Me: 42 H: 44
M: 17 1/2 T: 19 1/2
S: 14
D: 10
D: 8
Dog: 16-17 (very old & H's responsibility, lives w/ me)
1st Bomb (I need some space to think): 2/3/12
2nd Bomb (ILYBNILWY): 2/11/12
Moved Out: 2/12/12
OK, so this is my first post but I've been lurking for several weeks. I have really found lots of comfort from so many of your stories, thank you.
I guess I should start with my title - it's what I've told the kids we're doing. I asked them if you saw a tidal wave coming what are your choices - they said to run or drown. I said you could do that, but you could also swim through the wave. So, the wave is just like our problems, either let them push you down and drown you, run away from them, or work through them. We're going to work through them.
My story appears to be typical with just a few twists, like everyone. I believe my H started going through a MLC at some point 5 (ish) years ago, a few months before he turned 40. He probably would have been done with his MLC if it had not been for his mother's death about 6 months later (after having suffered with Parkinson's for 15-20 years). He had just started to come out of his mourning about 2 years later, we both had mentioned it. Within 2 months of that, his father had been admitted to the hospital and we were receiving multiple phone calls per night about how they revived him several times. We live 3-4 hours away, so I booked a flight the first morning for him to go up and be by his dad's side. He spent the next 6 months taking care of his parents' house (including paying bills and general upkeep). He stayed at my parents' house, at my insistance so that I knew my mom would make sure he was eating and he wouldn't be all alone. The kids and I travelled up there as many weekends and school vacations that we could. And he would come home as often as he could. Unfortunately, his dad died about 5 months later (this July will be the 2 year anniversary). His parents' house has been on the market for over 18 months, so we've been paying the bills on it for almost the last year. (Close to 20K at this point.)
I mention these events because I don't think he's had time to process all that he's gone through. H has 2 older brothers who both live fairly close to where my in-laws lived. Neither brother has significantly helped out with the estate, they leave all the responsibilities to my H. In fact, the middle brother (who'll be 49 this summer) can barely take care of himself, so my H has stepped in to help him as well. H has said that he is an orphan and all alone, I have reassured him that he is not alone, that he has me and his children. However, those discussions are long gone, now replaced with the new theme of I am the worst wife & mother and have cause him misery over the entire time we've been together. I also don't support him, he's never loved me, I tricked him into marrying me, and I pressured him to get engaged, plus a whole bunch of other things that I find to be either minor issues or complete craziness. (One example is I don't bring him iced tea when he's mowing the lawn. I have when he's asked, but I'm supposed to be a mind reader, too.)
Anyhow, he has his own apartment and I've heard many rumors about OW - eventhough he completely denies it and says that this is all my fault, H has done nothing to get us where we are. I feel like I'm in this awful nightmare and just keep waiting to wake up. I am on AD, see an IC, am taking sleeping pills (I was getting less than 3 hours sleep a night), and have an attorney. Did I mention, I don't want this?? I think our problems are a matter of perspective and after 17 years of marriage, 3 kids, dog, parents dying, work issues, me being a SAHM, etc., etc., etc. - I think it just would be a matter of tweaking to correct what's wrong and then be happy again.
Now I'm being accused of stealing money from our joint account and spending like crazy. He's NUTS!! I know that I didn't leave the house for the month of February (except trying to get the kids to their activities). So I know that my expenses have been quite small. March is a different story, but I know I haven't been going hog-wild either. I've been buying groceries, taking my kids to their activities, and buying things that he's taken for his apartment without telling me they're gone (for instance, I have no iron, ironing board or tools). But you should see his beautiful apartment with new couch, huge TV, Blueray, etc., etc., etc.
OK, I guess I should stop typing now or no one will ever read this. I just would like to add that I have been reading DB & DR and have been trying to remember that time is on my side, but things seem to be progressing very quickly. We haven't even been separated for 2 months yet and he is pushing to be divorced. Any words of wisdom?
Welcome to the board.
DIVORCE = SPACE
He is asking for SPACE, give it to him.
Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what he say and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
I hear you. My h. of 17 years is gone too. He's been friendly about it. But we are getting into the final stages of property settlement. So we will see how that goes. Come here often, and you will find alot of help and comfort. These people will become your friends, believe me!
Thanks so much Cadet & Hopeless for the posts.
We haven't even been separated for 2 months and he is pushing for legal mediation (he's trying to save money). I am feeling like time is not on my side, but keep trying to stay positive.
I have accomplished some mini-goals when we interact:
1) Always look good
2) Stop crying in front of him (3 times so far)
3) Stop arguing with him (2 times so far)
4) Disappear when he visits the kids (once)
5) Act as if we're having a pleasant conversation (once)
Would love to be able to GAL, but H isn't seeing our kids regularly (only about 6 hours a week and not regular days). I feel funny about leaving my kids right now, they seem more fragile as time goes on and I become more aware of their pain instead of my own. Also, I'm a SAHM and have 3 very active kids - we are usually running every night of the week with different afterschool activities. However, I am trying to plan fun things to do with the kids that are low cost or no cost since I've been essentially cut off financially.
I'm just not sure what path I am to take at this point. I'm reading DR but I think my situation is dire since I really do believe H is in a full-blown MLC and seems to be on the divorce express train. I just don't know if he'll ever come out of this fog and I do not know if I want to be married to this "new" person.
Does anyone have any ideas how to speed along their spouse's MLC and bring them back to reality - ie that they are almost 45, married and a parent?
I would like to add that being on moderation is stinky!! It's taking FOREVER to get any of my posts to show up!
WHOA - my posts are finally showing up!! HOORAY!!
Thanks for your post on my thread. So tired tonite, in the middle of intense financial crap, seeing a new lawyer tommorrow.I really want to read your thread and see where you are. Looks like you are new to this too, Will look for you. Take care, I feel this place is saving my sanity. You get to feel the love.
Would love to be able to GAL, but H isn't seeing our kids regularly (only about 6 hours a week and not regular days). I feel funny about leaving my kids right now, they seem more fragile as time goes on and I become more aware of their pain instead of my own. Also, I'm a SAHM and have 3 very active kids - we are usually running every night of the week with different afterschool activities. However, I am trying to plan fun things to do with the kids that are low cost or no cost since I've been essentially cut off financially.
Why is this?
Do you have a L? A separation agreement? He may leave you but the children are still a shared responsibility. Don't think that by shortchanging your children he will come back. It is a good thing to protect yourself and your children. There are consequences to his choices and while it's not up to you to mete those out, it's also not your place to protect him from them.
I'm just not sure what path I am to take at this point. I'm reading DR but I think my situation is dire since I really do believe H is in a full-blown MLC and seems to be on the divorce express train. I just don't know if he'll ever come out of this fog and I do not know if I want to be married to this "new" person.
Does anyone have any ideas how to speed along their spouse's MLC and bring them back to reality - ie that they are almost 45, married and a parent?
There is no way to speed up anyone making changes, except for yourself. He will do what he will do.
What is your course going to be?
Who do you want to be?
How can you protect yourself and the children?
Thanks for your post, Hopeless.
I think I'm trying to avoid the financial crap, which isn't helping my psyche right now.
H came over last night (for less than 2 hours) to see the kids. However, he spent less than 10 minutes with 2 of them and the rest of the time w/ 1 of them.
He seemed in a fairly good mood and was willing to give me more money than I asked him for (groceries, tutor, karate, etc.). It really throws me when he's nice to me. I had to leave and run over to my friend's house so I could get away from this insanity that he's bringing to my life.
I am hoping that if I continue to DB and read the boards that I will gain more sanity and strength.
Thanks so much!
Thanks for your post LAbug. I've been thinking (and reflecting) about what you wrote. (I haven't been able to figure out how to just copy a section of a post, but eventually I know I'll be able to - sorry about that.)
I have a L, but no separation agreement. H is paying everything for the house & the kids, if I provide receipts (which is fair). Up until last night, I thought he was being more strict, but his position seems to have softened a bit, so I feel a little better about my immediate financial position. My L has instructed that if I am still standing for my marriage, as long as the finances are "fair" I shouldn't fight legally yet.
H has truly not been a co-parent for a long while. H has distanced himself from the regular goings-on of life here and that is partly my fault. However, that has been the easiest part of this process for me - I am no longer responsible for his relationships with his children, since I was "fired" as his wife and partner. Today I gave him news about S14 & D8, both of whom have been sick since he chose to leave. S14 has had his 4th sinus infection (only been off antibiotic for 2 weeks) & D8 can't kick a UTI (she's on her 3rd dose of antibiotic). D8 is now scheduled to see a pediatric surgeon since the pediatrician doesn't believe her UTI is viral based, but anatomical. E-mailed H and his response was "Geez sorry to hear bout the health stuff." REALLY?!!!
H is just too busy (so he says) for visiting the kids. H has taken the kids 1 night and has called them 1 time (I timed it, 5 minutes total to speak with all 3 kids and then quizzed them about what Mommy was doing). There has only been one weekend where I said the kids had plans and the one time he took them overnight, I asked him to show up a little later because my dad had come over for dinner. It makes it hard on my kids because they know he's not doing what he's promised to them. How do I get H to understand that he's hurting my kids when I've already told him in many different ways? H just doesn't seem to care about any of his repercussions.
The worst part about the kids, and I'm sure all LBS's have to deal with this in some way with their kids, the kids don't want to show my H their true feelings. The first lesson they learned from this experience is that if things are difficult or not perfect, daddy leaves. So, they act absolutely perfect and try to be as happy as they can so he'll stick around. My D8 can't take the pressure, she's been having awful nightmares and extremem temper tantrums (totally unlike her). D10 cries all the time. S14's grades are dropping drastically. (Not to mention their failing health.)
Not sure what my course is going to be.
I know I want to continue to be a good parent (some days that's easier than others) and I want to do my best to engage each of my kids on their level every day.
I'm trying hard to do 180's with my H by being less available to him and a bit mysterious along with doing my best to be nice (even when I don't feel like it). I am trying to detach, but it doesn't seem to be going smoothly - I feel a bit obsessed with this situation and how to fix it. As I see it, there are some easy fixes to be made and viola - a new, happy and loving relationship would emerge!
Legally, I'm trying not to make any more sudden moves. (After a fight 2 weeks ago I charged $10K to our credit cards for my attorney's retainer. Which was the straw that broke the camel's back about the finances.) My L knows I do NOT want a divorce and has been guiding me well so far. I like my L, and do really trust him with my best interests (along with my kids).
OMG - this is super long! I hope I was able to address your questions. I think as time goes on, I will definitely learn more about myself and what I want. For now, I just want the man I married to return to me. This new rendition of H is just waaaaaaay too self-absorbed.
Thanks for your post and your insights!
Thanks for your post LAbug. I've been thinking (and reflecting) about what you wrote. (I haven't been able to figure out how to just copy a section of a post, but eventually I know I'll be able to - sorry about that.)
I have a L, but no separation agreement. H is paying everything for the house & the kids, if I provide receipts (which is fair). Up until last night, I thought he was being more strict, but his position seems to have softened a bit, so I feel a little better about my immediate financial position. My L has instructed that if I am still standing for my marriage, as long as the finances are "fair" I shouldn't fight legally yet.
I don't know much about the legalities and what might be "fair" but this seems to take care of necessities but nothing for having a life. Is that how you feel? I don't think he should be paying for exotic vacations but it seems miserly.
H has truly not been a co-parent for a long while. H has distanced himself from the regular goings-on of life here and that is partly my fault.
How is that your fault?
However, that has been the easiest part of this process for me - I am no longer responsible for his relationships with his children, since I was "fired" as his wife and partner.
Good thinking because you aren't now and really never were responsible for those relationships. However we do like to guide and steer and smooth out, don't we?
Today I gave him news about S14 & D8, both of whom have been sick since he chose to leave. S14 has had his 4th sinus infection (only been off antibiotic for 2 weeks) & D8 can't kick a UTI (she's on her 3rd dose of antibiotic). D8 is now scheduled to see a pediatric surgeon since the pediatrician doesn't believe her UTI is viral based, but anatomical. E-mailed H and his response was "Geez sorry to hear bout the health stuff." REALLY?!!!
Nice. I'd keep the emails and a journal of his time with the kids.When he's supposed to have them how many hours he has them, etc. This will allow your attorney to see what's really happening.
Not sure what my course is going to be.
Do you want to be a strong, confident woman and mother? How does that look to you and how would you get there?
I know I want to continue to be a good parent (some days that's easier than others) and I want to do my best to engage each of my kids on their level every day.
Engaging with the kids is important, even if it's just for a few minutes of special time. Be happy to see them, even if you're tired or cranky or pissed. That someone is happy to see them is so important to kids and really, to anyone.
I'm trying hard to do 180's with my H by being less available to him and a bit mysterious along with doing my best to be nice (even when I don't feel like it). I am trying to detach, but it doesn't seem to be going smoothly - I feel a bit obsessed with this situation and how to fix it. As I see it, there are some easy fixes to be made and viola - a new, happy and loving relationship would emerge!
We're all obsessed in the beginning and many of us here are fixers. You can't fix this because you didn't break it. You might have contributed but you didn't do it single-handedly. Remember that! There are many things he could have done but chose not to.
Work on you, stop trying to fix anything, you have enough on your plate as it is. And you can only control you. Do something nice for yourself everyday.
Welcome to the crazy train!! I've almost been promoted to conductor!
There is no easy fix... except to fix yourself. Take the focus off of H and the negativity and put the focus on the positives of you and the kids.
Easier said than done, I do know that.
Here are some ideas I found useful...
Parks are free. Get on the swings with the kids. Bring a ball and play soccer with them (Plus the exercise and laughter does wonders for your soul)
Do you have concerts in the park in your area? We do and they are free, check out your county or cities website and see. We pack blankets, fruit and drinks and went and danced to the music and had a great time.
Pop popcorn, make a tent and watch movies from RedBox for a dollar!! (we have a projector so we project them onto the side of the house at night)
Go to the mall, and people watch as you window shop. Make up stories about the people you see and what they are buying! It's great fun and it builds your children's creativity in the process (the teacher in me comes out every now and again.)
Have pancakes and bacon for dinner
uh.... have a ton more, but i'm in the midst of a job application for a new position so my brain is a bit fried.
Nemo,
Sorry you're finding yourself here, but welcome. Come often, write, read other people's threads. There is a lot of good advice.
If you haven't read the 37 rules yet, I hope someone will post them soon.
The most important thing for you to focus on now is yourself and your kids. Be the best mom you can be. Your H's relationship with the kids, as hard as it is to watch, is not yours to fix. He is responsible for that. Talk to your kids. Let them know how much you love them, give them attention, never bad mouth your H in front of your kids, and do remind them that their dad loves them, even if he's not showing it, and that it has nothing to do with them.
I don't know if it is possible at all, but try to find time just for you.
As it's been said already, there is no quick fix for this. Time and patience are key.
i'm sorry you find yourself here.. but you're in good company.
my kids are quite a bit younger but essentially.. we all struggle w/ similar things. you've been given some really good advice. i can't reiterate enough that you can only control your own choices. if you're a fixer like me.. this can be so very difficult!
as for the finances.. it seems a bit demeaning to you to have to provide receipts. have you thought about a separation agreement and at least ensure your financial security as well as the children's? you are the primary caregiver and are entitled to financial support. unless you have agreed otherwise.
it's true.. you are not responsible for H's relationship with the kids. and i know it is so incredibly heartbreaking to see them in pain. but anything you say to H may be seen as manipulating or guilt tripping. that was the same way w/ my H. S5 would ask these questions and never mention it to H. now.. months later.. he has started asking H "why don't you live here anymore?".. and saying "i want you to stay here!". also getting noticeably upset. i think those words directly from S has been way more powerful than anything i could have said or done.
and GAL!! sometimes hard w/ kids. but.. maybe there's a new hobby you want to take up? youtube has some great tutorials. play around w/ makeup and get a new look? (i tried a smokey eye and ended up looking like a raccoon).
hang in there! sorry.. my post may be all over the place. i type.. tend to the kids.. continue my thought later.. get interrupted again.. sigh. lol!
Labug,
Agreed, the financial situation is a bit miserly. He likes to be in control, and as he is so angry, I'm willing to give in to him about this for now. I do think he's loosening up on his stance on the finances. We'll see...
H's parenting skills started to fall by the way-side awhile ago. He was dealing with so much, for so long, I thought the least I could do is take my responsibilities as the SAHM very seriously and give my kids one really attentive parent while H dealt with the loss of both his parents(and other responsibilities). I feel like I could have and should have included him back and made more of an effort to do more family activities together.
Agreed about their relationships. I have been known to inform all parties different information to smooth out the relationships. lol
I've been keeping all texts (which has been a pain to print them, can only do a few a day), e-mails and a log of his visits and phone call to the kids. I actually hide these when he comes to visit, just in case! I had hopes that he would be visiting and talking to his kids more once he saw his attorney. That lasted all of 2 days.
You're right, I do want to be a strong and confident woman. I hope I am working towards that, but I do need to really visualize what that means. Back to the drawing board on that one!
I've been having a much easier time with the kids. A friend of mine actually commented this week about how peaceful my house was. And you know what, it is peaceful here! And cleaner, too! I'm guessing my H was really loud and piggy and I didn't really notice it til now!! lol The 4 of us have tried to get a good schedule down, and we're really getting the hang of it, I think. I think I've been able to create a sense of consistency (or getting there), which is what we all need at this time of upheaval. And it helps that their mother isn't crying all the time and moping around!
I've really got to work trying not to fix him and remember what you wrote "You can't fix this because you didn't break it. You might have contributed but you didn't do it single-handedly." I think I'm going to put that on my bathroom mirror!!
Today was a good day, I don't feel as obsessive. I still worry about H (as he is really blowing up his life), but I know that I'll be ok. And, if I'm ok, my kids will be too.
Thanks so much, I really appreciate your post - it really has made me think as well as given me some much needed support and words of wisdom!!
Sox,
Thanks so much for your post - I love your ideas!!
Breakfast for dinner is definitely one of our favorites!
I will be definitely using some of your ideas over the next few days and looking into more of them. So glad the weather is warming up and can get these kids out and about!
Thanks again!!
Thanks NH, I really appreciate your post!
At the 4 week mark, something happened to me. It was really quite astonishing. I started to feel the Hurt Wife disappear, and the Angry (and more in control) Mommy take over. The Hurt Wife comes out every once in awhile, but Mommy is mostly in control now. And the kids know it. We're all doing much better now. I'm trying to set a schedule for everything so that the children all know what's going on. I'm trying to be very consistent. And I have to admit, the house seems a lot more at peace since H isn't living here. (It was a gradual transition.)
Looking forward to spending a fun day coloring eggs tomorrow and trying something new for me! Thanks!!
Nemo, you are doing really good at the 4 week mark. Wow, I was still a mess. Keeping the focus on you and your kids, smart. I feel like I've gone thru the stages of grief. Denial, bargaining, anger, even some acceptance, but I seem to flow back and forth. Peaceful house, sounds nice. Mine is way to peaceful, home alone. Your lucky you have kids at home. They are fun!
BF your post about the raccoon had me spit my water out! lol
Yup, I'm a fixer. After reading so many posts, is there a woman on these boards who isn't a fixer? I wonder if there is a fix for that? lol
Our finances are a bit murky right now. I'm willing to give a little on them at this point since H is so very controlling, esp about money. I realize that I've probably got to make some legal moves soon, I just worry what that will mean for my DB efforts. Also, my L has a pretty good picture of what's going on financially with us, so I'm trying not to borrow tomorrow's problems today. Also, H seemed to ease up a bit yesterday. Don't know if he's being kinder because he sees what he's missing, or (more likely) he wants something from me. I can wait it out a couple more days to find out. Hoping I'm more patient then H is.
This is still so new for my kids. None of them want to talk to him about anything for real. Plus, he's not really spending a large amount of time with them for the kids to feel like they can open up to H. Really hoping this changes soon, for all their benefits.
Thanks for your post. It helps so much to know that I'm not alone in this awful situation!
Awww, thanks Hopeless. It does help to have the kids here and know that I've got to make efforts to make things as normal as possible for their sakes.
As I'm nearing the 8 week mark, I am hoping that I can make some more strides in my GAL, since I severely need a life! lol
btw - still a mess, cried for 40 minutes while listening to the car radio yesterday.
Here's a question slightly off-topic...
How long does the LBS weight loss diet last? Over these 2 months, I've lost 23lbs. I have a 25th high school reunion this summer, and if I could lose another 20lbs. by then, I'd be kinda happy!
Did I mention, getting up is now my favorite time of the day? Jumping on the scale is a lot more fun when you're losing weight!!
I understand the lawyer and dbing. Well you are still doing good for 8 weeks! I can't even listen to music at all.
silly love songs!
I completely agree about the love songs, but the more I listen to the words it seems to me they're all break up songs. What does that say about me?!
Nemo,
I recommend the book "This Is Not The Story You Think It Is" by Laura Munson. Her H was going through a MLC, and she ended up writing a book about it. It's a very easy read and may give you a few good laughs (sure hard to come by these days, huh?).
Thanks NH, I will have to pick that up - sounds like something I would totally appreciate right about now!
I don't know about anyone else, but I've noticed I'm developing a bit of a sick sense of humor. For instance, my H isn't telling people that he's left me (or even that we're separated). So, I figured this year's Christmas cards I'll have a picture of me & the kids, and then another picture of H and OW in a compromising position with the caption "Merry Christmas from all of us!" Gives me a chuckle when I think about it.
(((nemo)))
That is funny and hopefully it helps to find the humor. I do the same thing. I hope to have more of those days than sad.
nemo.. lol! my 20th HS reunion coming up this summer and it would be nice to lose a couple more pounds as well!
sorry.. just want to clarify.. has OW been confirmed? i know you mentioned rumours in your original post..
you seem like a very strong woman.
I can't say that she's been confirmed as H vehemently denies her existence. However, he invited one of our neighbors to meet his "new friend" about a month ago, the neighbor didn't go as he believes my H is being stupid and should just work on our M. Of course, the neighbor didn't tell me, he told his wife, his wife told another neighbor, who told me. Is there a chance that there isn't a OW, sure, but her existence or non-existence doesn't really matter in the long run.
Like everyone, some days I feel stronger than others, today and yesterday seemed like good days. Wednesday, not so much. But, as moms we have those little (or not so little) faces looking to us to guide them, hard not to be strong for them.
And if I can't laugh at my new-found sick humor, than I should just pack it all in!! lol
Nemo, I've been at this almost 3 months. Lost about 20. Seems to have plateaued. boo.
I think I might have plateaued, too. I'd lost 23lbs, then gained 2 back. I don't think it's a bad sign, it's probably a good sign that I'm eating a little again.
But, would love to lose some more. Thinking any more weight I lose is a good thing, but 23lbs. over less than 2 months is not overly healthy. Adding "real" exercise next week and we'll see what happens!
BEWARE VENT TO FOLLOW:
UGH!! H is on the phone now after giving me a lecture about how he can't answer the cellphone at work (he leaves it in his car), which is fine. But D10 wanted to talk to him, so I let her call him. She wants him to come to the movies with us tonight. Why can't he just be their daddy?!
She got off the phone and thought he was coming with us, you should have seen how happy she was. When I asked her "did you tell him which theater", she said no. I said "did he really say he was coming?" Made her call him back. Of course he's not coming, has to know what my exact plans are though. And then to see her little sad face when the conversation ended. He gave her a reason that he was just leaving work and was too busy, but she said he sounded annoyed that she'd called back. What a dope he is!
Hear ya on the exercise. I seem to be spending to much time sitting while on the laptop. It will probably help my mental outlook.
ahhh.. exercise.. lol. yes.. that is a good GAL.
i'm sad to hear about your D. it's so irritating to see how the WAS can do that to the kids. but what can you do? focus on your time with them and ensure that they know how much you love them (which is what i believe you are already doing!)
did you tell H what your exact plans were? funny how he needs to know what you're up to but doesn't extend you the same courtesy. i am great at the art of being vague..
what movie are you going to see?
Hi Finding Nemo - just wanted to say hi and tell you I'm following your sitch and sympathizing. I have kids about the same ages as yours, except the little one. My boys are 14 and just-turned-12. I've been at this since last June.
I spent a lot of time and emotion at first agonizing over how a man could do this to his kids. But in the end the relationship he feels a need to end is with you, and the kids are along for the ride. If you're the best Finding that you can be, and you look inward and use this experience to your benefit, you'll know you did everything that you could to help your kids. They'll learn from your strength, and from seeing how you respond to life's setbacks. They'll benefit from your therapy if you get good therapy, they'll benefit from your increased ability to see the other side and respond without reacting. Certain things we all learn here after awhile, that make us better people, better parents, and better partners for the future.
I haven't had a lot of time on the boards lately, but just wanted to pop in and say hi.
Thanks HIW, BF & Ad! I promise to respond better when I'm not so furious.
Having a rough day already. H showed up over an hour late (40 minutes late in his mind) to pick up the kids. H mentioned to me how he was going to pick up some small Easter baskets for the kids. (I said fine, just remember some of our kids still believe in the Easter Bunny and don't overdo.) Well you should see these baskets - they're huge, filled with candy, toys & money. AAAAAAH!! Now he's talking about how he'll be back with the kids in about 3 hours. He will have spent total 5 hours with his kids this week!!! (And seemed incredulous when I called him on it!) What an arse! Someone please remind me why I ever married such a JERK and what the heck I'm doing trying to revive any kind of relationship with him!!
Oh, and I did forget to mention that I asked H if he could take his dog (a nearly 17 year old Golden Retriever mix) to the emergency vet today. She has a hard time swallowing and is making an awful noise. H didn't even look at the dog until I said something, then commented she's just whining. I corrected him and said nope, she can't breathe. H is too busy tonight to help his dog, but will try to come by tomorrow to take her. So, Tonight, while I'm doing Easter Bunny duty, I will have to find time to carry his dog to the ER so they can bill me to tell me that she's old and should have been put down anytime over the last 3 years - exactly what I said to H over the last 3 years. When will I ever wake up from this nightmare of my H's making?!
OK, stepping away from the computer and when I come back I will feel better! Thanks for letting me vent.
Music is tricky isn't it??
2 things I've learned.
1) Love songs are about the future, not about what was lost. Listen to them as a hope of what can be, will be, and what you want. The tears will stop.
2) Download the "other songs" to your phone/iPod/CD and title it along the lines of "pick me up", "need a laugh", "screw you"....
the other songs being
Cheater cheater by Joey and Rory
King of anything by Sara Bareilles
It's my life, by Bon Jovi
50 ways to leave your lover, by paul simon
Bye, Bye by Joe Dee Messina
better man, better off, Tracy Lawerence
didn't know my own strength, Lorrie MOrgan
F.O.D. by Green day (one of my favorites once you know what F.O. D stands for)
Hit the road Jack by Ray Charles
I'm MOving on by Rascal Flatts
Better things to do, Terri Clark
Believe in Love, by cher
How do you like me now, Tobi Keith
Since you've been gone, Kelly Clarkson
Stronger, Britney Spears
Strong enough, cher
You're so vain, Carly Simon
Gonna get a life, Mark Chestnutt
Mr. Know it all, Kelly Clarkson
there are a lot more, but you get the idea!! I tend to go for the faster paced, upbeat tempo ones
When you feel like crap, blare it on the speakers and dance around the house, sing out loud while driving...
it's good for the soul.
Oh, and then change H's ring tone to one of the songs.
(H's is King of Anything)
Puts a smile on my face every time he calls, and I can sound chipper instead dread when answering.
Thanks for the music suggestions, Sox. I'm definitely going to change his ringtone (not that he ever calls). I'm searching for a really good song at this point. (Cheater Cheater is topping the list at this moment.) And I think you're right about blaring some music around the house, too. Will be doing that from now on. I forget that music is definitely a mood elevator.
HIW - I really am planning on going to the gym on Tuesday after I get the kids off to school. Just not sure if I'm supposed to look super cute or not. lol
BF - I think how he's behaving towards the kids is the worst part of this sitch. It just makes me so angry that he thinks that his make-believe word is more important than our children. I so look forward to the day when he either wakes up from his MLC fog (if that's even what it is) or Kharma gets him.
We saw "Mirror Mirror" last night. The kids and I enjoyed it. I had hoped it would be a bit better, but it was entertaining and we all had fun.
Thanks Adinva, I'm most definitely struggling today. Is there a point where this gets any easier? Today I noticed (and now I wished I hadn't said anything) that he wasn't wearing his wedding ring. He said that he hadn't been wearing it for awhile now. I thought I saw it last weekend, but have purposefully not looked for it knowing that it would cause me pain. Why can't he just be upfront with me instead of the constant flood of lies, half-truths, and keeping the truth from me?!
Hoping to get a decent night's sleep and wake up with a new perspective in the morning.
Thanks so much to everyone for your words of encouragement, there are so very appreciated especially on a day like today.
Hi - you asked if there's a point where this gets easier. For me, yes. You can't rush it, you just have to really open yourself to your new reality and live in the moment. For me it got easier when I realized what I could DO, because I needed to DO something, and what I could NOT do. I could:
- accept that my situation was what it was, the truth was out, and it had been what it was before, when I was kidding myself that my miserable marriage was tolerable, when I was denying the fact that we weren't happy together. Nothing about my sitch changed the day the bomb dropped, really, except that I knew what I was dealing with now. I knew the truth and wasn't in the dark anymore.
- accept the big picture of my sitch and stop agonizing over each detail of it. My H does not want to be married to me anymore, that's the big picture. Within that I could get upset about whether there's an OW, where his ring is, why he acted like a jerk on a particular day, ad infinitum. Or I could accept that those are all part of the bigger problem that H doesn't want to be married to me.
- realized I can't make him do or feel anything. I can't rationalize this, I can't argue it, I can't manipulate it or make it end quicker (unless I want a D quicker). He feels what he feels, and has a right to feel it as crazy as that seems to you. Let go of your outrage over what he does and feels and do your very best to make the best out of what you're handed each day.
- most important, I felt better when I had a mission. I took this crappy opportunity to look within with a very critical eye and find out how I contributed to this, and why, and how I could become better from it. I learned about passive aggressiveness, I learned I bury my needs so deep that I don't even know I have them, I learned why I purposely seemed to instigate arguments with him, lots of things I don't think are attractive and good qualities, and I'm working on them with an IC and really feeling good about that. My motivation to improve myself ebbs and flows but when I'm working on that I feel my most powerful and optimistic.
- I felt better when I saw my sitch in perspective with so many others here. I knew better what to expect and how to handle it. The freight train is on...it sux but there it is. Or, like you told your kids, the tidal wave is here and you're choosing to swim.
BTW I think that was a really great way to explain it to your kids. My H and I have been hiding the sitch from our kids and I expect we will continue to until the year-long separation requirement in our state is over. When H decides his next step, if it's to move out we'll have to explain it to the kids.
You sound like you're very grounded and are doing right by your kids. It will probably help if you stop bean counting your H's actions because that is keeping you feeling bad. Accept that you don't know everything and keep your focus solidly on yourself, doing the best with what you're handed. It's not fair. What I tell myself is that for whatever reason, I got a plateful of crap but I'm strong enough to deal with it and my H currently isn't. So I'm dealing with it and not worrying about whether it's fair.
If you celebrate Easter, Happy Easter! I hope the day gives you some comfort.
Hello finding nemo,
I just wanted to drop in and offer a belated welcome to the board.
This jumped out at me from one your posts:
She writes "you have to think of 'fighting for your marriage' in a different way." I agree with that, except that I am not "fighting", I have decided to stand for my marraige. Fighting makes me feel like my H and I are on opposite sides, one of us is right, one of us is wrong. Standing for my marriage makes me feel like I am standing up for what I believe no matter what happens. I know it's just one word, but that word changed my perspective.
I applaud your position in this. I, too, have made that pardigm shift. I've been standing for almost 14 months now. Hang in there. It really does get better. It's still a roller coaster at times but the hills aren't as big anymore.
Hang in there!
Thanks so much Adinva & Jbnati.
I had a rough weekend, I guess it had lots to do with first real family holiday since bomb drop, noticing H isn't wearing his wedding ring, the ridiculous Easter baskets that H got the kids, remembering all the wonderful memories that H and I had created over the last 19 Easters and then the venom filled e-mails from H this morning. I feel like I've had a major backslide, not w/ H, but with myself - which feels pretty awful.
So, the Hurt Wife is back in full-force and I guess the Angry Mommy is waiting in the wings to gather her strength again.
Will post more later after I get the kids squared away. As always, thanks so much to all of you for your continued support and words of wisdom, they are so comforting during this awful time.
Hi fn,
Right there with you. Easter is tough.
Our H's seem to find it that way too - otherwise why would they be acting like such d--ks?
Anyway, you seem already to be aware of the problem of taking your anger out on the kids.
This is something that I have to be more proactive about - so big points to you for being so self-aware.
I guess I should qualify who Angry Mommy is, she's the only person (in my now dysfunctional self) who can get angry at H for what he's doing. She's angry for her kids that their H is acting like such an arse and not giving them the attention or support they need during this upheaval. Hurt Wife just wallows in self pity and tears.
I am sure I've yelled at and been angry with my kids over these 14 years, but have really tried over these 2 months to keep my anger in check when it comes to the kids. Not saying I haven't messed up, but I actually find my house to be a bit more peaceful tidy now that H doesn't live here.
Gosh, I really sound scizophrenic now!
HIW - I'm going to go work out tomorrow morning for the first time in awhile. Come join me!!
Oh yes. Angry mommy. I don't see her as much these days but she sometimes makes an appearance when I'm driving to work late at night. Haven't seen much of hurt wife either. Lol
today.. I am commander bf.. Woman extrodinaire that only a fool would leave.
Hi BF!
I've been trying to be vague and elusive and trying not to care if H notices or not. I guess only time will tell.
The sitch with the kids is really where my anger at H comes out and I am really trying hard to get control over it. I just can't believe how far removed he is from his children that he's not all that worried that our D8 will potentially need one procedure where she's under general anestheia, and then another procedure where she'll be having surgery. Not to mention the well-being of 3 children. Did I mention the 3 children are his? UGH!!
btw- Did your H agree to the 6 follow up meetings after your weekend? Have been keeping you in my prayers for a very successful Retrouvaille.
Hoping a regular exercise regiment will improve my mood!
BF - When does Commander come in? Gosh, I could really use her!!
Hi Advina!
Thank you so much for your very thoughtful post. I have read it and re-read it many times.
-I know I am struggling with so much right now. And I do believe you are correct, I have been bean counting and getting upset about how unfair this all is. I will try to not be so critical of H when he spends time with the kids. I am sure that was one of my issues in our marriage, I was critical.
-I have to keep in mind that nothing really has changed except for knowing more of the truth than previously. I hate that he continues to lie to me and to everyone (including himself, to some degree). When I really think about it rationally, that speaks more about him than about me.
-I am hoping to get to a point where every detail doesn't bother me, so that is something I plan to work on w/ IC. Glad our first real family holiday without H is behind us now. Yesterday was really hard. Feeling stronger as today has gone on. (Swollen eyes aren't attractive though.)
-I am still trying to rationalize this situation (Hurt Wife). I can't figure out why H doesn't see that we are married and marriage isn't always easy, you have to work at it. Also still trying to understand why I can't fix this. I have a LONG way to go on this. Clearly will be talking to IC about this, too.
-I am still working on my daily mission. I think if I could get these kids healthier, life would be a bit easier. I really hope that D8's health issues are more mild in nature than I am believing them to be. That would certainly help. Also hoping that the warmer weather will help get these kids to a place of good health for a change! But for now, my daily missions have consisted of calling doctors, specialists, running to different pharmacies, etc. I would like to concentrate on something other than H or kids' poor health. (Gosh, that last one made me feel a bit guilty.)
-Still trying to swim and drag the kids along with me (poor kids). I saw that someone on these boards was writing herself little empowering notes and keeping them in her pocket. I think I may have to try that too!
-I also feel like I've been dealt a pile of crap and it makes me angry (as I'm sure it does everyone). I think that anger is probably paralyzing me at this point and I expect my higher power to fix this. And why hasn't my higher power fixed this yet. And how much longer until my higher power fixes this, etc, etc, etc. Perhaps yesterday's tears will help me realize that this has nothing to do with God and that I need to do what I can for me and my kids. I also think I am paralyzed with trying to understand what happened. H's spew and venom still don't make a lot of sense to me as the real reason for leaving our family. Maybe that's why I'm stuck.
WOW, this has really turned into major notes for my next IC visit!
Thanks so much Adinva, your post really has me thinking and focusing on what needs to be done. Clearly I needed this!
Easter was hard, but I had my parents, brothers, & SIL (along with my kids & niece & nephew) to help me get through the day. So hard - yes, support and comfort from my family - yes!
I'm working on getting caught up on your sitch, but what I've read so far sounds so much like what's happening over here. It seems so odd to me that marriage and the promises made become so unimportant to the WAS's. I really wonder how they got that way.
Thanks so much for your very kind words about how I'm parenting, that is the one thing I am trying to concentrate on. I know that you will come up with something brilliant to say to your boys when you need to, I just wish you didn't have to.
PS - Sorry for the very long post!
WARNING, VENT to follow
So not doing OK- just received another text from H. Why can he not just leave me alone?!!! He e-mails and texts plenty of times a day. When we were "happily" married he didn't text/e-mail this much! And his venom is just too much, along with claims that I'm keeping his children from him, that I'm spending all his money, that we should get a mediator, etc. - it's all about what he wants and how he wants to control everything. All I ever write back is politeness and ignore his ugliness and lies. I just want him to leave me alone.
His e-mails/texts are never emergencies, just his way of communicating with me now (along with trying to control everything). It feels like he's emassing these to give to his attorney and say, "look, she's not disputing". I am trying so hard to not engage in his crap, it's just so difficult when he just outright lies. Aaaaaah!!
Nemo, you really do have a lot on your plate! Whew. It's horrible when kids are sick. My daughter now 35,had some issues when she was a teenager. Autoimmune stuff. It all turned out ok, but made her a little, sometimes alot of a hypochondriac. She still stuggles with stress. But she does live in NYC. I don't know how she does it Nice place to visit... she lived 4 blocks from the towers when they fell. Had to walk across the Brooklyn Bridge to friends. That whole experience wrecked her for years. She's doing much better no! Just can never stop worrying about them.
Sorry your h. is so filled with venom.
HIW, I'm originally from NY (Long Island, specifically). Lost some wonderful friends that day. We had moved just to MD and were in temporary housing, and 9/11 was the 1st time my H travelled with his new company. Took hours to finally find him. What an awful day.
I can't even imagine living 4 blocks away. That was such a great area. Is she still living there?
Hi Nemo. It's awful to hear venom from your H, I know. Reading other stories on here you'll see that a lot of WASs do that. If they can demonize you it makes them feel like leaving you is not only ok but necessary. It's part of the script. Just the fact that there is a script helped me not take it so personally. It still hurts, but it's not so much about you as it is about him.
Take him off guard by not taking the bait. Validate his feelings rather than arguing his details.
Here's the good news, Nemo, there are good days and bad days and really sucky days.
The secret to success is: Get up every day, keep the focus on you, keep doing the next right thing and eventually, the good days outweigh the bad days and the sucky days are very few and far between.
Great advice from labug, I completely agree. Eventually the good will outweigh the bad which will help you when dealing with the bad ones. You will have the strength to get through them.
((Nemo))
Thanks so much Adinva, LAbug, & AL for your advice and support.
I am most definitely feeling stronger today. There are just 2 things I wish I had more control over - 1) the amount of times he e-mails/texts me a day, it's just too much and usually ugly and 2) that I didn't have to hear anymore about all of his antics both current and the past.
I'd planned to do some GAL today (kids went back to school today after their break), but D8 is home today. She's got a bit of a stomach ache, probably from her new antibiotics. UGH! Hopefully all kids will be in school tomorrow.
My GAL for tomorrow is a fun one, I know you'll all be jealous - getting bloodwork drawn. I know, can you stand how exciting I am?! lol
Gosh, I really don't know what I'd do without this outlet. Thank you all so much for your advice and support, the only thing better would be really getting together with all of you and giving you all a big hug! xoxo
I'm glad you are feeling a little better today. After your bloodwork, can you take yourself out for some coffee or something else you may enjoy? You need to treat yourself well, and the kids going back to school is a great time for that.
(((hugs)))
Nemo, she actually moved to Astoria, Queens. She also worked right down there. After it happened her office faced the site. She quit that job, couldn't deal with seeing it everyday.
I wish I had an answer for nasty emails and texts. Too bad you can't put a ringtone on them so you knew it was him and just ignore.
You can ignore the emails unless they have something to do with the kids.
It's hard to do but your peace of mind is so worth it.
Interesting developement this evening...
After weeks of no phone calls, H calls me tonight on his way "home" (to his apartment). H was very nice and really chatty and didn't ask to speak with the kids, talked to me for 25 minutes.
Asked how my Easter was. He volunteered to make his visitation with the kids more scheduled so that I could make plans. I thanked him for being considerate. Then I mentioned that next week was a difficult week schedule-wise for the kids. He said he'd do what he could to help drive them at least one day. I told him I'd look over the week and let him know which were my worst days and if he could help, that would be great.
All-in-all I feel like it was a pleasant conversation. I tried to be pleasant and not pursue, and I felt like I accomplished both of those tasks. He did remind me of my "old" H, not the alien abducted one.
However, this call made me miss him all over again and have expectations. Gosh, I hate that!!
I hear you nemo. Whenever I see my h. which has been a handful of times is hard. I don't get expectations, but just miss him. He's always very pleasant.
LAbug,
I think that's what happened tonight, I believe H sent 5 e-mails and a text today, and I didn't write back to any of them. (I didn't even open most of them.)
When H called, I told him how D8 was home sick today and I spent the majority of the day with my Lysol bottle. We also talked about the D8's upcoming visit w/ a pediatric surgeon and not wanting S14 to go white water rafting next month if he still continues to get sick every 2 weeks.
I had cut down to 1 e-mail a day a couple of weeks ago, now I think I will cut back to 0 e-mails a day, unless really necessary (about the kids). So I am feeling a bit more empowered after his call. Never imagined I'd feel like this and how good it feels!!!
HIW,
Mine is seldom pleasant, usually wants something if he is nice (or that's how H makes me feel).
Right now I'm trying to temper my feelings, because I am worried that I have expectations instead of just being proud of my interaction w/ H.
But, I do miss the "old" H - the one I actually met and married. Is it wrong to wish that this one gets struck by lightning so my wonderful H comes back?
Hi Autumn!
I think I'm going to treat myself to lunch or something after the bloodwork is done. Thanks for putting the thought in my head!!
HIW,
A friend of mine actually interviewed at the WTC about 3-6 months before 9-11. She said it was really eery to feel the building actually rock with the wind (and she said it wasn't all that windy on that day). That feeling actually convinced her to take a different job, and boy is she glad she did!
I can't even imagine having to look at the site everyday. I remember when we would drive to LI, it was so odd to not see the Towers anymore, and the smoke just smouldered for weeks. So glad she moved to Astoria!
Glad for your friend. We were scheduled to fly in on Sept. 12 for a visit. Obviously postponed and went in October. We walked around the site. So sad and the smell is what I really remember, like electrical fire. Horrible. Striking lightning, why not?
HOORAY!! D8 seems to have bounced back this morning and is her regular cheerful self!!
So, I get to go to my vampire appointment this morning - rats!
HIW - I really love chatting with you! Thanks!
So glad that your D is feeling better this morning. I hope you do get a chance to take yourself to lunch after your appt
Make it a great day!
I had cut down to 1 e-mail a day a couple of weeks ago, now I think I will cut back to 0 e-mails a day, unless really necessary (about the kids).
If that means you were sending one email a day, I would agree. If he wants to know about their daily activities he can ask. It's certainly not your job to keep him informed.
I think we do that initially because it's a carry-over fromt eh marriage days and it keeps us us connected. Really it's pursuit. Be the one in charge of your emotions here and stop the emails. Allow his relationship with his children to be his responsibility.
Hope you have a great day!
glad your D is feeling better! it's stressful having sick kids! you just want to snuggle and keep them safe!
i agree w/ La.. limit the emails. i a guilty of slipping over to pursuing territory in the guise of discussing little things about the kids. sometimes that balance is hard to find!
so.. did you go for lunch???
Nemo, nice chatting with you too! Feel like I some real friends here. Glad you feeling better today. About the emails, it's hard not to look and see who it is. You do have a life besides him, but then you get a zing from him several times a day. It is a pickle.
I had planned my blood letting for Wednesday and then a nice lunch. As I was about to walk out the door, got a call from the school nurse - S14 is sick and I need to come get him. Rats!
So, I saw my doctor today (to adjust my AD's) and he forced me to get my bloodwork done. Blech!
However, last night I had a really good night. My neighbor called me to practice doing make-up, then she got me dressed all "hot". H came over to visit with the kids. I had planned to go to the library to get away. On my way out of the neighborhood, I spotted my neighbor again and she suggested we go grab a glass of wine while H was at the house. Sat at the bar, and actually met a really nice guy, my age, divorced and no kids. Now I'm not saying it was a love connection, but it was so nice to have someone pay me some attention. Kinda put a little spring in my step.
Then back to reality, 2 e-mails yesterday and 3 more so far today from H, no responses yet from me. One of them was particularly yucky - H wants us to go to mediation and is complaining about how expenses are really high. Not really my problem, I'm doing pretty well money-wise (right now) maybe he should adjust his spending! Guess I'm contacting my attorney again about this latest set of demands.
i love that you practiced doing make-up and then went and had a drink while looking "hot"! that's an awesome GAL. maybe i will brave it and try the smokey eye again. apparently the trick is to.. blend! blend! blend!
how is S14?
was that a racoon? Nemo, good for you! Counteract all that negative stuff. Just keep looking out for yourself. Don't ya just love the attorney stuff? not.