I just realized that I was well over 100 posts and wanted to start a new thread to keep things clean, sorry I didn't notice sooner mod
Most recent thread I just sent a very brief email with minimal details and will be going DARK during my visit to my fathers. I will be sure the kids know to contact me at any time, but don't intend to talk to or text H while away.
I called the insurance company and will select a therapist, get authorization and schedule ASAP
One step at a time. You are right about not being hungry. I had a handful of walnuts this morning and feel like I've been to an all you can eat buffet. Emotions are crazy!
I sent this:
Just wrapping up some packing, and called the insurance provider re: a therapist for myself.
I will be leaving after the kids get home and settled.
I need some time to think, get some counsel from trusted professionals , and to make some decisions.
I will send a text to let you know I arrived safely like I promised.
-----
His response is:
Thanks for the update, I appreciate it.
Please take care of yourself – I have everything covered at home.
Very good, Autumn. If you feel the need to respond to him, or even proactively call him or text him something, please post here first. We'll talk some sense into you.
Starsky
I promise that I will, and definitely could use the support to keep from texting initially.
He texted a short while ago re: our insurance so he can call a therapist too. I responded but kept it professional. He then got personal and asked if I ate, and told me please don't forget to eat. I haven't responded.
I keep shaking my head and saying "this is not supposed to be happening, this is not my life"
I know that I am not alone in that, sadly this club is way too big already.
Autumn -
Good Lord! You are so sensible in a crisis! KEEP THAT UP!
You know where to find me... for an ear, a cry (long distance!), and, always a good laugh if you like...
And, if you really want to feel better, we can talk about my headaches! (joke, well, uh, not really...)
Go be by yourself. Go clear your head. It's really time to NOT THINK.
If you feel the urge to txt him, txt me instead! I'll send you back silly responses to get your mind off it!
Or as Starsky said... post here! Everyone will bring you back to SENSIBLE!
He texted a short while ago re: our insurance so he can call a therapist too. I responded but kept it professional. He then got personal and asked if I ate, and told me please don't forget to eat. I haven't responded.
"Gee, honey, it's not really my job to make you feel good about your affair."
(and no, don't text or tell him that, but geeez!!)
He's trying to "white-knight" you now. Now that HIS very actions have wounded you, he's trying to act like your savior. Blccccch.
Starsky
AL, go DARK now. Enough texting. Your job right now is to settle your mind. That is a difficult enough task to accomplish on its own.
You are NOT there to placate him and you should not be telling him anything. That INCLUDES not texting him to let him know that you are safe. Give him time to weigh in the consequences of his actions. I agree with Starsky that he should feel like he has lost you.
This means NO CONTACT whatsoever with him. If he was truly worried about your well-being he would have thought of that beforehand.
Oh Autumn,
I just finished catching up on your thread. Let me "organize" my post here.
1)
OUCH!!!! So sorry for the kick in the stomach.
I want to hug you
2)
what an idiot HE is!
I want to slap him. (okay I concede that given the situation HE finds HIMSELF in,
(b/c this is not about you) he is at least SAYING the right things...Later on, you can decide if YOU see ACTIONS that are consistent with his words,
but even then, there are no guarantees for him anyhow,
b/c it seems to me YOU are deciding TWO things; whether
a) HE is taking enough appropriate action to repair the damage in a way that you could believe and forgive
AND (even if he is)
b) whether YOU want to be married to him anymore, period. You guys have issues separate and apart from this.
Finally and most importantly, let's work on
3) your action plan..here are some suggestions, to get you started...
obviously, ignore what doesn't feel authentic, or is premature for you.
1-Get with your buddy or the support group there, to have real life help.
2-See a c for yourself, as I think you planned.
3-Get legal advice, b/c knowledge is power. You need "DO" nothing with the information but it's nuts not to have it. And it's empowering to have that information --b/c
if you do decide to stay and work on things, you will know the decision was NOT made out of fear of "change" OR unrealistic financial fears.
IOW, you'll make your choices based on what is most likely to make YOU happy now, and in the long run.
You will not make choices based on fear, which was a goal you set for yourself in late January.I bet he'll try to see a mc or IC or whatever, and
I'm not saying he shouldn't do the workshop, b/c frankly it's about the only thing I might believe of him at this moment.
MC isn't bad --I usually love it! But in this sitch with all his stuff and history- Weekly counselling or even bi-weekly mc, imho, won't be enough for YOU to believe in
and it might not break down the walls your h needs for you to see his "essence" - what he's really like inside and what good he's truly capable of...or likely to give. IOW, will weekly MC sessions get you to KNOW the answers to-
"who is this man, and who is he becoming?"
That's all on HIM. But if you are open to it and if he goes, at least it'd be penetrating (for lack of a better word). I think you'd believe in it more.
But that is premature right now. We don't know that he'd go, don't know that it'd get through to him OR that you'd be alright anyhow...but it's somethihng to ponder that would give me a tad more hope than some new mc handed this "unpinned grenade", meaning, a very fragile m.
and we know your h has issues separate from the marriage so, he'd need an IC too if he doesn't do the workshop.
(Heck, if it were me and IF I were open to the idea of working on things, he'd have to do both or all.)
You'll have to decide now where to go and what to do for YOU. Try to see that as freeing if you can, although that will take time.
This situation is a real test of meeting/keeping that goal of NOT letting fear be such an influence in your life. But now, you have tools you lacked before. Use them.
Any support meetings coming up? How is your r with your "buddy"?
Also, I'm going to try and reach out via Eric w/your first name. If we connect at a bad time for you, just say so!
So sorry for such an early test.
Remember, YOU know who YOU are, inside & out--and that you are a lovable loving woman. You did not "cause" this. Here's a quote I found relevant today.
‎"You have to go through life reminding yourself how incredibly valuable and important and terrific you are. Then you will never have a question about relationships again. There will be so many people wanting to be in your life." - Dr. Wayne Dyer
remember this^^^. I'll be in touch soon.
if you do decide to stay and work on things, you will know the decision was NOT made out of fear of "change" OR unrealistic financial fears.
Exactly. I want to applaud you for getting your ducks in a row and taking care of yourself through this crisis. That alone shows that you will get through this, no matter what. You have the ability and resourses inside yourself to make the right decisions, even though it won't be easy by a long shot. I feel like we all slog through this and then one day wake up and notice that it's not such a slog anymore, and that we are happy. You will get your new (better) chapter, Autumn.
Mimi
Thank you all so much! Your support is so helpful when I doubt myself.
25 I do still go to regular support. My original buddy is a younger girl and I have connected with a woman my age who is my acting buddy. She's been helpful. I called a therapist today and hope to have an appt soon.
Feels like walking in quicksand today
Checking in w/my friend today... How's the beach!?!?!
Thanks mindfull! It was a horrible night, with terrible dreams. Got up early and still a rough morning, just nausea and physical reaction. But I worked a bit this morning and then headed out to the beach with my father and his wife. Took a ton of pictures, it is warm here today. I feel so much better right now. Something about the ocean air that really helped a lot.
For the first time, possibly ever, I felt like I have choices and I am going to be ok no matter what. Nobody but me can determine what I will endure or not endure, and the direction of my life. I feel empowered but at times a bit nervous too.
I am so glad to have this break. I've checked in on my boys, and even got them a little gift to take back.
I need to make a plan, figure out the direction of the rest of my life. I will be 40 in June which is plenty young for whatever may come my way.
This could change tomorrow, so I am taking it day by day
So thankful to have such great support from family and here, even if some don't know what they are supporting
Autumn, you sound good. Strong. Clear(-ish, LOL) headed. Rejuvenated.
I think you are learning that the primary purpose of NC is FOR THE BETRAYED SPOUSE. NOT as some sort of DBing "tactic." It is to get YOU into a place -- physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually -- that you can begin to make some good decisions, going forward.
btw, be prepared to be GRILLED when you get home. Let's talk about that before you return, either here or offline.
Starsky
Thanks mindfull! It was a horrible night, with terrible dreams. Got up early and still a rough morning, just nausea and physical reaction. But I worked a bit this morning and then headed out to the beach with my father and his wife. Took a ton of pictures, it is warm here today. I feel so much better right now. Something about the ocean air that really helped a lot.
For the first time, possibly ever,
I felt like I have choices and I am going to be ok no matter what. Nobody but me can determine what I will endure or not endure, and the direction of my life. I feel empowered but at times a bit nervous too.
All so true^^^...responsibilties can feel like burdens, but really they are you exercising choice, to create the life YOU want to create.
I am so glad to have this break. I've checked in on my boys, and even got them a little gift to take back.
I need to make a plan, figure out the direction of the rest of my life. I will be 40 in June which is plenty young for whatever may come my way.
This could change tomorrow, so I am taking it day by day
So thankful to have such great support from family and here, even if some don't know what they are supporting
(fyi- I left a vm with EE to give you my contact info)...
You are strong & you DO have the tools you need to make wise choices.
(((( )))
Thanks Starsky. I am heading home tomorrow and trying to wrap my head around it. I talked to mindfull today which really helped a lot. I will send you a message offline, would love to hear your input
Thanks 25 I really appreciate it, and all of your feedback. I feel stronger in the moment and hoping for the same feeling tomorrow.
Slept much better last night and really feel refreshed this morning. I am watching the most beautiful sunrise over the ocean and realizing that there are so many possibilities for me. I am realizing that only I can do this for me. I owe this to my children.
I pray for my H and still love him very much. I meant my vows and still do. I just know that unless he chooses to take steps and make changes for himself to get healthy, there is nothing I can do for him.
I can only continue to pray for him.
I don't know yet what I will do, but I do know that I am forming my plan for my future and my children's future, to live the healthiest most rewarding life that I can create. Where H falls into this is completely up to him, and I have remind myself of that daily until it feels more natural I suppose
I've been DARK for a few days but will be heading home today, not sure how that will work under the same roof.
But for right now I feel good, and strong.
You sound strong.
You are strong.
Autumn. I put this quote on my fb today. Very fitting for your day, as well...
''Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.'' - Martin Luther King, Jr.
I am watching the most beautiful sunrise over the ocean and realizing that there are so many possibilities for me. I am realizing that only I can do this for me. I owe this to my children.
I pray for my H and still love him very much. I meant my vows and still do. I just know that unless he chooses to take steps and make changes for himself to get healthy, there is nothing I can do for him.
I can only continue to pray for him.
I don't know yet what I will do, but I do know that I am forming my plan for my future and my children's future, to live the healthiest most rewarding life that I can create. Where H falls into this is completely up to him, and I have remind myself of that daily until it feels more natural I suppose
I've been DARK for a few days but will be heading home today, not sure how that will work under the same roof.
But for right now I feel good, and strong.
Such great perspective Autumn!! Just a couple days ago you were at one of your lowest points and now look ^^^. Your strength is inspiring!!
Remember this the next time you get hit w/ something and realize that no matter what happens you are strong enough to overcome and pursue the best possible life for you and your kids.
Be well!!
Thank you SIAS! Well here it is another low point just one day later.
When I got home last night he wanted to talk, so I asked about what. He wanted to find out where my head was after being away, and taxes. I said "why don't we stick to taxes" and he agreed
I own my company and when we filed, there are clearly documents missing based on what our accountant is saying. So I said that I would print everything out and provide them tomorrow. He wanted to sit and go through line by line last night and I just didn't feel strong enough to do that. I said, I promise to provide it in less than 24 hours and proceeded to drop it.
This angered him and he accused me of lying, stealing money from my business and hiding things from him. Oh the irony. I have never once lied to him, even about something small.
He got in my face a few times but I never felt unsafe. The kids came home and we went our separate ways (small house so its tough)
I was on the front porch on the phone and he was heading to bed and locked the door. I had to knock for my S15 to let me in. I went to the bedroom and said "that is not ok, you put S15 in a bad position" He said "the back door was open" and began condescending "come with me, lets look at it together". I wouldn't have thought to go to the back, he saw me on the front porch.
He then proceeded to tell me that he is filing single this year and I am on my own for whatever outcome with the business. Wow!
I know it is simple documentation, there is something missing and I planned to find it today. I said "you can't do that" and he said "watch me"
I went to the front again and was talking to a friend, and mentioned this to her. When I came in he said that he was in the bathroom and he could hear what I was telling my friend. That was a bit creepy. I know the kids didn't hear because the windows were closed and when I talked to them for a bit last night, they told me that they didn't hear any conversation, just some slamming doors (that was H)
I told the kids that clearly we have been having issues for a while, which was no shock to them. I said that we would be making some changes but we both love them. I told them my goal is to make sure that they are ok no matter what and they nodded.
S15 was hinting around to get info and basically asked if H cheated again. I didn't confirm or deny, just said we can't get along and shouldn't live together. We love them both very much. He said "you aren't telling us some things"
S17 said, we both agreed that we will not live apart from one another. I told them that would never happen, that they will always be together no matter what.
My heart is hurting pretty badly this morning. I don't know what is coming next.
I will have to protect myself and find an attorney this morning.I don't know what he is capable of, but clearly he is only thinking of himself right now.
Realizing that I may be dealing with two people here, last night I had angry H who had been drinking. This morning I had reasonable, level headed H who wants to discuss finances and non R things calmly rationally like adults starting tonight.
When he was leaving for work, he mentioned the above. He apologized for scaring me. He wants to chip away at it slowly and try to figure out finances, the kids and how they have been affected and the household. No R talk at all.
He called a therapist and is proceeding to get his own help, according to him.
I told him that I am willing to try to discuss those things rationally with him, and see what we can come up with. I did tell him that I don't trust him right now, and clearly he doesn't trust me either.
He said "i know that you can't believe me right now but I do love you and I want our marriage. I have always loved you"
I didn't respond to that in any way.
He did hug and kiss me as he was leaving and I was uncomfortable. I didn't know what to do. He said "I love you" and I said "have a good day at work"
My stomach is in knots.
At one point I said "we both have a lot of thinking and healing to do individually, i don't know what I want right now" and he nodded.
I truly don't know if I can do this. I need to feel safe and for the past year I have felt anything but safe. I really have a lot of thinking to do.
PS..a trusted non DB friend in my life told me "believe nothing he says and only 50% of what he does"
I giggled and fully intend to do just that!!
Hi Autumn, I wish I had helpful words but just wanted you to know I'm reading your posts and thinking of you.
Autumn...
He really needs to come up w/some new, creative material.
GOD.
I'm sure the right person will be along today to give you some guidance. (my/our friend) I can provide you w/realistic preparation work, and an ear... but, I'm afraid on the "other" side of this situation, I may be projecting my own situation onto yours.
... Considering we live(d) parallel lives!
HA we sure have mindfull, sorry you had to live this parallel life that nobody should have to endure. I am also so glad that I met you because you patiently waited for me to come to this realization on my own. I was in some serious denial.
Realizing that I may be dealing with two people here, last night I had angry H who had been drinking. This morning I had reasonable, level headed H who wants to discuss finances and non R things calmly rationally like adults starting tonight.
Autumn,
When these "two people" become ONE person, for a demonstrable period of time (I would submit "six months" as a reasonable starting point), then I think you could feel safe opening back up to him emotionally, financially and legally.
Until HE gets him and shows that he can do that, I think it's time for Mamabear to protect her cubs.
Starsky
Autumn,
When these "two people" become ONE person, for a demonstrable period of time (I would submit "six months" as a reasonable starting point), then I think you could feel safe opening back up to him emotionally, financially and legally.
Until HE gets help and shows that he can do that, I think it's time for Mamabear to protect her cubs.
Starsky [/quote]
Sorry; fixed typo. Meant to say "gets HELP"
What would make you feel safe right now?
Thanks Starsky! I agree, and he has work to do in that respect. I fully intend to protect these cubs. I expect them to be good men who treat their wives with the respect that I now know I deserve. I can teach them that by showing them what is acceptable even if he is currently not. For their sakes, I hope he does soon though.
labug, I think some peace would help. I think I will get that with additional DBing. I don't want anyone to think I am physically unsafe, because I am not. I just meant emotionally
I don't want anyone to think I am physically unsafe, because I am not.
Very good, Autumn. If you feel the need to respond to him, or even proactively call him or text him something, please post here first. We'll talk some sense into you.
Starsky
I'm on board with that and anything I can do to help as well.
Hi Autumn, I wish I had helpful words but just wanted you to know I'm reading your posts and thinking of you.
so true^^^^....I shook my head while reading your post. WTH is he doing/thinking? Did you say he drank too much before and I just missed it?
So he SAYS he is getting therapy...good.
OKAY--Let's keep this simple.
You KNOW you have to see a lawyer. That's how you protect yourself AND your cubs.
Get information and learn your rights in your state. (I'd Say nothing of this to your h. He can't handle it.)
Then see how you feel on that front.
And as for your m to your h, take it one day at a time.Are you Getting real life support there? Please do, and feel free to check/call my# from eric.
I was married to an alcoholic for many years and until they get, and stay, sober, there is no hope of anything real with them. It is a very cruel, destructive, and progressive addiction. And very, very few are able to beat it.
I can say with absolute honesty that I would rather deal with a heroin addict; that's how much I hate alcoholism. Alcohol triggers the most evil part of the human brain.
The only thing you can do is detach and save yourself.
I'm so very sorry.
While I agree that alcoholism is a horrible disease, I disagree that few can over come it.
I know many people who were drinking alcoholics who are now NOT drinking alcoholics.
And it is possible to have something real with an alcoholic while they are sober, even if it is only part of the day.
Nothing is so black and white...
Additionally, groups exist for the family memebers of alcoholics to assist them in being able to deal with the illness in whatever way they choose, even continuing to live with a drinking alcoholic.
Alanon comes to mind...
AL, go DARK now. Enough texting. Your job right now is to settle your mind. That is a difficult enough task to accomplish on its own.
You are NOT there to placate him and you should not be telling him anything. That INCLUDES not texting him to let him know that you are safe. Give him time to weigh in the consequences of his actions. I agree with Starsky that he should feel like he has lost you.
This means NO CONTACT whatsoever with him. If he was truly worried about your well-being he would have thought of that beforehand.
^^^
AL, go DARK now. Enough texting. Your job right now is to settle your mind. That is a difficult enough task to accomplish on its own.
You are NOT there to placate him and you should not be telling him anything. That INCLUDES not texting him to let him know that you are safe. Give him time to weigh in the consequences of his actions. I agree with Starsky that he should feel like he has lost you.
This means NO CONTACT whatsoever with him. If he was truly worried about your well-being he would have thought of that beforehand.
^^^
This also has the benefit of helping you cope. It will give you the breathing room to rest and gather your strength. If you feel the urge to contact. Just journal. It will be difficult as you will give yourself a thousand reasons to contact him.
So write them down. And write a reason not to. To keep it in balance.
Remember. This is to protect you. And allow you the breathing room to take good care of yourself and your emotions. IT will help you with the DB path.
And remember if it is something very important to break contact. Follow the 24 hour rule. If it is important in 24 hours. Then its important. Then use your lawyer, or someone else to communicate.
Silence allows you to heal. Silence allows you to actually see that this all happens slower than your mind is tricking you into thinking.
Protect yourself now.
Gain strength and sanity.
Hey, Guys... Slow down a bit.
No one has said Autumn's H is an alcoholic. He's definitely using it as a crutch right now, and maybe she does think so... but I don't see those words, or any other conversation that might make you think so... (unless I forgot something from the other thread)
And...
She's doing well staying off of his roller-coaster. The pitch black, ZERO contact, blahblahblah is superb advice. But, remember, this information about the EA's/Possible PA's just came to light. She's still trying to wrap her arms around what she's dealing with. He still lives in their home, parents their sons, etc...
I think the guy is a royal douche, but... one step at a time.
She's NOT engaging him. She's NOT being trapped into conversations. She's doing well, not perfect, but pretty well!
I think she understands her next steps. I've talked to her quite a bit off forum, so I probably understand a bit better. But, she's doing great.
Let's not get ahead of ourselves, and help her as she needs it when she needs it.
Oh, and Autumn... these people are some of the very best from the group that helped me... so much.
Hey, Guys... Slow down a bit.
No one has said Autumn's H is an alcoholic.
No Autumn didn't say he was an alcoholic, but others have jumped to that conclusion, which seemed extreme to me.
I was also wondering why there seems to be such fear regarding her safety and a NEED to get her to go Dark.
Autumn herself says she means emotional safety when she talks about that and nothing more.
I thought I was the one missing something LOL.
mindfull I was under the impression that she just got home from 4 days away. That she was struggling with extra contact while under the same roof.
I was offering the path of working with her own thoughts by herself.
You can be dark within the same house.
Just takes nerves of steel and patience.
Cutter. You got it w/the patience and nerves!!!!!
It is the way that alcohol affects someone which makes them alcoholic. There are certainly high-functioning alkies who can drink every day and still make it to work, etc. And there are "occasional drinkers" who are alcoholics.
Autumn has already stated how embarrassing her h's behavior was at the neighbors house and how his mood changes when he drinks.
What bothers me is the way he treats her while under the influence; the mean jabs, baiting, spoiling for a fight, comments made to throw her off balance, and some gas lighting thrown in for good measure.
Then he is "sorry" after.
This is classic. I know it well. I lived with a high-functioning alkie for many years.
It is a progressive addiction that will only get worse.
Autumn.
HollyAnn makes an excellent point... What's helpful in her words is either (her) definition of an alcoholic and/or an organizations (AA? Al-Anon?) definition of an alcoholic... Including how the drinkers actions affect everyone else, not just themselves...!
I know Starsky recommended Al-Anon. I liked the idea from the beginning, for help w/understanding your affect/role in this possibility. I love it now after reading HollyAnn's (personal experience) post.
Just remember... No matter his words and actions right now. They are a symptom of the problem... Actually a reaction, too. The man is cheating sober, too.
So. For you and your family's sake, consider Al-Anon. But, do it in tandem w/the rest of your plan. His potential alcoholism isn't the problem, it's just the first one to deal w/in a possible reconciliation OR future in co-parenting.
How did it go last night?
Loved the strength and resolve in your tone after dinner-time!!!
Well, our definition of alcoholic is different (huge suprise). I also have dealt with alcoholics who are sweet as pie even when drunk, but they still NEED to drink.
Alanon does help others learn how to deal with the effects of someones drinking and that is why I think it might be helpful.
Gosh, golly, our definition of gaslighting is also different. I guess using Holly Ann's definition, we are all guilty of doing it as well as victims of it, because we express our differing perspectives on a situation...
Autumn,
You are doing great not allowing your anger to fuel your choices. Anger should always be used as a shield and not a sword.
Sorry.
I'm really only back on DB for Autumn, because her situation seemed eerily similar... So, I don't know everyone's interactions.... I don't understand the use of (huge surprise). Even if I did know, I probably wouldn't get it!
Well, our definition of alcoholic is different (huge suprise). I also have dealt with alcoholics who are sweet as pie even when drunk, but they still NEED to drink.
Alanon does help others learn how to deal with the effects of someones drinking and that is why I think it might be helpful.
Gosh, golly, our definition of gaslighting is also different. I guess using Holly Ann's definition, we are all guilty of doing it as well as victims of it, because we express our differing perspectives on a situation...
Autumn,
You are doing great not allowing your anger to fuel your choices. Anger should always be used as a shield and not a sword.
Yeah, that's nice. But that is not Autumn's h.
I see little chance of this guy being real unless the alcohol is dealt with. Seems he can't drink without acting like a douche toward her.
This is classic. I know it well. I lived with a high-functioning alkie for many years.
It is a progressive addiction that will only get worse.
As is the affair, unfortunately. Much the same dynamics.
Starsky
Just remember... No matter his words and actions right now. They are a symptom of the problem... Actually a reaction, too. The man is cheating sober, too.
So. For you and your family's sake, consider Al-Anon. But, do it in tandem w/the rest of your plan. His potential alcoholism isn't the problem, it's just the first one to deal w/in a possible reconciliation OR future in co-parenting.
Starsky
Yeah, that's nice. But that is not Autumn's h.
I see little chance of this guy being real unless the alcohol is dealt with. Seems he can't drink without acting like a douche toward her.
Very true, my H says some very mean and hateful things to me when drunk. His personality changes and he gets cocky. Most people outside of our m see him as a fun "party guy" but to me he gets critical and condescending.
It wasn't always this way. His drinking has been getting progressively worse. Went from beer, to a lot of beer, to hard liquor, very strong drinks with little mixers, shots daily.
So while I haven't said it here, yes I do believe he is an alcoholic.
I am seeking out al anon meetings. I have gone before but hit or miss, I was in denial but no more. I am going to do this for me because while living under the same roof I need the additional support.
25 you asked about my local support, and unfortunately I really don't have any. My family all lives in NJ and I am in PA. H's family is all here and has been my support in other things, but obviously can't be in this. My parents are both about an hour and a half in different directions from me. I do have one brother who lives in PA but he is 26 and I wouldn't think to lean on him for any of this. He is just going back to school for his PhD and doesn't need to worry about his sister.
I have some very good girlfriends that I think I can call on and gain support from, because this is going to be a long road.
I have an appt with a D atty on Tuesday morning to gather information and continue to plan. I am not telling him any of this, as it would set him off.
Last night when he got home he kissed me, and I asked him to please stop that as it made me uncomfortable. He said he understood.
He is trying to just brush this under as if nothing happened and expects me to do the same. Obviously I won't be doing that.
This weekend I really intend to GAL and enjoy the weekend. I have some gardening to do, and may go out with some girlfriends, still deciding.
Sounds like you are getting your ducks in a row AL, great job!
I know it has to be so difficult considering the current state of your affairs
Hope you have a great GAL weekend and I'm wishing you the best!!
I have an appt with a D atty on Tuesday morning to gather information and continue to plan. I am not telling him any of this, as it would set him off.
Very good, and wise. There are ways you can be truthful, but stealthy at the same time, Autumn. "I'm not sure what I want to do yet; sounds like we both have some important decisions to make" is a truthful -- yet still appropriately vague -- statement.
H: Do you want a divorce?
A: No, I've never wanted a divorce, but this isn't working for me either. I'm not sure what I want to do right now; I think we both have some important decisions to make.
H: What are you telling people?
A: Obviously, people know we're having problems right now, and I need the support. This is very hard on everyone.
H: Have you told your dad that I'm having an affair?
A: Look, I don't want to get into this right now. I'm certainly not going to LIE to cover up your affair, if that's what you're asking me. Look, I need to run a few errands, I"ll be back in a couple of hours.
Starsky
Autumn -
I hate this for you, but I'm so proud of you and your resolve.
I'm jealous, since I was such a twit for so long.
I'm here all day!
PS - Starsky and I didn't pow wow ahead of time with those potential responses... (see above post!) Remember, you need to buy a little time, not be influenced by his "ride", yet, keep everyone safe, sound, and SANE!
Autumn, take care of yourself.
I hope you find Alanon helpful, I sure have. And you don't even have to consider if he's an alcoholic, just if his drinking is causing problems for you. Totally takes the pressure off of "labeling." It's not our job to decide if they are alcoholics nor to save them.
Try several different meetings to find one where you fit.
((((A)))
And you don't even have to consider if he's an alcoholic, just if his drinking is causing problems for you. Totally takes the pressure off of "labeling." It's not our job to decide if they are alcoholics nor to save them.
That is a GREAT way to put it, labug.
Starsky
I have an appt with a D atty on Tuesday morning to gather information and continue to plan. I am not telling him any of this, as it would set him off.
Very good, and wise. There are ways you can be truthful, but stealthy at the same time, Autumn. "I'm not sure what I want to do yet; sounds like we both have some important decisions to make" is a truthful -- yet still appropriately vague -- statement.
H: Do you want a divorce?
A: No, I've never wanted a divorce, but this isn't working for me either. I'm not sure what I want to do right now; I think we both have some important decisions to make.
H: What are you telling people?
A: Obviously, people know we're having problems right now, and I need the support. This is very hard on everyone.
H: Have you told your dad that I'm having an affair?
A: Look, I don't want to get into this right now. I'm certainly not going to LIE to cover up your affair, if that's what you're asking me. Look, I need to run a few errands, I"ll be back in a couple of hours.
Starsky
Awesome advice!
And great job on not telegraphing your moves to h, Autumn. Steady as she goes.
Thanks everyone! I am slightly nervous for this weekend. It is exactly one week today since I approached him with the information that I had, and he confessed. But last weekend was busy with a family wedding. So this weekend is a true test for me.
Weekends were the worst for me when my wife and I went thru our stuff. It was easy to find ways to stay out of each other's way during the week, what with work, kids' activities, going to the gym at separate times, etc., but I used to get a KNOT IN MY STOMACH every Friday afternoon. It turns into a sort of weird, warped corollary of what everyone else's weeks are, where you dread Fridays and look forward to Mondays, lol.
Starsky
hah, i've been kind of feeling the same way since things have fallen apart with h. i get that same knot friday afternoons and weekends since we used to spend all that time together and now things are just kind of awkward. what i've been doing is kind of running away friday nights and spending the weekend at my parents. the knot returns though when i have to go back home sunday night.
Weekends were the worst for me when my wife and I went thru our stuff. It was easy to find ways to stay out of each other's way during the week, what with work, kids' activities, going to the gym at separate times, etc., but I used to get a KNOT IN MY STOMACH every Friday afternoon. It turns into a sort of weird, warped corollary of what everyone else's weeks are, where you dread Fridays and look forward to Mondays, lol.
Starsky
Multiple emails and texts today, just small talk or "can I call I have a funny joke" or "you looked cute sleeping this morning"
It makes me sad really. A few weeks ago I would have loved to hear both of those things. It is just sad.
Don't worry I didn't respond. The one time I said "sorry in a meeting right now" and the rest I deleted.
The same person who wanted to go out all the time, and party with his "friends" now wants to stay home and garden this weekend. He hasn't done anything around here in a long time. I was really hoping for the alone time. I suppose I will need to make some plans to be out now.
Staying off his roller coaster but man is this house small
Multiple emails and texts today, just small talk or "can I call I have a funny joke" or "you looked cute sleeping this morning"
It makes me sad really. A few weeks ago I would have loved to hear both of those things. It is just sad.
Are these his 180s? Some form of new behavior or effort? I can see why you feel sad.
You may feel "it's too little too late." But guess what?
you do NOT have to decide that now.Don't worry I didn't respond. The one time I said "sorry in a meeting right now" and the rest I deleted.
The same person who wanted to go out all the time, and party with his "friends" now wants to stay home and garden this weekend. He hasn't done anything around here in a long time. I was really hoping for the alone time. I suppose I will need to make some plans to be out now.
anything on that list that HE CAN do that would help you? If acts of service are his love language and the yard needs some work, let him!
Maybe he wants the "quality time together" to make a point. It's fine for you to say "too soon for me" And know inside that it might not ever happen...
but again, you do NOT have to decide (or label--good point Labug) that today.
Staying off his roller coaster but man is this house small
Glad you are seeing the L. You are merely gathering intel right now so you can make informed choices.
If you win the lottery, buy a bigger house.
(and again, feel free to call--I left a vm on their contact#)
PS--the local support might be Al Anon...I found them very helpful with my dad's issues as I grew up.
A decade later when I had our first child and Christmas came, a lot of stuff was triggered. (This was shortly before EE)
So I went to my old meeting again. I saw a guy there who'd been attending that SAME group for over a decade and He literally told the same story about his father's drinking. (His dad was dead). The guy had made zero personal progress or changes in HIS life and he was now an adult.
So yes, some folks there wallow in victimhood.
I do NOT worry about that with you. When my father was dying from drinking (liver cancer) in '93 I had to explain who he was to those who asked. And I gave the eulogy.
I don't want to summarize his whole life with a label ("alcoholic") or a reader's digest 3 lines. He was complicated.
He was a brilliant well educated man with some truly great qualities and I miss him
to this day.He was also a raging alcoholic for 21 years of my life and when he died he'd only been sober about 2 years for which I'm grateful...he died sober too. Also a gift.
I suspect you have many deeply conflicting emotions now, PLUS you are also reeling from the OW.
No labels or definitive diagnosis from you are needed...surely not today, or this week.
Give yourself the gift of time that you DO have...and get informed about your legal/financial options.
And in time, & with other support, you can see how you FEEL...
Multiple emails and texts today, just small talk or "can I call I have a funny joke" or "you looked cute sleeping this morning"
It makes me sad really. A few weeks ago I would have loved to hear both of those things. It is just sad.
Don't worry I didn't respond. The one time I said "sorry in a meeting right now" and the rest I deleted.
The same person who wanted to go out all the time, and party with his "friends" now wants to stay home and garden this weekend. He hasn't done anything around here in a long time. I was really hoping for the alone time. I suppose I will need to make some plans to be out now.
Staying off his roller coaster but man is this house small
Autumn,
Plan on these moods and tactics of his swinging wildly over the weekend, as he sees one method not "working" (not getting you to respond, and indicate that "everything is just okay with Autumn"). He may start out nice and sweet, then shift to "OK, so you're not responding now?" followed by "How childish." then back to a funny joke. Then angry. Then threaten a "see, this is why we never will work," yadda yadda yadda "we might as well get a divorce then!" etc.
I fully expect him to try to initiate sex with you.
His methods will change. Just be ready. He knows your "Autumn buttons" better than perhaps anyone else on the planet. Expect him to push them all.
Starsky
^^^^^^
My thoughts exactly.
Just keep yourself on track. If you feel yourself getting "trapped".. or starting to feel those red flags.. abandon ship.
It's okay to end a conversation. It's okay to walk away.
No matter what he may say.. it's completely ok.
All the button pushing, all the tactic changing.. it's all about HIM and dealing with his feelings and has nothing really to do with YOU.
Keep that the fore-front of your mind. You'll be okay.
((( )))
Warning: PG-13 Rated
If you have sex with him, I'll personally fly there and thump you!
J/K
I know you won't.
Keep up the good stuff.
Oh mindfull, you know better than that
Not gonna happen!!
25 I wish that I could say they were 180's for him, but sadly it is what he does after he has done something wrong. It is what typically worked for me, to let things go and forgive him for whatever it was.
It is making it difficult for me to keep my focus, obviously he knows my buttons.
This morning he offered to bring me coffee in bed, and I politely declined. He made me breakfast and I thanked him.
He is working on the landscaping today after not touching anything around the house for a year. He fixed two doors last night too. For the past year I have had to hire handymen to do minor things (painting, yard clean up).
He hugged me this morning and then apologized and said "i will give you the space you need"
He also said "you are ignoring my calls, texts and emails and I don't know how to speak to you when I see you after you have ignored me all day" I responded that I am just trying to heal and I need the space to heal. He said "i understand"
As he was leaving to run errands this morning he invited me to go with him tonight. He is meeting some of our friends at a pub for dinner and said "you are welcome to join me" I politely declined. He said "I am around all day in case you change your mind"
I am making plans with a girlfriend and going out tonight. I have a great new dress that I am dying to wear.
He has already texted me while getting his hair cut. How in the world can you go DARK when he won't stop?
I can't help but feel sad that this is the person that I wished for before, but I have to keep reminding myself of the way he has been treating me for a year.
Al,
looks like he trying to "make up" for things by being nice to you, now.
Going dark will require you to reach deep down. Going out with friends will help.
Going dark will be a true test for him too. How long will he be willing to win you back?
It's going to take time for you to forgive him.
Referring back to Starsky's post on the previous thread, know what it's going to take for YOU to feel secure again.
I like suggesting MC. I also like when the BS says "even though were going to MC, doesn't mean things will work out".
Trust is build one day at a time.
Enjoy the nice weather here.
gr8
Thanks gr8! I agree, in addition to each of us seeing an IC, we will have to go to MC. I just don't want to give him false hope. It may very well be for co-parenting at this point. It has happened more than once and I just don't know if I can take the chance that it will happen again. I have a lot of thinking to do.
It is great weather here isn't it? I can't get over the temps. I just finished steam cleaning the carpets and now I am taking the dog to the dog park to have some alone time.
Hope you are enjoying this weather too!
Autumn, take care of yourself.
I hope you find Alanon helpful, I sure have. And you don't even have to consider if he's an alcoholic, just if his drinking is causing problems for you. Totally takes the pressure off of "labeling." It's not our job to decide if they are alcoholics nor to save them.
Try several different meetings to find one where you fit.
((((A)))
Wow. Interesting perspective considering that the core of AA or AlAnon is: Getting Real Honest:
"Hi, my name is_______ and I'm an alcoholic."...."Hi______"
"Hi, my name is________and I am the wife of an alcoholic." "Hi______"
What is up with the "label" bit? And the resistance to calling something what it really is? How does one deal with anything that they are reluctant to name?
What should we label oh, say.....breast cancer? Let's just call it.....something else...?
"Hi, my name is_______and I like to stick my head in the sand because labels are just too specific and may help me address my problem a lot sooner, instead of drawing out the process with as much pain and drama as possible, because I am too chickensh!t to be honest about the affliction..... " Hi______"
holly,
my guess is the reason she was advised not to bother labelling or diagnosing him (though she already said he's an alcoholic/problem drinker)
is b/c she's wondering if the marriage itself is repairable and whether she can forgive another affair AND
how to cope with him being in the house and now behaving the way she always wanted him to in the past.
(It's hardly a case of her being in denial, if that's what you fear.)
Spending her energy on whether he's an alcoholic or not isn't her main focus right now.
b/c Healing herself, & seeing an attorney for legal protection, are higher on her list, and wondering IF and HOW she can forgive...
Or so I assume.
Well Holly Ann in the Alanon I go to it's all about those of us in the room, family and friends of problem drinkers and sometimes they are alcoholics.
In my time in Alanon I've never heard anyone say "Hi, my name is________and I am the wife of an alcoholic." EVER. But your experience may be different.
I was going to respond with a lengthier post but decided that staging a throw-down here is not helpful for Autumn's situation.
People who are affected by problem drinking can find help in Alanon.
You want to quibble with me you can take it to my thread so as not to take up space here. But know that I'm dropping the rope.
Thanks for sharing.
No, I don't think that Autumn is the one who's in denial. She's handling things pretty well.
However, she was advised to check out AlAnon; no point in doing that unless you believe your h is an alkie. And Autumn does.
Why not call something what it really is? Why play silly label games? It just adds a layer of B.S. or sanitizes an issue. We're all adults here, right? We can handle "the truth," right?
And the truth is: alcohol is part of her marital problem. Making stupid decisions while under the influence is how affairs can start as well.
Why not call something what it really is? Why play silly label games?
Silly games? First she has recognized what the problem is.
Wow! I wish I was that smart. I don't pretend to be...
Let's just recognize and give her advice as they would in Alanon or here whether H is an alocoholic or not?
Detach.
There is not a goshern thing you can do Autumn.
There isn't.
No matter what any one says.
Or their cousins by the dozens...
UNTIL
HE decides to do it.
You?
Best advice has been given.
Take care of yourself legally, financially and most importantly emotionally.
This is a tough road and it can ruin your life.
BUT
As people here would be testament to...
You can also make your life more meaningful.
You can decide to reconcile this tragedy for yourself.
I always ask this:
You made a vow, for better or worse, this is certainly the worse.
What does that mean to you?
Most people don't have the stomach for worse.
Why not call something what it really is? Why play silly label games?
Silly games?
First she has recognized what the problem is.
Wow! I wish I was that smart. I don't pretend to be...
Let's just recognize and give her advice as they would in Alanon or here whether H is an alocoholic or not?
Detach.
There is not a goshern thing you can do Autumn.
There isn't.
No matter what any one says.
Or their cousins by the dozens...
UNTIL
HE decides to do it.
You?
Best advice has been given.
Take care of yourself legally, financially and most importantly emotionally.
This is a tough road and it can ruin your life.
BUT
As people here would be testament to...
You can also make your life more meaningful.
You can decide to reconcile this tragedy for yourself.
I always ask this:
You made a vow, for better or worse, this is certainly the worse.
What does that mean to you?
Most people don't have the stomach for worse.
Yeah, I know; I already pointed that out.
Autumn
is not the one in denial or mislabeling.
Autumn was advised to check out Al-Anon. No point in doing that if your h isn't an alkie.
This is untrue. Alanon can be of great help to anyone dealing with someone who drinks.
why not call something what it really is?
Ok Kimmie Lee...
Autumn. How was your night?
Good morning! It was awkward to say the least. He was gardening all day and had plans to go out at 6 with friends of ours. He invited me and I guess he was hoping I would change my mind.
My next door neighbor invited me for a visit and then I found out that he was invited as well, so I decided not to go. Then H decided not to go. Yikes.
He rented a few movies and was staying in. I said "I thought you were going out with M and N tonight?" and his response was "I changed my mind but if you want to go WE can go". I said "no thanks I was planning a quiet night"
There was no arguing, he is being very helpful and kind but that is his way of 'making things right' and that is clearly not working for me like it has in the past.
I really hope that he gets in to see an IC this week, for his sake and for mine.
I am heading to church in an hour and I have a dinner with a large group of friends tonight. Looking forward to it.
PS..re: the advice above, I took what I needed from it and I appreciate all of you responding but I have to keep my focus right now.
Autumn.
Sounds like an excellent day. Stay the course.
You'll get a lot of extra "noise" here, as everyone wants to help, and so many opinions!!!! I had a lot of that... My problem... I took the advice i wanted to hear not always the advice i should hear!!! I'm glad you're a quicker study!
Keep in touch.
Autumn.
Sounds like an excellent day. Stay the course.
You'll get a lot of extra "noise" here, as everyone wants to help, and so many opinions!!!! I had a lot of that... My problem... I took the advice i wanted to hear not always the advice i should hear!!! I'm glad you're a quicker study!
Keep in touch.
Yeah, a bit of variety is good.
Autumn, that did sound awkward with you and h's day. Sometimes, even though sad and stressful, our sitches can take on an absurd, surreal, and perversely comic quality.
So true HollyAnn, surreal yet comical is the way I am seeing it right now.
Last night, he kissed me out of the blue. I mean somewhat of a passionate kiss.
This morning I said "that is not ok, and can't happen again"
I feel like it is a manipulation and tactic and he claims it is just natural for him and "i am just kissing my wife, we've been together for 20+ years"
He just sent me a text message to apologize, "on top of the many things I am sorry for, I apologize for making matters worse last night. It just felt natural. I am really sorry. No need to reply. I just wanted to state it"
I am not replying
I have plans with some friends tonight and plan to be gone before he leaves. I really don't like to do that too much because the kids will only see me leaving, which is not what I want. He has an upper hand by hanging around all the time. This is the guy who wanted to go out all the time, and I held him back. I just wish he would go already.
He flips from "sorry for what I said (EA) but I didn't cheat on you (PA)" and I tell him I don't believe him. I said it is very unlikely that the only two times he did it were the times I caught him. He denies
In the next breath he is blaming me and saying I am controlling and even telling him what help to get. I asked him if he would consider EE. He said yes but later said he was only doing it for me. I said "don't do it if it is for me, it has to be for you"
He managed to find and meet with the seamstress making our boat cover this week, but can't seem to get an appt with a therapist or even get someone on the phone. Our priorities are clearly different
I am continuing on my path, have an appt with an IC and also the atty this week, and will continue to make my plan
Autumn,
Good morning!
I am glad to hear you are holding your boundaries. I know this is HARD.
You may have told us this, but I can't remember: do we know if your husband's OW has a drinking (or any other substance abuse) problem?
There will come a point where we can help you deal with your husband's "I swear I'm telling the truth" statements, but that will come later. For now, you're handling it perfectly, saying things like "I'm sorry but I don't trust you right now," and "Considering how you've already lied, I'm having a hard time believing you right now," etc.
Starsky
Good morning!!
Thank you Starsky, it is really hard. I feel like I am quite confused at time and I know he is counting on that because it has worked in the past. I don't know much about OW. I do know that H surrounds himself with "party friends" and likes to say "I am not as bad as XYZ" so chances are good.
Holding my boundaries is very tough at times. He said as he was leaving for work this morning "I don't know what to say or do that isn't going to make you angrier than you already are"
I told him the anger is less and less, I am more concerned with my indifference at times. I truly can see myself moving on alone, the more he blames me and refuses to do anything.
I am taking a LONG bike ride on my lunch hour today. It is gorgeous out and I really want to enjoy it!
Holding my boundaries is very tough at times. He said as he was leaving for work this morning "I don't know what to say or do that isn't going to make you angrier than you already are"
This is the 3rd or 4th time he has said something similar to this, I think. You may want to say next time "Look, I'm sorry and I'm trying to be civil here, but it's really not my job to make YOU feel better about the destructive choices you've been making lately. If this is awkward for you, that's your issue, not mine. In case you haven't noticed, this is very difficult on ALL of us, including the boys, so please don't ask me that again."
Starsky
Good morning!!
Thank you Starsky, it is really hard. I feel like I am quite confused at time and I know he is counting on that because it has worked in the past.
Without question.When he sees that his currect tactics are not working, expect him to change them -- perhaps drastically.
Starsky
Autumn (and Starsky):
I know we discussed, asking for some help w/making him respect your space now. If he can't respect your request...
Thankfully, your appointment is tomorrow, and you can start to make some decisions, and understand your options.
You're right. You can't just keep GAL away from your home, because you can't be around him.
I don't know much about OW. I do know that H surrounds himself with "party friends" and likes to say "I am not as bad as XYZ" so chances are good.
It would be HIGHLY "script" if she were an enabler, including having a drinking problem herself.
MWD teaches in DB and DR to find out as much as you can abuot the OP, so that you can learn what it is that they may be providing that your wayward spouse is responding to.
I'm not saying (if it turns out she has a drinking problem) that you should then go out and party it up with your husband!! . . . just saying that "knowledge is power," and will add a piece to the puzzle.
Starsky
Very true Starsky and that is a great suggestion. I did say to him that he is less worried about our feelings and only worried about his. I also told him I wondered if he truly wants his marriage like he tells me or if he is afraid to lose his lifestyle. He hesitated before answering "marriage, I don't care about lifestyle". I don't believe him
I have this in my phone and it pops up as a reminder to me daily:
"By owning my decisions, honoring my boundaries and my authentic self and engaging a healthy and loving support system, I live the passionate, joyful life I deserve"
It is good to remind myself daily!!
Autumn (and Starsky):
I know we discussed, asking for some help w/making him respect your space now. If he can't respect your request...
Thankfully, your appointment is tomorrow, and you can start to make some decisions, and understand your options.
You're right. You can't just keep GAL away from your home, because you can't be around him.
Agree. "A", you shouldn't have to (you haven't done anything wrong!), and "B" the boys need you around MORE during this time, not LESS. So going out right now (during reasonable hours), is a short-term, self-preservation tactic we are advising you. Your atty can tell you what your options are going forward.
Starsky
I have this in my phone and it pops up as a reminder to me daily:
"By owning my decisions, honoring my boundaries and my authentic self and engaging a healthy and loving support system, I live the passionate, joyful life I deserve"
Very true Starsky and that is a great suggestion. I did say to him that he is less worried about our feelings and only worried about his. I also told him I wondered if he truly wants his marriage like he tells me or if he is afraid to lose his lifestyle. He hesitated before answering "marriage, I don't care about lifestyle". I don't believe him
Try not to "teach" him too much right now. I've heard it said that "you can't teach a wayward," and I think that's largely true. You CAN, however, land little "truth darts" from time to time (like you did just there ^ ), but pick your spots -- maybe 2-3x/week, tops.
Starsky
He'd better save that money intended for the boat cover! At the very least, he'll need it for about a million counseling sessions!
Still so confused by some of his responses. He truly doesn't see that he did anything wrong? He swears there was no PA but how can he not see that the things he did were equally as bad.
We had the history of his previous affair and he offered oral sex to a woman from his past. When she said 'are you serious' he said "try me" and there were discussions of getting together for a baseball game and "if we get into trouble, oh well"
He keeps telling me that he wasn't going to do anything and it is just "trash talking"
He can't really be that arrogant to think that I believe him, or worse yet does he believe it himself.
I said "honestly, the two times you were caught were probably not the only times, chances are good there were others in between"
Could he really be that delusional?
Looking forward to my appointment tomorrow morning!
Autumn.
Do you really expect him to admit it??
He will lose his cozy life @ home w/his family (when he wants to be with them).
He will lose his cushy lifestyle. Condo for one??! If he's fortunate...
Boat??? What boat???
Eating Out/Partying all the time? Not sure that's in the budget after dealing w/the fallout of a divorce/two households, AND still helping a college student...
Nope. Not a surprise. He's getting good at the lying, too. He has a history.
I still don't hear any remorse coming from him. Just pissyness because he's caught.
Just because he thinks he is in grade school does not mean that you have to think that.
What is with people who have affairs and act like it was a grade 5 4 pm to 5 pm walk down the street holding hands.
I know, you are right!
So I think he may have seen my list of questions for the atty, but I'm not sure. He just left to go to a friends house. I am thankful for the quiet. The kids left for the gym, and I feel terrible that they never want to be here anymore but I don't blame them.
He sent me a text saying "you had plans, the kids aren't home so I am not going to sit home and feel sorry for myself, I am going to E's house. I was not being spiteful, I made these plans earlier"
I think it was because he saw my questions but I have no proof.
There is nothing I can do about it now, I just need to keep moving and form my plan.
I truly hate this!!
And Starsky, I should have known it was SCRIPT. I don't know why I don't know this by now for crying out loud.
On a positive note, I just found a new home church and got a very nice welcoming message today from an elder. I am very excited to get to know them better and go again this Sunday.
Well.
I guess, if he saw your list of questions, he might start to understand that his same ol' approach isn't working!!!
How great to find a new home church!!!
I miss church. For years we were members at an Assemblies of God, Pentecostal Church. Way too charismatic for my taste. Then, we went to a mega non-denominational church, but only mostly on holidays. It's great, but almost too big. And, now, since the kids go to a Lutheran school, I've been most comfortable in a Lutheran church. It's just hard to get there!!!
I was going to tell you to hug your boys tight... But I know how they are!
To Plan B in the same house. You need to go to staples and buy a small safe. Or you need to store your important stuff somewhere offsite.
Great suggestion chatterbug. I thought I could keep things in my locked office but it seems that he ransacked my desk and checked my computer while I was healing at my fathers last week.
Sometimes I just shake my head wondering who this person is and how I ended up here.
Having some trouble sleeping so I got a jump on the day this morning. I am very thankful to have so much support both here and in my RL. It really does help.
I was having a tough time last night and received texts from a few dear friends just to say "thinking of you tomorrow, good luck". It really does help.
To Plan B in the same house. You need to go to staples and buy a small safe. Or you need to store your important stuff somewhere offsite.
I read this quickly, and thought it said... You need to go STRAPLESS! LoL
I thought... Chatter has lost his mind if he thinks this woman's strap (or lack of) placement will help!
Good Luck, Autumn!
I went to see the atty this morning and I really feel comfortable with her. We went through everything and she had a better feel for my sitch and what is likely. I feel like I have the knowledge that I needed and can use it as I figure out my next steps.
She advised me not to leave the marital home and also that I could not force him to leave either. I asked him to leave last week and he refused.
I feel relieved to have that first consult behind me.
I have this in my phone and it pops up as a reminder to me daily:
"By owning my decisions, honoring my boundaries and my authentic self and engaging a healthy and loving support system, I live the passionate, joyful life I deserve"
It is good to remind myself daily!!
Like^^^^^^
Autumn. Now go enjoy this beautiful day. And get that safe.
Great call chatterbug. I think I will call it a day early and get out for a bit, maybe take the dog for a nice long walk. Thank you for the suggestion!!
So it seems that H may be getting the hint after all. He went out for the evening last night and I had the house to myself and today is the very first day I have not gotten one email or text from him. Interesting!!
Like I said . . . "varying and suddenly-changing tactics."
Remember its not interesting.... It is what it is...
You can only control yourself.
Others you can call out bad behavior.
Its up to them to own it.
If you can follow this. Then you will slowly stop with the mind reading and second guessing.
Then it is reactions to your actions.
I have this in my phone and it pops up as a reminder to me daily:
"By owning my decisions, honoring my boundaries and my authentic self and engaging a healthy and loving support system, I live the passionate, joyful life I deserve"
It is good to remind myself daily!!
Like^^^^^^
love the contract you have. Good work...
Remember its not interesting.... It is what it is...
You can only control yourself.
Others you can call out bad behavior.
Its up to them to own it.
If you can follow this. Then you will slowly stop with the mind reading and second guessing.
Then it is reactions to your actions.
You are absolutely right, and that is a habit I am trying to break.
I will do my homework and gather what I need to gather and go from there.
Thanks 25, I knew that you would know that it was my contract LOL
Ironically it was written in January but exactly what I read right now. I guess I wasn't as much in denial as I thought I was.
I have it in my office, on my fridge, in my car...you get the point.
H was still not giving me space last night and an argument developed. I explained that I have been asking for space and just not getting it, he was here all weekend and actually cancelled plans. He agreed that he didn't give me the space I requested.
I again asked him if he would leave the home, and this time he is agreeing to consider it. He said he will look at his options and mentioned consulting an L to see what this means. He said until he leaves he will give me space, and I won't even know he is here.
He is saying "we just need to stop the bleeding". To me it is so much deeper than that.
This morning he proceeded to blame me and said "its not all my fault" and "I didn't do anything physical, it was just a few stupid emails"
I reminded him that "I don't believe you. You made a choice, and I now question so many other things and what has been real since we've been having issues" His response "our issues are so much deeper than that"
I'm having a tough morning to say the least. I am gathering the docs I need and trying to focus on work today. It is tough because I have a lump in my throat and some trouble catching my breath.
I just want to wake up from this awful nightmare. Ok enough pity party
I'm having a tough morning to say the least. I am gathering the docs I need and trying to focus on work today. It is tough because I have a lump in my throat and some trouble catching my breath.
I just want to wake up from this awful nightmare. Ok enough pity party
Autumn,
It's OK to have mornings -- DAYS -- like this. It's to be expected. Think of your emotions as steam, and your body having a valve. The more you learn to detach and control things on a day-to-day basis, the more it's going to build up SOMEWHERE, and occasionally it's going to come out. I found myself going from having this moments once a day or so, then once every-other day, and then once every couple of weeks or so. I mean violently-sobbing-into-a-bath-towel-at-2am-with-the-fan-on-to-block-the-sound kinda episodes.
It's natural. And healthy.Your responses to your huband have been good. Unfortunately, his atty -- if he's any good at all -- is going to tell him NOT to leave the house (possible "abandonment"), so you two are going to have to learn to navigate around each other. As a man, I know if you told me something like "You're SMOTHERING me! And it's not very attractive, frankly," it would probably have an effect on me. NO MAN wants to hear that what he's doing is "unattractive," lol.
Starsky
Thank you, that actually helps to think about the steam/valve. Thankfully the kids are at school and I work from home, its just me and the dog. I keep having sobbing moments out of the blue, very unsettling feeling.
I've thought of that too starsky, if he really does talk to a L, they will tell him not to leave. I know that mine did. I'll find a way to handle whatever comes. I have to.
At one point this morning when he was blaming me, I got my Irish up a little and said "if I am really as horrible as you say, than you should be relieved" He said "i'm not relieved that my marriage is ending"
I apologized for throwing any unnecessary digs and will do my best not to stoop to that level, it was my hurt coming out but I don't want to be that person. I don't like that.
So much for the space, he emailed me when he got to work to let me know that one of his coworkers died this morning. He was the same age as my H. I didn't know him so he said the reason he was telling me was, it was an allergy related death and my S15 just developed seasonal allergies. I did respond with an I'm sorry for your loss email, and will keep an eye on S15. I wasn't sure what to do and I was sobbing at the moment, so possibly I shouldn't have responded at all.
So much for the space, he emailed me when he got to work to let me know that one of his coworkers died this morning. He was the same age as my H. I didn't know him so he said the reason he was telling me was, it was an allergy related death and my S15 just developed seasonal allergies. I did respond with an I'm sorry for your loss email, and will keep an eye on S15. I wasn't sure what to do and I was sobbing at the moment, so possibly I shouldn't have responded at all.
I think your response was fine.
Starsky
I've thought of that too starsky, if he really does talk to a L, they will tell him not to leave. I know that mine did. I'll find a way to handle whatever comes. I have to.
You do have one thing going for you that he doesn't, however: you're operating rationally, and free from outside pressures. He could very well have OW pressuring him to NOT be in the same house/bedroom/bed with you (VERY much "script"), and his own guilt is likely pressuring him to get the hell out of there.
It was once said to me that "a wayward immediately loses 30 IQ points when they start having an affair," and I've found that to pretty much be true.
He could still end up doing something foolish, legally, despite his atty's advice.
Starsky