hello, i'm new to posting but i've been reading for several months. i'm very confused at to what to do. my husband told me in december that he wanted a divorce. we have been married 14 1/2 years. he has three children and i have one. all are adults. however, he is 9 years younger than i and his kids are younger. we have always had difficulties with how we each view his kids. they were with us every other weekend and all vacations for the first five years but i could no longer take them on vacations after that because it never seemed like a vacation to me with them along. i did all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, etc. whenever they were with us.
near the five year mark, we sought marriage counseling because we let our different feelings about the kids come between us. the counselor advised my husband that the marriage had to come first. my husband thought i was too strict with them (i expected them to brush their teeth, make their beds, and pick up their clothes and towels off the floor and that's pretty much it). my husband would reverse things with them that i had instated (no computer for the day because of fighting over it) without talking to me first. he was the good guy, i was the bad guy.
when each child's child support check stopped, their mother would move to a smaller house with one less bedroom. when the middle son got kicked out (age 19), i suggested we take him in with us. it was ok, not ideal, but he was a pretty good kid. when the youngest got kicked out, i suggested she come with us, too. shortly thereafter, the son moved out and we only had the daughter (age 20 at that time).
the daughter, who had really been my favorite of the three kids until she moved in, became very hard to live with. she was moody, sullen, ungrateful (would bring her boyfriend over and cook for him on a regular basis without any contribution to the food, would have girlfriends stay with us for days at a time, all without asking or contributing), and manipulating. her attitude was completly different when her dad was around. he would work out of town 6 months of the year and during the day when he was in town. i was retired so it was mostly her and i together.
our relationship continued to deteriorate and i wrongfully took it out on my husband. i felt trapped and did not know how to get her out since i knew he did not want to make her go. the final straw was she she pointed to her father one morning and stated loudly and firmly to me, "what's his is mine!" i finally suggested we sell the house and move back to another home we have. that's when i told him i could no longer live with her. i was very afraid he would choose her over me to live with. to my surprise, he suggested we put her up in a rental we own (kicked out a very good paying renter) and let her live there for a very small rent (to cover taxes and ins.). this is the first time she has had to pay for herself as we let her stay for free with us (even though she has an inheritance in the bank of over $10,000 and did not work for the first seven months of living with us). she is a college student and all her education is pre-paid.
she lived with us for 2 1/2 years and her brother for 2 years prior to that while he was in college. all totaled, it was 4 1/2 years of living with adult steps and i became bitter and resentful (mostly, the last year).
even after we moved back together, the damage was done to our relationship. i think my husband feels that i would never be able to have a good relationship with his kids and that they (mostly the daughter) would not want to be around me so he's giving up and "wants to be happy". he says there's no other woman.
when he told me he wanted a divorce, i lost it. i did all i was not supposed to do; beg, cry, ask for another chance. i think now that i was mainly feeling abandoned. he had always told me that if i helped him for the 11 years he had to pay child support, he would support me for the years after i retired and that he continued to work.
since i've had time to reflect, i've come to believe that i will always be in the "backseat" and he and his children will come first. he refused to go to marriage counseling because he said that the last time we went, "i had to do everything". pretty telling. he does not want to stop dealing with his marriage and kids the way he wants to do it and a MARRIAGE counselor may tell him that it would be necessary to save the relationship.
i've read DB and DR and am reading "relationship rescue" by dr. phil, plus several other books ("getting past your breakup: how to turn a devastating loss into the best thing that ever happened to you"). any thoughts? y'all are so very wise and patient.
Welcome to the board.
Divorce = SPACE
He is asking for SPACE, give it to him.
Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what he say and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
I'm sure if you are here you want to work things out. Sounds like kids are all at age where they should be out on their own so maybe situation with them will improve. The most common advise is better YOURSELF, concentrate on yourself and not your spouse. Workout, get in shape, maybe pickup a hobby, change your look some, and spend time with friends. Engage your spouse in relationship talks only when they bring it up. Your husband does not want to be chased at this point. You don't have kids together, maybe you find out in process you would be happier with someone else or maybe it works out with him. Dragging a unwilling spouse to counselling is never really helpful.
i'm giving him space now. he even asked for it. i'm visiting my sister in ohio and it's much easier to detach than when i'm home alone. he works out of town during the week and can come home on weekends but has chosen not to. at least here, i'm not walking on egg shells and trying to figure out what he's thinking or how to say something correctly.
i am trying to make myself a better person, one day at a time. i'm trying to have more compassion and empathy for everyone i come into contact with. it's so easy sometimes to forget that we are all in this "human race" together and all plodding along as best we think we can.
i've also started getting involved with things to take my mind off the situation. i took some ballroom dance lessons and have put all my photographs that were stored in boxes and tins into photo albums for my son to have one day. i put them all in chronological order (as best as i could) so he would have a photo history of my life, his father's, and his own after i'm gone. it's something i've been meaning to do for years.
i'm also getting out with my sister to a local jazz club (in the kroger grocery store, of all places) and that's been so much for for me and for her. it's wonderful to listen to good music and watch people having fun!
i've spiffed up my wardrobe some, too. i put off clothes purchases for a long time, trying to save money for all the things my husband wanted (houses, boats, rental properties, child support) but now i'm enjoying looking good. i lost 50 lbs. so i feel much better about myself and my appearance.
my biggest fear is returning home next week. my husband will be back from out-of-town work and i'm so afraid to be around him. it will be so unnatural. he does not initiate physical affection and that's one of my top love languages so it will be hard to not touch. his top love language is doing things together so we'll see if he initiates some of that. very scary...
Sounds like you are off to great start! The hardest thing for the one being left (same deal with me) is accepting that can't control your spouse or your relationship, you can only control yourself.
I have a family member who remarried and each of them had children. His W left him once b/c of his kids. I think she had to be assured that she came before his kids before she returned to the M. Years later, his kids are still awful excuses for adults, but the M lasted.
Here's the point I want to make....there were three sides that needed to realize who came first in that family relationship. Your H needed to know who he put first. His children needed to know. And, you needed to know. It seems as if you know how it should be (the H & W come first with each other), but sadly, your H does not realize he should place his W first or has chosen to make the wrong decision.
As long as he chooses to give his grown children first place in his life, he will not be the man he needs to be in a M with you (or any woman). He's passive and his kids take advantage. That puts you in the category of "bad guy" from now on. There is only one person who can change that, and he apparently doesn't want to.
Talking to him about this situation will not change his mind. He has to figure it out for himself. At some point, my family member opened his eyes and realized he was not as happy without his W as he was when she was there. At some point, he stood up to his kids and let them hear from him...not his wife, that she came first. They were shocked!
I strongly encourage you to know what you want, be realistic, and then make goals to to set about accomplishing those things.
You can be the one he wants to be with, but right now he doesn't seem to get it. What can you do to be the woman a man would fight to have her in his life?
thanks to both of you. sandi, i'm afraid what you're saying is exactly what i've been thinking and it breaks my heart because i love my husband but if he would continue to put his adult children's happiness before ours, i can't see how we can stay together. i would be constantly afraid of saying or doing something that he would interpret as rejecting towards them. however, they've rejected me on numerous occations (don't call me on mother's day or my birthday and don't thank me, only their father, for gifts from us). my husband doesn't like it when i complain of a double standard but it's there.
i have a delemia now: his birthday is in a couple of weeks (april 6). on my birthday, he gave me an impersonal card that could have been sent to a co-worker. i told him it was sad that this card didn't say what our cards used to say (all that lovey-dovey stuff) and he let the dam break; i don't love you, i don't want to kiss you, i don't want to touch you or hug you, i only let you kiss and hug me because it makes you feel good...
we were supposed to go out to dinner but i told him that i was not hungry and got into my pajamas. well, we started have cocktails (weird, i know). me, to deaden the pain and probably him, too. we ended up dancing with each other (he loves to dance), me showing him how i learned to do the "texas two step" and we later had great sex! in fact, i was around him for about 6 weeks after the bomb and we had more sex than we've had for the past year! talk about mixed messages!
my question is this: should i get him a birthday gift and show that i'm not a vengeful person because i really like to give him gifts. should i get a card and if so, an impersonal card would seem like score keeping. or should i just say happy birthday on the morning of his birthday and get over it? i'm sure his family (mother, sisters, and kids) will probably have something for him that i'm not invited to (no one has spoken to me since the bomb). they usually go camping on the easter weekend and his birthday is on good friday this year.
i have a gift but i'm thinking of returning it, wishing him happy birthday in a nice way, and just making sure i have things to do that keep me away from the house so i'm not just sitting there being a martyr. this is all so confusing and i feel so lost. you'd think at my age, i would be so in control of my life and i'm just like a child now; wandering around, wondering if i'm making the right choices, lost and afraid.
thank you all for your input and help. God sent me here.
xoxo
well, i took the present back. i figured he would feel pressured to be like we were and i don't want that. in addition, i would really feel uncomfortable giving him a gift when his behavior towards me on my birthday was so cruel. it would definately be pursuing...even i can see that now.
You did the right thing by taking the gift back to the store. In your case, I say no BD card for him.
i'm heading home tomorrow and very apprehensive to be around my husband again. i'm afraid of taking the bait or not validating correctly. any suggestions on what i should do or say when he says:
how can i ever be happy with you again?
i don't have any dreams with you anymore!
i've listed the good and the bad about you and the bad outweighs the good.
you're evil.
i pushed my kids away for you!
statements like these aways take me by surprise and i usually end up getting defensive and trying to "correct" his memories. i know i shouldn't but i'm at a loss. i don't know how to deal with the distortions and the absolutes...
thanks for any guidance.
My suggestion is that you stay out of R conversations. If he persists with statements like that, then look at him and listen. However, don't say anything in response. When you
can...nod your head, and when you can't agree then don't nod or shake your head...just listen.
how can i ever be happy with you again?
"I can't make your happiness for you. We each have to make ourselves happy." (Then leave it at that. It will be tempting to add how you want another chance, but don't. Let him do the talking.)
i've listed the good and the bad about you and the bad outweighs the good.
"Okay".
you're evil.
i pushed my kids away for you!
No response to statements like this. Just don't take the bait. I know it would be extremely hard for me not to come back with a whole dialog, but you would be saying "more" by not saying anything to him. After his spew, walk away from him.
That response (by saying nothing) will make a bigger statement and will cause him to think.
If you are bracing yourself for when he comes home, then I'm sure he is also. He will think you have a ton to say. When you don't respond like you once did, it will catch him off balance, and that will be what he thinks about later.
It doesn't mean you agree when you don't say anything to his verbal attack, it just means you are listening.
wow, sandi, you are so wise! thank you so much for helping me. i really am all caught up in this and it's hard to figure out how to handle it all since it's so foreign. it's always so tempting to respond, correct, or defend. it's hard to remember that i don't HAVE to respond at all and just listen. i've decided to try to count to 3 in my head, breathe deeply several times, and then choose the appropriate way to handle. it's just so hard when i'm under attack. but, i'm going to try harder.
on my GAL front, i've just booked a cruise with my son and his family for later in the month. i'm not sure how to handle it with my husband as he will be in the same house with me when i pack and when i leave (at least that's what i think now).
any suggestions on how to let him know i'm going? do i let him know where and with whom or just keep it vague? i know he won't be happy about it because he seems to be happiest when i just sit home and feel punishment and misery... ;-)
i'm also going to call for an appointment with an IC today to help me deal with my life, now, in the past, and in the future, no matter what happens.
thanks to all who are on here. without your stories and guidance, i'd be lost and really making lots of mistakes.
hello helpers, another question; should i continue cooking dinner for my husband when he comes home? i'm retired and he's not. if i want to be the woman he would never want to leave, shouldn't i continue making dinner for him and bringing him his coffee in the morning? or would i be pursuing and being a doormat? this is all so confusing for me.
i have been almost totally dark for several weeks. he does not contact me, either (he's working out of town until tomorrow). i think he found out i went to ohio to visit my sister three weeks ago and that upset him (long story about an old flame i saw at a reunion last august while he was with me but not more than that, no flirting or anything but he seemed insecure about it).
thanks for any help you can offer!
i've just booked a cruise with my son and his family for later in the month. i'm not sure how to handle it with my husband as he will be in the same house with me when i pack and when i leave (at least that's what i think now).
any suggestions on how to let him know i'm going? do i let him know where and with whom or just keep it vague? i know he won't be happy about it because he seems to be happiest when i just sit home and feel punishment and misery... ;-)
Would he not hear about through your son or family? If not, then this is what I'd do. If it were me, I would not mention it until time to pack. I would tell him in a very nonchalant fashion and then proceed to the bedroom to start packing. That way, it would not appear as if you were looking for his permission to go, and also it would give you something to do with your hands and keep you busy instead of waiting to see his reaction to your news. If he starts storming around, you just keep calm and go about your packing. Pay no attention to his reaction. But, I
would tell him when and where you were going just b/c it's a
cruise and that's pretty big in my book. However, the main point here is that you are to act as if it's
nothing really. You don't make a big "announcement" about it. Just kind of "in passing". Then immediately go start packing. Let him ask who you're going with, etc. I would be honest and tell him it's with your son's family.....but just don't volunteer the information. Wait for him to ask. If he doesn't ask....oh well. (Seriously, he'll find out if he wants to know.) It's important that you not allow his behavior to stop you from leaving and having a good time.
should i continue cooking dinner for my husband when he comes home? i'm retired and he's not. if i want to be the woman he would never want to leave, shouldn't i continue making dinner for him and bringing him his coffee in the morning? or would i be pursuing and being a doormat? this is all so confusing for me.
Well, do you enjoy cooking for him? Does he seem to appreciate it or does he take it for granted? Does he think that is part of your "job"?
Taking him coffee!! You mean, while he's in
bed?
(Just kidding)
I'm sure all men would like that kind of pampering. That's how I think of it....pampering. Now other women may not. I would find it hard to pamper a man who mistreats me and is disrespectful to me. To me, that would be too much like a doormat.
As for as continuing cooking or taking him coffee b/c that is being "the woman he would never want to leave".......well, you've been doing that all along, so my question would be, how's that working? Not trying to be a smarty mouth, and I understand your question, but sometimes you have to shake things up! He may be so spoiled to being treated like a king that he doesn't even think about it. I grant you
my H would notice if I brought him coffee in bed! But, he would not treat me disrespectful, either.
My suggestion would be cut out the coffee and see what happens. Try leaving his dinner on the stove while you go out to GAL. You don't have to do it every night, but once in a while.....to shake things up. He needs to realize what a jewel he has in you, and how will he know unless he misses it?
If he is not home for dinner....he doesn't get any....sorry.
thank you luv and sandi,
i will try to remain detached and calm and matter-of-fact. i asked him back in january if he wanted to take a cruise with me to try to get our relationship back on track and to feel some closeness and warmth towards each other again but he declined. my son and DIL then invited me this month so i accepted because i will have time with my grandkids and it should be fun (and i'm GAL).
as for the coffee, yes, i have been bringing him coffee in bed every morning for many years. i usually get up before him and i bring his coffee to help him wake up and then we USED to sit together and talk for about 30 minutes before we had to get ready for the day.
now that he's decided to sleep in the other room, i make the coffee but don't bring it to him in that room. he comes out and gets it himself but then we sit and talk for a while (only superficial stuff now). i don't mind cooking for him since i'm retired and have to eat, too, but i will probably only do it two or three times and week now and leave it on the counter if he gets home late.
i have pampered him a lot during our marriage. i handle all the finances (banking, bill paying) and all our correspondence and bookkeeping (rental properties), pretty much everything to keep the wheels turning for our household. i do all the cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, laundry and he does the outside work; yard, repairs, autos. we've been a good team in the past. the problems have always been how we deal with his kids (adults now).
i always thought that once they became 18 and graduated from high school, our financial obligations towards them would be pretty much over and we would then be able to focus on our marriage and our time together.
well, it didn't happen that way. their mom kept putting them out, one at a time, and i volunteered to take them in, one at a time. at one point, we had two of them while they are in college. the son was ok but the daughter was very hard to live with and it caused our marriage to suffer.
i appreciate all your help and encouragement in my situation. what was supposed to be my "golden years" in my retirement has become a nightmare. but the pain and anxiety are lessening and i feel i have a little more control over my emotions but i've yet to be put to the test with my husband's presence since feb. 10th, when i came home and stopped trying to be with him (to make him enjoy my company again!).
i see my IC tomorrow. she is "solution based" so i'm looking forward to it. wish me luck and thank you all again!
really suffering today. it's as if the bomb was dropped a second time. i've been physically separated from H for 7 weeks while he worked out of town. he came home on friday night. he went straight into the guest room to bed (he had played golf all day and had some drinks). it was only 8:30 so i went in and asked if he was going to bed so soon. one thing led to another i became upset that his mother had been the one to help him move back. ( i know i was wrong to show irritation but i had a few glasses of wine-no excuse). we did have sex...?
the next morning, i told him that i had been thinking it over a lot and agree that we can't be together. it was as if a load had been lifted from his shoulders. we talked for hours. we talked about all the problems we've had together and how we could have done better. HOWEVER, he still wants a divorce. he cried all day yesterday and all day, off and on today. i don't understand this. he says he's crying because of all the bad memories but he now hugs me and tells me he loves me and that i'm a fine person??
he's going to stay at his mother's house because he says it's too hard to stay here with me. he says he cries too much when he's with me. until i said i agreed with the divorce, he was only angry and would never initiate physical contact. now he hugs me when i cry, tells me he loves me, even KISSED (briefly) when we hugged.
and yet, he talks about getting an appraiser to the house so we can find out how much he will have to give me for my share and using the kelly blue book for the boat value. each time he talks about the divorce and separating our belongings, it hurts so much, especially, since now he is being so kind, caring, and almost loving again! is he just so grateful that i'm agreeing to get out of his life? it's killing me to have the best of him and the worst of this nightmare together.
when he's not around, i can almost believe i will be ok and better off without him but it's painful. he wants to take me to dinner on wednesday night...
i tried being pleasant but otherwise detached and that does not work with him. he says that me being vulnerable is what gets his heart. i have been so tough and distance with him the last few years because of having to live with his adult children, i think he's looking for a softer side of me but still telling me that it's too late.
i'm so sad right now. i will have to leave my home and move. i advised him today that even though i'm agreeing to this, i will not handle any of the details. he wants to try to use a divorce mediator instead of attorneys to save money. he says i can have anything i want in the house. i told him i will be fair but not generous since i'm retired and will need to sell anything i can't use to fund my life.
one thing he did say was when i advised him about splitting his pension. he said he had not thought about that. i told him that i think he's in for a shock as to how much he will have to give me. he will have to take out a mortgage on our primary home to pay me off. he doesn't have that now. he will have to sell three rental properties, one of his two boats, and pay me for an SUV we have to tow the boat and an enclosed trailer that he will need to keep. he said, he had been thinking about that some but how much did i think it would be since, "as they say, it's cheaper to keep her".
WTF?? any ideas on what's going on here? i'm so confused and lost. i sometimes think he just wants to get on with the wonderful life of living by himself and doing whatever he wants to do.
It kind of sounds like my H at the beginning of our separation. He was all over the place. Keeps saying he wants a divorce, is convinced it's the best thing for him, and is also taken aback at the potential financial settlement. He hadn't expected to have to give over so much. Shows moments of love and then coldness - mostly via email. In person, he's been nuetral.
It's like they are having a battle between their heads and their hearts. They still love us, but their left brain has gotten in the way. So, they are all confused.
It was driving me nuts, so I decided to just get on with my life the best way without him, while he figures himself out. I remain pleasant and positive everytime we email, and I do miss him terribly still (3 months now) but what else to do?
I'm curious to see what others might advise.
thank you, yc. at least i know someone else has experienced this. i saw my therapist today and she said that his crying does not mean he wants to stay together but could just be relief and sadness. of course, it's not what i want to hear.
i sent him a list of individual counselors that are approved by our insurance. we only have a $15 co-pay.
i wrote this:
"H, i had another counseling session this morning. it helps me so much. it helps me to think about what i want and how i can get there. i think we are both in pain. i think everyone who goes through what we are going through, and what we've gone through, is in pain. i think it would also help you to be able to talk to someone and our insurance only requires a $15 co-pay. pretty good investment, in my opinion. sometimes we are doomed to repeat things that we can overcome with help and understanding. i've included this list of approved counselors for us (our mental health administrator is "Blank").
my counselor is in (our city) so you needn't worry about any conflict of interest. i picked ones here that are near the office, if you're interested.
just a thought. i really want the best for you (and me!).
W"
as i've said before, LRT does not work with him. he likes kind words and feeling loved. with him, it's "out of sight, out of mind".
i sent him a text last night after thinking about our weekend of rehashing all our problems in our marriage:
"I saw this: talking about your marriage problems makes you relive them (along with the pain). I don't want any more pain and it kills me to see you in pain. Moving forward, I only want to be kind to you. I'm so sorry for the pain I have caused one of the sweetest people on earth. I've been so wrong about so much but the way we talk about it brings out my defenses (fears) and that's not good because it makes you feel that I don't understand YOUR feelings. I do. It's hard to say so when someone is telling you how awful you've been but I know it. Im not refuting your feelings. I will try to never hurt you again. If I don't communicate that well, please know that that is my motive. I hope one day you will look back on me with a loving heart and remember more of my goodness and thoughtfulness. I have to keep a positive mindset so I think I had better not talk about hurtful things. I can promise you that I'm listening and learning but it's for my sake that I am since I'm the only one I can control (and sometimes I have problems there but i am working on it). I am your friend and will always feel love for you."
He sent back:
"Thank you for your kind words, I can see the wisdom in your words. I do see your kindness in a lot of ways. Enjoy your days"
And two hours later, he sent another text:
"I do know lots of your goodness & thoughtfulness ( T & G ) I will try to remember and send one a day. Today's is: the hard work and caring you gave my mom after the Hurricane damage to her home."
so, at least we are speaking positively and lovingly to each other. he sent me another text today with something i had done for him and his kids that he thought was thoughtful and good.
however, he still makes statements like "where we are" (alluding to divorcing) so it makes him being so kind to me so much harder to bear. i cannot talk of divorce. it makes me sick to my stomach. i've agreed we would be better off but i really don't think so. i think (of course, or i wouldn't be here) that we can work on us and come out better than before. our time to be together is here, we've succeeded in life and have the finances to do it but he's departed from that dream. he's even said to me once, "i don't have any dreams with you anymore".
i don't know what to do other than to keep trying to make myself a better person, GAL (going to grandson's baseball game tonight), and continue to validate his feelings.
thanks for any help and comments from anyone out there. i could not make it if it weren't for this community.
one of my husband's biggest problems with me is that when i felt our relationship crumbling and felt as if he were abandoning our marriage (and me), i told him i had decided to buy a condo in my home town to get closer to "my family, my friends, and my hometown" since everything in our marriage has mostly been about his family, his friends, and we live in his hometown.
he has told me that buying that condo was "as close to cheating as you could have gotten". i've come to realize that it was an afront to his masculinity and a major pulling away from him. he decided then to divorce me.
i've been thinking about it and i know i went too far with trying to protect myself from a perceived abandonment. he's always told me he doesn't care for the "tough" me (even though he did in the beginning). his first wife was so indicisive and unmotivated.
i texted him today that i shouldn't have bought the condo. that's all. i didn't expect a response. when i talked to him, he told me that he's glad for my sake that i'm happy with my realization (in other words, don't try to use this to get me back).
i then texted him that "i am telling you these things to make amends for the pain i've caused, not to get you to stay married to me. i cannot stay married to you. i love you."
then he called me and talked about it. he said, again, that it was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. we talked some more and i told him that this is the worst thing i've ever been through since the death of my father. he said it's worse than the death of his.
i need guidance. LRT does not work for him. he has said he can't move on talking to me because it's too hard on him. yet, he texted me just now with an example of an action of mine that he thinks is good and thoughtful. so he's making the effort to make me feel good about how he feels about me and say positive things. yet...he's at his mother's.
he has agreed to go to IC for himself.
any insights or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
i'm feeling kinda lonely on here...can anyone offer any insight or advice?
thank you!
It's going to hurt no matter what. This takes time to get through and you have to feel the hurt but not let the hurt control your life.
LRT does not work for him.
I'm not sure I understand this. What do you mean?
LRT is for you, it allows you to begin to heal, to get away from the emotion and reactivity. From reading your posts it sounds like just what you need right now as you are all over the place.
Cadet always gives the advice:
Divorce means he wants space. Give him space. All of the other stuff might just be H's attempts to assuage his guilt.
Work on you, You are the only actor in this play that you can control.
thanks labug. i never thought of it that way. it seems that when i was in no contact with him, it was easier for him to be angry with me and feel more positive about how he's doing the right thing leaving me.
now, he's kinder, texting me nice things about me and our life, and really responding AND initiating contact. it hurts to think that it's a way to make it easier on himself...but that could be the absolute truth and i need to face it. oh, it's so hard. i want so desparately to fix this. i want it to be over and to be back together as husband and wife.
of course, i'm hopeing that if he goes to IC he will discover that he wants to be married to me more that not... am i hopeless here?
also, when i said LRT does not work with him, it's because he interprets that as me being "hard" and "tough". he wants to see a softer side of me because i always resort to putting a wall up and letting him know i can live without him. so he see LRT as more of the same and I THINK, more kind texts and sweet words as 180's. does that make sense?
thank you so much for looking in.
also, when i said LRT does not work with him, it's because he interprets that as me being "hard" and "tough". he wants to see a softer side of me because i always resort to putting a wall up and letting him know i can live without him. so he see LRT as more of the same and I THINK, more kind texts and sweet words as 180's. does that make sense?
thank you so much for looking in.
Did he tell you these things or are you mind-reading?
Also, I'm unclear on what you want. I thought I read that you said the marriage was over and you realized you 2 couldn't be together, or something to that affect. Am I right?
Can you clearly state your goal? I know this is very hard, and you're in pain but try to envision the person you want to be.
thanks for your response. i'm so sorry my posts are confusing. they are a reflection of the condition of my mind. some days i think i don't even know which way is "up"...
he actually told me, "when you show me your vulnerability, you have my heart". i was in LRT for four weeks until this past friday. i would get zero communication from him. after i told him i agreed we could not continue our marriage, he let down his guard and finally began speaking to me, showing me physical affection and caring. yesterday and early this morning, he texted me loving messages. today's was about my trip to see my dying first husband. he said, "i could hear your inner heart. so sweet."
so, the LRT was not working and the vulnerability and kindness are, at least they appear to be. he's communicating with me and he's initiating it.
what do i want? what day is it? one day i think, ok, i'm going to be better off without him and i'll be happier not trying to watch everything i say and do. the next day, i'm so devistated and lonely for him and scared, i don't want to lose him.
to be honest, when i'm in LRT and no contact, that's when i feel better about my life without him. and i know that's what he's feeling, too, because he told me so. he said he can't sleep in the same bed because he would want to be close. he can't live with me because it makes it too hard for him to try to move forward.
my REAL goal, if i'm completely honest and go deep into my heart, is to stay married to him. he has his flaws but he's a good man. he's selfish and controlling and he comes with a lot of baggage (three adult children) but i love him and i think we can make our marriage better than before if we're both willing to. i'm just trying to wait him out.
i don't want to lose him.
Have you read Codependent No More? Might be helpful to you.
Where in OH is your sister?
no, labug, i have not read it. i'll check it out. i think i am addicted to him now so maybe i need it?
my sister is in columbus.
journaling:
i think i know what i'm facing now. my husband thinks my relationship with his adult daughter is so bad that it is beyond repair and he can't be married to me. this is hard. it's so sad that it comes down to this. couple this belief with the bad relationship he and i have had for the past few years and it's led him to believe we are dead.
i can't figure out how to fix this. i know i'm not supposed to try to fix it but that's all i've been wanting to do. i believe it's unfixable.
has anyone out there ever seen a marriage recover from broken stepmother/stepchild relationship? i think i'm just going to have to throw in the towel. i feel so inconsequential to their lives; like i've been used for the past 16 years to keep all of them (H and his kids) happy.
i've always felt like i was in the backseat to all of them and now i've been thrown out of the car and told to walk while they ride away together. am i selfish to believe a man should put his marriage first? even as i write this i know it was a no-win situation. 75% of second marriages with step children end in divorce. being a step mother was the hardest job i ever had to do. especially, with a husband who was full of guilt and afraid of losing his kids' love.
my God, i know all is lost now. he's put his wall up now but not to protect himself; to protect his kids from me. i don't feel any hope for us now. i feel sick. i feel so discouraged and hopeless.
that's why he cries. he knows it, too. he loves me so much but he loves his kids more and he feels there's nothing he can do but divorce me and be happy with someone else someday who will not have a history with them and will like them.
it hurts so badly because i know it would be so hard to have any kind of relationship with him, too. there would always be that between us. he would be watching to see if i was irritated with them or they were uncomfortable with me whenever they were around us.
soooo sad to feel this way. so much pain. so hopeless.
Scared, looks like we are a couple of nite owls. Do you live on west coast? I'm feeling you and I are at same place with no hope. I can't give you good advice like the vets, but I've pretty much detached, he's so going to do what he is doing and nothing I do at this point will change his mind. In fact we are going into probably ugly negotiations about property settlement he will never feel positive about me. But I have to protect myself.
You should not be back seat to his kids. I think you are right about his guilt.
I also think he will have trouble with anyone new because he doesn't have his priorities straight. His kids will move on, they grow up and move out of our lives. Mine did. Hang in there and know people here care about you. Fondly
thank you, hopeless. yes, i can't sleep through the nights anymore. and my mind races when i awaken so i figure i might as well put it to good use and seek advice and guidance on here.
i live in florida.
i don't look forward to the settlement part. i don't think my husband is aware or how much he will have to give me. it will be much harder on him, financially, but it's his choice so he will have to live with it.
i will have to live within a smaller budget, too. not what i had pictured for my retirement and not what he had promised me 15 years ago. i wish i had gotten that promise in writing!
thank you for your support. this is my lifeline here. i read everyone's stories and get inspired, consoled, and scared yet, hopeful.
i hope you have a calm day (that's what i want).
I'm sorry you had a rough night. I can relate to the sleeplessness. I hope today is a better day for you
(((( ))))))
I am seeing a therapist who gave me something to help me sleep. It is very low dose anti-anxiety med, but taken at night helps me sleep. Without it I was going nights with between one! and five hours sleep, usually waking at least every 2 hours.
If I don't sleep I make all sorts of M-harming mistakes with the result of pushing H further out the door.
I am also not as attentive and patient with the kids (often snap which I don't like, nor does the H) and can't work, so this medication has helped.
I would have said I was anti-medication before this happened, but this is probably one of the worst things you will ever have to deal with, so I say, with careful Dr. supervision, do what you must.
Scared,
I know this sounds trite, but trust me, it DOES get better. Considering how recently he moved out, this is going to be one of your darkest periods right now. Feel free to cry it out (just not in front of him), and post often, both here and to others (as you have). It helps.
Starsky
I asked where your sister lives because I'm originally from Ohio, but further south than Columbus. It's a good place to be from.
I don't think you are wrong in expecting a man to put his wife first and I think that's the crux of this problem. For whatever reason, he can't do that. Maybe there's guilt related to the first marriage. Whatever the reason there's nothing you can do to change him.
Work on yourself but don't expect to feel wonderful right away. You won't. Each day do something for you.
Do you have a lawyer?
And as for your H crying, try not to read too much into that. Who really knows shy he cries other than him. The fact remains that he is divorcing you as painful as that is to realize.
Take care of yourself. Work on yourself. Be good to yourself.
Val posted this to needgrace yesterday:
DBing is difficult at first because you are so scared. Your life gets turned upside down and you FEEL like you have lost all control of your life...
... so when DB says let them go, don't pursue... it's counter-intuitive to all the feelings you have.
Because you hope that if you hold on tighter.. they may change their mind.
But the fact is.. you have already lost them.
and understanding and accepting that you have already lost them.. is an extremely hard thing to come to terms with.
It's hard in the beginning to hold back our hope or to do things w/o expecting our spouses to notice or come back...
... this does not makes us bad people... it makes us people who are scared.
Whether we are scared about what life will look without our spouse or with our spouse. Scared that we will NEVER heal, never be happy, never smile or laugh again...
whatever it is... we are just scared of the unknown.
And it isn't until we look that fear and tell it to fvck off that we truly grasp DBing.. That's when it becomes easier.
That's when we are no longer afraid to let go or make the changes. That's when are no longer afraid to love our spouse w/o fear of the outcome.
It is my belief that DBing brings out the best in all of us.. and if our spouses can't see it... well we've done everything we can.....
.... and we can move on knowing our next R will be so much better, because we took the time and put in the work to become better.
Hang in there!
thank you starsky and labug. i brings tears to my eyes that you seem to care more about me than my husband of 15 years.
it's so hard to let go of something that feels that the very fabric of my being. it's as if i'm cutting off my own limb.
i don't have a lawyer, yet. my husband has expressed a desire to enlist a mediator to help us instead of two lawyers to save money. i have thought about getting a consultation to find out what i should do but i also don't want to provoke him or make the process begin. i have told him that i will not do the work to make this happen as i usually do all the leg work for things that we want to make happen. he will have to get it done. i've also told him i will not discuss details with him; only with a third party. i don't want to get down and dirty with someone who is supposed to care about me (ha!).
i know i've already lost him. i was looking on line this morning for small apartment rentals. it hurts so much to be in this place where i'm looking for a place to live by myself. i was in the grocery store yesterday, and an elderly woman (older than me) was in line behind me. she didn't have a wedding ring on. she was getting just a few things that appeard to be geared towards a solitary life. i wanted to die.
SS,
Even if you get a mediator (which I'm generally in favor of), both parties should STILL either retain, or hire-by-the-hour, their OWN FAMILY LAW ATTORNEY to advise on the final mediated agreement before you sign off on it.
In fact, any good mediator worth their salt will also tell you that.
Starsky
you're right, starsky. when i comes to signing anything or agreeing to anything, i will have legal counsel. i not only have to look our for myself but also for my son and grandkids.
Excellent.
It is okay to HAVE emotions -- even very STRONG emotions -- during a difficult time such as this. You just don't want to be basing any DECISIONS upon them.
Starsky
thank you, starsky. thanks for helping me feel better and taking an interest in me.
btw, i LOVED that movie, "heaven can wait". i've watched it many times! i remember the endscene very well!
It's one of my all-time favorite movies. I still get the chills when Julie Christie looks at Warren Beatty and says "Wait . . . you're the quarterback, aren't you!"
if anyone out there has accuray's post about resentment, will you please give me the link? i've been looking for it but i can't seem to get there...
thank you, i need it.
if anyone out there has accuray's post about resentment, will you please give me the link? i've been looking for it but i can't seem to get there...
thank you, i need it.
I've pinged him. He should be here by soon. :-)
thank you, ro! i'm still new at navigation here.
Hi Scaredsilly,
I haven't had time to read your stich but RoRo said you were looking for a couple links. I'll come back and help more, but here are a couple posts for now. I've been posting a lot on JKS, HopingandPraying and Hurt84 lately.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...334#Post2238334http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...963#Post2236963You can read those for now if you want and I'll help later!
Accuray
Ok, I'm up to speed. I'm not sure if I can help you or not because I certainly haven't walked in your shoes, but I'll try. Feel free to correct or dismiss me if I'm off base.
When I was reading your initial post, I was thinking "scaredsilly doesn't set and enforce boundaries". I was feeling like you were letting your stepchildren steamroll you and cry to daddy as it were whenever you would try to crack down. The stories about your stepchildren made me nuts. Did you ever watch that show "Nanny911"? The "recipe" for poorly behaved kids on that show was a mother who screamed and yelled but never really enforced anything, and a father who was just checked out and didn't participate in the parenting beyond complaining to the mother that she was yelling at the kids too much.
I'm not saying you play that role, but it seems like your husband may, that he doesn't effectively parent. He wants the love but not the hard work.
I started second guessing myself when you talked about the fact that he felt you were too strict with the kids, maybe you DO enforce your boundaries.
Here's where I'm uncertain -- you can indicate displeasure but then not enforce it. The problem with that is that everyone involved is stuck in a repeating pattern. "I don't like this, but I don't feel strongly enough to make a big issue of it". That lets the offender continue to offend, and everyone to feel badly about your reaction to the whole situation. They know you're unhappy, you're probably unpleasant to be around, the bad behavior continues, lather, rinse, repeat.
If that's your cycle, then creating and enforcing consequences would be the way to break out. If the stepdaughter cooks for friends and doesn't contribute to grocery expenses, you stop putting anything in the refrigerator until what she took is replaced, and you don't give in. You adopt a zero tolerance policy until things are better. This, of course, assumes that your expectations are realistic, and that you've made them known ahead of time. Since this woman is living in her father's house, and she never had to pay for food growing up, she may reasonably expect that she can take what she likes. You'd need to set the expectation up front that you don't enjoy grocery shopping for SD's friends, and that if SD wants to cook for them you expect she'll contribute to the grocery budget and clean up whatever mess she makes. It's all about setting and managing expectations.
What do you think? Do you think you've had unspoken rules?
Do you think you've had lines and boundaries but didn't take action to enforce them?
Did you get stuck in repeating patterns of disappointment?
The other thing I was thinking is that these kids bully you because they know they have more influence with their father than you do. I was wondering if confronting them directly to "clear the air" would help. The stereotypical bully situation is that if you take on the bully, they'll then start to respect you and a friendship can develop. Have you tried to just have it out with them directly? Let them know where you stand, what you'll tolerate, and what you will not?
It seems like your relationship with the stepdaughter will have to get worse before it gets better, but that until you make peace with her, there will be no peace with H.
H clearly feels torn between you and his kids, understands the tension there between you, and can't bring himself to side with you over them. This bothers you, and becomes a wedge in your marriage that creates a constant force to drive you apart. I would imagine that H wants relief from that tension more than anything, which is why when he felt that you agreed to divorce, he finally felt that he could have you both. He can now have a relationship with you that his kids will not object to, and a relationship with them that you don't need to be a part of.
That's my dimestore analysis and I could be way off, but I'm curious about how you feel about these things.
Accuray
OMG! i think your last paragraph is right! i never thought of it that way. luckily, his daughter no longer lives with us. and she did ignore the boundaries i set but if i went to her father, i was the villain. so she and i just had a horrible relationship the last year she was there. i was retired and she was always there. he father was out of town six months of the year.
i see the hard feelings between his daughter and i as the problem he can't deal with. i don't know how to fix it. i went to the daughter's house after the bomb and apologized to her for my actions (not my feelings but my reactions to them, however i didn't say that to her). i told her i could have reacted differently and that i was sorry.
it seems she and her father have been talking about it all and of course, he feels sorry for her and blames me. he's said that he, "pushed my children away for you".
i just don't know how to get to where he does not feel he has to make a choice? he asked me how i would act if them came to visit (when he as still living here). i told him i would treat them with love and respect. but i'm not getting the chance to prove that to him. he doesn't live here so i never see them together.
i've read a lot lately and i've come to believe he suffers from guilty daddy syndrome.
he says he loves me, "very, very much". i love him very much, too. but the kids (mainly daughter, sons are not a problem) between us.
i sent him a link to retrouvaille and asked him if it would be something he would consider. i said it's a place for "last resort" marriages and that it would be a lot cheaper than a divorce (he's very frugal). he said he would take a look at it.
do you think i should suggest a three-way meeting with his daughter, him, and i?
thank you for looking in on me. i value your opinion so much. i've read a lot of your posts and you seem so wise.
Thanks ScaredSilly,
I would only apologize to his daughter if you felt you were in the wrong. That wasn't the confrontation I had in mind. It would go more like "I feel like you don't respect me. I'm married to your father, I'd like to stay married to your father, but I also have limits in terms of how I will be treated. I'm not asking you to like me, but I would like to find a way for us to have a relationship based on mutual respect. We have had some tough times in the past that both of us contributed to, I'm willing to let that go. What do you need from me to feel that we can have a productive relationship?" etc. etc. etc. Listen to what she has to say, validate what you agree with. If you don't agree, tell her so, but do it from the perspective of looking for compromise versus arguing. It's ok to agree to disagree. You're looking to be conciliatory, but you're not looking to be submissive, now or in the future.
It might be that after she has that conversation with you a weight will lift from her shoulders as well because she'll know you're not holding a grudge and the air has been cleared.
I would not do that with H present, I would do it one-on-one, and then tell H you did it, but don't go into the details.
Even though she no longer lives with you, you will still need to set and enforce boundaries, and clearly going to H is not effective enforcement. You need to think about how you can enforce your boundaries yourself via what you will and will not do. "I will not be spoken to like that, if you speak to me in that manner, I will simply walk away". "I will not clean up after you. If you leave dirty dishes, they will stay dirty until you or your father wash them". Those consequences are about what YOU will do.
Labug may be able to help you more as I know she's done quite a bit of work on boundary setting.
I definitely think the key to your sitch lies in reaching an accord with the daughter without H involved at all. You'd almost benefit from going to an MC with her versus H.
That's not to say that you're going to come out with a Hallmark holiday card relationship with her, just a relationship that you both understand and agree to. You could then present that to H as "the way things are going to be" and he can accept or reject it. If he's willing to work with you, then you'll need to set boundaries there too -- H shouldn't take sides. He should just excuse himself and tell the two of you to work it out. That way he doesn't have to make choices. If either one of you comes to him to complain about the other, he should tell you to "talk to the hand". That way, he can have whatever relationship he wants with both of you without getting caught in the middle.
This is going to come down to boundary setting and enforcement assuming you can hammer out an understanding with SD, that would be your simultaneous challenge.
Accuray
thank you. that's very good advice. however, my stomach gets into knots when i think about trying to talk to her. we have not spoken since the time i went to see her in december.
i could call her but i'm sure she would see it's me and not answer. i could text her but she probably wouldn't reply.
also, with her father and i separated and with him living with his mom, i wonder if she would feel she doesn't have to communicate with me. i'm no longer in good standing so she will have even less respect for me.
do you think i should ask her father to facilitate a meeting between the two of us? i don't feel as if i command respect from either of them right now and they may feel i'm overstepping my boundaries without his blessing.
but without a better relationship with her, i know he will choose to stay apart.
I would honestly try to leave him out of it now and forever. You could tell her you want to clear the air between the two of you regardless of what happens in your marriage. If it appears to be a tactic to get H back I do doubt she will participate. Its more like "we both feel badly about how things have gone, let's clear the air and put it to bed."
Separate making peace with her from what's going on with H. If she won't talk to you, you tried and will always take comfort from that. I do think though that it may get worse before it gets better.
I would definitely assume that H never wants to be in the middle again and act on that basis.
Accuray
thanks, accuray. i agree with your advice and opinions. i sent her this text several hours ago:
"Would like to meet you for lunch one day soon. Whatever happens, I would like us to clear the air between us and put any negative things to bed. Of course, you can refuse but we do have a long history of caring for each other and it was pretty special for me."
three hours later, no response. we'll see what she's made of. i figure she'll call her dad. i don't see her wanting to set things right because if things are right, there could be a chance for her dad and i. also, she would not be getting as much sympathy and attention from him then. (sigh)
i will not mention it to H. if he does, it would probably (if the past is any indication of the future) be to tell me that she's been hurt too deeply or doesn't want a relationship with me, blah, blah, blah. i think i'll just say, "i'm sorry she feels that way" and let it go. as you've said, i tried and that's all i can do. i can only control myself and i will have, at least, made the effort an adult should make. i can't fix the guilty daddy/wounded-baby-girl thing they have going.
one more thing: your opinion that, "...it may get worse before it gets better". can you expand on that? what do you foresee?
thank you for taking the time to help me. you guys are all life savers and your experience is so very valued.
H came over yesterday to do yard work. we had a really wonderful day together. i initiated some kissing and he was fully receptive. then we ML. it was not sex but really love making.
i helped him in the yard which is a 180 for me for the past few years. i used to help him all the time but eventually, i stopped because of resentments. i stopped helping him and he stopped helping me. not a good partnership, huh?
i made him a nice lunch and we ate and talked together. he talked out things we will do in the future! funny how those types of remarks are so important now and would have been totally taken for granted years ago...
we brainstormed on an offer we received on a rental property we're selling. i'm making some calls for us today and he's working on the counter. we're partnering on it and that feels good.
when he left, he pulled me in to kiss me good bye. he texted me later that he was grateful for the help in the yard and the lunch. he also thanked me in advance for the legwork i'll be doing today to get him some answers he needs prior to submitting our counter offer.
all in all, i feel really good about us and peaceful about how we're being towards each other.
i leave on thursday for a cruise with my son and his family (five kids) and i'm really looking forward to it. my H has been very nice about it and i thanked him for that.
no talk about him coming home but i think that has to be his decision only. i won't ask him but will just continue GAL and being the best person i can be with little expectations and lots of patience and introspection.
i'm a happier person now. i can truly say that this has been the worst thing i've ever been through and the best thing that has ever happened to me.
no talk about him coming home but i think that has to be his decision only. i won't ask him but will just continue GAL and being the best person i can be with little expectations and lots of patience and introspection.
i'm a happier person now. i can truly say that this has been the worst thing i've ever been through and the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Wow! Great insight and I feel much the same way.
It's nice, isn't it?
thanks, labug. yes, it is really quite remarkable, given my dispair a few months ago (heck, a few days and weeks ago!).
i've found peace in taking care of my own issues, only. i try to be better to all other people, not just my H.
i'm glad you feel the same way. it makes our futures better, with or without them. i think they pick up on it, too.
am i being too sensitive? my H unexpectedly came over today. he said he wanted to do something with one of the cars but had a mother's day card for me. it was one of those generic, "someone special" cards and in it he had written that i was an "amazing mom and an amazing grandmother".
well, i've been a pretty "amazing" stepmother to his three kids for the past 15 years and there was no mention of that job. since our separation, his family, including his kids, have completely cut me off. this is after years of me doing all kinds of things for all of them (particularly, his mother and one sister, not to mention the three kids and even the ex-wife). no calls, no texts, no emails from the three kids today, either.
i thanked him for the card and told him it was sweet and thoughtful but it really leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. his kids have pretty much been the crux of our problems through the years.
i don't know. the longer we're separated, the more i think i don't need the "left out of the family" crap that goes on and how he fails to recognize it.
i know how you feel. my W family has never really included me. now that we r separated, they refuse to see me. wont come to holidays, kids sports events, etc.. her dad even had her take all the stuff he has given me over the years and give it back to him. whatever. its like he is in the 3rd grade and he is 70.. ugghh. my W sees no problem with it.
im sorry to hear the stepkids are being like that to you. that has got to hurt. it is their loss though.
need advice, please!
received this email from my husband today:
"Hi W, I just wanted to send you this ( click on link below) because SS22 came by the office yesterday for me to help try and fix a little something on her car ( hence I got a call from her and had a min to ask her questions about school) . She is now in summer school and is taking 3 classes to finish ( she also is working on getting a internship ASAP) BUT I wanted to let you know that she said she will walk in December. No matter what happens I wanted you to know that I would like you to be there if possible ( of course only if you do) More on that to come ( just wanted to remove any doubt)
Check out the link below on her class and how hard it looks to me, I am so PROUD of my baby.
She has asked me to help her check out 2 other schools after this for her Masters. The 2 places will be
(goes on to name two colleges not far away)
She has been saving for these and has found some other grant money< I think she has it figured out..
This is just a foot note on the above for FYI, I IN NO WAY WILL HELP HER WITH ANY MONEY just advice, ( just telling you what I know today)
H"
do i respond and if so, how?
things to keep in mind:
1. SS22 is the crux of our resent troubles. she's not the cause but living with her for the past 2 years, during my retirement (while H was out of town for six months a year) brought it all to a head.
2. i've sent her a text and email to try to reconcile our differences (see post of 4/20/12) and have received no response.
3. i've had no communication from his family members since the bomb back in december. they've cut me off and cut off my son's wife, too. she's tried to communicate with them and they ignore her.
4. "whatever happens" rubs me the wrong way. i know what's hanging over my head: divorce or reconcilation. i don't need reminders.
5. the reference to not giving her money is another thing i don't want mentioned anymore. we had both agreed that keeping track of what the other spent on their respective kids was score keeping and i just want him to stop reminding me of this.
do i respond? i was thinking of telling him that i'd be uncomfortable at the graduation, "no matter what happens" (unless he tells his family we are back together and his relationship with me is the most important relationship in his life!). it would be like going into an enemy camp. i don't know what he's told them but it's wiped out 15 years of goodwill, physical labor for them, emotional support towards all of them (his mother, 3 sisters, neices, nephews, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.), and financial gifts.
i don't know. i'm not the type to blame anymore. i think maybe i should just reply:
"it's nice of you to send me this. i'm very happy for you and the joy you're feeling."
any thoughts??
p.s. him calling her "my baby" just makes me so ill! it's one of the reasons we had problems when she lived with us (me). he would not let her grow up!
What's your R with him now?
Still separated. We seem to vacillate between distancer/pursuer roles with each other. I think his family is now what is keeping us from R. He has probably made me out to be "evil" to the and would suffer some humiliation should he come home.
also, we've had dinners together and lunches several times. he sends me texts each day about different things, nothing very intimate. i sent him a quote about loneliness and he let lose on me about how i did not go out of town with him for two years when he made his six-month trips (home on weekends). he took it down to minutes we spent together.
since then, i've backed off a bit because i'm done blaming and won't accept anymore or go back to the past. we've discussed everything i did to make the marriage fail (not really his part because that's up to him) and i've apologized and made changes.
since that email response of his, i've also asked him again to think about counseling for the pain he appears to be in and he's agreed...again. this time he said he called last friday and left a message for a return call about appointments.
i think i'm changing and moving forward and i really can't dwell in the past and deal with negative energy, from him or his family. i'm very sad about our marriage situation but, at the same time, it's come to me that without changes on his part (more maturity, less self pity, more thoughts about his partner's needs)we would not be able to make it together. i'm hoping he will get counseling and that will help him but it may not.
anyone out there know if a divorce mediator can handle division of pensions and 401K's?
i am with you. it is so hard not knowing what is going on
I just read your thread....
I'm afraid I don't have much to offer. I do think that noticing what he needs to do is a big step. Sometimes we get wrapped up in our hurt and we don't see them as real people just the object of desire we want.
Would you ever be able to be in a R with him if the attitude with the kids didn't change? Would it be possible, now that they're older, for you to be in his life and just not be a step mom?
the only thing that i think i would need is for them to understand that i deserve respect as his wife and for him to convey that to them. i need for him to think his relationship with me is as important (if not more) than the ones he has with his kids, his family, and his friends.
i've never felt that from him.
i honestly do not want to be their step mom anymore. i don't want to parent them or have anything more than a mutually respectful, casual relationship. i don't want to be expected to do more for them (or the rest of his family) than i would do for a visiting friend.
if their attitude did not change, i could still be with him but his attitude would have to change. he would have to understand why i did not want them in my life and be satisfied with them in his life only.
i don't know if he's capable of this since the past 15 years i've been expected to treat them as my own and his family as my own.
he starts counseling next week. maybe he'll make some breakthroughs.
thanks for taking the time to read my story and post on it. i don't post a lot but i do read others and post to them. not much since i'm not an expert.
You've given me so much support in the last few days. I wanted to thank you for that!
How are you doing? Any new developments.
i honestly do not want to be their step mom anymore. i don't want to parent them or have anything more than a mutually respectful, casual relationship. i don't want to be expected to do more for them (or the rest of his family) than i would do for a visiting friend.
As they are grown ups I don't see why this would be a problem. He might be hurt by it at first if he feels like it's a rejection...but like you say counselling may help that.
Well, it seems like a mutual thing with the stepchildren, if I remember your sitch correctly. It's not like they're calling you at all hours, wanting a close relationship with you. I feel it would be respectful of their wishes for you to pull back and have a distant, but respectful, relationship.
thanks brit and tb, thanks for dropping in. i don't get many visitors because i don't post much (too embarassed about my poor db skills) so i appreciate you looking me up and commenting.
this limbo is getting on my nerves. one day my H seems nice and warm and the next day withdrawn and cold. he will text me about impersonal things (selling a rental property) and rarely do we talk on the phone unless i initiate it. when i do speak to him, he seems nice and sometimes, even loving (no ily's but caring).
yesterday, it was all text. no substance, no greeting, business only. so, that's how i left it, too. he sent some emails from work about his expense deposits and his email address changing but i didn't respond. i called three attorneys to find out about their initial consultation fees. that's how fed up i am with this.
this weekend is a holiday weekend and we always did something so i know he'll be doing something with his mom, kids, and the rest of his family. probably not a thought about me.
that's one of the things that i still hold resentment about. i was always expected to act as if i were a real member of his family; be a "mother" to his kids, help his mom and sisters, go to all the nieces' and nephews' graduations and birthday parties (with check or present in hand, of course), all the parties, host visiting relatives at our house and feed and entertain them, host friends, etc.
now, at probably one of the saddest and scariest and loneliest times in my life, not one of his family members has contacted me to offer support or condolences for the situation i'm in. they know this is not my hometown. i don't want them to take "my side" over "his side". i can only imagine what he's told them as i've not heard a word. it's so disappointing and disturbing. if we were to R, how could i ever feel a part of them again? and i would not and could not give as i've given in the past. i really would like to slap them all! sorry but i'm so angry and hurt by them. 15 friggin' years and not an ounce of concern. disgusting. they should be ashamed. i can remember changing his mom's mastectomy dressings.
oh, well. that's what makes me wonder sometimes if i'm better off without him. i certainly don't miss their family get-togethers, especially, since half of them are alcoholics.
on my GAL front, i just got home from the beach and it was wonderful! i went by myself which is hard for me to do because it's lonely and i feel self-conscious, but i did it. last night i had my yoga class and i love it. i have applied to volunteer at our local hospital (i used to be an lpn, years ago) and i'm thinking about a water aerobics class next monday.
tonight i go to my grandson's baseball game and tomorrow evening, a wine tasting at the beach again.
i'm keeping busy. H called me this morning to tell me something the realtor had told him and to request i set up some appointments for inspections on the rental we're selling. it was good i was at the beach. he was very surprised! i loved it! i'm sure he could hear the waves crashing in the background. i didn't tell him i was alone and he didn't ask (that would imply he cares...). but i asked him to email me the information because i couldn't write it down as I WAS AT THE BEACH!! ;-) and he was in his office at work!
soon after that call, he sent text of a picture of my favorite college football team's logo that he had taken in one of his customer's offices. he said, "have a good time at the beach! gosh it's really nice out!" darn straight! i didn't respond!
i'm keeping busy. H called me this morning to tell me something the realtor had told him and to request i set up some appointments for inspections on the rental we're selling. it was good i was at the beach. he was very surprised! i loved it! i'm sure he could hear the waves crashing in the background. i didn't tell him i was alone and he didn't ask (that would imply he cares...). but i asked him to email me the information because i couldn't write it down as I WAS AT THE BEACH!! ;-) and he was in his office at work!
Very nice!
Personally, I think GAL'ing is excellent way of dealing with the limbo. Let your H do what he's going to do. Meanwhile, live it up and fill your life with positive things.
thanks, jbn. it was nice! i don't purposely tell him what i'm doing because i'm hoping it will all help me be a more rounded person, not to make him want to be with me. but, a small part of me was delighted it worked out that he called in the middle of my GAL!
It sounds like you're doing your GAL'ing for the right reasons, then. Become your best possible self.
And yes - it's awesome when they just happen to call right in the middle of something like that.
Sounds like you're having a great time! Really happy for you!
SOMEBODY PLEASE GIVE ME AN ANSWER...
really down today. spent the evening with my DIL and grandkids and had a great time. however, on the ride home i kept thinking about how H and his family have all abandoned me. H sends me a sweet text, usually once a day, but that's it, for the most part.
this is a holiday weekend. we should be together in a M. i'm so tired of this game playing.
question for anyone on here who knows the answer:
FOR THE DBer's WHO ENDED UP DIVORCED BUT HUNG IN THERE, MONTH AFTER MONTH, AND FINALLY WERE DIVORCED BY THEIR S OR DECIDED TO DO THE DIVORCING, DO THEY WISH THEY HAD THROWN IN THE TOWEL EARLIER AND NOT SUFFERED SO MUCH FOR SO LONG??
anybody...
I'm sorry you are hurting SS. ((( ))) Holidays are hard.
thanks, ng. yes, they are.
I can't answer the question directly but I read someone else say that if you have to question if you should give up then you shouldn't give up.
I think we all wonder that. But you have to ask yourself when you have those feelings what are you afraid of?
I sometimes felt abandoned by his family. His mom and I had a close R but since GF it's gotten less and less.
"I think we all wonder that. But you have to ask yourself when you have those feelings what are you afraid of?"
i'm afraid i'm wasting time. i'm 62.
i'm afraid that if after all the time we've spent going through this, we may still end up divorced and i would have been more "healed" had i just let it happen or made it happen.
i'm afraid that should we R, his priorities will still be his kids, his family, and his "dreams" over me and mine.
i'm afraid that i will never be able to forgive his family for abandoning me during this.
i'm afraid i will not be able to care for his kids the way he wants and expects me to.
i'm afraid that he's not the man i "angelicized" when the bomb hit and i don't know if i can take his selfishness anymore.
someone on here said the the WAS is really just the one who dropped the bomb first and that the LBS was thinking about it, too. the month prior to him dropping the bomb was the worst of our marriage. big fight, he withdraws and makes me feel abandoned, i buy a condo in my hometown to be near family and friends, etc. while i was in my hometown for a month prior to the bomb, i remember thinking how i was so done with his behavior. i was noticing other men, thinking about another life; a life without him and the stress of his kids.
i don't want to waste time on something that may not happen or if it does, it's not good enough and i'm still unhappy.
i don't have all the time most of the people on here have that are in their 20's, 30's, and 40's. for me, it would be a much easier answer if i were.
thanks for stopping by, brit. you're much wiser than i was at your age.
Awww thanks! I hope so. You think it would be easier at our age. But me, Maggie, a few others are all worrying about that ticking clock of having babies and letting that hang over our heads.
The angel metaphor is great. It's exactly how I felt this week I've been thinking he's changed, only remembering the good, feeling victimised that he was on the pedestal.
We all have fear that we're wasting time, but time spent on yourself is time well spent. I think if I end up alone at the end of my life I want to like who I am. It feels like this sitch as been going on forever but it's only been a few months. Just detach some more so that your feelings about how you're living aren't so wrapped up in the final outcome. I'm slowly becoming okay with idea that we might not R. I too see a lot of his issues again. But don't get me wrong the idea of him remarrying having kids makes me sick. Slowly we'll be fully independent again
Hey did you look into volunteering at the hospital? That sounded great! I started looking into volunteering opportunities myself! What better way to stop thinking so much than to give to others!
yes, i sent in my application and am awaiting contact from them. it's not like it used to be. i have to have an "interview" with an interview committee. i guess, nowadays, they need to make sure i'm not a terrorist or a criminal!
"We all have fear that we're wasting time, but time spent on yourself is time well spent."
^^^this is a good thing for me to remember. i do think i worry too much about the "final outcome". it's just so hard not too when i think about how much time i have left in my life. i don't want to spend my precious remaining years in limbo. i want this to be over!!! it's a bleak part of my life...
Brit,
As a male, I feel my clock is ticking too! I feel that what she is doing is robbing me of what has been so important to me. As this will take a considerable amount of time either way, there is a good possibility that I won't ever have the children I have always wanted unless a miracle happens and she decides to come back.
Hi SS,
I have been thinking about you and hoping that you are having a better day today.
I am 51 and have felt that I do not want to start over at my age. It really helped me to read Pema Chodron, she is a Buddhist writer. This is one of her quotes:
“When things are shaky and nothing is working, we might realize that we are on the verge of something. We might realize that this is a very vulnerable and tender place, and that tenderness can go either way. We can shut down and feel resentful or we can touch in on that throbbing quality."
For me, I fought being in this place for a long time and held on for dear life to my W, which of course, pushed her further away. Now I do believe that I am in this place to grow in ways I never would have without it.
I have started putting post-its of quotes up around my home.. That seems to help get me back on track when I get scared and worry.
For today, I like one by Joseph Campbell: "We must be willing to let go of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."
((( )))
thanks, ng. those are some beautiful words of encouragement. i will try the post-it route, too. i thought about doing that before but didn't. now, i think i need to.
i also need to get rid of my resentment towards H and his kids and family. right now, i just hate them all.
Those are wonderful words. It's the time that I try to sabotage because at least I'm controlling the situation. I'm choosing when it will end or forcing a decision so I don't have to live in the uncertainty.
I've sort of created my own way to deal with the uncertainty because I've taken the focus off his choices and put them on mine. I was unhappy when we were together, then I was unhappy when we were apart, I'm the common denominator here so I need to be happy with me.
I see so many DBer's posting how they want their WAS to be happy. I don't! I want him to be miserable! Am I rotten?
No you're not rotten. You are in a rotten situation and grieving. Resentment and anger are normal, so is working to put them and this rotten situation behind you. It is not easy, but many things worth having in life are not easy. You’ll get there.
I visualized XW’s new home swallowed by a sinkhole in the wee hours of the morning for a time.
SS when I went to bed last night I had a crazy angry thought about letting him take a specific piece of furniture. Why? hahaha does it really matter. I liked it but it was impractical for me. He had better use of it.
I'd read the stages of grieving and didn't really think I'd gone through them the pleading the bargaining the anger and finally acceptance. I think we'll all get there. Love is crazy. You can love someone, want the best for them, and still be very angry with them.
You are 100% NOT a rotten person. I'm very grateful to have cyber met you!
thanks js and brit, i just want him to be miserable missing ME. he doesn't have to get hit by a car or anything (although, i've thought several times it would be easier if i were planning his funeral...).
if he's happy now, that means i'm a loser and a failure. it also means he's not good enough for me because anyone who was good enough for me would accept their responsibility for the situation we're in and come home to work on us. instead, he's living with his MOTHER, for God's sake!
so, i want him to be miserable because that would mean he's missing me and unhappy living with his mother.
H said to me several times you're only going to be happy if I'm miserable. The truth is when he was miserable he never told me. So you have no idea how hurt your H is or what he's feeling.
If he is happy now it does NOT mean you are a loser or a failure. I doubt in 2 months of living away from you he's fully adjusted to being single and is happy and independent. It is a strange see saw we're on....convention tells us if he loves you he'd want to be with you. He'd be the man that will run through the rain and pound on your door because he can't take another minute without you. But everyone is confused in this situation. It's like H said he thinks of all the good and all the bad and can't see anywhere around the bad.
Focus on working on that part of you that feels unhappy. it's a rollercoaster!
I see so many DBer's posting how they want their WAS to be happy. I don't! I want him to be miserable! Am I rotten?
No, just honest
I felt that all the time at first...
and feel it less often now.
It shifts in time.. ((( )))
thanks brit and ng, what i'm also noticing how i changing my feelings towards him. at first, i told him i loved him, "warts and all" since no one is perfect.
what i'm noticing it that the warts are GROWING! the little warts of:
selfishness in our path for the future
double standard with regard to our feelings for the other's
family members
controling behavior with respect to getting his way
false pride and inability to apologize or be wrong
lack of gratitude for all i've done for not only him, but his kids and family
stubbornness when it comes to making up after disagreements
stinginess unless it's something he really wants
impatience with others because he feels superior
etc., etc., etc.
the "warts" are becoming walnuts! as time goes on, i'm afraid i'll look at him and he'll be covered with watermelons...!
HA warts to walnuts to watermelons to what next? whales?!
Unexpectedly I had some friends call that they were having lunch near me did I want to drop in for a drink. It was great. But we started talking about how some people have the mindset that they'd rather complain than do something about a situation and I said oh I used to tell H that all the time....It used to drive me crazy! I had completely forgot that he used to do that. So chalk up another walnut on the tree!
When I think of our walnuts some are personality traits that we have to learn with, some are born out of poor communication that you'd have to work on, and some are things that would definitely need to change. And when they think of us they're probably thinking the same thing.
i think we also tend to ignore the small warts in the beginning, thinking they won't matter that much or that we'll be able to "fix" them.
i'm sure i look like a load of walnuts to him, too. it's funny, though, that in the beginning we love their walnuts because they are sometimes a part of us we feel is missing or better.
then, after a time, we all seem to develope a nut allergy...!
just posted this on another forum where i was asking if those divorced look back and wish they had divorced sooner. i was asked if i would be able to say i had tried everything:
but what is "everything"? that could be so, so much. no, i haven't tried everything, yet, but i can't see myself actually doing that. i would expect some returned efforts from him before i would try more.
i just see so many of us, me included, grabbing onto these crummy, little parcels of hope the WAS doles out our way; a certain look we see as hopeful, a word that could me he still cares, an action that could mean he's thinking of coming back. it's all so tragic and pitiful. it's as if we have no self respect anymore and we're not good enough unless this loser (and they're not that great or the marriage would have been better) wants to be with us.
i don't know. maybe, especially after being left alone for another holiday weekend, i'm sick of the game playing. besides making ourselves better (which i'm doing) that's all the rest of it is: game playing, trying to outfox them. that's why it's not recommended that we let them see the DB and DR books. those are our play books and they are the opposing team...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
any thoughts?
My thoughts, I don't see it as playing a game but I think some do get to the, if I do A and B and then if does X I'll do C but if he does Y then I'll do D version. I don't think that's what MWD had in mind.
My understanding of this is I work on the parts of me that made me unhappy and also had a role in the demise of my marriage. If H decides he wants to try again, then he will, if he doesn't he doesn't.
I cannot control the outcome of this for anyone other than myself. I can't look to others for my happiness.
And yes I do slip and slide and get twisted around the axle every now and then. That usually means I've been trying to control something.
So I untwist myself and start again.
At the end of this journey I will be a better, happier person.
How do I know that?
Because I already am.
Well said LAbug
There are times when I ask myself if I have tried everything... and I'm sure the answer is no... because some times I'm not quite sure what everything is....
.. so instead of saying everything... I ask myself "Did I honor my vows to her?".
For sickness and in health, richer or poorer, goodtimes and bad.
Did I do my best to love her when at times she seemed unlovable?
Did I do my best to not intentionally hurt her?
Did I push myself to get past my anger to see her perspective?
Did I give her space and let her go?
Do I work hard to forgive her?
Do I love her enough to say... I want you to be happy.. even if that's not with me?
And I feel for the most part... I did. I am not perfect and sometimes my intentions are influenced by my emotions..
..but I keep trying.. even as I grow near to signing my papers..
.. and because I keep trying to honor her and my vows... that is me "trying everything".
i wonder how many times people on here felt like giving up and moving on? how many times did they feel it would be easier to get the pain and fear over with in one big hit and start living again instead of getting slowly eaten alive, bite by bite?
Part of us makes changes, detaches, GAL, act as if all of those things for ourselves. To rebuild our mental and emotional stability and heal from the pain of the breakup. The other part of us does this for one reason to get him/her back, to have the marriage restored. Sometimes in our head we are doing it for us, but really in our hearts we are doing it for them.
We feel that if we throw in the towel then we are saving ourselves that fear of rejection. That one day down the road he/she is never coming back.
I don't really know how to phrase it but I know exactly what you're going through. I love him, I don't like what he's doing right now. I'm sad about our M, I don't think our M would work as we are right now. I want to make myself better, I don't think he does. I want to have a M and have kids that may not be with him. So all I can do is handle the first parts of those sentences. Try to make myself a better partner all the way around.
I've found that deep inside of me it is easier to change to get the approval and validation of someone else than to do it simply because I want to be a better person. That's really not healthy. And so I have to constantly remind myself that I am worth it. I am worth love, healing and acceptance regardless of the outcome of the M.
Not being able to control the outcome is an uncomfortable feeling and by "moving on" you're controlling it.
Thanks, Brit, you're absolutely right. I need some control of my life and not just in the "take some classes", "go to the movies", "read this book" area! My heart and soul are in pain and I'm angry to be so easily ignored by one whom I did so much for and professed he'd never leave me. I really would love to kick him in the nuts.
I'm angry to be so easily ignored by one whom I did so much for
^^^this jumped out at me because I had those same thoughts in the beginning. But the anger and resentment only hurt me, so I started working on that.
I came to the realization that he most likely felt the same way.
So should I expect that everything he did for me throughout the marriage had strings attached? Maybe so, I don't know really.
Did I give expecting something in return or did I give from that place of unconditional love?
I had to study on that one for awhile.
Did I give expecting something in return or did I give from that place of unconditional love?
YES! and also do I detach expecting something in return? Am I kind and polite expecting something in return? And then when things aren't going my way fly off the handle?
thanks, bug. i know the anger only really hurts me since it's illegal to hurt him the way i want to...
i think it's just what this holiday weekend has meant to me. he sends me these sweet texts during the week and i "sweetly" reply but he's not finished punishing me for not doing everything with him during the last two years of our marriage. he's even made it a point to bring up how now i know how he felt. he's a cruel, controlling, and a really selfish @sshole.
i'm hoping i'll feel better tomorrow after the friggin' holiday. maybe not, though, since i've started on the champagne...
oh I LOVE champagne. enjoy!
What if you stopped being sweet? Is that your cheeseless tunnel? I'm not saying be mean but what if you detached and didn't take the bait to be sweet back?
I think that's exactly what I may start doing. Great minds think alike!
i wonder how many times people on here felt like giving up and moving on? how many times did they feel it would be easier to get the pain and fear over with in one big hit and start living again instead of getting slowly eaten alive, bite by bite?
As I posted earlier today, I kind of feel like this now but it doesn't really feel like "giving up" anymore.
What if you stopped being sweet? Is that your cheeseless tunnel? I'm not saying be mean but what if you detached and didn't take the bait to be sweet back?
I think this is where I'm at, too. I wasn't full on sweet (not my personality ;)) but I had pulled back a little bit. I'm pulling back even more now and getting more unpredictable. Let us know how it works for you.
Will do! The schumck showed up, unannounced, of course. He rang the doorbell but it didn't quite register with me 'cause I'm drinking champagne and watching a netflix movie. He rings the doorbell so I won't get startled. I'm in the bedroom with the door locked 'cause I used to live in Miami and now that I don't have a "protector", I take extra precautions.
Anyway, now he's downstairs, mowing the lawn. No call to let me know he's coming, no text, nothing! What if I'm doing something I don't particularly want to share with him? He lives at his mother's. I can't just arrive there unannounced! I think he should let me know in advance when he's coming. What do y'all think?
well, he rang the doorbell and didn't even come in. he mowed the lawn and left. i didn't go down. he didn't call me to let me know he was coming and he never said hello or good bye. i couldn't bring myself to go downstairs to say hello because i'm so hurt that he's ignored me for so long and left me alone for this holiday weekend.
i don't know what to do. a part of me thinks i should have gone down but it probably wouldn't have gone well since i'm so resentful.
he db's me much better than i do him.
now i'm sure i'll not hear from him unless it has to do with the rental property we're selling. will someone please give me some advice?
Hi SS- I didnt read your whole thread but saw you were looking for advise and didnt want to leave you hanging. I think it's good you didn't go see him. Let him wonder what you were up to...
thanks, maggie. i feel like such a failure at this db stuff. the more space i give him, the more he takes. he's so gone. i just feel so bad, like nothing i do is right.
I feel the same and you and I are on similar timelines. From what I see in other peoples threads it takes a lot longer than we have been doing it for to see changes in our S's or to see them reacting to our changes. Just keep working on you and doing things that help you feel better and that help move you towards being that person you want to be.
It's kind of cheesy but I started listening to "The Secret" on audio today. From the first few chapters I've gathered that the secret is about positive thinking and attracting what you want through positive thinking, and if your thoughts are negative you'll attract negative things. Keep your chin up and focus on all your amazing qualities and hopefully he will remember them. If not, his loss.
Also, could you maybe set a boundary around him just showing up. My H always emails me in advance- usually letting me know a few days ahead when he's coming to do yardwork based on the weather forecast.
Scared this DB stuff is hard. It is a hard concept to grasp. I can feel your anger and you are right to feel that. You have been hurt. But don't do what I did and take the victim stance. Don't sit there feeling helpless, hopeless and powerless. You are none of that. It is easier said than done but we must try.
I know you gave yourself till this December to stop standing and only u will know. I fantasize too that my Ws plans will fail and she will fall flat on her face. But the more I think about it the more I hope it works out for her. She is scared and hurting also.
My job is to be ready for either option and to have an answer. I need to have an answer either way and it to becareful thought out one.
Hi SS -
I can't remember if this was mentioned earlier in your thread (I am really getting everyone's threads mixed up now) - do you have a DB coach? I'm curious what a vet or coach would say about your opinion that giving H space leads to him taking more space
As far as your H there to mow the lawn today, you said he didn't say hello or goodbye but did he know you were there if you didn't go down to see him? Maybe he thought you were out?
I think it would be good for you to set a boundary with H. Some other recent threads have discussed how to do that. If I see one I'll paste it in here.
SS, I apologize I have not followed along. I will toss in my 2 cents for what it is worth. Keep in mind I am divorced.
I was nice until I could not be anymore. The nicer I was the nastier XW became. In retrospect I think she was trying to provoke a fight. I think she was still attempting to justify her actions. I stopped being nice. I became neutral. I think she perceived this as cold. Not DB and against a coaches advice. It was what I could manage emotionally.
I resolved I would treat her as the neighbor down the road. I resolved she would not get me to break bearing. I began to set boundaries. A couple of those were:
She was not to simply arrive without letting me know in advance she was coming over.
I left home several times on a pretense for the first boundary. “I am busy I have a life”
She was not to use her key to gain entry to the house.
The locks were eventually changed although I do not think she was ever in the house without my knowledge.
To speak to me with at least the same civility she would use speaking to the check out staff at the grocery store
Several times I simply ignored her until she calmed and became civil.
A quote from Lord of the Rings would run through my head while she was spewing.
I did not pass through fire and death to bandy crooked words with a witless worm.
and I would stare at a point above and beyond her head.
None of this was easy. None of this was shiny. Having passed through I have experienced relief. I believe I managed the best I could. I believe I acted honorably.
thank you all for trying to come to my rescue. he knew i was up here, i'm pretty sure. my car was here.
maybe he just doesn't want to have anything to do with me. after all, he did say back in dec. that he wanted a divorce. we've been hot, cold, warm, chilly...it just never really gets a foothold. i'm doing all the GAL things but it's not filling the hole in my soul.
i don't have a db coach but maybe i should try something else? the space thing seems to make him think i don't care. however, when i ask him to do something with me, he never really accepts.
i guess i'll just keep on and give more timel.
on a good note, i got a call from the hospital tonight to come in on thursday for an interview for the volunteer position i applied to. maybe that, and my yoga class, will help take my mind off all this confusion and fear.
thank you all for caring enough to pitch in for me.
What is is you want, SS?
And how much of that do you have control over?
You can only work on you, you can only change you.
There are no guarantees that your H will come back or that your marriage will be saved.
I know that not what you want to hear but that's the truth.
Become the person you want to be a let him figure out his life.
As Cadet says, Divorce means they want space.
Give him space and more space.
I see that on another thread you posted that nothing is working. How do you define working? How will you know when what you are doing is working?
working would be when he starts to want to be with or near me. if he does now, he's showing great control.
i want our marriage to make it. i know there are no guarantees.
i guess i'm just having a very hard time right now. sometimes i feel strong and determined to be the person i want to be and i'm heading in the right direction but, then other times, like today, i feel so incredibly alone, weak, and unable to cope.
And that happens, it's a part of the process. It's painful but on those days get up and do something for you.
None of this happens quickly. Break your goals down into very small, achievable goals.
Sounds like you have some great GAL activities starting.
What else are you going to do? What are some things you've always wanted to do. Write those down no matter how crazy they sound. Choose a few to work towards.
Take the focus off him and the marriage. Do what works for you.
The Secret is great. Also The Power which is all about putting love and gratitude out into the world and seeing the beauty all around you. It does change how you feel in general. And everything is helped by being positive.
SS, I think maybe you not going down was a good thing. From what I've seen you've been very accommodating and nice and sweet to him for a long time. Perhaps a bit of distance is needed.
And yes they are so much better at DB than we are.
Had a R discussion with H yesterday on the phone. I know I shouldn't have but it developed into one. He's seeing an IC now. Had his first appointment last week but said he had to leave because he tried to talk but couldn't stop crying. So he went yesterday and was able to talk but still said he cried. Of course, his part of the conversation with me dealt with past hurts and fear of future pain from me if we resumed our R. However, he asked me a question that has been haunting me. Ha asked, "if we got divorced and in a year I asked you to marry me again, would you?"
That's so confusing when they do that. Yesterday, I joked with H about possibly needing to become a "dancer" to pay my bills now that I'm on my own. His response was that we'd have no chance of reconciliation if that happened.
My thought is, if there's a chance of reconciliation now, no matter how slight, why are you planning to file for divorce? Shouldn't we try to work things out first and then if there's no hope, go ahead and file?
I don't think I'll ever understand his logic. None of our friends or family can either, so I guess I'm not the crazy one. That's not much comfort though...
Hi SS his question must have thrown you for a loop. I think he wants a guarantee but there are none. It could work out it could not. You could meet someone! Many things could happen. If you can detach and go dark for your emotional stability do that. Only you know when you've had enough!
Hugs!
SBR, i know just what you mean! none of my family can understand what's going on with him or exactly where his head is. he cries when he talks about us breaking up but spews at other times.
he's nice, he's cold. i really think he's not sure if he wants a divorce but he doesn't want to R, yet.
guess i'll just keep on keepin' on.