Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: mimivac Suddenly Separated in VA -- need your help - 02/03/12 09:33 PM
Hello,

I have been reading the forums for about two weeks, and thought I would take the plunge and post. So many of you have extremely helpful advice, and I hope that when I get through this, I can help others out, too. But first thing's first:

My H dropped the bomb on 1/08/12, saying that he loved me very much, thought very warmly of me, but didn't feel for me "things that he should." He thought that moving out would help him to clarify the issue in his mind, and he did so on 1/18/2012, despite my pleading and reasoning (mistake #1, I know). As soon as it happened, I began to research and came upon MWD books and this site. I immediately ordered 3 of her books and have read DB, DR and am currently reading "Change your Life."

We have been married 10 years that we both agree have been mostly very happy. However, things have been rough in the last few years. 3 years ago, I was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer. H took care of me during that time and kept most of his feelings of fear to himself. I encouraged him to join a caregivers support group, but he didn't think it was necessary. A little background: H's father died of cancer when H was 19, and my cancer brought back many painful memories and feelings of guilt about his dad. Another milestone is that we bought a second home, a weekend place that we had talked about for a while, back in July of 2011. This coincided with a bout of depression for H. He agrees that the sense of crushing responsibility he had during my cancer treatments only intensified with the purchase of this new property. He began to feel trapped.

He is now seeing a psychiatrist who is helping him a great deal, and last week we had our first session with a MC. He seemed very good and I was encouraged. However, H is not hopeful of a reconciliation. He believes that things have changed between us and that they cannot go back to where they were. Although we continue to be best friends, he is finding pleasure and relief in our separation, since the issue is no longer in his face. To tell the truth, I am finding some relief in being away from him as well. In the last few weeks, he would say things like "we won't be able to make it," "we'll never get to the other side," and "you don't want to be married to me feeling the way I do," over and over. It was becoming very stressful. He also told me that he could no longer be "responsible for someone else" or "in the confines of a marriage."

Since reading DR, I have stopped pursuing him. I do not initiate contact and respond in an upbeat way when he does. I have backslid a bit, but have done pretty well so far. He calls and texts often and his depression seems to have lifted a little. I am also working on GAL -- going out with friends more often, making plans to join a gym, getting my hair done, etc. I need to do more of that. Things are not looking good right now. I feel that we are just friends at the moment, but maybe that is what needs to happen to get through this. We are going up to our second home tomorrow to take care of some things and I dread being alone with him all weekend, knowing that he is so hopeless about our life together.

Any advice? Thanks so much.

_______________________________
M:37; H:37; M: 10 years; T:13 years; no kids.
Bomb: 1/08/12
Separated: 1/18/12
Posted By: kml Re: Suddenly Separated in VA -- need your help - 02/04/12 12:21 AM
Wow hon - so so sorry that you're having to deal with this. Dealing with cancer is just when you need your partner most - it [censored] that because of his own fears, he can't stand with you better than this.

Some guys in this situation seem to fear the possibility of loss so much, that they'll run away rather than risk you dying on them.

He does sound depressed, and it's important for you not to argue with him, but gently point out that people can and do get "that feeling" back - that it is normal in a marriage to go through times when the feeling waxes and wanes.

And for you - not to be the bearer of bad news, but - be aware that more often than not, the is another woman in the equation. It doesn't mean your marriage can't be saved - but just be aware, if things aren't adding up, that there may be such a reason.
kml, you hit the nail on the head. He is terrified of my death and has enormous guilt over the death of his father (his mother asked him to drop out of college to take care of him, and he didn't). I have gently (and maybe not so gently) told him that "that feeling" can come back. He doesn't believe it and doesn't like me to tell him that. His thought is that once gone, it's gone forever. He's asked me if I would stay with him if we were never intimate again. I've stopped all talk of the R since he feels the need to flee and has left the house. I am doing LRT, I guess.

As for another woman, I would be very surprised, but I was also shocked that he would actually leave, so.... Do I ask him that or just leave it alone for now?

Thank you so much for reading.

Mimi

__________________________________________
M:37; H:37; M: 10 years; T:13 years; no kids.
Bomb: 1/08/12
Separated: 1/18/12
i'm so sorry you have to deal w/ all this! but hopefully the people here can provide you with some support.

i understand what you mean when you say you felt relief w/ H moving out. my H i think feels very much like yours. just doesn't think things will ever work out. doesn't want the responsibility of a marriage. just wants to be alone. it's the typical speech. so it is less stressful because you are no longer having to deal w/ his emotions and only have to deal w/ your own.

hang in there!
barely, exactly. Although I miss him very much, I don't have to deal with the constant negative attitude and that is more comfortable for me.

Tonight he called and I told him I contacted our real estate agent to sell our weekend home. He seemed sad about that and asked, "is this what we should really do?" I said, "well, what else can we do?" Then one of my good friends called and I said I had to get off the phone. He sounded very sad. He's coming to pick me up tomorrow morning to go to our house. Please wish me strength.

Mimi
We didn't actually go to the house today, but hung out in our condo. He brought his suitcase and unpacked, so I guess he's staying for a bit. He's leaving for a business trip on Wednesday, so I suspect he'll stay here until then. We have MC on Tuesday. Didn't talk about the R at all. He is acting pretty neutral, neither good nor bad -- friendly, I guess.

Although I haven't been expressing it, I feel so hurt that he could give up like this. I feel like crying. Given that he has asked for time and space, I am continuing to act upbeat, and not mention the R unless he brings it up first. Sometimes I long to be alone so I can do what I want and not worry about his every sigh or silence. I need to detach a bit and do more GAL activities.

How do you keep from analyzing every little thing and getting upset when you are with the WAS? I feel stronger when he's not around.

Mimi


M:37; H:37; M: 10 years; T:13 years; no kids.
Bomb: 1/08/12
Separated: 1/18/12
Hi Mimi, sorry for what you're going through. You're doing the right thing by not pursuing and letting him sort through his feelings on his own. If his feelings come back over time it will be more meaningful to him than if you tell him they'll come back. It's not something you can tell him and he'll believe. I am in the same boat. I feel quite sure it's possible to be back in love, even maybe in a better way, if you let it happen. My H doesn't believe that and thinks we should end things rather than waste time working on them. And it's also possible my H has someone else in the wings too. I don't see that as relevant because we have our own problems at the root of this. Is there anything you can look at doing differently in the future? Is there anything you could think of that contributed to the breakdown? Knowledge and acceptance of your role gives you power to make things different, and things being different is key to H believing it makes sense to come back.
Adinva, thank you for the support. I do think you're right that pursuing him and telling him that those old feelings will come back does not work, and in fact has the opposite effect. H has told me that he feels very frustrated and alienated from me when I do that. He needs to come to those feelings on his own.

As for my own part in the disintegration of the marriage, I definitely agknowledge my role. I let our intimate relationship flounder, thinking, "oh, we'll get it back later." Big mistake. For a lot of men, including my H, the intimate relationship is representative of the level of emotional closeness. I should have recognized that earlier and taken action. Now it almost seems that it is too late.

I have also had a hard time allowing H time and space before jumping in with a talk or a complaint. Although we've never had a contentious relationship, there was some of that going on, on my part.

In the future, I would accept H's way of being and communicating, while also gently doing my part to preserve and cultivate our intimacy and emotional closeness. Hmmm, that sounds too vague. I will have to think of more concrete
actions.

Right now I am surprised that H is sitting next to me on the couch reading the relationship book our MC recommded. That has to be a positive step, right? I will refrain from asking him about it until he wants to discuss. Sometimes it is so hard to bit my tongue.

Adinva, I wish you great success in your journey. I am off to read your thread.

Mimi


__________________________________________
M:37; H:37; M: 10 years; T:13 years; no kids.
Bomb: 1/08/12
Separated: 1/18/12
Journaling: well, this weekend had its ups and downs. H was around the whole time (he has moved out, but is staying with me for a few days because of car repairs), and we generally got along as well as usual, except that he was not physically affectionate the way he used to be. Last night, he informed me that he had been invited to a superbowl party and then left. Didn't say where he was going, who would be there, when he would be back, or anything. At first, I was hurt. I wasn't invited and H didn't even think he needed to give me any basic information. It's like he's decided he no longer has any responsibility toward me or the marriage. He comes and goes as he pleases.

Then I remembered that we are separated because H wants time and space and isn't sure that he wants to be "in the confines of a marriage." So, his actions are consistent with that, and I need to GAL instead of analyzing and worrying about what he is and is not doing. When he got home I was in bed and he came to sit next to me and talk about the puppy bowl of all things. I'm glad I didn't complain about his not inviting me, etc. It was much more pleasant that way.

I am realizing what GAL really is. I think I had been confusing it with LRT. I am doing OK with LR -- not initiating any contact, but being friendly and upbeat when H does. But I kind of sat around all weekend, waiting for what H was going to do instead of getting on with my own things. This week my goal is to really examine how I want to improve myself and make a list of all the interests that I have put off pursuing and start slowly exploring them. I live in an urban area where there are tons of free lectures, concerts, exhibits, shows, etc. I always said I was going to take advantage of these things but never did. This week I will start. I want my life to be full and vibrant, with or without my H.

Thanks for reading. This site is an inspiration to me.

Mimi

__________________________________________
M:37; H:37; M: 10 years; T:13 years; no kids.
Bomb: 1/08/12
Separated: 1/18/12
Journaling again: Well, it seems like my LRT is paying off a bit. Last night when H came home from his superbowl party (to which I wasn't invited, but I cheerfully wished him "have fun"), he wanted to talk (not about the R, just random stuff). I was pleasant, but let him know that I was tired and going to sleep. Then I noticed that he sat next to me in bed and continued reading the relationship book that our MC recommended.

We usually take the same bus to the city on our morning commute, but this morning I said that I was taking a later bus so that I could enjoy a cup of tea and some reading time. He seemed a little preplexed, and said, "are you sure?" He just called me at work to ask why I didn't want to take the same bus with him. I reiterated that I was enjoying my tea and book and left it at that. Then he wanted to talk about what he was learning in the relationship book. He says that it is helping him to see his patterns, but then asked "what do I do with that information?" This has always been H's problem with traditional psychotherapy. He is very good at understanding the underlying issues, but not so great at finding a productive way solve the problem. In fact, he is usually hopeless that there even IS a solution, even in the face of a nuanced understanding of the problem (this is his thinking about our R problems). The fact that he is even asking what he should do with his patterns is good news, IMO. It makes me think he is moving toward thinking about solutions rather than being mired in hopelessness.

Remembering my LRT, I did not become overly enthusiastic. After all, he has not said anything specific about the R, and we are still speaking relatively abstractly. I said, "well, I think the next step might be to find a positive and productive way to deal with those patterns. The second part of the book discusses that." Then he asked what I was doing this evening and said he didn't have any plans. I didn't make a comment about this and we hung up on a friendly note.

I am encouraged, but cognizant that this may not mean much. He is exploring right now, but not ready to make any declarations. I am aware that this may take a long time, so I am not jumping the gun. One of MWD's books talks about staying the course in the face of success. She says that as soon as we see any signs of progress, we are tempted to go back to our old ways. I have to admit, I was tempted to jump right into R talk and try to initiate a reconcilation, but I know that can be disastrous. What I am doing is getting postitive results and I will continue doing it until there is a definite and unmistakable sign that H is ready to reconcile. Then we talk about about deeper issues and get into problems, etc. Right now, I need to be strong and continue LRT and GAL.

Speaking of, I am off to look for some free cultural activities in my area.

Mimi

__________________________________________
M:37; H:37; M: 10 years; T:13 years; no kids.
Bomb: 1/08/12
Separated: 1/18/12
Just wanted to add something about the relationship book H is reading. I know that asking the WAS to read a M book is considered pursuing and usually does not work and/or backfires. I totally agree with that. This book was recommended to us by our MC and I downloaded it on my ipad and read it right away. I did not suggest that H read it, but mentioned that I had read it and found it to be interesting. I did not go over the points in the book or say that I thought it would help our marriage, etc.

He then, unprompted, told me that he wanted to read it, so I ordered a hard copy without announcing that I would. When it arrived, I said that I had ordered the copy b/c mine was on my ipad and I also wanted a non-digital version. At this point he had moved out, but was at home getting more clothes. I casually put the book on my desk. When he left, I noticed that the book was gone, too. This weekend, he started to read it and discuss it with me. Again, I think that if I had been heavy-handed or insistent that he read this book, he would have resisted. If I had said nothing about it, it would not have been on his radar. I think there is a balance to hit with simply introducing something to the WAS without implying any kind of pressure at all. It's tricky though and I could see that there would be situations where any discussion of such a thing would be viewed as pressure by the WAS.

Mimi

__________________________________________
M:37; H:37; M: 10 years; T:13 years; no kids.
Bomb: 1/08/12
Separated: 1/18/12
Mimi,

sounds like you are right on track! Now get out there and GAL! smile. Very positive that H read relationship book. I wish my H was more willing.
Thanks, barely! I've already arranged to go to a museum exhibit and then lunch. I will try to make a day of it. Other than that, I have been downloading healthy recipes that sound delicious so I can get my health back on track. I also need to get some exercise in. Friends and I are taking a pilates class this weekend and then doing brunch in our Pjs, but I need to find something more consistent. There is a gym close to my house that I may try.

Also, I was just reading over the 37 rules of LRT and felt pretty good that I was doing well, except when I read the one about not following your H like a puppy dog around the house! This was (obviously) easier when H was out of the house, but he is staying with me for a few days and this weekend I found myself kind of hanging out where he was, doing nothing. As much as I kept telling myself, "stop lingering! Go do something!" I kept just walking around waiting for him to initiate something. Wrong!! Next time I will have to make a real schedule so I always have something to do. So, tonight I will go home, take a long bath, cook dinner, eat, watch my documentary from Netflix, and then fix myself a warm cup of milk and read in bed. If H wants to join me in any of these activities, he is welcome. If not, no problem!

Today, when he called me at work to talk about the relationship book, he sounded warm, like his old self. That was nice to hear.

Thanks again for your encouragement.

Mimi

__________________________________________
M:37; H:37; M: 10 years; T:13 years; no kids.
Bomb: 1/08/12
Separated: 1/18/12
Well, things seem to be slowly getting better, although I am careful to note that H has not said anything about reconciliation yet. I am taking his lead, still doing LRT, but softening it a bit. When we are home together, I am usually the more talkative one, the one who starts the conversations. Now, I don't want to appear as if I am persuing, so I don't initiate as much, but if I say nothing I risk seeming as though I am giving him the silent treatment. So, I initiate a bit (light and breezy conversation topics). If he responds, I continue. If not, I pull back a bit. This seems to be creating a pretty good balance.

Last night, H read the relationship book some more. I went about my business, acting as though I didn't notice and asking him nothing about it. Before we went to bed, he wanted to have a long conversation about his patterns of behavior and said that he understood himself better now, and was beginning to untangle his need to run away from me and our marriage. I just listened and validated what he was saying, only offering my opinion when directly asked. I kept those opinions narrowly focused and tried not to get into the specifics of our sitch too much. We snuggled a bit in bed and then this morning, much to my surprise, he continued reading the book before work (this is a first, he always watches the news and never reads in the morning). I kept the conversation light this morning and he kissed me on the cheek the way he used to when we separated to take our respective trains.

Today we have MC and I hope things will continue to go well. I am a little wary of getting my hopes up too much, because H has a pattern of understanding something, but still not being able to change it. Plus, like I said, he has not indicated that he is ready to re-committ to the R. How do you balance recognizing positive steps with letting your guard down completely? I think I know that part of the answer lies in GAL. If you are GAL, then even if things do not pan out the way you envisioned, you will have your positive changes to see you through. How come I know that, but still seem to be having a hard time completely implementing it?

Hope everyone is doing well this morning!

Mimi

__________________________________________
M:37; H:37; M: 10 years; T:13 years; no kids.
Bomb: 1/08/12
Separated: 1/18/12
Well, I royally messed up yesterday. I think I have indeed been overestimating how positive H feels about our R. Even though I have been trying to moderate my feelings, I thought that H was at least a bit closer to feeling that he wanted to commit fully to the road of reconciliation. Turns out the truth is quite a bit different.

Yesterday, during MC, H reiterated that his needs are not being met in the marriage and that he does not believe they ever will be. The MC said that he sounded like a depressed man who has given up. H also stated that things that he wanted for himself include writing again (we met in graduate school for writing), expanding his social network, advancing at work, and having his own place with his own aesthetic. He said that "most days" he thinks that he should be doing these things instead of staying married to me.

I was very angry when we left the office and said many things that I maybe shouldn't have. I was definitely not validating or practicing LRT. I told him that if he had already mapped out a life for himself elsewhere, then he should go live it. He told me that I was reacting out of anger and that we should talk about it later.

He came home a few hours later from work and we talked. I was basically ready to end it because it seemed to me that he had already made up his mind. He told me that he hadn't mapped out a life for himself and that he recognized that if left me, he would likely be very unhappy. But he also reiterated that he couldn't see us solving our problems. So, basically he is deciding whether to accept the problems and stay in the marriage, or leave and strike out on his own. He said he doesn't have any illusions that life outside of our marriage would be better, and that he doesn't have enough information to make a decision yet. He doesn't trust his gut instincts on this, either.

This morning, he left for a business trip so I have a few days breather. I know I desperately need to GAL and not have anymore showdowns like we did last night. Do I pick up LRT where I left off and aggressively GAL as well? How do I navigate this? A part of me wants to say, "if you are so hopeless that we can fix our problems, and if you are deciding whether you want to live an unhappy life with me, then leave." I mean, I definitely don't want to be with someone who considers me a less-than-adequate compromise. What to do??

Mimi
_________________________________________
M:37; H:37; M: 10 years; T:13 years; no kids.
Bomb: 1/08/12
Separated: 1/18/12
Hi Mimi - you have so many things going for you. Expect backslides and pick yourself back up and keep going on the track you know is right. You've been at this one month, you must be more patient. Expect that he will reiterate his decision when given a chance, like in MC, because that is how WAS's solidify their decision in their own mind. Try not to give him opportunities to do that.

You're lucky too because you seem to have a guy who gets some of this emotional stuff. It seems he's given you a pass on your outburst because he understood you were speaking out of anger. Be glad, and try to avoid doing that again. He also seems to understand that leaving you isn't the solution to all his problems. You're several steps ahead right there.

Keep using this opportunity to be the best you, someone attractive and engaging, so anyone would be a fool not to want to be with you...either H or someone else in the future. Go to those free cultural events! Take exceptional care of yourself, pamper yourself as much as possible and get good exercise and sleep.

I don't know how long this will take for you, but know that it could be a year or more, can you be that patient?

Your marriage has an opportunity now to become better than it ever was. If it doesn't, it will probably end. H is telling you some of the things that are his ideal life don't mesh with his marriage. Maybe through counseling you can start to bring those things together so marriage to you also means he fulfills his dreams. Be careful of too overtly trying to fix the problems he brings up because that is perceived as manipulation, that you're just trying to get him back. But show - don't tell - gradually, so that he realizes on his own that it can be a better marriage and a better life for him with you.

I hope these thoughts get you thinking on the right track. I don't have any really good answers but you have a lot of good material to work with in your situation, and your attitude so far sounds great.
Ad, thank you so much for your response. I needed to hear that. You're right we have several positive things going for the R, and I shouldn't be so quick to assume the worst (or the best).

As I read other people's experiences, I realize how very impatient I am. I want answers NOW, but I need to understand that it takes TIME and not just a few weeks either. I need to relax into the marathon, rather than sprinting and then running out of steam.

Ad said, "Expect that he will reiterate his decision when given a chance, like in MC, because that is how WAS's solidify their decision in their own mind. Try not to give him opportunities to do that."
-- How do I avoid doing this? I know during our personal interactions I can avoid asking him for reassurances or whether he's made up his mind yet, etc., but what about during MC? I would like to direct the sessions more toward problem solving rather than going over all the reasons why H wants to leave the marriage. At the beginning of each session, the MC asks if there is any issue that we touched on the previous week that we want to expand upon. Maybe next time, I can bring up one of the direct, concrete problems that H has talked about and ask if we can brainstorm how to tackle that? Is this too soon or would it be considered too directive or manipulative on my part?

Ad said, "Take exceptional care of yourself, pamper yourself as much as possible and get good exercise and sleep."
-- You could not be more right. I have been neglecting myself through all of this. I have neglected a healthy diet (I am an excellent cook, but have been ordering take-out lately), exercising, wearing nice clothes, putting on make-up, etc. I walk around with a sallow face, wrinkled clothes, and tight pants. Ugh!! I need to take more pride in myself. If I don't, who will?

Ad said, "Maybe through counseling you can start to bring those things together so marriage to you also means he fulfills his dreams. Be careful of too overtly trying to fix the problems he brings up because that is perceived as manipulation, that you're just trying to get him back. But show - don't tell - gradually, so that he realizes on his own that it can be a better marriage and a better life for him with you."
-- This is really powerful. I guess this goes back to my earlier question about how to be solution oriented in MC without appearing to be manipulative or brushing H's feelings away. Maybe overtly bringing this up during MC would be more "telling" rather than "showing"? Do you have any insights on how to show H that he can live his dreams within the marriage? Do I just start living my dreams, so that H is inspired to do the same (within our R)? Can it be that indirect?

I was in a dark place before your reply. Feeling better now. Thank you again.

Mimi
H just called to "check in" on me before his flight this afternoon. He wanted to see if I was OK after our talk last night. I was pleasant, said I was doing well and apologized for becoming angry. He said, "that's OK. It's going to happen." It was a positive interaction, and we joked around as usual, but I am not happy that he had to "check in" because of my behavior, crying, and anger. That must make him feel pressured and as though I am needy and delicate. Not exactly a person you would want to be running home to at the end of the day.

Oh well, time to dust myself off, begin healthy living and GAL.

Mimi

_________________________________________
M:37; H:37; M: 10 years; T:13 years; no kids.
Bomb: 1/08/12
Separated: 1/18/12
Journaling here: Well, it was an interesting weekend. After H left for his business trip, I started writing down all my goals for myself in categories. Basically, things that I will do for my appearance, for my health, for my cultural enrichment, for my social enrichment, etc. I determined that I will have at least one activity with a friend or friends every week; I will have one free cultural activity a week, alone or with others (there are tons of free things to do in my city); and I get to do one paid event a month, like tickets to the theater, a play or a concert (really excited to get back into that). I will also look into taking French classes at a community college, the French embassy, various French institutions, etc.

H called and texted me every day from his trip. I did not initiate any contact and was friendly and light when he called. He kept saying, "is there anything you want to say?" Not sure what he was looking for, but I didn't take the bait. It's all on him to say things about R right now. It never works out well when I do, so I've learned from my mistakes. He got home on Saturday afternoon and I welcomed him home with a smile and he told me about his trip. Then I said I needed to get ready to go out to the movies and dinner with some girlfriends. He texted me a few times while I was out and I waited to answer. Nothing serious, just light conversational stuff.

Sunday morning, we woke up and he said, "you're an amazing person, aren't you?" Hmm, how do you answer that? LOL. I just smiled. Then I went to Pilates and brunch with some friends and H picked me up to go grocery shopping. Spent the rest of the day cooking healthy meals for the week, doing laundry, and straightening up the house (H cleaned, too). We ended the evening by watching the Grammys together on the couch.

I did very well all weekend not mentioning the R, getting on with my life, being nice to H and exerting no pressure whatsoever. I had no idea how long he was going to stay, if he was going to move out again on Sunday or what. Last night, he came to bed and I could tell he wanted to talk. He asked me what benefit I derived from us living apart. I gave him the answer that I had given him before, that being alone was peaceful and that it was sometimes nice to have my own space. He then said, "but you would rather have me not leave, right?" I said that if he had to go, he had to go. We left it at that and he snuggled with me all night.

Now, this kind of thing has happened before: H being really solicitous and nice and acting as though he wants to reconcile, only to blow up in my face when he declares later in therapy that he really does want to be alone. So, this time I am working really hard on detaching and actually GAL and having no expectations as to whether H will move out tonight or re-iterate his decision to separate in therapy this week. I already have plans for Valentine's day with a girlfriend and I am planning a trip to NYC in a few weeks. Although it is still not easy I feel better and more composed than I have since this thing started.

Mimi

_________________________________________
M:37; H:37; M: 10 years; T:13 years; no kids.
Bomb: 1/08/12
Separated: 1/18/12
Posted By: labug Re: Suddenly Separated in VA -- need your help - 02/13/12 03:17 PM
I like your activity goals. I need to be a little more planned in those activities and in searching them out.

Thanks for sharing.
Labug, I am a list-maker so seeing all my goals spelled out makes the momentum stronger and gets me excited about this new, better life I will soon be living. Plus, it is so true that GAL helps you to not focus so much on your sitch and whether the R is going to work out or not.

Mimi

_________________________________________
M:37; H:37; M: 10 years; T:13 years; no kids.
Bomb: 1/08/12
Separated: 1/18/12
Well, as I should be used to by now, the pattern continues. A few really good days followed by H's re-declaration that he wants to separate, that things between us have changed for the worse, etc., etc. At this point, I barely find myself reacting.

After a very good weekend together, H came home after work yesterday morose and moody. I could tell right away when he walked through the door. I was in the kitchen happily making beef stroganoff and my heart sank just a little, but I was determined to not let him ruin my night. He seemed to be trying to be upbeat at first, asking me how my day was and making a little conversation. I asked if he wanted me to make him pasta or rice with his steak and he said, "don't bother" in this depressed way, and I knew he was not feeling it.

After dinner, he turned off the television and just started staring at me. Ugh. I hate that because it is always the precursor to some unpleasant conversation or announcement. I didn't jump the gun as I would have in the past, and let him bring it up. Then it came: "I'm thinking of staying elsewhere this week." Honestly, it was too difficult for me to be positive or affirming about this (and it would have been weird to be, IMO), so I just stayed silent. He then started saying how scared he was and I asked him why -- he said it was because things were "so uncertain." I tried to validate these feelings and said that we would have to live with some uncertainty for a while.

Now usually this would have ruined my whole night. I would have stayed on the couch crying and unable to move. This time, I sat with H for a little while and then got up to take a hot shower and then blow-dry and style my hair (This is huge. I would usually rather have crazy hair than blow dry it. LOL). Then I washed my face and moisturized (one of my goals is to consistently take care of my skin) and sat in bed reading with a glass of wine. H came to bed and read, too. We didn't speak of the R for the rest of the night.

Being really honest, I would really not mind if he moved out again this week. I don't mind being alone and I'm getting wary of H sitting around with his doom and gloom attitude and fatalistic conversation. I just want peace and happiness. This morning, H was on his way to the doctor's to get a liver ultrasound. I kissed him good-bye and said that I was sure the test would be normal. He seemed to really appreciate that.

So tonight I go out with a single girlfriend for V-day and this Friday I am planning to go see a free performance of a Commedia dell arte version of Romeo and Juliet. I will also buy some new skin care products and book a spa treatment. Trying to take care of myself as best as I can through this. We have MC tomorrow. One day at a time.

Mimi
_________________________________________
M:37; H:37; M: 10 years; T:13 years; no kids.
Bomb: 1/08/12
Separated: 1/18/12
Mimi, you're doing great. You're showing such strength. I'm sorry for what he's going through and how it's affecting you, but I'm glad you're taking care of yourself.
Thanks, Ad. I am trying. He just called to tell me about his ultrasound. I reassured him that taking several pictures was normal. Then I mentioned that I would be late coming home tonight and he said, "That's OK, I won't be there." (after asking who I was going out with, etc.).I guess he has found a place to stay and is moving out today. Despite the fact that I KNEW it was coming, I still got upset (not on the phone to him, but after I hung up). I guess he'll be at the same place he was before, but he didn't bother to tell me where, how long, or anything else. I didn't ask. I feel that despite the positive things in our R since the bomb, he hasn't budged on his belief that we need to separate and that our problems cannot be solved. Sigh. I will live with this. Thanks for the great support.

Mimi

_________________________________________
M:37; H:37; M: 10 years; T:13 years; no kids.
Bomb: 1/08/12
Separated: 1/18/12
Sorry Mimi - hang in there this is part of the journey, ack!!
I know GM. Argh. I just realized that he is moving out on Valentine's Day. How appropriate. Well, I guess I can say that for V-day I got a peaceful house and quiet atmosphere all to myself. crazy

Mimi
Well, yesterday was interesting, I guess. Went for V-day with my single girlfriend. I was relaxing and having a drink at the bar when H started texting me. At first he told me that he was out with clients and that the view of the city from the rooftop bar was great. I waited a bit and texted back that I was out, too. He then surprised me by texting, "I feel utterly alone." I said that I was sorry. He wrote back, "It's OK. It's instructional. I'm sorry I've let you down." I wrote back that I knew he was doing the best that he could right now (I truly believe that). He later wrote that the charge on our credit card for the client dinner would be expensed, so I don't have to worry about it. I didn't respond back since he was only relaying information.

The rest of the evening turned out pretty interesting since President Obama and his wife decided to have their V-day dinner at the restaurant my girlfriend and I were hanging out at. LOL. That's DC for you. When the street gets blocked off and secret service agents are suddenly swarming the place, you know someone important is in the area.

So, all in all not a bad night. I am trying to GAL, but I am still so involved in my H and what he is saying and doing. I have to say, though, it felt good to come home to my warm house after dinner and sleep in my own bed without having to worry about H's bad mood or when he's going to come home, etc. etc. I guess I need to continue working on detachment. Anyone have any tips on that?

Mimi

_________________________________________
M:37; H:37; M: 10 years; T:13 years; no kids.
Bomb: 1/08/12
Separated: 1/18/12
Posted By: labug Re: Suddenly Separated in VA -- need your help - 02/15/12 06:01 PM
Did O sing to M? ♫ ♫IIII'm so in love with you...♫ ♫
Posted By: labug Re: Suddenly Separated in VA -- need your help - 02/15/12 06:02 PM
darn my musical notes didn't work frown
LOL, labug. They certainly wouldn't let us get near enough to hear such a thing if he did!
Posted By: labug Re: Suddenly Separated in VA -- need your help - 02/15/12 06:11 PM
Hey I'm working on my get a life plan base on your template! Thanks
Glad to hear it, labug! Would love to hear about your progress as it would inspire me to get going as well. So far, I've been going out with friends once a week or more and I have a cultural event scheduled for Friday by myself. I am also going to schedule a leg waxing (TMI, sorry!) and replenish my skin care products today. Onward!

Mimi
Mimi - I may just use your template as well. I need some structure REALLY bad.

Btw, you and I live in the same area, only I'm in PG. We got take-out last night because I knew any restaurant in DC was going to be packed.
Let's all journal our progress on GAL to inspire each other. I always love hearing the wonderful things others are doing and it really helps me get out of my own shell. I also have a blog where I talk about my activities and include pictures to gain momentum.

Ro, restaurants are not only packed, but also really pricy on V-day. But I am still glad my girlfriend and I "celebrated" our singlehood by getting drinks and appetizers. Plus by sitting at the bar, we got happy hour prices instead of V-day prices.

Mimi
Hey Mimi, I think you are detaching just fine, according to what you post here. You are doing great focusing on the positive (peaceful house) and not going off the handle at everything H says. It may not be a bad thing that he is out of the house. Mine is in the house, which others have told me is good, but on the other hand we're getting so good at detaching from each other and living our lives next to each other. I don't see him realizing what he's missing. Maybe yours will. He does seem conflicted.
Thanks, Ad. Good point about H possibly realizing what he's missing. I think that was part of his rationale for leaving in the first place -- he wanted to see if it would jolt him into being happier in the M. I thought that was simplistic and that it wouldn't make our problems miraculously disappear. And it hasn't. But it does give me some peace and the time and space that H wants.

The thing is, he is also dealing with depression (seeing a pych. for it) and, I believe, somewhat of a MLC at the same time. The things he says he wants to do (things that "can't" include me) are things that we used to do when we first met at age 22 -- have our own space, write, go out with friends every night, have very few responsibilities, etc. I feel he is seeing things through a very distorted lens right now, but other than joining him in MC, I can't do very much about that. He says that he will be miserable whether he leaves me or not. That's depression talking. He needs to become mentally well before any R can work between us. So, what can I do but detach and GAL at this point? I am not a patient person so this is hard.

Despite his texts to me that he is "utterly alone," etc., I expect to hear at MC this afternoon that he is better off alone, away from me. I am trying to have zero expectations, but it's not easy.

Mimi
It sounds like his treatment for depression needs tweaking. If he'll be miserable with or without leaving you, why add leaving you into the mix? He's not being rational, and your attitude about it sounds very healthy. Not that you're happy about it, but you're recognizing that it doesn't have much to do with you. Part of DBing is to use the opportunity to fix in you what needs fixing. Do you have any idea that you might have contributed to what's going on with him, or exacerbated it, or responded ineffectively to it? From what I've read so far, it doesn't sound like it, but look inward anyway. It's very empowering to know that you can grow and improve from this kind of a personal setback.
So, MC was actually really good yesterday. We cleared up some misunderstandings and defined some of our therapy goals. Whenever H has been curt and short with me, I've been thinking that he's angrily affirming his desire to be apart. It turns out that he's actually feeling guilty and afraid of my reaction, which translates into the shortness I'm perceiving as anger and surliness. That was good to know.

I also got some validation from our therapist that I'm a very independent person, which I think comes as a relief to H, since his most feared quality in a mate is neediness. Unlike the last session, when I could barely keep the tears at bay, this time we had a productive conversation and I was calm and confident. When the subject of my cancer diagnosis came up, H cried (he usually does when this is mentioned) and I realized how much he still cares.

H clarified that his goals in therapy are to tease out whether the problems in our marriage are things that can be worked on and fixed or whether they are too fundamental to repair and we will need to permanently separate. This was actually positive news because I have never heard him outline it so clearly, nor has he ever seemed to recognize that the problems may be fixable. He's always said, "it can't be fixed." So the fact that he even acknowledges that we could solve our problems and remain married is a huge step, IMO.

After the session he kissed me and then dropped me off at a metro to head home. I had a nice night by myself, eating my homemade steak with mushroom puree and relaxing in my comfortable home. Today will be pretty low-key. It's a rainy day, which I love for brewing a hot cup to tea and curling up with a good book. I just downloaded a book on how to be happy and thrive while living alone, so I will dig into that tonight. Tomorrow, I work at home and then will head to the city for my weekly cultural activity.

Hope everyone is doing great today. Ad, I am thinking about your questions above and will post about them when I have some insight. Thanks for posing them.

Mimi
Originally Posted By: adinva
Do you have any idea that you might have contributed to what's going on with him, or exacerbated it, or responded ineffectively to it? From what I've read so far, it doesn't sound like it, but look inward anyway. It's very empowering to know that you can grow and improve from this kind of a personal setback.


Well, the big thing that I definitely contributed to was not taking care of our intimate relationship. I was going through cancer treatment and all the lovely side effects like temporary menopause ("chemopause") at 34 and baldness, extreme fatigue, sickness, etc. Sex was the last thing on both of our minds. I was reading advice from more experienced survivors that we shouldn't neglect this part of our relationship, but we didn't listen. H felt that it would be wrong to take pleasure from my body when I was so sick. I had no desire. I always figured that we would just get back to it when I was feeling better. Well, it never happened. The lack of physical intimacy eventually created emotional distance and after a while H decided that he was no longer sexually attracted to me. This hurt me a lot and I didn't push to fix the problem because I felt so humiliated and injured by this. H finally admitted in therapy that my cancer scar takes him right back to the pain and fear of my diagnosis. We haven't even begun to work on this yet. In the future I would never neglect my physical relationship. I never understood the saying, "use or lose it" more than I do now.

Another thing I have been guilty of is rationalizing our problems and not saying what I really mean. I knew that H was depressed about the relationship for months and I thought that if I was just cheerful enough and accommodating enough, he would get over it. I feared losing him so much that I was afraid to say that I was bothered by his attitude; that I didn't like when he stayed in a stony silent state with me all day. I never expressed my needs because I didn't think I could get them fulfilled. Now as the LBS, I am still not expressing my needs. Instead I am trying to move us toward a more conciliatory state first, but I don't know if that's the right approach. Our M is in such a delicate state right now that if I go full-barrel with why my needs are not getting met, it would overwhelm H and surely lead to a D. He would take that as evidence that we cannot fix our problems. I, however, think we can, so I am going slowly.

Certainly, if we come to the piecing stage I would want to address all of these things so that we can make our R a wonderful place to be. I hope that I would accept no less from him or myself.

Mimi
Originally Posted By: mimivac
Another thing I have been guilty of is rationalizing our problems and not saying what I really mean. I knew that H was depressed about the relationship for months and I thought that if I was just cheerful enough and accommodating enough, he would get over it. I feared losing him so much that I was afraid to say that I was bothered by his attitude; that I didn't like when he stayed in a stony silent state with me all day. I never expressed my needs because I didn't think I could get them fulfilled. Now as the LBS, I am still not expressing my needs. Instead I am trying to move us toward a more conciliatory state first, but I don't know if that's the right approach. Our M is in such a delicate state right now that if I go full-barrel with why my needs are not getting met, it would overwhelm H and surely lead to a D. He would take that as evidence that we cannot fix our problems. I, however, think we can, so I am going slowly.

I could have written this exact same thing myself. I've learned in this process that my pattern from childhood has been to suppress my unmet needs and go on cheerfully as if everything is fine. Why not - if I feel fine I am fine, right? Even now I'm having a really hard time coming out of my shell to express a need to H - this time because it seems pointless until he shows any interest in staying married. Sometimes it seems like it would be easier to cut the losses and start over with my new wisdom with a new person, as a new person. But this is fantasy - I'll take my same me to my next R unless I start acting like the new me in this one.

I've also learned that H is afraid of feeling his emotions, and shows no interest in changing this. I was aware that I'd be going it alone if I had a death of a loved one or a serious health issue, or heaven forbid something happened to the kids - he is just emotionally not there. I knew that a long time ago and accepted it because that's what I do. I don't know if that's going to be OK for me anymore.

Your H sounds a lot more accepting of his emotions than mine, and quite a bit more verbal about them, but it sounds like he's somewhat in the same place as my H - confused, unhappy, just wanting everything to be different but not that sure what to do about it other than D as the first step.
Originally Posted By: adinva

Even now I'm having a really hard time coming out of my shell to express a need to H - this time because it seems pointless until he shows any interest in staying married. Sometimes it seems like it would be easier to cut the losses and start over with my new wisdom with a new person, as a new person. But this is fantasy - I'll take my same me to my next R unless I start acting like the new me in this one.


I feel the same way and my strategy right now is to only express those needs in the safe environment of MC, and then to do so without accusation. Otherwise, I am LRT all the way, which, as hard as it is, is really the way to go with a WAS who says that he needs time, space, and to shed his responsibilities to me. Anything else would be pressure. Like others here have said though, it does feel counter-intuitive. I keep thinking, "what if he concludes that I don't care and decides to end it for good?" But I know it doesn't work that way, so despite the occasional loneliness, I persist.

Originally Posted By: adinva
I've also learned that H is afraid of feeling his emotions, and shows no interest in changing this. I was aware that I'd be going it alone if I had a death of a loved one or a serious health issue, or heaven forbid something happened to the kids - he is just emotionally not there. I knew that a long time ago and accepted it because that's what I do. I don't know if that's going to be OK for me anymore.


I understand this very well, and it is partly responsible for our problems today. We did have a serious health issue and at the time I thought that it brought us closer together, but now I realize it created the distance that is now manifesting itself in our M. H refused to feel his feelings during my cancer diagnosis and treatment and I went on pretending that that was OK. It dug a gulf between us. He still cries when my diagnosis is mentioned; he can't get past my surgery scars. I know now how incredibly important it is not to neglect these kinds of feelings, how it helps the M to express them, how it can destroy a M to keep them hidden. That is something that we will definitely have to work on if we R. It sounds that it is something you and your H will need to work on, too. But first, we both need to get through our current predicaments. Wishing you well, Ad, and thank you so much for responding to my thread.

Mimi
Journaling: I work at home on Fridays and can become morose after a full day by myself. H continues to couch surf at various friends' homes. He called last night to talk and to tell me that his housing plans for the weekend fell through (It seems that his friends are tiring of putting him up, especially when they don't really understand why he's not at home). I suggested that he could spend the weekend in our second home, which is a rural property about 2 hours away. He didn't seem too excited about that prospect. I was proud of myself that I didn't suggest he come back to the condo for the weekend and that I hung up the phone first. He called me "honey," which he hasn't done in a while.

He called again this morning to tell me that the results to his liver ultrasound were clear. The conversation was very quick and I hung up with a feeling of loneliness. I've been reading a book called, "Living Alone and Loving it" and it is really helping me to think about engaging fully in the world as a single person. It is helping me in the detaching process, too.

I realize how difficult truly detaching is. The kind of detaching that is not about temporarily GALing until your WAS comes back; or detaching as a way to get back at your WAS and "show him or her" how great you really are. But detaching and GALing that is really and truly about bettering yourself as a human being without regard to your particular sitch with your spouse. Working on it.

As part of that, I do plan to go to the Kennedy Center today and attend a free performance. Then I will treat myself to dinner and a drink out in the city. I am probably going to meet a friend sometime this weekend, and plan to plant the seeds of some of my other GAL activities that I have outlined in my blog. Hope everyone is doing great today.

Mimi
So, for the second time since this whole thing started I did a major backslide. First, the good: I had a great time GALing on Friday. At first I was a little morose at home, but I decided that I was going to complete my planned activities no matter what. So after finishing up my work, I headed out to the city for a free performance at the Kennedy Center. I want to become accustomed to being out on my own as well as with others, so I made sure that this night was just for me. I saw and greatly enjoyed the performance and then treated myself to a beautiful mussel gratin with tomato fondue and a martini at the bar of a great restaurant I like.

During the meal, H called. I noticed that our conversations have lately turned from tense and fraught to pleasant and friendly. This seemed like a positive step. He said he was headed home for a change of clothes and we hung up. I was proud of myself that I didn't rush to finish my meal and get home so that I could catch him there. Instead I took my time and fully expected the he would be gone by the time I got home. Instead, he was sitting on the couch watching television. We watched some TV together and I told him about the performance, and he seemed to be really impressed that I had found something so great for free and gone on my own. Then, to my surprise, he got into his pajamas and got into bed. Now, it's one thing that he has decided to move out, but another thing if he thinks he can come and go as he pleases. I wasn't OK with that. So, I told him (not in an angry way, but a confident, composed way) that I would appreciate it if he asked my permission before spending the night at home. He agreed and apologized for being inconsiderate. All well and good and I felt strong and in charge of my life.

The next day (Saturday), I had dinner plans with a friend and H has planning on going to a bbq in the city. He told me he would let me know if needed to stay with me again. During dinner, he texted me that he had found a place to stay for the night. I couldn't help feeling a bit disappointed, but I didn't respond. I came home from a great meal with my friend and went to bed. For far so good.

Now here is where the trouble starts:

He comes home early on Sunday morning while I'm still in bed and gets into bed with me and snuggles. We sleep a little and then he wakes up and asks me if his coming and going like this is confusing for me. I don't know how to answer and my confusion leads to a big conversation that is full of emotion and a re-hash of why H wants to separate. He keeps saying that he doesn't know if his reasons are legitimate. Meanwhile, instead of listening and validating, I go into convince and reason mode, re-iterating why his reasons aren't legitimate, etc. Bad move and I know it as I'm doing it, but I can't seem to help myself.

This leads to him saying that he has finally figured out why he is driven to separate from me. He claims that in his unconscious mind, he didn't agree to get married. He recognizes that marrying me was fully his (conscious) choice, and that he's been very happy with that decision until recently, but that his unconscious mind is now rebelling and demanding to be taken seriously. He declares that this, indeed, is a legitimate reason to separate and get D. Great, so now he's given a name and reason to the separation and it brings him one step closer to decide to D. Of course, by now I am very emotional and say, "fine, than we should just do it." It seems to be over and I am devastated.

A bit later, we decide that we will continue trying to repair the marriage, but that we should take even more steps toward a formal separation. H decides to actually rent an apartment rather than sleeping sporadically at friends' houses. He says we need to take both steps to work on the marriage and to move away from the marriage at the same time. Not sure how this will work. I spent most of yesterday in bed, bereft, and most of this morning there as well. Although we have agreed to continue MC and try to repair the marriage, H's formal moving out and his reasoning that he has found a legitimate reason to D, seem to be further nails in the coffin.

So, now, H has left for the gym and I feel so much better when he's not around. Yesterday, I decided to attend an annual conference in New Orleans this weekend that I wasn't planning on attending before. 4 nights of vacation should help my sanity. Here is the lesson: when I was GALing and LRTing, we were becoming friendlier and my life was happier. I got desperate, emotional, and clingy, and now we are formally separating. I need to get it together.

I plan to get out of my bathrobe and cook today. I need to review my goals and plan which ones I will enact this week. Most of all, I need to go back to my formally successful management of my R and stop crying, clinging, and following him around the house. Geez Louise, get it together, Mimi. Thank for reading.

Mimi
Ugh. I am having a really hard time getting myself together. Can't seem to get off the couch and GAL. I seem to be back at square one, with all of it's attendant bad feelings, despair, and anxiety. Maybe it's OK if veg out today and read/plan/meditate. A book I read about getting past a break-up calls this type of regression "recycling" and it's supposed to get less severe every time it happens. I sure hope so.

Mimi
The only advice I can offer is to change your time frame. Trust me I know its incrediably hard but these things take soooo sooo much time. Although you backslid a tiny bit durning the recent conversation you seem to have a handle on what you need to do.

Keep on doing stuff for yourself and be gentle on yourself when you spend the day in your bathrobe.
Yes, recycling DOES happen.... But it WILL get easier everytime it comes around. Don't be too hard on yourself today. You are only human, and you can't be stoic everyday. Allow yourself to veg out and cope, even of that means sitting on your couch in your bathrobe all day.

When my H and I separated back in August, we had also said it was so we could work on the M. My H made a perfect analogy:
It's like trying to fix a car engine while driving down the highway- someone is going to get burned. But, of you stop and take a step back, you can fix things much easier.

Separating can sometimes be the best thing for a reconciliation, or so I've been told.

If you need some new reading material:
"This is Not the Story You Think it Is" by Laura Munson. She wrote about her WAH and how she got him back.
"Hope for the Separated" by Dr. Gary Chapman (same guy who wrote Love Languages.)

I've been reading both, and although not every detail applies to me, they are hopeful and encouraging.

Let yourself feel the sadness and pain today. Tomorrow is another day and you can get off the couch then smile
Originally Posted By: BklynMom
The only advice I can offer is to change your time frame. Trust me I know its incrediably hard but these things take soooo sooo much time. Although you backslid a tiny bit durning the recent conversation you seem to have a handle on what you need to do.

Keep on doing stuff for yourself and be gentle on yourself when you spend the day in your bathrobe.


Yes, yes, yes, you are right. I need to slow down, as I've told myself before, but I always seem to jump the gun and expect immediate results. Thanks for the reminder.

Mimi
Originally Posted By: purgatory
Yes, recycling DOES happen.... But it WILL get easier everytime it comes around. Don't be too hard on yourself today. You are only human, and you can't be stoic everyday. Allow yourself to veg out and cope, even of that means sitting on your couch in your bathrobe all day.

When my H and I separated back in August, we had also said it was so we could work on the M. My H made a perfect analogy:
It's like trying to fix a car engine while driving down the highway- someone is going to get burned. But, of you stop and take a step back, you can fix things much easier.

Separating can sometimes be the best thing for a reconciliation, or so I've been told.

If you need some new reading material:
"This is Not the Story You Think it Is" by Laura Munson. She wrote about her WAH and how she got him back.
"Hope for the Separated" by Dr. Gary Chapman (same guy who wrote Love Languages.)

I've been reading both, and although not every detail applies to me, they are hopeful and encouraging.

Let yourself feel the sadness and pain today. Tomorrow is another day and you can get off the couch then smile


Thank you for that. I like your H's analogy very much, and I think my H would agree. I do hope that S ends up being good for our M. Thank you so much for the book recommendations! Books are my absolute salvation. I devour them, and I just finished one about how to live alone happily, so I'm looking for something else. I'm going to look up your recs as soon as I get off the computer. I do need something hopeful and encouraging right now. And I definitely have to get off the couch tomorrow because I'm going to work. smile

Ok, so maybe a nice glass of red wine and a downloaded book will be good for the rest of the evening. Thank you guys!

Mimi
Posted By: labug Re: Suddenly Separated in VA -- need your help - 02/20/12 11:19 PM
The sh!tty days will happen but they get further apart as time goes by. When I have them I just acknowledge that I feel sad, realize that I have reason to be sad and find something to do. Stuffing that causes me resentment, anger, etc.

I think H moving out saved my sanity. I know many here say "don't do it" but I would not have been able to emotionally detach.
labug, I am with you on that. I am so much more stable and serene when my H is not around these days. I do believe him finding a more permanent place to live will help me a great deal.

I am reading one of purg's book recs right now, and it is really helping. Thank goodness for this board.

Mimi
which one did you decide to start with??
I am reading "This is Not the Story You Think It is." Downloaded it last night on my ipad and started right away. Wow, what a fantastic read. Reminds me SO much of my sitch (except for the idyllic Montana farmhouse, that is. LOL). The instant connection she felt with her H; trying to forge a different kind of life together; thinking they were different and special; and then the sudden apathy of her H; the sudden crisis she is in and trying to learn how to unattach. I am trying to read it slowly to savor it. I also love the writing style and that it's not your typical self-help book, but a memoir of sorts. Love, love, love it.

So, last night after reading one chapter, I really calmed down. I got up and cleaned the kitchen (always feel better when my external world is clean and orderly). Read another chapter and took a "spa shower" (my weekly treat to myself where I light candles, put a nicely-scented tablet in the shower, and then go through my 7-step skin care process. I was definitely not going to do it last night, because I was in despair and feeling like nothing mattered, but I did and it felt wonderful). Then I poured myself a glass of red wine and watched a movie.

H came home and I was even calm and friendly. He worked until late into the night. We didn't talk much, but I touched him on shoulder when I went to bed and he used his old endearment for me. When he came to bed, he snuggled against me and went to sleep. This morning, he was his same silent, morose self, but I tried not to let it bother me. I have arranged a trip to New Orleans for this weekend, and I will plan that this week and read my book and take care of myself.

Thank you, purg!!

Mimi

_______________________________
M:37; H:37; M: 10 years; T:13 years; no kids.
Bomb: 1/08/12
Separated: 1/18/12
A word about detachment: I suck at it. I think I'm doing well; I seem to be doing well; I am GALing and even content and happy being by myself, but I am far, far from detached from my H -- especially when he is around. When I am alone I seem to be able to get myself together, do nice things for myself, live in a calm and peaceful environment. But he is in between places right now and staying at home and I find myself wondering whether he is constantly thinking of escaping and getting his own place. I wonder if he is solidifying his decision to leave for good.

When we are getting along well, like last night and this morning, I wonder if he is thinking of staying after all; if he's changed his mind about renting an apartment. Then I find myself having a low level of anxiety at all times. Like right now, I sit here with a slightly elevated heart rate and a slightly sick feeling in my stomach. I need to STOP INTERPRETING, stop wondering what he's thinking. It's killing me.

I leave for my New Orleans trip on Friday and that should help. I know it takes time, but for those of you who have achieved a level of detachment from your WAS, what was the first sign that you were getting there? Was there anything you felt you did that helped the process along or is it simply a matter of GALing and waiting? Thanks. I am trying to figure this out.

Mimi

_______________________________
M:37; H:37; M: 10 years; T:13 years; no kids.
Bomb: 1/08/12
Separated: 1/18/12
Originally Posted By: mimivac
I know it takes time, but for those of you who have achieved a level of detachment from your WAS, what was the first sign that you were getting there? Was there anything you felt you did that helped the process along or is it simply a matter of GALing and waiting? Thanks. I am trying to figure this out.



Mimi, I struggle with this too since my H is still at home. I was just thinking about this last night. I suck at detaching. They say it takes time, and GALing should help. Well, it hasn't helped me yet. Personally, I think the people who are able to detach easily are the people who aren't still living with their spouse, or their spouse is angry and mean. My spouse isn't mean or angry, and doesn't seem to avoid me at this point, so that makes it harder.

I'm looking forward to reading the replies to your question.
Posted By: labug Re: Suddenly Separated in VA -- need your help - 02/22/12 03:16 PM
I think it just takes time and working at it everyday.

Accepting that no matter what you do you can't change their course, you can only change yours.

At the one month mark for me, I spent a lot of time in bed watching mindless hours of TV. Really. Of course one of my issues was depression, so the bomb exacerbated that.

Doing something for myself everyday, no matter how small.

Getting active in making myself a better person. Celebrating little accomplishments in that journey.

One of the first signs: I was able to focus more on myself and less on trying to figure him out.
Originally Posted By: RoRoinMD
[Mimi, I struggle with this too since my H is still at home. I was just thinking about this last night. I suck at detaching. They say it takes time, and GALing should help. Well, it hasn't helped me yet. Personally, I think the people who are able to detach easily are the people who aren't still living with their spouse, or their spouse is angry and mean. My spouse isn't mean or angry, and doesn't seem to avoid me at this point, so that makes it harder.

I'm looking forward to reading the replies to your question.


I think you are absolutely right that detaching must be easier for those not living with their WAS. Without the constant reminder of what you might be losing, it's just easier to start focusing on yourself and your own life and goals. Otherwise you wonder if you're doing the right thing by LRT; are you helping or hurting the relationship at this very moment, etc, etc. It's just crazy-making. What I try to do now is to stop those thoughts in their tracks. When I start in on the, "I wonder what my H..." I picture a stop sign and start thinking about what I want and what would make me comfortable. Sometimes it works and other times I can't get him off my mind.

Mimi


_______________________________
M:37; H:37; M: 10 years; T:13 years; no kids.
Bomb: 1/08/12
Separated: 1/18/12
Posted By: labug Re: Suddenly Separated in VA -- need your help - 02/22/12 04:45 PM
I sometimes reread this thread, or parts of it.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956
Originally Posted By: labug


Thank you. I am sinking my teeth into it now.

Mimi
Originally Posted By: labug
I think it just takes time and working at it everyday.

Accepting that no matter what you do you can't change their course, you can only change yours.

At the one month mark for me, I spent a lot of time in bed watching mindless hours of TV. Really. Of course one of my issues was depression, so the bomb exacerbated that.

Doing something for myself everyday, no matter how small.

Getting active in making myself a better person. Celebrating little accomplishments in that journey.

One of the first signs: I was able to focus more on myself and less on trying to figure him out.


Thanks, bug. I guess I am detaching in fits and starts. One day I'm really focusing on myself and not giving a fig about how H looked at me the other day, or how fast he tried to get off the phone with me, etc. Then, the next day I feel like I am going insane analyzing why he snuggled with me in the morning, but then didn't kiss me goodbye before getting on the metro. Argh!! I have been told to take the long view and I am trying to keep that in mind. My dream scenario would be a state where I am actively GALing, LRTing, appreciating the positive steps, but not interpreting or obsessing about anything else. Long way to go.

Mimi

_______________________________
M:37; H:37; M: 10 years; T:13 years; no kids.
Bomb: 1/08/12
Separated: 1/18/12
Posted By: nhmom Re: Suddenly Separated in VA -- need your help - 02/22/12 07:38 PM
I agree that it is harder to detach while living with a WAS.

Feeling what you are right now is "normal". You are taking a ride on the emotional roller coaster.

You are doing what you can. It will get easier. There will be a time where you'll feel very confident and feel that you've made progress.

Then, you will find yourself backsliding and letting your mind go berserk.

You're on the right track!
Thanks, nh! I am doing OK today. In New Orleans on vacay and spent the day walking around everywhere and felt only a little sad when I thought of my H. My mom is joining me tonight, and I am planning out our itinerary for the next few days. Downloaded a new book on my iPad to read on the trip called "The Ten Things You Do When your Life Falls Apart." It focuses on trauma in general, and how to pull yourself out of despair. Pretty good so far. Hope everyone is having a great DB day!

Mimi
I'm back at work on this rainy, cold day in DC. I think this vacation really did me a world of good. There were times when I was sad, thinking of my sitch with H -- especially the idea of him actually renting out an apartment rather than staying with friends. It seems so much more permanent that way. But something shifted in me during this trip. I was able to hold both emotions in my mind and heart at the same time -- the sadness of my separation, and the joy of living. I allowed the sad emotions to wash over me at times, but I also knew that I would still enjoy life, that I had many adventures ahead of me, with or without my H.

I initiated no contact at all with H during the trip. He called and/or texted every day, asking how I was doing and telling me random things like the fact that our cat wouldn't play with him, or that he was having nightmares. I was upbeat toward him and sympathetic that he was wasn't sleeping well. On the day I returned, he texted me that he was looking at an apartment for rent, but that I should wait for him for dinner. I felt a little pang that he was taking the plunge with the apartment, but reasoned that I knew it was coming all along and let it go. I didn't text him back.

Once home, I didn't wait for him for dinner, but ordered from my favorite restaurant. He came home and told me that he said he would take the place, but now he was having second thoughts. He said it was weird to be in our condo without me while I was on vacation. Then he complained that I hadn't texted him back and sounded sad saying things like, "out of sight, out of mind, huh?" I went to bed early and he came in wanting to know if I would watch television with him. I said I had to get up and come into work very early the next morning, so I was going to bed. He kissed me on the cheek and asked me to tell him a little about my trip before going to bed. Then he turned down the television in the living room so I could sleep.

I have been feeling really good about myself lately and I don't want H's latest interest in me to derail that. The emotional roller coaster of thinking that he wants to reconcile, only to find that he's moving further into separation is devastating to me every time. Being without him really helps me to put things into perspective, but when he's around I find that I am too focused on him, making it very difficult to detach.

I went a long way toward detaching during this trip and I don't want to lose that momentum. Today we have MC, and we'll see how that goes. But I need to go right back to implementing my goals, so that I am happily engaged in my own life. Today I am meeting a good friend for a sushi lunch, and I want to start planning out my menus for next week and throwing in a few cultural activities here and there.

Hope everyone is having a great day.

Mimi
Posted By: labug Re: Suddenly Separated in VA -- need your help - 02/29/12 02:09 PM
I think you're right the continue on your path and not put too much stock in his actions. Seems like the pursuer/distancer dynamic Crazyville has been talking about on her thread.
Originally Posted By: labug
I think you're right the continue on your path and not put too much stock in his actions. Seems like the pursuer/distancer dynamic Crazyville has been talking about on her thread.


Bug, that is exactly what is happening right now, and I am struggling somewhat to not put much stock in it. I am afraid I am interpreting a bit and getting into hopeful feelings when I KNOW I've been down this road before and it has led to diappointment.

H revealed in MC yesterday that he felt anxious, uncomfortable, and lonely when I went to New Orleans and did not contact him. He said he now knew what it felt like to be left behind. He thought I was giving him a "well-deserved taste of his own medicine." I replied that it was not my intention to punish him (which it truly wasn't), but to simply go on vacation, and that I didn't contact him much because we are separated at the moment.

He is still living with me while he looks for an apartment to rent. Last night he mentioned that maybe we should rent out our second home instead of selling it. This was odd since part of the reason he gave for separating is that he no longer wanted the responsibility of a M that included things like our second home. But now he is suggesting renting it out and becoming landlords -- certainly more responsibility than simply selling it. He also said that he felt anxious about getting his own place. I validated the feeling, but didn't fish for a reason.

Honestly, even though it seems that we are going in a positive direction, I am trying very hard to take the long view and not expect any concrete results from this. He has NOT said in any way, shape, or form that he wishes to reconcile. He is still very uncertain about the M and whether it can work out. I fully expect that he will find an apartment to rent soon, and I don't want to be caught off guard and be devastated by that.

So, head down, continue focusing on my own life, making my own plans, and continuing with LRT. I want to start being more aggressive with GAL. It seems that whenever something happens with H, my focus shifts and I want to counter that.

Mimi
Journaling: It's a beautiful 70 degree day here in DC. For lunch a co-worker and I picked up amazing ethiopian food from one of DC's ubiquitous food trucks and went up on the roof of our building to eat. From there you can see the capitol, the air force memorial, and national airport.

Sitting in the sunshine, I started to feel a kind of sinking depression. I started thinking of all the bright, sunny days we will now have, all the cafes to sit in and have appetizers and drinks, all the glasses of tea and wine to have out on our balcony. And it depressed me to think that I would usually do those things with my H and now it's uncertain whether I ever will.

So, I let myself feel that way for a bit and then started repeating to myself that I am healthy and employed. I have a roof over my head, good food to eat, a beloved pet, lots of good friends, supportive family, intelligence, humor, vibrance, energy, and resilence. I resolved to keep making my goals, to go home tonight and open up my balcony and sit out there with a glass of malbec and my cat and take in the evening air. That is my mantra for the day.

Mimi
Writing this on my phone, miserable and in bed. My third major backslide in as many months: I guess I am averaging one per month. Became lividly angry today and called him, trying to back him into a corner ("work it out with me, or leave."). Of course the reaction was not good. Have no energy left right now. Had all these goals for today, but totally ruined it. Feeling deep pain, and just need to take it easy tonight. Tomorrow is a new day.
Posted By: labug Re: Suddenly Separated in VA -- need your help - 03/02/12 10:53 PM
Wow, what happened?
Bug, I basically couldn't hold it in any longer. I had a whole day planned with nice activities and work, but mid-way through I could feel my anger rising and rising. All my frustrations about my H were coming to the surface and I was tired of being so accommodating and nice, while he is getting a free pass to go out and live life without responsibility. I know, I know, not productive line of thought. Detachment, GAL, all went out the window and I called him with massive expectations and applied as much pressure as I could. I guess his impending apartment rental had rattled me a lot more than I thought. Just couldn't handle any of it today.

How in DBing does one handle the very real anger and hurt toward a WAS? How do you process those feelings while sticking to the goal of trying to save your M and be a better person? We are selling our second home right now because H says he never wanted it in the first place and that he doesn't need that kind of responsibility. This is the home that we dreamt about together during my cancer treatments as something we would give ourselves if I survived -- our dream place in the country. Now he's changing the story and it really hurts. I feel that I hardly know him now. I guess the whole house thing really triggered me today.

Sorry for rambling, but it felt good to ge it all out.

Mimi
Must be draining to go from such a good place at lunc yesterday, to such a low place today. You're only human, so you're bound to make mistakes- its what you do *after* them that really matter.

After you answer Labug's question, answer this: what will you do to keep from doing that again?
Posted By: labug Re: Suddenly Separated in VA -- need your help - 03/02/12 11:41 PM
Great question, Purg.

And think about where your anger really comes from. Anger is a signal that there is more going on. Not to sound too woo-woo but my word for 2012 is PAUSE...and that means pause and think about my emotions before I speak, pause and think before a reACT rather than reSPOND.

When you feel anger building are you able to sit with it and determine its origin?
Originally Posted By: purgatory
Must be draining to go from such a good place at lunc yesterday, to such a low place today. You're only human, so you're bound to make mistakes- its what you do *after* them that really matter.

After you answer Labug's question, answer this: what will you do to keep from doing that again?


Purg, we were cross-posting. My answer to labug's question is right above your post. What will I do next time? Good question. There are times when I am totally ruled by my emotions, when I am acting out. I did apologize and tell him that I was speaking out of anger and frustration. Now I am trying to regroup and focus on the rest of my day. Next time when I feel my emotions getting the best of me, I will acknowledge them, call a friend or my mom, read Sandi's 37 rules, and try to engage in a specific activity to divert my focus. Does that sound like a viable plan? Would you suggest anything? Thank you for posting on my thread.

Mimi
Originally Posted By: labug
Great question, Purg.

And think about where your anger really comes from. Anger is a signal that there is more going on. Not to sound too woo-woo but my word for 2012 is PAUSE...and that means pause and think about my emotions before I speak, pause and think before a reACT rather than reSPOND.

When you feel anger building are you able to sit with it and determine its origin?


Sometimes. Other times I just want to let it all out, maybe because I am not good at asking for what I need in the first place. And then when I don't get it, resentment builds. One of my new goals is to learn how to meditate. I think that will be my next area of exploration.
Posted By: labug Re: Suddenly Separated in VA -- need your help - 03/03/12 12:08 AM
Come here and vent, and then wait for responses.
Next time I will do that rather than call H. crazy
My H left me b/c of my anger issues... I spent a year in C to figure where/why/ what to do about them. The biggest 'trick' that she taught me is the 24 hour rule. It goes like this: when you feel a need to respond to something H says or does, you have to muster up all your strength and STFU! Walk away. You MUST wait 24 hours before saying anything about that topic. During that time, journal, go for long walks, come here to the boards: do whatever helps you calm down and get it out of your system- but not to him! After the 24 hour period, you will have noticed one of two things:
1. Either you realized that the issue wasn't that big of a deal and you've moved passed it
2. Or, it's still something you want to talk about- except now you are no longer functioning in your emotional brain. So you are able to talk to him rationally and calmly.

This was a Turing point for me in how I relate to H and everyone. After almost a 8 months of practicing this, I don't have to wait 24 hours anymore. I can 'feel' when my body/brain is reacting emotionally and I can consciencely get myself into my rational brain.

I originally posted this I Rick89's thread (I think) about 3 months ago. He said it helped him a lot. Just another tool for you to try smile
Originally Posted By: purgatory
My H left me b/c of my anger issues... I spent a year in C to figure where/why/ what to do about them. The biggest 'trick' that she taught me is the 24 hour rule. It goes like this: when you feel a need to respond to something H says or does, you have to muster up all your strength and STFU! Walk away. You MUST wait 24 hours before saying anything about that topic. During that time, journal, go for long walks, come here to the boards: do whatever helps you calm down and get it out of your system- but not to him! After the 24 hour period, you will have noticed one of two things:
1. Either you realized that the issue wasn't that big of a deal and you've moved passed it
2. Or, it's still something you want to talk about- except now you are no longer functioning in your emotional brain. So you are able to talk to him rationally and calmly.

This was a Turing point for me in how I relate to H and everyone. After almost a 8 months of practicing this, I don't have to wait 24 hours anymore. I can 'feel' when my body/brain is reacting emotionally and I can consciencely get myself into my rational brain.

I originally posted this I Rick89's thread (I think) about 3 months ago. He said it helped him a lot. Just another tool for you to try smile


YES! Thank you. I actually used to do this, and it ALWAYS helped. I would say that 90% of the time, the thing that I thought was so urgent at the time would fade within the 24 hours. Must. Remember. This.
Here is a hard-won lesson: while I was DBing, my H couldn't quite move out. He looked at many places, but found flaws in each one. He confessed that he felt anxiety about moving out. Yesterday, I let myself be controlled by emotion and pressured him with anger and crying. This morning, he suddenly found a place and can't leave soon enough. I also mentioned signing a separation agreement in my anger as a kind of dare. Now, of course, he thinks we should get one and also separate our bank accounts -- things he never mentioned before I did.

Now I can't seem to get back in the groove of things. I didn't react very well to the news of his impending move-out, and I am more emotional than I have been since this whole thing started. I feel that I've really set us back, and I just want to crawl under the covers and cry.

Mimi
Nope, pick yourself up and get back to DBing. Do more of what worked, less of what didn't. Remember that DBing is to save yourself first. Everyone starts by thinking they're doing it to save their relationship, but that is not the most important thing. You are.
Thanks for the reminder. If I'm doing it to save the relationship and it doesn't ultimately work, than I'm a "failure." If I'm improving myself, then that will stick no matter what happens with the R. And there's the added bonus that it's better for the relationship, too. Trying to pick myself up....

Mimi
You got it!
Journaling: Well, I've managed to pull myself together somewhat. Yesterday I went to a child's first birthday party, and came home exhausted (LOL, maybe this is why I don't have children). I then spent a few hours under the covers, crying, feeling sorry for myself, and guilt-ridden that I lost it on Friday. I was so tired, but afraid to go to sleep because the world looked so bleak -- haven't felt that way in a long time; that's when I know I've hit bottom. However, I managed to finally get up and move from the bed to the living room couch. Victory. smirk I ate some dinner (do home-made nachos and left-over miso soup count?), and texted a friend to arrange brunch for this morning.

H came home around 9 and watched some television with me. I was calm, and there was no more drama. We went to bed at the same time and he told that he was scared to make the move and solidify our S. I validated, but didn't react. This morning, he went out to our second home (2 hours away) to meet with our real estate agent. I am assuming that he will pack and move into his new place tonight.

So what GAL do I have going for today? I plan to go out to a cute little crepe place for brunch with a girlfriend; do an exercise video, and follow it up with a nature walk; then I really need to prepare for the week (which I normally love doing) by cooking and cleaning; hopefully I will get a chance to organize my closet and make a list of clothes I need to feel better about myself; and finally I will do my "spa evening" and then relax with a Netflix tonight. I plan to keep my day calm, serene, and purposeful. I plan to use this gift of time to concentrate on being the person I've always wanted to be and know I can be.

It helps enormously to write this stuff out. Hope everyone is having a great day following their goals.

Mimi
Posted By: labug Re: Suddenly Separated in VA -- need your help - 03/04/12 02:13 PM
I think you'll be pleasantly surprised as you move through this process how much better you will feel little by little.

I spent what seems like weeks crying in bed but I had to do that to get here. I was still doing things to keep my life from spinning totally out of control but those days were pretty dark.

And now I have very few of those days but I'm beginning to realize that we never "get there" whatever there is. We just have to keep taking the next step on our path.

"realize that you just move forward inch by inch and that it is just a journey and not a specific place to reach..."from zig's thread
Bug, I think what you wrote is really important to remember. It's a journey, and sometimes we go forward and sometimes backward, and other times sideways. But little by little it gets better. There is no "arriving" per se, but only a different, and, hopefully, better place to be. Also relieved to hear you mention that the bad times make the good times possible. I really believe this, too.

I think Accuray was saying on Adinva's thread today that when you begin to understand that you are valuable and worthy of a good, loving relationship, you are on your way to real detachment (my paraphrase). I feel that I understand these things in theory, but then I become very desperate and know that I am willing to take back H at any price, even if he feels that he is compromising by being with me. That's not self-esteem, and that's certainly not detachment. But, as you say, step by step. I truly appreciate your feedback, bug.

Mimi
Posted By: labug Re: Suddenly Separated in VA -- need your help - 03/04/12 03:00 PM
Ohhhh I've felt that many times, "It doesn't matter, if he comes back I'll make it work!"

I did that for many years and guess what, I couldn't make it work.

I have felt that I'm such a different person that I would like to have the opportunity to see if things could work. But now even that is making me feel a little hinky.

How easy would it be for me to get sucked back into the same dynamic?

But now I can define myself, I'm interested and interesting, I'm fun and sometimes funny (at least I make myself laugh), I'm smart, I like to be involved in the world, I have hobbies and creative pursuits that I'm good at, I'm valued at work and by those I care for.

Not a bad place to find myself.
Originally Posted By: labug
Ohhhh I've felt that many times, "It doesn't matter, if he comes back I'll make it work!"

I did that for many years and guess what, I couldn't make it work.

I have felt that I'm such a different person that I would like to have the opportunity to see if things could work. But now even that is making me feel a little hinky.

How easy would it be for me to get sucked back into the same dynamic?



I feel the same. I am in and out of the dynamic right now. Just when I feel my confidence rising and my life starting to look more interesting and engaging, something [censored] me back in. I guess that's how it works as you get stronger and more self-focused . I think part of it is also about letting go, which is so difficult for those of us with control issues (I would guess many of us here). Letting go of the idea that you can control your R all by yourself; that if you try hard enough your WAS will come back to you. I admit that I still find myself thinking that way even though I am aware that the only person I am in charge of is myself. What happens outside of me is the result of many factors and many actors, with me being only one. I think there is real power and peace in that realization, but it is one thing to understand it intellectually, and quite another to feel it deep in your heart. So, I continue to struggle and learn.

As I said before, books are my salvation and these days my ipad is also my salvation. grin I can download a book in minutes and begin the process of learning and growing. My latest, which I started last night, is called "Everything Happens for a Reason: Finding the True Meaning of the Events in Our Lives." I love getting different perspectives on life.

Mimi
Journaling: yesterday was the first night that H spent in his new apartment. I was at a friend's house when he packed up and moved out (just his clothes; the place is furnished). That was a good thing, because I know I would have been emotional to see him leave. It was a little strange coming home around 7 yesterday evening and knowing that H actually LIVES somewhere else now. I don't even know his new address, although his place is not that far from our condo. Weird.

I teared up a little and called my mom for some support. Afterwards, I forced myself to put in a documentary I've been meaning to watch and actually really enjoyed it. When that was over I closed up the living room (turned off the heat and lights, straightened up a bit) and made myself a steamed milk with tea, filled up my water bottle with hot water and headed to bed, where I downloaded and started a new book. At one point, I started crying again thinking of all the times I read in the bedroom while H played a video game in the living room, and how nice it was when he came to bed as I was dozing off. I even called his name a few times like I used to and that led to more crying. Oh lord. I finally calmed down and snuggled into my comforter, clutching my water bottle, my cat booted up on the nightstand next to me.

I find myself in a strange mixture of sad, angry, resigned, and hopeful for my life. Sometimes one after another, sometimes all at the same time. What is encouraging is that I am usually able to get on with my life and even enjoy the things I am doing, like GALing and working on my goals. Little by little I am healing, although I'm a bit afraid of how much an actual D will set me back. We are still obstensibly working on things and going to MC and have not definitively decided to D. So at my absolute worst moments, when I cannot get out of bed, I comfort myself with the reminder that it is not yet all over. So, I might be putting off the worst of the grieving for another day. I know it will be different when and if we actually go through with D. But I am hoping that I use the gift of this time to really change myself as a person so that I can actually detach when and if that time comes (or even before).

Anyway, day 1 is over and I am looking forward to a week of GAL. Hope everyone is doing well today.

Mimi
(((((mimi))))) Good job making it through day 1 and taking care of yourself. I go through those same feelings often, and usually try to end the cycle on "hopeful for my life."
Thanks, Ad! I am having a pretty good morning and in the "hopeful for my life" state right now, so that is always good.

Journaling: I find that there are certain times of the day when I start becoming anxious. I can feel the discomfort, the elevated heart rate, the sadness. Last night, I stopped at the market after work to pick up a few ingredients for dinner. In the condo, I turned on the heat, threw in a load of laundry and started on dinner (lobster rolls!). That's when I felt it. Cooking and housekeeping are usually very calming activities for me, but I guess they also remind me of my sitch these days. So, I did some deep breathing and poured myself a glass of white wine from a half-empty bottle in the fridge. Felt more relaxed. After dinner, I put in a documentary and relaxed on the couch with my blanket and my cat. Then I headed to bed with my steamed milk and ipad for more reading. I consider that a great evening. I did what I wanted. I was responsible and content.

H did not call last night to say goodnight and I realized that the more he doesn't call, he stronger I become. Sometimes hearing from him is like a "hit" of a drug I am addicted to. I can then relax for a little longer. But when I don't get that "fix," I get antsy again. But I am not going to be truly detached until I no longer need it. So, last night, I was surprised at how OK I was with not hearing from him. I didn't wonder whether he was solidfying his decision to separate, or what else it could mean that he didn't call. I was content by myself.

I had a great morning. I am an early riser and I love to read in bed before the day starts. So I did just that. I made myself a cup of tea and read my book, then made my lunch for the day, got dressed and came to work. I didn't have mornings like that when H was around because he always had to have CNN on television and was rushing around all morning. I have a more leisurely style. So, I am appreciating the little things and using this gift of time to take care of myself.

I know I will still have my ups and downs. I still wake up several times a night with anxiety. But for today I am doing well and appreciating what life has to offer.

Mimi
Posted By: labug Re: Suddenly Separated in VA -- need your help - 03/06/12 03:17 PM
H did not call last night to say goodnight and I realized that the more he doesn't call, he stronger I become. Sometimes hearing from him is like a "hit" of a drug I am addicted to. I can then relax for a little longer.

I said this almost word for word to my IC early on.

It does get easier.
Mimi - Sounds like you ended up having a pretty good night. Glad you were able to get control of your anxiety. Good going on detaching and not letting the "no phone call" thing bother you.
[quote=labug]
"realize that you just move forward inch by inch and that it is just a journey and not a specific place to reach..."from zig's thread
[\quote]

Reminds me of something another of the pastors at my church likes to say:

"Mile by mile, it's a trial. Yard by yard, it's awful hard. Inch by inch, it's a cinch." Pretty good stuff.
Thanks for the encouragement, guys. Things continue to go well, although I still have some free-floating anxiety issues. Yesterday I got a call from H at work that highlighted two things about how I'm doing: 1) I am still pretty far from really detached; 2) I am doing OK, nonetheless. He sounded pretty depressed on the phone and said he didn't know why he was calling me and that he was all "doom and gloom." I sympathized. When he asked what I had been up to, I cheerfully told him about this documentary I had watched the other night about bees. And the thing was, I wasn't acting "as if" -- I really was cheerful about it. However, I was also a little too happy that he was depressed. I couldn't help but to wonder (and hope) if it was because he missed me. He said that he would be by later in the day to pick up his belts and I got a bit excited about that. But, I was hardly depressed when he never showed up or called. So, a little progress here and little progress there.

Inch by inch. MC today

Mimi
So, MC yesterday went really well. Our therapist's office is near the city zoo and before the session I visited the zebras and thought about how I could stay open and confident in therapy while also being honest. I think a lot of H's comments hurt me because I internalize them so. Even though I know it to be false, when he says, "I'm no longer sexually attracted to you," I think, "Oh no, I must not be sexually attractive anymore." In GAL I am working on my health and appearance, not because I am unattractive, but b/c I want to feel better about myself. So if I can keep in mind that H's feelings are his feelings and not necessarily the cold, hard truth, I can stay open and confident and not become defensive. Knowing that I am a good person inside, I can consider the truth behind H's comments and use them to improve myself.

So, on the "sexually attractive" theme. H once again re-iterated that "that ship has sailed," "that thread has broken," and his sexual feelings for me are forever lost. However, the therapist then asked if we had ever had a satisfying sexual relationship and I was surprised by H's reaction. He seemed to be excited and started recounting all the fun stuff we used to do in that realm. Previously, he had insisted that it was never that good and that sex had always been our "weakest link." But this trip down memory lane really helped him to remember the good times. Afterwards he said that the session was "fun," and kissed me before we parted ways.

So, I was on the metro going home, happy from the session, but also trying to be realistic. It was a good therapy session, nothing more, nothing less. It was an inch forward in a long process that has yet to play out. I got home and immediately went about my business with the mindset that nothing had changed. No phone calls to H; no wondering if he would want to move back in soon. Nope. I cleaned my refrigerator (yeah I know, but it relaxes me), ate a wonderful homemade bolonasise sauce, and snuggled into bed with my books and cat.

Everyday I am thankful that I have the resources, ability, and stamina to take care of myself. Today, I will go to my salon after work and have my eyebrows done. Then I will go to my favorite tex-mex bar and have a bloody mary and maybe an appetizer or two. Time to plan out my GAL activities for this weekend. Wishing everyone a great day and weekend.

Mimi
Posted By: labug Re: Suddenly Separated in VA -- need your help - 03/08/12 03:55 PM
Can I be your roommate until H moves back? (
Posted By: labug Re: Suddenly Separated in VA -- need your help - 03/08/12 03:56 PM
was going to add no sex involved shocked
LOL, labug! You are welcome to stay and I would cook for you. I am actually looking forward to opening up my balcony and having friends over as spring approaches. Do you like cocktails by sunset?
Posted By: labug Re: Suddenly Separated in VA -- need your help - 03/08/12 04:25 PM
Do I ever!
I'll bring margaritas, tell me when and where!!

So glad that MC was able to get H to recount some positive experiences in your past sexual R. Sometimes I think the WAS is so focused on the negatives, that any positives get pushed into a back corner of their mind- its good for them to have to dust off the good memories... Maybe they'll hang around the front of their mind.

Dinner, book and cat... Sounds like a relaxing evening smile
Originally Posted By: purgatory
I'll bring margaritas, tell me when and where!!

So glad that MC was able to get H to recount some positive experiences in your past sexual R. Sometimes I think the WAS is so focused on the negatives, that any positives get pushed into a back corner of their mind- its good for them to have to dust off the good memories... Maybe they'll hang around the front of their mind.

Dinner, book and cat... Sounds like a relaxing evening smile


I'm glad the session was positive, too. It helped my mood even though I didn't hear from him for the rest of the day (had no expectation to, so didn't really dwell on it). It's weird, when you drop the mind-reading and interpreting how much free time you suddenly have. Thinking about those margaritas now...

Mimi
So, I feel that I have entered a more challenging part of this journey and DBing. Yesterday was the first full day that I did not hear from H at all -- no phone call, no email, no text. Yes, I truly felt that I had dropped the expectations (which, I'm sure made things easier), bit I still noticed. With contact, it was easier to detach (or have the illusion of detachment) because I knew that he was at least interested enough to call everyday. The real test is how I will handle things if he becomes more distant. I am assuming I continue to LRT. Certainly I continue to GAL. Is this when true emotional detachment can take hold?

I am feeling a little bereft and alone, but still able to get on with things. I feel that I really need to step up GAL at a vulnerable time like this. The problem is I am under the weather and mostly in bed today. That is usually a recipe for rumination, so I gotta find something more constructive. Sigh. I guess I haven't quite broken the "addiction" after all -- still need that phone call "hit" from my H.

Mimi
Posted By: labug Re: Suddenly Separated in VA -- need your help - 03/09/12 02:35 PM
Yes, it's tough. (((mimi)))

I'm now just past 2 wks of no contact with H. That's the longest I've gone without contact about something, kids, taxes, other money stuff, mail. It is like a drug.

I finally figured out that most of it was contrived and if he wants to know things about the sons that he doesn't get from them, he can contact me.

It does allow me to focus more on me.

But it is lonely.
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