Guess I'm supposed to start a new thread now, so here's the link to my old one.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...613#Post2223613So, H came over again today. Started in with D stuff right away. I discussed alot of stuff with him then he took the kids to a movie. As soon as he got back, we were discussing again. So, now, tonight I am scared. Not sure what my rights are because I haven't consulted a lawyer yet. Not even sure where to begin, since I live in NC and he is filing in FL. This isn't even a typical FL D because he is military. UGH!!!
Today, I feel like he is completely done and this D can't be stopped, but gotta remember May is still a few months away and even if D happens, it's not over until I say it is!!
Why does it have to be this way?
Anyway, H is about to get super p*&^%d cause I am gonna text him tomorrow and say don't even bother coming over because I am still very uncomfortable putting anything on paper yet. He said he wouldn't file until April, so he shouldn't, realistically, have a problem, but I know he will. He should be able to come back from his school on weekends and we can discuss some stuff then. I just gotta get some legal advice first!!
On a DB note, not sure if his actions today were sparked by DB or not. Periodically I would feel the tears welling up and walk away or turn my back to compose myself, of course, he would follow me and say "what are you doing?", "whats wrong?" When I would say nothing he would get this angry look on his face and walk away. Finally, I said why are you mad and he says cause you just keep walking away. I said, would you rather see me cry, he said no, so I said ok then. He would just watch me though, when I would be fighting it back. Like he was waiting on me to flip out on him or something. I guess he was looking for that confirmation of his actions.
I am usually very emotional and cry very easily, but I think I have done great, so far. Guess that could be considered a 180.
The rest of the day was ok. I was calm and never got angry about anything. H definately doesn't seem like himself. Cold, quick to get angry, fairly flat affect, I tried to stay lighthearted and joke occasionally. He did stay for dinner, after some prodding (sry probably pursuing), but S10 wanted to make tacos for him. They stayed here while D4 and I went to the Y. They cooked together and I stayed in the kitchen while the three of them ate in the living room, hoping it would make him feel less awkward and not like I was expecting a sit down family dinner. I thanked him for staying and doing that with S10 and that I was sure that S10 enjoyed it. He said S10 did and he even showed him a new way to make them. I'm sure that interaction made S10's day!!
Fortunately, my spiritual advisor friend was at the Y tonight, so I was able to talk about some of todays stuff. She told me to continue praying and told me not to give in. Made me feel better!
Interested to see how H will react to me telling him not to even come over tomorrow. Don't think he'll be expecting that at all.
Well, just as I had expected. He got angry. Said he would just file and I would get served. I said I would talk about the parenting plan, child support, visitation, etc. So, he ended up coming over to get the papers.
He came over, came in, grabbed the papers, said he had a book for S10 and he would give it to me later. Then he said I'll file and you'll get served.
So, I said I thought we were gonna do the child stuff and he said no, don't worry about it so, I said ok and closed the door. About 3 min later he knocked on the door and gave me the book, acted like he was gonna walk away and said he was filing and then asked me why I didn't want to put financial, debts, etc in writing yet.
I just said I was scared and wasn't 100% comfortable with putting the stuff down. Finally, after some anger and irrition on his part he just gave in and did kid stuff.
His mood mellowed out a bit and he relaxed. Asking me for things and thanking me when I would look for them.
Today, I still feel like he's totally done with this M, but he has only seen us for 3 days now. Hopefully, he won't come over for a day or two, give him time to think about us and maybe miss us a little.
Just keep reassuring myself not to give up hope and that he hasn't even gone to the school, so reality hasn't quite started to kick in yet.
OMG, I can tell that I am so very detached though. I look at him and know I love him and know I want him back, but when he walks out of the house without saying goodbye or acknowledging me then drives away, it bothers me slightly, but not enough to interfere with me at all!!
Forgot to mention the random text last night after he left, maybe his goodbye without saying it, he said "just saw a coyote, better watch out for the cats". Normally he acts like he hates the cats. Haven't even seen him pet them when he's been here. Anyway I would think he would just see said coyote and say to himself oh, theres a coyote and go on his merry way.
Unfortunately, it feels like D is probably imminent for me. H wants to file at the beginning of April. I am trying to stall as long as I can and will continue with that process.
Maybe something will change by the 11th hour!! If not, I know I will be ok!
I know I love him and want him back and I still miss him, but when he was here today, I didn't have that urge to reach out and touch him anymore! I am truly amazed at how detached I have become and I truly realize that it is letting me let go. I know in my heart, if he said to me lets work on things, I would jump at the chance to reconcile, but my feelings for him no longer control me like they used to.
I think I will write a letter, like some of you have, and I will leave it somewhere that H would see it next time he's here. Then if he reads it at least I will have been able to get some things off of my chest without actually pursuing him. If he doesn't read it, no harm done!!
IMHO I wouldn't write the letter. You've already told him everything that you would write in it.
I would suggest instead to take a harder line with him in terms of telling him not to "threaten" you. Right now you've allowed him to talk to you and treat you how he wishes and nothing's changed. So you put your foot down and tell him that you don't deserve to be treated or talked down to like that ever.
He has to earn your respect. Not the other way around.
Great point! I never thought of it that way!
I guess I have always been eager to please and prefer to avoid confrontation. I should start to stick up for myself when it comes to him. I have been walking on eggshells since the bomb trying not to ruffle his feathers while letting him trample all over me!
Next time he threatens me with L or going ahead and filing for D, I will tell him to do what he needs to do because I am not gonna tolerate being threatened or disrespected anymore. Especially when I have given him no reason whatsoever to treat me this way.
Thanks MrB!!
Well folks, my fight is over. H left his FB open and all the incriminating evidence was there. He is convinced OW is the love of his life and I am sure he wants D over asap so they can get married or move in together. So, I am officially over it. I have absolutely completely detached myself and I no longer have a desire to fight for him or our M.
So sorry but it explains a lot. Keep coming here as you have just begun finding your real self and you will have to have a co-parenting relationship with this man so might as well try to make it a workable relationship.
Great point! I never thought of it that way!
I guess I have always been eager to please and prefer to avoid confrontation. I should start to stick up for myself when it comes to him. I have been walking on eggshells since the bomb trying not to ruffle his feathers while letting him trample all over me!
wait a minute.... DBing the way you are is not a 180? Then yes def stick up for yourself. Don't be rude but be sterner. I'm so sorry 
You sound amazingly strong Next time he threatens me with L or going ahead and filing for D, I will tell him to do what he needs to do because I am not gonna tolerate being threatened or disrespected anymore. Especially when I have given him no reason whatsoever to treat me this way.
Thanks MrB!!
Well folks, my fight is over. H left his FB open and all the incriminating evidence was there. He is convinced OW is the love of his life and I am sure he wants D over asap so they can get married or move in together. So, I am officially over it. I have absolutely completely detached myself and I no longer have a desire to fight for him or our M.
If your sure this is your breaking point, so be it, but please don't let him bully you (because that is what he is being) Please get some legal advice. I am not sure if the US army is the same as the Can army, but if you can't afford a lawyer on your own, right now they should be responsible to provide you with help as you are still a spouse of an active duty member.
((()))) x 1 million
Thanks! It does explain everything!!
I know he's not himself and he has completely skewed our relationship in his mind. Claiming we hadn't been getting along for a long time. Just trying to rationalize his actions!
Right now I am angry enough that I feel like I hate him. I know that in time that will pass and I will at least feel indifference, so we can co-parent.
Sorry about the recent news. IMHO you can still save your M if you want to. My W was in an A with her boss and it took me awhile to get over that. It's a hard ship to steer, but you can do it.
If you decide to let it go, then you are still the stronger woman because you decided to fight for what's right. It's always easier to tear things down than build things up and your H took the coward's way.
111:
They both appear to be very "in love" with each other. More like lust in my opinion. Making plans for a future, living together, etc.
Oh, don't forget how sh!$$y it gets considering the fact that she is in the Navy (not sure if she is reserve or something) and he is Officer, they worked together on deployment and started the relationship over there (can anybody say, "big pile of trouble for H if it gets out").
Definately getting a lawyer and filling him in on the sitch to see what he recommends I do.
Well, hoping no more, and proceeding with what needs to be done!
Once I was forced to face the truth about OW I was done. Done with the R and want out.
Did some calling around today and found out he can't file in FL cause they don't have jurisdiction. So, NC it is and that leaves the 1yr sep. So, maybe it's a blessing. It can't be rushed and no matter how bad he wants it we absolutely will not be D by May. Soonest it can happen Will be beginning of Jan 2013. So, I guess whether I want it to be over or not, it's not over! Not completely anyway!
He can still see her, but he won't be marrying her anytime soon anyway (if that's what he's after).
You guys would all be very proud of me though. DBing, standing up for myself, forcing him to call instead of text
.
1. He threatened, again, to just file and let the courts decide and that I probably wouldn't get alimony anyway. I said ok, fine, do what you need to do. I said I told you I wasn't ready to put it on paper yet, but if he needed to file go ahead. Of course, he backed off.
2. He doesn't know he can't file in NC, so earlier he says we can file in NC, but you won't get as much money and they can't divide my retirement. He said he was trying to be nice by filing in FL to give me more. I said you don't have to do me any favors. He said well I didn't want to leave you and the kids high and dry. I said we won't be because I'll be taking care of us. He didn't say anything else.
3. I have still been mostly dark, but a little grey. He texted me Wed, Thu, and today (about tax info we are waiting on and of course asked other info too). I didn't reply on Wed, replied to 1 out of 5 texts on Thu, and 4 out of 9 today. He did finally call first earlier today. Then he texted and finally asked if he could call again.
He continued to try to get me to get a roommate, tell me how to get a job, badger me about trying to stay here in our house, things he's giving me, etc. (I admit I was taken in on this because I argued back instead of just saying to call me back when he could stop trying to force me to do things because it's not gonna work. NEXT TIME!!
)
He is trying to get out of giving me any money other than the child support.
I'm feeling really good today!! Yay me!! Big, big, big giant steps!! I have truly let go!
I'm prob going to catch flack for this but I find it so disgusting what your h is doing. And he hasn't been much of a parent for a long time either.
I hear endless stories of deployed soldiers cheating. People say it's exagerated but I'm begining to doubt that it is.
With the huge increase of women serving and longer tours, it makes sense.
Im so sorry your h is letting you down like this. And letting your children down
Wow!! Impressive!!
As long as you are comfortable with the ways things are going- than I'm happy for you!
I would take it as a blessing disguise that you have to do the 1yr separation.... It will give time for the 'newness' to wear off and H and OW can see what real life is like. Deployment is like being in a bubble- the realities of daily schedules, separate job commitments, his child responsibilities and not to mention it will be more of a challenge to hide their fratnerzation in a populated military towns are a going to be felt with and they may discover it's not all sunshine and roses stateside. She's been used to having his undivided attention... Now he has his job to do and he will have to have time with the kids... Wonder how she's goin to handle 'sharing' him?
I know you say it's over- and I'm in awe of how you're handeling it! But, there may be a chance down the road that he will ask to come back (when OW reveals herself) what will you say? FWIW, I might have already gone to his command with the proof of his fraternization (as long as I had made plans for myself and the kids b/c there will most likely be financial repercussions).... but it's something to keep in your back pocket of he continues to bully or hardass you
111:
Yes he is way out in left field somewhere. TOTAL MLC!!!! Sooooo far from himself right now!! He and I used to always talk about how lucky we were to have each other and that we could trust that neither of us would do something like that. He used to tell me about all of the "dear john" stories and guys coming home from deployment to another man in their house. Used to tell me about the dirtbags that were out with hookers on deployments too! It's definately disgusting. He knows better and I thought he'd be the last person to do something like this. Guess MLC truly makes you the opposite.
Caring, loving, level headed, respectable, makes good choices to angry, hateful, manipulative, lying, irresponsible, makes very very bad choices!!
Purg:
I would've much rather had things go differently, but they haven't and I have no idea how long this "thing" has been going on. Obviously there was some overlap with their R and his sentinments to me about loving me, missing me, and so ready to be home! So, it will be a very, very, very long time before I can ever trust him again! It's gonna take me a really long time to trust any man!
I am happy about the 1year sep because it won't be done in May when he was so adamant about! Too bad so sad! It will also put extra pressure on any kind of false R they have right now! (I would love to see it crash and burn)
I totally agree with you about the reality of "life" setting in for both of them. It takes special people to be able to deal with the demands of the Navy and the strain it puts on good relationships, much less one that was built on lies and deception.
He will never want to take her to meet the family or any of his previous friends. They will never ever ever want to tell anyone how they met because it would raise much criticism and they, especially he, will feel very ashamed, eventually! I'm sure he already does to some extent.
Right now, if he comes back, I would want no part of it. It will take a very, very long time to build trust and see him as someone I would want to be back with.
The night I found out I was soooo ready to take it to his command, but cooler heads prevailed. I do want him to know I know and I want him to be punished in some way, but I don't want the kids and I to suffer financially. I do however have their sitch in my back pocket, for a rainy day!! Oh, I also have something in my other pocket too..............In NC, you can sue the third party and maybe even have their name published, a little humiliation!! Just in case I need it!!
I am sure though, when he finds out that I know and that I know it is fraternization, he is gonna flip out and probably be extremely embarassed and ashamed!! I think he will back off from her a bit because once he realizes "the important people" could potentially find out, it's gonna scare the s&!t out of him! He thinks he's free and clear and now that they are back in the US no one will find out! How wrong were they!!
He said he was trying to be nice by filing in FL to give me more. I said you don't have to do me any favors. He said well I didn't want to leave you and the kids high and dry. I said we won't be because I'll be taking care of us. He didn't say anything else.
When he starts talking this way it might be better to walk away. Don't say anything you might regret.
I'm soooooo sorry! I just re-read my post and "hardass" was supposed to be "harass"... I hope you figured it out. And if not, than I hope you got a giggle out of it like I did!
This is gonna be a really really long one!! Sorry, got some venting and thoughts!!
Ok, so he was over yesterday. Gathered some things, printed some papers for his school (needed my help), filled out some papers, argued with me (sorry I bought in but kept my cool for the most part, tried not to raise my voice) about my job sitch, told me AGAIN what he was offering for the D (I just said "I hear you", but didn't acknowledge D talk), was mad cause I said I wanted the car back and the truck wasn't as pristine as the car (first time, when he took off to FL, I had the car tank full, oil changed, and detailed. NOT THE TRUCK NOT THIS TIME, I OWE HIM NOTHING!!!).
He also complained about money. He recently told me to get a bank acct so he could transfer money, we have no agreement yet so no money transfer is gonna happen. Anyway, I got a bank acct on my own and have been putting little bits of money in. Made a cake for someone yesterday and got a $40 check, so I deposited in my acct. The following discussion concerning the money shows me I am in a no win sitch with him right now.
H: how much did you get
M: 40
H: what are you gonna do with it
M: i don't know, why
H: no reason
he goes out to do something and comes back in
H: cause i need gas
M: i said it was a check so i dep into my acct, but can get it if you need it
H: (very, pi$$y) no, that's fine, it's your money, i'll just figure something out
M: i said its not MY money
H: yes it is YOU earned it (still mad)
M: i said it's not MINE because we are still living out of one acct
H: i'll just figure something out
M: if you need it i can go get it
H: no
M: how much is in your acct
H: couple hundred
M: then you should have enough to get you through the next couple of days, nothing else should come out
H: if you don't go spend anymore
M: i don't need anymore til you get paid again
makes me so mad cause he is hassling me about money when he blew who knows how much on OW in FL. Almost 1100 taken in cash, randomly, throughout the month he was there!! Not to mention all the other food and whatnot!! UGH!!! And he had the audacity to threaten me, on the phone at least, on Fri telling me he was gonna take my name off the acct and transfer money to me. I said no, we don't have an agreement and if you do that I will get a lawyer. He said well you can't keep waisting money, I said on what, he says I don't know...walmart $30 here $30 there, I said are you serious..... it was for ranch and different stuff for your kids!! He hushed!!
He asked for his bills, why I don't know, I still pay them right now. I got quiet and thought, then said Kays (he spent almost $900 on that card in FL) and a few others, so I went and got them. Handed them to him (i have never asked about the kays) he was walking around doing some stuff and felt the need to say "if your wondering what that charge is...." I cut in and said what charge, he said "the kays it was a necklace for my mom" (i thought to myself are you kidding me 900 for your mom, he never gets anything that expensive for his mom EVER!!), I said, "oh, i don't give a crap, it's your card" (now i know that i should have said something different, but i was irritated cause he was flat out lying). He didn't know what to say when I said that and looked at me funny!
**Should I have said something like "oh, ok. Well, thank you for letting me know"
I have been very grey with him for about a month. He is the only one who initiates communication right now. He has finally started calling me and not just texting.
**Do I try to initiate any kind of communication or do I just continue to leave it where it is. (It's getting the effect I wanted so, I guess that means "if is working keep doing it?")
As the days have passed since I got 100% confirmation on OW and the overlap of the R's, I have been through a stream of emotions: EXTREMELY angry, mildly angry and disgusted, VERY betrayed and a little less angry, feel like i hate him, slightly hate him slightly angry, to now... pretty much indifferent. I mean I totally suspected it to begin with, so the only thing left was to find out it was going on longer than I thought and that he TOTALLY betrayed me. I don't think that there is anything any worse that I could find out at this point. Unless he's been doing this stuff to me all along!!!
So, now, I know I have said I am completely done, but I think I need to reevaluate my meaning of done.
I was give an extension on the D itself by learning he has to file in NC and I am pretty sure given the circumstance of H and OW R, he will cut it off or back off when he knows I know. He is gonna be scared to death that he will get turned in to the Navy. Again, this is good because I have so much proof that I could realistically turn him in. So, he backs off from her, grieves that loss, then has a few months to come visit the kids and see me without the interference of this OW. Maybe, his feelings for me start to show back up??
I would not jump for joy if they did and, right now at least, I don't think I would be interested (I still feel in my heart that it is meant to be someday). Maybe this is the way it is supposed to be. If his feelings for me did start to show back up and I was genuinely disinterested, maybe he would try harder and be willing to do all of the things neccesary to build a NEW relationship with me. (lots of time, friendly family time, dating, still living apart, counseling, etc.)
So, my reevaluation of my words DONE: this means I have COMPLETELY let go, COMPLETELY given it to god, and COMPLETELY given up the hoping. I have FINALLY realized that it will be what it will be and I will no longer do things for myself and the kids with the slight expectation that he will notice. H will no longer be in my thoughts when it concerns things the kids and I do!! He will, however, always be in my thoughts and I still realize 15 years is a lot of history!
So, now I just go to a lawyer next week and see what I need to do to get a separation agreement prepared, H still thinks he's gonna file in FL and has given me until the second week in March to put things on paper, LOL!!! Won't he be shocked when he sees we're doing it in NC. He thinks NC doen't have jurisdiction over his retirement beacause he thiks he's a FL resident. Hahaha, FL says no he's not and NC says he's a resident there so, guess what........... they do have jurisdiction over his retirement!!! He'll be very surprised. Plus at the point we sit done to prepare the sep agreement the sh1t will hit the fan when OW is exposed (I'm just gonna look at him and smile). He is gonna be white as a sheet!!!! I can't wait to see the look on his face. It will completely gratify the rollercoaster of emotions. Oh, I also can't wait til he finds out I have three years to sue her if I want!!! I'll be flexting my strong girl muscles thinking, uh huh, you thought you put one over on me. He should know by now, I alwys find out!!!
**Part of me wonders if his subconscious made him leave the FB logged in. Like he needs to be found out in order to face the reality of the sitch and be forced to stop!! (it was thrown in my face, I didn't snoop and haven't in a long time. I had absolutely no choice in this one!)
Well, you handled some things great and other stuff not so great- but you already reflected on those, so no need for me to point them out.
I am totally on board with you about the range of emotions you've gone through, sometimes by the day and sometimes by the hour! I'm glad you're getting a L to give you advice and direct you where to go.
Question? What law says that you can sue the OW? Is that just b/c she's a subordinate? Or is a civil law? Just curious... I'm always interested in gathering info that might be helpful in the future
I agree with Purg. You recognize where you could have responded better. I don't know if I would have handled the $900 purchase even that good.
Purg - Just google wife sues mistress in NC. There have been numerous cases, including on with the singer Fantasia. I have actually been looking into this myself for a few weeks. I don't think H has even thought about this as a possibility.
So, I am totally sucked back in to wanting my M!! UGH!
Was at the neighbors most of the day and when I got home noticed H called 17 times and texted asking for me to deposit money he needed for the room at his school. So, called back and he said he was hanging out in the truck. Said I was sorry and would load the kids and head to the bank. (First time he's really needed me since the bomb and I was there, couldn't ask OW)
Called him after I deposited and told him the balance, etc. As we were getting off the phone he slipped up and said "love you". I didn't say a word. Instinct was to say it back, but I knew better. Then he said thank you and I said your welcome. Then either he hung up or we were cut off.
We were cut off on Fri and he thought I hung up, so texted him ur welcome.
Were those words completely by accident?
Or is he still struggling?
She would be sued in a civil suit for alienation of affection (by her presence, causing the spouse not to show you affection). My H does not even know this is an option for me. Won't he be surprised when he finds out!! lol!!
Guess I realized when I heard those words "love you", although they weren't meant for me, that I still very much love my H and I still want my M to work!
Still keeping my mind in the place of COMPLETELY letting go, letting god, not holding hope! I will continue on "as if" I am completely over it and ready to move on and past all of this. Time will tell whether he allows himself to see what he is walking away from before I really do move on!!
I will still talk to the legal assistant tomorrow and see what she suggests I do next, as far as letting H know that we have to file in NC.
Think he'll realize what a sh!t he's being when he knows what I know and that I still dropped everything to load the kids and run to the bank to "rescue" him? When he knows that he was here in the house and I didn't say a word, even helped him print some stuff?
Hmmmmm, just don't know about these alien WAS's!!!
There is nothing wrong with you changing your mind about your M!! In fact, it's totally understandable. You have a long history together, your lives are tangled in each other and you have children... Anyone would think that is worth trying for.
Interesting thought to stew over: a few days ago, you were convinced and resolved to give up the fight. And you said you were comfortable with that decision. Now here you are saying that you want to throw those thoughts out the window and are ready to continue the fight. (Ready for this??) I find it hard to believe that this same phenomenon doesn't happen to the WAS. If we assume that they are human (regardless of their alien actions) and that they genuinely were in love with you- then how could they not go through the see-saw of thoughts about leaving?? It would explain a lot about their inconsistent actions... I've seen it in my H a few times. I just think that we need to pay attention to what we did or said that brings them back in and keep doing more of that.
Don't be surprised if you go back and forth some more, be gentle with yourself. You'll eventually figure out what you want, but t won't happen overnight.
Thanks purg!! I needed that this morning. I needed to feel like it's still ok that I love my H and want my M, even though he's lost his way right now!! As much of a shocker these past few months have been, and as horrible as he has been about this whole situation and all the deception, I still feel like all of the time we had together, before this deployment, is worth trying to save.
I know that we will never be able to go back and I know that I want a NEW R with H, but if he ever returns to some form of his old self, he was a wonderful husband and father!! It's worth waiting for!
I think you are totally right about the see-saw effect. If we are having those thoughts and feelings, being the fairly sane ones in these sitches, then it should only be natural that our WAS have the same effect. Perhaps, for them, their feelings change so quickly or more intensely. It takes us days sometimes weeks to process and sort out our feelings then something changes or happens and we need to start all over or process new feelings. Maybe with them, because they can be angry one second and thankful the next, they feel like they love us and want to stay one minute and then the next minute they hate us and want out! If it's more rapid or more intense it's a lot harder to process what they are feeling *rationally*!
I have known all along that I wanted my M and that I loved my H, but the confirmation of OW starting a lot further back than I realized, really shook me and made me feel like I hadn't yet about my sitch. I guess maybe I needed it. I needed to have my feelings shaken in order to really, really find out that I still want my M.
I know H doesn't know I know and I think that, if is does bounce back and forth, he tells himself I'll never forgive him anyway! I am hoping when he realizes that I know and have still been here for him, it will help him to realize that I might just surprise him if he decides he wants back in.
I have to let his world be shaken then let him try to process it and see what happens next!!
Feeling a little rough today! Not sure why I let those words effect me so much, especially when I know he didn't mean them.
It just took me right back to a place of missing him and wanting him back soooooo badly!!
Now, I am totally relieved that we have 9 whole months until he can file!! I believe everyone "time is your friend"! Now I just want him to know that I know about OW, so, hopefully he will cut it off cold turkey or start to gravitate away from her! I think it would die off eventually, but I am afraid it won't die off fast enough!
Left a message with paralegal, but haven't heard back. I will try her again tomorrow. Just a few questions for her regarding sep details.
Continuing to GAL! Searching for a job, check into hospital about volunteering tomorrow, etc, etc.
H sent me a few texts yesterday regarding the deposit. Was concerned that the total amount wasn't posted and told me I could have the money back when he gets paid (was planning to ask but was surprised that he offered on his own), so I told him if it didn't all show up by this morning I would go to the bank. Of course, when I checked this morning it was all there. I sent him a text saying "money's there. have a good day" (been a long time since i told him to have a good day and he used to tell me all the time). I totally built myself up for him not to respond at all, but he did text back saying "i saw thank you". I was happy that he responded and happy that he said thank you to the "good day". Back to no initiating contact from me, don't want to push it!
Never heard from paralegal yesterday, so trying again today.
Applied for another job yesterday!
Also, checking into volunteering at the hospital today.
Thinking about planning another day trip, not overnight this time, to our (me and kids) favorite new place. Let the kids play in the sand, go to dinner at seafood, at let the oldest sing karaoke.
We are still living out of a joint bank acct, should I ask if it's ok to take the kids to dinner this weekend (since he's been a little more communicative about money here lately) or just do it???
I would say something like "I was thinking about taking the kids to dinner on sat night, would that be ok?"
Hoping today will be better than yesterday, emotion wise! I'm sure it will cause this is day 2 post being "sucked back in"/still realizing I love my H more than ever!!
Oh, I will only ask about the dinner when he CALLS me about something! Not gonna pursue!!
Think I'm gonna continue avoiding texts as much as possible, so he'll call again. He's been getting good at that, learning how to call someone on the phone, lol! Yesterday, I just stuck with text because I'm sure he was anxious about his slip up from the night before, so I gave him the day to "recover"!!
I want him hearing my voice as much as possible!! Being nice and helpful when he needs it, but acting as if, and NOT letting myself get bullied!!
Just before I got 100% confirmation of OW I felt ready to take my wedding ring off, but over the last few days I have been missing it. I felt like today I needed it back on. No matter where he is at in his own head, I am still married to him and I take my vows seriously. Still completely devoted to him and wanting our M!!
Like others on here say and I have said a few times myself "it's not over til I say it is!"
Thought I was DONE, but not by a long shot!!
After dropping my D4 off at preschool I came home to do some things around the house. While in the extra bedroom, I started pulling some things out of the bookshelf to reorganize and pulled out some of H Navy awards. As I pulled them out, out fell a few papers, a note that he had written to me during his first deployment after we were back together (almost 15 years ago, HOLY COW, I just realized we have been together more like 17 years total).
As I started reading it the tears started to fall!! He talked about how worried he was that, while he was gone, my feelings for him would start to fade (by now I was sobbing) and that I would find someone else. I feel like this is exactly what has happened to us!!! I don't know why I had to find the letter now, today!
I guess it's one more of those little signs from god, just not quiet sure of what to do with this one yet!!
Suggestions please:
1. We have been waiting on some tax related papers to come in the mail. Should I call H to tell him they are here or just wait for him to ask about them?
I'm gonna think I should wait!! I've only had about 2 or 3 initiations on my end!!
2. When the time comes for me to tell H I know about OW I am gonna wait for the next face to face opportunity. Not gonna scream, yell, cry or degrade. Just planning to say in a very matter of fact and calm way "I know about (name of OW), I know you were seeing her in A, and I know it's fraternization". when he argues or lies and says it's not true I'm just gonna say "I have all of the proof I need and I have known about it for a few weeks now"
Should I also tell him that I am deciding what to do with this information?
I am feeling sad again. Trying to keep PMA, but I guess it's just one of those days and I am running through the mill of emotions again after realizing I still want my M. Don't neccesarily feel like I'm back at square one I just feel lonely and a little impatient (just wanting more to happen).
I don't want to feel impatient I now know that I have lots of time and patience is a virtue. I usually do very well with patience, but I guess I'm feeling a little bored in my life right now. Too much limbo today!!
*paralegal still hasn't gotten back in touch with me (still in sep limbo)
*lady about volunteering hasn't returned my call
UGH!!! Maybe tomorrow will be better!
Think I'm gonna read more DB, DR, and I have a new novel to read. Maybe that will occupy my time some! If the weather holds up on Thu (supposed to be upper 70's and partly cloudy) I think I will weed my flower beds. Can you believe that weeding flower beds in Feb in NC? None of the weeds ever totally died off this year and my lilies are already growing. Crazy weather!!
So sorry you're having a down day
it looks like you've posted a ton today...
IF you feel the need to confront him about the OW (and I totally get that) I think what you plan to say sounds fine- as long as you don't engage him when he gets defensive or even tries to turn it around on you for 'snooping' or saying that you made him feel the need to go find someone else. As long as you can maintain your cool- then it should be safe to talk to him.
But if there's a chance that you'll get angry and try to keep the conversation going hoping that you'll get an apology or an expression of guilt- don't tell him.
I'm sure you're frustrated about not hearing back from the legal people- they never seem to run on our timeline.
If you need a job, I've got an opening in my preschool! It's on Centerville, near Great Bridge.... Only about 10 minutes from the NC border...just a thought
I know it will be hard to talk to him about it I just really want him to know that I know. I absolutely do not expect any apologies and don't even want any explanations. I will even tell him that. I just want him to be forced to think about the magnitude of his poor decision. Really just hoping, once he knows that I know, he will be more likely to start backing away from her. Especially if I were to say something like "I am deciding what to do with this information". Where I am not threatening anything, but make him think I could go to the Navy.
I am totally prepared for him to tell me I can't prove it and I am not gonna show him my evidence he'll just have to decide or think about whether or not I really do have enough evidence and if it's worth testing me.
Gonna try the legal lady again tomorrow. Just want to get her advice on letting the cat out of the bag first, whether or not it will impact the use of the info for alimony purposes I don't think it will but I wanna make sure before I tell him.
As far as letting him in on the fact that he can't file in FL, I think I will wait until he threatens to go ahead and file again. He has given me an ultimatum telling me that I have until the 2nd week in March to put stuff on paper or he's filing anyway. I guess when that time comes I will tell him he can't do it in FL. That's gonna make him mad when he finds out he has to wait until next Jan to file for D.
What are the hours at the preschool? My D4 goes to preschool here in town from 9am to 12pm, so unless I can get my girlfriend to help out, a full time job is hard. Looking to start in June for sure, when the kids are out of school.
Hugs 31! I feel the same way about flip flopping. My thread is titled "I want to move on" but I haven't...
As for OW, that's a tough one. I remember when I confronted H about it he denied it. Not until I called OW and I heard it from her, then he couldn't lie.
When the time comes for me to tell H I know about OW I am gonna wait for the next face to face opportunity.
What is your motive for doing this? I know what my motive would be. What is your expectation?
As far as letting him in on the fact that he can't file in FL, I think I will wait until he threatens to go ahead and file again.
Why do you need to tell him? He's a big boy, he'll find out and if he discovers it on his own he won't be able to blame you for it.
Have you thought about doing NC except for kid emergencies?
When the time comes for me to tell H I know about OW I am gonna wait for the next face to face opportunity.
I just always feel like the important talks are much better to do face to face. I feel like text is way to impersonal and he can hang up in a phone call or interrupt. I just want to make sure he hears every word I say. I would also like to see the look on his face because he thinks he's actually getting away with something. The only expectation I have is to let him know. I don't want anything in return, no apology, no explanation. His choice to be with this OW is considered fraternization and he can get in ALOT of trouble with the Navy. I feel like if I put it out there on the table and he realizes that he's not fooling anyone, but himself he might start to think about the impact his choice might have on his career. Hopefully, eventually, he will choose not to be with her anymore and maybe focus more on his time with his children.
As far as letting him in on the fact that he can't file in FL, I think I will wait until he threatens to go ahead and file again.
Have you thought about doing NC except for kid emergencies? Lol!! I do like the idea of just letting him file ($450 to file), but I would probably have to contest his residency claim because I am afraid the judge would just push the paperwork through. I could be totally wrong and the judge might look at him and laugh and say, you can't file this D here, we have no jurisdiction. I just don't want to take that chance because FL has no waiting period/separation period before you can file.
As far as NC, it is a mix at this point, was very dark for a while and contact has increased over the last week. Sometimes full contact (meaning I will carry on a conversation via phone or text,
but only if he initiates, generally about money, D, kids, etc.). Other times it is grey where I will only answer the questions, via text, that I want to and when I want to (this one used to make him mad, but now it forces him to pick up the phone and call me, PROGRESS). At this point, I still consider myself fairly dark just because I am not the one initiating ANY kind of contact, except once to say "nevermind don't come over this am" and another to say "money's there. have a good day".
Yesterday he called and texted about tax stuff and once those are filed I'm sure he won't contact me and if he doesn't then there will be NC.
As far as telling him anything about OW or filing in NC, I will not initiate those communications either. If and when I tell him it will be during a conversation he initiated unless it's a face to face.
Whether you do it f2f or text doesn't matter. It seems you have 2 expectations:
I would also like to see the look on his face because he thinks he's actually getting away with something. using your anger as a sword, hurting him.
-and-
Hopefully, eventually, he will choose not to be with her anymore and maybe focus more on his time with his children.
and then there's this:
OW is considered fraternization and he can get in ALOT of trouble with the Navy.
How will these things help you? your children?
I'm not saying you shouldn't do any of these things but just think about the long-term ramifications, not for him so much as for you.
I would also like to see the look on his face because he thinks he's actually getting away with something. using your anger as a sword, hurting him.
Not neccesarily using my anger as a sword or to even hurt him. I just want him to understand that he isn't getting away with anything, that I know, and that I have still been pretty calm and helpful. I guess I am hoping that it will show him that I am willing to forgive him, if he ever wants to reconcile. Also, maybe make him see that I am "attempting" to move on and that it doesn't effect me the way he would expect. I'm sure he will be expecting me to cry, scream, beg, plead, and I am just not gonna do it.
-and-
Hopefully, eventually, he will choose not to be with her anymore and maybe focus more on his time with his children.
and then there's this:
OW is considered fraternization and he can get in ALOT of trouble with the Navy.
How will these things help you? your children?
This one is more for leverage when it comes to him backing away from her and getting alimony in the event of going through with D. I don't think I would ever turn him in to the Navy because I don't want to ruin his career or cause him to lose money which would adversely effect the kids and I. I just want him to think that it is a possibility and he values his career greatly and I am not so sure he would want to jeopardize it by continuing to see her. I'm not saying it will make him come back and I'm not expecting him to (would be nice if he would start to think about me more, see that I am being supportive, and maybe start to miss me), but I want her out of the picture. If he finds someone else then so be it, but she was the one who overlapped with H and my M. As far as helping the kids, I feel like she is a big catalyst that is effecting the amount of time he wants to spend with his kids. If she is out of the picture and he still doesn't come around as much, then it is totally his fault.
I'm not saying you shouldn't do any of these things but just think about the long-term ramifications, not for him so much as for you.
I have constanly been thinking about the ramifications. Initially, I was so angry that I wanted to turn him in right away and I wanted the whole world to know he is a cheater. After a few days I quickly realized that if I ever wanted to stay friends with him and even try to reconcile with him in the future, it wasn't in my best interest to something so extreme. I know in my heart that I wouldn't want to cause that much damage to him or between us, I just want him to think I might would do something like that. Who knows, maybe someday I will get to tell him that I never planned on turning it in because I didn't want to hurt him or our relationship. Definately NOT gonna threaten him with it I don't want to put that wedge between us either, it will just be in his own thoughts about whether or not I would turn him in.
I don't think I would ever turn him in to the Navy because I don't want to ruin his career or cause him to lose money which would adversely effect the kids and I. I just want him to think that it is a possibility and he values his career greatly and I am not so sure he would want to jeopardize it by continuing to see her.
Do you think he hasn't thought about this?
And the last part, is that who you want to be going forward?
as 25 says: Keep the road home paved and smooth, and I I don't think that includes being a doormat. But rather allowing them to travel their path and make their mistakes and suffer whatever consequences life holds for them.
Holding the sword of Damocles over his head is a major control device, don't you think?
I don't think I would ever turn him in to the Navy because I don't want to ruin his career or cause him to lose money which would adversely effect the kids and I. I just want him to think that it is a possibility and he values his career greatly and I am not so sure he would want to jeopardize it by continuing to see her.
Do you think he hasn't thought about this?
^^^^^^^^^
I think that he thought about this while on deployment, but I think that since he's come home, he thinks he is free and clear of the Navy finding out.
And the last part, is that who you want to be going forward?
^^^^^^^^^
He has never ever been the type of person to jeopardize his career like this. He has seen many, many people make this same mistake and always talked about how stupid they were and how ridiculous it was. Until the aliens, or whoever, took control of him, he has always been pretty honest, reliable, and had great morals and values. If there is a chance that person will come back then I am more than willing to move forward with him.
as 25 says: Keep the road home paved and smooth, and I I don't think that includes being a doormat. But rather allowing them to travel their path and make their mistakes and suffer whatever consequences life holds for them.
Wouldn't I be a doormat if I continue to allow him to think that he has pulled the wool over my eyes?
Holding the sword of Damocles over his head is a major control device, don't you think?
How do I be honest with him about what I know, be true to myself, and not have it be a control device? Do I just be honest with him and tell him, but expect no particular outcome? Do I just approach him and say, hey I know you haven't been completely honest with me, is there something you want to tell me? Then if he doesn't tell just leave it at that and tell him nothing of what I know?
This is all very new to me, this other person thing. All that I used to know about him, he was never the type to do this! It's all just so confusing. I don't know anymore if it's MLC, I think it is because that's the only explanation I have for him making such poor choices these days!!
So, I hopped over to the infidelity board to take a peek. Maybe it's not MLC and he is just totally wrapped up in this relationship with OW. I guess there is no real rush to tell him I know and from what I read DB says "no confronting"! I guess I just continue to be patient and wait it out! I have all the proof I need, but I am not willing to share that with him yet, so I guess there is no point. He will just claim that they are nothing but accusations anyway.
I will continue DBing, GAL, etc and wait it out!!
We have about 10 months worth of time to wait!
I got a call for an interview on Friday. Maybe I will get the job! I will be so proud of myself if I do and I think H will probably be proud of me too, not expecting him to say it, but maybe he'll at least feel it!! I think he thinks I have been dragging my feet and trying NOT to get a job. Maybe this will be one more notch in the belt of becoming the woman he'd be a fool to leave!!
*keeping my house pretty spotless at all times (loving the way this makes ME feel)
*hopefully having a job soon (this one has great benefits too)
*looking gorgeous at all times
*taking care of two kids, pretty much alone
*staying positive and happy most of the time
*finishing what I start
I think you are doing amazing things for this early after the Bomb. I was a wreck for months.
I don't know what I would do in your situation. I just know that to get out of this a better person, I need to examine and be very aware of my motives.
Best of luck with the job.
"I just want him to be forced to think about the magnitude of his poor decision.
"Really just hoping, once he knows that I know, he will be more likely to start backing away from her."
"Where I am not threatening anything,"
Re-read your quotes above. You are threatening him in a way. You are EXPECTING him to be a certain way to you. You WANT him to see he's doing wrong. You need to stop this type of thinking. It's pursuing.
No one can MAKE another person see something they don't want to. You have to let that part go. Find out what your rights are and protect yourself first legally.
If you really feel the need to tell him that you know, then I would tell him in a very straightforward, matter of fact manner. You don't have to tell him what you're going to do with the info. Hold your cards tight.
Mr Bond:
You are very right about my expectations of telling him! I was hoping that it would make him open his eyes, but nothing will MAKE him open his eyes until he's ready. I lost sight of that through all of the emotions and need for something to happen.
I realized I need to refocus on myself and my DBing, GAL, PMA, kids, etc. I also needed to remind myself NOT to do anything with the hope that he will NOTICE, only do it because I want to and it will make ME happy!!
I have decided to wait to tell him unless the appropriate opportunity presents itself, such as him initiating R talk because I would also want to tell him that I have thought long and hard about it and that it is something that I can forgive him for. I definately would not tell him what I plan to do with this info just that I know about OW. I also don't intend to share any of my proof about OW.
I never know what H's motives are, but then again I guess I will NEVER know!!
He texted yesterday asking about some money I spent, wanting to know what it was for and said he needed tires. I told him what the money was, groceries, and asked if the tires could wait til next payday. He said nope they were already done and said he'd be gettin the extra money soon. After a few minutes he said that was a lot for groceries (remember his head's been up his a$$ for the last year) I said no, that was typical depending on what staples we're out of. A few minutes later he asked if I got in touch with my girlfriend about our taxes, I said not yet.
Here's the part I'm not sure of:
About 10 minutes later he says, the guy at pep boys said I needed 4 tires, brakes, and alignment, but that he only got 2 tires. I said ok on the next payday get the other 2 and all the other stuff. He said that or space it out a few paydays. I said it should be fine if you wanna get it done and outta the way. He says no, I'll figure it out. So, I just said ok, whatever you decide.
Have no idea why he wanted to tell me that, another excuse to talk, didn't fuss at me like it was my fault. Hmmmmm just don't know!!
Your best bet is to quit trying to figure out his motives or why he says things and live your life.
That's what really detaching is.
Have you thought of coming up with a financial agreement so you don't have to have these money talks over and over? It would take a lot of stress off you.
I know I gotta quit thinking about his motives. I know it does no good. Part of me, although it's not DB to think about, just hopes that maybe it's because he misses talking to me.
I guess I'm just wondering if they could be viewed as baby steps or steps in the right direction. I guess they could because, the truck tire talk for instance, has nothing to do with D and for the last month the only thing he has talked to me about has been D.
I'm sure we will do a financial agreement when he realizes we have to file in NC. The finance talk really doesn't stress me out and to be honest with you it feels like baby steps too because he has been communicating a little more about the money and the whole time he was in FL he didn't talk about any of that with me. Just did what he wanted and didn't care to share any of his spending.
I feel like he is trying to be a tiny bit more open with me here lately.
Weekends STILL continue to be the absolute hardest and lonliest days! For a year I dreamed and fantasized about the weekends where we would be playing wii all night, watching movies, and taking the kids to fun places (H even made some suggestions of things he and I could do together) and that was all wiped away in an instant!!
The LONLINESS seems to be the hardest part for me to get past!! I have friends and support, but it just isn't the same! He was always my very best friend and everyday was geared around hearing from him!
I ALWAYS try to remind myself that the lonliness is only temporary. It is something I have to endure right now, for a brief time in my life, in order to take care of myself and fight hard for my M.
If I can save my M, the lonliness will go away and I will have the one I want to be with for the rest of my life. If I can't save my M then the lonliness will eventually be replaced with someone new, when I am completely ready to let go of my R with H and move on.
Right now, all I think about is H! Not to the point that it prevents me from being me, from taking care of myself, or making myself happy. It's just normal for me to have him in my thoughts constantly. It reminds me of my love for him, that I can forgive him if he will let me, and that we may have happier times lined up for us right around the corner.
I am very seriously considering NC for, at least, the next week (H will probably start to ask about D stuff with the expectation of filing, I will have to fill him in and once I do back to a longer term of NC). I heard from him all, but 2 days last week. UGH, It put me back in a place where I long to hear from him and when I don't I get sad. I need to get myself back to the place where I was when I didn't expect to hear from him. I also need to let him see what it's gonna be like without me waiting in the wings. He rarely contacted me when he was continually with her for that month, but now he can only text, email, or message, either one of us so, I feel like he's been reaching out to me a little more. I want him to see and feel me slip away a little. REALITY!!
31- something I'm working on is parenting myself. I bring this up because 1-I need to remind myself and 2- you express how much you miss his company and how someone else's company will help your lonliness.
Only you can cure your lonliness (this is me also telling myself) GAL will help you w that. Use your support system (if you don't have one find one and use them all -ie higher power; friends/family; exercising etc).
When I wish I could call H and tell him about something, I call someone else and tell them. If that's not enough I call and tell another person. I'm a talker and need to be listened. Is that a love language?
Anyway, take care of yourself! Oh and when he calls you about random things like tires, sometimes it means he wants there to be some connection. But don't read too much into it cuz not even he knows why he does it. They are a mess now!
I know those same lonely feelings all too well. And weekends have always been the hardest. In fact, it's the nights that get me: when the kids are asleep and it used to be just me and H hanging out on the couch or ML... When I'm sitting there alone, *that's* when it hits me again.
I remember reading some of your posts while he was in FL, you were getting to a good place and detaching- you've had to start over (almost) now that he's back. Before my H moved out, I was a complete mess- almost everyday! I felt moments of detachment, but they were short lived. It was almost a blessing disguise when he moved out, I started to be able to detach more often. Dont misunderstand, I am not completely detached by any means, and I still long for his companionship... But I don't break down and cry anymore. I don't get my feelings hurt when he's not as attentive as I hope.
DBing while they are gone is different than when they are visible regularly. You've got to get yourself back to that mental place you were when he was gone. It won't take you as long as it did before and you should be able to recover from the emotional trauma quicker each time. What did you do that helped when he was gone? Do those, double them of you have to!
It's completely unserstandable why you're feeling low again, his homecoming and talk about D is like a second bomb. You're going to have to let yourself go through all the same emotions as the fist one, but they wont last as long in each phase this time.
You already proved that you can get to a place where you were able to say that you were completely done with the M.... Not saying you should get back there, but you can get to that strong place again!
(((31)))
When I wish I could call H and tell him about something, I call someone else and tell them. If that's not enough I call and tell another person. I'm a talker and need to be listened. Is that a love language?
This is my biggest problem. He has been gone for so long that I don't miss his presence as much as I miss the emails or texts that we used to share constantly throughout the day. Just telling him everything I was up to and even talking about the silly things like what we were having for dinner. I definately feel like this is a love language for me! (that's why he sucked me back in so easily) Any word from him makes my heart race and feel so close to him. Even if its just to say he needed tires. I ALWAYS call friends throughout the day and can easily spend 3+ hours on the phone with my mom, per day. LOL!
Anyway, take care of yourself! Oh and when he calls you about random things like tires, sometimes it means he wants there to be some connection. But don't read too much into it cuz not even he knows why he does it. They are a mess now!
FYI-Hadn't heard from him since Thu then yesterday he sent a text telling me the new netflix password and to send the movies back. LOL! I smiled really big, but I didn't reply. Trying to observe some NC and it always makes me feel more empowered when I don't answer. Like I'm the one in control!!
Ok, so I am still having a horrible time today. I have been painting and cleaning the extra room which includes going through lots and lots of old papers. UGH, triggers, triggers, triggers!! I just can't seem to get away from them today no matter what I do. Even when I leave the room or the house something triggers me!
I guess it is made worse by the fact that H's current spending at his school appears that he is not only spending for himself anymore and he's eating at those places that are not typical of him again!
I know via emails from H's FB that OW was planning to visit him in March so I'm assuming that is now! Of course, messages from him have been very sparse and very, very brief compared to what they were last week. Last week he called back and forth about taxes, told me about the truck tires, etc. Didn't hear from him on Fri or Sat then on Sun I get this:
H: new netflix password is *******
H: you need to send the movies back
I don't reply! Then last night at midnight I get:
H: pay bills (extra money finally went in so he was telling me the money was there to pay the bills)
Makes me wonder if he feels guilty about talking to me when OW is around and if so, I wonder if he has something to feel guilty about, like feelings for me when he claims there aren't any. I also wonder if she realizes he's been talking to me as much as he has.
My gut tells me that this OW is pretty much using him for his money!! I really hope that gets old for him after a while!! Also thinking she's been pushing him with the D. Oh well, can't wait until they find out that it's gonna be at least 01/13. Hoping she gets annoyed after a while and backs off!!
I am back to planning to tell H I know about OW, but I think I have come up with a better way. I still feel like I need to let him know to get it off my chest. At this point I no longer expect anything, not even for him to stop seeing her.
I'm thinking of casually saying something like this: (next time we are face to face, still feel this is better)
"I think there might be something you need to tell me"
I'm sure his heart will race and he will think Oh sh!t, but he will say something like "what do you mean".
Then I will cock my head to the side and say "you know what I mean"
he'll probably say "no I don't"
then one last thing I will say "I'm giving you a chance to come clean right now, but if you don't know what I'm talking about then ok"
Hoping in this type of conversation I will be able to question him or hint around that I know without it appearing that I am really accusing him of anything. If he doesn't come clean and tell me then there is nothing I can do. I think he suspects that I know, but since I haven't said anything then he can't be sure.
Should I tell him in a conversation like that or just start asking questions and start hinting around. For example: H paid his cell phone bill this month and it is almost the same amount it was when our phones were on the same account. I'm pretty sure OW is on the account now.
I was thinking of saying something like "why is your cell phone bill so much, it almost looks like your still paying for both of our phones or something". So, I can hint around that I know that bill is for two lines without flat out accusing or questioning.
So far today feels like a much better day for me, emotionally! I started thinking about H's most recent texts as ways to reach out to me (makes me feel better if I view them as a positive thing) because honestly the password wasn't absolutely necessary. I can't remember the last time I got on the computer to logon. He could've waited until I asked for it. The "pay bills" comment wasn't necessary either. I mean I have been paying the bills religiously, even after H dropped the bomb. It's still my job!! I would've gotten on the bank account and seen the money was there and done the paying. So, again, I feel he was reaching out a little. Hopefully, OW will leave soon and he will start reaching out more and I can "kill him with kindness". Make him miss me some!
So glad you're having a good emotional day!! They seem to come more often the more you become detached. Good for you for taking his texts as a positive- that keeps you in a PMA!!
(((31))). Lonliness can be so hard to deal with, especially at your most vulnerable. Sometimes there is no stopping it, you're just going to feel lonely. But it's a feeling and it will pass, little by little. Your lonliness now is a gateway to a better, richer life in the future if it prompts you to GAL and become a better you. Ironcially, it can be easier to GAL when you are stronger and more detached, but you need it the most when you are vulnerable. So, GAL like your life depends on it. You say that your life before was oriented around hearing from you H. Now you have to re-orient your life. Find a different focus, even if it feels fake for now. Act "as if." I now re-focus my days around my list of life goals which include healthy cooking, home decorating, movies, and weekends exercising and socializing. I have to do this so that every phone call and text doesn't send me into a tailspin. I'm getting there.
My gut tells me that this OW is pretty much using him for his money!! I really hope that gets old for him after a while!! Also thinking she's been pushing him with the D. Oh well, can't wait until they find out that it's gonna be at least 01/13. Hoping she gets annoyed after a while and backs off!!
Why spend your precious time and energy focusing on her and what she may or may not be thinking or feeling? Who cares? She's not worth your effort and pain. She may get annoyed and back off, or she may not. Just as you cannot have expectations of your H, you certainly can't have expectations of the OW. She may have pushed him for a D, or it could have been all your H's idea. The hardest thing for me has been to stop my mind swirling with all kinds of fantasy scenarios of what H was doing/thinking/feeling, etc. It is exhausting, and I haven't quite managed to get it under control yet. But whenever I catch myself thinking, "I wonder what that sigh in the conversation meant, etc." I mentally say to myself, "who cares?" I am working on myself and H knows that if he wants to return to the relationship he can say so and we will start from there. Trying to keep the road home paved as 25 says by GALing and being the best person I can.
I am back to planning to tell H I know about OW, but I think I have come up with a better way. I still feel like I need to let him know to get it off my chest. At this point I no longer expect anything, not even for him to stop seeing her.
I'm thinking of casually saying something like this: (next time we are face to face, still feel this is better)
"I think there might be something you need to tell me"
I'm sure his heart will race and he will think Oh sh!t, but he will say something like "what do you mean".
Then I will cock my head to the side and say "you know what I mean"
he'll probably say "no I don't"
then one last thing I will say "I'm giving you a chance to come clean right now, but if you don't know what I'm talking about then ok"
Hoping in this type of conversation I will be able to question him or hint around that I know without it appearing that I am really accusing him of anything. If he doesn't come clean and tell me then there is nothing I can do. I think he suspects that I know, but since I haven't said anything then he can't be sure.
Should I tell him in a conversation like that or just start asking questions and start hinting around. For example: H paid his cell phone bill this month and it is almost the same amount it was when our phones were on the same account. I'm pretty sure OW is on the account now.
I was thinking of saying something like "why is your cell phone bill so much, it almost looks like your still paying for both of our phones or something". So, I can hint around that I know that bill is for two lines without flat out accusing or questioning.
31, I would not employ these tactics. Just my opinion and others may disagree, but why beat around the bush or hint? You know what you know and either you tell your H directly or keep it to yourself. Being direct doesn't need to mean you have a nasty confrontation. First, I would ask you, how would letting him know that you are aware of the OW help you achieve your goal? I don't know what I would do in this situation myself, and I feel for you. Best of luck and keep posting.
Mimi
(((31)))Bless your heart, but I think you are building yourself up for a big letdown. All these wishful mental scenarios aren't a part of DB. Looking at reality and working toward a better, stronger you is so important.
How do you feel you've detached?
What are you really doing for yourself?
Well, just realized today that H has defriended me on FB, 2 mo after the bomb (it was still there 2 weeks ago, so I am confused). I also realized that he defriended about 50 other people that were all pretty close friends who were either on his last ship, my friends too, or knew us before his deployment.
This threw me into a hysterical tailspin!!
Luckily a girlfriend reminded me not to read too much into that petty behavior because she said there were times, when she felt so angry at her H or felt ashamed because of something that she had done, that she temporarily defriended her H or even shut her FB down.
It also made me feel better that he hadn't just defriended me, but also many others who will be VERY confused!! It also made me feel better to think about the fact that many of you have had your WAS's do the same sort of things. I quickly realized not to let it affect me and that I wasn't alone!!
UGH!!! A day in the life of an LBS!!
I think today made me really realize that I had gotten too far back into a place where H's actions affected me way too much!!
Rings came back off a few days ago (I figured out that I really needed to do this for me to really and I am, again, trying to just focus on the kids and I and do things only for me!!
labug: normally I contain the wishful thinking stuff enough to where I don't dwell on it too much! I do find it helpful though because, although I know things will never play out like I imagine and may never work out the way I want, I use the wishful thinking as fantasies or daydreams and as long as I keep them in check, they help with the PMA.
I thought I was very well detached for a while. For example: when I found the FB info of H's I was very angry, but never cried. Within a day the anger was gone and I began to feel more indifferent and strong.
I think I became RE-attached when H was in contact with me for most days over a two week period. None of the contacts were about R, but any contact with him seems to be a love language for me!
The brief breakdown today was a sign, to me, that I am starting to become stronger again and working on detaching again. Trying to stick to my schedules and keep H out of my mind.
GAL:
*Yesterday finished painting my extra room blue and put up some decor
*spent some extra time at the Y today and on the phone with a girlfriend
*tomorrow planning to do some more yardwork and attend my favorite class at the Y
*now that my extra room is almost finished and as soon as I finish it I will begin catching up on my very, very, very far behind scrapbooking and work on some of my other crafts that got started, but never finished.
This is on of my 180's "finishing what I start"!!
I really feel your pain. Whenever I see my H. I get all sorts of crazy wishful thinking thoughts. I saw him yesterday to go over legal stuff and it pretty much sent me to my bed for the day. My d. will be final April 12. I have to find an apt. and basically move on and hope maybe someday...Hang in there, you are on the same rollercoaster as a lot of us!
(((hopeless)))
Thank you!! I feel for you with the D in April. My H thought he was gonna file in FL and that our D would be final in May. I was not ready for it to be over that fast!!! I recently found out that FL doesn't consider us residents anymore so, we have to file in NC. Now we have at least 10 months before filing and he is going on another deployment early next year so, fingers crossed that they move the deployment up and he won't have time to file until after that. I am hoping for him just to have enough time to really realize what he's giving up before we go all the way through this.
Do I question H about why he defriended me, and everyone else, on FB or do I just act "as if" it doesn't bother me?
I think I know the correct DB answer but, just curious!
If you know the answer, why are you asking?
Trust yourself to do what's right, even if it's difficult. That's how we grow.