Part 1:
Suddenly Separated, Part 1 Last Post:
So, I feel that I have entered a more challenging part of this journey and DBing. Yesterday was the first full day that I did not hear from H at all -- no phone call, no email, no text. Yes, I truly felt that I had dropped the expectations (which, I'm sure made things easier), bit I still noticed. With contact, it was easier to detach (or have the illusion of detachment) because I knew that he was at least interested enough to call everyday. The real test is how I will handle things if he becomes more distant. I am assuming I continue to LRT. Certainly I continue to GAL. Is this when true emotional detachment can take hold?
I am feeling a little bereft and alone, but still able to get on with things. I feel that I really need to step up GAL at a vulnerable time like this. The problem is I am under the weather and mostly in bed today. That is usually a recipe for rumination, so I gotta find something more constructive. Sigh. I guess I haven't quite broken the "addiction" after all -- still need that phone call "hit" from my H.
Labug's reply"Yes, it's tough. (((mimi)))
I'm now just past 2 wks of no contact with H. That's the longest I've gone without contact about something, kids, taxes, other money stuff, mail. It is like a drug.
I finally figured out that most of it was contrived and if he wants to know things about the sons that he doesn't get from them, he can contact me.
It does allow me to focus more on me.
But it is lonely."
I hear you. Wanting and needing to focus on myself. Need a good GAL plan for the day, though my heart is just not in it. But that's probably when you need it the most, huh?
So, H just called to "check in." Hate that term because it implies that he's doing it out of obligation. Ugh. Doesn't help to think like that. He said he would "come by" tomorrow in the morning. Told him I would be at yoga in the morning, and he said he would come later then. He didn't mention his prior idea of watching movies together in the evening, and made no definite plans for tomorrow. Seemed in a hurry to get off the phone. I didn't feel so great after the call. So much distance between us. It was all I could do not to "hold on" to my H through the phone. Did OK though.
OK, need to pull myself together. So far it has not been the best day.
Mimi
Whatever happened to my belief that "the longer I go without contact with H, the stronger I become"? I guess that was only true when I felt that H still cared. When he feels so far away, the insecurities come out. I feel truly alone vulnerable and not at all strong. I think, "this is what it feels like to really lose someone." It's so real now.
This is when the real work starts. This is when you mix hope with reality and come up with a way to live your life. Not just live your life, but love your life, despite your loss. How do you do that?
Mimi
Inspired by Ro, I am thinking of getting a DB session with a coach. Although I feel comfortable with LRT right now, I wonder if there is anything else I could be doing to maximize my chances of reaching my goal. It might also help me to relax and concentrate on GAL if I know that I am doing all I can for my marriage.
Mimi
i've been really inspired by your posts, mimi. our sitches aren't exactly the same, yet you have a way of describing exactly what i'm feeling but haven't been able to articulate too well. sending some good thoughts your way.
Whatever happened to my belief that "the longer I go without contact with H, the stronger I become"? I guess that was only true when I felt that H still cared. When he feels so far away, the insecurities come out. I feel truly alone vulnerable and not at all strong. I think, "this is what it feels like to really lose someone." It's so real now.
This is when the real work starts. This is when you mix hope with reality and come up with a way to live your life. Not just live your life, but love your life, despite your loss. How do you do that?
Mimi
i've been really inspired by your posts, mimi. our sitches aren't exactly the same, yet you have a way of describing exactly what i'm feeling but haven't been able to articulate too well. sending some good thoughts your way.
Thanks. I'm glad my posts have had some kind of value for someone other than myself.
So, I cheated a bit today and called H. I succumbed to feeling down and sick, but I was determined to keep the convo short and pleasant, and at least I accomplished that much. H seemed happy to hear from me and we talked briefly about a movie he was about to watch and made plans for tomorrow. I don't know if I did the right thing. I'm making things all about him right now, and that doesn't sound exactly healthy. How can I possibly detach this way? I guess I am not ready for the pain of a true S yet.
Mimi
Jounaling: Ok, enough nonsense. Listing my GAL activities for tomorrow to get myself going. Yoga cycling with girlfriends in the morning. Then lunch at the great pizza place next door. I haven't been comfortable with my body for a while, so I am committing to having one of their delicious salads. Then I need to get grocery shopping. My menu for the week includes oyster soup with frizzled leeks, filet mignon with truffled mushroom ragout, and pear, arugula, and pancetta salad. Adore cooking and can't wait to get in the kitchen. Also I really want to start arranging my closet and clothes, and create a great place to get ready for a night on the town. That sounds like enough for tomorrow. Got to act as if and GAL my way out of this.
Mimi
Mimi
You reeeeaaaly need a roommate to help you eat all that delicious food!
Bug, I know. My cat turns his nose up at it.
Well yesterday turned out to be OK. I went to brunch with two girlfriends at one of the boutique hotels in Old Town. We gabbed, had fancy brunch drinks, and overall had a great time. Back home, h had arrived and we got along fine, although I found myself being annoyed by some of his habits. It's so weird having him "visit" his own house. One thing that really upset me was a letter he received from the bank confirming his application for a new checking account. I guess he really is getting his own. We've had a joint account since before we were married. It makes me angry that he is this disengaged from the m. But I did well and called my mom rather than blow up at h.
Since he has the car, h took me grocery shopping. I made us the oyster soup for dinner (turned out great), and we watched Werner Herzog's "Cave of Forgotton Dreams." (fascinating). Then h kissed me and went back to his apartment. Wow, I don't know how I feel about all this. In A LOT of ways I was relieved to have the space back to myself again, but it just really brought home the fact that h is gone and wants it that way.
I got ready for bed, but started to get very anxious about money all of the sudden. I think the real source of the emotion was the disconnect and weirdness of H coming and going like that. I ended up downloading a new book on self love (not THAT kind of self love), fixing a glass of steamed milk, and trying to calm down. Doing much better this morning. H said yesterday that we should grill the ribeye steak I bought, so I guess he is coming over again. I don't know how I feel about that. Is it OK for him to come and go as he pleases?
Anyway, today I plan to GAL by cooking for the week, reading my book, trying to get to my closet project, exercising, cleaning up the balcony, starting my flylady cleaning project, and hopefully getting outdoors. Hope everyone makes the most of this beautiful Sunday.
Mimi
I think the separate acct move is good. Less things to get angry and/or resentful about. That is, if you have an agreement on how joint expenses will be paid.
I was freaked out about money for 6-7 months (you've probably seen this in my thread, money is a huge trigger for me) but I got my act together, came up with a plan and it works.
As for his coming over, how are you with it?
My thought, he should come and go as you please. I set a ground rule early on. "H, you have chosen to live elsewhere, this is my home. Please call first if you need to come here for any reason."
Why do you think he's doing this?
I think the separate acct move is good. Less things to get angry and/or resentful about. That is, if you have an agreement on how joint expenses will be paid.
I agree, and that is what h says, too. I am hung up on the symbolic meaning that this is one step closer to a D. Still have not gotten past that.
I was freaked out about money for 6-7 months (you've probably seen this in my thread, money is a huge trigger for me) but I got my act together, came up with a plan and it works.
I'm glad you were able to do that. You planted those flowers, right? I want to do the same on my balcony, actually. I haven't been able to come up with a financial plan because then I would be planning my life as a single person, and that scares me. Although I have done planning in other realms, the financial is really tripping me up.
As for his coming over, how are you with it?
I don't know. So ambivalent. I often like spending time with him, but it also brings out feelings of being rejected and resentment that he has done this. My h is a good guy and is doing this because he thinks he needs to in order to save himself. If I could see both of us as two people on a jouney to find out who we are and what we want out of life, it would be easier to not feel so implicated. I have flashes of that, but I'm not all the way there.
My thought, he should come and go as you please. I set a ground rule early on. "H, you have chosen to live elsewhere, this is my home. Please call first if you need to come here for any reason."
Yes, I did this, too, and now he tells me when he wants to come over. I guess I am not detached enough NOT to say "yes" every time. Hope this will come with time.
Why do you think he's doing this?
He likes spending time with me, and he also feels guilty for leaving. Per someone's post (25, accuray, mach?), I am trying very hard not to engage in shaming behavior because I don't want his interactions with me to be based on guilt.
Through all this, I am recognizing the need and desire to become more independent and really explore what I want out of life. That has been a huge, unexpected bonus to this. Thank you so much for making me think about these questions.
Mimi
Well, yesterday with H went well, maybe too well. I spent the day cooking and reading which was nice and relaxing for me. H then texted that he wanted to come over around 5:30 and asked if that worked for me. I waited a bit to respond and then said yes.
He came over and we grilled steaks and vegetables on the balcony and then watched movies together (we are on the third season of Helen Mirren's Prime Suspect, an excellent series). He was very affectionate with me and it felt like old times.
I am not sure how I feel about these evenings. On one hand, I feel they are bringing us closer to each other. I feel they are reminding H of how well we get along and how much we adore each other. But then that's where I wonder. That's mind reading and it may not be true. It could also be convincing H that a life apart from me, with the occasional get-together, is ideal. A fun evening, with no strings attached.
It's dangerous for me to see these evenings as any sort of R. I am trying to compartmentalize and see them for what they are: two people who care about each other spending time together. Again, I remind myself that H has not talked about R, and has not made any move that would indicate he wants our M back. So, I will see the evening as a positive and move on, GALing this week and working on myself. Getting back into the swing of things...
Mimi
Well, yesterday was another full day without talking to h. I am doing better accepting this and moving on. I was slightly depressed yesterday because it seemed that the glamour and novelty of GAL had worn off a bit, and I was left to just live my life as a single person. It was not a desperate kind of depression, but just kind of a disappointment or resignation. But then I realized that I was choosing to be disappointed and resigned and that while it was OK and even natural to feel this way, I was erecting my own limitations. Sure, I won't be engaged in wildly exciting activities all the time (and don't have the energy or inclination anyway), but that doesn't mean that "living my life" as a single person has to be some sort of compromise.
There are so many things I am learning about myself living alone. I actually LIKE coming home to an empty house. I thought that it would be very lonely and depressing and that I would have to steel myself for it, but I have really taken to it. It's a relaxing, peaceful sanctuary from the rest of my life. Being alone also helps me to REALLY think about what I want out of life. Not what "we" want, or what I should want, or what is possible given both our careers, but what I actually dream of doing, given no obstacles. This is an incredibly freeing way of thinking.
I make plans for myself, read books to better myself, and try to see my h with as much compassion and understanding as possible. I am not an angel so there are times I want to kick his a$$, but I can usually find some affection for him somewhere. Strangely, understanding his point of view helps me to detach because there is nothing that will keep you stuck on something like anger.
Mimi
So, I forgot to relate an incident from yesterday. Something not huge, but just a little strange. When I got to work, there was an email from h asking me to go onto youtube and look up the song "I'm Gonna Love you Through it." It's about a 38-year-old woman with breast cancer and relates how her husband plans to take care of her and be there for her. He then emailed again, asking if I had heard it. When I said that I had, he said it had made him cry. OK. I know my diagnosis was very, very difficult on h and that he is still affected by it, but it seemed odd that he was pointing out that song right now. I responded that yes, it was a sad song, and that I understood why it would have such an impact on him.
Sigh. Trying not to read anything into it. Last night, I was a bit lonely. I like all the relaxing activities I do after work, but sometimes it gets to me that h and I no longer talk in the evenings. I have good plans for the weekend, so I am looking forward to that. Today is MC.
Mimi
Hi Mimi - you seem like a very cool person. Your H is a fool! I hope that all the space you're giving him allows him to deal with his difficulties and come back. It sounds like he's obsessed with your diagnosis, like he can't see past it to the whole you.
Keep your PMA going, hang in there!
Hi Mimi - you seem like a very cool person. Your H is a fool! I hope that all the space you're giving him allows him to deal with his difficulties and come back. It sounds like he's obsessed with your diagnosis, like he can't see past it to the whole you.
Keep your PMA going, hang in there!
Ad, thank you so much. This made me feel a lot better today. You are right about h and my diagnosis. He still cries about and it was over 3 years ago. I don't cry about it anymore. He has actually said that the reason he "no longer feels for me things that he should" -- meaning sexual intimacy -- is because he can't get past seeing me as a sick, fragile person and can't get past the scar on my breast (which, objectively, looks great for such a scar). We are dealing with this in therapy. The therapist is exploring why my h has "neutered" me. I would like to know if he can get past it, because otherwise our relationship will be a best friends type of thing. Time will tell.
Mimi
Had another productive mc session yesterday. H is still adamant that his sexual attraction for me will never return, but we are taking very small, incremental steps. His insistence on this and his revelation that he felt resentful and angry with me about it can sometimes infuriate me. Last night I got home from therapy, poured myself a cocktail and vented to my mom about it for an hour. Really needed to blow off some steam.
The good news is that we are getting along really well these days and h said some positive things in the session. For instance, he seemed to agree with me that this separation is more of a "break" and he expressed nervousness that I might like living alone so much that I don't want to R. The therapist thought we were making progress and said that he would soon be assigning us "homework." Nervous and excited about what this may be.
So, I am thinking of really making an effort to become more active. I am not happy with my sedentary lifestyle and feel I could be a lot healthier. This might also help my h is seeing me differently. He is still stuck on thinking of me as sick and unattractive. And I have to admit, other than a breif spurt of a workout craze right after I finished treatment, I have not been the active, vibrant person I have always wanted to be. But is this pathetic? Is this simply an attempt at losing some weight and looking better so that my h finds me attractive again? I know I would benefit regardless of what he thinks. But if I am doing it only for the R, I know I will become resentful. Argh. Need to work this out in my head.
Mimi
Hi Mimi, your news is good today! You have a smart brain - figure out a way to make it believe that working out is all for YOU, and do it!
Be attractive and vibrant because you want to be (who wouldn't?) - NOT TO GET HIM BACK.
Have a great day!
Journaling on an overcast, somewhat melancholy day: just wanted you all to know that I have cracked open a bottle of champagne (that I had purchased for h's b-day in Jan., but he dropped the bomb on me instead), ordered sushi, turned up the iTunes, and started a meticulous organization of my walk-in closet. I am also reading and making notes on two fashion books to begin my new life as a pulled-together, stylish dresser. Yep, I am a wild partier.
Won't call my h. That is all.
Mimi
Journaling on this beautiful Saint Patrick's Day in old town, Alexandria: how is it possible to be sad and so incredibly grateful for your life at the same time? Sitting at a quiet Lebanese bar while people go by in green shirts, headed to Irish bars. Breathing in the clean, warm air from outside and marveling how people end up so many places they never thought they would end up -- and how those places are sometimes places of lonely, wonderful grace.
Hope everyone is havIng an amazing St. Patrick's Day.
Mimi
Well, the weekend was mixed. What is encouraging is that I can now take care of myself through the sadness. I am still obviously not detached. After not hearing from h all of Friday, he called Saturday morning to ask if I needed to go grocery shopping (he has the car). I did and he came to pick me up. I was hurt by his seeming lack of enthusiasm to see me. In the past, he has always seemed happy to see me after a few days of absence. He had allergies and was a bit hung over from the night before, so that might have contributed to his low-energy behavior, but I was hurt nontheless. Yep, still have those expectations.
We both bought groceries and h stored them in my refrigerator because he had to rush downtown to go to a video game exhibit with friends. He refused to tell me who was going to be there (and I shouldn't have asked, but I did). This is typical behavior for him. He was always bent out of shape if I asked who he was going out with, as though it was none of my business. Now even doubly so. Lesson learned. We're separated and it really IS none of my business who he meets now. I am just asking for heartache when he won't tell me.
Anyway, he left me to put away his groceries and hurried out the door. The rest of the afternoon was nice for me. I showered and went out to old town to get my legs waxed (I know that doesn't sound like much fun, but I love taking care of myself like that. It's like pampering for me). I then stopped by my favorite Lebanese place and had stuffed grape leaves and a dirty martini. I felt calm and refreshed, if not a little sad at my h's behavior. I got home and settled down to watch the Harry Potter marathon on television when my h came back to get his groceries.
Here I did something that was probably not right. He was hungry and was on his way out when I suggested he stay and order food so we could hang out and watch a movie together. He seemed happy about that. I get the feeling that he is waiting for ME to ask HIM to do things together, to initiate contact. This is confusing since he is the WAS. He is the one who decided that he could no longer be with me, that he needed space and time to think. Yet, he is somehow waiting for me to be the pursuer. Don't know what to do about this.
So there was no contact on Sunday at all. It made me sad. But like I said, I can still take care of myself in this sadness. I made a homemade chicken stock and roasted a whole chicken. I did the laundry, read my fashion books, and watched movies. By the evening, I did my whole Sunday night spa routine and it made me feel better about myself.
I realize that he is hurting my spirit and I am letting him. I don't want to pursue him. He was loud and clear that this separation is his issue, that he needs to be alone and sort things out, and that he needs to make decisions about his life. I need to make decisions, too. I need to do things that are nurturing and healing for myself and pursuing my h is not one of them. I am planning a whole week of GAL.
Hope everyone is having a great Monday.
Mimi
Mimi - I need to channel a little bit of you for myself. You seem to be well on your way to detachment even if you backslide occasionally.
With my H still being at home, and channeling Ward Cleaver himself, I feel like I'm on the detachment merry-go-round. Maybe one day.
Keep it up!
Btw - I know you mentioned your beauty regimen before. Can you tell it again. I think I need to start investing in myself a little more. I'm not really up for a lot of GALing outside of the house because of the vertigo issue, so I think this would be perfect for me.
Mimi - I need to channel a little bit of you for myself. You seem to be well on your way to detachment even if you backslide occasionally.
With my H still being at home, and channeling Ward Cleaver himself, I feel like I'm on the detachment merry-go-round. Maybe one day.
Keep it up!
Btw - I know you mentioned your beauty regimen before. Can you tell it again. I think I need to start investing in myself a little more. I'm not really up for a lot of GALing outside of the house because of the vertigo issue, so I think this would be perfect for me.
Ro, thank you so much! Sometimes I feel that I am getting nowhere, but then one day I feel so much better that I know all of my past determination has had some effect. I really hear you that living in the same house with your h can be very challenging as far as detachment goes. I wish I had some advice, but I was even less detached when h was around all the time. I guess all you can do is to aggresively GAL and try not to base your activities, reactions, and emotions on what your h is doing or saying at the moment. Maybe meditation in a quiet room by yourself can help. I have always wanted to do it, but have never had the patience. This experience is certainly teaching me patience, and you, too, I would bet.
So, my beauty routine. I do this every Sunday night to relax and get ready for the week. Apart from a candlelit shower, it mostly involves my face. 1) facial scrub to exfoliate skin; 2) facial cleanser; 3) mud mask; 4) face refreshing spray to tone and balance; 5) serum to nourish and soften; 6) moisturizer; 7) undereye cream. I also plan to add a hair mask and body exfoliation at some point. I use naturopathica prodcuts, which are not cheap but make my skin feel amazing (I scour amazon and ebay for the best prices). They are also natural and free of toxic chemicals, which is really important to me. Thanks for asking!
Mimi
Just got a call from my h. He sounded pretty flat and said that he was bored yesterday. Then he said that I would have enjoyed the evening he had drinking wine with his new roommate and a neighbor while gossiping about people who live in the neighborhood. I have to say, I was proud of myself in this conversation. Sometimes in an effort not to pursue, I swing to the other end and seem disinterested or tense. This time, I cheerfully answered his questions about what I did yesterday and my plans for the week, while reciprocating and commenting on his plans, etc. I was non-defensive, cheerful, pleasant, non-clingy, and calm. Getting somewhere!
Mimi
Btw - I know you mentioned your beauty regimen before. Can you tell it again. I think I need to start investing in myself a little more. I'm not really up for a lot of GALing outside of the house because of the vertigo issue, so I think this would be perfect for me.
i was wondering the same thing, Ro. Thanks for asking.
A few notes this morning. First: the whole beauty routine thing. I learned what to do and how to do it by having a great facial at the Four Seasons hotel in Philly a few years ago. This is a great way to get your beauty routine started. Go to a good salon, have a facial, and, if you like it, have the esthetician write down the products she used. I recommend the organic facial at the Four Seasons as a special treat.
Second: just wanted to pass on that I am reading a book about being uncoupled that I find very enpowering. It's called "Single: the Art of Being Satisfied, Fulfilled, and Independant." I am constantly reading something and these days it is books like this to help me through the process.
And finally: had a little run-in with my h this morning. I was about to board my train to work when someone tapped me on the shoulder. It was my h, who had a huge grin on his face, and gave me a big kiss and hug before I boarded. Had me smiling, but determined to not make too much of it.
Well, I have my six month oncology appointment this afternoon, so wish me luck! Hope this Tuesday is going well for everyone.
Mimi
Hope you get the best news possible at the 6 month mark!
Yes, Mimi. Praying for a good report for you!
Thanks, guys! Blood work and tumor markers are normal and physical exam yielded no lump or bumps! I am 3.5 years out of diagnosis now and for my type of cancer this is great news.
Mimi
So happy to hear about your good health news! Also, wanted you to know that I feel inspired by your posts. Thank you for your honesty and openness about ll the feelings that come with this strange journey!
Me:51 W:41
T:10 Domestic partners and M:7
Bomb:7/11
S:10/11
much back and forth
W decides to move cross country: 2/12
^^^^like this news a lot!
Thank you so much for the good wishes! I am very relieved at my health news and want to let that joy help me through this sitch.
Well, right now I am feeling an even more urgent need to distance myself and detach. H is still as confused as ever about our m and doesn't have much hope for it. It is looking as bleak as ever for us, and I find myself alternately OK with getting on with things without him, and horribly angry at how he has blown up our life. What I AM getting good at is staying dignified and calm in his presence -- even if I tear down all the pictures of him after he leaves (something I did on Wednesday night).
I am still happy in my GAL activities. They have really saved my life. It's a strange thing, but I can have happiness and heartache at the same time. I think this is progress, because before it was just heartache. I feel a deep pain to think of him just disappearing from my life and floating off into the ether. I also feel a great excitement about the independent life I am building and the person I am becoming through this.
I have taken the day off work today and plan to clean my house, continue with my fashion books and closet clearing. Needing to make more room in my life for what I want out of it.
Mimi
Hey Mimi! Hope all is well. Are you somewhere posing, looking at your great skin in a mirror? ;-)
Mimi, come out, come out wherever you are! Hope you're okay!
I've been wondering about you, too.