I am starting a new thread because the last one was over 100.
I am journaling mainly, because I am at times confused by H and need to post here to avoid responding to him.
I know it was the fact that I asked him to leave the home, coupled with the tragic death of his coworker. I can see why he is doing what he is doing but I find it so confusing at times.
I just got a text from H:
I need to tell you, no matter what happens to us I love you. I always have and always will. Ian didn't get a chance to say that to his family today. I am really sorry for the pain you are in. I don't need a response, I just had to say that.
So I have not responded and don't intend to, it would do no good. He is clearly scared, probably for a few reasons.
One thing that stands out to me is the fact that he says "the pain you are in" and not the "pain I have caused you".
Just posting here to busy myself for a minute and move away from the phone.
I just got a text from H:
I need to tell you, no matter what happens to us I love you. I always have and always will. Ian didn't get a chance to say that to his family today. I am really sorry for the pain you are in. I don't need a response, I just had to say that.
So I have not responded and don't intend to, it would do no good.
Good. I'm glad you understand that. Respond only to emergencies, or
legitimate things about the boys.
Starsky
He is probably wondering about his own mortality. It sounds like guilt to me autumn but why bother reading into it. I think it is a positive IMO.
One thing that stands out to me is the fact that he says "the pain you are in" and not the "pain I have caused you".
Yep -- that's very insightful of you, Autumn. I call it "The 4 Stages of Remorse," and it goes something like this:
They'll go from "I'm sorry I got caught," to "I'm sorry for ME that I've messed myself up so much," to "I'm sorry for YOU that I hurt you (but I still don't see anything wrong with what I did)," to finally a more self-aware "I'm sorry for what I did because IT WAS THE WRONG THING TO DO, on so many levels. For me, for the pain I caused my wife and kids, for the breaking of my vows, etc."
I would peg your husband somewhere between the first and second stages right now.
Starsky
Autumn -
You're such a better study than I ever was!
And, I'm really so deliciously happy right now.
I see so much good for you in the future.
You operate on rational choices and reactions.
Keep it up, and post it here, or in my txt... Just keep it where it should be, and not towards him.
(Starsky made me cry w/that post about crying into a towel.
And, look at him now! You have two of us (at least) posting to you from a place of happiness, w/totally different outcomes. I'm so glad you have the benefit of the advice, coupled w/your ability to USE IT!)
During my sitch, I was given two or three REALLY excellent pieces of advice (OK, I was given HUNDREDS, but there were just a few that became basic, daily mottos for me to live by).
One of them was, in my response to my question of "How will I know when my wayward wife is telling the truth?", after she'd lied to me, to our adult daughters, and even to her own parents, repeatedly.
I was told:
"When her actions align with her words, over time . . . then you will know she is telling the truth."
I later learned that the time frame to that "over time" was measured in months, not in weeks (or even days!), but looking back now I can see how ACCURATE this was.
The #1 advice I got, by the way, was "In every situation, don't worry about what your wife will think or how she will react, or anyone else for that matter. Instead, simply DO THE RIGHT THING. Ask yourself 'What is The Right Thing to Do in this situation? What is the thing that God Himself would tell me to do, if He were standing right in front of me right now?' "
These two things helped me . . . a LOT.
Starsky
Autumn, this is some very good advice from Starsky, especially this:
The #1 advice I got, by the way, was [b]"In every situation, don't worry about what your wife will think or how she will react, or anyone else for that matter. Instead, simply DO THE RIGHT THING. Ask yourself 'What is The Right Thing to Do in this situation? What is the thing that God Himself would tell me to do, if He were standing right in front of me right now?' "
Starsky
I think I'm going to print this out!
Autumn, this is some very good advice from Starsky, especially this:
The #1 advice I got, by the way, was [b]"In every situation, don't worry about what your wife will think or how she will react, or anyone else for that matter. Instead, simply DO THE RIGHT THING. Ask yourself 'What is The Right Thing to Do in this situation? What is the thing that God Himself would tell me to do, if He were standing right in front of me right now?' "
Starsky
I think I'm going to print this out!
I should have added:
" . . . and then let the chips fall where they may, knowing you'd done your best."
Danged "Edit" feature disabled!!!
That is the part that hit me to RoRoin. I may just print that out myself. It is fantastic advice indeed.
I had one heck of a morning, it was rough to say the least. I am now feeling much stronger and will have it together before the kids get home from school.
I do plan to have a talk with them this afternoon a bit, to explain some things and answer any questions they may have. I want to make sure they are ok right now.
I have support group tonight and I'm looking forward to that. I also have Al Anon tomorrow, which is good.
Just putting one foot in front of the other today, it is all I can do.
That is the part that hit me to RoRoin. I may just print that out myself. It is fantastic advice indeed.
I had one heck of a morning, it was rough to say the least. I am now feeling much stronger and will have it together before the kids get home from school.
I do plan to have a talk with them this afternoon a bit, to explain some things and answer any questions they may have. I want to make sure they are ok right now.
I have support group tonight and I'm looking forward to that. I also have Al Anon tomorrow, which is good.
Just putting one foot in front of the other today, it is all I can do.
Autumn, some days that's all any of us can do. But you're doing it, and that's what counts!
The #1 advice I got, by the way, was "In every situation, don't worry about what your wife will think or how she will react, or anyone else for that matter. Instead, simply DO THE RIGHT THING. Ask yourself 'What is The Right Thing to Do in this situation? What is the thing that God Himself would tell me to do, if He were standing right in front of me right now?' "
Starsky
Autumn... I think I told you this on the phone, but... I have PAGES of times when I just plain did the RIGHT THING, and didn't worry about his reaction/the other person/situations reaction would be...
Checks show up out of nowhere! The right house was listed at the right time! I earned a commission in JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT to cover something I was in angst about! My friend pitched in w/an offer to handle boys (when I felt uncomfortable w/them being w/Dad) and didn't even know what she was offering!
Literally goes on and on and on...
Remember those pieces of advice!
I tried to post this in your other thread but it was locked... IT would have arrived before your first post in this
Also remember. When they go at you over little things. And try to get you on your edge. Perhaps get you off your thoughts. It is obfuscation. So do not get sucked into it.
If you observe. You will figure out the pattern.
I am not reading minds. But traditionally this will pick up as you continue to work on your legal goals.
The arguments will be vague and about feelings and opinions and spoken in a manor to make you second guess.
The best way to counter this.
Do not get sucked in. Walk away.
Think of the big picture.
And when you waver. Put a picture in your mind of respect. Think what you should be receiving. And remain quiet.
You will see that he will attempt to fill the void with ramblings.
Which will lead to ....
Also remember. When they go at you over little things. And try to get you on your edge. Perhaps get you off your thoughts. It is obfuscation. So do not get sucked into it.
If you observe. You will figure out the pattern.
I am not reading minds. But traditionally this will pick up as you continue to work on your legal goals.
The arguments will be vague and about feelings and opinions and spoken in a manor to make you second guess.
The best way to counter this.
Do not get sucked in. Walk away.
Think of the big picture.
And when you waver. Put a picture in your mind of respect. Think what you should be receiving. And remain quiet.
You will see that he will attempt to fill the void with ramblings.
Which will lead to ....
Or, as a poster named SmileysPerson used to call it:
"Just smile and wave."
Starsky
Great advice all, way to keep my focus. I really appreciate it, and I am back now
It was a momentary lapse
He has texted and emailed a bunch today, and I only responded to the tax questions.
The kids are out doing their thing and I have my support group tonight so I won't be home until after 10pm.
I ordered a new book today, it was written by a man in my local area who has been right here. In his 19th year of marriage his wife dropped the ILYBNIWY and he wrote the book about the raw ups and downs,etc. He spoke to a group I belong to on Monday, and sadly I missed it. The book will be here tomorrow, and it comes highly recommended.
For now I feel strong again, glad to be back on this side again. Hoping to stay strong for a while, a little longer each time.
So last night I went to my support group and it was phenomenal. I was so glad that I went and I feel just a little less scared and alone today. I feel like today is a good day for me, and I will take them where I can get them.
I got home from support group just a little after 10 and was so glad to be able to see the kids before they went to bed. They were doing well and filled me in on their nights.
H was in the game room watching TV. When I took the dog out back, I got a text message from H asking me if he could have a cigarette, because he was having a really rough night.
I brought him one and he asked me to stay for a minute. He was hysterically sobbing and couldn't compose himself. He kept talking about his coworker who tragically died yesterday morning. He was saying that he was such a good guy, in good health, etc.
He then said "he is the man that I wish I could be"
I didn't say a word. Just listened. When I got up to leave he asked if he could have one more cigarette before I go. He started crying again and said "i'm sorry, I don't mean to drag you into this. It's not just the death, it is everything. Everything is crashing down around me at once"
I replied "I can certainly understand that"
I got up and went to get ready for bed. He stayed out there a while longer.
When he came to bed he repeatedly said "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's everything crashing down"
I said "mmm hmmm, I hope you get some sleep tonight"
He is still in bed now. As I was getting up this morning to get my S15 off to school, he said "thank you for the cigarettes last night, just a rough day/night"
I got up and went about my morning.
I feel surprisingly strong this morning. I'm very thankful for that.
Seems like you are really detaching emotionally from h Autumn, that is great!!
What book are you referring to above?
[quote=Autumn Leaves]
He is still in bed now. As I was getting up this morning to get my S15 off to school, he said "thank you for the cigarettes last night, just a rough day/night"
quote]
This would have been a great time to say "Yes, this has been incredibly difficult for ALL OF US," and let that sink in with him. Poor baby is more focused on himself (which is entirely the consequences of his poor and even destructive decisions) than he is of you or even YOUR KIDS.
Other than that, "A+", Autumn, really. Nicely done!!
Starsky
Autumn -
I'm so glad to hear that, beyond everything else, you're not letting him affect you (too much) or take up valuable head space.
My first thought was close to Starsky's... BooHoo H. I feel so bad for YOUR WORLD. Gawd.
How about the wife you've betrayed? How about the two boys whose lives you've turned upside down?
Sheesh.
You sound way strong.
The book is called I thought we were happy: Lessons my wife taught me on the road to divorce by Jonathan Lewis.
Keep in mind that I haven't read it yet, so it may not be for everyone. I was taking recos from people I know, and will make up my mind soon. It is arriving today so I will keep you posted SIAS. It may very well go against DB, and I will know pretty quickly.
Thanks Starsky, I was actually quite shocked at my reaction. I was able to remain detached and it felt good.
I'm looking forward to later today. S17 is in a fun thing called Sports Night on Friday night. It is for a grade, but it is so much fun. The kids are on teams and compete, dance competitions, etc. Today after school he asked me to help him with his costume. I'm looking forward to it.
S15 is signing up for in house baseball tonight, and I will take him to sign up and go to buy a new bat. His true sport is basketball but he is doing this for some fun with his friends. I am so happy for him.
I've been making some plans for the weekend already. Meeting my mom for lunch on Saturday. She wants to give me the key to her condo in case I need it while she is away. She is heading to Florida for a month so it will be a nice escape if I need it.
Sunday I have a reunion with my EE grads, we are having a picnic in a local park. I'm excited about it!
I'm also taking my bike to the local bike shop to get a full tune up on it. I want to start riding more. There is a fantastic path along the canal nearby which runs all the way into NJ and the sites are beautiful. I plan to start taking some nice long rides on the weekend.
All in all, I'm good today
[quote=Autumn Leaves]
He is still in bed now. As I was getting up this morning to get my S15 off to school, he said "thank you for the cigarettes last night, just a rough day/night"
quote]
This would have been a great time to say "Yes, this has been incredibly difficult for ALL OF US," and let that sink in with him. Poor baby is more focused on himself (which is entirely the consequences of his poor and even destructive decisions) than he is of you or even YOUR KIDS.
Other than that, "A+", Autumn, really. Nicely done!!
Starsky
Better to keep quiet. Your detaching. Remember you owe him nothing when you are detached. The rule of thumb is this. Any sentence about conversations that are not important. Add the word "Do not" in front of it. By just leaving and not saying any comments about the relationship you avoided a conversation about the relationship or how hurt his feelings are or what ever else floated to the surface.
The night before you were a kind and respectful human being. And you left it at that. Very well done. But I think you need to leave him alone with his thoughts. And let him shape them how ever he wants.
Just remember that remorse is different between different people.
Autumn,
Ahh, youth baseball. BTDT; this Spring is, in fact, sadly the first season that I WON'T be coaching one of my sons' baseball teams in about 9 years.
The latest-and-greatest bats have been quite expensive; we had good luck online (Just Bats is a great site), and locally both Sports Authority and Dick's has good sales from time to time. Our best success was either online or getting a slightly used GOOD one from Play-It-Again Sports, if you have one of those near you. Have fun shopping with him! Get him some new batting gloves, in a color combination that will match his team's uniform. Teenaged boys dig new batting gloves, and they're CHEAP compared to bats!!
Starsky
Hey Autumn...
Is your H currently on any AD meds?
I agree you sound like you did a great job handling yourself.
So my only add is, while you remain distant because it is necessary for you AND your H, observe for physically destructive, depression behaviours...
If he crashes... if he is going to emotionally crash... it might be good/healthy for him... so long as he doesn't actually hurt himself in the process...
You don't need to get caught up and be all co-D, just for the sake of your kids, in case...
KWIM?
Great suggestions Starsky, thanks. I am prepared for the bat, I remember from last time that it was the most expensive item. We used to have a Play it again sports, but they aren't there anymore sadly.
I will definitely get him the batting gloves too. He is all about matching and has to match his sneakers to his hat. He is also all about accessories and loves to wear shooter sleeves when playing basketball. He swears it is a joke, but I am not so sure
Hey Autumn...
Is your H currently on any AD meds?
I agree you sound like you did a great job handling yourself.
So my only add is, while you remain distant because it is necessary for you AND your H, observe for physically destructive, depression behaviours...
If he crashes... if he is going to emotionally crash... it might be good/healthy for him... so long as he doesn't actually hurt himself in the process...
You don't need to get caught up and be all co-D, just for the sake of your kids, in case...
KWIM?
Thanks KD, I do know exactly where you are coming from. He is not on any AD. In fact, he is self medicating and was quite drunk last night while crying, although he remembered everything this morning.
I was slightly concerned for his safety at one point last night. I was in the house and heard a loud bang out back, but it turns out it was just the door slamming too hard. I wasn't sure what it was and went to check on him.
I agree, making sure things are safe for the kids is my top priority.
I will definitely get him the batting gloves too. He is all about matching and has to match his sneakers to his hat.
I had to smile at this. Every winter, my S16 plays flag football, and I coach him. It's only flag, and to save $$$ we usually just have him continue to wear whatever cleats he used for Fall baseball, rather than buy him football-specific cleats.
Well, this Fall, we got him some pretty cool-looking baseball cleats that he had THOUGHT were blue-and-black, but turned out to actually be PURPLE-and-black. So when we went to our flag football draft (where we pick team names from a pre-approved uniform vendor list), he said "Dad, if they do pro teams this year, get the Ravens. And if they do college, get TCU."
Because both have purple-and-black color schemes.
Our team never won a game, but S16 sure looked pretty spiffy in his color-coordinated jersey and cleats!!!
Starsky
LOL that is great Starsky, sounds very familiar to me. It's all about color coordination.
Journaling:
Got a text from H this afternoon stating that he has his first IC appt tomorrow. I didn't respond.
Feeling incredibly strong right now and really riding this as long as I possibly can!
Autumn -
Have a good day traveling for work! It's kind of nice to get out of the same environment! Hope you're still feeling strong, centered, and good.
Just checking in..
Last night S17 had an event at school and we both went. It was great to be supportive of S and he was looking for us in the crowds. He did great.
When we were leaving S15 asked if we could get pizza so I said "sure we will order one" and H suggested stopping on the way. S15 was excited so I agreed. S15 was animated and happy, telling stories, etc.
When we left H said to me privately "that was nice" and I said "I couldn't disappoint S and this doesn't change anything" He got hurt and a disagreement began, with him telling me where I was wrong, its not just him, etc.
When we woke up he said "As far as I am concerned, it was a good night and I enjoyed it. Lets end it at that and forget the disagreement. I don't want to complicate things"
I replied "well we certainly can't simplify them"
He was telling me about his IC appt and some of the things he brought in, which surprised me a bit. He also said "I don't know where your head is but when you are ready I am ready for MC" He said "I will keep saying it until you tell me you are ready"
Today he went away with his buddy and they will be back sometime tomorrow. I have been enjoying the day and evening with the kids. I only heard from him twice and he has stopped texting/calling.
He said "I heard you when you said you need space and I think I need some peace as well"
It doesn't seem like he will be moving out based on some of the things he has been saying. His IC is weekly and I will continue my journey as well. I have support group tomorrow and IC next week.
Whoever said this is a marathon sure wasn't joking.
Well my goal was to remain dark while he was away this weekend and really enjoy my time alone. For the most part I did, and the kids were wonderful. We had some fun times together.
But my next door neighbor, who doesn't know the sitch, thought it would be funny to text H last night telling him there was a party at my house.
So not knowing this, H was texting me into all hours of the night "what are you doing" or "why aren't you responding to me"
I had no idea what they were about and went to sleep. This morning I got "are you ok" so I finally responded and found out what the neighbor said.
H also sent me a private message through FB saying "I love you and miss you" last night. That was a hot button for me because that was how he was communicating with OW. It made me wonder if other messages were going out along with mine last night. I don't like that feeling at all and need to shake it.
H is on his way home now, and I am leaving for my support group picnic. A fun day in the park. Kids are headed to the gym and then baseball practice. I'm a little nervous about coming home tonight and what the tone will be but I will be ok, no matter what.
I suspect the tone will still be "St. Autumn's Hubby" for a few more tries, but I think he's going to be nearing the end of his patience with that before he tries a dramatically different tack.
I could be wrong.
I'm glad you had a nice time away.
Starsky
Autumn.
That's actually pretty funny about the neighbors joke. Timing!!! Ugh!!!
You are holding steady and strong.
Loved your reply to the "card". Perfection.
Checking in and some updates:
Sunday evening we had some nice open conversations, some enjoyable time together and although I hoped to never do it, I backslid a bit. It was so familiar. He returned from his trip with a hand written card expressing his apologies, that I am a good person and don't deserve this treatment, and he hopes that some day I can forgive him.
Monday morning we had a discussion that I appreciate the card and the time we spent together on Sunday evening but that it doesn't change anything. He said he understood and doesn't blame me, but he also doesn't regret anything.
I was home sick yesterday, and out of communication mostly. He was emailing and texting like crazy, which was tough as I was trying to re-establish my boundaries and remain dark.
Last night he took the kids to his moms for her bday, and I stayed home to get my head on straight. He came home quickly and it felt like he was trying to fall back into past behavior (whether he intended to or not)
This morning he was doing the same, in actions and conversations. I felt myself tensing up and realizing this was a dangerous and slippery slope. I needed to get my footing and go very dark. He felt it happening and kept asking "what is wrong" even though I had already explained that nothing had changed and I was still figuring out my future and the boys future.
I mentioned this morning that we should really consider finding a MC sooner rather than later. In my mind, it can be beneficial no matter what happens. We have already agreed that we have 20 plus years and need to coparent amicably.
He said that he is open to MC but doesn't want to give up his IC. I said "i would never want you to"
S17 is home sick today so I am juggling slightly, but I need to get my head together again. I was doing so well and one minor slip really messed with my head.
Having a down day and trying very hard to keep my footing. I need to shake off the pity party, recognize this for what it is and continue to move forward. Some days are just tougher than others. I think I will take some time and respond to others for a bit. Sometimes giving back is the most helpful thing I can do for myself, and takes my mind off of things.
Hi Autumn Leaves, I had one of those days yesterday. Just hold on to your hat because tomorrow is another day
Yes, I find helping others really very helpful on down days too.
I think that's a GREAT idea, Autumn. I always do better when I'm helping someone else.
Also, GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION to have a bad day. Sometimes, people throw so many "You're doing GREAT!"s and "You are SO STRONG!"s at you, that you begin to think you're impervious to the incredible emotional strain you're under right now.
Starsky
Autumn. Good Morning.
I hope your evening was better than your day.
One slip up in all of this strength. Pffftttt. No big.
Pity party it up. ( I remember allowing myself to have one, but only allowed it for 30 min).
Then, dust off and move the heck on!!!
Good morning!! Thank you for your message last night MF, it did make me laugh
I feel stronger this morning and feel like I am getting my focus back again. I am glad to have that behind me now, and hope the down days are further between. I much prefer the good days
H has still been on his best behavior still. Yesterday he was getting frustrated with me that I wasn't answering his calls and only answering important texts. He made a comment "you are ignoring me" and I simply responded "i have been so busy" and moved on.
He's making it so incredibly hard to remain dark. I almost feel like I need to have a talk with him about boundaries. He says that he knows what he did was incredibly wrong, and he hopes that someday I can forgive him. He isn't looking for a quick/simple fix. But then he wants to act like everything is ok, and I think he is hoping that eventually I will just fall in line and be ok.
I'm not mind reading, this has been our pattern for years, sadly.
Autumn.
When he barrages you w/txt's and emails... A constant reminder...
"I asked you for space. Please respect my request. "
"I'm not ignoring you. I'm attempting to distance myself from you. Please respect my request to give me space. "
Or..
"Listen, you lying/cheating bastard. Back the hell off!". (LoL)
Glad you're better this am.
How's S17?!?!
Haha! Ok that had me laughing, thanks
S17 is much better today. He actually went to work last night and is back in school today. It had to be a 24 hour bug, because I was better that quickly also. Thankfully S15 is healthy so far. He's not home enough to share the germs
Autumn.
When he barrages you w/txt's and emails... A constant reminder...
"I asked you for space. Please respect my request. "
"I'm not ignoring you. I'm attempting to distance myself from you. Please respect my request to give me space. "
Or..
"Listen, you lying/cheating bastard. Back the hell off!". (LoL)
Glad you're better this am.
How's S17?!?!
2 out of 3 of these are perfect.
Oh, and probably necessary.
Starsky
Agreed, thank you both!! Only one email so far today, so hopefully it is a bit clearer. It's been a good day so far. Went out to lunch with a friend and now back at work. Looking forward to a busy night as well.
Hang in there Autumn - you are getting some great advice from great folks!
Hey Autumn,
I agree with everything posted... I think you're doing great.
Your husband's actions should be proof to us LBSers that pursuing is NOT ATTRACTIVE.. and that DBing, although counter intuitive to our instincts, is really what works.
Keep on keeping on!
Thanks GM and Val! So good to hear from you both!
Val you are so right about pursuing, it really doesn't feel good.
Update:
So last night after no contact all day, I was out when H got home from work. The kids were out as well. He seemed a little angry when I finally walked in, and I know it was because he hadn't heard back from me after emailing and texting. But he didn't ask, so I didn't say anything.
S17 needs to build a float for his prom. His HS is well known for the parade leading up to the prom. There was a book written about it and MTV is doing a documentary this year. So needless to say we are all excited to do this.
H told me that he was meeting with the guy who is going to help with the float, and do I want to go along for the meeting. Because it was for S17, I agreed to go.
I was sorry I did the minute we got there. The man we met with is a friend of ours from the marina where we have kept our boat for over 10 years. Some things came up in conversation that made me upset. H was withholding information, and the odd thing is that they are sometimes silly things that make no sense. It makes me wonder if he ever tells me the truth. He preaches honesty to the kids and can't seem to do the same.
Before leaving this morning he asked "are you ok" and I shook my head. He said "if it makes you feel any better, neither am i"
I said "why in the world would that make me feel better" and he said "i was just joking" Sigh
When he got to work he emailed an apology about the withheld information/lie and said 'we can discuss communication issues in general later'. I am starting to think he really doesn't get it.
I am just shaking my head as I think about this.
Autumn, sorry things seem so rocky right now.
What is YOUR goal at this point?
Thanks bug
I've missed you here, I'm glad you're back!
I think my goal is to fully detach again, I was so much better off when I did. It may mean having nothing to do with the float but I can be involved in the prom in other ways, and I'm involved with my sons other activities.
I think I need to shift the focus back to me. I treated myself to a mani/pedi yesterday and that felt very good. Time to be nice to me for a change
I guess I am frustrated because I know it would be so much easier if he would just move out and he refuses. Remaining dark is so much tougher under the same roof/in same bed.
Thanks for the reminder about MY goals
I know the "leaving the marital bed/home" is a controversial topic around here but for me, I would be so worn out and stressed with that. My life is placid compared to others I read about; yes I do occasionally have rough seas but all in all, I'm pretty happy.
I'm not advocating for either, just grateful for where I am.
Hope you soon get there, too.
Yes worn out and stressed is exactly how I feel, not to mention it can get confusing for both of us. He tends to try to joke or act as if nothing happened which makes me sad and angers me at the same time.
I wish it were an option but my L told me not to leave the home. I am guessing he must have gotten similar advice.
Before leaving this morning he asked "are you ok" and I shook my head. He said "if it makes you feel any better, neither am i"
I said "why in the world would that make me feel better"
Love this. ^^^
Starsky
H has still been on his best behavior still. Yesterday he was getting frustrated with me that I wasn't answering his calls and only answering important texts. He made a comment "you are ignoring me" and I simply responded "i have been so busy" and moved on.
He's making it so incredibly hard to remain dark. I almost feel like I need to have a talk with him about boundaries. He says that he knows what he did was incredibly wrong, and he hopes that someday I can forgive him. He isn't looking for a quick/simple fix. But then he wants to act like everything is ok, and I think he is hoping that eventually I will just fall in line and be ok.
I'm not mind reading, this has been our pattern for years, sadly.
I am going to offer something a little counter to the advice here.
Ignoring over and over does not work. It frustrates the heck out of him. So he keeps up the contact. Which frustrates the heck out of you.
Do you see the issue here. It is falling out into other areas as well.
You know you cannot go dark/dim very well. You know this is affecting your health.
So why not change this up.
You know that you do not need to contact him back for each and every message.
BUT.
You also know that part of acting 'AS-IF' does not mean ignoring him.
Why not use this as a teaching moment for Mr. AL and show him how busy you really are.
He sends a bunch of texts, phone calls.
Call him back when your about to, or doing something.
At the grocery store. Call him back where all the carts are being wheeled about.
Leaving to go do something. Call him just before you get there.
You know he has a meeting or something. Call him 60 seconds before he goes into it.
And make the conversation short.
"Hi Mr.AL just returning your calls /texts. What's up"
Then just listen to what he is saying. As soon as you get a pause or change in thought. Interrupt.
" I am about to do this ______ so I can only talk for another minute."
If its not important then just say.
"Gotta run. Have a great day"
If it is important then just say.
"Can we talk about this later. Have a great day"
End the conversation.
May be a very good idea chatterbug, thank you. I guess I forgot that for a moment "if something isn't working, change it" and I know that it hasn't been working and is driving me crazy.
Hi AL. I am going to offer another bit of advice to go along with the communication.
You gotta stop the pity parties.
You gotta really start using the 'Fake it until you make it'
When you have these short conversations. You gotta portray who you really are. And that is a woman. A wonderful woman. A wonderful mother. One who has some scars but one who is going to make it no matter the outcome. You are a good honest nice person. Remember who you are. And start to communicate as yourself again. Practice this with everyone you know. Remember what it was like to be happy. Practice it. Show it outwardly.
The next time he comes at you with the I am down in the dumps. Smile and say " Yes, I agree. I can see that your really down in the dumps."
Then carry on about your day. Because you just validated Mr. AL and did not push. Did not chase. You showed confidence. You were a decent human being. You were nice.
And do not forget to smile. Spring is in the air.
I am absolutely smiling, and very much enjoying this great weather
Fake it till you make it has always been what I've told others in tough situations, and I am taking that advice as well.
The past few days I have really been really enjoying my boys. We have had some really good times. I had dinner with just S15 last night and we had such great conversations. I truly LIKE these young men in addition to loving them.
I am taking myself shopping today for a new blouse and new pair of shoes, and that always makes me feel good. I have an event that I need them for and really looking forward to getting dressed up
Thank you for taking the time to write that out chatterbug. I absolutely know where you are coming from and needed to read that. I am a nice, honest, intelligent woman and plan to spend some time working on her again. I have a lot to offer and friends who truly appreciate me. I've started making some fun plans for the coming months, and actually feeling pretty excited about it.
You gotta really start using the 'Fake it until you make it'
This works!!
Hooray for shopping! Enjoy it!
I agree with Chatterbug that you need to "Fake it till you Make it". I know it's hard.. but the more you fake.. the sooner it will turn real for you...
..which will help with your situation. IMO - it's not that what you are doing isn't working because your H refuses to listen. It's only not working if it isn't helping you figure out your next steps.
I know it sukks, but healthy people respect boundaries. Loving people respect boundaries... because they care enough about the other person.
I'm not saying your H doesn't care about you, but I do think his mind is only thinking about himself. Even if he is making it about you... it's not...
... because if he was.. he would be respecting your wishes.
Until he can shift his focus.. there isn't much you can do.. except to validate his feelings (which isn't saying he is right) and not reacting in a negative way.
But I don't think it's time to switch "tactics". You've only been doing this a couple weeks. Give it time and continue to stay focused that the boundaries aren't about HIM, but for YOU.
Remember that it's because you love yourself that you are setting them.
Remember that you are asking for space because you DO love your H and your marriage.
Be Kind and Loving.. but firm.
((( )))
I am absolutely smiling, and very much enjoying this great weather
Fake it till you make it has always been what I've told others in tough situations, and I am taking that advice as well.
The past few days I have really been really enjoying my boys. We have had some really good times. I had dinner with just S15 last night and we had such great conversations. I truly LIKE these young men in addition to loving them.
I am taking myself shopping today for a new blouse and new pair of shoes, and that always makes me feel good. I have an event that I need them for and really looking forward to getting dressed up
Thank you for taking the time to write that out chatterbug. I absolutely know where you are coming from and needed to read that. I am a nice, honest, intelligent woman and plan to spend some time working on her again. I have a lot to offer and friends who truly appreciate me. I've started making some fun plans for the coming months, and actually feeling pretty excited about it.
btw, this ^^^ . . . is all
VERY ATTRACTIVE. Your husband -- and other men -- will notice this "vibe" you're giving off.
Be prepared this time.
Starsky
I would also like to recommend. That you get in-touch with some girlfriends. And arrange to meet up and have a nice evening together. Could be a movie and coffee and desert afterwards. If no-one is available. Grab the laptop or a good book and go hit the coffee shop yourself for some peace and quiet. Plan it out for one night next week. Let the boys know your busy that night so they will have to fend for themselves for dinner. Then go out that night.
Take the time to prepare yourself for going out. Enjoy the whole experience. A self date night.
Then work this into your routine. Doing something for yourself.
Enjoy your friends. And enjoy your own company.
Hey Autumn, how about an update? How are things going for you?
Starsky
Come on friend!!! I keep checking in from vacation... We need an update.
Hi Starsky! Sorry I haven't updated. I have been trying to post for the past day and 1/2 but haven't been able to look at myself in the mirror let alone say it out loud, but here it goes.
It's been a rough few days, after I was doing well for a bit. Let me preface this by saying, I know what I need to do and I've started doing it
After my last post, H was seriously on his best behavior and pursuing and I guess I was wearing down a bit because when he asked me to go out with him Friday night in celebration of his bday, I agreed. He said "its the only thing I really want for my bday" I don't know if it was guilt, obligation, wanting to feel like it used to...but I went.
It was awkward for me most of the night and he thanked me for going. He said it was great, although I don't know how he didn't feel as awkward as I did?
The next evening we had a thing for the kids basketball league, we are both on the Board and had to attend. I spent most of the night with friends and he with his friends. Sadly I was vulnerable and really confused, there were moments of the "old days". We ended up ML
I told him on Sunday that it was a mistake and that it was too confusing for both of us. He agreed and said he understands. But he was still trying to keep that connection, so not sure he heard me. I think he thinks he can just make it go away.
Last night I tried to really clear it up and said "it was a mistake, and way too soon for that type of contact" I explained that nothing has changed, and I don't trust him so I can't possibly be intimate."
I was weak and I'm sad that I did it, which is telling in itself I suppose. This is the same person who just weeks ago was telling me that he was angry all the time and didn't know why. He didn't want to talk to me about anything and was talking to OW.
Now he is telling me he wants to spend all of his time with me, not giving me any space and misses me during the day at work. I told him that I can't say that anymore and that makes me sad. He didn't say anything to that.
H made some comments last night that really helped me realize I am making the right decisions. After discussing everything, he texted suggestions about ML again (no boundaries or care for my feelings). When I created space he said "you're the one who initiated the no contact rule"
I've been beating myself up and even avoided posting, but it is now time to pull myself up and get back to what was working and that is focusing on me, and my life, my future.
A friend invited me to go out on Friday night, and I will be taking her up on that for sure. I plan to get back to self care, and that includes no longer beating myself up over my slips.
I haven't yet figured out what will happen for Easter. Since we are still under one roof and his family knows nothing, I will most likely go with them on Sunday. Not to mention I really want to be with my kids. There are plenty of people to talk to, and I will be just fine. Especially now that I will be setting my boundaries once again.
Sorry MF, was posting the update when you posted. I'm glad your trip is going well
The next evening we had a thing for the kids basketball league, we are both on the Board and had to attend. I spent most of the night with friends and he with his friends. Sadly I was vulnerable and really confused, there were moments of the "old days". We ended up ML
Wait, is this the same incident you told me about on 3/25, or a second one?
Starsky
I've been thinking about Easter ever since I posted this and wondering if that is just me being selfish and not wanting to be without my kids. I'm starting to think that I should go to my fathers for the weekend. Both of my brothers will be there, and I will have the time and space that I need desperately.
What his family knows/thinks is none of my business. I love them very much but don't want to put on a face for anyone.
Not sure yet how I will handle the kids, will most likely let them go with H so the can be with their cousins
Wait, is this the same incident you told me about on 3/25, or a second one?
Starsky
Not the same one
I hope you used protection!
Autumn, so much of your sitch sounds like mine. And I'm sorry to admit I've made many of the same mistakes as you have. At least there's some comfort in knowing that it's just basic human nature. I won't beat myself up anymore if you don't. (hug)
Autumn, please don't beat yourself up. You're human, we have feelings, we do things, life goes on.
We aren't keeping score.
She's back to square one.
You mean limbo still goes on... In fact starts over.
That
Is
No
Life.
Ok.....back up.
I wasn't going to comment but I wanted to throw in that you are NOT at square one. You are back peddaling a tiny bit but not all the way to the beginning.
You crossed your own boundary, you told him you weren't comfortable with that and it was a mistake. That re-established the boundary and now, like you said, you go back to living your own life and letting him process...on his own.
It will be hard, but not like the beginning.
Be strong! Be courageous! Live like NO ONE ELSE!
I don't think that making this mistake, ONCE, is a dealbreaker, provided Autumn follows it up IMMEDIATELY with a "that was a mistake; I don't want to mislead you, that can't happen again" boundary . . . and sticks to it.
Were it to happen twice, AFTER such a boundary statement were laid out after the first time, then I would suggest that you'd actuallbe be at "Square Minus-1," because you would have simply shown your husband what the easiest way to manipulate you is, and your so-called boundaries would then be laughed at, because he'd know you weren't serious about it.
DBing isn't complicated, but it DOES take a very strong amount of self-control. In fact, I have yet to see someone do it successfully without that all-important character trait.
Starsky
Bug and Mishka, thank you for taking the time to respond. I really do appreciate it.
MF and Starsky, I get where you are both coming from. I've thought all of those things.
I am will not justify my actions because I clearly crossed my own boundaries, but when I messaged you on 3/26 (Starsky) I said that I planned to make that clear to him but really didn't establish that crossed boundary until after the second time.
Did I know it? Yes
Did I express it very clearly to him? No
But that being said, he doesn't respect my boundaries and I need to have that self control. Even after I clearly expressed my boundaries, he joked with me about them. I don't disagree with what you are saying Starsky.
I just got off the phone with my father and I will be going there for the weekend and spending Easter with them.
But that being said, he doesn't respect my boundaries and I need to have that self control. Even after I clearly expressed my boundaries, he joked with me about them.
Autumn,
Your husband will begin respecting your boundaries when YOU do, and not a moment sooner.
I will continue to pray that you find the strength and courage to do so.
Starsky
Autumn.
You can do this. You just plain can't share your body w/someone who so willingly will give/who has given his to someone else...
Mishka My opinion is... She's re-starting... He was unfaithful multiple ways/multiple times. She distanced herself. He didn't respect her wishes. She let him do exactly what he was guilty of with someone else. Guess its ok if I'm nice enough... Keep pouring on the syrup etc...
Autumn is awesome. I can't blame her for wanting an intact family.
It's now her choice to make whether infidelity is acceptible to keep it. Because, her H is doing NOTHING but sweet talking her to keep her in check.
I really hope he comes around.
The man is a multiple time cheater, though. With a silver tongue.
Blech
She's WAY too special for this.
Autumn. Glad you're going to your Dads. Can the boys go with you?'
Your husband will begin respecting your boundaries when YOU do, and not a moment sooner.
I absolutely get this and agree 100%
I will continue to pray that you find the strength and courage to do so.
Thank you!
Autumn. Glad you're going to your Dads. Can the boys go with you?'
They can absolutely and I hope they do, but it is "technically" his families holiday (we alternate) so if the want to go see their cousins I won't make a big deal. I would definitely prefer they are with me though, but either way I will be fine
Space was not an issue last night. H spent the night watching basketball with S15 which is good because he rarely spends time with the kids anymore.
When S17 got home he was asking to sleep at a friends tomorrow (tonight) and I reminded him that it was his fathers birthday. When I went to bed H was irritated and complaining of 'issues' with the boys and specifically with S17. He feels distant from him, and wanted to know if I felt anything in my relationship with him. I said that I didn't.
This morning I said "happy birthday" when I woke up and started to get on with my day. He asked me if I was ok going to his parents for Easter and I hesitated. I said "I wasn't planning to have this conversation on your birthday" and he said "well my mom will ask" So I said "well I plan to go to the beach with my brothers and spend time at my dads" and he got very quiet.
Because there is no separation or agreement of any type, I wasn't sure how to handle the kids. I mentioned "letting them decide or they can go with you" and he said "they shouldn't be put in the middle" and I said "they've been in the middle for a long time now"
I won't make a big deal out of it. I will really miss them. As old as they are, it won't be the same but I have to get used to it.
I took S15 to school, and usually H is still in bed when I get back. This morning he was showered and walking out the door by the time I got back. He said a quick "have a good day" and left.
I have lunch plans with a friend today. She is going through a D too, and was texting me last night.
I have to be honest, I have a huge lump in my throat and the tears are back. I know he has no respect for me and he has been manipulating me, but I am still grieving. We have 20 years of history and not all of it was bad. It is a hard day.
autumn, i'm no one to give advice since i'm so new here and surely doing everything wrong but i'm so sorry for your pain. i completely understand it. it would be so much better if our husbands were totally nasty and had evil faces with horns on their heads. but...they don't. they have the face we fell in love with, the laugh we long to hear, the smile that melts our hearts, and worst of all, they still love us, too, just not the right way for us to be happy.
breathe, breathe, breathe.
Autumn.
None of this feels good.
I always tried to remember this, when dealing w/a topic/situation that made me feel bad...
You handled things respectfully, which is more than he's done with you.
Not yet separated, yet moving in that direction, in the same home/bed, yet working independently on your plan... How can it not be emotional?
Just a few thoughts...
Considering his mistakes, has he done what is required/has he taken any of the big steps required for forgiveness and reconciliation?
Is he considering healing if you/your family before himself?
And, remember, even if he does... It's not weeks of solid individual work, it's months/year (depending on the situation) to prove the worth of the effort.
You're doing the right thing re:birthday/Easter/space, especially with the boys. your space at a time like this speaks volumes.
Now, give yourself a big hug.
Thanks to both of you! I just have to try to get through this day the best I can.
A friend of mine who does not know what is going on, posted something on FB this morning. It was regarding her own divorce years ago, and it said "Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you or makes you happy"
Just got a text from H saying he is leaving work early and taking the boys golfing this afternoon. I said "sounds like a good way to spend your birthday, enjoy" and he said "I agree, thanks"
I already knew about it because S17 was still home and mentioned H texted him. He also asked "did dad leave early this morning"
It is time for us to sit them down together and discuss, no more dancing this dance.
Good stuff, Autumn.
I'm glad he's making the effort to reach out to the boys. And, they can enjoy Dads birthday w/him.
Now, is your L working to put a legal plan in place?
I still have to figure out how to pay her, still working out the logistics. But I did gather all of the paperwork she told me to gather, and have it safely hidden.
Autumn, those down days are rough, aren't they? I find that when I have one in the next couple of days I feel reinvigorated, stronger and have new purpose.
It's as if another layer of the old me has been peeled back.
Labug makes a good point. I remember that feeling...
It's almost like you've dealt w/the worst (of the moment). And, realize you made it through it, and are anew!
I remember figuring out how to pay... I had to save (on the side) for a few months. That's not fun. Afterwards, my L told me that it is legally acceptable to use marital funds for a divorce L retainer. It's hard, though, because the minute that $ disappears from the account... You've tipped your hand.
autumn, i'm no one to give advice since i'm so new here and surely doing everything wrong but i'm so sorry for your pain. i completely understand it. it would be so much better if our husbands were totally nasty and had evil faces with horns on their heads. but...they don't. they have the face we fell in love with, the laugh we long to hear, the smile that melts our hearts, and worst of all, they still love us, too, just not the right way for us to be happy.
breathe, breathe, breathe.
That's precisely right, Scaredsilly. You put it beautifully . . . and accurately.
Seems like pretty GOOD advice to me!
Starsky
. . .
You handled things respectfully, which is more than he's done with you.
. . .
And, remember, even if he does... It's not weeks of solid individual work, it's months/year (depending on the situation) to prove the worth of the effort.
. . .
You're doing the right thing re:birthday/Easter/space, especially with the boys. your space at a time like this speaks volumes.
on all of these points.
Starsky
labug, thank you for that! It is a great way to think of it, and I will hold on to that today. Peeling onions always did make me cry
Thought this may be helpful for someone other than me today...
“Every tomorrow has two handles. We can take hold of it with the handle of anxiety or the handle of faith.”
--Henry Ward Beecher
autumn, I do want to offer, regarding the kids...\
it is true, they should not have to choose... it is asking them to choose loyalties...
who "normally" made the decision of where the family went...?
maybe let the other parent make that decision...
if your H would be the one to decide (as a 180 for you) and he cannot / will not...
then you need to choose where the boys go, and be OK with your decision...
not easy, but necessary...
in my case, my W told me long ago that there was going to be no "easter event" with her side...
this past week, that has changed...
rather than fight with my W on something that was agreed upon, I allowed for the change and gave a touch more...
I will fight FOR the kids... but I won't fight OVER them...
I have to be honest, I have a huge lump in my throat and the tears are back. I know he has no respect for me and he has been manipulating me, but I am still grieving. We have 20 years of history and not all of it was bad. It is a hard day.
Understandable. It's hard and sh!tty....
But remember its not about your H respecting you. It's about YOU respecting you. Do you believe that? How can you get to that point....
... because once you do, this will become much easier. It's not that you will demand respectful from others.. it will be that you respect yourself to the point where you won't accept anything less.
((( )))
You are absolutely right KD, and I did do just that. Typically I will decide and set up the initial rotation (Christmas with his family means Easter with mine). So I went ahead and let H make the call this morning and left it at that. I won't bring it up again. I will miss the boys very much but will see them on Monday (they are off from school and I plan to take them to lunch)
My nature is to be honest, respectful and kind. I won't let that change now. I will continue to be that through all of this, and know that my kids will benefit.
Thank you Val, I definitely do get that. It is not always easy to practice (for me) but I will work at it every day. I so appreciate you breaking that down.
I've been busy with work and had a nice lunch with a friend. I am feeling quite good right now. My kids just stopped in my office after school and we had a good laugh, they are super funny kids. I'm so proud of them and glad for the relationship we have.
Autumn.
You'll need to be flexible w/holidays, especially w/older kids.
Im so glad you see that.
Autumn , Kaffe you also need to work this out for the remainder of the year/ number of years before the children can decide. And you should work it out before hand. As there will always be a next time / can we alter it.... I forgot .... I changed my mind.
There will even be times you think/know they "dumped" the kids on you out of an inconvenience.
S17 has a bit of year left. Then its his choice. Not either of yours. But it needs to be worked out for S15.
Without a doubt, chatter...
In autumn's case, they're flying by the seat of their pants right now. Autumn, it would be great if you could get your hands on co-parenting tools and set about working on a kid schedule with your H. There's a couple good (and free) online, shared calendars for this purpose.
That is also great ground work in the event that the D or an SA goes forward, this stuff will likely need to be done anyhow. The more you do now about that, the less it might cost you in legal fees to work this out.
In my case, it's black and white in the SA, but the SA also states "flexibility" as agreed upon by both, at any time... in all fairness, I do like and appreciate the flexibility option... Unfortunately in my case, my W has finally found her "spontaneity" so I usually don't know about changes until the very last moment...
Of course, that hindsight might make me think that I should have had a "week in advance" clause for flexibility... but then again, to fight with my W over the kids... to throw the SA / kid schedule in my W's face... is that really worth it?
Nah... life happens... we need to flow with the go... hear, think, act in positive ways... rather than reacting in negative ways, such as punitive measures...
There will even be times you think/know they "dumped" the kids on you out of an inconvenience.
This I know (feel) all too well. My W appears to choose her monthly weekend based on her social calendar. I've had to work hard on thought stopping the "why is she..." and just enjoying the times I have with my kids...
I don't think I really needed to post the above... but what the heck... I did it, anyhow...
Hi Kaffee what would happen if you were both busy? I am experiencing this with the woman I am dating. Her ex started out by cutting out a few hours here and there. Then it just kept growing and growing. And he is slowly removed himself from being a father. Now she has to address this situation. And get it resolved.
When you allow them to be a parent when they want to you are hurting the children. They are not having the opportunity to redevelop the relationship. Or they figure out that they are a burden. Which is what they are if they are being dumped for a date , concert , short trip, sleep over ... etc.... And they will figure this out soon enough. Which creates more life long issues.
I think that this is an opportunity to set a healthy boundary on communication between you two on the subject of your children. That way it can be communicated to your children in advance so they can be ready as well. This also shows to the children that their well being was taken into account as well. And that the both of you are working together to make sure they have a safe environment at all times.
Remember that the current flexibility is only flexible for one person here. Positive for them. Negative for everyone else. Resentment will grow. It is only a matter of time.
Thanks for that reminder, Chatter... I do need to continue to work on that...
Yes, no matter how we want to believe that we get better at co-parenting, boundaries are still important to have... and to be ready to enforce them...
whether they be schedules, or child discipline, or whatever...
and still remain fully "there" for the kids, just in case... and no matter what...
Chatter and Kaffe.
My xH is a total douche, but youve both given me pause...
At the very least, he is always completely interested in having the boys, and has only had a time or two that he asked me to cover for him... And, it was done ahead of time, respectfully, and no pressure.
Autumn and I have talked offline quite a bit. My xH and her H are pretty similar. I suspect, based on our conversations, and what she's written recently, he'll be involved.
I feel so bad for the kids involved w/your families (tesco's gf). How would you like to be the left behind children?
. Now, Im sad.
Hey mindfull, yeah... you know that saying about being alone in a crowd...
I don't like to talk bad about my W or be judgemental... I believe that she is doing the best she can... she's not aware of how her behaviours or our M break down is really affecting the kids... the lack of empathy that was discussed a while back in the MLC forum...
She's physically there with the kids... and they have moments of "girl time"... but I really don't think that when she's with the kids... that she's really WITH them... KWIM...?
I do get "limited" time with the kids, so perhaps it's easy for me to make the best of the time I have... but I just couldn't fathom sending the kids for sleepovers or getting a baby sitter or what ever, because I want adult time... I get my adult time when my kids aren't with me...
Anyhow, yeah... I can imagine how it must feel for kids who don't really get that parental connection that they need... well... I guess I really can, being an ACOA...
So yes, in your sitch Autumn, you may have few moments of needing to be flexible... just be aware of possible distancing behaviours...
And let me add for clarity... don't just look at your H... look to yourself that you don't begin to request more flexibility, at the cost of your R with your kids...
mmm... just to add for a bit of clarity, although I want this to be an example of abandoning the children under your care, while you are with them...
What I have found my W doing is asking to have the kids for specific weekends... when all her friends are getting together...
In her frame of mind, it is about the kids getting together with the friend's kids... that makes sense, doesn't it...? thing is, these kids are really friends with each other... they don't ask each other to their b-day parties or such... it just happens that it's a gathering of my W's friends (drinking buddies / support group)... but it's about the kids, right...?
So she asks for the kids, then takes them to a party or event and leaves them to their own devices... not quite the quality time that my kids tell me they are anticipating...
So yeah, there is a point where we need OUR time, but we should always be mindful that when we set time aside for quality time with the kids... it should be quality time WITH the kids...
anyhow, like I said... just food for thought, Autumn... be aware of this kind of stuff... act accordingly...
Wow there is some very good information and advice here, I really appreciate all of it. I do think I will need to set a plan. H is so all over the place right now that it will be important to have as much planned as possible, while remaining flexible for the kids sake.
I do think he will be involved. I don't have much concern there. But you just never know what the future holds, or none of us would be here
Last night was interesting, and I did the best I could to stay off the coaster.
H came home early and took the kids golfing to celebrate his bday. I went to dinner with a friend. At 7 I got a text from H saying "do we have dinner plans" Ha!! I replied "I thought you were doing something with the boys"
When I got home they were eating burger, H bbq'd for them
We spent the night apart, and the kids were out. At one point we found ourselves in the same room and I could tell he was feeling his drink. I was now facing angry H.
Earlier in the day some friends called to ask me why H's facebook page was private, you couldn't see posts from anyone but him (yet H can see them). It looked as if nobody had wished him a happy birthday. I wasn't planning to say anything to him about it.
He came to my office after work and my coworker mentioned it. He looked like a cornered cat.
So when angry H came out last night, he was ranting about FB and he didn't change privacy settings. Then he said "you didn't even get me a birthday card, you really got me back. I knew you would do this"
He also said "nobody in your family wished me a happy birthday"
I replied "i wouldn't know, I can't see your facebook page"
That was coincidence, my grandmother posted to him this morning and said "happy birthday, love you"
I woke up this morning feeling very strong. I am going to see my accountant to finalize taxes and plan to call the L when I get into the office later today. I want to see if she will work with me on some type of payment plan
Just got another text from H just now. He fixed the FB settings so his wall his available then he texted me "I also changed my password back, you have full access to my transparent miserable life. Have a blast"
I didn't respond
Just got another text from H just now. He fixed the FB settings so his wall his available then he texted me "I also changed my password back, you have full access to my transparent miserable life. Have a blast"
I didn't respond
Good. Because there's
a) no question there; and
b) nothing that concerns the kids
Autumn, I continue to pray for you, as I do every day. This morning, I got a feeling in my spirit that "angry H" was, indeed going to show his face soon. I didn't know it had already happened, last nite, but remember I did tell you that he will cycle wildly. He may get especially nasty when you stand your ground and say no to ML next time.
Be strong. Pray for wisdom and
DISCERNMENT; you will know when "sincere H" approaches you. This ain't it (yet).
Starsky
Discernment is an absolute prayer. That is the hardest thing to have when it comes to those we know and love. Isn't it sad that we are better able to decipher the intentions of strangers than we are our own families.
Prayers for you Autumn. I think you are doing amazing!
Wow Autumn what a wild ride you been having. Learning alot from your sitch.
So from what I'm reading, your H's depression shows up when he drinks, but then it continued in the morning?
I don't remember, has he ever sought help for that?
Very true Rick, its been a wild ride for sure. Today it feels very good to be off that ride
Kaffe, you are correct, the alcohol definitely exacerbates his depression and it did carry over this morning. He spewed via text for a while and then changed to Mr Nice Guy when I had to tell him about tax meeting. He actually said "next year we will be in better shape due to your business" (shaking head)
In addition to the texts he sent a few emails to "prove his case" about hiding his profile on FB. I have ignored everything other than tax texts.
I feel strong, detached and mostly feeling happy. I am ok today
Listening to music and catching up on some work. It's a good day!
Autumn, I continue to pray for you, as I do every day. This morning, I got a feeling in my spirit that "angry H" was, indeed going to show his face soon. I didn't know it had already happened, last nite, but remember I did tell you that he will cycle wildly. He may get especially nasty when you stand your ground and say no to ML next time.
Be strong. Pray for wisdom and DISCERNMENT; you will know when "sincere H" approaches you. This ain't it (yet).
Starsky
Something feels very different in me and I am not feeling scared or intimidated by his tantrums, silent treatments and sulking. I was always so afraid of him leaving and now I want to hold the door for him. Call it growth, awakening, etc but it feels darn good.
Thank you for your prayers, I really do appreciate them!
Autumn
I'm glad you've reached that point. I think I have decided to end it with my h because I cant deal with the ea and pa which like your signature is enough for me.
I however have not deatched...you are such a strong woman. Don't forget that!
Autumn
I'm glad you've reached that point. I think I have decided to end it with my h because I cant deal with the ea and pa which like your signature is enough for me.
I however have not deatched...you are such a strong woman. Don't forget that!
I think it's important to remember tht LETTING GO isn't the same thing as GIVING UP. Sometimes, you have to let go (think of a drowning person, who's trying to pull you under) in order to save yourself. You may or may not end up with that person; hopefully in a much-healthier relationship. But the great thing about learning to set and enforce boundaries is that if the other person doesn't respond the way you wanted him to, well, YOU COULDN'T HAVE ABIDED THAT PARTICULAR THING ANYWAY (example, "I cannot live in an open marriage," or "I cannot remain in a marriage, nor have my boys exposed to, drug and/or alcohol abuse" . . . or emotional or physical abuse, or any other "biggie."
Since the behavior is something that you COULDN'T HAVE ABIDED ANYWAY . . . that goes against your very CORE BELIEFS AND INTEGRITY . . . than you will eventually see that you didn't really lose anything. Not anything that you would have lived with, in any event.
Lots can still happen. For BOTH of you. Ain't over yet.
Starsky
I'm sorry H&P. You are strong too, hold on to that!
Yes you are right Starsky, and letting go feels very good.
Since the behavior is something that you COULDN'T HAVE ABIDED ANYWAY . . . that goes against your very CORE BELIEFS AND INTEGRITY . . . than you will eventually see that you didn't really lose anything. Not anything that you would have lived with, in any event.
Starsky
^^^So very true!! Precisely what I woke up with this morning, almost verbatim.