Well, dear friends, I had a long lapse again, not talking to you for a while. I don't think it was necessarily a
bad thing per se to be away for a while, as I was spending more time working on my own issues, particularly anger issues, and just didn't have the time to stay on the board. However, I find there are times when I could have used the support, and find that, whatever my reasons for being away for a while, I really need to be here.
OK, so, for those who are interested, here is the link to my last thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2208358&page=1Since that time things have gotten worse. A LOT worse. I don't really know how to sum it all up without writing a novel, which I don't have time for (and I don't know if anyone has time to read), but I will try.
W is pregnant, which had things going a little better, as we had something positive to look forward to. In fact, there had been some positive stuff going on for a while (how d'ya think she GOT pregnant?). But all this positive stuff was shaky at best - one day things would be a little better, the next we would hardly be speaking.
A few things happened that set the stage for the current mess, although I think these things just set things in motion that had already been ready to collapse. One time when we were ML, I was very clumsy, and when W responded by telling me it hurt, I tried to change what I was doing. Nothing changed, she told me it felt the same, I tried to change again, didn't work, I panicked, tried to change again (repeat cycle several times) until she finally told me to stop. I had kept trying to change; it never occurred to me to just stop until she said so. I felt completely stupid, and apologized, but it gave her the impression that I don't listen to her, despite my explaining that I had been in "panic mode," and she lost trust. Whenever we are in MC, she brings that up, and my explanations don't matter - the impact the event had on her is what it is, and my explanations don't change her feelings. I've finally learned to realize that - what she feels is what she feels, and her feelings are not "wrong."
Another major turning point was when W and I were discussing this issue. She was in tears, telling me how much I had hurt her, broken her trust, and how she saw my behavior signifying that she didn't matter to me, and then talking about all the other ways that my behavior suggested that I was disregarding her. She wouldn't let me near her to comfort her, and her statements of how bad I had been to her kept piling up, and there was nothing I could say or do. I wanted so badly to do something to make her feel better, and I felt so guilty, and I was overwhelmed!
I had what is called a "meltdown." At least that is what people informally call it - there isn't a technical term I am aware of.
You see, I have Asperger's Disorder. It's related to Autism, but usually people can manage a career, and a regular life. Some people with Asperger's can become overstimulated or overwhelmed with circumstances, intense emotions, etc., and then they lose control of themselves. It's called a meltdown.
I started slamming my head against a wall - hard. I shouted out about how bad I was, and asked God to end my life. As childish or bizarre as this behavior seems to you when you read it, that is how embarrassed I am to put it out there. How embarrassed I felt when, moments later, I caught myself and forced myself to stop, and apologized to W.
It wasn't the first meltdown W had seen. In fact, this one was unusually short, and I was able to catch myself much earlier than those I had experienced in the past. But it was still too late.
At our next MC, W told me that she does not feel safe with me (although I would never dream of becoming violent toward her), and that she does not want to talk to me anymore, as she is afraid to talk about anything serious, for fear it will cause another meltdown. She feels that she has exhausted all her emotional resources to remain in this M, but she is willing to continue to live in the same house, for the sake of the kids.
We worked out an arrangement - we don't talk when we are alone. Only speak on functional topics (who's going to drive the kids to karate, etc.). Now I am sleeping on an air mattress on the floor of a crowded basement. This is the state of our M, with a baby on the way.
I don't know how coherent that all was - it's kind of a jumble in my mind. If you have any questions, I'll gladly answer them. I'm just hoping for someone to talk to. I feel really alone.
Someone challenged me about the feelings of shame. What are you ashamed of? I have had my own meltdowns mostly in anger. Let me ask you, can u control you meltdowns? When I got angry, I felt out of control, but TBH I gave myself permission, I wanted to be angry and have a meltdown. I don't have Aperger's DX.
Rick,
Thanks for responding to me so soon.
Honestly, I don't feel in control when I am having a meltdown. I can say that there have been times in the past when I can remember, as you say, "Giving myself permission," but this last time it didn't feel that way. It seemed like there was too much, and I freaked out.
As for the shame - well, right now, I feel ashamed of my meltdown. I also feel ashamed of my failure to control myself enough that W can feel safe, failure to maintain a normal M with a woman who obviously was willing to give me hundreds of "second chances..." I can't even say how many things I am ashamed of.
Where exactly were you going with that?
Shame says to me that you have more control over your actions. Is like having an A and feeling bad afterwards. Maybe I am wrong I dunno. If you had psychosis and didn;t remember the stuff you said while psychotic you probably would have no shame. I have also noticed that when DBers don't post for a while they get into trouble. It tells me that they think they got it under control, but they come back and things are always worse. just some things to think about
Thanks, I appreciate the food for thought.
"Another major turning point was when W and I were discussing this issue. She was in tears, telling me how much I had hurt her, broken her trust, and how she saw my behavior signifying that she didn't matter to me, and then talking about all the other ways that my behavior suggested that I was disregarding her. She wouldn't let me near her to comfort her, and her statements of how bad I had been to her kept piling up, and there was nothing I could say or do. I wanted so badly to do something to make her feel better, and I felt so guilty, and I was overwhelmed! "
i don't know your whole story,only read the posts here on this thread - am so sorry you are going through this.
i don't have asperger's but what i have had and come out of recently is post concussion syndrome. all neuro conditions share similarities and i think that one of them is getting overwhelmed and is probably one of the most challenging to deal with. even now after all this time, it is the one i battle with the most.
i don't know if this would help you, but what my therapist taught me when things started getting really bad - (my meltdown's involved a lot of shouting and anger and a couple of times breaking things) was that by the time i realized i was overwhelmed and started acting on it (you banging your head, me shouting) , i was already at a 7 or 8 on a scale from 1 to 10. and that by then it was too late.
she taught me to recognize the signs when it was at a 1 or 2 - if you inspect what you're feeling more closely as the discussion proceeds, you WILL learn to recognize it earlier and earlier.
and when you start to recognize the trigger, MAKE yourself stop right there, tell your spouse that you are going to get overwhelmed and you need time and space to let your brain calm down, and WALK AWAY! you are no good to yourself or anyone else after you hit a 5 or 6 , much less an 8.
my therapist told me also that to let my spouse know beforehand that this is what i was going to do.
sadly in my case, with my H - even though i explained and explained, and actually really got very good at recognizing right away that i needed the space, stating it and walking away, H did not even once allow it to me - he would give me a minute and then come after me and start up agin - i would say once again "i'm overwhelmed, give me some time" and he would once again repeat the same thing - this would go on until i "lost it"
when i look back, i see the pattern - it had always been there, even before, but got really exagerrated with my health issues.
what i didn't see at the time and which i see much more clearly now is that H used this to his advantage - he could see i was overwhelmed - badly, but wanted to make his point so much that he was willing to push me over the edge, and then turn around and say - see i was right - you always lose it and you are oh so angry and put all the blame on me, and the actual issue became hidden in the chaos
i wish i had had the presence of mind during those moments to actually walk out of the house, get in the car and drive away. but my brain would be so overwhelmed and on some level, i actually kept trusting that H would help me out rather than attack me
i'm sorry to be blunt and i hope you don't mind me saying this, but to me it sounds as if Wife KNOWS your triggers really well and is using them against you. do a 180 with this, if you can and as soon as she starts berating you in the way you described in the post - find what will suit you - if in the past you stood there and had a meltdown, find the courage and strength to get your car keys or your bicycle or whatever and walk out the door, saying we can talk about this, when you want to talk about the real issue, but not if you keep going on about the same thing
another thing the therapist taught me is that this is associated with flight or fight syndrome. when the brain gets overwhelmed and it does very easily in neuro conditions the amygdala (primitive part of our brains) kicks in, and it has only two options available to it - stay and fight (that's the reaction we are having that seems out of control) or fly (get away from the danger - in this case the pressure form the other person)
i wish you well - it took me a long time to retrain my brain to recognize the beginning stages of getting overwhelmed - i was lucky that my therapist could teach me this
Zig -
Thanks. I don't really know if W is deliberately "pushing my buttons." Her tears seem too sincere when she talks about how hurt she is, and I have no signals that she actually wants to end M.
But the rest of the stuff you said was spot on. I have been told to do that before, but some things got in the way. First, one of the features of Asperger's is that a person has difficulty recognizing their own emotions, so you can see how that would make things difficult. Secondly, I was impatient. Partly it's my own impatience, wanting to find a solution that would work right away, but it was also my situation. By the time I started looking for a solution, things had already gotten pretty bad, and W had gotten skittish about approaching me for any serious conversations, so I didn't get many opportunities to practice my skill of recognizing my "warning signs." And, since learning a skill like that is something of a trial and error process, I was bound to fail the first few times. The problem was that each time I failed, W would wait longer before I would ever get a chance again - and each time I failed, she would feel more profoundly hurt, causing what I now see to have been crushing damage to our relationship. So, even when I did try to work on myself, it just wasn't enough.
Now I am sleeping on an air mattress on the basement floor, where it just barely fits between the desk and the furnace. W doesn't talk to me, and has said explicitly that she doesn't want me to talk to her except minimal functional communication, and that only when others are present. But, oddly enough, all this actually has some upsides. At least, with no demands to maintain a relationship, I have some extra space to take the time to work on myself - to try to learn my "warning signs" for loss of control. I don't have much to make me angry such that I would get a chance to observe these, but I can reflect, learn more about myself, and try to get a better sense of myself, so maybe I will be more secure if we ever come back together. Otherwise, I guess it's not a waste of time to just try to be a better person.
I appreciate your sharing - and I'm so sorry to hear what H did to you (read in your signature). Sometimes it makes me so angry to hear that guys will throw away a R with a W who loves them and wants to try to make it work, when I would be heart-rendingly grateful to just have another chance with my W. Like a starving child looking at others thowing away food. I'd just like to smack him upside the head and tell him what he's throwing away.
OK, I'm done ranting. Thanks again.
i'm glad that my sharing what i experienced with you has helped in anyway - and i'm sorry about the sleeping sitch you're in.
though your positive outlook on it giving you space and time to work on yourself is a great thing to read - and helps me. my H has left town for a month, and i really need to use the time and space to work on myself.
btw - my H was really sincere too, when he told me repeatedly with much sympathetic emotion,for the last 2 years how disabled and helpless i was (because he chose to see me that way)
if she is so hurt, then why is she controlling the sitch now by "not allowing "you to speak with her? sorry to be blunt, but if you're saying that she isn't showing any signs of wanting to end the marriage - why is she controlling the sitch by not allowing you to talk to her, and what does that mean for you, and what are your boundaries for her setting the rules?
as for what H has "done to me" - thanks for your sympathy - but it works both ways - and i really feel that both H and I brought our relationship to that point together. i'm definitely NOT responsible for his decision to solve problems by having an affair and leaving, but i am half responsible for the sorry state our relationship got to, when it happened
hope your day is going well - btw - i don't know if this would work for you, but meditation really helped me to solidify the ability to stay calm while dealing with H - it helps to rewire your brain to a much calmer state.
hey psych77 - i think the tone of my last message to you was a bit hard and uncompromising- i'm sorry about that - terribly sorry. i should have waited until i was in a better mood to write back to you - it was my own mood coming through, frustration at my H and my own sitch - that was shading my reply
please forgive me - i am sure, as you say that your W was genuine in her hurt - and inciting you to be mad about the way she is dealing with it, by not allowing you guys to talk, - was suggesting the wrong way to look at things
i guess it triggered off my own experience where, whenever my H or I were hurt about something, instead of staying open and vulnerable and working through it, we would just shut down and it was so frustrating
Zig - No problem. If we were all in our best emotional place, I guess none of us would be here. I'm just glad that there is someone here I relate to, to talk with.
W has a long history of abuse from her family of origin, and I think that is a part of what has her shut down now. I think she sees cutting off communication as a form of self preservation, because the fear caused by me losing control is too much for her.
I think that the best thing I can do for both of us is to give her space, and respect the boundaries she has put up.
I don't like sleeping in the basement, but I would like it less if we had to live separately - I think of what the impact of that would be on our kids...including one on the way. Wow, it's overwhelming to even think of that. Anyway, at least their life is less disrupted if we can be "separate" while living in the same house. I love them, and really don't want them to be hurt while we go through this.
Well, last night I went out to a barbershop singing group with my oldest son...pretty nerdy, right? Son is the youngest member of the group by far, and if I'm not second I'm not far off. But we both enjoy singing, and it is nice to be so welcomed somewhere. It is the one thing I am doing to GAL. Aside from that, my life is almost entirely at home. But I don't mind so much, as I look forward to reading to my younger 3 kids every night. After that I just try to keep busy so I can keep up my part of the agreement, to avoid conversations for the time being, until it's time for bed. Then it's back down to the dungeon. Well, an air mattress is better than the cold floor, anyway.
Don't really have too much to say today. Funny, W probably doesn't know that she is kind of pressing me into DBing - since she won't talk to me, she leaves me little choice but to focus on myself.
Don't know if this divorce will get busted, but I am really hoping that at least if we are split up we can be split up in the same house. We are a 1 income family, and it would be tough to make ends meet if I had to support 2 households. Am I being really callous in looking at things from such a practical perspective? Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me...I could hardly keep myself from being in tears when things looked a lot more hopeful than this, but now my thoughts don't even run toward grieving for our marriage - just thinking about how to get by and not feel too lonely/pressured/anxious/upset.
Tonight W and I go to MC. She is not talking about reconciliation during sessions, just airing her feelings of hurt. She did say at last session that she would be willing to settle for having a "roommate agreement," that would specify responsibilities for each of us, so maybe we will negotiate that tonight. She did say that she felt that sessions were worthwhile, although she didn't say what she was getting out of them. They are the only time we communicate at all, so I am not about to complain about them.
Just living day to day...I guess that is the only way to do it.
Take care, all. Will talk to you later.
Soooo...
Now I have been to MC again with W, and she is still completely distraught over the issues that I mentioned before.
Based on the fact that I have had meltdowns, she states that she doesn't feel safe at home, and that I am trying to control her. Based on my having hurt her in bed, she says that I am abusive.
She wants me to go to an abuser's intervention program, and I have agreed.
I have mixed feelings about this. I don't think of myself as having tried to put her down or control her. But I guess that is true of any abusive husband. Everybody thinks he/she is in the right, and nobody really supposes they are being unreasonable, right? Besides, it is a way that she is showing some hope for our M...if she didn't hope for our M to recover, she wouldn't ask me to get any kind of intervention. And the focus on this group is developing healthy relationships. It is humiliating to do this when I never had any intention of hurting her or putting her "under my thumb," but going and trying to learn what I can can't hurt me. I am trying to be open to the possibility that maybe there is more to my behavior than I realized. But I am nervous.
I made the call to set the appointment for initial assessment, and one of the first questions the woman on the phone asked was the name of my probation officer. It was embarrassing to be asked that question, and then to have to explain that I didn't have one.
And now I am worrying about what I am going to tell the person assessing me. That I was insensitive to my wife in bed, and didn't stop when she said I was hurting her? That I become upset when she tells me how much I have hurt her, and bang my own head into the wall? Do I explain everything from W's point of view, or do I express what I was trying to do?
What if I am told that what I have done doesn't qualify as abuse for their purposes?
OK, just typing this out I am realizing that I have been spazzing out over these questions. I guess I need to just relax and take things as they come.
I'm not even sure that an abuse intervention program is the right thing for me, but like I said, it can't hurt me to go, and at least it shows my good will in continuing to try.
I guess I'll just work on a list of things I want to say during the initial assessment.
If anyone's out there, an encouraging word or two wouldn't fall amiss.
Thanks. I appreciate the input. And your honesty. I know you are not afraid to say things that may be uncomfortable for me to hear (from previous conversations), and that forthrightness is important...even if sometimes I have clammed up in response.
Tread very lightly on the Abuse Intervention program. I see red flags all over the place. What a great thing to say to a judge to get you out of the house w/o you having a say.
Go in and tell them the truth, from your perspective. If the truth isn't that you belong there, hopefully they will suggest a place to be.
In my case, I'm seeing a therapist doing a 1-on-1 anger management program. (In fact, the book is a government publication and available free on the Internet:
http://kap.samhsa.gov/products/manuals/pdfs/anger2.pdf )
When I was evaluated they did speak to my wife separately to get her side of the story.
Harrier's comment makes a lot of sense actually. If you don't have anyone monitoring your Asbergers, you might want to just ask your regular doctor.
I would speak to a L. A judge can order those records.
Psych
I am no professional but your W does know you have Asp. Syndrome does she not?
From the way you discribed it, it does not seem to me to be abuse. Accidental and certainly maybe painful but would you say you intended to cause her harm?
Were you reacting to some anger or acting out some retribution type of behavior?
From what you described you became overwhelmed with what was happening and didn't know how to correct your love making technique shall we say?
I think a normal male reaction would be to do that. Try to do something different.
But only you know what you thought in that moment.
You stopped when she said stop.
Have you displayed abusive behavior toward her in the past?
I think by this time if you were an abuser you would have a history of it. Hence the question the counselor asked if you were on probation.
I am not making light of what happened or her feelings about it. I think she may have been truly scared and hurt.
I am more concerend that she may be setting you up here Psych or trying to take advantage of your obvious remorse and desire to repair your M.
Has she talked about a D or seeing a lawyer?
Are you under the care of a physician for your syndrome?
Have you talked to your dr. about this?
Be aware Psych. Protect yourself. People don't fight fair when they have made up their mind to get out.
I think but don't know for sure that if you talk to your dr. about this it would not be admissable to anything she might try to bring in to a D case. Again I am not an expert.
Be careful about what you say and who you say it to.
Psych, i dont post much, i browse on occasion, and ended up on your thread.
but this throws up a major red flag for me. i would strongly suggest speaking to a L before going to this Abuse Intervention program.
this may be used against you in the future, with respect to custody, etc.
at this stage of your sitch, you have to be very careful with what you do, and what you say.
Thank you, everyone, for your concern. I will be careful what I say, although I don't think I quite have to be, as nothing I have done was meant maliciously. But there may be some degree of self-centeredness or lack of self control (meltdowns) that may benefit.
As for being set up, I did think of that, but only with that part of my mind that makes up nasty scenarios about people I am angry with. When my rational mind is in charge, I don't really believe at all that W is doing this as a trap.
There are a few reasons I don't think this will work out that way:
[list]
[*]I have already told W that if she wants D I will move out without any trouble. I can't force her to stay with me, and if the kids have to be with one or the other, I think they will be better off with her, given that I work full time and then some
[*]I also have told W that if we split, I will pick up all the overtime I can in order to see that I can support myself separately without the family taking a financial hit. It is something I need to do to be true to myself. So, in short, there would be nothing to be gained by trumping up evidence against me.
[*]As far as custody goes, I am not worried. W loves her children, and knows how attached they are to me. She wouldn't screw them by deliberately depriving them of their father.
[*]On top of all this, W has always been up front with me. If there is anything I can say about her, as angry and hurt as I have been with her at times, is that she is not a back stabber. To lure me into a situation by playing on my hopes for recovery of M (she introduced the idea by asking, "How far are you willing to go to save this M?")just so she can trick me into a legal trap would be quite out of character for her. If not, then I have not come to know her at all in 18 years.
Believe me, I have thought about your cautions, and in this current situation it is stressful to even consider the idea that she would stoop to that kind of betrayal, but after thinking about it, I am as sure as is humanly possible (of course, I can't read minds).
W does know that I have Asperger's. It just doesn't ease the pain she feels in response to my behavior. As I said before, I think her history of abuse by her family of origin may intensify her perception of what happened.
She has not seen a lawyer, and even when, recently, she suggested that I live elsewhere (my sleeping separately was a compromise, such that increased financial stress does not ensue), she hastened to add, "I don't want a divorce, I just want you to be away for a while."
I am seen psychiatrically for Asperger's, and I also have an IC who follows my progress.
I realize that going to this program is a great leap of faith. But think about it for a second. Every time you ML with your spouse (unless you use "protection" every time) you are acting in trust - after all, you have no guarantee that he/she has not been sleeping around on you, and doesn't stand to infect you with HIV or whatever else. If you have no evidence to the contrary, you trust that your M has been exclusive, so you willingly take the risk.
W has given me no reason to believe that she is trying to "get rid of" me, and she knows that she would not have to scheme to do so. She has given me no evidence that she is ready to become dishonest in order to eject me from our family. She shows no sign of losing regard for the welfare of our children, or loss of the knowledge that hitting each other below the belt would do them damage. Even when our children have asked why I am now sleeping separately, she has been careful to couch things in terms that respect both of us.
I guess I am just typing out my mental process, and my reasons for my conclusions - and doing so has helped me become more certain of them. Thank you for your input, everyone.
I am still nervous about going for that intake assessment (it is tomorrow), but I guess I will just have to bite down and do it. I'll let you know how it goes.
Well, I went both to IC yesterday, and the intake assessment for the abuse intervention program. Strangely, things turned out the opposite of what I expected.
While my IC remains supportive and encouraging, she said some things that challenged me, and one thing that stunned me.
When I told her about the abuse intervention program, she tensed up immediately, and, after some discussion, stated that she thought that W was abusive! I was shocked. Now, mind you, she has never actually met W, but was going on what I had told her. She mentioned the amount of emphasis W had placed on me fixing my problems (denying, said IC, her own role in the problem), her failure to notice when I made improvements, and the time W approached me for sex by saying that we were not OK, but she needed to "get laid." I had never really thought of it that way, and my circuits were kind of blown trying to process it. But the one thing I couldn't stop thinking about was the question of how looking at it from this perspective would help me. I mean, would it do any good for me to go home and say to W, "I think you are the abusive one, and you need to clean up your act"? Could that possibly do anything other than intensify the conflict and probably move us a few steps closer to D?
I guess that it is important to treat myself fairly, at least in my own mind, in how I perceive the situation. But it was a real mind blower to have it presented to me in that way.
Then she said something that left me confused and, later, on thinking about it, upset. She suggested that maybe I should think about "starting over" and looking for someone else who would "appreciate you for who you are." She was suggesting D as a solution - no mistaking that, as when I told her about my beliefs (Catholic) and that remarriage wasn't even an option, she countered by reminding me of how many Catholics are divorced today, and that the rules were made up when people didn't have as long life spans.
She backed off when I made it clear that my faith was something I embraced of my own personal choice, but I still feel conflicted. She has been a good therapist for me so far, but I wonder how much she will help me to pursue the M when she feels (apparently) that it is bad for me.
We finished the session talking about things I could bring into MC (tonight) in terms of helping to negotiate a peaceful life together as sort of roommates (this would be a step up from where we are now) so that we can live in peace together, hoping that something better will come of it.
Then I went to the intake assessment for the abuse intervention program. I was nervous going in. The thing is housed in a bad neighborhood (aren't these programs always?). But once I got into the nicely appointed office, things started to calm down.
The person doing my assessment was pleasant, calm and nonjudgmental - not what I expected from someone who works regularly with people sent by their proby officers. She seemed quite respectful - asked if I beat or slapped my wife (not how often), and listened patiently while I described the behaviors of concern. She seemed to be able to understand the behaviors framed as "abuse," (as W, from her point of view, is suffering abuse) without labeling me an "abuser," or "batterer." That was huge!
She then explained that this program is psychoeducational, focusing on learning how to address the "irrational beliefs and intolerable feelings" that usually underlie abuse. There are a lot of rules, and it seems as though it is going to be pretty intense. But I'm not afraid of that. In a way, it will probably be better, because I have difficulty seeing change if I am not changing constantly.
Of course, the important part is changing for myself, and I have to keep that in mind. I am starting to see some hope - faint hope, but hope nonetheless - and when I start hoping for our M, it is easy for me to lose my focus as a person separate from the M. That blurred boundary is probably part of what has placed our M at the edge of a cliff to begin with.
Praying hard. Will keep you posted.
Psych
Let me say again tread carefully. I know you trust your W and all that, but one thing you have NO control over is the court system. If it gets that far.
I'm a L and if I had a client who's husband voluntarily went to an Abuse Intervention, you bet I'm exploring that. Why? 2 reasons - for tactical reasons and for safety concerns. (I don't do family law thankfully)
Also, if there would ever be a GAL (Guardian Ad Litem)for the kids involved - they certain have a huge input. So it might not even be up to your wife to have ANY say. I did some GAL training and they try to leave no stone unturned and often their recommendations can go against what the parents want or are willing to deal with.
Also, if a 3rd party who not you or your W makes a complaint (outside of a court) then the would have to investigate.
the positive that could come out if it is that you get screened and told this program isn't for you.
Harrier, I appreciate your expertise, especially as a L.
Unfortunately, I really don't feel I have any acceptable choices.
Yes, it has sunk in that this program comes with legal risks. But those legal risks would apply to anyone who goes into the program - would you recommend that no one participate in this type of program? There are some people for whom it could be beneficial - perhaps me.
Without my going, my kids stand to lose me anyway - that is, in my not living with them anymore. Going, there is a chance to save my family.
At any rate, I have already had the initial admission assessment...any damage that stands to be done is probably already done. I am registered in the program. In a way, I've already taken my chances, and am just waiting to see the outcome.
If there is any advice you can give me now, to protect myself without sacrificing whatever benefit I might get from this program, I would welcome it.
Thnaks for your concern and your input.
Well, W and I went to MC, and there was some hopeful stuff there. Right now we are living "separately" (sleeping apart, talking minimally), but this is having the effect of making things more peaceful
W brought up that when we were discussing buying laundry detergent (of all things), she had felt defensive, as though she were under attack. It occurred to her, she said, that at this point in our M, we didn't know how to talk to each other about anything without feeling in conflict. That is a positive insight - she is realizing that one of the problems is our inability to communicate and that says that she actually WANTS to communicate. It also involves a problem which she feels is hers as much as mine.
I am hoping that by giving each other space (even if the space is a bit extreme right now) we will break the cycle of conflict - reapproach with hurt feelings - conflict, etc. and we can g-r-a-d-u-a-l-l-y reapproach each other (over months or even years) in a more healthy way. Maybe I will be able to get in without losing myself.
But, I guess I am getting ahead of myself. One thing at a time. First, stabilize having a peaceful life co-existing with W in the same house, perhaps even cooperatively. Then later on, perhaps we can be friends. Build trust over a period of time. But I am still on the first step, and need to focus on that one before even thinking about anything else.
And in the meantime, take care of myself, my own emotional and mental health needs. It's funny, only now am I realizing the extent to which I expected W to take care of those. Perhaps doing this alone - being responsible for my own needs and feelings - might have had a profound impact on our M.
Well, we live and we learn. No point in saying I should have learned this all earlier...I didn't, and that's the fact of the matter.
Hope everybody's doing well. Take care.