I read an article this weekend on the 12 girls from upstate NY that developed ticks. Environmentalist have come to the area to examine the soil for toxins and parents are afraid to send their kids to the school. The psyhcological explaination has been viewed by many in the media as having a gender bias. The girls felt the pshycological explaination meant they were faking it and their ticks weren't real.
I have no idea whether these ticks developed from a toxic chemical in the environment or these girls developed a pshyological disease. This article made me realize that if the cause is all in their head it doesnt mean that the results are not the same. That they are still suffering from a very real disease.
On to my update. Again H and I had a lovely morning in the park with the girls though H feels nothing for me and is distant. It is still so nice pretending we are a family. On the way home, H asks if my father/lawyer thought the preliminary agreement was fair. I say yes expect he has different idea of custody agreement. I say my father doesnt like how the current arrangement is not formally set and we just go job by job and month to month sometimes even week to week.
I could tell my H did not like this answer. He wants me to agree to this fly by the seat of our pants custody agreement. He says that because we both work freelance jobs we cant commit to a traditional schedule. I tell him my father thinks a traditional schedule is better for the kids.
H leaves 15 minutes later with the girls and calls me from the car when he is with them. He is upset but very calm (as usual) Says he thinks that I am going to try to keep the girls from him. My father says that our decision to separate has consequences and this is one of them. I said I dont know if I agree with my father but its hard for me not to trust his judgement since he has been the one taking care of me. We agree to go to the family therapist next weekend to figure it out. He also through in something like, I cant wait another month to move forward with this process its just too long for me.
So now the freight train is back on the track.
While I was writing this a mutual male friend "J" called. He told me that he suspects my H is having a affair with the other woman but does not have any solid proof. J said when he was at my H new apartment in december he was giving himself a tour and thought the apartment was really nice. He was about to open a closet in my daughters room, on his self guided tour, and my H stopped him and said dont open that. I WISH I JUST KNEW FOR SURE!!! OGH!!
J also said at the same gathering OW was saying things like "oh H turned me on to this band" or "I started doing this workout cause H suggested it".
I have the afternoon to myself and I had planned to be super busy but right now its just better to be slightly busy and go easy on myself. This is really hard.
Almost forgot on the phone my H said "You know I would do anything for the girls" and I said "That is really hard for me to hear" I was very proud of my response. I thought it was calm but I also held my ground.
(((BM))))
Not sure which is worse; the reality of an EA/PA or the suspicion of one that can lead our imaginations to dark places. Hope you can keep your mind to what is proven vs. what is potential. Not sure why our brains tend to take us to the worst places, but it seems to be a common challenge.
I think the family therapist is a good idea. Hopefully they can provide some clear options on what will be best for your girls (outside of a restored marriage, of course).
Good for you for standing your ground, keep it up. Hope you can find a good balance of GAL activities to focus on good things for you.
I've got the week to myself because W took kids back to our former home for spring break. My mental challenge is to focus on my life and not dwell on my sitch. Saw a post from someone over in the past day or so that said if they could change anything, they would have stopped giving so much their energy to the sitch and focus more on their own life. I'm trying to take that advice. Hope you can too. (Oh, and they did bust the divorce...)
Hey BK Babe!! We both started a new thread today, bittersweet right? This is and will continue to be a long road. I am so proud of your growth and courage for yourself and your girls.
I think its best to stay firm w/ your values and boundaries no matter how upset your H gets.
Sorry about the info your friend gave you and I'm not quite sure why he would bring this to you with no confirmation. Are you planning on doing anything w/ this or just let it play its course?
That post your referring to ces was from 25.
Be well BK!!
Brklyn Babe - as crappy as it is, I'm not sure if anyone who suspects their S of an affair, and has a shitload of evidence, but no smoking gun, finds out that it was all a mistake and a comedy of errors.
I'm not trying to bum you out, just saying that we rationalize our way to death's door trying to believe it cant be true. The only thing you can do, albeit hard under the circumstances, is to remember what an amazing Brklyn Babe you are, and an amazing Brkly Mom.
I seem to be on a LOTR kick today. I am thinking that like in that movie, these things happening to us are a purposeful spiritual test of our inner strength. We talk our way out of living based on our strengths and that we deserve happiness, that its our obligation to make that happen. Like LOTR we keep our M rings on and, just like the movie, the ring poison our minds. We rationalize the shitt out of their bad behavior.
25 and Ces are right. The time we spent being miserable, although perfectly understandable, was mostly a waste.
(((BB)))
Thanks everyone. I am doing good today. I have been working the past 3 weeks and it is so much easier on my mind then being at home. For all the sahm moms just know it is much harder to be at home especially when you are going through this crap.
Little time at work to feel sorry for myself. I get to hug my girls and that is the biggest blessing. They are such perfect angels. I will not become a bitter divorcee for them.
Thinking about how to handle this session with the family consulour this weekend. H wants a Lucy goosey custody arrangement and I want to nail down a plan. I feel like I am making it too easy for him.
Thinking about how to handle this session with the family consulour this weekend. H wants a Lucy goosey custody arrangement and I want to nail down a plan. I feel like I am making it too easy for him.
Why do you feel like this? Do you want to make it harder on him to punish him or for you and the girls?
I would suggest you make your decisions based on love and acceptance as much as possible as opposed to anger/resentment and possibly wanting to be punitive. What would the result of that be?
Obviously easier said than done!
BM- I think you're responses to him were great. You didn't let him bully you into the custody agreement- YOU have the girls' best interest at heart. I hope that you can figure out an arrangement with the C.... and I tend to agree with your dad, that a consistent schedule for the girls' is better for their sense of security.
As far as the OW, I understand how maddening it is to not know for sure. I still get sick to my stomach thinking about the possibility of H and OW- I really have to squash the urge to slash her tires!
I hear (read) you becoming stronger with each post
Sias, thanks for your honest feedback. I have very little anger towards my H these days, I see him as truly diseased. I do however have anti-DB thoughts and strategies of how to cure him of his disease. Right now I think I need to push him over the cliff. This honky dory separated world we are living in is not reality.
He uses our car all the time like its his. He stays longer when he comes over to drop the girls off. One day I will remarry or have a boyfriend and we will not want to hang out with H.
My father/lawyer is starting to get into a C agreement with his lawyer (I am crying writing these words) and my father wants to be the bad guy. I am just gonna say that my father wants to make sure me & the girls are protected, we can continue with this easy going custody arrangement for now but if something goes wrong then we have this formal document as a safety plan. Also who knows how our lives will change if our future significant others will have kids and then we have to negotiate that whole mess.
I just love these boards. It saves me during the day when I start feeling lonely cause I cant call my H to share the events of the day, that I have you guys:)
Ohh Bklyn, sorry that you are feeling sad. If your girls are asleep go peek at their angel faces.
Let your Dad be the Enforcer, that's his job and I'm sure he's happy to do it.
(((b)))
(((BM)))
Reality [censored] sometimes. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Very glad your dad is there to walk with you through this.
I hope you see how strong you are becoming through this. I see it. Not that this is easy at all or gets much easier for a while, but you are dealing with it with grace and dignity. That's strength, and its it you.
Brklyn Babe...nothing new to say...just saying hi and that I'm here...I think your handling youself well and like the rest of us have to keep peeling the layers of our own onions to see the real reasons for what and why we react the ways we do.
You're lucky to have your Dad, and your angels
What's up BK? Hope u are having a good day!!!
I just love these boards. It saves me during the day when I start feeling lonely cause I cant call my H to share the events of the day, that I have you guys:)
I so relate to this!! Thinking of you Bklyn! ((( )))
finally catching up with everything.
bk - i agree w/ a formal custody arrangement. it creates some stability for the kids. i'm also assuming that you would be flexible if needed (ie. bday parties etc.).
i read your comments about the future and it made me smile. i have totally thought about those same things. what future partner is going to want the ex around whenever he pleases? it's these things that i have thought about and was trying to fix things to spare everyone those heartaches.
i'm glad you have your dad to be the bad guy. at least you know he's got your best interest (as well as your girls) at heart.
((((( )))))
It's Friday night and was thinking of you. Hope you and the D's are well. Any adventures planned for the weekend?
((()))
Where did bklyn go??
Hope you get to enjoy this nice change of weather this weekend!!!
I have been working a lot lately and I am basically a single mom, so I havent had much time to post. But I am always checking and reading the boards and the alt. It is such a blessing having you guys as friends.
Our kitty cat escaped the other night, guess I didnt shut the door all the way. We are in a two family house so our front door opens onto the sidewalk. I posted some signs and have been looking for him whenever we are out but no luck. I am thinking he got into the backyard area on the block. Our apt doesnt have access to the back so I havent been able to look. I hope to have more time to search the 'hood this weekend. Clarence was such a sweet little kitty with a defective paw.
Ironicly we named our two cats Clarence and Alabama after the characters in True Romance. And the male cat runs away...
Appt with the C tomorrow morning, how fun?!!?? yucky yuck
Sorry about your cat BK but glad to see your keeping busy.
Best at the C tomorrow!!
keep us posted! thinking of you.
BB - good to see you back. So sorry about your cat :-(
Good luck with the C tomorrow. Is this MC or IC? BTW, it sounds like you are dreading it. May I ask why?
When I was going, at first I would be nervous, but learned to really cherish the sessions. I always felt better afterward - even if I sometimes felt like I was just there crying and venting for an hour. Anyways, now that I am not going, I realize how I miss going.
Keep us posted and enjoy the weekend!
Hi BK just read your sitch and can really relate to what you are going through. I'm still learning, so I won't give you any bad advice, but what I would say is that a lot of the people on here do give really good advice and do really care.
I'm sorry to hear about your cat :-( & hope you find him.
Take care of yourself & good luck with C
Bill
Hope you find the kitty. I guess even the animal kingdom has WAS.... Maybe he just needed some space to think- lol
Hope counseling session goes well- fingers crossed for you guys to find some solutions to your recent custody issues.
Totally understand not having time to post... Just come back when you can, always love to hear your perspectives!
((BM)) Hope the C goes better than expected and glad you've got work to keep you busy. Just know we're thinking of you!
BB - hope the cat isn't in some sort of MLC, or part of a gourmet chinese meal somewhere...
Hope the counseling went well. Understand you have no time to post a lot you...we are all still here for you whenever you need u
Rickb hope barely doesn't get pissed about the cat and Asian cooking.
That's all I need... to pisss off a woman carrying catheters and suppositories the size of goose eggs
Our cat Clarence is back home. The block cat lady, ironicly named Kitty, "rescued" Clarence from some menacing youth on Thursday afternoon. She kept Clarence in her house with her other cats. After I hung up "Missing Cat" signs the leads to the cat lady came flooding in. Now the cat is back;)
H & I went to a C Saturday morning to discuss custody of our girls and whether we should set up a schedule or not. He thinks we should play it by ear since our jobs are so erratic that its unrealistic to have a set schedule for the year.
I start to tune out and shut down during these meetings because I find the whole thing so painful. I am not allowed to yell or be mad or say this is not what I want per DB so I just try to stop listening. I know that is not the right behavior either but do prefer Friday night pick ups to Saturday morning is just a question I cant bare.
I think my tuning out is a bit passive aggressive but I dont know how to handle it. If I tell H I like plan ABC vs XYZ he thinks I am signing off on our separation. I do not want to sign off on this. I can be silent but I can not say this is okay.
The session does ultimitely make me feel better cause the C definitely says things to H that I need him to hear. This week when I was mentioning that through Alanon I have learned how controlling I am and that I think H to a certain degree wanted to be controlled, she asked him "Who was controlling growing up, your mom or your dad?" H couldnt answer. He looked at me to give him an answer. Kind of strange I thought, since its pretty obvious to anyone that he has a controlling father.
H mentioned to C that we were getting a D. I hate it when he uses that word.
Tonight when he was over he said regarding our relationship "where we are now" which I see as so much more positive. But I cant delude myself.
Unto some terrible news. Our neighbors, literally right next door, we share a wall have to kids about the same age as our girls. The girl is 4 and the boy is 18 months. We hang out with them all the time. I have been super busy for two weeks or so and havent been around. I find out this morning that 2 weeks ago they found a brain tumor in the little boys head. They have since operated and removed 90-95% of the tumor. He starts chemo tomorrow.
Say a prayer for him.
Lets all count our blessings.
Sorry the weekend was rough BM.
What did your C say when your H mentioned the D? Did the C offer any thoughts on how to handle custody?
Hate to hear that about your neighbor's little boy. Praying for him and the doctors. If they want additional consultations for their son, they may want to have their doctors check with St. Jude Children's Research Hospital. Brain tumors are an area of study for them and they are constantly publishing new findings and treatments. They also treat and share all information at no charge.
My kids got home tonight and it was great just to hug them after not seeing them for a week.
(((BM)))
BB - glad about Clarence. That's so awful about your neighbor. When you have your health, every day is a gift huh? Hard to remember that with a broken heart though.
I don't think you can go against your core principles about how you both should handle your kids regardless of what the DB coach says.
(((BB))) Despite how busy you are we are all still out here thinking of you all the time.
Sorry to hear about the neighbor boy. Children and catastrophic illness is always so hard. But they do amazing things these days.
Oh my!! I am terribly sorry for your neighbors son. That has to be so frightening for all. It also gives me some perspective. As tough as this is, I am thankful for my healthy children and will hug them a little tighter next time I see them.
Hang in there Bklyn!!
Hi All, I have been working like crazy recently and taking care of the rwo little ones. Its nuts and a mess around here. Been loving work. All the self help I have done over the past several months has made me so much better and more relaxed at work. I take things much less personally and just do the best I can.
Monday through Friday generally I feel pretty good. Actually I guy a work told me the other day that my eyes were beautiful. I think he was trying to get something out of me but still it felt good.
I also have been able to open up more in the work enviornment telling old friends that H and I are having serious issues or even saying that we are separated. I still have a hard time saying we have split cause I really want to just say H left me. One thing I am noticing is that everyone just assumes he left me anyway for another woman no matter how I phrase it.
Spent this morning having several interactions with H. Its mostly aweful. My kids hate going from house to house and their are always questions and crying. I had to excuse myself at one point and cry for a minute in the bathroom. Seeing how he is hurting my kids its hard to DB and act loving. I am as gracious as I can be and dont yell or say things like "Wow, OW must be really good in bed for you to be okay with making your kids cry like this" But this is horrible. Painful is an understatement.
The kids crying doesnt seem to phase him. Looking forward to having the day and half to myself. This place needs a major clean up and I plan to work out, watch a movie, catch up on the boards and sleep.
Hey BK! It's been awhile. Really good to hear you doing so well on the work front. It must feel good to have that distraction from the daily reminder of your sitch!
Did you ever figure out the separation anxiety issue with the kids? I think you had at one point been considering counseling for them. How did that work out?
I don't know what to tell you about your H. Maybe one day he'll figure it out. Let's hope so at least. In the meantime, I actually think it is healthy for you to share with others the fact that you and H are not living together.
I believe that the mere verbalizing of this helps you in your need to detach. Be careful to only share what is necessary for others to understand your current predicament. Just try to avoid the more intimate details as it can become real dicey if you then find yourself piecing things back together. Just remember the fewer tings said, the better.
Does this make sense?
Spent this morning having several interactions with H. Its mostly aweful.
That must be very hard for you. Do you have to have these interactions with him? Can you think of a way you can decrease this stress on you?
2tp - I havent taken the girls to C. The therapist that my H and I saw regarding co-parenting didnt think that was necessary at this point. I totally hear what you are saying about not saying too much and honestly I been very good about that when telling collegues and aquaintances at work. I usually say H and I are going through some hard times and just leave it at that. However almost every person I am vague with about our sitch says "Does he have a girlfriend??" Its very ironic in some ways, cause my husband thinks he is Mr. Nice Guy and no one would ever think he has a OW but yet its the first thing everyone asks. My response to the question is "I have no idea"
Labug, my kids are babies and the little one isnt even in daycare yet. I dont see a realistic way to avoid these hand offs. Half the time we make the transition from my house to his we do it at the playground which is generally better. Also its easier to pretend this is honky dory in public. Weather and logistics sometimes prevent the outside hand off.
My H likes to pretend that this is A-okay but its not. The girls ask why cant mommy come with them and my H usually says something cockamayme like I need to watch the cats. Its aweful. My girls love us both so much.
Yesterday I asked D3 to "look for the shoes in mommys room" she said in front of my H "no its mommy-daddy room". H just ignores like he does the fact that the girls are hurting.
I do try to pray for him even though sometimes I see him as a monster.
It's so hard not to say something to the H when they ignore the obvious pain/confusion that the babies are suffering with. Mine denies that S6's recent behavior issues at school have anything to do with him not living in the house and being inconsistent with the kids.
I really think they dont want to acknowledge that their actions are effecting the kids- too much hassle to admit it and do something to fix it- do they make excuses or ignore.... And *we* the LBS are left to deal the fallout.
I still pray for my H too- even though I think of him as a monster sometimes. It shows that you still have compassion for him even through all the pain he's causing you.
Bklyn, I admire your continued strength.
I guess I didn't understand the several interactions being the handover of the kids.
Brklyn Babe - haven't been on the boards for a while. I have been doing pretty good though and hoping same for you.
How's Clarence and the gilrs?
The part about how your H doesn't see the obvious impact H is having on the kids seems to be very common. They can't face it at all. My W cannot face it either and is in complete denial of the affects of her choices, and two of the kids are 24 and 21. Utter self deception caused by extreme fear.
I have been working so much lately and its so easy to be carefree while at work. I feel like I perform better at work cause I dont let the little things at work bother me anymore. Sometimes I think being at work kind of stuffs my feelings and doesnt give me the time I need to feel sad. I guess I just need to find a balance between being distracted and grieving.
I wish my girls would just stop growing cause right now they are too darn cute. its insane. Clarence the cat is up to the usual, waking me up at 4am with his meows.
My MIL will be in town Thursday and Friday to watch the girls. I know she will speak to H as well. Dont think that will matter. He is an alien.
You never know when the miracle will happen. Its in Gods hands.
I guess we struggle to get to the state of mind of acceptance, letting go, leaving our own agendas out of it, and moving forward without our spouses, not knowing if our M's will continue.
Easy huh?
Keep going Brklyn Babe!
Such wise (yet simple) words: "It's in God's hands"
I have to remind myself of this all the time, especially when I don't understand what's happening in the sitch.
I wish kids would stop growing at the peak of cuteness too! I really hate that their innocence and carefree view of life might be jeopardized by my H's choice to leave- they don't deserve it.
Enjoy your MIL's visit!!
Brklyn Babe - CES said something along the lines of let the lord fight for you - just stand still. Also, let go, let god. Not everyone is of the same religion but I think beyond those demarcations is the true creator, so you can let the universe lead.
Hope your okay today! Say hi to Clarence for me!
My mother-in-law coming tomorrow. She will do the hand off of the girls with me. I am kind of dreading it. It just feels like I am living a lie.
I am going act to so peachy and happy to my MIL but its a crock. I am so sad. I am sad for my kids. I am sad cause I lost my best friend. I am sad cause my H has lost his mind.
Who says you have to live a like with your MIL? Who says you have to act peachy and happy when you are hurting so much on the inside?
Maybe a dose of reality witnessed by someone who may be a little more sane than your WAS, would be a good thing?
So sorry you are sad and hurting! I wish there was more I could say.
Thanks 2. I need to think about that. Your right she is not the one that crazy. She is very upset about H decision. I dont have to act like I am in mourning but I can be myself. And show her that its not all peachy keen.
Thanks for helping me think of that. Sometimes I am so afraid that I am going mess up DBing.
Just keep being honest with yourself Brklyn Babe, which I think you are very good at. That takes a lot of strength. Yes, theere's DB'ing but always start with the truth and trust that what is right always happens. You can never lose by being honest, by sharing truth, by creating love.
Be your authentic self with her (and everyone)... And if that means that at some point, you are sad- than so-be-it. You shouldn't have the extra stress of 'putting on a forced smile' to her.... If you end up laughing around with her, that's great too. If you use your energy to keep up appearances, you will loose out on using your energy to just be yourself (that sounded better in my head, I hope you get my point?)
I keep thinking of a scene in Xmen: First class. The blue chick (forgot her name) was working on a weight bench (struggling to get the weight up)- she was in her 'normal' girl form. Magnito walks in and tells her that she's using too much energy/strength on focusing to keep up her appearance. At this point she relaxes and her 'blue' self is revealed.... When she tried the weight again, she does it with no problem.
When you use too much effort (mental or physical) to present a certain appearance, you will loose your real 'strength' that allows you to do your everyday tasks.
When I visited my MIL, I cried a little with her and we had some fun times too. She actually told me that she saw me as the person that her son fell in love with (the best validation I've received for my changes) This is your chance to show her who you really are now, and perhaps she'll pass on her observations to H.
BK! i just had a visit w/ my FIL today. my FIL loves me! and thinks that i am awesome. lol.
i did get teary at one point today because he asked me how i was doing and i said fine.. and then he asked me how i was really doing. i didn't let the tears flow but he knew i was hurting and holding back tears because he took my hand.
when FIL told me how disappointed he was in H, i had a moment of clarity. i remembered reading on someone else's post (i think it was accuray posting on rick89's post) about how it wasn't our job to repair the relationship between WAS and kids but not to damage it further. and that's exactly how i felt about H and his relationship w/ his dad.
so i didn't have to hide the pain and i was myself after the initial awkwardness. and it was really nice to have my FIL there.
And Barely's too ^^^^^^^^^great advice
D3 was sick all night Thursday while she was at my H apt. He was up all night then had a big day at work which he was exhausted for. I always think this hard life circumstances are going to spark a glimmer from my H but they seem to make him more resolved.
Right now the more together and grounded I get the stranger my H seems. We get along fine but I definitely feel a tension in the air when he is around. SOmetimes I think its sexual tension but then I convince myself thats is only my wishful thinking.
Thursday I had a really rough day at work and got chewed out by a very high up guy. It was tough. In an email to my H regarding logistics I shared that I was reamed by this guy. H didnt comment. I must say that really hurt.
It felt really lonely to have had such a tough day and I could go to the person I look to for support. Next time I am just gonna post about immediately. C'est la vie!
Sorry about your D BK and hope she is feeling better.
And sorry about your work. Same thing happened to me a week or so ago. Actually its been ongoing and I feel like my boss and his boss are really picking on me but whatever. I am trying to detach from my work environment as well, have you considered this?
My w doesn't really comment or ask either and it is amazing how our WAS can just shut us out completely.
It seems that she only communicates w/ me when she needs something so it is slowly getting easier coming to this realization.
We are here for you and miss hearing from you so please post so we can offer support.
BklynMom,
I'm very new to this, so I don't really have much advice. I also haven't read all your posts, sorry.
Anyway, I just got a book called "The Solo Spouse" by Deluca (got it at amazon), and it's so good. It was recommended to me here on the board. It has a chapter about Pursuers and Distancers (most women, the author explains, are Pursuers) and the only thing to do in order to "reach" a Distancer (most often the man in the R) is to stop the pursuit. Completely. If your H is a Distancer: Don't ask him for advice (or give advice), don't seek his emotional support, don't look to him as someone to talk to. Stop all of that and/or do as little as possible with the goal of doing absolutely nothing. Again, this is from this book.
To me, this specific chapter has been such an eye-opener. I find that with my MLC spouse (who left mid-February and with whom I have a S4) it has changed the dynamics of our R. The less I do, the more he is forced to do. Perhaps this helps, it has helped me enormously to see how my ways of trying to solve things in the past have been absolutely useless.
BTW, I used to be a Brooklyn Mom too! Love Brooklyn!
Brkyln Babe - its one thing to recognize the bizarre characteristics of a MLC WAS, it's another to not get derailed by them. The only way I can see getting beyond this is to truly let go. Just accept that its just you and the kids.
After a while life gets better and the antics of the WAS do not have the same effect. You can actually start to sympathize without enablng it further.
Rick, I hear you. I cant let him effect me. Sometimes it hard.
Evas, I totally get what you are saying about not chasing him. Right now I feel like I am heading into the phase. I was dim for several months and my H claimed we should be more friendly. Now I have somewhat excepted my new reality, of me & the girls. I am trying to act like myself a little more than I was a few months ago.
As purg said in her post to me just being comfortable in my own skin.
Sometimes I will say things that are not the perfect strategy for bringing him back, but ultimitely he has to come back to the real Bkyln, not some pretend uber mother theresa DB BklynMom.
I am doing my best juggling just being me and not getting being attached to the results.
H called while I was writing this post to say good night to the girls. D3 told him she missed him and when are you coming home. H remains stoic, expresses no sadness nor seems to question WTF he is doing to his angels.
It is so clear that he is having a MLC and there is nothing I can do. I will leave it up to God
BklynMom,
My H is the same way exactly. S4 asks H when he's coming home, and H shows NO emotions whatsoever. It's the oddest thing, esp since he was always so concerned with S and feelings and well-being of S just a couple of months ago. Bizarre.
Bklyn,
You sound so calm and at peace with yourself (although I imagine your insides don't feel so calm)
The MLC brain is so selfish. They have a blind spot for swing anything that is a negative consequence of their actions. H and I talked about how my S6 asks about him all the time and gets sad- H just said that this is how it was going to be from now on.... Can you imagine the shock and anger that ran through me?! He doesnt even care that S6 is sad!!
Keep being your authentic self and H will either realize what he's missed, or some other guy will see how wonderful you are and sweep you off your feet!
Brkyln Babe - just here to say hi. Day by day, get stronger and let life come back!
H emailed me this morning.
Is D3 feeling better, and what do you want the plan to be for the weekend?
My H is very passive aggressive and never wants to "tell me" what the plan is, I am supposed to guess what he wants to do. I know he would prefer not to see the kids Sat. since he is working very late friday but I feel like I accomadate this all the time. I wrote back what I want, in a pleasant yet unpersonal way.
"As this is your weekend - pick up Saturday at 9 AM and perhaps you can return by 3 so I can go to my Uncle's Seder. Then you can pick up Sunday very early for Easter. We will then resume alternating with next weekend being mine.
D3 has recovered and is feeling better"
Dont think my H liked my response cause he hasnt written back. But when I write friendly things he doesnt like that either cause then "I am not getting it -- its over!!"
ugh. Any thoughts??
I think you did the right thing! Be strong.
do they stay over night at H's on his weekends? just wondering about the partial day on saturday.
my H sometimes doesn't answer and i use to get all worried thinking about.. "did i get him upset?". now i just leave it. if he gets upset.. he gets upset. he's upset me enough to last a lifetime!
hang in there.
Good one, bf. I feel the same way.
You handled the response well. I agree with BF's comment ^^^
BM, sounds like a good 180. Now my challenge would be to not dwell on my response and make up scenarios. Hope you don't have that challenge. You did good so move on with your life.
I have the same question as BF. do the girls ever spend the night with your H?
They do spend the night there, just Sat. is a Jewish holiday that my family celebrates not his, so thats why I asked if the girls could come back on Sat. at 3p. This is his response
"Ok
Please explain to the girls the plan so they know what to expect.
Also. I can go to work a little later on Monday. If so, could they sleep over Sunday night? I probably have to be on the road by 8am- so I wouldn't be able to drop D3 off at school. "
I wrote back "ok."
This exchange of children makes me ill.
This exchange of children makes me ill.
I know it does, Brooklyn. Unfortunately this is your reality so see what you can do to get the routine settled so that you can better plan your GAL.
Remember, when your GAL is in full swing, great things begin to happen.
Agree with everyone ^^^^^^. Your need to take control. If your H cant get his act together then good, maybe you're in command then and can tailor this to what works for you. Tough [censored] if he gets pissed. He's choosing to leave so much burden on you.
Thks guys for the support. I have definitely been bummed out.
I am kind of over doing anything to "get" my h back. I don't want to sabotage myself but I am trying my best to move on.
I still haven't told many people that we are broken up and I don't care if I tell people or not. It's still hard for me to say to casual friends "we are not together right now". When the truth is "he left me". So instead I say nothing.
I know my h is pissed that I dont tell the world that we are separated. Especially when woman I know approach him like we are together - that LEDs my h to be pissed at me for several days.
I want to address this with my h in a reasonable way. Again I am over trying to bite my tongue too much but I don't want screw myself.
What I would like to say is "it's still very hard for me to discuss our separation but you should go ahead and let who ever know that we are not together"
And I do want to say something. I feel like I need to speak up for myself regardless of how pissed my h will be. He always finds a way to hate me anyway.
Brklyn it is not your job to smooth things over for him. You tell people what You are comfortable with. It is not your problem if he gets pissed. You have to stop fixing. How do you know that he hates u? Has he said that?
You have to be strong. You are not this weak person. Do you remember how strong u once were?
Read the 37 rules again.
Ps I know how strong and proud we from Brooklyn are ok
I agree w/ Rick BK. You are not responsible for h's emotions, never have been, never will be. If he gets pissed about something that he perceives you did or didn't do then so be it.
It seems like they can find anything and spin it into us doing something wrong so they can be mad.
You decide who you want to tell and what you want to say, not him. Your living your life for you and your kids now.
What's the GAL plan BK??
I am kind of over doing anything to "get" my h back. I don't want to sabotage myself but I am trying my best to move on.
As ironic as it may sound, it is when you have truly reached the point of letting go and you no longer care if you and your H ever get back together again, that you have your best opportunity of actually getting back together.
Busto once told me that when you finally let go and begin to pull away, if there are any emotional strings that attach you two, it is then that those strings will go taut and begin to pull your H back towards you.
And so it would seem that in spite of everything you have done, the effort, the pain and the tears, now you must just let go and move on if there is any chance to bring your H back.
I know my h is pissed that I dont tell the world that we are separated. Especially when woman I know approach him like we are together - that LEDs my h to be pissed at me for several days.
I want to address this with my h in a reasonable way. Again I am over trying to bite my tongue too much but I don't want screw myself.
What I would like to say is "it's still very hard for me to discuss our separation but you should go ahead and let who ever know that we are not together"
You know, from my perspective it really is none of your H business who you choose to discuss your private R matters with. If I were you I'd ignore his angry outburst. It is just another consequence of his actions that he will have to live with.
I also think it is time for some serious boundary setting. If you are truly done, then the boundaries regarding any interaction you two may have should be clearly defined and adhered to.
Again, this is just part of the letting go process. Once these boundaries are established, you will feel more in control of your life and your emotions and then maybe, just maybe, you H will begin to feel the tug on these remaining heart strings that still tie you two together.
So, are you really ready to let go?
I wont go so far as to say I dont care if we get back together or not. I have two babies that want a Mommy & Daddy that live with them and love each other. So I do care, I do want my H to return to our life. But I am done trying to convince him to choose us. It pretty obvious to anyone that he is giving up a sweet package but I am not going to try to get him to see that any more. He is a fool or a crazyman.
So my H this morning handing off the girls and he mentions the woman I am friends with that didnt know we are broken up. Since my H will never say what he is really thinking, the mere mention of her shows me that my instinst was correct. That H was angry that I hadnt told her.
2tp - I totally agree - its none of his business who I discuss this with.
Our exchange was fine. We went for a coffee together with the girls. No anger and no chemistry.
I am really going to enforce some boundaries and have H see the girls every other weekend. Not just come over whenever convinent. This way I can plan my life a little more.
My job ended yesterday, so I am excited to get back to my home life with the girls. I will definitely have more time now for hobbies and GALing cause working full time (and lots of ,OT) plus being a single mom aint easy people.
It's been almost a year brooklyn. Have you seen any change in his behavior towards you?
Ver - I havent really seen any changes in my H behavior towards me. He is cold and distant. My H ILYBNILWY speech came totally out of no where. We were bidding on a house at the time. I knew our relationship wasnt perfect but we snuggled every night and I thought both deeply loved each other. Since the night he told me he didnt love me, he has not budged an inch closer to me. He has said he sees my changes but it too late he is too broken, its too over, he feels nothing for me.
It is so much clearer now, almost a year later how little this had to do with me. I was not the perfect W but my H actions are a complete meltdown. To go from "I love you" one day to never giving me another chance when we have 2 young daughters together is insane. He really is a fool. I pray for him.
c
That's all you can do is pray for them. I used to pray for him to come back. To come to his senses. Now I pray that I heal from all this so I can be a better mom.
My two little ones need a healthy mom, as do yours.
((((HUGS))))
Sounds like my H. Go from snuggling to standoffish. My H has issues for sure. He is lost and running but i don't know what from. I doubt if he even knows. It is sad for sure. I pray for strength now. I pray for God to protect my babies. I pray for my H because when he comes out of this fog, and I do think he will eventually, he will be in a bad place emotionally and mentally.
I have definitely been on a roller coaster of emotions the past week. Most of the week I was doing great and enjoying my life with my girls. I think sometimes when I dont hear from him I create a fantasy in my mind that he is coming closer.
Friday I received an email from him asking that we have a meeting with our lawyers all together. He thinks the letter writings between the lawyers leaves room to "misinterrupt good intentions". His lawyer also contacted my father/lawyer on friday, essentially my H doesnt like the formal schedule my father has proposed. My H wants a more lucy-goosey schedule, since we will remain "friends" we can work out parenting time month by month based on whatever freelance jobs we have.
I dont want to 'co-parent" with him. If he wants a D, I want to be separate. I am flexiable and will make considerations to the schedule as needed but I want a schedule. I want to talk to him as little as possible. My heart is still broken.
I am also tried of him blaming me and saying passive aggressive things like "this isnt want I wanted to happen. But I really tried".
You know what H, you didnt tell me you were upset, we snuggled every night, we were bidding on a new house, you never suggested MC. You didnt try. This is not my fault.
I wrote him back "I think having a meeting is a good idea. Let me talk to my father about it and get back to you"
I wrote today "Unfortunately my father does not think having a meeting is a good idea. He says I am too in love with you to not bring in too many emotions. Sorry"
I know its anti DB to tell your WAS that you love them but I havent said that for many months, probably the last time I told him I loved him was August. I think he believes I just want him back for the kids and I dont actually love him as a man. Figured what the heck I would throw it in. I dont think it can push him further away then he already is.
I am really considering moving. Its not something I have to do tomorrow but I notice that I am much more happy in new enviornments around people that dont know my H and I together. Also I have wanted to get out of the city for sometime but my H wanted to remain. I could find a more affordable place closer to my parents.
The "magic" alanon had had on me this fall & winter is wearing off. I leave meetings pissed off and angry that this people are so clueless.
I spend a lot of time asking myself why my H is still doing this when I have changed so much. Why is he being so cruel??
I know my thought process is unproductive but I look at my angels and I wonder how he could not want to spend every minute he can with them.
Its definitely a roller coaster.
Although I havent posted much lately. i do check in on everyone threads and am so happy to have the support of my friends on this site.
I am sorry you are still struggling I have spent lots of time wondering the same things why why why. I don't know if we will ever know why and maybe your H doesn't exactly know why either. I think having small children makes it so much harder you can't just move on as easily. I do think you need to have a more structured visting schedule with the kids so that they know when they will see dad again and also so you know when you will get a break.
this is my H response to my last email:
""I feel like the back and forth between our attorneys isn't working. The proposal that was last sent is completely unrealistic if I'm to have any part of our daughters' lives. I want it to be fair for both of us, but more importantly- the kids. I think the only way to come up with a fair agreement is for you to be involved. Without getting YOUR input, I feel like this could go on for a long time and create ill will where there is none now.""
look at what a nice guy he is, he doesnt want any ill will between us.
Also the proposal that was sent was essentially 50/50 but it was a schedule and not just whatever we decide based on what job my H is on.
I hate him!!!
"...I feel like this could go on for a long time and create ill will where there is none now."
That is such BS!! The only reason he perceives that there is no ill will is because you are fighting to save your M; not because you are some sort of benevolent LBS who only wants to protect his feelings.
He wants to communicate one on one with you or with the lawyers present so he can try to manipulate things to get his way. Don't fall for it, Bklyn. Stand your ground. ou'll be glad you did.
Never forget that he is choosing to walk out on you and your 2 very small children instead of trying to work on the marriage.
Take this for what it is worth, this is only my opinion.....
I am about as infuriated reading your post as you probably are writing it!
(((B)))
We are all here for you.
Hey BklynMom-I was reading through various posts and read some of yours and I can sympathize.
My W walked out on my S and I to a whole another lifestyle. Her L is some rookie cheapo guy that had my L wondering if he even was a D lawyer. It's crazy how people think they can just walk away with no ill will like we are suppose to just be ok with it and be friends. My W wants to secretly somehow get a D that people won't know about but somehow still misses my family who at this point have no positive feelings for her.
Anyway not trying to recount my whole stitch here but hang in there.
thanks for all the hugs
2tp, I am so glad you were as mad as I was. He is trying to manipulate me and passively aggressively threaten me saying "look if you agree with me I wont have any ill will towards you but if you disagree ... watch out, I may have some ill will"
here is my response
""I am sorry I wish it wasnt like this. It is truly wonderful that you have no ill will. To be honest with you, right now I do not trust you. Maybe that will change in the future. Right now I trust my father.
I'm sorry.""
I can only pray
(((BK))) Sorry Babe, the L talk and logistical talk regarding kids [censored] especially when our WAS show no emotion and think everything should work how they think.
I'm really pissed at your h as well but their is nothing you can do. You stated your responses and set your boundary well and he is just going to have to deal w/ it.
And lol at him saying he wants it fair for the kids. Is he f'ing serious? How fair is it that he rolled out and barely interacted w/ them for months?
So sorry BK!!!
Great, strong response!
I know this is hard for you. ((BK))
SIAS, I love that you found the humor in my H email. It has relieved a lot of tension recently being able to laugh at his nonsense.
labug - I cant tell you how much it means to me that you thought my response was great & strong. I doubt myself and worry too much sometimes if I am DBing enough or if I am doing this wrong for my daughters or just worry. I need to trust that all the new information I have in my mind that I can come up with reseasonable responses.
H texted me today asking if he could see the girls one day during the week since he would be off from work. I said "Sounds good. Let me know which day". I am happy with that response. My L/father is the bad guy, the legal aspect will be tight but we can still resolve smaller day to day stuff together.
ALso went to an Alanon meeting tonight. First meeting in a while that clicked for me. Really made me remember this is not my fault. I didnt cause it, I cant control it and I cant cure it.
I think one aspect of DBing that has been confusing for me is accepting my contributions for the problems in our relationship but not blaming myself. I blamed myself for many many months. And I can still fall into blaming myself very easily.
So happy to have you guys as my friends. This board is a blessing
Interacted with H a bit today, since he picked up the girls. He was supposed to have them until tomorrow afternoon but now claims work emergency tomorrow so they will be back tonight. Also he was supposed to have the kids all weekend and now he will just have them Sat night till Monday morning. Another work issue.
The difference now is that H is learning that I am doing him a favor by taking the girls and being flexible with the schedule. Because my L/father has insisted we have a set schedule now every time my H has to ask me for allowances I am being nice and helping him out. Previously when I helped him out he treated it like it was a given.
H is taking the girls to see his brother, SIL & their 3 kids this afternoon. They live 6 hours away so this is a special treat. Also SIL is fighting lymphmia (her diagnosis was what began my H MLC). I know his brother & SIL are pro marriage and are shocked by my H sudden abandonment of us.
I wish I wasnt at all hopeful that she will say something to snap H back to his senses. But I have a sliver of hope.
Hi BklynMom, are you doing anything for you while he has the kids with him for this visit? I would love to see you do something nice for you
I think you are doing great right now!! Way to go!
Hi BklynMom,
I can totally relate to your situation, reading your posts gives me hope that I can stick to my DB better, without being so emotional. My FIL who is very, very close with my H has Leukemia, diagnosis got much worse in November, and our MC said directly to him that that is what this is about. He is going to see him this weekend, but it only makes my H stand more firm in what he is doing when FIL tells him he is making the biggest mistake of his life. Not sure where I will be when he comes out of it, feels like too much damage already. It's hard not to take "the script" personally. Wishing you well today.
I wish I wasnt at all hopeful that she will say something to snap H back to his senses. But I have a sliver of hope.
The longer I'm in this and the more I read I don't think it would help if Jesus came to visit our WAS and say something to them to help them snap out of it. They are on a path of their own that for some reason they must take. Nothing we can do but work on us and be the best we can be.
I'm glad he's spending time with your girls, they deserve to have their father in their lives, albeit not as much as you would like.
And sorry about your SIL.
Try to enjoy some time off. You deserve some "BK" time as hard as it can be to do something enjoyable for yourself.
Be well BK!!
Thanks for the love guys.
Just got back from yoga. So nice. Totally needed it.
Now I have to gear up and clean my super dirty & messy apartment. Ugh! no fun.
Went for a run this morning and what was I am so proud of is not the run itself but the fact that I went, even though, I didnt have enough time to run the route I wanted to, my ipod wasnt charged, & I couldnt find my water bottle. The old Bkyln needed everything to be perfect before I could do anything, now I just do it.
Whoo hoo. Yeah me!!
Sounds like a great start to the day BM! Hope the rest of your day goes well also! ((BM))
Hey BK, I can see such change in you since last fall when we all met up here. You are much calmer, more introspective, and most of all you speak up for yourself and have slowly begun to take control of your life.
I just see so much good that has come from all the bad.
Don't answer with "Yes, but there are bad days blah blah..." I know that, we all have them.
Enjoy the good stuff.
Thanks guys.
I have done a lot of work on myself since the fall, it's nice to know you guys have noticed too. What's funny is it took me months to get to where I was in the fall. It you had heard me in the summer I was in hysterics from may to august.
In mid July I started drinking one day at 10am just to calm myself down and keep from crying hysterically. A week later I poured all the booze in my house down the drain.
End of July I found alanon.
End of august I began lurking on these boards
In sept I got on meds and that was another big step.
I had barely had it together enough to take care of my kids. I will say in those darkest of days my girls are what keep me going. When I think of last summer I remember days of heaven with my girls in the park and nights of hell waiting for my h to come home from the bar.
Another beautiful day with my girls. They are so ridiculously cute these days. This morning I said to my almost 2 year old "Lets hit the road Jack" and she said "I Ava, I Ava!" Too sweet. We went on to have a wonderful day in the park with friends.
Late in the afternoon H and I meet up and exchange the kids. Its awful. I am starting to feel numb around him. Especially when I am saying good-bye to the girls. It is not fun. I cant forgive him. I see him as evil when I have to leave my kids.
I really starting to wonder if I can ever heal from this. To imagine 18 more years of handing off my children is unbearable. To think that I could love someone again that has inflicted our family with this disease is unimaginable.
Didnt get much done this evening but I am going to bed early and I have a busy day tomorrow.
(((BK)))
I can't even imagine. I don't want to think about it. I hate H for what he has created. But I hate him even more for choosing OW's kids over his own.
You never know. Perhaps when they are older they will want to stay with you. At a certain age they get to chose, don't they?
I was very busy today. I worked and had dinner with a friend. Got myself totally bummed out when I called my girls to say goodnight over the phone. I hate it. I hate when people say it will be better when they are older and can talk more. I hate that I am a part time mom. If my H didnt want a family why did we have one.
I am venting. I know I have many many things to be grateful for but sometimes I hate him.
I am sorry you had a rough night. It is hard leaving the kids and little kids never want to talk on the phone mine are older and they don't want to either. Know they love you. You are their mommy and kids always need their mommy.
Sometimes it is hard to see what you have to be grateful for when you are hurting. BIG HUGS... I wish I was in NY would come over and commiserate with you.
((( )))
I cannot imagine what you feel but sooner than later it will be my reality too. I am dreading it. So when I get to that point you can give me tips on how to deal.
Much better day today and interaction with H. I am always happier receiving the kids back then giving them up. (If I were only more generous).
H called me when he was walking D3 to school and said she was having a fit cause she didnt have her favorite blue jacket if they could stop by en route. I said "of course" and then I was so excited, cause I knew that we could all walk to school together. It was wonderful. I carried the d1 who will be d2 on friday and she was so so cute and sweet and sooo excited to see her mommy.
We had a nice walk to school and stopped for coffee on the way home. H talked about his job and I told him how great he was at it. He asked me about a career move and my initial response disagreed with his. I back away from my position a little but still dont think I validated his side enough.
I kind of beat myself up a little when I dont think I give the perfect answer. I know my DB coach would say just repeat what he says and validate, validate, validate. But I know I have to be true to myself some too. I get confused and just get mad at myself for not being perfect.
H said he would come by later with D3's "woofie" cause she likes to sleep with him. We both forgot about it but needless to say D3 remembered him at bedtime and starting crying "Daddy forgot my woofie" I was able to calm her down but dont know how or if I should mention it to him.
Today the main thing I was thinking to myself was my H is a fool. We had such a nice walk and the girls love us both so much. And I am so not an evil b!tch
But I know H is not very busy at work this week so I know he will have his lawyer do something. I know I know cant predict the future...
I am a few months behind you but I can completely feel your pain. I haven't had to "hand off" the kids yet, but I am bracing for it. It sounds like you are handling yourself with class in dealing with your H despite an extremely emotional situation. I wouldn't beat yourself up for not saying "exactly" the right thing. I would give yourself a pat on the back for coming as far as you have come!
We can't and won't always say the "right" thing. Maybe their is no right thing to say. All you can do is be you the best you there is. So what if he doesn't like what you said, what can he do that is worse than what he has already done? I am sure when you first met you said what you really thought!!
You have done so much work on yourself and it shows. Keep your chin up B!!
Usually after I converse w/ my w I think back and wish I said something different or better but we're just being real so don't be hard on yourself. If their is a chance to learn or to make improvements from than take it as it comes but you are doing great.
Be thankful for those moments BK, you know that they are few and far between now. We hope that moments like that plant a seed in our WAS but that's about all we can do.
Regardless, times like those are helping create a positive environment and memory for your beautiful girls.
Wishing you the best and give your D2 a Happy B-day hug from me on Friday!
Thks Say - you message yesterday made my day. Like you I had a tough day yesterday and received another letter from my H letter further negiotiating. It was a real bummer. I took it pretty hard and had to walk away at work for 20 minutes and cry.
I recovered this morning and had a great morning with the girls. H came to pick them up at 12noon and we spent 1/2 hr hanging on our front stoop with the girls. Its was nice. I had a few opportunities to validate him and I did.
One weird thing happen. The neighbors parents walked by and I said hello and asked about how their grandson was, he has a brain tumor. He is not doing well:( After they leave H says that he forgot that the little boy had a brian tumor. How do you forget that??
Crazy night last. Okay not crazy in the way a night could be when I was in my early 20s living in NY but crazy for a late thirty something LBS.
I am on my way to yoga (like a good DBer) and call the girls to say good night. While on the phone H asks if we can talk later. I say I will be home after 10p. I get to yoga and am terrified, what does he want to talk to me about. Does he want to tell me again that its over!! I really thought I was not going to be able to stay in the yoga class I was preoccupied. I forced myself to stay and ended up having a mindfully relaxing class and an awesome workout. Hooray for GALing.
So H calls me later that evening and says he doesnt know if he should come over tomorrow for D1 birthday. I had invited him last week, to a private party with just me and the girls for her 2nd birthday. I really had no alt. motives just to celebrate our little one's big day. H says he doesnt know if he should come cause it might give the girls the wrong idea.
I validate and say "thats a good point". I listen more. Then say "D3 does have the wrong idea. She knows that you have another apartment but she considers us a family" H says what should I do about that. I say I dont know.
We end up speaking for a half hour. I did a lot of listening and validating. There were long periods of silence and I let him talk. He didnt say anything that would led me to believe he was coming home but I felt good about the conversation.
At one point I asked if I should be meeting him and the girls in the morning to walk with them to school (something we had already agreed to do) if that would give them the wrong idea. He said "No I dont think that will give them the wrong idea"
He asked if I would get the wrong idea if he came to the party, I said no he has made his position very clear we are getting a divorce.
He asked if my father would be mad if he came over (strange question). I said no he wants what is best for the girls.
Ultimately he decided to come to the party. Hooray. I am so excited and going to make lasagna and chocolate chocolate cup cakes tomorrow. The girls will be so happy. All the girls;)
BM,
So know what you mean about the definition of crazy nights being different! Excited for your celebration tomorrow, 2 is such a great age! I will be sending good mojo your way!
Hey BK- Hope you had a good day yesterday My w pulled the same thing w/ Easter and she decided not to join us for dinner.
IMO birthday's are different. It is for your D, and she is 2, how could he not want to be there, wtf?
Doesn't want to give her the wrong idea, what idea does it give your D if he isn't around for her b-day?? Sorry, I'm ranting about YOUR wah, lol.
I'm glad he decided to go and spend time with her and you.
Also, didn't realize it last week but my s7's birthday was yesterday too. We had an awesome day.
Hope the party went well. Let us know.
Friday night was awesome with my H and kids. H was less grumpy then he usually is and we just had a amazing evening. I made all his favorite things. Lasagna and chocolate chocolate cupcakes. The girls and H, did the icing and decorated. My H is also allergic to gluten so he not getting good gluten free cupcakes and lasagna like I make all the time!
H asked me at 7 if he should leave or stay for bath/bedtime routine. I said it would be nice if he could stay. It was wonderful. We washed the girls and read them bedtime stories. At one point H noticed a closet by the girls room filled with his bike gear. He said he would take it home with him. I said that would be nice, then he only took 1 thing from the closet.
I tried just staying in the moment and I loved it. Eventually H put D3 to sleep and I snuggled with D2 in my bed. Eventually D2 and I fell asleep together and H left.
It hard to believe an evening like that didnt give him second thoughts.
I also learned the other day that H is reading a book called The Social Animal by David Brooks. Its a mainstream pshycology/socialogy book about the subconscious influences on a person decision making process. I bought the book this weekend. Its pro marriage. The book tells me he is searching for answers to something, he just doesnt know what he is looking for.
Today was a good day.
I still believe.
That's great that you had a good day. I wish I could have a good day with my h and that he would read books about thought processes. Then again I don't know ...maybe he is.
Keep believing:)
Friday night was awesome with my H and kids.
I still believe.
Hey BM,
Good on you!
Hang on in there. You are awesome with your listening, accepting, validating.
I'm taking lessons from you!
This day with your H looks like a major step forward in terms of a good ongoing relationship.
He's seen that he can be with you and the girls and feel OK (well, probably feel great, but he wouldn't admit to that yet).
All that stuff about not wanting to give the kids the wrong impression is what my H goes on about all the time too.
My view is that he's backed himself into a corner and is feeling even worse than when he was coming around to visit us.
Either way, all we can do is to focus on having nice times whether they join us or not, and keep validating what they express as their feelings. The rest is up to them.
Again, I bow down before your validation skills!
I am so excited for you! It sounds like you made it an awesome, loving, family moment. My best friend is currently a "WAW", she filed in November. That is the thing that gets her, the thing she misses, those special family moments that can nay be shared between the 4 of you. Watching her journey, I see how much doubt there really is on their side. I asked her this weekend if she was 100% sure she wanted a D and she said that he is being such an a$$ and making her feel terrible that she is sure. He is always saying how can you do this to your children, etc. It makes her distance more. She told me that if he was doing what we all (the mighty DB'ers) do there is no way she could go through with it. So excited for you. I believe for you!
Glad you had a good day, BM. Just be careful not to get your expectations up because you know what that feels like, right?
Don't stop believing!
OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!
BROOKE!!!!
The last time I read your sitch you were down in the dumps cuz there was absolutely no progress in the past year!
THIS IS AWESOMEEEEE!!!
(happy dance happy dance!!!)
i'm just catching up.. haven't been around as much.
you sound a lot stronger. a lot happier. i'm so glad!!!
agree w/ 2pac.. no expectations. but there is always hope.
you and i have come a loooooongg way! and you know what?? we are surviving.. and thriving..
happy bday to D2! such a great age! my D will be 3 this october.
they grow up too fast. lol. tonight, she kept getting out of bed and when we said.. go to bed! she started doing this very weird random dance that you just couldn't help but laugh at. sigh. love them so much!
(((( ))))
Hi All - I am feeling pretty good these past few days even though D paperwork is being worked on. My H has not filed persumably because we will work through all the details prior to filing so the process is uncontested. (I HATE WRITTING THESE WORDS ITS MAKES ME SO MAD)
One thing I have struggled with since this began is figuring out what I need to own and what has nothing to do with me. That issue came up for me yesterday and I am looking for some feedback.
H & I texted a bit last night after D3 had a evaluation with a speech therapist. I gave H an email update but I also threw in some silly banter. Surprisingly H continued with the emailing. That emailing had ended then an hour later my D2 took her first poop on the potty. Thats a big occasion. I mean she just turned two on friday. So I texted H a picture of her poop in the kiddie potty and said "Guess who made this?"
he wrote back
"That is great!! Um. Thanks for the photographic evidence. I am not sure I would have believed you"
then I wrote
"I knew how proud you would be so I thought I would give you some proof. Now you can show off to your cage fighting friends"
H never wrote back. So now I think I offended him by referring to his cage fighting friends, which are his new buddies that he does kick boxing with - a lot of them are also cage fighters. I just think cage fighters and a little girls poop are funny together. Did the tone of my text make it sound like I was mocking him for hanging out with cage fighters? Am I too sarcastic? Is H too sensitive? Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? Any thoughts would be appreciated.
That is good news! Of course as a vision to your future I had to get on to my kids for not flushing the toilet. The view is so less thrilling when they are 10 & 13!
You meant it in good will, and you can't control how he took it so let it go. If he took it wrong, this its up to him if he wants to address it and you can explain, otherwise it just water (or poop) under the bridge....
I agree with ces, you said it in fun and it's up to him how he takes it.
I thought it was funny.
H & I texted a bit last night after D3 had a evaluation with a speech therapist. I gave H an email update but I also threw in some silly banter. Surprisingly H continued with the emailing. That emailing had ended then an hour later my D2 took her first poop on the potty. Thats a big occasion. I mean she just turned two on friday. So I texted H a picture of her poop in the kiddie potty and said "Guess who made this?"
he wrote back
"That is great!! Um. Thanks for the photographic evidence. I am not sure I would have believed you"
then I wrote
"I knew how proud you would be so I thought I would give you some proof. Now you can show off to your cage fighting friends"
H never wrote back. So now I think I offended him by referring to his cage fighting friends, which are his new buddies that he does kick boxing with - a lot of them are also cage fighters. I just think cage fighters and a little girls poop are funny together. Did the tone of my text make it sound like I was mocking him for hanging out with cage fighters? Am I too sarcastic? Is H too sensitive? Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? Any thoughts would be appreciated.
BK - don't worry about what he thinks about what you wrote. Who cares? Really! If you spend all your energy worrying about whether or not he approves, you are wasting your time. Live your life and be happy.
Great texting and yes don't worry about what hes thinking. I know easier said than done!
Side note...did you read the book the social animal? Or do you just know your h is reading it?