Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/16/12 03:39 PM
Previous thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2222599&#Post2222599

Wow, third thread already. I'll take this opportunity to thank all of you that helped get me here. I'm still a mess to be sure, but this process becomes more intuitve every day. I'm learning what works and what does not work (mostly). So fortunate to be here - thanks folks!
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/16/12 03:42 PM
Smells fresh in here....

Like Monkey Febreeze..
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/17/12 05:10 AM
Let's hope I can keep it that way. I'm getting soo tired of "hanging in there". Sometimes I feel like W is DBing me? Ice cold...

Again, this would be so much easier if I had a dialogue with her. Love to insert logic into a sitch. Usually hose myself in doing so.
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/17/12 01:28 PM
Originally Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky
Usually hose myself in doing so.


How so ???
Posted By: rickb89 Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/17/12 09:34 PM
Planet Apeman - you mentioned in an earlier post about Nice Guy Syndrome. I think I heard Brklyn mention this too. I googled the book No More Mr Nice Guy and read the common characteristics. There was enough there for me to decide to download the book on the Nook I just bought. Going to do that tonight and see if it helps.

Hope you have a great weekend!
Posted By: Broken74 Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/17/12 10:15 PM
Hey Grmpy,

Just wanted to wish you a happy weekend man. I just caught up on your sitch and it seems like we have a lot of things of common. I'm going to have to check into this nice-guy syndrome. It also happens to be the case that I am currently in the sub-zero freezer as well whereas things were looking up on Tuesday. It sounds like you are doing the right things, I am also challenged in how to make her see changes when we don't really have anything tying us together... Makes it tough.

I wanted to ask if I can join you in your journey to the June move on date "target". I think that will help because although I know "putting a timer on affairs of the heart" is not good, I need some type of stake in the ground...

I appreciate the kick in the pants this week I needed it and I am sure I will need another. I'm right here with you man keep your chin up. Thanks again!
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/18/12 04:32 AM
Hey guys. Yeah, I found the book to be very helpful in several different areas of my sitch and outlook. The title can be misleading. It is in no way about being a jerk to the W. When reading that book I discovered that I would do anything to please my W. I did not want to fight. When we did fight is was some nasty stuff because I had kept soo much garbage indside my head for so long. Like a simian pressure cooker.

BTW - monkey was my W's nickname for me partly because I would fling emotional poo when I finally lost it. Still, guess that's better than love bunny or something grin
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/18/12 04:36 AM
I appreciate the kick in the pants this week I needed it and I am sure I will need another. I'm right here with you man keep your chin up. Thanks again!

No worries, I'm sure you and many others will have ample opportunity to "get me back on track too!"

Note to self - do not get on the boards following a night donwstairs for meat and merlot blush
Posted By: rickb89 Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/18/12 04:43 AM
Originally Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky
Hey guys. Yeah, I found the book to be very helpful in several different areas of my sitch and outlook. The title can be misleading. It is in no way about being a jerk to the W. When reading that book I discovered that I would do anything to please my W. I did not want to fight. When we did fight is was some nasty stuff because I had kept soo much garbage indside my head for so long. Like a simian pressure cooker.

BTW - monkey was my W's nickname for me partly because I would fling emotional poo when I finally lost it. Still, guess that's better than love bunny or something grin
[censored] yeah if yor gonna go down at least you got a cool nickname...i need to read this book ....i think some of it applies
Posted By: mr mr Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/18/12 05:37 AM
I read the book and found it to be very insightful. At times it felt like this guy must have been in my head! Gonna have to see how this plays out in future relationships but I am thinking it will help a lot.

Ok, my S10 shared a joke today, "What is invisible and smells like bananas? "

"Monkey farts!" Lol
Posted By: labug Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/18/12 01:51 PM
Mnky, you describe my H perfectly. I've thought about getting the book for my H...probably not one of my better ideas, huh?

Did you feel that your W was a controlling beyotch?

You did fine post-Merlot.
Posted By: labug Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/18/12 02:24 PM
"Go free range, brother!" Mnky, as I've said before, you have a way with words. We should start a thread of Mnkyisms.

uhhhhhh wait a minute, going free range isn't anything like going commando, is it?
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/18/12 02:36 PM
uhhhhhh wait a minute, going free range isn't anything like going commando, is it?

Hey, if that helps him out go for it!

Nah, my wife was just the opposite before the separation. She is a very stoic gal. I could tell when something was bothering her, but she usually refused to talk about it because she was afraid I would lose my temper. That was not the case, nevertheless,it was her perception - reality. Very dysfunctional relationship.

Monkey Farts - there is actually a jar candle out there called "monkey farts". Gotta tell ya they got it all wrong. Smells nothing like the real thing...
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/18/12 02:41 PM
How so ???

Did not forget about this. Still thinking..
Posted By: labug Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/18/12 02:56 PM
I was afraid a lot that H would lose his temper. He didn't very often but the consequences were always disastrous. Like he had taken a position he couldn't retreat from.

water under the bridge now.
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/18/12 03:13 PM
"Like he had taken a position he couldn't retreat from."

^^^BINGO! me perfectly.
Posted By: labug Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/18/12 03:19 PM
OK, so I'll say this to you. Retreating is OK, it really says nothing bad about who you are. It does say that sometimes you say things in the heat of battle that you don't mean and in the clear, cold light of day you realize your mistake and can apologize.
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/18/12 03:28 PM
I know this. It took awhile, but I know this.
Wife said its too late for apologies and she is still very hurt and angry as far as I know. I'm in a good place now, hope she decides to join me some day.
Posted By: purgatory Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/18/12 04:46 PM
I've learned, the hard way, that once words leave your mouth- they turn to smoke and are impossible to collect and take back. When I was angry- I would just rattle off whatever came to mind, with no filter or thoughts of what my words would make him feel. It would take a while for me to get back in control and it was almost like my brain had to re-engage... And by then, the damage was done. I would apologize, he accepted and I would move on- as if it never happened. I never internalized what it felt like for him to be on the receiving end of my venom. It was years of this pattern that took its toll on H.

Not sure if you were ever this extreme, but it sounds like your W reached the same place as my H. All we can do now is to reflect inwards and choose to do 'surgery' on our temper and live it everyday. Like 25 says, 'from this day forward, be the best we can be'

I can relate to labug's statement: "a position he couldn't retreat from". Once I realized what I had done, I was embarrassed and ashamed- so my solution was to ignore it (probably a pride thing) and just move on.... Turns out my H needed me to be vulnerable enough to admit my shame and be genuine in my apology. A tough lesson to learn, that I will never have to learn again.
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/18/12 04:58 PM
Purg - spot on, you nailed it. I felt so utterly out of control when the venom began to spew. I was ashamed and embarassed every time this happended. That, of course, made things much worse in the long run. My wife finally reached her threshold. Its tough now in that respect. I'm much happier and secure with who I am now. Regrettably, she cannot see that because we very seldom have any contact. Not yet sure at what point it will be appropriate to initiate a dialogue with her. Fairly certain that its still way too soon to ask for that.

Purg&Bug - thanks for sharing!
Posted By: BFloat Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/18/12 05:05 PM
here's the flip side.. i am extremely careful with what i say because i've learned over the years that once something is said.. it can not be taken back. so in my M, i would often remain silent.. choosing to ponder and word things in my head before actually saying it.

i think what happens there is that you begin to surpress a lot of issues (thinking it's not a big deal when in fact it is) and then the silent resentment and mistrust just builds.

so there you go..

and now i'm trying to learn to communicate better where i voice my needs in a loving, non judgemental way.. in a way where the other person is free to say no (my H often said yes went he meant no and then resented me) and i don't feel rejected.

very hard lessons.
Posted By: labug Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/18/12 07:50 PM
Great insights by everyone. I found that How to Fix Your Marriage Without Talking About It was helpful in helping me see how I used shame and blame A LOT in my interactions with H.

Thank you all for being vulnerable here and sharing those things we find difficult within us.
Posted By: rickb89 Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/18/12 07:51 PM
[quote=barely floating]here's the flip side.. i am extremely careful with what i say because i've learned over the years that once something is said.. it can not be taken back. so in my M, i would often remain silent.. choosing to ponder and word things in my head before actually saying it.

i think what happens there is that you begin to surpress a lot of issues (thinking it's not a big deal when in fact it is) and then the silent resentment and mistrust just builds.

so there you go..

and now i'm trying to learn to communicate better where i voice my needs in a loving, non judgemental way.. in a way where the other person is free to say no (my H often said yes went he meant no and then resented me) and i don't feel rejected.

Barely...i was like you in that i didnt face things that were harmful...supressed and buried...but resentment and bitterness grew
Posted By: purgatory Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/19/12 03:58 AM
Grumpy, saw that you were headed to P-cola soon... sorry I missed ya!! Have fun with all the Mardi Gras shenanigans in Mobile:) The cops and the crazies are out in full force!
Posted By: keep_going Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/19/12 06:20 AM
Originally Posted By: purgatory
When I was angry- I would just rattle off whatever came to mind, with no filter or thoughts of what my words would make him feel. It would take a while for me to get back in control and it was almost like my brain had to re-engage... And by then, the damage was done. I would apologize, he accepted and I would move on- as if it never happened. I never internalized what it felt like for him to be on the receiving end of my venom. It was years of this pattern that took its toll on H.


I can relate to labug's statement: "a position he couldn't retreat from". Once I realized what I had done, I was embarrassed and ashamed- so my solution was to ignore it (probably a pride thing) and just move on.... Turns out my H needed me to be vulnerable enough to admit my shame and be genuine in my apology. A tough lesson to learn, that I will never have to learn again.


Bingo... This was me EXACTLY. Unfortunately, the damage I did and my H's hurt is now too much to overcome. He sees his part in letting himself be treated like that and has vowed never to let it happen again. So he will never look back or trust me.

So I am applying my hard-learned lessions to all my R's, not just with H.

Anger is just too damaging to oneself and everyone around you.
Posted By: rickb89 Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/20/12 07:11 PM
Monkster - hope you have a helluva time in Pcola. A trip for pleasure I hope!
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/21/12 03:35 AM
friggin awesome time... must rest now, till tomorrow.
Posted By: purgatory Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/21/12 03:46 AM
Fun? in P-cola?? where do you find that?? lol

I remember when Seville Quarter was *the*place to go... and it was fun when I was 19!

Rest up for tomorrow!!
Posted By: labug Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/21/12 01:42 PM
Mnky is on the loose!
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/21/12 02:54 PM
Bingo... This was me EXACTLY. Unfortunately, the damage I did and my H's hurt is now too much to overcome. He sees his part in letting himself be treated like that and has vowed never to let it happen again. So he will never look back or trust me.

So I am applying my hard-learned lessions to all my R's, not just with H.

Anger is just too damaging to oneself and everyone around you.

So true. When I think about this it really hurts because I wish she could see how dedicated I am to my permanent changes. Can’t go back and change anything.

With my travels this weekend I met lots of new people in P’cola, Mobile, and New Orleans during Mardi Gras festivities. The attentions and affections of female friends was great. It was GAL taken to the extreme! One thing I noticed last night was that I miss my wife a bit less every day. Not sure what this means. I know I want reconciliation, however, I’m learning that life will indeed go on and I am happier now than I have been in many years. So will this be the week I ask her to sign the papers? I’m very close to this…but I still want to wait a bit longer. I no longer feel like the “Sword of Damocles” is hanging over my head. This is nice! Hmm…what to do? I can honestly say that I am at an impasse on this.
Posted By: labug Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/21/12 03:01 PM
Finding the person you're meant to be is fantastic, isn't it?

On many long journeys have I gone. And waited, too, for others to return from journeys of their own. Some return; some are broken; some come back so different only their names remain.~Yoda
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/21/12 03:14 PM
Indeed it is. Still getting used to my "new skin", though it fits better with every passing moment.

I have also learned that I never really shared some of the more intense parts of my past with the wife or anyone else for that matter. Only recently have I opened-up to my IC and a close friend. So wish I had shared those darker parts of my past with W before this all went to heck.

BTW - loving the Yodaisms. wink
Posted By: rickb89 Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/21/12 07:16 PM
Monkey on the loose - not an easy decison but you have worked yourself to a place where you are choosing happiness.

I see you haven't been separated that long in terms of calendar time (as opposed to subjective time which can feel like an eternity). Is you're W in any way showing you the possibilty of working on the M? Can you be happy while still actively standing for your M? Food for thought.

Love the yoda quotes too.
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/21/12 07:36 PM
I see you haven't been separated that long in terms of calendar time (as opposed to subjective time which can feel like an eternity). Is you're W in any way showing you the possibilty of working on the M? Can you be happy while still actively standing for your M? Food for thought.

I struggle with this Rick. It has not been long at all when looking at the calendar. I find that when "I stand for the marriage" I am often overcome with feelings of futility. Not even the tiniest sign that she interested in even taliking to me let alone working on the M.I am beyond LRT - dark. I don't see it happening. She is beyond any doubt the love of my life - nobody will be able to take her place. I do not blame the W for anything, nevertheless she has made her choice and I have no reason to believe she will have a change of heart.
Posted By: Broken74 Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/21/12 08:11 PM
Hey Grmpy,

Man I'm jealous, what better way to GAL than a Mardi Gras expedition... Awesome!!!

Looks like we are coming to the same fork in the road brother (it's dark as night over here), and as you already know we will be just fine either way it pans out. Keep your chin up man you never know what may happen just around the corner!
Posted By: rickb89 Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/21/12 08:46 PM
Originally Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky
I see you haven't been separated that long in terms of calendar time (as opposed to subjective time which can feel like an eternity). Is you're W in any way showing you the possibilty of working on the M? Can you be happy while still actively standing for your M? Food for thought.

I struggle with this Rick. It has not been long at all when looking at the calendar. I find that when "I stand for the marriage" I am often overcome with feelings of futility. Not even the tiniest sign that she interested in even taliking to me let alone working on the M.I am beyond LRT - dark. I don't see it happening. She is beyond any doubt the love of my life - nobody will be able to take her place. I do not blame the W for anything, nevertheless she has made her choice and I have no reason to believe she will have a change of heart.


You are so strong to truthfully look at yourself, your M, your W and be so openly honest about how you feel. I'm so sorry you have this sitch in your life. Have you ever told her what you you just told me and others here? That you own your contributions to your troubled M, that you see what you you needed to see and have grown, that she is the love of your life? I know the DB world brands that as pursuing but what if it's like Crimson's W, where she thought his distance was by his choice, what he wanted?

I don't know all of your history but I would hate to see you make a decision if you have never told her how you feel. And FWIW, my W treated me like I was Satan and Hitler rolled into one for at least six months. Is there any chance that it's too early to take it off life support?
Posted By: purgatory Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/21/12 10:23 PM
Mnky- I hope you are enjoying the mardi gras celebrations!!

In reference to what Rick said up there^^^^^... I wrote H a letter (after getting advice from Crimson) and I never knew when I was going to give it to him.... well, I discovered that *he* found it (I guess he goes snooping too) while I was gone b/c the paper was folded differently than when I left it.... He's never said anything to me about it specifically- but he made a comment a few days ago: "I know what you're trying to do here..." and then he kissed my forehead- it makes sense now, knowing that he read the letter.

I feel that it's important for the WAS to have all the cards on the table if they are going to make the decision to walk away. At this point, you feel like nothing will ever change her mind.... but if you *do nothing* then that's true. But if you put all your feelings out on the table and let her know that you've accepted your role in the break-up, what do you have to loose?
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/21/12 11:36 PM
Y'all are awesome with the advice and encouragement. Funny thing is, remember back when I had to meet the W to get the papers notarized? I gave the "letter" and conveyed to her my feeling, thoughts, and apologies. She spewed pure venom back at me. I am reluctant to bring this up again. That night I promised myself that I would never allow her to do that to me again. Hence my going way dark. I would like to think that this happend because I approached her too soon. I would like to think that she is missing me and perhaps even doubting her decision. Than again, I would like to be happy and not care what she is thinking about. Does this make sense? Not very good at sharing the feelings..I'm going to give it more time.
Posted By: rickb89 Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/22/12 04:17 AM
If you had no plans or immediate desire to find another relationship, then cpuld you stay on your path of enlightenment and continue to rebuild your life, all the while giving your M a little more time? I am practicing what I preach here and asking myself the same question.
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/22/12 04:47 AM
^^^ that's my plan Rick. Today anyway..Lol. I love giving the advice, but I seem to have the patience of a weasel. Weasels are very impatient ya know.
Posted By: purgatory Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/22/12 05:25 AM
So, should your name be grmpy_weasel??
But I think of we seals as ugly, sneaky creatures..... Monkeys are much more friendly smile

Are armadillos, raccoons and possums impatient too... I mean, they cant even wait for a car to pass before they run out into the road and get smooshed.


fwiw: I think you and Rick are both admirable for your current choice to respect your M enough not to start another R... If only yall's Ws could now how mic you love and respect them.
Posted By: ces67 Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/22/12 01:45 PM
Originally Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky
^^^ that's my plan Rick. Today anyway..Lol. I love giving the advice, but I seem to have the patience of a weasel. Weasels are very impatient ya know.


So glad I'm not the only one preaching to myself with comments. Its amazing how much clearer it is to see objectively with other's sitch but not our own...
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/22/12 02:49 PM
Are armadillos, raccoons and possums impatient too... I mean, they cant even wait for a car to pass before they run out into the road and get smooshed.

I think you might be on to something there Purg. Hmm, perhaps I can suggest this to one of my interns so they can change the track of their thesis? smile
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/22/12 02:51 PM
Hey Ces, yeah its friggin bizzare how my feelings ebb and flow.
A period of indecision this past weekend. Too much GAL...
Posted By: rickb89 Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/22/12 05:33 PM
This is my new thing I learned today...about weasels. Thanks.

You never know how or when, or if ever your W will look back to you, but I think if you truly love someone you take it as far as you can humanly go. I guess the trick is not to lose yourself in the process, or make sure you use the time well to complete a self audit. It's not easy to know when or if to pull the trigger, and then if you do, are you unknowingly pointing the barrel at yourself..

Look I'm almost a year into this and looking back I think it was worth it to stay with her even with all the BS and hardships. And every time I'm ready to cut the cord with her, she tells me enough about where she is that I say okay I can do this a little longer for you/me/us. It's not easy though. There is always the lure of a new life as a possibility. I am and have been in your shoes for a long time and I stand by that I am glad I didn't end it when it was at end points. Not that guaranties a future R, its just that I would have ended it with out the truth totally playing out and I would have been plaqued with wondering for the rest of my days.
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/22/12 06:25 PM
^^^thanks Rick.
Posted By: labug Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/28/12 01:22 AM
Hey Mnky, what's up? I worry when people just disappear.
Posted By: purgatory Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/28/12 01:31 AM
He's probably recovering from Mardi Gras celebrations!

But I'm with Bug, what did you go??
Posted By: rickb89 Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/28/12 04:59 AM
Calling all monkees....where r u? You good?
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/28/12 02:53 PM
Hey y'all. I'm good. Just been real busy at work and traveling on my days off this week. Nothing to report yet. Groundhog Day to be sure.
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/28/12 07:09 PM
A couple of new emails from wife today about finances and taxes. I swear, I've had warmer exchanges with a bill collector.

So hear we are just over three months post-bomb. She is still as cold as day one. How in the h#ll did those of you past month six last so long? Totally losing my patience with this..
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/28/12 07:09 PM
that's here we are..
Posted By: jlove Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/28/12 07:14 PM
Originally Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky
A couple of new emails from wife today about finances and taxes. I swear, I've had warmer exchanges with a bill collector.

So hear we are just over three months post-bomb. She is still as cold as day one. How in the h#ll did those of you past month six last so long? Totally losing my patience with this..


I here ya Mnky, 3 months and a week for me and same boat, cold as ice! Doubting I even want to make it much longer right now...6 months+ seems like a pipe dream!
Posted By: Rick1963 Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/28/12 07:19 PM
Mnky I am going on almost 8 months. I can add on top of the 8 months the previous 2 years where she became distant. People tell me that that is a drop in the bucket. So you wait until you say no more. But no more of what? That is my question.
Posted By: jlove Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/28/12 07:22 PM
Wow, that's not gonna happen in my case. When I graduate from my training if we aren't piecing I'm gonna bail. I will at least know that I gave it my all at that point. I guess that will be a year or so into this madness. For my own sanity I cannot take much more. You guys are better than me.
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/28/12 07:33 PM
Wow....

You take as much as you can take...

Grmpy and Rick...you know you won't get any sympathy from me just yet....

: )

J....If you are willing to put a timeline of affairs of the heart, you might as well give up now...

Anyone can do the "better"

Takes a special breed to get through the "worse"
Posted By: jlove Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/28/12 07:40 PM
Originally Posted By: Mach1
Wow....

You take as much as you can take...

Grmpy and Rick...you know you won't get any sympathy from me just yet....

: )

J....If you are willing to put a timeline of affairs of the heart, you might as well give up now...

Anyone can do the "better"

Takes a special breed to get through the "worse"






maybe, feeling like that lately. Hard being sober for the first time in 25 years, in the shape of my life and nobody to share it all with partner wise. At least something good happened out of this! Don't really have a timeline, but i'll need to see progress which I get little of now.
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/28/12 07:41 PM
Originally Posted By: jlove
but i'll need to see progress which I get little of now.


Progress in what ????
Posted By: jlove Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/28/12 07:44 PM
Originally Posted By: Mach1
Originally Posted By: jlove
but i'll need to see progress which I get little of now.


Progress in what ????



Our relationship. Perhaps dealing with the issues she has with us. MC, etc.
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/28/12 07:50 PM
Originally Posted By: jlove

Our relationship. Perhaps dealing with the issues she has with us. MC, etc.


When does SHE get to work on her own issues ?

When do you ???
Posted By: jlove Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/28/12 08:02 PM
Originally Posted By: Mach1
Originally Posted By: jlove

Our relationship. Perhaps dealing with the issues she has with us. MC, etc.


When does SHE get to work on her own issues ?

When do you ???



Whenever she wants to, but she doesn't believe in therapy or have any desire to go or deal with her issues according to her. She says she understands she needs to make herself happy, but cannot see being happy in M with me.

I am working on my issues, and still have a ways to go. Long way honestly. So, I trying just to get healthy myself and go from there, wherever there ends up being. I am tempted by the devil like anyone else and have to avoid my own temptations.
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/28/12 08:09 PM
Since ya'll are in the same place.....

Let me paint this for you.

If I were to ask you to walk from NYC to LA, each of you would probably tell me to F off. An I would agree with you.

If I were to promise each of you a better, restored marriage when you got to LA, every one of you would sign up for that walk....

Right ???

How many would make it ???

And if I told you that there was only a small chance, that if you made the walk , that you would reap the benefits of a better marriage...

How many then ???

How many have what is inside, to actually SEE if they could make it, on miniscule chances ???

If there was a one in ten chance, would you take it ?

If there was a one in a thousand chance, would you take it ?

Would you burn everything you had, to be the one in that equation ?

For most people, they would focus on the destination, and feel failure at almost every step. Feeling that failure would lead them to drop out of the journey.

If you look down the road, you will fail yourself.....

However, if you were to look at your feet, and think about one step at a time, instead of the destination, how many could go much farther than what you think you can ???

This journey the LBS is on, is much similar. We have an unknown destination, that MAY lead us back to our spouse, it may not. The road isn't always clear, and the markers are non-existent.

It is our faith that leads us daily, sometimes hourly, sometimes by the minute......

What we focus on, is where our mind goes.

Are you looking at LA ???

Or are you looking at your feet in Jersey ???
Posted By: Broken74 Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/28/12 08:21 PM
Grmpy and jlove, I am right there with you guys, it is so tough... And I read on these board how others have went on for 10 times as long as I've been in my sitch and can't comprehend it.

And then Mach1 swoops in and puts a perfect spin on the situation... Thank you for that sir I needed it today. I have a number of your posts printed out for when times get tough and I appreciate the thoughts that you and everybody else share out here.
Posted By: jlove Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/28/12 08:33 PM
Originally Posted By: Mach1
Since ya'll are in the same place.....

Let me paint this for you.

If I were to ask you to walk from NYC to LA, each of you would probably tell me to F off. An I would agree with you.

If I were to promise each of you a better, restored marriage when you got to LA, every one of you would sign up for that walk....

Right ???

How many would make it ???

And if I told you that there was only a small chance, that if you made the walk , that you would reap the benefits of a better marriage...

How many then ???

How many have what is inside, to actually SEE if they could make it, on miniscule chances ???

If there was a one in ten chance, would you take it ?

If there was a one in a thousand chance, would you take it ?

Would you burn everything you had, to be the one in that equation ?

For most people, they would focus on the destination, and feel failure at almost every step. Feeling that failure would lead them to drop out of the journey.

If you look down the road, you will fail yourself.....

However, if you were to look at your feet, and think about one step at a time, instead of the destination, how many could go much farther than what you think you can ???

This journey the LBS is on, is much similar. We have an unknown destination, that MAY lead us back to our spouse, it may not. The road isn't always clear, and the markers are non-existent.

It is our faith that leads us daily, sometimes hourly, sometimes by the minute......

What we focus on, is where our mind goes.

Are you looking at LA ???

Or are you looking at your feet in Jersey ???


good perspective and thank you for this on this tough day! I work out and do my AA one step/day at a time and my W says she is taking our R one day at a time, so I will put left foot forward and head to LA.
I would make the trek if there was a shot, so I guess I need to keep this in mind....J
Posted By: RoRoinMD Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/28/12 08:55 PM
Originally Posted By: Mach1
If I were to ask you to walk from NYC to LA, each of you would probably tell me to F off. An I would agree with you.

If I were to promise each of you a better, restored marriage when you got to LA, every one of you would sign up for that walk....

It is our faith that leads us daily, sometimes hourly, sometimes by the minute......

What we focus on, is where our mind goes.

Are you looking at LA ???

Or are you looking at your feet in Jersey ???


WHOA! I needed that today! Thanks Mach!
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/29/12 03:04 PM
Ya know when I see the "oldtimers" here extoll the virtues and necessity of patience, I am like pfftt...whatever - can't beleive you schmucks have hung on for so long. Why don't you just get back out there? Afterall, its just a girl/guy and he/she can be replaced.

Well I'm here to say go ahead and give that shot and see where it gets you. It's just not that simple. As painful as it sometimes is, patience and introspection are absolute requisites. Beyond any doubt, mastering the former is the hardest journey I have ever embarked upon.

Waking-up each morning and getting past that first several seconds of "sh!t she is gone" is still extremely painful. I can make it through my days without giving the sitch much thought. It's just when things slow down, especially at night that I begin to let my convictions wane. Oh well, enough b"tching for today.

BTW- thanks guys for your input. Except for you Mach....kidding!;)
Posted By: labug Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/29/12 03:09 PM
We have to work thru this sh!t sometime in our lives or we'll be right back in the same boat, wondering what the he!! happened.

Right now is as good a time as any, I s'pose.
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/29/12 03:10 PM
Hmm. That post got me to thinking about epic journies. For the geeks out there - So in Lord of the Rings Froto has to take the ring over to Mt. Doom. What does he do? Well, he gets a whole bunch of his friends killed, not to mention whoreds of those poor orks, and causes mischeif and strife all along the way. To make things worse he cries and moans all along the way about how tired he is. His buddy Sam and the others are doing all the work.
Why did he not just hop an the back of one of those giant eagles, fly over to Mt. Doom and drop the ring in the fire?
So simple...can't stand that guy.

Looking for a parellel here?
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/29/12 03:17 PM
^^^^

Monkey just had a Geek-gasm...
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/29/12 03:19 PM
Guess I need a nap now.
Posted By: labug Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/29/12 03:20 PM
Not being a LOTR fan, you pretty much lost me. I guess you'll have to spell out the parallels for me, maybe in Star Wars speak...
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/29/12 03:27 PM
Bug, I'll work on that. Afterall, Luke sure was a whiney B. grin
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/29/12 03:29 PM
^^^I think I see an opportunity for a solid twelve hours of GAL for the bug.
Posted By: rickb89 Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/29/12 04:22 PM
Originally Posted By: Mach1
Since ya'll are in the same place.....

Let me paint this for you.

If I were to ask you to walk from NYC to LA, each of you would probably tell me to F off. An I would agree with you.

If I were to promise each of you a better, restored marriage when you got to LA, every one of you would sign up for that walk....

Right ???

How many would make it ???

And if I told you that there was only a small chance, that if you made the walk , that you would reap the benefits of a better marriage...

How many then ???

How many have what is inside, to actually SEE if they could make it, on miniscule chances ???

If there was a one in ten chance, would you take it ?

If there was a one in a thousand chance, would you take it ?

Would you burn everything you had, to be the one in that equation ?

For most people, they would focus on the destination, and feel failure at almost every step. Feeling that failure would lead them to drop out of the journey.

If you look down the road, you will fail yourself.....

However, if you were to look at your feet, and think about one step at a time, instead of the destination, how many could go much farther than what you think you can ???

This journey the LBS is on, is much similar. We have an unknown destination, that MAY lead us back to our spouse, it may not. The road isn't always clear, and the markers are non-existent.

It is our faith that leads us daily, sometimes hourly, sometimes by the minute......

What we focus on, is where our mind goes.

Are you looking at LA ???

Or are you looking at your feet in Jersey ???


Jesus...that helps! Master Khan - I can't say enough how much you are helping people. Thank you.
Posted By: imthemom Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/29/12 04:32 PM
just had to post and tell you guys (lb, grmpy, mach..) I read your post alot and, most of the time, they make me LOL!!...this being on of them. thanks for the laughs when I really need them..:)
and Mach...that was pretty deep reading for so early in the morning..:)
Posted By: BFloat Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/29/12 04:40 PM
In the apocalypse.. I would grab one of those big shopping carts from costco.. Throw the kids in it.. Then start walking. wink

bug - you have not seen LOTR? Maybe good to watch with your son!

One ring to rule them all.. Sort of like a wedding ring?
Posted By: rickb89 Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/29/12 04:43 PM
Monkster - you need to go to Purg's thread "If you like Pina Colada's" and find the link there! Trust me on this one!

BTW, Monkchip - I am walking to LA from Jersey just like you are. I started the journey a year ago and its been a ballbuster the whole way. Nonetheless, its the best thing I've ever done for myself and even my W.
Posted By: labug Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/29/12 04:52 PM
Can we take a break in Vegas, baby, Vegas?
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/29/12 05:27 PM
Such a long a$$ walk. I'm gonna whine all the way just like Froto. Must stop in Vegas! Never been. Maybe we all need a meet up lol..
Posted By: rickb89 Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/29/12 05:53 PM
Originally Posted By: labug
Can we take a break in Vegas, baby, Vegas?


You mean to take a break like in Hangover? Okay, I'm in.
Posted By: rickb89 Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/29/12 06:58 PM
Thought you might like to know one of your brothers, Davey Jones of The Monkees, has passed away.
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 02/29/12 07:47 PM
Yeah just saw that. Poor little guy never became a "silver back". frown
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 03/01/12 02:39 AM
Hey mom - I'm compelled to keep it light most of the time. Some days I get on the boards and while theraputic, it sometimes brings me down to see everbody hurting. Got to go with the levity.
Posted By: rickb89 Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 03/01/12 03:08 AM
Your humor is much appreciated by all, and it is therapuetic
Posted By: BFloat Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 03/01/12 03:10 AM
^^^^^ agreed!
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 03/01/12 05:27 PM
Thanks

So this afternoon I am leaving work early to go see my shrink over in Jackson. I emailed the wife to let her know that I was going to swing by the house to grab my summer uniforms. I added that she might want to put some clothes on (she is working from home today) just to lighten the interaction. She jus sent back a short - "thanks for letting me know."

First contact in a long time today. I'm really dreading going by that place because I always leave as a ball of emotions. Its still "my" house and I wish it was not such a big deal to go over there. This is friggin silly.
Posted By: rickb89 Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 03/01/12 06:06 PM
G-monk. I know that must be so tough. Its' not silly at all. Just accept the emotions, let them run through you and know that in a while you can take them out and look at them. Step by step my friend. We need to forget about linear time for a long while I suspect.
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 03/02/12 02:56 PM
Well yesterday was "different". I think I'm finally starting to see a crack in the wall. Now I am preparing myself for the backlash from the W.

She was actually rather engaging yesterday. I was only at the house for about 15 mins. Again, I got the "you are so happy". "This proves that we were not good for each other".
My repsonse: No, it proves that I needed this to happen so I could make the changes that I needed to be happy. I am indeed the happiest I have been in many years. This is not because I am away from you, but rather, I found myself again.

Wife: "I do not beleive your changes are permanent".
Me: I'm sorry you feel that way. Look, I will be happy and forever grateful if we get another shot at our M. If we don't, I will still be happy and grateful for the time we had.

She texted me a couple times out of the blue last night too. It was financial stuff, but still - a big difference.
Posted By: ces67 Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 03/02/12 03:01 PM
Good stuff. Laid it out plain and simple as a response and moved on!

Keep it up and keep believing this statement:

"Look, I will be happy and forever grateful if we get another shot at our M. If we don't, I will still be happy and grateful for the time we had."
Posted By: labug Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 03/02/12 03:03 PM
Originally Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky
Well yesterday was "different". I think I'm finally starting to see a crack in the wall. Now I am preparing myself for the backlash from the W.

She was actually rather engaging yesterday. I was only at the house for about 15 mins. Again, I got the "you are so happy". "This proves that we were not good for each other".
My repsonse: No, it proves that I needed this to happen so I could make the changes that I needed to be happy. I am indeed the happiest I have been in many years. This is not because I am away from you, but rather, I found myself again.

Wife: "I do not beleive your changes are permanent".
Me: I'm sorry you feel that way. Look, I will be happy and forever grateful if we get another shot at our M. If we don't, I will still be happy and grateful for the time we had.

She texted me a couple times out of the blue last night too. It was financial stuff, but still - a big difference.


Wow, just wow! That's going in my DB Words of Wisdom file. I need to memorize it.

(((gm)))
Posted By: 2thepoint Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 03/02/12 03:05 PM
Keep pulling away and you will find her drawing nearer to you...

Watch, you'll see!
Posted By: Rick1963 Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 03/02/12 03:20 PM
Good job monkey. Keeper at it bri.
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 03/02/12 04:28 PM
Thanks everbody. I hope it gave her pause to reflect on the good stuff. I guess the zerbit I blew on the dog's belly impressed her. Lol

For those of you newer than I: listen to the "Illuminati". They know what they are taliking about...
Posted By: labug Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 03/02/12 04:38 PM
Originally Posted By: Rick1963
Good job monkey. Keeper at it bri.


Keep at it bri!?!?!?

Those speedos must be puttin' pressure on your brain.
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 03/02/12 04:39 PM
Good job handling your "Monkey" business....

Just one question though....

Did you mean that ? or did you say that to get her attention ???
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 03/02/12 04:43 PM
must be posting mobile. Is he gonna change over to green speedos for March? Oh, and don't forget the little green bowler hat to go with it!
Posted By: BFloat Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 03/02/12 04:45 PM
La - lol! I wondered if bri was supposed to be bro.. Maybe some sort of secret monkey language..

Maybe the intrigue of your happiness is making her wonder what's going on. Although the txt was just financial.. You gotta start somewhere! smile
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 03/02/12 04:46 PM
Actually, I was hoping to get some action.

Nah, I did mean it. I'm in a pretty god place right now. My internal dialogue does back slide from time to time. However, never to the point that my happiness is contingent upon my relationship with my W. Two months ago, well that was a different story wink
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 03/02/12 04:48 PM
BTW - of course I said it to get her attention, but I meant it! When we see each other every month or so I've come to a point where I choose my words very carefully with her.
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 03/02/12 04:49 PM
Originally Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky
Actually, I was hoping to get some action.

Nah, I did mean it. I'm in a pretty god place right now. My internal dialogue does back slide from time to time. However, never to the point that my happiness is contingent upon my relationship with my W. Two months ago, well that was a different story wink


And the survey says......

PING !!!

The number one answer...

The Monkey family gets to play this round



(Although I'm not real certain what a "god" place is...)
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 03/02/12 04:51 PM
Good. I gues I need to type that a 1000 times for practice?
Posted By: purgatory Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 03/02/12 04:55 PM
Mnky gets a gold star!! And he was genuine- that's a bonus!!

BF is right about the texts- she can't just text you to chat b/c she might think you'll get the wrong idea. But he wanted to reach out to you, and finances are a safe topic for her.

She flat out told you that she doesn't believe the changes are permanent- now you know what she's looking for.

Keep it up, and she'll start to be more intrigued.
Posted By: labug Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 03/02/12 05:09 PM
Originally Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky
BTW - of course I said it to get her attention, but I meant it! When we see each other every month or so I've come to a point where I choose my words very carefully with her.


Doing the Happy Monkey dance!
Posted By: BFloat Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 03/02/12 05:17 PM
I guess you'll have to type gues a 1000 times for practice too! Wow! Great GAL activity!
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 03/02/12 05:20 PM
Originally Posted By: barely floating
I guess you'll have to type gues a 1000 times for practice too! Wow! Great GAL activity!



LMAO....

How is that opposable thumb thing workin for ya ????
Posted By: labug Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 03/02/12 05:23 PM
Originally Posted By: barely floating
I guess you'll have to type gues a 1000 times for practice too! Wow! Great GAL activity!


bf being brutal this morning!
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 03/02/12 05:30 PM
GUESS i'm going to type all my posts in WORD first.;)
Just re-read them and re-read them like 50 times before posting!! That's what I do!! LOL!! That's a little extra GAL time too!! smile
Posted By: rickb89 Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 03/02/12 06:22 PM
Originally Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky
Thanks everbody. I hope it gave her pause to reflect on the good stuff. I guess the zerbit I blew on the dog's belly impressed her. Lol

For those of you newer than I: listen to the "Illuminati". They know what they are taliking about...


Monkman - I am so happy for you. Hearing this really made my day, and I'm sure you must be so glad to see that time indeed can help. Remember we were talking about that, how you were so early into your sitch that given time it may change? I think that's the case here, DB principals in action.

Illuminati huh? Didn't know you were a fellow conspiracy theorist!

Great job Monkster. Keep on keeping on.
Posted By: rickb89 Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 03/02/12 06:27 PM
Originally Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky
Good. I gues I need to type that a 1000 times for practice?


What was that saying? If a 1000 monkeys typed at a thousand keyboards for 1000 days...one of them would turn out a best seller...I don't know...it was something like that!
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 03/02/12 07:16 PM
^^^so not true, and I had to clean up afterwards.
Posted By: 2chiquitos Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 03/03/12 06:39 PM
Originally Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky

Wife: "I do not beleive your changes are permanent".
Me: I'm sorry you feel that way. Look, I will be happy and forever grateful if we get another shot at our M. If we don't, I will still be happy and grateful for the time we had.


I know I'm responding late but this was so well said!! BRAVO
Posted By: rickb89 Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 03/04/12 11:23 PM
GMonk - any more contact w/ W? Hope you're well.
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 03/05/12 01:38 AM
Hey Rick. She emailed yesterday about our cell bill. Thats it. I guess it may have been a fluke?

I did text her today: "WINTER IS COMING...well next month anyways" We are both hug Ice and Fire fans and Game of Thrones returns to HBO next month.
Posted By: rickb89 Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 03/05/12 01:41 AM
My sons r huge G.O.T. fans and read all five books. I have to see this show...dont have HBO
Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 - 03/05/12 01:57 AM
This is the Old Thread...Kill it!;)
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