Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: ThisDayForward Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/27/12 04:21 PM
Part 5: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2233681&#Post2233681
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/27/12 06:35 PM
I'm angry at myself for letting my relationship reach this pathetic point.

I actually called my ex girlfriend today from 20 years ago . I use to abuse her. Physically , verbally , and emotionally . It took alot of courage but I apologized and she truly deeply appreciated it.

part of my healing process im working on with my counselor

Also M1 I took my rings off but there back on. Her rings really haven't bothered me much .
Posted By: 2thepoint Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/27/12 07:49 PM
"Her rings really haven't bothered me much."

Not true ^^^ Net. You have been obsessing about the rings for weeks if not longer.

Keep your rings on if you like but quit obsessing over them. You putting yours back on is not going to magically get her to put hers back on.

It's good that you are owning up to past mistakes. The trick is to not continue to make the same mistakes over and over again. How are you going to tackle that nut?
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/27/12 09:57 PM
I'm tackling that nut through faith and my counseling. I'm making progress. I just bought that codependcy book. I have a book on positive thoughts. I'm trying to not be as reactive to her.

For example. Easter Sunday is my weekend with the kids. She invited me over for Easter (I know she only did this cuz I have the kids)

I accepted and offered to help set up tables if she feels we need to.
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/27/12 10:27 PM
Also fyi. She removed "married" from her FB profile. I haven't been obsessing over that or posting about that. So I am making progress.
Posted By: labug Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/27/12 11:36 PM
I don't believe that we are paid back for wrongs so much as we continue to do things that cause ourselves trouble.

Learn to plant different seeds.
Posted By: MrBond Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/28/12 12:21 AM
"But I do believe once a cheater always a cheater is not true. People grow up. I haven't cheated since we were married."

Hmmm you married a cheater correct? Sound true to me. To be realistic, you were ecstatic when she left her H for you. So now that you're on the other side of the fence, you're shocked and enraged that it's now happening to you.

It seems like she is the type to go from one person to another to have them "give" her happiness rather than she being able to generate the happiness herself. Have you thought about what you did to lure her away from her XH, and to see if that would work?
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/28/12 12:48 AM
Well mr b you are assuming she is cheating right now. To be honest at the time I wasn't luring her away. We worked together and I was just being myself. She came onto me and I actually felt terrible about the whole situation but I fell in love with her.

But yes she does seen to have that pattern of behavior and I pray and hope there is not OM but if there is I can see y
Posted By: Sad in WI Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/28/12 01:50 AM
Net,

Listen to Labug, plant different seeds. Stupid question, but how do you act around her? Do you show her your anger when you are together?

SIW
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/28/12 02:25 AM
I don't really act angry around her. We had a blow out Thursday night because she was being sneaky on my weekend with the kids. there is a point where I need to defend my time with the kids. Not going to be a doormat and let her walk on me everytime I'm trying to enjoy my night with the kids. I was angry and removed my rings but I started wearing them again. My emotions are high.

Sorry guys I know you hate to hear this by my W is SUPER hormonal and its almost bi polar like. Have you ever lived with some that is bipolar. Try it out and tell me how your patience is.

Ive talked to 25 friends and they all tell me I'm nuts for holding on for this long. My patience is more then you think and I know I have to even practice more patience.

She did book a lawyer but it happened to be mine. She got another reference but from what I understand she never rescheduled with the excuse that she needs to plan for easter. (2 weeks out)

I did get an invite to Easter via email today. I accepted and offered help.

Thanks for your input. I am trying but this is the most challenging thing in my life ever. I am making tiny progress.
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/28/12 12:32 PM
Well she booked another lawyer consultation for 3 pm tomorrow. How do you guys hold your spirits up after that?
Posted By: adinva Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/28/12 12:36 PM
By detaching. Hang in there net.
Posted By: labug Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/28/12 12:45 PM
Originally Posted By: netmaster
Well she booked another lawyer consultation for 3 pm tomorrow.

And life will go on. You have a L, right? What do you think will happen at this consultation that will make things so different from how they are now?

Quote:
How do you guys hold your spirits up after that?

I don't think anyone is expecting you to keep your spirits up. This is a very painful thing, expect it to hurt... A LOT. Once you accept that and quit fighting it, things gets better.

Don't borrow trouble, stop worrying until you have something to worry about.

Take it one step at a time, one day at a time.
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/28/12 12:54 PM
LA. I do have a lawyer for my personal protection when i moved out not to "file" a divorce. I don't know how to answer your question "what do you think will happen at this consultation that will make things so different from how they are now"

I guess maybe I worry she will file. She threaten to take kids overnights from me. Stuff like that.

That is the key. Quit fighting. I'm a fighter. Fighting gets me no where. Its my kids that make it tough. Really really tough. They miss me badly
Posted By: labug Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/28/12 01:22 PM
Originally Posted By: netmaster
"what do you think will happen at this consultation that will make things so different from how they are now"

I guess maybe I worry she will file.


And then what will happen? Face that possibility.

Quote:
She threaten to take kids overnights from me. Stuff like that.
Have you done anything that might make that a possibility?

What does your L say about this? It might be best to get concrete answers instead of relying on all this free-floating anxiety to rule your life.

That is the key. Quit fighting. I'm a fighter. Fighting gets me no where. Its my kids that make it tough. Really really tough. They miss me badly [/quote]

You're scared and that's OK. Stay with that, dig and find out what you are really afraid of. Then figure out what you need to do. Try to stop wishing things were different and deal with the situation you have.
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/28/12 01:37 PM
My L did say that is most likely not the case. I'm good father with a flexible schedule.

Why do I still feel this marriage is salvageable LA?
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/28/12 03:28 PM
One HUGE mistake I keep slipping up on even though with my counselor I am trying SO hard not to do is periodically calling her mother for information to solve my own selfish daily anxiety. I KNOW why I do it but I keep slipping up on it and it makes things even worse for me. Why the F can't I just let it go and let things happen. It drives me crazy. This is why I need a day job. I have way to much time on my hand. I am so angry with myself for calling her and even having urges to call her. I KNOW it doesn't help. I know it makes things worse and I continue to slip up.
Posted By: Dory Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/28/12 04:41 PM
Originally Posted By: netmaster
One HUGE mistake I keep slipping up on even though with my counselor I am trying SO hard not to do is periodically calling her mother for information to solve my own selfish daily anxiety. I KNOW why I do it but I keep slipping up on it and it makes things even worse for me. Why the F can't I just let it go and let things happen. It drives me crazy. This is why I need a day job. I have way to much time on my hand. I am so angry with myself for calling her and even having urges to call her. I KNOW it doesn't help. I know it makes things worse and I continue to slip up.


I am by no means an expert NM, however I'm going to offer you my $0.02. I'm going to pre-emptively apologize if anything I have to say stings, but I need you to know I really am trying to help you.

It appears to me that you're allowing your anxiety to control your behaviour. Obsessiveness is anxiety driven behaviour. You need to get that under control because right now you're allowing it to control you. You need to ask yourself: What is stronger, me or my anxiety? And what do I want to be in control, me or my anxiety? I am not totally familiar with your sitch, so forgive me for saying this, but I think you need to hear it: Whatever it is you're doing is clearly not working for you. If you're not taking antianxiety medication, I urge you to reconsider. There's no shame in accepting help when needed, a person does not get extra bonus points for trying to manage the unmanageable without help. If you're taking antianxiety meds, they're not working. I strongly suggest you discuss with your doctor switching to a different med.

Codependence is a real bugger, I know, I struggle with it myself. But I think you need to understand that by trying to control others and the situation, you're really allowing others and the situation to control you. People are going to do what they're going to do whether you try to influence them or not. Life is going to happen whether or not you're around. So stop wasting your energy and refocus it to controlling yourself and your own behaviours. If you directed even a fraction of the amount of energy you consume in trying to control the uncontrollable, you just might have some energy left to control your own behaviour and be able to resist urges to call your MIL.

Again, I'm sorry if I'm being too blunt and if any of this stings, but I can see that you're really struggling and might need to hear it straigforward.
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/28/12 04:59 PM
Dory you are NOT being blunt. It is spot on. I KNOW this. I am counseling twice a week and believe me I know everything you saying is 100% correct.

I am reading a good book on codependence now. I realize all the things I'm doing WRONG but i slip up.

I am trying very hard to rectify it. I know the more I try to control situation the worse I make it
Posted By: MrBond Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/28/12 06:19 PM
"Well mr b you are assuming she is cheating right now."

No. You are.

"To be honest at the time I wasn't luring her away. We worked together and I was just being myself."

But at the time she was married and even though she was "coming on to you" it doesn't mean that you act on it.

"but I fell in love with her."

No you either felt like you were rescuing her or that you really wanted her but "tried" to stay away under the cover of decency because she was "married". If you knew she was married, regardless of her issues, you should have cleared away.

Look the point is that all the crap she told you about the XH was probably not all true. She's spewing about you the same way she did about the XH and is telling anyone who will listen.

So the only option you really have is to let go. You snoop through her mom, you worry about her seeing a L. In the end it doesn't matter what she does. What are you going to do to detach in a healthy way. In fact, you keep saying about how your W is bi-polar, but you have shown bi-polar tendencies this whole time. One minute you're fine, then the next you're angry.

You're the one who needs the help right now. Not her.
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/28/12 06:48 PM
Mr b im an emotional mess. You're correct . Sitting in a tiny apartment is wearing me thin. I am showing bi polar behavior. Everytime inthink I'm better I am not
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/28/12 06:49 PM
I think me and my wife both have issues and we feed off each other
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/28/12 07:37 PM
Mr B I am getting help. I don't know why 1 day I'm ok a week later I'm
Angry again.

It's alot man! Watching your whole f#%^king life crumble in front of you
Posted By: MrBond Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/28/12 08:07 PM
So get out and do something to get your mind off of it. Sounds simple, but you gotta start somewhere and keep those actions consistent.
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/28/12 08:39 PM
Originally Posted By: netmaster
I think me and my wife both have issues and we feed off each other


Yep....

BUT...

You are the one here

You are the one that has no excuses down the road

Stop feeding her
Posted By: 2thepoint Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/28/12 09:08 PM
Originally Posted By: netmaster
Mr B I am getting help. I don't know why 1 day I'm ok a week later I'm Angry again.

It's alot man! Watching your whole f#%^king life crumble in front of you


Yes it is Hamster! Yes it is!

So why stand around and watch it crumble? Start picking up the pieces by continuing the important work on yourself and your issues.

Stop obsessing on your sitch. Get your focus on something other than the sitch. Get into a routine as it relates to your kids, your job, your GAL. Set some things on the calendar to give yourself something to look forward to.

If you can't do this then you will find yourself digging the hole deeper and deeper. Or in your case, you will never find the end to the habitrail.

You can do this!
Posted By: labug Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/28/12 09:13 PM
Net, this board is about marital issues, it's not about medical or psychiatric issues. Yes, they sometimes come as a package but those things should be discussed with your health care professionals. Any advice you receive on this board about anything other than DB should be taken with a big grain of salt.

Everyone has "mood swings" and in and of themselves are not indicative of bipolar.

Take that with a grain of salt.
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/28/12 09:26 PM
Well I am coaching my sons Tball. That is gratifying and will keep me busy.
Still counseling twice a week.
Reading a new book.
Friend coming down sat for golf this weekend.
Applied for part time job cuz I'm going nuts with all this time
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/28/12 10:38 PM
Its just during the day that my mind goes crazy. I had a great day yesterday. Gone all day. Drafted T Ball team. Played cards.

This morning I put son on bus and notice on the calendar she is meeting with L tomorrow at 3.

It spun the hamster wheel
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/28/12 10:49 PM
Can I be honest too. I feel like this forum gives me false hope. There has been so many times I've said F((ck it Im done with her. Lets get a mediator and move on. I can't handle your god damn mood swings. You blaming me for the complete failure of the M. Sitting in limbo. Being threatened with D once a month. Threats of dating and all the other venom that has spewed out of her mouth. Even my counselor is like dude you can't go back to that. She aint' working on herself or marriage so y would you go back. Many times I've woken up saying im fn done.

Then I come here and I just feel like everyone on here says it aint over tils its over.

I know DB is about taking care of myself and detaching. I remember early on i think M1 said Detaching is the hardest part but most important.

Anyways the hamster is rambling again
Posted By: 2thepoint Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/29/12 12:10 AM
There is nothing wrong with being honest here. You have to do what is best for you. If you are done, then you are done. No one is going to blame you for that decision.

However, if you want to try to salvage your M and you need advice, guidance and support, then we're here to help as best we can.

When you post and we see you obsessing or losing control, we're going to try to steer you back on course. We're going to challenge some of your thinking and some of your actions.

But, only you can know when it is time to let go. The choice is yours to make. And you don't have to make it today.

Hang in there, if you are able.
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/29/12 12:52 PM
Thx 2thepoint. It just seems no matter what I do I can't win with W. If I am civil and friendly she pushes away. If I don't pursue she pushes away. If I do she does. If I set boundaries she gets pissed.

It appears to me her mind was made up a long time ago. She even tells my 6 yos when he asks about disney that you can probably go twice. once with me and once with dad.

Anyways i know my only choice is to detach. As of yesterday I am just being friendly and civil to wife. I am trying very hard to take the attitude what happens is what happens. I'm trying very hard to focus on the kids only. The codependency book really helps.

I know I'm not the 1st 38 year old with 2 young kids to possibly be divorced but I just didn't want it and it blows. yeah I'm angry at myself for letting my marriage reach this point. Lesson learned

Today is the 1st day I am going to try not to call her mil. It is a start. I want to try to go the entire weekend. It will be a challenge too because she meets with a L at 3 so I know I will have urges to snoop through MIL. I am going to try to beat it.

But someone said when you quit fighting (LA) it gets easier. It is so true. Somedays when I give up I do feel better.

Unfortunately for me my entire life of relationships was getting right into another one to get over that person. I hope I don't fall into that trap again
Posted By: labug Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/29/12 01:12 PM
It just seems no matter what I do I can't win with W. If I am civil and friendly she pushes away. If I don't pursue she pushes away. If I do she does. If I set boundaries she gets pissed.

You are railing against normal reactions. This what you should expect will happen. Don't let it throw you.

You stay on YOUR course, let her do whatever she does. You stay on YOUR course.

I know I'm not the 1st 38 year old with 2 young kids to possibly be divorced but I just didn't want it and it blows. yeah I'm angry at myself for letting my marriage reach this point. Lesson learned

Ever read any other threads on this board. It's full of people very like you.

Today is the 1st day I am going to try not to call her mil. It is a start. I want to try to go the entire weekend

Giving yourself permission to fail by trying? How about I will not call MIL today.

One step at a time, one day at a time. Little successes give you confidence.

Unfortunately for me my entire life of relationships was getting right into another one to get over that person. I hope I don't fall into that trap again

What? Do these devious women drug you and drag you into their lairs? You walk in with your eyes wide open, I would guess but you might not be clear on what you want from the R. Think about that and like Mach said: STOP playing the victim.

You have choices, failing to exercise those choices does not make you a victim of anyone but yourself.

Net, I think the hamster wheel may be slowing a bit. It is in your control.
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/29/12 02:08 PM
Net....

DB101....

What are YOUR short term goals ???

For you, nobody else...

What can you do today, that is just for you. Something that excites your soul....????

Stop looking at the big picture right now...

Stop letting your wife paint that picture for you....

Hit the "reboot" button on yourself, and stop letting her dictate the way you feel...

You are running on pure emotion, and you have get a grasp on that

Are you calling MIL from a cell phone ?

If you are, take her contact information out of your phone. That way, you have to dial the number, and you can think about why you are calling while you are dialing. What the reason is, and what purpose it will serve to do that.

IF that doesn't work, then have a friend drop a 16 ton anvil on your toe....that MIGHT do it....

Think about that list, post it here so that we can help you live it...
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/29/12 02:42 PM
M1.

She is asking for divorce right now via txt. She is asking to sell our current house and buy a smaller house right now.

I am not sure that stuff should be done without legal advice
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/29/12 02:52 PM
Time for that anvil......????



Shut the phone off and don't respond to her....

She is baiting you....

You don't have to do anything you are not ready to do, just because she wants it now...

When you have something worth responding to, then you can do so through the legal channels....

I would recommend that you seek a CONSULT with a lawyer, to see what your rights are though.

Pick the meanest SOB lawyer in three states, do a consult only.

He/She will be your Pit Bull that you unleash when the time comes. They attack when you tell them to, and not until then. Plus, if you consult...she can't use them.

Make sure you are documenting everything. Keep a journal of your interactions...You do this to protect yourself , and your time with your children....
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/29/12 04:20 PM
M1. I know you been here a real long time. But you don't understand man. My W wants a D. I'm telling you this. I KNOW my W. There is so much more to this story that I can't get into on here. But financially she will be all set from this D and she knows it. There will be ZERO financial struggle on her end after this. She can wipe my business out and my assets. SHe knows this and it makes the D so much easier on her end.

I didn't shut phone off but I said those choices are up to her and that is not the path I want to take. She said I will get a mediator. I didn't not reply.

I have 2 lawyers lined up. I am documenting all the kids stuff. All the visits etc.

I've consulted 2 lawyers after she threatened to take kids overnights away
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/29/12 04:56 PM
Originally Posted By: netmaster
M1. I know you been here a real long time. But you don't understand man.


Splain it to me then.....

What am I missing ????
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/29/12 05:23 PM
When my W makes up her mind about a D it is final. Kids or not. The Pope could tell her to change her mind and she will not. She did this to the first H. She also knows financially she will NEVER struggle making the choice even easier.

I didn't push divorce or mediation I just said those are your choices and left it alone.

But she has a reality check. She thinks the kids will be with her overnight all week and I will lose overnights. I will not let that happen. I am a VERY good father.
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/29/12 05:31 PM
Originally Posted By: netmaster
When my W makes up her mind about a D it is final. Kids or not. The Pope could tell her to change her mind and she will not. She did this to the first H. She also knows financially she will NEVER struggle making the choice even easier.




So that's the rest of the story. Nothing more to follow that might confuse me ???

Nothing else I should know that would cause me to be too old to help you ????

Nothing I can tell the Pope to change his mind about telling her ???


I just want to be sure that all of the cards are on the table now.....
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/29/12 05:39 PM
When my W makes up her mind about a D it is final. Kids or not. The Pope could tell her to change her mind and she will not. She did this to the first H. She also knows financially she will NEVER struggle making the choice even easier.

You must not believe this entirely. If you did believe this why would you keep posting? Turn off the phone...
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/29/12 06:02 PM
Yes M1. Besides the battle been 3 years. She is ok with d. Kids stuff not bothering her. She has a lawyer and getting a mediator.

Do u think it angers her when I tell her I respect her feelings or I say I respect how you're feeling right now

Lay into me m1
Posted By: ~ kd ~ Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/29/12 06:11 PM
NM... do you have special psychic abilities? Yes, I may appear to be rude saying this, but truly...

You do not...

And you do not know that your W is OK with D...

You are assuming... AND... you are believing what she is telling you...

You can believe she is telling you the truth...

But you do not know what she is really thinking...

You were in panic mode when you came here... and it appears you are in reactive mode, now... and it ain't pretty...

How has what you have been doing, so far, been working for you...? For achieving your goals...?

I would offer that perhaps it is time to change what you are doing, and how you are doing it, including your openness to what has been offered as help, suggestions, support here on this board...

Or...

Change your goals...

What were your goals, again...?
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/29/12 06:13 PM
I'm not gonna lay into you....

It's not why I am here. There is no perverse pleasure in watching you flail about.

I fully understand how you can feel as though nobody fully understands you. It is not their hurt that you are feeling, it is your hurt.

We aren't feeling your hurt either....so it seems....

Many of us have shoes that are very similar in size and color. We wore our shoes ahead of you, and while you may not see that in our words now....Our words then, were very similar.

If I could only get through to these people, they could see how much I hurt, how special I am....maybe I'm not explaining it enough, or fully....

Let me tweet this last tidbit that will help them understand me....oh crap...didn't work....


I'm not trying to poke fun at your hurt either....I'm simply trying to get you to see, that I have been where you are. Most of us have been at one point in time....



With that said....

Let me ask you something....and only yes or no answers, or telling me that Bigfoot sent you, to make me understand....


Your wife, has decided TWICE....to marry......Yes ????


So she IS capable of making a decision, and then changing her mind....

It's happened at least twice....
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/29/12 06:29 PM
Kd

Anxiety
Control
Anger

M1, yes
Posted By: Dory Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/29/12 06:32 PM
I need something bigger than a 2x4...

Originally Posted By: netmaster
She said I'm controlling and have trouble letting certain things go.


Netmaster I pulled this^^^ from your second post on this forum. From what I can tell, nearly everybody on this forum who is trying to help you has told you that you need to detach and quit obsessing about your sitch.

Do you not see the irony?

If you want to have any hope of R your M, then STOP!

Put yourself in your wife's shoes. She's told you specifically what it is you need to change, yet you're insisting on continuing this behaviour. Instead, you'd rather do it your way. Would you want to be married to someone who's controlling and obsessive? Would you want to be married to someone who keeps harrassing your mother? For Pete's sake, dude, become a man only a fool would leave!

The definition of insanity is repeating the same behaviour, expecting different results.

How is any of this benefiting you? There's got to be something, otherwise you would stop doing it. What is it that you're afraid of happening if you were to let go of your desire to control?

Originally Posted By: netmaster
But financially she will be all set from this D and she knows it...She can wipe my business out and my assets. SHe knows this and it makes the D so much easier on her end.


Is this REALLY the type of person you think your W is?

I want you to really think long and hard about it. There is a world of difference between reacting and responding. I'd prefer if you'd respond to this question, rather than react.

Netmaster, I'm sorry for hauling out the 2x4 but you really need to hear that it is you who's just not getting it. I wish you luck and do hope that you can R your M, but you need to do the work necessary to make that happen.
Posted By: Dory Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/29/12 06:41 PM
Originally Posted By: Mach1
It is not their hurt that you are feeling, it is your hurt.

We aren't feeling your hurt either....so it seems....

Many of us have shoes that are very similar in size and color. We wore our shoes ahead of you, and while you may not see that in our words now....Our words then, were very similar.

If I could only get through to these people, they could see how much I hurt, how special I am....maybe I'm not explaining it enough, or fully....

Let me tweet this last tidbit that will help them understand me....oh crap...didn't work....


I'm not trying to poke fun at your hurt either....I'm simply trying to get you to see, that I have been where you are. Most of us have been at one point in time....



I wanted to say that Mach1 has a very good point here...

Although I believe that pain is a universal experience, no one of us feels any more or less pain than another when feeling the rejection form our S. The only difference is how we choose to deal with the pain...
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/29/12 06:44 PM
Originally Posted By: netmaster

M1, yes



So she is capable then.....

She hasn't talked to the Pope, or Bigfoot....

Made those decisions on her own....???




Net...

The rest of this, is YOU mindreading the future...

You are projecting onto her, what you are feeling.

You are trying to control the situation, and failing....

The anxiety is you losing your grip on YOUR dreams, and not being able to do anything about it...

That loss of control, keeps you locked away in your nice little victim cave...Where you can predict the future, and control the outcome through negative thinking....

You can avoid doing anything to actually help yourself, and let your mind deliver you to the land of "what ifs"...where unicorns dance with elves...



Straight up ????

Your BEST chance at saving your marriage, is to save yourself first.

To overcome all of this bullschidt that you allow yourself to go through....

To stop finding a reason to fail yourself...


Slow down, stop letting her define who you are, and really do the work....

One more time now....

You ignored me, and I'm not sure those goals KD asked you about were beneficial...

What are YOUR goals ????
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/29/12 08:33 PM
Dory. Thx. I understand what you're saying and I understand my w not wanting this behavior. She told me today she wants out because she just can't live with me.

My goals there were 9 of them and they all revolved around anger, control, anxiety.

I am working on my goals but does not happen in 5 weeks. I'm going to counseling twice a week. He is helping me rewrite myself but it takes times. Ive recently made amends with my sister and old girlfriend which we had fallouts due to abuse/anger . This took alot of courage on my part.

I am still doing Gal stuff. Golf and cards.

Im reading a book on codependency right now.

Question . When she brings up D or Mediation or selling house how to I handle those questions
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/29/12 08:42 PM
I also feel it angers her I won't just accept divorce.
Posted By: MrBond Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/29/12 08:48 PM
"I also feel it angers her I won't just accept divorce."

Who cares? After all, it angers you that she accepts divorce.

Follow Mach's advice and stop trying to guess what your W's doing. Have her wonder what YOU're doing.
Posted By: ~ kd ~ Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/29/12 09:07 PM
Originally Posted By: netmaster
Kd

Anxiety
Control
Anger


Let me offer an alternative...

Rather than having your goal be trying to get rid of the above negative aspects of yourself...

How about having your gaol be behaving in the opposite, positive aspects of yourself than the above...

ie. calmness, tolerance, pleasure/happiness might be the focus...

IOW, continuing to think about yourself with negative traits, start thinking about yourself with better, positive traits...

And also, those traits, (both your original, and) the new ones, are vague...

HOW and in what situations would you be:

Calm
Tolerant
Pleasant/Happy

Instead of focusing on what to move away from (which hasn't been working for you, in the same way as focusing on detaching and moving away from your W hasn't been working for you), focus on moving TOWARDS those positive things...

Think about and focus on moving forward with your life rather than away from your W... You may not want to... it really, really seems that you don't want to let go of your pain... in the same token... if you have ever lost someone close to you to death... there is the option to get stuck in the pain of the loss and not move forward...

or...

you can remember the good times, knowing that that person is no longer going to be with you, and you take positive steps for yourself to begin your journey...

as 25 says...

FROM THIS DAY, FORWARD...
Posted By: Dory Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/29/12 09:11 PM
Originally Posted By: netmaster

I am working on my goals but does not happen in 5 weeks. I'm going to counseling twice a week. He is helping me rewrite myself but it takes times. Ive recently made amends with my sister and old girlfriend which we had fallouts due to abuse/anger . This took alot of courage on my part.


I'm confused. Is your counselling focusing on your past issues right now? Or am I misunderstanding something?

Quote:
Question . When she brings up D or Mediation or selling house how to I handle those questions


Tell her calmly and matter of factly, that you need some time to gather your thoughts about it. Then give her a timeframe (a couple of days, two weeks, whatever amount of time) that's reasonable that you think you'll need to be ready to discuss this.
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/29/12 11:29 PM
Thx on road will respond in more detail.
Mr. B my w could give 2 sh*ts what I do. Dude she begged me to date other women.

Dori my counselor is working on my deep rooted childhood issues which he believes will help me with my current anxiety. My control and anxiety are tied to these abusive childhood upbringings.

So your saying act as if she is gone and move on and work on me and if she decides to come around then good if not ok

Kd thx will digest and respond.

I just have trouble with the lawyer and mediation txt and what to say.
She seems to have this whole thing mapped out
Posted By: Sad in WI Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/30/12 03:07 AM
Net,

I feel for you and I think we all really do. I thought I was making progress with my W and today when she comes home she is Zombie W. A complete 180 from what she has been acting.

Was I dissapointed, yes I was. But I continue with my 180's and act like nothing she is doing will bother me. Have a big smile on my face when she is around.

I avoided her today as best I can. Maybe you should try a different approach.

SIW
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/30/12 03:52 AM
Sad but your at home I am not . Little interaction and my wife begs me for a divorce every. 3 weeks
Posted By: MrBond Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/30/12 08:16 AM
"Mr. B my w could give 2 sh*ts what I do."

That's fine. You should be doing the same.

"Dude she begged me to date other women."

So do almost every other WAS. It alleviates their guilt. Again, I echo what everyone else is telling you. What do YOU want? How do you want to live YOUR life if she's not around? You're still so W focussed you're losing you.

Your anger is fixated on her. Release that and you'll find your anxiety going.
Posted By: hopeless in wa Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/30/12 09:28 AM
I just spent hours reading all of your posts. I'm new at this myself. I'm no vet, and they are really skilled and wise, but from my viewpoint, I think you are doing a good job. Just my 2 cents. You seem to be working hard at a most difficult task.
Posted By: labug Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/30/12 12:40 PM
Net, how're things today?

I think if might be helpful for you to read some other threads on here. Broaden your World of the LBS view. Get some tips, maybe.
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/30/12 12:46 PM
Hi LA. Going to counseling in a few minutes. My W txt me that she had a bad night with the kids. Sick etc. I asked her what I could do to help and left it at that.

I have a friend coming in this weekend to keep me busy.

My weekend goal is not to call my MIL once. I know I can do it.

I'm going to dig around and see what I can find on here.

I'm trying to not focus on my sit or W going forward. If I get served I get served.

It is not easy but I think her getting a L and wanting a mediator just helped me let her go
Posted By: labug Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/30/12 12:48 PM
You stay on your course, no matter what she does.
Posted By: Dory Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/30/12 02:31 PM
Originally Posted By: netmaster


Dori my counselor is working on my deep rooted childhood issues which he believes will help me with my current anxiety. My control and anxiety are tied to these abusive childhood upbringings.


Sorry netmaster, I didn't realize that this was your current focus in therapy. Your levels of anxiety are much more understandable to me now. Of course, you are the best person to determine this, but do you think that now is the best time to be resurrecting childhood traumas? Trauma work is intense and unsettling enough as it is, I'm just not sure if doing this sort of work while in the midst of a marital crisis is doing you more harm than good right now.

This is just my opinion and you are the expert on you and what you can handle. That being said, I think you could benefit far better from getting your anxiety under control and regain your footing with your current sitch before tackling anything from your past. I really think you would find CBT an enormous help. CBT is based on scientific fact that our thoughts dictate our feelings, so we can change our feelings by changing our thoughts. For this very reason, I don't know that doing any trauma work at this time is helping you in the here and now. Of course, there is a time and place for it and it's absolutely imperative that you process your past and reach a point of acceptance and forgiveness - but doing so is going to fuel anyone's anxiety in even the best of circumstances.

CBT will help you define your maladaptive thinking patterns and teach you ways to redirect yourself to a healthier thought process.

If you're interested, there's an infinite number of free CBT programs online. One that I've found to be the most straightforward is from Australia (I think) called the mood gym. Google Moodgym, it's the first to come up.




Originally Posted By: netmaster
So your saying act as if she is gone and move on and work on me and if she decides to come around then good if not ok


Yes.

Originally Posted By: netmaster
I just have trouble with the lawyer and mediation txt and what to say.
She seems to have this whole thing mapped out


The lawyer, mediation & divorce - leave it for her to arrange & deal with. If she wants it so bad, let her handle it. Don't respond to those texts. Do you hear me? DNR.

Regarding selling the house, assets, etc. - Take the time you need to figure out what it is you want to do and how to handle it and then go from there. Do not rush yourself & think it through. Keep in mind what your ultimate goals are. In my own sitch, our house is currently on the market. I'm not exactly thrilled with the idea of selling our home and moving, however, with the goal in mind of R my M, I realize that I really need to choose my battles carefully and in the grand scheme of things, it's just a house, it's just a building.
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/30/12 04:06 PM
Thx Dori. CBT isnt for me. Chi Gong and erasing childhood memories is helping me less codependant and making me understand I do NOT need my W for my happiness. If she wants to leave me then so be it. I am going to work on me. I will not call MIL. I will stay focused on me and my kids going forward. My counselor is amazing and we are making progress. Remember I'm only a few weeks in. But I feel like I am at a better place then I was a month ago.

I do have trouble with the D and M threats but I had some dialogue yesterday that went better. I didn't agree to them just let her knew I respected her feelings and that in the end those are her choices.

I'll report back over the weekend. I'm going to have a good weekend MIL free with friends.
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/31/12 04:24 AM
I did it. Stayed busy all day. No call to MIL. 3 hours of counseling today. Bought a book on Chi and positive energy. Very cool stuff.

Stayed busy. Started to get my business back up and running. Played 9 holes. Played cards. Went out with some friends.

Coaching sons baseball team tomorrow and had civil conversation with W on phone.

Stop fighting and the anxiety flows away.
Posted By: labug Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/31/12 01:06 PM
Good job, Net! Success breeds success.
Posted By: Rick1963 Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/31/12 01:26 PM
Wow that is great net. That is how to do it
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/31/12 02:22 PM
Yah. Quit fighting and things get easier . Had a weak moment today but fought it off.

Wife sick her weekend she asked me to take kids to fair. I said yes. Not bitter.

Maybe she'll come around maybe not. But I'm doing my thing.

My son did tell me mom said we all going to Disney one day which I thought was odd
Posted By: Dory Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/31/12 03:29 PM
Originally Posted By: netmaster
Yah. Quit fighting and things get easier . Had a weak moment today but fought it off.


That's great, netmaster! Keep fighting off those week moments & you'll find they'll only get further and further apart until one day...Poof! They're gone.

I'm rooting for you!
Posted By: Dory Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/31/12 03:31 PM
ugh, won't let me edit. Must remember to proofread. That's weak, not week. wink
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/31/12 07:51 PM
Ok here is just what happened and I'm having extreme guilt.

It's her weekend. I picked some up for baseball this am. She was SICK. Flu. So she had planned to take the kids to a fair today. She asked if I could take them so they wouldn't miss it. I said sure no problem. Got to spend a few hours with kids on her day..

Here is the guilt part.. I came home just now and she is really sick. Worse. She says what are your plans later. I said a friend is coming down from the city to play guitar with me. She was asking for my help and I had to say no. Well I didn't say no I just said "we are just playing guitar let me know if things get out of hand"

I feel terrible. No matter how bad she sh*ts on me I still feel bad in this moment. I have extreme guilt. But then part of me is like wait this is the life you wanted. I feel like I am getting pulled in 9 different directions emotionally right now.

Such a good day with kids and helping her but not being available tonight to help sort of bothering me. Even though I know once she feels better she will be back to treat "net" like sh*t W.

Why do I feel guilty right now. I think I did the right thing saying i have plans. Which I do. My friend has been sitting at my house since 1 pm waiting for me because I helped withe the fair.

ughh. I still staying strong but I feel guilt
Posted By: Dory Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/31/12 08:16 PM
Originally Posted By: netmaster


She says what are your plans later.


Originally Posted By: netmaster
She was asking for my help


No she wasn't. She was trying to manipulate you to get you to offer. It's a common codependent dynamic. Don't think for one second she doesn't have you figured out and was trying to bait you into rescuing her. Let her do the work. If she needs help, she's a big girl and can ask for it.


Feel better now, netmaster?
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/31/12 08:23 PM
So I answered it right? Said I do have plans. If I'm around and you need me reach out. I didn't rescue her and I gave her a break all morning.

I'm jamming on the guitar right now as I type this with a long time friend.

I shouldn't call and check up on her right. Others chime in if I handled myself right.
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/31/12 10:16 PM
Also someone comment about my W telling my six year old we will all goto Disney together. I think that answer to his question is wrong in so many ways
Posted By: ~ kd ~ Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 03/31/12 10:36 PM
don't focus on the disney comment, NM...

You don't know the context of the conversation and it could just as easily been your W trying to soften things (white lie) to S rather than saying, "dad and I are going to D and unlikely to go to disneyland together"...

There is also the possibility she might even concede to go to disneyland with you and S just so that it is not uncomfortable for your S...

but... it's possible it has NOTHING to do with you and her possible intentions to R or more to do with not having to be in an uncomfortable convo with your S...

On the sick, you did the right thing as others have said...

Look, she has left the M... so in THAT world, you would not be around... if you were dead she would be sick and have to figure it out...

If she wants to play the blame game that you weren't there for her... if others want to agree with her...

put your chin up...

she is not being your friend...

she has left the M...

she wants nothing from you...

she can ask you if she needs it...

if she wants YOU to be her friend, she will show it by being your friend... otherwise, would you rescue a stranger...? a neighbor next door that you don't really know...?

What if she was sick and you didn't know...?

It's possible you'd STILL be blamed, somehow...
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 04/01/12 02:07 AM
FYI I would rescue a stranger
Posted By: labug Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 04/01/12 03:43 AM
I would to, Net, if I could.

I think helping out with illness is up to you as long as you do it with no expectations that it will change your situation. Her illness does impact your children.
Posted By: ~ kd ~ Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 04/01/12 10:02 AM
Originally Posted By: netmaster
FYI I would rescue a stranger


Are you really saying that you would notice that a stranger who was sick, who had people around to support them with their children...

you would still go to the stranger and say that you will take care of them by taking their children off their hands until they get better...?

Really...?

Or maybe more realistically, someone whom you knew, whom you understood really didn't have anything to do with you... who appears to really not appreciate you for whom you are... maybe does not even like you... who is treating you poorly... a co-worker, perhaps... who you knew was sick, away from work, and had kids... and you would go there after work and offer to take their kids off their hands while they got better...??

Really?
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 04/01/12 12:43 PM
Kd. I see your point now! It worked out last night. Add this to the mix. Our first dog together is dying. She txt me last night. I don't know if u ever had a dog but it's part of family. Sad
Posted By: ~ kd ~ Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 04/01/12 03:52 PM
That sux, NM. We've had a number of members here who have had to go through the traumas of loosing pets and even family members during their time here.

One of the things that worked for those members was simply "being there" for the other spouse and kids... not stepping and saving, but being there as a shoulder in the event it is asked for...

And good. I understood what you meant, I would help a stranger as well... it was in the context that I thought may have been misunderstood...

you'll get there, you are getting there... it just takes time and practice... and then things will get better...
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 04/01/12 03:57 PM
She asked for help today and I had to say maybe later on cuz I had plans. (golfing ) did not tell her that.

I have guilt and feel it will anger her but I truly have plans to keep me busy on my non kid weekend
Posted By: Shaky Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 04/01/12 05:19 PM
Net,

Don't help her. You will stay in limbo forever. Tell yourself the more you save her the longer this will drag out.

My advice is read (No more mister nice guy). Let her wear the big girl panties and deal with life.

Shaky
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 04/01/12 07:29 PM
Yeah I haven't been. It's her weekend . I took kids to fair but tgst was for kids only
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 04/01/12 10:08 PM
Can I ask a question. I know I'm not remotely close but what are signs your W is trying to reconcile with you
Posted By: 2chiquitos Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 04/01/12 10:33 PM
That's a great question!! Is there a reason why you're asking?? Do you see any signs??

Hope you're doing well today smile
Posted By: ~ kd ~ Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 04/02/12 01:33 AM
NM.

IMHO, there is only one sign that you will be looking for...

When the WAS states directly to the LBS, "I would like to save our M"... (or something VERY similar)...

Of all that I have read on this board and elsewhere... WAS will not say that unless and until they actually mean it...

otherwise, they avoid that conversation or they will say things like they are willing to go to counselling, but they don't think it will help, or similar avoidance...
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 04/02/12 03:35 AM
Thx KD.

Interesting weekend. Her weekend remember. I am sort of proud of myself a little.

Friday W starts to get sick. Flu and cold from kids being sick.

Saturday. I pick son up for T-Ball. I return him after. She asks me to take kids to fair. I agree (for kids sake only). I return them. She says "what are you upto later" her fishing for help. I said I have a friend coming in to play guitar with me. I didn't offer help or give her help. She txt me late Sat night (10ish) about dog's health turning for the bad.

Sunday. I check in late morning right before my T time on dog. She hints for me to come over by saying "you can come entertain these kids if you want" I said maybe later in afternoon I'm out and about" Did not tell her what I was doing. She practically invites me over to eat dinner with her around 630 pm. I accept the invite and help her with kids. But did not help her Fri, Sat, and Sunday until almost 7 pm. Heck what a deal. No kids all weekend. acoustic guitar jam, night out for drinks, round of golf and top the weekend off with home cooking :-)

Here is some comedy. MIL calls me. She missed talking to me LOL. I stop pursuing her and I get pursued. She needs help with something in her house. She also told me my W talked to one of her good friends that told her how bad D sucked and that her two kids have been in therapy for over a year now. W attitude slightly changed toward me this weekend ironically. This is why I asked about signs to look for about R.

Get this. I don't want to move home right now. Not without some serious changes on both ends.

That is all for tonight.Thx all
Posted By: 2thepoint Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 04/02/12 04:20 AM
Hamster - forget about any thoughts of reconciling for now. Continue to pull back from your W and your MIL. You are getting terrific clues to how successful that can be. Pull back with a genuine smile on your face and you will see how much better you feel and if there is anything left in your W's heart, she will start to reach out.
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 04/02/12 12:44 PM
Part 7 here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2234842&#Post2234842

hope to be downgraded from Hamster to maybe gerbil soon
Posted By: labug Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 - 04/02/12 02:27 PM
LOL, I like that you've kept your sense of humor.

How fast is the wheel spinning today?
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