Every time I start to think that I'm alone... I'm quickly reminded that I am not. I am so grateful to all of you who take time to share your thoughts with me 
link to last thread: part 6 (all other parts can be found on that first page... I don't feel like copying all of them.)
Ok, so I changed the name of this thread just for fun. Did you sing the next line in that song when you read it?? I have that song on my 'happy' playlist and I've always wondered: if I took out a personal add, would my H respond to it?? As silly as that song is, there's a deeper message that I get from it... The guy is looking at the personals b/c he's bored with his lady. He finds this perfect woman that he just *has* to meet... turns out it's *his* lady. He says that he never knew all those wonderful things about her that he also loved... and a new R is born. Don't you think that all of us have been guilty at one point or another for assuming we know everything about our spouse? Isn't is possible that we *don't* know everything and by re-discovereing each other, we can fall in love all over again? At least that's what I'm hoping for... and my title will remind me of that
Today:
Thank you all
SOOOOOO much for advising on my latest cr@p. I have given it some thought, and I'll probably do a lot more, but there are some holes in her 'story' that make me believe she was mistaken about who/what she saw:
-I really think my H is smart enough
NOT to make out with any OW in front of the house- that's just really stupid! Besides, do you know many *adults* that would 'make-out' hot and heavy in their driveway for the whole world to see- ok some of us might, but not daily.
-(like bklyn said)
IF they did have something going on 2 years ago, why wouldn't they pick it back up now that they are 'allowed' to??
-supposedly there was a guy who would park down the block and watch my house from a small black car (exBFF's H had this kind of car) BUT- exBFF's H is also crazy enough, that IF he *had* seen them kissing, he wouldn't have stayed in the car... he probably would have run over and made a big scene... not to mention, he would be using this example against OW in their D papers.
(a possible confusion: 2 years ago, the neighbor on the other side of us, had a revolving door of girlfriends... he was getting ready to leave for the Navy and was at home ALL the time. This would also make sense about the 'making out' observation- *teenagers* wouldn't hesitate to do tonsil hockey in the street!)
There's just too many questions and not enough facts for me to confront H. So I'm going to keep my mouth closed. Some of you may disagree, and may think that I'm not standing up for myself- but here's how I've come to explain it to myself:
That Purg hadn't looked into herself enough to know that she can't always point the finger at H, I needed to point the finger at myself sometimes too. This Purg has accepted her faults, and H's faults (including the ones I don't know about.) I want a *new* M with this man that is the father of my children, my best friend and the love of my life.... that means that 'old M' drama can't come along. I view myself as having a clean slate approach- any potential new R or M, will be based on *this* Purg. Just like when we all came into our Ms, our personalities/beliefs/experiences had all shaped the person that our spouse chose to fall in love with and marry... If my H is to fall in love with me again, it will be with a Purg that has been shaped by all the good and bad experiences in life- including our old M.
2TP has this quote at the bottom of his info:
"Forgiveness is setting down the load & never picking it up again!"I truly want a new and better M with my H.... I have to LIVE this ^^^^^ if that is ever going to be possible.
BTW, check out a group called DB Buddies.... it could be kinda cool! (especially if it works now!) Rick, I hope the suspense hasn't killed you
Isn't is possible that we *don't* know everything and by re-discovereing each other, we can fall in love all over again?
A former coworker said something a couple of years ago that I didn't quite understand then, but it makes so much sense now.
She said that every few years her and her H re-discover each other.
They have been together about the same amount of time as my H and I, maybe even a bit longer. Granted they don't have any kids yet, so their marriage hasn't undergone that kind of test yet.
But what she said makes so much sense now. Re-discovering each other every few years is like falling in love all over again. You learn new things about each other, remember why you fell in love with them in the first place, and make sure that you don't get wrapped up too much with other stuff that would make you "forget" all about the SO.
Hope you're having a great weekend, P!
You gotta do what you gotta do do.
I think I've lost a friendship because I wasn't doing what she thought I should do with my marriage. I go too much unsolicited advice.
Your post sounds good. Keep working on you and let H worry about H.
So interesting because it seems like many of us are at the same point..
I've been thinking.. If I met my H today, would I still want to be with him? He has the advantage of being the father of my kids but what else? Hmmmmm... Maybe too much thinking for 730 on a Sunday morning!
What's db friends?
Woke up today, re-read my post and.... I still feel the same.
I get so irritated by H acting as if I'm not even in this house with him and he only talks to me when *he* feels like it.... But there have been little chats and looks that he's given me that let me know *my* H is still in there, and that he might be tossing things around in his head.
I hope someone can check FB and see if that group works. Search: DB Buddies
Purg, I get the same occasional looks but not really sure what they mean.
I did show off my new $3 jeans which my H said looked really good! Hahaha. I know they do!! Especially for $3!!!
I try not to read into his actions too much. Because one minute he seems to look at me like he use to and the next he's walking out that door. But what stays constant for me is that I know I am the mother of these kiddies and that is something he can not ignore.
I tried looking up db friends. So many groups and not sure which one is right one
"I hope someone can check FB and see if that group works. Search: DB Buddies"There are several but none look like they are for "us". I have a fb page for my alter-ego called:
Twothepoint DB . If any of you want to join, click the link and submit a friend request.
Chow!
"There's just too many questions and not enough facts for me to confront H. So I'm going to keep my mouth closed. Some of you may disagree, and may think that I'm not standing up for myself- but here's how I've come to explain it to myself:
That Purg hadn't looked into herself enough to know that she can't always point the finger at H, I needed to point the finger at myself sometimes too. This Purg has accepted her faults, and H's faults (including the ones I don't know about.) I want a *new* M with this man that is the father of my children, my best friend and the love of my life.... that means that 'old M' drama can't come along. I view myself as having a clean slate approach- any potential new R or M, will be based on *this* Purg. Just like when we all came into our Ms, our personalities/beliefs/experiences had all shaped the person that our spouse chose to fall in love with and marry... If my H is to fall in love with me again, it will be with a Purg that has been shaped by all the good and bad experiences in life- including our old M."
I really like this ^^^^ new attitude, Purg!!! Really good, solid growth going on here!
H and I have managed to avoid each other today. It's his weekend with the boys and he leaves the house as often as possible. I've kept myself pretty busy too...nothing exciting, but I'm enjoying getting my tasks accomplished.
I've tried to get
this working...click on the link
Anyone doing anything exciting for the oscars?? I know Barely is having a viewing party with some girlfriends
"Anyone doing anything exciting for the oscars?? I know Barely is having a viewing party with some girlfriends "
....but were any of us invited?
2- do you want to be a 'girlfriend'?? GF parties are really the best kind, you men don't know what you're missing!! (not in a dirty way!)
If we can get friends on the 'buddy' page (which I added you to btw) then we can all watch together and comment along the way... the closet to all being around a TV at once!
Hey, I can get in touch with my feminine side when I need too
ROFLMAO!!!
I can see it now: 2 painting his nails while getting his hair done. Question: Do you prefer cotton of silk nighties??
(I can't stop giggling!!)
"Question: Do you prefer cotton of silk nighties??"
Don't push it Purg!!
I asked to join DB buddies
You're pretty, Pur! Your boys look so sweet.
Just sent my request too Purg! Love the picture! And personally I LOVE your hair!
I sent a request to join even though it violates my Rule #1: Stay Off Facebook
So how but dem Cowboys?
Lol@ bklyn!
-------------------
As of 7pm, H still wasn't home with the boys, I guess he forgets that S6 has school in the morning and the baby wasn't feeling so good this weekend. So, I've left the house to go to the movies so I won't be tempted to do help with the bath/book/bed routine. They will probably not get a bath and sleep in their clothes and then I have to wake them up at 5:30 so we can all be out the door by 7!!
Grrrrrrrr!
Wait! What happened to the Oscars with the girlz?
How do I know which DB Buddies group it is? I would like to join.
My picture is me shooting a gun right now, so if you see me, plz add me
Last night (yes, last night) I went to a concert for my Goddaughter at her HS. I knew that I would see OW there, so I prepared myself for the possible interaction. (ok, so when I actually got there and saw her in line a few people ahead of me, I hid in the bathroom for a few minutes- i chickened out.) BUT I recovered and found my seat in the auditorium. I tried not watch where she was going to sit, but I found her with her other 2 Ds and guess who else.... my H and S6!!! I almost wanted to crawl out of my skin right there in my seat. I didn't look over at them, I didn't get up and walk away. I managed to sit there long enough to hear GD sing, and *then* I left when it was dark. I got to my car and screamed at the top of my lungs and cried the whole way home. I didn't know if H saw me there until he came home later and asked my I left early. It was all i could do not to yell at him and call him all the nasty names I could think of... I honestly said to him: "I didn't expect to see you there and it took me by surprise. I saw GD sing and didn't see a reason to stay till the end." He said, I didn't want it to be awkward for you, I'm sorry. [REALLY?? not awkward for me?!? I would love to know what OW's friends thought seeing her sit with a man who is NOT her H?? That's might have been a little awkward for her!]
Holy cr@p,P!!! I couldn't believe what I was reading. Your H has the nerve to play the "supportive" part to your exBFF and also bring your S6??? What happened to him breaking off all contact due to exBFF's H's threats? Is he now willing to jeopardize his career after all? Yikes!!!
And you, woman, you continue to amaze me every day! The fact that you went to the concert to support your GD, who is another innocent victim of this, requires a lot of strength and dignity as it is. But the fact that you kept your cool, kept your head high and stayed!!!!...that is truly amazing!!!
Sorry, I just had to get this off my chest
You're such an inspiration!
I did not see that post
111- it was in response to something on RoRo's thread.
Honestly, I'm floored. I find it to be kind of disgusting.
Did he know for sure that you were planning on attending?
I know, I didn't see that one either! That is horrible!! I think you handled it great!
I would have been tempted to go over and slap her!! H better hope I never come face to face with his OW.
I can't believe your H was so casual about it afterwards. "I'm sorry", WAS's don't realize how meaningless sorry is coming from them!!! UGH!!
Thanks for the encouragement. I really try to be aware of maintaining my dignity, and not engaging H in an argument (b/c that's exactly what old purg would have done, and that's what he's expecting.)
----------------------------
Ok, so I've either completely ruined things, or I planted a seed...
Last night H and I were talking about random stuff before bed- and a huge voice in my head said: "tell him!" It was so loud that I could have sworn someone was behind me. So I just opened my mouth and things started flowing out- it was almost like an out of body experience b/c I don't know where it all came from. Everything DB has taught me, went flying out the door. Here's what I said:
"I'm not holding onto you anymore, I'm moving on and creating a life for me and the boys. I have accepted that my H and my M are over and gone, and to be honest, I wouldn't want that M back. It wasn't good for either of us. I didn't like who I was in that M. I can tell you that I still love you; not my H, but *you*. I love the guy who can go toe to toe with me and put me in my place, the guy who can make me have the sqweeky laugh that makes you laugh, the father of my children, the man who is my solid ground when I get shaky. I still love that man. I will also tell you that there is nothing that has been done or said that can't be forgiven and moved on from. I know that I'm not the one you want to help you through the pain and confusion, because I'm the one that caused it- but I would like to try. I can't apologize enough for some of the things I've done or said to you, I could say I'm sorry everyday of that would help (jokingly.) It took years of neglect for you to walk away, I have no expectation that any of it would change in a matter of weeks or months. You always wanted/needed me to be vulnerable with you and be completely open- it took me a year to figure out how to do that- but it was too late by then. And now that I am capable of being completely open with you, you don't want it. It's hard to have all these instincts and responses towards you- like reaching to give you a hug or expressing passion for you.Things that you always said you needed from me. I should learn to keep my mouth shut, but I just wanted to let you know where I'm at in this sitch."
My voice remained steady, soft and calm the whole time. And my heart was about to jump out of my chest!!
He kept my stare the whole time and never interrupted. He looked away a few times to wipe his eyes (he didn't try to hide the fact that he was getting chocked up.) When I was done, he stared right into my eyes for what felt like an hour- almost like he was searching behind my eyes for something. He said:
"thank you for telling me all that, it means a lot to me. I appreciate you respecting my boundaries and not reaching out towards me for affection. I'm still recovering from us- this hurt me a lot more that I realized. I'll have a year in Afghanistan away from everyone and everything, so we'll see what happens then" [he was referencing a previous comment when I brought up OW and her role in his deployment]
He went to bed and gave me a "good night babe" and I got 'the grin' that makes my heart melt. Today, I get a text on my way to work reminding me to take care of some tax papers. Another text an hour later to tell me to put S6 name on his bat and glove for tee ball. Both strange b/c there's no rush and he could have told me these reminders later.
I didn't hear from him he rest of the day- except when he text at 8pm to say he needed to come by and get a few things. He only talked to me to tell me that he was concerned about something I said to my GD and that he thought it was inappropriate. [when she told me that she missed me, I told that I did too but that it was too painful to be around her mom. apparently, she told her mom (and OW told H) that she felt guilty from this comment.] I told him there was no malintent and I would resolve this with GD. He told me that he thought I've been doing this a lot lately: not thinking about others reactions before I say something (really. Of sure what else he's referring to?) He left to go sleep at 'his room'.
So, it's long and tedious- and if youve made it to the end, thank you.
Any ideas if I've screwed up?
Do you fell like you messed up? What you said was from the heart and well said.
Now this
when she told me that she missed me, I told that I did too but that it was too painful to be around her mom. apparently, she told her mom (and OW told H) that she felt guilty from this comment.]
Guilt is not always a bad thing, people should feel guilt when they hurt other people. That's not false guilt.
I'm not sure why you feel the need to apologize.
Wow Purg! I think you did great! What you said was straight from the heart. And the fact that your H didn't turn away and said thank you should tell you something. No matter what happens, I think you've definitely got his wheels turning.
P.S. Can you send some of those nerves of steel this way?
Here's what I said:
"I'm not holding onto you anymore, I'm moving on and creating a life for me and the boys. I have accepted that my H and my M are over and gone, and to be honest, I wouldn't want that M back. It wasn't good for either of us. I didn't like who I was in that M. I can tell you that I still love you; not my H, but *you*. I love the guy who can go toe to toe with me and put me in my place, the guy who can make me have the sqweeky laugh that makes you laugh, the father of my children, the man who is my solid ground when I get shaky. I still love that man. I will also tell you that there is nothing that has been done or said that can't be forgiven and moved on from. I know that I'm not the one you want to help you through the pain and confusion, because I'm the one that caused it- but I would like to try. I can't apologize enough for some of the things I've done or said to you, I could say I'm sorry everyday of that would help (jokingly.) It took years of neglect for you to walk away, I have no expectation that any of it would change in a matter of weeks or months. You always wanted/needed me to be vulnerable with you and be completely open- it took me a year to figure out how to do that- but it was too late by then. And now that I am capable of being completely open with you, you don't want it. It's hard to have all these instincts and responses towards you- like reaching to give you a hug or expressing passion for you.Things that you always said you needed from me. I should learn to keep my mouth shut, but I just wanted to let you know where I'm at in this sitch."
Sometimes you just got to put "it" out there and then be at peace with your decision. DB has it's protocols but every sitch also has its own unique dynamics, so you do what works.
I think you were able to connect with your wayward H and only time will tell where it all leads. Just remember to have no expectations! I would also encourage you to refer back to those words on a regular basis to remind yourself what you are feeling and where your head is at during a moment of complete clarity. This will sustain you during the dark times.
Regarding the feedback your H gave you,
"He told me that he thought I've been doing this a lot lately: not thinking about others reactions before I say something..." think about what he said because although you think you are succeeding at your 180's, it seems like maybe the old you pops up from time to time and you probably are not even aware of it. So just use it as a self check for future interactions.
Overall, I think this was a watershed moment for YOU.
Do you fell like you messed up? What you said was from the heart and well said.
Now this
when she told me that she missed me, I told that I did too but that it was too painful to be around her mom. apparently, she told her mom (and OW told H) that she felt guilty from this comment.]
Guilt is not always a bad thing, people should feel guilt when they hurt other people. That's not false guilt.
I'm not sure why you feel the need to apologize.
OK, I re-read this-who felt guilty, the mom or the daughter? On first read I thought it was the mom.
Dunno sounds like talking your way out of or in instead of acting? Act as if comes to mind. We all make mistakes. No one here is an expert. So don't beat yourself up. Wait and see what happens next. If he responds well than u know what to do next. If he becomes an ice block u know what not do.
I agree with Labug I dont think you need to apologize for what you said.
Sounds like a wonderful conversation with your H. I think you definitely planted a seed, dont expect too much too soon but its so wonderful and hopeful.
My girls are too cute, thanks.
I don't think you screwed up at all! I think it was good for you let him know where you stand. You remained calm and composed, which made him listen to your words rather than be distracted by emotions.
It sounds like your H is very much on the fence of things. He's probably questioning everything, he's flip flopping. He is trying to make sense of it, but needs time to do so.
The fact that he said "let's see what happens during/after the year in A" shows that he's trying to buy time. He's not sure of his feelings yet. Now get back on that DB track and show us how it's done!
GOOD GIRL! Proud of you. You didn't screw up. Do you see how he reacted? He felt emotion (and NOT the wayward spouse anger) and he thanked you for telling him. This is the kind of thing I did when J and I were separated. The more time that went by with me obviously moving on from him (yet flirting with him and chatting with him, making sure we were both laughing and remembering the good times), the more he realized that whatever he thought he wanted when he left wasn't what he actually wanted. He wanted me back.
Of course nobody can predict what will happen, but I really think your H NEEDS to feel that you're not pining for him anymore. He won't take strides to come back if he knows he could have you in an instant. JMO.
Hey Purg I just sent my request as well. Thanks
Thank you all for your feedback. I *do* feel good that I laid it all out on the table, that way I don't have to wonder 'what if'. I'm not going to bring it up again, and just pray that it planted a seed.... Only time will tell.
Bug- I was my GD that said she felt guilty. I'm not exactly why, but it's probably something to do with her loyalty to her mom. It was interesting that she didn't seem uncomfortable with my H expressing feelings for her mom
Today:
Didn't hear anything from H all day. He showed up at the hoise after work, without notifying me. I didn't feel the need to correct him, probably out of fear that it would send him running away. He played a video game with S6 for almost an hour, while I stayed upstairs and did chores.
When he was leaving, S6 asked him why he had to leave all the time and why couldn't he just sleep at our house. [I was in the kitchen with the water running to try and drown out the conversation]. I couldn't hear what H was telling him, but he stayed a few more minutes, and then left. I can't imagine that made him feel good.
This was the first time S6 has acknowledged the sitch, and he expressed sadness. The fact that H couldn't stay simply b/c S6 asked him to- is a strong reminder of just how selfish the WAS can be. I mean, I understand why he couldn't stay if *I* asked him, but his *son* asked him to stay- and he still said no.
This was the pain I never wanted to experience: seeing my son in pain from his dad's 'rejection'. I don't want to have "the talk" with him.
I *do* feel good that I laid it all out on the table, that way I don't have to wonder 'what if'. I'm not going to bring it up again, and just pray that it planted a seed.... Only time will tell.
I have struggled with wanting to lay everything out on the table recently so I won't wonder "what if". My WAW and I have not had a R talk in 4+ months and I struggle w/ not bringing up per DB'ing rules vs. being too stubborn in wanting her to initiate and vs. sweeping things under the rug (a historic relationship dynamic of ours), etc...
I really don't see a negative in it if you do not pressure and/or pursue and are just letting your S know where you are coming from. They may percieve it as pressure but your continued and consistant actions speak louder than any conversation you have IMO.
I think you handled it great and can't imagine it not planting a seed. Great Job!
That is a sad picture you paint of your husband leaving the little boy, soon after his small inquiry for his daddy to stay longer. You better believe to is selfish. In that particular situation, he should have stayed to put the child to bed.
Oh, dear. After the above, I would have recommended, very soon, husband needs to buck up, and explain the new arrangement he prefers in living apart from his family. Or, maybe a therapist should be consulted. Would it be best to live a lie, or a pseudo-comfortable limbo, for a year whilst husband is in Afghanastan? Can kids read what's really going on anyway?
Perhaps the year away would be helpful in the recovery of the marriage. Is that a possibility? I cannot imagine this situation with children. How complicated.
((((( purg )))))
there are days where I just want to lay it all put on the table too but, I'm afraid I'm just going to come across judgemental or angry which will just make H shut down. I wish there was an opportunity to speak w/ him where I could voice how I feel. Situation never presents itself though.
As for H still leaving when your S asks him to stay. I totally get that. My kids will tell H how much they miss him and why does he have to go etc. Sometimes I just want to shake him and say.. What is wrong with you?? In the end, I focus on the fact that I am here. And H's relationship w/ the kids is his responsibility whichever way he chooses to go. I figure it will be the kids that fuel the catalyst for change IF H decides to change.
Can we get on a different ride soon?
"A different ride.."
I AGREE!!! I would love to lounge in an inner tube on the lazy river ride.
I'm posting on my phone for a few days, so I hope my typos haven't been too confusing
I think everyone should read Mach's post on grmpy_mnky's thread about "walking from NY to LA" (I can't link it cause of the phone) It really makes you stop and think about how we approach our sitchs, and how long we can do this.
Journal:
After H left, I tried to keep S6 distracted by having him 'teach' me how to play his video game (honestly, if it's not Mario or Tetris, I can't play it)
We ate dinner together and had a pillow fight- even LittleS played too! Bath, Books and Bed.... I kept our routine normal and didn't draw any attention to H's absence. S6 went to bed with a smile. I feel good about being the one that gives him peace and comfort in his home. Their smiles and hugs are little little band-aids on my broken heart. Their sense of security is all that matters.
"After H left, I tried to keep S6 distracted by having him 'teach' me how to play his video game (honestly, if it's not Mario or Tetris, I can't play it)
We ate dinner together and had a pillow fight- even LittleS played too! Bath, Books and Bed.... I kept our routine normal and didn't draw any attention to H's absence. S6 went to bed with a smile. I feel good about being the one that gives him peace and comfort in his home. Their smiles and hugs are little little band-aids on my broken heart. Their sense of security is all that matters."
Purg, you are focused on the right things, your kids. That is all that matters. H will someday have to face the music. but you'll keep going for the kids and somewhere along the way you will find peace.
Purg - i somehow got behind on your posts and just caught up. So much has happened. I was horrified to learn what happened at your gd's thing. You handled it all amazingly well and i think u did the right thing telling your H your deepest thoughts on where you are at.
You're an amazing woman Purg and i truly value your friendship.
I did send a friend request to DB buddies. BTW your pic is beautiful.
I have been following you for awhile. You are really stron and pretty. What is rong with your ?
Jeez, I cannot spell. strong and wrong!
I am begining to think that Mach is a collection of individuals. Where does the dude get this stuff?
BTW- just requested on FB. Park Ranger costume.
I'm sue of this. That Mach is actually a group of Shaolin Monks in a temple in China, dispensing wisdom to the decadent lost westerners.
I am begining to think that Mach is a collection of individuals. Where does the dude get this stuff?
BTW- just requested on FB. Park Ranger costume.
Wish I could post a picture of Ranger Smith from Yogi Bear.
So, strange brief talk with H.... So I don't sit here and analyze, I have to get this out.
(our Internet has been out for a few days) its a huge inconvienence for both me and H. He's mumbled his discontent over the past few days, and has mentioned to me that I need to call to fix it (why can't he??)
Anyways, I've been busy working full time and having the kids on my own for monday and tuesday- so calling the cable guy is the last thing on my mind. H takes the boys tonight, and I enjoy 2 hours of a leisurely bath, a dinner that I don't have to rush through and watching my DVR. H comes home: first thing out of his mouth is if I called the cable guy. To which I respond that I was trying to find the number on my phone (I really was b/c I was tired of posting here with my phone!) he says: "I've been gone for 2 hours, I would have thought you would have called by now?! I have financial stuff to take care of tonight... This is a huge PITA.... (Mumble... Mumble...)
What I wanted to say: "are your fingers broken? Or is there some other reason that *you* can't call?? I didn't realize you had an expectation that I was going to use my night off to look up the number and call within these few hours before you got home, so sorry to disappoint."
But I kept my mouth shut and walked away (hence I dont know what he was mumbling about.)
I just can't believe that he expects me to be responsible for all these little things, and on *his* timeline no less! He probably thinks that since *I live here- that it's my job. So if I'm the one who lives here, and it's my inconvienence, shouldn't it be my timeline as to when I get it fixed- and not be fussed at??
Grrrrrrrrrr!!
How about you say: Yes, but I was on hold for so long, I just now hung up. Why don't you try?
He feels pretty entitled, huh?
Geesh poor guy. Why are you so mean Purg? Lol..
Purg, been there done that. I think you did good by just walking away.
Although you do know that if YOU don't call, you probably won't have internet ever again, right? LOL
Glad you took your g-ma's advice!
Do you think the WAS starts nit picking at the little things when their original justifications for leaving are no longer valid? Sort of.. Grasping for straws?
Boo hoo. Kids don't have a full time dad and H complaining about Internet. I am totally out of empathy today.
Bug- THAT is what I should have said!! Too bad you weren't talking to the transmitter hidden in my ear
Mnky- I know, I can be a real b!tch sometimes... No wonder he left. Lol
RoRo- you're right, if I ever want Internet agin, I'll have to be the one to call. He tends to be SUPER stubborn and will never call just to prove a point!!
I was thinking about this a little more to see if there was something I could learn from his reaction.... I started remembering a few times during our M when he expressed disappointment b/c I didn't make his priority *my* priority. Now this cable issue is small compared to some of our past issues- but the concept applies to all of them.
It used to be that H would ask me to research/call/go/do something that would help him (usually military related paperwork.) although he never would give me an 'order' or an exact timeframe in which to complete this task, I quickly learned that he expected me to drop all of my plans, and complete this request ASAP. It was especially bad on deployments. Sometimes I would do it right away (if *I* could see the importance in it- that's the difinitive difference!) most of the time, I would put it in line behind my priorities. Which one is right? Respectful?
Tonight, I obviously showed him again that I didn't see the same importance in this call as he did (I really hope it wasnt another tally mark in the 'why I should leave' chart.) I seem to be putting a lot of thougt into a silly issue- but maybe *H* didn't think it was silly- maybe he had an important email that he needed to check or research for work- but instead of telling me WHY it's important to solve this quickly, I get fussed at. I have no problem doing something that is openly requested of me (honey, could you please call soon b/c I've got some important work to do) instead of being unknowingly expected and then punished for not meeting them.
In any case, I still don't understand why he couldn't call... Cause he's a big baby and can't be bothered to deal with such trivial things!
Purg.. Try not to mind read. If it really was that important, H could have called or found another place to email from.
H is the one that chose to leave. Not you. It isn't fair to expect you to take care of the every day dealings because that is one of the priviledges of being married and having a partner. I have to remind myself of this all the time.. Especially when I think about whether he's eating.. Or sleeping enough.. But it was H who chose to leave.. Not me.
Still doesn't make it fun!
BF- you're absolutely right! Thanks for clearing that up for me
I also worry if he's eating/ sleeping enough- especially when I see the luggage under his eyes... Kinda makes me sad and worry about him.
I said *kinda*, trying not to waste time worrying about his demons!
Sometimes, or actually all the time we get caught in the DB catch 22, if we try to be supportive and helpful we give them a cake eating life and get no credit as a loving partner, and if we detach they treat us as someone who should be left behind.
Have you ever explained to him what u explained here, that he should communicate these things with more detail. You know help you to help him?
I'm really in a PO'd mood tonight. I was thinking about inventing a new version of GTA, where you ride around Century City hunting WAS's.
I have a different point of view, dont know if its valid. I think you should call the cable company for him because it seems like that would make him feel loved. Yes it is juvenile that he cant pick up the phone himself but we are not talking about who is right and wrong here, not talking about who is acting like a grown up & who is acting like a kid. I think it will bring him closer if you call. I say do it now if you havent already.
I always ask myself the question will it bring him closer or push him further away?
After they come back we can work out the details of being a "good" husband or partner.
Yeah Brklym may have a more sensible approach here. You can usually count on one of us on any given night with enough DB mojo to keep the rest of us in line.
I'm really in a PO'd mood tonight. I was thinking about inventing a new version of GTA, where you ride around Century City hunting WAS's.
LOL. YOu could call it "Grand Theft Spouse"
OK, so Labug & BF's comments cracked me up and gave me a good laugh tonight (greatly needed and appreciated).
Then when I got to the end here and read BM's comment it was a good wake up call to me.
Sorry for the frustration P. Completely get it. Your H is being a big b-head. But you can rise above!
How are you liking your job & co-workers?
It is so much easier offer up DB advice when its not me doing the hard work
I thought about this post and the responses a lot last night. I think it's a wonderful gesture to do things for others, either because you want to help someone out, or to be nice or show love or because they've asked. What's not so wonderful is when the other person expects you to put their needs over yours without reason.
Example 1: Honey, I have x, y, and z to do tonight before I get home and then I really need to work on the taxes but the cable is out. Could you call the cable company and see what's up?
Example 2: Purg's sitch above.
Detaching includes not doing things for others that they can do for themselves. That's what creates the crazy codependent relationships. We are given more responsibility and we take on more responsibility and before you know it we're the controlling b!tch they want to leave.
I see the situation continuing into "O the cable's out, I'd better call before H gets home or he'll be angry" "Gee the furnace is broken I better take care of that or he'll be angry" "the DW is broken, better get it taken care of ..." You get the picture. We teach people how to treat us.
I don't want that in a new relationship, the feeling that I have to take on everything to keep everyone happy. I want a respectful relationship where responsibilities are shared.
It's difficult to think of these things when in the midst of trying to save a R but if I don't know what I want, how will I ever be able to get it.
my .02 but then WTFDIK
I think it goes back to personal motives. Is the action to be loving and who we want to be or is it to be compliant expecting a response or reaction, i.e. putting expectations on someone else?
Purg - you've got to answer that question for yourself. Each of us do.
I go back to King David a lot. He once said (paraphrasing) God doesn't want our sacrifices, he wants our hearts. Its not so much the action but the motive behind the action that counts.
The action may help or it may not, but ultimately, if it doesn't move your own heart to a better place, does it really accomplish anything?
((((P)))))
ces, I agree with you on the motives, I always have to think about my motives. I realize that now. For a long time (like forever) my motives were suspect, at best, I wanted something, I was expecting something.
I think in a respectful, loving R there is a lot of give and take, shifting of responsibilities and both partners feel cared for not taken advantage of, not resentful.
At least I hope that's what happens. Maybe we'll all find out some day.
I think in a respectful, loving R there is a lot of give and take, shifting of responsibilities and both partners feel cared for not taken advantage of, not resentful.
At least I hope that's what happens. Maybe we'll all find out some day.
Amen to that!
I'm really in a PO'd mood tonight. I was thinking about inventing a new version of GTA, where you ride around Century City hunting WAS's.
^^^I would so buy this game. It is a game, right? Just saying, being a Fed I can get away with a lot.
I have not seen the wife in a few weeks. She still works on the other side of the park and I have several close friends that see her all the time. They all tell me she looks like sh!t. The bags under the eyes and pale complexion. I fell sorry for her, but at the same time it was her choice and I am here if she wants a dialogue. Me, on the other hand, I look friggin awesome! For a monkey..
Calling all of you military spouses, read Kolja's post on his thread. You may have already read it elsewhere but just a nice hat's off to you who also serve.
I thought about this post and the responses a lot last night. I think it's a wonderful gesture to do things for others, either because you want to help someone out, or to be nice or show love or because they've asked. What's not so wonderful is when the other person expects you to put their needs over yours without reason.
Example 1: Honey, I have x, y, and z to do tonight before I get home and then I really need to work on the taxes but the cable is out. Could you call the cable company and see what's up?
Example 2: Purg's sitch above.
Detaching includes not doing things for others that they can do for themselves. That's what creates the crazy codependent relationships. We are given more responsibility and we take on more responsibility and before you know it we're the controlling b!tch they want to leave.
I see the situation continuing into "O the cable's out, I'd better call before H gets home or he'll be angry" "Gee the furnace is broken I better take care of that or he'll be angry" "the DW is broken, better get it taken care of ..." You get the picture. We teach people how to treat us.
I don't want that in a new relationship, the feeling that I have to take on everything to keep everyone happy. I want a respectful relationship where responsibilities are shared.
It's difficult to think of these things when in the midst of trying to save a R but if I don't know what I want, how will I ever be able to get it.
my .02 but then WTFDIK
Agree,,,good advice ^^^^^^^^^^
my .02 but then WTFDIK
A lot more than you realize!
I'm really in a PO'd mood tonight. I was thinking about inventing a new version of GTA, where you ride around Century City hunting WAS's.
^^^I would so buy this game. It is a game, right? Just saying, being a Fed I can get away with a lot.
I have not seen the wife in a few weeks. She still works on the other side of the park and I have several close friends that see her all the time. They all tell me she looks like sh!t. The bags under the eyes and pale complexion. I fell sorry for her, but at the same time it was her choice and I am here if she wants a dialogue. Me, on the other hand, I look friggin awesome! For a monkey..
Apes tend to still look well under stress...from chimpan A to chimpan Z.
It goes to show you how much stress the WAS is actually under although its hard to believe when you see them happily enjoying their merry new existance.
My W ,same thing...she's really beaten up by her struggles. She's the king of girl who had the fortune of phenomenal looks and people think she's in her 20's but she's 45. With this however, it's wiping her out. One of my boys said the stress has caused her to look like Emperor Palpatine of Star Wars. He wasn't joking, the stress she's under is huge.
Me, on the other hand, I look friggin awesome! For a monkey..
The only one stressed in that equation ^^^ , is your bikini waxer.....
Free-range shaved ape bro!
Purg...
((( )))
wow, what a week you had!
I just want to agree with your approach to the supposedly "new news" b/c I think if your h and OW (whether it's bff or someone else)
were having an affair 3 YEARS ago, why go through all the charades of MC?
And why have another child? Doesn't make sense. And if it is BFF why wouldn't her h know then, and not til now?
And he'd have certainly made it an issue. And last but not least, I feel like punching the idiot neighbor who passed the crap along even if it is true;. Anything that happened 3 years ago...you need to mention NOW? really?
so your approach is a healthy one if you think you could get past it, if it were true.
Also, you would not be a "fool" to have trusted him then. He'd simply be a liar. You'd have been a trusting wife. There's no "duping" in the past.
Your changes are being noticed but he's also digging in himself to see how much damage has been done b/c he's maybe wondering if HE could get past the past...his sharing his pain with you was a good thing. He didn't sound angry so much as sad. Let's face it, this is tragic no matter who we are angry at today or who we want to blame. A tragic failure to communicate and act on the awareness of how much damage was being done.
Anyhow, I do feel his statement about Afghanistan and seeing what happens, was
realistically, the best most positive thing he could have said. Well done but now that you've said your piece, enough.
Also I didn't see the comment about forgiving til I read it a third time and that matters a little b/c it means you said so much that your main message might have been lost....keep it shorter in the future. Generally I don't think more than 6 lines can be well conveyed and recalled later...
the focus tends to be on the one negative comment if there was one. If you told him 10 positives and one negative, a month from now he'll recall mostly the negative and maybe one or two of the positives and they won't outweigh the negative (remember-as my professor said, "it takes 5 compliments to undo the hurt and focus of ONE negative criticism"--that is from my grad psych class. Then again, that professor also said "plants feel & EXPRESS pain every day" so what does she know?--which explains the screaming I heard last night when I made the salad and cut the carrots...oh the humanity
)
Not sure about the GD guilt thing...could be a conscience--remorse, which I think is healthy...and who cares? Seriously...that is SO NOT your problem.
But 2's point (or Machs??) was more relevant. IOW, what are YOU conveying somehow
even now, that makes your h see you not considering other's feelings?
Part of me would have laughed in his face and said "you're kldding right? Good one!"
But it's healthier and stronger to look in the mirror to CHECK yourself.
Your h may be way out of line and projecting, which I was tempted to assume...or not.
What to you "know"? We know that
Taking the high road will never be something you regret. And your kids will appreciate it, even if they don't know about it.Being angry is what you said you were for 5 of the 9 year marriage.
Showing your h more of that old Purg, won't help the cause.
Stay on course.
((( )))
I thought that Rick89 had a strange set of posts going today, then I cane here and hear about bikini waxing a monkey! I love this place!! It's heartwarming to know that in the middle of such sadness and misery- we can still find ways to laugh
25- thank you for coming by again!! I always appreciate your view on the events in my stich. I DO feel good that I chose to let go of the 'new' info from the neighbor.... I actually haven't thought much about it since I put it down.
I have always been told about how negatives outweigh the positives- in fact, I've used that on H sometimes! I really hope that my 'speech' was taken positively by him- but if YOU had a hard time catching the forgiveness part, then there's a chance that he did too. EEK! I don't plan on saying anything more about it at this point, so I'm crossing fingers that a seed was planted.
H's birthday is this weekend, AND it's his weekend without the boys- so I didn't have any expectations to see him. He text me this morning and said:
"So I guess I should make an appearance at the house on Saturday. I'll come by for breakfast." (it did make me upset that he seems to be doing me a favor, when our arrangement has always been to have family breakfast on saturday, regardless of what else is going on.) I responded:
"I didn't make any plans so that you wouldn't feel obligated. Breakfast will be great!" he said:
"thank you."
Probably not the nicest I could have been, but I also held back a lot.
BTW, Cable guy got called, came out and it's all fixed! Pat on my back!!
your response about his Bday &him not feeling obligated and then the upbeat message about breakfast, was friggin' perfect...His comment was annoying but you deflected so well.
So be easy on yourself girl, I couldn't have done better WITH planning...you did that off the cuff!!
Not to get negative/Debbie Downer, but are we now assuming his r with XBFF is on again?
Just curious...didn't expect it to end so abruptly anyhow, and frankly I think it needs to expire on its own for YOU to feel safe enough to move forward with him someday. Must sukk to be the GD...and where is the GD's dad? And the whole military aspect faded out or what?
I think your h's time away in 'Ghanistan will probably be a real opportunity for you to DB uber well.
And HIS/Your kids sending care packages (with a scented note or two from u??)
won't hurt. Same for Skype--& of course Look GREAT when you are "connecting" them.
Not true pursuit to say "you sure are missed here" imo. But not now!
That's for later, when we'll enter the "Purg DB4 Deployments Campaign"...
btw, did I tell you my h is getting deployed this summer? He's in the Reserves and no, we did NOT see this coming. (Financially it's bad news for us since h's income is much higher in civilian/private practice, and our home loan was based on his private practice income level--oh well. If he comes home in one piece that's the main thing. But it'd be nice NOT to lose our house. I need to up my work hours big time now...ANYHOW...) But I Digress...
Gee, maybe our h's will be together...um, hmm, I can't decide if that's gross or cool.
Is your guy Army or Navy? Mine is Army.
oh AND one other thing...worst case scenario (Not likely, but if your mind wanders negatively,)
your h had an affair before, or long ago...
to me, that does NOT mean he wasn't also working on the m,
OR hoping things would improve with your m. Most spouses having A's check it out before they bail on the m.
They will take as little risk as possible. Selfish? Of course.
But my point is, I think all of that "apparent effort" working on the m, was sincere on his end. You're the mother of his children and he loves those boys.
Of course life would be way easier if you two could work this out. Maybe when he's away, that will hit him more. He'll have the perspective of what fathers mean to their sons, what being apart is REALLY like....that the boys deserve that chance as a family.
How was your h last time he deployed? How were YOU? What will your 180s be when he's gone?
I swear my h gets more romantic, kinder and more patient with everyone when he's gone...(which does not go unnoticed by my teenage daughter.) Oh well.
((( )))
ps glad you called the cable guy though I'd have been tempted to ask if his arms were not working b/c how heavy is a phone? But you were RIGHT to see it from HIS POINT OF VIEW
b/c in the end, if we cannot do that for each other, then the m is doomed.
25- yes, I do think the R with OW is kinda on- in the sense that he has stopped going over there as much but I'm sure he still texts/calls her- not sure how often. I have no idea if the OW's H will take action- he's usually a 'threaten and do nothing' kind of guy. He's currently stationed in Guam- with a live-in girlfriend.. So there's a whole lot of drama on that side of things! I have no desire to get involved!
The last deployment was 3 years ago. That one was for 9 months, the 2 previous ones were 8 months each. We only had 1 kid and our M was 'good'. We had a scheduled talk on the phone every day (he was a department head so he had a sat phone.) We never got to do Skype cause the ship's Internet was sketchy at best. He had made a DVD of him reading bedtime stories to S which we watched and followed along with the book almost every night. H would ask me to send care packages to some single sailors in his department b/c they never got anything. I was also the FRG president. Over all, H had me very involved in his ship life.
I have no idea what to expect with this IA. He will be living in a camp/base. I don't know if he'll have regular access to a phone or computer. Since our M is not good, I don't know that he'll make any extraordinary efforts to communicate. He has said that he will make another DVD for the boys to watch while he's gone.
Today:
I came home from work at 4:30, and H is taking a nap in the guest room. (It's nice to know that he chose to come here instead of crashing at his 'room'- it makes me think that he's still comforted by being in our home) He gets up, takes a shower and comes down to watch TV with S6 for a little while. In fact he's sitting across from me on the couch while I type this post (he keeps glancing at me) He didn't say why he came home, and just left to go to the gym.
Tomorrow is his birthday, and we've planned to do a family breakfast in the morning. Here's my thing: I've always made a big deal out of birthdays and H loved it b/c he said it was never a big deal in his house when he was growing up. I don't want to do too much that might make him uncomfortable, but at the same time- I want to be my authentic self (for my own peace of mind and to show him who I really am) and my 'A.S.' enjoys making other people happy on their birthday by doing the unexpected. How do I balance the 2??
I already did a little something (don't judge!). While he was napping, I put some shows I got him in the floorboard of his truck with a note saying 'happy early birthday'. When he left for the gym, I got a text: "Wow! Thank you, I love them!" (honestly my heart skipped a beat when I saw the word 'love'- even though it wasn't addressed at me, it's the first time I've seen that word from him in 4 months... I'm a sap.) I have a few more presents for tomorrow, 2 are 'from' the boys.
Do I hope he'll stay here tonight so he'll be at the house for breakfast, yes. Do I wish that he would say he wants to go out with me and the boys for his birthday dinner, yes. Do I have any expectations that either of these will happen, no.
a couple of years ago i went out and bought a plain iced chocolate cake which i had S (he had just turned 3 or 4.. can't remember) decorate for H. it had sprinkles.. smarties.. a gummy worm.. 2 gummy frogs.. and spock. i think it was the best cake ever!
i don't know what's right to do about the bday thing. that's tricky. isn't it a pain that the WAS doesn't think about things like that? i mean.. after a D.. do you have 2 separate bday parties for the kids?? do you invite the other?? what if it's not your weekend and it's your bday? what about mother's day? what a pain in the behind!
lol. i laughed at your comment about him loving his gift. i think we're just so happy to hear love come out of their mouth in something relating us! it's like a little happy shock to our system!
what's on the agenda for the weekend? your first weekend off after starting the new job...
BF- that does sound like a yummy cake!!
H came home last night at 10- kinda early for him, and he played video games and drank beer for a few hours (can we say: reliving his college years?!)
The boys and I made breakfast and we all ate together. S6 made him a card and drew all 4 of is on the front. Inside it said: "happy birthday. We all love you" and he made me sign it. H liked the presents from the 'boys', and he made sure to tell *me* thank you. I got him a kindle, since he had mentioned he wanted one for overseas... Turns out he had already bought a used old one on eBay. He said that mine was an upgrade so he was happy. Oh well, at least he knew that I paid attention to a passing comment.
The weather is nasty and raining today- H hasn't mentioned any plans to leave, but I'm sure he will later. Right now, I'm enjoying watching him and S6 play together
(((Purg))) Hang in there. BTW - way too nice
If he heads out alone make sure you do something fun.
That was nice of you. Was that a 180? Did buy him thoughtful gifts before?
And definitely make plans tonite! NO EXPECTATIONS REMEMEBER!
I shoulda tattooed that on my forehead this morning. I was disappointed. I think it's cuz of aunt flo (AF).
i say if H leaves.. you build a fort and have a camp out w/ the kids! sigh. wish i was doing that today..
a kindle.. very nice. i want one too!
hope you have a good day today. thinking of you.
Mnky- I've never known the words "too nice" when it comes to birthdays
that's what I was struggling with: to be my authentic self and be generous like I want to be, or pull back b/c it might make him uncomfortable... I went with option A and it didn't backfire (yet).
Vero- I've always given thoughtful gifts. This time was a little different because he didn't say he wanted one during a talk about birthdays, it was such a passing statement he probably didn't think I heard him. And I think if you listen carefully when people mumble or talk to themselves, you can find some helpful information.
BF: a hampster camp out sounds perfect!! Right now I'm just trying to figure out how to burn off some of S6's energy. It's been raining all day and we've been cooped up in our hamster house- and they are driving me nuts!
H played in the garage and his truck for a few hours (his truck looks like he's been living in it- there's clothes and trash everywhere!) We all had lunch together and it felt like a 'normal' Saturday would have been before te bomb. I wandered outside a few times and asked about what he was doing- he talked with me for a little bit, but nothing exciting. He left to "go out" a little while ago. He told me to leave the chain off the door (which means he's planning to sleep here). He also left his backpack here- which is VERY unusual. I joke with him that he has a bigger purse than me! This backpack goes EVERYWHERE with him (even before the bomb) but since then, he's never left it anywhere that I might go through it.... Temptation/curiosity is growing!
maybe he's got a hamspter in there. ooooohhh.. when the mice are away.. the hampster will come out to play...
Purg - what you did for his bday was very nice and I don't think it was too much. That's good that he decided to spend time with the boys (and you) when he could have been completely selfish because it's "his" day.
I know what you mean by "re-living his college days". My H likes to drink beer and play video games. Oh, and he's also VERY into transformers (as in the toys). He's been buying them like crazy, using S4 as an excuse. And I just say 'ok'.
Interesting facts with his phone and now his backpack...seems like he's starting to get more comfortable in the house again.
Good job Purg.
I'm a big believer in going dark or dim in 2 circumstances
1) if it's the only way to protect YOU from further pain/having less trauma/drama
and or
2) b/c it's your 180
but in your sitch the "positive only" attention from you is what you admit needs work and that;s what you are doing, imo.
SO even though usually we are supposed to pull back, I would not pull back in this regard'
but you can pull way back in EXPECTATIONS...so keep that up
and it's not the same as pursuit b/c that is attached to expectations.
I think you just seemed loving to him and as if you were putting
your kids and h's welfare and happiness over yours. In SOME situations that's a good idea.
Well done
Purg!! Backpack! (I sound like Dora the explorer lol!) DON'T SNOOP! This is ur conscious! Don't don't don't do it!
Purg - what you for H did was sweet. No matter how he handles it, it was sweet of you to do it.
Just like the phone recently I'm sure you have the strength to avoid looking in his hampsterpack.
There might be meowing cats in there.
I did see some some evidence of fur in there.... Wonder what he's been doing on his nights alone?!
Today was uneventful. I cleaned the floors and did some laundry- not exactly the GAL I would like to do. I planned to take the kids to the Y so we could all burn some energy. H called before we left and asked of he could stop by. I let the boys hang with him for a few minutes, while I stayed upstairs getting dressed for the gym. Then we left as planned- this was kind of a 180, because I would normally adjust my leave time so that we could all hang out while he was there. H was gone by the time we got home. He did call to tell me why he left early (a positive?) he was showing our travel trailer to someone who might want to buy it.
I cooked a bunch of food tonight to prepare for the week: blueberry bread, pancakes, eggie cups (S6 named them), spaghetti and a meatloaf. It takes a lot to cook so much in one day, but it makes the rest of my week go smoother
Not ready for Monday, but I don't have a choice!
Just caught up with your thread. So much stuff!
Hang in there!
I think leaving as planned is a big deal. I have adjusted my leaves so kids could hang with Dad but leaving as planned and going on with our lives is what they have asked of us. It think its good to show them what it feels like.
I am very impressed with all the cooking and cleaning you did with the 2 kids around. I get nothing done when I am home alone with them. NOTHING!! I have to stay up late to clean my house. I send my laundry out to a wash and fold lately, I cant even manage that. Give yourself a gold star.
Single with little kids....i have it easy
Just caught up on u Purg, u r doing Fantastic, keep it up!!
When was the last time you went back and read your initial threads? You have grown so much!!
Best!
SIAS- thanks for checking up on me. I haven't read my early posts in a while, but I'm sure I might be a little embarrassed
Journal:
I got 2 great compliments yesterday.
The first came from our MC. She was calling b/c she needed to close our case and was wondering if we still needed to come for sessions. We hadn't spoken to her since the beginning of January, so I filled her in on OW, H getting his official orders to AFG and my trip to FL. She was more than a bit surprised. She asked a few other questions about the sitch... and then said that I sounded like I was in a wonderful place. That it seemed like I wasn't fighting it anymore and was making plans for a future.
This made me feel like maybe I really *am* in a good place, if she can tell a difference simply over the phone.
My second one came from my IC, who I had an appointment with yesterday afternoon. I hadn't seen her since before my trip to FL. I gave her the overview of my trip details (including my faith intervention) and my 'soul bearing' talk with H just last week. I told her about getting my job and she got caught up on my heart issues. I felt bad b/c the whole 1.5 session was mostly me talking and her interjecting here and there. After all was said and done, she said that it seems like a weight/burden had been lifted from my shoulders, and that I seem to be stronger and happier. I was surprised by the happy statement- but maybe she sees something I don't.
Not related.....
On the way home, I heard a song on the radio- have no idea what it is- but a verse got me thinking....The singer was asking his lost love if she would mourn for him if he was gone forever.
I started crying my car, sappy but true. I wonder if H would mourn for me if I died. What if my heart surgery goes wrong? What if I got in a car accident? I would like to assume that he would be sad, but would he be mourning a friend or his wife? Would it make him regret his choice to leave? Would that be the 'bomb' that he needed to shake his train of thought?
I know, not positive thoughts. But sometimes I think it's healthy to let your mind wander- as long as you can bring it back in... which I did
Then my night ended with the baby getting a fever of 103 and a sleepless night. I text H to let him know about it last night, and this morning- with hardly a reaction out of him! It's so uncharacteristic of him- he's usually right there next to me on the sleepless nights and calling a few times through out the day to check on the ids when they're sick- I haven't heard from him all day.
Guess the WAS really is in their own world.
that is weird about H not contacting to check up on the kids.
as for your thought about whether H would mourn you.. i wonder the same thing sometimes. and then it makes me too sad to consider the response. makes me sad just thinking about it right now! so.. i just have to let it go.
it's hard.. trying not to dwell on the things that you can not control. no magic answer. i guess we just have to keep GALing!
Purg and Barely....they would absolutely be devastated if something were to happen to you. They might continue to act "as if" they knew what they were doing all along, you know, all the justifications needed to cover the confusion and guilt, but they would know and suffer.
Saw this first hand. When I moved to US and my Dad was in Vietnam, they were in our type of a sitch. My Dad came home from Vietnam with a new wife, an American he met in Saigon and they moved to VA. Then my Mom got sick and died. My Dad still suffers the horrible sense of what was unfinished business and it was 30 yrs ago. Still regrest it to this day.
These H's of yours are playing with fire....and they can't help themselves at present...and are risking losing the greatest of gifts (you) they had in their lives. I hope they can wake up. I've seen how it can end otherwise.
hugs to both hampsters
My H was at the 49ers playoff game in SF while I was in the ER w S (recurring UTIs). He called often but didn't cancel his plans cuz I was handling it. I think back now and although I was ok, his son wasn't!
Well V...prado...it was football after all!
I remember my W in labor on the table with first son....and for some unfathomable reason was angry that the doc and I were watching MNF!
Omg!! Rick! That's hilarious! Not if I were ur W though! Lol!
Purg, I'm sure your H would be devastated if anything happened to you. He may not act like it now, but after all you've been through together and your history, I really believe he would. And if he wouldn't, well then he doesn't deserve you!!!
Did you ever think about that maybe your H is detaching in his own ways? With the upcoming deployment where his life is on the line, and also your health problems that could be serious, I wonder if he's just pulling back because everything scares him so much. He may be scared to lose his life and have you mourn him. Maybe he thinks that if you weren't in love with him, then it wouldn't be so hard on you.
Or, God forbid anything happened to you. He maybe too scared to be too attached to you because he doesn't think he could deal with it. He wouldn't be able to carry on with his life without you and also to raise your boys without you.
Sorry he acted disinterested in your kid's health. Maybe he didn't realize how bad it was and how frustrated and sleep deprived you were. It's so easy for the WAS to forget their parental responsibilities. They think they can come and go as they please and deserve a medal for the little time they put into spending with the kids.
I agree that you should be able to "relieve" you if you need the help. If you are exhausted and need help, go ahead and ask for it, just don't put it in a way that would make it look like he's doing you a favor. His reaction seems very strange though. It seems like he was still very involved with the kids despite the problems between the two of you. Maybe he's going through something else.
I think you H disconnect illustrates how sick he is right now. Of course he cares about you and the kids he just has such a wall up right now. He will not let anything allow him to feel emotional.
It is so wonderful that your IC could see your changes. I use to have a hard time talking to my IC for a whole hr, I didnt want to talk to much but now I love it. I dont care thats its all about me, thats what I am paying for! I get to let it all out.
Keep working on you. Your H is a fool.
Purgatory I don't know where your latest thread is
but I'm checking in on you...
hey, are you going to EE in April? I THINK there's also one in July, if April's is booked, but then not another one til next year.
How are you?