Here's my new thread. I'll link the old one later.
Today's issue - R talk with H last night that didn't go well. He's still done and I'm not. He is still living at home, but keeps saying he's moving out. Hasn't happened yet though. *shrug*
Hi, (((RoRo))). So sorry about how you're feeling. Glad that you are communicating with him better and learning more about things he had been reluctant to say before. That is good.
You hurting now - that's why DB says not to do temperature checks. But I understand the feeling of needing to know.
Do you think your temper had anything to do with why he wouldn't say things he needed to say years ago? When he said them now were you able to show him that you can listen and understand him? (like the ow can?) You can do this. Be someone he can talk to. The fact that he said all he did last night, it hurt, but it is a good sign.
When they say nothing, that is not good. Not as painful, but the M breakdown is still happening. That's my world.
((((more hugs for you)))) comfort yourself today, maybe a nice cocktail out on that balcony you have, if it's not too cold out for that.
Some of the highlights:
-He still feels like he's tried all he could and is done.
- He says he needs to get his own place because he needs space from everyone.
-He says he doesn't want to be married to me anymore.
-He doesn't feel like he knows how to be a husband.
- He feels all of the things that lead him to want to marry me have gone down to nothing.
-He feels like we lost our friendship and can't get it back.
-He is full of shame and guilt over his A.
That is his decision today...
And it will continue to be his decision, until it isn't his decision anymore...
YOUR balance shouldn't be thrown off any by this.
It isn't new information....right ?
Show him consistency in your words and actions, and let him own his words and actions.
Let this dust settle for a few days, although I would take a bet that he will have forgotten most of the conversation within those few days.
Stay your course for now.....
Thanks AD. I was surprised at how much he actually shared.
Mach - Thank you. Some of it was new information. But you're right. This changes nothing. I'm actually doing better than I was last night. He seemed amazed when I said I wasn't ready to throw in the towel. Feels like he wants me to be the one to give it the final shove over the cliff. But I won't.
I feel as if that is what my H wants me to do "give the final shove over the cliff." I did talk to a lawyer the other day, just to get information and make sure we're doing things correctly, but I did not file. I figured if this is truly what he wants, then get the papers and file. He did bring papers over the other day to file civally, but did not bring them in because I said I wasn't doing it that way. The only reason he brought the papers over was because I did say "It was over!" on the phone because I found out more sneaky information about his affair...it was out of anger! (Bad move!)
So now, I'm trying to get back on track and giving myself a timeline.
Journaling...going to be a lot of that today, as I need to get all of this out (and not say it to my H) so just roll with me...
I was feeling so good until I went to dinner with my friends the other night. Since then, I haven't been able to get OW or Rodney's A out of my head. Which is part of the reason for the conversation last night.
I also think it's strange that no one knows that my H is having an A. He has not told a soul according to him. Even his best friend doesn't know. Which doesn't make sense because the friend actually knows this person I think. I told him if anybody looked at their Twitter accounts, they'd figure it out like I did. He disagreed. There's a reason he hasn't made it public. I just don't know what that reason is.
This morning: So...I get ready to leave the house for work after I pulled myself together. I tell H that I appreciate him being honest last night and telling me how he is feeling. I just had to get that out. Now I'll shut up. I promise!
Last night I told him that I feel like sometimes when he looks at me ...he's wishing OW was here instead of me. After I thanked him for the honestly last night, he says that no matter what is going on, he doesn't want me to think he wishes someone else was here besides me because that is never the case.
Then he asks me if I have cash because he forgot to ask me if I have cash for the week. Now first of all he RARELY asks me this. Most of the time, I'm asking him. LOL Anyway, he just wanted to make sure I had cash in case I needed some. He only had a $1 anyway so that didn't help. LOL
And I got a compliment on my shirt which is sort of new, and he hadn't seen me wearing it.
WHAT THE H&LL? Is he trying to make me crazy so he can send me off somewhere? LOL I really think my M might send me off the deep end.
Timelines are fine. Everyone has limits in terms of how long they can live like this, and looking for or expecting short term change is torture. The best kind of timeline is to set a date for when you will reevaluate how you feel, and then not worry about things changing until that time.
Posting as a reminder to myself.
Venting/Journaling
Do y'all think I'm crazy yet? LOL
My H just called me to check on me and "see how I was doing" since he knew I didn't feel well this morning.
I wanted to shout "Really? You're calling me to check on me? REALLY?" But I didn't. I just said thanks, asked him about his knee, and left it at that.
I'm feeling my lack of sleep right now, which is making me a bit grumpy.
(((RoRoin))) sorry its tough right now and you are right the lack of sleep definitely doesn't help. Hoping you get some rest soon.
Mach1 had some great advice
take it slowly and
remember
there is nothing that requires an immediate response
(I mean unless an organ is flying out of your body or something)
but it is OK to always respond with an "I'm not sure, I need to think about it and I will get back to you later"
sometimes, in the midst of all this crisis, we forget that while it is an emotional and personal crisis (for real) we can gain some power and control back by TAKING it back...often times, the only thing we can control is when we respond
so
give it the 24/48 hour rule
anything you want to say...give it 24/48 hours before saying it..is it still important? Do you still want to say it?
t
LOL at an organ flying out of my body. At this rate, I'll be lucky if anything still works after all this stress. I am definitely handling it better. Not great, but better than right after the bomb.
Normally, there isn't a response required because my H doesn't TALK. I have been the one who started every R conversation we have had including the one where he dropped the bomb. I just need to learn when to be quiet. I did learn some important things about how my H views our R last night, which I needed to hear.
I'm not sure what staying the course means for me. Do I continue with what the DB Coach told me to do - become the girlfriend, praise him, do things like I used to? This actually seemed to be making a small amount of progress. Of course OW is still in the picture, so I guess it wasn't REAL progress.
Or do I scale back and go dim?
any foward motion is progress
the OW will be in the picture until the picture you create becomes more attractive
Right now, she is placing NO pressure on him
she is validating him in everything
she is kind and considerate and the perfect girlfriend
there is no expectation from her for him to be anything other than what he is now
remember when you 1st started dating him (or someone else)?
How excited you were to see them?
how you always shaved your legs and smelled nice and things were clean and you were always happy and accomodating?
there were no bills
no messes in the house
nothing smelled bad
no one was tired and cranky
that is what she is right now
she doesn't expect him to bear his soul and make their relationship solid
she is still wooing him
woo him
my parents have been together for forever
they still woo each other
my dad goes out of town for business and my mom always is waiting when he gets home with a clean house, candles lit, supper made and smelling like his favorite perfume
she tucks little love notes in his bag
he writes I love you in the steam on the mirror during his shower and surprises her with favorite chocolates, just because
they woo each other
of course there are days when they are tired and snipe at each other or stink or whatever
but
they remember the wooing
remember the girl you were and how excited he made you
remember when you 1st started dating but weren't super serious (so he MIGHT have been dating other girls...no commitments were made but you WANTED him to only be dating you)
remember those people and try to recapture some of those moments
just some
it is important for all of us to remember to live some of those moments out all the time
Ro, good job on how you responded to your question, in spite of what you felt like saying. Good control! Way to go!
any foward motion is progress
the OW will be in the picture until the picture you create becomes more attractive
Right now, she is placing NO pressure on him
she is validating him in everything
she is kind and considerate and the perfect girlfriend
there is no expectation from her for him to be anything other than what he is now
remember when you 1st started dating him (or someone else)?
How excited you were to see them?
how you always shaved your legs and smelled nice and things were clean and you were always happy and accomodating?
there were no bills
no messes in the house
nothing smelled bad
no one was tired and cranky
that is what she is right now
she doesn't expect him to bear his soul and make their relationship solid
she is still wooing him
woo him
my parents have been together for forever
they still woo each other
my dad goes out of town for business and my mom always is waiting when he gets home with a clean house, candles lit, supper made and smelling like his favorite perfume
she tucks little love notes in his bag
he writes I love you in the steam on the mirror during his shower and surprises her with favorite chocolates, just because
they woo each other
of course there are days when they are tired and snipe at each other or stink or whatever
but
they remember the wooing
remember the girl you were and how excited he made you
remember when you 1st started dating but weren't super serious (so he MIGHT have been dating other girls...no commitments were made but you WANTED him to only be dating you)
remember those people and try to recapture some of those moments
just some
it is important for all of us to remember to live some of those moments out all the time
Have you talked to my DB Coach? I swear you said what she said almost word for word. I kinda thought to myself this morning about what my DB Coach suggested I do, and why I hadn't been doing it. I said I couldn't blame anyone but myself if my H left without me even trying it. Guess I'm just scared of the rejection.
Love that about your parents. So cool!
Ro, good job on how you responded to your question, in spite of what you felt like saying. Good control! Way to go!
I'm slowly learning that everything that pops into my head doesn't need to be said out loud. It used to happen alot. LOL H hates it.
rejection is scary
but remmeber
he didn't reject you before
so you have that going for you
and if this were a new relationship, that fear would still be there
you have some power here too
you have the power to feel that way again...excited and nervous and butterfly-ish
you have the power to be alluring
or
even unavailable
rejection is scary
but remmeber
he didn't reject you before
so you have that going for you
and if this were a new relationship, that fear would still be there
you have some power here too
you have the power to feel that way again...excited and nervous and butterfly-ish
you have the power to be alluring
or
even unavailable
Interesting take. I actually mentioned this to H last night. That I've wanted to snuggle/cuddle with him or just walk up and kiss him like I used to do but didn't think he wanted me to so I didn't. He just looked at me in shock. Normally I do whatever I want regardless of what he says. LOL This morning's cuddle was nice. I surprised myself by doing it.
I do have the power to be alluring (what is that again?) or unavailable (which normally doesn't work, hence how OW came into the picture). Hadn't quite thought of it that way. It's been so long since I've WANTED to be alluring. Guess that's part of the reason I'm in this sitch now.
I've been thinking about fig's post about control. Since my H dropped the bomb, I have been letting him lead. Which means since he doesn't want to be here, I've been letting him lead me somewhere I don't want to go. That stops today. It's time I took control over me....for real this time. That doesn't mean I will be making any major R decisions but, it's time to put things into action. I'm tired of being stagnant. Might as well go all in with what the DB coach told me to do. What else do I have to lose?
I also realize that I've been so focused on making changes that I am forgetting the good parts of Ro that were there. Time to bring them back out.
I'm tired of being stagnant. Might as well go all in with what the DB coach told me to do. What else do I have to lose?
I also realize that I've been so focused on making changes that I am forgetting the good parts of Ro that were there. Time to bring them back out.
Good stuff Ro, put a plan together so you know what this looks like for you and make it more than an abstract idea!
This is great Ro, you have a great plan thanks to your DB coach. I am happy to hear it.
I have found that the biggest changes...
the ones that were worth the most
the ones that mattered most to my ultimate happiness
were the ones that happened on the inside
and
initially anyway
only involved how I looked at myself
they required no one else's participation
because firstly...I had to learn to depend on myself
I had to act as if there was no one else in my life to be concerned about...
who was I
who did I want to be
where did I want to go
I made a goal/dream board so I had a visual reminder of where I wanted to go in my life...things that were important...what I wanted my authentic self to be
for example...I had worse than no self esteem because I had the worst most horrible self esteem ever. I felt I deserved bad things happening to me. I didn't like that but I didn't know how to change that. But I decided that I wanted to feel good about myself. Really good. Like I deserved amazing and wonderful things to happen to me without feeling guilty. So I found examples of what that would look like and sound like and cut them out and pasted them down and looked at them everyday.
Fig – I totally agree. I was working on myself WAY before the bomb drop. Spent a year in counseling working on me. I’ve stumbled a little on the self esteem path since then, but know ultimately what a happy me looks like. I want to get back there. Hopefully with my M intact. But if not, I need to rethink what a single, happy, fulfilled me looks like. Before counseling, I never had that. I was what people thought was happy, but not really fulfilled or liking myself too much. Being single isn’t what will be the hard thing to do. Depending on myself won’t be hard. I’ve been doing that most of my life anyway. Getting over losing my husband will be the hardest thing. I haven’t really been thinking about it that way (avoidance I know), but I guess there’s no time like now to start.
I had to act as if there was no one else in my life to be concerned about...
This stood out for me. I don’t think I’ve ever done this in my life. Something I worked on in counseling but never got good at. One more thing to work on I guess.
That is why whenever H would have ideas or plans and I would question the "what ifs" or "buts" H would say I was being negative when in reality I was just exploring the options.
Saw this on wishing's thread and wanted to journal my thoughts here.
Pick any day out of my M, and this would describe my H and I. I realized that while I was stating "options" what he was hearing was that I thought his idea to do something wasn't a good one, and I had a better one. My H saw that as me not supporting him. This was one of the things I did wrong on the checklist he had in his head.
So I've worked on just talking to him about his ideas or plans, and as long as no one is going to die, be injured, or end up penniless, I tell him to go for it! I think it surprised him the first time I did it.
Funny thing is RoRoin, I finally got to the point where I would say "sure, go ahead if that is what you want to do". Then down the road if the outcome was not what he wanted or expected, of course I would get the blame. I just couldn't win.
Journaling/venting/ramblings...
Why do I feel like I'm starting all over with DBing since the conversation with H the other night? I'm getting the urge to snoop and see what I find. (Don't worry, I won't, but I want to)
I've been thinking (probably too much) about the conversation and trying to pull out things he said that I'd never heard before. It seems strange to me that he never once said he loved OW or defended her. He told me she wasn't the reason he wanted to leave, which I don't believe totally. I mean, having her around gives him a quicker reason to exit in my book.
Anyway, I'm working on moving on from the conversation, and continuing with my plan. It's been hard for whatever reason. It kinda felt like the bomb drop all over again, but I recovered a little quicker. Does this happen with everyone?
In doing one of the tasks suggested by my coach, I left my H a note yesterday when I left for work (he was at a dr appt). The note just said I hope he got good news from the dr about his knee, and no matter what the results were, he was not in this alone, and that I loved him. I used to leave notes like this ALL the time...a LOOOOONNNNGGG time ago. When I got home, the note was nowhere in sight, and he didn't mention it. Didn't bother me too much, but I did think How rude! LOL
Then this morning I get a text message from him saying have a good day; he hopes my back doesn't give me much trouble today, he ended it with Love you! I guess I can look at that as a positive, but then I remember he still wants to leave, and I wonder why he's sending messages like this.
I know I can only control me, and I've been doing really good about working on me. But I guess that conversation shook me more than I thought it would. I told him I understood he wanted to leave, and while I didn't want him too, I wouldn't stop him.
I'm committed to trying what my coach (and fig) said, and for two days in; where for once I'm actually following directions (LOL) I think I'm doing okay. Need to go back and re-read my notes. Maybe get some new ideas. Again, I'm trying to remain positive, but I'm not getting much back from my H. Doesn't bother me as much, but there's more work to be done in the detachment area for sure. But I am better than I used to be.
hang in there. you are an extremely strong woman! (((( ))))
BF - I'm trying to. Thanks!
More journaling...
I normally write on my stepson's FB page, telling him to have a good day, I love him, miss him, etc. Well his mother responded to the one I posted this week: 'Ro, I'm so happy you love my baby. That really gives me great comfort when I know he is going to be with the two of you for extended stays. I truly can say the feeling is genuine on his part...sometimes he stomps away saying "I'm going to stay with Ro!"...Okay...not his dad, but Ro...lol. All I can do is laugh.'
This is one of the issues my H said he had with me, and one of the main reasons he's leaving. When we first got together he wanted me to have this close relationship with my stepson. I would call, my SS would barely talk, etc. So I told H I wasn't going to try again. He has been holding this against me since then - at least 2+ years ago. Since last summer, when my SS came to stay for a week or so, we've gotten closer. H and I acutally kind of got into it while he was here about me not spending enough time with him. I told him I was trying.
I talked to my counselor about it, and she helped me see one of the reasons was because I didn't think I was good enough to be his stepmother. (I have mother issues myself, which led to this revelation) This all came out when H and I talked the other night. He asked me why I didn't tell him that's how I felt? I said at first I didn't even know that's what it was. I asked him why he didn't tell me that it was bothering him that much FOR SO LONG. He didn't have an answer. I told him even though I felt like I wasn't good enough, I tried the best I could, and now SS and I are so much better...closer. I love that kid as my own.
I basically busted out crying when I saw his mother's message. It made me feel good that I was able to work through (for the most part) my own mother issues, in order to be the kind of stepmother he deserves. And my H thinks my SS will be totally okay when we tell him that we're separating.
I wouldn't think "how rude" I would think, he got the note, took it, and put it somwhere...he filed it somehwere in his brain AND he responded in kind
that is huge
but the important thing is
that you do these things FOR YOU
not for a reaction from him
but because THIS IS THE KIND OF PERSON YOU ARE
leaving little notes
smiles
extra cookies of his favorite kind
etc
because YOU ARE A KIND PERSON
because it is WHO YOU ARE
not because you are pretending to be someone else
get back to who you are at your core
let him see that person he fell in love with
Fig, I am doing this for me. I did for a minute think how rude, but I moved on. Haven't detached fully, but I'm working on it.
I'm not pretending to be someone else. I got such joy out of writing that note, giggling to myself. (I really am a teenage girl on the inside! LOL) That's the person I really am. She just got lost for a little while. But she'll be back! (In my Arnold voice)
But I do understand your point. Can't let his actions affect mine.
Ro, I know exactly what you mean. Once a long time ago, I would have no problem giving my H a kiss and a hug, or looking him right in the eyes with a smile. It took 15-20 years of downhill slide to crush that out of my nature and it's hard for me to just forget that and get back to who I want to be.
Of course, about 200 rebuffs of "ewww not on the mouth" could have that effect on anyone with sensitive feelings.
But back to you, the note is so sweet, and I love that you weren't doing it in a manipulative way but just a purely natural way. You're you, but better - you're sweet and demonstrative but also gaining confidence in who you are and releasing some of your old baggage and bad habits. Cool!
Ro, I just have to say, I've never seen you dig this deep before. It's so hard but so necessary.
Bravo!
Thanks AD. My confidence has taken a beating in the past couple of years. It's slowly coming back.
La Bug, you are right. Counseling was really hard for me, but so worth it. I'm mulling going back sometime soon. For now, I'm looking inward and figuring out exactly who I am.
Spent today resting and working on my short-term & long-term goals. Some are R goals, and others are MY goals. I will post them here tomorrow.
Spent some time with H this evening, watching TV. He also showed me some of the artwork he's been working on for his album cover. First time in a long time for that. I'm getting the feeling he's testing me or something. I'm trying to work on listening better (one of my goals), so I gave him my undivided attention during the conversation, and even asked a few questions.
Nothing major, but I am continuing to work on me. A better me is what I'm looking forward too.
So, I have the list of goals. I’m not sure if they make sense or not, so I’m just going to list them all for feedback. There are A LOT of them, so I will need to break them down into short & long-term lists as well. Again, some of the goals are for me, and some for my M.
1. NO R TALK.
2. I will not bring up OW. (Take me now, Jesus!)
3. I will compliment H so that he feels admired by me.
4. I will work on not being sarcastic when talking to H.
5. I will call my stepson at least once a week.
6. I will work out at least 3 times a week.
7. I will read at least one chapter of a M per night. (been really slack here)
8. I will do something just for me at least once a week.
9. I will make sure H feels love from me by my words and actions (speaking softly, eye contact when he’s talking, etc.)
10. I will ask H to have dinner with me once a week (in or out of the house).
11. I will do more active listening (eye contact, stop what I’m doing while he is talking, really listen and not think about my response).
12. I will kiss/hug H when leaving or entering the house (this is one of his issues; no problem doing it when leaving…entering the house is a different story)
There you have it. I am in the process of reading Michele's posts on goals in the archives, so I’m sure there are more that I will list as they come to me.
My H just did something really strange, but good I guess.
I have had an issue before with him excluding me from his writing, music, etc. We would be sitting at home and he'd be on the phone with his best friend telling him plots of stories he'd written or ideas for short films. I would be sitting there like Wow, totally didn't know you were gonna do that. We've had many a falling out about it.
So we're sitting here tonight and he's playing with ipad and his friend calls. They start talking about these new apps my H found. All of a sudden, he tells his friend to hold on, and says before I tell him about this, let me show you. I said "Huh"? He says let me show you this app before I tell him about it. We both laugh because this normally doesn't happen. I go over, he shows me the app then continues his conversation.
Completely out of the blue...I just rolled with it, but for real, I'm in shock!
awesomesauce
remember to thank him for that
like
thank you so much for remembering to include me in that. I love that you remember how much it means to me
Fig - I didn't thank him and didn't think of thanking him until you mentioned it. I s*ck at this, huh? Guess I can always back track and say it tonight.
Tomorrow is one of our wedding anniversaries. (We got married in the states in April, then went to the Bahamas and had a beach wedding in May) I know he remembers what day it is because we talked about it a couple of weeks ago when he mentioned he'd be out of town this weekend. (That's a whole other story)
I've been told to have no expectations. To be honest, I KNOW I have expectations about tomorrow. So instead of acting like I don't, I'm just figuring out how to not show my disappointment ahead of time, and what to do for myself instead. I know this means I am not detached enough.
Which leads me to this...my coach told me to do all this stuff - basically act like his girlfriend. I had a friend tell me that I'm focusing too much on my H. So my next thought of course is how do I balance focusing on them to do these things my coach suggested, while trying not to focus on them? I don't seem to be doing a good job of it.
So if anyone has any ideas, PLEASE let me know.
Journaling just to keep track of this rollercoaster...
Came home today to find my husband sitting on the couch very "drained & tired". Not sure what that's about, but didn't dwell on it too much. He said he had a busy day so I said maybe your brain is tired. LOL I did notice he was wearing one of his wedding bands (he has some cheaper ones he used to wear sometimes) I had a surprised look on my face, and he saw it and said it had been in the car, but he couldn't fit it before. He said his fingers weren't as swollen so he could wear it now. I just said ok and left it alone. He's been showing me things he's working on that are in his ipad. I stopped what I was doing to make sure he knew I was listening to him.
Who is this today? I need to come up with names for his different personalities. LOL
Don't scare the squirrel!
Ro, about the anniv, that's a tough one. It was so hard for me in Oct to just let the day pass without acknowledgement but I did. But it was easier for me because we aren't in the same house.
I'll be thinking of you.
(maybe his wearing of the ring is an acknowledgment)
Thanks La Bug!
I just got him some lower-end headphones & a Family Guy dvd. I'm just going to hand it to him, say Happy Anniversary and leave the room. Maybe I'll do it at midnight. I'm already up one drink celebrating my weight loss so far, so I should sleep good tonight. LOL I'm going to need that sleep so being tired doesn't affect my emotions tomorrow.
Yes! I always have more most difficult days when I'm overtired.
Well, I've survived Anniversary Day so far. Gave H his gift this morning at midnight. He was asleep on the couch and was out of it. I tapped him, handed him the gift bag, said Happy Anniversary, and went and got in the bed. He came in about 5 mins later, looking sad, and hugged and kissed me. Said he was going back to read the cards. Came in again to hug and kiss me. Still looking sad. Said he hadn't forgotten; just that with his knee problems he hadn't been able to get to the stores he needed to go to. (Really dude? Ever heard of Amazon?) I just said okay, and turned over.
He woke up this morning with knee pain again, so he's at home. Said he was going in late, and he'd call me if he decided to stay home. I said okay, and left. (But I did do the kiss goodbye!) Just talked to him and he's staying home today. Has a call in to the doctor to get something for his knee. I told him to try to stay off of it, and rest it. I'm only telling this to say that I probably wasn't as supportive as I should be because I am definitely a little ticked that he didn't even have at least a card. Maybe by the next anniversary I'll be a little better about not having any expectations. But that didn't happen today. *sigh* Moving on...He seems SO out of it. I wonder if he's on something. LOL *shrug*
Hi Ro, ((((((hugs Ro))))) this is a hard day. You did good. Pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and keep on truckin.
You can start your self-care by treating yourself to something you've always wanted but didn't feel you deserved.
(
NOT a Brazilian waiter!
)
Just venting/rambling...Probably totally uncalled for and my own fault because I couldn't just let today pass as a normal day, but here goes:
Can I just say that my H can be so clueless sometimes? And an a$$! When I talked to him earlier, I told him I had texted him on my way to work but hadn't gotten a response and was worried he had fallen down or something (he can barely walk on with that bad knee), and has fallen down at work recently because of it.
So he called me back to say he was going to pick up some meds from the doctor and he was just calling me to let me know so I wouldn't be worried. And said he'll call me when he gets back so I'll know he's home. Said he was going and coming straight back home.
I almost said, Oh, so you can call and keep me in the loop on your comings and goings but you can't acknowledge that today is our anniversary? Not even with a card? GRRR
Okay, back to your day. Just had to get that out. Hey, the way I see it, at least I'm honest with you guys. Whether right or wrong! LOL Carry on...
You can say it. He's a clueless a$$. Yep.
I came home to a dozen of my favorite roses, and a card. The card just said Happy Anniversary in the front. The message on the inside will explain why I am laying in bed with the covers up to my eyebrows: "Things have been very difficult for us this year. A lot has happened between us. But what I will never do is forget the significance of this day and what it means to us!" Then he wrote: I will ALWAYS LOVE You! Happy Anniversary. The 'o' in love was a heart. He didn't even sign his name same as Valentine's Day.
Why do I feel like this card is the same as a Dear John letter?
I did thank him and tried not to sound sad when I said thanks for the card. :-(
Mr. Bond, he hasn't said he's not. And as of our conversation last week, I took it that something was still going on. He never did say either way.
I do know he hasn't seen her since February, so I assume that's just making the "attraction" stronger.
My plan was to take myself out tonight. Since he did at least did acknowledge the day would it be rude to still do that? He's pretty much stuck at home because of his knee. A DB friend suggested that I still take some time for myself tonight, but bring dinner back and suggest watching a movie.
Why do I feel sorry for him? He's the one who "doesn't know who he is" and needs to "find himself". UGH!
Then in that case go out and treat yourself. Get dressed and make yourself super attractive, tell him you're going out (don't tell him where) and just go. You already gave him a gift, there is no need to get him dinner.
Let him feel the loss. But most importantly, you have a great time.
I did get out for a little while. Had a meltdown on the way there, but a friend talked me off the ledge. The last part of the message my H put in the card is what he told me the night he dropped the bomb (that he would always love me, but couldn't be married to me anymore). So when I saw that in the card, it took me back there and it was a dagger through my heart all over again. I was ready to give in, say Uncle, whatever because some days the pain is just too much. Then I got a text from my FIL just saying hey. (He does not know what is going on). God has a sense of humor I tell you. So I'm in it to fight another day. We'll see how I feel tomorrow. :-/
I did end up with a couple of cute outfits for work, so today wasn't a total loss.
Write down the positives.
1. He says he loves you
2. He still lives in the home
3. you have some cute work outfits
Focus on the positives, dont focus on the A, that will make you bonkers!
Write down the positives.
1. He says he loves you
2. He still lives in the home
3. you have some cute work outfits
Focus on the positives, dont focus on the A, that will make you bonkers!
Thanks BK! I needed that reminder. Being negative is one of the things I'm working on stopping. I've been doing fairly well not thinking about the A. Today was just a hard day, I guess. I don't know how other people are totally fine on their anniversary if they are the LBS. I guess its something I'll have to learn how to do.
We ended up watching a movie (Rango) together last night, which I fell asleep during. LOL
I just have to say, given its a new day, I still feel that my M is over. I'm not going to stop DBing, because I know that he 180s and other changes are really for me. But I can also see the writing on the wall, and my H hasn't budged from wanting to leave in the 4 months I've been doing this.
Just some of the thoughts running through my head this morning.
We are so conditioned by society and by are ourselves to "face the facts" and "read the writing on the walls". Those things are just trying to predict the future.
Last night you watched a movie with your H. I would give my little toe on my left foot to hang with my H and watch a bad movie.
Write a gratitude list!
We are so conditioned by society and by are ourselves to "face the facts" and "read the writing on the walls". Those things are just trying to predict the future.
Last night you watched a movie with your H. I would give my little toe on my left foot to hang with my H and watch a bad movie.
Write a gratitude list!
BK, you didn't name the exact toe did you? LOL
Guess I'm thinking what's the point anymore?
BK=Wise Woman.
How do you know he hasn't budged?
He's still there with you.
You have a friendly relationship.
He bought you roses.
What is is you really want Ro? There's something else there.
I'm with Bug and BK.
He bought u a dozen of your favorite roses, told you he loves you, and you watched a movie together. Those types of things are not common on these boards.
I know we are not their and can't fully understand the tone and temperature of your sitch but these seem like positives to me.
Is it that he's not living up to your expectations? Are you angry that you are working so hard on you for your m and he hasn't reciprocated?
I recall some other recent positives coming from him as well. I know this has seemed like forever but in the grand scheme of things 4 months is not that long.
Look deeper and get back to us RoRo!!
((R))
remember do not tell him how he feels
you do not know the workings of his heart and mind
do not decide for him
y0u are making changes for you
out some things in perspective
because it is hard, you are thinking in mins
4 months = 124 days = 7440 mins
but
another perspective is
4 months = 1/4 of a year and I have been alive for 40 years so that is only like 160th of my life
It's like how the parent of an infant thinks they have it hard, and the parent of two toddlers thinks they have it hard, and the parent of three teens thinks they have it hard. It's hard for all of them, and our pain is experienced only on our own personal scale. While for me Ro's anniversary day would be the best one I've had in years, I understand that she is not happy.
On the other hand, I can't imagine the pain of knowing my H had sex with another woman, because I don't know for a fact that has happened and so I choose to ignore the possibility. Ro can't ignore what she knows.
Ro, you're entitled to feel angry and hurt and disappointed. If you can process those feelings without acting on them, and give them time to settle in, you may eventually come around to appreciating what was good there. By the way, with his knee pain how'd he get the roses? He put some effort into recognizing the special day. He may still want to end your marriage, but then he hasn't moved out...why not? He acknowledges that you're having tough times, that's honest. Being reactive, acting out of emotion, throwing out the good because it isn't good enough, you can choose to do these things or choose not to.
Glad you got cute outfits - that's great!
I also noticed I reverted to my self-defense pattern of withdrawal.
W said she was only doing what she always does and that I had already adjusted my schedule to go in later as it is. I thanked her for that but also let her know that I would appreciate her talking to me and involving me in the plans instead of just assuming.
Saw this on ces' thread and it struck a cord with me. I ALWAYS do this. Make a decision based on what I assume is H's schedule, point of view, whatever. I think this helped contribute to his not feeling needed and like he was a hindrance more than a help. I've been working at including him in more things that require a decision or leaving it up to him to make the decision.
As far as withdrawal, that's my normal MO. I've been fighting it since I started DBing. Whenver things get tough in life, I withdraw from pretty much everything. This didn't help my M either. When H and I would have a really bad argument I would withdraw and not talk or give any affection for DAYS. My H lives for affection and words of encourgagement. So not getting them basically hurt him to the core.
Just something for me to think about.
Ro, I know how difficult this is for you. Keep digging!
You are one courageous brick....house!
She's mighty, mighty!
(dancin')
I love that song....."just lettin it all hang out"
Ro, I know how difficult this is for you. Keep digging!
You are one courageous brick....house!
She's mighty, mighty!
(dancin')
I'm dancing at my desk! ;-)
oh merry (poppins) land...
I guess you're next...
but not right now...
"(that he would always love me, but couldn't be married to me anymore)"
I don't see that he wrote that in the card in your previous post. If he didn't actually write this in the card, then, that's alot of self-talk that is discouraging you.
If he did write that in the card, then I would have suggested that you calmly give him back his gift and tell him thank you for the thought, however since it was your anniversary the gift was not done in the spirit of that. Then just walk away.
You don't know how ripe the timing is for him to feel the loss of your right now. If he feels you slipping away he will come closer.
"(that he would always love me, but couldn't be married to me anymore)"
I don't see that he wrote that in the card in your previous post. If he didn't actually write this in the card, then, that's alot of self-talk that is discouraging you.
If he did write that in the card, then I would have suggested that you calmly give him back his gift and tell him thank you for the thought, however since it was your anniversary the gift was not done in the spirit of that. Then just walk away.
You don't know how ripe the timing is for him to feel the loss of your right now. If he feels you slipping away he will come closer.
No Mr. Bond he didn't say that. ;-)
I get what you're saying about him feeling the loss of me. However, my coach did not advise me to do that. If you have any idea how to be his girlfriend AND have him feel the loss of me, let me know. I haven't really tried either way (well, just trying the girlfriend thing now after a month of ignoring the coach's suggestions LOL).
BK=Wise Woman.
How do you know he hasn't budged?
He's still there with you.
You have a friendly relationship.
He bought you roses.
What is is you really want Ro? There's something else there.
You're right. I don't know he hasn't budged. What I really want is for my H to stop acting like he just landed from Mars. But since that probably won't happen anytime soon, I'm not sure what I want right now.
I suck at limbo anything. For me, something usually is one way or the other (either it is or it isn't). I know me seeing things as black or white does not work for my husband. He's definitely a more grey, purple, blue kind of person.
I'm with Bug and BK.
He bought u a dozen of your favorite roses, told you he loves you, and you watched a movie together. Those types of things are not common on these boards.
I know we are not their and can't fully understand the tone and temperature of your sitch but these seem like positives to me.
Is it that he's not living up to your expectations? Are you angry that you are working so hard on you for your m and he hasn't reciprocated?
I recall some other recent positives coming from him as well. I know this has seemed like forever but in the grand scheme of things 4 months is not that long.
Look deeper and get back to us RoRo!!
((R))
I think I need to remember that we are "separated" and not really together, so the stuff he used to do on special occasions probably won't happen.
He does think that I am never satisfied with anything he does. Which is probably true. My expecations for other people are always mostly over the top. I am working on realizing that people are human and no one is perfect. I think because so many people let me down when I was younger, in my head I feel like if I finally let down my wall and let them in, they need to live up to that. When they don't, it shakes me to my core.
I definitely need to look at the positives.
remember do not tell him how he feels
you do not know the workings of his heart and mind
do not decide for him
y0u are making changes for you
out some things in perspective
because it is hard, you are thinking in mins
4 months = 124 days = 7440 mins
but
another perspective is
4 months = 1/4 of a year and I have been alive for 40 years so that is only like 160th of my life
Thanks, fig. I get it. Stop mind reading and get it together. I get it!
oh merry (poppins) land...
I guess you're next...
but not right now...
I think this is equivalent to the "there will be a day when you will be done, but that day is not today"?
I don't know whether I'm coming or going half the time.
Rather than going dark, how about going dim? For example, when you were sitting and watching the movie with him, did you sit together? Were you touching each other, etc.? I'm talking about just light touches and not a full make out session.
Honestly, "Couples Retreat" may have been a better choice to watch than Rango for your anniversary. Just sayin'.
Let me be a little more abstract, ro...
Is it the destination... or the journey... that matters...?
right now...?
It seems like you are anticipating and anxious to fast forward to the end credits... rather than enjoying the little things... the appetisers...
look for the little, positive, baby steps... rounding the bases... you have to get to home by rounding the bases one at a time... in order...
Rather than going dark, how about going dim? For example, when you were sitting and watching the movie with him, did you sit together? Were you touching each other, etc.? I'm talking about just light touches and not a full make out session.
Honestly, "Couples Retreat" may have been a better choice to watch than Rango for your anniversary. Just sayin'.
Mr. Bond, yes we sat on the same couch, but not close together, and no touching. Although, my couch encouraged me to do that. Haven't worked the nerve yet though.
Since I basically went dim (and sometimes dark) in our M, the coach told me NOT to do that. We've seen Couples Retreat. Wanted to watch something we hadn't seen.
I'm so confused now. LOL
Let me be a little more abstract, ro...
Is it the destination... or the journey... that matters...?
right now...?
It seems like you are anticipating and anxious to fast forward to the end credits... rather than enjoying the little things... the appetisers...
look for the little, positive, baby steps... rounding the bases... you have to get to home by rounding the bases one at a time... in order...
KD, OF COURSE I want to fast forward! One of the things I'm working on is enjoying the little things in life. Everything doesn't have to have a parade WITH floats to be positive. Its a hard thing for me to do.
Well, I GUESS I could be satisfied with just watching the marching band. LOL
La Bug, I really do love you! :-)
Sisters from a different, tho very similar, mother. ;/
Have a great weekend no matter what you decide to do. Focus on some little things, why doncha?
I am.
1. Take a nap before I leave.
2. Go get my hair straightened.
3. Pedicure.
bug got you thinking in the right direction...
yes we all want to get to the final act... the end game... the destination...
can't remember which vet says this often...
The only way through this... is THROUGH it...
so yes... do try to find your happy through this... however that might look to you...
I have a dilemma. OW wrote on my stepson's FB page "We need to chat!!!". Now according to H, my stepson does not know anything about him and OW yet, but she is his FB friend as I have mentioned. H does not check FB often, and certainly not my stepson's page as much as I do, so he probably hasn't seen the post. SS has a lot of Senior stuff coming up, including Senior Prom next weekend, and I'll be d@mned if anything puts a damper on that. He already told me he was excited about it so I know he's looking forward to it.
I want to draw a line in the sand and tell H that I don't want OW talking to SS until we've had a chance to talk to him and explained that we are separating. Butler I'm not sure that's the right thing to do. H doesn't seem to be in a hurry to tell SS, and I don't want this to be the catalyst where he feels he needs to go ahead and say something NOW. Where is all that time you guys keep telling me I have?
Second thing - H has been scheduled for knee surgery on May 8th. I figured I could use this opportunity to foster some goodwill between us. Another one of H's issues is that he feels I'm not attentive and loving enough when he is sick. (My mother once tried to send me to school sick. Turns out I had Scarlet Fever. My mother didn't really allow time for sickness, so I ended up treating H the same way).This could be an opportunity for me to do a HUGE 180! I also think that H knows me well enough to know that once we tell the family, he'll have to leave the house. I highly doubt he plans to do that before his surgery. Especially since he's already talking about where he can be set up once he's home recuperating. (It's only orthoscopic surgery so the downtime will be less than a week)
So any suggestions on how I handle this?
Butler? You have a butler?
sorry, couldn't resist.
Ro... I get where you're coming from but realize you really don't have a ton of control here.
If OW tells SS what will you do? Divorce your H? <ok... a little tongue-in-cheek there, but see my point?> Not talk to the OW?
You're right of course... your H and you need to tell your SS. He needs to hear it from you two, together, and not from the OW.
So then... since you can't control the OW you can only control what you do. If you think he needs to know, now, then you need to control your life. H can come along or not.
He's chosen to make these beds to lie in... don't let him make you prep the beds too.
Stop trying to control people you can't control. Control you. It will make you less crazy. I promise.
WHG, if you've read any of my previous posts, you will see that I often say I only control me. A hard thing to do, but something I work on alot. I was not trying to control my H or OW. I just did not want my SS to hear from OW that the dad he idolizes is cheating on his Stepmother. That is something that should be told by his dad, which H and I have discussed.
I actually called H and told him about the post. He seemed genuinely surprised. I suggested to him that if OW was going to be chatting with SS, we should probably talk to him first (which H completely ignored). I told him I did not want SS upset and distracted from all of his senior stuff. H said he would talk to SS to see what he post was about ( Note: H didn't say he was going to talk to OW. CRAZY!). Last night the post was gone.
Btw - SS's mom would have also be inquiring about who this 30-something woman who wanted to "chat" with her 19-year old son who is still in high school.
La Bug - Dang auto-complete!
I can imagine that you have a decent relationship with SS19, maryland...
How long have you had a relationship with him? What age was he when your R with you H began?
Forgive me if I sound out of place or rude here, but it would seem to me that SS19's knowledge of OW would be between your H and his X...
You have an R with SS19 no doubt... and it will be up to you to continue to nurture it...
He's 19 and can and will come to whatever conclusions he feels fits for him. And unfortunately, one of those conclusions might be that his dad is better with OW and that he (SS19) really likes OW...
Sorry if that's harsh... unless I'm somehow confused about you being M to your H for 3 years when the R was much, much longer??
I have known H since 1995, and his son was 14 when we started dating.
Yes, the knowledge of OW would be between H and his X. But I was speaking in mother terms, not OW terms. SS is INCREDIBLY close to his mother. She also watches his FB account. She would be asking questions about any 30+ year old woman wanting to "chat" with her son, as I would. (I did the same thing with my younger brother)
I understand what you are saying about SS and his conclusions about OW. There's nothing I can do about that. What I'm saying is, its going to hurt when we tell him. Anything I can do to limit that hurt, I will do.
I'm confused as to your question about the length of my M in reference to my relationship with SS. Does me only being M for 3 years mean I love him less than I would if we had been married longer?
Sorry if I'm confused about your line of questioning, but I don't play around about my SS.
Only you know the bond that you created between yourself and SS.
While I believe I have an amazing relationship with D14, all things considered... We all still know that I am not her bio dad... that card has never been played by her, but that's not to say it couldn't... Even if she did, I would still love her as my D.
The reason for the length of your R with SS is because while I am sure that you feel you have a great bond with SS... only he knows how he feels about you.
Considering his R with his mom as you describe it... well... if it came down to her or you... only he knows where his loyalties would be.
If his mom chose to welcome OW into SS's life and you did not... only your SS knows how he would deal with that lovely triangle...
It does sound like you believe that your H's X and you are on the same page.
I'm sure you are not naive and these thoughts are possibly going through your mind.
I would not stand in my D14's way of a R with her bio dad... even considering what he put my W and D14 through... that's not my place...
Maybe I'm still not being clear on what I'm trying to say.
I am more than willing to be called out on this...
I am getting a sense that you are really hoping that SS19 and H's X will disapprove of OW...
I'm saying... you can't control that... and I am reading that you are agreeing...
Something is niggling at my brain... and I'm thinking that you are really, really, really not happy with OW...
That's understandable...
But in this... in the context of OW... there is always the possibility that you will stand alone...
...and?
KD, I think you're on a tangent here. From what I've read of Ro's posts this has to do with the possibility of OW dropping a bomb on SS before his graduation week celebrations.
Ro, correct me if I'm wrong.
As I know you will
La Bug - Exactly! I don't want his last few days of high school ruined. I know we have to tell him we are separating, but I would rather it be after senior exams at least.
KD - I am not thinking about it as a competition as you obviously are. I KNOW my SS would choose his mom over me. I'm 34 and I'd do the same thing for my mother. LOL
H's X has actually said to me that she is happy that I love SS and gives her comfort when he comes to visit. (This was mentioned in a recent post of mine. You might want to read it to get a little background on this)
Yes, the situation was worst because it was OW posting. I honestly would have adked H to look into it even if it was a random 30 year old woman.
ok. No problem. Not really seeing it as a competition...
If you realize there's nothing that you can do about it... even though you'd prefer to have SS be told AFTER his grad...
I'm not sure the reason to bring it up...
Unless it's just a vent...
KD. - I'm not sure what your deal is tonight. But since you're in my thread, I'll entertain you.
Did you even read my previous post? My dilemma was whether to say anything to H about it. BECAUSE if that conversation was going to take place, we should probably talk to him FIRST. I said I couldn't control if SS likes OW or not. But if I can somehow protect him just a little and have his dad tell him instead if OW, I am going to do that.
And yes I tend to vent alot in my thread.
But there IS something she can do about it. Sometimes the tendency to overanalyze on these boards goes too far. Ro saw something on SS's FB page from OW. Ro wanted to discuss this with H so he would be aware and sensitive of what was happening and the timing ramifications for SS. That's part of being a wife is noting and pointing out emotional things H might not be aware of. She's trying to protect SS's senior special moments most of all here.
That's worth discussing with H, Ro. Now that the message disappeared maybe it's been taken care of. Both you and SS's mom have an interest in his welfare, legitimately. Glad you're looking out for him, and from his mom's recent message to you, she is too. Keep it up.
All the feelings you have about OW and the amount of control you have over SS's relationship with various people is all interesting to get into here, but it's all tangential to the point you brought up about OW posting on SS's FB. You were right to be concerned about that. You are a GREAT stepmom.
KD...I am not sure what point you are trying to get at.
It isn't about getting stepson on her side
it is about how he finds out about OW and when
does he find out from OW before exams and prom
or
does he find out after
[censored] either way but it might be better for him to find out after exams and prom so it doesn't spoil those events, yes?
I appreciate and accept that my comments were not well received.
I accept that I have been unable to be clear with what I was trying to say.
And that's OK.
This is the most action my thread has seen in a LONG time. LOL
I think AD & fig explained my position pretty well. Guess I wasn't doing that well at explaining either. :-)
KD I viewed your input as trying to set her expectations and prepare her for the possible outcomes that are beyond her control, which is stuff that suxx that she will have to deal with possibly. That's worthwhile but not what she was looking for at the moment.
One of the things I've noticed here is sometimes people aren't ready to hear some things until later. And sometimes people want to share their hard earned wisdom where it isn't exactly called for. Either way, there's value in the dialog.
Good practice for managing temper at the very least.
I appreciate everyone chiming in. If I didn't I never would have posted my issue.
AD - I think you are right on some level. I didn't disagree with anything KD said about the control issue. It's not that I wasn't ready to hear it, it just wasn't my primary concern at that moment. Lord knows, I know I can't control H's relationship with OW, or SS's soon to be relationship with OW. Half the time, I feel like I don't even control me. LOL I just wanted to some feedback on whether to bring the issue to H or not.
At risk of the wrath of the new moon, again... lol...
By all means, choose to tell him... or not...
Considering your H's past behaviours... I don't know if logic is going to work with him...
At risk of the wrath of the new moon, again... lol...
By all means, choose to tell him... or not...
Considering your H's past behaviours... I don't know if logic is going to work with him...
I totally agree that logic isn't necessarily on my side here. But I had to try. *shrug*
Needing some motivation today. Gonna go read some success stories (M reconciled, or divorced and doing well).
Looking for suggestions on success stories where an OP was involved.
Hey RO
Let me know if you find anything inspirational. It is raining here and it's really not helping my mood. Feeling down and out right now.
Hey RO
Let me know if you find anything inspirational. It is raining here and it's really not helping my mood. Feeling down and out right now.
It's sunny here, and I'm still feeling BLAH! :-( I'll let you know what I find.
Want me to tell you a joke so you can laugh? LOL
Yes please!!! Anything! LOL!
Sorry I just got back here. Swamped at work!
Let's see...
On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
I found this one and I just had to. Kinda hits home for me. LOL
So...just an update on my sitch.
H is scheduled for knee surgery on May 8th. It's orthoscopic and will be quick, so the recovery time is minimal. Of course he hasn't said anything else about moving out since he found this out. I'm really trying not to get resentful that he is just using the house as his recovery zone, and me as his nursemaid. Of course if I didn't help him out, that probably would be another thing on his checklist that I did wrong. (Me not being as kind and gentle as he thinks I should be when he's sick is one of his issues)
So I keep telling myself to have no expectations and just roll with it. (Which is SO hard!) How DO you detach from someone who gives backrubs when you say you're in pain, and kisses and hugs you everyday, and says I love you? UGH!
I do deserve a kudos for yesterday though. I MADE myself go workout. I haven't really worked out but once or twice in a good 2 months. I probably shouldn't have because of my back, but I did do low impact for a good 30 mins. I SO did not want to go, but I know eventually I have to start exercising again if I want to keep this weight off.
I've been doing lots of soul searching and looking inward. Some of the stuff I see is ugly, raw, and just not fun. But I'm doing it. I've had "self" issues basically my whole life, so it's going to take lots of work to get through them.
I'm still not sure on the status of H's A, but I do know they still communicate. (LONG story there, but let's just say she makes sure I see her tweets on Twitter) We have been spending more time together in the evenings, which never used to happen. He even made a comment on Sunday that he can't believe that I love Game of Thrones. (This is what he watched while I was sick with the virus in February, and I got hooked) We almost never like the same shows. I just told him I watched last season, and HAD to see what happened now. Thinking about it now, I might have said something about I liked spending time with him (we usually make it a dinner & show kind of night), which would be the truth. Not sure how that would have been received though.
Anyway, just going along, one footstep at a time. I've been advised do nothing, kick H out, and some other stuff that I probably should not write down. LOL I don't think we're at a crossroads yet, but could be getting close because who in their right mind stays in a 3 person marriage?
Just journaling/venting...
H's knee seems to be getting progressively worse. It buckled this morning as he was getting out of bed. Hopefully no further damage is done to it before the surgery.
I'm kind of annoyed at myself for caring or even thinking about it. I mean...I want to ask: Where's your mistress when you need her? Oh right! She lives 5 1/2 hours away and can't help you do ANYTHING! GRRR
Is 2012 over yet?
Hi Ro - you are in fact a very caring person. You feel so angry at H and yet you clearly love him and have compassion for his knee pain and upcoming surgery. One thing you might consider is setting a date to think about your sitch again, post-surgery, and just bury it in your mind until that date.
As much as someone else would be justified in kicking him out now and letting him deal with his surgery the way some single dude would have to, that doesn't sound like you. You'll take care of him because that is who you are, not because he's earned it. So take the pressure off yourself by waiting all the way until it's over before you think about the sitch.
Who knows, the time and events may help clarify things in H's mind.
Of all the choices you have, I see that one as fitting your values. What do you think?
Ro...right now...YOU ARE in a marriage and his mistress IS 5 and 1/2 hours away...hows about using that to your advantage
perhaps she is making sure you are seeing her tweets etc to MAKE you feel insecure and threatened...
why give her that???
right now
YOU are the one in the position to help your HUSBAND
YOU are the one who he can see everyday being sweet and kind and caring and loving
YOU are the one who is listening to what he says and has the opportunity to change how he perceives you
Hi Ro - you are in fact a very caring person. You feel so angry at H and yet you clearly love him and have compassion for his knee pain and upcoming surgery. One thing you might consider is setting a date to think about your sitch again, post-surgery, and just bury it in your mind until that date.
As much as someone else would be justified in kicking him out now and letting him deal with his surgery the way some single dude would have to, that doesn't sound like you. You'll take care of him because that is who you are, not because he's earned it. So take the pressure off yourself by waiting all the way until it's over before you think about the sitch.
Who knows, the time and events may help clarify things in H's mind.
Of all the choices you have, I see that one as fitting your values. What do you think?
AD, thanks for popping in! I think you've summed up how I'm feeling correctly. (Why can't I put my own words together like this? SMH) Even with everything that has happened, I still can't see myself kicking him out. That just isn't who I am. (I can thank my grandmother for this gene. She helped EVERYBODY, even when they didn't deserve it...especially my grandfather) But I also feel like he KNOWS that, and may be using it to his advantage. I will be honest here and say I'm pretty skeptical about anything he does these days, so I'm sure that's clouding my judgment, if only slightly.
I think setting a date post-surgery to re-evaluate is a good idea. I was kind of thinking that, but really didn't have a clue which direction to go. H has at least 3 weeks of physical therapy after the surgery. I'll have to think about a date after that to discuss the living situation and what's next.
Stop right there, at the part where you take care of him because it's the right thing to do. Don't get into his mind and wonder if he's taking advantage or doesn't REALLY love you. That's the part you've got to put off till later. For YOU, not for him.
See, you can be a wonderful wife and be there for him and worry later about kicking him out, or you can be a wonderful wife and be there for him and feel resentful and used the whole time. And the only difference...is in your head.
Stop right there, at the part where you take care of him because it's the right thing to do. Don't get into his mind and wonder if he's taking advantage or doesn't REALLY love you. That's the part you've got to put off till later. For YOU, not for him.
See, you can be a wonderful wife and be there for him and worry later about kicking him out, or you can be a wonderful wife and be there for him and feel resentful and used the whole time. And the only difference...is in your head.
Let that ^^^^ sink in Ro. This is very wise counsel!
You have a case of the Yeah Buts!
GEEZ, is this 3 on 1 or what? LOL
In my head, the resentment makes me feel less detached, when in reality I guess I'm not detached at all if I'm feeling resentment. HMMM Gonna ponder that a little more.
I get what you guys are saying. I need to find a way to stop my negative thoughts.
La Bug - Love this:
You have a case of the Yeah Buts!
It's cute, but it is something I need to think about honestly. Have I been Yeah butting our entire relationship? HMMM
You guys are going to make my head explode. LOL