My wife is having an affair with a coworker, she has moved out of the family home, has severed all contact with my family and all of her friends that are married. She has filed for divorce, her attorney is the sister-in-law to the man she is seeing. The man she is seeing is 12 years older than her, divorced, with two children, and he is still currently living with hie ex-wife.
My wife and I have a 19month son, my wife will not see or do therapy, she says its to late and to much has happened, that she does not love me anymore and that she married the wrong man.
In the begining I was doing alot of begging,pleading, reaching out to family and friends, which has seemed to push her very far away, I havn't been doing that lately and have become more unavailable to her, even though she only seems to call to tell me how I am a bad father and that she is building a case against me.
When there are any face to face oppertunities I am dressed nice and smelling good, giving the image that I have places to go and people to see, but she is unfased by this, showing no signs of any interest.
I have run out of ideas, to open her eyes to what she is doing and how it is negativly impacting our son.
I love my wife dearly, I have a plan for my own actions, but I need a plan to get through to her... help advice thoughts
i feel your pain. i am in a similar boat. my wife is moving out in a week i think. i have been trying the same things with no results. i too easily take the bait when she wants to argue.
i have been reading alot of the forums. starting to gain an understanding from it. i would start there
Wife's birthday yesterday, sent her an edible arrangement from her son, no response.
Picked my son up on wednesday, she made a point to tell me her relationship is getting stronger with the other man.
Heartbroken beyond belief....
she made a point to tell me her relationship is getting stronger with the other man.
I wonder why she would have said that? What brought this up anyway? What do you think made her say that?
My best guess is she's dealing with lots of guilt she's trying to make me upset so I do something to justify her actions...
For the sake of my son how can I get in between her and the other guy?
At some level she must know this is wrong, I wish to give that part of her some strength.
I also got caught in the mail yesterday my first court date, you can't imagine how much I want this all to go away....
So what is the best plan of attack.... when she says she is rebuilding her life, and there is nearly no communication?
Yesterday, wife called, first time in 10 days, ask if I was happy with my lawyer, asked abouther our son's new furniture I bought him, mentioned that she did not like the situation we are in, and that she wishes it could be different.
Later I went to pick up our son, and she is then made a point to show me a necklace the other man bought her for her birthday.... WTF!
She called today to discuss pending court date, she said the only thing we have in common is our son.... what can I do?
We are doing an alternating 50/50 parenting schedule, each time I pick my son up it appears as though my life is been crying for hours, I'm not sure if that means anything or not, in court she was stone cold and business like.
Any hope?
Missing my wife and the life we shared...
Whats the best course of actipn when WAW goes dark....
How can I get feedback on this board?
Hey Peringo. Thanks for posting. I think that doing the steps and seeking therapy are good avenues for you to explore. If you are not already doing that. I don't have kids so I can't immagine what that is like, but I feel for you. It sounds like your wife is really angry at something and she is focusing that on you. Whether or not it is deserved, it is unfair for her to treat you that way. I think you are doing the right thing by not being provoked by her actions. Try and remember your self worth. That has been the hardest part for me. You are not a doormat. You are a strong man capable of taking care of yourself. You will soon find that you are capable of finding someone who is caring enough not to do this type of thing to you. Best of luck in your situation.
Hi Peringo sorry we missed your post. Post often so u will be out of moderation. Very sorry that you find yourself here but with time you will feel better. I know it is hard to imagine right now but you will.
Have you read DR? Can you afford a DB coach? Someone will post the 37 rules for u soon. I can't on my phone. Take a deep breath and a hold of your thinking. I know it feels like the end of the world but it isn't.
Thanks ty, rick.... the lonliness gets to me at times, combine that with the wifes efforts to make me out to be a bad father, and saying that she is afraid of me... she has done a 180 from the woman I married... so frustrating, the example she is setting for our son. I would love to have my wife back, but I need a strategy to limit my wifes influence over him.
I know bout the loneliness, rejection, feeling like a monster. U need to GAL. Get a life and don't focus on W. It is a hard concept at first because you don't want to give up what u know And what feels safe. you must take care of your brain and body. I think I aged 20 years since this happened. Focus on you and the kids. You will get sick of the similar responses and statements but after a while u will get it. It is a long road one day u will stand for the M and the next day u will give up. When u feel like u are going crazy come here and tell us. Hang in there buddy.
Ps stop Persuing, reason, begging telling her u love her or reason they don't work.
I have stopped all pursuing, begging, pleading.... virtually no communication, I am trying to focus my attention to counteracting my wifes influence on our son. But yes in the silence of the nite, my mind goes back to the life we had.
Yes I have DR, and a coach, but since child exchanges are handled through daycare, there is next to know contact or communication.
Sorry man I know it is though. But u will be fine it will take time to heal your broken heart. I'm still going through it. But keep coming here and talk to us.
Ready for some hard questions? Let us know?
Prior to all this going down, what were the issues that you and your W had? What do you think is attractive about the other man that she finds?
MrBond.... the only issue that I am aware of is that I worked way to much to support the family, often times coming home and just dropping from exhaustion, letting the financial pressures of life cause me to neglect my wife... a month after she got a job I stopped working all those hours because be were on top of things, but by then it was to late, a coworker, who makes alot more said and did all the right things to get in her pants....
Get legal advice and divorce her. Seriously stop letting her treat you like a doormat. She is not the woman you married to, stop asking her question's and hoping she'll get better.
I agree with the legal advice.
The rest is victim bullsh!t. Sorry.
You are a doormat of you think you are a doormat.
You will think you are a doormat if you let the actions and/or inaction of your spouse dictate who you are and what you believe.
Or if someone calls you a doormat and you believe it.
She has a right to divorce you. You can't stop that.
When you said your vows did you say "I will love and honor you all the days of my life
Until you behave badly then I will run away"?
I have a different view of what is strong and it comes from making your own choices
Not having them made for you in reaction to what your W is doing
right now.
Yes do protect yourself with boundaries economically, legally, fiancially and especially emotionally.
What you must figure out quickly is what you are prepared to do for your M and yourself if you are not assured it can be saved.
What is the answer for you?
Any man can run away and call it courage or not allowing her to treat you whatever way
Real courage is standing your ground regardless of what your W is choosing.
Making YOUR choice. Not one that is made for you.
You decide.
With the W acting the way she is, I have to choose between protecting my son or preventing divorce.... so I going with my son.
"I have to choose between protecting my son or preventing divorce.... so I going with my son."
It's all one and the same. First of all, you are going to have to learn to talk to your W because your son is so young. Have the two of you thought of family C for your son?
She will do no therapy what so ever... her mother believes there are traumas from her childhood that she does not want brought up... she is not giving me the gift of time... she is steamrolling this as fast as possible...
If I prevent the divorce, then yes one in the same, protecting my rights as a father will upset my wife, I can not afford to lose any more time with him...
"there are traumas from her childhood that she does not want brought up"
Like what?
How often do you see your son now? Is it 50/50?
I'm not sure on the exact traumas, my counselor says most affairs are from childhood problems.
When she was for she walked in on her father and another woman. I am not sure what else.
Yes it's mostly 50/50, but that's a lot less than what I'm used to I was the primary caregiver.
When I found out, I did everything you're not supposed to beg, plead, pursue. No she is using all of what I've done and try to say I have harrassed her in that she is afraid of me.
She take photos of every scratch or bumps or bruises or whatever my boy does, and she is trying to use that to say I am a bad father...
I am dealing with something much more than a divorce... I need a real plan!
"Yes it's mostly 50/50, but that's a lot less than what I'm used to"
So are you trying to get primary custody? It sounds like she's trying to get primary.
I would ask your MIL what other traumas there were. They could also help in getting your custody case. If possible, go to a IC for yourself and your son. Your W doesn't have to go, but you should learn how to minimize the impact her actions are having.
Yes I'm trying to get full custody, so is she, the system favors the mother...
MIL Only speaks spanish, I understand very little... Since the wife moved out I have had no communication with MIL...
I love my wife very much, but I need to protect my rights as a father, and not let that love get in the way of that.
When I get that taken care of, then I can focus on showing her the grass is not always greener.
I wish she was not pushing this so fast so I could do things the other way around.
So I need to divorce bust in the background of seeking custody... difficult spot to be in, because me seeking custody will really piss her off.
Peringo,
I find my self in a very similar situation, but with a twist.
After a consult with a L, and because it is a step daughter, I could only hope for visitation, not custody. If i don't take this step very soon, there is a very good posibilty that if my W wouldn't want me to see SD, she wouldn't have to. But if I file myself to make sure I would at least have visitation, she would be sure to be mad and there would be no chance to save M.
I am at a very difficult position. My D is the most precious thing in my life. But I love my W more than anything, and I would do anything to make sure we would at least have a chance.
Both of you need to do the right thing, not the thing that will keep your spouse from getting mad. If they ever have a chance of coming back to you, they will respect that you did what was right for your child. Realize that chance is slim. Usually people get to this point (bomb, counseling, talk of divorce) when it is already a done deal in the WAS's mind; it is usually too late to save the marriage no matter what you do. Not trying to make you feel bad, just trying to show you why you must try now to get what is best for your kid first of all, and what is best for you second.
You can db while doing this. You do that by detaching, getting a life, acting as if you're moving on while keeping the road home paved and smooth. It's not easy. If you can rely on your lawyer to handle the lawyer stuff that will help.
caveat emptor - you should know I'm no expert, and nowhere near done in my sitch. I'm just repeating to you things I've learned from reading these boards obsessively since last September. And sometimes it's easier for us to apply what we've learned, to other people's situations, than it is to our own. We are the blind helping the blind. Look for the veterans thread that was posted a while back in newcomers to get more info about who are veterans here and who are just in the same boat with you.
Have the two of you discussed a 50/50 agreement? I can only see this ending one way if you use your child as a tug of war rope and that is...badly.
1702, you should file.... keep track of all time your wife was out leaving you to parent. Document everything, I mean everything, my lawyer is a shark, will be paying for this for the rest of my life.
Filing first will throw a wrench in her plans, but you have to be physically and emotionally stable. Get a calendar document all time spent with daughter. Put a spreadsheet together of monthly expenses, find your tax returns the last 3 years pay stubs for 3 months, remove all financial documents deeds titles, you need to blind side her with your total preparedness. That might make her realize you're not the man she thought.
Mr bond, we have an unofficial 50/50 schedule. I was able to get her to agree with that during the divorce process, she is seeking full custody, I am seeking primary custody. Unfortunately I am in a no fault state, so counseling cannot be mandated.... I am in the family home in which its the only place my son have known, which helps.
I picked up my son yesterday evening. Its amazing how fast your children grow, it seems even faster when you don't see them everyday. He is starting to talk now some spanish some english. My mother in law is now going home, so hopefully the realities of being a single mother will soon set in. I miss my laura...
Any body experienced in SENE?
This is interesting, her mother left for home friday night, and saturday she did not contact me at all about the welfare of our son, first time ever! It shows who really is concerned about my boy....
"It shows who really is concerned about my boy...."
You can't keep thinking this way. If you maintain a holier than thou attitude with her, you will definitely come off as judgemental and a definite turn off.
I don't come off that way with her.... unless she is reading these boards.... if thats the case, running out of places to vent....
Trying so hard to disconnect.... have a party tonite, mostly singles, so it should be fun.
Sorry to hear about your situation. Mine is similar.
I worked too hard to support my family. Wouldn't want to do anything when I wasn't working because I was either too tired or too concerned about finances. Shortly after my wife starting working, she started an affair with someone at her work.
First step is to accept there is nothing you can do to change her immediately. As men, we tend to be fixers and expect to be able to fix things quickly. This process will not be quick.
The affair is an outlet for her and unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about it. The OM right now is all "good things" for her. If you push or pursue, you only make the OM look better in her eyes. Right now, the OM can do no wrong. He has nothing to lose in this situation.
The feeling of loneliness will come and go. One day you will feel great, the next worse than ever.
GAL. This is what is most important right now. Unfortunately, if it doesn't work out and you can't save your M, GAL will help. Don't start to GAL after the M is over or the process will drag on too long.
Keep your head up.
What you think drives how you feel. You can change what you think by trying to see her point of view, different as it may be from your own.
Do you want to vent or do you want to grow?
Are you a victim or do you have any power to change your half of the equation?
MrBond.... the only issue that I am aware of is that I worked way to much to support the family, often times coming home and just dropping from exhaustion, letting the financial pressures of life cause me to neglect my wife... a month after she got a job I stopped working all those hours because be were on top of things, but by then it was to late, a coworker, who makes alot more said and did all the right things to get in her pants....
This is all we know so far about what went wrong in your marriage, and it appears you own none of it - it was financial pressures and her coworker. Is there anything you can learn about relationships that can make you a better partner and coparent in the future?
Hi Ad---
I am still at a loss as to what went wrong in our marriage, all she has said is "you don't understand how he makes me feel" I have always treated as a princess, most of my family has always said I treat her to well... I admit the passion wasn't as high as it was when we were first dating, I blame myself for that, working way to many hours to be a good provider... thats all I can come up with...
I want to grow...
I have the power to change mt end of the equation, just not the oppertunity...
The lesson learned is... don't let the finiancial pressures of life cause you to neglect your family...
"mt end of the equation" no idea where that came from
I'm digging a little, bear with me. There are people who deal with financial pressures and don't neglect their marriage. Do you have good coping skills? Did you put work as a higher priority than your family? Were there choices you could have made to lessen the pressure like a smaller place or something? How did you deal with the financial pressures with your W. Was she a partner in whom you confided and brainstormed solutions? Was she on board with you working so much?
You say you treated her like a princess. What are her values, what has she indicated means the most to her? Does she like being treated like a princess or did it annoy her? Did you connect on an intimate level, with conversations and eye contact?
Did you lose yourself in the marriage? What about you attracted you to her at first? What can you do to GAL now?
I did not place work higher than my family, I probably placed making sure the bills were paid higher than my family... I did not confide in her as much as I should have about money, I did not want her to worry, I also did not want her to feel as though she had to get a job.
She never once complained about me working so much, although I believe she did not like the consequences, I would often times come home exhausted, and just collapse.
I think I might have lost myself with the debt load I was supporting, a new marriage, a new house, a new car, a new baby. I believe my thoughts were consumed by the pressure of taking care of everything, resulting in me not being as emotionally available.
I fell in love with her heart her values her sense of right and wrong, years ago she give up her life in spain to go home and take care of her sick grandfather, that kind of dedication towards family is what really won my heart. Her values it's always been strong in family and morals and setting a good example for her younger cousins. She was never selfish,never materialistic, until this new job, and the new environment she is exposed to. Thinking back our intimate conversations and eye contact started to disappear shortly after she started this job, I just figured it was stress from work.
I miss my bride, my bestfriend...
No there is so little contact and what there is is very cold in business like, I keep hoping that I'm going to wake up from this nightmare.
Had a good nite of GAL as its called... but it also reinforced that fact that my wife is the one I wish to spend eternity with.... but I had fun anyways
"I think I might have lost myself with the debt load I was supporting, a new marriage, a new house, a new car, a new baby. I believe my thoughts were consumed by the pressure of taking care of everything, resulting in me not being as emotionally available"
honesty like this will help. we all have put things like this before our R with our S. there are hints from them along the way that we missed. think about those.
Wife and OM dropped son at daycare..... what a rollercoaster of emotions.
That is a killer, sorry.
My D4 talks about the OM and what they do when she is with the W at her apartment. My 4 year old just wants to be a kid and be happy but as her father, I die inside when the OM is playing with her.
The sorrow is unbelievable... I can accept a divorce... but not this...
"but not this..."
Yes you can and you must in order to overcome this.
I could use some more guidence... a plan, to survive this, I'm starting to fall apart...
"a plan, to survive this,"
Only you can come up with the plan. You need to build up your self-esteem once more. You are a man of worth and are much better than that POS that your W is running around with.
I know how it is. I felt the same way after my W first ran off with her boss. But you can survive and you will.
Go out and do something engaging that you must concentrate on to get your mind off of her. Read a book, play a video game, work on a puzzle, just something to not think of them.
Hi all, when it rains it pours.... just got cut loose from my job.
Sorry to hear that. What happened?
The company is in serious financial problems and they trimmed a lot off the payroll... I was unfortunately one of the unlucky ones...
It was found out the accountant was using funds for themselves...
Does anybody know how this might affect custody?
Talk to your L. They can tell you how it is with your sitch.
Okay lawyer said it shouldn't affect custody or divorce very much, so a little relief there....
Took my little boy to the zoo today he really enjoyed it, took a quick picture of him sleeping in the car and send to the wife, of course she does not notice the cuteness only that his seatbelt is not as tight as it should be... ayaya
of course she does not notice the cuteness only that his seatbelt is not as tight as it should be... ayaya
So stop sending her pictures.
I know... moment of weakness, our little boy is so adorable, sometimes I just can't help but share...
I know in time I'll stop missing her...
Any womens point of view as to how I can get an oppertunity show my wife that I'm not the man she see's through the fog...
Might have slipped up or missed an oppertunity.... wife found out about my job loss, she called and said she was sorry and that I could talk to her about anything..... I said I would love to talk to the woman who stole my heart, but not the woman who is under anothers spell.... thensaid bye and hung-up....
Not sure if I did right in a moment I really needed her....
She called and expressed concern for you and you basically hung up on her? I'm not sure, but I don't think that was DB. Perhaps thanking her for her concern genuinely mightve been more DB-- but you were hurting so it's understandable.
you can apologize. even if she doesn't accept it, it's good for you.
I sent an apology, thanked her for her concern... I miss her so much, I need cupids arrow.....
"Any womens point of view as to how I can get an oppertunity show my wife that I'm not the man she see's through the fog...
The man she sees through the fog.....would that be the man she described as being afraid of? B/c based on what you've told us, that man exsists only in her imagination. The biggest problem that most LBH's have with a wayward W is her mindset.
You once said that she told you her R with OM was getting even stronger after she moved out of the house with you. I believe you said you thought she might have said that out of guilt feelings. I don't believe most WW would make a statement like that out of guilt feelings. I read so many newcomers who say things their LBS say that think it's from guilt, but it's not. Right now, she isn't feeling as guilty as you wish she was, IMO. The mind of a WW can block out a lot of guilt when she's under the influence & addiction of an A. In many ways, she's not the woman you knew with loving kindness & high family values. That is another reason you must stop yourself from expecting her to have a break-through any day and return to her old self.
She is capable of finding herself again, but it usually small baby steps, and she has to want to find herself again. Today, she doesn't want to be that person any longer, or she might argue that she hasn't changed at all.
She once was a woman who had high value standards, but now she has changed those values and she's out to get what she thinks make her happy. Right now, it's the OM. He makes her feel good about herself, and she thinks that makes her happy.
Making you out to be a bad H is what she does to justify her having a new life and a new love interest. Cutting ties from family members and former friends is common, b/c those folks do not agree with what she's doing....therefore, she avoids them.
It is unlikely that you or anyone else would be able to reach her through the fog she's in at this time. In fact, the more you try to say just the right thing & hoping it will touch her enough to wake her up, the more it actually turns her off and enforces her thinking she's made the right decision to leave you. That's why we tell you to stop it and to stay out of her life for now.
Listen, I couldn't stand to share the same air as my H, and he's a good man who never hurt me. However, I had replaced him in my lonely heart with another person who pumped up my ego like crazy! The more a W lets another man into her thoughts (much less in her bed), the more she grows cold toward her H.
The best plan of action, IMHO, would be to go dark. Do not have contact with her unless it is an emergency regarding your S. There is a reason for this. She needs to experience life without you in it. The more you remain dark and she can see her OM, the quicker she will come out of this A.
And, speaking of OM, there is a reason he is still in the house with his XW. Do you know what it is? It seems to me it gives him an open door to play around all he wants without obligations to a M with his W. It may be financial reasons or whatever, but I bet it won't be long until your W discovers OM is trying to back pedal his way out of another M. Your W would not have moved out if she didn't think OM was going to eventually M her. So, give her time and she'll find out what he's made of.
In the meantime, you are growing and having a better life even though she's not in it right now. You must stay busy GAL in order to see that you can survive without her. You don't want her to come home b/c you can't live without her, but you want her to return b/c she doesn't want a life without you. You have to work at being the very best man you possibly can be, and work toward that goal with the knowledge that it doesn't end once she's back. It doesn't end if she never comes back. You stick with b/c it gets the best for you!
Thanks sandi, I am trying so hard to go dark, but she keeps contacting me about our son. She brings me to tears so easily, I feel as though she was just pretending during our marriage, the only regret or remorse she has expressed to me is that she married the wrong man.
"I am trying so hard to go dark, but she keeps contacting me about our son."
You have a son so you can never go completely dark. Go dim instead and be cordial when you discuss your son.
"She brings me to tears so easily,"
No. You do that to yourself. She isn't doing anything. You control how you feel.
"I feel as though she was just pretending during our marriage,"
You know that's not true.
"the only regret or remorse she has expressed to me is that she married the wrong man."
They all say that. What you need to do is let comments like that not get to you. It's tough, but can be done.
Thanks bond, your words give me some strength... but I am also thick skulled
So now she just showed up, out of the blue, to bring a toothbrush and sunscreen for our son... I don't have him today she does... she then asked if I would join them for dinner.... I passed, she mentioned some relationship issues. and the cost of divorce... I told her she is bringing it all on herself, and I mentioned that I thought she would want better for our son than she had, that that I thought she would put every effort into preserving our marriage. That there were so many inspirational programs for couples... her eyes started to well up with tears.... but our son was starting to get fussy so I said she better get going to feed him.
She had no real reason to come over.
No real reason to invite me to dinner.
No reason to bring up relationship.
Did I do right?
"Did I do right?"
No.
Here's what you should have done IMHO.
When she came over with the items, don't wonder why, just say 'thanks!'.
When she invited you to dinner, you should have said "sure!" and had a great time to remind her of the person you ARE and not who she imagined you were.
When she said started talking about D and ANY time she brings up D, tell her - "you know, let's talk about that later and just enjoy dinner. We're having a great time and it would be a shame to put a damper on dinner right now."
Then when you leave, you say, "had a great time. do it again some time." Kiss your son and leave.
Thank you.... is there a scenario manual?? I could really use one.
It gets easier with practice. Just remember - increase the positive and decrease the negative. Get your b@ll$ back.
I hope I'm not on these boards long enough to be a master of this delicate dance, but I do hope to learn enough to reverse course of my marriage, and prevent a repeat.... thank you
Anyone here believe in signs from above? Or perhaps the interpretation of them? I was reading the book " what a wife needs from her husband" I got to the part about turning your marriage over to God, there was a prayer about it. As I was reading the words of that prayer, my eyes started to fill up with tears, and a cloudless sky started to rain. Connection? coincidence?
Coincidence. You're beginning to look for signs. When you do that, you'll start seeing signs in everything. You'll think when an article pops up, it's about you. You'll think that when a song comes on, you'll think it's about you.
I'd say post the prayer here and repeat it to yourself. Print it out and put it in your wallet. Keep it close and have faith in yourself and God to let things be the way they are meant to be.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for my wife and my marriage. I want the marriage YOU want me to have, and I am willing to do whatever YOU want me to do. I surrender my heart to YOU and ask that YOU turn it in the right direction. I confess that I have been willful, prideful, and stubborn. I have too quickly pointed out my wife's faults while ignoring my own shortcomings. Lord, work through me to love and treasure my wife for YOU. Give me the desire to change and the strength to be the kind of husband YOU want me to be. Then I'll know I'll be the husband my wife needs. Lord, give me your perspective of marriage, a perspective that sees my marriage as holy ground, a place where YOU can change my character to be more like YOURS. Amen.
In the opinion of a WAW, do they usually have random periods of kindness towards the LBS?
My wife has been acting too nice the past few days... I don't want to get my hopes up..
I'm struggling with this as well, but I think we BOTH need to quit worrying about what her "motives" are and appreciate them as acts of kindness... no matter how this turns out, we will both be connected to our W because of our children... appreciate the good things and take them at face value... if we continue to analyze every little thing, we will go insane... it's hard... as I said, I've been struggling with this as well... I read your prayer posted earlier.. keep it close to your heart and trust that God has a plan... He will not lead you wrong... Keep the Faith...
I was once a WAW, so I'm going to open up to you. Not every sitch is the same though...
I had enough of all of the bad things in our M, and once the lease was up (and i got my own car) I flew. Got my own place, everything. My H did what you are doing and more, and I lost all respect for him. Why? I was treating him like crap and he kept begging me for more. that's the truth.
He would come by whenever I wanted and make love to me or whatever. Then I could ignore him, kick him to the side, knowing he would come running back for more the second I gave him an opportunity. Gosh, I sound terrible. I'm only human guys, don't hate me.
What opened my eyes? When he had enough and turned his back on me. Plain and simple. When he stood up to me and basicly said "I am worth more than this and will not tolerate your behavior". (not with words, just actions)
And then? I was left all by myself, all alone, just like I "wanted". But I was still unhapy, loking for someone to hurt while he was happy and moving on.
And THAT my friends, is why going dark and GAL is SO important. It forces the S to get a glimpse of their future should they continue with their actions.
But don't be so quick to accept them back, do it slowly. Accepting them back as-is right off the batt also come across as disrespectful towards yourself.
"you mean I can treat you like crap for so long, show a few tears and yuo'll take me back? I don't have to work on anything? SWEET! Now I don't have to change anything!".....guys, you don't want your S to have that converstaion in their heads. Here's a better one...
"I'm really sad and alone, I didn't think it would be like this. Why does it hurt so much? And why doesnt S answer the phone anymore? Was I really THAT bad? I wonder if I can get them back? What do I have to work on to win them back?"
just some food for thought guys <3
Another one of those weekends where you get reminded of how much you truly miss your wife... regardless of how rotten shes been..
25yearsMLC-- signature line gone.
I would do anything, pay any price, move anywhere, to have my back.
If I have any more children it will be with her, my faith as a christian binds me to that no matter what a court of man says. My marriage was not only to my wife, but with God as well.
I have the right to divorce her if I choose not to forgive, but I choose forgivness. Water under the bridge... what I am having trouble forgiving is her desire to destroy the family.
Let's not get too carried away here. Your W is with another guy right now. You're not going to be doing anything. Start living your life.
I would do anything, pay any price, move anywhere, to have my back.
i assume that was a typo and you meant have my wife back
if so, then start by using that energy to pay the price - as you put it. the price in this case is to stop seeing what she is doing and start seeing what you are doing.
the price is to go through the painful journey of your own growth, the price is to give her her space, to forgive her completely, and to use this time to work on yourself.
and the biggest price is to find out along the long long way, that what you see now is not always what you will feel as you go through your own journey, and what you think is true may not seem the same later - but that price - is the prize - that you allow yourself to have.
as long as we focus on what our WAS's are doing, we pay the harsh price of losing/delaying the opportunity to go through our own necessary growth.
so make sure that the price you pay is the correct one - don't lose this opportunity to pay the real price - that of your own growth. i did that after my first divorce and then HAD to pay it this time around.
this is here to teach you something - find out what it is before you try to teach your wife something. the secret here is that she'll find out on her own - she doesn't need your help.
i hope i don't sound too harsh, and i know that you might not really be able to hear the words that i'm saying - but if that's the case - at least start with a beginner's mind: that you don't really know how to go about it, and that if you really listen to what is being said here, that eventually you will get it.
'act as if' is the starting point - even if you don't feel it - it's crucial to act as if, because then you'll eventually start to feel it, and then it will start to become clearer to you what you must do for yourself. it won't come to you tomorrow or next week or anytime soon that you can imagine - it will take much longer than you think, and then it will suddenly be a real thing that you feel.
zig
I have learned so much... one lesson left, learning how to not love her or acting as if I don't love her... the dilemma I have with that is that if I am able to achieve that... I'm not sure if preventing divorce would make sense.... confused...
I was once a WAW, so I'm going to open up to you. Not every sitch is the same though...
I had enough of all of the bad things in our M, and once the lease was up (and i got my own car) I flew. Got my own place, everything. My H did what you are doing and more, and I lost all respect for him. Why? I was treating him like crap and he kept begging me for more. that's the truth.
He would come by whenever I wanted and make love to me or whatever. Then I could ignore him, kick him to the side, knowing he would come running back for more the second I gave him an opportunity. Gosh, I sound terrible. I'm only human guys, don't hate me.
What opened my eyes? When he had enough and turned his back on me. Plain and simple. When he stood up to me and basicly said "I am worth more than this and will not tolerate your behavior". (not with words, just actions)
And then? I was left all by myself, all alone, just like I "wanted". But I was still unhapy, loking for someone to hurt while he was happy and moving on.
And THAT my friends, is why going dark and GAL is SO important. It forces the S to get a glimpse of their future should they continue with their actions.
But don't be so quick to accept them back, do it slowly. Accepting them back as-is right off the batt also come across as disrespectful towards yourself.
"you mean I can treat you like crap for so long, show a few tears and yuo'll take me back? I don't have to work on anything? SWEET! Now I don't have to change anything!".....guys, you don't want your S to have that converstaion in their heads. Here's a better one...
"I'm really sad and alone, I didn't think it would be like this. Why does it hurt so much? And why doesnt S answer the phone anymore? Was I really THAT bad? I wonder if I can get them back? What do I have to work on to win them back?"
just some food for thought guys <3
_________________________
AMEN SISTER!!!
I thought I had put that in quotes.
Mediation on monday for parenting time and schedule.
Anyone with custody mediation advice?
W and I spoke alittle exchanging son... I asked how come she found help and supporters of divorce so quickly and didn't put any effort into finding supporters of marriage.... she said "what because I don't love you"
Ayayay
Mediation did not go as planned... they want to make me an every other weekend dad... this is gonna be a costly battle!
Afterwards the W wanted to meet, she said I could see him every nite if I wanted... sounds like she wants a baby sitter...
Oh, how I want this to all go away.
I have learned so much... one lesson left, learning how to not love her or acting as if I don't love her... the dilemma I have with that is that if I am able to achieve that... I'm not sure if preventing divorce would make sense.... confused...
GAL, giving your w space, and detaching does not mean to stop loving her. You can and most likely will continue to have love for her regardless of your marital status.
I keep reading about boundries... would this be acceptable? Since my W can very easily manipulate my emotions and she clearly has no intention of ending her R with OM, would it be wise to say to her that I do not want see her or hear her voice until she ends her affair.
We can communicate everything regarding son over text or email.
Thoughts?
Wouldn't you just be doing it to get a reaction from her or get her to stop what she's doing? Are you still trying to manipulate the situation?
If she stops if great... if not thats fine... I'm just so exhausted of her pulling at my heart to benefit her...
How are you doing peringo?
Hi lost... I'm hopelessly lost, confused, just really don't know what to do...
Custody mediator wants me to be a every other weekend dad, not good.. but then the W said I could come over everyday to see our son, which would really limit the amount of time she could be with OM, is that her plan? to spend more time together with me? Should I get that all in writing and pursue that direction? Should I fight fo 50/50 custody? I really don't know what to do...
Of her complaints and my 180's are of a more intimate nature and for her to take any real notice there would have to be alot more closeness...
She continues to tell me of wonderful things are with OM... so I just don't know.
So to answer your question as how am I doing... I am surviving, nothing more, nothing less...
"..but then the W said I could come over everyday to see our son,"
That is great. My W said the same thing. We have never tried to use our Ds are leverage. But filing for D has never really been an option except when I couldn't handle it anymore
".. which would really limit the amount of time she could be with OM, is that her plan? to spend more time together with me?"
I just posted that on my threat last night. Playing defense. If she is with me, she can't be with him. I am sure you and I debate the same things. She will see what she is missing by spending time with me, if we aren't spending time together she won't see what she misses.
It's a tough situation. I got beat up on here spending time with the W, but I think the spending time with the W has gotten me to a better place. Of course, "Fat Man" bomb could drop soon if we rush into things and not work on correcting what caused the first bomb to drop.
"...Should I get that all in writing and pursue that direction? Should I fight fo 50/50 custody?"
Hell yes. Things might be good now and you could have a verbal agreement on visitation. However, if things go south, they are going to enforce what is down on paper and filed. You have to be selfish on what the courts recognize.
You don't have to follow the court visitation as long as you both agree. However, if things get bad, then it is enforceable, so don't enter into an agreement you can't live with if things get bad.
"..She continues to tell me of wonderful things are with OM.."
Of course. He tends to her needs. He is there for her. He cares about her. He saves kittens and puppies walking to work. Etc....
If she didn't say these things, then what kind of person would she be leaving her M for a joke? She has to justify her decision, even if it is just with words.
The OM for my W is a total loser. Lives at home with his mama. In trouble with the law. No ambition, etc. I never once mentioned this to my W. You know why? Because if I did, she would be forced to defend him so she didn't look like a fool.
It took time, but I think they are done. She finally got tired of his crap when compared to me. I haven't gotten 100% confirmation from the W on this besides her telling me "not so much" when I asked about W and OM. Have heard from others they are/might be done. Maybe I have snooped, but I am not telling...
In short, she has to make the decision. Let her. If you push her one way, she will naturally push back the other direction. Remember, you have history. Your W knows your good and bad and has lived with it. OM doesn't have history. She needs to see the bad.
"So to answer your question as how am I doing... I am surviving, nothing more, nothing less...
That's all that you can do right now. Keep working on you. Be selfish. Good things will come.
Hi Peringo,
I don't know you total sitch but this one jumped out at me. Is there a reason for you not to have 50/50 custody of the kids? I would caution you about settling for anything less that this unless there is a good reason for it and that is what you are willing to settle for. Kids need both their Mother and Father in their lives and you have no idea how hard it is to go from seeing your kids every day to seeing them every other weekend. Are you really willing to settle for seeing them 4-6 days per month? DONT DO IT!
In my opinion you need to keep the issues separate. Continue to work on your M but at the same time you need to stand up and fight for your right to be your kid’s father.
What happens if in 3 months your W decides that your daily visits are interfering with her new relationship. Your daily visits will end and you are stuck. IF you want to settle for less then make sure whatever agreement you have with W is in the divorce decree otherwise it does not exist .
Please be careful agreeing to anything just to win favor with W.
Once you sign that agreement that is what you and your kids are going to have to live with.
Tinman-
I would of course have that stated in any child custody agreement that I could see him every night, that would be the only way I would sign anything. I know the importance of a son having a strong father figure in his life, to teach them right from wrong.
I am waiting for the advice from my attorney on the matter of custody.
On the matter of the wife I don't know what to do, Pursue, Don't pursue, Be available, Don't be available.... My wife is from the latin culture, Which confuses me even more...
Thanks lost-
My W's OM is alittle different than yours, has more money than I fancier house, more of a fantasy life... but he is divorce with a child and the issues around that. He is also 11years older than her... sometimes I feel as though I can't compete, why on earth would she want to come back... I would lay down my life for, I wonder if he would...
I need to find a way to snap out of this....
It is a fantasy life with OM, but that's all it is. A fantasy. As soon as she were to start living real life with him, it wouldn't be a fantasy and wouldn't be fun anymore.
You have real life, real memories, a real connection on your side. It's going to be okay.
"sometimes I feel as though I can't compete, why on earth would she want to come back..."
That is your issue. Work on it.
Become a person only a fool would leave.
If you don't see yourself as this, then how in the world can you expect someone else?
You have time. Work on you. Make you happy. DO NOT do things you think will make the W happy. This is for you. Do things for YOU.
Maybe you get back together. Maybe you don't. You are the only constant in those two equations. GAL for you. Don't get me wrong, some of the things I do for GAL, I think to myself how fun it would be to do with the W. In the end, it is for me. When my W opens up to me, then and only then will I share these with her.
Be selfish.
Lost- Yes I know, the job loss knocked me down alittle mor in the self esteem area... sending lots of resumes... no interest yet.
Money is extremely tight right now... limits GAL...
Thanks
There are things you can do that doesn't require money. The main thing is to put forth a big effort to get involved in something that would be good for you.
Look around and see the activities that are available in your neighborhood,community, & church. Consider some type of volunteer work. How could you take your abilities and help somebody else?
Before you were M, what were your hobbies? What did you use to do when you had spare time?
My skills... I'm a jack-of-all-trades... maybe habitat for humanity
Thanks sandi
Okay, so you probably have a broad area, and that's great.
I can think of so many areas of helping others. This may not be the type of GAL that you had in mind, but it might make you feel better helping others, and if it gets your mind off your own problems for a while, then that's worth it.
You could start by deciding what age group you prefer.
If you love working with kids, then there is everything from coaching sports (individual one on one help throwing a ball, or working with a team), to tutoring a child in reading. (So many kids can't read. Their teachers do not have enough class time for each student to read out loud.) The list is endless!
Maybe you feel good when you give your time to elderly people. There are so many who need small repairs made around their homes; running errand; taking them to dr. appt., etc. Some caregivers would like to have a couple of hours away if they had somebody to come sit with their elderly (perhaps sick) parent.
One area that is needed are people who are qualified to babysit a child that is mentally/physically challenged. Parents would love to have a couple of hours just to go out and eat dinner together or be with friends, but it's hard for them to find anyone to sit with their child who has special needs.
If you like animals, offer to pet sit or walk the dog walk.
There are thousands of things to do in the area of "giving yourself". However, you may just need to be around friends and enjoy having good times. Be in places where music is playing and people are laughing and happy. That's the kind of medicine our souls need. You may seek out quiet places where you are close to nature.
Some folks need activity and others seek solitude, but whatever makes you feel energized and have a greater capacity for life....that is what you need to do. Take care of you!
I started to landscape around the house, something I have been meaning to do for a few years.... free stuff off craigslist.... I have no job so I have time...
Ping-pong tournament tonite!
How did the ping-pong tournament go? Are you pretty good at hitting that little ball?
Morning Sandi-
I took 2nd place, so not good enough at hitting that little ball!
I just find out the wifes attorney is filing a temporary relief ordee to change are parenting schedule to further marginalize me in his life... why do the honest, honorable, faithful fathers always get punished?
My wife found out that I'm going to continue to fight for our sons best interest so she had to call and tell me that she hates me, hates every marrying me and will hate me forever.... is this a normal reaction?
Perringo I'm kinda Latino so I will say this. She wants a very strong man. Someone who kind of doesn't care what she says when angry. A man who doesn't go over the other side but ready to do it. Like a tango dance. You must drop the gun and stop fighting. You must feel and look confident and act as if u will be ok if she walked out on you. I know you worked long hours but did u bitch about it? If u did don't. Show that ur ok with busting ur ass. Is she educated and independent? Do u visit her family when asked and are u helpful to them? Don't worry about her angry outburst. Whether it is normal is doesn't matter. You do what's right for the kids period.
Hate to sound sterotypical but if u are Caucasian she already thinks you are not as strong and macho. Didnt say to get a mustache like Geraldo. But u gotta stop being a victim and show pure strength. I think it's time for u to party. I don't mean to hook up and have sex. But it's time to salsa and meet others. Me entiendes?
In addition you should ask your L if her L being a family member of OM needs t recuse themselves? Contact the ABA of ur state and find out. That L could lose their license. And they should if not ethical practice.
Hey Rick-
Thanks for the reply, I never complained about working so many hours, And we would visit her family whenever she wants, And I would do anything for any of them. She is very educated, Masters degree.
She has always said that she did not want a latin man. I let her decide many things, I told her if it was important I would let her know my opinion.
She has a 180 flip, has gone from kind compassionate family orientated moral to... selfish, materialistic, immoral, uncaring of family values...
So I'm lost....
Are u feeling and looking confident? Did u eat what her family cooked or acted disgusted? Is there anything they wanted u to do that u just wouldn't participate? Did u vote for Obama?
lol...
Rick, your support with Peringo is fantastic!
I'm not latino, but I do know and have been at times enmeshed in that culture and yeah...
peringo, I have not read your whole sitch, but I totally think Rick's advice that you man up is a good 180 for you, right now.
Kaffe nothing better than to ML to angry Latina after a good fight. Not that I would know.
Peringo why she says she don't want a latin man? that is key. Let's us know
Rick- as far as food I loved everything, except for ceveche...
I do suffer from crd... (caucasin rhythm disorder)
I vote independent....
The latin men were too macho, with wondering eyes... did not view relationships as a team.... more of a dictatorship...
She is Peruvian.... thus my name here combination of peruvian and gringo...lol
I luvs ceviche. How does CRD affect u? Did it affect your sex life, working out, dancing? Is her family here or in Peru? Did she want to visit often? What are things you are doing that she may think are attractive. Do u GAL? That is really important. Keep posting my friend.
Independent huh? Lol
CRD... just affected the dancing...
Most of her family is in Peru, we would see the about 3 times a year...
Independent is an understatement...
The more I stand up for myself and our son the more pissed she gets...
I feel fighting for my rights as a father is killing any chance of getting back together...
I do not want any of this... nor do I understand it
What race is OM and is he her superior?
He is a gringo, he has a higher position, but in a different division...
Curious as to why she hates me so much, because of my christian values or because I'm standing up for my son's rights to see his father equally...
She was born in Lima, Peru....
Her mother walked in on her father with another woman, My wife and her sister witnessed as well... Wife was 3, Her sister was 1....
You mention the OM is in a higher position than you. That COULD be a metaphor for manliness.
She claims that is not important to her, although she may not overtly think of it, that way.
Has she ever complained that you should be or strive to be in a higher position of work or level of earning?
It sounds like she's rebelling in some ways against her heritage, yet it may still be deeply rooted in her.
So she may see a MAN and POWER in a more covert way (position, power over other people, money) rather than overt (hunter, motorcycle, muscles).
Was she in the US legally? Did she get papers after marrying u?Where did u meet?
What do you know about her father?
And time to start a new thread.
Started new thread... same name