Hello, Im here to seek help. I met my wife in highschool and we have been together for 8 years. we have been married for almost 3 years. the past year she has been begging me for a baby and then just before it all she told me she changed her mind. I was happy and i cant believe i didnt notice that as a symbol of her checking out of the relationship.
so
a few weeks ago she came home and told me she needed some space and with hesitation i let her have it. it was the worst day i ever had when she walked out the door. she is now staying at her mothers house and i feel like its doing more damage then good.
before she left i asked her why and she said that i dont help her out around the house enough and that we dont do anything together anymore. It didnt need to be said but we both know that our sex life was at an all time low. I hate myself for it because she is so attractive but for some reason i thought that with enought time i would come around and enjoy having sex with her again. well i guess i let it go for too long.
we both dont communicate enough with eachother and if we would have i dont think i would be in this situation.
after watching a video on youtube i realized that she had been telling me for a long time i just wasnt listening and it took her leaving for me to wake up and realize what i have lost.
after a day at her moms i went to see her and i convinced her to come home but it wasnt long till she had a look of worry on her face and i asked her what and she told me "i dont know if i love you anymore". she went to work with that and i told her its probably best if she went back to her moms and now im regretting that decision because her not being around me is not giving her the opportunity to view any changes and since we are not talking she chant hear them either.
so while she was at her moms she found my can of worms and that was that i have been talking to a girl for a long long time almost 5 years. i have been talking to this girl but i have never cheated on my wife. but to her this was cheating. to me i only did it for the ego boost. regardless i feel horible about it because i know it was wrong.
I have always known that she gets men hitting on her almost every day but it never really bothered me because i trust her. but after she found out about me and my can of worms i found out that when she first started to feel like she wanted out of the relationship she started flirting back and even had lunch with one.
regardless of that she is still upset about my mistakes and she asked for complete 0 contact space so i have been doing my best but in the begining i kept breaking and doing the worst thing possible and i would text her practically begging her. i have since stopped but i still break every once in a while and talk to her family but it never leads anywhere because they wont tell me anything. so now i left to visit my sister in NY me and my wife are from california. so i feel like i cant give her anymore space then this. and last sat. i wanted to tell her i was in new york so i told her and during that conversation i asked if we could talk when i get back and she said yes but at the same time the rest of the conversation felt like it was all clues to her not feeling like she wants to work on our marrige so i feel like when i get home and talk to her its just so she can tell me she wants a divorce.
i am getting the impression that she does not even want to see a MC so I am feeling pretty hopeless. to me it feels like she doesnt realize that this is a marriage and that its not just a boyfriend/girlfriend situation. I feel like she should respect the vows she took and atleast try to make things work.
it [censored] i feel like she took it out of my hands and i am left with no way of fixing my marriage. she is so attractive that i know she will not have any trouble finding someone who will give her what she wants and i feel like an idiot for not being that person in the first place
Welcome to the board.
First of all get the DIVORCE REMEDY book and read it.
I am glad that you are realizing some of the changes that you should make, keep working on those and definitley no begging,pleading or pursuing her. She has asked you for space and you should give it to her.
For the moment you are on moderation,post in frequent short amounts and keep reading here while you wait for your posts to show up.
Soon you will be off of moderation.
Have you stopped talking to this girl?
We can help you if you will post often. But, nothing will work until you drop the OW for good. Trust me. Your connection with the OW was an emotional affair (not a can of worms) and what you said about your W not respecting the M vows?......
to me it feels like she doesnt realize that this is a marriage and that its not just a boyfriend/girlfriend situation. I feel like she should respect the vows she took and atleast try to make things work.
You need to own your part of the breakdown of the M, and I can tell ya.....this five-year EA of yours is what tore your M apart. So, are you still talking to the girl?
i know what i did was wrong but on the same level i dont think its anything worth getting a divorce. i do own up to it and no i dont talk to her.
my wife told me on Saturday she wanted a divorce and that she doesnt want to do anything to try to fix it. she said she wont go to MC. she just kept saying i have nothing left to put in and my heart is no longer in it.
shes not around to see my 180 or anything so i feel hopeless. all i want to do is just make her happy but she wont let me try.
i feel like i wont be able to sign any divorce papers untill she agrees to atleast see a MC a few times.
she is coming over today to do our taxes but it all feels so hopeless
It is not hopeless, but you must not discuss the marriage relationship (MR) with your W.....no matter how much you want to. Don't push for MC b/c right now she is not willing and it will not go well. Give her time to cool down and give her lots of space from you. No more contacting her unless it's an emergency.
Don't worry about her not seeing your 180's due to her not being with you. That gives you time to perfect your changes. She will hear through others about your changes. Remember, make the changes for you! Become the man any woman would be a fool to leave!
Sorry to hijack - Sandi can you take a look at Crazyvilles thread when you have some time? She's been in good hands lately but she could sure use some of your hard won perspective.
she is really pushing to get the papers signed so i feel like im running out of time but yes i was thinking about it yesterday and i dont want to go to counseling untill i feel like i have made more of my 180. the biggest problem is finding a job right now and i know thats one of the reasons she left. but i have been looking for quite a while before she left so her being gone doesnt speed up the process but it has encouraged me to apply to more than my standard positions. but i really dont want to be jobless when we go to counseling.
i also wanted to ask. should i refuse to sign divorce papers or should i just let her go. i feel like it wont be much more time till she is putting them in front of me.
so here is my latest update and its not good.
I have since decided to stop even trying to talk to her at all its almost my LRT but i think its part of my 180. but this happend last tuesday when she came to do taxes.
so after we did our taxes i coaxed her into talking a little and im sure it just pissed her off even more but at the time i really felt i needed some answers. i know it only set me back more now but i learned my lesson from it.
during our conversation she sais somthing that broke my heart to no end
Me: (trying to get her to do counseling) do you realize you are not handling this situation in the best way?
Her: i know im not doing it the right way but i just know i want a divorce.
Me: (silent but disappointed look on my face)
Her: I KNOW IM BEING HEARTLESS I JUST DONT CARE
Me: But you know you are not heartless you have never been a heartless person you never will be a heartless person its not in you to be a heartless person.
Her: (now crying about what i said) I just dont care anymore i dont want to be with you.
but she agreed that she maybe would do some counseling if it helped get the papers signed. but all that tells me is that she wont do it with an open mind. so im just laying of the subject for now.
So far the mornings are the hardest part for me waking up alone and waking up from dreams of me and her and our normal life.
i have been hitting the gym and doing some workouts at home although my looks have never been a problem for her. im really doing it for myself but what girl can argue about their man loosing weight and looking healthier. plus it helps keep her of my mind.
based off of what i know from her facebook is that she is already adding guys as friends and talking to them. so im trying not to even look at her profile anymore although i did see that she posted this video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qObnoWrEYPY&feature=shareso its really her telling me to let her go.
i just wish i could be so numb to this split as her but atleast i know im growing from it. while when i look at her she still has a lesson to learn
It is not hopeless, but you must not discuss the marriage relationship (MR) with your W.....no matter how much you want to. Don't push for MC b/c right now she is not willing and it will not go well. Give her time to cool down and give her lots of space from you.
What part of this did you not understand? You coaxed her into having a discussion about the R b/c you needed answers. But you did not get the answers you were looking for, right? You will not get them the next, either! She is a WAW and she will not do what you think she'll do.
If you are serious about wanting to save your M, then you've got to take this advice seriously.
If you insist on her going with you to MC, she will use that place & time to announce her getting D from you. So stop what you're doing!!
She said she doesn't want to be with you! Do you want to be with somebody who doesn't have feelings for you and despises to be around you?
Stop trying to control what she does or feels. Leave her alone. Stop looking on her FB. Get a life that does not include her.
She is a WAW and she will not do what you think she'll do.
In fact it means that she will do the OPPOSITE of what you think she might do.
That is why you can have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Yes you must LET HER GO,
because that is the only way that you might get her back.
DB'ing is counterintuitive, letting go does not mean pushing her away, it just means to leave her alone.
Hope that helps.
@sandi like i said that happened before i had this advice.
She is coming over tomorrow to get the rest of her things with her father. should i avoid being home when she gets here? should i pack some of her things for her to make it easier for her to get out quickly? should i be here so she has to feel the guilt of taking the rest of her things?
to me it feels like the guilt is the only thing she is battling right now. and idk what will happen as soon as she stops feeling guilty.
anyways so far from working out and eating much fewer calories i have lost about 15 lbs and you can really see it in my face. so im happy about that. the working out is one of the only times i stop thinking about her.
yesterday i also had a change of heart about school. i have been going for my engineering degree because it was something i could do and achieve fairly quickly. but it was more of a sacrifice i was making for my family because it was never something i really felt i would be happy doing everyday. so If i can get into the program ill be trying to get into the Physicians Assistant program.
i also ordered the book DR from amazon and ill read it as soon as it comes
Her: i know im not doing it the right way but i just know i want a divorce.
Me: (silent but disappointed look on my face)
Her: I KNOW IM BEING HEARTLESS I JUST DONT CARE
Me: But you know you are not heartless you have never been a heartless person you never will be a heartless person its not in you to be a heartless person.
Her: (now crying about what i said) I just dont care anymore i dont want to be with you.
can someone please help me understand what to take from this
can someone please help me understand what to take from this
She want to escape her real life. Her real life is M to you.
and what about her coming tomorrow to get the rest of her things which of the 3 options should i do
should i be here so she has to feel the guilt of taking the rest of her things?
to me it feels like the guilt is the only thing she is battling right now. and idk what will happen as soon as she stops feeling guilty.
Guilt usually doesn't work in the LBH's favor.
Taking her father along sounds, to me, as if she's using him as her support person. So, if you were to start in on her, he'd be there to shield her, so to speak.
IMHO, I think it would be best not to be there. A couple of reasons: It will tend to be very emotional for you, especially if you're watching her to see any signs of guilt or second thoughts to what she's doing. Her father will probably be playing watch dog, so that makes for a lot of extra tension between you two males. She will certainly have her guard up, which means she will appear to be angry....even if she sheds tears.
Ok ill get out of the house and let her reflect on her own as shes pulling things out. and i guess that answers my question about pre packing her stuff to make it easy on her. the reason i asked was because it would be a 180 on my part seeing that i have been trying to keep her here so the opposite of that would be packing her things for her. on the other hand packing could have a small chance in giving her second thoughts although its very unlikely.
just got a text from her reminding me that shes coming to pick up her stuff
It's hard to know what she may think while she's packing, however, if you are there, I think she will go as fast as she can in order to avoid anything from you. I think if she knew you would be gone and she had all the time she needed, she would go slower, and therefore, good memories would stand a better chance.
If you packed for her, she would go through everything to make sure it was there. Don't be surprised when you get home and see a lot more gone than you expected. And, that would be the only reason I'd even suggest staying, was if you thought she'd take more than she should. I have seen some who literally dug up the rose bushes in the yard!
A real 180 would be to text her and tell her that you'll be gone and won't be home until late. So she'll have all the time she needs. I think she would be shocked, b/c she's expecting you to put up resistance. Like I said before, there is a reason she's taking daddy with her.
ok so her stuff is now gone and its pretty depressing.
I guess it was her, her father, her uncle, and her sister that all came to help. a little excessive for the stuff that she took.
she left wedding photos but took our hunnymoon photos??????? i just don't get her sometimes. my sister in law was here to let her in because they still get along. she was talking to my w's sister and she asked how is she doing? her sister said shes sad thats shes doing this to him but other than that shes ok.
I guess it was her, her father, her uncle, and her sister that all came to help. a little excessive for the stuff that she took.
Yes, she brought her family army for backup.
You need to have things planned that will keep you out of the house and busy. Don't stay there drowning in memories or "what may have been".
i have no one to do anything with
Hard you have yourself to do things with. I know how u feel but things will look better soon. Think of things you want to do? You are stronger than you feel right now. Remember who you once were? Don't let the depression take a hold of you. Keep reading and posting
No family, no friends, no coworkers, no neighbors, nobody? Maybe it's time to step out of the comfort zone and make new friends. In the meantime, look into volunteering for some organizations or individual things that are important to you, go to events, placs, do hobbies, shop, whatever it takes to stay busy.
There was a man on the board not long ago that really had nobody but his W and baby. He had no job and knew nobody where he had moved. After W left him, he looked around where he lived and noticed several elderly people he could help with shoveling snow off the steps, and things like that. It helped his depression by focusing on others who needed help. Just a thought.
im out of work. all my friends are married or in a relationship. my family is usually busy. my previous life was a high school student so right now im just very lost. everything that is important to me has walked out the door and the anxiety i have keeps me from doing things alone
she left a blanket that our cat likes so i was thinking of sending a text saying Thank you for leaving the blanket for Terrence I appreciate that. Its nice to see your caring side of you again.
is that last part too much
im going to assume its too much then since nobody has answered and just not send it for now
I wouldn't send it. Especially not the last sentence. Leaving a blanket doesn't sound like much to be so thankful for so it sounds more like an excuse to reach out to her. The last sentence sounds like trying to make her feel guilty. Are you following the 37 rules?
You mentioned in your first post how awful it is to have this out of your control. The best thing about DBing is that it gives you back control - but only over those things which you can control. You'll feel a lot better when you're working on yourself.
Can you tackle that anxiety? Get treated for it, try breaking out of your comfort zone and experiencing small successes, try meditation or exercise or whatever helps?
What's your job search focus? Can you do an unpaid internship for a short term to get some resume material and experience? Can you volunteer at a charity to pick up some experience and contacts?
Do whatever it takes to get your focus off of her and on improving yourself. She won't come back because she feels guilty, but she might come back if she sees a strong responsible thriving new you that is attractive to her. And if that doesn't bring her back, you still have all those improvements to help you have a great future even if it's without her. Your sitch is still very new - take a look around the forum and you'll see how long some others have been at this. It's called the gift of time - use it for yourself.
Do whatever it takes to get your focus off of her and on improving yourself. She won't come back because she feels guilty, but she might come back if she sees a strong responsible thriving new you that is attractive to her. And if that doesn't bring her back, you still have all those improvements to help you have a great future even if it's without her. Your sitch is still very new - take a look around the forum and you'll see how long some others have been at this. It's called the gift of time - use it for yourself.
This is really important!! It takes time..
H2BH -
NOW is the time to stop communicating with her! You have a small chance at getting her back - if ever so listen to what people are telling you.
Do not call her or text her....click "ignore" and live YOUR life.
Luv
My heart goes out to u. This is the most painful part. Look up relaxation techniques (ie breathing exercises). Also, take walks. Being outdoors helps minimize the depression. One person journals at a coffee shop! Make a list of things you can do.
Best of luck to you. Focus on you now and not her. This is your time to heal and grieve the loss of your best friend.
i have come to really appreciate this forum i know all the 37 rules following them is hard but i really do try to stick to them i have not really talked to her. i left before she showed up to take her things and when she text's me i keep it very simple usually yes or no.
i do really appreciate the fact that she left the blanket i know it sounds stupid but my cat really does love it and i know its her blanket.. she took everything else that is hers so it was nice that she thought about our cat. i didnt send anything and ill continue to just not talk to her.
my job search is pretty much anything customer service although the few interviews i have had lately as much as i try to seem my normal upbeat self i think the depression is showing through.
i have taken up exercise and i do some form every day.
i go to school monday and wed. and when im there im usually pretty good.
im just really trying to detach right now its my main focus i dont even want any hope that we will get back together right now because all it does is keep me attached. the thought of her and another guy while im still attached to her kills me and i just really want to be moved on before it gets to that.
I woke up like 5 times last night because of dreams of her and another guy.
I cant live like that....
my anxiety has always been there but this whole thing has kicked it into overdrive. dealing with it and the depression is my biggest challenge. I know i can overcome it without medicine so i refuse to take drugs for it. i have thought about a therapist but i feel like talking to anyone helps enough (especially my grandmother) so i don't have the desire to pay for talking. if it gets bad enough ill consider it.
When will you know if it's bad enough. There's no shame in taking care of yourself, and you don't get bonus points for getting through this without professional help.
when it goes more than a couple days of straight wallowing. i usually have a few good days then one really depressing day if she says something to me or i hear from somebody that talks to her.
i woke up fine today had a dream about myself no her involved i got up much sooner than i normally do and took a shower. its a little weird seeing the closet empty. but other than that i feel little to no depression today. i don't know what tomorrow holds but 1 day at a time for me right now.
im still just focusing on detaching right now. its still my main goal.
i have school today so it should help keep my mind off of things.
i guess i spoke a little to soon. she changed her FB status to separated.
She sent me a text today saying... I'm going to ask you 1 more time are you going to sign. the process will be easier and less expensive please let me know...
what should i do.
First off, take a deep breath. Now take your phone and shut it completely off. Don't let it tether you to her. Do that first.
Next thing you need to do is get your b@lls back from your W. Do that by calming yourself and letting go of the things that you can't control.
You say that you have no one to hang out with, no friends available, etc. Then go out for a run. Meditate. Read. Do whatever it takes to purge your W out from your system right now.
She's pressing you for a D. YOU have the right to not do what she wants. Her needs are no more important than yours. Calm yourself and take back control of YOUR life.
so dont even reply to her?
thanks for that video
its very inspirational
Nope. You can answer her when YOU are ready. Feel around your neck. Do you feel a leash on it? No? Then it's time you learned she's not your owner.
If she gets pissed about you not answering, that's her issue. You can tell her that your phone was off, or that you didn't get the message, or whatever. Point is that you are your own man. You made mistakes, well so did she. She's not completely blameless. But you need to get your confidence back.
Right now I hear you debating in your posts about the things you can't do, etc. BS. If you don't have friends, make some, volunteer, do something. If you prefer to be alone, then do something introspective. Something that will break the cycle.
You don't need to jump through the hoops that she's holding.
the only reason i asked is will this ruin any chances of an amicable divorce and possibly working it out later down the road. she is not going to back down from the divorce thing.
also i feel like im gunna loose the only chance of getting her to go to MC and possibly IC.
before this, i had asked her about it and she said are you going to sign the papers if i do this. and it pissed me off so all i said was im not going to make it an ultimatum.
but at the same time i really dont want this to end with 0 counseling.
Now is definitely not the time for C. If you force her to go it will make things worse. It makes you sound controlling or bargaining. The time isn't right.
Stop depending on her in your sitch and focus on you.
MrBond is right. Take time to do you. College is a great place to Get A Life. I know b/c I spent 7 years at 4 different colleges to get a BS. There is always some activity like a movie, or magic show, or live music, or intermural golf, basket weaving. Whatever. Just do something.
Find a study buddy or a study group in one of your classes.
Take MrBonds advice, turn the phone off. You are not ready. Nothing good will come of a D talk now. You will not change her mind today. MC will not change her mind today. There is no quick fix. Talking is not the answer. All of your talking has just sped things right along hasn't it?
Take this time. Regroup. Find yourself. Start doing for YOU.
so i got the divorce recovery book yesterday and I finished reading it this morning. unfortunately for me i feel like Im forced straight into the LRT and my wife has already shut the door on our marriage. so i feel like there is very little hope. I wont give up just yet but i dont want to give my self a false since of things but ill continue to "act as if".
she is going this weekend to Washington with her family to visit some other family (someone is sick) I didn't get much info on it but she told me a while ago and I just remembered.
this will be the first time she is really getting away and is not filling her life with work. so i think she may now have time to really reflect.(i hope)
I know it doesnt seem like it but i really have been taking all of your advice. I continue to do things for myself and not because i think they will bring her back but because they make me feel good and things that i want to do for me.
I can see why you all keep pushing the fact, because all i do when i come on the forums is talk about her or my sitch. but what im really trying to do is get help reading her actions and words. so i know what to do with them.
if you had not told me to not reply to her i would have said something smart @ss like or something pushing MC.
i have a question about spending money at this point. we have not filed or at least i have not heard of her filing. so am i free to buy things for my self. I have been wanting a new set of Beats by Dre headphones.
My question is if and when we do go through divorce do my purchases or what i do with my money matter before the divorce is filed. we have separate checking and a shared savings.
is it illegal for me to touch our savings account money if we are still legally married and not legally separated. if i withdraw some money from my checking am i still accountable for it when the time comes. Im sure i can pay a lawyer to help me with this but im hoping someone on here may have the answer for me. im not looking to hide my money or anything i just dont want to spend any on anything and then still be accountable.
another reason is some of my friends have been talking about taking a trip to vegas and i want to go but if i loose money gambling or something in this sitch that im in. i dont know what the repercussions are.
Im not afraid of what my wife thinks but i am afraid of what a judge might think.
I know nothing of LEGAL matters.
That said, I will tell you what I think about the money.
Do what you want with your personal acct. The joint savings on the other hand...that is touchy. It probably deserves a discusion with her.
If you want to speed up the D, go ahead and take the savings money to Vegas.
I think you should go. But not with joint money.
Hopefully MrBond will weigh in on a tactful and timely way to aproach the money.
well i dont want to spend the joint money. I actually took it out so she doesnt use it to hire an attorney. she may think im doing somthing else but thats fine. she doesnt have a lot in her checking account so i know if she had to she would use our joint savings to pay for her attorney fees. so im taking that option from her
Does that make you feel good?
Do you think you will get a good reaction?
You CAN'T control her. She will see this as an attemt to do so. It is, isn't it?
I strongly suggest you put back half. That is fair, is it not? If you and a friend, for some reason, had an acct would you just take all the money b/c they did some things you don't like?
As a friend, I'm telling you, no good will come of this. You will just look like a jerk. I know you want to make more time. I'm right there with you. I see this action as shortening your window bud. Use the time you have to be a good person. The man only a fool would leave.
I know im not supposed to snoop but i couldnt help myself. seriously the things she has been telling me never add up. I feel bad for snooping but its what i did.
well she had sent a message to her sister talking about her her mom is upset with her and that she is starting to become suspicious of what she is telling her the reasons she left me. and it turns out there is an OM..
this pisses me off because she is making me out to be the bad person and the reason why our marriage failed when she is the one with the affair. and the fact that she would get so upset with my EA and make me feel so horrible about it.
Idk what to do. now that i know im not really interested in the details. so first step is to stop snooping. 2nd step is where im lost
and i put back half into the checking, i dont think she even noticed that it was ever gone. she doesnt check her account every day
I'm a guilty snooper. It just messes with your head. Let it go. As best you can. Letting her know that you know will probably just blow up in your face. You will be caught red handed at your snooping. You thought you wanted to know but now you are not so sure, right?
Next step is GAL. Dig deep to find your faults. Stick to the 37 rules. Get your swagger back. Look your best. Be your best. You can do it.
im at the point of why should i care anymore. she obviously doesnt want to be with me at all. she has moved on with this other guy. but no im not upset i that i know now. im glad because it takes some of the guilt off of me. she makes me feel like i was so bad but her actions are not any better
it all kind of falls into place now, i mean her behavior had red flags all over it and now it all makes sense.
H2bH step back and take a deep breath. The first thing you need to do is STOP SNOOPING! You keep telling us that you aren't going to do it anymore but you still are snooping! The second thing you need to do is own up to the fact that you an EA for 5 years. You need to see that from your W's perspective. The fact that your W may have an OM is not the reason she wants a D it is a symptom of your M.
IMHO you need help ASAP. It is time for you to go to a psychiatrist or a counselor. There is absolutely no shame in getting the much needed help for yourself and taking some medication is not a sign of weakness at all. I can tell from your posts that your emotions are all over the map. It is ok for you to grieve and feel hurt do not keep these feeling bottled up.
Why don't you set a limit for the grieving and hurt after which you are going to be tougher on yourself.
Right now I would refrain from contacting her. You know there was a reason for her leaving use this separation as an opportunity for you. Your M is just one part of your life and you know you have many other things to be grateful for. Remember that you can not control so stop trying to. You are not incomplete with her. It's time for you to look forward to the future and dream of doing new things. regain your personal power because it will make you look, act and feel more desirable than ever.
If you challenge yourself to improve yourself and do what you love the more impressed everyone is going to be with the way you're handling your sitch and I'll bet your W will get wind of it.
As far as the money sitch goes I just got off the phone with a L and I was advised to get my own checking account. We currently have a joint savings/checking account. I was also advised to go to my bank and talk with them about requiring both signatures so that the accounts cannot be cleaned out. My advice to you is to contact a L immediately so you know your rights. The consultation is free and very helpful. You need to protect yourself at a time when you are most vulnerable. The L even told me to change the locks on the house once she moves out so that my W does not have free reign to come in and clean me out when I'm not home after all he said I can't come and go as I please to her new residence. In order for her to have access to the house she would have to take me to court. So please take my advice, protect yourself! I've given you a lot to think about. I'll check back later.
well i did stop snooping i only did it that once. i think its ok for my emotions to be up and down when it seems like everyday something happens or goes on. i know its not the reason she wants a divorce but im sure it plays into why she wouldn't want to work on our marriage.
and MY EA is hardly an EA you all probably dont believe it but the extent of our conversations had very little depth. usually it was just funny quotes from tv shows or a comment about someones previous post.
the fact that my wife would be going on dates with an OM and tell me the reason she wants a divorce is because i talked to another woman is what pisses me off.
and MY EA is hardly an EA you all probably dont believe it but the extent of our conversations had very little depth. usually it was just funny quotes from tv shows or a comment about someones previous post.
the fact that my wife would be going on dates with an OM and tell me the reason she wants a divorce is because i talked to another woman is what pisses me off.
Maybe she finds it hard to believe you would continue a R with a woman who just discussed funny quotes.
"and tell me the reason she wants a divorce is because i talked to another woman is what pisses me off."
There is truth to that. You don't see it because you are not a woman. Women see communication like that as cheating or at least alot of them.
While I'm sure she blew many things out of proportion, mine sure did, make a note of that.
What have you found out about her relationship with the OM?
yeah i know she told me she thinks its just as bad as cheating but i think thats rediculous.
as for the OM i know nothing and i might be a long while before i find anything out since she is keeping it very secret.
today she called me and she was pissed about the savings account. not the way i wanted our first conversation to go after not talking to her for weeks. but i guess that was my fault for taking half out anyways but id rather be safe than sorry. she asked me again if im going to sign the papers and i told her i dont know what i want to do yet. she also made a comment about how I am the one who cant have an adult conversation.
my sitch is so ugly. im seriously just done with it i really dont see this ending in any other way other than divorce. the only dicision i am having trouble with is do i sign them or do i force her to take me to court to get the divorce?
"but i think thats rediculous."
Doesn't matter what you think.
"i know nothing and i might be a long while before i find anything out since she is keeping it very secret."
Then why did you say that she is seeing an OM?
"do i force her to take me to court to get the divorce?"
What do you want? Have you had a L take a look at the paperwork? If not, do that. Then tell her that you are having your legal counsel look through everything to be sure you're not being screwed. Then don't answer her.
my sitch is so ugly. im seriously just done with it i really dont see this ending in any other way other than divorce. the only dicision i am having trouble with is do i sign them or do i force her to take me to court to get the divorce?
It is only ugly becuase you are letting her dictate how you see this.
She is mad at you for protecting yourself?
Or that she didn't think of it first?
While she is seeing another man you don't have a marriage so get that through your head.
And you're done?
Ok you're done.
How does it feel? Like someone kicked you in the jimmy? Like someone is dictating your life to you?
Like a victim?
Throw in the towel H2H cause you're done if you keep talking like that and letting her get to you.
Do you want to sign the papers? Is that what your vows meant to you?
"I will love and honor you all the days of my life until I am seriously done. Then I won't."
What do you want? What do you believe? What do you value? If you sign the papers will the guy in the mirror look like a better man to you?
One you admire and want to emulate?
Or the guy your W sees right now?
You are only THAT guy if you choose to be.
If you let her convince you of something you don't know yourself.
Would you respect a man that would allow that to happen?
If you don't know yourself it might be time to figure that out and stand up for that guy.
What's it gonna be?
my sitch is so ugly. im seriously just done with it i really dont see this ending in any other way other than divorce. the only dicision i am having trouble with is do i sign them or do i force her to take me to court to get the divorce?
It is only ugly becuase you are letting her dictate how you see this.
She is mad at you for protecting yourself?
Or that she didn't think of it first?
While she is seeing another man you don't have a marriage so get that through your head.
And you're done?
Ok you're done.
How does it feel? Like someone kicked you in the jimmy? Like someone is dictating your life to you?
Like a victim?
Throw in the towel H2H cause you're done if you keep talking like that and letting her get to you.
Do you want to sign the papers? Is that what your vows meant to you?
"I will love and honor you all the days of my life until I am seriously done. Then I won't."
What do you want? What do you believe? What do you value? If you sign the papers will the guy in the mirror look like a better man to you?
One you admire and want to emulate?
Or the guy your W sees right now?
You are only THAT guy if you choose to be.
If you let her convince you of something you don't know yourself.
Would you respect a man that would allow that to happen?
If you don't know yourself it might be time to figure that out and stand up for that guy.
What's it gonna be?
I dont want to sign the papers because i dont believe in divorce under any cercumstance. so signing it makes me feel like i am agreeing with it. we dont have many assets to split there is no real need for a L at this time.
im saying its ugly because anyone who could really get a clear picture of my sitch would say yes its not good.
i know that while shes seeing an OM that i have no marriage thats a part of why its so ugly.
all i know is that she is seeing someone i dont know who or how long. thats what i ment by i know nothing.
im trying to move on with my life. I still have feelings for her so its whats holding me back.
I dont want to sign the papers because i dont believe in divorce under any cercumstance.
OK sounds like this might be a core value to you?
You do realize that if she wants to divorce you she has a right to so hanging your own value on that outcome...
...might be self defeating?
YOU are NOT your W's choices.
It is not important what other people say about your sitch or whether its "ugly" it's only important that you see the reality of it and how you choose to react or handle it.
im trying to move on with my life. I still have feelings for her so its whats holding me back.
And the only question now is how you will choose to do that.
As a victim of your W's choices
Or
As a man who made his own, lived them no matter what his W was choosing or not choosing.
A man who decided to be "ugly"
Or
A man who looked in the mirror and decided to NOT be ugly?
It is not what your W chooses
It is what YOU do with what she chooses that will make all the difference here H2H.
It is not in her action...
BUT
in YOUR reaction that your salvation lies.
I still have feelings for her so its whats holding me back.
The prisons are full of people who acted on emotions/feelings.
Choose instead on who you are and what you believe.
DO you have any idea who that guy is? How about describing him?
I dont want to sign the papers because i dont believe in divorce under any cercumstance.
OK sounds like this might be a core value to you?
You do realize that if she wants to divorce you she has a right to so hanging your own value on that outcome...
...might be self defeating?
YOU are NOT your W's choices.
It is not important what other people say about your sitch or whether its "ugly" it's only important that you see the reality of it and how you choose to react or handle it.
im trying to move on with my life. I still have feelings for her so its whats holding me back.
And the only question now is how you will choose to do that.
As a victim of your W's choices
Or
As a man who made his own, lived them no matter what his W was choosing or not choosing.
A man who decided to be "ugly"
Or
A man who looked in the mirror and decided to NOT be ugly?
It is not what your W chooses
It is what YOU do with what she chooses that will make all the difference here H2H.
It is not in her action...
BUT
in YOUR reaction that your salvation lies.
I still have feelings for her so its whats holding me back.
The prisons are full of people who acted on emotions/feelings.
Choose instead on who you are and what you believe.
DO you have any idea who that guy is? How about describing him?
I dont think i ever posted anything about myself feeling ugly...
you tell me not to hang my values on it, but then you tell me to choose on who i am and what i believe...
how about instead of telling me what my obvious choices are you can just give words of advice.
like advice on whether i should just say yes ill sign the divorce papers so we leave with the least headache and least money spent. or do I stick to my vows, morals, and beliefs and refuse to sign anything.
H2H what Truegritter is asking you to do is is to take a long hard LOOK at YOURSELF. You cannot control your W actions. It's clear that you want to stand for your M and that's great but what good is it going to do YOU to not sign the D papers IF she has you served? All you will be doing is making it a long drawn out process and getting a D doesn't necessisarily mean that you will never have a R with your W ever again.
As far as Truegritter's ugly comment goes I believe that he is referring to the way you are handling your sitch right now. You are saying that you think it's BS that your W thinks that you talking to another woman is cheating. Those are your W's feelings and you cannot tell her that her feelings are wrong. Anytime you talk with her and she brings that up all you can do is validate her feelings and tell her that you were wrong.
You also said that your W has said that you cannot have an adult conversation. Since we don't what you are saying to her in those conversations the advice I can give you is this, if you are not ready to discuss a D right now you should tell her. An example might be this, W: Are you going to sign the papers or make this difficult? H2H: Right now I'm not ready to have this discussion when I am ready I will let you know.
I would be willing to bet that right now you are acting out fear,anger and frustration and that is the wrong way to handle the sitch. You need to choose your words very carefully when you speak to her. If she says something that you don't like don't let your emotions take over pause for a minute before you speak so you don't speak out of anger.
Please take another look at what Truegritter has asked you and begin working on yourself that is first and foremost. I also suggest that you search out bustorama's threads and read them. He successfully busted his D but he really made changes to himself. His threads are probably some of the best on the board and full of advice. I'll be checking in on you to see how you are making out.
she doesn't want to have me served she went and got the papers herself and shes filling them out without any L's involved and shes asking if im going to sign them. we have not sat down and discussed anything about it and its frustrating me that shes asking me to sign something i have not even read or seen.
i told her this and she said we have not talked because i cant have an adult conversation. We have not had many conversations since she left only about 2 in the beginning and that was when i was very much in the begging and perusing stage. so i know where she gets the idea that i cant have an adult conversation.
she said we could go sit down and talk about it and fill the papers out together but i still dont feel ready for that so i told her and she said ok well call me when you are ready and hung up on me.
today she asked me about some bowling stuff she left. i told her i would look for it and i started some light conversation about her trip she took to visit a sick uncle. (im hoping to convey that i can have an adult conversation and she doesn't need to feel like every time she talks to me im going to talk about our sitch). i took the fact that she texted me about something other than the divorce as a opportunity to show this even though this goes against my 180 LRT
Wrong thing to say. You don't make it a joint decision. You should have told her that you are going to have a L look into it to be sure you're protected and that's it.
Show that YOU are taking charge of what's going on.
I dont think i ever posted anything about myself feeling ugly...
you tell me not to hang my values on it, but then you tell me to choose on who i am and what i believe...
how about instead of telling me what my obvious choices are you can just give words of advice.
like advice on whether i should just say yes ill sign the divorce papers so we leave with the least headache and least money spent. or do I stick to my vows, morals, and beliefs and refuse to sign anything.
I did not mean you did. You described the situation. When I said you're looking in the mirror I did not mean physical appearence but that you have atributed what you believe as "ugly" on your situation...
Which you have control over. Yes YOU do.
I could tell you what I would do in your situation but that would be the same as your wife dictating your fate by HER choice
Because it didn't come from you...
And who you decide to be in the face of this tragedy.
THAT is the question. I am sorry if I offended you I did not intend that and it is not my way.
H2H we were all raw when we came here.
I am here to help, not to offend. Sometimes the rhetoric is blunt.
Sometimes it needs to be. If you feel a sting?
Take a good hard look at it is my advice. I have no axe to grind.
Leo hit it on the head.
Read what I wrote again please.
I did not see a state mentioned, but I know in mine (and many others) there is nothing you have to do until your separated for a period of time (usually a 6 month to a year). You can do ED (Equitable Distribution or Equal distribution depending on the state), and resolve alimony either through a separation agreement or file court claims after a separation happens. In many states one party moving out without the consent of the other is "abandonment", and at-fault divorce cause. On the joint accounts, if your spouse moves out it looks better if split the money and close the account, or leave it untouched. Be as financially responsible as possible.
Sorry California.
well im just kinda lost right now. I have now idea what is best for my sitch besides just living my life. I just feel like im ignoring the elephant in the room everyday.
just a little update nothing has changed. except her now using her maiden name. other than that my sitch is the same. i still havent talked to her really. I ran into her at a restaurant she was there with friends from work for someones birthday i was there with my friends. She tried to act like she didnt see me at first then i waved and she gave me a fake smile and wave. i decided i would leave.
she texted me about her mail. i haven't responded because i dont care if she ever gets her mail right now. its hard for me to be nice to her right now. i know its her mail but that doesnt mean im responsible for getting it to her
today she unfriended me on facebook and asked me to give her mail to her friend and so i asked why she unfriended me and she said to me thats just how it is and she doesnt need to give me a reason why. so i told her not to ask me for favors then.
H2bh, you are going thru so much. Me too, My h. dropped bomb 1/12/12. Today, i went to see final l. to do final property settlement neg. I'm out in next two weeks. He is done. Do I still have hope? Yes, time, time, time. In my state, you can do this in 3 months. Not much time for d'bing. I look to a very distant future with him. In the meantime, I will work on me. It is a lot of detachment. I can't control him. I can only control myself and maybe think sometime in future he can see me as the person he fell in love with. If not, I have to look out for myself and know I will be ok. You need to look at big picture. Hope this helps. I'm new to this too.
papers were served to me yesterday...