Left Behind Wife - DivorceBusting.com

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Hi everyone! This is a wonderful website and you are all so supportive of each other. I've just ordered Michele's DB book, anything that can help me at this time is worth reading........ Last Sept. I came home from work to an empty house and a note from my husband that he was sorry but we would be better off without him and that he was sorry for the pain and hurt he caused. I don't know where he went, and I am still not sure where he is 6 months later. I cannot begin to explain the distress, the pain and the anguish I experienced these months, and also the betrayal as he was having an affair. I did not hear from him at all for 3 months, and then to wish me a happy birthday as though nothing had happened! Through this time I had been writing to him assuring him of my love and devotion and how we could work through anything..... He ignored every email, and the cartwheels and dancing I did in them returned negative comment when he did decide to answer me. I still don't know why he left, and he has not given a reason for just tossing our marriage.
Recent communications from him have been very open, in relation to his feelings of rejection and worthlessness which he blames on my daughter. It is true that sometimes he felt unimportant and second best to her. (she is 20 and hardly ever at home). She is not his child and we were thrilled that she would have a father figure in her life. His early behaviours when we moved in together were difficult and he often stonewalled me for reasons I still don't know. He said last week that he was never coming home to me and there is no hope for us. He refuses to come to MC with me. I see a counsellor every week and I've really been concentrating on getting myself strong mentally and physically, my life is very full and I am very successful at my work and have lots of great things happening on a daily basis.
I am a RC and really believe every word of the vows I took and I am struggling dreadfully with that. This whole mess seems so stupid and childish to me, and he doesn't seem to be thinking of the consequences of what he has done and those of our futures. Marriages are not throw away relationships, and I don't know what to do. I don't see my husband at all, there is no contact except by email, and his family have sided with him (as they do) so I have no contact with them either. I really want my marriage with my husband, I love him to the core of me and I miss him so much.
Any of your experiences, thoughts, hopes , please share!
Thank you so much for any help, or guidance or ideas

Maryd

Hi Mary welcome to board. Great that u ordered the book. I am on my iPhone so I can't post the 37 rules but someone will sOon. It is important that u take care of yourself 1st. Tells your ages, how long married, how are u supporting yourself? And what were his complaints about u and the R. Post often until u are out of moderation. Take deep breaths exercise look good at all times

Also check out the website No More Mr. Nice Guy

Did anything lead up to this note?? Have you been GALing and taking care of yourself since he left. Keep posting

Thanks Rick and BklynMom. Taking super care of me, everyone tells me I look better without him around, lost about 50lbs and took up sport and lots of other activities, I am out 5 nights a week and my work life is doing really good.
Things had been strained between us due to his issues with my daughter and various incidents which had taken place. I think I had an emotional breakdown last summer, I felt totally apathetic towards my husband and numb and was really hurt about things he did and the emotional abuse I suffered with him. I relived those incidents of stonewalling which could go on for weeks. I never knew what they were about and he never explained, except to complain about my daughter. It was impossible to reach any compromise, or reason with him. And I tolerated it. Until one day I couldn't any more and I moved into the spare room. To think. He seems to have used this as a reason to run away. I was in a bad place at that time, and I told him that. I needed him to stand strong for me, but he wasn't able obviously.
About a year after we were married he suddenly, out of the blue, told me that our marriage was over and I could keep the house! They were really difficult times too, but I talked with him every day and reassured him how much I loved him and he came round. This is a similar scenario, but he did the extreme act of moving out....
M 45
H 35
D20
Together 9
Married 6
Separated sept.2011

Glad you found this site, Mary. There are tons of people willing and ready to help dish out advice and support! (you already got 2 of our 'wise DBers' posting- rick and bklyn.)

Here are the rules that Rick talked about:

The following list is credited to Sandi2- another wise elder on these boards, who successfully reconciled her M with DB efforts. Most of us have copied this list and refer to it OFTEN... especially when we are at our lowest. Find a seat and make sure your safety bar is tight a secure, this roller coaster gets pretty rough and is going to last a while

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say � get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don� t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren�t speaking, but don�t be overly talkative.

16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.

21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).

27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.

30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.

33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

Thanks everyone for the replies, I'm not sure I understand this mod. Thing- I've posted replies that haven't appeared yet?
I am so frustrated at husband's refusal to engage with me on any level. He has to be the most stubborn man ever known! But I don't want to be put off by his behaviour when our marriage problems seem so small compared, I have learned that he is not a strong person, but someone who struggles with low self esteem and this has played into events. Especially where my daughter is concerned. She is like a whirlwind when she comes home and even I feel uncomfortable around her. She is highly opinionated and difficult, and we found this very challenging when we moved in together. I have spoken with her, and even yesterday asked her to consider not coming home if her behaviour continues like that.
My husband couldn't tolerate her, and even though she was away he evidently still carried memories of her behaviour and my reactions, or lack of, with him still.
I know that things would never be the same if he came home. Whilst in some messages he said that if he came home, things would be the same in a few months, in other messages it's I'm never coming home.
I am devastated.......

H35
M45
D20
Married 2006
Abandoned sept2011

It's hard to keep our posts noticed as the forum is so busy. I'm having a really rotten day today - I've constant anxiety since my husband left, it sits in my throat.
Is there any way that I can help my husband to understand that things would never be the same as before - I have written to him about this, but I am thinking that so much damage has been done that he doesn't know how to come back from that.
I know that I've made the mistake of pursuing - but for three months I did't see or hear from him at all.
He refuses to go to MC with me - we've never been and I think that we would benefit a lot from it. I am still going to counselling and I can recognise the smokescreens he put up, the control and power games and the attachment issues he has. He is very jealous and possessive also -
Where to from here?
Thanks for sharing......

Originally Posted By: MaryD

Is there any way that I can help my husband to understand that things would never be the same as before -
Only through your actions. It's his to decide if he wants to understand. You deciding what he needs to understand is controlling

I have written to him about this, but I am thinking that so much damage has been done that he doesn't know how to come back from that.
You may be right. Again his decision.

I know that I've made the mistake of pursuing - but for three months I did't see or hear from him at all.
He refuses to go to MC with me - we've never been and I think that we would benefit a lot from it. I am still going to counselling and I can recognise the smokescreens he put up, the control and power games and the attachment issues he has. He is very jealous and possessive also -
Where to from here?

Again, you want to tell him what he needs to do. You have no control over him. You can only control and change yourself. It's a long tough slog through uncharted territory. He may or may not come back.

Are you up for the journey if you don't know the outcome?
Thanks for sharing......

I am absolutely up for the journey labug - there is too much at stake.
I am going to stick to the 37 rules from today - my husband knows where I stand and how I feel about him. It looks like he is not coming back and he is forcing himself to have no contact with me at the moment. I am learning much about myself and about him since he left, and it's interesting to me that he shares more in his emails about his feelings than he did when we were together.
But then he shuts down again, and closes me out - sometimes he says mean things out of the blue and I find that really difficult to deal with. He knows by saying nasty things that I become quiet. I refuse to play that game with him and I have continued to be the 'nicer' person regardless of the language he uses....
Is it progress when he is opening up? Is he regressing when he thinks that he says too much - oh the confusion! This is incredibly frustrating.

Quote:

This is incredibly frustrating.

Yes it is and it's going to be more frustrating.

But it will less so when you let go of expectations of how he should be or act.

Work on you.

Thanks labug! More good tips and I appreciate them as I have all the time in the world, and great patience! And I'm enjoying my adventure of exploration.
Just thinking what are peoples' plans for the weekend getting through it and focusing on self?

Mary

"But it will less so when you let go of expectations of how he should be or act."

This is of paramount importance. None of the other parts of this program will work until you can do this. You won't be perfect at it - nobody is.:)

BTW- welcome!

Originally Posted By: labug

Quote:

This is incredibly frustrating.

Yes it is and it's going to be more frustrating.

But it will less so when you let go of expectations of how he should be or act.

Work on you.

So important, and so difficult to do at first. When your world falls apart like this, you want more than anything to hold on, to control, to do whatever you can to bring back your spouse. But that only leads to more frustration and heartbreak. When you TRULY let go of expectations and focus on your own growth and well-being, there is such relief, even if your M is not yet healing. But no one is perfect at it and it takes some time to learn. I am only a beginner, but I can already feel the peace that comes from knowing that you can only control your own actions. I get glimpses of it in between thinking about what my H is thinking or if our M can be salvaged. It's a tough lesson, but one worth learning.

Mimi

_______________________________
M:37; H:37; M: 10 years; T:13 years; no kids.
Bomb: 1/08/12
Separated: 1/18/12

What I struggle with is that I have given my W space and concentrating on myself and being the best dad I can be and she thinks I am doing this for show. I have been following Sandi's 37 rules and not giving in to trigger responses. I really would like to say, "You have cut me out of your life and we are living isolated in the same home." With that being done why wouldn't I try to change things. I wish I did not have such a fixer mentality.

It is so hard to give the other space when you want to grab them and hold them and tell them that everything is going to be okay. I have a fixer mentality too Sad in MI. It's really important what Mimivac and others are saying about how hard it is to let go of expectations and to focus on your own growth instead. Especially when you really miss your spouse, as I do mine. The sad thing for me is that I don't see my husband at all and he is not communicating at the moment in any capacity. The grief I feel is frightening at times. And I guess, now that he is left, I understand things better as he has made things clearer.
I've had to make a conscious decision to make myself feel in control of my own situation,reactions and behaviour, which also means doing absolutely nothing about the legalities of this sudden separation. I have time, and patience, and through this mess somehow I am feeling mentally stronger.
I'm still waiting for Michele's book to arrive, and I'm dying to read her recommendations. Dr. Phil has a good book I've been reading over the weekend - Relationship Rescue, some nice tips in there around the language to use in particular situations....
Now, if only my husband wasn't stonewalling me, I could get some practice in..........

Quote:

and it's interesting to me that he shares more in his emails about his feelings than he did when we were together.
But then he shuts down again, and closes me out - sometimes he says mean things out of the blue and I find that really difficult to deal with. He knows by saying nasty things that I become quiet

Talk more about this. How did you respond to those emails?

Quote:

Now, if only my husband wasn't stonewalling me, I could get some practice in..........

This is the gift of time.

This early in the sitch you probably aren't ready to "practice." Initially our responses are usually filled with pursuing, guilt, whining, promises to change-all stuff they don't want to hear.

Use the time to work on you.

Originally Posted By: labug

Quote:

Talk more about this. How did you respond to those emails?

Thanks Labug - his emails that he sent apologising I gratefully accepted and thanked him for - acknowledging his behaviour and the affair. I explained the terrible hurt and betrayal I felt which he said made him feel guilty and to blame. He has written about his feelings of rejection and low self worth in our marriage, which I responded to kindly by explaining how I didn't understand he felt like that, and how I never intentionally set out to make him feel rejected, and how sad and sorry I was about that. I mentioned that if he had shared that with me we could have done something about it.
The last email I got was about how it's over and he's never coming home - I didn't respond to, because I didn't know what to say as I was so upset and shocked.

Quote:

Now, if only my husband wasn't stonewalling me, I could get some practice in..........

This is the gift of time.

The gift of time I fear that is creating an even deeper wedge between us.

This early in the sitch you probably aren't ready to "practice." Initially our responses are usually filled with pursuing, guilt, whining, promises to change-all stuff they don't want to hear.

Use the time to work on you.

I am totally working on me - but I would also love to work on my marriage. Is there any point when it's a one sided effort?
Thanks friends

You are going to find that it is indeed one-sided for some time. Your H is in blame mode right now. All you can do is work on you, detach, and leran to love you. Like I said a couple of days ago, this takes time, some more than others. Right now you need to stop expecting ANYTHING from the H. Things will be OK one way or the other

Quote:

Thanks Labug - his emails that he sent apologising I gratefully accepted and thanked him for - acknowledging his behaviour and the affair.

This

I explained the terrible hurt and betrayal I felt

creates this

which he said made him feel guilty and to blame.

When he says something simply validate:I understand that you feel that way -or- I'm sorry you feel that way

He has written about his feelings of rejection and low self worth in our marriage, which I responded to kindly by explaining how I didn't understand he felt like that, and how I never intentionally set out to make him feel rejected, and how sad and sorry I was about that.

Again, validate: I understand how you feel.

I mentioned that if he had shared that with me we could have done something about it.

He most likely saw that as blaming.

The last email I got was about how it's over and he's never coming home - I didn't respond to, because I didn't know what to say as I was so upset and shocked.

I hit the wrong button.

The less you say at this point the better. You have to accept that in his mind he is gone and give him time to get beyond the anger. Wait for him to contact you. You might want to post your reply here before you send it to him. I always wrote replies thinking they were fine when in fact they were full of control and guilting.

At this point respecting his path is the best thing you can do. Re-read The Last Resort Technique in DR.

This is the hard part (yeah, like the rest is easy) detach from him and have no expectations of him.

There is nothing you can do to force him back, that decision is his and his alone. He has to see you as a person different from the one he left.

This is hard stuff but it sounds like you have done a great job of GALing.

MaryD just another thought. The fact that you recognize his feelings does not mean you agree with his interpretation of things.

Does that make sense?

Thanks Labug and grmpy mnky...... it's so hard like you say, and to me it seems so unfair and unreasonable and seems so stupid and reactive and childish and immature on his part.... sometimes I feel so angry at him for doing this and for not talking to me.
I really feel that I have to somehow try to lead my own life - which I'm doing pretty well alone, as I did when we were together anyway.
I'm only hurting myself more in my disappointment at his lack of response or engagement with me. I feel we are 'at war'.... I was running after him and he is running the other way.
I find it incredible that he just packed his stuff and moved out, without hardly looking behind him. And 6 months on this has not changed, and he has not wavered from this stance at all......
Sometimes I wonder how I've gotten through the days and months, the grief of my loss is the worst emotion for me, and today is a rotten day, again.
Hs is evidently carrying lots of anger and he could go on like this for months more I guess.
I haven't contacted him for three weeks, it's so hard. It's so sad....
That's a good idea Labug about coming here to get advice before posting any thing to him in the future if he gets in contact.
Michele's book arrived yesterday - any moment at work I take it out!
thanks friends

Thanks labug - I get it!
I've been doing some of that

It didn't make any difference though (I think)

Originally Posted By: labug

MaryD just another thought. The fact that you recognize his feelings does not mean you agree with his interpretation of things.

Does that make sense?

It's OK to feel angry at him, but think about what's under that anger. Usually it's fear.

If that's true, what do you fear?

Anger and fear, the fact that I swallowed so much when he was at home and I didn't rise to his bad behaviours and insults and inconsiderations and I lost the opportunity to help him grow to a better person because I didn't know how....
= anger!
(I know how now - but no use!)

I lost the opportunity to help him grow to a better person because I didn't know how....

NOT your responsibility. You lie many of us here are a fixer, STOP. Begin to think about what is your's to fix and what is another's to fix.

Google Livestrong Detach if you haven't already.

Thanks Labug - it's a part of me that I have to hide away - fixer - even at work! Autonomy is my new word, practising also.....
I'll look at that link Labug for livestrong....
How do you keep strong?

How are you doing now? I'm in the same sit. My h. dropped bomb early Jan. was gone same day. I'm, 58, he's 63. Were married 17 years. Divorce probably final in 2 weeks. I'm moving out soon. He's being very amicable and so easy for him. Haven't seen any recent posts from you. Hope you are ok.

Hi everyone
I didn't log in for a while so I didn't see updated posts until now. Thanks for thoughts!
I was really minding myself - no contacting husband at all and not feeding his emails. He was looking to see what I was doing about our situation; I replied by saying that I didn't want this situation, that I didn't ask for him to walk out the door, or to have an affair and he could do as he wished to move things forward for himself...
I am not being pushed around by him.
Last night, I was totally stunned when he called to our house. He was furious and angry as I won't do as he wishes and he feels in limbo. He was shouting about things that happened 5/6 years ago, and about things he never mentioned before. I was getting very upset, and crying, and I told him how much I missed him and loved him and how precious he is to me. He said that he wants to move back home, but he doesn't want the marriage and he is still refusing to come to counselling.
I was delighted to see him and we laughed a bit and shared some stories on things that we've been doing apart over the last months, he had so many questions to ask me about.
I felt happier going to bed last night - it's so hard to know how to be hopeful.
Should I tread carefully, gently and keep praying?
Thanks everyone for all your support.