feeling confused and hopeless - 03/18/12 09:24 AM
Hi. I'm new to the site. My husband and I have been married for 27 years. Much of the time it has been very good. But when we fight it's usually over the same issues. Lately that has been that we cannot seem to not disappoint each other. He has told me several times over the past 10 years that he wants out. Then we'd reconcile and there were moments even weeks of a very good relationship and then here we are again. Life is like a roller coaster, like I'm sure it is for many. The problem for me is that when we're down my husband wants to bail ship. The last time was yesterday. We haven't talked for about a week because I confronted him about using a credit card. We were in fiancial trouble a few months ago and I agreed to use retirement money to pay debt. We agreed that he would not use credit cards anymore. I happened to see one in his wallet, and he said he needed is for his business. I said I understood but that to satisfy both of us the only things I could think of were for him to pay back the fund or allow me to be more involved to make sure that the credit card bill was being paed on time. When we finally sait down yesterday to talk about this he basically said that he decided he wanted peace in his life without always feeling like he was disappointing someone. He did not want to say he was "committed" to his decision to end the marriage but that he was "certain" our marriage had issues that were irreparable. He likened the situation to a line of prisoners walking to their death and one running out of the line knowing he would be shot - but he would be killed staying in the line as well. There could be no happy ending. He got very angry when I said that I could be friendly but not friends. I explained to him that I was not in the same place as he was emotionally because I feel that in any relationship there are issues but if the relationship consists of 2 reasonable people who have a will things can be worked out. He likened this to him seeing a bus that needed to be lifted. Even if he was reasonable and had a will to lift it, he couldn't. I told him that for me to emotionally separate as it appears he has, I need to be more physically separated. He seemed to understand but it is so hard to reason this in my head and to not try to convince him otherwise which is what I have done in the past. Look where that has gotten me in the past 10 years - to this hopeless and very sad place - again. Looking for advice or comments from anyone out there.