that time again...
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2205555#Post2205555http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2214359#Post2214359http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2218579#Post2218579http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2223455&page=1as i'm sitting here sipping tea.. munching on ginger snaps.. i'm thinking about how so much can change in 5 months. the state of my M hasn't really changed.. but i have.
in the beginning of this journey, i truly felt that i was drowning. i couldn't see where the break in the tides were. but today, i can honestly say that i can find happiness in the things i am blessed with. one of the biggest blessings has been the bonds i have formed here. standing side by side with others as the waves continued to crash over us. and you know what? we're still here!
Hi BF, I've been in this 2 months and it is so hopeful to me to hear where you are now. Just saw H. yesterday, like the 4th time in the 2 months this has been going on. It always puts me into a tailspin. But I talked to both my kids tonite, and spent time reading on the board and it helps. Onward and upward!
As the old saying goes:
Fun Flies When You're Doing Time!
Okay, glad to hear you are feeling strong. You know I'm a strong believer in the tides will change theory.
I liked your recap, and your quotes!
Aloha,
Wendy
guess who's the proud owner of a new guitar and kindle??? i think i'll name my guitar.. hamster.
i had a really nice day. started early! headed across the border where H and i use to take the kids sometimes. we would buy food at the local market and take them to the beach for a picnic. my S was remembering it today.
well.. today there was no H. but there was my gf! her family has a little cottage there so we went to pick up her mail (and my packages!!!). her family has access to a private beach so needless to say.. the kids enjoyed it! but dang it was cold!
leaving on monday on a trip w/ the mysterious socks owner. pretty excited!! also found out i just got a better line at work so.. maybe the tides are changing. one day at a time.
BF, where did you go, if that is of to ask? My neighborhood? You really sound like you are doing so good! It truely gives me hope.
Have fun with the guitar & kindle!
in the beginning of this journey, i truly felt that i was drowning. i couldn't see where the break in the tides were. but today, i can honestly say that i can find happiness in the things i am blessed with
very well said. you took my feelings and packaged them in great words.
What's the new line at work?
Enjoy the day!
Your first post is beautiful. Thanks, Banana Buddy!
mysterious socks owner
Make sure you keep your socks on, you know what can happen otherwise...
in the beginning of this journey, i truly felt that i was drowning. i couldn't see where the break in the tides were. but today, i can honestly say that i can find happiness in the things i am blessed with. one of the biggest blessings has been the bonds i have formed here. standing side by side with others as the waves continued to crash over us. and you know what? we're still here!
Hey Barely! Thanks for this, you are exactly right. It looks like we found our heads underwater at about the same time. When it all started I couldn't envision feeling the way I do now. Obviously still sad and hopeful but life goes on. If not for this community and the kind words and advice from folks on here like you, without a doubt I would have lost it. This is a place of major solace for me during the storm, and I'm in the boat right beside you and can even see the sun! :-)
Your words really rang true with me true today, I appreciate your writing them. Keep finding happiness in everything you do and have a great weekend!
Love your post as well.
And to add to it...hopefully we will not only stand together to watch the waves crash over us, but start to ride those waves and not let them crash on us at all while enjoying life to its fullest!
Banana...its so nice to know you are finding peace...you are doing so well....you are such an admirable woman...
Hello!
Crashing waves, time to break out the boogie boards and ride those waves!
Hear, hear Rickb. She's great.
Thanks guys! Slowly getting on that board to ride the waves and enjoy each passing moment!
Today H and I had to have a talk about my potential new schedule at work. Currently H has the kids every second weekend but on my new line, that wouldn't work as I would be on shift every 3rd weekend. We were trying to figure it out and I was getting teary thinking about how I had never wanted it to get to this point... Where we would be discussing who gets what weekend.. H asked if I was ok and I just had to excuse myself for a bit.
It's not that I'm sad about my M (I mean I'm sad.. But I'm not if you know what I mean).. I'm sad for my kids. Because they can say what they want.. But ultimately.. It doesn't matter. Because it's H that made the decision for all of us.
H forgot he had the kids this weekend. I had asked him a while back about this weekend because I had to work. H had to cancel his plans. Boo hoo. He was actually very good about it. Didn't expect him to come until after S came home from school but he showed up to take him to school.
Anyway, when S came home he was all excited to show H the guitar and kindle. He asked me what's up with the guitar? Is someone wondering what I've been up too? Not pining away? Lol. That's mind reading isn't it? H pulled out my guitar and started strumming it and trying to tune it. Was tempted to say.. Hey! That's mine!!! But I held back.
It sounds like I'm having a down weekend but.. I'm really not! I'm staying at my sister's this weekend because I'll just be working and she lives very close to my workplace. So.. My GAL tonight was carrying my niece and spinning us around until we were dizzy.. And then we danced to music.. It was fun.
Lol. Working for 2 nights and then heading to the island w/ gf and her kids!! I'm really looking forward to it!
The kids - the worst part, but you are a great mom!
Hey bf, sorry for the custody complications but I love that you can separate your feelings about the M and what's important for the kids.
When I'm at these difficult points it helps me to make a gratitude list of all the good things I have. I can then spend more time thinking about those rather that the negative.
Hey BF, it really is hard when we think about the impact on our kids. I think you're doing awesome by being positive with them and making great memories. That will be the biggest benefit you can give them.
Glad your H took the reminder about his weekend well. That's good for all of you!
You're right that your H made the decision about the M, but its awesome that you are still making YOUR decisions to live your life and demonstrate happiness and joy for you and your boys!
Hope you have a great weekend and fun on the island!
You really have such natural wisdom and a gentle soul...not to mention the fiery strength to carry on with your life and show your kiddies such a strong example of how to live.
Your H...sorry but he has made a phenomenally horrible choice...phew
Beautiful opening post.
Rick is spot on.
So weird thing.. Last night I sent H an email with a suggestion about custody (that was based on one if his suggestions but just tweaked). I did mention it was his original idea. But, I didn't hear back. He hadn't answered my txts from the evenin either.
This afternoon I asked if he received my txt (because it was based on some finances). Still no response which is very unusual. Finally I sent a message saying I was a bit worried as I had not heard back at all. H finally sends me an email saying he was feeling low and he should have answered my txts and apologized.
Tried to flex my validating muscles. He went on to ask if I was going to see the counselor soon.. Another friendship coming to an end which is affecting him even more than the last one because he doesn't have another one to fall back on.. I held my tongue and just tried to empathize and said if he thought it would help then he should see IC. I really wanted to say.. Yes. Their lives don't centre around you.. That's why people have families and spouses who love you unconditionally!!!
He seems to be hitting a low. But I can not get dragged down into that hole. I struggled so much to keep my head above the water and now, it's up to him to do the same. I hope he finds the breaks but.. I just don't know. It makes me sad.
Work again tonight. Daylight savings means I work 1 hr less. Oh the little blessings in life.
yay for my trip tomorrow!! Really looking forward to having some fun with the kids. I think the bug museum may be on the sked!
Just stay up. Its for bugs afterall...
Have fun girl!!
Barely, have you checked the forecast. It stinks, but could be quite exciting at the beach, the weather people on the local news tonite said "already gusty at the beaches but a big windstorm Sunday nite and monday, probably people out there are flocking to check the big storm coming in, always fun to do that from a safe distance". And the temp at OS 43 tommorrow. Just drive careful - everytime my teenage kids and even when grown, that is what I would say, it kind of became an eyerolling running joke. I'm so glad I had kids! They and this board are so helpful to me now. So have a great trip, maybe you really do need some kites! Take care.
Did I hear Bug Museum?
He seems to be hitting a low. But I can not get dragged down into that hole. I struggled so much to keep my head above the water and now, it's up to him to do the same. I hope he finds the breaks but.. I just don't know. It makes me sad.
It is sad but you're right, we can't do the work for them. Either they want it or they don't.
I think you are well on your way to detached.
Barely...I totally get what you are going through with H. You watch them drowning and know that they have to get out of it on their own. And then you think about their life choices. So, not easy. You are doing the right thing for EVERYBODY (including you) the way you are handling this.
You're still the strongest ever!
I held my tongue and just tried to empathize and said if he thought it would help then he should see IC. I really wanted to say.. Yes. Their lives don't centre around you.. That's why people have families and spouses who love you unconditionally!!!
This ^^^^^ is so hard to do.... but it has a positive impact (IMO). Looking back, it was like I had Tourrettes and the words just fall out of my mouth before I had a chance to even think about them- this ALWAYS created trouble. Keeping my mouth shut- and only saying the validating/positive statements- keep things civil.
SO PROUD OF YOU for only saying what needed to be said.... life lessons will teach him that he is not the center of the universe (as many WAS think about themselves), but if YOU tried to teach him, he would resent you and be reassured that he made the right choice to leave.
------------------
You are going to have an AWESOME time with the kids! Bug museum?! That sounds gross and interesting at the same time!!
I think you are well on your way to detached.Bug is on to something here.
Bug museum as a GAL actibity...just added to my bucket list! Labug should go there!
rick? what is an "actibity"?? Is this kind of like an activity, only drunk??
I loled when I read that, just had to pick on you a little
Barely, I must have gotten confused. Thought you were heading to Ocean Shores this weekend. Whoops!
Nope! It wasn't ocean shores for this trip but Victoria! Did not make it to the bug museum yesterday.. Did not make it to the aquarium today. And I'll tell you why... Lol!
So after getting off the night shift, went home, packed up, and left! H brought the bags down.. Charged the camera.. Helped me down with the kids.. Glimpse of the old H in action but minus the affection for me. Anyway.. Got to Victoria ok but with 4 kids in tow, naps.. Breakdowns.. Grocery shopping.. We just didn't make it to the bug Zoo. No big deal.
Restless night. Kids tossing and turning. S wakes up about 430 saying he had upset tummy.. Ok.. Kid number 1 with possible GI bug.
Today, we wanted to head out to the aquarium (about 20 mins drive away). First off.. Major windstorm. Heavy rain.. We packed up and headed out. Got lost Several times!! Gf's D gets sick in the car. Kid #2 with possible GI bug. We finally make it to the aquarium and notice water crashing against the rocks.. Unload the kids (in the downpour) only to find a note on the dang door saying closed due to power outage!!
Back in the car! Kids are antsy of course because what was suppose to be a 20 min ride had turned in to 40.. Sigh. Thought we might as well get lunch for kids at mcd's but guess what??? Power outage there as well. In fact.. In the whole little town! So.. We keep driving to find another one. About 5 mins later of the hwy we see out saving grace. A mcd's with a playplace??? Awesome!
Guess what? Seems power outage there as well (because another little town By the water). Keep driving and finally see another one with power (the golden arches were lit) so we take the exit. Hmmmm... This exit only goes in one direction which happens to be opposite of where we want to go!!! But we made it. Fed the kids and went for plan B. Museum. It was great!
On our way back to hotel (about 5 min drive) we see police lights go on and then suddenly.. Notice we are stuck behind an accident that had just occured. No joke. Ugh! I uturned and saved the day.
Back at hotel.. My D has tummy ache. Child #3. And then child #4. Thank goodness for insuite laundry!
I had to tell this whole story to explain the extent of my patience today! I thought to myself.. Is God testing me??? If I can have patience for what could have turned into a miserable day had I let it, ended up being quite nice.. Then maybe I have the patience to figure out my M. Lol!!! Ok.. It's a stretch!
I have spent the last 2 nights talking to my gf about life.. Love. Marriage.. It's been really nice. She's supportive and it's really great to have.
Tomorrow.. Miniature world.. And really.. Bug museum. That is.. Unless my D freaks out...
WOW It's been so long since I've had little kids, so brought back some memories. They grow up so fast, remember that! You were really impressive with your handling of sit. I'm sure gf helped. I need to get one of those. Hope rest of trip better, stupid weather, still bad down here. Threat of more stupid snow, I HAVE to get get grocery now! Have some fun, you deserve it.
What a day! That memory of this day will stay with you and your kids for a very long time and the good part is you're already laughing about it!
It may not have been your plans but it was certainly an adventure! Have fun today and keep making those memories!
Wow Chris. What a story! You certainly handled that well. You're kids are pretty lucky to have you. Have fun today!
You just reminded me of road trip from hell. Leaving family cabin at Tahoe after death in family. I'm packing suitcase on floor. Oldest son tries to run to bathroom from top bunk. Vomits into open suitcase. The big suitcase with all our clothes in it. (2 boys, 2 adults).
I zip it shut we hit the road trying to make it back to ABQ. 2 hours down the road we pull into hotel casino and spent the next 2 days all being sick. I had to buy shorts and a shirt to go do the laundry. Oh the memories!
I hope the adventure gets better! Eek! I saw a bug!
BF - You survived, and this will be a trip your kids will never forget!
Miniature World - I'm intrigued. LOL
We made it to miniature world and the bug museum and had an all around great day. That is.. Until bedtime. They drove me bonkers!!! In fact I was head butted twice by D2... Accidentally but.. It hurt!! My patience was running thin.
I had planned on putting them to bed and then going for a little walk after they fell asleep but.. I finally admitted defeat and put on my pjs. D sees them and says.. Oooohhhhhhhhhh I like you clothes.. And then she said, nice jammies mommy! At which point her and S started clapping. It was so ridiculous that I had to laugh! How do you stay made at cute lil monkeys??
H txted in the evening saying "hope everyone is ok and safe". I answered back about 2 hrs later.. Zombies are invading Victoria! Send help quick! He answered.. What? Wow. There goes that joke. Lol!
We've been txt'ing back and forth about the day and the kids. H asked about my new sked because he wants to go on little road trip w/ friend before they leave for NZ. Finally I said I hated to ask but were we still going to retrouvaille? H answered he planned on it and had actually taken a day off so he wouldn't be tired for the first evening. Can you say.. Shocked??? Surprised he remembered!! But.. No mind reading.
We go home tomorrow. Am looking forward to the mundane routine of home. I have to say.. First trip w/ kids w/out H and I survived! Did not have sad moments. Just enjoyed seeing my kids have fun.
I'm in such a different space from where i was a few months ago. I can't even fathom how much despair I felt. There are moments of sadness (only occasionally) but for the most part.. I'm ok. I feel different. More me if that makes any sense.
If there is anyone new reading my sitch.. In the beginning I was really a mess (just check out my earlier threads) but it's true what everyone says... Time is a gift we've been given. Without it I may still be stuck in the same M.. Unhappy.. Dead.. Just existing.. DB helped me find myself. And the people on the board taught me how to accept myself and know that I am worthy of great love.. And a great M.
I truly don't know what the future holds. Some days I think about a future with H.. And some days I can see a future without him. One day at a time. See where this journey leads. I'm taking the scenic route.
And you are a very funny person!
Yes, I can barely believe that I was lying around in bed most of the time, crying off and on throughout the day.
But I guess we had to be there to get here.
Love ya, bf!
BF,
Glad you had a good trip! I agree, how can you stay mad at you little once when their hearts are so pure and full of love. When I'm not happy with something, my S comes and says things like "You're so beautiful", "You're the best mommy in the whole wide world", or "Where's that smile?". Kids just make your hearts melt.
And good news on your H still wanting to go to Retrouvaille!
Banana Bread - I'm so glad you are finding peace, clarity, self knowledge, strength, a new spark for life. It is such a relief to hear you rising up out the despair you were in before.
The fact that you post where you are and how you've handled this journey for the people who are new in this world speaks to what a true giving and noble woman that you are. We here are all very fortunate to know you.
I'm really sorry your zombie text fell flat. It's hard to imagine anyone not into that world, huh?
Barely, I get what you are saying. Only being into this for 2 months, today after finding great apt. I felt like a weight had been lifted, felt an ounce of hope (maybe I should change my name on here). Transitions have always been hard for me. When I had my son, no anthestia, that point right before pushing and you want to kill your husband, well I feel like I'm moving thru this. Your story gives me hope. Wish my kids were closer, my son 27 in Seattle, my d. 34 in NYC. Been burning up the cell minutes! Take care and thanks for checking on me.
it's been a weird couple of days. it was really windy again yesterday so my gf and i planned to catch an early ferry back to the mainland. when we got back home, H was sleeping on the couch. i fed the kids dinner, bathed them and then put them to bed. I stayed upstairs to watch TV. when H was leaving, he apologized for not talking to me that much when we got back because he was so tired. i secretly thought to myself.. he hasn't actually talked to me in a long time.. why apologize now?
i was tidying up when i found a piece of paper w/ an email on it. i asked H if he needed the piece of paper. i just glanced and it was an email address. it seems he created a new acct recently. i didn't really think anything of it but he started explaining how he has been applying for a lot of jobs recently.. blah blah.
H txted tonight making small talk and then asking about whether which weekend he was watching them w/ my new work rotation. he was hoping to get go out the last weekend in march which was supposed to be his weekend. he was hoping to swap etc. so i compromised. he was supposed to be with the kids this weekend but had asked me to watch them friday because he wanted to go out (his friend is moving away soon). so i said i didn't mind watching them the last weekend if he came tomorrow night (since i had originally planned to see some friends). he thanked me for being flexible. i almost said.. of course! i'm nice person! but i held my tongue.
he planned to come tomorrow around noon. i mentioned that i was thinking about going out to get new car seats for the kids and H asked whether i needed help picking them out. said sure! S needs a haircut too.
it may sound like things are going well and H is drawing nearer but. i don't really think that. the last time i thought we were being friendlier.. H ended up announcing at the counseling session that he wanted a D! so now i'm not thinking anything of it.
H and i have not gone and done anything together since christmas when we went to FIL's.
so tomorrow.. will have to figure out an activity to GAL. i actually didn't have any concrete plans but.. H didn't need to know that. working the rest of the weekend then, heading off for another getaway. this one will be just the kids and i. there will be a lot of solitude which i think will be nice. my kids.. my time..
That friendly thing can really suck you in. It happens to me every time I see H. Especially since everything is so amicable. It's like oh, this is us, how we were, when I thought everything was fine. NOT! Jeez, it must be hard since you have little kids to have so much contact. My contact now is pretty much just about D. Emails or phone or texts, unless he has to come to house and he wants to "visit". Those are killer. He is so pragmatic. An aside, I needed to talk about car title other day, he said guess where I am? Snoqualmie Falls, since so much rain he took a drive. I said "oh honeymoon" That's were we spent honeymoon , at Salish, he totally didn't make the connection. Nice. I could tell he felt bad but really? I hope in my responses to you that I don't go off on my own stuff. I try to find you every day and just look at your sit. sorry if I do that. fondly
By visit it means he has come for a specific d. related purpose and then, as his way, to visit.
hopeless.. i don't mind at all! i look for your thread too. there are a few i follow religiously.. just to see how things are going. did you have some sunshine today like we did? actually, it was hailing in the morning then eased up and was warm enough to walk around w/out my coat! wonder how long that will last?
sooooo... have had the most surreal day. H came home about 1130 to go with kids and i to get the new car seats. he was limping a bit and said he had just run down the mountain (good for him for finally doing the things he says he's going to). took a shower and then we packed up the kids to go.
at the mall, we pick out the car seats.. then head over to the grocery store to pick up some stuff, then take S for his haircut. we worked together and it was quite like old times.. except better. because H wasn't all mopey and grumpy like he use to be.. as though it was a huge effort to be happy w/ us.
a couple of odd topics.. H had made shepherd's pie while we were away and when i got back.. he wanted me to try it. he asked several times yesterday (via txt) if i had tried it so this morning.. i thought i better go ahead and do so. and it was good! so when he came today and asked again whether i had tried the darn thing.. i could honestly say.. yes and that it was yummy. that seemed to please him.
while we were out, i bought a bubble tea (if you don't know what it is.. you probably won't get it) because S said he was thirsty. ok.. so H has been sort of avoiding sharing a glass w/ me etc for a while (i don't know.. maybe i have cooties?) so i thought it was funny that he actually took a couple sips of my drink! i mean.. he used the same straw and everything. lol. and you know what? he didn't drop dead.
yesterday, i was looking for the cupboards looking for something to eat. there were 2 packages of instant noodles that are a brand that i like, except that it was a different flavour then i normally get. well.. since they were in the cupboard, i ate one! i figured H had bought them for himself. anyway, today while we were in the grocery store, H asked if i had seen the noodles he had bought me. i said yes.. thanks! didn't tell him it was wrong flavour. it's so weird because just the other day.. i was thinking to myself.. it has been a really long time since H has done or bought anything for me.
today he also wanted me to take some of the money he had exchanged for himself on my trip w/ the kids "just in case".
i live in bizzaro land. can't dwell or even think that these are positives because in january, i honestly didn't think we were at the point where H would say he wanted out of the marriage and i was devastated.
i really don't know what's going through H's mind. maybe he's trying to be nice because i have been nice w/ agreeing to take the kids for the weekend he wanted to go out? when i left today, H said maybe we could talk about our finances again soon. and then he apologized for the way he reacted the last time i wanted to talk about it (he became distant when i mentioned child support).
i know.. it's not my job to figure out what H is thinking. very hard not to do! sigh. thank goodness i'm working the next 2 nights. keeps my mind distracted from the going ons of my M (or lack thereof)
And what are ya doing to GALing?????? Don't see it but again I not very bright
oh rick! give a girl a break! lol just came back wednesday from a trip where i saw a wooly mammoth.. miniatures.. and lots of bugs! yikes!
i met a gf earlier for coffee. meeting another gf in about 20 minutes for coffee again. then i have a friend who wants to go out tonight after she is done w/ dinner. we'll see if i'm still awake! well.. probably.. after all that coffee!!!
will be working sat/sun night
still need to earn some money
then on monday i will be preparing for my solo trip w/ the kids. wow! the very first trip i will have done by myself.. with the kids! looking forward to it. planning on lots of reading.. playing guitar.. movies.. spa night w/ the kids! i even bought a funky nail colour for them (yes.. son included because he will probably want to paint his toes too after seeing D w/ hers).
no st paddy's day celebration for me! sadly. but i won't be surprised if a few people at work see leprechauns. oh just another at the office. lol. wish i had green scrubs. if i wore a green hat.. i might get mistaken for being the leprechaun. how fun that would be!!!
rick - that's such a funny comment to say you're not very bright. because you and i both know that is so not true. do i need to repeat what bugsy said to you???? do i????
Yeah G-man! Don't mess with us!
I'm working the weekend, too.
Barely, yes we did have some sun today, finally! But it's back to rain tonite. Only thing I did today was sign my lease and hand over a check. Agent said, so there is no chance of this all changing. Nope train has left the station. Did talk to H. today about money transfer. It's his birthday. Wasn't going to do any thing with anyone. He's been pretty crabby, but I think most has nothing to do with us. He's been in chronic back pain and is scheduled for April 5th surgery. I offerred to go down to Seattle to be there for him, he said no. Not no thanks, just no. Anyway I have a full day of housecleaning tommorrow. Yippee!
H txted me this morning saying S had been sick last night and at 5 this morning. said he hoped S didn't have gastro.
so what did i do?? immediately went into fix it mode! asking questions and offering suggestions. ugh! in retrospect.. it would have been better to just ask what he was going to do and let him take charge. darn it!!! i'm not even there and i have the urge to take charge!!
now to just go dim for a bit and wait for H to txt again w/ an update or whatever. can't believe how easy it is to fall back to old habits.
BF, don't work too hard over the weekend and be sure to share any good stories of your adventures!!
Have noticed that H has been "nicer"? Not that he wasn't nice before. Hard to explain.
Tonight he txted me asking how much soup I wanted to take on my trip (he has made homemade chowder which I like). In the past when he's made some he has left me a little to try. On friday he had asked if he should make some. Then he txted again saying he made butter chicken and asked whether I wanted to drop by to take some to work.
It's strange. Ok.. I need to stop the mind reading. I'm starting to wonder what's up. But that was part of my problem before. Wondering.. So that I could try and control the outcome...
No GAL for tomorrow. Have to work. Monday I will try and prepare for the sleepover the following weekend w/ my gf and her kids. Laundry.. Pack.. Head out for solo trip with kids. I must be insane.. 6 hrs in the car w/ those 2 monkeys... On my own!! Lol. I'm bringing my guitar and lots of books. Work on the photography too.
Did you see this? Mach wrote on Ten's post:
Those good times are what motivates you to do better.
Those good times are eventually the thing that will allow her to reconsider her decision...
You have changed...
She hasn't................yet
Enjoy the good times 10
Weren't you on here a couple months ago bitchin about how bad things were when you were together ???
Small measurable goals-----you wanted to be different
Hows that workin for ya ???
Not all applies to your sitch but...take what you can use and leave the rest.
6 hrs in the car w/ those 2 monkeys.
At least they aren't Grmpy Mnkys!
Have a great trip with the little monkeys!
As far as the strange "nice" behavior, it could be a million things. You're right not to read into them, but do take notice.
B Bread...be careful of the roller coaster..it's a nasty one. I do like what Bugsy posted from Mach above though. Maybe, huh?
Your trip sounds so restorative for you. Funny, that is just the kind of thing the No More Mr Nice Guy book suggested...taking trips like that. Maybe the time away will give you more insight, or recharge you M batteries, or point you to something new. Whatever, you deserve happiness, lots.
Feel blah today. Txted back and forth w/ H earlier about S still not feeling well. I aske questions but didn't offer solutions like I did yesterday. Just let him handle it.
Later in the evening, I txted H regarding the new line at work. I've been thinking that it might not work for me because the long hours woul make it difficult to care for the kids. In a 2 parent household it could work but being a single parent.. It really bites.
H said he knows I'm trying to think of what's best for myself and the kids. The new line would bring more income but it would be more draining. He just said he thinks I know what's right to do.
I so hate this position I'm in. I wish I could just wave a wand and either be R or just be done. I hate the logistics and trying to figure out the details. Some days I really wish I could start over. Not give up the kids but just knew where my life was heading. Some days.. It just feels like too much.
(((bf)))
It does, doesn't it? Feel like too much, that is.
Some days I really wish I could start over. Not give up the kids but just knew where my life was heading. Some days.. It just feels like too much.
I struggled (still struggle) with this a lot and then finally came to the conclusion that I already had control of where my life was going.
I was just waiting for the OK from someone else.
I then realized that the green flag was up to me, if H caught up to me he did, if he didn't, that was out of my control.
It's a daily decision to keep moving forward and not lag behind waiting for someone who might never show up.
^^^^You're so right, labug!
bf - it's so hard when little kids are thrown into the mix. Some days I wish I could just pick up and go some place new...start over. But then I remember S4 and know that it's easier said than done.
I understand how you just want a decision made and hate this 'not knowing' point in your life. My mom told me last night that when I'm ready to make a decision to continue working on our marriage completely or if I decide I've had enough, that I will have that sense of relief. Right now, I have decided to work on my marriage without my H really wanting to work on it with DB methods, but I don't know how long I can continue in this Limbo Land.
Banana...first (((((times a million))))
I feel so bad knowing that awful dilemma you are in. I think Bugsy`s advice is really right on.
I am in the exact same place as you and its so hard to take that final step off the cliff.
We hold out hope every time our spouses show signs of M life and then get crushed again and again. I really think Bugsy is right a out the green flag right in front of us. I don't think there is any other way than to bravely move forward as single parents and our spouses may or may not catch.
Its hard to remember your real value when you are living with so much confusion on all fronts.
Your a beautiful, strong, peaceful woman and Mom. One guy with problems can't take that away from you.
Rick
Major backslide. H wanted to talk about finances.. It went from bad.. To worse... I'm in completely in tears as I'm writing this.
H is of course wanting to figure things out because he doesn't have a place to stay by the end of April and will need to find his own place. I mentioned how I couldn't see how we could continue the way things are with him paying half the mortgage. I said we needed to figure out child support and i would then determine whether or not I could afford to stay here or whether i needed to move etc. Somehow.. It ended with him saying he's been sleeping on a couch and it hasn't been easy...
I'm not sure how it escalated but I just lost it. I said I didn't really feel sorry for him because he made the choice to leave us.. And then he said "us?". Said he didn't leave the kids.. He left me. And then I just flipped out. Said when you invest more in your "friendships" at work.. It was attaching yourself to someone emotional other than your spouse.. I couldn't control the tears because I was so hurt by his words saying he just didn't want to be married. Blah blah.. In the end, I said.. "yes you chose to leave me because i'm such an awful person and in doing so you became a part time father.. But I guess that's good enough"
I left the room. I think I heard H leave. I just feel so done. Why do i even want to be with this person at all? Someone who just doesn't value me and is so set on walking away? I really feel done. I just don't want this anymore.
Leaving tomorrow and honestly.. Just want to pack the car with the kids and keep driving. I am so choked. I really hate him right now. He was very cold and so hurtful. I don't know if there's anything there anymore.
Oh Barely, I hurt for you right now!! I'm so new at this I don't have good advice, but I totally get your anger and hurt. Don't feel bad about losing it. You have worked sooo hard and after awhile it all builds up. I get the hate part. I was there a few days ago and your words helped me. Please use your trip as time to ponder and try to find the joy with your kids. I'm totally feeling for you tonite.
Hi Barely, have you seen the forecast? Gusts to 65 on up our way, so be careful driving, ok? I will be thinking about you. Oh just saw wind warnings through 5 am tommorrow morning. Good you should be ok. Happy Spring, maybe things will get better for all of us. I'm so sick of this weather. My D. lives in NYC, they had 72 today. No fair. So sorry for your bad day. When you coming back. The weather looks sunny over the weekend. Take care and have some fun, you deserve it!
Hopeless.. Thank you so much for your kind words. It really helps to know someone hears me.
I ended up txt'ing H because I had asked him earlier (before blow up) to pick up meds I had forgotten at my mom's. She called and said he didn't come by so she'll drop them off in the morning on the way to my sister's. H didn't answer. I followed up that txt saying I was sorry. I should have walked away when I felt myself getting upset. I said some things I didn't mean (I didn't mention the fact that i said some stuff I definitely meant). He finally answered asking whether he should pick up my meds in the morning.
I had planned on leaving early before H got off work but he said he had told the kids he would see them before we left. But I packed most of our stuff in the car already so that it would be one less thing to deal with in the morning. I know H will wonder about this because our parking is underground and I actually have to leave our unit to get to it. But this is a reality of being D. Can't always rely on a second person being here.
When we had our falling out.. I said he never told me what I did wrong. Was I too demanding.. What? He said, he had told me.. He just didn't want to be married. That's when i broke and he ended up saying "I didn't leave the kids, I left you". I think that may have been the most hurtful thing he has ever said to me. So I question now whether I will ever be able to get over all the painful stuff I have been put through.
I question God's plans. I felt I had tried so hard to detach and leave the outcome up to him. And i wonder, what did I do to deserve this and how much more will I have to endure. Tonight, I really question how much strength is left in me.
The time away will do me some good. To focus on my beautiful kids.. And to do some more soul searching.
[quote=barely floating]
I question God's plans. I felt I had tried so hard to detach and leave the outcome up to him. And i wonder, what did I do to deserve this and how much more will I have to endure. Tonight, I really question how much strength is left in me.
The time away will do me some good. To focus on my beautiful kids.. And to do some more soul searching. [/quote]
Hi Barely
I too am really feeling for you reading this, and I'm realising that I probably will have to face up to the situation you find yourself in right now, and the time will come for me to decide whether to carry on hoping or to carry on with my life w/o W.
My advice for you...
You really do need to focus on the last part of your post. Your kids will love you forever - unconditionally - never forget that. If you can be strong for them and just focus on having fun with them - I know what you are feeling now will get easier for you over the next few days and help you get through this.
Hang in there and try to stay positive
Bill
Barely, the winds have started, I feel my house will blow over! You know what this may be terrible advice, but I have seen your pic on fb, you are a beautiful girl, and everything I have read in your threads tells me a great mom and great person who is self aware. Does this guy deserve such an wonderful woman? You are 2 years older than my daughter I think of that all the time. What advice would I give to her. The big thing is she doesn't have kids. That makes a huge difference. I know that factors into everything. I just think your h. is stupid, I know, totally subjective. I'm old, considerering, 58, old enuf to be your mom, you are young, beautiful, caring, intelligent, together, you can do this on your own if you want, you have alot of life left in front of you. To be happy and fulfilled with someone who appreciates the greatness of you. We all see that about you here. So keep that in mind while you ponder. I am your best friend tonite. I really care. Take care BF, Pam
((((BF))))))
I hate to hear this for you. That is something very hard to hear. It may not help right now but remember not to believe the things you hear the WAS say. Most likely they have their own issues that they refuse to deal with and the crap that comes out gets directed at you to avoid them having to look at themselves.
Anger is so natural for all of us. If you're not happy with how you dealt with it, just let it go. Its over. Learn from it what you can and move on. No one does this perfect.
I believe you have great strength! Its exhausting to have to use so much after losing what once was a source of strength now turned into somethign that syphons it off of you. But you still have strength. You are a great mom and you are still standing. Your sadness and tears won't change that you are capable of getting through this and even learning ways in which you will grow.
I believe that our sitchs are not God's plan at all. IMO, its the hard reality of free will. When people choose their own path over God's, people get hurt. If we all chose to forgive, love, communicate and deal with conflict effectively, this board would not be needed. But we're human and we get off track and distracted in the moment. I don't believe our sitch's are what God intended for marriage at all, but I do believe he will use them to help us, grow us and live stronger lives if we are open to it.
Be safe in your travels. Just remember you've got friends that care.
B this is one of those down momemts. God knows you are hurting he knows you are questioning him. But don't lose hope and faith. It is illogical to think that you will never again be haPpy. It is. Just not possible. You will have a great life with or without H. Be patient with yourself
(((BF))) I am so sorry about the night you had. I'm with Ces...don't believe everything you hear from your H.
You're a great mom, and that's where you have to focus your energy now. Know that we are all here for you.
Hi bf, wasn't around much yesterday so I missed this. I know that hurts so much.
Please know that his issues are more about him than you. And you know men get hinky around the subject of being "the provider." Doesn't excuse it but it is THEIR issue.
I'd say he's scared and probably doesn't even really know why he left.
But perhaps he knows he can't compare to the awesomeness that is you.
I'm sure he can't.
(((bf)))
((BF))
Those words sting like nothing else, but please don't listen to anything he says.
The WAS thought process always amazes me. When they say they're not leaving the kids, but are leaving you...here's a newsflash, they are leaving everything and everyone, but they don't want to hear that.
I think that when they feel threatened and their decision is being questioned, they get more defensive and more hurtful with their words.
I'm sorry you had to deal with this last night. Enjoy your trip with the little munchkins and don't think about your H too much.
(((BF)))
Feeling for you BF!! I have noticed in my sitch as we have just taken the next step in moving towards D I feel that my waw has become colder and meaner.
I think its their self-preservation/guilt/fear taking over and they paint us as something so negative that they feel justified to treat us cruel. It is a crazy dynamic, is totally unfair, and hurts like no other but unfortunatly their is nothing we can do.
I hope you have a great trip!
B Bread...it's the worst to hear you feeling this pain.
Your feelings about how god could let this happen...I agree with what CES said ^^^^.
Just like how you raise your kids...you love then...but have to let them make their choices and experience life's tests, rewards and failures. That's why we're here, to grow, for our souls to grow. All these things in are lives are part of that process. As tough as it is right now (and BTW I want to deck your H too for hurting you like that), think of what a life altering challenge that is in front of him. If he fails the test he loses you, his kids, himself, everything. If he's lucky he will find it in him to grow.
Now look at you, you may be hurt beyond description, but you are at a higher place in M than him. You are confirming through pain that you were always capable of handling the responsibility of your M vows, and to be a parent to those beautiful kids of yours. You have realized the great and amazing woman you are through this. You have found friends here that truly love you. You have given your kids love, and more attention that they will never forget. You have literally altered them down to their DNA by the love you have given them as they grow.
You're on a tough path no doubt about it. If you had to look back on this from the future I can't see how you would have handled this any better. Blowing out your pain was a good thing. It was from the depths of your soul. You may think it might have harmed your M in some way. How could it? If he gets his [censored] together he would see that for what it was, a woman acting from strength, not weakness. You were right to tell him what your needs are. After all, you are acting from love, for yourself (which is okay you know), your kids and him.
(((banana)))
(((BF))) It [censored], but maybe it will help you detach. As you may recall, I got the same thing a week or so ago. They say the eaxct same things. I wonder if they talk to each other?
Have good trip!
Hugs to you Barely... I had a similar episode on Sunday and am having your same feelings and am right there with you. Keep your chin up and and have a great trip with your kids! :-)
sleep finally took over after all the crying. when i woke up.. my eyes were so puffy i could barely open them! i looked like a bee had stung both my eyes.
i had a chance to read the early morning posts before i left and i just have to say.. thank you. it meant so much to me because it felt so close to having someone put their arms around me and letting me just cry it all out. i found so much comfort and i had a lot to think about on my drive.
what was supposed to be a 6hr drive turned out to be a 10hr trip. stopped to walk around the toy department of walmart.. get groceries.. a little retail therapy at ross..
there were moments when the kids were asleep.. the tears would just stream down my face as i was racing down the highway. i felt so much pain.. anger.. frustration.. i kept hearing H's words to me and i was so hurt. and i thought about this.. i have been through adversities in the past but i never expected those people to protect me. in the past, i had been so hesitant in relationships because i never wanted to end up divorced like my parents (and their's was not an amicable one). so when i met H, i took a chance.. and trusted he would not hurt me.. and when he said what he did.. it was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me because i trusted him w/ my heart.
i spent some time praying on my drive.. telling God that i could not endure anymore... to please just make it over. up until today i had been praying to heal my relationship w/ H (whatever that may be) but today i just prayed to heal my heart. i felt maybe there was some justification for me to hurt.. but what had my kids done to deserve this?
there was a point when i was driving.. i was listening to il divo... looking up at the grey skies.. and just thought to myself.. there is so much beauty all around me. my tears changed from sadness to awe. in that moment, i felt like my life was so insignificant. that my situation was so minor compared to many others before me. yes i was hurting.. but i was here.. surrounded by beauty and knowing that my children were healthy and with me.
H had actually shown up this morning w/ his friend. my first thought.. was he scared to face me himself? he asked if i taken any chowder and i said no. i said i just wanted to go. didn't expect to hear from him at all. planning my LRT... H did end up txting (right when we walked through the door actually). said he was sorry yesterday ended in so much anger. he wanted the kids and i to have fun etc. i didn't answer back. i did have the kids call before bed just so he knew they were safe (i'm not a heartless b*)
tonight i am physically drained. i'm actually drifting off and it's taken me 5 mins to write that last sentence. oh.. drifted again.. time to call it a night..
Barely, there are so many wise people here. And they value you. It's not a sprint, it's a marathon. Hang in there. I think your trip will help. The ocean is scary but it can be soothing too. Kind of where we find ourselves now.
I mean our journey right now. Ups and downs, sitch up scary, friends here, soothing.
Beautiful post, barely. You are finding your way through this.
I feel you pain, literally, with the swollen eyes. I can't even get my contacts in this morning. I am praying today is a good day for you. ((((barely))))
(((BF))) I think this trip will not only be good for your kids, but for you as well.
I can definitely relate to this:
there were moments when the kids were asleep.. the tears would just stream down my face as i was racing down the highway. i felt so much pain.. anger.. frustration.. i kept hearing H's words to me and i was so hurt. and i thought about this.. i have been through adversities in the past but i never expected those people to protect me. in the past, i had been so hesitant in relationships because i never wanted to end up divorced like my parents (and their's was not an amicable one). so when i met H, i took a chance.. and trusted he would not hurt me.. and when he said what he did.. it was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me because i trusted him w/ my heart.
But then I think, if I hadn’t trusted, where would I be? What kind of person would I be? I would have missed out on the good times we did have. I wouldn’t take those moments back for anything. Even if my M doesn’t make it. You wouldn’t have your wonderful children to hug and kiss, and love on. I don’t have that, and can’t imagine how incredibly strong you have to be to protect your kids during this kind of situation. You are to be saluted for that! (I really need to figure out a salute emoticon. LOL)
there was a point when i was driving.. i was listening to il divo... looking up at the grey skies.. and just thought to myself.. there is so much beauty all around me. my tears changed from sadness to awe. in that moment, i felt like my life was so insignificant. that my situation was so minor compared to many others before me. yes i was hurting.. but i was here.. surrounded by beauty and knowing that my children were healthy and with me.
The fact that you could change your thinking when all around you it seems your world is falling apart is AMAZING. Keep that. Hold tight to it.
I hope you’re having a good day today!
autumn - my eyes were so puffy i had problems w/ my contacts too! lol.
roro - you're right.. i can't regret this relationship because i have 2 incredibly beautiful children. and when they come to me just to cuddle or get random kisses.. it trully is worth it. how's this for a salute? =@ sort of like the fist bump but just one.. with the 2 fingers saluting? do you see it?? lol
i'm going home tomorrow. was supposed to leave friday but now decided to leave tomorrow after lunch instead.
there have been moments where i watched my kids play and thought how beautiful their little lives are.. but there have also been moments of incredibly sadness and heartache.. thinking that this is it.. and remembering H's words to me.. and the silence (apart from the waves) which i often find comforting is killing me.
i need my family.. i need my friends..
yesterday i felt.. done. today, the pain is still there but somewhat dulled.. my gf sent me an email that said i needed to remember that H's words were said to the person i use to be and am not anymore. H may or may not ever know how much i have changed but if he didn't.. it was his huge loss. words that brought me to tears (seems to have happened a lot in these past couple of days) but something i so needed to hear.
i sent H an email letting him know that we may leave tomorrow rather than friday. just wanted to give him a heads up. he sent a message back asking whether i wanted him to be there to help us up or whether i preferred to have some space. either or. i didn't know what to say! thought about accuray's words on someone else's thread about how they needed to act as if they were a catch and not someone to be so easily discarded (he didn't say it in those exact words). i didn't know how to relay that so i finally settled on.. "i'm unsure what time we'll be back. we may not be home until late. if you are there when we get home then i'm sure the kids will be happy. if not i'll figure it out. have a good night". hmmmm... looking back i could have worded it better. i added in the have a good night because i didn't want to be so unfeeling. oh well.
i am a beautiful woman. educated.. loving.. supportive.. compassionate.... ummmmm.. i recycle.. i shower daily.. any man would be lucky to be with me! lol. i'm going to have to keep repeating this until i believe it. i'm awesome!!!
question.. how do you know when you've crossed the line between just being confident to insanely vain and obnoxious??
Oh Barely, you crack me up! Recycle, shower daily! And yes you are awesome. Also have a very smart gf. Confidence is good, and you are so not obnoxious. Hang in and have a safe trip home. I am so jealous you get kisses from kids. Mine are so far away. I really miss the nightly hugs I used to get from H. Right up to the bomb day. Take care.
Just a funny, like 2 weeks ago when wind was really blowing, I didn't even put out the garbage, but I recycled. Next day so mad, container gone, well somebody took it. Actually it blew across the street sort of hidden in neighbors yard. I TOO am a recycler! But maybe I only shower every other day! Hope you have a good day!
i am a beautiful woman. educated.. loving.. supportive.. compassionate.... ummmmm.. i recycle.. i shower daily.. any man would be lucky to be with me! lol. i'm going to have to keep repeating this until i believe it. i'm awesome!!!
Yes you are all of these and don't forget it. Unless your H is blind or stays in his guarded shell for the rest of eternity he WILL see this and have doubts. Hopefully sooner rather than later.
Do you wear deoderant?
i am a beautiful woman. educated.. loving.. supportive.. compassionate.... ummmmm.. i recycle.. i shower daily.. any man would be lucky to be with me! lol. i'm going to have to keep repeating this until i believe it. i'm awesome!!!
LOL at showering and recycling! I think you're a great catch
Whatever your H is saying, it is not directed at you. He's protecting his own stupid decisions and will say anything to feel good about it.
Sorry you have to cut your trip short. Have a safe drive home!
question.. how do you know when you've crossed the line between just being confident to insanely vain and obnoxious??
You've got a long way to go before you get there.
I've found that when I go thru those almost unbearable painful times, I come out with a different level of acceptance.
Hope the same for you.
I've found that when I go thru those almost unbearable painful times, I come out with a different level of acceptance.
I think I have begun to notice this as well. As much as it hurts and is evolving away from our long term goal of R the toughest times cause us to grow the most.
I feel for every one of us suffering out here and hope one way or another we can all find the peace and happiness we desire and deserve.
I'm new to the forum, so new that my initial post hasn't been cleared from moderation yet. At least I don't think it has. But I've been reading here for several weeks (in some ways it already feels like months which it has not been).
BF, I've followed your thread for the past week and I think you have been incredibly strong in light of what you've faced. I cannot say I understand because I am going through a very different situation.
Regardless, I empathize and am taking strength from how you are dealing with your adversity. I think, rightly or wrongly, that you have your focus in the right place and that is on YOU. We cannot make someone else see/feel what we do.
Not sure what more to say, other than I expect that there are others like me who read your thread and take strength, far more than actually post in it. You have had many of the regulars respond, but those of us on the outside see you as well.
Keep your chin up.
Q1
tonight.. despite the mayhem of the kids in the house.. i feel acutely alone.
i cut the trip short and started home yesterday afternoon. didn't get home until about 2030. when we were home, H asked if i wanted him to get our bags but i said no and got them myself. i really just didn't want anything from him. and then i went upstairs and just hung out.. avoiding contact w/ him. i put the kids to bed and remained upstairs. H txted asking if everything was ok. and then he went upstairs and said goodnight to the kids and then said "see ya" to me and left. i didn't go downstairs like i usually would to lock the door.
the house is a mess. i'm cleaning and doing laundry.. i just feel so overwhelmed thinking that i will be doing this all myself for years to come.
H txted earlier today asking if i had a library card because he was thinking of going to access the internet. it seems like such a ridiculous question because why can't he just get his own card?? he has been looking for a second job in order to pay for his own place. said that he had messaged this guy asking for anything..
he doesn't want to be married. but the single life of working 2 jobs.. even crappy ones.. is better than being with me. wow. there's really nothing left to say.
Hi Barely, sorry you are having a bad nite. Jeez, what is wrong with him??? Maybe after "living" the 2 jobs will make him rethink. Give it some time. That's what I'm going to do. Don't think of the future, you don't really know that's how its going to be. Anyone on this board who knows you, knows how special you are. He's nuts not to see it!!
Don't see my post or yours, just quorums??
Hey bf, I've felt the same way many times in the past but now I know that it's the stuff they aren't willing to look at that took them away.
tonight.. despite the mayhem of the kids in the house.. i feel acutely alone.
....
he doesn't want to be married. but the single life of working 2 jobs.. even crappy ones.. is better than being with me. wow. there's really nothing left to say.
Hi Barely,
I'm sorry you had a bad day, and I hope today is better. Some days will not be as good as others, I know, trite but true.
As others have stated, keep looking forward. Right this minute your H is in a headspace that isn't productive for you so you just need to let him be what he is and keep doing your thing!
From reading your posts, you have a great outlook, have great kids and you get to live in beautiful Vancouver and spend time on the island. I'm jealous. I grew up on the island but live on the other side of the rockies now. Further, it has been snowing the past couple of days (not sticking but still).
So, keep your stick on the ice and go to it!
That's about the best pep talk I got, probably won't' ever make it as a motivational speaker but know there are a lot of people here who are with you.
Q1
Hi barely, wasn't it beautiful today. I think I got a little sunburned! Hope you are doing ok.
Hey bf, I've felt the same way many times in the past but now I know that it's the stuff they aren't willing to look at that took them away.
So sadly true bugsy
quorum - "keep your stick on the ice and go to it!". i really like that. spoken like a true canadian! and it's really what i need to do. keep my head in the game.. don't get called for any penalties.. and maybe.. just maybe.. i'll be able to get a goal in here and there.
bugsy - i think you're very right. it feels as though H has not really looked at things. when we've had our R talks.. he can never pinpoint (or rather he maybe chooses not to) what it is about M that he seems so against. or maybe he's just against me? i don't know.
i am so very tired. 2 trips w/ the kids done. we had friends over on the weekend. of course that was chaotic.. but in a nice sort of way.. and now on my second night shift. i am beat. being a single parent is extremely challenging.
but i'm doing ok. not great. but ok. i sort of bobbled in and out of the water there for a little bit. but the thing that always keeps me going.. is the well being of my little ones.
i have been going as dark as possible w/ H. i just don't want to get into it. i'm tired.. and the emotional roller coaster wears me out!
today i had a phone call from a number i didn't recognize. when i checked my messages.. it was the people from retrouvaille calling to do the phone interview. i was a little thrown off because it's becoming very real.. this weekend. it's 3 weeks away and there is still the chance we won't make it there. also, after all that has happened between us.. i wonder if there's even anything left to repair. H is intent on ending things.. and i am unsure whether i will ever be able to trust or forgive if we chose to R. but i guess that's neither here nor there.
i spoke w/ FIL over the weekend to ask him about watching kids for the weekend of retrouvaille. and FIL is coming by on wednesday to see the kids. i also wanted to speak w/ him about the weekend. actually, i'm not quite sure if i'll say anything. but it'll be nice for the kids to see him.. plus it was his bday today.
today my kids wanted to climb into my lap and cuddle. and i had a chance to tell them both how much i love them. and when their little arms hug back.. it's such a great feeling. when i put the kids to bed last night, D didn't want me to leave. she wrapped her arm around mine and wouldn't let go. so very cute. H is missing out on a lot.
how to GAL this week. cleaning! i am determined to find those darn sliding things that go under the big furniture that makes it magically easy to push things by yourself!! i want to do it all myself rather than relying on H to do it. a 180?
Beautiful post, bf.
I don't know much about Retro but it can't hurt can it?
Sort of like how the EMS squads put O2 on everyone-Can't hurt, Might help.
Maybe they don't do that up North.
((((banana)))) you're gonna be okay...just keep going...and keep allowing everyone to love you.
The hockey analogy is cool BTW
quorum - "keep your stick on the ice and go to it!". i really like that. spoken like a true canadian! and it's really what i need to do. keep my head in the game.. don't get called for any penalties.. and maybe.. just maybe.. i'll be able to get a goal in here and there.
You will definitely get your share of goals B!
bugsy - i think you're very right. it feels as though H has not really looked at things. when we've had our R talks.. he can never pinpoint (or rather he maybe chooses not to) what it is about M that he seems so against. or maybe he's just against me? i don't know.
I feel the exact same way, very frustrating.
i am so very tired. 2 trips w/ the kids done. we had friends over on the weekend. of course that was chaotic.. but in a nice sort of way.. and now on my second night shift. i am beat. being a single parent is extremely challenging.
but i'm doing ok. not great. but ok. i sort of bobbled in and out of the water there for a little bit. but the thing that always keeps me going.. is the well being of my little ones.
Same here. When I'm really down they give me strength and motivation.
i have been going as dark as possible w/ H. i just don't want to get into it. i'm tired.. and the emotional roller coaster wears me out!
today i had a phone call from a number i didn't recognize. when i checked my messages.. it was the people from retrouvaille calling to do the phone interview. i was a little thrown off because it's becoming very real.. this weekend. it's 3 weeks away and there is still the chance we won't make it there. also, after all that has happened between us.. i wonder if there's even anything left to repair. H is intent on ending things.. and i am unsure whether i will ever be able to trust or forgive if we chose to R. but i guess that's neither here nor there.
i spoke w/ FIL over the weekend to ask him about watching kids for the weekend of retrouvaille. and FIL is coming by on wednesday to see the kids. i also wanted to speak w/ him about the weekend. actually, i'm not quite sure if i'll say anything. but it'll be nice for the kids to see him.. plus it was his bday today.
today my kids wanted to climb into my lap and cuddle. and i had a chance to tell them both how much i love them. and when their little arms hug back.. it's such a great feeling. when i put the kids to bed last night, D didn't want me to leave. she wrapped her arm around mine and wouldn't let go. so very cute. H is missing out on a lot.
how to GAL this week. cleaning! i am determined to find those darn sliding things that go under the big furniture that makes it magically easy to push things by yourself!! i want to do it all myself rather than relying on H to do it. a 180?
((((BF)))
Hi Barely,
I'm new here but I've been following your story. In reading your posts, it sounds like you are getting stronger every day and I guess that's all one can hope for.
I really hope you and your H go to Retrouvaille. I would be very interested to hear your impressions of Retrouvaille. I had been reading up on it when my H told me he would consider doing some sort of marriage coaching. It seems like a good program. Unfortunately, my H is determined to get a D and is not willing to do any C of any sort.
Hope your day is a better one today and gobble up all the hugs you can get from your babies, they really are the best medicine!
Barely, hang in there girl. Just getting ready to go see my L. Yuck, check in later.
Hi, have you been able to get some rest? Do you think he wtill wants to do Retrov.? My H. wouldn't even consider anything like that. Very rightmindnessess of him, that's how he operates. Once decided, done. Causes a lot of trouble w my dbing. But I can't control it. I know it's so hard to be a single mom. I did it for 5 years with my first d. You would have thought I would have learned something, but I didn't, not this time. I will learn something from this disaster. Can't help but not, this time it wasn't my choice.
The cuddles from kids must be great. Your H. is going to continue to miss alot. Maybe it will occur to him, esp. if you go to weekend. Is that this coming weekend? Take care, get some sleep.
I just had an email with H. He's been working numbers on d. all nite, said he had made a mistake in how he computed IRA community property #. Yikes, trying to not think negative, but I have signed a lease! He said at 10:00 he was feeling tired after working on this all nite. I emailed back, that's fine, try to get a good nites sleep and that I was going to try to do the same. Sleep, a precious commodity. I can only usually get 4 to 6 and then wake up and obsess, then I have to nap later. Anyway, I think of you often and hope things swing your way soon. Fondly
Hey BF - Please hang in there. I know being a single parent isn't easy, but you are definitely doing better than you think.
BTW - Not sure if you have a Bed, Bath, and Beyond, but they sell the slide thingys.
not sure if we have a bed, bath and beyond.. but i went to the showcase store (where they sell all those as seen on tv stuff) and bought it! so tonight i think i will have to figure out how to move the computer and tv with all the wiring. i'm afraid to take things apart and not have anything work again. :B
so H txted last night after the kids had already gone to bed. i asked if he was still coming to take S to school or whether i should prepare to do it. he said he was coming because he needed to see the kids.
when he got here this morning, he seemed a bit down. and later on i could see him tearing up when he was hugging them and as he stood there looking around at our place. i didn't say anything. went upstairs instead so that i wouldn't get teary. he had also brought me a usb cable for my kindle. that was a nice gesture (i didn't tell him that i had just ordered one online last night).
i heard S asking H if he was going to stay here after he picked him up from school today (H wasn't intending on picking him up from school). when H came back, he seemed a lot happier. talking to me about GOT.. checking gas prices across the border.. eating MY chips.. lol.
i don't want to put any thought to his actions or his sadness. i always seem to get hurt when i get expectations and i just don't want to go there this time.
afterschool, S was asking whether H was staying at our place. he really got upset when i said no. this is the first time he's become so upset to the point of tears. it broke my heart. so i just gave him a hug and told him how much i love him.
what's my GAL tonight?? criminal minds.. figuring out all the electronics stuff.. FIL is also supposed to come by and see the kids. and i guess i will call the people from retrouvaille back for the interview. i'm really nervous. eek.
"after school,, S was asking whether H was staying at our place. he really got upset when i said no. this is the first time he's become so upset to the point of tears. it broke my heart. so i just gave him a hug and told him how much i love him."
My S6 has been saying a few things like this^^^. It breaks my heart and I just want to grab H by the shirt collar and say: "see! It's not just me you're walking away from!" But I hold it all in and just try to give S6 as much love and attention as I can.
If your H is still willing to go to retrovielle, I think that's a small positive (even though he might be dragging his heels through the door) but maybe it wil be a turning point- not saying a R will happen immediately, but maybe it will make him (and you) really think inwards about what type of M you want... Def. will plant some seeds.
Little kids tears, sad. At least for me, no kids involved, makes it easier. Glad you found sliding things, be brave!
BB and Purg - I was one of those little boys and I can tell you that there is no easy was around it for a young guy when Dad leaves. You have a lot on your plate and I can remember my Mom going through it.
One thing, when your boys get a bit older, maybe around 10 they are going to be very into guy only stuff, and they will cringe when Mom tries to get involved. Im just saying...try not to take it personally. Who knows maybe all will be well long before the time they reach that age!!!!
Organized sports and things like that help because they get some guy attention, which trust me, they crave at that age.
Barely, are you having horrific wind tonite?
hopeless - i think there were wind warning earlier but not anymore. it was quite windy in the afternoon. pretty quiet right now actually. windy where you are??
started a new post..
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2234110&#Post2234110