Divorcebusting.com
I don't know what I'm doing trying to post a thread? I've been lurking since ilybut dropped 1/9/12. H came home from a quick trip, I smelled perfume, and said so. He blew it off! But two days later, after making love, he said he'd seen a L and was filing. Of course, I did all the wrong thing, crying, pleading, offer to mc. Nope. He packed his bags and was gone. well this is still a fog time for me, but I found the DR book and this site and have been following newcomers alot. Our history, 2nd marriage for both, no kids together, each of us has 2 each grown kids. Known each other for over 20 years. He cheated alot in his first marriage. I cheated once in my whole life with him. We worked together. I broke up both our marriages. We went on for five years before we got married. During cheating time before, first marriages broke up I got pregnant and had an abortion. No one but us knew about it. I had a horrible childhood, my mom died 3 days after I was born, had a bad stepmother, never really felt much love or trust. Bad self esteem, but somehow managed. Well all that stuff, which I never got help with came back to bite me and my husband. What I've learned in past few weeks is this: My H is a Mr. Nice Guy people pleaser, would do anything to avoid conflict. Would rarely call me on my crap. I always perceived that he was trying to control me, he always denied. He made way more money than me and pretty much lipserviced me in major decisions, but it was pretty much his decision. We retired 5 years ago and moved an hour and a half from our old home. Never felt I had any choice but to go along. H is an extrovert, me and introvert. He has thrived in this retirement, me not so much, to go from regular working lives, where alot of stuff doesn't get dealt with to being around each other 24/7, yikes. I over the past 5 years have been withdrawing from r, I have become depressed, no interest in sex, he's hugely interested in sex. Last year, he smugly told me that if I didn't with it he would find someone else! Great for my trust issues with him. He also shared all this with everyone he knows, including his mother. His father passed away 2 years ago. So then he became family patriarc, which he loves in his people pleasing role. He also has had chronic back issues for the last year and a half, which he will finally be getting surgery for. Anyway, I'm sure this is long enough, I know we both created this mess. But the papers have been filed, he's staying in the house and I am now apt. searching. I read the book ilbutnotilwy also. I see where I and dwe went so wrong. But he does not believe I will ever change. So I am doing LRT as best I can. I have never been through so much pain in my life. I don't have any girfriends, my kids are checking in with me almost daily. They don't live close. Thank God for this site, I feel like I have friends. Thank you
Posted By: Cadet Re: Husband of 17 year out the door in a hurry - 02/25/12 02:54 AM
Originally Posted By: pamkelly
I over the past 5 years have been withdrawing from r,
I have become depressed,
no interest in sex,
he's hugely interested in sex.

This is very typical thing to happen in middle age.
Coupled together with the death in the family and looks like you have the ingredients for a crisis.

What are you doing for you?
You are starting LRT so now how do you get out of depression and start living your life again?
First you have to learn how to love yourself.
You have lots of TIME now use it wisely.

Sorry you are on moderation but post frequently in small amounts and you will get off of it soon enough.

Oh and please hit carriage return when you post.
It is hard to read large blocks of type.
Posted By: labug Re: Husband of 17 year out the door in a hurry - 02/25/12 02:57 AM
Hope that's not your real name. You may want to change your screen name if it is.
Thanks for the tips. I've been reading and journalling. Trying to eat right and exercise.

Alot of practical things, like finding an apt. and dealing with what's ahead. Talking with my S27. He's had heartbreak and gets it.
It's not my full name, I actually got username and display name mixed up. Any help on how to change it? Thanks
I also need help in my signature. I put in 2 characters as a test and it tells me you have to shorten! Help, I read where it is good to have a good signature.
Journalling - I'ts really hard to not have children together. I have only seen H three times since this has all happened.

Soon after the first time I asked him to not call and that I needed to have some space to get my head together. I helped me to see that this is actually happening.
more journalling -

I feel since this is going so fast, papers filed, end date 4/24/12, having to find a new place for me, he is sooo done, that the only way I can look at it is, the divorce will be final, I will be moved out and onto my new life.

The only thing I can do on my end is to make me a better me, find some happiness with myself and hope for some interactions with H in future. Maybe then he will see what I used to be with him. I mean come on, 20+ years together.

He will probably do the grass is maybe not so green, and we can somehow find out way back to each other. This is so much a marathon.
^^^^^^
Posted By: labug Re: Husband of 17 year out the door in a hurry - 02/26/12 01:04 PM
I think she started a new thread. You might want to ask the mods to lock this one.
I have not started a new thread. I now don't know if I am locked. It looks like mods are deciding on a display name change. I am so lost here. Normally I am sort of good at tech.

Just saying I feel bad.I don't know what to do next on this board. Maybe I will just keep reading everyone else's. Although I am envious of the friendships and support you all have.
Well my display name change was approved. Just reading a lot of these threads, and there sure seems to be a lot of new heartbreaks. So sad, but they are all lucky to find this place.

I find weekends horrible, maybe because we always used to do stuff. Guess I need to find my own new stuff. Trying like crazy to detach from H. in my mind. Not think about what he is doing, thinking.
Feeling a lot of anger at this stage. I know I have to work through it. H. is such a controlled thinker and great compartmentalizer. It's just all business to him. It's hard to believe he has no feelings about the D.

But I need to stop thinking about him and focus on me.
Well, I have been into this for 6 weeks. I have not cried at all. I think I was in the shock and awe of it all. Now I seem to be able to feel and cry. Especially to acts of kindness. My realtor who got us into this house father just died. He was also out realtor. After sending my email of condolence, he wrote me back with kind words. He said the universe has a way of taking care of us when we need it. He knowes our sit. I broke down like a baby. Just to hear some kind words from anyone. Certainly not getting from smug H. I just hate him right now. He lost his dad 2 years ago and I was totally there for him. This is a 62 yo man. I lost my dad at 23. Jeez.
Well I got that out of my system for now anyway! Spoke to H on phone tonite. Just about dentist bills originally, but we chatted about other things too. H is in so much chronic back pain, awaiting surgery, I wonder if and when he feels better he will feel better about us?
Hello! I read your post on my thread this morning and I don't know how I missed this thread when it started, sorry of you feel like you haven't got much support on here. I'm on my phone, but when I get to my laptop, I can post you the 37 rules that were created by Sandi2 (she reconciled her M after she wanted to leave).

There are so many similar stories on the boards, all with their own special twists and turns.... There's no 'one size fits all' DB method- we all trial and error. The important thing to do is reflect (LOTS of reflection) on the things that do get a positive reaction- so you can repeat those and drop the rest. The other thing we say on here is to believe non of what they say and only half of what they do. I know the papers have already been filed, and I can imagine how much that hurts, but there are many members who have reconciled at this same stage, and even after the D is complete. If you want your M, than its only over when you say it is.

What have you been doing to GAL? What are the things he said that caused him to fall out of love- and what are you choosing to do about them?

Keep reaching out to other members- ill try to send some your way too smile
This is my first time on the DB site. Feeling scared and all the other range of emotions. My apologies at the outset for not having all of the abbreviations down pat. Here goes…
My H walked out the night before my birthday early in January of this year. He said that I have been “mean to him for 20 years” and we have sexless marriage. We have been together for 19 years since meeting mid sophomore year of college, and have been married for the last 9. For 12 years we have weathered the hardships of his education and training to become a physician. In that time, I supported us financially, emotionally, and managed every aspect of our lives to keep everything moving. We hardly fought except about the severe lack intimacy now and then, until our child was born and things got very bad. I suffered from severe post-partum after suffering a horrible delivery and being overwhelmed as a mom and keeping all of the above home management and a full-time career still going. The sexless relationship started a few years after we first got together. Looking back I feel I lost interest because I felt that I was on the back burner to his career goals. As an only child I craved attention even though I kept telling myself and others I could handle the life of a lonely doctor’s W. When the post-partum set in I have to admit that I did get VERY frustrated; I felt I was still doing everything on my own and now added single mom to the list. After some great individual therapy I got my relationship with our child back on track; it was really awful for the first year and half. In that time of mending, my H started his first job (post training) and had an A with a nurse. Sounds so cliché. After finding out about it nine months later, we went to couples therapy with someone who did not suit us. My biggest regret is not finding a better suited therapist after five months of wasted time, money, and effort.
Last week my H went to see my individual therapist to tell her (instead of me directly) that there is no possibility for reconciliation and he cannot understand why I am surprised about this. He repeated that he has been unhappy for a very long time, cannot take the sexless marriage, and I am “mean and nasty.” He comes over to the house (yes, we bought an extravagant house in the last six months and even talked of having another child) to see our child. He is cordial, and even gives me a hug and a peck on the top of my head. I know he loves me still and this is hard for him. I have evidence there is someone else in his life already, not sure how long it has been going on or if it is someone new or the previous person. He lives somewhere close by but I do not know. He has shrouded himself in mystery; I guess he is enjoying the control which he felt he never had in our relationship.
I do not want to give up on our marriage, it is simply not in my DNA. I read Divorce Remedy in the last few days. While the concepts are pragmatic, it seems they are well out of my reach to execute. My therapist is trying to convince to move on with my own life because my H will never come back; he is committed to his decision according to my therapist. In the last few days I put an end to my pity party; I am wearing make-up again and even doing my hair in new ways. Small differences that everyone is noticing even my H. Time is working against me, we cannot hold onto the house for too much longer. In order to keep working full time and have child care I either need to move 100 miles away to my parents or 20 miles into the big city nearby (where I work). I do not want to ever send the message that I am giving up or I am done but practicality is what I am faced with. I have no idea what to do next. I keep telling myself that my first goal is to have H home in three months. How do you reach out to someone who does not want to be with you?
Thank you Purg, I have read the book DR and all the rules. The only Galing I'm doing today is driving to the dentist in a snowstorm! Yay!! Check in later.
Your second question is harder. He said that for a very long time he felt rejected by me. That our relationship was more like brother and sister. Not enough intimacy and especially sex. I admit to all of it. I just plain took his love for granted.

He is very much a Mr. Nice Guy. He would never really call me out on my non attentiveness. Since we retired I found it hard to be together 24/7. That was 5 years ago. I just found myself pulling farther away from him. I have always felt, he tells me wrongly, that he was someone trying to control me. I think that goes back to my childhood issues (trust, loss).

I feel the walls I put up to protect myself (from loss of him) has totally pushed him away from me. The irony.
Posted By: labug Re: Husband of 17 year out the door in a hurry - 03/01/12 02:02 AM
Glad you changed your screen name. I lost you in that process I guess. It seems you, zig and I are married to men with similar traits.

When I've thought back on things it seems a bit like my H was silently keeping score and when I reached a certain number of points, he walked. Only problem was I didn't know about the score or how I got points. confused

Anyway, water under the bridge. He was and is a good man, just a little noncommunicative in the emotions dept.

I knew my problems and have worked really hard to make myself better. I was controlling, bitchy, angry, depressed not all the time but enough that even I didn't like myself much.

Keep posting and reading. I really gained so much by reading other threads.
Labug, your are exactly right. I do feel he was keeping score, then bingo, game over.
I njust noticed a post from a PrincessP. I looks like she thought she was starting her own thread. She is probably wondering why no response. Princess is you are reading my thread you may need to start a new one. This is a great place for help.
first.. PrincessP.. it's best to start your own thread and then we can post responses to you there. i'll look for you once you have your own thread. there will probably be some delays to your posts but be patient because you will be on moderation for a little
while.

hopeless.. welcome to the board! a fellow westcoaster so maybe someone else who will share my weird hours.

seems rather abrupt what your H did. really makes your head spin. funny, i was talking to a gf about a book she is currently reading and she was saying that men take the lack of interest in sex as a personal rejection. reading your post just made me think of this. maybe i need to ask her the name of the book.
I think you are in Vancouver, I'm real close in Birch Bay. I hope Princess can find her way here. My H. leaving was quick, but I think he had it in his mind for awhile. If only he had given some real notice.

It's interesting, I have a 35 yo d, she's in a R of 5 y. I told her about the book ILYBNILWU, and it is really helping them. Wish I had read it 5 y ago. My H. is having such a hard time w back pain issues, I wish that when he felt better with that he would feel better with us. But don't think so, once he makes up his mind about something that is it.

I agree that my lack of int. in sex was total rejection for him, he really valued that highly. Me not so much, b/c I felt it was just a physical thing with him so much of the time and not an intimacy thing. Men/Mars, Women/Venus?!

I just am going along with this and am going to try to be a better me and maybe someday... b/c it's all happening whether I like it or not. Nice to hear from you!
Hi hopeless! About the points...they do keep points. In the book mend from mars it says they keep points and deduct them when you do something wrong. Who knew??
Yep! he's always been that way. But I guess I forgot he was like that. Because he never let me in on the game that was happening at the time. Know it now. Maybe I can learn something from that behavior to help me now.?
Weekends suck! At least I've had some distraction - watching Godfather on AMC all day. It provides some relief. I did do myself proud. After reading other posts, I got a little paranoid about him being able to read my emails. He is very tech, me not so much. So I went in and tried to change my password, thought I did. Then today, it didn't work anymore.

Great now I have to tell him what I did, so he could fix-he loves fixing. But wait, with online help and a call to ISP provider, I got it fixed myself! Yay me.
good for you! btw.. i love the godfather!! one of my all time favourites.

yes i am in vancouver! birch bay is just a hop, skip and a jump away. my sister's inlaws have a place there. oh! i sense a GAL trip for you!

you are definitely correct about the book. men and venus and sex or something along those lines. listening to her talk about it made me think.. hmmmm.. i need to read that book.

i thought my H left rather abruptly as well but looking back.. i'm sure he had checked out emotionally long before. i just wasn't advised. actually, had things gone on a little longer.. i may have ended up being the WAS because i was questioning a lot of things. this process has made me reassess my priorities and values. never realized how strong i believe in fighting for a M and what i feel is ultimately in the best interest of my kids. who knew?
Well I don't have a passport so I need to get the extended license, another thing on to do list. I haven't really read the book mars, venus maybe I should too. Just heard alot about it and how we are so different. You should totally fight, It breaks my heart that he is walking away from a lovely women and such young children. My daughter who isn't married and has no kids is just a year younger than you. It would just kill me to see her go thru what you have. I read way back late into the nite your past threads. At 3:00 am I had to stop, maybe later I can finish them. Nice to have a west coast buddy!
Leave the gun, take the cannoli!
Has anyone been wondering about 111? Hope it going good for her.
i'd like to make the WAS a deal they can't refuse.
Or keep your friends close your enemies closer!
Well that wasn't very positive, but sometimes they do feel like the enemy!
Well H. had appt. with L today, then emailed me that we will have divorce decree in our hands April 12th. Great, just seems so easy for him, but that is how he is. Mr. Efficiancy. Feels like 1,0000 daggers a day. I just need to somehow look forward and have a belief that things will feel better.
ok.. i just reread your sitch and it made me think of my in-laws. they were married for 32 yrs but FIL had cheated a couple of times during their relationship. but they always managed to stay together. FIL is a very social person.. loves to go out.. very affectionate. MIL more reserved.. homebody.. more distant.

anyway.. about 6 yrs ago FIL was diagnosed w/ prostate cancer and went all weird. he was upset because MIL and he weren't having sex.. he started seeing another women.. lied through his teeth about it! they ended up separating because she had had enough. when hey separated, MIL became a different person. travelled.. went to vegas.. took helicopter tour.. and then my FIL suddenly took noticed and said.. how come she's doing all these things now but when we were together she would never go anywhere?

and then he pursued pursued pursued.. trying to get back together w/ her saying he made a mistake. i think he also finally saw the loss of "the family" because H and i use to go over and visit.. have tea.. play cards etc. but by then it was too late. because she had met someone else and didn't want to put up w/ him anymore.

i guess my point is.. what are you doing to GAL?
Originally Posted By: hopeless in wa
Well H. had appt. with L today, then emailed me that we will have divorce decree in our hands April 12th. Great, just seems so easy for him, but that is how he is. Mr. Efficiancy. Feels like 1,0000 daggers a day. I just need to somehow look forward and have a belief that things will feel better.


So sorry you find yourself here. I know how much it hurts.
I am wondering why you are being so passive and going along with everything H wants. What about you?
You could have your L contest the terms of the D if they are not what you agree with. This would give you at least another year before it goes to trial or becomes final.
I live in WA too.
Trouble is, there is really nothing to disagree with, in fact he is being pretty generous.
((((( hopeless ))))) hang in there.

have you thought about what you want?

tell us about the positives. what worked in your relationship?
Originally Posted By: PrincessP
This is my first time on the DB site. Feeling scared and all the other range of emotions. My apologies at the outset for not having all of the abbreviations down pat. Here goes…
My H walked out the night before my birthday early in January of this year. He said that I have been “mean to him for 20 years” and we have sexless marriage. We have been together for 19 years since meeting mid sophomore year of college, and have been married for the last 9. For 12 years we have weathered the hardships of his education and training to become a physician. In that time, I supported us financially, emotionally, and managed every aspect of our lives to keep everything moving. We hardly fought except about the severe lack intimacy now and then, until our child was born and things got very bad. I suffered from severe post-partum after suffering a horrible delivery and being overwhelmed as a mom and keeping all of the above home management and a full-time career still going. The sexless relationship started a few years after we first got together. Looking back I feel I lost interest because I felt that I was on the back burner to his career goals. As an only child I craved attention even though I kept telling myself and others I could handle the life of a lonely doctor’s W. When the post-partum set in I have to admit that I did get VERY frustrated; I felt I was still doing everything on my own and now added single mom to the list. After some great individual therapy I got my relationship with our child back on track; it was really awful for the first year and half. In that time of mending, my H started his first job (post training) and had an A with a nurse. Sounds so cliché. After finding out about it nine months later, we went to couples therapy with someone who did not suit us. My biggest regret is not finding a better suited therapist after five months of wasted time, money, and effort.
Last week my H went to see my individual therapist to tell her (instead of me directly) that there is no possibility for reconciliation and he cannot understand why I am surprised about this. He repeated that he has been unhappy for a very long time, cannot take the sexless marriage, and I am “mean and nasty.” He comes over to the house (yes, we bought an extravagant house in the last six months and even talked of having another child) to see our child. He is cordial, and even gives me a hug and a peck on the top of my head. I know he loves me still and this is hard for him. I have evidence there is someone else in his life already, not sure how long it has been going on or if it is someone new or the previous person. He lives somewhere close by but I do not know. He has shrouded himself in mystery; I guess he is enjoying the control which he felt he never had in our relationship.
I do not want to give up on our marriage, it is simply not in my DNA. I read Divorce Remedy in the last few days. While the concepts are pragmatic, it seems they are well out of my reach to execute. My therapist is trying to convince to move on with my own life because my H will never come back; he is committed to his decision according to my therapist. In the last few days I put an end to my pity party; I am wearing make-up again and even doing my hair in new ways. Small differences that everyone is noticing even my H. Time is working against me, we cannot hold onto the house for too much longer. In order to keep working full time and have child care I either need to move 100 miles away to my parents or 20 miles into the big city nearby (where I work). I do not want to ever send the message that I am giving up or I am done but practicality is what I am faced with. I have no idea what to do next. I keep telling myself that my first goal is to have H home in three months. How do you reach out to someone who does not want to be with you?


at first I thought this was someone else posting...

Princess you need to start your own story, which we call a "thread" here. Like I did when I first came here, you "hijacked" someone else's story

and it gets hard to post to her versus you. Very confusing.

So start your own thread under newcomers and then new topic...(I think)

Also stick to one thread for YOUR feedback or it gets too hard for us to follow it. Details will be left out in one post but will appear in another one, and it is easier for US to help you

which is what you want. Also--I will post to you as soon as you have your own thread.

But please break up your narrative into short bursts or paragraphs b/c it's much easier to read, as opposed to lengthy single spaced pages.

The 37 rules mentioned here, were Assembled by Sandi and they are based on DB principles - so it's not just one woman's suggestions, but the books and DB approach itself serve as the basis.

Good luck and keep posting. This program works if you work it.

Save yourself first, and the marriage may well survive too.

Regardless you will be a happier woman for this.
Originally Posted By: hopeless in wa
Well my display name change was approved. Just reading a lot of these threads, and there sure seems to be a lot of new heartbreaks. So sad, but they are all lucky to find this place.

I find weekends horrible, maybe because we always used to do stuff. Guess I need to find my own new stuff. Trying like crazy to detach from H. in my mind. Not think about what he is doing, thinking.
]


Good!!...but why are YOU moving out? Have you seen a lawyer yet? Don't move out without talking to one FIRST...

and as a L myself, I cannot imagine being the one to leave if I'm not the one wanting out.

Just curious...but see a L asap. Seeing a lawyer means getting knowledge, and knowledge is power.

you don't have to DO anything by talking to a L
, just get the info so you know what your rights are...

I fear you are at a serious disadvantage at this moment. I don't know your h, but statistically speaking, men are big planners when it comes to leaving their m's...

You need to catch up fast.
My H is adamant about this d. I live in a community property state, so that is pretty cut and dried. I can't afford to stay in this house. I will be seeing a L before anything is finalized. H offered to pay for it. My brother works for Public Defender ofc. says just have a L look at things before final. I am getting spousal support for 4 years, till my retirement kicks in and I am getting half of everything we have including retirement and some of his social security. Thanks for your concern.
I am going to see a lawyer, for sure.
did you see the lawyer yet? just wondering what's happening w/ you.
thanks for checking in. Haven't yet, I did get a name from my brother, but I need to get a copy of latest drafts to be able to take to her. Been online for hours looking for an apt. Craigslist is pretty helpful. I know I really have no grounds or means to stop this thing. It is all very amicable at this point and other than telling him I don't want this there really isn't much I can do. I'm going to protect myself legally and financially.
Posted By: NLW Re: Husband of 17 year out the door in a hurry - 03/09/12 08:49 AM
Hi HiWA,

I'm sorry that you're finding yourself in this situation.

I don't want to be a downer, but just a tip based on my own recent experience.
My H of 15 years was completely amicable UNTIL we started talking finances.
He turned into something completely alien, out of fear, when he started to see what splitting up would really mean for his lifestyle.

Just saying, be prepared to have to fight to protect yourself.
Your H may go feral like mine did.

I wish you all the best.

NLW.
Well we have talked all the finances. Since this is a community property state we are both getting half. The only question I will have for my L. will be in regards to spousal support. From everything I've read there is no formula but when people are close to retirement, we are already there the judge would agree with what we are doing. Get me to 62 1/2 and then he will be done with the spousal support. In the beginning, he offerred to let me keep the house, but then I would have to buy him out. That would mean turning over a lot of the money that I will be living on in my future. H. has offered to pay for my dental appts, eyeglass appt., he even offered to take me for my colonoscopy! and pay for it. H told me I just you to be ok. He's offered to drive me around to apts. I just can't come up with stall tactics.
Time to create some mystery.

It almost seems harder when they're nice. You can't get angry.. There's no outright.. You always do this.. To fix.. So what to do?

I think the only thing to do is GAL. Maybe the intrigue lures them back.. But if not, then at least we haven't been sitting around waiting! smile

I forgot to answer your question about where I went! My gf has a cottage in point Roberts. Isolated but nice there! My sisters in laws have a place in birch bay! I'll be heading to ocean shores next week. Pretty excited!!

Hope you're doing ok. ((( )))
Just across the border! I just posted to Crimson about where I am right now. The gal I'm doing is finding a great place to live because this train has left the station. If you read my crimson post you will know where I am. Some H's won't be db'd except in a subtle, slow way I'm thinking. I've held onto continuing ed. catalogs, maybe for summer, too much to do before spring qrt. starts. I really want to thank you for keeping track of me. Never been to Ocean Shores, used to go to Kalaloch w/first husband, and Lincoln City and Yahats in Ore. for beach vaca's. Hope you have a great time. Don't they have horseback riding at Ocean Shores? If not gt some kites! Fondly
Thanks for posting to my thread HWA. I'm sorry that you are finding yourself in this situation - but it seems like you are doing your best to adjust and that is all that can be reasonably expected. Frankly, this board has been a life saver for me. I have also found that GAL really does help take some of the pain away - so keep it up. You are pretty early in the process, so do what you can to make time your friend. That is some of the best advice I got here.

Chin up!

Crimson
Thanks for your kind words.
Just to give you my thoughts on the the husband being amicable until finances come up. That is a touch spot for me, too - though I am on the receiving end of D and make more money than w. I make it a point to never speak to her about it even when I am handing her checks. You are dead on when you say it is a lifestyle change. I, and presumably your H, think "wow, I have worked so hard to put a nice life together, sacrificed, done without - and now it's all fading". As inherent "providers" that is a bitter pill to swallow'. Truthfully, I am not mad at my wife - more just mad at the circumstances sometimes. I was also p*ssed when my L said "it's only money! you'll make it back!". Yeah - says the guy billing me x-hundred dollars per hour.

Anyhoo.....don't take the finance stuff too personally. I am trying not too, but it is hard.

Keep Calm and Carry On.

Crimson
Ok, so I am so new at this. I just decided I have been on this d. diet long enuf. I have lost like 18 lbs in 1/12 months, I love breakfast. We have a new diner that H and I have been to a couple of times, So I went by myself with my sunday paper and had breakfast. ok, so I couldn't east much but, it was great, plus an attractive single man was also checking me out didn't hurt. So this was my first major galing event. Now I'm so exhausted, taking a nap, which i love to do! Yay me!
I'm glad to hear you got out!!!! And to eat by yourself!!! Huge step. I remember the first time I went to see a movie by myself.. I was in my 20's.. In between classes and thought.. I really want to see that movie! So I went.. And it was great. I also wasn't the only person there alone. What initially seemed like a scary experience turned out to be great.

Nothing quite like being able to sit and read without feeling like you're oblgated to talk to someone. Oh how I treasure those quiet moments!

Did you have crazy windstorms today?
bf, yes horrible winds, did not lose power, but had flashlight ready. Monday is garbage day, my can blows over so I didn't even put out. Did put out recycle glass, cans, etc. Went out later, somebody took my empty bin, and there is so much blown garbage in my yard! This would usually be H. job, of well! Yes it was great to get out and be a big girl. My kids were very happy for me. Had an hour long convo w h. about d. papers i need for my l., finances, my apt. search, jeez, it seems so normal to talk to them, then after were done I just need a nap. So draining! He so needs to get his back surgery. Cranky!
H. birthday coming up. I decided to get him a couple of back pain books. Pretty neutral, I think because of his age, arthritis stenosis will not get fixed. One was on that. The other about how your injury (for him sports) initially started the whole mess, repressed emotion will keep it going. Don't think I will give him that one, because he does repress his emotions, and it may not be db., going to read it myself first, then decide. He is always been this upstanding, helful mr. nice guy, fixer. Trying to not focus on him, to detach, to focus on my apt. search. Doing it for hours on craigslist, making a spreadsheet for pros and cons, emailing for availibility. Imagining myself in these places w/o him is hell. I look forward to the day when I'm in my new place, everything done and able to just breathe. Then since he still wants to be friends, and everytime we talk or see each other he always says was so nice to see you or talk that maybe I can be a new and improved me...It was a 17 year marriage, maybe in 17 months. Who knows, I'm just trying to fight the good fight day by day.
Has anyone see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? Sometimes I just wish I could do that.
Do you sometimes wake up in the morning and just can't believe this is happening. "What's wrong with him? Why doesn't he just come home and work this out? Am I that horrible? We have had so many years together? What great thing is out there? He's 63 years old." I hate mornings. Waking up every day to the realization.
Well saw 2 places today, they were horrible. I sat in my car afterward and just started to get angry. Why am I having to leave a lovely home to live in a depressing place, just because he won't give us another chance? It's so hard to leave it all behind, like I said earlier, I still wake up every morning not believing this is really happening. It really gave me a sad look at my future. So I got home and got right back on computer to find more options. Seeing 2 more tommorrow, hopefully they will be better. How hard does life have to get?
I feel so bad right now, if I didn't have kids, I don't know what I'd do. No, I know what I would do. I just feel like I can't fake it anymore. I'm so tired and sick of this. I don't understand it. He is so ok with it and cold. wth, just to drop this all with such ease, I don't think h has found someone, So sick of trying to be strong. I don't know how to be positive and do all this. Maybe just having a bad nite, but starting to feel like they are all bad nites.
Actually crying tonite, which I have done like 2 times, maybe it is just sinking in, after having to see my "NEW LIFE". Makes me sick and angry and... please someone give me some wisdom.
I just hate him so much! That's just a statement, but it's how i feel.
Finally one day you'll decide OK, I've given this enough of my life. Now I have to take care of me.

But in the meantime, you have to do things for you, GAL, read inspiring stories, take up a new hobby, take walks, whatever.

For all intents and purposes, he's gone, act accordingly.

Hating him is not accepting what it, and will not allow you to move forward.
hopeless.. my heart aches for you..

if you need to cry.. then do it. but try not to let the pain and anger defeat you.

i had my moments where i felt utterly defeated. i was truly a mess. and with 2 little ones.. it was a bad scene. but i think the one thing i did right was admitting i needed help. i took it where i could get it. my mom.. my friends.. meds.. it took all that i had to get myself out of that hole. LRT also helped immensely.

i don't know when things "felt" better. i just know it did. one day at a time. one of the things that really lifted my mood at the time was reading the ongoing jokes from the other members. speedos.. hamsters.. whatever!

you can not control your H but you can control you and your choices.

in the beginning, i had to keep busy whenever i wasn't with the kids because it just made me feel sad. the minute i was alone.. i would start spinning things in my head. slowly.. day by day.. i learned to hear myself and rediscovered the person i had lost.

i'm thinking about you. keep posting. you may think no one hears you but we do. take some comfort in that.

((((((( hiw ))))))))
Barely, hi. Well what a difference a day makes. Had 2 more apt. viewings today. Well I found a really great one! It's really nice, kind of up to the same quality as our home. And I have a nice greenbelt for a view. I could really see myself there and likng it. After the 2 depressing ones from yesterday, for the same price I was elated. Plus owner told me they had dropped the rent $120 am month. So this is like the first day since bomb that I actually felt some relief.
glad you are feeling better. enjoy the moments of relief. eventually.. the good feelings outweigh the bad.

ocean shores next week! i'm going to hope the winds die down! although i imagine the ocean would look beautiful w/ a windstorm.
Thank you! I am, this has been a really good day. Feel like I can look forward for me. This weather is driving me crazy! We had thunder and pouring rain while the sun was out!

Hope we get spring before before vaca at OS!
it was hailing earlier today and then was warm enough to walk around without my coat in the afternoon. but by the evening.. it was c-c-c-cold!!

so what are you going to do for GAL this weekend? i bought a kit to make cute pin cushions in the shape of a cake stand and a couple of pastries. i'm going to attempt to make it while i'm away at OS as a housewarming present for a gf. should be interesting as i am not very good at sewing!

when do you move? i'm glad you can picture yourself living in the new space. i hope you feel empowered once you are set up w/ your things.

what has been happening w/ H? have you had any contact recently?
Hi, I have been so busy apt. hunting, i MUST clean house tommorrow. I signed the lease to start April 15. Alot to be done before that. Was just making a huge to do list. Talked to h today about money transfer to pay for apt. He is cooperative, but cranky. He has had chronic back pain for months. Thru VA he is finally scheduled for surgery April 5th. It was his birthday and he wasn't going to do anything. He sounds down and detached, don't think it has anything to do with what's happening to us, that's just business to him, I think he has been couch surfing, cheap hotels for 2 months and his pain is getting to him. I offerred to come down to Seattle for his surgery, he just said no. Not no thanks, just no. He is usually a cheerful guy, but I find myself going you just can't think about him and how he is feeling. Right! So I am sort of in soldier mode, get stuff done, a day at a time. It is so nice that I at least have the condo stuff out of the way. Pretty much, if I can accomplish one thing a day I can manage without becoming overwhelmed. Say what is your job? I heard you mention scrubs. Anyway thanks for checking in.
it's good to keep busy! even if it's just cleaning and packing. when you're in your new place and your are more settled.. hopefully you'll be able to come up with a few things you've always wanted to do and then go do them!

H will need to work on his own issues in his own time. the couch surfing and cheap hotels will soon wear on him i'm sure. my H is going to be losing his roommate/close friend in a couple of weeks and i think the reality of that is starting to hit him.

i've been thinking about rearranging the stuff at home to make it more "my space". going to have to look for those things you put under furniture to slide them around easier (those as seen on tv things). create a tranquil space that isn't unfamiliar but that doesn't remind me that H has left.

hope you manage to have some down time!
Exactly! That is so funny, I was thinking I'd have to go buy those slider things!
I found some that you stick to the furniture but I am looking do something just to move it around once. I have a plan.. Just need to execute it. smile
Let me know how you do! In case I don't post have a really great trip. I don't imagine you will posting on your trip, well maybe you will. Anyway, have fun!
i am posting on my trip. gotta love free wifi. and i can hear the ocean just outside. i love it.. but am frightened by it as well. never felt that way before but with the recent tsunamis over the years... needless to say, i have the evacuation plan right where i can grab it. will be putting my phone and keys there too. paranoid much?? i think it's because of the kids.

i thought of you when i drove by the birch bay area. i've never actually been and it's just across the border! that might be a nice day trip w/ the kids?

there were actually a couple of moments when i thought of you. my most prominent thought was.. what is it you want? i don't mean that in a "what's your plan?" sort of way. i was just wondering.

i reread your original post and was reminded of your "bomb". it seemed pretty clear that you were hoping to R? is that still the case? or are you just trying to sort your feelings out? (because that's totally ok too!).

i'm not asking because i want to give advice or anything. i just want to know where you're at. i feel a kinship us being westcoast girls!

(((( ))))
Hi, so surprised to hear from you! I get the tsunamis thing. Birch Bay is so shallow and we are blocked by Vancouver Island. Plus we are up high enough, did check with realtor before we bought. I thought of you driving by Birch Bay too!

My plan is to go along with this because I can't control h. This is going forward whether I like it or not. I did set up an appt. for an attorney to go over everything before final.

My plan for me is to get on with my life, be a better me, and maintain a friendship with h. Going to keep db'ing for me, maybe in 17 months (17 years m.) if we have enough contact, maybe he will see the woman he fell in love with. If not, I will be ok. Right now just the process of db gives me hope while dealing with this horrible new thing I'm going through.

I certainly feel a kinship with you as well! I won't be in Birch Bay much longer. But I will be moving to B'ham, by Whatcom CC. Maybe I'll find a fun cont. ed class! After I turn 60 I can audit classes at WWU for $10 a credit. Love art history.

So that's pretty much where I'm at. H. done, but I'm not, yet.
Have a great time, weather is looking up. Really glad you have wifi!
Well, here at the 2 and half month since this started. I have to admit it's better than in the beginning. Where every day you wake up in disbelief and shock. It's now just something to be dealt with. I try to anticipate now. I know when I see him it will tailspin me. Haven't seen him much. Also phone calls, always about practical d. stuff, but usually some communication about what's going on in our lives. That throws me. It''s almost better when no contact.

That doesn't mean that I only got about 4 hours sleep last nite, woke up obsessing w thought of him. Finally got up and did errands. But then driving by all the places we used to go, resturants, etc. I feel the pain and then go well that's going to happen and try to put out of my head. It's like constantly being tested. And then you have to make it pass. I think once I get out of our house and neighborhood it will be better. I look forward to the day when I am in my own place, all settled in, all the moving crap and the list of 40 things I have to do is done, the papers are signed I can really move forward and get on really to me.

I'm by no means done with this m. He may be, but I'm not. I will decide. I wonder how he is going to feel when he moves back into our home, with all of me erased? We did have some good times here. I know, I live with the memory of them every day.

Starting to pack up. What a pain. But it is busywork. NOt looking forward to when he has to be here to divide up mutual stuff, like kitchen. Oh well, get thru another day.
Starting to see the beautiful yard and landscape we planned together coming to life. It's sort of heartbreaking. We also maintained a very bird friendly back yard. They were our "pets". I mean birdseed aint cheap. My new place I won't be able to have bird feeders. Too messy for people below me. Maybe just a hummingbird feeder. Another hurt to the heart. Plus as weather gets better, we always used to have deck time. Just enjoying the view and music and being together. Man, how did this go from that to this? Well can't dwell, or it will drive me crazy. These are the thoughts that keep me from sleeping and eating. Ok, so back into disbelief mode. Stop sign and feel sad. Know I have to "feel" the sad or I may never feel good again. It's just amazing to me that he was such a good actor, never saw it coming. I mean 2 weeks before bomb he was checking into hotel prices in Seattle, so maybe we could stay on a future visit. So confusing.
Well h. emailed today that he needs to come over friday and possible sat. to do some yard work, and do some work on my computer. Going to make sure I clear history and don't have this website up! After getting email, it did put me into dread mode. Because I know how I feel after he leaves. Plus 2 days in a row, acting as if. Plus getting into discussion about seperation of stuff. Yuck! But if I prepare for the visit and remember how I usually feel, it won't be too bad. He's doing yard work, because we are FINALLY getting some good weather! Right Barely?
yes! i thought of you again when i drove by birch bay on my way home. also thought.. wouldn't it be fun to go to one of the casinos as a GAL activity? i hear they're supposed to be fun. i will let you know!

so if H is coming over.. that will be a good time to show him what he'll be missing. 180's? i have a hard time w/ this at the moment so i just hide. lol. and you will look beautiful because i know you are.

you can't imagine how happy i was to see the lights on the bc mountains and know that i was so close to home. dreaded seeing H but, wanted the comfort of home. tomorrow.. i'm looking for those furniture sliding things. i need to start doing the things i planned on doing. time's a wasting! lol.
Hi glad you are home safe! Yes I am looking good. It's funny my h is a pretty good black jack player. Me can't do the math. 180, to be cheerful, not depressed and I don't know what! So nervewracking. I wanted to check in b4 he got here, hoping for a kind word. Thank you so much. Be checking in after he leaves.
Well, spent a great day with H. The weather was great, we took a trip into town to get car title, registration mess taken care of. Had easy conversation, just like always. Then sat right next to each other for most of the afternoon working on my computer. Had some snacks, opened a bottle of white zin. That's what just kills me. I looked good, was cheerful, it was all so normal and familiar. It makes me miss him so much. This is when my looong term thinking has to kick in. We will stay in contact, he will see good changes in me and maybe???

Right after bomb, I got the book ILUBINILWU, it was before I knew about db. I gave him the book to read with all sorts of notes in the margin plus a letter detailing all of the things I did wrong. Well today as he was leaving, he said he had started to read it. Wow, i'ts not going to stop D. and me moving, I get that, but I'm glad he's somewhat willing to take a look. My 35 year old d. and her bf were having troubles. I rec. that book to her and she said it is really helping. Anyway, going to have another glass of white zin and try not to obsess about anything. Plus he's coming back tommorrow to do yard work. We will see how that goes. We hugged goodbye and I held on and said human contact and he hugged me again. Not reading into any of that but it felt good.
I'm happy to hear you had a great day with you h. It is good that he is reading the book...you never know!

I know what you mean about it feeling normal when you're with your h. We went in our first date wince being separated last week and it had its ups and downs but for the most part it felt normal...like we didn't skip a beat. Now that is on my end...not sure what he was thinkingbor feeling.
i'm so glad you had a nice day w/ H. and if your H is anything like mine.. him reading the book you suggested is huge! and it must be really nice to have human contact. no expectations. but i'm really happy you had a good day.

tomorrow should bring beautiful weather too? it was gorgeous today. and warm. i just looked up the book you mentioned. also saw a couple of other books. i'm curious.. why are some kindle books more expensive then their printed versions? isn't that odd?

hoping for more positive interactions w/ you and H tomorrow. you seem like an incredibly woman. H is a fool. hope he's not a fool for too long.

(((( )))) wish i could drive down an give you a human contact hug!!! smile
Well, it was a nice day. BUT it really changes nothing, and him reading the book, maybe down the line it may do something. But I just can't go there. I have to be so careful of expectations. I mean he also brought me boxes and packing tape. This is so hard. We walked around the yard. I said you have to invite me back when all in bloom. He said sure. Ahh, so hard. But you know. Are you feeling any better tonite?

I don't have a kindle, maybe in my future.

Thank god for this place!
Barely, I can't find you on this board. Would you post something so I can find you??
ok, I found you!
If you click on a posters name to the left of their posts, and then click on View Posts, you can get a listing of their posts.

Makes it much easier to find people.
HinW,

I am glad that you had some connection time with your H. I will be moving out of our home in another week.

But for the past few weeks since we "agreed to separate" on the nights we are both home, we still sit in front of the tv and watch a show or two on Netflix. I bring dinner home occasionally and make sure I have some for her if she wants it. Some nights she does, some she doesn't.

All I can do is try to remain positive but aloof.

It sounds like you are doing a good job of that yourself. Keep it up!

Q1
H. is here right now. It is torture!!!! He's out taking care of the yard we planned together. Cleaning up my herb garden that I won't be here to see. Playing the music on the deck, which we always used to enjoy together. Heartbreaking, and I am having to hide all my feelings. I hate this. But I have to carry on. Will post later after he leaves.
hang in there. (((( )))) it's another beautiful day. should be a beautiful night too.
Thanks for the tip Labug. And thank you barely and quorum. Well, what a day. I'm pretty drained and sort of numb tonite. Spent all day doing yardwork with h. It's just so sad. We spent so much of our time out on the deck, just like today. Knowing it's all going to end. Just plain sad tonite and trying not to think too much.
Wow, not reading ANYTHING into this, but just got a text from h. He said - thanks for the help. Had a nice day. I text back - you are welcome. it was nice hanging ov with you! I am a terrible texter. It's sort of nice to know he was thinking of me. Makes tonites sadness a little better.
These last 2 days have put me into a tailspin. Damn rollercoaster. Just want it to be over. The mindreading, expectations, crazymaking. It just makes me not want to ever see him again. I don't know how you guys with kids, where you have to see all the time, deal.

I just want to go very dark. I'm seeing my L. tuesday, to go over final draft of d. papers. Might just not get back to him for a time. Just sick of this and wish I could just wake up and not have to deal with crappy life. It is so hard, I feel like I'm in a ten round boxing match, and I've only had the first punch. Sick of it. Just wish I could have some peace and relief. I know it is not going to come from him. I know, GAL, who cares, i have to get packed in the next 2 weeks and move myself into my new "great life". Whohoo. Have good thoughts about myself, GAL, don't think about him.

This place helps but I feel like I fabricate strength, like I'm talking myself into feelings that I don't really feel. I feel like such a fake db'r. I know what is said to help on this board, but not feeling it tonite. Hope I wake up tommorrow and things look better. Maybe I'm just having a pity party tonite after all this contact with h. So tired, going to try to sleep. This is not to say I feel REAL support here from great people. This negativism is just me and looking at my truth. I really appreciate my friends here. Just don't know if I'm worthy.
ok, I'm worthy. I just feel really bad tonite. Having these two days with him is killer. Like I said, I don't know how you guys with kids, who have to deal daily with S. So much emotional turmoil. But it keeps you in contact. I'm afraid after d. is final in 2 weeks, we will have no contact. How can he see my changes? Anyone out there who has similar sit, How to keep any contact for us??? I am really feeling hopeless. Like this is it. Over and done with, Can anyone help me?
Quote:
This place helps but I feel like I fabricate strength, like I'm talking myself into feelings that I don't really feel. I feel like such a fake db'r.


I think we all fabricate strength in the beginning but in continuing to do that eventually you begin to unearth the real strength you have inside you. The trouble comes when you don't act from that place of strength and continue to allow his actions to dictate your feelings.

Quote:
The mindreading, expectations, crazymaking
Stop those thoughts when they arise and do something nice for you, learn something new, go to a new place, start a new activity, volunteer somewhere.

By getting enmeshed in a relationship, we lose the person we were before the R. Reacquaint yourself with that person and build on that.

Who is HIW? (and you're not hopeless)
Quote:
(and you're not hopeless)
but continuing to think you are is only hurting you.
Originally Posted By: labug
I think we all fabricate strength in the beginning but in continuing to do that eventually you begin to unearth the real strength you have inside you. The trouble comes when you don't act from that place of strength and continue to allow his actions to dictate your feelings.

Good post labug! I agree!
HIW.. welcome to LBS adventureland! where the rides never seem to end and they leave you completely spinning!

the old adage.. fake it 'til you make it rings true here. if you have had a chance to read a thread here from the beginning.. you'll probably notice changes in the person that they may not even be aware of themselves.

as for your pity party.. who better to have a pity party with than people who are in the same boat themselves? you are definitely worthy.. of all that.. and more.

you are going to have a "great life". and once you're in your own space, you'll be able to continue to find yourself. when you're happy and at peace with yourself, people can't help but notice (at least that's what i'm telling myself!). lol.

(((( ))))
Barely hi, Been doing a lot of packing today. Trying to forget the weekend. Hopefully I can just go dark for a few days. Hard going through things, especially like birthday cards, etc. from h. Oh the goood old days!
So just more packing and getting prepared to see my lawyer tommorrow. How much fun can it get!
oh yes.. incredibly fun stuff. and to boot.. it's a grey day. but sunny days are coming.. i'm pretty sure of it smile will be up late again tonight at work. hang in there. you're doing an amazing job holding yourself together.

how often do you see your kids? do you have grandkids?
Hi, what is your job, I thought I saw scrubs somewhere? My d. 35, live in NYC. Every few years. My S 27 lives in Seattle. Not very often. 3 or 4 times a year. He's in his second to last qrt. at the U. A late bloomer! No grandkids. We have been burning thru the cell minutes, so that's good. This whole disaster has had one good byproduct, we are all a lot more connected. They love me and I love them. Thank God for kids!
Got back from my L earlier. She brought up financial things I didn't have some answers for. Had to talk to H. for 1/2 hour to get clarification. Fun. I hope things can be worked out without it becoming messy or expensive. But I do feel looked after by her. Guess more packing is in my future tonite. All this work is probably good to keep my mind from looking back, regret or forward, fear.
i'm glad you feel taken care of from your L. that would set your mind at ease a bit i would hope? earlier today i was thinking.. i will feel much better when everything is tidy and back in order. i use to be such a neat freak. the past few years have driven me crazy because everything was so out of control. downsize.. and create a calming space. i hope it happens soon!!

your son is in seattle? not too far off. but i guess college life keeps him busy. thank goodness for phone cards.. skype.. internet.. helps to keep up w/ loved ones!

did you say you're moving to bellingham?
Yes, Bellingham, found a nice condo in the Cordata area, by Whatcom Comm. College. You should see my house right now! Looks like a bomb went off.
I just have to say, if I couldn't come here every day, I don't know where I'd be. Thank you Michelle! I swear it is the only thing keeping me sane. It's like having friends who totally get it!! Just reading everyone's stories, makes me feel like I'm not alone, that I'm not the only one in the world to mess up. I think I should change my screen name to grateful in wa. How would I do that?
Working out the finanacial stuff is horrible. From info from him I have to see if my keeping the house would benefit me in the long run. Waiting till tommorrow to do that - I think I may have to consult a financial planner to see if I'm getting a fair deal. Yuck!
How do you try to take care of yourself with finances in sep. agreement, without p. H. off? It's been amicable till now, now since I got L. I just don't. I think he IS trying to be fair, I've been operating in that capacity, but now it's coming down to the real deal. He's the one running the numbers here, but I'm looking at living off of $854 s.sec. at age 67 and he's going to have a ton of money. I'm 58 now. I'm going to get some expert advise for my own well being. I need to look out for me in my "old age". But how does this work for db'ing. Is this going to wreck the reasonalbe relationship - still want to be friends? I am so sick of this. So much uncertainty.
I'm really seeing what happened to end us. Anyway, this friend of his, I would say best friend has been struggling w his m. for a long time. I'm sure because they spend a lot of time together, they commisserate, they wind it up, "get divorced". Because of convo. w h. today, he mentioned his friend said get a lawyer, blah, blah, blah,.

He seems to be invested in all this.
I really think his friend is living vicariously thru our div. sorry about spelling. This guy, is like a guru to my h. in workplace, and h. thinks he is a god like figure. My ex has some serious insecurity issues. he really puts this guy, at some really high level?? I think he is really bright but really screwed up He has a horrible marriage and doesn't treat his wife vey well. I hate him and the influence he has on my h. The weekend he came home from a visit to him, h. dropped bomb. I feel like he filled my h. head with all sorts of crap, that he was projecting about his m. but none of this matters, my h. is d. me. i just have had a realization about how susceptible my stbx is to outside influence,. but I did know that he has insecurities. I'm just realizing how an insecure spouse can be affected by outside influences and it pisses me off, He, the friend, is trying to work out his own crap with his wife with my h.
The bomb dropped after he spent weekend w him. This all became apparent tody after H. said, his friend said, right gefore he dropped bomb yes you need to get a lawyer and advisng him about all legal matters. Hate him. Friend said?? and is advising him. I really think, my h. is insecure and letting a STRONG friend who has marriage issues influence him. Weak husband, my crap, equals divorce.
Plus my h. has chronic pain, which he is getting surgery for April 5. His dad died 2 years ago, I don't know, plus a friend? egging him on to resolve his own bad marriage issues. Can I ever fix this. Don't think so, just have to do the best for me and get on with a new better me, It's just so hard. Sometimes, no, a lot of times, I don't even want to get up in morning. Only thing to make me, is my kids. So much regret, so much fear. Well if i survive this i will be a stonger person. so what? Can't see and feel into future and can't fake it. Right now, feel like crap. I hope someone responds to this. Feeling very alone right now.
Hi HiWA,

So sorry that you are feeling down. I've been there too, and I know how hard its is.

Please believe that it does get better.

Something that really helped me was reading 'Co-dependent No More'. I'd suggest strongly that you have a look at this book.

My thoughts are with you.

You are not alone. You will get through this.

NLW
((((( ))))) I am in point Roberts right now so can't write a long post. Just wanted you to know that you're not alone!

Try to do something for yourself right now. Hang in there. You are a person only a fool could leave right? Try to focus on how that looks. Will check back later.
Thanks NLW and BF. Just had some good news. I contacted a divorce cpa to consult. At first he said $1200, I emailed back, I'm retired, fixed income, just need a one time thing. He emailed back, saying because I was upfront about my needs he will do it pro-bono. Somehow the universe is smiling at me today!
happy news about the lawyer!

i know how you feel about the possible influence of friends. my H has all single friends and they have no responsibilities except to themselves. must seem like a nice life.

but the reality.. we can't control who influences them and who does not. we can only control our own choices.

i'm going to try those slider pads tomorrow and attempt to move the couch! i'll let you know if they work. lol
Hi, I just spent hours reading netmaster threads? Trying to learn from everyones stories. When I got back I see you posted, I always go, Barely! You feel like such a friend to me and I thank you. That rant about his friend, well I just was thinking after talking to H. about l. and the advise his friend gave and it got me to thinking. I'm at the point I know I have no control over anything concerning H.

I had an interesting chat with my d. bf dad tonite. They are very concerned my h. isn't trying to get anything by me in settlement. He's a cynical old irish man, his words. Practically the first thing he said was, you need to DETACH! Cracked me up inside! He was giving good advise. He was saying the feelings I have now about h. won't matter a whit after the d. Look out for yourself now. It's your future. I have always trusted h., but he's right, have to look out for myself for future. So glad I'm getting some financial expertise. I don't think h. is trying to screw me, but he's not an expert and I need to make sure his calculations are fair. Kind of dreading appt. too much math! Anyway, I hope this will answer some questions. Or it will open a whole can of worms with H. But h. is gone and I have to look out for my future. It's hard to db when you may have to p. them off. This whole thing suxs.

How you doing? and do let me know how slidy things work. O btw, when you said you you at Pt. Roberts, my H. and I often went to Semiyamhoo to eat and we could see White Rock and I think Pt. Roberts. Take care.
How long have you been married?

What kind of pension does he have?
17 years. He has and IRA, which he is getting a lot of because he came into marriage with it. WA community property state.
Jeez, this stuff is never simple! Saw a divorce financial planner. He said my h. didn't compute something right about his retirement. I means 26K in my favor. Also guy rec. I get 4 more years of spousal support. Told h. he's not too happy with this (me). Anyway he said his lawyer said he was computing it right. Waiting to hear from f. planner about what he said. I hope we can work this out before it gets messy. So will have to wait till Monday to hear back. Going to try not to think about and stay busy packing.
good plan. and if it becomes difficult to discuss w/ H, then you can always have him speak directly to the lawyer. in the meantime.. how's the packing? my living room is a mess! moved my couch and dining table.. but need to figure out figure out the moving of the tv. hmmmm...

have you tried counselling? or is that a no go w/ H?
hi, yep, that what she is there for. Packing is horrible, My whole house looks like a bomb went off! As for moving tv, so many wires. He absolutely will not go to counseling. This whole thing is over for him and me. Makes db'ing hard. Especially when contact is so minimal. Just doing a day at a time and hope for the best.
I hope this money business doesn't turn him nasty. He sounded not to happy today. Plus he can get pretty dug in and stubborn.
Just had a thought before I head off to bed "this is where you find yourself" Can be taken two ways, you know. It is wht it is and it is an opportunity. How profound of me at this hour!
i actually went to bed early last night! well.. about midnight. today i moved my tv.. wiring and all. operation tv.. successful! slider things.. good purchase!

i know you're busy packing and all.. what else are you doing for you? are you seeing an IC? i know in your original post you mentioned some issues w/in the marriage.. your self esteem.. not feeling loved from a young age.. just wondering if there's anything different that you're doing..

really hope you're having a good day. it's gray over here. haven't left the house! kind of nice actually.. lots to clean!
Good job on moving tv! I can't really afford a counselor right now. I looked into it and found out grad students at WWU will give for free. Will start after the move and things get settled. Thanks for asking. Weather is terrible here, rain, rain, rain. I might drive to Blaine and get some take out chinese. They have the best hot & sour soup. Probably last time I get it for awhile. When is Retro and where is it? Also you never told me what your job is, thought I heard something about scrubs. hope you have a good day too.
that's so funny! i know you've asked numerous times what i do and i keep thinking i've answered it until the next time you ask.. lol. i am an RN. hence the scrubs.

now that you've mentioned hot & sour soup.. i want some! i'm sure you'll find good soup in bellingham too. plus it will be nice to have more things to do? keep you busy i hope.

the counselling is a nice way to talk all about yourself w/out worrying that you're completely dominating the conversation. i found it to be tremendously helpful because i would figure out things as i said them as well.

retro is in 2 weeks. somewhere in langley i think. details to follow.

what can you do for yourself tonight? i think for me.. i may take a nice warm bath.. bubbles and all. deserve it after moving that darn tv!
Well that trip was a bust. The resturant is under new mgmt and was closed! I'm sure I'll find some in B'ham. My daughter is sceduled to call tonite, so that will be nice. A bath does sound good. That's great you are an RN, it explains alot about the person you are! What's your custody arrangement? Do you have kids today?
i have kids this weekend. was supposed to be H's weekend but his good friend is leaving in a week or so and they are having the big farewell party. otherwise.. he has them every second weekend.

i never got that bath but did have a nice hot shower! also enjoying the new location of the tv. and everything is working! i'm going to order these tag things my gf saw in a martha stewart magazine that should help me organize the wiring. wish i could send you a pic! it's a disaster!

when do you move?
Probably in 2-3 weeks. I hate packing. Brings up so many memories. But I got a lot accomplished today. Started on the kitchen, the worst. You should see my house! Boxes everywhere! I think I will get upto hundreds. I've almost finished the whole upstairs. The worst is the kitchen. Eveything needs to be wrapped. But I'm taking the good stuff, if you know what i mean. So proud of you with wiring. I'm insisting h. be at move, b/c there is wireless computer, cable, dvr, dvd, etc. Can't deal, plus don't want to be alone with a bunch of mover guys. he's agreed to be there and help.

He's having his back surgery on April 5th. Doc said 6 weeks recup. He does'nt even want me to be with him in Seattle for this. I offerred a couple of times. I think he thinks, well mind reading, that it would lead me on, and it would be too much of a bonding sit. Whatever, right now I'm sure he is po'd at me for standing up to p. settlement and making things difficult for him.

I had a good talking to from my d. bf father, a self described cynic, to look out for myself in this money settlement. I've been way to agreeable, this is trouble to me in my db. But I have too look out for myself. I may never know if my dbing will work in future, but need to take care of myself. Not getting any younger! Today was hard. I've been reading others threads, morning sadness gets me every day, plus the stupid dreams, still together, working stuff out. It's amazing, I had dreams over the last year he was leaving me. Wow, I wish I had listened to them. So I just need to go on day to day. I'm just afraid that after all is done, I'm in new place, no matter what I do to fix me, that he will never see. We don't have kid, so really no need to see each other. That he will just be done and gone. But I need to make a life for myself no matter what. Sorry for the long post. But that's where I'm at. It's hard, but compared to when bomb dropped, it's not as horrible.

I really hope the best for you and thank you for checking in.
I just spent 3 hours on the social security website. Spouses benefits in a divorce and how much you lose if you start at 62 vs. 66. I think I get it now, hope I can get H. to get it also. I feel like I'm becoming a cpa with all this research on retirement computations and s. security benefits. Wish me well!
Just got a confirmation email from my cpa, it looks like i'm the right, which will cost him thousands. Sent the info to h. by email. Haven't heard back. Sure he's waiting to talk to his L. Anxiety producing to say the least.

Still packing away. Went through a box and so many pictures and memories of when we were happy. How can this be happening?
((((( ))))) the memories are hard. i think in time.. you're H will have to face the memories too. it's so easy at this time for them to put them on the back shelf. but they won't stay there forever.

take your time to ensure you take care of yourself! you have been very smart about everything from the beginning. i really admire your strength! amazing how much we find within ourselves during these trying times.

i'm off to work again tonight. the sunshine was nice but.. i was sleeping! lol. 2 more nights.. i can't remember if i answered your question about retrouvaille. it's the weekend of the 13th. nervous!
I agree he will have to face memories. And also moving back into this house with it being empty. Trying to take care of myself, I have not been hungry since bomb. I've lost 20 pounds, which I needed and pretty much have to force myself to eat.

I don't know where this strength is coming from. I guess just taking it day by day.

I understand your nervousness. Prepare for it to be intense. That's what I'm trying to do right now with all the financial disagreeing. I just know it's going to come done to lawyers, maybe even court. I just have to try to be prepared!
my daughter-in-law told me tonight she wanted to lose five pounds before a cruise we're going on. i told her, "file for divorce!" cry
I laughed out loud when I read that! I'm going to read your thread. My H. is 63. What happened to our golden years? Tarnished I guess. Thanks for the laugh.
anytime! i'm sure we all can use the laughs! it makes for creases to slow down the tears!
Oooops! Got your ages mixed up. Just read your thread. I find it difficult on this board to respond here or over on yours. You have been thru a lot. My h. and I are both on 2nd m. we both have two kids, but it has never been a problem. They are all grown now. My. H. was a good stepdad for many years. Plus kids' dad was always in picture. Your h. seems to be all over the place. I'm too new at this to give advice, but their are great people here. Hang in!
ahhh.. the LBS diet. a couple of months ago i was hanging out with a couple of gfs. one of them said she was envious of my weight loss. i said.. well.. all you need to do is have your H leave and your life fall apart and the pounds will really start coming off! my other gf said.. "i'd rather be fat". it was really funny!
I just replied on your thread! I've seen many people here on the LBS diet. I just need to start exercising. The new place I'm moving to seems to be a good place to do walks.
Well, hes's not agreeing to anything my cpa advised me was fair. So I guess it's onto the lawyers.
better to let the lawyers speak for you know. i read on purg's thread today where it's better to let the WAS associate negative talks w/ the lawyer and associate positive interactions w/ you. when i read it.. i immediately thought of you. sunny now!
I agree, I just drafted a whole email to my lawyer and am not going to do anything till I hear from her. It was nice to see the sun today. I will go read Purg's. Just want this settled, didn't pack a thing today!
Really feeling the need to compartmentalize right now. I need to not let this latest turn give me too much anxiety. That's what my lawyer is for. He informed me if we get into legal battle, I would have to pay for her myself. Originally, he offered to pay for her to look over my settlement. Well she didn't takes credit cards (our joint) and I paid her the first time. Have not been reimbursed. On top of all this he is going in for back surgery on Thursday. Didn't want me there. So the need to compartmentalize. My h. is a genious at it.
25, if you are out there, I see you responded to a quote on hpoing and praying about d'bing during property settlement and lawyers. I read it but didn't realize you were working off my quote. Glad I found it today. Good advice about the fear. Must have been where I got the compartmentalize. Thank you.
Ok, I'm going to fess up. I have a guilty pleasure - I sometimes need to watch mindless tv - Real Houswives of OC. A couple of them are going thru d. Tamra signed her d. papers tonite, and she had been married a long time. She wanted d., took 2 years to do and got really upset at signing. She felt like she was writing off 14 years. There were good times.

This makes me want to prepare for that in a couple of weeks, if we can settle. It will be final. How do I db with that. The only hope I have is that somehow in our future, if this doesn't get totally ugly, we can remain friends and see each other periodically, so he can see my changes. I don't know. I I really don't have much hope for r. I think that I will just have to get on to my own good life, which I will try hard to create. Is this dropping the rope? Who knows. The fact that this is all happening in a timeframe of 3 months, it is overwhelming. I feel like I can't spell anymore! Please overlook. Washington state should adjust the 90 days, really!

Just journalling here.
Hopeless,

I think I'm in a similar sitch, my H hasn't even been moved out for 2 months and he is pushing hard for us to go to mediation so we can get on with our lives. UGH!! We were seeing a MC in January, now we're seeing attorneys! WTH?!! Luckily, Maryland has a 1 year waiting period, so I'm not sure why H thinks he can rush this through. I guess it's possible that there's someone feeding him info and pressuring him to get this over with. (Not sure if there's an OW or not, but I have heard rumors.) I'd just like the ability to get caught up as I feel completely unprepared for what's going on, plus being a single parent to 3 kids is not a piece of cake. Wishing my H would return and this alien would go back from where he came!

Washington only has a 90 waiting period - that's NUTS!!

As for advice, as I'm new I am sure someone will be on here to impart some wonderful words of wisdom. But for now, I guess you're stuck with me! Know that today is just one day and you just have to get through today. Don't borrow problems from tomorrow. And as my wise aunt keeps telling me, just remember to Breathe!

Good luck and I hope your day gets better!
Well, spent the afternnon at the eye doctor. That stuff is expensive. Got home to an email from current lawyer. Because she is a collaborative l. she can't me. Gave I referral, see him tommorrow.

H. goes in for back surgery tommorrow. Had to ask him divorce $ questions in preparing for l. tommorrow. It was pleasant. He let me know he listed his mother to make decisions if anything goes wrong. Ouch!
Sometimes lately this wave just washes over me, like I CAN'T do this. I mean all of it. The lawyers, the moving, the sadness, I'm just feeling really weary. I hope it stops when things get settled. I can usually make the feeling go away for awhile by focusing on a task. Had to get all my papers ready for meeting new lawyer tommorrow, Hope it goes well.
Well I postponed l. till tommorrow. I haven't done one productive thing to day. Realized I wanted to be available for phone call him. He came through it just fine. I just feel so sad, I should be there with him at hospital. So tommorrow, back to it. Going to continue to goof off tonite. Watch Gray's Anatomy!
HIW... i still get those waves of sadness.. but they don't completely consume me like they use to.. and the recovery is quicker...

if you want to goof off tonight.. i'm all for it!! there was a night where i needed that. planned it all out.. kids were at my mom's.. didn't plan to go home until after H had left.. didn't tell anyone i was calling in sick to work.. but i ended up getting caught! lol. H fell asleep and hadn't left by the time i got back and he ended up being late for work. sometimes even the best plans have their little blips.

maybe nice bubbly bath after grey's? sit by the window and read until the sun sets?? wonder if i could pull off half an hour of uninterrupted reading?? hmmmm.. nope! D is jumping up and down on the couch and is sure to follow me if i try to escape. lol.

((((( )))))
Barely, it was more tha just sadness. The energy drain, the mental drain. Plus if I get some answers tommorrow from lawyer, either it will settle it or just start a huge war. I just want to be fair. So hoping for the best. I am envious of your kids, hard to be alone so much. Did talk briefly with d. tonite. Maybe s. will have time to call. Have fun with monkeys!
hopeless.. frown i so know that energy and emotional drain.. sometimes when i'm driving i start to feel myself getting teary.. but it is easier for me these days to stop that thought process and focus on something else.

i actually think the move to bellingham will be good for you. i imagine there's more of a chance to have meetup groups there.. shopping.. walks.. maybe we can meet up for coffee sometime?

i'm ok today. things could be better.. but i'm ok. just like you will be. always thinking of you...
How would we contact each other with no pm'ing?
Hi hopeless time to change that screen name, don't you think? Give us five things that you like about yourself:
1
2
3
4
5

You are stronger than u think k.
How would I go about that?

1. Perservering

2. Smart, except for math

3. Devoted mom

4. Caring

5. A good person
Full moon tonite, it is beautiful. But?
It sounds to me like you may need to get out and make some plans for yourself.

I know when I'm feeling particularly weepy when H is here visiting, I run over to a neighbor's and make her tell me funny stories. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes we just chat about everything and nothing at all.

Is there somewhere you can escape to tomorrow after your meeting?

On a really bad day, one of my friends gave me 5 minutes notice and picked me up. I went and got a makeover at the makeup counter, and had a nice lunch. Didn't talk about sitch, except when I wanted.

Is there anyone you could do that with tomorrow?

(Sorry if I'm all over the place, getting late here and I must be getting sleepy.)
My plan after l. is to go get more stupid boxes and go grocery shopping. I don't really have any friends up here since we moved. Plus since I haven't packed anything in the last 3 days and knowing I need to move around the 15th I must do it. It will make me feel better. My gal goal after move, and I know it will take some time is to make some friends. I'm not crying, just tired os this. It's like calling up all your strength every day and today I just had enough. Knowing h. is in a hospital tonite and me not being with him, so sad for me.
I've been thinking about you today and hoping that things went better than you expected.

And I hope when you went out grocery shopping that you picked up some yummy ice cream to indulge in tonight!

Sending you loads of HUGS!!!
Well, we will see. My lawyer came up with a figure that he thinks is fair. He's tlling my h. l. I don't even want to talk to h. I'm sure this will p*** him off. Actually have some ice cream in freezer. Thanks for your good thoughts.
I probably should have warned you that me and the kids gave up ice cream for Lent this year and I am a bit obsessed with it at this point! (Two more days - Woo Hoo!!!)
Originally Posted By: finding nemo
... me and the kids gave up ice cream for Lent this year ...


I gave up lent for Lent this year... grin

oh wait... I think I gave up my WAS for Lent, this year too... smirk
lol - I like it!! laugh
Well totally dreading tommorrow, My lawyer has or is talking to his. I had email contact with h. over the weekend, he sounded ok, which means to me he hasn't been contacted with new offer. H. had back surgery Thursday. He is on vicadin and sleeping alot. So we will see what tommorrow brings. My lawyer took a look at all our finances and came up with an amount that was fair in his mind. So my h. has said he trusts advice from his lawyer, so why can't I trust mine. Uggg
Feeling down today. Weekends seem to be harder. Probably becasue that was when we had our fun. Did get a call from s.27. He went thru a painful breakup last year with his gf of 5 years. So he really gets it. Such a good son.
how you holding up otherwise? do anything for yourself today? it was beautiful for the most part. did you say you saw my pic on the alt at one point? if you did.. you know where to find me.

thought of you yesterday. i went to bellingham to go shopping w/ my mom. saw the sign for birch bay. wondered where in bellingham you would be. it's so busy there! will be nice for you. i think you will enjoy it.

hang in there. ((( )))
Weekends were always the worst for me, so I made sure to plan things to do. I found I love going to the movies by myself and I have a job that I can schedule myself to work weekends.

I also love the thrift stores so sometimes make those rounds on the weekends.
Thanks barely and labug. I pretty much goofed off today. The weather was great. Did some laundry and only packed one box. I will be a little north of Bellis Fair Mall. By Whatcom CC. Good oppty. in future for galing. Trying not to think about h. response to lawyer. Just want it settled and to get on with it.
Barely, I have to figure out this facebook stuff. I don't even think I have a page??
Well h. called today. I thought it was because he had talked to his l. after hearing from mine with a proposal. H. was calling about getting someone to mow the lawn. I can't ever get mower started! Also he is looking into movers for me. Then he asked if I had figured out what I'm doing about lawyer. He didn't know I had seen one on Friday. So I told him what I did and so he was going to call his lawyer to find out where we are.

I hate this stuff. I didn't want to get into the money amount, so maybe tommorrow his l. can talk some sense into him and he will agree.

Still packing. Feel close to getting there. H. is in terrible pain after surgery. Taking a lot of pain meds, but he almost sounded cheerful. His mom has been taking care of him. Wish it was me. Oh well.
Hi HIW!

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and hoping for the best.

I have to tell you that yesterday, as I was leaving my subdivision, I thought about how I really don't want to live in this house anymore (w/o my H). However, I would (will) probably feel the opposite when I am forced to move because of this sitch.

So glad that your son called and was able to make you feel better. Our children are our greatest gift, aren't they?

{{{Hugs}}}
Nemo, it is hard to be here without my h. I wonder after I move, and he moves back in here, will it be hard for him??

Got to talk to my daughter today, they are so supportive! Love them!
HIW, I would totally think that it would be hard for him. But, who knows when that day will come. My personal feeling is that these WAS's don't really know what they're doing and one day they wake up to see what a mess they made. That's the thought I try to carry with me when dealing with my H, it almost makes me feel bad for him (but not in the last couple of days).

Glad you talked to your daughter today and that your kids are checking in on you. Definitely happy that they're showing you how much they love and support you (as all good adult children should)!! xoxo
Quote:
H. is in terrible pain after surgery. Taking a lot of pain meds, but he almost sounded cheerful. His mom has been taking care of him. Wish it was me. Oh well.


My H broke his wrist at work and had to have surgery about 4 weeks ago. He stayed with his 85yr old mother for a while after. Repeat after me: These are his choices, these are his choices, these are his choices...
Labug, my h. mom is 85 too! Yep, his choices. Just talked with my son. He told me he got a 4.0 this last quarter!! I see you have 2 in college. My son, when little wouldn't even read chapter books. I was thrilled!
started new thread - moving out but still have hope for future
Congrats on the 4.0! Gives me hope for my S14!!
New thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2236728#Post2236728
© DivorceBusting.com