etc.), but had not once considered that he could be thinking I'm "acting" just to get him to stay, when I really haven't changed at all. Made me look at things a bit differently.
I look at our interactions, and I can see a clear difference in how I used to respond to him. And I do occasionally see a look of surprise in his eyes when the reaction isn't what he's used to. It's a shame that it took all this to get me to see it. But I also realized I'm no longer doing it for him. I enjoy being a mostly happy person. Which in turn makes me a happy wife (hopefully).
I'd love to get to the point where I'm detached enough that I don't think about him having an A every hour. It used to be every minute, so I guess that's improvement. I also need to get to a place of no expectations. God is going to have to help me with this one, because I'm terrible at that. Especially when his actions don't necessarily coincide with him wanting to leave.
I still feel like I should be DOING something to get some movement in my sitch, but I realize now may not be the right time. I'm a fixer, but I can't fix this. Knowing that s*cks most of the time to be honest. I'm SuperWoman...there's nothing I CAN'T fix! But I promised myself I'd give DBing my all, so that's what I'm going to do.
An observation: I've been giving hello kisses ALL week when I come in from work. Based on his reactions, I'd say H is now looking for this when I come through the door. And for once, I don't feel like its a chore. I want to do it. Maybe that's progress?
awesome...they say 14 days of doing something everyday and it becomes a habit...
so hello kisses are a habit now
try to tack on something else....how about a special little saying or a little snuggle that becomes an inside thing between you two?
I used to have a boyfriend that everytime we wanted to get frisky...we would suggest a game of scrabble.
So...we could be out with our friends or at the movies or anywhere and I could simple say, outloud in front of Grandma Dorothy...how much I was looking forward to our game of scrabble later....and we would add all sorts of jokes about it with.
Obvioulsy we are no longer dating and he is happily married but we are still friends and have some great laughs over it still
could you develop something like that? Initiate a naughty game (or a sensual game or a loving game or a funny game) that is just between you TWO???
What's sad is that we used to do stuff like that all the time. Not sure when it stopped.
I actually got some great advice from Purgatory on something kinda like this. I won't go into detail because that would be TMI, but there were three things for him to choose from. He choose #2 & #3. LOL So I texted him this morning and said have a great day, and that I was looking forward to my #2 & #3, love you. He responded with: ;-) Love you too!
So I guess that's something close to what you are talking about. I'll have to think about the other stuff we used to do.
Journaling…
Had a BUSY, busy weekend with volunteering for Special Olympics, driving to NC to see SS in the Grand March at his Sr. Prom, driving back home, and church activities all day Sunday basically. I’m still worn out, but the highlight was seeing my SS. God, I love that kid!
H didn’t go with me to NC – said his knee was bothering him too bad. I was irritated, but let it go eventually. He then proceeded to call me several times on the ride down and back to check on me, and make sure I wasn’t too tired to drive. He even talked to his mother and made sure to tell me I could stay at their house if I was too tired. *scowl*
By the time I got home, I was almost delirious from lack of sleep. H jumped right in making sure I had my back medicine, and even helped turn down the covers on the bed. I will admit it irritated me because it felt like he was making up for not going with me. (Remember we had previously discussed this during out conversation about my trip to NC two weeks ago. I told him I never would have gone then had I known I would have to drive by myself twice)
Had a great time at church on Sunday, even though I was tired. I called him to see if he needed anything from the store since I was on my way home, and he told me that he had just gotten back from getting us breakfast – since he knew I would be tired. I was surprised and just said thank you.
Not sure what is going on with him and OW. Since she makes sure I can see her tweets on Twitter, I found out that she was in my area this weekend. Of course, before I thought about it, I asked H if he had seen her. He said no, he didn’t even know she was up here. We went back and forth for a while. I was pretty calm about it, but noticed he seemed annoyed that she was up here and he didn’t know. I called him out on it, and he said he wasn’t annoyed at all. He repeated that he didn’t know she was here, and he didn’t see her, and kinda trailed off the sentence. I asked him if he would tell me if he did see her. He just looked at me, and repeated that he hadn’t seen her. I said not that it would matter now anyway, I guess, but I still wanted to know. I said you were very pushy about me staying in NC last night. Was it because she was here. He got kind of animated and matter of fact, and said he was doing that because he was worried about me doing all that driving by myself knowing I had already had a full day, and that was it. All in all, it was a very strange conversation. I guess he wasn’t too upset about it because the Ward Cleaver thing continued for the rest of Sunday. He even cooked Sunday dinner, hurt knee & all.
Yesterday, I had to turn in this bi-yearly financial form at work, which lists details of our finances, down to bank accounts, who we owe, taxes, etc. So I had to get H’s bank account information. Since he was so adamant about moving out the last time we talked, this would give me a chance to know if he financial would be able to. The answer to that question is no. Unless he has money stuffed in a mattress somewhere, he can’t afford to sleep in his car at this point. And because of where I work, he knows I could lose my job if he isn’t honest about his finances, I’m pretty sure it’s accurate. Not that this means anything I know. Who knows...he may think sleeping in his car is a step up from living with me. Whatevs. LOL
All in all, still holding steady I guess – well after Sunday anyway. Trying to keep my mouth SHUT! It’s hard sometimes though, but I am getting better. I’m also constantly reminding myself that I don’t have DO anything right now. And telling myself that while we are getting along, and acting like we’re happily M, the A is still the elephant in the room. So unless he tells me that it’s over, and he wants to R or work on our M, or he moves out, and we separate, just keep focusing on being the best me I can be (and afterwards of course). It’s so easy to fall back into the habit of believing we’re in love and okay, and back where I thought we were in January.
Just wanted to say that sometimes being a girl s#cks. I'm having an emotional night. Wish I had a time machine to jump to the happier part of my life that's coming...M saved or not.
Really feeling like I'm getting the short end of the stick here, even after all I've been through in life. I know God doesn't play favorites but it sure feels like I've been put at the bottom of his list. Just something else I need to work through.
I'm sure I'll be fine tomorrow. Haven't been this emotional in a few days. Kinda caught me off guard until I looked at the calendar. LOL
Chill relax and let God. K?
I had an emotional day, too!
Hang in there!
I also have to keep telling myself that God has some sort of plan for me to get through this w or w/o my husband and to just keep persevering!
Sounds like we all have:-)
Sorry, Ro, hope you're feeling better. These things wear on us emotionally, physically & spiritually.
A perspective I try and keep and feel free to take it or leave it but I try and remember that each one of us have free will. We can choose to do good or otherwise. Any one of us can be impacted negatively by others poor choices regardless of the positive choices we make each day.
It goes back to what we can control and what we can't. My relationship with God is not based upon the choices of others and IMO, I won't hold God accountable for when others make choices that I feel are not what God would prefer.
I fully believe God is still there for you and is walking with you. He knows what you're made of and maybe this sitch, as unfortunate as it is, may help you see what you are made of for yourself and how God will see you through.
((Ro))
so...it's good that she was in the area and he didn't see her, right???
small steps
I try and remember that each one of us have free will. We can choose to do good or otherwise. Any one of us can be impacted negatively by others poor choices regardless of the positive choices we make each day.
It goes back to what we can control and what we can't. My relationship with God is not based upon the choices of others and IMO, I won't hold God accountable for when others make choices that I feel are not what God would prefer.
I like your perspective here CES^^^.
Hope you are having a better day Ro. As much as things may seem to suck I do see a lot of positives in your sitch. What can you do to focus on those more instead of the negative feelings you are having? What you focus on expands right?
so...it's good that she was in the area and he didn't see her, right???
small steps
Yes, that is good. (begrudgingly agrees LOL)
Chill relax and let God. K?
If I could do THAT, would I even be here? LOL
Thanks man! :-)
Thanks hoping, April, and wishing. I'm better today. I think I'm just tired and need some rest.
Sorry, Ro, hope you're feeling better. These things wear on us emotionally, physically & spiritually.
A perspective I try and keep and feel free to take it or leave it but I try and remember that each one of us have free will. We can choose to do good or otherwise. Any one of us can be impacted negatively by others poor choices regardless of the positive choices we make each day.
It goes back to what we can control and what we can't. My relationship with God is not based upon the choices of others and IMO, I won't hold God accountable for when others make choices that I feel are not what God would prefer.
I fully believe God is still there for you and is walking with you. He knows what you're made of and maybe this sitch, as unfortunate as it is, may help you see what you are made of for yourself and how God will see you through.
((Ro))
I totally agree with you. I KNOW God has been with me and has never left my side. How else would I even have the strength to do what I'm doing?
Sometimes I just feel like God is thinking I'm must stronger than I actually am. I do want to scream out Why can't my life be easier? There's a reason for everything...including what I'm going through. I know I'll come out greater and better on the other side, but going through it is not easy for me. But in the words of Israel and New Breed...I'm moving, moving, forward...
Thanks for your words of encouragement. It reall means alot.
I try and remember that each one of us have free will. We can choose to do good or otherwise. Any one of us can be impacted negatively by others poor choices regardless of the positive choices we make each day.
It goes back to what we can control and what we can't. My relationship with God is not based upon the choices of others and IMO, I won't hold God accountable for when others make choices that I feel are not what God would prefer.
I like your perspective here CES^^^.
Hope you are having a better day Ro. As much as things may seem to suck I do see a lot of positives in your sitch. What can you do to focus on those more instead of the negative feelings you are having? What you focus on expands right?
I have a hard time seeing positives when they are not the positives I WANT to see. LOL
You are right. I need to focus on the positive things that are happening right now. Someone smart (nhmom I believe) told me to start a gratitude list. I'm beginning to think I'm going to need more than one list.
Thanks for checking in on me SIAS! :-)
Saga from yesterday: I went off on H over the phone about his A yesterday, when I should have just kept my mouth shut. I was having severe back pain, and I was in a FOUL mood. I knew I shouldn't have said anything, and ended the conversation by saying,"Never mind, just forget I said anything. I know this is something I have to deal with on my own."
By the time I got home, he was asleep on the couch (or pretending to be sleep). This is one of his tactics whenever we usually argue. I just dropped my stuff off in the kitchen and headed to lay down myself. Took a quick nap, but didn't really rest because of my back.
And here's where I start looking at him like he has 2 heads, or as I like to call it - "the side eye". i got up from my nap, and we actually ended up hanging out a bit and watching some TV together (Kevin Hart on Modern Family...HILARIOUS!) He's offering to give me a back massage or go grab me some dinner. We both want to see "The Avengers" this weekend, but of course I have to see all of the individual movies first. LOL I haven't seen "Thor", so he searches on Netflix, OnDemand, etc. to see if he can find it. Figures out Red Box has it. I say okay, I'll go by there tomorrow.
This morning, he asked if I have any cash. I say no, but I need to go to the bank today anyway. He says he can run to the store before work (which will make him late). I tell him it's up to him. He comes back with cash, AND the movie "Thor". I said Oh wow, thank you!"
I do KINDA feel bad that I chewed him out yesterday. It was like I couldn't stop myself. I think deep down I'm REALLY annoyed and angry at him for being so nice, helpful, etc. He wants to leave, so why do all of this stuff? It confuses me. DETACH, DETACH, DETACH!
Need to work on just being quiet a lot more. And remembering that I can only control ME.
ro.. you're right. you can only control yourself.
H may be doing nice things because he's sincere... maybe it's guilt.. the reasons may never be revealed. analyzing and trying to figure him out will only drive you crazy.
love is a choice. given the situation.. what do you choose to do?
you are an amazingly strong, beautiful woman. i don't even need to see a picture to know that. focus on yourself. and try not to worry about what he's doing.
(((( ))))
ro.. you're right. you can only control yourself.
H may be doing nice things because he's sincere... maybe it's guilt.. the reasons may never be revealed. analyzing and trying to figure him out will only drive you crazy.
love is a choice. given the situation.. what do you choose to do?
you are an amazingly strong, beautiful woman. i don't even need to see a picture to know that. focus on yourself. and try not to worry about what he's doing.
(((( ))))
BF, thanks for stopping by. I need to stop analyzing (I majored in Computer Science. That's what I do. LOL)
I am choosing to love. I just need to choose it in a detached way. I need to also do a better job of focusing on me. I have always been bad with that!
In other news, apparently H and I are going to the movies together. Either tonight or tomorrow. He hasn't actually asked me, I think he knows I want to see "The Avengers", and assumed we'd go together. Last night, he asked me if I could do 3D movies with my vertigo. I said I wasn't sure. I'd just have to try it.
We haven't gone to the movies together since before the bomb - like December! Stay tuned!
Hope you have a great time! Hear it is fantastic:) I hope to go this weekend as well...either alone or with the girls!
Let us know how it goes..
April, I've been looking forward to this movie since Ironman 2! LOL I will go see with H or by myself.
I also need to get some stuff done around the house since H will be off of his feet next week because of the knee surgery. Lots to do this weekend!
Updates from the weekend...
Saturday: I spent the day with H as my shadow. He helped me clean out my car (he volunteered); he drove me around all day while my car was in the shop (also volunteered for this), and basically acted like the H I married. It was a day like we used to have; where we'd just ride around town, shop some, and laugh a lot. He finally found his wedding ring under the seat in his car this morning, and has had it on since. Have to keep reminding myself that nothing has changed and to keep my expectations at next to nothing.
Sunday: Went to see The Avengers. Great movie btw. I saw a glimpse of H that I don't get to see often enough, but want to.
We get to the theater and I can't find my phone. Go back and look in the car - no phone. (Mini freak- out starts) So I ask him to call Verizon and suspend my service until I can get home and look for it. Long story short - I go get movie snacks while he deals with Verizon. When I get back to my seat, he says he talked to Verizon and everything is good. I tell him thank you for taking care of it. Then I say that I wasn't planning on buying a new phone yet. He says not to worry, he's worked out a plan, and if I have to get a new phone then we'll just use the other phone line we have. I saluted him and said okay. (He said it like I'm in the driver's seat now lady. Sit back and enjoy the ride.)
Now, my H is not what you would call a decision maker. He pretty much just lets life happen. For him to take charge like that, even over something small, surprised me. It doesn't happen often and he hasn't done it at all post-bomb. It made me think about him being the strong H type in his next R, and then I got mad & sad all in one swoop.
The movie started and I moved on. (Ladies, Thor & Hawk Eye make the movie worthwhile. LOL) Oh, and I did find my phone at home.
Later Sunday night: I asked H if he had told his mistress (yes I used the word) that he was coming into town for my sister’s graduation next weekend. He swirls his head around real fast, says no, and asks why. I tell him being that he would be so close (30 mins from her house); I know she would want to see him. I said it was my sister’s weekend and I did not want any drama. He said there would not be any drama...that he didn’t tell her anything.
Something is going on with the board. Can't post everything all at once...stay tuned!
He seems to be getting defensive, and I call him on it. He says he’s not defensive, and that he didn’t tell her he was coming. I said well being that it’s Mother’s... Day (she has 4 kids), and your birthday weekend, surely she would want to see you. He looks at me and says it’s my sister’s weekend and that’s more important. I say well I know you’ve talked to her (I don’t, but I’m guessing). He says yes he’s talked to her, but didn’t tell her anything about the weekend. What he doesn’t know is that in one of my earlier snooping periods, I found an email from her talking about canceling his “surprise” birthday party scheduled for that weekend. Guess they had had an argument that day. *shrug*
It’s just strange. Our conversations about his A before were…different. He would answer whatever questions I had with what seemed like quiet defiance, now that I think about it. Like he wanted me to go off or something. Now, if I even mention her, he jumps down my throat. And not in any way that seems like he’s defending her either.
At least I confirmed that they still talk, which I was guessing still happened. Although, he didn’t talk to her all day Saturday because we were together, and unless he called her while I was out running errands yesterday (entirely possible) he didn’t talked to her then either. They have probably texted, but I’ve also noticed he hasn’t been on his phone as much recently. Before, I would have to pry it out of his cold dead hands before he put it down. Also, I’m still pretty sure he hasn’t seen her since February. This is partially based on him (if he was being honest) and the fact that he only went out of town once since Vegas.
I don’t know what to think. If I was willing to cheat on my wife, and I supposedly “loved” this person, h#ll freezing over wouldn’t keep me from seeing her. I’m thinking something else is going on. *side eye* If I find out that there is something going down this weekend, I’m going to break my foot off in H's butt and he’s going to have wish he had no knees instead of one hurt one by the time I finish.
I hope all of that can be pieced together...something was going on with my copy and paste.
Ro I about tinkled myself laughing at the last part!!! Who ever knows for sure what the blanky blank is going on.....its like we are all on a fricking roller coaster that never stops and lets off the passengers. We keep rolling around in circles with all these loops and spins.
April, I was just being honest. I haven't lost it on my H for real yet. Been trying to channel Zen Ro, and boy has it been hard. Even if it is what I should have been doing all along when I thought we were happily married.
If he somehow loses his mind this weekend and thinks for one second seeing her is okay, it's not going to be good for him.
DB is going out the window. LOL j/s
Ro...
why do you keep pushing her onto your husband
everytime it seems as though he is growing closer to you
you shove her in his face
perhaps he is gradually trying to break things off with her but you keep throwing her back at him
pretty soon he will feel as though he has no choice but to be with her
you need to be like water and let things flow
in your life, she needs to not exist
Fig, you pose an interesting question, and one I asked myself today actually.
If I were really honest and really looking at things, I'd say it's my anger coming out, which stems from feeling inadequate as a wife. Why else would my H look outside of our M if I was good enough?
I am very angry at myself that I chose to love someone who turned out to be this kind of person. If no one else protects my heart, I have to, and I feel like I let my guard down, and got hurt because of it.
It's something I'm trying to work through. I honestly don't believe he's making his way back. Maybe that is my cynical mind working, but I really don't trust anything he does or says right now. And that trust issue always comes out as anger in our interactions.
It is a good question.
I spent my IC appt yesterday discussing expectations, resentment, acceptance. The UNholy Trinity maybe.
Are you punishing H for what he did?
How did that make you feel when it was done to you? Did it make you a better person?
Can you accept him as he is and move on from today, letting that stuff go so you might both have a chance at happiness? Resentment will kill a marriage so if you can't you should get out, for the sake of both of you.
Can you have some clear, loving boundaries with him? Protect your heart that way.
Boundaries are going to make it possible for you to have a healthy R either with H or with someone else.
If I were really honest and really looking at things, I'd say it's my anger coming out, which stems from feeling inadequate as a wife. Why else would my H look outside of our M if I was good enough?
Hey Ro, completely understand the feelings, just need to say that your H's decisison are his and who you are does not force anyone to make bad choices. There's not a single one of us who is perfect. Your H looked outside of the M because he was stupid and insecure with himself. He may try and blame you but that's just the insecurity and guilt of not wanting to look inside.
Let go of those feelings of inadequacy & fault. It takes time but they are lies that keep you down. You are "beautifully & wonderously made"! Take care.
your hsband did not look outside the marriage because of things you lacked but because of things he lacked...
he lacked the ability to tell you what he wanted
he lacked the ability to communicate with you fully
you are NOT a mind reader
you may not have been fully tuned in...
you maybe did not do things in ways that you were always proud of
you can own those things but not your husband's choices
Bugsy, you always ask the hard questions...basically, the ones I'm avoiding. LOL
Are you punishing H for what he did? Probably
How did that make you feel when it was done to you? Did it make you a better person? It [censored], and I know it doesn't make me a better person. It's the easy out for me. I need to work on this
Can you accept him as he is and move on from today, letting that stuff go so you might both have a chance at happiness? Resentment will kill a marriage so if you can't you should get out, for the sake of both of you.
I honestly don't know because I haven't tried it yet.
Can you have some clear, loving boundaries with him?
Maybe if I could get in my head what clear, loving boundaries are. I feel like I had some many invisible boundaries already in my marriage, I don't want to make a mistake by not thinking through new ones. Hope that makes sense!
Protect your heart that way.
Boundaries are going to make it possible for you to have a healthy R either with H or with someone else.
If I were really honest and really looking at things, I'd say it's my anger coming out, which stems from feeling inadequate as a wife. Why else would my H look outside of our M if I was good enough?
Hey Ro, completely understand the feelings, just need to say that your H's decisison are his and who you are does not force anyone to make bad choices. There's not a single one of us who is perfect. Your H looked outside of the M because he was stupid and insecure with himself. He may try and blame you but that's just the insecurity and guilt of not wanting to look inside.
Let go of those feelings of inadequacy & fault. It takes time but they are lies that keep you down. You are "beautifully & wonderously made"! Take care.
I had been doing pretty good. Some days I start second guessing whether this really all my fault.
Ces, thank you for your continued words of encouragement! You have no idea how they help me!
your hsband did not look outside the marriage because of things you lacked but because of things he lacked...
he lacked the ability to tell you what he wanted
he lacked the ability to communicate with you fully
you are NOT a mind reader
you may not have been fully tuned in...
you maybe did not do things in ways that you were always proud of
you can own those things but not your husband's choices
Fig, thank you too for bringing the hard questions that make me think about things in a different way.
I do tend to mind read ALOT. I need to work on stopping that, and owning only my stuff. Looking at myself is hard and not always fun! But I'm learning so much!
your hsband did not look outside the marriage because of things you lacked but because of things he lacked...
he lacked the ability to tell you what he wanted
he lacked the ability to communicate with you fully
you are NOT a mind reader
you may not have been fully tuned in...
you maybe did not do things in ways that you were always proud of
you can own those things but not your husband's choices
Thanks for the reminder, Fig! The first thing we do is to blame ourselves. Then, we blame the WAS. But really, the truth lies somewhere in between.
The "shoving it in his face" thing...I'm guilty of that, too.
NH - I don't even know why I do the "shoving it in his face" thing. The words just seem to pop out of my mouth before I can stop them. I REALLY need to work on thinking before speaking (something I don't do well, as this is another thing on my H's list of my faults).
Journaling & ramblings...
Most of the time, I feel like I'm in between DBing my M and ending my M. The DBing is definitely making me work more on myself. Which I REALLY needed to do.
But I really don't see it "working" on my M. Not so far anyway. And yes, I know it's not about it "working". And I'm only 5 months or so in, and it may take longer than that. But I'd sure like to see some progress. My H always says my expectations of other people are always right up there with the expectations I have for myself; often too high of an expectation. I know I need to work on not having any expectations. (How does one DO that?) Especially when you're getting hugs and kisses, and "I love yous" out of the blue? Now, don't get me wrong, I like it (love it really...LOL) but in the back of my mind I'm thinking is he doing this to butter me up so he can stay until he's healed from knee surgery? I probably need to work on stopping those thoughts, because those are the ones that have me opening my mouth and saying things I shouldn't say.
Update on surgery: It was postponed yesterday due to them thinking he has folliculitis (inflamed hair bump), and not wanting to risk infection to his knee. So off we went to Urget Care. He got antibiotics, and is on his way to see the dermatologist now. Hopefully we'll have a new date for the surgery by the end of the week.
Really wondering how some of the veterans dealt with your spouse having an "active" A for months while you were DBing. Some of you must have nerves of steel. I realized last night that I do not.
This is HARD. Not that I didn't think it would be, but good Lord...I don't think The Avengers could help me right now. Not even with The Hulk. LOL
LMAO Ro Ro--The Hulk??? Too funny. Maybe if we had Hulk, Thor--my fave with that hammer and long flowy hair, and Captain America we might have a chance.
Or we could just get Hawkeye to take them out with his power bow???? Just a thought:)
Thor & Hawkeye are the only reasons I went to see the movie. LOL
I'm with you, Ro. It's hard not to get caught up in the "A". My H is acting like a teenager. I could use some advice/encouragement as well.
Ladies I will tell you what works for me. I tell myself and others every day that I am doing just fine. I figure eventually it will become truth. And some days it really is. I also GAL A LOT!!! I mean a lot.
Some days I am ready to file and just get it over with, and other days I am like why....he is in another state and living the good life with the OW, so what is the rush on my part. Plus I am in full blown finding a job for next school year mode. That seemed more important than starting a nasty D procedure right now.
I am moving further and further each day away from what was, and envisioning what could be. I just read an article on seeking approval from others. It really rang true. Here is part of it:
Harriet says, "The realization came to me a couple of weeks ago that I have been living out everybody else's expectations for me. It's human nature that my friends want me to heal, and I had tried over time to convince them I was okay. I realize now that I was trying to get their stamp of approval that I was okay and that I was healing. I did this by buying into their expected response of 'I don't love my husband anymore.' What I didn't reckon with is the fact that there is nothing wrong with me still loving my husband. In fact, a year later, a year after we've separated, I still love my husband very much."
You cannot make decisions based on the approval of others. You will only add to your stress and fatigue if you try to live up to the expectations of others. Reset your own expectations to a level you can cope with, and focus your energy on keeping within your own standards. This will help to free you emotionally[i][/i]
We all have our own time-lines. Some are shorter or longer than others. What I am discovering is that I have to be the one to decide what MY time-line is. Not what others think it should be, no matter how well intentioned their efforts are.
Hope that helps a little.
P.S. I am liking me some Thor and Hawkeye as well!!! Made the movie a MUST SEE!!!
Also, I still believe in miracles....S in full blown A do realize the mistakes they have made, and the lives they have shattered. The real question is.....how long are you willing to wait???
Yes, I still believe in miracles!
I totally agree with your article post. I do have friends who are tell me I should kick H out, along with a bunch of other things. I told them I have my own timeline. They don't understand why I'm doing what I'm doing, but have been mostly supportive.
April & WH - Both of your H are out of the house right? (Need to re-read up on your sitch) My H still lives at home, and mostly acts like nothing is happening. It's very hard to have some hope, but keep expecations low when it's in your face every single day.
I don't know how long I'm willing to wait. I ask myself that every day.
Ro I have lived with your sitch before...with H still living in the home. We were like 2 strangers. Never speaking except to fight, having cold silences, and just an air of ickiness! It is tough I will agree. He is not in the home now...thank God, and that has made it easier for me.
What I am learning now is when its time, you will just know....
I will need to re-read your sitch but tell me again, why will he not move out??
Ro I have lived with your sitch before...with H still living in the home. We were like 2 strangers. Never speaking except to fight, having cold silences, and just an air of ickiness! It is tough I will agree. He is not in the home now...thank God, and that has made it easier for me.
What I am learning now is when its time, you will just know....
I will need to re-read your sitch but tell me again, why will he not move out??
That's the thing. We get along great. The past few weeks, it's been like old times. Lots of kisses and hugs and I love yous. But then my brain starts working and I start thinking about his A and the fact that even if he hasn't seen her in months (according to him) he's still in contact with her, which he admitted. But still living at home with me as my H. And then the words that are floating around in my head come out of my mouth (like last night), and here we are.
Me wondering why I'm still DBing when he won't stop his A. There's been plenty of posts on this board saying nothing I do will have any effect until the A stops. So am I just spinning my wheels?
My H is still at home but he has moved into the spare bedroom which is good and bad at the same time. I never asked him to move, but it happened after the A was uncovered and I know he was just too ashamed to share a room with me.
H cannot afford to move out. Friends tell me I should kick him out, but I can't do it. Where would he go? Kids would blame me. And frankly it is harder to DB if we live separately.
We occasionally talk, but I do not initiate. He can be moody or joking depending on the day. I will tell you the dynamic has changed. Before I was walking on eggshells around him, but now he seems to be walking on eggshells around me. I don't think he needs to, but I think it's part of the shame.
My H is still at home but he has moved into the spare bedroom which is good and bad at the same time. I never asked him to move, but it happened after the A was uncovered and I know he was just too ashamed to share a room with me.
H cannot afford to move out. Friends tell me I should kick him out, but I can't do it. Where would he go? Kids would blame me. And frankly it is harder to DB if we live separately.
We occasionally talk, but I do not initiate. He can be moody or joking depending on the day. I will tell you the dynamic has changed. Before I was walking on eggshells around him, but now he seems to be walking on eggshells around me. I don't think he needs to, but I think it's part of the shame.
WH, there's definitely shame on my H's part. He avoids everyone from our church, and most of my friends. This weekend will be the first time he'll be around my family since I found out about his A. I'm interested to see how it goes.
My coach advised me to act like his girlfriend (that's what he sees in OW)so that's what I've been doing. Not sure if it's been working or not. We need to create some kind of DB scale so that we know when something is working and when it's not.
So how do you act like his girlfriend without pursuing? Fill me in! : )
So how do you act like his girlfriend without pursuing? Fill me in! : )
Oh no...I was actually told to pursue. LOL Yeah doesn't exactly go with the rules, right?
So what did your coach tell you to do?
Yes I would love to hear how you act like a girlfriend
That is interesting to me as well...act like his girlfriend?? Please fill us in!
It's in one of my other posts. I'll have to find it and repost for you guys.
Here you go ladies...
Had a really great call with Cheryl.
Here are some of the highlights:
Cheryl thinks my H is reaching out. She told me to remember what it felt like to be his girlfriend and be that person. Act like his girlfriend and make him happy when he’s with me. Let him see the new Ro is going to stick around. She said he will probably get nervous about us getting close again.
Watch my tone and be kind. Words are cheap – actions speak louder than words. Say Thank You.
As far him moving out, she doesn’t think he wants to move out so she suggested I create a combined “honey do” list of things that need to be done at the house. So he’s invested. She is fully convinced he doesn’t want to leave and I need to make him not want to. She said to do anything where we are a team, and where we both make a decision.
She told me to make sure we sit in the same space. Basically to get off the loveseat and sit next to him.
She told me to do what it was that I did that worked before. That he’s already started the ball rolling, and I need to pick it up. She said if (basically when) he asks why I’m sitting next to him or touching him say because I LIKE HIM; don’t say I love him.
She said I should ask him for what I want, instead of pointing out he did something wrong (i.e., not taking out the trash). The fewer words the better. Be succinct, brief, and specific. Show gratitude.
Anticipate that things will be going really, really well, and then he’s go see OW. OW will start to feel alone and will pressure him, and he will pull away from me. She told me to remember this conversation, and just kiss him goodbye when he leaves. (This is going to be a hard one!) She said OW is like a mosquito in my ear, and you know what you do to mosquitoes. She said giving her the time of day is like inviting her to dinner at my house.
She said H will not believe the changes. She told me when he mentions it to say all I can do is take it one day at a time. Make no big promises. Explain that I will have bad days.
She also suggested I read the following books, which are talked about on the forum all the time:
-How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It
-Five Love Languages
-Love & Respect
Interesting....how is it working for you?
Interesting....how is it working for you?
Hard to say. Are we getting along? Yes. Does he respond well to me "being his girlfriend"? Yes. Is it bringing us closer to a R? Who knows?
I think if I sat next to H he would get up and walk away. LOL! And as far as kissing him goodbye, that's no dice. I tried kissing him about a week before he dropped the bomb and he pushed me away. Nice.
H doesn't do much around the house anymore, but when he does do something, I make sure to thank him. He always says you're welcome.
Right now when I am happy around H it seems to make him more miserable and withdrawn.
I need to get another coaching session.
Evaluating the progress on my goals from 4/16/12:
1. NO R TALK. Guess not if I did #2?
2. I will not bring up OW. (Take me now, Jesus!) Yeah, so based on my response to #1, you know I suck at this. REALLY need to shut up. I will come here and say I can't stand her and how much cuter I am than she is, however. LOL
3. I will compliment H so that he feels admired by me. I have been doing this, but not alot. Need to work more on this.
4. I will work on not being sarcastic when talking to H. I think I'm doing okay at this, but I do know when I'm feeling anxious about everything, the sarcasm comes out.
5. I will call my stepson at least once a week. I haven't been doing this, but have been talking to him via FB. I need to do better with this.
6. I will work out at least 3 times a week. Yeah, not so much. With my back acting up, I haven't been doing anything. Need to make myself GO...
7. I will read at least one chapter of a M per night. (been really slack here) So haven't been doing this. Need to. I think it will help me handle my sitch a little better.
8. I will do something just for me at least once a week. Have mostly been doing this. And I don't feel bad about it.
9. I will make sure H feels love from me by my words and actions (speaking softly, eye contact when he’s talking, etc.) I have been doing this. I can tell the eye contact thing is working. Because he's started to do it to me, too.
10. I will ask H to have dinner with me once a week (in or out of the house). Haven't done this but we did go out to the movies this past Sunday. Haven't done that since before the bomb!
11. I will do more active listening (eye contact, stop what I’m doing while he is talking, really listen and not think about my response). This is really hard for me. My mind tends to take over and get ready for the response. Need to focus on this.
12. I will kiss/hug H when leaving or entering the house (this is one of his issues; no problem doing it when leaving…entering the house is a different story) I have done this every day since I posted these goals. Since I started it, he's doing it now too!
So clearly I have a bunch of things to continue to work on. Overall, I'm feeling somewhat good about the progress. Some of these were things that I haven't done in a very long time and frankly are not comfortable to me anymore. But I'm pushin myself to do them. Also, I think reading more of the books will help me work on my anger and resentment. I REALLY need to work on this. I know that if I don't get a handle on it now, there really is no chance for my M.
Comments?
She also suggested I read the following books, which are talked about on the forum all the time:
-How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It
-Five Love Languages
-Love & Respect
I am also getting coaching from Cheryl. Five Love Languages is great, simple and will help you understand what he needs and what you do. Includes a great chapter on Love is a Choice. Also I just downloaded How To Improve to my iPad and it is fascinating stuff. In first few chapters right now but looking forward to getting into the meat later.
Hi RoRo, it sounds like we got similar advice from Cheryl (on being more girlfriendly), and I think it's good advice.
I think it's great that you've kept track of your goals (which are very specific and achievable). It's also great to see where you feel like you haven't achieved as much so you have a sense of what to do next. It's important not to beat yourself up about not being as good at sticking to goals 1&2 so long as you can accept that you are human and that you will do better moving forward
I'm also struggling with some of the goals that are outside of my comfort zone but I know it's important to work on them, so I will be working on them, too. #9 and #11 are also goals of mine and sometimes I have to really stop myself and force it initially because I am so used to not giving H my full attention when he is talking! That's so horrible to think about now!
I too have found reading as a great way to address some issues, way moreso than the MC that we tried. It's funny that I'll read something and think that our MC was trying to nudge us in that direction but she didn't really press it and didn't put it in the framework that some of the books have really helped me with (5LL and How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It). Sometimes I feel silly reading books with titles like these but the message is really about working on yourself, which is something a lot of us didn't do enough to keep us from ending up here!
Anyway, I came here to say that it at least sounds like you are on the right track and you know what you need to do for now, so good luck with keeping on that!
Hi RoRo,
My first comment is BRAVO! It's an inspiration to see someone having success such as yours. It also makes me feel better that you are having success and implementing methods suggested by a DB coach that go against again the grain of "doing things by the book". The fact that you are still residing with your H is a Godsend, although I know it is hard if there is OP involved, you are doing much better than I could in that situation. I wish I could have got things under control before us physically separating, that makes things very hard...
In short, great job and keep doing what you're doing as it seems to be working. I like the written list of goals I think I'm going to have to steal that one. Keep on keeping on!!!
your hsband did not look outside the marriage because of things you lacked but because of things he lacked...
he lacked the ability to tell you what he wanted
he lacked the ability to communicate with you fully
you are NOT a mind reader
you may not have been fully tuned in...
you maybe did not do things in ways that you were always proud of
you can own those things but not your husband's choices
Great post fig! It was a reminder that we can only own and be responsible for our own choices.
Ro.. It's really hard to always be superwoman. Hmmm... Makes me think of that song.. Do you know the one I'm talking about. Early in the morning I put breakfast on the table.. And make sure that your coffee has its sugar and cream.. Your eggs are over easy, your toast done lightly.. Sigh
I honestly don't know how you do it. It takes incredible strength to continue trying to DB when you are constantly reminded of OW. But.. Love is a choice. Are you choosing to love even when you don't feel loving? Just a question. No advice.
Great post fig! It was a reminder that we can only own and be responsible for our own choices.
Ro.. It's really hard to always be superwoman. Hmmm... Makes me think of that song.. Do you know the one I'm talking about. Early in the morning I put breakfast on the table.. And make sure that your coffee has its sugar and cream.. Your eggs are over easy, your toast done lightly.. Sigh
I honestly don't know how you do it. It takes incredible strength to continue trying to DB when you are constantly reminded of OW. But.. Love is a choice. Are you choosing to love even when you don't feel loving? Just a question. No advice.
Hey BF! Yes, I remember the song. One of my favorites.
I don't know how I'm doing this either. One day at a time, I guess. And no, I don't always choose to love. That's something I definitely need to work on. I know I've had conditions with my love, and no M can work like that. Even if we don't make it, I can't take this baggage with me.
Even if we don't make it, I can't take this baggage with me. Just think how many places you can go with less emo baggage-more room for shoes!
Wanted to give an update on my weekend! It was a great weekend. The drive down to NC on Friday night was cool. I drove most of the way because H was in pain and slept. We did do some talking, but not anything R related. Just nice conversation. We haven’t done that in a while. I miss that.
Saturday was a LONG day. Got to see my Sissie graduate with a 4.0 GPA and receive her MS in School Administration. Michelle Obama was the commencement speaker, so that was great to see, also. Went to my sister’s party afterwards and had a ball. All of my family was babying H because of his knee, and he was eating it up. LOL He went to hang out with one of his friends later that night (I wanted to tell him if he saw OW, he'd be walking back to MD, but I didn't. LOL), and I just chilled at my friend’s house and put his b-day present together. I had it shipped to my sister’s house earlier last week. Got him this panoramic camera accessory for his iphone. He had no idea he was getting it and was SO excited when he opened it. Hugged and kissed me several times saying thank you and I love you.
And Sunday we headed back home. We called his mom to say Happy Mother’s Day and he told her that her gift was in the mail. (Totally NOT true, but whatever) I then asked if my gift was in the mail too. He said yes, but he didn’t think to get it shipped to NC like I did. I joked and said not even a card? He said he had looked for one during the week, but couldn’t find one he really liked. (Maybe he was trying to go generic like I did for V-day?) He was like I was looking for one last night when we were in CVS, but you were watching me like a hawk. LOL (Yet I managed to pick up his b-day card without him seeing me!) Talking about he didn’t want to use his leg as an excuse, but it is bothering him. Both his mother and I laughed. Like you don’t want to use your knee as an excuse, but really you are. (For once, I didn’t take it as a personal offense. It was actually like old times when we used to joke around a lot.) I TOTALLY would have been pissed before that he didn’t hobble around to get my gift. We had lunch before we left at one of our favorite greasy spoons in town. I can say we did spend the whole weekend together, mostly just us hanging out, and that was worth more than any card.
This whole weekend I would catch H sneaking glances at me. I would look at him, and he’d turn his head. Kinda weird. He was touchy feely a lot this weekend. I was totally not prepared for that. But didn’t shy away from it. I did tense up a lot initially because I wasn’t expected it, but just told myself to relax each time. I put a message on his FB page for his birthday. So did OW, but I didn’t even mention it. Hers (both on FB & Twitter) was pretty generic too, which is strange considering some of the stuff she had posted before. Whatevs. He responded that he was so thankful for everything I do. That there are not enough words of gratitude or something like that. And that he loved me too. Again, I wasn't particularly fond of the message, given some of the things he used to write. But I got over my expectations, and moved on. He did at least write a message so I guess that’s something.
Here's something else that I’ve noticed about H. He’s been making a point to tell me where he’s going to be – in training at work, leaving early, etc., as well as who he’s talking to on the phone when I call and he has to click over. He’s also been sending the check-in emails first at work. I’ve even gotten quite a few phone calls as soon as he’s gotten off the train (This is normally the time he would be talking to the skank). I can tell its extra effort because since January at bomb drop (Hell, even before then), he has NOT been doing any of this.
He’s still ever the gentlemen making sure I have what I need around the house (fixes my plate at dinner, brings me water to take my meds, etc.). Been extra cuddly on the couch and in bed. Got an early Happy Anniversary yesterday from him. Was surprised. I will admit that it feels good.
Had a moment last night thinking about how hard the last 5 months have been and how I never thought we'd make it to our anniversary still living in the same house. It's been H#LL for sure, but I am thankful I have the chance to DB and learn some stuff about myself I never knew.
We exchanged gifts shortly after 12 midnight last night. His anniversary gift - I paid up the web domain for the website he's been wanting: Writeous Works Productions. Talk about a look of surprise. I told him that I know he's felt that I don't support his dreams and things he wants to do. I told him that regardless of what happened, I wanted him to know I did support him and believed in him. Really stepped out on this one. Granted I still hear that voice in the back of my head saying he might still be leaving. But this is something I said I was going to do a LONG time ago, and never did. No strings attached this time though. It feels good.
Got an anniversary card from H (my gift still isn't here!). The front just said, "I love you". Inside it said, "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me!" and he signed it with "I love you more than you know!". Guess I've graduated from "I will always love you"? Said he didn't want to get anything mushy, just something to the point. We're supposed to do dinner and a movie tonight.
Trying to stay grounded and not too hopeful that this all means something. So easy to get swept away. I mean how in the world do I accept all of this “love” and still be prepared for him moving out?
Some very wise friends to told me to just live. So that's what I've been trying to do. But when you've been planning your entire life since you were 7 years old, it's a hard habit to break. I will admit in the moments when I can do it, it is very freeing. But also quite scary too. Letting things just happen is not something I do. But I'm willing to try. Anything has got to be better than where I am now in my life.
Sorry for the long post!
Ro, open your heart and open your mind and live... Be open and live!
Ro, open your heart and open your mind and live... Be open and live!
I'm trying. I really am. So scary though. How do you people do this? LOL
Thanks 2TP! Stay on me about this. I feel like this will open a door for me. Just not sure what. But I can feel it.
Oh, Ro, don't apologize for the long post, you had a lot of wonderful things to share! I know how scary it can be to just "live" and that is something I struggle with, too. You're a few months ahead of me so it's great to see that there can be hope (although things are not looking so hot for me right now). Keep up the great work you've been doing!
all those things sound great...
it's OK to feel good about them
just remember to keep yourself grounded too
because ultimately
you are the person that makes yourself happy
Oh, Ro, don't apologize for the long post, you had a lot of wonderful things to share! I know how scary it can be to just "live" and that is something I struggle with, too. You're a few months ahead of me so it's great to see that there can be hope (although things are not looking so hot for me right now). Keep up the great work you've been doing!
Trust me...when I first started I was HOPELESS. Then it became more about me than him. That I could lose some baggage and become a better me - now that gave me hope!
all those things sound great...
it's OK to feel good about them
just remember to keep yourself grounded too
because ultimately
you are the person that makes yourself happy
So true fig! SO TRUE!
nothing to post, it's just that every time I read the title of your thread Freeway of Love plays in my head and I'm dancin' in my seat..
...in my pink Cadillac
nothing to post, it's just that every time I read the title of your thread Freeway of Love plays in my head and I'm dancin' in my seat..
...in my pink Cadillac
We goin' ridin' on the freeway of love
Wind's against our back
We goin' ridin' on the freeway of love
In my pink Cadillac
Glad I could add some sunshine to your day. :-)
Ro, just read your thread here and, wow, it is inspiring! I am so happy for you and your success throughout this journey. To hear my H tell me he loves me again and to have him want to hug me and kiss me would truly be a miracle! I hope you realize that you really have something special here.
Yes, stay grounded... but enjoy this. You deserve it!
Ro I love your story - thank you for posting it. To get a card like that would be amazing, it's so crazy how the simplest thing like saying "I love you" becomes so important.
Well, crazy returned the day after our anniversary. I realized that OW had posted the following message on my FB post about us going out for our anniversary (I had tagged my H in the post): Congratulations you guys!!! And included two hearts after it. :-\
I was LIVID needless to say. I tried not to go off on H about it because he hadn't seen it either, and I realize he can't "control" what she does. I think I might have yelled this at him at one point in the conversation, "I've been dealing with all this drama for FIVE months. And I can't even have ONE day? Not ONE FREAKING DAY?" He tried to calm me down when I started talking about inflicting bodily harm. I also had some other great friends trying to talk me off the edge of the ledge at all. I appreciate them so much. ;-)
I ended up going to Bible Study that night, and it helped. H hugged and kissed me several times before I left...once he managed to get me to sit down and stop pacing. The last time I think he was tearing up. I asked him what was wrong and he just said nothing.
H said he would handle it, so the next day I asked him and he said he did...because that was ridiculous. I said well from her point of view probably not. He said yes it was ridiculous. I just left it alone.
I managed to finally let it go (mostly - being honest here), and the rest of the week was fine. My Mother's Day/Anniversary gifts finally arrived last night: a Swedish Massage cushion and the first two books from the Game of Thrones series. He said I had been talking about my back so much that he thought this would be helpful. It is. Used it last night and I just might become a WAS and marry that thing. LOL
Anyway, looking forward to the weekend. Got a few things to do, but definitely going to try and relax. Some of my friends have been telling me to just live. Gonna see how that plays out this weekend. :-)
I would have deleted that message so fast! Enjoy your weekend!
I would have deleted that message so fast! Enjoy your weekend!
I thought about it. But that would actually be playing right into her hand...I figured this out afterwards.
She'll get hers. Trust me! *evil laugh*
Ro, just read your thread here and, wow, it is inspiring! I am so happy for you and your success throughout this journey. To hear my H tell me he loves me again and to have him want to hug me and kiss me would truly be a miracle! I hope you realize that you really have something special here.
Yes, stay grounded... but enjoy this. You deserve it!
Eh, I don't know about inspiring. If you can learn anything from the mistakes and trip ups I've made, then that's enough for me.
Staying grounded is hard when all I want is to hear him say he's an idiot, made a big mistake, and wants to work things out. LOL I just keep telling myself let this be enough for now. Don't scare the squirrel.
Ro I love your story - thank you for posting it. To get a card like that would be amazing, it's so crazy how the simplest thing like saying "I love you" becomes so important.
Thanks LIO! Because after getting two cards with "I will always love you" on it, I will admit I was discouraged. Then it started not to matter so much. So when I got this card, it was like well, okay then.
I need to catch up on your thread...over there I go. :-)
remember...he can not control her
sounds to me like she is jealous b*tch and needed to remind BOTH of you that she was still there
get it
BOTH of you
a simple thanks with a smiley face in response to her next message might be good
try to keep in mind that she is going to go crazy trying to remind him that he "loves" her...
ler her be the crazy one
let her spiral around like a lunatic while you remain calm and confident where you are
do you see how unattractive she made herself
how small and petty
what a loser
don't fall into it
don't let her make you sweat it with him
because
YOU are the one he is living with
YOU are the one he gets to see everyday
YOU are the one who has a chance to be gracious and beautiful and loving toward him (when he is in an unloavable position)
be the bigger, better person (because you are)
she will go crazier before leaving for good
they always do
watch your husband
look into his eyes and tell him you trust him
mean it
because you are in a relationship with him
not with her
he might not have said the words that he wants to try again but he sure appears to be showing you
Praying for your strength, Ro! Hope you have a great weekend!
remember...he can not control her
sounds to me like she is jealous b*tch and needed to remind BOTH of you that she was still there
get it
BOTH of you
a simple thanks with a smiley face in response to her next message might be good
try to keep in mind that she is going to go crazy trying to remind him that he "loves" her...
ler her be the crazy one
let her spiral around like a lunatic while you remain calm and confident where you are
do you see how unattractive she made herself
how small and petty
what a loser
don't fall into it
don't let her make you sweat it with him
because
YOU are the one he is living with
YOU are the one he gets to see everyday
YOU are the one who has a chance to be gracious and beautiful and loving toward him (when he is in an unloavable position)
be the bigger, better person (because you are)
Hi fig! Thanks for stopping by!
I, too, believe she did it to remind us BOTH that she is still on the side. I didn't respond to her directly, but maybe next time I will. Although H told me that he told her not to respond or post to anything else.
I know she is reaching for every morsel she can get right now. I do need to be the calm one. But I'm going to be honest here and say while I'm the one he's living with, and sees everyday, he still hasn't stopped his A, that I know of. It's getting harder and harder to be the bigger person. Just saying...
she will go crazier before leaving for good
they always do
watch your husband
look into his eyes and tell him you trust him
mean it
because you are in a relationship with him
not with her
he might not have said the words that he wants to try again but he sure appears to be showing you
You know, I thought about this very thing. How much more crazy am I going to have to deal with?
I'm going to have to work on the whole trusting thing. Clearly his track record isn't good here. I need to figure how to believe his actions even if the words aren't there. Not sure I know how to do that...
:-) Now if I can only do what fig suggests!
Praying for your strength, Ro! Hope you have a great weekend!
Thanks ces, as always for the prayers! Praying for you too! Hope work is going well!
Took a LONG nap this afternoon then headed to a celebration for my Pastor's 60th birthday.
A funny thing happened on my way out. I went to kiss H goodbye, and he asked if I was going to wear any makeup. He also made a comment a week or so ago about me having so much makeup but never wearing it. I used to wear it more than I do now. I know OW wears a ton of the stuff, so I'm sure that has something to do with it as well.
He said he wasn't going to say I "needed" it, but it does look nice on me. (Very diplomatic LOL) So I went back and put on eyeliner, mascara, and lip gloss. I came back out and he said See. I went to kiss him on his cheek since I had lip gloss on. He said it didn't matter if I kissed him on the lips since he wasn't going anywhere so I did. My H is really crazy.
It was funny that I got several comments on my makeup at the party. I told H and he was of course all I told you so.
Trying to get back to where I was before the craziness happened the other day. Feeling some distance from H, but I think it's just him maybe feeling like I'm distancing from him. And maybe I did a little after the OW drama. Just feels different between us.
Been having weird dreams the past few nights. Think something is trying to come through, but I'm not sure what. H has his surgery tomorrow, so maybe it's my anxiety about that and the state of our M manifesting itself somewhere else.
I had what my friends are calling "Slacker Sunday" yesterday and it felt good. I very seldom spend quality time with myself. Still feeling off somewhat though. Need to pull myself out of this funk. I've got a lot to do today to get ready for the rest of the week, since H will be at home.
Remembering what fig said about not being the crazy one. When all I want to do is yell at H, shake him, and tell him to get his sh*t together! That'll look like crazy to him for sure! LOL
Ro,
New to your sitch, but I commend you for taking the high road and enduring all of this while living with H. I can't imagine.
My H has been in an EA/PA since last June. He won't end the affair, yet doesn't want a divorce. I was trying to do what you're doing...but have now successfully detached and am trying to get H out of the house.
I don't know what your H is like, but I'd share a few thoughts:
--Keep detaching. H is just one person in your life and you need to fill your life with other things to fulfill you. He still loves you, that's clear...but does he fully respect and appreciate you? I doubt it, and I think he has to see the risk of losing you to change.
--Consider if you are enabling him to continue the A knowing that you're willing to put up with it and if anything, it's made you "friendlier". You don't have to follow it now, but you may want to look at the book "Tough Love" by James Dobson.
--Brace yourself that the A may be "worse" than you think it is. Don't make any assumptions about what is or is not happening. In my case, I would notice H getting friendlier, not mentioning the A...but later discover he was planning a vacation with OW.
Hang in there and stay strong!
Hey Nblost! I read your thread from time to time. Seems like you're doing great!
You've definitely given me some things to think about. Thanks for checking in on me!
Journaling...
H's knee surgery went well today. I got a kiss and a "Thank you" in the car when we were leaving the surgery center. Other than that he's been pretty much resting all day. When I ran out to get his pain meds, I picked up a Get Well Soon balloon which he thought was cute and funny.
I'm thinking about scheduling my next DB Coaching session in the next week or so. I could really use some guidance on next steps, and how to broach the subject of whether he's still moving out or not. I don't want it to look like I "want" him to move out, although sometimes to be honest, I do. LOL I just know we need to have this discussion sometime soon.
Anyway, back to being Nurse Betty. ;-)
More journaling as I have so much time on my hands.
Ended up calling in to work because H was having issues moving around this morning. My back is bothering me some so it mostly gave me time to rest. I'm going in later because I have some stuff to do that I need to do today.
I think we both underestimated how immobile he would be. Everyone but a couple of people told us he'd be up in a couple of days. At this point, I don't see that happening. Not by tomorrow anyway. He can't even lift his leg by himself.
I'm helping when he needs me to. He's eating it up. LOL Oh well, back to my nap.
RoRo,
You seem to be very good at being nurse Betty...so keep at it!! H seems to appreciate it, but I hope that he REALLY appreciates you.
Hey NH! Thanks for checking in. I am good at being Nurse Betty. Hard trying to do that and not smother him. I sent him a text on my way to work saying that I thought his knee was recovering well being that it's Day 3. And I said I hope I am not smothering him. Ended it with I love you. He sent me this text back: I am so thankful for everything you have been doing. Thank You I love you!
My first thought was this message symbolizes the quiet before the storm. Then I wonder if he feels like he has to keep telling me thank you...after all the drama of the past 5 months? Then I asked myself why I'm spending so much time second guessing this?
SIDEBAR: Why won't the duffus just say he'll stay and try to work it out? Just had to get that out...now back to the real world.
This is the 3rd day in a row he's been in the house, so I'm trying to think of something fun to do this evening when I get home. I told him I'd pick up whatever he wanted for dinner. Maybe I can get him to sit outside on the balcony for a few minutes. I'm sure it would be nice to get some fresh air...especially since he can't go down the one flight of stairs yet to get out the front door.
Anybody got any other ideas?