Wife and I have been separated for about 7 months. She sais she has fallen out of love with me, but still loves me. We have an awesome 6 year old boy. We still live together, but in separate rooms. I have been talking to Chuck, and he sais I am doing better than I think. Need convincing of that. My wife is also having an affair. Anyone out there that has been thru this for some advice?
Been there sone that. Need more info from you. What are her complaints? Ages? How long have you been together? The more info you give the more help you will receive.
This is generally not a quick process, it took time to get here and it will take time to get out, so patience is key.
Hopefully someone who is not on a phone can post the 37note rules here for you. Print them. Read them. Learn them. Live them.
For now Breathe, Learn, Move On. Sloooowly
Ask and you shall receive
Here are the 37 rules that he ^^^^^ referred to. They are credited to Sandi2 (a success story on our boards.) Keep posting often here and visit other's threads- you never know what you might find that will help you cope. As far as affairs- MrMr is in the think of one (sorry Michael), 2thepoint has dealt with one as well- and there are a lot of others that are dealing with OM and OW (myself included).
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
The best thing you can do is give her space and time. And take this time to work on yourself and GAL. Let her see the new you.
And don't worry, she will see the new you. She may not say anything at first because she will be unsure of your changes. So be consistent.
My walked out 7 months ago and said that he did not love me anymore. And now, we are working on piecing back together. He saw my changes and told me that he liked what he saw, but did not trust me. I asked for him to take that leap of faith with me. And he is. So far, so good.
When he was around me, I tried to act upbeat and fun. It is hard but what choice do you have. He also noticed my GAL and started to question me about it. Curiosity. And that's when he started coming back to me.
I am 42 and she is 34. We have been married 9 years and dated 6 years. She sais she fell out of love with me.She is not physically attracted to me anymore, but she still loves me, like a brother.She would complain that I wasn't romantic enough the past few years. I now reailze I was depressed then. I was on medication, but now I have stopped them.I did neglect her.When she first brought up separating,7 months ago, I lost it. I got real emotional, now knowing I shouldn't have. I am more laid back now, not chasing her, but it is also killing me inside.i moved out for 3 months, to give her space, then moved back in, upstairs.Some days, she is hot and others cold to me. Getting real confused.
Make sure you get a copy of DB or DR- mine has highlights and notations all though out it... and each time I read it, I find a new perspective based on things that have developed in my sitch.
When you feel like you're going to loose it, or that you want to say something to her, come here first. Tell us. Vent it out and usually that takes care of your need to say anything... but if not, than at least you will get some sound, rational advice before taking any action that may hurt more than help. Our general rule is to wait 24 hours before saying/doing anything to your WAS- this way you have a chance to get out of the emotional brain and *act* rationally, instead of *re-acting* emotionally.
Head over to the "Affairs" forum and read some of their stories, you might find some helpful advice. I wouldn't post on that forum, there are more people watching and posting in this forum so you'll get more advice here. Post often so we can follow and help you out when the confusion arrises.
The following is an overview of the process, think about what it says and how it applies to you and your sitch.
Step Number 1: Start with a Beginner’s Mind
Although age and experience can bring wisdom in some areas of our lives, it can also bring narrow-mindedness and shortsightedness – we no longer question our assumptions and beliefs. We get set in our ways. For any recovery, it is essential that, before you do anything else, you empty your minds of what you think you know about doing marriage right. You don’t, so start fresh.
Step Number 2: Know What You Want
Specific goals contain seeds for solution. Writing out your goals makes them more real and offers a baseline to which you can refer to in the days to come. Begin by listing 2 or 3 things you’d like to change or improve about your marriage. Make sure that you list what you want in your marriage, not what’s missing. Think action – describe specific actions people will take to improve things. Think small – each goal should be able to be accomplished within a week or two.
Step Number 3: Ask for What You Want
Share your thoughts with your spouse. If you think you’ve done this already, realize that when most people feel like they’re requesting change, they’re usually complaining, which is often met with resistance. Consider the timing – make sure they’re approachable – and ask in a constructive way.
*Note – there might be so much tension between you that your spouse isn’t about to do anything you ask. If this is the case, don’t ask anything right now – fast forward to Step Number 4.
Step Number 4: Stop Going Down Cheeseless Tunnels
When we’re unhappy in our marriages, we try something to fix it. If it works, great. If not, instead of trying something different, we simply keep doing more of the same, and become more emphatic about it. This will not only fail to eliminate the problems in your life, but you will actually make it worse - the very thing you do to solve a problem is what’s actually prompting your partner to persist and escalate the annoying behavior. Many people see improvements in their marriage simply by committing to stop doing what hasn’t been working.
Step Number 5: Experiment and Monitor Results
Improving your marriage is a trial and error process – you experiment and watch the results. In order to become better at noticing how your approach to things creates change in your partner, keep a Solution Journal – write down the challenging situation, how you handled it (solution- oriented approach), your partner’s immediate reaction and their reaction several days later. Remember to stop going down Cheeseless Tunnels and continue only what works.
Step Number 6: Take Stock
On a scale of 1 to 10, state where your marriage was prior to starting the program, then do the same for where you are right now. Determine whether you are satisfied with your progression, or if you are not. If not, list one or two things you could do or that could happen that would bring your marriage up a half step on the scale (ie. 4.5 to 5). Remember that no marriage is ever perfect, and change can sometimes take longer than you’d like.
Step Number 7: Keeping the Positive Changes Going
If you want to stay in love with your spouse, you have to continue doing loving things every day – you never get to the point where you can stop being thoughtful about how you treat your spouse. Realize that everyone gets off track from time to time – conflict is inevitable. But what separates the winners from the losers in this game of life isn’t the amount of failure people experience. It’s the way in which winners handle the failure – pick yourself up, dust off and get back on track.
taken from:
Episode “Divorce Remedy: Marital Satisfaction Guaranteed” Adapted from Michele’s book - The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage
By Dr. Dave Currie and Christie Rayburn
I'm getting really fustrated w waw. She hasn't worn her wedding ring in 3 weeks, which I am fine with. She was taking it off on accasion before. What gets me is that she didnt wear it to a family cook out, where she has before. I feel like she has no respect for me by doing this in front of her family. I am going crazy over this. Anyone with some advice?
So, the day other day I told wife I was going to take our son to the circus. She said she would want to come also, because I took him to his first basketball game a month ago, and she said she missed out on that, and doesnt want to miss out on taking him to the circus. The day after the circus, we were alone for about an hour, she brings up when we were going to talk. She still wants to move forward and talk who would buy the house, and that we can work out how many days each of us would have our son. She sais we are great co-parents, but there is nothing between us. All she could say is that she was "sorry". I played it cool and told her that this is what she wants so she has to make the move on the next process. I told her that she had done what she wanted to do, push me away so that I dont care anymore. Well, not true. Its still killing me and want to work it out. Is there anyone that has been in this type of situation. I am not giving up.
Kenva, I'm glad you found your way here and hope you'll stick with us b/c you'll get a great support group.
I'm short on time right now, but to answer your question about others being in this type of stitch, I think almost every man here has gone through what you're experiencing (to some degree). Read other threads to gain insight.
Post every day to help build up your support group.
We often make statements out of anger or hurt, only to regret it later.
Do not talk about the marriage or ask her what her plans are right now. Do not reveal what you plan to do or not do. Get out and find somewhere to go, even if it's just to get ice cream, she doesn't have to know the details (mystery).
You need to be making plans for the weekend now. Always have something in mind to do.
Its been 5 days and she hasn't brought up our relationship or what we talked about on Sun.Curious, what's going on in her head?
I don't think you're actually reading what others are posting to you. There are no short answers or shortcuts through this.
Is your W still seeing the OM?
Hi kenva, our sitch's have similarities albeit mine is much more drama filled. I don't feel experienced enough to give advice here very often, but your question is pretty direct. You will never know what's going on in her head, and it is quite possible that if you could you would not want to know. This is termed mind reading and something you want to avoid for your own sanity, you can't read into her thoughts or actions. My W had an affair as well and trust me in that I know this from experience and it accomplishes nothing.
Follow the 37 rules, GAL and work on yourself, only time will tell how it is going to play out. Good luck to you my friend, we are in the same boat...
Yep quit mind reading. Watch her actions instead, and then take them at face value. Do not over analyze.
One piece of unconventional advice I give guys is this:
Pretend you and W are already divorced, and you are ready to date again. What type of qualities, attributes, talents, physical looks, lifestyle, etc would you deem important to attract and KEEP the woman of your dreams?
Develop these traits as much as you can, odds are your W will notice and find herself drawn to you again.
Well this morning she asked for our tax returns for the last 3 years. I gave them to her like I was giving her the mail.I guess she is moving forward with seeing if she can refinance the house on her own. I think she is still seeing the OM. She is still hot and cold to me. I still brew her coffee for her in the morning and make dinners at night. Every once in a while I get a compliment on what I made, when it's something out of the ordinary.My son on Sat spent the night at my inlaws, which we get along great,and are behind me 110%, asked his grama if she and granpa sleep in the same bed together. He knows that wife and I sleep in separate rooms.Don't know if I am rambling here, but I just needed to get it out. Today is very difficult for me, but I am trying to get it out before the end of the day when we are all home together.
Just letting you know kenva, usually D lawyers ask for tax returns for the last 3 years they start to fil out financial liabilities paperwork.
That would be a surprise to me, because she asked me if we wanted to use lawyers or get a mediator. She was pushing for mediator.The only thing she keeps bringing up is who would take the house. Really confused and scared.
Once again you're mind reading. One day one conversation at a time. What she says today for better or worse will most likely be different tomorrow.
She most likely doesnt know either.
Yesterday the W asked if I was going to a club meeting at church on Wed. I used to go to them every month before our son was born.I said, didn't know yet. Today, instead of calling her, I texted her, since she is all into texting lately and to whom, I don't know, telling her I can pick up our son from school, which I do everyday, but have to leave at 5 to go to meeting. Even if meeting is done early, I'm going out for a drink with one of my buddy's there, who knows what is going on with us.Even after our conversation on Sun and her saying she is going to try to refinance on her own, the house, I still am chippery around her, tell her good night, good morning, and tell her to have a good day when I leave for work in the morning. But still hurting.
I'm sure her mind is racing just as much as yours, trying to make sure what she is doing is right. Even if she's currently sure that a D is the right answer, it still has to be tough.
I've just started the 180 process and I know that I'm going to feel much worse before I'll get better. But sitting around and analyzing what she's thinking is just going to drive you crazy. Be the person you want to be, so that you'll be happy no matter what and know that you did all that you could. Keep busy and try not to think too much!
Do you have a plan of action? It sounds to me that you are standing back, scared to death, and waiting on her to see what's going to take place next.
Women like men who can take charge, know what they (the man) wants, have goals in life, the leader in his family.....but most of all over his personal life.
Make some goals and break them down. Share them with us and we'll try to help you with a plan.
She has you curious about what's going on in her head, and it should be the other way around. Take a look at some 180's.
Just popping in to say I was a WAW (now I think I'm a LBS)anyway I didn't start missing him until he had GAL, stopped telling me his plans/checking in with me, being there. I think you should stop making her coffee stop acting like her brother.
I felt like he was still there for me minus the relationship. But I had all the stuff from a relationship I wanted plus all the freedom I wanted to.
It was when he GAL and wasn't there for me. I wasn't the centre of his life. Our house was just his houseshare not a home.
The more you detach the more she has to face the reality of life without you.
If you couple that with becoming stronger, more confident, interesting (ie have hobbies) then you'll make her reconsider I think.
I did at least but it was possibly too late. His GAL included meeting someone.
Good luck but like everyone says it won't happen overnight. It took me MONTHS to realize that I wanted another chance.
Yes I'm going through almost the same experience. My W and I just had our 9th anniversary yesterday...it was terrible because she is moving to an apartment at the end of this week...we spent the evening working on our joint custody agreement. I know a lot of men on this site have had very similar experiences. Why WAWs choose "special" times to cut us out of there lives is a mystery...may be to delete all good feelings for us? Don't know.
The DR is an excellent book (better then DB in my opinion)...I'm following the last resort technique - stay positive and pleasant, do not pursue/plead/beg in any way, if she plans on separating help her pack and move, be her friend not her husband/lover anymore (have faith that this will return but for now it is dormant if not dead and you need to wrap your mind around this), write up a joint custody agreement if that's what she wants, don't let yourself get angry with your W (find a place to vent/cry AWAY from W), and most importantly GAL find peace and love for yourself and self respect...because even if your marriage is over (worst case scenario here) your ego will be intact and this will positively influence your life but more importantly how you parent your child. Your son is the real victim here...be positive, caring, loving for him. Stay out of conflict with your W and work on the best parenting environment you can...this will really minimize deleterious effects on your son IF you get divorced.
Special times are just a reminder of how bad things are in their minds when everything should be good. So WAW's lash out extra hard during this time. I read somewhere that websites that cater to affairs get their biggest number of registrations from women looking to cheat the day after Valentin's day and the day after mothers day.
It's all the expectations that cannot be met.
Trust me GAL is key, she needs to see what life is without you.
I have been working on GAL. I have gone out on a Sat night with friends, I have gone out for a few hours just for ice cream, not telling her where and with whom. My business has picked up, which she has noticed, I pay more of the bills now than before.I plan things on the weekend with our son, inviting her, and sometimes she comes along.She has regretted a couple of times that our son and I had plans and she couldn't tag along.I am working out and, look pretty dam good, since I was in my 20's.I have a smile on my face everyday telling her to have a good day when I leave and good night at bed time.One of the toughest things is when she has plans and goes off, not knowing where or with whom she is with, or when she tells me, if I believe her.I am trying to stick to my guns on GAL.Mothers day will be kind of tough.
Wow it sounds like you're doing fantastic! I'm really proud of you! Stick with doing those independent things and feeling good about yourself.
Keep us updated!
Wife made plans to go to beach house w her sister, leaving son and I Fri and Sat night. We have plans to go to a carnival.She said she would be back Sun to be with her mom,take her to lunch and then they go to the carnival, taking our son also.She doesn't want to be with me in public, even thou we still eat dinner together every night. My mother inlaw is furious with her that I am not invited on Sun.She said if I wanted to go out Sat night, she would come back home to be w our son so I could.Told her didn't know what I was going to do. Well,tonight, Fri. I am going to take our son to inlaws to spend the night, knowing wife will find out, and I didn't tell her.I think also, my inlaws are going to hang out with me and son at carnival Sat, without wife.Another thing wife will find out about. Not using my inlaws like that, in a bad way,I enjoy being around them and they love me. They hate what their daughter is doing to me, our relationship, and our son.
I knew this weekend was going to be tough.
Not using my inlaws like that, in a bad way,I enjoy being around them and they love me. They hate what their daughter is doing to me, our relationship, and our son.
Question for you....
What do you see coming from this, that is good ????
Ask yourself would you be making the same choices on how to spend your time if she never found out?
The good thing i guess, is that I have their support, which makes me feel like, ok, Im not a bad person. I have been out before and she has never known where I was. She never would ask, and I dont offer her any info.
I guess I just worry that this won't get you where you want to go. I know when I was a WAW if one of my family members even slightly said "is there no chance ?" I would get really angry and feel like everyone was piling up against me. It's not logical or rational. Just to say when you're in that frame of mind you're really determined.
I think it's great that you still have a relationship. I love my MIL so much and it's sad that we don't see as much of each other. But I also know that he'd just feel beaten into submission of his family said you really ought to give her another chance.
Agree with Brit
WAW's toss any relationships with people that disagree, and get closer to the people that enable them. You can see evidence of that all over this board. That's why they call it the divorcee club, they get together and get each other drunk and "have fun at the bar until 2 am" to prove to themselves and each other that they made the right decision.
And you know what GB that's what made it SO hard for me when I had that realization that we could/should have saved things...because I felt cut off from anyone that might understand. Everyone was black and white except my sister and when I emailed her she said I am so proud of what you've just emailed me. It takes a mature person to look to reconsider a decision and say I may have been wrong. It comes down to keeping that road home paved clean or whatever.
You aren't a bad person!! You are a wonderful person! I bet your kids think you're the best thing since sliced bread! I know you're questioning everything about yourself and it's easy for your self esteem to feel non existent. My IC gave me a list of things I could do to feel good about myself and build SE. Some seemed silly "strike up a convo with a stranger" but it worked. I asked a market seller about her art when before I'd just kind of look and walk off before they could sell me anything. Stepping out your comfort will work wonders to make you feel better.
(((((HUGS))))
GB and Brit, your info on WAW stone walling are massively insightful. I am wondering if the GAL to breakdown the wall has to be substantially unpredictable, or something previously discussed with WAW but never accomplished?
Hi kenva, you've been quiet...how did Mother's Day weekend go?
Well, she went to north carolina about an hour and a half away to go to the beach, My son and I went to the carnival Fri afternoon and on Sat with my inlaws all day. She called me Sat afternoon, we were still down there, and said she can come home early to be with our son if I wanted to go out. Well, I told her I went out Fri night and took him to my parents house to spend the night. Kinda threw her off there. She came home Sun morning, had plans to go to lunch w her mother and son, and they went back to carnival. When she came home, she was kinda cold.I did notice one night last week, I came home around 10, told her I was going to be late, she had left the light on going upstairs.She had done that a couple of times.Don't know where thats going.It's been about 2 weeks now that she took our taxes to see if she can refinance the house on her own, nothing has been said about it since.I have not worn my wedding ring now for 2 days, to see if she will notice.Anyway, still fustrating, I try to be upbeat around her, and I am making plans for myself this weekend.
I did give her a mothers day card from me and my son one. She said thank you for the cards, and said she really liked the one our son gave her. She knows I picked it out.
Fuzzybear
Not to derail the thread to much but the answer is yes and yes. On the one hand you do want to do those things that you always talked about. It shows that you are changing and may even make her wonder if it was her the one that was holding you back.
You also want to be unpredictable, I think WAW's for all their bravado and stubbornness usually want to believe that should they change their mind they can always come back (no matter how atrocious their behavior). This way they have a safety net, and if their new lifestyle of love doesn't pan out then they can always return. Being dependable ironically gives her the security to venture out and leave.
If you were a pushover to begin with and this made you unattractive it'll just make things worse. So changing it up will let her know that her safety net may be here today, and gone tomorrow. Which puts you in a better position where she to start having second doubts.
Last week, my mother inlaw kind of went off on my wife. She told me, she doesnt know how I can keep all my feelings in about the realtionship and not bring it up to my wife. She said she couldnt hold out. She told her mother for the first time that we were separated ( not legally ).I knew something was eating her up that night because she was really cold to me.Was this a good or bad thing? I did notice over the weekend she cleaned up the house and rearanged the photo closet we have.It has also been 3 weeks since she took our taxes to the mortgage com to see if she qualifies to buy out the house.
There's no way to mind read how she's feeling.
How are you feeling?
I am still fustrated with everything. I am trying to put on a happy face when she is around. Every time my son and I are alone, it hits me real hard. I keep thinking about how this would affect him aswell. She stll has hot and cold days towards me.Now she is planning a weekend trip for the two of them next weekend without me. She ran it by me, and all I said was, I would like to go. She responded, I am getting things together, with the mortgage com ,I dont want to keep torturing you like this.I planned a trip a while back for my son and I, I invited her to come along, and she said no. Well 2 days before the trip, she asked to come along, that things are still the same between us.She didnt want to regret not experiencing Wash DC without him.We got along great that weekend. I am waiting to see if she changes her mind and asks me to come along with them. I am not pushing the issue, just sitting back and waiting.
She won't start looking at you differently until you completely detach and stop pursuing. It's the opposite of what you want. But it's what she's asking for. You can do it.
I saw the question you posted on my (very) old thread about what H did to make me think differently.
I get asked this question a lot because I was the person who ended it and then decided I wanted to work on it.
The longer I'm here I don't think there's any remedy or fix to every sitch. You can try to gain insight by reading what others have gone through but ultimately you have a find a truth inside yourself, that you will heal from this, that you are worthy of love, that the breakdown of you M was not totally your fault but also not none of your fault, so basically you each contributed, you can see your faults but not beat yourself with them, you can see her faults but not have any anger or resentment towards her because of them, you can let her live her life and make her choices without attempting to control or manipulate the sitch and you can love without any expectations of what the outcome may be.
This is what I'm struggling to do. We hope that we can learn to give love better and that by giving love better our WAS can see that we are now a more complete person and they've had the space without guilt to decide what is they want.
A WAS has a lot of guilt and shame and hurt. I detailed how I felt in this post:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2230933&page=11I had blinders on and felt like if we split up, if we D, if we moved on, if we found other people...we'd be happy. I wasn't happy in the M, I wasn't happy outside the M. And then suddenly my passive, needy, depressed, despondent, desperate H, treated me like an equal. He didn't look to me for validation. I now know it was because it got it from somewhere else, but I didn't know that. I had decided I had to end the M because he would never change he was happy like this. Then he became happier...he became more of the person I remember meeting.
He didn't find it from within so it's only temporary. He'll have to still do that work at some point. You find it within, you give her the space she needs to figure herself out, and you become a happier person.
Accuray did a really good job explaining 180s and GAL and why they are important
read after What can you do about this?
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2242428&page=6
Brit
Thank you for that. It has started to make me think a little. I am sure I will read both of them over and over. It is really nice to know that there are others out there like you that dont even know me, offering what you have.I am starting to tear up. Thanks again, and I am not giving up.
AWWWW it's because I spent a lot of time without this board on the side of my house saying I was having a smoke break and sobbing into the bricks. haha and I had no idea that what I was feeling was so common.
Post here often and you'll find more and more people offering you support and encouragement. In a few weeks you'll read someone else's thread and think I remember when I was there. LOL
She will never come back if you are chasing, pursuing, etc. I'm still learning that because we try to tell ourselves over and over that we are not pursuing but we are. We'll wrap it up in excuses and reasons and justify it to ourselves. Distance and space I keep repeating it to myself!
Stay strong.
Not chasing is the hardest part. Every time my W does something that makes me think it is a signal, I am ready to pounce and pursue. Learning to back off.
Example:
For Memorial Day today, I planned on taking our Ds to the beach. I sent her a text that she was welcome to join us (I made sure it was an invitation from US, not ME). She said yes but she would drive herself.
I took this as she would go until the OM was ready then she would leave. But in reality, I think she took the car because she wasn't sure how I was going to be. If I started to smother her or pressured her about working on our marriage, she wanted the ability to leave.
I never once mentioned the OM. I never mentioned where we were in the relationship. We just sat and watched our girls and talked to each other like friends the entire time.
She stayed until we were ready to leave. Then on the way home, she called me to talk about a new job opportunity she was excited about and we talked for 30 mins driving home.
Although I wasn't 100% detached and dark, I didn't push her away today and it was a good day.
Its going to be a tough weekend for me. W is planning on taking S to go out of town for the weekend. When she mentioned it to me last week about them going, all I said to her was, " I would like to go", and ofcourse she responded with," I am getting things straight, I dont want to keep tourchering you like this." She hasn't told me who she was going with,but I find out that she is going w a divorced girlfriend and her kids.It's Thur night and she hasnt brought up going or when they were leaving. I haven't brought it up at all. I left my comment alone about wanting to go. All I feel like doing is putting my fist thru the wall with my fustrations over this.I am playing it cool. Im thinking of inviting some friends over for a cookout on Sat. Dont know yet, trying to keep myself busy. WOW this hurts really BAD.I know deep down inside that this torture is worth me trying to get my wife and family back as one.
I am getting things straight, I dont want to keep tourchering you like this."
She's saying I'm confused. I'm trying to get on my feet emotionally. I know I'm hurting you and I'm sorry and I don't want to do that anymore. And I think spending time with you is doing more of that.
That's what my H keeps trying to tell me. LOL
She needs to not feel guilt and blame for your feelings in order to sort out her feelings for you. Does that make sense? It's taken me a few months to figure that out. I felt like he needed to know my pain. But that's emotional blackmail or something.
She knows you want to be with her, you have to detach now.
We have now been separated 10 months. We still eat dinner together. I stopped telling her have a good day when I leave, only saying "See Ya", and the other day, she turns and tells me to have a good day. The other morning when she got up, I was in the study working, I didn't say anything to her like I used to. She started making yawning noises in the other room. Five min went by, I got more coffee and then told her good morning. Pretty obvious she was maybe trying to get my attention. I replaced some pics of us in the room I am sleeping in w other ones.What else can I do to detach myself from her, being in the same house? On her trip for the weekend, I left it alone, telling her last week that I would like to go. Guess she was expecting me to bring it up again, and I didn't.
Hi Kenva,
You are doing great!
I wish I had been able to detach while my W was living here. I think that Brit was right, they need to be able to separate from guilt about our feelings, so that they can sort out their own. While they are guilty, they feel as if their unhappiness is still tied to us and if they were free...
Sounds like your shifts have her attention. Keep shifting though, she could be testing your changes.
As Cadet says, time is your friend, Kenva.
Last night at dinner, W reached over and grabbed my drink to take a sip. - ? - Still warm and cold to me.
So was this a test? Can anyone tell me how to respond to any of her tests.
Stop analyzing everything she does. You won't get an answer. Just take it for what it is and go from there.
W took a picture of us when we were dating, that was on the counter, off and put it in drawer with others. She scolded me last night about having chocolate in the house for our son, for desert. I didn't argue back, I was calm and listened. I know I shouldn't, and I am thinking too much, but wondering if that is what triggered her to put picture away. I got real emotional when I saw that this morning.Can't help it, but seeing that and trying to GAL is really hard.I know that waking up one morning and everything being ok is just a dream, but all I want is for her to realize what she is throwing away, us and our sons normal family life, and for us to work on US. I love her so much it hurts really bad. I know I still have to work hard on GAL. I still pray every night and day, and from seeing how many people are on here, I say a little prayer for everyone else.
"I know I shouldn't, and I am thinking too much, but..."
so, if you know you shouldn't, then don't. as mr. bond said. don't you think he's telling you this to help you? it's not good for your sitch nor is it good for you.
someone else on here talked about "but's". when you have a "but" in your sentence, you really need to think about what you're saying. you're justifying something and usually it's something you should stop doing.
peace to you.
I came home late Fri night, she had left the lights on going upstairs again, going up to my room. Still getting hot and cold feelings from her. I also find out that she has told my sister inlaw that we are separated, going on a year.This is the first person that I know of that she has told that to. Today isn't a good day for me. I'm not into working out today also. This is the worst I have felt in a long time. Going to take a nap, then hopefully work out. I need to be chipery when she gets home.
WOW!!!
The last few weeks I have been going out on the weekends, after our son goes to bed. I would tell W that I am stepping out for a while, coming home around midnight. Since those last couple of weeks, she has become really cold, avoiding me at home, going to her room after dinner, and giving me the death look. She has gone to her family cook out for the 4th, and not including me. We both have birthdays coming up, and have no clue how those will go. Also a bigger cook out with just about all of her family, cousins, uncles, so forth. Seems like I'll be left out of that one too. Just curious how she is going to handle answering where I am that day, since the others don't know we are separated other than her immidiate family. The only time she would say anything to me, is when our son does something wrong, "are you going to fix it?" Sometimes I get to the point where I just want to say, serve me papers, stop the BS, and make it a nasty divorce, because she thinks a divorce will turn out to be fine and dandy.She wants her cake and eat it too. Life isn't fair. When I get like that, I simply walk away, play w our son to get my mind off of it, or smoke a cig. I just don't know how much more I can, or better yet, any human being can take anything like this.
And to top it off, this week is the one year mark she wanted to separate.
Kenva - sounds like it is time to reevaluate where you are and what you want to do. You might want to reread the DR/DB books again and see if there is something different you should be doing.
How have things been going as far as goal achievement is concerned? What are those goals by the way? If you don't have any, you should get some down on paper and start working towards meeting those goals.
A year is a long time but it is by no means a record. Keep standing but think about what needs to be done differently and then do it.
So was this a test? Can anyone tell me how to respond to any of her tests.
she wanted a sip and felt familiar enough to take one. No more than that.
She knows what to say IF she changes her mind and that "Sign" is nothing more than her wanting to taste your drink or soothe her throat.
Back way off. make A LOT of plans for whenever she's gone...you are far too focussed on what SHE is doing/saying.
I'm also guessing she does not qualify for the house.
What does your lawyer say? There is no reason for you NOT to see one just to know your rights. Information is power.
And if you have been m for 9 years and dated 6 years first, you may be the first real r she has had. That's a LONG courtship...
what were you like when she fell in love w/you?
Be that guy again.
Some of my goals were to start excersising and feel good. I did,I do and I look good. I am down 20lbs since this all started a year ago. I have changed my haircut, to a buzz cut. I have given her more space. I spend more time alone with our s. I go out on the weekends till about 1am, sometimes twice.I have come up with different activities to do w our s,which I hope makes her feel left out.
The other day I thanked her for her doing her own thing, after dinner going to her room leaving s and I alone time. Told her it made it easier on me with the situation, not doing things together to give me hope. A week now after that, she has warmed up a little. Not doing things together, but not being as evil as she was before, communicating more at dinner, which is the only time we are near each other.Yesterday, a package from the mortgage com. was delivered and is still sitting on the front door step. I am NOT bringing it in. Waiting to see what she is going to say is in there. DID she qualify or not?
Still, I am living on pins and needles everyday,basically crying myself to sleep, with whatever sleep I still get. I was down when I saw the package,but trying to lift my spirits up and work on DB and win my wife back.
So I told the W I would respect her by giving her her space, she responded, " I figured you would." She also tells me that she is sorry that there is no intimacy with me, just friendship. That she is in limbo now, because she thinks she has been approved to fincance the house on her own, but she is having a hard time getting the mortgage agent to follow up with her. Our son keeps making comments for the three of us to do things together, which we havent been. I would take him out for fun one day of the weekend and she would the next. I have been trying to bring up converstation at dinner, which sometimes she responds w 2 to 3 sentences and other times it carries on for a bit. I am trying to be her friend again. My mother-in-law wants me to flirt with her a little, to show her that I am still interested in her. I have done a few things around the house to show her I still care.
WOW, going on 14 months of separated but still living in the same house. She is still hot/cold and still seeing the OM, which she still doesnt know that I know about him. My kids and I have had outings with members of her family, without her. She was a little anoid when she found out, but her family has opened their homes to me for anything, and disagree with the way she is acting.Knowing that makes me feel really good inside, but not using them to get them on my side to go against wife. DB counsler sais I am doing better than I think, but this is still very hard and fustrating. Dinners together as a family every night, but always doing things apart with kids on the weekends.
We have now been separated 10 months. We still eat dinner together. I stopped telling her have a good day when I leave, only saying "See Ya", and the other day, she turns and tells me to have a good day. The other morning when she got up, I was in the study working, I didn't say anything to her like I used to. She started making yawning noises in the other room. Five min went by, I got more coffee and then told her good morning. Pretty obvious she was maybe trying to get my attention. I replaced some pics of us in the room I am sleeping in w other ones.What else can I do to detach myself from her, being in the same house? On her trip for the weekend, I left it alone, telling her last week that I would like to go. Guess she was expecting me to bring it up again, and I didn't.
kenva,
What you are doing takes a psychological stripping out of you. No matter how you compartamentalize it. I wanted others that have done the same thing to comment whether they were able to live with the WAS and not take any damage.
I didn't start healing till she got out of my space.
I dont't know how to handle this. W this morning tells me she has been approved for a mortgage to take over the house, but isn't final yet without the appraisel, and hasn't set a closing date. She sais we need to talk about this or the lawyers could. I paused and told her that I hope you will be happy with your decision. She sais, " Are you just saying that, or are you really over it?" I responded, " This is what you want." I desperatly set up an appointment with Chuck for tom. WOW, right before Xmas.
Dont know if its a good thing or not, but w is reading DB.
Wife came home from work and looked really good. I told her she looked nice and atleast I got a thanks. Haven't told her that in a while. She's been cold.
Dont know if its a good thing or not, but w is reading DB.
I'm a newbie here but I can't see how this would be a good thing. Like she has your playbook! If it was a diff marrrige saving book maybe. This just seems odd. I found out my wife read " letting go of mr married" or something like that and I drew a little hope from that. The OM was married and my W never read a book in our whole M.
But dealing with this for 14 months my hats off to you. I only lasted 8-10 mo in the same house. Now I kinda wish I would have kept my head down a little longer and fought the good fight while living togethor. I'm working on detaching but the loneliness is killer..
Did she discover it on her own or did she read it because you told her to?
It could be used to your advantage. It could help open a dialogue as to how you got to where you're at. Plus because the book is pro-marriage, it might give her a different perspective.
Someone gave her the book even before I knew about MWD. She had told her mother about the book but this is the first time I noticed that it was moved from the bottom of the pile.
Then assume that she has read it or at least tried to gloss over it. Don't even think about it. Just do what needs to be done from your end. Most of it isn't even a "playbook" it teaches you what usually causes a M to fail, how it can be fixed by fixing yourself and how to make your M thrive.
Where did she get the book?
That I don't know. And I don't know if it would hurt or help me.
Whatever the case may be you don't even know if she read it or if she just moved it to the side. point is that you just need to keep doing what YOU are doing and not worrying about her actions.
I am doing my own thing. I work out I go out on weekends. I do things w our son, without her of course, because she doesn't want to lead me on. What drives me nuts and throws me off track is that I know she is seeing the om, today as a matter of fact. I want to get her back,and I am not trying to confront her about that I know about him. So how and what do I do to keep my sanity and dignity. She has no clue that she is in a fantasy la la land and how much hurt she is putting me thru aswell as both of our families, and the most important one,our son, how an end will affect him. Just looking for anyone out there to help me ease my pain.
Last week I told wife we needed to talk. She hasn't initiated anything even tho she is the one that said we need to sit down and work out how to split everything. A week went by thinking I would hear something from her. Well today I confronted her. I told her that we have two options. One, we get help and try to work on us and our family. Then she quickly said what's the 2nd. I told her, we get lawyers. She sais immediately ,lawyers. " I have no feelings for you." I told her that I figured you would say that but I am telling you this to think about it. Then she sais this isn't fair for either of us. I responded. Yes and not for our son. Did I shake things up by taking lead on bringing it up? I hope so. I really hope she thinks about it long and hard. Any feedback from anyone?
Last week I told wife we needed to talk. She hasn't initiated anything even tho she is the one that said we need to sit down and work out how to split everything. A week went by thinking I would hear something from her. Well today I confronted her. I told her that we have two options. One, we get help and try to work on us and our family. Then she quickly said what's the 2nd. I told her, we get lawyers. She sais immediately ,lawyers. " I have no feelings for you." I told her that I figured you would say that but I am telling you this to think about it. Then she sais this isn't fair for either of us. I responded. Yes and not for our son. Did I shake things up by taking lead on bringing it up? I hope so. I really hope she thinks about it long and hard. Any feedback from anyone?
Pressure. A big no no
I did this to shake things up. It has been stagnant for so long. She also brought up if our family attorney had called me. Supposedly she has an agreement written up for w to refinance the house in her name. I did this and talking w chuck, to show her that I am in control. It's been about her for the past year and a half and I have been on edge and scared w what would come out of her mouth. I am also planning a weekend trip w our son and not including her. This to show her I can do things w out her and have fun. I have also done this a few times in the last 2 months. I am also reading "no more mr nice guy" and see a lot of me. Trying to fix myself make myself happy and show her what she would be missing.
Did Chuck agree with confronting her with the options?
Yes. And I was scared to at first but got the nerve up to tell her. She has always said that we need to talk and its been 3 weeks.
will you be able to stick to your guns if she says to get lawyers?
I don't want it to go that way and she knows it. But if it does then I think I would be ready.
I did this to shake things up. It has been stagnant for so long.
OK, well normally confrontation isn't recommended because it seems to NEVER go the way the LBS wants (and it doesn't sound like it did for you either). But always follow the advice of your DB coach.
It's been about her for the past year and a half and I have been on edge and scared w what would come out of her mouth.
Detaching and GALing remove the focus from her and put it on you. It removes the fear from the situation. It takes you off of her emotional roller coaster.
I am also planning a weekend trip w our son and not including her. This to show her I can do things w out her and have fun.
Don't do it to show her anything, do it because you want to spend the time having fun with your S. I hope that you do want to take trips with your son and enjoy your time together, remember that your S is hurting in this and he needs as much love and reassurance as you can give him.
So I am making dinner ready to serve it and she brings up having the closing on her refinancing the house in her name. I said, we have a lot to talk about. She is under the impression that I am going to sign the house over to her because about 10 months ago she wanted to decide who would take the house and I told her that the house would be too big for me and our son part time that if she wanted to try and see if she could be approved to refinance it. Well we never discussed it any further. Now she is approved and ready to take the house and she wants us to handle this on our own before we bring in the lawyers to handle the rest. She thinks this should be the first step in dissolving our marriage. WRONG. I am not going to do it and if she pushes it then I will pull my wild card out of her having an affair and committing adultry. She said that she is trying to make this not difficult. I responded that you are but that's ok. She didn't bring it up the rest of the night. I did tell her that s and I are leaving Thur and coming back sun. We are going out of town the two if us for his spring break. Looking forward to it and so is he. Trying to stay positive and work on myself but when she throws that at you it knocks u down.
I picked up No More Mr Nice Guy and half way thru it. I see a lot of myself and am trying to make those changes which I hope will help w the 180. I have done some bur need to do more. Anyone read the book for some insight?
She wants me to sign the deed to our house on Friday. She sais this is the first step so we can sign separation papers by may 1. I told her we still need to talk. She thinks everything we discussed about us and the house a year ago still stands. I told her I have changed for the better for myself the past year and am thinking different. I need to talk to either our attorney or someone else. She asked if I could do it by fri. I said, you have kept me in limbo for over a year I don't know if i will be able to talk to anyone by the end of the week. WOW this is getting scary. I kept my cool but inside its killing me. She did say we can sign something giving me time to find a place. So I tell her, I have to start all over.
Kenva,
Sorry you are going through this.
Your reply was good.
DO NOT sign anything w/o first talking to a lawyer. Please know what your rights are and protect yourself!
She can wait. If she gets annoyed that is her problem, not yours.
Good luck.
We talked a little more after son went to bed. She told me atleast four times she doesn't love me that there is nothing there. I told her , I know u can stop telling me. It's like kicking me in the groin. I can't change the way you feel only you. I think she had the feeling that I want to contest a divorce and get out if signing her over the house. She said we can do this the easy way or have a judge tell us what to do. She sais she can prove that we haven't been man and wife for the past year by having some witnesses to prove being separated. All I wanted to throw back in here face was that I have proof if you committing adultery. But I didn't. I stayed calm thru out.
Well. I did it. The day I was dreading to contact an attorney. I have an appointment on Mon. W might be a little ticked off because she wants me to sign the closing papers on fri. She knows I was going to have an attorney look at and said she would have done the same thing. But she wanted me to have one look at it quick for a Fri closing on the house. It's my turn to take lead on this and she can wait.
Just caught up on your sitch Ken and (( ))))
Listen, H and I separated as soon as he said he wasn't happy, hadn't loved me for X amount of years (as we all know, this number changes lol, weekly).
H has a GF, got one almost right away. Has recently changed FB status to "In a Relationship" 'barf'
BUT....I could not have grown, could not have forgiven him and myself, could not truly want for his happiness if he had remained here. Our relationship now is better than it has been for years. If nothing but good friends and parents is the best that comes out of this, I will be okay.
I have nothing but admiration for all of those, like you, who have in home separations. The fact that you can grow and change while spouse is still there is really a testament to the amount of strength you have.
And you do
Thanks inside out. Hearing that helps me keep my head up high.
W comes home after picking s up from school. She asks me if I spoke to and attorney and if I'm ready to sign on Fri. I told her I have an appointment on Mon. She got irate. She didn't know why I couldn't just ask over the phone. She told me to F off and I fn hate you. She said I am doing this on purpose and that I am passive aggressively fighting her. I staid calm thru out the whole thing. 30 min later she comes to me in the kitchen while I am cooking dinner and sais to me, you didn't expect me to react any different did you. She was calm. Telling me she could tell me the same thing the lawyer is going to tell me. The next thing you know is that the three of us are siting at the dinner table like a family. I just have to figure out how and if I am going to tell her that what she told me before,lets roll. Meaning she is ready to fight, that I got her on adultry.
what is your plan after closing on the house and she asks you to move out?
Don't give her any information you may be using against her in a legal battle.
I'm in the middle of one and it can get ugly. Do not sign anything without first consulting with an attorney.
She most likely will throw more temper tantrums and be venomous but keep your cool like you did tonight and do what is best for you and your child.
^^^ Sadly, I agree. Glad you remained calm, good for you!
Hold tight to adultery. I don't know about you, but for me when emotions run high, good or bad, I cannot STFU
But am learning...
* Are there any other books out there that deal with midlife crisis?
Kenva. Please note edit above
So today is the day. I have my appointment w an attorney this morning and one tommorow. Really stressful this past weekend and started to feel some anxiety. I tried calming myself down and kept telling myself over and over, face your fear,face your fear. I need to stand up for myself. I did go out fri night and sun night. Both nights when I got home ,after they were asleep, the light in the hallway going up to my room was on. The one thing I did right before I called to make an appointment w the attorney was a small prayer. I pray every day that this nightmare would go away and she would come back. But I know there is a chance she won't. Today is the day and I need to stand my ground this evening w her when we talk.
Good luck today
How about everyday is a new day, a new chance to have a relationship, whatever it may look like?
How about not to come back, but start fresh?
Feeling I helpless in trying to save marriage and give our son the family life he deserves. I went to my first attorneys appointment came home and told her I would not sign the deed over. She,as I expected got all irate. I stayed calm. We were going back and forth of what we both wanted. She an uncontested divorce and me telling her a new life together w her. Nothing. I get the same from her. There is nothing there,I don't love u, and even, I tried but nothing. She threatened to serve me and have me thrown out. I told her to do what she had to do. We did sit down and eat together the three of us but she made her own dinner from leftovers. Later she took all my clothes out if the master closet and threw them on the bed upstairs where I sleep. Next day I met w another attorney. I came to realize ITS DONE. I can't make her love me which I have told her. But listening to the attorney I am better off negotiating w her instead of fighting and hurting our son even more. She called me when I was in appointment and called her back. She wanted to verify that I was not signing deed over and that we are going to go to court. I told her that I don't want that just out everything in writing that you want. You are in the driver seat. It's been a couple of hours since I met w attorney and realized this is coming to an end. I got home,no one home,and screamed off the top of my lungs. Had a little anxiety attack and almost threw up. I think I have calmed down before writing here. I also made phone appointment w my coach. I still am going to DB but I know I have little time before the end. I know it's not the end but its not the outcome I wanted. I still pray and did today after my episode. I also pray for all of you going thru this. Who ever reads this please say a prayer for me aswell. It is in Gods hands from here.
You got it (((Ken))).
Keep coming and posting, we will be around for you
We can't make people love us, you are right. That is why it is so sweet when it comes around.
Thank you inside out. Didn't feel like going back to work so I'm just laying here. Trying to take a nap but can't and trying to figure out how to act tonight. What gets me us that she that is committing adultery is getting what she wants. Freedom from me. Not fair,but life isn't fair sometimes either. Wow. My mind keeps spinning in circles. My sister law texted me if i was ok so then u called her. It helped a little but cant get all my feelings out because no one knows about her affair. Not even her parents who talk to me once a week to see how things are going. But they were the ones that said she must be talking to someone. Anyone been in this position w some advice?
I know what you are going through man! My wife has not old anyone close to both of us about the OM. Her best friend and horse trainer know, but that's it on her side.
My mom, therapist and a guy I get great advise from know on my side and that's it.
Her parents, her brother(who I love with), mutual friends, no one else knows!
It's so aggravating because I feel like she is having her cake and eating it too.
Not for long though! I won't sit by waiting on her while she tests the waters.
Laying in bed not wanting to get up for the day. I reread all my posts and have tears. I keep telling myself i have to face my fears. It had been real emotional the last couple if days, w meeting two attorneys and dealing w W in this. I am also so tired. Now it's just waiting to see what settlement agreement the w presents me.
UP!! Get UP!!! LOL!
Here is an awesome quote for you, think about this:
“…feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.”
― Pema Chödrön
This week I have made it a promise to lean in. It is not easy. Facing your fears will bring you the realization that you are so much stronger than you know. It will open some doors and close others. If you are lucky enough, you also get to grow.
I went to the library today and got DR to read for the second time. As hard as it is, I am in it till the end. Since her temper tandem on Mon she and our son went out to dinner on tue, she informed me w a text and today she texted me she wont be home for dinner that she will kiss our son goodnight when she comes in. She usually tells me to tell our son, but this time she didn't. Oh we'll. son and I are going to go out for a good dinner and the play ground.
I told w last weekend that I was going to get a basketball goal for our son. She responded ok. Today I bought one. I want to surprise my son w it but tell him at dinner that we both or should I say , mommy and daddy got you something. I don't want to say its from me for her to think I am trying to be the better parent. And of course lay out the rules if that he misbehaves that it will be one of the things WE will take away from him. Any input?
I told w about the surprise for our son and she followed my lead when we told him. She even offered to keep him occupied for me to put it together. He was so excited when he saw it. My heart melted. Sat s went to in laws to spend the night. I had a feeling w was going out and didn't want to be around me that evening. I made plans. Got home around midnight and she wasn't home. Woke up this morning and not home. She didn't even tell me what she was doing which she has in the past by telling me or texting me. I took a few deep breaths this morning and I am good w myself. Not getting emotional. This is also day 4 of me not wearing my ring, used to just out it on when I left the house. Getting better at detaching.
Hi Kenva,
Just checking in. I do remember your sitch now. Somehow I missed your update this year.
Thanks for the prayer on my thread. Sorry you're in the same timeline as me. But looks like your sitch is changing. Maybe it's for the better Kenva, you never know. Maybe the healing will finally start for you.
When I think about your sitch and mine, you know living in the same house, the more I think its not going to work and that separation is truly needed. I have tried just about everything and nothing moved my sitch.
For me I come to terms too that my w is gone even though we're in the same house. It's been almost two years for me too being solo doing things for the kids, not asking W for her support etc. I'm used to it that shes not there for me. So really for me, if she files it's just formality.
Stay strong Kenva, you can do this. Keep posting.
Newman
I'm staying strong. Since she spent the night out she's been cold. No talking to me at all. Not a hello nor a goodbye. We were at least saying that to ea other but nothing now. I have kinda stopped that to see if I get anything from her but no. I had to ask her twice tonight if she wanted me to throw away a container. I will tell her bye tomorrow morning to shake things up.
So w texted me that she would be in late for s and I to eat w out her. Fine. I'm used to her throwing that at me every once in a while. So dinner was almost ready and she comes home. I made mine and s plate and sat down to eat. I didn't make her plate which both of us do when either one if us makes dinner. She looked at the food and saw there was a little extra and she asked me about it. I told her I made too much for s. she made her plate and sat down w us. Cold she was but I'm used to it. After dinner s started playing in family room. I took trash out and came in to see her on couch. I'm upstairs , detaching. Just waiting for his bed time because its my turn to read to him.