Starting my third thread…Here are the links to the first 2.
Part 1:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2214104#Post2214104Part 2:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2219978#Post2219978Well, H is back from Vegas. He’s very sick, and I’m working on being “Nurse Ronnie”. He thanked me this morning on his way out for the medicine and sick foods that I got yesterday. But I’m definitely feeling the distance. Had me a good cry about it this morning, but I’m okay now.
For some reason, I feel like I’m starting the whole DBing thing over again. I know he’s noticing the changes in me, even if he hasn’t said anything. But every time he comes back from out of town, it’s like the alien invasion all over again.
I feel SO good about the changes. I’m no longer a big complainer. I’m not sweating the small stuff. And for once, I don’t feel like I’m walking on egg shells around him. This is the new me. It’s becoming more natural. I’m enjoying laughing again. Laughing FOR REAL that is.
But…I’m also thinking that with the pressure off him to hide the OW, he’s feeling freer to continue. Which makes me think he’s nowhere close to ending it with her. So now, I feel like I’m just treading water, waiting for the other shoe to drop – he’s moving out. He hasn’t mentioned it, and neither have I. And unless he has money hidden somewhere (that will be a miracle!), he doesn’t have any money to move out. At least not until we get our taxes done, which I’m not in a hurry to do because I will owe money, and he probably will too. He hasn’t asked about getting them done since a few weeks ago. I really hadn’t planned on filing until April since I’m going to owe.
I started reading DR again yesterday. (Is it in ebook form yet? I couldn’t find it on my Nook Color, and it would be so much easier to read it there, than trying to hide the book from H.)
So my goals for this week are:
1. GAL – Go to Curves & Kickboxing (this depends on how much I’ll need to play nursemaid. I can work out at home if need be)
2. Go to Bible Study on Wednesday.
3. Act as if – try to keep the crying to a minimum, and don’t ask ANYTHING about OW. (I was getting so good at this. Now it’s like I can’t stop. Hence, starting over)
4. Buy new clothes this weekend, including new undergarments.
One of my friends sent me an email while I was out of the office on Friday. She said she was cleaning her email and came across this beautiful picture. I scroll down and it’s a picture of H and I at our wedding reception. We are both smiling and look so in love. I resisted the urge to send it to H with the caption – Remember? :-(
Hey, RoRo, sounds like you're doing great work, probably better than you know. A couple of quick suggestions - I'd switch your GAL priorities around. That is, playing nursemaid depends on how much you plan to go to Curves and Kickboxing. This isn't mean or selfish, it's balanced, healthy relating.
Second, how are you planning to respond if he says he's moving out? Think about what he expects you to say and do, he probably has a clear expectation and it's probably negative. It is a great DB opportunity to give him something different - more calm, confident, even playful - that can really challenge his beliefs about you. What do you want to say, and how do you want to say it? Have you ever been on stage? You rehearsed your lines, and your blocking, so that when the lights were on and the audience in place you could present your character with conviction! Rehearse this!
My hope is that you'll not have to "perform" this, but being prepared gives you confidence and, ironically, makes it less likely that you'll need to! Hang in there, you can do this!
Chuck, thanks for your comments. I have rehearsed in my head over and over some of what I'll say if he does in fact say he's moving out. Basically something like, "Ok. I understand you feel this is something you need to do for you, and I can respect that. But know that I don't think this is the best way to go about things. I still believe our M can be saved." I still haven't gotten all of the words down.
I'm not sure I can be playful about this topic, because it will HURT. I do plan to be calm and collected. Then I'll head to the shower for a good cry because I know I will need it.
is the last part of that pursuing? (.. still think M can be saved)
is the last part of that pursuing? (.. still think M can be saved)
I just think it's the truth. I wouldn't asking/begging him to stay. Just that I think we can work through our issues and remain M. Maybe I can rephrase it somehow if/when I need to actually say it. Any ideas?
I don't think it's pursuing. I would say what you wrote and without taking a breath, add something like "I wish you all the best". That makes it end without looking like you want a response.
I don't think it's pursuing. I would say what you wrote and without taking a breath, add something like "I wish you all the best". That makes it end without looking like you want a response.
I like it Brian. Although, I'll be lying through my teeth. LOL
Hopefully, I won't need to do this! But I'll be prepared anyway. (well on the outside anyway)
Remember, he only gets to see the outside! And often, our actions challenge our own negative beliefs and we find strength we didn't know we had. btw, the end does sound like some pursuit, even if it's true. I'd go more with Brian's suggestion.
been there..... done that.
Agree with 111, Its pursuing if you try to get him to see it your way, or try to get him to agree to give your M a try before he leaves or gives it up.
I'd rather say something like: "I believe our M can still be saved. But if its your choice to leave, and not give it one last try, I will respect your wishes, and wish you the best".
Oftentimes, the WAW, unless they are really determined to leave, doesn't like it when they have to take sole responsibility for the choice to abandon the M. During the time my H had his EA, I felt that he did things on purpose so that I would find out, and be the one to initiate a D. Whenever I would push the choice to his side, and make him the responsible party, he refused to make the move.
One thing though I made clear: there was no halfway measures. He moves out of the house, then its a divorce, no looking back. No trying out an alternate life then running back to me if he wasn't happy or if it did not work out.
Good luck roro. I know it's hard to hear. Maybe you can mentally prepare for this. Do something fun/ny before and/or after this. When my H talks about separating our bills and our future apart, I just roll w the punches. I've gotten the nerve to say "ok!" with a smile on my face as if he just said, I'll go pick up dinner for us.
Remember it reversable
. Hope that helps
Thanks Chuck & Angel. In my wording I think because I put it last you guys took that as pursuing. Really it's just me stating what I believe. Wouldn't have been done in any kind of pleading or begging voice.
Angel, I liked how you worded it. I may just say that word for word. I think H wants me to initiate too since I'm normally the one who gets upset and makes decisions based on that. But I'm not. If he wants to leave, it'll be HIS decision. I've already told him that.
I've been thinking about the halfway thing too. I kinda feel how you felt about it. I'm normally a black and white kind of person. DB has brought more gray in my life, but I don't think I can be gray about this.
So H is still ill. Made sure he had soup and meds last night and let him get some rest. Which meant I pretty much stayed to myself. This is probably the first night we haven't watched TV together or anything in 3 weeks. This is also the first night in about as long that he was on his ipad most of the night (this was/is how he and OW communicate). Not saying that there's a correlation there. I just know when we're not spending time together this is what happens. (This was a major issue in our M. We would spend every evening in separate rooms; H would be up late doing whatever on his ipad, and I would go to bed alone.) I was kind of annoyed about it, but got over it rather quickly. I read some old threads and some of Rachel Clark's articles on the Psychology Today website.
I also did something I haven't done in a long time. I turned to the music channels on cable and danced by myself for about 30 mins. That was my workout and it was fun! I needed that!
He's still been distant, but like I said that could be because he's sick. We haven't been talking or laughing like we had been before Vegas. It still seems like he's back deep into the fog like in the beginning. I'm not sure what to do now: go back to what I was doing before the Vegas trip - watching TV with him, talking to him about my day when he asks, etc.; or try something different.
P.S. Does anyone know a spell to make OW disappear? LOL
Journaling...just had to get this down. It isn't really making any sense to me. Maybe I'm in the middle of a hormonal imbalance of some sort. LOL
I am feeling the strangest way ever today.
It's been soooo long where I haven't let myself really feel it, that at first I didn't recognize it. But gosh, I am really feeling in love with my H today. Not because he did anything, or I even did anything to provoke him into doing anything. I just love that man. Even though he's acting like an idiot right now.
Why????? Even after the OW, I still do. Something has got to be wrong with me.
*DETACH, DETACH, DETACH* Yeah, I know.
You love him because you choose to. You want to be with him. That is why you are here fighting for your M! It's ok to feel that way. You did the right thing by coming here and posting it. You are doing good Ro. Keep it up. We are all praying for you daily!
Brian
Thanks for the Rachel Clark reference. Great reading.
I've had the same feelings Ro. Just because your H let his feelings about the M dwindle, doesn't mean *your* heart got that memo.
There is nothing wrong with being in love with your H. It's what you're *supposed* to feel.
Good thing you came here to get it off your chest
labug - I actually got the idea from an old post here, but can't remembet who. I was reading those blog posts like OMG! Is she peeking through my windows? Good stuff!
Purg - It just caught me off guard today. Made me feel like the idiot instead of him.
Well, H is in the living room laying on the couch and I'm in the bedroom. I just didn't feel like sitting in there right now...maybe later. He doesn't have "shark eyes", he has a "shark spirit". Not sure what happened over the weekend with him, but he's a completely different person now. Not mean or anything, just HERE.
He is sick, but what's the difference between me being sick last week and him this week? I still at least said hello when he came into the house. I just came in from church, and he just looked at me and turned his head. He wasn't even like that after the first bomb. It's just weird that we went from laughing and joking to whatever this is in the span of a weekend.
Is this the beginning of my "it gets worse before it gets better"? I haven't said anything about the OW since he got back from his trip. Could he be feeling guilty about the trip. Or should I just chalk it up to being sick?
And I'm assuming I shouldn't go sit in there with him. That's one thing I thought was my "do what works", but maybe it wasn't. *shrug*
Here's a portion of the lyrics to one of my favorite songs. Google and listen to it at your own risk....
Peace of Mind
By Lauryn Hill
He says it's impossible, but I know it's possible
He says it's improbable, but I know it's tangible
He says it's not grabable, but I know it's haveable
'Cause anything is possible...Oh, anything is possible...
Journaling...
I'm going between angry and sad today. Angry at my H for his A. Sad that because of his A (and my old habits), my M very well could end.
I'm also very tired today. I slept last night, but not that well. H is still sick, and gets choked in his sleep, so every time he would wake up, so would I.
I did get some GALing in last night: church & a Special Olympics conference call. I still feel like doing NOTHING alot of the time. Or just sleeping...I can't seem to get enough sleep. But I'm making myself do some things. Which I guess is the point of GALing.
On H's way out this morning, I got the hug and kiss on the cheek (he has germs so no mouth kisses! UGH!), and an I love you. He looks so sad sometimes. Makes me want to hug and kiss him to death like I used to do, and tell him it will be okay. (But I won't because it doesn't go with DB principles and what I'm trying to do)
Still, I'm feeling as if I'm starting over or not doing something right as far as DBing goes. Maybe I need to make another goal list or small positives list of things I want to see happen. Isn't that how some people do it?
As far as GALing - Hopefully next week, my energy level will be back to normal and I can get back to working out for real. As I said before I tend to be an overachiever, so maybe I just need to give myself some slack and say if I workout once next week, that's better than nothing. Otherwise, I know I'll feel like a failure for not doing my regular 4 - 5 days a week.
Just sent an email with questions on setting up my first DB coaching session!
Still feeling some kind of way today. I've been on the verge of tears like 3 times. CRAZY! Maybe it is hormones!
I also took a walk with one of my co-workers today, just to get out of the office. Something I never would have done. It must have been divine intervention. Out of the blue she tells me that her husband is actually her 2nd husband, as she was divorced once before. She was the WAS. So I got a chance to hear that side of things. She said she did try to work on it and gave it what she considered her all. She told me she told her current husband that she didn't care what he did, she was not leaving no matter what. She also told me that her Dad divorced her mom, then remarried someone else, then got divorced again, and it affected her greatly, even at 25. (Something to keep in mind if I ever have to discuss SS19's possible reaction to D with H)
I told her about my situation and she encouraged me to keep going, and stay committed to my M. She also said she thought I was smart, beautiful, and talented, and H was a jacka-- for wanting to leave me. So that was encouraging. My self-esteem has taken a blow with this, so hearing that helps. Got out to enjoy this beautiful weather we are having and got some encouragement.
What a great conversation! Like I've said before, God puts the messengers in our path only when we are ready to hear it: You never took a walk with her before, but the first time that you do- she opens up about her D.... I don't believe in coincidences!
It's good to hear that she encouraged you to keep going on your commitment to the M (perhaps she felt her first H didn't 'fight' when she walked away.)
And even though I don't know you personally... I agree with your friend's assessment of you
Thanks, Purg. That walk was just what I needed.
I was so tired tonight, I came straight home and lounged. H & I were again in separate rooms. Didn't really bother me tonight. Something interesting - H left his ipad out tonight. While it does have a code on it, I can still see if text messages are coming in. But I had no urge to snoop. Frankly I am tired of how it always send me into a tailspin. I'm just tired of everything right now. Maybe this is the start of detachment for me.
On another note, as I was going to take my shower, H says there should be a new episode of this show we like on OnDemand. I ask if he's going to watch it in the living room? He says yes. So after my shower I set up on the loveseat with my favorite throw. He comes out after his shower, and starts flipping channels and checks for the show, but doesn't play it. I ask if he's going to watch the show? He says no and shakes his head. WTH? I fold my throw, and come into the bedroom. Anyway, I'm about to watch the show myself in the bedroom. It's a wonder he can even get dressed with the fog he's in. LOL
This morning showed me why sandi's 37 rules are important. I'm also adding KEEPING MY MOUTH SHUT as my own addition. LOL
So H and I ML again this morning. First time since he got back from Vegas. Still not sure what to make of it. Not sure if boundaries are called for or not. I’m not feeling bad about it happening or getting any expectations out of it. Honestly, it just feels good to be warm blooded again. LOL
H finally decided to go to the doctor for his throat. Came into the bedroom as I was getting dressed for work to ask me to call the doctor for him. (Two weeks ago when he had the contact lens issue, it seemed he was adamant about not asking me for help. This is something I used to do, but he hasn’t asked me to do anything like it in a LONG time. I’m assuming he felt pretty horrible to ask me to call the doctor.)
I asked what was wrong, and he said his throat was still hurting and he was tired of feeling bad. So I encouraged him to go to Urgent Care instead so he could be seen quickly. So he got dressed and came to kiss me goodbye. We talked about what he would need for Urgent Care (i.e., insurance card, ID, etc.). As he is walking down the hallway I say “I love you”. (Yeah, I know, Rule #11) He stops midway the hall, turns around gives me this look as to say give me a chance will you, and says, “I wasn’t finished talking. I was making sure I had my insurance card. I love you too.”
Go ahead and say it – KEEP YOUR MOUTH CLOSED! LOL I swear as soon as he said he wasn’t finished talking, I thought, Ro – remember sandi’s rules! Don’t force it on him. Then I thought…guess he told you! LOL Craziness in the morning.
H just called me at work and said he has strep throat. He has to take antibiotics 4 times a day, so it’s pretty bad. He can barely talk and said it even hurt to open his mouth to eat. Said he’d call me if he needed anything. Guess I’m still in my Nurse Betty role. I think I’ve been doing pretty good, but could probably do better since his care scale is WAY higher than mine. (I can thank my mother for that. This has been a topic of heated discussion before) I’ve just been leaving him alone to get some rest. But I don’t want him to think that I don’t care that he’s sick, which is how he’s felt in the past.
I am feeling less “obsessed” about the whole OW thing. I mean I know it’s happening, but I can only control me. At this point, the only thing they can do is talk on the phone, and text/email, since she doesn’t live here. My being here, living with him, following the DB principles has got to give me some kind of head start. Or at least that’s what I tell myself.
Why is there never an easy way?
Silliness...
So I'm sitting in the bedroom while H is watching TV/playing Playstation in the living room. I'm trying to give him some space to rest. I told him I wasn't being anti-social, just wanted to make sure he got the rest he needed. He didn't invite me to stay (sometimes he does), so I assume he doesn't want me in there.
Now I'm tired of sitting in here in this bed watching this 21 inch TV. But I don't want to sit in there with him and it feel like I'm smothering him.
I would have planned something to do tonight but it's very windy here and supposed to storm off and on. I need a bigger house! LOL
Are we living parallel lives?
It's supposed to be my night without the kids, but the baby had a fever and so I canceled my plans to take care of him. Now I'm sitting in the bedroom GAL by being on these boards... H is taking a shower in the hall bathroom (which shares a wall with my bedroom)... I can hear the water, but he's not in the shower- so he's probably texting some one. All I want to do is run in there and join him, but he might not appreciate that.
He's so close and yet so far away....
It's also windy here tonight, so GAL plans got modified and currently consist of my laptop, a fuzzy blanket and a glass of wine.
I can't even have a glass of wine with the Xanax. Even though I'm not taking it every day, I don't want to chance it.
So I've watched The Waltons & now I am on to Murder She Wrote. Fun times!
H is sleeping on the couch "to keep me from getting sick". While this logically makes sense, I don't want it to lead to him being back on the couch again full time. Every time I walk through the living room, he either jumps or gives me this strange look. Maybe he's texting OW...I care but I don't care. It's nothing new. He looks ridiculous fumbling all over himself. LOL
I just realized something in my interaction with H yesterday (and probably some this week). We were talking, and somehow I was doing my same old thing of interrupting him and not letting him finish his sentences. I REALLY need to watch this and work on NOT doing that. He didn't seem annoyed by it, but I don't want him to think this is the same old me either.
Changing is so hard, but I know whether we R or not, me having better listening skills will help throughout my life.
On my way to a church meeting, then to work to make up some hours. (Should give H plenty of time to talk to OW. GRRRR! Sometimes I just want to bash that iphone into the wall. Moving on...)
What I really want is to crawl into bed. Like I said H slept on the couch last night, and all I did was toss and turn in bed. How quickly we get used to things. Hopefully I'll be able to catch a nap when I get back home.
Saw the OW responded to one of my stepson's posts on FB. I SO want to say something to H when I go home...but I won't.
And before anyone says anything...I know everyone thinks the LBS should close down their FB accounts, or unfriend certain people, but I shouldn't have to stop looking at my stepson's page. I'm his stepmother NOT HER.
But I know if I say anything, it'll probably lead to an argument or disagreement of some sort, or send him running straight to the phone to call/text her, and slide us way back from where we are...wherever that is.
So the FB thing sent me into a tailspin. Had a convo with H - not about FB. Nothing new, but didn't help. Spent a lot of the afternoon and evening after work crying my eyeballs out. Pretty sure it's mostly hormonal, but sometimes the pain and hurt becomes too much and I have to let it out.
Doing lots of thinking tonight. Next steps, goals...I've got to snap out of this funk.
Btw, my H ate his bowl of soup at the dining room table last night. It caught me off guard when I walked through the room. Granted, I wasn't at the table, but he hadn't sat at the table for anything in months!
Sometimes, I feel like I'm going to get to 100 posts all on my own. Geez, my life...
Journaling...
Last night was probably one of the weirdest nights of my life. Ending up watching some of the NBA All-Star Weekend stuff with H. Not much convo, just some laughs and comments here and there. He didn't seem distant, maybe a little afraid I was going to go postal on him or something because of our earlier convo (old Ro probably would have). I looked crazy after hours and hours of crying. Anyway, I fell asleep on the couch, woke up about 1am and headed to bed.
Then the craziness starts. I have a dream that I see H leave the house, but I see his car down the street. Its not even the car he has, which is weird. Says he's just going out for a while. We have an argument about OW, then he leaves. Switch scene- I see H out at a restaurant and this woman with him says he's her H. I say how can that be when we've been married since 2009? More craziness happens with me chasing them through a shopping center.
I wake up an hour later breathing really fast and with chest pains. Can't get back to sleep until around 4am.
And another dream starts. I am on the phone with one of my high school classmates. She's saying her and H are together. We argue back and forth. Scene switch- I'm at my house and H is there. The furniture is all different. I find out he's had OW and friends over. I'm devastated and he's adamant that they will be together.
I wake up this morning and have another dizzy spell. I think to myself, trying to DB my marriage is going to end me up in the coo-koo's nest.
H gets up and gets dressed. I am in bed with a headache trying to get the room to stop spinning. He tells me he's going to pick up his contacts and get some eye exam they wanted him to have. Makes a point to say he's taking the trash out. Asks me if I have a headache because I am covering up my eyes. I explain that I had another dizzy spell. He says I should take some Tylenol for my headache, but I tell him I don't want to take it on an empty stomach. He asks me if I want him to go get me some food - He will go before he goes to run his errand. I tell him I appreciate it, but there's leftover pizza and I'll just eat some of that. He makes a point to tell me that he is going to get his contacts and he's coming straight back.
Long way to say nothing I guess. I'm trying to look for positives but it seems we always take 1 step forward and 3 steps back. Need to figure out my short-term goals.
Roro.. Sounds like you need a hug!
((((( )))))
those kinds of dreams can really do a number on you. Try not to think about it too much. Although we recognize them to be dreams.. It's hard not to think about the what ifs of make belief. I am guilty of that!
Hope your headache goes away
Those dreams would have done a number on me too..... Hope you can recover and have a better night's sleep tonight. I really hate it when a dream is so real that you carry the emotions into the 'awake' stage, it's hard to regain focus and remind yourself that it was only a dream. (((((for a better night)))))
You posted this on nhmom's thread:
But Purg & BK question for you - H is at home, still has contact with OW, and tells us ILU. How are you supposed to react when you know about the OW? I keep wanting to ask him if he tells her the same thing? You can answer on my thread so I don't hijack NH's thread completely. LOL
This is how I've handled OW (who is also my exBFF)
Try not to get grossed out... I think of her as an annoying pimple on my M. It's ugly and irritating and I REALLY wish it would just go away. If I pick at it (bring her up in conversations), it get's bigger and more irritated (H comes to her defense and I end up wanting to slasher tires even MORE!) If you leave a pimple alone, it will still hurt, be irritating and embarrassing... BUT it will eventually go away on it's own, hopefully with minimal scaring.
[I put this same analogy on my thread a while ago, and one of the rick's thought it was really gross!]
As far as your H still saying ILY, I would take it at face value. Find every ounce of energy you have to STFU and don't throw out the cynical/negative questions or comments like: "is that what you say to her too?" If *you* acknowledge the OW in any way/shape/or form.... his only option is going to be to defend her- which will add to your anger and hurt (I speak from experience on this one, unfortunately.)
25 once told me that the OW isn't worth the breath you have to take to say her name. I try to remind myself that *I* am not a home-wrecker who is taking an H away from a W who loves him (how would she feel if the tables were turned??) but that *I* am the better person- and by not acknowledging her, and trying to act with dignity- I won't have to apologize for my actions somewhere down the road.
Let me share a story about this quickly:
Last night (yes, last night) I went to a concert for my Goddaughter at her HS. I knew that I would see OW there, so I prepared myself for the possible interaction. (ok, so when I actually got there and saw her in line a few people ahead of me, I hid in the bathroom for a few minutes- i chickened out.) BUT I recovered and found my seat in the auditorium. I tried not watch where she was going to sit, but I found her with her other 2 Ds and guess who else.... my H and S6!!! I almost wanted to crawl out of my skin right there in my seat. I didn't look over at them, I didn't get up and walk away. I managed to sit there long enough to hear GD sing, and *then* I left when it was dark. I got to my car and screamed at the top of my lungs and cried the whole way home. I didn't know if H saw me there until he came home later and asked my I left early. It was all i could do not to yell at him and call him all the nasty names I could think of... I honestly said to him: "I didn't expect to see you there and it took me by surprise. I saw GD sing and didn't see a reason to stay till the end." He said, I didn't want it to be awkward for you, I'm sorry. [REALLY?? not awkward for me?!? I would love to know what OW's friends thought seeing her sit with a man who is NOT her H?? That's might have been a little awkward for her!]
That was longer than I wanted it to be, really sorry (I always get accused of talking too much- me?? never.) But my point is, IF I had gotten up and walked over to them and called her a $lut (which I really wanted to do!) *I* would have ended up looking like the crazy person to everyone around- b/c they don't know the background. And then H would have come to her rescue and protected her against me... and things would have gone downhill very fast.
You have to find the mental ability to compartmentalize *your* R with H and ignoring OW's R with H. You can't do anything about it- as much as you think you can, talking about her will only push him closer to her.
Thanks BF - H came back and "made" me take some meds. He stood there and watched me and joked that he was making sure one of the pills didn't fall down my cleavage. LOL He has been somewhat attentive since he got back from his errand. I had a coughing fit and he hurried into the room to see if I needed something to drink. (Sometimes the old H does show up)
Still have a mild headache, but not as bad. Think that and the dizziness is sinus related.
I love the pimple analogy! You have to ignore OW, then look your best and go about your business. Be happy that your H is on your couch and not out of the house. I wish my H could have just slept on the couch for a year vs leaving.
"H gets up and gets dressed. I am in bed with a headache trying to get the room to stop spinning. He tells me he's going to pick up his contacts and get some eye exam they wanted him to have. Makes a point to say he's taking the trash out. Asks me if I have a headache because I am covering up my eyes. I explain that I had another dizzy spell. He says I should take some Tylenol for my headache, but I tell him I don't want to take it on an empty stomach. He asks me if I want him to go get me some food - He will go before he goes to run his errand. I tell him I appreciate it, but there's leftover pizza and I'll just eat some of that. He makes a point to tell me that he is going to get his contacts and he's coming straight back.
Long way to say nothing I guess. I'm trying to look for positives but it seems we always take 1 step forward and 3 steps back. Need to figure out my short-term goals."
RoRo, I'm not totally up on your sitch but what you describe above seems like it is full of positives. If you are basing your view that you took 3 steps back because of the bad dreams, remember they are just dreams and are really just a manifestation of all the R junk running through your mind.
Journaling...
2tp – Thanks for pointing out the positives. I’m too close to the situation to see the good before the bad sometimes.
Feeling better today, but still have a slight headache, minimal dizziness right now. Made a dr. appt for tomorrow morning. Need to get the dizziness under control. I have about a 45 minute commute on average, and would hate to have a spell in traffic.
So H and I watched the Oscars and NBA All-Star Game last night. I noticed something, but wasn’t sure what to make of it. Note: I found out about H’s A by going through his iPad (that I purchased as an anniversary/birthday gift I might add! UGH!). So after confronting him that initial time, he put a code on it so I couldn’t get into it. And he’s been pretty secretive about what he’s doing on it. Granted the past few weeks, his usage that I saw was not that much, but still.
Well, last night he was on it, but it seemed as if he wanted me to see what he was doing. He left the screen open multiple times, and just sat it next to him on the couch or on the floor. Once he even got up to go use the bathroom, and just left it wide open. (No, I didn’t snoop!) It just seemed out of character for him. He did the same thing with the phone several times. Not sure what this means, but caught my attention.
We had a good time laughing and joking last night. He offered to go get us some dinner and pick up some things from the store. (I’m sure this was used as time to call OW, but I digress…) He was very concerned about my dizzy spells. He said something completely crazy when we were talking about it, and there’s a much longer story to go with that, which I’ll share after my doctor’s appointment tomorrow. Just know I did a 180 and didn’t take what he said seriously. Good for me! Made me take some cold medicine because I kept coughing. He actually watched me to see if I was going to take it. (I swear, I don’t know who the DBuster is here sometimes…completely a 180 to let him take care of me. I don’t stop long enough usually for it to happen)
H seemed extra snuggly in bed last night. I was half asleep, but still noticed him in my space when I would turn over. The intimacy is still there. Trying so hard not to get attached to that. Got an ILY and kiss as he was leaving this morning. He stopped suddenly after that like he wanted to say something, but just shook his head and kept going. *shrug*
I’m wondering how I will ever detach if he’s so nice and seems to be loving and all that. He hasn’t given me an indication that he’s changed his mind about the D. And of course, I won’t ask him. Guess I’m really stuck in limbo for a while.
But I guess like Purg said on someone’s thread – just like I’m going back and forth with my emotions and feelings about our M, he is sure to be doing the same thing.
I didn’t get a response from my email with questions about DB coaching. Guess I just need to call the number and talk to someone.
Lots of positives! Funny about your H leaving his iPad around as if to show you that he doesn't have anything to hide. My H is glued to his iPad as well. I've read your comments in the past about wanting to throw the iPad or the phone against the wall. Sometimes I feel the same. As much as I like technology, I hate it just as much. It opens up to a new world of temptation for things that we may not do in person. Ugh.
Good for you for not snooping while he stepped out!!
I do like the pimple analysis! Yes, it's gross. And I'm also the type of person that would keep picking at it and make it worse....seem to be doing the same in real life about OW. I just have to keep telling myself 'let it go. she's not worth it. take the high road.'
try not to think about it too much. sometimes i think they do the obvious phone thing to balance out all the secretive moments. as though if they leave it out today.. then you won't get suspicious tomorrow.
if he's being nice and loving, it must be nice to be able to enjoy that.
try not to think about it too much. sometimes i think they do the obvious phone thing to balance out all the secretive moments. as though if they leave it out today.. then you won't get suspicious tomorrow.
if he's being nice and loving, it must be nice to be able to enjoy that.
BF - Good point. But I'll be suspicious for a while yet. LOL
I'm not sure if I SHOULD be enjoying it, ya know? So confusing...
Not snooping - excellent.
I was told in DB coaching that my W is testing me, over and over - looking for proof that she is right (about wanting D; about me never changing for the positive).
Her last sleepover at my apartment, she left her laptop and purse in the living room. When I said I couldn't sleep (she was tired and wanted to crash early), I went to the living room to read. she came charging out 10 min later and - voila! - I was merely reading, her stuff safely where she'd left it.
We had great sex that night after watching some TV and talking.
Tests - may we see them and pass them!
Not snooping - excellent.
I was told in DB coaching that my W is testing me, over and over - looking for proof that she is right (about wanting D; about me never changing for the positive).
Her last sleepover at my apartment, she left her laptop and purse in the living room. When I said I couldn't sleep (she was tired and wanted to crash early), I went to the living room to read. she came charging out 10 min later and - voila! - I was merely reading, her stuff safely where she'd left it.
We had great sex that night after watching some TV and talking.
Tests - may we see them and pass them!
That's hilarious! He probably was testing me...glad I didn't fall for it!
It gets more weird by the minute...
H just called me after getting off the train. I can tell you from my research (snooping) that normally, the first thing he does is talk to OW...or maybe one of his friends. Not saying he won't do this AFTER talking to me, but I thought it was strange regardless.
He called to see what I wanted to for dinner. So we chatted and decided on pizza (his favorite food). I told him I'd pick up some bottled water and other stuff from the store that we needed.
*crinkles forehead in confusion*
"I told him I'd pick up some bottled water and other stuff from the store that we needed." Why not a bottle of wine?
Seriously, he's reaching out. All the signs are there. He wants you to trust him and he wants to show you he is being considerate.
What do you think you should do?
2tp - No alcohol with the Xanax...and he's on antibiotics. Not trying to end up in the ER. Plus water is good for you! LOL
I have no idea what to do. Act as if? Don't scare the squirrel away?
I swear I'm dealing with someone who has multiple personality disorder. Or he's either a child in a grown-up's body. LOL
Came home chatted about our respective days. He had already eaten so I ate then did some stuff on my laptop. Now we're sitting in the living room. I was checking Twitter on my phone. No biggie. This dude is now doing some serious texting (or something) on his phone and has his leg propped up like he's trying to hide it. I can honestly say that I have never seen him propped up on the couch like this. In the 4 years he's been living here. It's just too crazy! I want to say, "You know I can still see you right?" LOL
Take a picture of him and then text it to him so he can see how he looks.
what? you mean if he props up his leg it doesn't make him invisible? maybe he forgot to put on the camo stuff. that would probably have helped.
He kept holding the phone up for me to see every few minutes. This guy!? LOL
I don't know what to think anymore. Trying not to let him being "normal" throw me off. Don't want to start believing he's reaching out, then the hatchet comes down.
I hate feeling like this. Makes me antsy. Need to sit down and seriously re-read DR. I feel like I need reinforcements or something. Don't want to do something that causes us to backslide.
Journaling…
Well guys, turns out I have vertigo. I’m guessing the virus I had with the congestion and stuffiness stirred it up some because I never had dizziness like this before that. Had another episode this morning, and H offered to drive me to my dr. appt, but I ended up being okay enough to drive myself. Told me to call/text him when I was on my way so he’d know I was okay driving, and then call once I found out anything at the dr. I did both. Said he was glad I finally found out what was going on, and wanted me to call him when I got to work after dropping my prescription off so he’d know I made it okay. I’m beginning to think he’s showing pity instead of concern. HMMM Anyway, got some meds, so we’ll see how they do tonight.
I did call, but he wasn’t at his desk, so I sent him a short email, “Called your desk. Made it to work. Waited on them to fill my prescription.” He responded back, “Ok. Was away from my desk. Glad you made it in safely.” I’m trying to be more conscious of how I respond in email and not sound blaming or anything. His response made me think that he read it as if I was saying you told me to call, but you weren’t even at your desk. I don’t know. I feel like I’m overanalyzing everything.
I feel like I should be doing something more. More of what I don’t know. I’m not sure of what’s working with H and what’s not. Man I need a digital copy of DB/DR. Can’t be sneaky and read that out in the open like I can everything else on my Nook.
I’m also wanting to check the cell phone usage like I was before. I’m fighting it though. It’ll just send me in a tailspin again. It would just be nice if I had a clue what H was thinking. Not that I think it's over between him and OW. Wishful thinking!
Anyway, I’m hoping to go work out today, at least at Curves for Zumba. I haven’t been in weeks. Hopefully I’ll make it through without falling out. LOL
RoRo - check out my comments in
red font inside the quotation block. Hope this is helpful for you.
Journaling…
Well guys, turns out I have vertigo. I’m guessing the virus I had with the congestion and stuffiness stirred it up some because I never had dizziness like this before that. Had another episode this morning, and H offered to drive me to my dr. appt, but I ended up being okay enough to drive myself. Told me to call/text him when I was on my way so he’d know I was okay driving, and then call once I found out anything at the dr. I did both. Said he was glad I finally found out what was going on, and wanted me to call him when I got to work after dropping my prescription off so he’d know I made it okay. I’m beginning to think he’s showing pity instead of concern. HMMM Anyway, got some meds, so we’ll see how they do tonight.
Why ascribe anything other than that your H may truly be concerned? Over the past few days, you have described what to my mind are some pretty significant steps in the right direction, yet you seem to prefer to view them from the cynics point of view.
I guess I can see where you are fearful this is all a ploy, but what if instead you changed your mindset to thinking "as if"? Then continued to operate from that view while you and your H continue to work on yourselves...I did call, but he wasn’t at his desk, so I sent him a short email, “Called your desk. Made it to work. Waited on them to fill my prescription.” He responded back, “Ok. Was away from my desk. Glad you made it in safely.”
This is good ^^^^ IMO.I’m trying to be more conscious of how I respond in email and not sound blaming or anything. His response made me think that he read it as if I was saying you told me to call, but you weren’t even at your desk. I don’t know. I feel like I’m overanalyzing everything.
Good that you are thinking about how to respond and avoid blaming, etc. Good self awareness.
But why do you feel the need to suspect the worse, mind read and "over analyze" every detail. Think about it, your H is at work.... working, and you expect him to wait by the phone for some undetermined amount of time for you to call to tell him everything is ok. Is that really rational thinking? Stop over analyzing and make room in your mind for more clear headed thinking.I feel like I should be doing something more. More of what I don’t know. I’m not sure of what’s working with H and what’s not. Man I need a digital copy of DB/DR. Can’t be sneaky and read that out in the open like I can everything else on my Nook.
Clearly some things seem to be working. Think about what you have been doing that may be drawing your H closer to you. Keep that in your focus. Consider setting down a set of goals that can be tracked over time to assess your progress. You'll get there, RoRo!I’m also wanting to check the cell phone usage like I was before. I’m fighting it though. It’ll just send me in a tailspin again. It would just be nice if I had a clue what H was thinking. Not that I think it's over between him and OW. Wishful thinking!
Don't do it! 2 things can come of it. First you will find that he is still in contact with OW and then what? or you find nothing is going on... but you are demonstrating a lack of trust which is also not healthy if you want to restore your M.
If you want to know what your H is thinking, maybe you could ask him. If the mood was right and you mustered up the courage, maybe you could tell him something like:
H, I've noticed you have been doing X, Y & Z lately (i.e. being more open, caring, etc.) and I really appreciate the effort but what does it mean? What is running through your mind right now?
And then be prepared to validate, validate, validate. Don't get defensive or accusatory, just listen....closely.Anyway, I’m hoping to go work out today, at least at Curves for Zumba. I haven’t been in weeks. Hopefully I’ll make it through without falling out. LOL
Wow! Zumba with vertigo! Now that should be interesting!
Thank 2tp. I can always count on you to point me in the right direction.
Honestly, I'm not sure I WANT to know what my H is really thinking at this point. (I'm a coward, I know!)
I haven’t been practicing DBing principles effectively that long, and have been encouraged NOT to bring up R talk (or him moving out). My H is sure to see this as R talk.
I know at some point I have ask him what he's doing/thinking, but not sure if now is the right time or not.
Aw
My Mum has vertigo. It [censored]!
Glad you have an explanation tho.
Oh and your H response didn't sound like he thought you were being accusatory.
I think it all sounds good!
One thing though... I might not respond every single time... or at least delay the responses more to him. I know he was checking in on you but still.
Maybe you can do this in future? Add a little mystery!
"Honestly, I'm not sure I WANT to know what my H is really thinking at this point. (I'm a coward, I know!)"Some day RoRo, just like the cowardly lion in the Wizard of Oz, you'll find the courage!
"Honestly, I'm not sure I WANT to know what my H is really thinking at this point. (I'm a coward, I know!)"Some day RoRo, just like the cowardly lion in the Wizard of Oz, you'll find the courage!
I know, I know...Trying to get through his original "moving out" future date at least.
Oh and your H response didn't sound like he thought you were being accusatory.
I think it all sounds good!
One thing though... I might not respond every single time... or at least delay the responses more to him. I know he was checking in on you but still.
Maybe you can do this in future? Add a little mystery!
111 - I thought about this today. I have been doing this occasionally. On the times that I do, he either calls me or sends another message. So I think I need to incorporate this a little more. Thanks for the reminder.
And yeah, vertigo. Can't wait to get home and take some meds!
So...I managed to work out without falling out! LOL
I did thank H for helping me while I've been sick. Told him he didn't have to do it given the circumstances, and that I appreciate it. He says me feeling better was important and I did the same for him when he was sick. *I didn't go into the why are you being so nice thing...just wasn't the right time.
So we're chatting tonight and start talking about tattoos. We've both wanted one for a while but could never figure out what to get. I told him I've decided on mine (For those of you who want to know, you'll have to check Purg's link for my alter ego.) I tell him that now that I've found my alter ego, it will be a surprise to everyone. He asks me what is. I tell him I'm not telling. He seems surprised because I tell him mostly EVERYTHING.
But something else surprising happens. I tell him I can guess what his is going to be. His "MC" name: Bless. He says he's not telling me. He says he wants an "anagram" (sp?). A word that reads as two different words depending on the way you are reading it. He then proceeds to send me a picture of what he wants to my phone. Turns out its the background on his ipad that I've seen when I snooped. I just say that I like it.
Now my H has been the most secretive person for the past 6 months. I only recognized it as secretive AFTER the bomb. I just thought something else was wrong. I know I'm not supposed to have expectations. But for him to send me this picture is saying something. I just don't know what.
Also tonight we were talking about something else (I had mentioned my plan to take alter ego photos this summer I think), and he stopped himself mid-sentence - like he didn't want to say too much about the future. I noticed, but didn't say anything about it, and kept the conversation light.
I'm feeling closer to him, but know I need to probably detach physically & mentallly from the situation a bit.
Great update Mrs Spicy!
I too think you are drawing your H in closer. Keep working on that detaching you are doing. Maintain some of the secrecy that seems to have him intrigued and keep on going!
Things are changing for you and who knows what is on the other side of the mountain?
"I know I'm not supposed to have expectations. But for him to send me this picture is saying something. I just don't know what."Maybe the answer is in the the anagram?
I’ve been thinking this morning about how I can detach without backing away. Things have been pretty good at home, but H hasn’t said he isn’t moving out, and I am trying my hardest not to get sucked back in. It’s been hard because he’s being so “normal”.
It’s mainly emotionally/mentally that I need to detach. I haven’t been very successful with this since I started DBing. How do you do this when things seem to be going so well? I’m afraid if he tells me he’s still moving out, I’ll be right back depressed and upset like I was before. I don’t want that to happen, and doubt I can detach in a way that it won’t affect me. I know it’s a rollercoaster ride, but dang…just when I think I’m stable…
I remembered why my husband suddenly stopped mid-sentence last night. We were talking about him working out and doing the Insanity workouts. I told him he was doing so good, but then he hasn’t done anything in a while. He said he was going to start back up, and get back into it. Then he said, “Especially…” and then stopped. Maybe he was going to say “Especially since I’ll be in my own place?” Mindreading, I know. I didn’t make a big deal about it, and just kept the conversation moving.
The vertigo meds did help some last night. But they make me sleeeeeepy, so I’m sluggish today. It’s a rainy day here too, so that doesn’t help either. I’ll be lucky if my head doesn’t hit my desk in the next 15 minutes. LOL
"Then he said, “Especially…” and then stopped. Maybe he was going to say “Especially since I’ll be in my own place?” Mindreading, I know."Especially.....since he is planning on entering the Mr Universe contest.
Especially.....since he plans to play the role of Superman in a Broadway musical.
Especially.....since he wants to look good in a pair of RickB89's speedos.
It's all mind reading RoRo. Except for maybe the last one about the speedos
"Then he said, “Especially…” and then stopped. Maybe he was going to say “Especially since I’ll be in my own place?” Mindreading, I know."Especially.....since he is planning on entering the Mr Universe contest.
Especially.....since he plans to play the role of Superman in a Broadway musical.
Especially.....since he wants to look good in a pair of RickB89's speedos.
It's all mind reading RoRo. Except for maybe the last one about the speedos
I just laughed out loud. Speedos came up in the conversation last night too. FUNNY!
Thanks 2tp! LOLOL
I am so incredibly tired right now. Normally this could lead to a bad interaction with H once I got home. I resolve to remain positive and upbeat, and not grumpy.
One thing - my H has reached out to me the past few days at work, by phone or email. But not today. Working hard at no expecations, so I'm actually okay with that. Just wanted to note that I didn't send him an email either, which I would have done in the past, just to "check-in". It's a hard habit to break as this is something we used to do ALL THE TIME.
Not a 180 or anything, I think this falls more into the to save my sanity I'm trying to detach, even if kills me and before I go crazy pile.
yes it is hard. my H use to call me all the time from work. and then it was txting.. and now.. well.. we all know where he and i are now!
i lol at 2pacs response. so true. never know what's going on in the WAS's mind. better just not to get sucked in!
Feeling anxious today, with no real reason why. Nothing has happened between H and I recently to cause me to feel this way. (Unless you count the reason I’m even on this site, but I digress) Guess I’m getting antsy because it’s March 1st. H still hasn’t mentioned moving out again, but I think I’m on edge waiting for him to say it just in case.
Other than that, I’m having a pretty good day. The weather here is GORGEOUS. I had planned to work out this evening, but I forgot my shoes. Maybe I’ll go try and find some cheap ones during lunch.
Just talked to one of my friends. She asked if H was still at home. I said yes, and actually someone looking from the outside would think nothing had happened. She said Oh, really. I couldn’t live like that, but that’s just me. (She’s been divorced for YEARS) I took it all in stride and didn’t respond back.
I did have a 180 this morning. H had a dr. appt this morning. Usually I will remind him or ask him about it. We talked about it earlier this week, and he had forgotten about it then. So this morning as I’m getting dressed, I think Oh, he has a dr. appt today. Normally, I would have called or text to remind him of this. (Basically nagging, and pointing out how he messed up.) I decided not to this morning. It’s his dr. appt, and if he forgets that’s on him. He doesn’t need me reminding him of something else he didn’t do. I literally had to fight the urge to pick up the phone, but I did it. LOL
Nothing else going on really. Just maintaining I guess.
Went for a walk with a co-worker earlier. It's beautiful in the Washington DC area today! Felt good, although work is stressing me out a bit. I think I need to focus on getting more rest (yeah right, WHEN?). Didn't go shopping for shoes, so I may cut out of work early to go home and walk around the block...get me some Vitamin D.
Would have normally asked H if he wanted to go somewhere for dinner, and maybe grab some Cold Stone (he loves that place!), but I won't. Makes me sad. :-(
Still a little anxious (and still don't know why), but doing okay. Hope everyone ie doing great today!
Walking and sunshine should help your anxieties
Make sure you have happy songs on your ipod to keep you in the right frame of mind!
Purg, no music while walking today. Just chatting. It was nice!
H called today during work just to check-in (that's twice this week). I asked him about dinner. He said he'd call me once he got off the train. So he calls. He left his keys at work, so he couldn't drive. But of course he doesn't come right out and ask me to pick him up. He says, "I'm going back to the office, but it closes at 5:30 and I'm not sure who will be there to let me in." I say ok. He says, "But I don't have anyone's number to call to see if they are there." More of this back and forth for a couple more minutes. Finally I ask if he needs for me to come get him. He let out a breath and said yes. I said I would. (180 for me because I didn't make a joke or sarcastic comment about him leaving his keys.)
I go pick him up (once I'm finished what I was in the middle of at work). We go to pick up dinner and I have the cd he got me for V-day playing. I was singing alot and dancing all the way home. There's a song on there that talks about how stupid this man was to sleep with someone else and now his girl is gone. I had it on random but was hoping it would come on. It did just as we turned onto our street. H got so quiet you could hear him breathing. I just kept on singing. Came home and ate. H actually sat at the table with me.
I realized as I was driving to pick up H what I've been so anxious about today. I am feeling very uncomfortable not knowing what is going to happen with H and I. I used to have my life planned almost to the second, so this uncertainty is KILLING me.
I also keep thinking what is it about me that says it's okay to cheat on me? And then to have the audacity to continue your affair even after your busted? What could I have possibly done to my H, to deserve to be treated no better than a stranger on the street?
I've had alot of pain in my life caused by other people. Not playing the victim here, it's the simple truth. And just when I think I've found someone I can count on, this happens.
I know I'll recover from this. But I'm going to be honest here...I don't think I'll ever fully trust another human being in my life. It just ends up always hurting too much...
oh roro - i totally hear you! when i read your posts today i thought.. wow! i could have written all that myself! the reminding about appts.. the conversation about H's keys (that didn't happen w/ us but we've had similar back and forth conversations)..
i have similar trust issues. i remember saying to H, you care more about the people you work with then you do about me! he didn't agree.. but he certainly didn't disagree. that hurt so much and he just didn't get it. sometime i wonder if he'll ever be able to step up and be the man i need him to be again. but then i wonder if i will be the woman he needs me to be. the unknowing is really scary!
is it worth the gamble? only you can answer that. i never thought i was much of a gambler but.. i guess i'm more ballsy then i thought! gotta practice my poker face.
(((( roro ))))
Thanks BF. I was fine most of the day, but had a major bathroom meltdown after dinner. I'm not seeing movement in my sitch and H is still communicating with OW (I asked and he told me on Saturday).
It makes me sad to think we may not work out.
A friend of mine said that there is an old Chinese saying something along the lines of "treat your spouse no worse than you would a guest in your own home." If only all married couples would adopt that philosophy.
So I managed to pull myself together, although my eyes are still puffy from all the crying I did. Have a busy day tomorrow so I need to be stress free - YEAH RIGHT!
Still unsure of my short term goals. Does anybody have any suggestions for me?
A friend of mine said that there is an old Chinese saying something along the lines of "treat your spouse no worse than you would a guest in your own home." If only all married couples would adopt that philosophy.
Exactly. H isn't being mean or cruel to me directly, but has to know his A is essentially the same kind of treatment.
RoRo - you keep asking what it is about you. It's not about you. You're a beautiful strong woman and you will be OK. You'll get help when you need it to heal enough to trust again. But there is nothing about you that makes it OK to cheat. That's on him. Hang in there.
Dang PMS! I literally am a barrell of water again this morning. Makes me even more emotional than normal. Trying to pull it together to go to work. Have to drop H off at the train station too. Gotta be happy and smiling by the time I get in the car.
Boy if I don't get nominated for an Oscar for my performance today...
That is gpod that u are aware be strong and hope your day will omprove
How is it possible to go from sad to mad this fast? I need some St. John's Wort or something. LOL
Dropped H off, and didn't really talk, but sang along with the radio, and danced in my seat. And then I got to thinking. (I REALLY need to quit doing that. LOL) How DARE he act like everything is okay and that he's not a cheating, lying, you know what? How dare he have the audacity to want to even breathe in my space? Sir, you don't deserve that privilege. UGH! But I digress...back to DBing. Just had to get that out. At least I didn't say it to HIM.
I'd rather be angry right now than sad. At least it'll help me keep it together for work today. Got a dr. appt this afternoon that H is going to with me. Should be relatively painless, but something I need to get done. I'll fill you guys in once I get the results. Just keep the prayers coming.
Nothing much going on over here. I got out and did some GALing today: dance rehearsal, Walmart trip, and a meeting for the workout video I am going to be a part of this summer. The sun came out and it ended up being a beautiful day.
I am still working out the vertigo meds, but made it thru the day!
H is still being helpful and attentive, and I'm trying so hard to not get sucked in...like a hamster in a wheel, going round and round. Plan on watching the Carolina/Duke basketball gam tonight. H's a Carolina fan so he'll be all hype and nervous. (I don't like either team). This is a continuation of a 180 for me. H told me that I know he likes sports, but never watch anything with him (mainly football). I like basketball, but never really watch games on TV. I've started watching with him - mainly because he hogs the big TV and I get tired of being closed up in the bedroom with the small one. I'm normally reading or surfing the web on my phone during the game, so it doesn't seem like I'm focusing on being with him. (OW is a Duke fan, so I'll be silently praying they lose. LOL)
About to go on an ice cream run...gotta have snacks for the game!
(((Ro))), glad you are planning a fun evening and getting on with things. I recently had a major meltdown, too, and it led to my H actually renting an apartment, rather than just talking about it. So, I admire how you've been handling things.
It was a great day in DC last Thursday, wasn't it? I sat outside for lunch and really enjoyed the sun. Too bad we are headed for cold temperatures and snow on Monday. Hang in there, Ro. Keep GALing and working on your detachment. I need some inspiration, so let us in on your progress!
I see what you did there ; )
I'm a Tar Heel through and through!! Even meow I didn't go there, my mom, dad and granddad all went there- I guess I was the black sheep
oh ro.. don't you wish H was a hamster that you could keep in a cage so you could just watch to see what he does next? you could be the cat perched outside. meowing.. and batting the cage to rile him up?? but alas.. it seems like it's the other way around. we're stuck and they're riling us up. question is.. how do we get out?? if there are enough hamsters in the cage.. we could boost each other out. and the ones that already out can help hoist us on our way. hmmmm.. metaphor for life.
I bow to your awesomeness BF
BF: you're gonna beat me.... But you ended up with a great metaphor!!
I have a large dog cage, do you think I could keep H in there? I could get him a water bottle that he as to lick 1000 times to get a drink and some kibble in the bottom of the cage... I see nothing wrong with this!
Thanks guys. Ended up watching the game from across the room while I was doing my hair. I was thinking out loud that I needed to eat because it was getting late. About 15 mins later H asks if I wanted him to warm me up some leftovers. I started to say no, but that would be my typical self so I stopped myself and said yes. He even waited until I cleaned up some to warm his own food. He has said before that he feels sometimes that I don't need him around because I'm so independent. WAY too controlling is what it was. Trying to be mindful of that when he offers his help.
He's being extra helpful and nice. I know it doesn't mean anything really, and I shouldn't have any expectations. But why am I so skeptical? Why can't I enjoy it without feeling like the other shoe is going to drop? And then I think if we do R, will I always feel like this?
I told y'all...cukoo's nest here I come.
Journaling...
I had a pretty good weekend. Yesterday was church and rest day. Sermon topic was "And Then Jesus Came". My Pastor was saying just when you're ready to give in and throw in the towel Jesus steps in to sustain you through your test. Boy did I need to hear that!
When I came home H complimented me on my hair several times and kept glancing at me. It was kind of weird. Then when I went to sit in the living room, in my normal spot on the loveseat, he says, "Oh you can sit here." H moves his laundry off the couch so I can sit with him. He also keeps volunteering to do stuff for me like offering to pick me up if my vertigo gets too bad, or fixing my plate when we eat, and going back to the car when I've left something after coming home.
I'm not sure what to think anymore. H hasn't mentioned moving at all, and then there's OW. I haven't seen him texting as much, but that doesn't mean he isn't. I've talked myself out of pulling up our cell phone records so far. That's the only way I would know if they are still in contact. But snooping always
sends me into a downward spiral so I'm really trying not to go there.
Any suggestions on my next steps?
But snooping always
sends me into a downward spiral so I'm really trying not to go there.
Remember this.
Try not to overthink things. If he's being nice, let him be nice. You continue being the new and improved RoRo.
Happy Monday!
Labug, that's one of my problems. I'm a fixer. I feel like I should be DOING something.
I will say, I am laughing so much more these days. For real laughing. I think H really is going to think I'm nuts. LOL Feels good though. I can see the old me peeking through the blinds. The sun is almost up!
But snooping always
sends me into a downward spiral so I'm really trying not to go there.
Remember this.
Try not to overthink things. If he's being nice, let him be nice. You continue being the new and improved RoRo.
Happy Monday!
One more thing...How long am I supposed to be the new and improved me (its basically just the me I am now) before I ask him what's going on? Some people say do it now, others say wait. I feel like I need some sort of checklist to know what to do next in my life. LOL
Just needed to get this out. Otherwise H will have an email in his inbox in the next 5 minutes.
Been re-reading some of sandi2's old posts. Man her H has the patience of Job.
I'm not sure I could wait two years for my H's A to end, and him to be ready to work on the M. In fact I KNOW I can't. As a fixer, it's so frustrating to not being able to fix my M. Moving on...
And I know some of you will say it's all about detaching, GALing and all that. GALing until I'm blue in the face doesn't remove the fact from my mind (and heart) that my H has chosen someone over me. And basically doesn't seem to care that I know it, so he continues. I guess it would be easier to detach if he wasn't still living at home. But I've read that having the WAS still in the home can help with R.
I just don't know how to detach with him still there acting like nothing is wrong. GALing doesn't help when I come home to Ward Cleaver.
I think you're done when you decide you're done.
GALing until I'm blue in the face doesn't remove the fact from my mind (and heart) that my H has chosen someone over me.
If this is a deal-breaker for you, then it's a deal-breaker. I've said before in this A sitches, I don't know how I would react, I always thought I knew but I know better than to think in absolutes now.
I think you're done when you decide you're done.
GALing until I'm blue in the face doesn't remove the fact from my mind (and heart) that my H has chosen someone over me.
If this is a deal-breaker for you, then it's a deal-breaker. I've said before in this A sitches, I don't know how I would react, I always thought I knew but I know better than to think in absolutes now.
I honestly don't think it's a dealbreaker for me yet. If it continues for too much longer, it probably will be. Does that even make sense?
I know exactly how you feel. Everyone reaches a point when enough is enough, and that point is different for everyone.
If you can find the strength to keep going and to see the value in it, then you should do what you can.
It is so hard to do though. It's so hard to just sit back and let the WAS do whatever they want, be selfish and disrespectful. Everyone keeps saying to detach, but it makes it so much more harder when there is an OP involved. We seem to get distracted by the OP, because what everyone says is that OP is just a symptom. But what if the symptom is hurtful?
I wish the best for you, RoRo. I hope you can find the strength to keep going.
What a difference 2 hours makes.
Came home and as soon as I saw H the dam broke. Get your 2x4s, 6x8s, & 8x10s ready.
I told him I wasn't sure how to say this so I was just going to say it. I told him that I was having a hard time with the amount of disrespect he is showing me by cheating on me basically in my face. That the person I married was someone I thought would not do that. I told him that while he may disagree nothing I have ever done warranted him cheating on me. I said I'm sure OW wouldn't agree either. I said but I'm sure he told her a completely different story than what we were living. Because happily married people don't cheat. He says Happily married? I said "I" thought we were happily married. I dudn't know what he was because he wasn't talking to me.
I told him I've been trying to deal with our sitch and believe our M can work, but it's hard when he's knowingly cheating and hurting me and doesn't seem to care. He said he does care and I don't deserve this. That he's struggled with his A. He says he knows I'm thinking so why not give it up? I said basically, but he had no reply.
I told him I still believed in our M and thought we could work, but having a hard time with the blatant disrespect. I said that was it and left the room to go cry. He hears me in the bathroom (with the fan on) and calls to me. I finally pull myself together. He's just sitting on the bed looking at me. I tell him he can go to the store like he was on his way to. That I'll be fine...like I always am.
He just went to the store to get buns. He's probably wondering what he's coming back to. I just couldn't hold it in any longer. Now to get thru the rest of tonight...I can't stop crying.
No 2x4 from me.
I am not the best at holding it in, as exampled in my previous posts.
But here's what I've learned: now that you've said your piece, STFU. Don't bring it up again. When he comes home, be pulled together and don't look mopey (easier said than done.) Only talk about it IF he brings it up. Otherwise, make yourself busy- don't follow him around, or sit I the couch pathetically.
He needs a chance to let this sit in his head.
Find a song(s) that uplift you, I personally love Michael Jackson for these such times
I agree with Purg, so you let it out now let it be. Pull yourself together and show him how strong you have become. He doesn't deserve you but give him a glimpse of the person he d@mn well better start fighting for befode its to late!
Roro pick yourself up and dust off. K. You are dealing with a crappy sitch. It is ok to make mistakes but it is not if u don't learn from it. Lets try again
I may not be the best person to give you advice as I'm sort of in your shoes. I know a lot of people would say don't let him see how much you're hurting, but I say it's ok for him to see it, to remind him that what he's doing is wrong. You've been building up this hurt over time and sometimes we need to let things out.
But I agree, now that it's out, let him stew on it. I'd say get out of his way tonight. You don't need to act like you're happy and ok again.
FWIW, if the whole pursuer/distancer thing works, you letting him know that you're not ok and pulling back should make him pull towards you.
((RoRo))
Thanks everybody for their comments. I don't have anything else to say right now. (Well I do, but I won't say it.) It just hit me today that I have been feeling like crap because of some BS my H wants to do. Granted he may think its justified, but I do not. I've been holding it in for 2 months. It was bound to come out.
So staying out of his way means sitting in our bedroom for the rest of the night in our 2bdr condo. If that isn't pathetic I don't know what is. LOL Mostly pulled myself together.
H hasn't said a peep since he came back. Got immediately on his ipad. Probably searching for somewhere to live, because I'm sure he thinks I'm putting him out. He's actually wrapped up on the couch like the comforter is a shield. LOL
Got some thinking to do tonight. I can see my wall on the horizon. I wonder how long before I get there.
Just hang in there and lean on God. Get him involved in church. There is nothing you can do about the OW. Whatever you uncover he will just find a way to hide it better.
I'm not sure if he just feels bad about what he is doing or that he still loves you however you have to open up the line of communication. I suggest looking into a Weekend To Remember. My W really didn't want to be there but during that weekend the lines of communication opened up. It was the turning point in our marriage. Dont get me wrong its not perfect but we work on our issues. Hang in there and stay prayerful during this difficult time. Grow closer to God and he will help lead you through this time.
CJ - My H stopped going to church a few months ago. I didn't know why at the time. I know about Weekend To Remember. I doubt he will go.
I think he feels bad AND he tells me he loves me.
God is the only thing keeping me sane right now.
You know Ro, I think the key, if you want to keep on keepin' on, is to let him go. Really release him in your heart and mind and then live your life accordingly.
Easier said than done but worth a try. Act as if.