Sure was a nice rocking chair.. - DivorceBusting.com

Previous: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2233280&page=15

So here we are, still........

Mnky,

I have just caught up on reading your posts. I feel for you bro and can relate in part to how you've contributed to your M woes over the years without knowing what you've done. My W and I have no kids either and I have made many mistakes in our M.

But I totally agree with LAbug that you can let yourself only take half the blame. We all bring our own crap to the M and your W doesn't sound like she has been prepared to take her share of the responsibility for what went wrong. It is likely so much easier for her to just blame you.

Hang in there, I can see from your threads that a ton of people here care about you and are along for the ride with you.

I just wanted you to know that while I don't know your demons that you brought to your M before I still think I get where your coming from. Hope that makes sense.

Q1

It does make sense, Thanks.

Still feel like crap this morning. In many ways I feel I am back to week one and its killing me. All I can do at this point is visit my lawyer and get my war face on. Last thing I wanted to do.I honestly thought there was a pretty good chance this was not going to happen. Her relative silence over the past several weeks was not reflection, but rather planning and filing. Feel like a total shmuck for pouring my heart out and sharing my feelings over the past weeks. Again, there are two sides to the story and I know I hurt her over the past year, however, I do not think she understands how much I was hurting too. At one point I actually discussed leaving my wife with work colleagues during this past summer. Its been a long strange road that is nearing its end. I wish she knew how much I was hurt too and how much I still care about her.

(this probably isn't the best time to say this, but I need to put it out there) I hear you keep replaying your past actions and wishing you wouldn't have done certai things- don't drive yourself crazy with these thoughts, it only causes mo...re heartache

We all need to focus on the here-and-now and how to make the best choices that give us the best options for our futures.
I have become emotionally invested in all of y'all- I truly care about your well being and happiness.... Only want the best for you

^^^smart friend told me this today. I keep beating myself up and that was good in helping me figure out my role in the demise of my M. It was also helpful in addressing the things I disliked about myself. What will be will be no matter what...

Much more angry at myself than I am at my wife.

You sure have got some smart friends!

Mnky, I'm so sorry you're at this phase of the roller coaster- the falling straight down into the ground feeling like you may fall out of the car....

All you can do is throw your hands up in the air, scream of you want and pray that you get to an upswing soon.

(((((())))))

Your W is a fool. THis is her loss.

Trust me I know how it feels to lose your best friend and your partner but you deserve better -- someone that will hang around for the long haul.

Doesnt mean I think its over with your W just means as she is now why do you want her??

Dont be angry at yourself. You didnt not cause this

She has no reason to trust me right now. I understand where she is coming from honestly. No matter what I so or do, she cannot see into my heart and appreciate the man I have become and continue to become. I appreciate the kind words of support. This D will happen. Not sure if it's the final chapter in our story though.

Originally Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky

This D will happen. Not sure if it's the final chapter in our story though.

You get to write the chapters and decide how the story will turn out.
Right now the part that you can not control is TIME.

So make it your friend rather than your enemy.

Because none of this will happen on your schedule.

Let her GO.
If she never comes back then she was never yours to begin with.

You need to go PITCH BLACK DARK.

"Let her GO.
If she never comes back then she was never yours to begin with.
You need to go PITCH BLACK DARK. [/quote]

I have and I will. Thanks.

Road trip!!

You, road trip. If it worked in Animal House it will work for us! Let's steal Flounder's big brothers car and hit the road.

Ray...you didn't do anything to deserve what Beth is doing. These awful things just happened to the both of you, and most of them were born out of childhood trauma, not failures as human beings and partners.

You are in a place that is noble - facing the truth, owning your actions and were you are, inproving yourself, helping all of us, being a great friend, helping hundreds of others in your occupation.

You're one of the most honest people I know. Don't think otherwise just because of some very minor choices borne out of inhuman pain.

Rick, is gay marriage legal in MA? ..just saying

You rock, bro!! thanks

June it is. Vegas baby!!

Ray...you didn't do anything to deserve what Beth is doing.

As much as I like to hear this, its not entirely true. She has one shot at life and being happy just like me. It was my decision at the time to make the poor choices that I did. I can take ownnership of that. I also have made the decision to be sad and full of sorrow at this point in my life. That is my choice and she is no longer part of this process. I must make the choice to be happy, confident, and true to my changes to be a better man for good. I'm working on making this choice. This cannot be until I entirely let her go. The time has come to live for me.

Still sVcks though..lol.

I wish you only good things!

What happens in Vegas...

I think you and Rick would make a cute couple

Elvis could do the honors!

Rick is right: you are taking this with as much honor and dignity that anyone could muster.... You have been brutally honest with yourself through this whole process, you can hold your head high knowing that you left it all on the table- you gave it all you have. Hopefully one day, she will look back and realize that she didn't do all she could to really *see* you.

Mnky, you have a wonderful heart.

Rickb have u decided on a new name yet? Hey I could adjurn the June court dste because I have an emergency trip? Wada ya think? I can say my peeps needs me to carry some old heavy canoe?

Sound's good. no divorce cuz ya gotta go to Vegas!

Thanks y'all.

i'll bring my camera. you want to borrow my wedding dress?? really have no use for it anymore. lol.

I'll bring my dress too!! Barely- maybe we can wear them once more and get pity drinks for being left at the alter!! What else are you supposed to do with a $2000 dress that was only worn once?! Not like you can 'dress it down' for a night out....

Rick1963- just tell them you have a canoe emergency in Vegas!! I'm sure your W will understand

RickG - I'm good at namimg people I love, but not good at naming myself.

As for Vegas, I'm ready. I can feel the tribal blood in me start to wake up, ready to go!

Gmonk - as for Beth I meant that I can't understand how any WAS can make this choice. I get that it's their life and that they have a right to make their own choices and have their own perceptions of the M. I'm not fighting that.

What I will never understand is the choice. THis is the moment where any of our M's could leap into a greater level than ever before. Because it's broken it can be rebuilt, and if it hadn't been broken it could not have been rebuilt.

Why wouldn't the choice be to be open about every issue, decide to find answers and let go of the verbal traps that kept us talking in circles, accept the past pain which strengthens you both, get help, take time. I don't get it. Instead, the answer is to ruin everyone's hearts permanently, to leave that legacy for each for the rest of us in this life and beyond.

That's why I question how she can do that. I'm not saying one is a saint and the other is a demon.

That's why I think we're told over and over to do all the things DB'ing recommends because it's only us we can rebuild once the other has bailed. If there is ever some R on some horizon it is not going to be your spouse coming back to what was once there, they would only come back to something new. If we don't move forward we don't live. no M will come together again. It's a forced evacuation of our entire past.

We were on the titanic no matter what deck we were on when the iceberg hit. That ship was going down, but we are lucky enough to find another ship. Maybe it's too early to know what kind of ship you have been rescued by but its one you can steer yourself.

Originally Posted By: rickb89

That's why I think we're told over and over to do all the things DB'ing recommends because it's only us we can rebuild once the other has bailed. If there is ever some R on some horizon it is not going to be your spouse coming back to what was once there, they would only come back to something new. If we don't move forward we don't live. no M will come together again. It's a forced evacuation of our entire past.

We were on the titanic no matter what deck we were on when the iceberg hit. That ship was going down, but we are lucky enough to find another ship. Maybe it's too early to know what kind of ship you have been rescued by but its one you can steer yourself.

Hey Rick B

you are so right about what you said about WAS's. Great advice is always hard to accept, because it hurts.

They are looking for something new outside the M, because it's new, it's exciting, it's different. However, if they just blame the LBS for the failure of their M and don't deal with their own issues, it will be they who are lonely, no matter who they are with, because their heart will always be on the run from themselves.

Rick, you speedo-wearing philosopher, you.

Great post, now if I giv eyou H's # could you call and give him that message?

Love ya

Wow Rick, that is so fantastic!! Thank you for that!

Good one rick! more later got to work now.

Thanks Bugsy love you too

Rick, that was your best yet my friend.

What I will never understand is the choice. THis is the moment where any of our M's could leap into a greater level than ever before. Because it's broken it can be rebuilt, and if it hadn't been broken it could not have been rebuilt.

I struggle with this too. To you and I this makes perfect sense. THe old way stunk because of poor comunication, secrets, and lies (from me too). That was all before the bomb. That huge catalyst that ushered in weeks of reflection and change. I can say without any hesitation that I not ready for a reconciliation with my W for the first several weeks. I was hurt, she was hurt. I dated in a vain attempt to regain my ego and replace waht I thought I had lost. I did this all the while professing to love and miss my W. I did miss her, but for the wrong reasons. Now here I am. I'm not the same dude I was three months ago, though there is a long way to go on my journey still. It is tragic that our W's will not stop. It is what it is...

Originally Posted By: rickb89

What I will never understand is the choice. THis is the moment where any of our M's could leap into a greater level than ever before. Because it's broken it can be rebuilt, and if it hadn't been broken it could not have been rebuilt.

Well two things come to mind here.
One from those people that have reconciled there marriages I understand that the NEW marriages are better than anything they ever imagined.

And number two is that during crisis, the one in crisis is the OPPOSITE of who they have been for their whole life.
They must try every cheeseless tunnel and
fail at each one until they arrive at what was right before them the entire time.
OPPOSITE is a major theme of these crisises and their is science behind it.
But it really does explain why things do not make sense.
Because most of us are not used to living in an opposite world.
If you have ever raised teenagers you can see what OPPOSITE looks like from their point of view.
It does not make sense, eventually these teenagers become adults and it is amazing that they then think their parents now know everything.
This process is not quick, and it takes a tremendous amount of patience.

NEW marriages are better than anything they ever imagined.

I can "feel" this. Sound's corny to be sure, but I know it has the potential to be something wonderful and fulfilling.

Have been thinking the same thing concerning new marriages. My W likes the changes that I have made, but it waiting for me to revert to my old ways.

I have told her that out old M is dead as a door nail and going forward we would have to do things much differently.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=75911#Post75911

^^found this in the archives. Good stuff for the LBS to remember..

That link is a great perspective to keep in mind! Thanks for sharing

Btw, Rickb89 is Turing Ito some sort of 'all knowing wise one'.... I shall call him Shifu.

(anyone with kids knows who this guy is)

What's up with that? Did he finally stop huffing paint or something? LOl...

Wanna play a round of Quien es mas macho?

Bug, I only speak American..

who is shifu?

"who is shifu?"

It means 'teacher' in Chinese. It's also the teacher raccoon animal in Kung Fu Panda.

thanks! i assumed it was teacher in chinese but wasn't quite sure which character it was in reference too. obviously my kids aren't into kung fu panda. lol!

Ding ding ding! Mr.Bond is the winner

Barely I was certain you knew who he was!

Monkey, good link! Great perspective there. It's really amazing how timely some of the things on this site come up when I have a little trepidation about everything.

Mr. Bond, thanks for answering the question about shifu - it sounded so familiar, but I couldn't for the life of me figure out why!

"Wanna play a round of Quien es mas macho?"

I'm telling you La^^^you need to get that shotgun out of storage ASAP.lol

I wasn't suicidal but I was dying a slow and unhappy death. I was simply going through the motions of living life, too afraid of losing "control" to love, to have fun, to enjoy the beautiful things this life has to offer. - Bug

I can recall with tremendous frustration trying to convey this to my W. Despite my repeated attempts, I could not find the words and it just kept getting worse and it destroyed me. I was very close to the "end." I've seen so many parallels with the two of us Bug. I'm so happy you have recognized this behavior, because you have helped me in turn - thanks!

Brought this over from the Bug's thread. Important...

Damn Monk, digging up posts from 2001, well done sir!!

"...that secret from which one never recovers, that even in the most perfect love, one person loves less profoundly than the other."

Thornton Wilder
The Bridge of San Luis Rey

Our choice is to understand this and to choose to be that person, in face of all odds, decide.

It is very empowering to do so...

Nice one TG - thanks bud.

So, in full-on D mode now. Lawyers are doing their little dance, etc..

Still very much want to R, but at the same time I feel anger creeping in.

Oh well, just wanted to vent a bit.

Sorry Monk!!

Monk I know the effed up feeling

I know ya do bro. Sounds shytty, but I'm glad you are here with me! Lol..

Monk - I think rage and anger is pretty natural when lawyers are in the mix and the gloves are off. Just get through it to the other side!

I'm getting there. Not mad...just indifferent and somewhat defensive when it comes to this stuff now. I can honestly say that I have indeed made peace with the end of the M. Just below the surface of all this I am the happiest I have been in twenty years.

I still have tremendous respect for you, other Rick, and the Bug. Y'all have toughed it out for a long time. I could have never done this. Here I am five months in and I'm letting go. Perhaps this is the universe's way of telling me that my M was never meant to last in the first place.

Originally Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky

Perhaps this is the universe's way of telling me that my M was never meant to last in the first place.

NOPE - just part of your SCRIPT.
The part that you have NO CONTROL over.
You didn't ask for this, did not want it, have no choice, but must accept it.

You just keep on your path and play the cards as they are dealt.
Sorry they are not great cards, so do not bet too much on them.

That's so true! ^^^^^^

You didn't ask for this, did not want it, have no choice, but must accept it.

So true, yet I am profoundly grateful that this did happen. I am a better person for it. Just wish the price was not so high - I really love (though I do not really like her much right now)this person despite all of this.

I love the fact that you can say that.

I feel the same way about my M Ray.

Hi folks - been awhile since I posted.

So here we are in full-on Lawyer mode. The Lawyers are spewing venom back and forth and making things sound much worse than they ever were. Even with all the manuevering and witness calling my L tells me she still cannot have the divorce because she still does not have "legal" grounds.

Nevertheless, I am going to agree to the divorce. Not as stated in her petition though. I could draw this out for months or even years I imagine, but why?

Love to hear from the vets that have been to this point and lived to tell the tale.

what are legal grounds in your state?

AZ-no fault. I could mail it in.

Monkey,

I am unfamiliar with the laws where you are, however, I do know that other states in that area have made divorce much harder in recent years.

I guess my question to you are...

How would you benefit by dragging it out?

What "man" would you be showing her and the world if you do that?

How does making it more difficult reflect the man that you aspire to be in comparison to the man that you were?

Do the words in the petition really matter all that much?

Thats just my point. I do not want to draw it out.

Hey Grmpy, just wanted to drop in and say keep your chin up man!

Thanks bro!

I would imagine that only people that benefit dragging it out is the lawyers, f-that.

Shaky

Well, it has been some time...

I'm divorced now and the "drama" has come to an end. I am profoundly happy and thankful for that. I am also profoundly thankful for those of you that stood by me on those "dark nights".

To those of you just arrivng...hang in there and listen. You will get through this and life will once again be good!

Peace

It is good to hear the drama is over. Keep us up to date if anything changes between the two of you, if you are willing. It would be interesting to know if your W's behaviour changes in the coming months.

And yes... dogs REALLY do like bacon... I think they might be on to something...

I saw Grmpy_Mnky on the home page and I was like whaaatttttt.

Good to see you back and drama free.

Long live the monkey! Happy and free! Glad you're doing well!

He back we missed u bro. Red heads, stay away from them. lol

Quote:

Red heads, stay away from them. lol

they are my Kryptonite. love em.

I still say, she's a fool!

Originally Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky

Well, it has been some time...

I'm divorced now and the "drama" has come to an end. I am profoundly happy and thankful for that. I am also profoundly thankful for those of you that stood by me on those "dark nights".

To those of you just arrivng...hang in there and listen. You will get through this and life will once again be good!

Peace

Happiness is just around the corner, Monkman. Hold your head high and don't let your knuckles drag on the pavement. Girls don't like that! ;o)

Wishing you all the best. Keep us posted on your future travels.

LOl...thanks guys!

Bug - yeah, she is a fool. I'm gonna be a great catch for the next gal! Oh, and she will not be a red-head this time around...

Again, I feel so blessed to have found all of you when I did. I think that literally saved my life. Now that I'm back, I hope I can help the newbies out a bit - for what my scant knowledge is worth.

Quote:

...I hope I can help the newbies out a bit - for what my scant knowledge is worth.

Primates are known to be very intelligent creatures.

Hey Grmpy! Glad to hear you are doing great man! You play golf right, how's the golf swing? It's great to see you are happy on the other side of the tunnel, all evidence points that I will be joining you there shortly... Have a great weekend!

Is it really you ?

Dude, there are F-ing cobwebs in here....

And monkey crap....

Good to see you my brother.....

You to my friend, and Mach, thanks for saving my ass...

Broken - its all good bro. You'll feel better once its all done and said.

Originally Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky

You to my friend, and Mach, thanks for saving my ass...

Nah...

You did all the hard work...

All I did was hold the flashlight, and drive the get-a-way car....