We have been married for 11 years but together for almost 19. This is his second marriage, my first. Throughout the years, we've had much love. There have hardly been any fights but we've had some lack of communication here and there. Overall, I would say our marriage has been pretty good.
The last couple of years I've been unemployed. I was getting unemloyment income for most of that time but it has since run out. In that time I have been diligently looking for a job but keep getting shot down or not replied to at all. I've had a couple of temp jobs here and there but nothing permanent. And with the depression and frustration of not having a job, I have not been in any kind of intimate mood. I know that this has been hard on us but it's hard for me to feel good about myself, let alone be intimate.
So a couple of months ago my husband finally confronts me about how he feels...that we haven't had sex and that I haven't gotten a job. So, wanting to keep my marriage on track, I give in to the sex part, even though I was not feeling very intimate. It lasted for about 2 weeks but then we got back into the sexless routine. I continue looking for work but am still unemployed. We are surviving off of his income and I know it's been hard but never knew that it would come to this.
The other day he confronts me again, we get into a huge argument and he says he wants to separate. So, I stayed at my mothers for a couple of days. I come back home, hoping we can discuss the problem only to find out he wants a divorce. I was floored. He tells me his mind is made up. He loves me but isn't IN love with me. He's tired of not being happy and wants out. I never knew or even imagined he was feeling this bad about our marriage. To me, he is my best friend, my heart, my soul. The person I can't live without. And yet he wants to live without me. I just don't get it. Can you please try to help me understand. I suggested counseling but he's done. This is killing me.
I was on another forum and had The Divorce Remedy suggested to me. I read the whole thing in one day and have tried to apply what I've learned. I'm just so concerned that this is a last resort effort and feel like I don't have any time to get this resolved. I want our marriage to work. I love him with all of my heart. I'm hoping he will want it to work too...eventually. Because lord knows he doesn't want to now. :-(
I know how you feel. My husband of 17 years did the same. Just know you have come to the right place. People here will help you in this horrible time. Have you read the DR book? Post short and often. Hang in there. You will have friends here.
Welcome to the board. I'm on my iPhone and can't post the 37 rules someone will soon. Don't persue beg cry or Plea to change his mind. Don't say ILY. Get a life and do 180s. Post often there are many bright people in here that will help you. Don't lose hope
Yes, I've read DR. I know the rules and what to do/not to do. It's still really hard and takes its toll. He wants me to think about living arrangements. So far we've just been avoiding each other and I've been giving him his space. He still says he wants a divorce. This is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and it's just so unimaginable to think he won't even try to work on anything. I know it's something that can be worked out. But, I'm not bringing it up, I'm not pursueing, I'm not reacting...I'm just here in limbo basically.
Well, another weekend has come and gone. We've managed to avoid each other most of the time..well, I've managed to give him his space. Saturday I went out with a couple of friends for most of the day. We came back earlier then I expected so when we parted ways, I ended up parked in my vehicle and ended up taking a nap since the lack of sleep on the couch caught up to me. Saturday night came and he didn't come home until after I went to sleep.
Sunday morning rolls around and we do our own things. He leaves the apt. at 1pm and I go do some photography at a local museum...the day was too nice to stay indoors and wait. I get back and make myself dinner. He comes back later and makes his own dinner. I offer to make dessert and he agrees to have it made. I continue doing my own thing by watching a couple of shows on TV. He just went to bed.
Nothing was said all weekend about separate living arrangements. I'm wondering if he realizes that it will be a big PITA for either of us to leave. It's hard to tell what he's thinking. Of course, we don't have much eye contact..we just try to do our own things and avoid getting in each others way. It [censored] but at least I'm still here and hopefully he is seeing some kind of action that I'm taking. If anything, it keeps me busy.
So, I've been discussing my situation in another divorce forum and alot of posters think I should try to discuss my feelings with my husband. There was one poster who had the exact situation I am in and with her giving her husband some space, he, in turn, felt like she was giving up on the marriage and went ahead with the divorce.
They say I should protect myself and talk to a lawyer. That's probably good advice..I will probably need to do that as he has already sought a consultation.
And they also say that if he really wants this, then no amount of me changing will do anything. And I guess I could see that too, but I believe in my heart that this can be fixed.
Should I really just let it get to the point where it's so bad that I just go on living my life?? At this point in time, I don't want to live a life without him and that's what's making all of this so very hard.
UN regarding that H who left because she was giving space is BS. Don't start any R talk or persue. I know how hard is to live with the rejection and how uncomfortable it is. But it is doable and it gives him a chance to see your changes. So what about you that needs a makeover?
Well, it's done. He brought up the discussion. He doesn't want to be with me anymore. His mind is made up. Yes, I tried talking to him about it. He says he doesn't want to be married to me anymore. I just think all of this put me in denial of the fact that he just doesn't love me anymore. And now, I get to move on with my life without him. Yay for me.
UN u are very new at DBing. People would say that about me and I've been here a little longer. You did not answer my question. Forget about H for bit. He will do and say things today that may change tomorrow. So let me ask you again. What were his complaints about u and the M?
Well, it's done. He brought up the discussion. He doesn't want to be with me anymore. His mind is made up. Yes, I tried talking to him about it. He says he doesn't want to be married to me anymore. I just think all of this put me in denial of the fact that he just doesn't love me anymore. And now, I get to move on with my life without him. Yay for me.
so sorry to hear that, UN. I'm kind of in the same boat as you currently. I don't have much in the way of advice since I'm pretty new to this DB stuff, but just wanted to let you know that you're in my thoughts.
((( UN )))
Don't lose hope. I think everyone of us has had that same speech told to us. You wouldn't believe how similar everyone's story is. Your sitch can change. Journal here often.
We've all heard the confident comments from the WAS, and I KNOW how much that hurts. Mine said those exact words and added: "if you were hotter, I could probably deal with the anger, but there's just nothing attractive about you anymore"..... 3 months later he's checking me out when I walk away and hangs out with me by choice. He still seems like he's wanting to move forward with the D, but we don't talk about it everyday.
The one thing that that I've learned through all this is that "things never stay the same", positively or negatively.
There's a member hopefull123 whose H said the same things 8 months ago, now they are piecing... Anything is possible.
You have just started your journey, don't assume that anything is permanent (I mean, didn't we learn that lesson about our M's??)
Read around these boards, there are tons of us who have heard the same words, and we've managed to keep going. Read my early threads (back in December) and you'll see that I was just where you are: hopeless. Right now, you have to let yourself move through the stages of grief. Let yourself cry and get angry, but over time, you'll notice that you recover quicker and quicker. It took me about 2 weeks to stop crying everyday, and about 2 months before I really started DBing.
Its only over when you say it is!
Dear Un,
it's not hopeless. But understand this:
To reconcile, your h must believe that marriage to you can be better/different than before.You will have to demonstrate this...
Seems to me your h has been pretty clear about how his needs were not being met for some time.
He felt burdened financially b/c you were not working, over quite some time, and that was very stressful on him. Then, while I suspect one of his love languages is physical touch, you withdrew that from him even though he told you he needed it badly. Why did you stop after 2 weeks?
Maintaining Your self esteem is your job, not his. Feeling bad about yourself b/c you are not contributing to the family income or any other reason, and then withdrawing sex too--
I have to ask what you were expecting him to do? I mean, were you sabatoging the marriage on some level?
Having a low self esteem isn't an excuse to let him down in your intimate life or to mistreat him. YES I understand it, but I think it was a huge mistake and I very much hope you have already started to change that.
We have been married for 11 years but together for almost 19. This is his second marriage, my first. Throughout the years, we've had much love. There have hardly been any fights but we've had some lack of communication here and there. Overall, I would say our marriage has been pretty good.
The last couple of years I've been unemployed. I was getting unemloyment income for most of that time but it has since run out. In that time I have been diligently looking for a job but keep getting shot down or not replied to at all. I've had a couple of temp jobs here and there but nothing permanent.
what type of work do you do? Is your h's income enough? Do you have kids? Does he want them?
And with the depression and frustration of not having a job, I have not been in any kind of intimate mood. I know that this has been hard on us but it's hard for me to feel good about myself, let alone be intimate.
can you see how HE feels? Unsupported financially AND intimately...
So a couple of months ago my husband finally confronts me about how he feels...that we haven't had sex and that I haven't gotten a job. So, wanting to keep my marriage on track, I give in to the sex part, even though I was not feeling very intimate. It lasted for about 2 weeks but then we got back into the sexless routine.
why did you stop the sex? And in a way, you are not bringing a lot to the table if you are not bringing in money to help with finances OR taking care of him at home. Can you see this?
I continue looking for work but am still unemployed. We are surviving off of his income and I know it's been hard but never knew that it would come to this.
So You need to get work and you need to show your h some affection. I don't know your field but my guess is that after 2 or 3 years of being unemployed, your h doesn't respect the effort.
Have you thought about moving to where the jobs are, like Texas? Just a thought. I don't see unemployment going on much more b/c it's unaffordable at this time. The depression has hit all of us.
The other day he confronts me again, we get into a huge argument and he says he wants to separate. So, I stayed at my mothers for a couple of days. I come back home, hoping we can discuss the problem only to find out he wants a divorce. I was floored. He tells me his mind is made up. He loves me but isn't IN love with me. He's tired of not being happy and wants out. I never knew or even imagined he was feeling this bad about our marriage. To me, he is my best friend, my heart, my soul. The person I can't live without.
But Un, do you see how HE could feel unloved? Unsupported? You need to be able to see his point of view or you won't change and you are all you control.
And yet he wants to live without me. I just don't get it. Can you please try to help me understand. I suggested counseling but he's done. This is killing me.
I was on another forum
if you stay on one thread it's a lot easier to follow your thread and get better advice, fyi.
and had The Divorce Remedy suggested to me. I read the whole thing in one day and have tried to apply what I've learned. I'm just so concerned that this is a last resort effort and feel like I don't have any time to get this resolved. I want our marriage to work. I love him with all of my heart. I'm hoping he will want it to work too...eventually. Because lord knows he doesn't want to now. :-(
What are your 180s? Remember, You have to counter his negative images of you with positive ones. If he thinks you are lazy and morose, be busy and upbeat.
Greatly expand your job search and parameters...including a possible move.
and when you see him you can flirt or touch him without overt pursuit. A touch on the hand or arm or pat on the back in thanks for things he does, etc, all will help.
Consistent changes + sufficient time = change he can believe in.
Show him that your marriage can be better b/c you are changing, but don't point out the changes or they'll look like tactics just to get him back. We want him to believe the changes are real
and they need to be.
When my dad was dying, my sex drive dropped. But I stillwanted the intimacy of making love even more then--the comfort of it-- so it did not decrease much in my marriage.(Not to mention that I know my h has needs only his wife can fulfill...)
You need to see that sex is not all about you being in the mood. It can be unifying, comforting, celebratory, or forgiving, and more...learn to see the value of sex even when you are not feeling like it.
It's not all about you feeling attractive either, your h was attracted to you. That has to be enough sometimes.
Be less predictable and more mysterious.
UN u are very new at DBing. People would say that about me and I've been here a little longer. You did not answer my question. Forget about H for bit. He will do and say things today that may change tomorrow. So let me ask you again. What were his complaints about u and the M?
The fact that I don't have a job...he said I have my business but haven't really done anything with it. He says I'm selfish..that other people are more important to me than he is. And then there's the lack of intimacy. He said I tried for 2 weeks and then there was nothing..back to the same routine.
It takes two to tango. I wasn't giving him anything because he wasn't giving me anything. I know I had a part to play in it but he does too.
And of course he also said that even if he WERE to change his mind, that he would think I would hold this over his head and try to make him feel guilty. So basically, he is done with me and I can't do anything about it but protect myself and sadly deal with it.
Yes, I can see his side of things. But why should it be entirely up to me to be open to his feelings. He hasn't been open to mine. Yes he needed to feel loved. So did I.
I have been trying to stay strong and upbeat and change my actions yet all it;s done is put off the inevitable.
Un- you have been visited by the DB angel: 25yearmlc.
I HIGHLY recommend taking her advice and suggestions to heart.... We all turn to HER when we don't know what to do.
You can't change him, you can only change you. If you want to. it's completely your call.
Yes, I can see his side of things. But why should it be entirely up to me to be open to his feelings.
Why? Because YOU are here fighting for your marriage and HE IS NOT.
Someone has to take the first step, and since he wants Out of the marriage it must be you...or
you can remain in your stand off, and watch the marriage end b/c after all, why should YOU take the first step? Beware of false pride, ego and don't confuse it with self respect.
He hasn't been open to mine. Yes he needed to feel loved. So did I.
More of the same [i]score keeping[/i]. You have to let go of this or you're going to be bitter and STUCK...
Scorecards always...always HURT marriages. BTW, he has his own scorecard and on HIS card, you are not ahead.
He probably feels he has been very burdened financially, working his butt off and you aren't even warm to him when he comes home...hey, that MIGHT be HIS point of view and you don't seem to want to even go there. But without empathy for him, you are doomed.
IMO and it is a personal opinion, withholding sex in a marriage is a huge mistake people (mainly women) make, that hurts their spouse and marriage far more than they realize.
Wotholding sex appears punitive as heck. It looks like one spouse is trying to "teach the other a lesson" which is NOT a spouse's job. And sadly, tragically, it prevents the couple from bonding or connecting or reconciling, so they both lose out.
Instead of sex being a "favor" one does for the spouse, see it as an act of love that is mutual. I wrote a lot about this in my post to you before, but you ignored that.
What do you think that means?
I have been trying to stay strong and upbeat and change my actions yet all it;s done is put off the inevitable.
Delaying his leaving is the best you can hope for at this point so good for you!
What 180s are you doing? Understand what I told you before; it takes TIME for the spouse to believe the changes are real AND Lasting.
Changes you need to make are vital to make but they are also NOT FOR HIM...he can be in the Australian outback for all we care, when it comes to your personal work.
For instance, let's say you have a bad temper. Learning to control it and stay calmer, is a good thing
not FOR HIM, FOR YOU...it'll improve all the relationships in your life, not just the marriage.
So try to see that whatever issues or traits or flaws you want to work on in you, are empowering to you.
B/C if you were a perfect wife, or if you cannot/will not change yourself
then the marriage will fade out and you are in effect powerless.
But that is not the case.
So dig deep and work ONLY ON YOU b/c you are all you can work on.
His changes may come in time, OR your m will end...but no matter what,
you'll have become a woman only a fool would leave.
[bA]nd of course he also said that even if he WERE to change his mind, that he would think I would hold this over his head and try to make him feel guilty[/b].
wow, what a great insight he shared with you! (BTW why did you start with "of course"....why "of course"?)
So you had the opportunity to show him you are capable of forgiveness!
This is key b/c he won't come home if he believes you'll throw this in his face in every fight or hold it over his head forever....
What did you SAY to that comment of his?
And If you are truly not capable of forgiveness or don't want to try, then let him go now and suffer no more.
Forgiveness is mandatory, And not easy to do.
It's a learned skill & a process you will both have to learn and do.
How was forgiveness modelled in your childhood?
How did your parents resolve conflict and show forgiveness?
How did they discipline you when you made a bad choice?
So basically, he is done with me and I can't do anything about it but protect myself and sadly deal with it.
that is not true and it's a cop out (b/c now you can say "well, I 'tried' but there was nothing I could do so why bother trying?").
If you really believe that, then why post here?
Dig DEEPER UN...asap.
There is alot to comment about but I don't have time to comment on everything so I'll just say what little I can right now.
First off, I wasn't "holding out" on sex. I wasn't doing it to punish him. I just didn't feel loved to give him what he desired. I desired closeness...emotional connection...I even told him how I was feeling but he discounted my feelings and said that I shouldn't feel like that and ignored what I was trying to convey. I don't think that was being very fair or open minded to my needs. Yes, I did try and we had a few intimate times together, but it really only felt like I was just giving him sex and I wasn't getting the affection. Am I supposed to just keep giving in and not have the emotional connection that I desire?
And when he said that I would just throw it in his face IF he were to change his mind, my answer to him was that I wouldn't do that. There was a time long before we got married that he wasn't sure about being with me because of his previous divorce. I was asked to give him space and stay at a friend's house. I did. After a few days he asked me to return and we made up, but I NEVER held that over him or made him feel guilty about it. We just moved on. I reminded him of that time when we were talking and I reiterated the fact that I have never brought it up. And I would never do that. I told him I could understand how he was feeling. But again, he doesn't want to talk about the problems and he is just waiting for me to change. Yes, he brought it up a couple of months ago and yes, I tried to change for him..for us..but I wasn't getting any change from him. It felt all very one sided and that's when it slipped back into the way it was.
I have other comments to reply to but I need to get myself together before he comes home. I did retain a lawyer today to protect myself. I understand that it takes 6-7 months before the D actually would go thru so hopefully we can try to reconcile or move on, but either way, I've heard what you said and I've taken action in regards to it.
Will the marriage ever get back together..I don't know. I hope so. But right now, I am protecting myself and trying to stay strong. I will address the other comments when I can.
So, I retained the lawyer today, to protect myself. It was painful as hell but I can't afford to "bury my head in the sand". This is killing me and who knows...maybe down the road it willget better. But right now, since he won't talk to me at all, I HAVE to do this the legal way.
He has taken off the ring and won't discuss anything with me so I need to move forward since that is what he is doing. I still don't plan on giving up. If anything I need to work on me and maybe, one day, he will see what he is missing out on.
I told him about retaining the lawyer and he got really pissed and started calling me stupid [censored] and [censored] and lashing out that all I'm doing is creating more debt when he can just file the paperwork thru a paralegal and we can have everything split down the middle. What he doesn't know is my mother paid for it.
In any case, he wanted me to fire the lawyer and deal with his people but since he won't discuss anything with me, I have to do what's right for me..and doing it thru a lawyer, I believe, is the right way. It still kills me inside though.
I will deeply think about having a Plan A and B. Ultimately, I do want us to be together and by changing the way I am, I am trying to be a better person. Hopefully things will get better. If for anything else, for my sanity and emotional well being.
UN you are not listening. Tell him nothing u did not have to. It is good that u retained a L but it is not good that u told him. If u want to save the M u better pay attention to what people are posting to u. Go back to older post and read them over and over. Right now u are ur worst enemy. Calm down. Please know that we are behind u even if u don't like what we have to say ok.
I agree with everyone else.
"I know I had a part to play in it but he does too."
It takes one person to change the dynamic. You can't expect him to love you in the way you want to any more than he can expect you to do the same for him. Right now he sees you as selfish and you see him as selfish. There's a lesson there.
You are getting THE BEST advice... take it!! Take it!!
And you're so lucky because you're getting it early on in your situation. Just remember, if you're feeling like you need to say something to H, I would post it here first and ask for advice of whether or not to do it. Or how to say it. I have learned this the hard way.
It's amazing because reading your situation and the advice given here has given me such a great perspective. My H is openly having a PA and has fallen in love with OW. He is now moving right along to D. Funny thing is... that I'm realizing now is I have not been able to consistently show him my changes. This is HUGE!! From now on, no more. I am going to rise above. And that's what you need to do. Do not take this as you are right and he is wrong. Take it as you just want to be better for YOU.
The best advice you will hear is... Believe nothing of what you hear and only half of what you see. It is so true. Do you know how many times my H changed his mind? One day he was saying, I want a D and I'm sure of it. The next he was saying, all I want is my family back and I miss you. Even though your H says these things, he most definitely can be torn inside as to whether or not this is what he really wants.
He may seem absolutely sure but I'm telling you, it can change. So go with that. Knowing that it can change and that you're going to focus on you and what will make you feel better about yourself. If that means getting a job, then continue to pursue that.
You can do this!! Keep posting.